December 21, 2024 • 35 mins
What causes decreased libido? In this episode, Nicola Beer explores the emotional, mental, and relational roots of low libido, how it differs from asexuality, and offers practical tips to restore intimacy, connection, and understanding in relationships.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:04):
Friends.
Isn't it fascinating howrelationships bring us immense joy
but also profound heartache?
There are dance of emotions,yet how often do we truly, deeply,
consciously invest in therelationship we have with ourselves
and loved ones?
(00:25):
That investment, that time andthat energy is the most powerful
gift in you could ever bestowupon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us amanual on handling emotions and communication
challenges, we also weren'ttaught the art of building romantic
(00:45):
ties or how to deeply love andvalue ourselves.
But I'm here to share morelife affirming, relationship enhancing
wisdom with you all.
And now you can also find thistransformational content pouring
onto YouTube and Instagram.
Dive into the show Notes toconnect with all the magic.
(01:08):
Here's for growth, love andendless learning.
Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer and today I'mgoing to be talking about the four
main causes of decreasedlibido and how it differs from asexuality.
In a world that oftenglorifies sexual intimacy and exploration,
individuals experiencingdecreased libido may feel misunderstood
(01:32):
or alienated.
Societal expectations ofsexual vitality can amplify feelings
of inadequacy, shame, and isolation.
However, decreased libido is acomplex issue rooted in diverse and
deeply personal causes.
In this episode, we're goingto explore the main causes of decreased
libido and the emotional andrelational impact that it can have
(01:54):
on individuals and couples.
We'll also discuss asexuality,what it means, and how it differs
from decreased libido.
As through my work I'venoticed that many people are unclear
on this distinction.
I won't be discussing sexualtrauma or a fear of sex, which I
deal with quite a lot, becauseI'm going to dedicate a whole episode
to that coming up.
(02:14):
So do subscribe to the show ifyou're interested in that, or if
you haven't already and youwant to make sure that you get all
of these relationship topics.
And lastly, we'll dive into afew actionable strategies for individuals
and couples seekingunderstanding and healing when it
comes to libido so libido, orsexual desire, is a multifaceted
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component of human experience.
It is influenced by a delicateinterplay of biological and psychological
and social factors, making ita dynamic aspect of life rather than
a fixed trait.
While fluctuating levels oflibido are normal, prolonged or significant
decreases can indicate deeper issues.
One of the key areas I oftenexplore with individuals seeking
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help for low libido is theirmental health and overall well being.
Mental health challenges suchas depression, anxiety and chronic
Stress are among the mostcommon and significant contributors
to low libido.
These conditions disrupt thedelicate interplay between emotional,
psychological andphysiological factors required for
healthy sexual desire.
(03:16):
So let's talk about depressionand libido.
Depression often diminishesinterest in activities that once
brought joy, including sexual intimacy.
This is not simply a lack ofinterest, but a result of complex
changes in brain chemistry.
Depression can reduce levelsof dopamine, serotonin and other
neurotransmitters involved infeelings of pleasure and reward.
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Depression can also contributeto feelings of fatigue, heart hopelessness
and emotional withdrawal,making sexual activity seem overwhelming
or unappealing.
Increasing feelings of lowself worth and negative body image
are also associated withdepression and this can reduce confidence
and inhibit the desire forphysical intimacy.
A study published in theJournal of Sexual Medicine found
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that individuals withdepressive symptoms were significantly
more likely to report sexualdysfunction, including low libido.
Additionally, manyantidepressants, particularly SSRIs,
can further suppress sexualdesire as a side effect, complicating
the relationship betweendepression and libido.
Then there's anxiety and libido.
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Anxiety, particularlyperformance anxiety or generalised
anxiety, can severely impact libido.
When a person is consumed byworries, whether about their relationship,
career or personal performanceor other external stressors, they
can often enter a fight orflight state.
And in this state, the bodydiverts resources away from non essential
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functions like sexual arousal.
The brain becomes hyperfocused on potential threats, reducing
the ability to relax and feel connected.
Intrusive thoughts or fearsabout any area of your life can prevent
sexual desire from naturally arising.
And as the central nervoussystem is in this hyper alert state,
scanning for safety, trying tosurvive, it's so exhausting, it can
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be such a big drain of energythat the person can't even think
about being intimate becausethey're just so tired of all the
thoughts.
The American Psychologicalassociation highlights that anxiety
is often linked with avoidancebehaviors, including avoiding intimacy.
This avoidance furtherexacerbates the feelings of isolation,
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which can negatively impactaffects both libido and emotional
connection in relationships.
And then there's chronicstress and libido.
We are today, unfortunately,in a stress epidemic.
And chronic stress causesprolonged activation of the body's
stress response system,leading to an overall production
of cortisol, the stress hormone.
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Elevated cortisol levels canlower testosterone, a hormone essential
for sexual desire in both menand women.
It can interfere with therelease of oxytocin, a hormone associated
with bonding and intimacy.
It can cause physical fatigueand emotional exhaustion, reducing
the capacity for sexualactivity in Addition, the psychological
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toll of chronic stress oftenleads to irritability, reduced emotional
resilience, and difficultyconnecting with a partner, further
diminishing libido.
A study published by thePsychosomatic Medicine demonstrated
that individuals with highlevels of perceived stress were more
likely to experience sexual dysfunction.
The stress also negativelyimpacted their satisfaction with
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intimacy, creating a cycle offrustration and disconnection.
Because if it's not rewarding,then you're going to avoid it even
more.
And this is where couples canget stuck.
And often in our currentsociety, with the increase of stress
and lack of helpful solutionsout there, people can stay stuck.
Mental health challenges oftenbring with them a host of insecurities
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and unresolved issues that canfurther suppress sexual desire.
Low self worth is somethingthat I focus on helping individuals
overcome in my breakthroughprogram, as when people don't feel
good about themselves, eitherwhere they are in life, their personality,
or they're carrying guilt,shame, regret, people often withdraw
from their partners.
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It may look like refusingpositive compliments, not being able
to see themselves in adesirable way, or not being able
to think of themselves in apositive light.
This then can lead the personto rejecting advances and shutting
themselves down.
Isolating negative body image,too, is a major cause of avoiding
intimacy.
Anxiety about physicalappearance can prevent individuals
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from feeling comfortable orconfident in intimate situations.
I've had people come to mefeeling blocked sexually because
they believe that their bodyis disgusting.
They label themselves as beingfat, unattractive, too old, too wrinkly,
or having too many scars.
They're so critical andjudgmental of themselves.
And this negative thoughtpattern needs to be stopped so that
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they can not only enjoy theirrelationship life again, but their
overall life.
Because when these negativethoughts are on repeat, they're consistent.
They really drain you, andit's hard for the positivity to come
through.
Unresolved trauma can alsohave a massive impact on the frequency
of intimacy and the quality of intimacy.
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Past experiences, particularlythose involving abuse or betrayal,
or any other difficultexperiences that you've gone through
where you've been hurt inrelationships, deeply hurt, emotionally,
feeling rejected, neglected,and carrying that pain can make physical
intimacy a source of fear anddiscomfort rather than pleasure.
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I work with a lot of peoplewho share with me that in their teens,
in their 20s, sometimes intheir 30s and 40s, they force themselves
into sexual experiencesbecause they didn't have the courage
to say no.
And this kind of pushing yourown body to do things that you don't
want to do sometimes can latercome up and cause a problem in the
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current relationship.
So that can be really helpfulto explore and to free yourself from,
because if you force yourselfto do something, then it's really
not good for you.
Emotionally, physically, mentally.
We need to listen to ourbodies and we need to heal the past
so that we can enjoy the present.
According to the Journal ofTrauma and Disassociation, individuals
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with unresolved trauma aremore likely to experiencing difficulties
with sexual arousal and desire.
This often stems fromhypervigilance or avoidance behaviours
as the body attempts toprotect itself from perceived emotional
or physical threats.
So that's mental health challenges.
So the next topic that I justexplore when couples come to me or
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individuals come to me toenhance their sex life is the relationship
dynamic.
Relationship dynamics play apivotal role in shaping sexual desire.
Emotional connection, mutualunderstanding and shared intimacy
are integral to a fulfillingsexual relationship.
When these dynamics arestrained, whether through unresolved
conflicts, mix, matchedexpectations or emotional disconnection,
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it can lead to a significantdecline in libido for one or both
partners.
Emotional disconnection isoften the culprit, which is why the
first step in my relationshipprograms focus on helping couples
become closer with actions.
Some people can enjoy sexualintimacy without it, but the majority
of people can't.
Emotional intimacy serves as afoundation for physical intimacy.
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When partners feeldisconnected emotionally, the desire
for physical closeness tendsto diminish.
Emotional disconnection canarise from a lack of quality time
or meaningful communication.
Feelings of beingunappreciated or unsupported.
Lingering resentment from pastdisagreements or betrayals.
Feeling unseen, misunderstoodor alone.
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Without an emotionalconnection, physical intimacy may
feel mechanical or forced,leading to avoidance of sexual activity
altogether.
A study published in theArchives of Sexual Behaviour found
that emotional closeness isone of the most critical predictors
of sexual desire in long term relationships.
Couples who reported higherlevels of emotional connection were
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significantly more likely tomaintain a healthy sex life over
time.
It's really important not toforce sexual intimacy because it
harms both the individual andthe relationship.
As I've mentioned, when you goagainst your own wishes and push
your body in a way, you'retelling yourself that my needs and
my feelings don't matter.
I must repress my needs toplease others.
And when we repress ouremotions and needs, it can lead to
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physical health problems aswell as mental health challenges.
It's far better to resolve therelationship issues and express yourself
emotionally than than keepeverything in.
And it's important to createthat safe place where you can do
that in your relationship.
Then there's unresolvedconflicts, lingering conflicts, whether
major or minor can createtension that permeates all aspects
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of a relationship.
Unresolved arguments ordisagreements may lead to feelings
of resentment and anger thatsuppress the desire for intimacy.
Conflicts can also lead to theavoidance of physical closeness as
a form of punishment or self protection.
And conflicts can increasestress levels which further inhibit
sexual desire, as I mentionedabout the stress earlier.
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So without propercommunication and conflict resolution,
these issues can snowball,making it increasingly difficult
to rekindle physical intimacy.
Sara, 42, and Raj, 45, havebeen married for 14 years.
Over the past two years, theirrelationship had been marked by frequent
arguments about finances andparenting styles.
These unresolved conflictscreated a tense environment at their
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home, leading to a gradualdecline in their sex life.
Sara felt unsupported by Rajwhen it came to managing household
and child rearing responsibilities.
Where Raj felt unappreciatedfor his financial contributions and
the lifestyle that heprovided, the lack of acknowledgement
and the growing resentmentbetween them caused them both to
withdraw emotionally.
After months of avoiding thetopic, Sara suggested couples counseling.
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Through therapy, they learnedto express their frustrations without
blame and began to rebuild trust.
As they worked togetherthrough their conflicts and focused
on making each other feelloved, wanted, and supported, their
emotional connection improvedand their sexual intimacy began to
return.
It can't be done by justtalking, though, which is why traditional
marriage counselling thatfocus on what's gone wrong and what
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you're both feeling about thepast over and over often doesn't
work.
You need to focus on theactions that you can take to let
go of the past, the ways toovercome and prevent conflict in
the areas that come up regularly.
And focus on how you can showeach other love and appreciation
in the present and the futurecontinually, not just be good for
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a few weeks and then letthings slip back to how they were.
Remember that communicationdoes nothing without the action steps
that follow it, and thoseactions need to be consistent.
The Journal of FamilyPsychology highlights that couples
who engage in healthy conflictresolution are more likely to maintain
sexual satisfaction in their relationships.
On the other hand, couples whoavoid or mishandle conflicts are
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at higher risk of experiencingsexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction.
So brushing things under thecarpet and avoiding conflict will
only create more negativityand a damaging distance between a
couple.
And yet so many people avoid confrontation.
And I know I used to do it inmy relationship, I think, well, I'll
choose peace.
But in the end it does comeback to bite you.
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So if you can't easily speakup for yourself, then perhaps write
down what you're thinking andfeeling and then ask to share that
or work on with a therapisthow to express yourself in a different
way or in a more open, safe,transparent way that's going to help
the couple.
So the third area when itcomes to relationships that I look
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at is the mismatchedexpectations around intimacy.
Partners often have differingneeds and expectations when it comes
to intimacy.
These mismatches can result infeelings of rejection or inadequacy
for one partner, while theother may feel pressured or misunderstood.
Common mismatches includediscrepancies in libido levels, where
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one partner desires sex morefrequent in the other.
Then there's also differencesin the preferred forms of intimacy.
Physical affection versusverbal affirmation and appreciation.
And then there's misalignedtiming, where one partner really
wants to have sex at the endof the day so they can sleep better
and the other person is not anevening person.
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They're really tired and it'sjust the wrong time for them.
Without open, empatheticcommunication, these mismatches can
lead to frustration,misunderstandings, the avoidance
of sexual activity altogether.
So it's so important toaddress it.
A study in the Journal ofSexual research found that 34% of
couples experience mismatchedlibidos at some point in their relationship.
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34%.
So it's really common.
And whilst these mismatchesare common, couples who openly discuss
their desires and findcompromises are significantly more
likely to maintain theirsatisfaction in their sex life and
and then in their overallrelationship life.
And then lastly, let's talkabout relational strain.
When relational strain goesunaddressed, it often leads to avoidance
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behaviors.
Partners may withdrawemotionally, physically or both as
a way of coping withunresolved tensions.
This cycle of avoidance candeepen feelings of disconnection
and loneliness, erode thetrust and security in the relationship,
make the prospect of physicalintimacy feel daunting or undesirable.
Michael and Laura had beentogether for eight years.
Over time, Michael began tofeel rejected and irritated when
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Laura turned down hisadvances, while Laura felt overwhelmed
by the demands of parentingand her career and couldn't take
much more on.
Rather than discussing theirfeelings, Michael withdrew emotionally,
coming distant and less communicative.
Laura, sensing his withdrawal,began to feel guilty, but also frustrated
that he didn't understand howtired and drained she was.
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This cycle continued until itgot to a point where Laura questioned
if they should stay togetherand asked Michael to move out for
a few weeks to give her some space.
Before they took that step,they came to me for help, both individually
and together.
I helped them to address theunderlying issues and conflict over
intimacy.
I helped Michael to manage theanxiety he had over Laura not wanting
sex because he had panickedbelieving that she wasn't interested
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in him, that she was going toleave him, and they even got him
questioning whether she wascheating because the more Laura set
her boundaries, the morepanicked and needy he had become,
which was making Lauradistance herself even more.
They agreed for the next twoto three months to focus on ways
to reconnect emotionally,taking sex off the table for the
moment.
We focused on regularemotional check ins every single
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day where they'd share abouttheir day, how they felt, what happened,
and also what they needed fromeach other.
They also prioritised qualitytime away from the children with
an aim just to enjoy and have fun.
They agreed not to talk aboutanything heavy, not to talk about
the chores or things that hadto be done so they could experience
feeling relaxed in eachother's company.
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These steps eventually led tothe rekindling of physical intimacy.
The relationship betweenemotional and physical intimacy is
reciprocal.
Emotional closeness fosterssexual desire.
Sexual intimacy reinforcesemotional bonds.
Some people need affection togive sex and others need sex to give
affection.
If this is happening in yourrelationship, then start both giving
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at the same time.
When either the emotional orphysical aspect is neglected, the
other often suffers.
Addressing emotionaldisconnection or strain in a relationship
is the key to restoring ahealthy libido for both partners.
By fostering opencommunication, addressing underlying
issues, and seekingprofessional support when needed,
couples can rebuild bothemotional and physical intimacy,
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strengthening theirrelationship in the process.
If your relationship and yourmental health is in a good place,
then still your libido candecline due to hormonal changes and
other lifestyle factors.
So let's explore them now.
I'm sure you already know thathormones are chemical messengers
that regulate numerous bodilyfunctions, including sexual desire.
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Fluctuations or imbalances inhormone levels can significantly
affect libido, andunderstanding this connection is
vital for addressing lowsexual desire if the other things
are good in your life.
Testosterone plays a crucialrole in driving libido for all genders.
Low levels can result inreduced sexual desire, fatigue, and
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even mood changes.
Testosterone naturallydecreases with age, particularly
in men over 30 and womenduring menopause or or postpartum.
In women, estrogen levelsfluctuate during the menstrual cycle,
during pregnancy and menopause.
Low estrogen common duringmenopause can lead to vaginal dryness
and discomfort during sex,reducing, of course, desire.
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Because if it's painful andit's non enjoyable, then you're not
going to want to keeprepeating it.
And then also high levels ofprogesterone can also suppress libido
and so can some contraceptivesthat women take.
And as I mentioned earlier,chronic stress elevates cortisol
levels which suppresses otherhormones like testosterone and estrogen,
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reducing the sexual drive.
So it can be a really goodidea to go and get your hormone levels
checked and then you candecide with your doctor or specialist
whether you want to take anysupplements to help you increase
that.
And then there's chronichealth conditions.
Certain health conditions ofcourse can interfere with hormone
production, circulation,energy levels, which are all vital
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for sexual desire.
Diabetes can damage nerves andblood vessels, reducing sensitivity
and blood flow needed forsexual arousal.
Thyroid disorders can have an impact.
They can cause anxiety,restlessness that diminish desire.
Cardiovascular disease canaffect it, so can obesity.
So these are all things thatyou can look out for and perhaps
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get help for.
And then there's alsomedications that people are on such
as antidepressants, as Imentioned, hormonal contraceptives,
blood pressure medicationsthat can lead to a diminished sex
drive.
And I want to say that it'snormal for libido to fluctuate due
to life circumstances ortemporary stressors outside or within
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the relationship.
However, persistent changes insexual desire, particularly when
accompanied by other symptoms,may indicate an underlying hormonal
imbalance or health issue.
So definitely consider goingto a doctor for a hormonal evaluation
if you notice a persistent lowlibido, unexplained fatigue, mood
changes, physical symptomslike vaginal dryness or discomfort
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during sex, erectiledysfunction or difficulty maintaining
arousal, unexplained weightgain or difficulty losing weight,
menstrual irregularities, hairand skin changes.
Blood tests can be done tomeasure these hormone levels and
support you.
So lastly, let's look atlifestyle factors and their impact
on libido.
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Lifestyle factors can play asignificant role in shaping sexual
health and desire.
Poor habits, lack of self careand certain substances can lead to
physical and psychologicalchanges that diminish libido.
Addressing these factors isoften a crucial step in restoring
the sexual energy and andoverall well being.
So sleep sleep is thefoundation to both physical and emotional
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health.
Chronic sleep deprivation orpoor quality sleep can negatively
impact libido by disruptinghormone levels, reducing energy levels,
affecting mood and mental health.
A study published in theJournal of Sexual Medicine found
that women who reported bettersleep duration and better sleep quality
were 14% more likely to engagein sexual activity the next day.
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Similarly, sleep disorderslike sleep anapia in men are Closely
associated with reducedtestosterone levels and erectile
dysfunction.
So really focus on helpingeach other to increase your quality
and duration of sleep.
Then there's lack of exercise.
Exercise is not only vital forphysical fitness, but also has a
direct impact on sexual healthand desire.
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A lack of regular physicalactivity can lead to decreased circulation,
broad blood flow and this isgoing to affect the sexual arousal
and performance.
It can lead to lower energy levels.
Sedentary habits can lead tofatigue and lethargy, leaving little
motivation for intimacy.
Reduced confidence, physicalinactivity can contribute to weight
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gain and a negative body imageand diminishing sexual confidence.
Increased stress Exercise is anatural stress reliever and in its
absence can increase exuberatethe feelings of anxiety which inhibit
sexual desire.
The positive impact ofexercise is that it improves your
mood throughout, releasing endorphins.
It boosts energy and stamina.
It enhances blood flow and iscrucial for arousal and performance.
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A study from the Psychology ofSport and Exercise found that individuals
who engaged in regularphysical activity reported higher
levels of sexual satisfactionand frequency compared to those with
sedentary lifestyles.
And then there's eating, of course.
Nutrition plays a pivotal rolein overall health and libido.
Diets and high processedfoods, sugars and unhealthy fats
can negatively impact sexualhealth by contributing to weight
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gain and affecting the hormones.
Lowering energy levels cause inflammation.
And foods that boost libidoare zinc rich foods.
Pumpkin seeds, oysters.
These can support hormone production.
Dark chocolate contains acompound that increases dopamine
levels, enhancing feelings of pleasure.
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Fruits like watermelon andberries can improve blood flow.
Healthy fats, salmon,avocados, nuts, etc are essential
for also hormone regulation soyou can eat differently and that
can also impact libido.
And then there's substance useand libido.
So while substances likealcohol and recreational drugs may
lower inhibitions in the shortterm, so their long term effects
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often diminish libido andsexual satisfaction.
Alcohol in small amounts canreduce social anxiety and increase
feelings of relaxation.
However, chronic use and overconsumption can impair sexual performance
by reducing the blood flow anddulling the nervous system.
Long term abuse can lead tohormonal balances, particularly lower
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testosterone levels which arecrucial for sexual desire.
Then there's weed, cannabis.
While some report increasedsensitivity or desire after using
cannabis, regular loose canlead to reduced testosterone levels
and decreased overall libido.
So it depends on the amount of course.
So you know yourself if thisis a problem for you and maybe it's
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something to look at.
And then there's other ofcourse, recreational substances,
which can give you aheightened sense of confidence, but
in the long term can impactthe relationship in negative ways
and result in emotional withdrawal.
A review in the AddictiveBehaviours Journal found that while
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alcohol and recreational drugscan lower inhibitions temporarily,
they are often associated withlong term declines in sexual performance
and satisfaction due to theirimpact on physical health, hormones
and emotional well being.
So lifestyle factors such assleep, exercise, diet and substance
use are critical tomaintaining a healthy sex life.
While poor habits can diminishsexual desire, positive habits can
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have transformative effects.
So really focusing on youroverall health and well being is
a great place to start.
Because low libido is rarely astandalone issue, is often a reflection
of deeper emotional struggles,making a vital indicator of overall
mental well being.
Understanding the complexinterplay between mental health and
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libido is essential for thoseexperiencing difficulties and for
their partners.
With the right support andresources, it's possible to break
the cycle of stress, anxietyor depression and restore both intimacy
and emotional connection.
As low libido can lead tofeelings of inadequacy, strain in
relationships, frustration,then it's important to also recognize
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that libido isn't a measure oflove and it certainly doesn't make
a person a poor partner.
Instead, it serves as areflection of underlying factors
that deserve exploration and care.
So if there is low libidohappening in your relationship, take
a compassionate approach.
Get to the root causes, workthrough those, and then see how things
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unfold and get support.
I'm going to share some tipswith you in a moment.
Before I do that, I want tomention a term you may or may have
not heard of, and that's asexual.
Asexuality and low libido areoften misunderstood and confused,
but they are fundamentallydifferent concepts.
It's essential to distinguishbetween the two if you and your partner
are experiencing this, and toapproach these topics with clarity
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and empathy.
Asexuality is a sexualorientation characterized by the
absence of sexual attraction.
It's not a choice, a temporary condition.
Rather, it's an inherentaspect of a person's identity.
According to the AsexualVisibility and Education Network,
an asexual person does notexperience sexual attraction.
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They are not drawn to peoplesexually, and do not desire to act
upon attraction to others in asexual way.
The key points aboutasexuality it's not a fear or a condition.
Asexuality is not caused bytrauma, low libido, or a fear of
sexual 2.
Some asexual people may stillengage in sexual activity, often
for emotional or romanticreasons even if they do not feel
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sexual attraction.
And of course asexualityexists on a spectrum.
So it's not black and whiteand there's not one size fits all.
Low libido, on the other hand,refers to a diminished desire for
sexual activity.
It's not a sexual orientation,but rather a state or condition that
can result from the variousfactors that I discussed.
This is how Aven defined thedifferences between asexuality and
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low libido.
Asexuality is not a choice,it's an orientation.
Abstaining from sex due to lowlibido or fear is a choice influenced
by personal or situational factors.
While low libido and fear ofsex can be often addressed or treated.
Asexuality is an intrinsicaspect of a person's identity.
Asexuality involves a lack ofsexual attraction while low libido
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is a reduced desire for sexualactivity that might still involve
attraction.
Paula and Marina came to me torepair their relationship.
To help them navigate theirfuture together.
Paula and Marina's sex lifewas infrequent.
They had been married forseven years and had two small children
together via IVF and in thatseven years have barely had any sexual
moments at all.
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Marina thought that the tryingfor a baby before IVF had put Paul
off sex.
And she wanted to see how theycould make their intimate life more
rewarding.
They didn't have sex beforemarriage because of their religious
beliefs.
Marina was feeling reallyrejected and concerned.
She didn't have any first handexperience but thought that sex would
be passionate and frequentlike she's seen in the movies and
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heard from her friends.
Paul had been reading up abouthis low libido as he felt guilt and
shame that he just wasn'tinterested in sex, he never had been
and hoped that by beingmarried it it might change that,
but it didn't.
Paul identified himself asasexual and he couldn't force himself
to make himself do things thathe didn't like to do or wasn't into
just to make her happy.
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He dreaded her advances andstarted to withdraw from her.
Marina was deeply hurt at thefirst and found it hard to understand,
but decided that she loved himand she loved their family unit more.
So she was willing to accept it.
Working together, we redefinedintimacy in their relationship focusing
on shared activities,emotional closeness and non sexual
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affection.
Paul had been scared to hug orkiss her before in case she wanted
more.
But now they knew what theirboundaries were.
They knew that sex was off the table.
They both felt safer.
This Shift allowed Paul tothen give her a lot of hugs, massages,
more loving romantic gesturesand kind words.
The shift also allowed Marinato feel grateful for what she had
(31:17):
and and this shift allowedthem to grow and strengthen their
relationship and partnership.
They were able to move pastthe resentment and blame that they
were stuck in before.
When one partner is asexual,it can introduce unique dynamics
into a relationship.
Couples may need to openlycommunicate about needs and boundaries.
Explore non sexual forms ofintimacy to strengthen their connection.
(31:39):
Seek guidance from acounsellor or therapist.
Experience in Sexuality andRelationships Understanding your
sexual orientation is deeplypersonal and it can take time.
For some, asexuality becomesclear early in life, while others
may take more time orexperiences to determine whether
they fit on that spectrum.
(31:59):
It's also important torecognise that sexual preferences
can evolve over time.
Cultural taboos and societalexpectations about sex may prevent
some individuals from openlyacknowledging their asexuality or
low libido.
When we repress things, ourmental and physical health can suffer.
So it's important to talk tosomeone who you trust rather than
going through it alone.
(32:19):
And if you find yourselfstruggling with these challenges,
consider the contributingfactors discussed today and then
take the appropriate actionsto help you.
For couples, create a safespace to discuss feelings, needs
and desires without judgment,using I statements to express emotions
and avoid blame.
Explore non sexual ways toconnect, such as shared hobbies and
(32:40):
interests, engagingconversations about topics that you
both enjoy talking about,emotionally supporting one another,
emotionally checking in witheach other, giving each other attention
and your presence.
Physical affection such ashugs, massages or holding hands can
build closeness without pressure.
Instead of fixating onproblems, explore creative ways to
(33:01):
meet each other's needs.
Always focus on actions thatyou can take and be solution driven.
After you've expressedyourselves, talk about okay, what's
the plan?
What will we do?
How will we move forward?
What steps can we take?
It's so essential to challengesocietal narratives too, that equate
sexual activity with happinessor success.
Intimacy can take many formsand a fulfilling relationship can
(33:23):
thrive on emotional,intellectual and spiritual connections
too.
By expanding the definition ofintimacy, individuals and couples
can create deeper, moremeaningful bonds.
Decreased libido are personalchallenges that require patience
and empathy and a willingnessto explore underlying causes.
Whether the goal is toreignite desire or redefine intimacy,
(33:44):
the journey is unique to eachindividual and couple.
By prioritizing communication,self awareness and professional support,
it's possible to overcomethese challenges and build relationships
rooted in trust, respect and adeep connection.
And if you're looking toincrease your connection further
then I recommend that youcheck out my Relationship Toolkit.
It's absolutely free.
(34:05):
It has lots of different waysto reconnect without talking, how
to also enhance yourcommunication, and how to work on
becoming closer.
You can get that by going tomy website nicolabeer.com gift and
you'll see the gift page withall the different gifts that I offer
there.
And you can also find the linkin the show notes.
(34:26):
It's called the RelationshipReconnect Toolkit.
So from my heart to yours,wishing you an amazing week ahead.
Take great care of yourselfand each other.
Dear listeners, today Icelebrate you.
You are among the few whoactively nurture their love journey.
(34:50):
It's an act of courage, an actof self love and if today's episode
resonated with you, be abeacon for others.
Subscribe, rate and review.
Let's spread this love andwisdom far and wide.
Craving more?
Discover the freeresources@nicolabeer.com you can
(35:11):
also find the links to helpfulgifts in the Show Notes.
Do also join our Relationshipand Wellness Facebook group.
It's a haven where we uplift,support and journey together towards
richer, deeper love stories.
Remember, you have the powerto craft the love story you deserve.
(35:33):
Thank you for being with metoday and until next time.
Keep shining and loving withall your heart.
Friends.
Isn't it fascinating howrelationships bring us immense joy
but also profound heartache?
There are dance of emotions,yet how often do we truly, deeply,
consciously invest in therelationship we have with ourselves
and loved ones?
(00:25):
That investment, that time andthat energy is the most powerful
gift in you could ever bestowupon yourself and those you love.
As life didn't give us amanual on handling emotions and communication
challenges, we also weren'ttaught the art of building romantic
(00:45):
ties or how to deeply love andvalue ourselves.
But I'm here to share morelife affirming, relationship enhancing
wisdom with you all.
And now you can also find thistransformational content pouring
onto YouTube and Instagram.
Dive into the show Notes toconnect with all the magic.
(01:08):
Here's for growth, love andendless learning.
Hi and welcome.
I'm Nicola Beer and today I'mgoing to be talking about the four
main causes of decreasedlibido and how it differs from asexuality.
In a world that oftenglorifies sexual intimacy and exploration,
individuals experiencingdecreased libido may feel misunderstood
(01:32):
or alienated.
Societal expectations ofsexual vitality can amplify feelings
of inadequacy, shame, and isolation.
However, decreased libido is acomplex issue rooted in diverse and
deeply personal causes.
In this episode, we're goingto explore the main causes of decreased
libido and the emotional andrelational impact that it can have
(01:54):
on individuals and couples.
We'll also discuss asexuality,what it means, and how it differs
from decreased libido.
As through my work I'venoticed that many people are unclear
on this distinction.
I won't be discussing sexualtrauma or a fear of sex, which I
deal with quite a lot, becauseI'm going to dedicate a whole episode
to that coming up.
(02:14):
So do subscribe to the show ifyou're interested in that, or if
you haven't already and youwant to make sure that you get all
of these relationship topics.
And lastly, we'll dive into afew actionable strategies for individuals
and couples seekingunderstanding and healing when it
comes to libido so libido, orsexual desire, is a multifaceted
(02:34):
component of human experience.
It is influenced by a delicateinterplay of biological and psychological
and social factors, making ita dynamic aspect of life rather than
a fixed trait.
While fluctuating levels oflibido are normal, prolonged or significant
decreases can indicate deeper issues.
One of the key areas I oftenexplore with individuals seeking
(02:56):
help for low libido is theirmental health and overall well being.
Mental health challenges suchas depression, anxiety and chronic
Stress are among the mostcommon and significant contributors
to low libido.
These conditions disrupt thedelicate interplay between emotional,
psychological andphysiological factors required for
healthy sexual desire.
(03:16):
So let's talk about depressionand libido.
Depression often diminishesinterest in activities that once
brought joy, including sexual intimacy.
This is not simply a lack ofinterest, but a result of complex
changes in brain chemistry.
Depression can reduce levelsof dopamine, serotonin and other
neurotransmitters involved infeelings of pleasure and reward.
(03:37):
Depression can also contributeto feelings of fatigue, heart hopelessness
and emotional withdrawal,making sexual activity seem overwhelming
or unappealing.
Increasing feelings of lowself worth and negative body image
are also associated withdepression and this can reduce confidence
and inhibit the desire forphysical intimacy.
A study published in theJournal of Sexual Medicine found
(03:59):
that individuals withdepressive symptoms were significantly
more likely to report sexualdysfunction, including low libido.
Additionally, manyantidepressants, particularly SSRIs,
can further suppress sexualdesire as a side effect, complicating
the relationship betweendepression and libido.
Then there's anxiety and libido.
(04:20):
Anxiety, particularlyperformance anxiety or generalised
anxiety, can severely impact libido.
When a person is consumed byworries, whether about their relationship,
career or personal performanceor other external stressors, they
can often enter a fight orflight state.
And in this state, the bodydiverts resources away from non essential
(04:42):
functions like sexual arousal.
The brain becomes hyperfocused on potential threats, reducing
the ability to relax and feel connected.
Intrusive thoughts or fearsabout any area of your life can prevent
sexual desire from naturally arising.
And as the central nervoussystem is in this hyper alert state,
scanning for safety, trying tosurvive, it's so exhausting, it can
(05:06):
be such a big drain of energythat the person can't even think
about being intimate becausethey're just so tired of all the
thoughts.
The American Psychologicalassociation highlights that anxiety
is often linked with avoidancebehaviors, including avoiding intimacy.
This avoidance furtherexacerbates the feelings of isolation,
(05:26):
which can negatively impactaffects both libido and emotional
connection in relationships.
And then there's chronicstress and libido.
We are today, unfortunately,in a stress epidemic.
And chronic stress causesprolonged activation of the body's
stress response system,leading to an overall production
of cortisol, the stress hormone.
(05:47):
Elevated cortisol levels canlower testosterone, a hormone essential
for sexual desire in both menand women.
It can interfere with therelease of oxytocin, a hormone associated
with bonding and intimacy.
It can cause physical fatigueand emotional exhaustion, reducing
the capacity for sexualactivity in Addition, the psychological
(06:08):
toll of chronic stress oftenleads to irritability, reduced emotional
resilience, and difficultyconnecting with a partner, further
diminishing libido.
A study published by thePsychosomatic Medicine demonstrated
that individuals with highlevels of perceived stress were more
likely to experience sexual dysfunction.
The stress also negativelyimpacted their satisfaction with
(06:29):
intimacy, creating a cycle offrustration and disconnection.
Because if it's not rewarding,then you're going to avoid it even
more.
And this is where couples canget stuck.
And often in our currentsociety, with the increase of stress
and lack of helpful solutionsout there, people can stay stuck.
Mental health challenges oftenbring with them a host of insecurities
(06:52):
and unresolved issues that canfurther suppress sexual desire.
Low self worth is somethingthat I focus on helping individuals
overcome in my breakthroughprogram, as when people don't feel
good about themselves, eitherwhere they are in life, their personality,
or they're carrying guilt,shame, regret, people often withdraw
from their partners.
(07:13):
It may look like refusingpositive compliments, not being able
to see themselves in adesirable way, or not being able
to think of themselves in apositive light.
This then can lead the personto rejecting advances and shutting
themselves down.
Isolating negative body image,too, is a major cause of avoiding
intimacy.
Anxiety about physicalappearance can prevent individuals
(07:35):
from feeling comfortable orconfident in intimate situations.
I've had people come to mefeeling blocked sexually because
they believe that their bodyis disgusting.
They label themselves as beingfat, unattractive, too old, too wrinkly,
or having too many scars.
They're so critical andjudgmental of themselves.
And this negative thoughtpattern needs to be stopped so that
(07:56):
they can not only enjoy theirrelationship life again, but their
overall life.
Because when these negativethoughts are on repeat, they're consistent.
They really drain you, andit's hard for the positivity to come
through.
Unresolved trauma can alsohave a massive impact on the frequency
of intimacy and the quality of intimacy.
(08:16):
Past experiences, particularlythose involving abuse or betrayal,
or any other difficultexperiences that you've gone through
where you've been hurt inrelationships, deeply hurt, emotionally,
feeling rejected, neglected,and carrying that pain can make physical
intimacy a source of fear anddiscomfort rather than pleasure.
(08:37):
I work with a lot of peoplewho share with me that in their teens,
in their 20s, sometimes intheir 30s and 40s, they force themselves
into sexual experiencesbecause they didn't have the courage
to say no.
And this kind of pushing yourown body to do things that you don't
want to do sometimes can latercome up and cause a problem in the
(09:01):
current relationship.
So that can be really helpfulto explore and to free yourself from,
because if you force yourselfto do something, then it's really
not good for you.
Emotionally, physically, mentally.
We need to listen to ourbodies and we need to heal the past
so that we can enjoy the present.
According to the Journal ofTrauma and Disassociation, individuals
(09:23):
with unresolved trauma aremore likely to experiencing difficulties
with sexual arousal and desire.
This often stems fromhypervigilance or avoidance behaviours
as the body attempts toprotect itself from perceived emotional
or physical threats.
So that's mental health challenges.
So the next topic that I justexplore when couples come to me or
(09:43):
individuals come to me toenhance their sex life is the relationship
dynamic.
Relationship dynamics play apivotal role in shaping sexual desire.
Emotional connection, mutualunderstanding and shared intimacy
are integral to a fulfillingsexual relationship.
When these dynamics arestrained, whether through unresolved
conflicts, mix, matchedexpectations or emotional disconnection,
(10:07):
it can lead to a significantdecline in libido for one or both
partners.
Emotional disconnection isoften the culprit, which is why the
first step in my relationshipprograms focus on helping couples
become closer with actions.
Some people can enjoy sexualintimacy without it, but the majority
of people can't.
Emotional intimacy serves as afoundation for physical intimacy.
(10:30):
When partners feeldisconnected emotionally, the desire
for physical closeness tendsto diminish.
Emotional disconnection canarise from a lack of quality time
or meaningful communication.
Feelings of beingunappreciated or unsupported.
Lingering resentment from pastdisagreements or betrayals.
Feeling unseen, misunderstoodor alone.
(10:50):
Without an emotionalconnection, physical intimacy may
feel mechanical or forced,leading to avoidance of sexual activity
altogether.
A study published in theArchives of Sexual Behaviour found
that emotional closeness isone of the most critical predictors
of sexual desire in long term relationships.
Couples who reported higherlevels of emotional connection were
(11:11):
significantly more likely tomaintain a healthy sex life over
time.
It's really important not toforce sexual intimacy because it
harms both the individual andthe relationship.
As I've mentioned, when you goagainst your own wishes and push
your body in a way, you'retelling yourself that my needs and
my feelings don't matter.
I must repress my needs toplease others.
And when we repress ouremotions and needs, it can lead to
(11:33):
physical health problems aswell as mental health challenges.
It's far better to resolve therelationship issues and express yourself
emotionally than than keepeverything in.
And it's important to createthat safe place where you can do
that in your relationship.
Then there's unresolvedconflicts, lingering conflicts, whether
major or minor can createtension that permeates all aspects
(11:54):
of a relationship.
Unresolved arguments ordisagreements may lead to feelings
of resentment and anger thatsuppress the desire for intimacy.
Conflicts can also lead to theavoidance of physical closeness as
a form of punishment or self protection.
And conflicts can increasestress levels which further inhibit
sexual desire, as I mentionedabout the stress earlier.
(12:16):
So without propercommunication and conflict resolution,
these issues can snowball,making it increasingly difficult
to rekindle physical intimacy.
Sara, 42, and Raj, 45, havebeen married for 14 years.
Over the past two years, theirrelationship had been marked by frequent
arguments about finances andparenting styles.
These unresolved conflictscreated a tense environment at their
(12:39):
home, leading to a gradualdecline in their sex life.
Sara felt unsupported by Rajwhen it came to managing household
and child rearing responsibilities.
Where Raj felt unappreciatedfor his financial contributions and
the lifestyle that heprovided, the lack of acknowledgement
and the growing resentmentbetween them caused them both to
withdraw emotionally.
After months of avoiding thetopic, Sara suggested couples counseling.
(13:03):
Through therapy, they learnedto express their frustrations without
blame and began to rebuild trust.
As they worked togetherthrough their conflicts and focused
on making each other feelloved, wanted, and supported, their
emotional connection improvedand their sexual intimacy began to
return.
It can't be done by justtalking, though, which is why traditional
marriage counselling thatfocus on what's gone wrong and what
(13:25):
you're both feeling about thepast over and over often doesn't
work.
You need to focus on theactions that you can take to let
go of the past, the ways toovercome and prevent conflict in
the areas that come up regularly.
And focus on how you can showeach other love and appreciation
in the present and the futurecontinually, not just be good for
(13:45):
a few weeks and then letthings slip back to how they were.
Remember that communicationdoes nothing without the action steps
that follow it, and thoseactions need to be consistent.
The Journal of FamilyPsychology highlights that couples
who engage in healthy conflictresolution are more likely to maintain
sexual satisfaction in their relationships.
On the other hand, couples whoavoid or mishandle conflicts are
(14:09):
at higher risk of experiencingsexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction.
So brushing things under thecarpet and avoiding conflict will
only create more negativityand a damaging distance between a
couple.
And yet so many people avoid confrontation.
And I know I used to do it inmy relationship, I think, well, I'll
choose peace.
But in the end it does comeback to bite you.
(14:30):
So if you can't easily speakup for yourself, then perhaps write
down what you're thinking andfeeling and then ask to share that
or work on with a therapisthow to express yourself in a different
way or in a more open, safe,transparent way that's going to help
the couple.
So the third area when itcomes to relationships that I look
(14:52):
at is the mismatchedexpectations around intimacy.
Partners often have differingneeds and expectations when it comes
to intimacy.
These mismatches can result infeelings of rejection or inadequacy
for one partner, while theother may feel pressured or misunderstood.
Common mismatches includediscrepancies in libido levels, where
(15:12):
one partner desires sex morefrequent in the other.
Then there's also differencesin the preferred forms of intimacy.
Physical affection versusverbal affirmation and appreciation.
And then there's misalignedtiming, where one partner really
wants to have sex at the endof the day so they can sleep better
and the other person is not anevening person.
(15:32):
They're really tired and it'sjust the wrong time for them.
Without open, empatheticcommunication, these mismatches can
lead to frustration,misunderstandings, the avoidance
of sexual activity altogether.
So it's so important toaddress it.
A study in the Journal ofSexual research found that 34% of
couples experience mismatchedlibidos at some point in their relationship.
(15:55):
34%.
So it's really common.
And whilst these mismatchesare common, couples who openly discuss
their desires and findcompromises are significantly more
likely to maintain theirsatisfaction in their sex life and
and then in their overallrelationship life.
And then lastly, let's talkabout relational strain.
When relational strain goesunaddressed, it often leads to avoidance
(16:16):
behaviors.
Partners may withdrawemotionally, physically or both as
a way of coping withunresolved tensions.
This cycle of avoidance candeepen feelings of disconnection
and loneliness, erode thetrust and security in the relationship,
make the prospect of physicalintimacy feel daunting or undesirable.
Michael and Laura had beentogether for eight years.
Over time, Michael began tofeel rejected and irritated when
(16:40):
Laura turned down hisadvances, while Laura felt overwhelmed
by the demands of parentingand her career and couldn't take
much more on.
Rather than discussing theirfeelings, Michael withdrew emotionally,
coming distant and less communicative.
Laura, sensing his withdrawal,began to feel guilty, but also frustrated
that he didn't understand howtired and drained she was.
(17:01):
This cycle continued until itgot to a point where Laura questioned
if they should stay togetherand asked Michael to move out for
a few weeks to give her some space.
Before they took that step,they came to me for help, both individually
and together.
I helped them to address theunderlying issues and conflict over
intimacy.
I helped Michael to manage theanxiety he had over Laura not wanting
sex because he had panickedbelieving that she wasn't interested
(17:25):
in him, that she was going toleave him, and they even got him
questioning whether she wascheating because the more Laura set
her boundaries, the morepanicked and needy he had become,
which was making Lauradistance herself even more.
They agreed for the next twoto three months to focus on ways
to reconnect emotionally,taking sex off the table for the
moment.
We focused on regularemotional check ins every single
(17:47):
day where they'd share abouttheir day, how they felt, what happened,
and also what they needed fromeach other.
They also prioritised qualitytime away from the children with
an aim just to enjoy and have fun.
They agreed not to talk aboutanything heavy, not to talk about
the chores or things that hadto be done so they could experience
feeling relaxed in eachother's company.
(18:08):
These steps eventually led tothe rekindling of physical intimacy.
The relationship betweenemotional and physical intimacy is
reciprocal.
Emotional closeness fosterssexual desire.
Sexual intimacy reinforcesemotional bonds.
Some people need affection togive sex and others need sex to give
affection.
If this is happening in yourrelationship, then start both giving
(18:30):
at the same time.
When either the emotional orphysical aspect is neglected, the
other often suffers.
Addressing emotionaldisconnection or strain in a relationship
is the key to restoring ahealthy libido for both partners.
By fostering opencommunication, addressing underlying
issues, and seekingprofessional support when needed,
couples can rebuild bothemotional and physical intimacy,
(18:50):
strengthening theirrelationship in the process.
If your relationship and yourmental health is in a good place,
then still your libido candecline due to hormonal changes and
other lifestyle factors.
So let's explore them now.
I'm sure you already know thathormones are chemical messengers
that regulate numerous bodilyfunctions, including sexual desire.
(19:12):
Fluctuations or imbalances inhormone levels can significantly
affect libido, andunderstanding this connection is
vital for addressing lowsexual desire if the other things
are good in your life.
Testosterone plays a crucialrole in driving libido for all genders.
Low levels can result inreduced sexual desire, fatigue, and
(19:32):
even mood changes.
Testosterone naturallydecreases with age, particularly
in men over 30 and womenduring menopause or or postpartum.
In women, estrogen levelsfluctuate during the menstrual cycle,
during pregnancy and menopause.
Low estrogen common duringmenopause can lead to vaginal dryness
and discomfort during sex,reducing, of course, desire.
(19:54):
Because if it's painful andit's non enjoyable, then you're not
going to want to keeprepeating it.
And then also high levels ofprogesterone can also suppress libido
and so can some contraceptivesthat women take.
And as I mentioned earlier,chronic stress elevates cortisol
levels which suppresses otherhormones like testosterone and estrogen,
(20:15):
reducing the sexual drive.
So it can be a really goodidea to go and get your hormone levels
checked and then you candecide with your doctor or specialist
whether you want to take anysupplements to help you increase
that.
And then there's chronichealth conditions.
Certain health conditions ofcourse can interfere with hormone
production, circulation,energy levels, which are all vital
(20:37):
for sexual desire.
Diabetes can damage nerves andblood vessels, reducing sensitivity
and blood flow needed forsexual arousal.
Thyroid disorders can have an impact.
They can cause anxiety,restlessness that diminish desire.
Cardiovascular disease canaffect it, so can obesity.
So these are all things thatyou can look out for and perhaps
(21:00):
get help for.
And then there's alsomedications that people are on such
as antidepressants, as Imentioned, hormonal contraceptives,
blood pressure medicationsthat can lead to a diminished sex
drive.
And I want to say that it'snormal for libido to fluctuate due
to life circumstances ortemporary stressors outside or within
(21:20):
the relationship.
However, persistent changes insexual desire, particularly when
accompanied by other symptoms,may indicate an underlying hormonal
imbalance or health issue.
So definitely consider goingto a doctor for a hormonal evaluation
if you notice a persistent lowlibido, unexplained fatigue, mood
changes, physical symptomslike vaginal dryness or discomfort
(21:44):
during sex, erectiledysfunction or difficulty maintaining
arousal, unexplained weightgain or difficulty losing weight,
menstrual irregularities, hairand skin changes.
Blood tests can be done tomeasure these hormone levels and
support you.
So lastly, let's look atlifestyle factors and their impact
on libido.
(22:04):
Lifestyle factors can play asignificant role in shaping sexual
health and desire.
Poor habits, lack of self careand certain substances can lead to
physical and psychologicalchanges that diminish libido.
Addressing these factors isoften a crucial step in restoring
the sexual energy and andoverall well being.
So sleep sleep is thefoundation to both physical and emotional
(22:26):
health.
Chronic sleep deprivation orpoor quality sleep can negatively
impact libido by disruptinghormone levels, reducing energy levels,
affecting mood and mental health.
A study published in theJournal of Sexual Medicine found
that women who reported bettersleep duration and better sleep quality
were 14% more likely to engagein sexual activity the next day.
(22:49):
Similarly, sleep disorderslike sleep anapia in men are Closely
associated with reducedtestosterone levels and erectile
dysfunction.
So really focus on helpingeach other to increase your quality
and duration of sleep.
Then there's lack of exercise.
Exercise is not only vital forphysical fitness, but also has a
direct impact on sexual healthand desire.
(23:11):
A lack of regular physicalactivity can lead to decreased circulation,
broad blood flow and this isgoing to affect the sexual arousal
and performance.
It can lead to lower energy levels.
Sedentary habits can lead tofatigue and lethargy, leaving little
motivation for intimacy.
Reduced confidence, physicalinactivity can contribute to weight
(23:32):
gain and a negative body imageand diminishing sexual confidence.
Increased stress Exercise is anatural stress reliever and in its
absence can increase exuberatethe feelings of anxiety which inhibit
sexual desire.
The positive impact ofexercise is that it improves your
mood throughout, releasing endorphins.
It boosts energy and stamina.
It enhances blood flow and iscrucial for arousal and performance.
(23:56):
A study from the Psychology ofSport and Exercise found that individuals
who engaged in regularphysical activity reported higher
levels of sexual satisfactionand frequency compared to those with
sedentary lifestyles.
And then there's eating, of course.
Nutrition plays a pivotal rolein overall health and libido.
Diets and high processedfoods, sugars and unhealthy fats
can negatively impact sexualhealth by contributing to weight
(24:19):
gain and affecting the hormones.
Lowering energy levels cause inflammation.
And foods that boost libidoare zinc rich foods.
Pumpkin seeds, oysters.
These can support hormone production.
Dark chocolate contains acompound that increases dopamine
levels, enhancing feelings of pleasure.
(24:39):
Fruits like watermelon andberries can improve blood flow.
Healthy fats, salmon,avocados, nuts, etc are essential
for also hormone regulation soyou can eat differently and that
can also impact libido.
And then there's substance useand libido.
So while substances likealcohol and recreational drugs may
lower inhibitions in the shortterm, so their long term effects
(25:02):
often diminish libido andsexual satisfaction.
Alcohol in small amounts canreduce social anxiety and increase
feelings of relaxation.
However, chronic use and overconsumption can impair sexual performance
by reducing the blood flow anddulling the nervous system.
Long term abuse can lead tohormonal balances, particularly lower
(25:24):
testosterone levels which arecrucial for sexual desire.
Then there's weed, cannabis.
While some report increasedsensitivity or desire after using
cannabis, regular loose canlead to reduced testosterone levels
and decreased overall libido.
So it depends on the amount of course.
So you know yourself if thisis a problem for you and maybe it's
(25:49):
something to look at.
And then there's other ofcourse, recreational substances,
which can give you aheightened sense of confidence, but
in the long term can impactthe relationship in negative ways
and result in emotional withdrawal.
A review in the AddictiveBehaviours Journal found that while
(26:12):
alcohol and recreational drugscan lower inhibitions temporarily,
they are often associated withlong term declines in sexual performance
and satisfaction due to theirimpact on physical health, hormones
and emotional well being.
So lifestyle factors such assleep, exercise, diet and substance
use are critical tomaintaining a healthy sex life.
While poor habits can diminishsexual desire, positive habits can
(26:35):
have transformative effects.
So really focusing on youroverall health and well being is
a great place to start.
Because low libido is rarely astandalone issue, is often a reflection
of deeper emotional struggles,making a vital indicator of overall
mental well being.
Understanding the complexinterplay between mental health and
(26:57):
libido is essential for thoseexperiencing difficulties and for
their partners.
With the right support andresources, it's possible to break
the cycle of stress, anxietyor depression and restore both intimacy
and emotional connection.
As low libido can lead tofeelings of inadequacy, strain in
relationships, frustration,then it's important to also recognize
(27:18):
that libido isn't a measure oflove and it certainly doesn't make
a person a poor partner.
Instead, it serves as areflection of underlying factors
that deserve exploration and care.
So if there is low libidohappening in your relationship, take
a compassionate approach.
Get to the root causes, workthrough those, and then see how things
(27:39):
unfold and get support.
I'm going to share some tipswith you in a moment.
Before I do that, I want tomention a term you may or may have
not heard of, and that's asexual.
Asexuality and low libido areoften misunderstood and confused,
but they are fundamentallydifferent concepts.
It's essential to distinguishbetween the two if you and your partner
are experiencing this, and toapproach these topics with clarity
(28:01):
and empathy.
Asexuality is a sexualorientation characterized by the
absence of sexual attraction.
It's not a choice, a temporary condition.
Rather, it's an inherentaspect of a person's identity.
According to the AsexualVisibility and Education Network,
an asexual person does notexperience sexual attraction.
(28:22):
They are not drawn to peoplesexually, and do not desire to act
upon attraction to others in asexual way.
The key points aboutasexuality it's not a fear or a condition.
Asexuality is not caused bytrauma, low libido, or a fear of
sexual 2.
Some asexual people may stillengage in sexual activity, often
for emotional or romanticreasons even if they do not feel
(28:46):
sexual attraction.
And of course asexualityexists on a spectrum.
So it's not black and whiteand there's not one size fits all.
Low libido, on the other hand,refers to a diminished desire for
sexual activity.
It's not a sexual orientation,but rather a state or condition that
can result from the variousfactors that I discussed.
This is how Aven defined thedifferences between asexuality and
(29:07):
low libido.
Asexuality is not a choice,it's an orientation.
Abstaining from sex due to lowlibido or fear is a choice influenced
by personal or situational factors.
While low libido and fear ofsex can be often addressed or treated.
Asexuality is an intrinsicaspect of a person's identity.
Asexuality involves a lack ofsexual attraction while low libido
(29:31):
is a reduced desire for sexualactivity that might still involve
attraction.
Paula and Marina came to me torepair their relationship.
To help them navigate theirfuture together.
Paula and Marina's sex lifewas infrequent.
They had been married forseven years and had two small children
together via IVF and in thatseven years have barely had any sexual
moments at all.
(29:51):
Marina thought that the tryingfor a baby before IVF had put Paul
off sex.
And she wanted to see how theycould make their intimate life more
rewarding.
They didn't have sex beforemarriage because of their religious
beliefs.
Marina was feeling reallyrejected and concerned.
She didn't have any first handexperience but thought that sex would
be passionate and frequentlike she's seen in the movies and
(30:13):
heard from her friends.
Paul had been reading up abouthis low libido as he felt guilt and
shame that he just wasn'tinterested in sex, he never had been
and hoped that by beingmarried it it might change that,
but it didn't.
Paul identified himself asasexual and he couldn't force himself
to make himself do things thathe didn't like to do or wasn't into
just to make her happy.
(30:33):
He dreaded her advances andstarted to withdraw from her.
Marina was deeply hurt at thefirst and found it hard to understand,
but decided that she loved himand she loved their family unit more.
So she was willing to accept it.
Working together, we redefinedintimacy in their relationship focusing
on shared activities,emotional closeness and non sexual
(30:54):
affection.
Paul had been scared to hug orkiss her before in case she wanted
more.
But now they knew what theirboundaries were.
They knew that sex was off the table.
They both felt safer.
This Shift allowed Paul tothen give her a lot of hugs, massages,
more loving romantic gesturesand kind words.
The shift also allowed Marinato feel grateful for what she had
(31:17):
and and this shift allowedthem to grow and strengthen their
relationship and partnership.
They were able to move pastthe resentment and blame that they
were stuck in before.
When one partner is asexual,it can introduce unique dynamics
into a relationship.
Couples may need to openlycommunicate about needs and boundaries.
Explore non sexual forms ofintimacy to strengthen their connection.
(31:39):
Seek guidance from acounsellor or therapist.
Experience in Sexuality andRelationships Understanding your
sexual orientation is deeplypersonal and it can take time.
For some, asexuality becomesclear early in life, while others
may take more time orexperiences to determine whether
they fit on that spectrum.
(31:59):
It's also important torecognise that sexual preferences
can evolve over time.
Cultural taboos and societalexpectations about sex may prevent
some individuals from openlyacknowledging their asexuality or
low libido.
When we repress things, ourmental and physical health can suffer.
So it's important to talk tosomeone who you trust rather than
going through it alone.
(32:19):
And if you find yourselfstruggling with these challenges,
consider the contributingfactors discussed today and then
take the appropriate actionsto help you.
For couples, create a safespace to discuss feelings, needs
and desires without judgment,using I statements to express emotions
and avoid blame.
Explore non sexual ways toconnect, such as shared hobbies and
(32:40):
interests, engagingconversations about topics that you
both enjoy talking about,emotionally supporting one another,
emotionally checking in witheach other, giving each other attention
and your presence.
Physical affection such ashugs, massages or holding hands can
build closeness without pressure.
Instead of fixating onproblems, explore creative ways to
(33:01):
meet each other's needs.
Always focus on actions thatyou can take and be solution driven.
After you've expressedyourselves, talk about okay, what's
the plan?
What will we do?
How will we move forward?
What steps can we take?
It's so essential to challengesocietal narratives too, that equate
sexual activity with happinessor success.
Intimacy can take many formsand a fulfilling relationship can
(33:23):
thrive on emotional,intellectual and spiritual connections
too.
By expanding the definition ofintimacy, individuals and couples
can create deeper, moremeaningful bonds.
Decreased libido are personalchallenges that require patience
and empathy and a willingnessto explore underlying causes.
Whether the goal is toreignite desire or redefine intimacy,
(33:44):
the journey is unique to eachindividual and couple.
By prioritizing communication,self awareness and professional support,
it's possible to overcomethese challenges and build relationships
rooted in trust, respect and adeep connection.
And if you're looking toincrease your connection further
then I recommend that youcheck out my Relationship Toolkit.
It's absolutely free.
(34:05):
It has lots of different waysto reconnect without talking, how
to also enhance yourcommunication, and how to work on
becoming closer.
You can get that by going tomy website nicolabeer.com gift and
you'll see the gift page withall the different gifts that I offer
there.
And you can also find the linkin the show notes.
(34:26):
It's called the RelationshipReconnect Toolkit.
So from my heart to yours,wishing you an amazing week ahead.
Take great care of yourselfand each other.
Dear listeners, today Icelebrate you.
You are among the few whoactively nurture their love journey.
(34:50):
It's an act of courage, an actof self love and if today's episode
resonated with you, be abeacon for others.
Subscribe, rate and review.
Let's spread this love andwisdom far and wide.
Craving more?
Discover the freeresources@nicolabeer.com you can
(35:11):
also find the links to helpfulgifts in the Show Notes.
Do also join our Relationshipand Wellness Facebook group.
It's a haven where we uplift,support and journey together towards
richer, deeper love stories.
Remember, you have the powerto craft the love story you deserve.
(35:33):
Thank you for being with metoday and until next time.
Keep shining and loving withall your heart.
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