Holiday Stress and Trauma: Coping with Holiday Triggers and Emotional Pain

Struggling with holiday stress and trauma? You’re not alone. In this episode, Nicola Beer explores why the holidays can trigger deep emotional pain and how to cope with holiday triggers, loneliness, or relationship stress using compassionate tools. Get your free self-care toolkits at www.nicolabeer.com/gift

Episode Transcript

(00:04):
Friends.
Isn't it fascinating howrelationships bring us immense joy
but also profound heartache?
There are dance of emotions,yet how often do we truly, deeply,
consciously invest in therelationship we have with ourselves
and loved ones?

(00:25):
That investment, that time andthat energy is the most powerful
gift in you could ever bestowupon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us amanual on handling emotions and communication
challenges, we also weren'ttaught the art of building romantic

(00:45):
ties or how to deeply love andvalue ourselves.
But I'm here to share morelife affirming, relationship enhancing
wisdom with you all.
And now you can also find thistransformational content pouring
onto YouTube and Instagram.
Dive into the show notes toconnect with all the magic.

(01:08):
Here's for growth, love andendless learning.
Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer.
I'm so happy you're herebecause today we're going to be talking
about why the holidays canfeel so hard, understanding the seasonal
stress and trauma that theycan bring up for people, and what

(01:28):
to do if you are feelingtriggered by other people and not
feeling very happy at this time.
The holiday season can be oneof the most challenging times of
year for many people.
While it's often portrayed asa time of joy, togetherness and celebration,
for some it's a time thatbrings up painful memories, feelings
of loneliness, or even dread.

(01:49):
For those grieving the loss ofa loved one, the holidays can magnify
their absence, making thistime especially difficult to navigate.
If you're someone who feelsuneasy at Christmas or New Year as
it approaches, you're not alone.
In fact, research shows thatabout 38% of people report feeling
increased stress during theholidays, with factors like financial

(02:09):
strain, family tensions andloneliness playing major roles.
Maybe the thought of beingaround family triggers old wounds.
Perhaps the pressure ofcreating the perfect holiday wastes
heavily on you, or pastdisappointments make it harder to
embrace the season with open arms.
For those who've experiencedchildhood or relationship trauma

(02:30):
and pain, the holidays canalso take an even heavier burden.
It's important not to blameyourself if you're finding it hard
to be joyful at this time, andif you're feeling overwhelmed, family
dynamics, unresolved trauma orstrained relationships can intensify
this time, leaving you feelingtrapped in old patterns of pain and
resentment.

(02:50):
This episode is here toacknowledge your experience, to shed
light on why the holidays canbe so triggering, and to offer you
some practical tools toprotect and take care of yourself.
So I first want to talk abouthow childhood trauma can be really
awakened during this time.
For Many people, childhoodholidays were not filled with the
warmth and joy often portrayedin the holiday movies or commercials.

(03:13):
Instead, these times weremarked by tension, neglect, or even
outright conflict.
Such early experiences canhave profound imprint on how we perceive
and engage with the festiveseason as adults, often transforming
what should be a time ofcelebration into one of anxiety,
sadness or dread.
Take, for example, theexperience of growing up in a household

(03:35):
where the holidays wereovershadowed by constant arguments
about money.
Imagine a child sitting therequietly listening to their parents
fight about the cost of gifts,travel, or holiday meals.
For that child, the sound ofholiday music or the sight of festive
decorations doesn't invoke joy.
Instead, it can serve as atrigger for stress and unease.

(03:55):
And these associations canlinger well into adulthood as the
nervous system retains amemory of those heightened tensions.
For anyone who has grown upwith an alcoholic parent or a parent
who's addicted to anything,that can cause a lot of stress, fear,
worry and concern for thistime where drinking and indulging

(04:16):
to excess is common.
Studies on an adversechildhood experiences there's an
ACE study and I think I'vetalked about it in one of my other
podcasts, but I will in morecoming up anyway, but this study
conducted on these kind ofnegative childhood experiences, seeing
your family argue a lot ofconflict, violence, alcoholism and

(04:37):
other difficult things, parentdivorce even, it can lead to as adults
still carrying the weight andthat stress of what's happened in
the past.
And a lot of people don'tidentify with trauma because they
believe it's got to be a big thing.
But actually, even smallthings can be traumatic, and that
might be why you're reactingin a certain way.

(04:59):
If you're really struggling inthese holiday periods because of
earlier things that havehappened, these stress reactions
often are unconsciouslyactivated by reminders of holidays,
creating a deep sense ofunease or discomfort.
I've heard lots of people saythey just want the season to be over.
Or some people, they arereally positive at the beginning

(05:19):
and they are really lookingforward to it.
And they might not even listento this podcast.
They think, no, the holidaysare really going to be good.
And then every year they get disappointed.
And then they think, go, whyam I so sad on Christmas?
Or why am I so sad on New Year?
And they just don't understandthat it links back to memories stored

(05:39):
sometimes consciously orsometimes unconsciously, where they
could just get this feeling orthis sense of dread and fear, or
they just feel really down and low.
They don't really understand why.
That's often because our mindcan repress these childhood memories
or because we're so young thatwe don't have the conscious ability

(06:00):
to recall them, however,they're still there.
For others, the holidays weremarked by the emotional or physical
absence of a parent.
Perhaps one parent was awaydue to divorce, work or other obligations,
leaving the child feelingforgotten or unimportant during a
time traditionally associatedwith togetherness.
And there's also.

(06:20):
Sometimes children reallycarry the the pain and worry for
the other parent, so they'reconcerned about how the other parent
is doing and they're not ableto focus on having a good time.
Emotional absence, such as aparent struggling with addiction,
depression or their ownstress, can be equally painful.
One woman shared how herfather's repeated absence every Christmas

(06:41):
due to work left her feeling insignificant.
Now, even decades later, sheavoids celebrating the holidays altogether,
fearing she will bedisappointed or let down.
Experiences like this cancreate a pervasive sense of loss
that carries into adulthood.
However, reframing thesememories through inner child work
and self compassion exercisescan help individuals to reclaim the

(07:03):
holidays and create newpositive traditions that feel meaningful
and supportive.
For some, the holidays meantbeing surrounded by extended family,
which wasn't always a comfortinstead of a joy.
These gatherings broughttension, arguments and outright hostility.
A child witnessing heateddisputes or passive aggressive exchanges
among family members may haveinternalized these moments as deeply

(07:26):
unsafe.
Instead of associating theholidays with security and happiness,
they came to see them asfraught with unpredictability and
discomfort.
This emotional undercurrentcan transform the festive season
into a mind filled withtriggers, making even small holiday
rituals feel daunting or overwhelming.
These childhood experiencesshape the lens through which we view

(07:48):
holidays.
As adults, they colour ourmemories, influence our behaviours
and often dictate how weapproach the season.
Acknowledging these roots isthe first step towards healing.
While the past cannot beundone, it's possible to reframe
the holidays as an opportunityfor growth and renewal, breaking
free from the patterns of painthey once held.
By working through theseimprints with compassion and care,

(08:10):
individuals can begin tocreate a new narrative, one that
prioritizes self love, safetyand genuine connection.
And if the past is stillaffecting you in the present, then
it's not a thing of the past,it's a thing of the present.
And that's why it's soimportant to heal these wounds, so
that you can really be fullypresent and enjoy every day.

(08:32):
So now I'm going to talk aboutrelationship trauma.
The holidays can often place amagnifying glass over romantic relationships,
heightening both the joys andthe fractures within them.
With heightened expectations,societal pressures, and the complexities
of family dynamics, thefestive season can amplify existing
wounds or create new ones.
For those already navigatingrelational challenges, the holidays

(08:56):
can feel less like a time ofconnection and more like a minefield
of emotional triggers.
One common source of holidayrelated relationship pain stems from
unmet expectations, such asreceiving a thoughtless or last minute
gift from a partner.
While this might seem trivialor not important to some people,
for others it can feel deeplywounding to someone who yearns for

(09:19):
acknowledgment and care.
I worked with a woman whosepartner gave her a generic card on
Christmas morning with justhis name at the bottom and no words,
and to her this act felt likean afterthought, as if he hadn't
truly considered her or thethings that bring her joy.
Her Christmas present wassomething that she hated and something

(09:40):
that she felt was unattractiveand unthoughtful, a Christmas jumper.
What made the pain evensharper was how it echoed a childhood
pattern of being overlookedduring family celebrations.
These unmet emotional needsfrom her past intensified her hurt
in the present, making thedisappointment feel much larger than
the gift itself.

(10:00):
I remember my mum always beingungrateful every single Christmas
with my dad's presents.
I mean, to be fair, he did goshopping on Christmas Eve, which,
you know, that is upsetting.
I think for a lot of peoplethat he hadn't really thought about
it before.
However, it was just soawkward seeing her so angry and disappointed

(10:20):
and having an argument over it.
It just sort of ruined thewhole mood and it happened again
and again and again.
Whatever my dad got my mum, itwas wrong.
And then there were theChristmases where my dad just wasn't
there anymore and that justfelt empty and weird.
However, I do think that wasbetter than the Christmases where

(10:40):
they were having massiveshouting arguments.
One Christmas because mybrother wasn't eating with his fork
holding his knife in the rightway, my mum started shouting at him
and then she was shouting thatmy dad didn't help my sister eat
her meal and cut up her foodfor her.
So then they had a blazing rowand we just all went to our own rooms

(11:01):
and it was really sad.
The interesting thing for mewas that I'd forgotten all of those
memories.
I hadn't thought about themfor years.
I thought they were way in the past.
And then I had a Christmaswhere a partner that I was with at
the time, he didn't get meanything for Christmas and was on

(11:22):
his Phone all day.
And I just felt really sad.
And it was uncontrollably sad.
I was crying.
I just felt, what's the point?
I just felt so unloved.
I was so angry.
And he was sick, he was unwellin, you know, during, in the few
weeks leading up to Christmas.
He had like a flu, cold flu.

(11:43):
And so he was saying like hejust couldn't go and get anything.
And I just took it so badlythat I cried for days and I was upset
and I was just like, does thismean my relationship's over?
And it just brought up so much pain.
I felt awful.
And then I.
A few weeks after the holidayseason, I went to a therapist that

(12:06):
does more than just talktherapy, that does like deeper healing
work.
And I realized that I had allthese stacked up memories, not only
just from Christmas, but alsofrom my birthday where I felt I'm
not loved, I'm not wanted, I'mnot seen, I'm not cared for.
So these holiday seasons, youmight not even remember these memories

(12:28):
yet.
You just feel reallyoverwhelmed with emotion.
It could be anger, could befear, could be stress, could be sadness,
can be like this real low moodthat I was stuck in.
So that's why I thought it'sso important to talk about childhood
trauma today and how it can be awakened.
And you may not even realizethat it is being awakened because

(12:51):
you're focusing on the current situation.
But if the current situationyou're reacting in ways or you're
having such a huge emotionalresponse, there's probably something
deeper there.
For others, the stress of theholidays can lead to arguments or
dismissive behavior, which canbe especially damaging for those
with a history of emotionalneglect or abandonment.
The pressure to coordinateplans, purchase gifts or meet family

(13:12):
expectations often createstension between partners, causing
them to snap at one another orwithdraw emotionally.
For someone already carryingthe weight of past wounds from previous
relationships, this kind ofdismissal can feel like a profound
betrayal, reigniting fears ofbeing unloved or unsupported.
Research on emotionalinvalidation shows that dismissive

(13:34):
or unkind behaviour duringstressful periods can have a significant
impact on individuals withprior trauma, leading to feelings
of rejection, isolation, oreven despair.
The holidays also can bringwith them the challenge of navigating
family dynamics, which can befraught with tension or conflict.
When a partner fails to offersupport during interactions with

(13:57):
difficult in laws or familymembers, it can leave the other feeling
isolated and unprotected.
Imagine someone whose familygatherings are rife with passive
aggressive comments oroutright hostility.
If their partner doesn't stepin to provide the comfort or solidarity,
it can reopen old wounds tiedto feelings of abandonment or unsupportedness
during childhood family conflicts.

(14:19):
These moments of emotionaldisconnection during these holidays
can deepen the sense ofloneliness and amplify the pain of
unresolved trauma.
Relationship struggles duringthe holidays often stem from a deeper
desire to feel seen, heard and valued.
When these needs go unmet,particularly in a season so tied
to notions of togetherness andcare, the pain can feel magnified.

(14:43):
However, it's important torecognise that these moments, while
difficult, also offeropportunities for growth and understanding
within the relationship.
By acknowledging the triggersand exploring their roots, couples
can work together and worktowards building stronger connections
and creating new, healthierpatterns of support and communication.

(15:03):
I'm also going to be sharingin this episode some tips coming
up on what to do if yourpartner does trigger you and how
to address that.
Before we do that, I want tomove into Loneliness the holidays
are often portrayed as a timeof love, joy and feeling connected
with loved ones beingsurrounded by loved ones, images
of smiling faces, familiesgathered around tables or exchanging

(15:26):
gifts everywhere, reinforcingthe idea of a festive season filled
with connection and warmth.
But for many, this portrayalfeels like a cruel contrast to their
reality.
For those struggling withloneliness, personal pain or fractured
relationships, the holidayscan amplify feelings of isolation
and and unmet expectations,making the season an emotional minefield.

(15:49):
One of the most painfulaspects of holiday loneliness is
the social isolation, which isoften magnified by the created images
of joy on social media.
Scrolling through the endlessphotos of happy families, cosy couples
and festive gatherings candeepen the sense of exclusion for
someone who feels disconnected.
One man shared with me howseeing holiday photos of smiling

(16:11):
relatives online made him feelunworthy and unloved, estranged from
his own family.
These images brought backpainful memories of childhood rejection,
where he was often excludedfrom family celebrations.
From him, the holiday seasonbecame a stark reminder of what he
lacked, intensifying feelingsof loneliness and inadequacy.
Yet even in the face of hispain, creating small, meaningful

(16:34):
rituals for oneself, likelighting a candle, preparing a favorite
meal or spending time innature, can provide a sense of comfort
and connection.
These personal acts of carecan counterbalance the weight of
external comparisons.
And sometimes it can be reallypainful because you had a great childhood,
you had a great Christmas, youhad so much love, you had so much

(16:57):
warmth, you had so much fun,and then if your adult life doesn't
match that, you, you can againfeel that huge missing out.
And some people will Then gointo a really negative place where
they attack themselves.
I know, I've been there whereyou say, what's wrong with me?
Why am I alone?

(17:18):
Why am I unloved?
Why am I not good enough?
Why don't I have this?
Why don't I have that?
And of course our mind alwayshas to come up with an answer.
It's the way the mind works.
If you ask it a question, itwill think of an answer.
It will say, oh, because youdid that mistake, or maybe because
you're not attractive enough,or maybe because you're not interesting
enough, or maybe you're notgood at relationships or maybe if

(17:41):
you'd done this better or ifyou didn't do that.
And then these self attackingthoughts, they're the worst.
More than how anyone else canever hurt you, you can hurt yourself
so much more with what youthink and what you say to yourself
and what you think about yourself.
And this is why sometimes thisholiday season can be really unbearable.
And it's also isolatingbecause everybody's busy.

(18:03):
If you're a person that issingle or, you know, you're a couple
and you're away from family,or you're not very close to your
family, it's difficult to meetup with other people during this
time because everybody's busyand everyone's with their own families.
And if you're alone or you'rein a small family, it can feel also
very isolating becauseeverything's shut down and there's

(18:27):
not many people around.
And that's why this time ofyear where there's that expectation
that you need to be happy, becheerful, can be suffocating for
some people, especially forthose grieving a loss, coping with
depression and, you know, notthat happy with their life for whatever
reason at that moment, orthey've got a lot of anxiety about

(18:49):
their health or the future,this can be really difficult.
And that's why it's soimportant to not put pressure on
yourself.
And it's also important toexpress your emotions, to talk to
people that you trust to getit out.
Because research on emotionalsuppression has shown that forcing
oneself to be happy whileexperiencing inner tuomo can worsen

(19:11):
the feelings of sadness and disconnection.
And therefore the holidays canfeel like an exhausting performance
rather than a time for genuine connection.
So giving yourself permissionto be authentic is so important.
To cry, to grieve, to simplybe still, to have time alone.
This is a radical act of selfcompassion during an emotionally

(19:33):
challenging time.
Missing a parent, partner orclose family member During Christmas
and New Year is especiallydifficult because these occasions
are steeped in traditions andmemories shared with them.
It's natural to feel ache intheir absence if you're grieving
a loss.
And it's important to remindyourself that grieving during this
time is not only normal andnatural, but it's also a healthy

(19:55):
expression of the love and the loss.
For those who have recentlylost someone, the first holiday season
without them can feelparticularly heavy.
The empty chair at the table,the lack of their voice during the
cherished rituals, or theabsence of their presence in the
family photos can serve as aconstant reminder of their loss.
This moments can bring wavesof sadness, longing, and even anger,

(20:19):
all of which are valid emotions.
Allowing yourself to feelthese emotions without judgment is
part of the healing process.
Grief has no timeline, and theholidays can stir feelings in you
that you may have thought wereresolved until it's this time.
So be really kind and patientwith yourself.
So the first thing tounderstand is that your feelings

(20:39):
are valid.
Holidays don't happen in a vacuum.
They're deeply tied to familydynamics, past experiences and cultural
pressures.
If you find yourselfoverwhelmed, it's not because you're
weak or ungrateful, or a joykiller, or whatever else that you
may feel or someone maybe haveeven said to you.
Painful memories and unmetneeds can resurface because the holidays

(21:00):
demand emotional energy andinteractions that often highlight
vulnerabilities.
Your emotional reactions arenot a reflection of who you are,
but rather response to whatyou've been through.
So whatever you're feeling,whatever you're experiencing, don't
make it wrong.
You deserve your compassion.
You deserve your care.
And not to judge yourself.

(21:21):
Because if you judge yourselffor feeling how you feel, then you're
going to make it even worsefor yourself.
And you don't deserve that.
So let's look at some tips tocare for yourself during the holidays.
The first is to set realistic expectations.
What is really important toyou to experience during this time
and what isn't that important?
Is the goal to have a goodtime or do you need to make it the

(21:44):
perfect holiday?
So often people get reallyupset because they want everything
to be perfect.
Pristine decorations, smilingfamilies, endless joy.
These are idealized notions.
And holding yourself to theseunrealistic standards can create
unnecessary stress.
Some people also over plan.
They book in so many days withdifferent family members.

(22:06):
They invite so many people atthe same time, when they know that
there's not enough room orit's going to overwhelm them to take
care of that.
So focus on what you can control.
Small, meaningful momentsoften work best for a lot of people
that I work with.
Small, meaningful moments thatcan bring you peace and happiness
and things that you can do for yourself.

(22:27):
It could be I'm going to havea cup of coffee or a cup of tea in
the morning by myself, I'mgoing to go for a walk in the forest
with one or two family membersall by myself.
Or I'm going to watch myfavorite movie in bed once I've seen
to everybody else.
At the end of the day I'mgoing to get into bed and watch my
favorite movie, either with mypartner or by myself and just relax.

(22:51):
Spending time with people whoreally lift your spirits is also
great, and especially ifthat's in a small group where you
can really connect and theycan really help you to feel good
about yourself.
These small acts of self careprovide grounding amongst the chaos
and create a sense of steadiness.
When emotions can run high,then there's boundary setting.

(23:13):
So boundaries are essentialfor the holidays, especially if certain
environments, certaininteractions can drain you emotionally.
It's okay to limit your timeat family gatherings or decline invitations
to events that you feel willbe overwhelming.
Practicing self compassionincludes recognising that you're
not obligated to put otherscomfort before your own well being.

(23:36):
Learning to say no can feelchallenging, especially if it carries
a lot of guilt.
Either guilt that you giveyourself or you're made to feel guilty.
And yet it's so important notto push yourself to the limit.
So a really good act of selfcare is to always say let me think
about it, let me check beforeyou say yes to things and then go

(23:56):
away and just check in with yourself.
Will this be good for me?
Will I be able to handle it?
Will it give me energy and canI recover from it?
Because sometimes you can sayyes to things and then you're spending
days recovering because itwasn't the right thing for you.
And if you are going to spenda lot of time with triggering relatives

(24:18):
or in triggering situations,then make sure you're taking breaks
and you're able to have somepeaceful time alone if you need to.
Finding a Support systemSharing your feelings with your trusted
friend, a therapist, a supportgroup can be incredibly liberating
during the holidays.
The act of voicing youremotions not only lightens a burden,

(24:39):
but also helps you to feelless isolated.
Opening up can remind you thatyou're not alone and that many others
share similar struggles duringthis time.
Reaching out to people thatmake you feel safe Even if it's through
a phone call or a video chator heartfelt message can also feel
really good.
So if you're feeling low andlonely or down, sometimes just messaging
people that you love andtelling them how you are and telling

(25:02):
them how much you care aboutthem can be really nice.
And you don't even have totalk about yourself.
You know, often that can besomething that isolates people.
So if you do find it difficultto share about yourself and this
feels uncomfortable, then justask people about them.
That connection can be reallyimportant if it's with someone that
is close to you and that youfeel comfortable with.

(25:24):
Knowing that someone is therecan provide immense comfort.
And for some people, onlinecommunities and support groups can
be also be valuable spaceswhere you can connect with others
who understand yourexperiences and then practice self
care rituals.
Holidays can feel like awhirlwind, so putting in self care
whatever self care that you like.

(25:44):
Some people it's like, okay,I'm going to go for a swim, I'm going
to go out in the woods.
Other people it's like I'mgoing to sit and journal or I'm going
to have a really long bath orI'm going to do some meditations.
Doing something that can calmyour nervous system when anxiety
services is key.
Music can also be a reallygood way to calm the nervous system.

(26:07):
What works for you?
What makes you feel more relaxed?
What can get you into a morecentered, grounded place?
Because once you can spendsome time in that peaceful place,
then you're going to be moreable to go back out and deal with
the chaos and the fun and thedemands and everything else however

(26:28):
you look at it that theholiday season can bring.
Another thing you can do is toreframe the season, which I touched
on earlier.
If the traditional holidaycelebrations feel more painful than
joyful, give yourselfpermission to rewrite the narrative.
The holidays don't have to beabout family gatherings or gift exchanges
if those don't resonate with you.

(26:48):
Instead, create your owntraditions that bring you comfort
or meaning.
Perhaps spend the dayvolunteering, which can offer a sense
of purpose and connection.
Maybe you can take a solo tripor dedicate time to hobbies that
bring you joy.
Reframing the holidays as atime for self reflection and personal
growth can help shift thefocus from loss to possibility.

(27:10):
In fact, I've worked withseveral people who had had really
traumatic pasts with theirholiday seasons, either in abusive,
narcissistic relationships ordifficult childhood experiences.
And they've gone traveling,they've just gone you know what,
I'm just gonna go and have areally good holiday time and meet
other people.
Backpacking or these otherholiday destinations, skiing for

(27:34):
singles or this one lady wentto this place in, I think it was
in France and it was like thisbig church where all these people
were there and having allChristmas together.
Loads of different people thatdidn't know each other.
There were couples there,there were family there, but there
were also lots of singlepeople there.
And she loves that everysingle year now.
She absolutely loves it.

(27:55):
So finding a new family anddoing things that will inspire you.
Some people I've worked with,they redo the whole house, have a
massive declutter and theyhave the holiday time just enjoying
themselves at home doingsomething that's making them feel
good so you don't have to bearound people if you don't want to
be.
And then healing tools can bereally helpful as the holiday season

(28:20):
does give time.
You know, you're not maybeworking and doing the routine with
the children.
If you have children, gettingthem ready for school and, you know,
doing all of that, then somepeople decide to spend some time
on themselves.
So they do journalingexercises, they do meditations, they
do courses designed to buildup resilience and provide a sense

(28:42):
of inner calm.
They learn things that theywant to learn.
This is the time to bededicated to developing yourself.
And you might want to checkout my two free toolkits.
I have my self confidencetoolkit and this has meditations.
It has self confidencemeditations, self love meditations,
forgiving and letting gomeditations, relaxation meditations.

(29:06):
So you can go and get them forthe free as my self confidence toolkit.
It also has exercises to helpyou find peace in a calm relax.
Also looks at your values inlife, your goals in life, to help
you feel more excited andpositive about the future.
So it's called my selfconfidence toolkit and it's available

(29:29):
on my website.
Just go to nicolabeer.com giftand it will be there.
All my gifts are on that pageand also a link will be along with
the show notes.
And then I have myrelationship reconnect toolkit.
And this has practical actionsteps to enhance connection.
It has communication tools, ithas games for couples.
Again, it has meditations thatyou can listen to together.

(29:52):
So there's ones for releasingresentment, feeling more loved and
connected, communicating withease and peace, full communication.
So all of these are availablefor free.
So you might decide, right,I'm just going to go through these
free courses and work onmyself and start the New year with
positivity and having donesome positive things for myself,

(30:17):
improving my outlook for thefuture and the year ahead.
And if it is a really, reallydifficult time, of course you can
reach out to speak to atherapist if you're going through
that difficult time.
A lot of therapists areworking during this time period.
I often work during thisperiod because I like to have holidays
at different times of the yearbecause I find it's a time where

(30:40):
a lot of people do need helpbecause of all these triggers.
So maybe reaching out tosomeone if it does get too much and
just giving yourself that giftof an hour or two hours with someone
can really help get throughthe difficult time.
And I know I've mentioned itbefore throughout this episode, but
one of the most importantthings above all, remember that it's

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okay to feel sad, to feelangry, to feel overwhelmed during
the holidays.
The more that you can allowyourself to feel your emotions rather
than trying to distractyourself from them, escape from them
using whatever you use toescape, then that's the healthiest
thing to do because escapingonly creates more stress and pain.

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When you actually allowyourself to sit there and feel it,
you'll be surprised that theemotion just passes.
If you try and push it down.
If you make yourself wrong, ifyou're critical of yourself, then
it makes it much more of a struggle.
So recognizing that myemotions are valid, it's okay to
feel this way.

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Allow yourself to feel theemotion and then ask yourself, what
do I need?
Do I need to go and ask for a hug?
Do I need to be alone?
Do I need to be in nature?
Do I need to sleep?
What do you need?
Really asking your body, whatdo I need?
What can help me feel bettertoday and just taking it a day at

(32:07):
a time.
So I mentioned that I'd alsotalk about what to do if your partner
is triggering yourunhappiness, if their actions or
lack of actions are reallycausing hurt and pain towards you,
the first thing is to pauseand reflect.
Take yourself away from thesituation, calm yourself down and
take a moment to reflect on,okay, what they've said and done,

(32:30):
how that makes you feel.
And then ask yourself, okay,is my reaction in proportion to what's
happened, or is my reaction myfeelings about something deeper?
Because like I said to youearlier about, you know, how I was
so triggered that time, yes,my partner had upset me.
However, my huge reaction wasabout also the past and he had reawakened

(32:56):
a lot of trauma that I was carrying.
So, okay, let's say it's to dowith the past.
Then you work through that andyou maybe journal, you take some
time, you explain to them thatyou're really triggered and that
you need some support.
Maybe I need a hug.
Maybe I need you to take careof this.
Maybe I need to go and have alie down.
Maybe I need to do a meditation.

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Maybe I need to be by myself.
And you look after your needs,you communicate them.
You take that time, you buildyourself back up and then you can
carry on if it's yourpartner's really upset you.
Then, okay, Again, pausing andreflecting and then thinking, okay,
how can I communicate this ina way where they're going to be able
to listen and take on whatI've said?

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So you want to also then focuson using a calm tone.
So waiting until you've cooleddown a bit.
And then you would shareexactly how you feel and then what
you want instead.
So you could say to them,okay, and using I statements as we
know.
So I'm feeling really upsetbecause I thought that you said you

(34:02):
were going to do this and youhaven't done this.
Please could you do it?
Or please, if you're not ableto do things in the future, can you
let me know ahead of time?
Or I'm feeling really hurtthat you didn't stand up for me in
front of your mum.
I don't feel comfortablehaving a conversation with your mum
about this.
Please can you make sure thatthis doesn't happen again.

(34:25):
I need you to speak to yourmum, please, about the situation
in whatever way you want tospeak to her in.
I'm not going to tell you whatto say or to do, but please can you
talk to her and just make surethat this doesn't repeat itself.
For example, something like that.
Or I'm feeling reallyoverwhelmed because I'm doing all
of the hard work and youhaven't really helped.

(34:47):
So would it be okay if for therest of the day or all day tomorrow,
you do the majority of thehousework and the cooking and cleaning
or the childcare, whatever it is.
So you're saying what thesituation is that's made you unhappy,
what you need and how you feel.
Saying what you need justmoves the conversation forward.

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It's really important not todo it in a harsh tone.
Not to say you do this oryou're lazy or you're selfish or
you don't care because one theperson isn't going to listen, the
wall's going to come up, thenthey're going to attack you back,
then you're going to be havinga conversation about something that's
completely irrelevant to thesituation and neither of you are

(35:30):
going to get the needs met.
And it's also too important tokeep in mind that your partner might
also be really struggling withthe holiday season.
So also asking them how areyou feeling about this holiday season?
Ahead of time can be really good.
And understanding what they'regoing through is also a great way
to navigate the holiday season.

(35:51):
So by approaching the holidayswith realistic expectations, firm
boundaries, and a commitmentto self care, you can navigate this
time with greater compassionfor yourself and each other.
It's not about avoiding thepain, but creating space to process
it in a way that feelssupportive and nourishing.
And if you're ready to takesteps forward towards self care,
healing and connection, thendownload my Self Confidence Toolkit.

(36:15):
This includes guidedmeditations to help you feel grounded,
loved, confident and supported.
If you're not a meditationperson, it also has exercises to
look at your goals, yourvalues, what's important to you,
how to build out your nextyear, what to focus on brings a lot
of positive energy.
And then there's myRelationship Reconnect Toolkit.

(36:35):
So this is for couples hasexercises on enhancing your connection,
improving your communication,and generally enhancing the overall
bond in the relationship.
So I hope in some way thisepisode has helped you.
I wanted you to not feel aloneif you are struggling and to give
you some tools to get throughthis time.

(36:58):
Hopefully it will be reallypositive and good for you the more
you take care of yourself andeach other.
So from my heart to yours,wishing you a wonderful week ahead
and I look forward to beingwith you in the next podcast.

(37:19):
Dear listeners, today Icelebrate you.
You are among the few whoactively nurture their love journey.
It's an act of courage, an actof self love and if today's episode
resonated with you, be abeacon for others.
Subscribe, rate and Review.
Let's spread this love andwisdom far and wide.

(37:42):
Craving more?
Discover the [e-mail] you can
also find the links to helpfulgifts in the show Notes.
Do also join our Relationshipand Wellness Facebook group.
It's a haven where we uplift,support and journey together towards
richer, deeper love stories.

(38:03):
Remember, you have the powerto craft the love story you deserve.
Thank you for being with metoday and until next time.
Keep shining and loving withall your heart.