October 5, 2025 • 58 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:20):
Life from the Red Fox Comedy Club in Los Angeles.
This is thirty Dirty Jokes with your host for the evening,
the undistood It King of Kidgy Comedy, the godfather of
dirty dirty jokes, mister Red Fox, and starring the Hulam
of you Were, mister Andrew Dice Clay.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
What do you mean bisexual? Either?
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Sup?
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Dicker? You don't?
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Featuring the Sultan mister Bob Shimmle.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
Guys really love him though you never met a guy
where a girl goes, hey, I want to blow job.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Nah, I'm the thirty one Laer wonder Man, Mister Jackie Martley.
Speaker 5 (00:54):
It's hard to tell stories about animals because you get
confused because if a sheep is a ram and mules
and ass, how come a ramonis is a goose?
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Right and rolls Royce of Ranch, Ronaldo Rey, I near
a little six D eight.
Speaker 6 (01:07):
You do me and I owe you are with.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
The lovely miss Lotus Winstock, who talks to you ladies
about the subtle art of attracting that special men and.
Speaker 6 (01:17):
A rare guest here.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
It's by John Wayne, also known as mister Danny Johnstone.
Speaker 7 (01:23):
Bono Snatcho's comebacks.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
For this special show Red, Fox looked high and low
for the most offensive and outrageously funny comics anywhere.
Speaker 8 (01:34):
Let's look at this rising star Sultan of Slut Bob SHIMMEO.
Speaker 9 (01:57):
Well, this is a great evening. I was kind of
the p yes today.
Speaker 4 (02:00):
I read in the newspaper this morning that people could
actually make money donating sperm to sperm banks. And that
really bothered me because last year alone, I left five
six hundred dollars slipped through my fingers.
Speaker 9 (02:14):
Having problems with my wife.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
She showed me an article on the Cosmo magazine about
the g spot. If you heard about this, They found
a new spot on the woman's body that's supposed to
produce the most unbelievable orgasm, supposed to last like thirty minutes.
What does the guy do for thirty minutes? What do
you go to seven to eleven, get a six pack
some cigarettes, you come back. She's not done yet. So
(02:40):
he went to a marriage councilor he said, what you
gotta do is take your wife to one of these
adult toy stores and get some marital aids and go
home and experiment with them and broaden your sex life.
My wife found a vibrator that takes like twenty D
cell batteries. You could jumpstart your fucking car with us thing.
(03:00):
Why do people say excuse me after they fart. Wouldn't
it be better if they said look out before they
did it? And then they say stuff like what did.
Speaker 9 (03:12):
You eat today? What is that gonna make a difference? Now?
Speaker 4 (03:17):
You ate a taco bell? You want to help me
put the wallpaper back up. Remember a few years ago,
if you went to the doctor and he told you
had the clap, you went, oh God, I can't believe it.
Now when they tell you that, you go. They said
(03:42):
they might have a cure for herpes, but they have
to test it out on rats first. How did they
give a rat herpes? What did they tell some girls
the clinic? Look, do you already got the herpes? Fuck
the rat? Come on, might be your cure on it
for man. Actually, animal sex is not funny. I had
a friend on the Fuck the Dog and it was
the most disgusting thing I ever watched. He's reading Penthouse
(04:09):
magazine today. I have weird ads in Penthouse for all
the sex age you could send away for Like mister
big cream, you rub it on your dick and your
dick gets bigger, wouldn't your hands get bigger too?
Speaker 9 (04:23):
What else? Did I so? Vibrating butt plugs? Who invented this?
Who took it to the patent office?
Speaker 4 (04:37):
Do you know, ladies and gentlemen? The funny thing about blowjobs?
Guys love blowjobs. The only thing they don't like about
him is when you're all done and the girl cuddles
up to you and goes, come here, sweetheart. Don't you
want a little wine or something first? How about a cigarettes?
Speaker 9 (05:03):
You don't smoke? Start smoking?
Speaker 4 (05:06):
And the sick thing is you know you're gonna have
to do it because if you don't, you know, she'll
think that's real nice. He wants me to suck his dick,
but he won't kiss me. How can I get even
with him? And you find out because when you gets her,
you find out she hasn't.
Speaker 9 (05:18):
Swallowed it yet.
Speaker 4 (05:27):
I wanted to try anal sex with my wife. I said,
why don't you lay in your stomach and let me
go in the other way? And she pulled out a
dildo and said, let me do you first. I didn't
like it. I have a hard enough time with a
rectal thermometer. Who invented that? Mommy, I don't feel good.
(05:49):
Let me stick this glass rod up your ass? Now,
how do you feel worse? Let me take it out?
Now do you feel better? See it works? When do
people decide they're going to be gay? What are you
walking down the street one day and say, you know,
I think i'd like a dick up my ass? That's
i'd a good idea. A sizzler, You have a steak,
(06:12):
a baked potato, a glass of wine, a cigarette.
Speaker 9 (06:14):
You don't really top this evening off, I think a
dick up the ass. It's not on the menu. Where
do I find that? Do you ever take a shit
and look at it and it looks like someone you know?
Do you tell him?
Speaker 4 (06:33):
You ever wonder what determines whether it's going to be
two three pieces of that one long one that comes
up the side of the toilet. It always happens at
somebody else's house and they don't have a brush. Remember
when you were a little kid, how big your dad's
(06:54):
dick used to look.
Speaker 9 (06:56):
I think either you're hung or you're hung up about it,
one or the other.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
That's true.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
A guy can show a picture of a naked girl
his girlfriend, like in a Playboy magazine and say you
don't even think she's pretty, and the girl say, yeah,
she's got a nice face or pretty hair or something.
But if a girl shows a picture of a naked
guy to her boyfriend and the guy's got a really
big dick, like four or five inches, they never have
anything positive to say about it. I was at somebody's
(07:21):
house and showing a picture of John Holmes. This guy
looks like a ride at Magic Mountain, and.
Speaker 9 (07:27):
The husband goes, yeah, it's big, but it doesn't get
completely hard. Who gives a shit? What are they talking about?
Speaker 4 (07:33):
Although you read the letters and penhouse from to say,
you know, I've been with the guys with the big dicks,
And to tell you the truth, I'd rather have a warm, loving,
sensitive man with a five inch penis than a man
with a nine inch penis. Women write these They don't
write these letters. Men write them, and they sign women's
names to them, and bless.
Speaker 9 (07:49):
All that works. My wife wants to get a cat
for a pet. I like dogs.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
They're a lot more fun. You can play frisbee with them.
You go jogging with a dog, said, cats are better
than dogs because when a dog has to go to the.
Speaker 9 (07:58):
Bathroom, at three in the morning and has to wake
you up. You have to get up.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
You have to let the dog out, You have to
wait till he's done, you have to let him back in.
When a cat has to go, they don't bother anybody.
They just shit in a box. I don't like the
way that sounds. Shit in a box. Only something new
with McDonald's.
Speaker 9 (08:13):
She said that.
Speaker 4 (08:14):
Cats are so intelligent you could actually teach them to
go on the toilet. Yeah, and then when you have
to go, the cat's in there tomorrow so long you're
gonna be.
Speaker 9 (08:25):
You forget it?
Speaker 4 (08:26):
Where's the box? Then you use the box and your
friends come over and go, what do you got a
mountain lion for a pet?
Speaker 10 (08:32):
Here?
Speaker 4 (08:39):
Was talking to this guy today, was out this girl
last night. He said, Yeah, I fucked the shit out
of her. You know, I never want to see anything
like this. The sounds good to me. I fucked their
brains out. I think I know a few of these girls.
I like when you're with a girl and a guy goes, hey,
(08:59):
fuck ones for me, what do you say?
Speaker 6 (09:01):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (09:01):
And this is for a friend of mine.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
When I reached puberty, when I was like nineteen, my
mom said Bob, You're gonna be getting these funny feelings
pretty soon. And I just want you to know that
it's normal to want to play with yourself. And I said, Ma,
you're a sick fuck. Get out of here, will You
don't need your mother's permission to do this. And I
could never do it because I'm afraid of dying and
embarrassing death. With my luck, I'd be in bed with
(09:29):
like twelve or thirteen Penthouse magazines. Just at that magic moment,
a blood vessel would burst in my head and I'd
die with my dick in my own.
Speaker 9 (09:36):
Parents will come home with company. This is Robert's room.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
So tiny.
Speaker 9 (09:44):
I met this girl. We went out one night.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
She said, you want to have the most unbelievable orgasm
in your life, you let somebody stick a knotted rag
up your ass, and just when you're ready to come,
you have them pull it out. So I said, okay,
I'm willing to try anything once until I see her
taking the rag out of the trunk of her car.
So I said, I don't want the rad She said,
(10:08):
you know what else is just as good. You let
somebody stick a string of beads up your ass. I said, okay,
some at the hospital getting the beads removed, and the
doctor pulled a string and I came like a motherfucker.
Speaker 9 (10:20):
It was unbelievable.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
Well, you guys have been a great crowd. You got
a great show coming up for you. It's been a
real pleasure working here, especially beating the King Red Fox.
Speaker 9 (10:33):
He's definitely the Alchemist folk you very much.
Speaker 5 (10:42):
All right?
Speaker 6 (10:43):
That was Bob Schofel.
Speaker 8 (10:45):
Next is a real good friend of mine from way back.
He's a writer, a producer, and a comedian. He's done
a lot of work in the industry. He has three
albums and you might have one of them.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
He may be the best you've ever heard. Oh r
are we call him the Rose Roys.
Speaker 8 (11:00):
The coming in his lady's album is Ronaldo Rey Lives Brnaldo.
Speaker 11 (11:05):
Rey expected a Mexican dinger.
Speaker 12 (11:20):
This name has fucked me up all my life. I
know I'm wear, I look weird. When I was growing up,
I was weird and I knew it because people were
looking at me and say, he ware and see it's
rough growing up in the ghetto. You know, when you
are a high, yellow, redhead, freckle bayed black Indian country
(11:41):
boy with a Mexican name, and I look in the mirror.
I know we didn't come from Africa looking like this.
Somebody fucked around has either been a coon in the barnyard,
a taco in the hamhock.
Speaker 6 (12:00):
I saw a cracker in the cooking job. But that's
all right.
Speaker 12 (12:05):
I went to New York check out my family treat
and I hate New York.
Speaker 6 (12:10):
Any New Yorkers in here, fuck you.
Speaker 12 (12:19):
I wish can't come and eating that big raggedy motherfucker.
Speaker 6 (12:22):
I hate New York. I met my ex wife in
New York.
Speaker 12 (12:31):
I thought that a woman walked in looked just like
my ex wife tonight. Scared this shit out of me
because I ain't paid no alum on her. I don't
believe in almer. That's like paying for a car that
you can't drive. If I ever sent a woman some alimony, bitch,
(12:53):
better send me some pussy back.
Speaker 8 (12:54):
In the math.
Speaker 12 (13:03):
I was in the bart o there drunk come in,
walked up to the bartender.
Speaker 6 (13:08):
Is all disheveled for you? Drop out?
Speaker 12 (13:11):
I was fucked up. He reproached the bartender. He said, button,
give me a drank quick, man. Bart John said, what's
your problem? He said, man, I standing on corner, mining
my own self in the big truck, come back and
knock my thing off.
Speaker 6 (13:34):
Knock my thing right out of my hand. Thanks, laid
down in the gun. I got that.
Speaker 12 (13:41):
Bartender said, stupid. Ain't no truck knocked your thing off?
He said, swear to god, man, I picked it up
and put it in my pocket.
Speaker 6 (13:50):
Got it right here. I showed you my thing.
Speaker 12 (13:54):
Bartender said, stupid, that ain't your thing. That's an old cigar.
Wrong pocket, seaman.
Speaker 6 (14:09):
My thing trug to knock my shit out. Hey, but
a say.
Speaker 12 (14:14):
Stupid, that's another old cigar. Oh my god, I smoke
my dick. I'm a family man. I've made three times
(14:36):
to three zodiac freaks, a cancer, a scorpio, and a
side your crabby ass.
Speaker 6 (14:44):
I'm so sick of that zodiac.
Speaker 8 (14:46):
Shiit.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
What's your sign with dollar sign? Bitch? Give it up.
Speaker 12 (14:51):
Women are so much into this ship a signal. The
other night, I'm in the throes of passion, approaching orgasmic
bliss with one of them.
Speaker 6 (15:02):
Scorp your old freaks and.
Speaker 12 (15:05):
Right home, mama, And this girl said, Ronaldo, what's your sign?
Speaker 6 (15:13):
I said, Aquarius?
Speaker 11 (15:14):
Mama.
Speaker 6 (15:15):
She said, oh my god, we're.
Speaker 12 (15:17):
Not compatible, I said, leol'd toy alligator god Damn Regnar said,
I was married to three of them freaks, man. All
three of my wife treated me bad. All three of
(15:38):
them died very resteriously. First wife died from mushroom pardon.
Second wife died from mushroom pardon. Third wife died from
a fractured scarf. This pitch one need to mushroom.
Speaker 6 (15:58):
She had to go. Name my only son Herman Junior.
And my name ain't even Herman, mail Man. We named Herman.
I moved from Kansas City to Cleveland.
Speaker 12 (16:12):
To la Each place I got the same, damn mail man.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
I know ain't no route that bard.
Speaker 12 (16:24):
Seriously, I didn't eat no pussy. I thought white boys
ate pussy because they had little bit of joints.
Speaker 6 (16:31):
Now that's what we grew up thinking.
Speaker 12 (16:35):
Then we saw deep throat and all the dick on
that boy hold, I said he must have colored blood. See,
but now we know white boys ain't pussy. Cause of
good we catching up. Now I'm doing my share and
(17:02):
hope to make a giant step for the brothers. Tonight
I've become a freak. I went to Berkeley. Our textbook
was Anthology of a Freak written by Billy Jane King.
That's my girl. I think Billy Joe was a man
(17:22):
about this shit. When they put the finger on it,
she stood up and said, had to pussy. But the
bitch will not get this Malibu house. Ain't no pussy
that gup. Now just roll your ass on out of him. Well, gang,
(17:51):
our time is limited, and so they told me. I
got h in this wonderful shit. I want to say thanks,
j some nice and all of us. Uh, time is
limits that I gotta go, but I wanna say I
love your sweet dreams. Uh, good night, ladies, good luck dudes.
Speaker 6 (18:10):
If your luck is bad, fuck it.
Speaker 13 (18:20):
Give me a great big guy the all go way,
n all, come on on it, hey, get on go way.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Let me.
Speaker 6 (18:35):
Alright, thank you very much.
Speaker 8 (18:42):
Next, you like to introduce the inventor of the dollar
dirty joke liked him.
Speaker 6 (18:47):
Welcome here, you gentlemen, Jackie Martin Man. Give me a
very big round there, Jackie.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Under So guys getting married on Saturday Friday night.
Speaker 5 (19:02):
His friends take him out, get him way laid, parlayd rolllaid,
mislaid up.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Down up bing bag boom, forget his peckers. A mangled
mess you know what to do. He takes two.
Speaker 5 (19:09):
Popsicle sticks, puts them there wrapped to the adhesive team.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Next day he gets married.
Speaker 6 (19:13):
Here there are on the honeymoon.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Sweet.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
She walks out, stark naked.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Shees, look honey untouched by human hands. You gotta think
Quickie pulls out his pants, says, look not even either.
Speaker 6 (19:21):
Crate.
Speaker 5 (19:28):
So guys going to the best horhouse in the entire
world at four forty eight West forty eighth Street, Manhattan,
has a few beers by accent. Goes to eight eighty
four West eighty fourth streets of a dietress offs.
Speaker 6 (19:37):
He walks in.
Speaker 5 (19:38):
The nurse sayes go behind the curtain and stick it
out through the hall.
Speaker 6 (19:41):
So he doesn't.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
She goes. She says that's not a foot.
Speaker 5 (19:44):
He says, I didn't know there was a minimum.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
So college professor goes to bed with his wife. He's
not tired.
Speaker 5 (19:54):
She gona stay awake and read while she goes to sleep,
So she's reading.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
Every once in a while. He reaches over and tickles
are on the fun spot greet the She says, here,
stop that.
Speaker 6 (20:05):
You stop meeting over here and teasing me like that.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
He says, I'm not teasing you.
Speaker 7 (20:09):
I'm wetting my fingers so I could turn the page.
Speaker 5 (20:16):
I think that's tough on you. I tried that stump
with my old lady. Next day, she sign me up
for evelyn Wood speed Reading. Lady gets on the bus.
Speaker 6 (20:24):
She goes like this.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Fust driver goes like this.
Speaker 6 (20:26):
She goes like this. He goes like this. She goes
like this. He goes like this, She goes like this.
Try the front. Says booze that.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
I was trying to other lady has a little trouble hearing,
so we communicate visually. She said you're going downtown.
Speaker 6 (20:39):
I said uptown.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
She said you're gonna stop, I says express.
Speaker 6 (20:42):
She said you're gonna buy your dairy.
Speaker 5 (20:43):
Barma said the ballparx shut him on the wrong bus.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
So guy's gotta pick fat wife. She gets out of
the shower, sits on the pot and gets stuck.
Speaker 6 (20:55):
She calls the plumber. Then he realized that she's sitting
in the naked.
Speaker 5 (20:57):
He can't have this, so he gets this bowler, derby
and what's on a lap to cover up home base.
The plumber shows up, walks and takes one luck. He says,
well mac He says, I think I could save your wife.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Put the guy in the hats of garner.
Speaker 3 (21:13):
The lady's playing golf.
Speaker 6 (21:13):
She gets hitting.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
He asked really hard with a golf ball. She goes
to doctor.
Speaker 6 (21:16):
He says, where were you hit?
Speaker 5 (21:17):
She says between the first then the second hole.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
He says, that doesn't leave a lot of room for
the band aid.
Speaker 14 (21:25):
Two guys on the elevator elevator O Rais is going down.
Speaker 6 (21:28):
Just converse thing.
Speaker 5 (21:31):
How about The girl goes to the guy to college
see examiner.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
He says, you have a cute vaginidas. She says, thank you.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
The guy goes in a day puts in his fingers.
Speaker 6 (21:38):
She says, put it in another finger. He says, what
do you want to do?
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Whistle?
Speaker 5 (21:45):
What do you call lesbian that drives a delivery truck
full of dildos?
Speaker 6 (21:48):
Dick van Dyk, I.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
Wasn't always hip the cocaine.
Speaker 5 (21:53):
The first time a guy told me you just did
a tute, I held my breath and left the room.
Does that Eaven laugh at that one because of the
way we're all raised to think that girls don't do those.
So we're in mixed company, so we can't giggle at that, right,
But girls do blooters, you.
Speaker 6 (22:05):
Know they do.
Speaker 5 (22:07):
The grayst es guy picks up a girl for a dating.
On the way out of the car, she realized she
has to crack her hat, has to toss the boom right.
So on the way after the car, she figures she'll
get in and while he's walking around she can tug
a rug everything.
Speaker 6 (22:16):
He'll be fine. So go out to the car.
Speaker 5 (22:18):
He opens the door, she gets in, he's walking around.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
She lifts a leg and blows.
Speaker 6 (22:21):
A hole in her parachute.
Speaker 10 (22:22):
Wo.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
He gets in.
Speaker 5 (22:24):
He says, by the way, dar'd like to meet to
couple with doubling with So the polost couples walk along
as a black couple.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
With the baby.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
The pose guy turns his wife. He says, you know,
we have six children.
Speaker 14 (22:35):
Of wrong and we've never been able to have a
black child.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
She says, you know, I couldn't help, but notice why don't.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
She has some advice.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
He says, that's a good idea.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
Goes over to the black couple, says, your kid's so cute.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
He says, we have six children of wrong and we've never.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
Been able to have a black child.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
The black guy's like says him, maybe you give us
some advice.
Speaker 5 (22:58):
Black guy said, well, is it about that long?
Speaker 2 (23:01):
The police guy says, oh no, maybe yo hay like this.
Speaker 13 (23:05):
Well it's about that big around?
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Is that the problem? You're letting him too much?
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Like you don't mind if I sit down to you.
Speaker 5 (23:20):
So this girl told me this shoke down down in.
A couple gets married and they're going to Dallas for
the honeymoon. She says, come on, let's get it on.
Speaker 15 (23:28):
He is, huh, not until we get to Dallas.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
She says, come on, we're married.
Speaker 6 (23:33):
I won't get it on now.
Speaker 8 (23:34):
He's not until we get to Dallas.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
She says, I'll compromise with you.
Speaker 6 (23:39):
We'll do it on the plane.
Speaker 16 (23:41):
He's on the plane.
Speaker 5 (23:42):
She says, yeah, you just take it out and I'll
lift up my dress.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
And have you done that? She's looking at me like,
if you get lost, I'll tell you what's next.
Speaker 5 (23:55):
She says, you just take it out and I'll lift
up my dress and I'll sit on it and nobody
will know.
Speaker 6 (23:59):
He says, what about when we get going?
Speaker 2 (24:01):
She says, you leave everything to me.
Speaker 5 (24:03):
So you got a plane and he takes it out
and she lifts up her dress and she sits on it.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
So many ladies feelis huh? Am I laughing? And so
do I. She sits on it.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
She says to the girl in front of him, She says.
Speaker 6 (24:30):
Are you going to Dallas?
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (24:37):
Are you going to Dallas?
Speaker 14 (24:39):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (24:43):
Are you going to Dallas?
Speaker 6 (24:45):
Oh? Everybody's going on up.
Speaker 5 (24:54):
The lady goes for her first confleence and the process.
You gotta hold the club like you hold your husband's organ.
She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, beautiful,
perfect shot, right.
Speaker 6 (25:01):
Down the fairway.
Speaker 5 (25:01):
Now I'll take the club out of your mouth, put
it in your hands.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
We'll go for distance.
Speaker 5 (25:07):
I happen to like oral sex myself. I'm not crazy
about the view. That's why puber cares.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Curlies don't. We'll poke in the eye right bubbles in
the living room.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
He says, you're dry tonight. She says, you're licking the rug.
Speaker 6 (25:29):
You were great.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
I'm Jackie Marley.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Good Night's that good?
Speaker 8 (25:46):
We need gissing the word this next guy need our
own tough and dirty guy and the dice clean.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Little miss Muffett sat on a toughet eating her curds,
and whey long came a Spidery sat down beside him said, Hey,
what's in the bowl?
Speaker 6 (26:32):
Bitch?
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Roses are red violets of blue. I'm a schizophrenic.
Speaker 6 (26:40):
So many.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Jack and Joe went up the hill, both with a
buck in a quarter. Joe came down with two point fifty.
They didn't go for no water. Wasn't an old lady
lived in a shoe. She had so many kids. She
didn't know what to do, so she started giving head.
Worked out, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack jumped
(27:09):
over a candlestick. How impressive. But you see, Jack wasn't
so nimble, and Jack's just not that quick. So now
poor jackson the hospital with a burnt fucking dick.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old
dog a bone. She bent over, Rover took over, right,
she got a bone of her own. I don't know.
I mean little bo peep lost the sheep, big fucking deal.
I lost my wallet. Nobody's talking about me. Screw that
sleazy Haulready, let me know when she loses a virginity.
(27:46):
That's a story. But what I want to know is
who's this guy? Doctor Seuss? Whoever gave this guy a
license to practice medicine? He's got one fish, two fish,
a redfish or bluefish. He's got ten out up on
top of each, green eggs and ham and keeps his
cat in his hat.
Speaker 6 (28:03):
Now.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
I don't know about you people, but uh, this guy
ain't shoving out thermometer up my ass. I don't need
that kind of pressure from nobody.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
It's enough.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
I live up here in Hollywood, right, Yeah, a great place.
Speaker 6 (28:17):
You know.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
They got a lot of gay people up here. You
know what I saying. They're all over the place. It's
like a fungus, you know what I'm saying. They're all
I'm not kidding. It's like you got herpes, aids and
phag itis, you know what I'm saying. They come from
fag Detroit. They're not from this planet. Right. They march
up and down Santa Monica Boulevard with T shirts on.
I want money for raids, Well, I want money for
(28:37):
a new fucking car. I ain't going up and down
the street, right, Get a job, butt fucker. Okay, find
something else you'll like. I mean, personally, I couldn't see
having some guy rip my wrectum to shreds and turn
around and say I love you. Why don't you just
(28:58):
put a bullet in my head while you're they ain't
gonna be able to shit for three months as it is.
They don't know if they want to be called gay's, homosexuals, fairies.
I call them cocksuckers. I think it spells it out.
What's the pick de bait about? They got this Richard Simmons,
(29:20):
the nineteen eighty three Vasiline post The Boy. You see
this guy yet? It's the fuck up his ass already?
And then I read recently this really excited me. David
Bowie comes out with a statement saying he's not gay anymore.
He gave it up. What do you doing going to
the shick center for three weeks?
Speaker 10 (29:41):
Right?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
I mean, I know this guy sees a boy scout troop,
he buckles to his knees. You know what I'm saying.
I quit cigarettes to Okay Powell, you need a dick
in You'm out? That's your problem. I don't know, but
it's not really the faggots that kissed me off. I
even respect them a little because they've made a decision
with their lives, not like these bisexuals. One of these
(30:07):
guys wake up in the morning, flip a coin, right, heads,
I want half pie tails. I'll take balls across the nose. Right,
This ain't a menu, you know what I'm saying, And
you know it really cracks me up. You know what?
Really the punchline when they finally do get this AIDS disease,
they can't figure out where it comes from. They have
(30:29):
no idea. If you're walking around with shit on your
dick every day, you're bound to pick something up. You
know what I'm saying. This ain't a twenty four hour
virus here. You know what I mean. You ain't fucking normal.
What do you mean you can't figure it out? You
know you need the Hershey Highway. That's your problem, especially
when they can't come up with a cure the next day.
(30:50):
You know what I'm saying. I think maybe this is
God's way of saying a fellas, this ain't right. This
ain't the combination I picked out. What are you fucking blind?
I guess if I had to bang somebody in the ass,
I'd go with Reagan.
Speaker 9 (31:13):
Rank.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
I'm gonna have another cigarette. I love to smoke. I
started smoking at the Shick Center. I didn't work for
me either. How you doing. You seem like a nice girl,
you know how you're a pig.
Speaker 17 (31:36):
Given the girl.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Come No, I'm a fucking pig. I'll do it anyway
you want. Noah, you're cute. Really, you're a cute girl.
What's your name? Any idea up, dud? No, what's your name?
Leland Washington? Okay, beautiful, that's a beautiful name.
Speaker 6 (31:56):
You a cute girl.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Nice face?
Speaker 6 (31:59):
Let proceeed.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
No, she is a nice girl. Yeah, she's all right.
Speaker 5 (32:06):
You're with her?
Speaker 2 (32:08):
No, you just met him. No, you're cute.
Speaker 16 (32:16):
Anyway.
Speaker 10 (32:18):
No.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I love chicks, you know, especially tits. I'm big on tits,
big tits, little tits, tits that skip and hop, A
happy tit, a sad tit, A tit used as a
moth by Edgar Allan Poe. See you see the magic
of a tick? That's magic and kits. You guys don't notice.
(32:41):
You see the magic of a tit is when you
touch them and they shake you pop a boneum grade,
Remember when they first came out with the heart on you?
Remember that, like in the third fourth grade. O of
a sudden, you lean over like the hunchback of Notre Dame,
and the teacher goes, come on up to the board
and you're sitting.
Speaker 6 (32:59):
There like.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Now, I don't think so, honey, now not today. Okay,
you're the teacher, you figure it out, right. I got
some kind of ligament over here. I don't know what's
going on, things like alien it's banging into the desk
next to me. I don't know what's happening. But then
you grow up. You learn to accept the heart on,
to deal with it, to control it, to master it.
Especially that morning heart on. I'll put that up against
(33:26):
that getting sue knife any day. Yeah, it'll slice, it'll dice,
it'll pump your car up if you got a flat tire, roll,
So the go ahead, honey, hang your laundry right, I'm
shaving over here. I don't know. You see, when you
first meet a girl, they're always on diets. I don't
get the way six ounces they're on a diet. Then
(33:47):
you ask them out, where do they want to go? Eat? Right?
Once you got them in the restaurant, they change themselves
to the fucking tables. You can't get them out of it.
I like bolts, right, they're shoving bread sticks in that
pocket on the way out, So you take them out.
I spend thirty five forty bucks plus tie away everything
counts right, you know what I'm talking. You spend all
(34:09):
this cash and what do you get at the end
of the night a kiss on the cheek? Fellas, Let's
face it, we could get that from our wives, right,
I mean a kiss on the cheek was qute five
ten years ago, you go on a first date, get
a kiss on the cheek. I don't know, maybe a
little grinding action. It kepture coming back. But you see
today women liberated. It's a whole new ball game. It's
(34:31):
like on a first date they say things like, well,
I don't think we should have intercourse, but I'll blow you.
I had to make the rules. They just abide by them. Really,
you know. But don't think I'm I'm putting women down.
I love women. I do. They're cute. They got a
lot of cute quirks, Like why is it that every
time a girl goes to the bedroom they take along
(34:52):
the pocketbook where they're shit in a bag? They take
along a pocketbook and an extra girlfriend. What's the extra
girl friend there? For enthusiasm?
Speaker 6 (35:03):
Goad on it?
Speaker 2 (35:03):
You can do a bad Yeah, unloaded truck ahead, peel
like a razer son. Yeah, back it up. The little
I gotta get a polo out of this. This is
a beautiful and I thought missus Cleaver had to be
but was I mistaken her? And then with that roorgasms,
forget it. They don't want one, They want fifteenth twenty
at a clip.
Speaker 10 (35:23):
Right.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
A guy has one, he sleeps till Christmas. Right, chick
has one, she's bringing in the troops.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
It on.
Speaker 6 (35:29):
Then with them, I mean, let's face.
Speaker 2 (35:31):
It, right, a guy, you crank them up in five minutes.
Speaker 6 (35:34):
It's ober right.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
But with a chick, when you go down there, you
need Scooba gear. You ain't going down for five minutes.
You need a machete just to get through the shrubbery,
you know what I'm saying. Then you gotta go like
on a fort day man hunt. Right, you gotta find
some g spotfyd doing number three. Right, there's some guy
(35:56):
in a boat going here. You're up. You gotta track him.
Speaker 6 (35:58):
His ass down. Ain't and have to eight hours.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
Of working like a dog just to get out one
little They want to turn around and say, t talk
to me, Talk to you. I need fucking oxygen, honey, Okay,
you want to talk for your mom? Get me to
a hospital. I lost an almond there for God's sake.
With the positions, you gotta fold them, stretch them, bend them.
(36:21):
You gotta be fucking gumby to make love today. You
gotta hang them from a chandelier with a pickle in
them out to get them off right. With all the
protection they got shoved in there today, they got all
ill use coils cash. I feel like I'm fucking a
Chevy half the time. I just don't need that kind
(36:42):
of pressure. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 9 (36:44):
I don't know.
Speaker 6 (36:49):
You caught that joke?
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Good now? I stick to the one night stand. Anybody
here to have a one night stand? You're all full
of shit.
Speaker 9 (37:00):
I think it's beautiful, the one night stand.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
Here's my impression of a one night stand. Ugh, get out?
Speaker 16 (37:15):
Hello?
Speaker 2 (37:17):
So what else could anybody see? Et the extra testicle?
And anybody see that movie? What kind of movie is
this to show human beings? You know, I don't know what.
Nine year old kid walks out into the middle of
the woods and starts playing handball with this half mongolood,
half termite like it's a long lost cousin. This kid
don't blink an eye. He's making blood brothers ringing along
(37:37):
for be and meet the family, stay over for the weekend.
Me I'd be standing out there with a fucking bazooka.
You know what I mean, Hey, you gotta make a
phone call. Get the fuck out of the neighborhood. Yeah,
put et in my neighborhood for five minutes, right my neighborhood.
You walk into the grocery store, you pick up the lid,
you go, Paul Kay goes. Fuck you. I gotta say
(37:58):
bottle one more time, somebody getting hurt. And then I
go home. I turn on HBO, and I see this elephant. Man,
what is this self pity bullshit?
Speaker 6 (38:07):
For three and a half.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Hours, I'm sitting here watching this freak of fucking nature
walk around.
Speaker 3 (38:12):
Going I'm not an animal, and I'm.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Saying, no, well you ain't. No fucking Burt Reynolds vow, Okay,
not an animal. The guy's got a face like a snatch.
Speaker 6 (38:24):
What do you mean he's not an animal?
Speaker 2 (38:27):
I could pick him out of a lineup. You know
what I'm saying. We don't see too many people like
this walking around, and maybe in seven eleven you gotta
call them.
Speaker 8 (38:37):
Whatever that's what happened there.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
You've been a great audience guy and.
Speaker 6 (38:50):
He dies clean.
Speaker 9 (38:51):
Very funny guy.
Speaker 8 (38:52):
Some of the fires commedian in the world of women.
Remember Lewanda Pages right his next younger one. And you
might have seen on the TV when GMC the first
annual Mister Tush Contest on real people. Her name is
Lotus Weinstock.
Speaker 17 (39:08):
That's it up, quick question and how many people here
read the Inquire say?
Speaker 14 (39:18):
I less than the Bible.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
I think we're on the right track.
Speaker 14 (39:24):
It's amazing to me.
Speaker 10 (39:25):
It's the biggest selling paper in the universe and no
one ever admits they read it. I actually have an
Inquiry class every Thursday. I'm kidding, that's my business. I
do read the Enquire at the check stands because I've
never paid for it, but they actually have some very
enlightening articles in there.
Speaker 18 (39:38):
I've been reading.
Speaker 10 (39:40):
Some articles in the behavioral science area. I caught one
not so long ago written by three men who had PhDs. Collectively,
they had nine hundred and thirty three years of schooling,
and they were willing to give it to me in
a page.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
I'd like to give it to you in a few minutes.
Speaker 14 (39:58):
Ready for this.
Speaker 10 (39:59):
O use body signals. A man can't resist when it
comes to attracting that special man, there's an easy way
to do it.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
Who knew?
Speaker 16 (40:08):
You?
Speaker 10 (40:09):
Simply use ten body language signals to communicate your interest
in him and make him yours, say the experts. The
ten tips are a number one, while conversing, turn and
open palm towards him. This signals you're open to his advances.
(40:40):
Number two, lick your lips while keeping an open palm.
Licking the lips is a definite flirtatious gesture, notes body
language expert Julia's fast Number three, play with your hair.
(41:04):
Touch your hair, or twist a lock between your fingers,
suggests doctor Adam Kinden, Visiting Professor of Anthropology at Connecticut College.
Now keep an open palm while you're playing with your hair.
Speaker 6 (41:15):
Okay, These things.
Speaker 10 (41:16):
Are most effective if they're all gone together. No, we're
playing with the hair, licking the lips, and always.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Keeping that open palm.
Speaker 18 (41:24):
Okay.
Speaker 10 (41:31):
Now we're get into some very insightful stuff. Show off
your curves, Twist your body in such a way that
the breasts are made slightly more prominent.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
Give me an in cheer.
Speaker 10 (41:40):
Okay, and there's a kind of wiggle in the hips.
You ready for number six?
Speaker 6 (41:53):
This is really an insight.
Speaker 18 (41:55):
Touch his thigh.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
Oh god, I never would have thought of it.
Speaker 10 (42:01):
When a woman touches a man's thigh, even if she's
just met him at a party, it is signaling I
am very interested in you.
Speaker 6 (42:09):
No shit, sherlock.
Speaker 10 (42:14):
Now keep it open palm while you're touching his thigh.
This next one is my personal favorite. Give him that
special look. This is done by closing your eyelids and
(42:34):
then when you open them again, your eyes are looking elsewhere. Okay,
Now caress your own body, give him a hinsher in
(42:57):
a Santus mood by drawing attention to your own body.
If while talking to a man, a woman moves her
(43:17):
hand down her thigh or touches the top of her breast,
it can be a way of saying this might lead
to something.
Speaker 6 (43:26):
I'm trying to keep it open palm while.
Speaker 14 (43:28):
You're touching your breast.
Speaker 10 (43:30):
Let's run it all down, drawing attention to her our
own body, giving him that special look.
Speaker 14 (43:36):
We're touching his guy.
Speaker 6 (43:37):
We're playing with that.
Speaker 10 (43:37):
Hair, we're looking at those lits, and we are always
keeping that open palm uping out, hit it all going
at once. If he still hasn't noticed you come in
(43:59):
for the kill, touch an inanimate object as you.
Speaker 18 (44:04):
Talk to him.
Speaker 14 (44:06):
I know you an't believe this, but I'm really interested
(44:28):
in you.
Speaker 8 (44:43):
We have a singing group now in the living room,
but they're not exactly a Sunday school choir.
Speaker 6 (44:48):
They called bird in McDonald give a li.
Speaker 15 (45:00):
There wasn no farmer who lived by a rock.
Speaker 19 (45:04):
He sat in the meadow, was shaking his fist at
some boys who were down by the creek, their feet
in the water, their hands on their marbles and play things.
Speaker 15 (45:15):
And in the days of York, there came.
Speaker 19 (45:17):
A young lady. She looked like a pretty young creature.
She sat on the grass. She pulled up her dresses
and showed us her rumbles.
Speaker 16 (45:27):
And laces and wife not feet.
Speaker 19 (45:29):
And he said she was learning a new way to
bring up her children and.
Speaker 6 (45:34):
Learn them to knit.
Speaker 19 (45:36):
While the boys in the barnyard were shove like a
revenue sent later from yesterday's hunt, while the girl in
the meadow was rubbing her eyes at the fellows. This
girl sometimes to make it quite clear that she wanted
to go for a nice, pleasant stroll on the grass
and hurry back home for a nice piece of ice
(45:58):
cream and came past the three layers off, and after
the sert she was ready to go for another walk
down by the.
Speaker 6 (46:07):
Duck with any young man with the size of a
roll of one hundreds.
Speaker 15 (46:12):
And a nig bow jump front and beat spot.
Speaker 19 (46:15):
Later she'd show him her little pet dog who was
subject to fits. Then maybe she let him grab hold
of her small tender hands with a movement so quick.
Speaker 20 (46:27):
And she been on over and suck on his.
Speaker 19 (46:30):
Soda so sweetly till she been He's getting been bowed
down her panties to rub on her him that she
was when she ran down the hall because he tried
to force her to lick on.
Speaker 20 (46:42):
His candy so tasty made of butterscotch, and then he
spread with cream all over her cookies that she had
been making all night. Edything, This sistertyre fucking well right,
(47:12):
thank you.
Speaker 6 (47:12):
Very much, folks.
Speaker 8 (47:14):
The next fellow beat out a lot of stiff competition
to win the first International Stand Up Comics Award.
Speaker 6 (47:22):
Let's welcome in, folks, Denny Johnston.
Speaker 7 (47:40):
Oh, my name's Joe Bob Davis. I'm President of the
Carpenters Union of Bakersville, California, and now I have several
safety tipts for you. I'm cutting tw by fours with
a goddamn kill saw. Make sure that you all wear
a pair of these hair of safety guard, even though
(48:02):
they do make you look like a real fucking asshole.
Then safety tip number two, don't ever, ever ever do this.
(48:24):
It's my impression of John Wayne if he ever became
a stand up comic. Well ban on Snatchell's comebacks. I
(48:46):
just rode my horse in from Las Vegas and boys
ball swollen.
Speaker 16 (48:54):
Boy.
Speaker 6 (48:54):
There's a little joke for you.
Speaker 7 (49:00):
What's the difference between a moose and Lawrence Wilt's orchestra.
On a moose, the horns are up front and the
assholes in back?
Speaker 3 (49:14):
Thank you.
Speaker 7 (49:17):
Well, here's another little joke for you. What do you
call a Mexican with a vast ectomy dry Martinez?
Speaker 10 (49:30):
Uh?
Speaker 7 (49:33):
Well, here's another little joke for you. How come they
haven't found out a cure for ageia can't get those
little white laboratory mice to butt fuck each other?
Speaker 6 (49:52):
Hear about the.
Speaker 7 (49:53):
Blind skunk that tried to rape a fart. A black couple,
mister and Missus Jackson, are sitting in the breakfast room
table with their ten month old kid. All of a sudden,
the little kid looks up and missus Jackson and says mother.
Mister Jackson looks over and says, here that honey just
(50:16):
said half a word. Guy goes into a doctor's office
and says, I don't know what's wrong with me, Doc,
but every time I eat something, it comes out looking
the same. I ate a hamburger, it comes out looking
like a hamburger. I ate his slice of pizza, it
comes out looking like a slice of pizza. Pepperonis are
(50:38):
even in the same spot. What the hell am I
gonna do?
Speaker 2 (50:43):
Doc?
Speaker 7 (50:44):
Doc says each.
Speaker 2 (50:51):
Or the old show for you?
Speaker 7 (50:54):
What do you call a girl that can suck up
a golf ball through a drinking straw? Darling, you're about
the prostitute that went on a fishing trip with seven
guys and came home with a big red snapper.
Speaker 15 (51:15):
Oh fuck you, I don't write this shit.
Speaker 7 (51:23):
Remember the girl that got eaten by the shark and
John how they find out she had dandrus found her
head and shoulders on the beach. You don't like my chokes,
come up here and tell me personally, and I'll rip
off your head and shit in your neck.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
Don't make no difference.
Speaker 20 (51:45):
Come me.
Speaker 7 (51:49):
Three old guys are sitting in a rest home. One
guy seventy ones eighty and the third ones ninety. Well,
they're sitting around talking one day, and the seventy year
old says, boy, I wish I could take a healthy
piss again. Eighty year old says, I got no problem
doing that. I just wish I could take a healthy
(52:10):
shit again. Well, a ninety year old what's over says
every morning at seven o'clock, I take a healthy piss.
About nine to twenty on the button, I take a
healthy shit. I just wish I could wake up before noon.
Speaker 15 (52:28):
I do anybody here?
Speaker 7 (52:33):
I don't even know who Jack Nicholson is. I think
if Jack Nicholson couldn't get a great job as an
actor in a film, and the only job they offered
him was to host a television kiddie show, this is
how I think Jack would handle the job. All Right,
(53:10):
you little turret droppers, Now, before we start to tape
the McMurphy to the clown Show, Uncle Jack wants to
talk to you kids about a few things that are
starting to piss them off. Last week, we had what
(53:36):
we call Sherpury and little Susie Thomason said that she
wanted to come up and show us all our little
pussy uncle Jack that she's talking about a god damn cat.
So I remember, kids, that this stuff continues to happen.
(54:00):
Uncle Jack's gonna have to put his hands around your
little necks.
Speaker 9 (54:05):
Squeeze real hard.
Speaker 7 (54:08):
Till your fucking eyes pop out.
Speaker 15 (54:12):
That's well, I got to be getting off now.
Speaker 6 (54:30):
My mom gave me that joke.
Speaker 9 (54:35):
Let me you know who Jimmy Stewart is.
Speaker 7 (54:39):
This is my impression of James Stewart if you ever
decided to do the Beatles song Blackbird, piece of Ship,
(55:06):
God damn fucking piece of ship. I've got a good
mind like this guitar backed and the man I bought it
from him, ramming up his fucking half.
Speaker 6 (55:24):
The son first.
Speaker 7 (55:28):
Let's unless he's got hemorrhoids and that'll be more fun.
Speaker 13 (55:38):
Thank you, you are great? How about that?
Speaker 2 (55:51):
How I.
Speaker 13 (55:55):
Thank you very much?
Speaker 6 (55:56):
And you're coming to Doc.
Speaker 8 (55:57):
Glove, Well, that's as eide line up for this evening,
and I hope you're going to offend it here by
the show.
Speaker 2 (56:04):
Uh, if you were invented and and you stayed until
the end.
Speaker 8 (56:07):
And you were a dummy, So John Kevin, I'll come again,
see you next time.
Speaker 6 (56:13):
Good Night, folks, good bad light, all right day kill.
Speaker 13 (56:16):
Me, good night till nobody got no good by, I've
got my brother play dummy.
Speaker 3 (56:24):
Yeah put head, I got your liver.
Speaker 9 (56:27):
Oh go go.
Speaker 16 (56:30):
Go m tete extend
Speaker 2 (58:18):
U
Life from the Red Fox Comedy Club in Los Angeles.
This is thirty Dirty Jokes with your host for the evening,
the undistood It King of Kidgy Comedy, the godfather of
dirty dirty jokes, mister Red Fox, and starring the Hulam
of you Were, mister Andrew Dice Clay.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
What do you mean bisexual? Either?
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Sup?
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Dicker? You don't?
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Featuring the Sultan mister Bob Shimmle.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
Guys really love him though you never met a guy
where a girl goes, hey, I want to blow job.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Nah, I'm the thirty one Laer wonder Man, Mister Jackie Martley.
Speaker 5 (00:54):
It's hard to tell stories about animals because you get
confused because if a sheep is a ram and mules
and ass, how come a ramonis is a goose?
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Right and rolls Royce of Ranch, Ronaldo Rey, I near
a little six D eight.
Speaker 6 (01:07):
You do me and I owe you are with.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
The lovely miss Lotus Winstock, who talks to you ladies
about the subtle art of attracting that special men and.
Speaker 6 (01:17):
A rare guest here.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
It's by John Wayne, also known as mister Danny Johnstone.
Speaker 7 (01:23):
Bono Snatcho's comebacks.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
For this special show Red, Fox looked high and low
for the most offensive and outrageously funny comics anywhere.
Speaker 8 (01:34):
Let's look at this rising star Sultan of Slut Bob SHIMMEO.
Speaker 9 (01:57):
Well, this is a great evening. I was kind of
the p yes today.
Speaker 4 (02:00):
I read in the newspaper this morning that people could
actually make money donating sperm to sperm banks. And that
really bothered me because last year alone, I left five
six hundred dollars slipped through my fingers.
Speaker 9 (02:14):
Having problems with my wife.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
She showed me an article on the Cosmo magazine about
the g spot. If you heard about this, They found
a new spot on the woman's body that's supposed to
produce the most unbelievable orgasm, supposed to last like thirty minutes.
What does the guy do for thirty minutes? What do
you go to seven to eleven, get a six pack
some cigarettes, you come back. She's not done yet. So
(02:40):
he went to a marriage councilor he said, what you
gotta do is take your wife to one of these
adult toy stores and get some marital aids and go
home and experiment with them and broaden your sex life.
My wife found a vibrator that takes like twenty D
cell batteries. You could jumpstart your fucking car with us thing.
(03:00):
Why do people say excuse me after they fart. Wouldn't
it be better if they said look out before they
did it? And then they say stuff like what did.
Speaker 9 (03:12):
You eat today? What is that gonna make a difference? Now?
Speaker 4 (03:17):
You ate a taco bell? You want to help me
put the wallpaper back up. Remember a few years ago,
if you went to the doctor and he told you
had the clap, you went, oh God, I can't believe it.
Now when they tell you that, you go. They said
(03:42):
they might have a cure for herpes, but they have
to test it out on rats first. How did they
give a rat herpes? What did they tell some girls
the clinic? Look, do you already got the herpes? Fuck
the rat? Come on, might be your cure on it
for man. Actually, animal sex is not funny. I had
a friend on the Fuck the Dog and it was
the most disgusting thing I ever watched. He's reading Penthouse
(04:09):
magazine today. I have weird ads in Penthouse for all
the sex age you could send away for Like mister
big cream, you rub it on your dick and your
dick gets bigger, wouldn't your hands get bigger too?
Speaker 9 (04:23):
What else? Did I so? Vibrating butt plugs? Who invented this?
Who took it to the patent office?
Speaker 4 (04:37):
Do you know, ladies and gentlemen? The funny thing about blowjobs?
Guys love blowjobs. The only thing they don't like about
him is when you're all done and the girl cuddles
up to you and goes, come here, sweetheart. Don't you
want a little wine or something first? How about a cigarettes?
Speaker 9 (05:03):
You don't smoke? Start smoking?
Speaker 4 (05:06):
And the sick thing is you know you're gonna have
to do it because if you don't, you know, she'll
think that's real nice. He wants me to suck his dick,
but he won't kiss me. How can I get even
with him? And you find out because when you gets her,
you find out she hasn't.
Speaker 9 (05:18):
Swallowed it yet.
Speaker 4 (05:27):
I wanted to try anal sex with my wife. I said,
why don't you lay in your stomach and let me
go in the other way? And she pulled out a
dildo and said, let me do you first. I didn't
like it. I have a hard enough time with a
rectal thermometer. Who invented that? Mommy, I don't feel good.
(05:49):
Let me stick this glass rod up your ass? Now,
how do you feel worse? Let me take it out?
Now do you feel better? See it works? When do
people decide they're going to be gay? What are you
walking down the street one day and say, you know,
I think i'd like a dick up my ass? That's
i'd a good idea. A sizzler, You have a steak,
(06:12):
a baked potato, a glass of wine, a cigarette.
Speaker 9 (06:14):
You don't really top this evening off, I think a
dick up the ass. It's not on the menu. Where
do I find that? Do you ever take a shit
and look at it and it looks like someone you know?
Do you tell him?
Speaker 4 (06:33):
You ever wonder what determines whether it's going to be
two three pieces of that one long one that comes
up the side of the toilet. It always happens at
somebody else's house and they don't have a brush. Remember
when you were a little kid, how big your dad's
(06:54):
dick used to look.
Speaker 9 (06:56):
I think either you're hung or you're hung up about it,
one or the other.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
That's true.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
A guy can show a picture of a naked girl
his girlfriend, like in a Playboy magazine and say you
don't even think she's pretty, and the girl say, yeah,
she's got a nice face or pretty hair or something.
But if a girl shows a picture of a naked
guy to her boyfriend and the guy's got a really
big dick, like four or five inches, they never have
anything positive to say about it. I was at somebody's
(07:21):
house and showing a picture of John Holmes. This guy
looks like a ride at Magic Mountain, and.
Speaker 9 (07:27):
The husband goes, yeah, it's big, but it doesn't get
completely hard. Who gives a shit? What are they talking about?
Speaker 4 (07:33):
Although you read the letters and penhouse from to say,
you know, I've been with the guys with the big dicks,
And to tell you the truth, I'd rather have a warm, loving,
sensitive man with a five inch penis than a man
with a nine inch penis. Women write these They don't
write these letters. Men write them, and they sign women's
names to them, and bless.
Speaker 9 (07:49):
All that works. My wife wants to get a cat
for a pet. I like dogs.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
They're a lot more fun. You can play frisbee with them.
You go jogging with a dog, said, cats are better
than dogs because when a dog has to go to the.
Speaker 9 (07:58):
Bathroom, at three in the morning and has to wake
you up. You have to get up.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
You have to let the dog out, You have to
wait till he's done, you have to let him back in.
When a cat has to go, they don't bother anybody.
They just shit in a box. I don't like the
way that sounds. Shit in a box. Only something new
with McDonald's.
Speaker 9 (08:13):
She said that.
Speaker 4 (08:14):
Cats are so intelligent you could actually teach them to
go on the toilet. Yeah, and then when you have
to go, the cat's in there tomorrow so long you're
gonna be.
Speaker 9 (08:25):
You forget it?
Speaker 4 (08:26):
Where's the box? Then you use the box and your
friends come over and go, what do you got a
mountain lion for a pet?
Speaker 10 (08:32):
Here?
Speaker 4 (08:39):
Was talking to this guy today, was out this girl
last night. He said, Yeah, I fucked the shit out
of her. You know, I never want to see anything
like this. The sounds good to me. I fucked their
brains out. I think I know a few of these girls.
I like when you're with a girl and a guy goes, hey,
(08:59):
fuck ones for me, what do you say?
Speaker 6 (09:01):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (09:01):
And this is for a friend of mine.
Speaker 4 (09:06):
When I reached puberty, when I was like nineteen, my
mom said Bob, You're gonna be getting these funny feelings
pretty soon. And I just want you to know that
it's normal to want to play with yourself. And I said, Ma,
you're a sick fuck. Get out of here, will You
don't need your mother's permission to do this. And I
could never do it because I'm afraid of dying and
embarrassing death. With my luck, I'd be in bed with
(09:29):
like twelve or thirteen Penthouse magazines. Just at that magic moment,
a blood vessel would burst in my head and I'd
die with my dick in my own.
Speaker 9 (09:36):
Parents will come home with company. This is Robert's room.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
So tiny.
Speaker 9 (09:44):
I met this girl. We went out one night.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
She said, you want to have the most unbelievable orgasm
in your life, you let somebody stick a knotted rag
up your ass, and just when you're ready to come,
you have them pull it out. So I said, okay,
I'm willing to try anything once until I see her
taking the rag out of the trunk of her car.
So I said, I don't want the rad She said,
(10:08):
you know what else is just as good. You let
somebody stick a string of beads up your ass. I said, okay,
some at the hospital getting the beads removed, and the
doctor pulled a string and I came like a motherfucker.
Speaker 9 (10:20):
It was unbelievable.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
Well, you guys have been a great crowd. You got
a great show coming up for you. It's been a
real pleasure working here, especially beating the King Red Fox.
Speaker 9 (10:33):
He's definitely the Alchemist folk you very much.
Speaker 5 (10:42):
All right?
Speaker 6 (10:43):
That was Bob Schofel.
Speaker 8 (10:45):
Next is a real good friend of mine from way back.
He's a writer, a producer, and a comedian. He's done
a lot of work in the industry. He has three
albums and you might have one of them.
Speaker 6 (10:55):
He may be the best you've ever heard. Oh r
are we call him the Rose Roys.
Speaker 8 (11:00):
The coming in his lady's album is Ronaldo Rey Lives Brnaldo.
Speaker 11 (11:05):
Rey expected a Mexican dinger.
Speaker 12 (11:20):
This name has fucked me up all my life. I
know I'm wear, I look weird. When I was growing up,
I was weird and I knew it because people were
looking at me and say, he ware and see it's
rough growing up in the ghetto. You know, when you
are a high, yellow, redhead, freckle bayed black Indian country
(11:41):
boy with a Mexican name, and I look in the mirror.
I know we didn't come from Africa looking like this.
Somebody fucked around has either been a coon in the barnyard,
a taco in the hamhock.
Speaker 6 (12:00):
I saw a cracker in the cooking job. But that's
all right.
Speaker 12 (12:05):
I went to New York check out my family treat
and I hate New York.
Speaker 6 (12:10):
Any New Yorkers in here, fuck you.
Speaker 12 (12:19):
I wish can't come and eating that big raggedy motherfucker.
Speaker 6 (12:22):
I hate New York. I met my ex wife in
New York.
Speaker 12 (12:31):
I thought that a woman walked in looked just like
my ex wife tonight. Scared this shit out of me
because I ain't paid no alum on her. I don't
believe in almer. That's like paying for a car that
you can't drive. If I ever sent a woman some alimony, bitch,
(12:53):
better send me some pussy back.
Speaker 8 (12:54):
In the math.
Speaker 12 (13:03):
I was in the bart o there drunk come in,
walked up to the bartender.
Speaker 6 (13:08):
Is all disheveled for you? Drop out?
Speaker 12 (13:11):
I was fucked up. He reproached the bartender. He said, button,
give me a drank quick, man. Bart John said, what's
your problem? He said, man, I standing on corner, mining
my own self in the big truck, come back and
knock my thing off.
Speaker 6 (13:34):
Knock my thing right out of my hand. Thanks, laid
down in the gun. I got that.
Speaker 12 (13:41):
Bartender said, stupid. Ain't no truck knocked your thing off?
He said, swear to god, man, I picked it up
and put it in my pocket.
Speaker 6 (13:50):
Got it right here. I showed you my thing.
Speaker 12 (13:54):
Bartender said, stupid, that ain't your thing. That's an old cigar.
Wrong pocket, seaman.
Speaker 6 (14:09):
My thing trug to knock my shit out. Hey, but
a say.
Speaker 12 (14:14):
Stupid, that's another old cigar. Oh my god, I smoke
my dick. I'm a family man. I've made three times
(14:36):
to three zodiac freaks, a cancer, a scorpio, and a
side your crabby ass.
Speaker 6 (14:44):
I'm so sick of that zodiac.
Speaker 8 (14:46):
Shiit.
Speaker 6 (14:46):
What's your sign with dollar sign? Bitch? Give it up.
Speaker 12 (14:51):
Women are so much into this ship a signal. The
other night, I'm in the throes of passion, approaching orgasmic
bliss with one of them.
Speaker 6 (15:02):
Scorp your old freaks and.
Speaker 12 (15:05):
Right home, mama, And this girl said, Ronaldo, what's your sign?
Speaker 6 (15:13):
I said, Aquarius?
Speaker 11 (15:14):
Mama.
Speaker 6 (15:15):
She said, oh my god, we're.
Speaker 12 (15:17):
Not compatible, I said, leol'd toy alligator god Damn Regnar said,
I was married to three of them freaks, man. All
three of my wife treated me bad. All three of
(15:38):
them died very resteriously. First wife died from mushroom pardon.
Second wife died from mushroom pardon. Third wife died from
a fractured scarf. This pitch one need to mushroom.
Speaker 6 (15:58):
She had to go. Name my only son Herman Junior.
And my name ain't even Herman, mail Man. We named Herman.
I moved from Kansas City to Cleveland.
Speaker 12 (16:12):
To la Each place I got the same, damn mail man.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
I know ain't no route that bard.
Speaker 12 (16:24):
Seriously, I didn't eat no pussy. I thought white boys
ate pussy because they had little bit of joints.
Speaker 6 (16:31):
Now that's what we grew up thinking.
Speaker 12 (16:35):
Then we saw deep throat and all the dick on
that boy hold, I said he must have colored blood. See,
but now we know white boys ain't pussy. Cause of
good we catching up. Now I'm doing my share and
(17:02):
hope to make a giant step for the brothers. Tonight
I've become a freak. I went to Berkeley. Our textbook
was Anthology of a Freak written by Billy Jane King.
That's my girl. I think Billy Joe was a man
(17:22):
about this shit. When they put the finger on it,
she stood up and said, had to pussy. But the
bitch will not get this Malibu house. Ain't no pussy
that gup. Now just roll your ass on out of him. Well, gang,
(17:51):
our time is limited, and so they told me. I
got h in this wonderful shit. I want to say thanks,
j some nice and all of us. Uh, time is
limits that I gotta go, but I wanna say I
love your sweet dreams. Uh, good night, ladies, good luck dudes.
Speaker 6 (18:10):
If your luck is bad, fuck it.
Speaker 13 (18:20):
Give me a great big guy the all go way,
n all, come on on it, hey, get on go way.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Let me.
Speaker 6 (18:35):
Alright, thank you very much.
Speaker 8 (18:42):
Next, you like to introduce the inventor of the dollar
dirty joke liked him.
Speaker 6 (18:47):
Welcome here, you gentlemen, Jackie Martin Man. Give me a
very big round there, Jackie.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Under So guys getting married on Saturday Friday night.
Speaker 5 (19:02):
His friends take him out, get him way laid, parlayd rolllaid,
mislaid up.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Down up bing bag boom, forget his peckers. A mangled
mess you know what to do. He takes two.
Speaker 5 (19:09):
Popsicle sticks, puts them there wrapped to the adhesive team.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Next day he gets married.
Speaker 6 (19:13):
Here there are on the honeymoon.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Sweet.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
She walks out, stark naked.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Shees, look honey untouched by human hands. You gotta think
Quickie pulls out his pants, says, look not even either.
Speaker 6 (19:21):
Crate.
Speaker 5 (19:28):
So guys going to the best horhouse in the entire
world at four forty eight West forty eighth Street, Manhattan,
has a few beers by accent. Goes to eight eighty
four West eighty fourth streets of a dietress offs.
Speaker 6 (19:37):
He walks in.
Speaker 5 (19:38):
The nurse sayes go behind the curtain and stick it
out through the hall.
Speaker 6 (19:41):
So he doesn't.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
She goes. She says that's not a foot.
Speaker 5 (19:44):
He says, I didn't know there was a minimum.
Speaker 3 (19:51):
So college professor goes to bed with his wife. He's
not tired.
Speaker 5 (19:54):
She gona stay awake and read while she goes to sleep,
So she's reading.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
Every once in a while. He reaches over and tickles
are on the fun spot greet the She says, here,
stop that.
Speaker 6 (20:05):
You stop meeting over here and teasing me like that.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
He says, I'm not teasing you.
Speaker 7 (20:09):
I'm wetting my fingers so I could turn the page.
Speaker 5 (20:16):
I think that's tough on you. I tried that stump
with my old lady. Next day, she sign me up
for evelyn Wood speed Reading. Lady gets on the bus.
Speaker 6 (20:24):
She goes like this.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Fust driver goes like this.
Speaker 6 (20:26):
She goes like this. He goes like this. She goes
like this. He goes like this, She goes like this.
Try the front. Says booze that.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
I was trying to other lady has a little trouble hearing,
so we communicate visually. She said you're going downtown.
Speaker 6 (20:39):
I said uptown.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
She said you're gonna stop, I says express.
Speaker 6 (20:42):
She said you're gonna buy your dairy.
Speaker 5 (20:43):
Barma said the ballparx shut him on the wrong bus.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
So guy's gotta pick fat wife. She gets out of
the shower, sits on the pot and gets stuck.
Speaker 6 (20:55):
She calls the plumber. Then he realized that she's sitting
in the naked.
Speaker 5 (20:57):
He can't have this, so he gets this bowler, derby
and what's on a lap to cover up home base.
The plumber shows up, walks and takes one luck. He says,
well mac He says, I think I could save your wife.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Put the guy in the hats of garner.
Speaker 3 (21:13):
The lady's playing golf.
Speaker 6 (21:13):
She gets hitting.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
He asked really hard with a golf ball. She goes
to doctor.
Speaker 6 (21:16):
He says, where were you hit?
Speaker 5 (21:17):
She says between the first then the second hole.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
He says, that doesn't leave a lot of room for
the band aid.
Speaker 14 (21:25):
Two guys on the elevator elevator O Rais is going down.
Speaker 6 (21:28):
Just converse thing.
Speaker 5 (21:31):
How about The girl goes to the guy to college
see examiner.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
He says, you have a cute vaginidas. She says, thank you.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
The guy goes in a day puts in his fingers.
Speaker 6 (21:38):
She says, put it in another finger. He says, what
do you want to do?
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Whistle?
Speaker 5 (21:45):
What do you call lesbian that drives a delivery truck
full of dildos?
Speaker 6 (21:48):
Dick van Dyk, I.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
Wasn't always hip the cocaine.
Speaker 5 (21:53):
The first time a guy told me you just did
a tute, I held my breath and left the room.
Does that Eaven laugh at that one because of the
way we're all raised to think that girls don't do those.
So we're in mixed company, so we can't giggle at that, right,
But girls do blooters, you.
Speaker 6 (22:05):
Know they do.
Speaker 5 (22:07):
The grayst es guy picks up a girl for a dating.
On the way out of the car, she realized she
has to crack her hat, has to toss the boom right.
So on the way after the car, she figures she'll
get in and while he's walking around she can tug
a rug everything.
Speaker 6 (22:16):
He'll be fine. So go out to the car.
Speaker 5 (22:18):
He opens the door, she gets in, he's walking around.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
She lifts a leg and blows.
Speaker 6 (22:21):
A hole in her parachute.
Speaker 10 (22:22):
Wo.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
He gets in.
Speaker 5 (22:24):
He says, by the way, dar'd like to meet to
couple with doubling with So the polost couples walk along
as a black couple.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
With the baby.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
The pose guy turns his wife. He says, you know,
we have six children.
Speaker 14 (22:35):
Of wrong and we've never been able to have a
black child.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
She says, you know, I couldn't help, but notice why don't.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
She has some advice.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
He says, that's a good idea.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
Goes over to the black couple, says, your kid's so cute.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
He says, we have six children of wrong and we've never.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
Been able to have a black child.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
The black guy's like says him, maybe you give us
some advice.
Speaker 5 (22:58):
Black guy said, well, is it about that long?
Speaker 2 (23:01):
The police guy says, oh no, maybe yo hay like this.
Speaker 13 (23:05):
Well it's about that big around?
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Is that the problem? You're letting him too much?
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Like you don't mind if I sit down to you.
Speaker 5 (23:20):
So this girl told me this shoke down down in.
A couple gets married and they're going to Dallas for
the honeymoon. She says, come on, let's get it on.
Speaker 15 (23:28):
He is, huh, not until we get to Dallas.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
She says, come on, we're married.
Speaker 6 (23:33):
I won't get it on now.
Speaker 8 (23:34):
He's not until we get to Dallas.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
She says, I'll compromise with you.
Speaker 6 (23:39):
We'll do it on the plane.
Speaker 16 (23:41):
He's on the plane.
Speaker 5 (23:42):
She says, yeah, you just take it out and I'll
lift up my dress.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
And have you done that? She's looking at me like,
if you get lost, I'll tell you what's next.
Speaker 5 (23:55):
She says, you just take it out and I'll lift
up my dress and I'll sit on it and nobody
will know.
Speaker 6 (23:59):
He says, what about when we get going?
Speaker 2 (24:01):
She says, you leave everything to me.
Speaker 5 (24:03):
So you got a plane and he takes it out
and she lifts up her dress and she sits on it.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
So many ladies feelis huh? Am I laughing? And so
do I. She sits on it.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
She says to the girl in front of him, She says.
Speaker 6 (24:30):
Are you going to Dallas?
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (24:37):
Are you going to Dallas?
Speaker 14 (24:39):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (24:43):
Are you going to Dallas?
Speaker 6 (24:45):
Oh? Everybody's going on up.
Speaker 5 (24:54):
The lady goes for her first confleence and the process.
You gotta hold the club like you hold your husband's organ.
She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, beautiful,
perfect shot, right.
Speaker 6 (25:01):
Down the fairway.
Speaker 5 (25:01):
Now I'll take the club out of your mouth, put
it in your hands.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
We'll go for distance.
Speaker 5 (25:07):
I happen to like oral sex myself. I'm not crazy
about the view. That's why puber cares.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Curlies don't. We'll poke in the eye right bubbles in
the living room.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
He says, you're dry tonight. She says, you're licking the rug.
Speaker 6 (25:29):
You were great.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
I'm Jackie Marley.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Good Night's that good?
Speaker 8 (25:46):
We need gissing the word this next guy need our
own tough and dirty guy and the dice clean.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Little miss Muffett sat on a toughet eating her curds,
and whey long came a Spidery sat down beside him said, Hey,
what's in the bowl?
Speaker 6 (26:32):
Bitch?
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Roses are red violets of blue. I'm a schizophrenic.
Speaker 6 (26:40):
So many.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Jack and Joe went up the hill, both with a
buck in a quarter. Joe came down with two point fifty.
They didn't go for no water. Wasn't an old lady
lived in a shoe. She had so many kids. She
didn't know what to do, so she started giving head.
Worked out, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack jumped
(27:09):
over a candlestick. How impressive. But you see, Jack wasn't
so nimble, and Jack's just not that quick. So now
poor jackson the hospital with a burnt fucking dick.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old
dog a bone. She bent over, Rover took over, right,
she got a bone of her own. I don't know.
I mean little bo peep lost the sheep, big fucking deal.
I lost my wallet. Nobody's talking about me. Screw that
sleazy Haulready, let me know when she loses a virginity.
(27:46):
That's a story. But what I want to know is
who's this guy? Doctor Seuss? Whoever gave this guy a
license to practice medicine? He's got one fish, two fish,
a redfish or bluefish. He's got ten out up on
top of each, green eggs and ham and keeps his
cat in his hat.
Speaker 6 (28:03):
Now.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
I don't know about you people, but uh, this guy
ain't shoving out thermometer up my ass. I don't need
that kind of pressure from nobody.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
It's enough.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
I live up here in Hollywood, right, Yeah, a great place.
Speaker 6 (28:17):
You know.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
They got a lot of gay people up here. You
know what I saying. They're all over the place. It's
like a fungus, you know what I'm saying. They're all
I'm not kidding. It's like you got herpes, aids and
phag itis, you know what I'm saying. They come from
fag Detroit. They're not from this planet. Right. They march
up and down Santa Monica Boulevard with T shirts on.
I want money for raids, Well, I want money for
(28:37):
a new fucking car. I ain't going up and down
the street, right, Get a job, butt fucker. Okay, find
something else you'll like. I mean, personally, I couldn't see
having some guy rip my wrectum to shreds and turn
around and say I love you. Why don't you just
(28:58):
put a bullet in my head while you're they ain't
gonna be able to shit for three months as it is.
They don't know if they want to be called gay's, homosexuals, fairies.
I call them cocksuckers. I think it spells it out.
What's the pick de bait about? They got this Richard Simmons,
(29:20):
the nineteen eighty three Vasiline post The Boy. You see
this guy yet? It's the fuck up his ass already?
And then I read recently this really excited me. David
Bowie comes out with a statement saying he's not gay anymore.
He gave it up. What do you doing going to
the shick center for three weeks?
Speaker 10 (29:41):
Right?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
I mean, I know this guy sees a boy scout troop,
he buckles to his knees. You know what I'm saying.
I quit cigarettes to Okay Powell, you need a dick
in You'm out? That's your problem. I don't know, but
it's not really the faggots that kissed me off. I
even respect them a little because they've made a decision
with their lives, not like these bisexuals. One of these
(30:07):
guys wake up in the morning, flip a coin, right, heads,
I want half pie tails. I'll take balls across the nose. Right,
This ain't a menu, you know what I'm saying, And
you know it really cracks me up. You know what?
Really the punchline when they finally do get this AIDS disease,
they can't figure out where it comes from. They have
(30:29):
no idea. If you're walking around with shit on your
dick every day, you're bound to pick something up. You
know what I'm saying. This ain't a twenty four hour
virus here. You know what I mean. You ain't fucking normal.
What do you mean you can't figure it out? You
know you need the Hershey Highway. That's your problem, especially
when they can't come up with a cure the next day.
(30:50):
You know what I'm saying. I think maybe this is
God's way of saying a fellas, this ain't right. This
ain't the combination I picked out. What are you fucking blind?
I guess if I had to bang somebody in the ass,
I'd go with Reagan.
Speaker 9 (31:13):
Rank.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
I'm gonna have another cigarette. I love to smoke. I
started smoking at the Shick Center. I didn't work for
me either. How you doing. You seem like a nice girl,
you know how you're a pig.
Speaker 17 (31:36):
Given the girl.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Come No, I'm a fucking pig. I'll do it anyway
you want. Noah, you're cute. Really, you're a cute girl.
What's your name? Any idea up, dud? No, what's your name?
Leland Washington? Okay, beautiful, that's a beautiful name.
Speaker 6 (31:56):
You a cute girl.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Nice face?
Speaker 6 (31:59):
Let proceeed.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
No, she is a nice girl. Yeah, she's all right.
Speaker 5 (32:06):
You're with her?
Speaker 2 (32:08):
No, you just met him. No, you're cute.
Speaker 16 (32:16):
Anyway.
Speaker 10 (32:18):
No.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I love chicks, you know, especially tits. I'm big on tits,
big tits, little tits, tits that skip and hop, A
happy tit, a sad tit, A tit used as a
moth by Edgar Allan Poe. See you see the magic
of a tick? That's magic and kits. You guys don't notice.
(32:41):
You see the magic of a tit is when you
touch them and they shake you pop a boneum grade,
Remember when they first came out with the heart on you?
Remember that, like in the third fourth grade. O of
a sudden, you lean over like the hunchback of Notre Dame,
and the teacher goes, come on up to the board
and you're sitting.
Speaker 6 (32:59):
There like.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Now, I don't think so, honey, now not today. Okay,
you're the teacher, you figure it out, right. I got
some kind of ligament over here. I don't know what's
going on, things like alien it's banging into the desk
next to me. I don't know what's happening. But then
you grow up. You learn to accept the heart on,
to deal with it, to control it, to master it.
Especially that morning heart on. I'll put that up against
(33:26):
that getting sue knife any day. Yeah, it'll slice, it'll dice,
it'll pump your car up if you got a flat tire, roll,
So the go ahead, honey, hang your laundry right, I'm
shaving over here. I don't know. You see, when you
first meet a girl, they're always on diets. I don't
get the way six ounces they're on a diet. Then
(33:47):
you ask them out, where do they want to go? Eat? Right?
Once you got them in the restaurant, they change themselves
to the fucking tables. You can't get them out of it.
I like bolts, right, they're shoving bread sticks in that
pocket on the way out, So you take them out.
I spend thirty five forty bucks plus tie away everything
counts right, you know what I'm talking. You spend all
(34:09):
this cash and what do you get at the end
of the night a kiss on the cheek? Fellas, Let's
face it, we could get that from our wives, right,
I mean a kiss on the cheek was qute five
ten years ago, you go on a first date, get
a kiss on the cheek. I don't know, maybe a
little grinding action. It kepture coming back. But you see
today women liberated. It's a whole new ball game. It's
(34:31):
like on a first date they say things like, well,
I don't think we should have intercourse, but I'll blow you.
I had to make the rules. They just abide by them. Really,
you know. But don't think I'm I'm putting women down.
I love women. I do. They're cute. They got a
lot of cute quirks, Like why is it that every
time a girl goes to the bedroom they take along
(34:52):
the pocketbook where they're shit in a bag? They take
along a pocketbook and an extra girlfriend. What's the extra
girl friend there? For enthusiasm?
Speaker 6 (35:03):
Goad on it?
Speaker 2 (35:03):
You can do a bad Yeah, unloaded truck ahead, peel
like a razer son. Yeah, back it up. The little
I gotta get a polo out of this. This is
a beautiful and I thought missus Cleaver had to be
but was I mistaken her? And then with that roorgasms,
forget it. They don't want one, They want fifteenth twenty
at a clip.
Speaker 10 (35:23):
Right.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
A guy has one, he sleeps till Christmas. Right, chick
has one, she's bringing in the troops.
Speaker 3 (35:28):
It on.
Speaker 6 (35:29):
Then with them, I mean, let's face.
Speaker 2 (35:31):
It, right, a guy, you crank them up in five minutes.
Speaker 6 (35:34):
It's ober right.
Speaker 2 (35:35):
But with a chick, when you go down there, you
need Scooba gear. You ain't going down for five minutes.
You need a machete just to get through the shrubbery,
you know what I'm saying. Then you gotta go like
on a fort day man hunt. Right, you gotta find
some g spotfyd doing number three. Right, there's some guy
(35:56):
in a boat going here. You're up. You gotta track him.
Speaker 6 (35:58):
His ass down. Ain't and have to eight hours.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
Of working like a dog just to get out one
little They want to turn around and say, t talk
to me, Talk to you. I need fucking oxygen, honey, Okay,
you want to talk for your mom? Get me to
a hospital. I lost an almond there for God's sake.
With the positions, you gotta fold them, stretch them, bend them.
(36:21):
You gotta be fucking gumby to make love today. You
gotta hang them from a chandelier with a pickle in
them out to get them off right. With all the
protection they got shoved in there today, they got all
ill use coils cash. I feel like I'm fucking a
Chevy half the time. I just don't need that kind
(36:42):
of pressure. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 9 (36:44):
I don't know.
Speaker 6 (36:49):
You caught that joke?
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Good now? I stick to the one night stand. Anybody
here to have a one night stand? You're all full
of shit.
Speaker 9 (37:00):
I think it's beautiful, the one night stand.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
Here's my impression of a one night stand. Ugh, get out?
Speaker 16 (37:15):
Hello?
Speaker 2 (37:17):
So what else could anybody see? Et the extra testicle?
And anybody see that movie? What kind of movie is
this to show human beings? You know, I don't know what.
Nine year old kid walks out into the middle of
the woods and starts playing handball with this half mongolood,
half termite like it's a long lost cousin. This kid
don't blink an eye. He's making blood brothers ringing along
(37:37):
for be and meet the family, stay over for the weekend.
Me I'd be standing out there with a fucking bazooka.
You know what I mean, Hey, you gotta make a
phone call. Get the fuck out of the neighborhood. Yeah,
put et in my neighborhood for five minutes, right my neighborhood.
You walk into the grocery store, you pick up the lid,
you go, Paul Kay goes. Fuck you. I gotta say
(37:58):
bottle one more time, somebody getting hurt. And then I
go home. I turn on HBO, and I see this elephant. Man,
what is this self pity bullshit?
Speaker 6 (38:07):
For three and a half.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Hours, I'm sitting here watching this freak of fucking nature
walk around.
Speaker 3 (38:12):
Going I'm not an animal, and I'm.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Saying, no, well you ain't. No fucking Burt Reynolds vow, Okay,
not an animal. The guy's got a face like a snatch.
Speaker 6 (38:24):
What do you mean he's not an animal?
Speaker 2 (38:27):
I could pick him out of a lineup. You know
what I'm saying. We don't see too many people like
this walking around, and maybe in seven eleven you gotta
call them.
Speaker 8 (38:37):
Whatever that's what happened there.
Speaker 2 (38:39):
You've been a great audience guy and.
Speaker 6 (38:50):
He dies clean.
Speaker 9 (38:51):
Very funny guy.
Speaker 8 (38:52):
Some of the fires commedian in the world of women.
Remember Lewanda Pages right his next younger one. And you
might have seen on the TV when GMC the first
annual Mister Tush Contest on real people. Her name is
Lotus Weinstock.
Speaker 17 (39:08):
That's it up, quick question and how many people here
read the Inquire say?
Speaker 14 (39:18):
I less than the Bible.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
I think we're on the right track.
Speaker 14 (39:24):
It's amazing to me.
Speaker 10 (39:25):
It's the biggest selling paper in the universe and no
one ever admits they read it. I actually have an
Inquiry class every Thursday. I'm kidding, that's my business. I
do read the Enquire at the check stands because I've
never paid for it, but they actually have some very
enlightening articles in there.
Speaker 18 (39:38):
I've been reading.
Speaker 10 (39:40):
Some articles in the behavioral science area. I caught one
not so long ago written by three men who had PhDs. Collectively,
they had nine hundred and thirty three years of schooling,
and they were willing to give it to me in
a page.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
I'd like to give it to you in a few minutes.
Speaker 14 (39:58):
Ready for this.
Speaker 10 (39:59):
O use body signals. A man can't resist when it
comes to attracting that special man, there's an easy way
to do it.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
Who knew?
Speaker 16 (40:08):
You?
Speaker 10 (40:09):
Simply use ten body language signals to communicate your interest
in him and make him yours, say the experts. The
ten tips are a number one, while conversing, turn and
open palm towards him. This signals you're open to his advances.
(40:40):
Number two, lick your lips while keeping an open palm.
Licking the lips is a definite flirtatious gesture, notes body
language expert Julia's fast Number three, play with your hair.
(41:04):
Touch your hair, or twist a lock between your fingers,
suggests doctor Adam Kinden, Visiting Professor of Anthropology at Connecticut College.
Now keep an open palm while you're playing with your hair.
Speaker 6 (41:15):
Okay, These things.
Speaker 10 (41:16):
Are most effective if they're all gone together. No, we're
playing with the hair, licking the lips, and always.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Keeping that open palm.
Speaker 18 (41:24):
Okay.
Speaker 10 (41:31):
Now we're get into some very insightful stuff. Show off
your curves, Twist your body in such a way that
the breasts are made slightly more prominent.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
Give me an in cheer.
Speaker 10 (41:40):
Okay, and there's a kind of wiggle in the hips.
You ready for number six?
Speaker 6 (41:53):
This is really an insight.
Speaker 18 (41:55):
Touch his thigh.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
Oh god, I never would have thought of it.
Speaker 10 (42:01):
When a woman touches a man's thigh, even if she's
just met him at a party, it is signaling I
am very interested in you.
Speaker 6 (42:09):
No shit, sherlock.
Speaker 10 (42:14):
Now keep it open palm while you're touching his thigh.
This next one is my personal favorite. Give him that
special look. This is done by closing your eyelids and
(42:34):
then when you open them again, your eyes are looking elsewhere. Okay,
Now caress your own body, give him a hinsher in
(42:57):
a Santus mood by drawing attention to your own body.
If while talking to a man, a woman moves her
(43:17):
hand down her thigh or touches the top of her breast,
it can be a way of saying this might lead
to something.
Speaker 6 (43:26):
I'm trying to keep it open palm while.
Speaker 14 (43:28):
You're touching your breast.
Speaker 10 (43:30):
Let's run it all down, drawing attention to her our
own body, giving him that special look.
Speaker 14 (43:36):
We're touching his guy.
Speaker 6 (43:37):
We're playing with that.
Speaker 10 (43:37):
Hair, we're looking at those lits, and we are always
keeping that open palm uping out, hit it all going
at once. If he still hasn't noticed you come in
(43:59):
for the kill, touch an inanimate object as you.
Speaker 18 (44:04):
Talk to him.
Speaker 14 (44:06):
I know you an't believe this, but I'm really interested
(44:28):
in you.
Speaker 8 (44:43):
We have a singing group now in the living room,
but they're not exactly a Sunday school choir.
Speaker 6 (44:48):
They called bird in McDonald give a li.
Speaker 15 (45:00):
There wasn no farmer who lived by a rock.
Speaker 19 (45:04):
He sat in the meadow, was shaking his fist at
some boys who were down by the creek, their feet
in the water, their hands on their marbles and play things.
Speaker 15 (45:15):
And in the days of York, there came.
Speaker 19 (45:17):
A young lady. She looked like a pretty young creature.
She sat on the grass. She pulled up her dresses
and showed us her rumbles.
Speaker 16 (45:27):
And laces and wife not feet.
Speaker 19 (45:29):
And he said she was learning a new way to
bring up her children and.
Speaker 6 (45:34):
Learn them to knit.
Speaker 19 (45:36):
While the boys in the barnyard were shove like a
revenue sent later from yesterday's hunt, while the girl in
the meadow was rubbing her eyes at the fellows. This
girl sometimes to make it quite clear that she wanted
to go for a nice, pleasant stroll on the grass
and hurry back home for a nice piece of ice
(45:58):
cream and came past the three layers off, and after
the sert she was ready to go for another walk
down by the.
Speaker 6 (46:07):
Duck with any young man with the size of a
roll of one hundreds.
Speaker 15 (46:12):
And a nig bow jump front and beat spot.
Speaker 19 (46:15):
Later she'd show him her little pet dog who was
subject to fits. Then maybe she let him grab hold
of her small tender hands with a movement so quick.
Speaker 20 (46:27):
And she been on over and suck on his.
Speaker 19 (46:30):
Soda so sweetly till she been He's getting been bowed
down her panties to rub on her him that she
was when she ran down the hall because he tried
to force her to lick on.
Speaker 20 (46:42):
His candy so tasty made of butterscotch, and then he
spread with cream all over her cookies that she had
been making all night. Edything, This sistertyre fucking well right,
(47:12):
thank you.
Speaker 6 (47:12):
Very much, folks.
Speaker 8 (47:14):
The next fellow beat out a lot of stiff competition
to win the first International Stand Up Comics Award.
Speaker 6 (47:22):
Let's welcome in, folks, Denny Johnston.
Speaker 7 (47:40):
Oh, my name's Joe Bob Davis. I'm President of the
Carpenters Union of Bakersville, California, and now I have several
safety tipts for you. I'm cutting tw by fours with
a goddamn kill saw. Make sure that you all wear
a pair of these hair of safety guard, even though
(48:02):
they do make you look like a real fucking asshole.
Then safety tip number two, don't ever, ever ever do this.
(48:24):
It's my impression of John Wayne if he ever became
a stand up comic. Well ban on Snatchell's comebacks. I
(48:46):
just rode my horse in from Las Vegas and boys
ball swollen.
Speaker 16 (48:54):
Boy.
Speaker 6 (48:54):
There's a little joke for you.
Speaker 7 (49:00):
What's the difference between a moose and Lawrence Wilt's orchestra.
On a moose, the horns are up front and the
assholes in back?
Speaker 3 (49:14):
Thank you.
Speaker 7 (49:17):
Well, here's another little joke for you. What do you
call a Mexican with a vast ectomy dry Martinez?
Speaker 10 (49:30):
Uh?
Speaker 7 (49:33):
Well, here's another little joke for you. How come they
haven't found out a cure for ageia can't get those
little white laboratory mice to butt fuck each other?
Speaker 6 (49:52):
Hear about the.
Speaker 7 (49:53):
Blind skunk that tried to rape a fart. A black couple,
mister and Missus Jackson, are sitting in the breakfast room
table with their ten month old kid. All of a sudden,
the little kid looks up and missus Jackson and says mother.
Mister Jackson looks over and says, here that honey just
(50:16):
said half a word. Guy goes into a doctor's office
and says, I don't know what's wrong with me, Doc,
but every time I eat something, it comes out looking
the same. I ate a hamburger, it comes out looking
like a hamburger. I ate his slice of pizza, it
comes out looking like a slice of pizza. Pepperonis are
(50:38):
even in the same spot. What the hell am I
gonna do?
Speaker 2 (50:43):
Doc?
Speaker 7 (50:44):
Doc says each.
Speaker 2 (50:51):
Or the old show for you?
Speaker 7 (50:54):
What do you call a girl that can suck up
a golf ball through a drinking straw? Darling, you're about
the prostitute that went on a fishing trip with seven
guys and came home with a big red snapper.
Speaker 15 (51:15):
Oh fuck you, I don't write this shit.
Speaker 7 (51:23):
Remember the girl that got eaten by the shark and
John how they find out she had dandrus found her
head and shoulders on the beach. You don't like my chokes,
come up here and tell me personally, and I'll rip
off your head and shit in your neck.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
Don't make no difference.
Speaker 20 (51:45):
Come me.
Speaker 7 (51:49):
Three old guys are sitting in a rest home. One
guy seventy ones eighty and the third ones ninety. Well,
they're sitting around talking one day, and the seventy year
old says, boy, I wish I could take a healthy
piss again. Eighty year old says, I got no problem
doing that. I just wish I could take a healthy
(52:10):
shit again. Well, a ninety year old what's over says
every morning at seven o'clock, I take a healthy piss.
About nine to twenty on the button, I take a
healthy shit. I just wish I could wake up before noon.
Speaker 15 (52:28):
I do anybody here?
Speaker 7 (52:33):
I don't even know who Jack Nicholson is. I think
if Jack Nicholson couldn't get a great job as an
actor in a film, and the only job they offered
him was to host a television kiddie show, this is
how I think Jack would handle the job. All Right,
(53:10):
you little turret droppers, Now, before we start to tape
the McMurphy to the clown Show, Uncle Jack wants to
talk to you kids about a few things that are
starting to piss them off. Last week, we had what
(53:36):
we call Sherpury and little Susie Thomason said that she
wanted to come up and show us all our little
pussy uncle Jack that she's talking about a god damn cat.
So I remember, kids, that this stuff continues to happen.
(54:00):
Uncle Jack's gonna have to put his hands around your
little necks.
Speaker 9 (54:05):
Squeeze real hard.
Speaker 7 (54:08):
Till your fucking eyes pop out.
Speaker 15 (54:12):
That's well, I got to be getting off now.
Speaker 6 (54:30):
My mom gave me that joke.
Speaker 9 (54:35):
Let me you know who Jimmy Stewart is.
Speaker 7 (54:39):
This is my impression of James Stewart if you ever
decided to do the Beatles song Blackbird, piece of Ship,
(55:06):
God damn fucking piece of ship. I've got a good
mind like this guitar backed and the man I bought it
from him, ramming up his fucking half.
Speaker 6 (55:24):
The son first.
Speaker 7 (55:28):
Let's unless he's got hemorrhoids and that'll be more fun.
Speaker 13 (55:38):
Thank you, you are great? How about that?
Speaker 2 (55:51):
How I.
Speaker 13 (55:55):
Thank you very much?
Speaker 6 (55:56):
And you're coming to Doc.
Speaker 8 (55:57):
Glove, Well, that's as eide line up for this evening,
and I hope you're going to offend it here by
the show.
Speaker 2 (56:04):
Uh, if you were invented and and you stayed until
the end.
Speaker 8 (56:07):
And you were a dummy, So John Kevin, I'll come again,
see you next time.
Speaker 6 (56:13):
Good Night, folks, good bad light, all right day kill.
Speaker 13 (56:16):
Me, good night till nobody got no good by, I've
got my brother play dummy.
Speaker 3 (56:24):
Yeah put head, I got your liver.
Speaker 9 (56:27):
Oh go go.
Speaker 16 (56:30):
Go m tete extend
Speaker 2 (58:18):
U
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