November 22, 2024 ⢠38 mins
Want to deepen connection in your relationship? In this episode, Nicola Beer shares how to show empathy, build emotional intimacy, and overcome common blocks to connectionâespecially when one partner struggles with emotions.
đ Get free connection tools: www.nicolabeer.com/gift
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
Friends, Isn't it fascinatinghow relationships bring us immense
joy but also profound heartache?
There are dance of emotionsyet how often do we truly, deeply,
consciously invest in therelationship we have with ourselves
and loved ones?
(00:25):
That investment, that time andthat energy is the most powerful
gift in you could ever bestowupon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us amanual on handling emotions and communication
challenges, we also weren'ttaught the art of building romantic
(00:45):
ties or how to deeply love andvalue ourselves.
But I'm here to share morelife affirming, relationship enhancing
wisdom with you all.
And now you can also find thistransformational content pouring
onto YouTube and Instagram.
Dive into the show Notes toconnect with all the magic.
(01:08):
Here's for growth, love andendless learning.
Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer and I'm goingto be talking to you today about
empathy how to show andexpress your empathy to enhance your
relationships Empathy is thecapacity to feel and understand another
person's emotions as if theywere your own.
(01:31):
It involves connecting tosomeone's emotional state on a deeper
level, allowing you to sensewhat they might be experiencing emotionally
and respond with compassion.
Unlike cognitive empathy whichfocuses on intellectually understanding
someone's perspective,emotional empathy requires tuning
in to their feelings in anauthentic, heart centered way.
(01:54):
This type of empathy enables aperson to to share in both the joy
and pain of others, oftenfostering a sense of closeness and
trust.
Emotional empathy is afundamental building block in building
strong relationships as itallows people to feel genuinely seen,
supported and valued.
(02:14):
It's important to rememberthat empathy is not just about understanding
someone's feelingsintellectually, it's about connecting
with them emotionally.
For example, you mayunderstand why someone is feeling
unsafe intellectually, butstruggle to show them that you truly
get what they are experiencing.
The natural adult reactionwhen seeing someone in distress might
(02:36):
be to immediately try to helpthem out of their situation.
This is where a lot of couplesend up creating distance and disconnection
where one person shares theiremotions and the other has a tendency
to go in and want to fix theproblem or issue or to help fix the
person and this can bridge agap and make communication feel unsafe.
(02:58):
As no one wants to be fixed,we want to be understood and shown
love and care.
We seek not only to be heard,but to be felt, to be understood
and need our emotions to bevalidated, witnessed and cared about.
Often what happens in a lot ofcouples that I see is one person
is speaking from their heartand looking for a heartfelt reply
(03:22):
back and their partnerresponds from their mind, and this
creates a disconnect.
This happens when a personfeels pressured to give the right
answer, or doesn't feelcomfortable with emotional expression,
or isn't in tune with their emotions.
So they get stuck analyzingwhat to say and then come from a
place of intellect or anxietyin their mind.
(03:45):
A simplistic way of looking atthis is to just imagine that an adult
is in front of you indistress, crying, upset.
And the instinct when you seean adult in distress lying on the
floor is to go over, pull themup, say to them what's wrong, offer
some practical solutions,trying to fix the situation.
(04:06):
However, what that personneeds, especially from someone that
they love and care about, thatthey're being vulnerable in front
of, is for you to not just tryand get them to pull them up or intellectually
try and help them, but tofirst of all, lie down on the floor
with them and show them, I'mhere for you.
I'm here to go through whatemotions you're going through.
(04:27):
I see you.
This is often what we really need.
So it's a heart to heartcommunication rather than a heart
to head communication.
So rather than trying to pullsomeone out of their uncomfortable
feelings, the best way is toshow empathy and to support them
and to sit or lie in it withthem to offer your presence and understanding
(04:50):
before you offer your hand tohelp them up.
This act of joining someone intheir emotional state is the essence
of empathy.
Empathy is often seen as afundamental human trait, an essential
element in forming meaningfulrelationships, understanding the
emotional state of others.
However, not everyone finds iteasy to show empathy.
(05:12):
Understanding why some peoplestruggle with empathy can help us
approach them with morecompassion and patience.
Whether it's due to a lack ofearly exposure to empathy, difficult
connecting with their ownemotions, experiences of emotional
overwhelm, a tendency tooveranalyze, or a fear of vulnerability,
(05:33):
these barriers are oftenunconscious and deeply ingrained.
By recognizing these factors,we can create spaces where empathy
can be nurtured and developed,helping everyone to connect more
deeply with themselves andwith others.
So in this episode, we'regoing to explore why some people
struggle with empathy, delvinginto the psychological, emotional
(05:55):
and experiential factors thatmay contribute to this challenge.
By understanding thesereasons, we can approach those who
struggle with empathy withmore compassion and insight.
I'm then going to provide somepractical tips to help you expand
your ability to show empathy.
So let's look at the reasonswhy people struggle to show empathy.
(06:15):
First is lack of exposure toempathy in childhood.
This is one of the mostSignificant reasons that people struggle
to show empathy that theyhaven't been shown empathy or compassion
themselves, particularly intheir formative years.
If a child's parent orcaregivers didn't model empathetic
behaviour, perhaps being morefocused on discipline or practicality
(06:39):
than on emotional connection,the child may grow up without a strong
foundation in understanding orexpressing empathy.
Sarah grew up in a householdwhere emotions were rarely discussed.
Her parents were primarilypractical, factual and logic orientated,
often dismissing emotionaldisplays as weaknesses.
If she was angry, sad orafraid as a child, they would tell
(07:03):
her to stop being silly.
When she was sick, they toldher to just get on with it and that
life's hard and you just needto go to school and get on with things,
even if you're physically struggling.
When she was a teenager anddisplayed her emotions, they told
her that she was a drama queenand not to be so dramatic.
Sarah learned that displayingemotions isn't a positive experience.
(07:26):
She wasn't given any empathyand now she doesn't know how to give
that to her partner.
When her friends share theirfeelings with her, she doesn't know
what to respond with.
She prefers to escape andavoid emotional conversations.
She doesn't know how tosupport them.
It's not out of a lack ofcaring, but she simply doesn't know
(07:47):
how to handle or deal withother people sharing their emotional
pain.
And she definitely isn't ableor wasn't able until we started working
together to offer empathy.
This was causing problems inher romantic relationship as well.
When her partner Samuelexpressed his emotions, she found
(08:09):
herself saying the same thingsthat her parents would say to her,
like cheer up or it's not thatbad or let's have a drink and watch
a movie that will take yourmind off it.
Samuel felt dismissed when shedid that and he tried to explain
to her many times what heneeded, but it wasn't getting through.
So they came for couplescommunication and empathy sessions
(08:31):
to turn things around.
It's really obvious when youthink about it.
How can you give someonesomething that you've never been
given or you don't even knowwhat it is?
Key was helping Sarah tounderstand empathy and how to feel
comfortable and safe beingwith her own emotions and then with
others emotions.
(08:52):
Another common barrier toempathy is difficulty connecting
with one's own emotions.
If someone struggles toidentify or process their own feelings,
they'll naturally have aharder time relating to the emotions
of others.
This disconnection can stemfrom various sources such as past
trauma, cultural norms thatdiscourage emotional expression or
personal tendencies towardsemotional Suppression.
(09:14):
John had a strict upbringingwhere his parents viewed feelings
as irrelevant distractions,like a nuisance that they didn't
want to deal with.
As a result of this andanother traumatic bullying incident,
he learned to suppress hisfeelings, focusing on logical analysis
and problem solving.
(09:35):
He would often say, I don't do emotions.
He avoided deep conversationsas he didn't understand how to respond.
In his relationship, he oftenappears detached or uninterested
when his partner expresses emotions.
Not because he doesn't care,but because he finds it difficult
(09:55):
to connect emotionally evenwith himself.
Through working together, werealized that when people close to
him express their emotion, heblocks it out.
He feels numb, often he feels nothing.
He had learned to do this withhis own emotions and he is able to
do this with others emotions.
In fact, John was able toblock any feeling if he wanted to.
(10:20):
And so in my individualBreakthrough program, we explored
where that came from.
When did he learn as a copingmechanism to just block out other
people's emotions or his ownemotions and go numb?
Well, it went back to when hewas six years old.
He was walking with his eightyear old sister on the way back from
the park and some teenagerspulled a knife on them and asked
(10:44):
them to strip naked, whichthey both did.
And then the kids ran away.
He felt shame, humiliation,anger, fear and guilt for not standing
up for his sister.
Ever since then, he sawhimself as weak and attacked himself
for being a coward.
It was indeed a breakthroughfor him as he was able to see why
(11:08):
and when he decided emotionswere too much to handle and blocked
them.
Of course, to a six year old,such a traumatic experience with
so many intense mixed emotionswas too much to cope with.
Him and his sister never saidanything to anyone and never spoke
about it again, whichhighlights another trauma, that he
(11:28):
was already detached and notclose enough to his parents to tell
them or trust that tellingthem would help or be safe.
He couldn't remember why hedidn't tell them specifically about
that event when we talkedabout it.
But he shared that he knewfrom a young age not to talk to them
about his feelings or needsbecause they didn't understand or
support him.
(11:49):
Whenever we feel unable totalk about our experiences as a child,
when we don't feel comfortabletalking to a parent, it highlights
a disconnection in therelationship that on some level we
know we can't quite trust ourparents with the information or we
(12:11):
need to protect them.
And we've already gone into aslight role reversal in some respects
where as children we're tryingto protect and care for the emotions
of our parents.
Some children hold backbecause they don't want to burden
or upset their parents.
And this as I mentioned,reflects that role reversal where
(12:34):
the child senses that theymust take care of their parents emotional
well being.
And there's so many peoplethat go through that and don't realize
that that is a form of traumafor a child.
Because handling life's upsand downs and struggles as a child
is a massive deal and it takeson a massive emotional toll.
(12:54):
And in such cases, theunspoken message that the child receives
is that they're responsiblefor helping their parents rather
than the other way around.
So that's the second reasonwhy some people find it difficult
to show empathy because ofprevious trauma and events where
(13:15):
they learnt to block, to numband to avoid emotions of others.
And one similar, the third oneis an emotional overwhelm and shutdown.
And this often comes from whenpeople have been overwhelmed by someone
else's emotions, leading themto shut down emotionally as a defense
(13:36):
mechanism.
So it's very similar to theone we've just talked about.
And this could stem from aparent who was very emotional, very
angry parent, a very sadparent, a very depressed or anxious
worried parent.
And if you go through thatwhen you're young, you may need to
as a survival to shut down.
(13:58):
Because as a child trying tocope with such emotions in others
is really difficult.
We know how difficult it is tomanage our emotions now as adults
imagine that's like 50 timesmore intense for a child who doesn't
have the life experiences,doesn't have their, their brain fully
developed and doesn't havethat emotional life understanding.
(14:23):
And who can't just takethemselves out and go and get some
help or put themselves in anew environment.
They don't have the power orthe, the knowledge to say, right,
I need some time exercising orin the garden or to listen to a meditation.
They don't have any tools, sothat's why it's so intense.
And that's why our childhoodaffects us so much now as adults.
(14:44):
Also it can be in adultrelationships as well.
It doesn't have to be in childhood.
An adult seeing another adultin emotional distress on a regular
basis can also be regular,really overwhelming.
So in order to handle it, oursubconscious mind can block and shut
down our emotions and ourresponses in order to survive and
(15:07):
also to ignore and blockothers, which is what we just talked
about.
In fact, it's believed thatone of the causes of ADHD is where
a child feels so overwhelmed,so unsafe, so doesn't want to be
in their body, that theyescape into their mind and distract
and daydream as a way to avoidand a way to escape.
(15:31):
And it can cause people toalso disassociate with their emotions,
disassociate or not feel.
And this can be a realstruggle for couples in a relationship
where a partner can easily gointo another place, disassociate
from their body, disassociatefrom the situation, and escape into
(15:52):
their mind, or just tocompletely go blank.
Blocking out intense emotionsis definitely a form of self protection.
And in adult relationships, ifsomeone has been blamed for another
person's emotional reactions,they may unconsciously close down
to avoid conflict or furtheremotional burden.
(16:13):
Emily's mother was oftenemotionally volatile, swinging between
anger and deep sadness.
As a child, Emily learned toshut down emotionally to protect
herself from her mother'sunpredictable moods.
She would tune out when hermother was emotional, forgetting
what her mother was saying andfound herself thinking and daydreaming
(16:33):
often.
At school, she was known asthe daydreamer and often got into
trouble for not paying attention.
Now, as an adult, she finds itdifficult to show empathy to her
husband or others.
She doesn't know what to saywhen people share how they feel great
or how they feel really bad.
She doesn't feel comfortabletalking about emotional things.
(16:55):
When her husband shares abouthow frustrated or worried he is about
something, her mind would justgo blank.
She would sit there and stareat the floor when he spoke, looking
at her feet.
It was almost as though ittook her right back to being a child.
When where she tried to escapeby looking at the floor and hoped
to be somewhere else.
(17:16):
I helped her to firstunderstand and have compassion for
her automatic responses.
These were coping mechanismsto disassociate when she felt overwhelmed
by emotion.
Having a depressed oraggressive mother as a child is a
lot to handle and it was asurvival strategy because the emotions
were too painful for her tocarry at that age.
(17:37):
However, to realize that nowshe is safe, she doesn't need to
escape emotions, she doesn'tneed to escape her husband's emotions.
And after doing some healingwork on releasing the childhood trauma,
we then focused on how toexpress empathy, what to say, what
people in general often needwhen they open up, and how to stay
(18:00):
present, how to make thatperson feel safe.
Then we went through some morespecific situations that occurred
with her husband and shelearned how to validate his emotions,
how to stay in the present,how to give him her presence, eye
contact, care, attention, howto come from the heart and the confidence
(18:21):
to say that she didn't knowwhat to say in certain situations
when she didn't, and to becomfortable with that, sometimes
that's the best thing you cansay to people is really sorry, but
I'm, I'm not sure what to sayin this moment.
And then she was also had theconfidence to ask a few questions
and if she felt overwhelmed,to ask for a few moments to breathe
or to take a short break.
(18:43):
When the feelings of overwhelmwere triggered.
Emily really wanted to be supportive.
And before now she had feltthat there was something wrong with
her.
She felt like she wasdefective when it came to emotions
and expressing herself.
And now with the right toolsand understanding and releasing that
(19:03):
past pain, she's easily ablenow to, to give and to show her husband
that empathy.
And the fourth reason thatpeople struggle to express empathy
is because they're coming froma purely intellectual standpoint.
They're over analyzing the situation.
They're trying to show empathyby analyzing the situation logically,
(19:24):
thinking of the right thing tosay, offering practical solutions,
thinking about what they canoffer in a practical way to help
the person.
And whilst their intentionsare really caring and often positive,
the approach can come acrossas detached or like the person isn't
really feeling the other person.
(19:44):
And it can lack that emotionalwarmth that true empathy requires.
And again, this can be becausethe person is overwhelmed or they're
panicked.
When they hear emotions, theyfeel like the pressure's on them
to say the right thing, to dothe right thing, to fix it.
And sometimes it can be justbecause a person's natural way of
(20:07):
being is to think logical,factual, rational and to come up
with solutions.
And it might not be due to anypanic or overwhelmed with emotions,
just a way that a person thinks.
Dan is a natural problemsolver by nature.
And when his partner expressessadness, his first instinct is to
(20:29):
find the root cause and fix it.
He asks questions, offersadvice and tries to reason through
the problem.
However, his partner oftenfeels that Dan is not really listening
or understanding.
And Dan focuses on the logicsaying, okay, there's no reason to
feel this way because of thisand this.
And when he does that, hemisses the opportunity to connect
(20:52):
empathetically, leaving hispartner to feel unsupported.
He wanted to be more flexiblein his approach and so he wanted
to come to, to learn how to bemore empathetic because she was often
feeling uncared for or unlovedand emotionally unsupported.
And whilst it didn't comenatural to Dan, he realized, I've
(21:14):
got To change this and I wantto change this.
And also they were planning tohave children and he wanted to have
those skills so that he couldpass on this to his children and
be emotional with his children.
He, like John that Imentioned, said that he doesn't do
emotions and when we exploredit, he does actually do emotions.
(21:35):
But he was so used tosquashing his emotions down because
earlier on in life being angrygot him into a lot of trouble with
a willingness to learn and abit of coaching.
Dan can now support hisgirlfriend with her emotional highs
and lows and is beginning tosee the value of talking through
some of his stresses with her.
(21:56):
He actually is finding that heneeds emotional support, whereas
before he never thought thathe needed any form of emotional support.
Another reason that people canfear showing empathy is because they
have a fear of vulnerability.
Empathy requires a certainlevel of vulnerability.
(22:18):
It involves opening oneself upto another person's emotions, which
can be uncomfortable or even frightening.
For some people who fearvulnerability may shy away from showing
empathy because it requiresthem to lower their emotional defenses.
This fear can be rooted inpast experiences of betrayal, rejection
(22:39):
or emotional pain leading toan avoidance of deep emotional connections.
Or it can be witnessing a veryvulnerable person and being scared
to be like them.
Tom has always been cautiousabout letting people get too close.
He he's been hurt in the pastand as a result he has built up walls
around himself.
(23:00):
He doesn't ask for help from anyone.
As a self protectionmechanism, he has become needless,
which is okay for most areasof life.
It's okay to be selfsufficient and highly independent.
However, for true romanticintimacy, there does need to be some
vulnerability where you allowyour partner in.
(23:21):
Tom came to me because he wasstruggling to find a stable relationship.
He was attracted tounavailable women.
He enjoyed chasing them andwas so into these women until they
liked him back and then hewould instantly go off them and retreat.
He was too scared to beintimate and vulnerable, so he had
a string of short term relationships.
(23:42):
He longed for the deep connection.
He longed for a lasting,loving partner.
But he was so afraid of it, soafraid of commitment, that he kept
running.
And while he cares deeplyabout people, his fear of being vulnerable,
being seen, fear of beingabandoned, was preventing him from
not only showing empathy, butalso from having meaningful relationships.
(24:06):
Expressing emotions andshowing empathy are vital for building
strong and healthy relationships.
For those who struggle withthese skills, there are more practical
tips that I'm going to sharewith you now to help you become more
comfortable and effective insharing your feelings and empathising
with your partner.
So the first tip is tounderstand your emotions yourself.
(24:31):
So take time to reflect.
Reflect on your own feelings.
Ask yourself questions likehow am I feeling right now?
And what might have causedthese feelings?
Journaling can also be anamazing way to help you explore and
understand your emotions.
Another tool is mindfulness practices.
So engaging in mindfulnesspractices such as meditation or deep
(24:53):
breathing exercises, evenwalking mindfully, these can help
you to become more aware ofyour emotions as they arise.
Another important thing thatyou can do to help you is to identify
triggers.
Notice what situations orinteractions tend to trigger certain
emotions.
Perhaps a work email thatcomes in from your boss, perhaps
(25:16):
you may feel stressed or anxious.
Or having a message sent toyou by a loved one with lots of heartfelt
words and emojis might makeyou feel elevated, seen, happy.
So understanding your triggersand your perceptions, your emotions,
(25:37):
can help you to anticipate andmanage your reactions, as well as
to have that deeper level of understanding.
And another thing that you cando to help you express empathy and
to understand your ownemotions is to expand your own emotional
vocabulary by learning andusing new words to describe your
(25:57):
feelings.
This can help you toarticulate your emotions more clearly
and as well as interpret thosethat you care about.
So if you get my RelationshipReconnect Toolkit, which is available
to download on my website, inthere there is a list of 100 different
feeling words.
So you can look at that andyou can think, okay, what am I feeling
today?
And you can look at the listand get to really understand, okay,
(26:20):
what emotion is it?
Because there's so much moreemotions than you know.
Anger, sadness, fear, hurt, guilt.
There's so many.
And so this can really.
If you know those big emotionsthat we all know about aren't really
how you feel, then this can bereally, really good.
And it can be a good learningtool, especially if there's words
that your partner's saying andyou're not really sure how you feel
(26:43):
about them, or you're notsurely sure you understand them,
then you can research them as well.
So it's available in myRelationship Reconnect toolkit, which
you can go to the gifts pageon my website and download.
Also in that toolkit are toolsfor how to reconne how to avoid the
silent treatment.
There's conversation prompts,there's connection tools, other communication
(27:07):
tools, and it's absolutely free.
So go there and download that.
If you've already downloadedit and you've already got access
to my Relationship ReconnectToolkit, you will find now that this
100 different feeling wordshas been added inside the Relationship
Toolkit membership area.
So when you click into thetoolkit you'll see a heading hundred
(27:29):
different feeling words andyou can go and use that to enhance
your expressions.
Another thing that you can doif you do find it difficult to express
your emotions is to startreally small.
Begin by sharing your feelingsin low stake situations.
For example, talk about how amovie made you feel or your reactions
(27:51):
to a book you're reading.
Another tip in expressing youremotions is to use I statements when
expressing your emotions.
You can say I feel upset whenthis happens instead of you make
me upset.
When you use ICE statements,you're more connected to your feelings.
You're taking ownership foryour feelings.
When expressing emotions isalso good to be honest and direct.
(28:14):
Being honest about yourfeelings direct in your communication,
not expecting your partner toguess how you're feeling, to guess
what you're wanting.
This can make it confusing.
In fact, one of the biggesttroubles that I see a lot of relationships
get into is after beingtogether for a while, people expect
their partner to know whatthey need, how they feel, and it's
(28:37):
a recipe for disaster becausewe all have 70,000 thoughts a day
going through our head.
Some people more and if you'rehaving 70,000 thoughts a day of your
own thoughts, and 90% of ourown thoughts are on repeat, the likelihood
of you knowing what yourpartner needs, what your partner's
(28:58):
thinking, what your partner'swanting you to do, and say how they
want you to be, it's justreally unrealistic.
So even though it might betiring expressing ourselves or asking
for things, it's really important.
Practice active listening as well.
Showing that you're listeningto your partner's feelings, really
important.
This can encourage them to bemore open and creating a more balanced
(29:21):
exchange.
So really listening and nottrying to fix, as we mentioned, and
really trying to understand.
And active listening is whereyou're really focusing on their words,
reflecting on what you hearand responding thoughtfully.
So you can always say, let metake a moment to think about that.
And if it's a really big thingthat your partners have shared to
(29:42):
you, just say, I really don'tknow what to say.
I'm gonna need to think about this.
And that's perfectly fine.
It's perfectly a good thing to do.
I have to do that sometimesbecause I'm an introvert and I like
to think about things andprocess things and I can't respond
straight away.
I'm like, well, let me justthink about what you've said there
and I'll come back to you.
(30:04):
I think that's being authentic.
And as long as you do go backto the person, that's the key.
If you're just trying to avoidand then you don't bring it up again
because you're scared orbecause you, you don't want to go
there or because you forget,then your partner is going to get
really hurt.
So if you do pause to reflector you do say that you need time,
make sure that you decide whenyou're going to talk to them about
(30:26):
it again and follow through onthat, you take the lead in initiating
that conversation back Empathyskills is about putting yourself
in the other person's shoes.
So I recommend trying toimagine how your partner feels, how
would you feel if that samething happened?
And trying to also putyourself in their shoes and think,
(30:47):
okay, how would they feel?
Knowing what you know aboutthem, what might they be experiencing?
What might they be thinking?
What might they might be feeling?
And this mental exercise canenhance your empathetic understanding.
Also ask questions.
Show interest in yourpartner's feelings by asking open
ended questions like how didthat make you feel?
(31:10):
What was that experience likefor you?
Taking time to reallyunderstand why a person feels a certain
way is a great way of showingyou care and then validating feelings,
acknowledging your partner'semotions without judgment, saying
phrases like I can understandwhy you feel that way or yeah, it's
totally natural and okay tofeel like that or I'd feel that way
(31:35):
too if that happened to me ifI was in your situation.
These can be very validating.
When we feel validated, wefeel understood, we feel cared for
and we feel important.
And this fosters connection.
You can also demonstrateempathy through small gestures, compassionate
gestures like a comfortinghug, a kind note, or simply being
(31:59):
there for somebody, simplyholding their hand, sitting there
with so I'm going to sharewith you today a few exercises that
you can do to practice yourempathy skills and hopefully deepen
your connection.
So one is the emotionalsharing exercise.
So sharing an emotion each day.
So choose a calm time eachday, perhaps after dinner or before
bed.
(32:19):
Set aside five to 10 minutesand share one significant feeling
that you felt that day.
Encourage your partner to dothe same and share their own experience
right after.
Allowing space for each otherto express your feelings without
interruption or any judgmentor any attempt to fix.
Could be something like I feelreally worried today because I've
(32:43):
got a really important meetingtomorrow and I'm not prepared for
it and so I'm feeling, yeah,just anxious and stressed about,
is the meeting gonna go okay tomorrow?
And I've kind of been feelingit on and off all day when I think
about it.
In fact, I can feel it nowwhen I'm talking to you about it.
(33:03):
You could say something like that.
And this is really goodbecause the partner can really listen,
give you that eye contact,practice that act of listening, maybe
hold your hand orcompassionately just, you know, make
a gesture so that you feltheard and listened to and then letting
(33:23):
each other respond.
So it's one expressing,practicing the emotion and also practicing
the empathetic response,listening and responding.
And this can help you bothfeel more comfortable in sharing
emotions in this safe way.
The fact that it's in aroutine where, you know, okay, this
is our time where I can bevulnerable and I know you're going
(33:44):
to listen and not be on yourphone or not walk away or try and
fix it because we'repracticing empathy.
So that can really help.
And if you feel, okay, Nicola,that sounds a bit cringy to sit there
and do this exercise everyday, then I would challenge you and
say, well, if you really wantto build your connection and you
really want to emotionallysupport each other, then, you know,
(34:06):
put yourself out of yourcomfort zone and make it a habit.
Although some people do say,okay, it's not sustainable long term.
And okay, I get that.
But if you're really keen toexpand your skills, then maybe you
could just make a pact with yourself.
Like, I'm going to express myemotions to three people today, or
when people express theiremotions to me, I'm not going to
give any advice, I'm not goingto give any practical tools.
(34:30):
I'm just going to listen andexpress to them that I understand
what they're going through orI can, I want to understand what
they're going through and Ican feel what they're feeling.
So you can make that a pactwith yourself if you don't want to
have a, a set time every day.
Another exercise that youcould do, which I really love, is
(34:51):
taking on each other's day,like swapping routines, swapping
daily responsibilities.
Often a lot of couples arguebecause they feel like they're doing
more in the relationship ortheir tasks are harder in the relationship
or their partner doesn'tunderstand how difficult it is to
maybe get the children readyfor school, or they don't understand
(35:12):
how tiring it is to do all thefinancial admin or cooking all the
meals for the whole week,buying all the food, preparing all
the food, making sureeverybody has their different foods
that they like or how tohandle the in laws and things like
that.
So yeah, role playing in thisway, putting yourself in each other's
(35:33):
shoes practically can bring alot of awareness, a lot of insight.
It can really help theconnection and empathy.
It's quite difficult toexplain more exercises in this episode,
so if you want and enjoyexercises that you can do as a couple,
then definitely check out therelationship toolkit that I mentioned
earlier.
It's got plenty of exerciseswith simple instructions to help
(35:56):
you enhance yourcommunication, your connection and
have that really loving, close bond.
And when you focus on empathy,when you focus on compassion, when
you focus on emotionallysupporting one another, then many
people find that all areas oftheir relationship get better.
They give each other moreattention, their physical intimacy
(36:16):
gets closer and more engaging,more exciting and they have more
fun.
There's more peace in the home.
So never underestimate how farcompassionate listening and showing
empathy can really be.
So I hope you found somethinguseful in this episode today.
If you're considering a morepersonalized approach or even a couples
(36:40):
retreat to nurture yourrelationship, then feel free to check
out my website where you canlearn more about my programs, working
with me one to one and mycouples retreat.
Thank you so much for listening.
Wishing you an amazing week ahead.
From my heart to yours.
Take great care of yourselfand each other.
(37:06):
Dear listeners, today Icelebrate you.
You are among the few whoactively nurture their love journey.
It's an act of courage, an actof self love and if today's episode
resonated with you, be abeacon for others.
Subscribe, rate and Review.
Let's spread this love andwisdom far and wide.
(37:29):
Craving more?
Discover the freeresources@nicolabeer.com you can
also find the links to helpfulgifts in the show Notes.
Do also join our Relationshipand Wellness Facebook Group.
It's a haven where we uplift,support and journey together towards
richer, deeper love stories.
(37:50):
Remember, you have the powerto craft the love story you deserve.
Thank you for being with metoday and until next time.
Keep shining and loving withall your heart.
Friends, Isn't it fascinatinghow relationships bring us immense
joy but also profound heartache?
There are dance of emotionsyet how often do we truly, deeply,
consciously invest in therelationship we have with ourselves
and loved ones?
(00:25):
That investment, that time andthat energy is the most powerful
gift in you could ever bestowupon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us amanual on handling emotions and communication
challenges, we also weren'ttaught the art of building romantic
(00:45):
ties or how to deeply love andvalue ourselves.
But I'm here to share morelife affirming, relationship enhancing
wisdom with you all.
And now you can also find thistransformational content pouring
onto YouTube and Instagram.
Dive into the show Notes toconnect with all the magic.
(01:08):
Here's for growth, love andendless learning.
Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer and I'm goingto be talking to you today about
empathy how to show andexpress your empathy to enhance your
relationships Empathy is thecapacity to feel and understand another
person's emotions as if theywere your own.
(01:31):
It involves connecting tosomeone's emotional state on a deeper
level, allowing you to sensewhat they might be experiencing emotionally
and respond with compassion.
Unlike cognitive empathy whichfocuses on intellectually understanding
someone's perspective,emotional empathy requires tuning
in to their feelings in anauthentic, heart centered way.
(01:54):
This type of empathy enables aperson to to share in both the joy
and pain of others, oftenfostering a sense of closeness and
trust.
Emotional empathy is afundamental building block in building
strong relationships as itallows people to feel genuinely seen,
supported and valued.
(02:14):
It's important to rememberthat empathy is not just about understanding
someone's feelingsintellectually, it's about connecting
with them emotionally.
For example, you mayunderstand why someone is feeling
unsafe intellectually, butstruggle to show them that you truly
get what they are experiencing.
The natural adult reactionwhen seeing someone in distress might
(02:36):
be to immediately try to helpthem out of their situation.
This is where a lot of couplesend up creating distance and disconnection
where one person shares theiremotions and the other has a tendency
to go in and want to fix theproblem or issue or to help fix the
person and this can bridge agap and make communication feel unsafe.
(02:58):
As no one wants to be fixed,we want to be understood and shown
love and care.
We seek not only to be heard,but to be felt, to be understood
and need our emotions to bevalidated, witnessed and cared about.
Often what happens in a lot ofcouples that I see is one person
is speaking from their heartand looking for a heartfelt reply
(03:22):
back and their partnerresponds from their mind, and this
creates a disconnect.
This happens when a personfeels pressured to give the right
answer, or doesn't feelcomfortable with emotional expression,
or isn't in tune with their emotions.
So they get stuck analyzingwhat to say and then come from a
place of intellect or anxietyin their mind.
(03:45):
A simplistic way of looking atthis is to just imagine that an adult
is in front of you indistress, crying, upset.
And the instinct when you seean adult in distress lying on the
floor is to go over, pull themup, say to them what's wrong, offer
some practical solutions,trying to fix the situation.
(04:06):
However, what that personneeds, especially from someone that
they love and care about, thatthey're being vulnerable in front
of, is for you to not just tryand get them to pull them up or intellectually
try and help them, but tofirst of all, lie down on the floor
with them and show them, I'mhere for you.
I'm here to go through whatemotions you're going through.
(04:27):
I see you.
This is often what we really need.
So it's a heart to heartcommunication rather than a heart
to head communication.
So rather than trying to pullsomeone out of their uncomfortable
feelings, the best way is toshow empathy and to support them
and to sit or lie in it withthem to offer your presence and understanding
(04:50):
before you offer your hand tohelp them up.
This act of joining someone intheir emotional state is the essence
of empathy.
Empathy is often seen as afundamental human trait, an essential
element in forming meaningfulrelationships, understanding the
emotional state of others.
However, not everyone finds iteasy to show empathy.
(05:12):
Understanding why some peoplestruggle with empathy can help us
approach them with morecompassion and patience.
Whether it's due to a lack ofearly exposure to empathy, difficult
connecting with their ownemotions, experiences of emotional
overwhelm, a tendency tooveranalyze, or a fear of vulnerability,
(05:33):
these barriers are oftenunconscious and deeply ingrained.
By recognizing these factors,we can create spaces where empathy
can be nurtured and developed,helping everyone to connect more
deeply with themselves andwith others.
So in this episode, we'regoing to explore why some people
struggle with empathy, delvinginto the psychological, emotional
(05:55):
and experiential factors thatmay contribute to this challenge.
By understanding thesereasons, we can approach those who
struggle with empathy withmore compassion and insight.
I'm then going to provide somepractical tips to help you expand
your ability to show empathy.
So let's look at the reasonswhy people struggle to show empathy.
(06:15):
First is lack of exposure toempathy in childhood.
This is one of the mostSignificant reasons that people struggle
to show empathy that theyhaven't been shown empathy or compassion
themselves, particularly intheir formative years.
If a child's parent orcaregivers didn't model empathetic
behaviour, perhaps being morefocused on discipline or practicality
(06:39):
than on emotional connection,the child may grow up without a strong
foundation in understanding orexpressing empathy.
Sarah grew up in a householdwhere emotions were rarely discussed.
Her parents were primarilypractical, factual and logic orientated,
often dismissing emotionaldisplays as weaknesses.
If she was angry, sad orafraid as a child, they would tell
(07:03):
her to stop being silly.
When she was sick, they toldher to just get on with it and that
life's hard and you just needto go to school and get on with things,
even if you're physically struggling.
When she was a teenager anddisplayed her emotions, they told
her that she was a drama queenand not to be so dramatic.
Sarah learned that displayingemotions isn't a positive experience.
(07:26):
She wasn't given any empathyand now she doesn't know how to give
that to her partner.
When her friends share theirfeelings with her, she doesn't know
what to respond with.
She prefers to escape andavoid emotional conversations.
She doesn't know how tosupport them.
It's not out of a lack ofcaring, but she simply doesn't know
(07:47):
how to handle or deal withother people sharing their emotional
pain.
And she definitely isn't ableor wasn't able until we started working
together to offer empathy.
This was causing problems inher romantic relationship as well.
When her partner Samuelexpressed his emotions, she found
(08:09):
herself saying the same thingsthat her parents would say to her,
like cheer up or it's not thatbad or let's have a drink and watch
a movie that will take yourmind off it.
Samuel felt dismissed when shedid that and he tried to explain
to her many times what heneeded, but it wasn't getting through.
So they came for couplescommunication and empathy sessions
(08:31):
to turn things around.
It's really obvious when youthink about it.
How can you give someonesomething that you've never been
given or you don't even knowwhat it is?
Key was helping Sarah tounderstand empathy and how to feel
comfortable and safe beingwith her own emotions and then with
others emotions.
(08:52):
Another common barrier toempathy is difficulty connecting
with one's own emotions.
If someone struggles toidentify or process their own feelings,
they'll naturally have aharder time relating to the emotions
of others.
This disconnection can stemfrom various sources such as past
trauma, cultural norms thatdiscourage emotional expression or
personal tendencies towardsemotional Suppression.
(09:14):
John had a strict upbringingwhere his parents viewed feelings
as irrelevant distractions,like a nuisance that they didn't
want to deal with.
As a result of this andanother traumatic bullying incident,
he learned to suppress hisfeelings, focusing on logical analysis
and problem solving.
(09:35):
He would often say, I don't do emotions.
He avoided deep conversationsas he didn't understand how to respond.
In his relationship, he oftenappears detached or uninterested
when his partner expresses emotions.
Not because he doesn't care,but because he finds it difficult
(09:55):
to connect emotionally evenwith himself.
Through working together, werealized that when people close to
him express their emotion, heblocks it out.
He feels numb, often he feels nothing.
He had learned to do this withhis own emotions and he is able to
do this with others emotions.
In fact, John was able toblock any feeling if he wanted to.
(10:20):
And so in my individualBreakthrough program, we explored
where that came from.
When did he learn as a copingmechanism to just block out other
people's emotions or his ownemotions and go numb?
Well, it went back to when hewas six years old.
He was walking with his eightyear old sister on the way back from
the park and some teenagerspulled a knife on them and asked
(10:44):
them to strip naked, whichthey both did.
And then the kids ran away.
He felt shame, humiliation,anger, fear and guilt for not standing
up for his sister.
Ever since then, he sawhimself as weak and attacked himself
for being a coward.
It was indeed a breakthroughfor him as he was able to see why
(11:08):
and when he decided emotionswere too much to handle and blocked
them.
Of course, to a six year old,such a traumatic experience with
so many intense mixed emotionswas too much to cope with.
Him and his sister never saidanything to anyone and never spoke
about it again, whichhighlights another trauma, that he
(11:28):
was already detached and notclose enough to his parents to tell
them or trust that tellingthem would help or be safe.
He couldn't remember why hedidn't tell them specifically about
that event when we talkedabout it.
But he shared that he knewfrom a young age not to talk to them
about his feelings or needsbecause they didn't understand or
support him.
(11:49):
Whenever we feel unable totalk about our experiences as a child,
when we don't feel comfortabletalking to a parent, it highlights
a disconnection in therelationship that on some level we
know we can't quite trust ourparents with the information or we
(12:11):
need to protect them.
And we've already gone into aslight role reversal in some respects
where as children we're tryingto protect and care for the emotions
of our parents.
Some children hold backbecause they don't want to burden
or upset their parents.
And this as I mentioned,reflects that role reversal where
(12:34):
the child senses that theymust take care of their parents emotional
well being.
And there's so many peoplethat go through that and don't realize
that that is a form of traumafor a child.
Because handling life's upsand downs and struggles as a child
is a massive deal and it takeson a massive emotional toll.
(12:54):
And in such cases, theunspoken message that the child receives
is that they're responsiblefor helping their parents rather
than the other way around.
So that's the second reasonwhy some people find it difficult
to show empathy because ofprevious trauma and events where
(13:15):
they learnt to block, to numband to avoid emotions of others.
And one similar, the third oneis an emotional overwhelm and shutdown.
And this often comes from whenpeople have been overwhelmed by someone
else's emotions, leading themto shut down emotionally as a defense
(13:36):
mechanism.
So it's very similar to theone we've just talked about.
And this could stem from aparent who was very emotional, very
angry parent, a very sadparent, a very depressed or anxious
worried parent.
And if you go through thatwhen you're young, you may need to
as a survival to shut down.
(13:58):
Because as a child trying tocope with such emotions in others
is really difficult.
We know how difficult it is tomanage our emotions now as adults
imagine that's like 50 timesmore intense for a child who doesn't
have the life experiences,doesn't have their, their brain fully
developed and doesn't havethat emotional life understanding.
(14:23):
And who can't just takethemselves out and go and get some
help or put themselves in anew environment.
They don't have the power orthe, the knowledge to say, right,
I need some time exercising orin the garden or to listen to a meditation.
They don't have any tools, sothat's why it's so intense.
And that's why our childhoodaffects us so much now as adults.
(14:44):
Also it can be in adultrelationships as well.
It doesn't have to be in childhood.
An adult seeing another adultin emotional distress on a regular
basis can also be regular,really overwhelming.
So in order to handle it, oursubconscious mind can block and shut
down our emotions and ourresponses in order to survive and
(15:07):
also to ignore and blockothers, which is what we just talked
about.
In fact, it's believed thatone of the causes of ADHD is where
a child feels so overwhelmed,so unsafe, so doesn't want to be
in their body, that theyescape into their mind and distract
and daydream as a way to avoidand a way to escape.
(15:31):
And it can cause people toalso disassociate with their emotions,
disassociate or not feel.
And this can be a realstruggle for couples in a relationship
where a partner can easily gointo another place, disassociate
from their body, disassociatefrom the situation, and escape into
(15:52):
their mind, or just tocompletely go blank.
Blocking out intense emotionsis definitely a form of self protection.
And in adult relationships, ifsomeone has been blamed for another
person's emotional reactions,they may unconsciously close down
to avoid conflict or furtheremotional burden.
(16:13):
Emily's mother was oftenemotionally volatile, swinging between
anger and deep sadness.
As a child, Emily learned toshut down emotionally to protect
herself from her mother'sunpredictable moods.
She would tune out when hermother was emotional, forgetting
what her mother was saying andfound herself thinking and daydreaming
(16:33):
often.
At school, she was known asthe daydreamer and often got into
trouble for not paying attention.
Now, as an adult, she finds itdifficult to show empathy to her
husband or others.
She doesn't know what to saywhen people share how they feel great
or how they feel really bad.
She doesn't feel comfortabletalking about emotional things.
(16:55):
When her husband shares abouthow frustrated or worried he is about
something, her mind would justgo blank.
She would sit there and stareat the floor when he spoke, looking
at her feet.
It was almost as though ittook her right back to being a child.
When where she tried to escapeby looking at the floor and hoped
to be somewhere else.
(17:16):
I helped her to firstunderstand and have compassion for
her automatic responses.
These were coping mechanismsto disassociate when she felt overwhelmed
by emotion.
Having a depressed oraggressive mother as a child is a
lot to handle and it was asurvival strategy because the emotions
were too painful for her tocarry at that age.
(17:37):
However, to realize that nowshe is safe, she doesn't need to
escape emotions, she doesn'tneed to escape her husband's emotions.
And after doing some healingwork on releasing the childhood trauma,
we then focused on how toexpress empathy, what to say, what
people in general often needwhen they open up, and how to stay
(18:00):
present, how to make thatperson feel safe.
Then we went through some morespecific situations that occurred
with her husband and shelearned how to validate his emotions,
how to stay in the present,how to give him her presence, eye
contact, care, attention, howto come from the heart and the confidence
(18:21):
to say that she didn't knowwhat to say in certain situations
when she didn't, and to becomfortable with that, sometimes
that's the best thing you cansay to people is really sorry, but
I'm, I'm not sure what to sayin this moment.
And then she was also had theconfidence to ask a few questions
and if she felt overwhelmed,to ask for a few moments to breathe
or to take a short break.
(18:43):
When the feelings of overwhelmwere triggered.
Emily really wanted to be supportive.
And before now she had feltthat there was something wrong with
her.
She felt like she wasdefective when it came to emotions
and expressing herself.
And now with the right toolsand understanding and releasing that
(19:03):
past pain, she's easily ablenow to, to give and to show her husband
that empathy.
And the fourth reason thatpeople struggle to express empathy
is because they're coming froma purely intellectual standpoint.
They're over analyzing the situation.
They're trying to show empathyby analyzing the situation logically,
(19:24):
thinking of the right thing tosay, offering practical solutions,
thinking about what they canoffer in a practical way to help
the person.
And whilst their intentionsare really caring and often positive,
the approach can come acrossas detached or like the person isn't
really feeling the other person.
(19:44):
And it can lack that emotionalwarmth that true empathy requires.
And again, this can be becausethe person is overwhelmed or they're
panicked.
When they hear emotions, theyfeel like the pressure's on them
to say the right thing, to dothe right thing, to fix it.
And sometimes it can be justbecause a person's natural way of
(20:07):
being is to think logical,factual, rational and to come up
with solutions.
And it might not be due to anypanic or overwhelmed with emotions,
just a way that a person thinks.
Dan is a natural problemsolver by nature.
And when his partner expressessadness, his first instinct is to
(20:29):
find the root cause and fix it.
He asks questions, offersadvice and tries to reason through
the problem.
However, his partner oftenfeels that Dan is not really listening
or understanding.
And Dan focuses on the logicsaying, okay, there's no reason to
feel this way because of thisand this.
And when he does that, hemisses the opportunity to connect
(20:52):
empathetically, leaving hispartner to feel unsupported.
He wanted to be more flexiblein his approach and so he wanted
to come to, to learn how to bemore empathetic because she was often
feeling uncared for or unlovedand emotionally unsupported.
And whilst it didn't comenatural to Dan, he realized, I've
(21:14):
got To change this and I wantto change this.
And also they were planning tohave children and he wanted to have
those skills so that he couldpass on this to his children and
be emotional with his children.
He, like John that Imentioned, said that he doesn't do
emotions and when we exploredit, he does actually do emotions.
(21:35):
But he was so used tosquashing his emotions down because
earlier on in life being angrygot him into a lot of trouble with
a willingness to learn and abit of coaching.
Dan can now support hisgirlfriend with her emotional highs
and lows and is beginning tosee the value of talking through
some of his stresses with her.
(21:56):
He actually is finding that heneeds emotional support, whereas
before he never thought thathe needed any form of emotional support.
Another reason that people canfear showing empathy is because they
have a fear of vulnerability.
Empathy requires a certainlevel of vulnerability.
(22:18):
It involves opening oneself upto another person's emotions, which
can be uncomfortable or even frightening.
For some people who fearvulnerability may shy away from showing
empathy because it requiresthem to lower their emotional defenses.
This fear can be rooted inpast experiences of betrayal, rejection
(22:39):
or emotional pain leading toan avoidance of deep emotional connections.
Or it can be witnessing a veryvulnerable person and being scared
to be like them.
Tom has always been cautiousabout letting people get too close.
He he's been hurt in the pastand as a result he has built up walls
around himself.
(23:00):
He doesn't ask for help from anyone.
As a self protectionmechanism, he has become needless,
which is okay for most areasof life.
It's okay to be selfsufficient and highly independent.
However, for true romanticintimacy, there does need to be some
vulnerability where you allowyour partner in.
(23:21):
Tom came to me because he wasstruggling to find a stable relationship.
He was attracted tounavailable women.
He enjoyed chasing them andwas so into these women until they
liked him back and then hewould instantly go off them and retreat.
He was too scared to beintimate and vulnerable, so he had
a string of short term relationships.
(23:42):
He longed for the deep connection.
He longed for a lasting,loving partner.
But he was so afraid of it, soafraid of commitment, that he kept
running.
And while he cares deeplyabout people, his fear of being vulnerable,
being seen, fear of beingabandoned, was preventing him from
not only showing empathy, butalso from having meaningful relationships.
(24:06):
Expressing emotions andshowing empathy are vital for building
strong and healthy relationships.
For those who struggle withthese skills, there are more practical
tips that I'm going to sharewith you now to help you become more
comfortable and effective insharing your feelings and empathising
with your partner.
So the first tip is tounderstand your emotions yourself.
(24:31):
So take time to reflect.
Reflect on your own feelings.
Ask yourself questions likehow am I feeling right now?
And what might have causedthese feelings?
Journaling can also be anamazing way to help you explore and
understand your emotions.
Another tool is mindfulness practices.
So engaging in mindfulnesspractices such as meditation or deep
(24:53):
breathing exercises, evenwalking mindfully, these can help
you to become more aware ofyour emotions as they arise.
Another important thing thatyou can do to help you is to identify
triggers.
Notice what situations orinteractions tend to trigger certain
emotions.
Perhaps a work email thatcomes in from your boss, perhaps
(25:16):
you may feel stressed or anxious.
Or having a message sent toyou by a loved one with lots of heartfelt
words and emojis might makeyou feel elevated, seen, happy.
So understanding your triggersand your perceptions, your emotions,
(25:37):
can help you to anticipate andmanage your reactions, as well as
to have that deeper level of understanding.
And another thing that you cando to help you express empathy and
to understand your ownemotions is to expand your own emotional
vocabulary by learning andusing new words to describe your
(25:57):
feelings.
This can help you toarticulate your emotions more clearly
and as well as interpret thosethat you care about.
So if you get my RelationshipReconnect Toolkit, which is available
to download on my website, inthere there is a list of 100 different
feeling words.
So you can look at that andyou can think, okay, what am I feeling
today?
And you can look at the listand get to really understand, okay,
(26:20):
what emotion is it?
Because there's so much moreemotions than you know.
Anger, sadness, fear, hurt, guilt.
There's so many.
And so this can really.
If you know those big emotionsthat we all know about aren't really
how you feel, then this can bereally, really good.
And it can be a good learningtool, especially if there's words
that your partner's saying andyou're not really sure how you feel
(26:43):
about them, or you're notsurely sure you understand them,
then you can research them as well.
So it's available in myRelationship Reconnect toolkit, which
you can go to the gifts pageon my website and download.
Also in that toolkit are toolsfor how to reconne how to avoid the
silent treatment.
There's conversation prompts,there's connection tools, other communication
(27:07):
tools, and it's absolutely free.
So go there and download that.
If you've already downloadedit and you've already got access
to my Relationship ReconnectToolkit, you will find now that this
100 different feeling wordshas been added inside the Relationship
Toolkit membership area.
So when you click into thetoolkit you'll see a heading hundred
(27:29):
different feeling words andyou can go and use that to enhance
your expressions.
Another thing that you can doif you do find it difficult to express
your emotions is to startreally small.
Begin by sharing your feelingsin low stake situations.
For example, talk about how amovie made you feel or your reactions
(27:51):
to a book you're reading.
Another tip in expressing youremotions is to use I statements when
expressing your emotions.
You can say I feel upset whenthis happens instead of you make
me upset.
When you use ICE statements,you're more connected to your feelings.
You're taking ownership foryour feelings.
When expressing emotions isalso good to be honest and direct.
(28:14):
Being honest about yourfeelings direct in your communication,
not expecting your partner toguess how you're feeling, to guess
what you're wanting.
This can make it confusing.
In fact, one of the biggesttroubles that I see a lot of relationships
get into is after beingtogether for a while, people expect
their partner to know whatthey need, how they feel, and it's
(28:37):
a recipe for disaster becausewe all have 70,000 thoughts a day
going through our head.
Some people more and if you'rehaving 70,000 thoughts a day of your
own thoughts, and 90% of ourown thoughts are on repeat, the likelihood
of you knowing what yourpartner needs, what your partner's
(28:58):
thinking, what your partner'swanting you to do, and say how they
want you to be, it's justreally unrealistic.
So even though it might betiring expressing ourselves or asking
for things, it's really important.
Practice active listening as well.
Showing that you're listeningto your partner's feelings, really
important.
This can encourage them to bemore open and creating a more balanced
(29:21):
exchange.
So really listening and nottrying to fix, as we mentioned, and
really trying to understand.
And active listening is whereyou're really focusing on their words,
reflecting on what you hearand responding thoughtfully.
So you can always say, let metake a moment to think about that.
And if it's a really big thingthat your partners have shared to
(29:42):
you, just say, I really don'tknow what to say.
I'm gonna need to think about this.
And that's perfectly fine.
It's perfectly a good thing to do.
I have to do that sometimesbecause I'm an introvert and I like
to think about things andprocess things and I can't respond
straight away.
I'm like, well, let me justthink about what you've said there
and I'll come back to you.
(30:04):
I think that's being authentic.
And as long as you do go backto the person, that's the key.
If you're just trying to avoidand then you don't bring it up again
because you're scared orbecause you, you don't want to go
there or because you forget,then your partner is going to get
really hurt.
So if you do pause to reflector you do say that you need time,
make sure that you decide whenyou're going to talk to them about
(30:26):
it again and follow through onthat, you take the lead in initiating
that conversation back Empathyskills is about putting yourself
in the other person's shoes.
So I recommend trying toimagine how your partner feels, how
would you feel if that samething happened?
And trying to also putyourself in their shoes and think,
(30:47):
okay, how would they feel?
Knowing what you know aboutthem, what might they be experiencing?
What might they be thinking?
What might they might be feeling?
And this mental exercise canenhance your empathetic understanding.
Also ask questions.
Show interest in yourpartner's feelings by asking open
ended questions like how didthat make you feel?
(31:10):
What was that experience likefor you?
Taking time to reallyunderstand why a person feels a certain
way is a great way of showingyou care and then validating feelings,
acknowledging your partner'semotions without judgment, saying
phrases like I can understandwhy you feel that way or yeah, it's
totally natural and okay tofeel like that or I'd feel that way
(31:35):
too if that happened to me ifI was in your situation.
These can be very validating.
When we feel validated, wefeel understood, we feel cared for
and we feel important.
And this fosters connection.
You can also demonstrateempathy through small gestures, compassionate
gestures like a comfortinghug, a kind note, or simply being
(31:59):
there for somebody, simplyholding their hand, sitting there
with so I'm going to sharewith you today a few exercises that
you can do to practice yourempathy skills and hopefully deepen
your connection.
So one is the emotionalsharing exercise.
So sharing an emotion each day.
So choose a calm time eachday, perhaps after dinner or before
bed.
(32:19):
Set aside five to 10 minutesand share one significant feeling
that you felt that day.
Encourage your partner to dothe same and share their own experience
right after.
Allowing space for each otherto express your feelings without
interruption or any judgmentor any attempt to fix.
Could be something like I feelreally worried today because I've
(32:43):
got a really important meetingtomorrow and I'm not prepared for
it and so I'm feeling, yeah,just anxious and stressed about,
is the meeting gonna go okay tomorrow?
And I've kind of been feelingit on and off all day when I think
about it.
In fact, I can feel it nowwhen I'm talking to you about it.
(33:03):
You could say something like that.
And this is really goodbecause the partner can really listen,
give you that eye contact,practice that act of listening, maybe
hold your hand orcompassionately just, you know, make
a gesture so that you feltheard and listened to and then letting
(33:23):
each other respond.
So it's one expressing,practicing the emotion and also practicing
the empathetic response,listening and responding.
And this can help you bothfeel more comfortable in sharing
emotions in this safe way.
The fact that it's in aroutine where, you know, okay, this
is our time where I can bevulnerable and I know you're going
(33:44):
to listen and not be on yourphone or not walk away or try and
fix it because we'repracticing empathy.
So that can really help.
And if you feel, okay, Nicola,that sounds a bit cringy to sit there
and do this exercise everyday, then I would challenge you and
say, well, if you really wantto build your connection and you
really want to emotionallysupport each other, then, you know,
(34:06):
put yourself out of yourcomfort zone and make it a habit.
Although some people do say,okay, it's not sustainable long term.
And okay, I get that.
But if you're really keen toexpand your skills, then maybe you
could just make a pact with yourself.
Like, I'm going to express myemotions to three people today, or
when people express theiremotions to me, I'm not going to
give any advice, I'm not goingto give any practical tools.
(34:30):
I'm just going to listen andexpress to them that I understand
what they're going through orI can, I want to understand what
they're going through and Ican feel what they're feeling.
So you can make that a pactwith yourself if you don't want to
have a, a set time every day.
Another exercise that youcould do, which I really love, is
(34:51):
taking on each other's day,like swapping routines, swapping
daily responsibilities.
Often a lot of couples arguebecause they feel like they're doing
more in the relationship ortheir tasks are harder in the relationship
or their partner doesn'tunderstand how difficult it is to
maybe get the children readyfor school, or they don't understand
(35:12):
how tiring it is to do all thefinancial admin or cooking all the
meals for the whole week,buying all the food, preparing all
the food, making sureeverybody has their different foods
that they like or how tohandle the in laws and things like
that.
So yeah, role playing in thisway, putting yourself in each other's
(35:33):
shoes practically can bring alot of awareness, a lot of insight.
It can really help theconnection and empathy.
It's quite difficult toexplain more exercises in this episode,
so if you want and enjoyexercises that you can do as a couple,
then definitely check out therelationship toolkit that I mentioned
earlier.
It's got plenty of exerciseswith simple instructions to help
(35:56):
you enhance yourcommunication, your connection and
have that really loving, close bond.
And when you focus on empathy,when you focus on compassion, when
you focus on emotionallysupporting one another, then many
people find that all areas oftheir relationship get better.
They give each other moreattention, their physical intimacy
(36:16):
gets closer and more engaging,more exciting and they have more
fun.
There's more peace in the home.
So never underestimate how farcompassionate listening and showing
empathy can really be.
So I hope you found somethinguseful in this episode today.
If you're considering a morepersonalized approach or even a couples
(36:40):
retreat to nurture yourrelationship, then feel free to check
out my website where you canlearn more about my programs, working
with me one to one and mycouples retreat.
Thank you so much for listening.
Wishing you an amazing week ahead.
From my heart to yours.
Take great care of yourselfand each other.
(37:06):
Dear listeners, today Icelebrate you.
You are among the few whoactively nurture their love journey.
It's an act of courage, an actof self love and if today's episode
resonated with you, be abeacon for others.
Subscribe, rate and Review.
Let's spread this love andwisdom far and wide.
(37:29):
Craving more?
Discover the freeresources@nicolabeer.com you can
also find the links to helpfulgifts in the show Notes.
Do also join our Relationshipand Wellness Facebook Group.
It's a haven where we uplift,support and journey together towards
richer, deeper love stories.
(37:50):
Remember, you have the powerto craft the love story you deserve.
Thank you for being with metoday and until next time.
Keep shining and loving withall your heart.
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Iâm Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and Iâm so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood youâre able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and lifeâs ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them weâve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I donât take it for granted â click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I canât wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com