September 3, 2025 • 31 mins
Lavell Crawford new showtime special 2021.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Your proactive really ain't working, you know. I take your
cups in your silverlwear.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Home with you. You know.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
But now COVID nineteen is here. It's getting the fuck
out of everybody. It just came on the zee fucked
canceling leukemia, all those diabetes, all them diseases, COVID nineteen,
which is on the back of a life. All can
gott us all walk around looking like we're about to
rob a train.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
This only time you supposed to wear a mask when
you walk in the bank. I walk in the bank, sir.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
You can't come in here without a mask, I said,
thank you for warning me, sir.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I put my mass on.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Came everybody on the ground. Everybody on the fucking ground.
Now I'm just glad he's robbing us with a mask on.
At least be safe. I don't want to get sick
laying on this floor because we were so stupid with
(01:03):
this fucking mask. I'm so sick of you, motherfucking me.
Fucking put your maths. God put George, don't love me,
bitch out of that stupid ass ship. I mean, you
gotta cover both air holes. Come your mouth, come your nose.
I can't breathe.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I need one of them open motherfuckers. What kind of
pull shit is that?
Speaker 1 (01:27):
And they want you to put that cloth shit on you,
but you gotta tampon on your fucking face that ship
her into your goddamn tho.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
You gotta be the mellow in and shit and then
black folk. We changed it up.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Shit, I blean min out girl, I'm study ship all
over it. I got God bless me, I'm blessed on it.
We just go to goddamn far. We gonna pimp by
masks ship I damn and say, you know, the mask
did so stupid because people wearing outside and fresh air
(02:01):
birds still fucking flying around, like look at that time,
motherfucker out here with a mask, come, that's God's fresh air.
What the fuck you skirt outside? I mean now, I
mean I can't get on board with this mask unless
I'm outside and the bird gonna go boom. Then I'll
(02:21):
be like, oh shit, this ship for real, this my
real Lord, Heaven.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Is eesus right now.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Fuck that damn man all he wear because I can't
get in stores without it. So as I get in there,
I pull that bitch down. They'll be walking around. Excuse me, saying,
I'm so sorry you ain't having down and just fell
down and I'm just sorry. This mask got a minding myself.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
They don't work.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
If you can still smell a fart, you know these
masks don't work for real, I mean real, they don't work.
I fared on a guy with the mass the other day.
I lit him up too, man, I can't. I gave
one up, silent but deadly one right dore hah.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
And this thing is so bad. It looked like he
came out with a knife in his hand.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
I was like, ooh, I ain't even gonna look at him, man,
even look at him.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Hope you don't think it's me. I turned around. He
look at me right my damn face, and he.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Was like, I'm like, what's your problem? He said, did
you just fart? I said, did you smell it? He said, yes,
I did. I said, where your mask gets malfunctioning, And
you should be saying, thank you could I just saved
your life because if my far getting through that mass,
lord knows COVID nineteen is following right behind him.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
I mean, he wrote it down.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
This is the best time to fart, though, I mean
in public, it's like fort topyo out there, man, I'd
be faring on groups of motherfucker be cropped up and
happpen wrap it out. They don't even know it's me.
I can stand down, just letting shit out. They're like,
oh my god, it must be a sewermain broke around here,
and I'll be standing right there.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
Yes, this city is just falling apart.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Cause back in the day when you had to park
stomach be body, you had to find you had to
find a secret face to fart, you know, you had
to find a play no one down. Like in the
grocery store, I find an empty owl, usually where the
disinfectans is, you know, because if it's stink too bad,
I just raised the lights all around, you know.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
You know, light's all is so funny.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
It killed ninety nine point nine motherfucking odors, but shit
ain't one.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
But it smell like this.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Either you shit a bunch of limons or you shit
a tree. That's smell.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
I mean I killed that our man, I wiped that our.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
They need to put some comb down there, but then
they're always old, reliable, nosy motherfucker come right behind me.
Oh my god, we need a manager immediately, I think
something died over here under these shelves.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Sir, do you smell that?
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Y know?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
You don't smell that? Said no, I do not smile it.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
And I got it that before I got arrested. This ship,
this shit again, This shit getting stupid. Man, they think
we they think we dumb. Man.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
For real.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
You go to the grocery store. They got street sides
in the grocery store. Now one way left turned stop.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
I went, I went down back down the hole this lady,
because they excuse me, sad. You got it right away,
I said, Cale.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
If I am, I started creaming on your potato chips
down here, I be damn. I walk all the way
around the fucking store to come back where the fuck
I'm at.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
You better report me, Hugh, because I.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Believego this shit getting out of control because people be
snitching on you.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
I have your mask on and nobody know all the
symptoms and shit, So I mean you do something.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
I look at them scratches fore head and motherfucker got
that shit.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Look like what you sniffing for?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Mother fucker?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
What's wrong with you? Stay out of my house? You know?
Speaker 1 (06:06):
But I read on the can lights all killed COVID
nineteen shit. I got the vaccine right now. I spring
my face right away with light salt. It burned like
a motherfucker b like forty minutes.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Then I'm good. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
I don't like to mask myself because it's it's a burden.
You know how it is, you rushing you. I'm going
to the store real quick. I get to the fucking door.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Like damn.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
I forgot my damn mask, and at my car parked
all the way at the end of the fucking street
and it's raining outside. Fucked that damn mask. I'm going
to this store anyway, I said. I wish you, motherfucker
say futher wurd. I walk in the door of police
standing with his mask gone, hand on his gun. Tell
my cirt, we're your mask. I stepped back and put
my underwear on my fucking.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Face, I said.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I said, I'll be damn I get shot when I
have no mask. Come and I walked in the store
and they.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Said, sir, could you put that over your nose?
Speaker 1 (06:58):
I said, ma'am, If I put this shit over my nose,
you're gonna have to call an ambute lance.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
I got the balls on my face. I'll be damn.
But I put that ship stained on.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
My nose, and I just can't believe people then caught
on to this mass shit so fast. He's in the
same people do something, the nastiest shit in the world.
See the home me the booty whole out. But lah lah,
then they.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
The cootie had a dick squirt all in your face.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
And then you.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Wait on the next morning. I gotta go to this door.
I gotta stay same.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Really, you're afraid of COVID nineteen and you got COVID
forty four. Last night, my cousin he hed a little
bit bigger than me. He ain't about five forty, right,
he got a nerve having mask on. But they don't
make big and tall masks, right, his mask just cover
(07:59):
his mouth. Right here, he's still eating under the man.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
He putting French.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Fried and hot dogs and shit under the man.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
He was eating the rib the other day. Ate too,
fas ate the fucking man. Y'all got another man.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
You don't need one COVID nineteen to get it lost
in you trying to get You're gonna die from salad.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Get the fuck out of here. I don't I don't
like the man because it's the burden.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I see the lady and some people looking at me,
mad at me, judging meet I'm talking about it.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
I came in there. Shut your hands up. I can
say what the fuck I want.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
We were just normal motherfuckers picking ship off the ground.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
You find the cheeto between yo ze be like, guy
made dirt, dirt, don't hurt.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Then all of a sudden, we didn became German for
shut up, get the fuck out of here. Uggy people
kissing babies and ship then they don't even know where
they lives being with all of.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
A sudden, I think people kissing dogs.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
You know, I was on fucking playing the fucking dogs
right next to me.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
I was, excuse me, stewardess, this dog gonna have a
fucking mask. Come.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I don't feel safe the dog looking at me like,
uh here you go with this boy shit heam don't
make kids wear masks and them it is something the dirties.
Motherfucker in the world.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
The motherfucker sneak. I can snod all over the play.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
I just call that COVID nineteen right there, get out
of here, little Johnny, And I ain't trying to I
ain't trying to leave nobody astray. Don't get me wrong,
I'm not up here preaching. I just think that you know,
we got we can sit question a few things, like
doctor Falgi.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I don't even know who the fuck he is. He
looked like COVID nineteen. I don't trust that motherfucker. He
done had it for years.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
He's still around and it ain't It must not be
that damn bad because the most hated president in the
world had it, and he had it for three days.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
He right back up like. I was like, what kind
of COVID here?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
He must have had COVID sixteen, you know, cause I
had it. I had. Let me tell you, I had it,
all right, I had. I went down hut he help
me out. But next day I felt better than I
ever did before, and I was I was like, man,
maybe my blood is the vaccine.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Maybe the hero.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
I knew he wasn't gonna win because it's running mate,
he's a walking dead. Anytime you sit up there and
got a fly on top of your head and you
don't swap that ship one time, you ain't alive. Motherfucker
come out the flyer just sitting up there like there,
and they're like, what you mean him on the head,
you know, and you know they keep calling it a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
That's what bothered me. A pandemic.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
I think these motherfuckers just be making shit up because
it ain't a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
You know why you don't have that fucking pandemic. I
seen the movie. I saw the fucking movie. All right, now,
you're shure.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Movie got deadbody hanging outside abandoned cars or crow eating
a fucking dead eye out, motherfucking zom. That's a fucking pandemic.
This is not a pandemic. This is a mask. Damn.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
You know why the ain't a pandemic?
Speaker 1 (11:12):
You know why bill collectors keep calling my fucking house
the fuck I feel alive? Ain't nobody sneezed on a
keyboard at the electric company. Ain't nobody coughed on the
monitor at the gas company. Lady from the car no
Place called mister Crawbery, you're too much behind on your car. No,
I said, COVID ninety. He said, oh my god, you
(11:40):
have it. No my bank account got it.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
It has no taste, no smell, It has no funds either.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
We have it on a respirator right now, and we're
taking it day by day.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
They be threatened to turn shit off at my house.
Mister Crabbitt, you're laid on your payment again. We're gonna
cut your electrigity off.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
I said, cut it out, cut it off. You're willing
to cut my elector to the hut a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
My children don't have.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Nothing right now, we'll have no food. We ain't got
no ladder. We gotta work mad everywhere. Cut it out,
by the fuck. You don't cut off of the pandemic.
God forgive your soul. Oh my god, come down, sir.
(12:41):
Anybody in your house have COVID nineteen. No, we do not,
but we're suffering from it. Okay, mister Crobi, we will
give you an instantially. We'll give you six months. Six months,
that's all you're willing to give me to the pandemic.
Who knows how long he's gonna grow. They told us
three months, they told us three weeks. You only gonna
give me sick mister crappor Colm down. We'll give you
(13:03):
a year if that's what you want to do. That
shit worked like a mone buck. It work all day.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
I cut my camera off, cut on.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
You're gonna cut my camera off in the middle of
a pet dammic c.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
My yous ain't gonna be able to watch spunge Bob.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
They won't be able to enjoy in the medal that
because you won't cut out came out. They're the pat David.
Oh my god, what else are they gonna take it us?
Mister Cropper, Calm down. We'll give you six months, six months,
then let you company gave me a year, okay, we'll
(13:52):
give you a year or two. Just a year.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
We'll match them and give you a year and a
half if that's what you want to do. That shit
work on every every bill company. Don't work on my wife.
Though I was we were locked down. I was trying
to talk into something bad. I said, gonna get run
blue down, put it in your mouth, sucking your nasty
(14:17):
ass dick. I said, really, you don't want something about
dick and we'd have been of a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
I can't even believe you would turn me down. We
don't have nothing else.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Said all right, mother, buck, I nuggie Dick, cause I'm
going to the same thing.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
I'm going through the pandemic too. Since I'm dunking that dick,
you're gonna eat my boot jo I said, well, that's
calm down, that's calm down. We gotta stay safe. We
don't know how this is contracted with.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Eating booty hole right now, don't sound like a good judgment.
I'm gonna put my mask on and I'm gonna give
you the six feets please, and this shit kind of
on fat they talking about. I knew it was bad
when when they shut down the NBA. I'm like, no, no, like, really,
(15:23):
Lebron make a hunt. Lebron James making a hundred millions
dollars a year.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
He can stop.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Playing for fifty years, come back and still got two
hundred million in the fucking bank.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Lebron got so much money his hairline does what he wanted?
Fucking do really gonna be back here? Then it's up here.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Then it's a bang, then it'd be a curly cue
and gone down to be a mustache.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
There's a goatee, just then a side burn. There's a shag.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
That's millions dollar of hair rack there. Shit, I don't
got that kind of money hair. My hair won't even
grow up here. It's like a like it's a no
trust fashion sign up here. They're growing a side on
my eyebrows on my mouth, but it won't grow on
the fucking top of my hair. I got hair in
my asshole.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
I don't even know why. I mean, like, am I
grown a tail? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
I'm about to call one new hair transplants, places like
Bozzi Medical or something. I said, can you transfer this
out of my ass to my scalp. I'll be walking
around brushing that shit. They be like, man, this stink
like ass around here. I don't know what you're talking about,
but these waves are the ship. I'm about to give
me a doody rag. Shit. That didn't That didn't make
(16:41):
me thinking it was bad when I need him cut
down the NBA.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
What made me thought it was here?
Speaker 1 (16:45):
When I looked outside and seeing his homies man with
a mask on, I was like, wait a minute.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
What is pissy Joe?
Speaker 1 (16:52):
No shit, he was just eating out of that dumpster yesterday.
Now he got a mask on.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
What has he heard?
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I mean they think we you know, they think this
shit smart. Though they got curfews in some city. I
was in Nashville. I think they had a ten o'clock
curfew like COVID nineteen. Smartest shit like you out of ten.
O five, pitch what you're doing out of jail?
Speaker 2 (17:16):
O five? You' thene fucked up. I'm about to I'm
about to get all in your lungs.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
You know who I am. I can seeing people at
restaurants they're eating put their man's back up like COVID
nineteen playing double dug oh.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Oh. I was almost sometimes.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
But see, you know, people get scared about that shit fast.
I ain't trusted to when they clothes down to church.
That was some bullshit. Cause I believe in God.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I cousin talk a lot of shit, but I believe
in God. It ain't nothing but got it.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Let y'all can't come down here to the I'm the
club and watch me tape the show.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
I don't care if you believe on the Libery. God
is good man. You know I mean him when he
preachers up here center. His name is Jesus. He was
born in a manger. His mother was a verger.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
He came down for our sin. He came down run
nick Tree. He came down to save our souls. He
came down for our centens.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
He came down for our burden. He walked on water.
I said, he walked on water. He walked on water.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Man said he was blind. He said, Jesus said, you
ain't blind, but this clean on your face. People, you
can see me.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
I can see you.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Jesus, I can't walk. Get your ass up and get
off the bed. Carry your bed on home.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
He walked on home. They said, Jesus last Us is dead. No,
he ain't. Get your ass out of that grade ladding.
You ain't dead.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Get your porker hands up right now, Jesus, wee hollery.
I got two pieces of fish and five nose of bread.
Give me some miracle wheel, that's right, give me some America.
I'm gonna make two of the fists satura. He hung
from the cross. He a letter. He rose from the grave,
I said. Three days later, one, two, three, Three days
later he rose from the grave. Cause depth don't have
(19:08):
no power. Depth don't have no stings. Depth can't hold
me in the ground. What about COVID nineteen? Shut the doors,
we gonna live stream. Shut the doors right now. Well,
God tired. He didn't done enough for y'all. If we
will get mad, I joke about it. I'm a comedian.
I'm a joke about this shit. Because some of the
(19:28):
shit is funny, and I don't give a fucking people dyer.
They've been dying for motherfucking many, many motherfucking years. This
ain't the first fucking time we dine died, motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
But now they keeping count for real.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
You know they died twenty seventeen, eighteen nineteen, more than
fucking two oh nine.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
They died.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Motherfucker died all the time. They ain't never keep fucking counting.
I said, we're doing. You ain't gonna live that damn
long anyway. They gonna live long the fucking up and
that's it. You ain't gonna live fucking forever. I don't
want Leah pat eighty eighty five, My damn said, I
don't won't be too old.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Well, I don't even know I'm alive. You ever see
them people? They so old they chewing and ain't even
got nothing in their mouth. You have to do mouth,
you hungry papa? Do you know that? Why motherfucker be
(20:30):
shaking like dad? He ain't like you. Ask him a
bunch of questions. He don't agree, withever, What do you
what do you shake your hand? You agree me?
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
I agree anyway. You can't take your hand.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Out, what are you talking about? And some of them
people be too independent. They be getting on my nerve
out that golden crap. This old lady had that palsy
hand shaking everywhere. She's shaking coin and mac and cheek.
He's on everything.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
It was all in the fudge and shit. I was
like Ms. Brown, let's I ain't get that ship for
I got it, I got it, just shake it. And
she had a dog too, he shaken too. They both
like they in their own private earthquake.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Shit. This is just scaring me though. I ain't no,
I'm glad to be doing County anywhere, man, because I
ain't have shit to fall back on. And when they
shut down everything, I I went to college to drop
my cousin off.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I ain't have no had no money, I have nothing
to fall back on. I got nervous.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
I mean we were in the toilet paper shorting. That
shit scared the hell out of me.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
You know, I had to.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
I had to hold my shits, you know what I'm saying.
Cause we use the back good you know, we was.
We lived a nice life. We had good toilet paper.
We had that angel soft where the fourth ply with
the Angel Land I used to just bother up and
hit my ass and drive it in the water.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Ball of it hit it had just driving in the water.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
It was it was.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
It sucked all the water out the toilet. I had
some of the tilet baby in that water.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
But when time got hard, during that pandemic, shit, we
moved from angel Saw down to Scot Scott is one
ply you know what I'm saying. But it got wood
chips in it. You can't wipe all will and Nelly
was Scott. You gotta take your tie like it's like
(22:30):
trying not to get no splinters in my booty hole,
you understand them. And then my wife only allowed me
three three sheets a day. So I had to get creative.
I had to learn or got me so I can
be able to get I turned it into a swan
and then to a table football so.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
I can get the crack clock. I ain't finger food.
For a while, I wasn't. I wasn't looking nothing of
my finger. I tore the paper shortage. Can't do that,
but it got it got nervous around the house. Man
(23:14):
wasn't no money coming in. I was getting scared.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Man were down our last two rolls of Scott, two
packs of top Ramen Nouda. We had creamy chicken and
motherfucker beef and shit, and we got nervous. I was like,
all right, this is getting crazy around here. You know.
I had to call the family meeting, Family meeting, fatly meeting.
They was like, what's wrong, Daddy wasn't wrong. Well, we
ain't got no money coming in. We down our last
(23:39):
two rolls of Scott. I don't know what we're gonna do.
What you think we should do, daddy? I said, Well,
I didn't came to the conclusion somebody might have to
sell some ass around here. My wife said get your
ass after that, then I said I'm going. I'm going.
(24:00):
I wonder how much money I can get for this
man pussy out here. I didn't all of the wait,
maybe somebody wanted this shit got hard on me though. Man.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Before this ship hit, I was.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
D l Veil Crowfley you understand me, D level crossing.
See y'all don't understand who you.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
I'm d Lavell motherfucker crow.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
I was in d T last time I standing breaking
bad TV shows.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
After Yin Yang, I was on a dirty City tourren
Mike Yep.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Hey, I appreciate the claps, and I appreciate you not clapping, sir,
thank you.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Very much, Like I still don't know who the fuck
you are out a lot of things.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yes, yes, I was the fucking vel Crowfley, but this
pandemic hit. I used to walk around my house talking shit.
I did ain't gonna walk around the house. You know
why these lights on his house? Huh? You know why
these lights on his house? Anybody know these jokes? K
these goddamn lights on his house. Anybody else can tell
the fucking joke to put some lights on the house.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Anybody, anybody, anybody tell us joke.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
The lights on.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
I don't know nobody else. I know, you don't. You
know why the food that refrigeration? You know what food that.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
These joke keep that food and re reserator. Anybody tells them,
don't keep the food in refrigerator.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
I'm the big dog around.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
That pandemic here that I went for big dogs, the
puppet dog, real queer. I went in thes a veil,
cross with the veil like a motherfucker. I would walk
around the house humble as hell, like.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
They was like, what's up, big dog? No, not right now?
I ain't big dog right now. I'm more like kitty cat.
I ain't uh, And I was being real nice. I
was talking to my wife. I was like, hey, bull,
you you think I can give a little that on you.
She talking to me like I want the kid, then
your ass.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Just have some orange juice earlier, like everybody else, get
some water, motherfucker, cause your jokes didn't pay for this day.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Damn orange joke. But can yo jokes take the trash out?
Can you joke take the traps down? Can you joke
cut the grass?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
I was crying, like, while you're in for saking me
the lord. I used to bet the zither alcohol I
didne fell out so fast. I didn't even go through
the stages of drug abusing alcohol. I ain't get a documentary. Hell,
I didn't even get an unsung on TV one. Wait,
(26:45):
and then my mama called, you need to call the
unde plumbing office and get your honey park lot. However,
thirty senty til now, I'm calling unploved. Though my mama
stopped stuffing up all that bullshit, crying shit, I called him.
I got six months back stemings plus my unemployment. I'm
getting twenty two hundred every other week. I say, shit,
(27:06):
what's that number one here? I didn't even say hold on,
I just clicked the fuck over.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
A little black girl answered, yes, yes, this is the key.
She had the uneployment. I was, how can I help you?
I say, Hi, the keys, sir.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
I heard you giving people back stemming this money plus
their unemplumbing. That's correct, sir, really helping people out. I
like to help myself out too, and I can I
get my money to sir. Let's get your fire name
in the files and get you gone. What's your name, sir?
Speaker 2 (27:33):
I went Lavell Crawford. She's like z Lavel Crowts. I
just hung on the fucking phone. I said this help
was about to set me up. You're gonna have me
on Instagram live and.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Tm Z Jeff poold Jeff file for his un em
Floyd Dean Lavell Crawford.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
That's right, Dean.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
With my who ain't worth in thirty years, said he
was getting thirty five hundred.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
I called the keys and right the fuck back. I
was like, how the kids? You know who the fuck
this is?
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Yes, this is Deela bell Crop cause you put my
name in them fire so I can get my thirty
five hundred right now. My shit is still pended. I
ain't got my shit, yeah, but I mean, you know,
that's one thing. I got.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
A salute my wife.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
She got me through this shit, man, cause she's got
my That's why I love I love black love.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
I love it. I love it. I love white love too.
If you got it, man, I love it.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
Real.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
My wife been there, man, I mean, she she been,
you know, and I got my wife.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
You know, I was weighing five and fifty pounds. I
don't even know why she was with me. I'm glad
she never woke up.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Real, I mean, and people always want to try to
get you with smaller people, you know, bigger people. When
you're a big person, you need to get a good
you're saying, I don't got nothing problem with big women.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I think y'all love you, But damn it, I can't
be with you all. Were gonna do it?
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Argue why you sweating? While you sweating, you eat my chicken?
To gat my damn chicken. We couldn't do nothing, freaky
and move your t to the left, move yours to
the right. Hold your stomach, gup, hold your stomach gup.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
Try to go down on it. I can't even find
it out down there. Her thigh we as hell, you
know what.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
I just put our clothes on and go to go
to corrals. It was so hot down there, it felt
like I had a hoodie sweater on.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
My wife been with me through the thick of thing.
I'm telling you, she been there. When I mean the.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Thick, I mean the real thing. She's so beautiful. She
used to find my dick for both of us, you
know what. I hold your stomach up and.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Don't let it down till I get out of there.
I'm like, okay. She like you down there working on
the Chevy truck, like you find it. Yeah, I find it.
But he's very scared now as you as she was brave.
(30:17):
She let me get on top. Every once in a while,
I'll be on top for a minute and my arm
starts shaking. Say, huh, lay on your back, Lay on
your back. You getting tied?
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Uhuh?
Speaker 2 (30:28):
You getting tired. The last time you collapsed on me,
I missed a week of work. I love her to death, man,
I kill her. Dare she ever left me? You ain't
going nowhere? Woman, that's you. My boo, I love. That's
real love when you're trying to kill you one.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
I said, I kill you, dad, if you ever loved me,
I mean I ain't got I ain't giving nobody else.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
That's real love right there.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
How many men would kill the woman if they left
her one crazy man back there? You you blessed sir,
You blessed women. Women like a crazy man. If your
man want willing to kill you, ain't saying.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Kill you for real.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
But if shit got real deep, you fuck your ass up.
You know what I'm saying. And women like crazy man
like crazy men like crazy women. They do, dude, be
busy than the crazy women. They say they got some
good
Your proactive really ain't working, you know. I take your
cups in your silverlwear.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Home with you. You know.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
But now COVID nineteen is here. It's getting the fuck
out of everybody. It just came on the zee fucked
canceling leukemia, all those diabetes, all them diseases, COVID nineteen,
which is on the back of a life. All can
gott us all walk around looking like we're about to
rob a train.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
This only time you supposed to wear a mask when
you walk in the bank. I walk in the bank, sir.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
You can't come in here without a mask, I said,
thank you for warning me, sir.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I put my mass on.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Came everybody on the ground. Everybody on the fucking ground.
Now I'm just glad he's robbing us with a mask on.
At least be safe. I don't want to get sick
laying on this floor because we were so stupid with
(01:03):
this fucking mask. I'm so sick of you, motherfucking me.
Fucking put your maths. God put George, don't love me,
bitch out of that stupid ass ship. I mean, you
gotta cover both air holes. Come your mouth, come your nose.
I can't breathe.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I need one of them open motherfuckers. What kind of
pull shit is that?
Speaker 1 (01:27):
And they want you to put that cloth shit on you,
but you gotta tampon on your fucking face that ship
her into your goddamn tho.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
You gotta be the mellow in and shit and then
black folk. We changed it up.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Shit, I blean min out girl, I'm study ship all
over it. I got God bless me, I'm blessed on it.
We just go to goddamn far. We gonna pimp by
masks ship I damn and say, you know, the mask
did so stupid because people wearing outside and fresh air
(02:01):
birds still fucking flying around, like look at that time,
motherfucker out here with a mask, come, that's God's fresh air.
What the fuck you skirt outside? I mean now, I
mean I can't get on board with this mask unless
I'm outside and the bird gonna go boom. Then I'll
(02:21):
be like, oh shit, this ship for real, this my
real Lord, Heaven.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Is eesus right now.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Fuck that damn man all he wear because I can't
get in stores without it. So as I get in there,
I pull that bitch down. They'll be walking around. Excuse me, saying,
I'm so sorry you ain't having down and just fell
down and I'm just sorry. This mask got a minding myself.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
They don't work.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
If you can still smell a fart, you know these
masks don't work for real, I mean real, they don't work.
I fared on a guy with the mass the other day.
I lit him up too, man, I can't. I gave
one up, silent but deadly one right dore hah.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
And this thing is so bad. It looked like he
came out with a knife in his hand.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
I was like, ooh, I ain't even gonna look at him, man,
even look at him.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Hope you don't think it's me. I turned around. He
look at me right my damn face, and he.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Was like, I'm like, what's your problem? He said, did
you just fart? I said, did you smell it? He said, yes,
I did. I said, where your mask gets malfunctioning, And
you should be saying, thank you could I just saved
your life because if my far getting through that mass,
lord knows COVID nineteen is following right behind him.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
I mean, he wrote it down.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
This is the best time to fart, though, I mean
in public, it's like fort topyo out there, man, I'd
be faring on groups of motherfucker be cropped up and
happpen wrap it out. They don't even know it's me.
I can stand down, just letting shit out. They're like,
oh my god, it must be a sewermain broke around here,
and I'll be standing right there.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
Yes, this city is just falling apart.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Cause back in the day when you had to park
stomach be body, you had to find you had to
find a secret face to fart, you know, you had
to find a play no one down. Like in the
grocery store, I find an empty owl, usually where the
disinfectans is, you know, because if it's stink too bad,
I just raised the lights all around, you know.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
You know, light's all is so funny.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
It killed ninety nine point nine motherfucking odors, but shit
ain't one.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
But it smell like this.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Either you shit a bunch of limons or you shit
a tree. That's smell.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
I mean I killed that our man, I wiped that our.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
They need to put some comb down there, but then
they're always old, reliable, nosy motherfucker come right behind me.
Oh my god, we need a manager immediately, I think
something died over here under these shelves.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Sir, do you smell that?
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Y know?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
You don't smell that? Said no, I do not smile it.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
And I got it that before I got arrested. This ship,
this shit again, This shit getting stupid. Man, they think
we they think we dumb. Man.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
For real.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
You go to the grocery store. They got street sides
in the grocery store. Now one way left turned stop.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
I went, I went down back down the hole this lady,
because they excuse me, sad. You got it right away,
I said, Cale.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
If I am, I started creaming on your potato chips
down here, I be damn. I walk all the way
around the fucking store to come back where the fuck
I'm at.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
You better report me, Hugh, because I.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Believego this shit getting out of control because people be
snitching on you.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
I have your mask on and nobody know all the
symptoms and shit, So I mean you do something.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
I look at them scratches fore head and motherfucker got
that shit.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Look like what you sniffing for?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Mother fucker?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
What's wrong with you? Stay out of my house? You know?
Speaker 1 (06:06):
But I read on the can lights all killed COVID
nineteen shit. I got the vaccine right now. I spring
my face right away with light salt. It burned like
a motherfucker b like forty minutes.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
Then I'm good. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
I don't like to mask myself because it's it's a burden.
You know how it is, you rushing you. I'm going
to the store real quick. I get to the fucking door.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Like damn.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
I forgot my damn mask, and at my car parked
all the way at the end of the fucking street
and it's raining outside. Fucked that damn mask. I'm going
to this store anyway, I said. I wish you, motherfucker
say futher wurd. I walk in the door of police
standing with his mask gone, hand on his gun. Tell
my cirt, we're your mask. I stepped back and put
my underwear on my fucking.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Face, I said.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I said, I'll be damn I get shot when I
have no mask. Come and I walked in the store
and they.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Said, sir, could you put that over your nose?
Speaker 1 (06:58):
I said, ma'am, If I put this shit over my nose,
you're gonna have to call an ambute lance.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
I got the balls on my face. I'll be damn.
But I put that ship stained on.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
My nose, and I just can't believe people then caught
on to this mass shit so fast. He's in the
same people do something, the nastiest shit in the world.
See the home me the booty whole out. But lah lah,
then they.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
The cootie had a dick squirt all in your face.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
And then you.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Wait on the next morning. I gotta go to this door.
I gotta stay same.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Really, you're afraid of COVID nineteen and you got COVID
forty four. Last night, my cousin he hed a little
bit bigger than me. He ain't about five forty, right,
he got a nerve having mask on. But they don't
make big and tall masks, right, his mask just cover
(07:59):
his mouth. Right here, he's still eating under the man.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
He putting French.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Fried and hot dogs and shit under the man.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
He was eating the rib the other day. Ate too,
fas ate the fucking man. Y'all got another man.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
You don't need one COVID nineteen to get it lost
in you trying to get You're gonna die from salad.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Get the fuck out of here. I don't I don't
like the man because it's the burden.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I see the lady and some people looking at me,
mad at me, judging meet I'm talking about it.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
I came in there. Shut your hands up. I can
say what the fuck I want.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
We were just normal motherfuckers picking ship off the ground.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
You find the cheeto between yo ze be like, guy
made dirt, dirt, don't hurt.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Then all of a sudden, we didn became German for
shut up, get the fuck out of here. Uggy people
kissing babies and ship then they don't even know where
they lives being with all of.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
A sudden, I think people kissing dogs.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
You know, I was on fucking playing the fucking dogs
right next to me.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
I was, excuse me, stewardess, this dog gonna have a
fucking mask. Come.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
I don't feel safe the dog looking at me like,
uh here you go with this boy shit heam don't
make kids wear masks and them it is something the dirties.
Motherfucker in the world.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
The motherfucker sneak. I can snod all over the play.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
I just call that COVID nineteen right there, get out
of here, little Johnny, And I ain't trying to I
ain't trying to leave nobody astray. Don't get me wrong,
I'm not up here preaching. I just think that you know,
we got we can sit question a few things, like
doctor Falgi.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I don't even know who the fuck he is. He
looked like COVID nineteen. I don't trust that motherfucker. He
done had it for years.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
He's still around and it ain't It must not be
that damn bad because the most hated president in the
world had it, and he had it for three days.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
He right back up like. I was like, what kind
of COVID here?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
He must have had COVID sixteen, you know, cause I
had it. I had. Let me tell you, I had it,
all right, I had. I went down hut he help
me out. But next day I felt better than I
ever did before, and I was I was like, man,
maybe my blood is the vaccine.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Maybe the hero.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
I knew he wasn't gonna win because it's running mate,
he's a walking dead. Anytime you sit up there and
got a fly on top of your head and you
don't swap that ship one time, you ain't alive. Motherfucker
come out the flyer just sitting up there like there,
and they're like, what you mean him on the head,
you know, and you know they keep calling it a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
That's what bothered me. A pandemic.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
I think these motherfuckers just be making shit up because
it ain't a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
You know why you don't have that fucking pandemic. I
seen the movie. I saw the fucking movie. All right, now,
you're shure.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Movie got deadbody hanging outside abandoned cars or crow eating
a fucking dead eye out, motherfucking zom. That's a fucking pandemic.
This is not a pandemic. This is a mask. Damn.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
You know why the ain't a pandemic?
Speaker 1 (11:12):
You know why bill collectors keep calling my fucking house
the fuck I feel alive? Ain't nobody sneezed on a
keyboard at the electric company. Ain't nobody coughed on the
monitor at the gas company. Lady from the car no
Place called mister Crawbery, you're too much behind on your car. No,
I said, COVID ninety. He said, oh my god, you
(11:40):
have it. No my bank account got it.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
It has no taste, no smell, It has no funds either.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
We have it on a respirator right now, and we're
taking it day by day.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
They be threatened to turn shit off at my house.
Mister Crabbitt, you're laid on your payment again. We're gonna
cut your electrigity off.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
I said, cut it out, cut it off. You're willing
to cut my elector to the hut a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
My children don't have.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Nothing right now, we'll have no food. We ain't got
no ladder. We gotta work mad everywhere. Cut it out,
by the fuck. You don't cut off of the pandemic.
God forgive your soul. Oh my god, come down, sir.
(12:41):
Anybody in your house have COVID nineteen. No, we do not,
but we're suffering from it. Okay, mister Crobi, we will
give you an instantially. We'll give you six months. Six months,
that's all you're willing to give me to the pandemic.
Who knows how long he's gonna grow. They told us
three months, they told us three weeks. You only gonna
give me sick mister crappor Colm down. We'll give you
(13:03):
a year if that's what you want to do. That
shit worked like a mone buck. It work all day.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
I cut my camera off, cut on.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
You're gonna cut my camera off in the middle of
a pet dammic c.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
My yous ain't gonna be able to watch spunge Bob.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
They won't be able to enjoy in the medal that
because you won't cut out came out. They're the pat David.
Oh my god, what else are they gonna take it us?
Mister Cropper, Calm down. We'll give you six months, six months,
then let you company gave me a year, okay, we'll
(13:52):
give you a year or two. Just a year.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
We'll match them and give you a year and a
half if that's what you want to do. That shit
work on every every bill company. Don't work on my wife.
Though I was we were locked down. I was trying
to talk into something bad. I said, gonna get run
blue down, put it in your mouth, sucking your nasty
(14:17):
ass dick. I said, really, you don't want something about
dick and we'd have been of a pandemic.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
I can't even believe you would turn me down. We
don't have nothing else.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Said all right, mother, buck, I nuggie Dick, cause I'm
going to the same thing.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
I'm going through the pandemic too. Since I'm dunking that dick,
you're gonna eat my boot jo I said, well, that's
calm down, that's calm down. We gotta stay safe. We
don't know how this is contracted with.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Eating booty hole right now, don't sound like a good judgment.
I'm gonna put my mask on and I'm gonna give
you the six feets please, and this shit kind of
on fat they talking about. I knew it was bad
when when they shut down the NBA. I'm like, no, no, like, really,
(15:23):
Lebron make a hunt. Lebron James making a hundred millions
dollars a year.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
He can stop.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Playing for fifty years, come back and still got two
hundred million in the fucking bank.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Lebron got so much money his hairline does what he wanted?
Fucking do really gonna be back here? Then it's up here.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Then it's a bang, then it'd be a curly cue
and gone down to be a mustache.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
There's a goatee, just then a side burn. There's a shag.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
That's millions dollar of hair rack there. Shit, I don't
got that kind of money hair. My hair won't even
grow up here. It's like a like it's a no
trust fashion sign up here. They're growing a side on
my eyebrows on my mouth, but it won't grow on
the fucking top of my hair. I got hair in
my asshole.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
I don't even know why. I mean, like, am I
grown a tail? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
I'm about to call one new hair transplants, places like
Bozzi Medical or something. I said, can you transfer this
out of my ass to my scalp. I'll be walking
around brushing that shit. They be like, man, this stink
like ass around here. I don't know what you're talking about,
but these waves are the ship. I'm about to give
me a doody rag. Shit. That didn't That didn't make
(16:41):
me thinking it was bad when I need him cut
down the NBA.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
What made me thought it was here?
Speaker 1 (16:45):
When I looked outside and seeing his homies man with
a mask on, I was like, wait a minute.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
What is pissy Joe?
Speaker 1 (16:52):
No shit, he was just eating out of that dumpster yesterday.
Now he got a mask on.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
What has he heard?
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I mean they think we you know, they think this
shit smart. Though they got curfews in some city. I
was in Nashville. I think they had a ten o'clock
curfew like COVID nineteen. Smartest shit like you out of ten.
O five, pitch what you're doing out of jail?
Speaker 2 (17:16):
O five? You' thene fucked up. I'm about to I'm
about to get all in your lungs.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
You know who I am. I can seeing people at
restaurants they're eating put their man's back up like COVID
nineteen playing double dug oh.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Oh. I was almost sometimes.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
But see, you know, people get scared about that shit fast.
I ain't trusted to when they clothes down to church.
That was some bullshit. Cause I believe in God.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I cousin talk a lot of shit, but I believe
in God. It ain't nothing but got it.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Let y'all can't come down here to the I'm the
club and watch me tape the show.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
I don't care if you believe on the Libery. God
is good man. You know I mean him when he
preachers up here center. His name is Jesus. He was
born in a manger. His mother was a verger.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
He came down for our sin. He came down run
nick Tree. He came down to save our souls. He
came down for our centens.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
He came down for our burden. He walked on water.
I said, he walked on water. He walked on water.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Man said he was blind. He said, Jesus said, you
ain't blind, but this clean on your face. People, you
can see me.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
I can see you.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Jesus, I can't walk. Get your ass up and get
off the bed. Carry your bed on home.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
He walked on home. They said, Jesus last Us is dead. No,
he ain't. Get your ass out of that grade ladding.
You ain't dead.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Get your porker hands up right now, Jesus, wee hollery.
I got two pieces of fish and five nose of bread.
Give me some miracle wheel, that's right, give me some America.
I'm gonna make two of the fists satura. He hung
from the cross. He a letter. He rose from the grave,
I said. Three days later, one, two, three, Three days
later he rose from the grave. Cause depth don't have
(19:08):
no power. Depth don't have no stings. Depth can't hold
me in the ground. What about COVID nineteen? Shut the doors,
we gonna live stream. Shut the doors right now. Well,
God tired. He didn't done enough for y'all. If we
will get mad, I joke about it. I'm a comedian.
I'm a joke about this shit. Because some of the
(19:28):
shit is funny, and I don't give a fucking people dyer.
They've been dying for motherfucking many, many motherfucking years. This
ain't the first fucking time we dine died, motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
But now they keeping count for real.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
You know they died twenty seventeen, eighteen nineteen, more than
fucking two oh nine.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
They died.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Motherfucker died all the time. They ain't never keep fucking counting.
I said, we're doing. You ain't gonna live that damn
long anyway. They gonna live long the fucking up and
that's it. You ain't gonna live fucking forever. I don't
want Leah pat eighty eighty five, My damn said, I
don't won't be too old.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Well, I don't even know I'm alive. You ever see
them people? They so old they chewing and ain't even
got nothing in their mouth. You have to do mouth,
you hungry papa? Do you know that? Why motherfucker be
(20:30):
shaking like dad? He ain't like you. Ask him a
bunch of questions. He don't agree, withever, What do you
what do you shake your hand? You agree me?
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
I agree anyway. You can't take your hand.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Out, what are you talking about? And some of them
people be too independent. They be getting on my nerve
out that golden crap. This old lady had that palsy
hand shaking everywhere. She's shaking coin and mac and cheek.
He's on everything.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
It was all in the fudge and shit. I was
like Ms. Brown, let's I ain't get that ship for
I got it, I got it, just shake it. And
she had a dog too, he shaken too. They both
like they in their own private earthquake.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Shit. This is just scaring me though. I ain't no,
I'm glad to be doing County anywhere, man, because I
ain't have shit to fall back on. And when they
shut down everything, I I went to college to drop
my cousin off.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I ain't have no had no money, I have nothing
to fall back on. I got nervous.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
I mean we were in the toilet paper shorting. That
shit scared the hell out of me.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
You know, I had to.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
I had to hold my shits, you know what I'm saying.
Cause we use the back good you know, we was.
We lived a nice life. We had good toilet paper.
We had that angel soft where the fourth ply with
the Angel Land I used to just bother up and
hit my ass and drive it in the water.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Ball of it hit it had just driving in the water.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
It was it was.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
It sucked all the water out the toilet. I had
some of the tilet baby in that water.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
But when time got hard, during that pandemic, shit, we
moved from angel Saw down to Scot Scott is one
ply you know what I'm saying. But it got wood
chips in it. You can't wipe all will and Nelly
was Scott. You gotta take your tie like it's like
(22:30):
trying not to get no splinters in my booty hole,
you understand them. And then my wife only allowed me
three three sheets a day. So I had to get creative.
I had to learn or got me so I can
be able to get I turned it into a swan
and then to a table football so.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
I can get the crack clock. I ain't finger food.
For a while, I wasn't. I wasn't looking nothing of
my finger. I tore the paper shortage. Can't do that,
but it got it got nervous around the house. Man
(23:14):
wasn't no money coming in. I was getting scared.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Man were down our last two rolls of Scott, two
packs of top Ramen Nouda. We had creamy chicken and
motherfucker beef and shit, and we got nervous. I was like,
all right, this is getting crazy around here. You know.
I had to call the family meeting, Family meeting, fatly meeting.
They was like, what's wrong, Daddy wasn't wrong. Well, we
ain't got no money coming in. We down our last
(23:39):
two rolls of Scott. I don't know what we're gonna do.
What you think we should do, daddy? I said, Well,
I didn't came to the conclusion somebody might have to
sell some ass around here. My wife said get your
ass after that, then I said I'm going. I'm going.
(24:00):
I wonder how much money I can get for this
man pussy out here. I didn't all of the wait,
maybe somebody wanted this shit got hard on me though. Man.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Before this ship hit, I was.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
D l Veil Crowfley you understand me, D level crossing.
See y'all don't understand who you.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
I'm d Lavell motherfucker crow.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
I was in d T last time I standing breaking
bad TV shows.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
After Yin Yang, I was on a dirty City tourren
Mike Yep.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Hey, I appreciate the claps, and I appreciate you not clapping, sir,
thank you.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Very much, Like I still don't know who the fuck
you are out a lot of things.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yes, yes, I was the fucking vel Crowfley, but this
pandemic hit. I used to walk around my house talking shit.
I did ain't gonna walk around the house. You know
why these lights on his house? Huh? You know why
these lights on his house? Anybody know these jokes? K
these goddamn lights on his house. Anybody else can tell
the fucking joke to put some lights on the house.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Anybody, anybody, anybody tell us joke.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
The lights on.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
I don't know nobody else. I know, you don't. You
know why the food that refrigeration? You know what food that.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
These joke keep that food and re reserator. Anybody tells them,
don't keep the food in refrigerator.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
I'm the big dog around.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
That pandemic here that I went for big dogs, the
puppet dog, real queer. I went in thes a veil,
cross with the veil like a motherfucker. I would walk
around the house humble as hell, like.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
They was like, what's up, big dog? No, not right now?
I ain't big dog right now. I'm more like kitty cat.
I ain't uh, And I was being real nice. I
was talking to my wife. I was like, hey, bull,
you you think I can give a little that on you.
She talking to me like I want the kid, then
your ass.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Just have some orange juice earlier, like everybody else, get
some water, motherfucker, cause your jokes didn't pay for this day.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Damn orange joke. But can yo jokes take the trash out?
Can you joke take the traps down? Can you joke
cut the grass?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
I was crying, like, while you're in for saking me
the lord. I used to bet the zither alcohol I
didne fell out so fast. I didn't even go through
the stages of drug abusing alcohol. I ain't get a documentary. Hell,
I didn't even get an unsung on TV one. Wait,
(26:45):
and then my mama called, you need to call the
unde plumbing office and get your honey park lot. However,
thirty senty til now, I'm calling unploved. Though my mama
stopped stuffing up all that bullshit, crying shit, I called him.
I got six months back stemings plus my unemployment. I'm
getting twenty two hundred every other week. I say, shit,
(27:06):
what's that number one here? I didn't even say hold on,
I just clicked the fuck over.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
A little black girl answered, yes, yes, this is the key.
She had the uneployment. I was, how can I help you?
I say, Hi, the keys, sir.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
I heard you giving people back stemming this money plus
their unemplumbing. That's correct, sir, really helping people out. I
like to help myself out too, and I can I
get my money to sir. Let's get your fire name
in the files and get you gone. What's your name, sir?
Speaker 2 (27:33):
I went Lavell Crawford. She's like z Lavel Crowts. I
just hung on the fucking phone. I said this help
was about to set me up. You're gonna have me
on Instagram live and.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Tm Z Jeff poold Jeff file for his un em
Floyd Dean Lavell Crawford.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
That's right, Dean.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
With my who ain't worth in thirty years, said he
was getting thirty five hundred.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
I called the keys and right the fuck back. I
was like, how the kids? You know who the fuck
this is?
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Yes, this is Deela bell Crop cause you put my
name in them fire so I can get my thirty
five hundred right now. My shit is still pended. I
ain't got my shit, yeah, but I mean, you know,
that's one thing. I got.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
A salute my wife.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
She got me through this shit, man, cause she's got
my That's why I love I love black love.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
I love it. I love it. I love white love too.
If you got it, man, I love it.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
Real.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
My wife been there, man, I mean, she she been,
you know, and I got my wife.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
You know, I was weighing five and fifty pounds. I
don't even know why she was with me. I'm glad
she never woke up.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Real, I mean, and people always want to try to
get you with smaller people, you know, bigger people. When
you're a big person, you need to get a good
you're saying, I don't got nothing problem with big women.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I think y'all love you, But damn it, I can't
be with you all. Were gonna do it?
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Argue why you sweating? While you sweating, you eat my chicken?
To gat my damn chicken. We couldn't do nothing, freaky
and move your t to the left, move yours to
the right. Hold your stomach, gup, hold your stomach gup.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
Try to go down on it. I can't even find
it out down there. Her thigh we as hell, you
know what.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
I just put our clothes on and go to go
to corrals. It was so hot down there, it felt
like I had a hoodie sweater on.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
My wife been with me through the thick of thing.
I'm telling you, she been there. When I mean the.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Thick, I mean the real thing. She's so beautiful. She
used to find my dick for both of us, you
know what. I hold your stomach up and.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Don't let it down till I get out of there.
I'm like, okay. She like you down there working on
the Chevy truck, like you find it. Yeah, I find it.
But he's very scared now as you as she was brave.
(30:17):
She let me get on top. Every once in a while,
I'll be on top for a minute and my arm
starts shaking. Say, huh, lay on your back, Lay on
your back. You getting tied?
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Uhuh?
Speaker 2 (30:28):
You getting tired. The last time you collapsed on me,
I missed a week of work. I love her to death, man,
I kill her. Dare she ever left me? You ain't
going nowhere? Woman, that's you. My boo, I love. That's
real love when you're trying to kill you one.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
I said, I kill you, dad, if you ever loved me,
I mean I ain't got I ain't giving nobody else.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
That's real love right there.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
How many men would kill the woman if they left
her one crazy man back there? You you blessed sir,
You blessed women. Women like a crazy man. If your
man want willing to kill you, ain't saying.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Kill you for real.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
But if shit got real deep, you fuck your ass up.
You know what I'm saying. And women like crazy man
like crazy men like crazy women. They do, dude, be
busy than the crazy women. They say they got some
good
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