January 10, 2025 • 34 mins
In this episode, Nicola Beer explores the link between attachment styles and infidelity, revealing how understanding attachment theory can help you make sense of betrayal and begin the healing process. Discover the emotional patterns behind cheating and the exact infidelity recovery steps to rebuild trust, restore connection, and protect your relationship from future harm.
Download free healing tools mentioned in the episode — including the Affair Recovery Masterclass, Betrayed Breakthrough Pack, and Relationship Reconnect Toolkit — all at
www.nicolabeer.com/gift
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Episode Transcript
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(00:04):
Friends.
Isn't it fascinating howrelationships bring us immense joy
but also profound heartache?
There are dance of emotionsyet how often do we truly, deeply,
consciously invest in therelationship we have with ourselves
and loved ones?
(00:25):
That investment, that time andthat energy is the most powerful
gift in you could ever bestowupon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us amanual on handling emotions and communication
challenges, we also weren'ttaught the art of building romantic
(00:45):
ties or how to deeply love andvalue ourselves.
But I'm here to share morelife affirming, relationship enhancing
wisdom with you all.
And now you can also find thistransformational content pouring
onto YouTube and Instagram.
Dive into the show Notes toconnect with all the magic.
(01:08):
Here's for growth, love andendless learning.
Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer and today I'mgoing to be talking about infidelity
and Attachment stylesUnderstanding the Link to Relationship
Betrayal and CheatingAttachment styles profoundly shape
how we form and maintainrelationships, influencing our trust,
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intimacy and communication patterns.
When these attachment stylesare insecure, such as anxious, avoidant
or disorganized, they cancreate vulnerabilities in relationships,
including the risk ofinfidelity or emotional betrayal.
By understanding the dynamicsof attachment, we can better recognise
patterns that contribute torelationship breakdowns and take
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steps to rebuild trust and security.
Attachment theory explains howearly experiences with our caregivers
shape our pattern of relatingto others.
These patterns persist intoadulthood, influencing how we navigate
intimacy, conflict andemotional closeness.
There are four primaryattachment styles.
One Secure attachment,characterized by trust, comfort with
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intimacy, confident emotionalexpression, and effective communication.
Then there's the anxiousattachment, marked by fear of abandonment,
clinginess, neediness and overdependence on reassurance, needing
and seeking validation.
Then there's the avoidantattachment, defined by discomfort
with too much closeness andthey withdraw emotionally and they
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prioritise independence.
And then lastly there'sdisorganized attachment, which is
a mix of both anxious andavoidant tendencies, often stemming
from unresolved trauma,leading to chaotic and inconsistent
relationship patterns.
So they really want arelationship, they really want to
be close and to be loved.
And then when they get a bitclose, when they feel that connection,
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they want to withdraw, theywant to protect themselves and they
go into avoidance.
So they're avoidant andanxious in the same relationship.
You might want to check out myother podcast on attachment styles
to go deeper into these typesif you haven't already and want to
learn more about them.
So now let's look at how theinsecure attachment styles anxious,
avoidant and disorganized areparticularly prone to creating relationship
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challenges that may contributeto infidelity cheating, whether that's
sexual, emotional or Internet betrayal.
So I'll start by talking HowAnxiously attached individuals engage
in Infidelity Anxiouslyattached individuals often have a
far deeper fear of abandonmentand rejection, which drives many
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of their behaviours and relationships.
This fear can manifest in waysthat make them vulnerable to infidelity,
whether emotional or physical.
Their actions are typicallynot about a lack of love for their
partner, but rather adesperate attempt to soothe their
insecurities, feel validatedor regain a sense of control over
their emotions.
When I work with cheaters touncover the root of their patterns
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of both lying and cheating, itoften comes down to these factors.
1.
Using the infidelity tocompensate for feelings of inadequacy
People with anxious attachmentoften struggle with self esteem and
feelings of worthiness.
When they perceive themselvesas not being enough for their partner,
they may seek validation fromothers to feel desirable and valued.
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For example, if their partneris busy with work and seems emotionally
distant, an anxiously attachedindividual might interpret this as
a sign that they are no longerloved attractive.
In such situations they mightseek out someone who gives them the
attention they feel thatthey're lacking and this attention
can temporarily soothe theirfeelings of inadequacy.
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But it doesn't address theroot of their insecurities, often
leading to a cycle of guilt,shame and further relationship strain.
They also can engage incheating even when their partner
shows them love and attention.
Time and time again, men andwomen come to me to understand their
cheating because they're verymuch in love with their partner.
They don't want anyone elseand they do feel that their partner
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is there for them.
But because they don't feelgood enough in themselves, they seek
out attention to distractthemselves from their own uncomfortable
feelings.
The cheating then becomes anescape and all forms of escapism
can be addictive.
Anxiously attached individualstend to be highly sensitive to perceived
neglect.
Even minor changes in theirpartner's behaviour, such as fewer
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affectionate texts or touches,a delay in responding can trigger
intense feelings of rejection.
For instance, imagine someonein a long term relationship where
their partner has recentlybecome preoccupied with a demanding
project at work or where thecouple have just had a baby.
The anxiously attached personmight misinterpret their partner's
focus on work or the baby as alack of interest in them or the relationship.
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Feeling emotionally starved,they might turn to a colleague or
friend who offers a listeningear and comforting attention leading
to an emotional or evenphysical affair, or a person might
go on a dating app and startchatting to strangers to fill the
emptiness or void that theymay be experiencing.
I mentioned about a project atwork or couples having a baby because
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this is quite common.
And also our life events suchas a parent being sick and a lot
of time and energy focusing onthat parent and trying to help that
parent or another familymember that's unwell.
And also triathlons wherepeople take on extreme sporting events,
could be an ironman, that kindof thing.
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And when a person in therelationship takes on another focus,
if the other person has ananxious attachment, subconsciously,
they may feel rejected, notneeded, not important.
That feels awful.
It feels awful to feelunwanted, rejected, neglected.
And so they seek out otherpeople to help them to feel better
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about themselves.
Now, of course, the otherperson is just doing what they love
and they need support andattention as well.
And often the couples justaren't really talking about how the
relationship dynamic ischanging, what they both need, their
expectations, and how to gothrough these difficult periods together.
The reason I'm mentioning thisis because so many people who are
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struggling to get over theirpartner's affair, they're not only
struggling to get over it, butalso the timing of it.
Why was it when I was goingthrough such a difficult time, why
was it happening when I waspregnant or looking after the baby,
or going through my dad'sillness and funeral?
All of these things.
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And that's what can makehealing from an affair even harder.
If you don't understand whatwhat was going on, if you don't get
to the root of the behavior,if you don't take the time to really
explore how and why thishappened so you can protect your
relationship in the future.
And also not only protect yourrelationship, but also work on yourself.
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Have freedom from thesepatterns that may have been there
for a long time that areholding you back and bringing your
energy down.
So I'm going to talk now aboutboundaries in relationships.
One thing I've noticed aboutpeople with an anxious attachment,
they really struggle withboundary setting because of the fear
of rejection.
And this often makes themprioritise pleasing others over protecting
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themselves and their relationships.
This lack of boundaries canmake them more susceptible to engaging
in behaviors that they later regret.
For example, an anxiouslyattached individual might find themselves
in a situation where where aco worker begins to flirt with them
instead of setting a clear boundary.
They may feel flattered andallow the interaction to escalate
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because it temporarily easestheir insecurity about being wanted.
They may rationalize theirbehaviour as harmless while Crossing
emotional or physical linesthat jeopardize their primary relationship.
This not only can lead tocheating behavior, it can also lead
to people staying in an affairthey don't really want to be in.
It might sound strange tosomeone who doesn't have an anxious
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or disorganized attachmenttype, but many people in these groups
can fear ending relationships,fear rejecting people, so they somehow
go along with things, hopingthat things will change.
By themselves, they don't havethe confidence to end the affair
or to say no that they don'twant this.
Sophie, a 32 year oldmarketing professional, has been
in a relationship with herpartner James for four years.
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James is a supportive partner,but his recent promotion at work
requires long hours and lotsof travel, leaving Sophie feeling
neglected.
She notices that he's not asquick to respond to her texts and
seems preoccupied when they're together.
Like he's there but he's notfully there.
Feeling unimportant andunloved, Sophie grows increasingly
anxious.
Her thoughts spiral into self doubt.
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Is he losing interest in me?
Maybe I'm not attractive tohim anymore.
Perhaps he doesn't want to bewith me but doesn't have the confidence
to tell me?
Perhaps he's met someone else.
To soothe her fears, Sophiestarts confiding in a male co worker,
Ryan, about her feelings ofloneliness and how hard it is that
James is working away.
During COVID they weretogether all the time.
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But now that James isn'taround as much, she doesn't feel
safe or secure.
She worries about therelationship a lot of the time.
Ryan wants to make her feel better.
He compliments her, he offersher the emotional support that she
craves.
He's attentive and as theirconversations deepen, Sophie begins
to rely on Ryan for validation.
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They exchange late nightmessages and spend more time together.
During lunch breaks.
Though the relationshipremains non physical, Sophie feels
a rush of excitement andreassurance when Ryan pays attention
to her.
She opens up to Ryan more thanshe does to James.
Ryan is also in arelationship, so they know it won't
go anywhere, but they reallyenjoy being there for each other.
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Eventually, James finds outabout the texts and feels betrayed,
leading to a significantbreakdown in their relationship.
So if this resonates with you,it's important to break that cycle.
For anxiously attachedindividuals, addressing these tendencies
requires self awareness andintentional effort.
And here are some steps.
So first, recognize the triggers.
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Sophie could reflect on thesituations that triggered her feelings
of insecurity, James, workcommitments and understand that they
weren't necessarily signs of neglect.
Then 2.
Communicate needs.
Openly discussing her feelingswith James rather than seeking comfort
from Ryan could have provideda healthier way to address her emotional
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needs.
Set boundaries.
Sophie could establishboundaries to ensure her interactions
with Ryan remain professional,protecting her primary relationship.
Of course it's good to havefriends, but it's important to be
really careful with who you'resharing your relationship problems
or challenges with.
It can create a rescuer energythat can lead to emotional intimacy.
And then four Work on yourself worth.
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Developing a sense of selfworth, confidence independent of
external validation can helpanxiously attached individuals feel
secure even when their partnerisn't immediately available to reassure
them.
For individuals with anxiousattachment, infidelity often stems
from a place of fear and unmetemotional needs rather than malicious
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intent.
Understanding these underlyingdynamics and learning healthier ways
to manage insecurities canprevent these patterns from repeating.
By addressing the root causesand fostering open communication,
anxiously attached individualscan create more secure and fulfilling
relationships.
Then of course, rebuildingtrust needs to be done.
And the first step in this isworking on yourself.
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Because if you know you havethese patterns, these insecurities,
then it's so important to showyour partner that you're willing
to understand them, to get tothe root of them, to prevent them
from coming up again.
The first part of my affairrecovery program is helping the cheater
to explore the negativethoughts that they have about themselves,
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their relationship fears anddoubts and where these patterns come
from.
This can help them to clearlyknow why they've cheated.
And once we know that, we cancreate healthier ways to boost their
self esteem, feel secure anddesired, and healthier coping mechanisms
than seeking validation from outside.
So now let's talk about theavoidant attachment style and infidelity.
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Avoidantly attachedindividuals often struggle with emotional
closeness and intimacy,prioritising independence and self
reliance above all else.
Their discomfort withvulnerability can make them feel
overwhelmed or trapped inrelationships, leading to behaviours
that create distance fromtheir partners.
In some cases, infidelity,whether emotional or physical, can
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serve as a way to maintainthis emotional detachment or to escape
the demands of intimacy.
Avoidants often engage inaffairs to protect their sense of
control and autonomy, and theyavoid emotional vulnerability.
They may seek out sex workerswhere they can have sex without any
intimacy or attachment, orengage with multiple people at one
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time on dating apps.
Avoidantly attachedindividuals may find emotional intimacy
challenging because it makesthem feel exposed or dependent on
their partner.
When a relationship becomestoo close or too emotionally intense,
they might turn to infidelityas a way to create distance.
Engaging an affair allows themto shift their focus to a less emotionally
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demanding connection,providing an escape from the pressure
of their primary relationship.
For example, someone with anavoidant attachment style may begin
to feel stifled when theirpartner seeks deeper emotional engagement
such as frequent conversationsabout feelings or future plans.
Instead of addressing theirdiscomfort, the avoidant individual
might seek a connectionelsewhere, one that feels less emotionally
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burdensome and allows them toregain a sense of control.
Avoidantly attachedindividuals often find the novelty
of a new relationshipappealing because these connections
come with fewer expectationsand less emotional intensity.
Early stage interactions in anaffair might feel light, exciting
and free from vulnerabilitiesof a long term partnership, commitment
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and pressure.
This dynamic aligns with theirdesire to avoid emotional entanglement
while still fulfilling theirneed for human connection on their
terms.
For instance, an avoidantlyattached person might enjoy flirting
with a co worker or an acquaintance.
As these interactions feelcasual and fun, the lack of deep
emotional investment makesthem feel safe and they may even
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rationalize the affair asharmless or justified because it
doesn't involve the level ofcommitment or responsibility required
in their primary relationship.
They also may find themselvesin affairs where they know that there
won't be any future, such asmarried individuals with children
or sex workers.
Avoidantly attachedindividuals often have difficulty
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expressing their needs and fears.
Instead of discussing theirdiscomfort with their partner, they
may resort to avoidance or secrecy.
This lack of communication canlead to infidelity as a way to cope
with their internal struggleswithout confronting the complexities
of their primary relationship.
For example, if an avoidantindividual feels overwhelmed by their
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partner's complaints ordesires for more time together or
for more emotional supportduring a difficult time, they may
withdraw and seek solace in asecondary relationship.
Their secretive behaviourallows them to avoid difficult conversations
or emotional conflicts, evenif ultimately it damages the trust
in their main relationship.
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Philip, a 44 year oldprofessional, had been married to
his wife Shireen for 12 years.
Shireen is emotionallyexpressive and values deep connection,
frequently initiatingconversations about their feelings
and future.
Philip, however, finds thesediscussions uncomfortable and tends
to shut down or change thesubject over time.
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Shireen begins to expressfrustration, seeking more engagement
from Philip.
Feeling overwhelmed, Philipstarts to withdraw from their relationship.
He spends more time at theoffice, going out with friends and
decides to increase hisfitness levels and change his physique.
He's at the gym every day andforms casual relationships and friendships
with the people at the gym.
And then he met Layla at the gym.
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Layla is half Philip's age.
She's easygoing and enjoyssmall talk.
Their interactions are lighthearted and Philip feels A sense
of relief and freedom when hespends time with her without thinking
about it.
They end up spending more andmore time together, training and
then eating meals together.
After eventually theirfriendship turns into a physical
affair.
Philip is consumed with guiltand shame so ends up avoiding his
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wife even more.
He also becomes more secretivewhich causes Shireen to give him
an ultimatum, support heremotionally and show he cares or
to leave.
He then wakes up realisingthat he's been sabotaging his relationship
in so many different ways.
This isn't the first time he'scaused women to leave, but the first
time that he has cheated.
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He knows that he needs to domore work on himself to be more comfortable
with emotions and moreemotionally available for avoidantly
attached individuals.
Breaking the cycle ofinfidelity and avoidance requires
a combination of selfawareness, communication and a willingness
to confront discomfort.
If you find yourself in asimilar situation to Philip, here
are some of the steps that youcan take.
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First, acknowledge theemotional avoidance.
Philip needed to recognisethat his tendency to avoid vulnerability
and emotional connectioncontributed to his decision to engage
in an affair.
2.
Then communicate needsLearning to express his discomfort
with Shireen's emotionaldemands in a constructive way could
help Philip create a morebalanced dynamic in their relationship.
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Having the confidence to beable to express himself, to explain
himself was really powerfulfor him.
3.
Address fears of intimacyWorking through the fears and insecurities
that drive his avoidance ofemotions really help Philip.
He could see how his mother'soverly emotional reactions freaked
him out as a child and healways labeled himself as not an
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emotional person and as notbeing good with emotions.
And guess what happens whenyou tell yourself something time
and time again.
I'm not an emotional person,I'm not good with emotions.
Then you're going to blockyourself and then that's going to
become true.
It's going to become a selffulfilling prophecy.
So step by step I help Philipto become more comfortable with emotional
closeness, discussing what tosay and how to handle different emotions
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that Shireen displayed.
For example, we explored howto deal with anger, fear, sadness
differently, how to showempathy, when to offer a hug, when
to listen, how to respond, howto acknowledge and how to stay present
in the moment without shutting down.
And then Step four Settinghealthy boundaries Establishing clear
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boundaries with colleagues orfriends can prevent situations that
might lead to infidelity infections.
The future infidelity foravoidantly attached individuals often
arises from the desire toescape vulnerability and maintain
independence rather than alack of love or commitment.
Understanding the underlyingattachment dynamics can help these
individuals recognize theirpatterns and Develop healthier ways
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to navigate intimacy byaddressing their fears and learning
to communicate openly.
Avoidantly attachedindividuals can move towards secure
attachment create deeper, moremeaningful connections in their relationships.
Before I go into some tips andsolutions to help rebuild trust and
safety after infidelity, I'mgoing to talk about the last insecure
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attachment which is disorganised.
Disorganised attachment, oftenrooted in unresolved trauma or inconsistent
caregiving, leads to a complexand chaotic approach to relationships.
Individuals with thisattachment style experience a push
pull dynamic.
They crave closeness, butsimultaneously fear, rejection or
betrayal.
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This internal conflict cancreate impulsive or self sabotaging
behaviours, including infidelity.
Their actions are often not alack of love for their partner, but
rather an attempt to manageoverwhelming emotions and unmet attachment
needs.
Individuals with disorganizedattachment often live with heightened
fear of abandonment.
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This fear can make them hypervigilant in relationships, interpreting
even minor signs of distanceas impending rejection.
To preempt the perceivedthreat of being abandoned, they may
turn to infidelity as a way togain a sense of control.
For example, someone with adisorganized attachment style might
engage in an affair as asubconscious way to leave before
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being left, sometimes giving afalse sense of relief or power.
This behaviour temporarilyalleviates their anxiety and about
rejection, but creates furtherchaos in their relationships, reinforcing
their fear that closenessleads to pain.
Disorganized individuals oftenexperience relationships as unstable
or tumultuous and they mayfeel most alive in emotionally intense
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situations.
The secrecy, risk and passionof extramarital connections can provide
a heightened sense ofintensity that feels both exhilarating
and familiar, even if it'sharmful in the long term.
For instance, someone with adisorganized attachment might be
drawn to an affair partner whoprovides dramatic emotional highs
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and lows.
While this intensity mirrorsthe unpredictable dynamics that they
may have experienced inchildhood, it often leaves them feeling
more conflicted and unsettledin their primary relationship.
Early caregiving experiencesthat involve betrayal, neglect, inconsistency
often shape the relationalpatterns of individuals with disorganized
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attachment.
They may unconsciously createthese dynamics in their adult relationships,
including through infidelity.
For example, a person whosecaregiver was both a source of comfort
and then harm might findthemselves drawn to relationships
that replicate this duality.
This can lead them to engagein affairs, perpetuating cycles of
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mistrust and betrayal thatmirror early experiences.
These behaviours are oftendriven by unresolved trauma rather
than a conscious choice toharm their partner or themselves.
If you listen to my previouspodcast on Attachment Styles.
You hear my personal storythere of how I ended up having a
disorganized attachment styleand how it affected me.
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And now I'm going to talk toyou about a lady that I worked with
called Rachel.
Rachel, a 35 year old teacher,grew up in a household where her
mother was sometimes lovingand attentive and other times highly
critical and verballydismissive of her daughter.
Her mother expected herselfand Rachel to be perfect and always
commented that she should bedoing better than she was.
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As a result, Rachel developeda disorganized attachment style,
craving emotional intimacy butfearing the vulnerability it requires.
In her marriage to David,Rachel often feels conflicted.
She wants closeness butstruggles to trust that David won't
hurt her or abandon her.
When David becomes busy withwork and doesn't immediately notice
her feelings of insecurity,Rachel starts to spiral into anxiety.
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Seeking a way to cope with herfear of abandonment, Rachel begins
a flirtation with a former partner.
The connection quicklyescalates into an emotional affair,
giving Rachel the sense ofattention and control that she feels
is missing in her marriage.
When David discovers theaffair, Rachel feels ashamed and
overwhelmed, but she strugglesto explain her actions which are
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rooted in her unresolved fearsand insecurities.
For individuals withdisorganized attachment, breaking
free from the patterns ofinfidelity and self sabotage requires
addressing the underlyingtrauma and learning healthier ways
to manage the emotional conflict.
Here are some steps that youcan take.
First, acknowledge the traumaRachel needed to recognise how her
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unresolved childhoodexperiences drive her fears and her
behaviour in her relationships.
Then to build emotionalregulation skills.
Learning techniques to manageher anxiety and fear of abandonment
helped Rachel to avoidimpulsive actions like infidelity.
3.
Develop healthy communicationRachel had to work on expressing
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her emotional needs to Davidin a way that fosters understanding
and connection rather thanturning to external sources for validation.
And then five Seekingprofessional support.
Trauma informed therapy helpedRachel to process her past experiences,
heal from their effects anddevelop a more secure approach to
relationships.
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Infidelity in individuals withdisorganized attachment often stems
from a deep internal conflict,the simultaneous craving for connection
and fear of rejection.
While these behaviors cancause significant harm to relationships,
they are not insurmountable.
By addressing the traumaunderlying their attachment style
and learning healthier ways tonavigate emotional needs, individuals
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with disorganized attachmentcan break free from self sabotaging
patterns and move towardssecure and fulfilling relationships.
And I've not only witnessedthat helping hundreds of people to
move from an anxious,disorganized and avoidant attachment
style to secure attachment.
I've also lived it.
I had so many unhealthyrelationship patterns because of
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my childhood growing up with amother who was emotionally and physically
abusive and I managed toovercome that and change that.
So if you're listening to thisand feeling overwhelmed or concerned
that your relationship isn'tgoing to work out because of these
patterns, know that thesepatterns can be changed.
They do require a commitmentto look at yourself, to explore the
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past, to work with thesubconscious mind, and then also
to have compassion for yourself.
Because without compassion forourselves and understanding why we
are the way we are, it's verydifficult to heal and move forward.
Once you understand thesepatterns and triggers and coping
mechanisms, you can thendevelop healthier, stronger ways
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of being interacting.
Just like the examples thatI've given in this podcast with the
names and identifyingcharacteristics changed, of course.
So now let's move into how torebuild trust and intimacy following
Betrayal Infidelity andbetrayal don't have to mark the end
of a relationship.
With effort, understanding andprofessional support, couples can
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rebuild trust and create ahealthier, more secure connection.
Here, here are some strategiesfor moving forward.
First of all, understand theroot cause.
Both partners must explore theunderlying issues that led to the
betrayal.
This includes examining howattachment styles and personal insecurities
contributed to the dynamic self.
Awareness and accountabilityare critical first steps, then Rebuilding
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the communication.
Open, honest communication isessential for rebuilding trust.
Both partners should feel safeexpressing their feelings, needs
and concerns without fear ofjudgment or rejection.
Using I statements to expressemotion, for example I feel hurt
when can really be beneficial.
Practicing active listening toensure that both partners feel heard
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and understood.
In fact, the more couples talkafter an affair, the better.
Couples that try to put it ina box move forward without going
through what's happened andwhy it's happened and how you're
both feeling now.
Moving forward is a real mistake.
It's so important to talk itall through, to process it and clear
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it.
If we don't process ouremotions, our thoughts, our feelings,
they can get stuck and come upand hurt us later or hurt the relationship
later.
Then there's an agreement onboundaries and expectations.
Setting clear boundaries helpsto restore a sense of safety and
stability in the relationship.
Partners should discuss andagree on what constitutes trust and
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respect moving forward,ensuring that they both feel secure.
So some people might discusswhat to do about social media, for
example, or a certain person,and agree never to share their emotional
relationship problems with aperson of the opposite sex, for example.
So setting these boundariesand agreeing on Them, even if some
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of these boundaries may seemobvious, can really help the safety.
Then Seeking professionalsupport Find a professional that
you feel comfortable withbecause time and time again therapy
is most effective.
If you feel comfortable withthat person, you believe that that
person can help you and thatperson also believes that they can
help you.
Ideally, find someone thatspecialises in affair recovery and
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complex relationship dynamicsand ask them to focus on the solutions.
So many times couples willcome to me months or years after
the affair because becausethey didn't get the understanding
or closure that they neededfrom talking it through by themselves
or from traditional therapy oronline support groups.
They found it was focused moreon feelings and the story of what
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happened rather than solutions.
So you want a combination of both.
You need to go through thefeelings and process the feelings.
You need to set the boundariesand then you need solutions.
How to rebuild trust, how tobecome closer.
How to let it go.
Coping strategies to heal thewounds and let go of the resentment
and the hurt and the pain.
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Ideally you want someone thatcan see the whole full 360 degree
relationship that works withyou both individually and then together.
This avoids conflictingadvice, enables the person that you've
chosen to support you fullybecause they can see the full relationship
dynamic as a whole rather thantrying to guide you or by seeing
only part of it.
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It's also so important thatboth partners focus on personal development
and individual growth toaddress their own attachment related
behaviours.
This might include buildingself esteem and self awareness, developing
healthy coping mechanisms forstress and insecurity, Practicing
mindfulness or self soothingtechniques to regulate emotions.
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Then there's forgiveness and patience.
Healing takes time.
Both partners must be willingto forgive not only each other but
also themselves for the past mistakes.
Patience and commitment togrowth are essential for long term
success as well as a focus onmoving towards secure attachment.
While insecure attachmentstyles can contribute to betrayal,
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they are not permanent.
With effort and selfawareness, individuals can work towards
developing a more secureattachment style.
Secure attachments fostertrust, emotional availability and
healthy communication,creating a strong foundation for
lasting relationships.
I'm going to focus more on howto heal the attachment patterns and
have a secure attachment stylecoming up.
(31:55):
So do subscribe to the show soyou don't miss that if you're interested
in this topic.
Infidelity and betrayal arepainful experiences, but they also
present an opportunity for growth.
By understanding the role ofattachment styles, couples can break
free from destructive patternsand build a relationship that is
more resilient, fulfilling and secure.
To learn more about how torecover after an affair, check out
(32:18):
my Affair Recovery Masterclassthat explains in detail the steps
you need to take to rebuildtrust and safety in your relationship.
Go to nicolabeer.com and clickon the Gift page where you'll see
the Affair RecoveryMasterclass as well as my Affair
Recovery Pack, the Self Careand Confidence Toolkit and My Relationship
Reconnect Toolkit, allcompletely free to support you on
(32:40):
your journey to healthier,more wholesome relationships.
So from my heart to yours,wishing you an amazing week ahead.
Take great care of yourselfand each other.
Dear listeners, today Icelebrate you.
(33:02):
You are among the few whoactively nurture their love journey.
It's an act of courage, an actof self love and if today's episode
resonated with you, be abeacon for others.
Subscribe, rate and review.
Let's spread this love andwisdom far and wide.
Craving more?
(33:22):
Discover the freeresources@nicolabear.com you can
also find the links to helpfulgifts in the show Notes.
Do also join our Relationshipand Wellness Facebook group.
It's a haven where we uplift,support and journey together towards
richer, deeper love stories.
(33:42):
Remember, you have the powerto craft the love story you deserve.
Thank you for being with metoday and until next time, keep shining
and loving with all your heart.
Friends.
Isn't it fascinating howrelationships bring us immense joy
but also profound heartache?
There are dance of emotionsyet how often do we truly, deeply,
consciously invest in therelationship we have with ourselves
and loved ones?
(00:25):
That investment, that time andthat energy is the most powerful
gift in you could ever bestowupon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us amanual on handling emotions and communication
challenges, we also weren'ttaught the art of building romantic
(00:45):
ties or how to deeply love andvalue ourselves.
But I'm here to share morelife affirming, relationship enhancing
wisdom with you all.
And now you can also find thistransformational content pouring
onto YouTube and Instagram.
Dive into the show Notes toconnect with all the magic.
(01:08):
Here's for growth, love andendless learning.
Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer and today I'mgoing to be talking about infidelity
and Attachment stylesUnderstanding the Link to Relationship
Betrayal and CheatingAttachment styles profoundly shape
how we form and maintainrelationships, influencing our trust,
(01:30):
intimacy and communication patterns.
When these attachment stylesare insecure, such as anxious, avoidant
or disorganized, they cancreate vulnerabilities in relationships,
including the risk ofinfidelity or emotional betrayal.
By understanding the dynamicsof attachment, we can better recognise
patterns that contribute torelationship breakdowns and take
(01:51):
steps to rebuild trust and security.
Attachment theory explains howearly experiences with our caregivers
shape our pattern of relatingto others.
These patterns persist intoadulthood, influencing how we navigate
intimacy, conflict andemotional closeness.
There are four primaryattachment styles.
One Secure attachment,characterized by trust, comfort with
(02:14):
intimacy, confident emotionalexpression, and effective communication.
Then there's the anxiousattachment, marked by fear of abandonment,
clinginess, neediness and overdependence on reassurance, needing
and seeking validation.
Then there's the avoidantattachment, defined by discomfort
with too much closeness andthey withdraw emotionally and they
(02:37):
prioritise independence.
And then lastly there'sdisorganized attachment, which is
a mix of both anxious andavoidant tendencies, often stemming
from unresolved trauma,leading to chaotic and inconsistent
relationship patterns.
So they really want arelationship, they really want to
be close and to be loved.
And then when they get a bitclose, when they feel that connection,
(03:00):
they want to withdraw, theywant to protect themselves and they
go into avoidance.
So they're avoidant andanxious in the same relationship.
You might want to check out myother podcast on attachment styles
to go deeper into these typesif you haven't already and want to
learn more about them.
So now let's look at how theinsecure attachment styles anxious,
avoidant and disorganized areparticularly prone to creating relationship
(03:24):
challenges that may contributeto infidelity cheating, whether that's
sexual, emotional or Internet betrayal.
So I'll start by talking HowAnxiously attached individuals engage
in Infidelity Anxiouslyattached individuals often have a
far deeper fear of abandonmentand rejection, which drives many
(03:44):
of their behaviours and relationships.
This fear can manifest in waysthat make them vulnerable to infidelity,
whether emotional or physical.
Their actions are typicallynot about a lack of love for their
partner, but rather adesperate attempt to soothe their
insecurities, feel validatedor regain a sense of control over
their emotions.
When I work with cheaters touncover the root of their patterns
(04:07):
of both lying and cheating, itoften comes down to these factors.
1.
Using the infidelity tocompensate for feelings of inadequacy
People with anxious attachmentoften struggle with self esteem and
feelings of worthiness.
When they perceive themselvesas not being enough for their partner,
they may seek validation fromothers to feel desirable and valued.
(04:29):
For example, if their partneris busy with work and seems emotionally
distant, an anxiously attachedindividual might interpret this as
a sign that they are no longerloved attractive.
In such situations they mightseek out someone who gives them the
attention they feel thatthey're lacking and this attention
can temporarily soothe theirfeelings of inadequacy.
(04:49):
But it doesn't address theroot of their insecurities, often
leading to a cycle of guilt,shame and further relationship strain.
They also can engage incheating even when their partner
shows them love and attention.
Time and time again, men andwomen come to me to understand their
cheating because they're verymuch in love with their partner.
They don't want anyone elseand they do feel that their partner
(05:11):
is there for them.
But because they don't feelgood enough in themselves, they seek
out attention to distractthemselves from their own uncomfortable
feelings.
The cheating then becomes anescape and all forms of escapism
can be addictive.
Anxiously attached individualstend to be highly sensitive to perceived
neglect.
Even minor changes in theirpartner's behaviour, such as fewer
(05:34):
affectionate texts or touches,a delay in responding can trigger
intense feelings of rejection.
For instance, imagine someonein a long term relationship where
their partner has recentlybecome preoccupied with a demanding
project at work or where thecouple have just had a baby.
The anxiously attached personmight misinterpret their partner's
focus on work or the baby as alack of interest in them or the relationship.
(05:58):
Feeling emotionally starved,they might turn to a colleague or
friend who offers a listeningear and comforting attention leading
to an emotional or evenphysical affair, or a person might
go on a dating app and startchatting to strangers to fill the
emptiness or void that theymay be experiencing.
I mentioned about a project atwork or couples having a baby because
(06:19):
this is quite common.
And also our life events suchas a parent being sick and a lot
of time and energy focusing onthat parent and trying to help that
parent or another familymember that's unwell.
And also triathlons wherepeople take on extreme sporting events,
could be an ironman, that kindof thing.
(06:41):
And when a person in therelationship takes on another focus,
if the other person has ananxious attachment, subconsciously,
they may feel rejected, notneeded, not important.
That feels awful.
It feels awful to feelunwanted, rejected, neglected.
And so they seek out otherpeople to help them to feel better
(07:05):
about themselves.
Now, of course, the otherperson is just doing what they love
and they need support andattention as well.
And often the couples justaren't really talking about how the
relationship dynamic ischanging, what they both need, their
expectations, and how to gothrough these difficult periods together.
The reason I'm mentioning thisis because so many people who are
(07:26):
struggling to get over theirpartner's affair, they're not only
struggling to get over it, butalso the timing of it.
Why was it when I was goingthrough such a difficult time, why
was it happening when I waspregnant or looking after the baby,
or going through my dad'sillness and funeral?
All of these things.
(07:47):
And that's what can makehealing from an affair even harder.
If you don't understand whatwhat was going on, if you don't get
to the root of the behavior,if you don't take the time to really
explore how and why thishappened so you can protect your
relationship in the future.
And also not only protect yourrelationship, but also work on yourself.
(08:07):
Have freedom from thesepatterns that may have been there
for a long time that areholding you back and bringing your
energy down.
So I'm going to talk now aboutboundaries in relationships.
One thing I've noticed aboutpeople with an anxious attachment,
they really struggle withboundary setting because of the fear
of rejection.
And this often makes themprioritise pleasing others over protecting
(08:31):
themselves and their relationships.
This lack of boundaries canmake them more susceptible to engaging
in behaviors that they later regret.
For example, an anxiouslyattached individual might find themselves
in a situation where where aco worker begins to flirt with them
instead of setting a clear boundary.
They may feel flattered andallow the interaction to escalate
(08:51):
because it temporarily easestheir insecurity about being wanted.
They may rationalize theirbehaviour as harmless while Crossing
emotional or physical linesthat jeopardize their primary relationship.
This not only can lead tocheating behavior, it can also lead
to people staying in an affairthey don't really want to be in.
It might sound strange tosomeone who doesn't have an anxious
(09:12):
or disorganized attachmenttype, but many people in these groups
can fear ending relationships,fear rejecting people, so they somehow
go along with things, hopingthat things will change.
By themselves, they don't havethe confidence to end the affair
or to say no that they don'twant this.
Sophie, a 32 year oldmarketing professional, has been
in a relationship with herpartner James for four years.
(09:35):
James is a supportive partner,but his recent promotion at work
requires long hours and lotsof travel, leaving Sophie feeling
neglected.
She notices that he's not asquick to respond to her texts and
seems preoccupied when they're together.
Like he's there but he's notfully there.
Feeling unimportant andunloved, Sophie grows increasingly
anxious.
Her thoughts spiral into self doubt.
(09:57):
Is he losing interest in me?
Maybe I'm not attractive tohim anymore.
Perhaps he doesn't want to bewith me but doesn't have the confidence
to tell me?
Perhaps he's met someone else.
To soothe her fears, Sophiestarts confiding in a male co worker,
Ryan, about her feelings ofloneliness and how hard it is that
James is working away.
During COVID they weretogether all the time.
(10:19):
But now that James isn'taround as much, she doesn't feel
safe or secure.
She worries about therelationship a lot of the time.
Ryan wants to make her feel better.
He compliments her, he offersher the emotional support that she
craves.
He's attentive and as theirconversations deepen, Sophie begins
to rely on Ryan for validation.
(10:39):
They exchange late nightmessages and spend more time together.
During lunch breaks.
Though the relationshipremains non physical, Sophie feels
a rush of excitement andreassurance when Ryan pays attention
to her.
She opens up to Ryan more thanshe does to James.
Ryan is also in arelationship, so they know it won't
go anywhere, but they reallyenjoy being there for each other.
(11:01):
Eventually, James finds outabout the texts and feels betrayed,
leading to a significantbreakdown in their relationship.
So if this resonates with you,it's important to break that cycle.
For anxiously attachedindividuals, addressing these tendencies
requires self awareness andintentional effort.
And here are some steps.
So first, recognize the triggers.
(11:22):
Sophie could reflect on thesituations that triggered her feelings
of insecurity, James, workcommitments and understand that they
weren't necessarily signs of neglect.
Then 2.
Communicate needs.
Openly discussing her feelingswith James rather than seeking comfort
from Ryan could have provideda healthier way to address her emotional
(11:42):
needs.
Set boundaries.
Sophie could establishboundaries to ensure her interactions
with Ryan remain professional,protecting her primary relationship.
Of course it's good to havefriends, but it's important to be
really careful with who you'resharing your relationship problems
or challenges with.
It can create a rescuer energythat can lead to emotional intimacy.
And then four Work on yourself worth.
(12:04):
Developing a sense of selfworth, confidence independent of
external validation can helpanxiously attached individuals feel
secure even when their partnerisn't immediately available to reassure
them.
For individuals with anxiousattachment, infidelity often stems
from a place of fear and unmetemotional needs rather than malicious
(12:24):
intent.
Understanding these underlyingdynamics and learning healthier ways
to manage insecurities canprevent these patterns from repeating.
By addressing the root causesand fostering open communication,
anxiously attached individualscan create more secure and fulfilling
relationships.
Then of course, rebuildingtrust needs to be done.
And the first step in this isworking on yourself.
(12:46):
Because if you know you havethese patterns, these insecurities,
then it's so important to showyour partner that you're willing
to understand them, to get tothe root of them, to prevent them
from coming up again.
The first part of my affairrecovery program is helping the cheater
to explore the negativethoughts that they have about themselves,
(13:06):
their relationship fears anddoubts and where these patterns come
from.
This can help them to clearlyknow why they've cheated.
And once we know that, we cancreate healthier ways to boost their
self esteem, feel secure anddesired, and healthier coping mechanisms
than seeking validation from outside.
So now let's talk about theavoidant attachment style and infidelity.
(13:31):
Avoidantly attachedindividuals often struggle with emotional
closeness and intimacy,prioritising independence and self
reliance above all else.
Their discomfort withvulnerability can make them feel
overwhelmed or trapped inrelationships, leading to behaviours
that create distance fromtheir partners.
In some cases, infidelity,whether emotional or physical, can
(13:52):
serve as a way to maintainthis emotional detachment or to escape
the demands of intimacy.
Avoidants often engage inaffairs to protect their sense of
control and autonomy, and theyavoid emotional vulnerability.
They may seek out sex workerswhere they can have sex without any
intimacy or attachment, orengage with multiple people at one
(14:12):
time on dating apps.
Avoidantly attachedindividuals may find emotional intimacy
challenging because it makesthem feel exposed or dependent on
their partner.
When a relationship becomestoo close or too emotionally intense,
they might turn to infidelityas a way to create distance.
Engaging an affair allows themto shift their focus to a less emotionally
(14:34):
demanding connection,providing an escape from the pressure
of their primary relationship.
For example, someone with anavoidant attachment style may begin
to feel stifled when theirpartner seeks deeper emotional engagement
such as frequent conversationsabout feelings or future plans.
Instead of addressing theirdiscomfort, the avoidant individual
might seek a connectionelsewhere, one that feels less emotionally
(14:57):
burdensome and allows them toregain a sense of control.
Avoidantly attachedindividuals often find the novelty
of a new relationshipappealing because these connections
come with fewer expectationsand less emotional intensity.
Early stage interactions in anaffair might feel light, exciting
and free from vulnerabilitiesof a long term partnership, commitment
(15:19):
and pressure.
This dynamic aligns with theirdesire to avoid emotional entanglement
while still fulfilling theirneed for human connection on their
terms.
For instance, an avoidantlyattached person might enjoy flirting
with a co worker or an acquaintance.
As these interactions feelcasual and fun, the lack of deep
emotional investment makesthem feel safe and they may even
(15:42):
rationalize the affair asharmless or justified because it
doesn't involve the level ofcommitment or responsibility required
in their primary relationship.
They also may find themselvesin affairs where they know that there
won't be any future, such asmarried individuals with children
or sex workers.
Avoidantly attachedindividuals often have difficulty
(16:04):
expressing their needs and fears.
Instead of discussing theirdiscomfort with their partner, they
may resort to avoidance or secrecy.
This lack of communication canlead to infidelity as a way to cope
with their internal struggleswithout confronting the complexities
of their primary relationship.
For example, if an avoidantindividual feels overwhelmed by their
(16:26):
partner's complaints ordesires for more time together or
for more emotional supportduring a difficult time, they may
withdraw and seek solace in asecondary relationship.
Their secretive behaviourallows them to avoid difficult conversations
or emotional conflicts, evenif ultimately it damages the trust
in their main relationship.
(16:46):
Philip, a 44 year oldprofessional, had been married to
his wife Shireen for 12 years.
Shireen is emotionallyexpressive and values deep connection,
frequently initiatingconversations about their feelings
and future.
Philip, however, finds thesediscussions uncomfortable and tends
to shut down or change thesubject over time.
(17:07):
Shireen begins to expressfrustration, seeking more engagement
from Philip.
Feeling overwhelmed, Philipstarts to withdraw from their relationship.
He spends more time at theoffice, going out with friends and
decides to increase hisfitness levels and change his physique.
He's at the gym every day andforms casual relationships and friendships
with the people at the gym.
And then he met Layla at the gym.
(17:27):
Layla is half Philip's age.
She's easygoing and enjoyssmall talk.
Their interactions are lighthearted and Philip feels A sense
of relief and freedom when hespends time with her without thinking
about it.
They end up spending more andmore time together, training and
then eating meals together.
After eventually theirfriendship turns into a physical
affair.
Philip is consumed with guiltand shame so ends up avoiding his
(17:50):
wife even more.
He also becomes more secretivewhich causes Shireen to give him
an ultimatum, support heremotionally and show he cares or
to leave.
He then wakes up realisingthat he's been sabotaging his relationship
in so many different ways.
This isn't the first time he'scaused women to leave, but the first
time that he has cheated.
(18:10):
He knows that he needs to domore work on himself to be more comfortable
with emotions and moreemotionally available for avoidantly
attached individuals.
Breaking the cycle ofinfidelity and avoidance requires
a combination of selfawareness, communication and a willingness
to confront discomfort.
If you find yourself in asimilar situation to Philip, here
are some of the steps that youcan take.
(18:32):
First, acknowledge theemotional avoidance.
Philip needed to recognisethat his tendency to avoid vulnerability
and emotional connectioncontributed to his decision to engage
in an affair.
2.
Then communicate needsLearning to express his discomfort
with Shireen's emotionaldemands in a constructive way could
help Philip create a morebalanced dynamic in their relationship.
(18:55):
Having the confidence to beable to express himself, to explain
himself was really powerfulfor him.
3.
Address fears of intimacyWorking through the fears and insecurities
that drive his avoidance ofemotions really help Philip.
He could see how his mother'soverly emotional reactions freaked
him out as a child and healways labeled himself as not an
(19:16):
emotional person and as notbeing good with emotions.
And guess what happens whenyou tell yourself something time
and time again.
I'm not an emotional person,I'm not good with emotions.
Then you're going to blockyourself and then that's going to
become true.
It's going to become a selffulfilling prophecy.
So step by step I help Philipto become more comfortable with emotional
closeness, discussing what tosay and how to handle different emotions
(19:40):
that Shireen displayed.
For example, we explored howto deal with anger, fear, sadness
differently, how to showempathy, when to offer a hug, when
to listen, how to respond, howto acknowledge and how to stay present
in the moment without shutting down.
And then Step four Settinghealthy boundaries Establishing clear
(20:03):
boundaries with colleagues orfriends can prevent situations that
might lead to infidelity infections.
The future infidelity foravoidantly attached individuals often
arises from the desire toescape vulnerability and maintain
independence rather than alack of love or commitment.
Understanding the underlyingattachment dynamics can help these
individuals recognize theirpatterns and Develop healthier ways
(20:25):
to navigate intimacy byaddressing their fears and learning
to communicate openly.
Avoidantly attachedindividuals can move towards secure
attachment create deeper, moremeaningful connections in their relationships.
Before I go into some tips andsolutions to help rebuild trust and
safety after infidelity, I'mgoing to talk about the last insecure
(20:46):
attachment which is disorganised.
Disorganised attachment, oftenrooted in unresolved trauma or inconsistent
caregiving, leads to a complexand chaotic approach to relationships.
Individuals with thisattachment style experience a push
pull dynamic.
They crave closeness, butsimultaneously fear, rejection or
betrayal.
(21:06):
This internal conflict cancreate impulsive or self sabotaging
behaviours, including infidelity.
Their actions are often not alack of love for their partner, but
rather an attempt to manageoverwhelming emotions and unmet attachment
needs.
Individuals with disorganizedattachment often live with heightened
fear of abandonment.
(21:27):
This fear can make them hypervigilant in relationships, interpreting
even minor signs of distanceas impending rejection.
To preempt the perceivedthreat of being abandoned, they may
turn to infidelity as a way togain a sense of control.
For example, someone with adisorganized attachment style might
engage in an affair as asubconscious way to leave before
(21:48):
being left, sometimes giving afalse sense of relief or power.
This behaviour temporarilyalleviates their anxiety and about
rejection, but creates furtherchaos in their relationships, reinforcing
their fear that closenessleads to pain.
Disorganized individuals oftenexperience relationships as unstable
or tumultuous and they mayfeel most alive in emotionally intense
(22:13):
situations.
The secrecy, risk and passionof extramarital connections can provide
a heightened sense ofintensity that feels both exhilarating
and familiar, even if it'sharmful in the long term.
For instance, someone with adisorganized attachment might be
drawn to an affair partner whoprovides dramatic emotional highs
(22:33):
and lows.
While this intensity mirrorsthe unpredictable dynamics that they
may have experienced inchildhood, it often leaves them feeling
more conflicted and unsettledin their primary relationship.
Early caregiving experiencesthat involve betrayal, neglect, inconsistency
often shape the relationalpatterns of individuals with disorganized
(22:54):
attachment.
They may unconsciously createthese dynamics in their adult relationships,
including through infidelity.
For example, a person whosecaregiver was both a source of comfort
and then harm might findthemselves drawn to relationships
that replicate this duality.
This can lead them to engagein affairs, perpetuating cycles of
(23:14):
mistrust and betrayal thatmirror early experiences.
These behaviours are oftendriven by unresolved trauma rather
than a conscious choice toharm their partner or themselves.
If you listen to my previouspodcast on Attachment Styles.
You hear my personal storythere of how I ended up having a
disorganized attachment styleand how it affected me.
(23:36):
And now I'm going to talk toyou about a lady that I worked with
called Rachel.
Rachel, a 35 year old teacher,grew up in a household where her
mother was sometimes lovingand attentive and other times highly
critical and verballydismissive of her daughter.
Her mother expected herselfand Rachel to be perfect and always
commented that she should bedoing better than she was.
(23:58):
As a result, Rachel developeda disorganized attachment style,
craving emotional intimacy butfearing the vulnerability it requires.
In her marriage to David,Rachel often feels conflicted.
She wants closeness butstruggles to trust that David won't
hurt her or abandon her.
When David becomes busy withwork and doesn't immediately notice
her feelings of insecurity,Rachel starts to spiral into anxiety.
(24:22):
Seeking a way to cope with herfear of abandonment, Rachel begins
a flirtation with a former partner.
The connection quicklyescalates into an emotional affair,
giving Rachel the sense ofattention and control that she feels
is missing in her marriage.
When David discovers theaffair, Rachel feels ashamed and
overwhelmed, but she strugglesto explain her actions which are
(24:42):
rooted in her unresolved fearsand insecurities.
For individuals withdisorganized attachment, breaking
free from the patterns ofinfidelity and self sabotage requires
addressing the underlyingtrauma and learning healthier ways
to manage the emotional conflict.
Here are some steps that youcan take.
First, acknowledge the traumaRachel needed to recognise how her
(25:03):
unresolved childhoodexperiences drive her fears and her
behaviour in her relationships.
Then to build emotionalregulation skills.
Learning techniques to manageher anxiety and fear of abandonment
helped Rachel to avoidimpulsive actions like infidelity.
3.
Develop healthy communicationRachel had to work on expressing
(25:24):
her emotional needs to Davidin a way that fosters understanding
and connection rather thanturning to external sources for validation.
And then five Seekingprofessional support.
Trauma informed therapy helpedRachel to process her past experiences,
heal from their effects anddevelop a more secure approach to
relationships.
(25:45):
Infidelity in individuals withdisorganized attachment often stems
from a deep internal conflict,the simultaneous craving for connection
and fear of rejection.
While these behaviors cancause significant harm to relationships,
they are not insurmountable.
By addressing the traumaunderlying their attachment style
and learning healthier ways tonavigate emotional needs, individuals
(26:06):
with disorganized attachmentcan break free from self sabotaging
patterns and move towardssecure and fulfilling relationships.
And I've not only witnessedthat helping hundreds of people to
move from an anxious,disorganized and avoidant attachment
style to secure attachment.
I've also lived it.
I had so many unhealthyrelationship patterns because of
(26:29):
my childhood growing up with amother who was emotionally and physically
abusive and I managed toovercome that and change that.
So if you're listening to thisand feeling overwhelmed or concerned
that your relationship isn'tgoing to work out because of these
patterns, know that thesepatterns can be changed.
They do require a commitmentto look at yourself, to explore the
(26:52):
past, to work with thesubconscious mind, and then also
to have compassion for yourself.
Because without compassion forourselves and understanding why we
are the way we are, it's verydifficult to heal and move forward.
Once you understand thesepatterns and triggers and coping
mechanisms, you can thendevelop healthier, stronger ways
(27:14):
of being interacting.
Just like the examples thatI've given in this podcast with the
names and identifyingcharacteristics changed, of course.
So now let's move into how torebuild trust and intimacy following
Betrayal Infidelity andbetrayal don't have to mark the end
of a relationship.
With effort, understanding andprofessional support, couples can
(27:37):
rebuild trust and create ahealthier, more secure connection.
Here, here are some strategiesfor moving forward.
First of all, understand theroot cause.
Both partners must explore theunderlying issues that led to the
betrayal.
This includes examining howattachment styles and personal insecurities
contributed to the dynamic self.
Awareness and accountabilityare critical first steps, then Rebuilding
(28:00):
the communication.
Open, honest communication isessential for rebuilding trust.
Both partners should feel safeexpressing their feelings, needs
and concerns without fear ofjudgment or rejection.
Using I statements to expressemotion, for example I feel hurt
when can really be beneficial.
Practicing active listening toensure that both partners feel heard
(28:23):
and understood.
In fact, the more couples talkafter an affair, the better.
Couples that try to put it ina box move forward without going
through what's happened andwhy it's happened and how you're
both feeling now.
Moving forward is a real mistake.
It's so important to talk itall through, to process it and clear
(28:43):
it.
If we don't process ouremotions, our thoughts, our feelings,
they can get stuck and come upand hurt us later or hurt the relationship
later.
Then there's an agreement onboundaries and expectations.
Setting clear boundaries helpsto restore a sense of safety and
stability in the relationship.
Partners should discuss andagree on what constitutes trust and
(29:06):
respect moving forward,ensuring that they both feel secure.
So some people might discusswhat to do about social media, for
example, or a certain person,and agree never to share their emotional
relationship problems with aperson of the opposite sex, for example.
So setting these boundariesand agreeing on Them, even if some
(29:28):
of these boundaries may seemobvious, can really help the safety.
Then Seeking professionalsupport Find a professional that
you feel comfortable withbecause time and time again therapy
is most effective.
If you feel comfortable withthat person, you believe that that
person can help you and thatperson also believes that they can
help you.
Ideally, find someone thatspecialises in affair recovery and
(29:50):
complex relationship dynamicsand ask them to focus on the solutions.
So many times couples willcome to me months or years after
the affair because becausethey didn't get the understanding
or closure that they neededfrom talking it through by themselves
or from traditional therapy oronline support groups.
They found it was focused moreon feelings and the story of what
(30:10):
happened rather than solutions.
So you want a combination of both.
You need to go through thefeelings and process the feelings.
You need to set the boundariesand then you need solutions.
How to rebuild trust, how tobecome closer.
How to let it go.
Coping strategies to heal thewounds and let go of the resentment
and the hurt and the pain.
(30:32):
Ideally you want someone thatcan see the whole full 360 degree
relationship that works withyou both individually and then together.
This avoids conflictingadvice, enables the person that you've
chosen to support you fullybecause they can see the full relationship
dynamic as a whole rather thantrying to guide you or by seeing
only part of it.
(30:53):
It's also so important thatboth partners focus on personal development
and individual growth toaddress their own attachment related
behaviours.
This might include buildingself esteem and self awareness, developing
healthy coping mechanisms forstress and insecurity, Practicing
mindfulness or self soothingtechniques to regulate emotions.
(31:13):
Then there's forgiveness and patience.
Healing takes time.
Both partners must be willingto forgive not only each other but
also themselves for the past mistakes.
Patience and commitment togrowth are essential for long term
success as well as a focus onmoving towards secure attachment.
While insecure attachmentstyles can contribute to betrayal,
(31:33):
they are not permanent.
With effort and selfawareness, individuals can work towards
developing a more secureattachment style.
Secure attachments fostertrust, emotional availability and
healthy communication,creating a strong foundation for
lasting relationships.
I'm going to focus more on howto heal the attachment patterns and
have a secure attachment stylecoming up.
(31:55):
So do subscribe to the show soyou don't miss that if you're interested
in this topic.
Infidelity and betrayal arepainful experiences, but they also
present an opportunity for growth.
By understanding the role ofattachment styles, couples can break
free from destructive patternsand build a relationship that is
more resilient, fulfilling and secure.
To learn more about how torecover after an affair, check out
(32:18):
my Affair Recovery Masterclassthat explains in detail the steps
you need to take to rebuildtrust and safety in your relationship.
Go to nicolabeer.com and clickon the Gift page where you'll see
the Affair RecoveryMasterclass as well as my Affair
Recovery Pack, the Self Careand Confidence Toolkit and My Relationship
Reconnect Toolkit, allcompletely free to support you on
(32:40):
your journey to healthier,more wholesome relationships.
So from my heart to yours,wishing you an amazing week ahead.
Take great care of yourselfand each other.
Dear listeners, today Icelebrate you.
(33:02):
You are among the few whoactively nurture their love journey.
It's an act of courage, an actof self love and if today's episode
resonated with you, be abeacon for others.
Subscribe, rate and review.
Let's spread this love andwisdom far and wide.
Craving more?
(33:22):
Discover the freeresources@nicolabear.com you can
also find the links to helpfulgifts in the show Notes.
Do also join our Relationshipand Wellness Facebook group.
It's a haven where we uplift,support and journey together towards
richer, deeper love stories.
(33:42):
Remember, you have the powerto craft the love story you deserve.
Thank you for being with metoday and until next time, keep shining
and loving with all your heart.
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