Is dopamine addiction silently eroding your emotional connection with your partner?
In this episode, Nicola Beer explores how habits like overdrinking, overworking, and social media addiction create emotional disconnection in relationships—and what you can do to heal.
You'll learn how dopamine hijacks the brain, how it numbs emotional availability, and four powerful steps to reclaim joy, presence, and intimacy.
Is dopamine addiction silently eroding your emotional connection with your partner?
In this episode, Nicola Beer explores how habits like overdrinking, overworking, and social media addiction create emotional disconnection in relationships—and what you can do to heal.
You'll learn how dopamine hijacks the brain, how it numbs emotional availability, and four powerful steps to reclaim joy, presence, and intimacy.
🎁 Download the free Relationship Reconnect Toolkit for healing exercises and connection strategies.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the RelationshipRevival Podcast, your go to show
for expert advice and guidanceon relationships, marriage, divorce
and dating.
I'm Nicola Beer and for over20 years I've helped thousands of
individuals and couplesworldwide transform their relationships
and create lasting changethrough one to one online sessions
and healing retreats in Asia.
(00:20):
Whether you're trying to saveyour marriage, figure out if you're
in the right relationship,find the courage to walk away from
something that no longerserves you, or break free from unhealthy
relationship patterns once andfor all.
You're in the right place.
This podcast is about sharingthe tips, tools and strategies that
have transformed countless lives.
You'll get practical adviceand insights that you can start using
(00:42):
right away to create the loveand happiness that you deserve.
And if you're looking for moresupport and valuable free resources
to heal, grow and strengthenyour relationships, then head over
to nicolabeer.com and click onthe Gift page to explore what's waiting
for you there.
Welcome.
I'm so glad you pressed play today.
Whether you're a regularlistener or joining me for the first
(01:02):
time.
Thank you for being here.
Today's episode is a deeplypersonal one.
We're going to be talkingabout dopamine addiction.
Not just what it is or how ithijacks our moods and motivation,
but how it impacts our abilityto connect in relationship, how it
affects emotionalavailability, and how it shapes the
way we show up for ourselvesand those that we love.
Because the truth is, whenwe're addicted to high dopamine habits,
(01:24):
alcohol, social media,overworking, even sugar, we often
stop being emotionally present.
And when that happens, ourrelationships suffer.
For a long time.
I used alcohol to escape my pain.
Instead of allowing myself tofeel tired, stressed and emotionally
flat, I drink my evenings away.
My body and brain became sodependent on that artificial dopamine
(01:44):
spike that without it, lifejust felt hollow.
And it didn't stop with alcohol.
I could spend hours onlineshopping, looking for something,
anything to lift me up.
I didn't realize I was selfmedicating the dopamine.
I just thought I was tired,wired or doing what everyone else
does to unwind.
I know now that I wasn't broken.
I was just caught in a cyclethat almost all of us are conditioned
(02:07):
into chasing relief instead ofbeing with what is.
So if you've ever felt thatway too, trapped in habits that numb,
drain or disconnect you,you're not alone and you're not weak.
You're responding to a systemthat teaches us to cope by consuming
to escape instead of Feel andto disconnect rather than face what
hurts.
In today's episode, I'll bebreaking down how dopamine works
(02:28):
in the brain and why so manyof us feel addicted and how these
habits affect our ability tobe emotionally available and truly
present in our relationship.
And most importantly, I'llguide you through four powerful steps
to begin healing dopamineaddiction on a physical, emotional
and mental level.
These are the same steps Iwalk my clients through, whether
they're healing from overdrinking, workaholism, emotional
(02:50):
eating, overthinking ordisconnection in their marriage.
And if someone you care aboutis struggling with addiction, emotional
numbness, or relationshipbreakdowns, please feel free to share
this episode with them.
It might be just the supportthey need right now to take that
first step towards healing.
So let's begin.
Dopamine is aneurotransmitter, basically a chemical
messenger in the brain thatplays a major role in how we experience
(03:12):
motivation, reward and desire.
It's often called the brain'sfeel good chemical, but that label
is a little misleading.
Dopamine doesn't just make youfeel good, it's the anticipation
of feeling good.
It's what drives you to wantsomething, to chase after a goal,
to pursue a reward.
It's the promise of pleasure,not necessarily the pleasure of itself.
And here's where things get tricky.
(03:34):
When your brain receives highlevels of dopamine artificially from
things like sugar scrollinggambling, cannabis, porn, alcohol,
or compulsive shopping, itstarts to protect itself from being
overstimulated.
It does this by reducing thenumber of dopamine receptors, like
turning down the volume onyour pleasure system and producing
less dopamine.
(03:54):
Naturally, this process iscalled dopamine downregulation.
Dr.
Anna Lembeck, author ofDopamine Nation, offers a powerful
metaphor to explain what's happening.
She says to imagine a weighing scale.
On one side we have pleasure,on the other, pain.
The brain is always trying tokeep these two in balance, what scientists
call homeostatus.
But when we tip the scale toofar forward towards pleasure binging
(04:17):
on high dopamine activities,the brain doesn't just gently reset
it, it presses down harder onthe pain side to restore balance
and often over corrects it.
So what does that look like ineveryday life?
It means that after a shortburst of pleasure, you experience
a crash, a dip in mood, energyand overall satisfaction.
And that's what's known as adopamine deficit state.
(04:38):
So now you're not just back tothe baseline, you're lower than when
you were started.
And what do most people do tofeel better?
They go back to the samedopamine source.
Another drink, another scroll,another bite, another hit.
The more we chase the highs,the more the deeper our lows feel.
And so begins the cycle.
Over time, this process numbsour ability to enjoy life's simpler
(04:59):
pleasures.
Like a walk in nature, a goodmeal, a meaningful conversation,
or just being still.
Everything starts to feelflat, boring or emotionally muted.
You might notice that you needmore and more stimulation to just
feel okay.
Whether it's another glass ofwine, another online purchase, or
another dopamine loaded distraction.
As Socrates said over 2,000years ago, if you pursue pleasure,
(05:23):
you will reap pain.
And now the neuroscience isproving that he was absolutely right.
It's kind of crazy when youthink about it.
The more wealth, freedom andtechnological progress we make, the
more depressed, stressed andanxious we seem to become.
Globally, rates of depressionand anxiety are skyrocketing.
Suicide rates in somecountries are an all time high.
(05:45):
Antidepressant use hasdoubled, even tripled in just a few
decades.
At the same time, more peopleare dying from modifiable behaviors
than anything else.
By modifiable, I meanbehaviours that can be changed, yet
we don't.
In a way, it means that we'reslowly killing ourselves through
the habits that we could shift.
Things like poor diet,obesity, smoking, alcohol use, physical
(06:08):
inactivity, overworking and addiction.
These aren't random illnesses.
They're often the result ofcoping mechanisms we've developed
to manage life patterns wefall into because we're trying to
survive the noise, thepressure, the constant doing.
Which brings me to a deeper question.
What if we're not facing amental health crisis, but a dopamine
crisis?
(06:28):
We've become so uncomfortablewith simply feeling that we now medicate
ourselves out of being human.
When we're tired, we reach forcaffeine, Red Bull or stimulants
just to keep going.
When we can't sleep, we turnto alcohol or pills to shut our minds
off.
When we're sad, anxious, boredor uncertain, we reach out for our
phone, snacks, onlineshopping, a glass of wine, or anything
(06:52):
that helps us to avoid whatwe're feeling.
We no longer allow the naturalhighs and lows of life to just move
through us.
Instead, we try to flatten andregulate them through artificial
means.
And it's making us mentally,emotional, emotionally and physically
sick.
The problem is, stuffing downour pain doesn't heal it.
In fact, when we depress ouremotions, we feel depressed and often
(07:12):
get unwell.
Avoiding pain only magnifiesit over time.
And blaming others for ourpain or the world might offer temporary
relief, but it traps us in astory that keeps us stuck.
Dopamine in itself isn't the enemy.
It's essential for motivation,joy, and experiencing life's rewards.
The real issue here lies inhow we're getting our dopamine and
(07:35):
how often we're spiking itthrough unnatural high intensity
sources.
These are the quick fixes thatgive us a surge of pleasure, followed
by a crash that leaves us moredepleted than before.
To really understand howdopamine works and how it gets dysregulated,
it helps to compare thedifferent ways we spike it, some
naturally and some artificially.
(07:56):
Let's start with the moreintense and natural sources of dopamine.
Eating something sweet liketwo chocolate bars can increase your
dopamine levels by up to 50%above normal baseline.
Nicotine takes it evenfurther, giving you a 150% increase.
Alcohol typically spikesdopamine around 200%.
But if you're binge drinking,say six to eight drinks in one session,
(08:19):
that spike can jump evenhigher, approaching the 300% mark,
which is similar to theeffects of cocaine.
Cocaine itself causes about a300% spike, while methamphetamine
sends dopamine levels soaring,up to 1,000%.
Then there's social mediascrolling, especially platforms like
TikTok and Instagram or onlinedating sites, which give you small,
(08:42):
fast micro spikes.
They may not seem intenseindividually, but because they repeat
rapidly, they keep your brainhooked in a loop, constantly chasing
the next hit.
Now, let's compare that tomore balanced natural dopamine boosters.
30 minutes of moderateexercise gives you about a 50% increase
in dopamine, similar tochocolate, but without the crash.
(09:03):
Hugging someone, laughing witha friend, or having a meaningful
connection creates a small butsteady rise in dopamine that's deeply
regulating for your nervous system.
Meditation, nature walks, orcold exposure, like ice baths, also
help your brain regulatedopamine in a more natural, long
lasting and balanced way.
And then there's sex.
(09:24):
But here's an important distinction.
Sex on its own doesn'tnecessarily cause a dopamine spike.
It's the orgasm that triggersthe release.
When the orgasm happens,dopamine levels can rise by about
100% above baseline.
So if sex doesn't includeorgasm, that spike often isn't there.
That said, when orgasm is partof a healthy, emotionally connected
(09:45):
relationship, it becomes apowerful and natural way to experience
pleasure, deepen intimacy, andsupport the nervous system regulation.
It's not just a release.
It can help a couple feelbonded, seen and closer.
Unlike artificial dopaminespikes that crash us afterwards,
this kind of pleasure tends tonourish us and sustain emotional
(10:05):
closeness rather than deplete us.
You see the difference?
The more unnaturally high thespike, the more intense the crash.
These intense sources ofdopamine, sugar, alcohol, chocolate,
cannabis, pornography, onlineshopping, gambling, even overworking
and over exercising have acommon thread.
They offer us instant escape.
(10:25):
Escape from boredom, fromsadness, from loneliness, and from
emotional pain and self doubt.
But the cost is steep andoften invisible at first.
Let's take social media for example.
It's designed to keep you addicted.
Every like every notification,every, every video that auto plays,
that's dopamine.
But the more we scroll, themore emotionally empty we feel.
(10:48):
It's not just a time waster,it's a brain rewirer.
It chips away at your selfworth, your attention span and your
ability to feel joy fromlife's simpler, slower pleasures.
And the danger runs deeperthan we realize.
Social media promotes a falseself, a carefully created version
of us that's polished andfiltered for the world.
And over time, thedisconnection between who we really
(11:11):
are and who we presentourselves to be can lead to depersonalization,
numbness, anxiety and depression.
And this is just one form ofdopamine addiction.
It's one that many peopledismiss as harmless.
Yet it's actually one of themost widespread and socially accepted
ways we numb ourselves today.
And it's not the only one.
Some of the most common copinghabits people rely on might seem
(11:32):
helpful or harmless at first,but over time, they can quietly spiral
into patterns that do moreharm than good.
I've seen this play out timeand time again in my work, so let's
take a look at some real lifeexamples of dopamine driven behaviors
like alcohol, cannabisoverworking and even over exercising.
And how that once feltlifeline can over time become the
(11:53):
very thing that can drag us down.
I've worked with many peoplewho became dependent on substances
or behaviors that initiallyhelped them cope, but eventually
became the very thing causingtheir distress.
One client used cannabis tomanage her anxiety.
At first it gave her somerelief and helped her feel calm.
But over time, she needed itjust to feel normal in the mornings.
Without it, her anxiety became overwhelming.
(12:16):
She felt that she couldn'tface the day unless she smoked.
So we agreed that she wouldtake a break, just one month to see
what happened to her anxiety.
And if it was still there, wecould explore other solutions.
But something remarkable happened.
Within a few weeks, heranxiety disappeared completely.
What she once relied on tocalm her nerves turned out to be
the very thing keeping theanxiety alive.
(12:38):
The weed that once helped herto cope was in fact perpetuating
the very symptom that she wastrying to escape.
Another man I helped turned to alcohol.
He was drinking every night towind down after work.
He believed it helped himsleep and relax so he could work
hard the next day.
And it did.
Until it didn't.
After a while, he began wakingup groggy, foggy, and increasingly
(13:01):
stressed.
His energy permitted, his moodbecame unpredictable.
He was convinced that itwasn't the alcohol giving him stress,
it was outside factors.
But he did agree to pause thealcohol and just see what happened.
After 20 days, he was shockedat how much better he felt.
Clear headed, lighter, and farmore emotionally balanced.
(13:21):
And he's not alone.
Research backs this up.
Dr.
Mark Sugart, a professor ofexperimental psychology at the University
of California, studied a groupof men who were drinking heavily
and who also met the criteriafor major depressive disorder.
After just one month inhospital, without any depression
treatment, just abstainingfrom alcohol, 80% of them no longer
(13:44):
qualified as clinically depressed.
This shows us that in manycases, what looks like mental health
issue might actually be theresult of substance use itself.
The alcohol or cannabis wethink is helping us cope might actually
be the very thing keeping theanxiety or depression going.
That's because repeated useleads to dopamine spikes, followed
by crashes, creating a kind ofchemical deficit in the brain that
(14:07):
can mimic or worsen symptomslike low mood, anxiety and emotional
instability.
Even exercise, somethingtypically seen as healthy, can become
addictive.
I've supported high performerswho were working out for hours a
day, pushing themselves to theextreme in the name of health and
discipline.
But the result wasn'tstrength, it was burnout.
Their moods dropped, theirmotivation flatlined, and they began
(14:30):
to feel emotionally numb.
Overtraining spikes dopaminetoo, and the crashes are just as
real.
What starts as a copingmechanism, a way to soothe, distract,
or survive quietly become theroot of emotional imbalance.
And that's the tricky thingabout dopamine.
It lures us in with the reliefat the start.
But if the source isartificial or gives too high of a
(14:51):
spike, then that relief comesat cost.
The reason I'm bringing all ofthis into a relationship podcast
is because there's a darkerside to the dopamine addiction that
doesn't get talked about enough.
And it directly affects how weconnect with people we love.
Studies have shown that whenwe're caught in a dopamine driven
habit, our ability to bepresent, empathetic and emotionally
available starts to fade.
(15:12):
And that can have a seriousimpact on our relationship.
When we're in a dopamineaddiction, we become more self focused.
It's not because we're badpeople, it's because our brain is
wired for survival and craving.
It becomes obsessed with thenext hit.
In Dopamine Nation, Dr.
Lembeck shares a studyinvolving rats.
When given opioids, a free ratwill stop helping another rat trapped
(15:34):
in a cage without the drug.
The rats consistently tried torescue their fellow rat, but when
they had opioids in theirsystem, they didn't help their fellow
rat.
This might sound extreme, butthe same pattern plays out in human
relationships all the time.
When someone is hooked onsocial media, alcohol, cannabis,
work or any other dopaminespiking habit, they often stop being
(15:56):
emotionally available.
They become distracted,irritable or emotionally numb.
Contact conversations feelshallow, moments of connection fade
and eventually their partnerstarts to feel invisible or unimportant.
I've seen it time and timeagain in couples I work with where
one partner is scrolling,zoning out, emotionally absent and
the other feels alone in therelationship, even if physically
(16:18):
they're in the same room.
And it's not just digital habits.
Workaholism, overtraining,over drinking, over controlling the
to do list.
All of these are ways peoplechase dopamine without realising
that they're disconnectingfrom the present moment and from
each other.
This disconnection chips awayat trust, intimacy and emotional
safety.
And because many people don'trealise what's happening, they blame
(16:41):
each other instead of seeingthe underlining pattern.
It's a tragic irony.
We crave connection more than ever.
Yet the things we turn to forrelief are often the very things
driving us further apart.
And then there's social media,which not only distorts the self,
it distorts the reality.
Even though we live in a timeof abundance, many people operate
from a mindset of scarcity.
(17:02):
Why?
Because the platforms arebuilt on comparison.
Someone who is always thinner,happier, wealthier, more loved, someone's
marriage always looks moreromantic, someone's family always
seems more together.
And suddenly your partnerdoesn't feel like enough, your life
doesn't feel like enough, youdon't feel like enough.
This creates an emotionalscarcity that bleeds into relationships.
(17:26):
We stop appreciating what we have.
We feel jealous, restless,dissatisfied, bored.
We start comparing ourpartner, our relationships, our sex
life to what we see online.
And that comparison Kills connection.
We scroll because we feel bad,and we feel bad because we scroll.
The craving intensifies andthe emotional walls get higher.
(17:49):
And what's the antidote?
It's authenticity.
When you're grounded in yourtrue self, when you're connected
to your values and your body,you don't need to chase likes to
feel worthy.
You don't need substances tofeel relaxed.
You don't need constantstimulation to feel alive.
You're already here.
Present with yourself, withyour partner.
(18:11):
Able to give and receive love.
Not because you've numbed yourpain, but because you've allowed
yourself to feel again.
And that's when relationships thrive.
Not through more effort, butthrough more presence.
The good news?
Dopamine addiction isabsolutely reversible with the right
support and approach.
In my experience, supportingpeople through this to make lasting
(18:31):
change.
The most effective healingaddresses all three.
Physical, emotional and mental.
So here are four powerfulsteps I take, those I help through
so that if this episode isresonating with you, you can take
those steps and begin yourhealing journey.
First, the physical reset.
One of the most powerfulthings you can do is to give your
(18:52):
brain a chance to rebalanceits reward system.
And that starts with a 30 daydetox from the substance or behavior
that's been hijacking your dopamine.
Of course, once you startfeeling better, you might decide
to go even longer with your detox.
And that's great because as wediscussed earlier, when we constantly
flood our brain with highlevels of stimulation, it adapts
(19:12):
by trying to protect itself.
It does this in two ways.
First, it reduces the numberof dopamine receptors, like turning
down the volume on yourability to feel pleasure.
And second, it slows down thenatural production of dopamine altogether.
Why?
Because your brain is alwaysworking to stay in balance.
So when there's too muchstimulation, it starts to numb things
to avoid being overwhelmed.
(19:34):
The problem is, over time,this numbing effect makes life feel
flat.
A walk outside, a heartfelthug, a delicious meal, or even a
moment of peace.
They just don't register thesame way.
Everything starts to feel dullor muted.
And that's when people oftenfind themselves reaching out for
more and more stimulation.
Another glass of wine, anotherscroll, another dopamine hit just
(19:56):
to feel okay.
And here's the good news.
When you take a break fromthese high dopamine habits, you,
Even for just 30 days, yourbrain begins to heal.
It slowly starts to increasethe number of dopamine receptors
again and produces moredopamine naturally.
In other words, you begin toFeel again during this detox phase.
For various reasons, I oftenrecommend natural support for the
(20:18):
brain.
Supplements like amino acids,which act like protein, for your
brain's neurotransmitters,ensuring that your levels are balanced.
Omega 3 fatty acids, whichsupport brain structure and mood
regulation.
And they're essential ifthere's heavy alcohol.
Use magnesium, B vitamins andzinc to nourish and stabilize your
(20:39):
nervous system.
Compare that with moderatemovement a few times a week.
Walking, stretching, swimming, yoga.
You're giving your bodyexactly what it's been asking for.
Nutrients, rest, rhythm and balance.
So that's a physical healing.
Let's look at emotional healing.
If dopamine addiction at itscore is a strategy to escape pain,
(21:01):
then true healing meanslearning to be with pain without
needing to push it away, fixit or distract ourselves from it.
That might sound difficult,but it's absolutely possible and
deeply powerful.
Your body is strong and so are you.
Our bodies are incredibly sophisticated.
They're built to survive, toregulate and to heal.
(21:21):
In fact, your body is capableof producing every chemical you need
to feel calm, energized and connected.
It even has a built in warningsystem that sends you a clear message
when something is not right.
Pain.
But instead of honouring painas a valuable signal, like a smoke
alarm alerting us to a fire,we often try to shut it down.
We ignore it, suppress it ornumb it.
(21:44):
That's like unplugging thesmoke alarm instead of putting the
fire out.
And over time, thatdisconnection from our pain creates
more suffering, not less.
We all need what psychologistscall a holding environment, a space
where pain is allowed, seenand soothed.
As children.
This ideally comes from ourparents, but many of us didn't get
that kind of emotional support.
(22:05):
In an ideal world, it's themoment when a parent gently picks
you up after you fall andsays, I know you're hurting, but
you're gonna be okay.
If we had that consistentlythroughout our childhood, we learn
that pain is horrible, that itpasses, that it doesn't define us.
But if we were told to stopcrying, shamed for being emotional,
or left alone in our distress,we start believing that pain is unbearable,
(22:30):
that we have to hide it, fixit, escape it.
And that's where many of uslearn to soothe through substances,
food, work, sex or constantdoing anything to avoid sitting with
what we feel.
To truly heal, we have torecreate the relational holding for
ourselves.
You can simply begin byplacing your hand on your heart when
(22:50):
emotions arise and breathingdeeply into the feeling, saying to
yourself, this hurts, but it's okay.
I can hold this.
It will pass.
Sometimes when I'm having aparticularly bad day, I I'll give
myself permission to rest,maybe even stay in bed with a book
or a show, and I gently remindmyself that this will pass.
Tomorrow I will feel better.
(23:12):
And I always do.
Because usually when I feellow, it's because I'm mentally, emotionally
and physically exhausted.
And allowing myself to feelemotions helps release them.
Allowing myself to have adigital detox day, detaching from
my phone and just being withmyself, being in the present really
helps me.
So it doesn't last longer thana day.
(23:35):
And of course you might not beable to do that for a whole day.
Do it for an evening, whateveryou can.
You can also write down yourthoughts and feelings without judgment,
like you're holding space fora dear friend.
You can also talk to peoplethat you trust, a therapist, a friend,
a family member.
Let yourself be emotionallyseen, heard and felt.
(23:56):
And if you want to go deeper,consider emotional body based therapies
like Somatic Therapy, which Ioften use with my clients because
I found it works best for deepemotional healing.
It helps bring you back intothe body to feel the emotion where
it lives, to be fully presentwith it, and yes, even to communicate
with it.
That might sound strange, butour emotions are messengers.
(24:18):
They carry wisdom.
They often have something thatthey want us to know.
When we pause and ask, what doyou need?
What are you trying to tell me?
Something inside begins to shift.
You don't need to fix yourpain, you just need to feel it.
Stay with it long enough tolet it soften.
This is the true work of self compassion.
As a Tibetan book of Livingand Dying says, whatever you do,
(24:41):
don't run away from pain.
Running only leads to more suffering.
The moment we stop running andmeet our pain with gentle presence,
we begin to feel free.
Not because the paindisappears, but because it no longer
controls us.
Because we've remembered thatwe can hold ourselves and that we're
safe even in discomfort.
The third step is mental rewiring.
(25:02):
Retraining the brain to pause,to delay, and to choose presence
over impulsivity.
Dopamine addiction thrives oninstant gratification.
The scroll, the sugar, the swipe.
It gives relief now, it evenif it creates regret later.
But healing comes when we flipthe script and start choosing what
feels good later, not just now.
(25:25):
This might look likemeditation instead of doom scrolling
journaling instead ofemotionally venting online a walk
instead of netflix stillnessinstead of rushing to fix or do waiting
in a queue and not Looking atyour phone, just being present with
the what's is.
Every time you delaygratification, even for just a moment,
(25:46):
you strengthen your brain'scapacity for self regulation.
You build emotional resilience.
You grow your presence.
You begin to choose withintention, not compulsion.
And perhaps most importantly,honesty plays a huge role in mental
healing.
Being radically honest abouthow you feel, what you're doing,
why you're doing it, and whatit's costing you can open the door
(26:08):
to lasting change.
When you feel something, thenyou can heal it.
And when you name what's truefor you, you can then focus on the
solutions to help you.
So start by being honest with yourself.
Do it in a way where you'renot making yourself bad or wrong
because we have too much selfcriticism and judgment these days.
(26:28):
But approach it with curiosityand compassion.
Why am I doing this pattern?
What is it doing for me?
Is it really helping me?
Awareness is the first steptowards any kind of healing.
And ultimately, we don't justwant to heal the addiction.
We want to build a life we nolonger need to escape from.
That means making space forreal joy, not just quick pleasure.
(26:51):
Hit joy that nourishes,balances and connects.
Start by filling your lifewith natural dopamine sources that
lift you up without crashingyou down.
Like spending time in nature,dancing, laughing, singing, or getting
creative.
Hugging, meaningfulconversations, shared meals, acts
of affection, intimacy.
(27:11):
These moments of humanconnection are deeply regulating
for the nervous system andhelp us feel safe, seen and satisfied.
Eye contact, holding hands,shared vulnerability, and even just
being truly present withsomeone you love.
These are all slow, steadydopamine activators that nurture
connection as well.
It's about choosing authenticrelationships over superficial ones.
(27:34):
Letting go of the pressure toperform or to compare instead.
Making time for real heartopening connection.
It's also about slowing downenough to actually fill your life
instead of just managing it.
Noticing what's here, what'sgood, what's beautiful, even if it's
small, and creating moments ofstillness or spiritual connection
(27:54):
that remind you that you'realready enough.
Even when life feels messy.
Because when you stopoutsourcing your comfort, when you
stop needing food, alcohol,social media, or someone else's approval
to feel okay, you begin toreclaim your power.
You start showing up foryourself in ways that you long for
others to do.
You become your own emotional anchor.
(28:14):
And that's where true freedom begins.
And the beautiful part is whenyou become what you need for yourself,
you no longer place thatburden on your partner.
You can show up in yourrelationships more Fully more present,
more patient and more open hearted.
You're able to love fromwholeness, not emptiness.
You're not just gettingthrough the days, you're actually
experiencing them together.
(28:35):
This is how healing yourselftransforms how you relate to others.
It's not selfish, it's thefoundation for deeper love, connection
and lasting intimacy.
And here's the thing that Ithink is really important to reflect
on.
It's become such commonpractice these days to medicate ourselves
with dopamine hits.
For years, I was medicatingmyself to fit into the world.
(28:57):
I was escaping rather than engaging.
I was numbing rather than feeling.
But in doing that, I wasmissing out on so much.
But when you're free, you'reable to connect with everything,
nature, animals and others.
Don't get me wrong, it'snatural in our world, I believe,
to long for a relief, a breakfrom the relentless voice in our
(29:17):
head.
Why did I do that?
How come I'm not like them?
Why can't I just be happy?
But what if instead ofescaping life, we turn towards it?
What if we allow thediscomfort to rise, move through
us and then pass?
And when we stop running, werealise we never had to escape ourselves
to find peace.
We only had to come home towhat's real.
(29:37):
If this episode has spoken toyou and you know it's time to make
a shift, please don't feellike you have to do it alone.
Whether it's breaking freefrom a pattern that's draining your
energy, finding healthier waysto release past pain or regulate
your emotions, or just havingsomeone to guide, support and hold
you accountable for thechanges as you reconnect to yourself,
I'm here.
I offer one to one supportonline and I also host private healing
(30:01):
retreats in Asia, where wework together intensively to release
addictive patterns and restorebalance emotionally, mentally and
physically.
If you'd like to exploreworking together, just send me a
message.
Share a little bit about whatyou're going through and what you'd
love to shift or feel moresupported in, and I'll gently guide
you through the next steps.
And we can arrange a freeintroduction call to see if we're
(30:23):
a fit together.
Please know that everythingyou share is held with the utmost
care and kept confidential.
Sometimes simply reaching outis the beginning of everything changing.
And if you know someone whomight be struggling, feel free to
share this episode with them.
It could be the gentle nudgeor clarity that they've been needing.
Lastly, if you found thishelpful, I'd truly appreciate it
(30:46):
if you could leave a quickrating or review.
It helps the show stay visibleso more people can find the support
they need and it really meansa lot to me.
So from my heart to yoursSending you love.
Thank you for listening and Ilook forward to connecting with you
again soon.
Visit nicolabeer.com gift forfree valuable resources designed
(31:06):
to support you Whether you'relooking to revive your relationship,
break free from unhealthypatterns, rebuild your confidence,
or heal after a breakup,everything you need to create the
love life that you deserve isthere waiting for you.
I truly appreciate you being here.
If there's a topic you wouldlike me to cover on this podcast,
or if you're interested inworking with me one to one online
(31:27):
or attending a healing retreatin Asia, I'd love to hear from you.
My contact details are on mywebsite@nicolabeer.com and if you
have a burning question orjust need some guidance, come and
join our warm and welcomingFacebook community.
It's a safe, supportive spacewhere members share valuable insights
and I also answer youranonymous relationship questions.
(31:47):
To join us, simply visitnicolabeer.com Facebook and all the
links I've shared today willbe in the show.
Notes from my heart to yoursTake care and I look forward to connecting
with you again soon.
Welcome to the RelationshipRevival Podcast, your go to show
for expert advice and guidanceon relationships, marriage, divorce
and dating.
I'm Nicola Beer and for over20 years I've helped thousands of
individuals and couplesworldwide transform their relationships
and create lasting changethrough one to one online sessions
and healing retreats in Asia.
(00:20):
Whether you're trying to saveyour marriage, figure out if you're
in the right relationship,find the courage to walk away from
something that no longerserves you, or break free from unhealthy
relationship patterns once andfor all.
You're in the right place.
This podcast is about sharingthe tips, tools and strategies that
have transformed countless lives.
You'll get practical adviceand insights that you can start using
(00:42):
right away to create the loveand happiness that you deserve.
And if you're looking for moresupport and valuable free resources
to heal, grow and strengthenyour relationships, then head over
to nicolabeer.com and click onthe Gift page to explore what's waiting
for you there.
Welcome.
I'm so glad you pressed play today.
Whether you're a regularlistener or joining me for the first
(01:02):
time.
Thank you for being here.
Today's episode is a deeplypersonal one.
We're going to be talkingabout dopamine addiction.
Not just what it is or how ithijacks our moods and motivation,
but how it impacts our abilityto connect in relationship, how it
affects emotionalavailability, and how it shapes the
way we show up for ourselvesand those that we love.
Because the truth is, whenwe're addicted to high dopamine habits,
(01:24):
alcohol, social media,overworking, even sugar, we often
stop being emotionally present.
And when that happens, ourrelationships suffer.
For a long time.
I used alcohol to escape my pain.
Instead of allowing myself tofeel tired, stressed and emotionally
flat, I drink my evenings away.
My body and brain became sodependent on that artificial dopamine
(01:44):
spike that without it, lifejust felt hollow.
And it didn't stop with alcohol.
I could spend hours onlineshopping, looking for something,
anything to lift me up.
I didn't realize I was selfmedicating the dopamine.
I just thought I was tired,wired or doing what everyone else
does to unwind.
I know now that I wasn't broken.
I was just caught in a cyclethat almost all of us are conditioned
(02:07):
into chasing relief instead ofbeing with what is.
So if you've ever felt thatway too, trapped in habits that numb,
drain or disconnect you,you're not alone and you're not weak.
You're responding to a systemthat teaches us to cope by consuming
to escape instead of Feel andto disconnect rather than face what
hurts.
In today's episode, I'll bebreaking down how dopamine works
(02:28):
in the brain and why so manyof us feel addicted and how these
habits affect our ability tobe emotionally available and truly
present in our relationship.
And most importantly, I'llguide you through four powerful steps
to begin healing dopamineaddiction on a physical, emotional
and mental level.
These are the same steps Iwalk my clients through, whether
they're healing from overdrinking, workaholism, emotional
(02:50):
eating, overthinking ordisconnection in their marriage.
And if someone you care aboutis struggling with addiction, emotional
numbness, or relationshipbreakdowns, please feel free to share
this episode with them.
It might be just the supportthey need right now to take that
first step towards healing.
So let's begin.
Dopamine is aneurotransmitter, basically a chemical
messenger in the brain thatplays a major role in how we experience
(03:12):
motivation, reward and desire.
It's often called the brain'sfeel good chemical, but that label
is a little misleading.
Dopamine doesn't just make youfeel good, it's the anticipation
of feeling good.
It's what drives you to wantsomething, to chase after a goal,
to pursue a reward.
It's the promise of pleasure,not necessarily the pleasure of itself.
And here's where things get tricky.
(03:34):
When your brain receives highlevels of dopamine artificially from
things like sugar scrollinggambling, cannabis, porn, alcohol,
or compulsive shopping, itstarts to protect itself from being
overstimulated.
It does this by reducing thenumber of dopamine receptors, like
turning down the volume onyour pleasure system and producing
less dopamine.
(03:54):
Naturally, this process iscalled dopamine downregulation.
Dr.
Anna Lembeck, author ofDopamine Nation, offers a powerful
metaphor to explain what's happening.
She says to imagine a weighing scale.
On one side we have pleasure,on the other, pain.
The brain is always trying tokeep these two in balance, what scientists
call homeostatus.
But when we tip the scale toofar forward towards pleasure binging
(04:17):
on high dopamine activities,the brain doesn't just gently reset
it, it presses down harder onthe pain side to restore balance
and often over corrects it.
So what does that look like ineveryday life?
It means that after a shortburst of pleasure, you experience
a crash, a dip in mood, energyand overall satisfaction.
And that's what's known as adopamine deficit state.
(04:38):
So now you're not just back tothe baseline, you're lower than when
you were started.
And what do most people do tofeel better?
They go back to the samedopamine source.
Another drink, another scroll,another bite, another hit.
The more we chase the highs,the more the deeper our lows feel.
And so begins the cycle.
Over time, this process numbsour ability to enjoy life's simpler
(04:59):
pleasures.
Like a walk in nature, a goodmeal, a meaningful conversation,
or just being still.
Everything starts to feelflat, boring or emotionally muted.
You might notice that you needmore and more stimulation to just
feel okay.
Whether it's another glass ofwine, another online purchase, or
another dopamine loaded distraction.
As Socrates said over 2,000years ago, if you pursue pleasure,
(05:23):
you will reap pain.
And now the neuroscience isproving that he was absolutely right.
It's kind of crazy when youthink about it.
The more wealth, freedom andtechnological progress we make, the
more depressed, stressed andanxious we seem to become.
Globally, rates of depressionand anxiety are skyrocketing.
Suicide rates in somecountries are an all time high.
(05:45):
Antidepressant use hasdoubled, even tripled in just a few
decades.
At the same time, more peopleare dying from modifiable behaviors
than anything else.
By modifiable, I meanbehaviours that can be changed, yet
we don't.
In a way, it means that we'reslowly killing ourselves through
the habits that we could shift.
Things like poor diet,obesity, smoking, alcohol use, physical
(06:08):
inactivity, overworking and addiction.
These aren't random illnesses.
They're often the result ofcoping mechanisms we've developed
to manage life patterns wefall into because we're trying to
survive the noise, thepressure, the constant doing.
Which brings me to a deeper question.
What if we're not facing amental health crisis, but a dopamine
crisis?
(06:28):
We've become so uncomfortablewith simply feeling that we now medicate
ourselves out of being human.
When we're tired, we reach forcaffeine, Red Bull or stimulants
just to keep going.
When we can't sleep, we turnto alcohol or pills to shut our minds
off.
When we're sad, anxious, boredor uncertain, we reach out for our
phone, snacks, onlineshopping, a glass of wine, or anything
(06:52):
that helps us to avoid whatwe're feeling.
We no longer allow the naturalhighs and lows of life to just move
through us.
Instead, we try to flatten andregulate them through artificial
means.
And it's making us mentally,emotional, emotionally and physically
sick.
The problem is, stuffing downour pain doesn't heal it.
In fact, when we depress ouremotions, we feel depressed and often
(07:12):
get unwell.
Avoiding pain only magnifiesit over time.
And blaming others for ourpain or the world might offer temporary
relief, but it traps us in astory that keeps us stuck.
Dopamine in itself isn't the enemy.
It's essential for motivation,joy, and experiencing life's rewards.
The real issue here lies inhow we're getting our dopamine and
(07:35):
how often we're spiking itthrough unnatural high intensity
sources.
These are the quick fixes thatgive us a surge of pleasure, followed
by a crash that leaves us moredepleted than before.
To really understand howdopamine works and how it gets dysregulated,
it helps to compare thedifferent ways we spike it, some
naturally and some artificially.
(07:56):
Let's start with the moreintense and natural sources of dopamine.
Eating something sweet liketwo chocolate bars can increase your
dopamine levels by up to 50%above normal baseline.
Nicotine takes it evenfurther, giving you a 150% increase.
Alcohol typically spikesdopamine around 200%.
But if you're binge drinking,say six to eight drinks in one session,
(08:19):
that spike can jump evenhigher, approaching the 300% mark,
which is similar to theeffects of cocaine.
Cocaine itself causes about a300% spike, while methamphetamine
sends dopamine levels soaring,up to 1,000%.
Then there's social mediascrolling, especially platforms like
TikTok and Instagram or onlinedating sites, which give you small,
(08:42):
fast micro spikes.
They may not seem intenseindividually, but because they repeat
rapidly, they keep your brainhooked in a loop, constantly chasing
the next hit.
Now, let's compare that tomore balanced natural dopamine boosters.
30 minutes of moderateexercise gives you about a 50% increase
in dopamine, similar tochocolate, but without the crash.
(09:03):
Hugging someone, laughing witha friend, or having a meaningful
connection creates a small butsteady rise in dopamine that's deeply
regulating for your nervous system.
Meditation, nature walks, orcold exposure, like ice baths, also
help your brain regulatedopamine in a more natural, long
lasting and balanced way.
And then there's sex.
(09:24):
But here's an important distinction.
Sex on its own doesn'tnecessarily cause a dopamine spike.
It's the orgasm that triggersthe release.
When the orgasm happens,dopamine levels can rise by about
100% above baseline.
So if sex doesn't includeorgasm, that spike often isn't there.
That said, when orgasm is partof a healthy, emotionally connected
(09:45):
relationship, it becomes apowerful and natural way to experience
pleasure, deepen intimacy, andsupport the nervous system regulation.
It's not just a release.
It can help a couple feelbonded, seen and closer.
Unlike artificial dopaminespikes that crash us afterwards,
this kind of pleasure tends tonourish us and sustain emotional
(10:05):
closeness rather than deplete us.
You see the difference?
The more unnaturally high thespike, the more intense the crash.
These intense sources ofdopamine, sugar, alcohol, chocolate,
cannabis, pornography, onlineshopping, gambling, even overworking
and over exercising have acommon thread.
They offer us instant escape.
(10:25):
Escape from boredom, fromsadness, from loneliness, and from
emotional pain and self doubt.
But the cost is steep andoften invisible at first.
Let's take social media for example.
It's designed to keep you addicted.
Every like every notification,every, every video that auto plays,
that's dopamine.
But the more we scroll, themore emotionally empty we feel.
(10:48):
It's not just a time waster,it's a brain rewirer.
It chips away at your selfworth, your attention span and your
ability to feel joy fromlife's simpler, slower pleasures.
And the danger runs deeperthan we realize.
Social media promotes a falseself, a carefully created version
of us that's polished andfiltered for the world.
And over time, thedisconnection between who we really
(11:11):
are and who we presentourselves to be can lead to depersonalization,
numbness, anxiety and depression.
And this is just one form ofdopamine addiction.
It's one that many peopledismiss as harmless.
Yet it's actually one of themost widespread and socially accepted
ways we numb ourselves today.
And it's not the only one.
Some of the most common copinghabits people rely on might seem
(11:32):
helpful or harmless at first,but over time, they can quietly spiral
into patterns that do moreharm than good.
I've seen this play out timeand time again in my work, so let's
take a look at some real lifeexamples of dopamine driven behaviors
like alcohol, cannabisoverworking and even over exercising.
And how that once feltlifeline can over time become the
(11:53):
very thing that can drag us down.
I've worked with many peoplewho became dependent on substances
or behaviors that initiallyhelped them cope, but eventually
became the very thing causingtheir distress.
One client used cannabis tomanage her anxiety.
At first it gave her somerelief and helped her feel calm.
But over time, she needed itjust to feel normal in the mornings.
Without it, her anxiety became overwhelming.
(12:16):
She felt that she couldn'tface the day unless she smoked.
So we agreed that she wouldtake a break, just one month to see
what happened to her anxiety.
And if it was still there, wecould explore other solutions.
But something remarkable happened.
Within a few weeks, heranxiety disappeared completely.
What she once relied on tocalm her nerves turned out to be
the very thing keeping theanxiety alive.
(12:38):
The weed that once helped herto cope was in fact perpetuating
the very symptom that she wastrying to escape.
Another man I helped turned to alcohol.
He was drinking every night towind down after work.
He believed it helped himsleep and relax so he could work
hard the next day.
And it did.
Until it didn't.
After a while, he began wakingup groggy, foggy, and increasingly
(13:01):
stressed.
His energy permitted, his moodbecame unpredictable.
He was convinced that itwasn't the alcohol giving him stress,
it was outside factors.
But he did agree to pause thealcohol and just see what happened.
After 20 days, he was shockedat how much better he felt.
Clear headed, lighter, and farmore emotionally balanced.
(13:21):
And he's not alone.
Research backs this up.
Dr.
Mark Sugart, a professor ofexperimental psychology at the University
of California, studied a groupof men who were drinking heavily
and who also met the criteriafor major depressive disorder.
After just one month inhospital, without any depression
treatment, just abstainingfrom alcohol, 80% of them no longer
(13:44):
qualified as clinically depressed.
This shows us that in manycases, what looks like mental health
issue might actually be theresult of substance use itself.
The alcohol or cannabis wethink is helping us cope might actually
be the very thing keeping theanxiety or depression going.
That's because repeated useleads to dopamine spikes, followed
by crashes, creating a kind ofchemical deficit in the brain that
(14:07):
can mimic or worsen symptomslike low mood, anxiety and emotional
instability.
Even exercise, somethingtypically seen as healthy, can become
addictive.
I've supported high performerswho were working out for hours a
day, pushing themselves to theextreme in the name of health and
discipline.
But the result wasn'tstrength, it was burnout.
Their moods dropped, theirmotivation flatlined, and they began
(14:30):
to feel emotionally numb.
Overtraining spikes dopaminetoo, and the crashes are just as
real.
What starts as a copingmechanism, a way to soothe, distract,
or survive quietly become theroot of emotional imbalance.
And that's the tricky thingabout dopamine.
It lures us in with the reliefat the start.
But if the source isartificial or gives too high of a
(14:51):
spike, then that relief comesat cost.
The reason I'm bringing all ofthis into a relationship podcast
is because there's a darkerside to the dopamine addiction that
doesn't get talked about enough.
And it directly affects how weconnect with people we love.
Studies have shown that whenwe're caught in a dopamine driven
habit, our ability to bepresent, empathetic and emotionally
available starts to fade.
(15:12):
And that can have a seriousimpact on our relationship.
When we're in a dopamineaddiction, we become more self focused.
It's not because we're badpeople, it's because our brain is
wired for survival and craving.
It becomes obsessed with thenext hit.
In Dopamine Nation, Dr.
Lembeck shares a studyinvolving rats.
When given opioids, a free ratwill stop helping another rat trapped
(15:34):
in a cage without the drug.
The rats consistently tried torescue their fellow rat, but when
they had opioids in theirsystem, they didn't help their fellow
rat.
This might sound extreme, butthe same pattern plays out in human
relationships all the time.
When someone is hooked onsocial media, alcohol, cannabis,
work or any other dopaminespiking habit, they often stop being
(15:56):
emotionally available.
They become distracted,irritable or emotionally numb.
Contact conversations feelshallow, moments of connection fade
and eventually their partnerstarts to feel invisible or unimportant.
I've seen it time and timeagain in couples I work with where
one partner is scrolling,zoning out, emotionally absent and
the other feels alone in therelationship, even if physically
(16:18):
they're in the same room.
And it's not just digital habits.
Workaholism, overtraining,over drinking, over controlling the
to do list.
All of these are ways peoplechase dopamine without realising
that they're disconnectingfrom the present moment and from
each other.
This disconnection chips awayat trust, intimacy and emotional
safety.
And because many people don'trealise what's happening, they blame
(16:41):
each other instead of seeingthe underlining pattern.
It's a tragic irony.
We crave connection more than ever.
Yet the things we turn to forrelief are often the very things
driving us further apart.
And then there's social media,which not only distorts the self,
it distorts the reality.
Even though we live in a timeof abundance, many people operate
from a mindset of scarcity.
(17:02):
Why?
Because the platforms arebuilt on comparison.
Someone who is always thinner,happier, wealthier, more loved, someone's
marriage always looks moreromantic, someone's family always
seems more together.
And suddenly your partnerdoesn't feel like enough, your life
doesn't feel like enough, youdon't feel like enough.
This creates an emotionalscarcity that bleeds into relationships.
(17:26):
We stop appreciating what we have.
We feel jealous, restless,dissatisfied, bored.
We start comparing ourpartner, our relationships, our sex
life to what we see online.
And that comparison Kills connection.
We scroll because we feel bad,and we feel bad because we scroll.
The craving intensifies andthe emotional walls get higher.
(17:49):
And what's the antidote?
It's authenticity.
When you're grounded in yourtrue self, when you're connected
to your values and your body,you don't need to chase likes to
feel worthy.
You don't need substances tofeel relaxed.
You don't need constantstimulation to feel alive.
You're already here.
Present with yourself, withyour partner.
(18:11):
Able to give and receive love.
Not because you've numbed yourpain, but because you've allowed
yourself to feel again.
And that's when relationships thrive.
Not through more effort, butthrough more presence.
The good news?
Dopamine addiction isabsolutely reversible with the right
support and approach.
In my experience, supportingpeople through this to make lasting
(18:31):
change.
The most effective healingaddresses all three.
Physical, emotional and mental.
So here are four powerfulsteps I take, those I help through
so that if this episode isresonating with you, you can take
those steps and begin yourhealing journey.
First, the physical reset.
One of the most powerfulthings you can do is to give your
(18:52):
brain a chance to rebalanceits reward system.
And that starts with a 30 daydetox from the substance or behavior
that's been hijacking your dopamine.
Of course, once you startfeeling better, you might decide
to go even longer with your detox.
And that's great because as wediscussed earlier, when we constantly
flood our brain with highlevels of stimulation, it adapts
(19:12):
by trying to protect itself.
It does this in two ways.
First, it reduces the numberof dopamine receptors, like turning
down the volume on yourability to feel pleasure.
And second, it slows down thenatural production of dopamine altogether.
Why?
Because your brain is alwaysworking to stay in balance.
So when there's too muchstimulation, it starts to numb things
to avoid being overwhelmed.
(19:34):
The problem is, over time,this numbing effect makes life feel
flat.
A walk outside, a heartfelthug, a delicious meal, or even a
moment of peace.
They just don't register thesame way.
Everything starts to feel dullor muted.
And that's when people oftenfind themselves reaching out for
more and more stimulation.
Another glass of wine, anotherscroll, another dopamine hit just
(19:56):
to feel okay.
And here's the good news.
When you take a break fromthese high dopamine habits, you,
Even for just 30 days, yourbrain begins to heal.
It slowly starts to increasethe number of dopamine receptors
again and produces moredopamine naturally.
In other words, you begin toFeel again during this detox phase.
For various reasons, I oftenrecommend natural support for the
(20:18):
brain.
Supplements like amino acids,which act like protein, for your
brain's neurotransmitters,ensuring that your levels are balanced.
Omega 3 fatty acids, whichsupport brain structure and mood
regulation.
And they're essential ifthere's heavy alcohol.
Use magnesium, B vitamins andzinc to nourish and stabilize your
(20:39):
nervous system.
Compare that with moderatemovement a few times a week.
Walking, stretching, swimming, yoga.
You're giving your bodyexactly what it's been asking for.
Nutrients, rest, rhythm and balance.
So that's a physical healing.
Let's look at emotional healing.
If dopamine addiction at itscore is a strategy to escape pain,
(21:01):
then true healing meanslearning to be with pain without
needing to push it away, fixit or distract ourselves from it.
That might sound difficult,but it's absolutely possible and
deeply powerful.
Your body is strong and so are you.
Our bodies are incredibly sophisticated.
They're built to survive, toregulate and to heal.
(21:21):
In fact, your body is capableof producing every chemical you need
to feel calm, energized and connected.
It even has a built in warningsystem that sends you a clear message
when something is not right.
Pain.
But instead of honouring painas a valuable signal, like a smoke
alarm alerting us to a fire,we often try to shut it down.
We ignore it, suppress it ornumb it.
(21:44):
That's like unplugging thesmoke alarm instead of putting the
fire out.
And over time, thatdisconnection from our pain creates
more suffering, not less.
We all need what psychologistscall a holding environment, a space
where pain is allowed, seenand soothed.
As children.
This ideally comes from ourparents, but many of us didn't get
that kind of emotional support.
(22:05):
In an ideal world, it's themoment when a parent gently picks
you up after you fall andsays, I know you're hurting, but
you're gonna be okay.
If we had that consistentlythroughout our childhood, we learn
that pain is horrible, that itpasses, that it doesn't define us.
But if we were told to stopcrying, shamed for being emotional,
or left alone in our distress,we start believing that pain is unbearable,
(22:30):
that we have to hide it, fixit, escape it.
And that's where many of uslearn to soothe through substances,
food, work, sex or constantdoing anything to avoid sitting with
what we feel.
To truly heal, we have torecreate the relational holding for
ourselves.
You can simply begin byplacing your hand on your heart when
(22:50):
emotions arise and breathingdeeply into the feeling, saying to
yourself, this hurts, but it's okay.
I can hold this.
It will pass.
Sometimes when I'm having aparticularly bad day, I I'll give
myself permission to rest,maybe even stay in bed with a book
or a show, and I gently remindmyself that this will pass.
Tomorrow I will feel better.
(23:12):
And I always do.
Because usually when I feellow, it's because I'm mentally, emotionally
and physically exhausted.
And allowing myself to feelemotions helps release them.
Allowing myself to have adigital detox day, detaching from
my phone and just being withmyself, being in the present really
helps me.
So it doesn't last longer thana day.
(23:35):
And of course you might not beable to do that for a whole day.
Do it for an evening, whateveryou can.
You can also write down yourthoughts and feelings without judgment,
like you're holding space fora dear friend.
You can also talk to peoplethat you trust, a therapist, a friend,
a family member.
Let yourself be emotionallyseen, heard and felt.
(23:56):
And if you want to go deeper,consider emotional body based therapies
like Somatic Therapy, which Ioften use with my clients because
I found it works best for deepemotional healing.
It helps bring you back intothe body to feel the emotion where
it lives, to be fully presentwith it, and yes, even to communicate
with it.
That might sound strange, butour emotions are messengers.
(24:18):
They carry wisdom.
They often have something thatthey want us to know.
When we pause and ask, what doyou need?
What are you trying to tell me?
Something inside begins to shift.
You don't need to fix yourpain, you just need to feel it.
Stay with it long enough tolet it soften.
This is the true work of self compassion.
As a Tibetan book of Livingand Dying says, whatever you do,
(24:41):
don't run away from pain.
Running only leads to more suffering.
The moment we stop running andmeet our pain with gentle presence,
we begin to feel free.
Not because the paindisappears, but because it no longer
controls us.
Because we've remembered thatwe can hold ourselves and that we're
safe even in discomfort.
The third step is mental rewiring.
(25:02):
Retraining the brain to pause,to delay, and to choose presence
over impulsivity.
Dopamine addiction thrives oninstant gratification.
The scroll, the sugar, the swipe.
It gives relief now, it evenif it creates regret later.
But healing comes when we flipthe script and start choosing what
feels good later, not just now.
(25:25):
This might look likemeditation instead of doom scrolling
journaling instead ofemotionally venting online a walk
instead of netflix stillnessinstead of rushing to fix or do waiting
in a queue and not Looking atyour phone, just being present with
the what's is.
Every time you delaygratification, even for just a moment,
(25:46):
you strengthen your brain'scapacity for self regulation.
You build emotional resilience.
You grow your presence.
You begin to choose withintention, not compulsion.
And perhaps most importantly,honesty plays a huge role in mental
healing.
Being radically honest abouthow you feel, what you're doing,
why you're doing it, and whatit's costing you can open the door
(26:08):
to lasting change.
When you feel something, thenyou can heal it.
And when you name what's truefor you, you can then focus on the
solutions to help you.
So start by being honest with yourself.
Do it in a way where you'renot making yourself bad or wrong
because we have too much selfcriticism and judgment these days.
(26:28):
But approach it with curiosityand compassion.
Why am I doing this pattern?
What is it doing for me?
Is it really helping me?
Awareness is the first steptowards any kind of healing.
And ultimately, we don't justwant to heal the addiction.
We want to build a life we nolonger need to escape from.
That means making space forreal joy, not just quick pleasure.
(26:51):
Hit joy that nourishes,balances and connects.
Start by filling your lifewith natural dopamine sources that
lift you up without crashingyou down.
Like spending time in nature,dancing, laughing, singing, or getting
creative.
Hugging, meaningfulconversations, shared meals, acts
of affection, intimacy.
(27:11):
These moments of humanconnection are deeply regulating
for the nervous system andhelp us feel safe, seen and satisfied.
Eye contact, holding hands,shared vulnerability, and even just
being truly present withsomeone you love.
These are all slow, steadydopamine activators that nurture
connection as well.
It's about choosing authenticrelationships over superficial ones.
(27:34):
Letting go of the pressure toperform or to compare instead.
Making time for real heartopening connection.
It's also about slowing downenough to actually fill your life
instead of just managing it.
Noticing what's here, what'sgood, what's beautiful, even if it's
small, and creating moments ofstillness or spiritual connection
(27:54):
that remind you that you'realready enough.
Even when life feels messy.
Because when you stopoutsourcing your comfort, when you
stop needing food, alcohol,social media, or someone else's approval
to feel okay, you begin toreclaim your power.
You start showing up foryourself in ways that you long for
others to do.
You become your own emotional anchor.
(28:14):
And that's where true freedom begins.
And the beautiful part is whenyou become what you need for yourself,
you no longer place thatburden on your partner.
You can show up in yourrelationships more Fully more present,
more patient and more open hearted.
You're able to love fromwholeness, not emptiness.
You're not just gettingthrough the days, you're actually
experiencing them together.
(28:35):
This is how healing yourselftransforms how you relate to others.
It's not selfish, it's thefoundation for deeper love, connection
and lasting intimacy.
And here's the thing that Ithink is really important to reflect
on.
It's become such commonpractice these days to medicate ourselves
with dopamine hits.
For years, I was medicatingmyself to fit into the world.
(28:57):
I was escaping rather than engaging.
I was numbing rather than feeling.
But in doing that, I wasmissing out on so much.
But when you're free, you'reable to connect with everything,
nature, animals and others.
Don't get me wrong, it'snatural in our world, I believe,
to long for a relief, a breakfrom the relentless voice in our
(29:17):
head.
Why did I do that?
How come I'm not like them?
Why can't I just be happy?
But what if instead ofescaping life, we turn towards it?
What if we allow thediscomfort to rise, move through
us and then pass?
And when we stop running, werealise we never had to escape ourselves
to find peace.
We only had to come home towhat's real.
(29:37):
If this episode has spoken toyou and you know it's time to make
a shift, please don't feellike you have to do it alone.
Whether it's breaking freefrom a pattern that's draining your
energy, finding healthier waysto release past pain or regulate
your emotions, or just havingsomeone to guide, support and hold
you accountable for thechanges as you reconnect to yourself,
I'm here.
I offer one to one supportonline and I also host private healing
(30:01):
retreats in Asia, where wework together intensively to release
addictive patterns and restorebalance emotionally, mentally and
physically.
If you'd like to exploreworking together, just send me a
message.
Share a little bit about whatyou're going through and what you'd
love to shift or feel moresupported in, and I'll gently guide
you through the next steps.
And we can arrange a freeintroduction call to see if we're
(30:23):
a fit together.
Please know that everythingyou share is held with the utmost
care and kept confidential.
Sometimes simply reaching outis the beginning of everything changing.
And if you know someone whomight be struggling, feel free to
share this episode with them.
It could be the gentle nudgeor clarity that they've been needing.
Lastly, if you found thishelpful, I'd truly appreciate it
(30:46):
if you could leave a quickrating or review.
It helps the show stay visibleso more people can find the support
they need and it really meansa lot to me.
So from my heart to yoursSending you love.
Thank you for listening and Ilook forward to connecting with you
again soon.
Visit nicolabeer.com gift forfree valuable resources designed
(31:06):
to support you Whether you'relooking to revive your relationship,
break free from unhealthypatterns, rebuild your confidence,
or heal after a breakup,everything you need to create the
love life that you deserve isthere waiting for you.
I truly appreciate you being here.
If there's a topic you wouldlike me to cover on this podcast,
or if you're interested inworking with me one to one online
(31:27):
or attending a healing retreatin Asia, I'd love to hear from you.
My contact details are on mywebsite@nicolabeer.com and if you
have a burning question orjust need some guidance, come and
join our warm and welcomingFacebook community.
It's a safe, supportive spacewhere members share valuable insights
and I also answer youranonymous relationship questions.
(31:47):
To join us, simply visitnicolabeer.com Facebook and all the
links I've shared today willbe in the show.
Notes from my heart to yoursTake care and I look forward to connecting
with you again soon.
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