Unmasking the Leader Within: Leadership Isn't Just Strategy. It's Identity in Motion

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
There was a time people counting leave out.

Speaker 2 (00:16):
Put their mocking me. I'm move inside out.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
I got to know to know what that says.

Speaker 3 (00:26):
But what I believe that God's my dad.

Speaker 1 (00:32):
I don't need you to bother me.

Speaker 4 (00:36):
I know who I help.

Speaker 5 (00:39):
I'm created me and my better reflect what my eyes
there to see all the witness eyphosis unless persibility.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
Know want to us see pay shine should I get
read the mis? No time really stand for the outside

(01:21):
door and better windows. That boy is the instruments still
isself paid delitions sc they all these simple my bad
bye something not take your mind the pad you buy

(01:41):
your pleas think you one balls playing head plea of
die all wait the conness nine neither st reflet mad.

Speaker 6 (02:02):
Welcome, Welcome to another segment of these seek elevation experience
with yours truly, Attorney Alakisha.

Speaker 3 (02:13):
Yes I am an attorney, but I may not be yours.

Speaker 6 (02:15):
So anytime I talk about any legal information, if that
is the case, it is not to give you legal advice.
It's to give you legal gems and for you to
keep digging and digging and digging with what I gave you.
But right here is where real issues, real people and
real conversations takes in a stage because I always say
this change does not happen in silence, whether it's from sports,

(02:40):
to entertainment to business and community. Right here on these
seek elevation. Experience is where we elevate voices that need
to be heard for so many different reasons. But we
don't just talk. We don't just talk. We empower, we inspire,
and we challenge the status quo. Most importantly, we connect.

(03:02):
We bring people on here to share their expertise, share
their experiences. You all engage if you have questions. But
how do we continue to elevate? How do we continue
to level up not just by what we hear, but
by what we do? And the first step of doing
is to actually connect with whoever graces the stage. What

(03:25):
are we talking about today, unmasking the leader within? This
is so timely, this is so necessary right now for
us to unmask the leader within. Because leadership isn't just strategy.
There's parts of it. Yes, we talk about strategy, it's
not that it is identity, but more importantly, identity and motion.

(03:49):
Like I just said that action, that verb is what
makes a difference. So let us talk about identity today.
Make sure you share, make sure you know, just drop
some stuff in the commet if you hear. It's important
for us to share, especially this topic, because if we
talk about masks, if people are wearing them anytime now,

(04:12):
especially in certain places because things are being done, I
think this is the time that we're doing it a
little bit more So today, let's go ahead and dive
deep into what it really means to lead from wholeness
and why your identity may be the most powerful. I'm
gonna say maybe why your identity is the most powerful

(04:37):
leadership too, you have to access because again I'm gonna
repeat it, leadership is not a strategy, it's identity emotion.

Speaker 3 (04:47):
So let me.

Speaker 6 (04:48):
Introduce our guests for today, our credible guests for today.
This is someone that we're gonna talk to that has
built a frame work around this topic like live it,
teach it, breathe it, write about it.

Speaker 3 (05:11):
So Doctor Stephanie M.

Speaker 6 (05:16):
Kirkland is who I am talking about, aka the identity Shaper.
Doctor Kirkland is a trailblazing force in the field of
leadership transformation as an organizational leadership consultant, executive coach, instructional designer,

(05:37):
keynote speaker, researcher, and author. As I just showed you,
she brings a rare blend of academic depth and real
world insight into every room she enters, and trusts me
she'd be entering those rooms a recognized expert on leadership,

(05:57):
but more passionately and more intimately black woman in leadership
as well. Doctor Kirkland has made it her mission to
help leaders lead from their full, whole, entire selves, not
just their titles. She is the founder and CEO of

(06:18):
Identity Dynamics, a leadership development company anchored in the belief
that identity it's not a barrier, not something for us
to suppress. It is a blueprint, something that's going to
help us, that's going to lead the way. At the
heart of her work is the Identity Dynamics Leadership Framework,

(06:40):
a signature model that guides leaders through five essential facets
of identity personal, professional, spiritual, relational, and physical. And I'll
let her get more into that if she so chooses.
But doctor kirkland approach does not change how leaders think,

(07:01):
It just shifts how they need to show up. Her
work empowers individuals to uncover and embody their unique leadership.

Speaker 3 (07:11):
And this is why identity is important.

Speaker 6 (07:13):
If we all walk from our place of identity, we're
gonna all walk from a place of uniqueness, identity and philosophy,
which she creates a ripple effect across teams, cultures, and organizations.
So for her and I concur with her, individual transformation

(07:35):
isn't optional, It's not. It is the foundation for sustainable,
impactful leadership. So, with no further ado, I am going
to bring doctor Stephanie Kirkland to the stage for us
to go ahead and start this conversation.

Speaker 3 (07:55):
Hello, Hello, Hello, how are you? I am great? I
am great this Tuesday. I always get a little more.

Speaker 6 (08:05):
Tuesdays when I bring such amazing people like yourself to
the stage.

Speaker 3 (08:10):
So much absolutely, and.

Speaker 6 (08:12):
What I didn't tell the listeners and the viewers is
doctor Stephanie, I I am so honored to have been
a part of a team that we're both working together
to continue to just elevate individuals and businesses. And we
all brought our respective you know, expertise to that particular team.

Speaker 3 (08:34):
Gmen, You've got to check out gmen.

Speaker 6 (08:36):
If your business owners check it out, go google what
that is, especially if you're an entrepreneur and you're looking
for some type of guidance and help and you want
access to individuals like ourselves in our respective field. Check
out gmen is what is it a doctor Stephan Georgia
Microm the network that.

Speaker 3 (08:58):
Exactly that out right right. I'm so excited about this conversation.

Speaker 6 (09:04):
Like I just said during the introduction, it's always needed,
has always been needed, but it's just so timely right
now with a lot of conversations around identity, but also
with seeing a lot of different things that happen, and
some people are like, how much do I show up

(09:25):
as myself? How much do I hold back? Because I'm
kind of trying to stay down with everything you know
going on.

Speaker 3 (09:32):
But we'll get more into that before I do.

Speaker 6 (09:34):
I know I did the introduction, but I always like
for my guests to come in and just share a
little bit about themselves from their perspective, just so we.

Speaker 3 (09:44):
Can build that relationship with our viewers and listeners.

Speaker 4 (09:48):
Well, I am so honored to be here. I guess
the premise really of the work that I do is
how do we support people in leveraging who they are
in every aspect of their life, Because, like you said earlier,
who we are is the gift, right It is what
we bring to the table, and it is something that
we as a society and a culture really are not

(10:10):
taught to hone into. We're taught to hone into societal
and cultural norms, which really just makes us more controllable.
But when stilly leverage who we are, how we show up,
what our difference is, that is our superpower. That is
what we bring to the table that impacts the world

(10:34):
that we're called to impact.

Speaker 2 (10:35):
We are not just here to exist.

Speaker 4 (10:37):
We are here to bring our message, our story, our
lived experience, our perspective, our lens to every aspect of
our lives, because.

Speaker 2 (10:46):
It is that right that we're created to do. I
need to hear your identity. I need to hear your lens.

Speaker 4 (10:53):
And I think sometimes we only look at the word
identity as just meaning what color I am or what
societal group or norm that I'm connected to. But really
your identity is your beliefs, your values, your perspective, your lens,
how you show up, your trauma, your victories, your challenges,
all of the different components that make you who you are,

(11:16):
that give you your opinion and your way of showing
up in spaces, and the beauty of that is when
we all really begin to really focus on who we
are and the value that we bring to the table.
Every space that everybody enters in is better because we
are bringing what is so valuable about each one of

(11:38):
us individually, and it is our identity. It is who
we are and how we show up in spaces. So
my job is to support people in walking out that process,
right to take it from just a narrative or a conversation. Now,
how do we now walk this out? How do I
build that? How do I now pay attention to that?

(12:00):
Then that's where the dynamics comes from in my name,
because there's so many pieces that make us who we are.
How do we bring all of those pieces together intentionally,
not by accident, but intentionally as we evolve and grow
and then intentionally impact with how.

Speaker 2 (12:18):
We show up and who we are.

Speaker 6 (12:21):
I like how you said that identity is not just
by what you see, those measuring sticks of what you see,
but also what you hear, what you feel, because all
of that encompasses our identity and makes it very unique
when we express it and when we feel it. And

(12:41):
I just heard something today actually that I was listening
to and what I was listening to has said he
or she who controls the narrative controls reality. And so
to your point social norms, right, that's one level of narrative.
But then what you take on, if that becomes your narrative,

(13:02):
then you are controlled at the micro level. So I
love that you said that and you pointed that out,
but I want to back up before I even get deep.
We ready to go right into it because I said
it is it is important now because we're having conversations
even about.

Speaker 3 (13:21):
Our mental health.

Speaker 6 (13:23):
In so many areas we're having about mental health, and
I love that and I get it, but sometimes it
seems like when we have the conversations, we're not drilling
down to the core of those things that may be
affecting the mental health. And this may be one of those.

Speaker 3 (13:40):
So what just inspired you?

Speaker 6 (13:42):
If you just go back, let's go back, doctor Kirkland's
go all the way back. What give us a little
walk on your journey where you started to get this
relationship with the importance of identity, because there's something about
that that made that stick with you.

Speaker 3 (13:59):
So bring us back a little bit.

Speaker 4 (14:01):
Well, it really began with my own journey, right, my
own questioning of myself, who am I? Why am I here?
And why does this matter? I've done what majority of
people do in our society. We allow our grooming and
we allow other narratives to control how we show up
and what that looks like. You know, my WA's mother,

(14:21):
why friend, you know, entrepreneur on the choir, Sunday school teacher.
I mean, all of these different identities right were becoming
the scope of how I was showing up.

Speaker 2 (14:33):
In spaces, and I just stopped, and I'm like, is
this it?

Speaker 3 (14:38):
Like?

Speaker 2 (14:39):
Is this what living?

Speaker 4 (14:40):
Is me? Just fulfilling all of these roles and responsibilities?
And I really started to get frustrated. I'm like, it's
got to be more than this. This just can't be purpose, right,
this role, this these this isn't purpose. And as I
began to really just kind of dig into my own
journey of really wanting to show up in purpose, really

(15:02):
wanting to be impactful, really wanting to know what I
thought and what I believed and what that looked like,
and no longer allow outside narratives to dictate to me
what that was and what that meant for my life,
I really just really seriously just stopped. I started making

(15:23):
different decisions. I started asking myself that question, well, what
do I believe? But what does that mean?

Speaker 2 (15:29):
Where did that come from? Do I want to keep that?

Speaker 5 (15:32):
Is that?

Speaker 2 (15:33):
Really? My perspective is that my mama talking through me?
Is that you know that trauma or.

Speaker 4 (15:38):
That bad experience that now created this narrative Do I
want to live like this?

Speaker 2 (15:44):
And the truth was I just wasn't.

Speaker 4 (15:46):
Fulfilled, And it was like I had made a decision.
I am no longer going to live my life not
being fulfilled. I'm just too old for that.

Speaker 2 (15:55):
Yeah, I need more.

Speaker 4 (15:58):
And when I really started giving myself permission to say
that this wasn't enough, and it wasn't a judgment against
the life that I was living, living a great life,
having great family, That wasn't it. It was that I
knew something was missing and my voice was not a

(16:18):
part of how I was showing up in spaces. I
was primarily showing up in the way that other people
needed me to show up, not in the way I
needed to show up. And so when I started going
on that journey, started doing that work, started being able
to answer those questions. Then I was watching TV one
day and I saw this show on television and the

(16:41):
I think it was. I forgot her name, but she
was doing a series on Noah and the Ark and
you know how you watch TV and you buy yourself
and you go, man, that was good.

Speaker 2 (16:49):
Now, that was good right there, right And it was like,
so what is your message? What is it that you speak?
And I kind of paused and I was like, what
is my message? I said a lot of things.

Speaker 4 (17:00):
Remember, I'm wife, mother, friend, you know, sister, all of
these different identities or all of these different roles and
responsibilities that I took on as my identity. And I
had to step back and say, you know what, I
don't know what I speak. And so that that conflict
really began to touch what was the fulfillment? What was

(17:22):
the message? What is the message that my life is
called to speak? And so my victory, which was this
conversation around identity, began to be the message that I
began to speak to others and I began to just
start sharing. I started doing you know, classes with people
who were asking me questions about their journey.

Speaker 2 (17:43):
They started saying the same thing that I was saying,
right like, I don't know who I am.

Speaker 4 (17:48):
I don't know who I am outside of roles and
responsibilities I don't know what I like. I don't know
you know what I enjoy And that began to be
the journey that started. I started teaching classes on.

Speaker 3 (18:00):
What I learned, and it grew.

Speaker 4 (18:02):
And then what I noticed was leaders started showing up
in my spaces, whether they were emerging or whether they
were women who were already in leadership roles and really
were beginning to be able to ask the question, child,
I don't know who I am either, right, because now
it was a safe space to say, you know what,
I do need to ask that question. I am tired

(18:25):
of just being what everybody needs me to be and
not who I need to be for myself first and
then allowing that to be how I impact everything going
on around me. And so that was the journey of
this conversation around identity.

Speaker 6 (18:40):
So what was it that you mentioned? You had all
of these titles, but in all of the titles there
still was an identity.

Speaker 2 (18:50):
So was the.

Speaker 6 (18:52):
Our viewers and listeners should they be considering if they
feel lost anywhere that it's titles that is cause that
gap with identity, or possibly titles that they're just taking
on that may not fit with inside them. So from you,
what is it there as far as identity versus the title, because.

Speaker 4 (19:14):
Roles and responsibility is one thing. Who you are is
something else. Roles responsibilities we all have, right we all
find ourselves with the responsibility of the roles that we
have decided to.

Speaker 2 (19:29):
Make a part of our lives. But that is not
who I am.

Speaker 4 (19:33):
I'm Stephanie and now I have made a decision to
be a wife. A wife is not my identity. It
is a role that I walk out.

Speaker 2 (19:42):
Oh, I'm a mother, but I'm still Stephanie.

Speaker 4 (19:45):
The motherhood is what a role with the responsibilities that
I have chosen to walk out, But that is not
who I am. I tell people all the time, if
it can be taken away, it's not who you are.
I'm gonna say that again. If it can be taken away,
it is not who you are. So then you have
to back up and say, Okay, what are roles? Now?

(20:07):
What are these responsibilities? If we're in the leadership space,
what are those titles?

Speaker 2 (20:12):
What are those job.

Speaker 4 (20:13):
Descriptions, what are those responsibilities that are connected to those things?
That is not who you are, that is what you do.
So once you begin to separate what you do roles
and responsibilities titles, job descriptions with who you are.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
Then you begin to do the necessary work.

Speaker 4 (20:33):
Of what are my beliefs, what are my core values?
How do I want to show up? What is the
narratives that I want to engage in? How do I
want to have a perspective, a lens or opinion regarding
these different topics? What does this mean to my conversations?
What does this mean to my relationships? What part of

(20:55):
my spiritual aspect now is an undergird How does that
look for me? That is your identity. It is what
shapes how you show up in spaces. Now your identity
influences roles and responsibilities.

Speaker 2 (21:12):
Now who I am? How I show up my values,
my sense of self.

Speaker 4 (21:19):
Now that heals part of me, I'm able to see
the challenges that are our aspect of me. Those are
the things that what now become How I live out
those roles and responsibilities?

Speaker 2 (21:31):
And that is intentional.

Speaker 4 (21:33):
But for most people, because we are groomed from childhood,
especially women, to fulfill roles and responsibilities, we have never
done the personal work to really discover who we are,
how we show up, how we think, and what we believe.
We have allowed society, culture, family, religion to tell us

(21:55):
how we are to live out roles and responsibilities without
doing the personal work.

Speaker 2 (22:00):
To know who we are and how we show up,
and we forget that we are the gift, We.

Speaker 4 (22:07):
Forget our unique imprint, We forget that we have a
voice or perspective and a lens, and we do not
then look at our lived experience and the lessons that
has groomed us to be who we are as how
we show up in these roles and responsibilities. So we
have to separate ourselves from the constructs in order to

(22:31):
be able to do the work.

Speaker 3 (22:33):
Now, that made total sense.

Speaker 6 (22:35):
So what I'm hearing is it's not necessarily the roles
and titles that is an issue. The issue is when
you don't know who you are and you take on
roles in titles, you'll take them things on based on
what you learn. Those things should be yes versus if

(22:55):
your mother, you know your mother, But you have to
understand your persona. You have understand who you are, how
you show up as a mother, how you show up
as a person in your religion, how you show up
in this whatever your role is. Correct, identity influences how
you show up in your title. Correct, But you was
looking at. I got all these titles. I'm showing up

(23:15):
at these titles based on titles without identifying who I am.

Speaker 3 (23:20):
To bring up the title is that?

Speaker 2 (23:22):
Yes?

Speaker 3 (23:23):
Who are listening?

Speaker 2 (23:24):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (23:25):
Then the roles and responsibility now has the power?

Speaker 2 (23:28):
I don't.

Speaker 4 (23:29):
Now someone else's perspective of who I am and what
that looks like has the power.

Speaker 2 (23:35):
I don't. Someone else's perspective of me has the power.
I don't. So now I'm always looking externally for someone
to define me.

Speaker 4 (23:46):
Come on, instead of me defining myself and then approaching
the roles and responsibilities through my greatness, through who I
am and what that means to my life. Now I'm
fulfilled right because I am intentionally making decisions. I'm no
longer existing, I am intentionally living. I'm making decisions about

(24:09):
how it is that I want to show up and
what that looks like. And when I do that, there
is a sense of self, a confidence, an assurance because
I'm doing the work to understand and know how I'm
supposed to show up and what that looks like.

Speaker 2 (24:26):
Then my authority comes.

Speaker 4 (24:27):
Right. If you have a religious you know, lens, then
my anointing shows up because.

Speaker 2 (24:33):
I have now confidence and who I am and what
that means.

Speaker 4 (24:37):
And I rest and I am settled in that. So
I'm not conflicted when other people have an opinion about
who I am and how I show up. I've done
the work, I know why, I believe that. I know
what that means to my existence. I know how to
heal and move forward. I know what my lived experience

(24:57):
means to now me being a mother, I understand that
responsibility is not my primary objective as a mother. It
is me bringing who I am because that child came
out of me. So now that child and who I
am is really what they need from me, not the responsibilities.
They don't need me to They're not in my life

(25:19):
for me to take them to school. They are in
my life because who I am, my voice, my opinion,
my way of living and being is necessary for their greatness.

Speaker 3 (25:29):
You see what I'm saying, I absolutely do.

Speaker 2 (25:31):
I'm owning that I'm the gift.

Speaker 4 (25:33):
I'm owning that my purpose is connected to my message
and my lived experience and my healing and my show
up and my way of thinking. I'm no longer, you know,
limited because someone else doesn't think like I think or.

Speaker 2 (25:46):
Act like I act.

Speaker 4 (25:48):
No no, no, no, do you And I'm going to
do me because I understand that my show up is
called for this moment to impact the people who are
called to my life.

Speaker 6 (26:00):
That part, that's the part that we don't respect, and
we fear, dare I to say, we fear allowing people
to think differently, walk differently, be differently. And so I
don't know if it's a mirror on ourselves, if it's
because we don't know who we are. We feel like
everybody's supposed to be the same who we're told we're
supposed to be.

Speaker 3 (26:21):
So that is huge.

Speaker 6 (26:22):
But before I get to the next question, you said
something that was profound, especially as being a mother and
how you show up which you're supposed to do, not
supposed to do. It wasn't until I became a mother,
right And so to your point, like mother, father, whatever
these roles are, they're still humans and they're still identity
to it. And so sometime we'll look at as children

(26:45):
roles titles it's supposed to be this, and we negate
that that person is a human with the identity that's
tied to the things you mentioned earlier, from experiences to trauma,
to this or that. When we start to understand identity
as deep as you're talking about it. Yes, it just
unfolds in so many ways, not just showing up in

(27:05):
the workplace, but showing up existing. We start to respect
mothers and fathers and all these other roles by saying
they're human first and they have an identity. So some
of the things you found on your journey, you're walking
through your journey and you're discovering before. You don't speed
up to the framework yet. But some of the things
you started doing, the work, the self work, all these things.

(27:27):
What are some of these things you started to dig
in to realize and go back and say, ah, I'm
starting to find me versus these roles.

Speaker 2 (27:38):
I started with. And I tell everybody to start here
with self awareness.

Speaker 4 (27:42):
You have to slope down enough to pay attention to
how you are living and expressing your life. Self awareness
is the number one thing that you have to learn
to do. And I tell people to ask themselves these questions,
why did I do that? Why did I say that?

(28:03):
Where did that come from? I'm gonna say it again,
why did I do that? You driving and you driving crazy?
Why did I do that?

Speaker 2 (28:11):
Why did I say that? Where did that come from.

Speaker 4 (28:13):
This work of self awareness is the biggest piece of
your puzzle, because what's happening when you're working with self
awareness You are now doing the work of discovering your perspective,
your lens, what you value, your beliefs, the categories in

(28:34):
which your brain is interacting with the world, what you
have actually characterized right as.

Speaker 2 (28:41):
Your show up, and what that looks like in your surroundings.

Speaker 4 (28:46):
Because a lot of times, when you just exist, you
really don't know why you do what you do.

Speaker 2 (28:51):
You really are not.

Speaker 4 (28:52):
Paying attention to what you're impacting and what that is.
You don't really pay attention to what you're saying and
where the roots of that language is coming from. And
then we try to move our lives forward with you know,
a dream or a wish or a vision, and we
wonder why we can't get to where it is that
we desire to be. Because in order to reach where

(29:14):
it is that we have to go, our identity has
to evolve. We have to do the self awareness work.
We need to look at the things the limiting the beliefs,
you know, the ways of being enacting our behavior and habits.
We have to pay attention to those things. So the
most powerful step you will ever take. Every single time
you feel yourself getting ready to be in transition, you

(29:36):
feel that you're not fulfilled, you're wanting more, you have
to do the first step, which is slowing down enough
to pay attention to how you're showing up.

Speaker 2 (29:47):
And that's called self awareness.

Speaker 6 (29:49):
I love how you gave context to self awareness because
I think, well, a lot of people get lost in
all this, or we lose a lot of people.

Speaker 3 (29:56):
Is these buzzwords right?

Speaker 6 (29:58):
We just keep hearing all these things and people say this,
so people just cross everything out because this is all
self awareness?

Speaker 2 (30:04):
What is that?

Speaker 3 (30:04):
I love how you gave an example, though. Self awareness
is starting with that question, Yeah, why why did I
do this? Why do I think this?

Speaker 6 (30:13):
Why do I because that is something I asked without
putting a term on it, that I was doing self awareness.

Speaker 3 (30:19):
These are things in my journey. I started to ask
why do I believe that?

Speaker 6 (30:23):
And a lot of times we'll go back to answer
our question isn't because of something that was convicted within us.
It's because, oh, that's just what I always knew, or
that's what such and such taught me, or that's what
this So, whether it's from a personal, professional, spiritual. A
lot of times we'll believe things just because we're told.

(30:43):
So I love how self awareness is. Asking that question,
so now you can go eradicate all those things saying, well,
I don't believe it because of something that was convicted
in me, but I did the work to understand it.
I believe it because I just I just believe I
was always told this. Yes, So I love that you
identify that is actually what self awareness is.

Speaker 2 (31:03):
All right, So I a question to that though, I
want to ask this point.

Speaker 4 (31:07):
After we ask those three questions, then the most important
question is do I want to keep it?

Speaker 3 (31:14):
You know what's deep about that one? There is fear
and realization and change.

Speaker 6 (31:23):
Sometimes there's more comfort in the chaos and the what
you do know. Yes, I believe a lot of times
people get defensive or push back on a lot of
things because it may be this unveiling of a truth.

Speaker 3 (31:38):
Yes, that what you're going to live with.

Speaker 6 (31:40):
So that last question is the most power in it
question to ask oneself.

Speaker 3 (31:47):
So what do you do from there?

Speaker 2 (31:51):
Do you want to keep it?

Speaker 3 (31:52):
Do you want to keep it? Then?

Speaker 2 (31:53):
What is the value of that right? What is the
connection to your show up?

Speaker 4 (31:59):
How does it impact right what it is and how
it is that you're showing up in the world if
you're going to keep it and you have to make
it yours intentionally. We have to remember a lot of
people don't realize that over ninety percent of your decisions
are made unconscious, meaning you are not living in you're conscious,
you're not living here. The majority of people think they

(32:22):
live right here.

Speaker 3 (32:22):
Every single day, but we're no, it's automatic.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
Automatic, you are on out plot. All of this is prescribed.

Speaker 4 (32:31):
So you are literally when you're doing the self awareness work,
going back into your brain and rewriting those synaptic connections
right to now move yourself towards where it.

Speaker 2 (32:44):
Is that you want to go and what that looks like.

Speaker 4 (32:46):
So it is the intentional rewriting, the myelination of those
new synaptic connections in your brain, because your brain has
to release the beliefs, the values that you had before
in order to create the new synactic connections for where
it is that you're going. So when you don't know,
when you just exist and you feel yourself always in cycles,

(33:11):
always stuck, not moving forward, not being fulfilled, is because
you now have to do the intentional work of reprogramming,
recalibrating your brain to support where it is that you
want to go, so that you can get to where
it is that you're headed, because if you don't, your
brain will continue to put itself in that default setting

(33:34):
with the habits and the behaviors of.

Speaker 2 (33:36):
Who it is that you were, and you continue, and
you will continue.

Speaker 4 (33:41):
To get the same thing. Gandhi says it like this,
Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions, your actions become your habits.
Your habits determine your destiny. Not that you want something different.
You have to intentionally do the work to position yourself

(34:05):
for the difference.

Speaker 6 (34:06):
And like that's what Raven said, that making decision to
intentionally yes, live, listen, that's that's real. You got to
intentionally live sometime. Because we're talking about artificial intelligence AI
and all the stuff which's always been around, but we're
elevating now to the point where we need to realize

(34:27):
we all we've been artificial intelligence of the human version.

Speaker 3 (34:31):
We're artificially with robots.

Speaker 6 (34:32):
We're not intentionally doing whatever, and we think, to your point,
we are, But it's that back mind that was already
programmed aied on us, and then we automatically think we're
doing whatever.

Speaker 3 (34:43):
And then when we get.

Speaker 6 (34:44):
Around someone who is intentional and it challenges that artificialness.
That's when we're like, wait, hold up, we get very defensive,
you know on those particular things.

Speaker 3 (34:57):
I love that you said that, so so you say it.

Speaker 6 (35:00):
I think it's one of the easiest hardest things to do.
I think when people try to figure out what to change, because,
like you said, when your mind is already stuck, it's
all these things. One of the things I want to
add to the list is your attraction, what you attract.
I was just having this conversation with my husband about
the reticulating activating system. When you see something, it's everything's

(35:21):
always been around, but when something becomes in your sphere,
you start to see more of it. So he got
a new vehicle. It's like this different color gray, like
this milky gray. All of a sudden, not only do
I see the vehicle he has more often I'm seeing
all vehicles in this milky gray. Yes, it's because what

(35:41):
was impressed on my mind in order to see that.
So when our subconscious is trained, although we may say
we want something different. We're gonna see that thing that's
in our mind's eye, and the only way to see
something different, our track, something different. I learned in my
journey is to come out of that subconscious and go

(36:01):
to the conscious and live intentionally.

Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yes, very much so.

Speaker 3 (36:05):
I love that.

Speaker 6 (36:05):
So your experience though, as a woman, especially a black woman,
you're coming into this realization of identity showing up unapologetically
in all spaces.

Speaker 3 (36:19):
What does that mean for you?

Speaker 6 (36:22):
We want to say this as a human that's fine,
but we know how intimidating and all the things. What
was the work and what did you say to yourself
showing up in the skin that you're in.

Speaker 4 (36:34):
I believe that everything that makes me who I am
is for my purpose. My color, my height, my voice,
my tone, my presence, my personality, everything that makes me
who I am is for my purpose. So I do
not deny the impact and the value of my show up.

(36:57):
I think a lot of times we forget that we
are here. We are created for this season and for
this time, and what I deal with that is my
responsibility and how I develop and mature and master the
greatness of who I am is what impacts environments. We

(37:21):
are created to impact environments. I am created that when
I enter rooms people look at me. That is not
something to shrink away from. It is something to walk
into because my authority, my purpose, my message is for

(37:42):
those rooms, whether I get a positive or a negative reaction,
because I do not own other people's reaction. I own
my responsibility to show up where I show up in
the greatness of the authority that I'm called to show
up in spaces. So I'm okay if somebody a good chat,

(38:06):
you know, I'm okay with that because that is what
they needed by me showing up in purpose and intentional. Now,
I'm not talking about showing up with baggage and drama
and you know false.

Speaker 2 (38:19):
This is who I am. I ain't talking about that.

Speaker 4 (38:22):
I am talking about centering myself, understanding the impact that
I'm called to make in spaces, owning it, and now
allowing myself to be in those spaces to create what
I have been called to create in those spaces, which
is to impact those My life is called.

Speaker 3 (38:41):
To impact period absolutely, and I love that.

Speaker 6 (38:45):
Like you said, do the work, find discover who you
are so you can show up that way, because that
is where your unique itness is.

Speaker 3 (38:52):
Your gift is.

Speaker 6 (38:53):
But that's where the necessity necessariness of it is as well,
because organizations people that should be around.

Speaker 3 (39:03):
They need the uniqueness.

Speaker 6 (39:04):
I was listening to something once again where someone was
talking about the most successful companies have diverse people from
minds to this, Like, when you're gonna talk about things,
we're gonna problem solve, things we're gonna try to elevate,
you need a representation that is completely diverse in the
thinking and this, And the only way it's gonna be
diverse in that is for you to really truly be you.

(39:25):
So whether we show someone showing up in their sexual orientation, gender,
the religious, how you see things, show up truly how
you are. Yes, because a lot of times we don't
even know how to produce for those that are not
in front of us. And that's why I intentionally started
introducing myself as Alokisha. I mean before it was Ella, Ella, Ella, Ellen,

(39:48):
and people could still call me Ella, that's fine, But
when I introduce myself as Alakisha. And you know why,
because when they see me, who show up and at
all the sharpness I show up and the knowledge all
whatever they say, they can put a name such as
Alakeisha to a person that's like that, so that way
that's not judged right. So completely show up and who

(40:11):
you are in order for people to stretch themselves. I
love that Trenisha asks, what are some practices that one
can leverage to start making shrives to actually see that
shift that you're talking about.

Speaker 4 (40:25):
It's making different decisions once you do the self awareness
work with understanding where it is that you're going and
then looking at the difference between where you are and
where you're going. Stephen Covey has this conversation of beginning
with the end in mind, So where is it that
you're going? And then where are you now? And what's

(40:46):
in between is the work that you need to do
in order to walk in where it is that you
need to be. For example, I was working on integrity.
That was one of the values that I wanted to
be one of my core that I think integrity, and
one of the lenses of integrity is you do what
you're supposed to do, whether someone is looking at you

(41:08):
or not.

Speaker 2 (41:09):
That is a that's the scope the definition. You know,
I did that work? What is the definition? What does
this really look like? How am I going to show up?
In this.

Speaker 4 (41:17):
So at the grocery store, Alakisha, you know how you
go and you got the cart not like all these
and you know they ain't got no nothing, no parking lot.
You got to go all the way back to the
sto chop, sorry back get your twenty five cents. So
I was working on this conversation around, you know, wanting

(41:38):
to really walk in integrity. And I was at my car,
put my groceries in, and I looked at the cart,
and the cart looked at me, and I looked at
the car. I looked at the car, the cart looked
at me, and I hurt in my heart. You have
to you said you wanted to walk in integrity. So
you know what I did, the practicality. I walked that

(41:58):
car back to the grocery store. And then when I
walked it up there, I was irritated.

Speaker 2 (42:04):
But then when I.

Speaker 4 (42:04):
Turned around, I checked my attitude, because why would I
have There's no need for me to have an attitude
when I'm cultivating right, a core value that I want
to be a part of who I am, and how
I show up and tell me I don't have attitude
about doing the right thing. So I checked my attitude,
and then I walked back to the car because that
was the practical application of me doing the work to

(42:27):
see the shift.

Speaker 2 (42:28):
In my own life. So I practiced it.

Speaker 4 (42:31):
I practiced what I wanted, which was to elevate integrity
in my life. I saw where I was, Honey, the
old me would have lift that car right there and
make sure nobody could hit it. And I made a
decision in the middle about what that looked like in
my everyday life. Your life is what you use to grow.

(42:51):
Stop looking outside of yourself for some deep experience. You
have opportunity in every area of your life, every single day,
every single decision to be intentional about what it is
that you want to add to your life to bring
you to the point of how you want to show
up and what.

Speaker 2 (43:08):
That looks like.

Speaker 6 (43:10):
So that shift shows up based on that middle park
where you want to, where you are at, where you
want to go, and the work that needs to be done.

Speaker 3 (43:18):
And that reminds me of being an athlete.

Speaker 6 (43:22):
So when we train right, we know we want to
either break times, qualify for a team national champion, whatever
it is conference, and we know where we are right now,
but we got to do that work in the middle,
and we do the work, and we'll go compete weekend
after weekend after weekend, and we may not even see
the qualifying or the level in which we want to

(43:43):
attain at that time, but we're doing the work.

Speaker 3 (43:47):
We're doing the work.

Speaker 6 (43:47):
And then all of a sudden, because we stay on
doing the work out of a time where we don't
realize it, we now see the shift and it's the
least time we expect it.

Speaker 3 (43:58):
We'll run and we're like it was because of the work.

Speaker 6 (44:01):
It wasn't at a time that we may have put
We sometime we write stuff down, it don't work. We
stay with doing the work, yes, and then all of
a sudden a shift happens. So that's immediately what I
thought about when you talked about where you are versus
where you want to go.

Speaker 3 (44:17):
But the shift happens in staying yes, consistently.

Speaker 6 (44:22):
Say doing the work, even when we get agitated because
you said that's not it. It's okay, get agitated, but
guess what, I recognize it. Yes, I give it it's
space in its place, and then I shift.

Speaker 3 (44:34):
We train, we may.

Speaker 6 (44:37):
Hit hurdles, we may you know, not hit markers when
we're running, but we stay with it and we do
that shift.

Speaker 2 (44:43):
And give yourself like this person, and give yourself crest.

Speaker 3 (44:45):
That's all about to say judgment.

Speaker 2 (44:47):
There is no judgment. This is work.

Speaker 4 (44:50):
Recalibrating, creating new synaptic connections is work. There will be challenges.
We have to redefine what challenges is. We need to
redefine and what we consider to be failure. We need
to redefine what it means to not get it right
all the time. Those are not aspects of something that
is negative. It is a part of the process. Like

(45:11):
you said, sometimes you're gonna fall, Sometimes you're gonna scrape
your knee. Sometimes you're going to have to yep, but
you get back up, You recalibrate. You see where it
is that you can do something different. You identify it
and you walk in it. And I know somebody say, God,
that's a lot of work. But what else do you
have to do but become your greatest expression? What else
is there but to be the greatest expression of yourself,

(45:34):
to impact the way your life has been called.

Speaker 2 (45:37):
And ordained to impact in the earth. You are here
for purpose.

Speaker 4 (45:42):
The work that you do and the mastery of self
gives you the authority and the power and the sense
of self.

Speaker 2 (45:50):
To create the impact you are called to create. This
is not a one time hit or quitter.

Speaker 4 (45:56):
You're gonna be evolving for the rest of your life
till you die. So this growth, this process, that grace,
the shift, the paying attention is just a daily habit.
It is a daily understanding. And when you do this
work and you make it a part of your life,
then you're okay with being uncomfortable. You're okay with knowing

(46:19):
that you know this change is not gonna make you
happy at first because you're dealing with what changing things
that's going on in your brain. You're gonna feel the resistance.
Settle that you're a mign the love is gonna throw
up them red flags. Settle that know that it is
a part of the journey. It is a part of
the work, and it will get you to where you

(46:40):
want to go if you're intentional.

Speaker 3 (46:42):
And then it becomes a habit. To be honest with
a person who.

Speaker 6 (46:46):
Been stuck in so many areas, so many times, different times,
I would say it's more work accepting to be stuck.
That takes a lot more work to navigate the pain,
the frustrations, the a lot. It's heavy, you might as
well if you're going to choose something that you're going
to put a lot of energy and effort into. For me,

(47:07):
it's not into trying to how to figure out how
to navigate this space of pain. It's more into how
to navigate the space of gain. So I'd rather put
work into that. But to your point, hit your knee.
Those failures, because you said redefine it, those are places
to learn how to do better.

Speaker 3 (47:26):
I need to tuck that knee a little.

Speaker 6 (47:27):
Higher, you know how to take those steps a little better.
So those things are not I like how you said
redefine what failure is. They're lessons and it's all of
us I can say safely, I think have learned how
to do things better in those spaces of lessons.

Speaker 3 (47:44):
Yes, this one thousand percent. Okay.

Speaker 6 (47:48):
So what do you see as the biggest misunderstanding or
gap on how whether it's leader in the workplace, leaders
in our life, on how we're expected to lead and

(48:08):
show up? What does that even mean? Some about redefining words,
what does lead mean? Before we even talk about that gap?
Is it leading ourselves? Is it leading in your true
just showing up who you are? That's leading, like what
is your definition of lead? And then that question what's
the biggest biggest misunderstanding our gap and how we show up?

Speaker 4 (48:28):
I think they're both the same. Is the eradication of self.
It is allowing job descriptions, allowing other people who are
successful at doing what it is that you want to do,
not leaning into and learning about yourself, and just taking

(48:49):
on other people's identities, other people's ways of doing things,
not using them as tools of learning about yourself, but
just adopting them as your way of being. The biggest
issue with the lead is forgetting yourself. The biggest gap
is forgetting yourself, because if you forget yourself, all you

(49:11):
are is becoming a carbon copy of the normalization in
those spaces, and you lose what makes you unique and
valuable to those spaces. Part of my research was asking
African American women who were successful before we even started
talking about DEI I did that intentionally. How were you successful?

(49:34):
And every single woman, all of them said, I know
who I am and this is the most important part,
and I'm willing to deal with the consequences of that.

Speaker 3 (49:47):
That that is good.

Speaker 2 (49:49):
That is good.

Speaker 6 (49:50):
I don't know if you remember I forgot she was
a dean of some school, oh what is her name?
But she committed suicide and it was supposed to it
was like workplace bullying, but she was in one of
those Ivy League schools or whatever. Because it made me
think of that when you said showing up, especially as
a black woman, showing up who you are, and I'm
not afraid of the consequences. But then there's some that

(50:10):
go through so much, you know, these microaggressions, some macro
it's all these things, yes, and so like they can't
show up who they are. But I like what you
just said because that applies to relationships. It applies to
everything that you're talking about. There's this gap here and
you showing up and leading and whatever way you're supposed

(50:30):
to lead, even in relationships when we're suppressing, yes, you know,
our voice.

Speaker 4 (50:35):
Connected to people we're not supposed to be connected to
because we're showing up as a person that that person
would be attracted to, not the person being who you
are would be attracted to. So now you wear, like
you said earlier, you're wearing masks, and you're wondering why
these people are in your life. They're in your life
because they're drawn to the mask, and you wonder why
you don't feel fulfilled, or why it doesn't click, or

(50:57):
what's going on or where's the misconnections?

Speaker 2 (51:00):
Connection? Is you not being yourself?

Speaker 6 (51:02):
You just said something though, because I mean, like you said,
you may be connected to on relationships with people that
are with you, dealing with you, connected to you based
on who they m, so you should be able. So
what do people doing that assess that or just become
themselves and let it fall away?

Speaker 3 (51:23):
I mean, how does that work?

Speaker 2 (51:26):
I have I get asked that.

Speaker 4 (51:28):
Question, especially people who are married, and I tell them
you gently introduce who you are to your mate.

Speaker 2 (51:33):
You don't just come out and say, listen, this is
the this is the new man, deal with it.

Speaker 4 (51:38):
No, you gently begin to introduce them to who it
is that you are, and how you show up and
what you like, what.

Speaker 2 (51:46):
Needs to change.

Speaker 4 (51:47):
You know, you have to use wisdom, right, you use
wisdom and insight because you know who you are connected to.
But you know, but when you're talking about outside relationships
maybe girl friends or things of that nature, we have
to begin to recalibrate and maybe reintroduce ourselves. I've told people,

(52:08):
you know I'm you know, I'm growing, I'm changing, and
this is this is how I want to show what now.
You might have to take some people to lunch and
share with them.

Speaker 2 (52:16):
Who are what it is that you you know, what
it is that you.

Speaker 4 (52:20):
Need now in the relationship. I think I think the
sad part is we don't expect people to change. And
when we don't expect people to change and we expect
them to stay the same, then what.

Speaker 2 (52:31):
We are creating is stagnated relationships.

Speaker 4 (52:35):
Everybody should be continuously evolving and growing, and we should
be intentional about introducing these new aspects of ourselves. Our
maturity are shifting even with age to the people who
are part of our lives. And if you have not
done that before, you need to start creating those opportunities

(52:56):
to do that so that you can begin to build
healthier relationships with the people that you want to be
a part of your life. And also too, you have
to understand that people have a right not to be
in a relationship with you. And I think a lot
of times we hide behind these masks and not changing
and not growing because we're trying to hold onto relationships.

Speaker 2 (53:17):
But then we are diminished, We are miserable.

Speaker 4 (53:19):
We're no longer happy because we are not no longer
We're no longer that person, and so now we have
these stagnant narratives and we're miserable instead of coming with
the context that we are always growing, elevating, changing, complimenting
someone else on their change and their growth, introducing your change,

(53:41):
what you like, what you don't like, to the narratives
for growth, and that takes intentionality, It takes maturity, and
it takes you understanding and giving other people permission to
change as the change you also want for yourself inside.

Speaker 2 (53:58):
Of that relationship.

Speaker 6 (53:59):
Yeah, I definitely love that because I believe that's what
that term comes from. When people just say, oh, we
grew apart the word grew, and it's a part because,
like you said, if you're not growing in any area
of your life, you're dying in that area.

Speaker 3 (54:13):
It's only one or two things.

Speaker 6 (54:15):
You're either growing or dying, because even if you're staying
the same, time is still moving, time is still moving,
then that means you're dying. So there's got to be
always a intentionality of growing in a space. That's why
I'm definitely very blessed because to your point in relationship wise,
my husband and I we constantly work to grow together.
People can grow at different rates, different pace, but we

(54:36):
know we realized early on because it's one of the
big things people talk about businesses.

Speaker 3 (54:41):
That's like a marriage a business. It's a business.

Speaker 6 (54:44):
So if we're going to talk about business entrepreneurship, I
was an entrepreneur multiple times. Business is that an entrepreneur
has stepped into a marriage. And we learned in that
you have to constantly grow and work on this as
a business, a love thing business. And so I love
that you brought that up that if slowly introduce yourself,

(55:06):
but if you can't introduce who you are when you
recognize that I want to focus on my identity versus
these roles. If you can't do that, then that's that's
going to be miserable in any any relationship.

Speaker 4 (55:21):
And you have to give people permission to not be
in relationship with you and not take it personal. So
if somebody says, you know what, you know, that's hard,
but it's life even in friendships, right you know you
use that term growing apart, that is real.

Speaker 3 (55:36):
Yes, what is the part I have changed and you no.

Speaker 4 (55:40):
Longer can come into community with that change, that change
no longer is something that you want to be a
part of, so you do.

Speaker 2 (55:48):
You can grow apart.

Speaker 4 (55:51):
But that's also when we don't give each other permission,
or it's not even a tenant of your relationships with
people girlfriends of mine that we've been relationships a long time.
I am intentional. So what's changed? What's going on in
your life? How you know what what shifted? How do
you Is there some other way that you need me
to show up for you? Right? We assume what people want.

(56:13):
I ask my girlfriends all the time. Okay, now how
do you? How do you want your birthday presents? Because
I want to go out to eat and the gift
need to be over twenty dollars, right, and then you
can your girlfriend and gave you a gift from Dollar
General and you kissed off and she ain't took you
out to eat because.

Speaker 2 (56:28):
You never told her what you needed. Yeah, never shared
what was valuable and important to you.

Speaker 3 (56:34):
And they just know the old they're operating on who
they think you are.

Speaker 2 (56:38):
How is that what they want?

Speaker 3 (56:40):
That's what they want? They projected absolutely, So.

Speaker 4 (56:45):
You have to be you know, in healthy and intentional
with your relationships, even with my husband. There was a
time where flowers was fine, and then they playing a
time where I don't.

Speaker 3 (56:54):
Want no more flowers, no more flies, no more no cars, No, I.

Speaker 2 (56:57):
Don't want that no more. I'm gonna give you. I
give you five ops. This is what I want for myself.

Speaker 4 (57:03):
Give me five op I'll give you five options or things,
and you can pick which one. I don't care which one.
I'm telling you what I like. I'm telling you now.
He comes to me and say, okay, Stephana, give me
five or six restaurants so I can take you out
for your birth right. And you know what, I give
him them five or six and he chooses right. Because
you want the person that you love to be happy.

(57:24):
You want the person that you love to feel appreciated
and honored, so you do those things that make them happy.
And if that's what you want me to do, then
I'm going to do it because I love you and
I want what you want for yourself. And that's just
another way of looking at relationships and not making the

(57:44):
relationship about you, but being intentional and making it about
the person that you love.

Speaker 3 (57:49):
Well, that's why you even look out of marriage.

Speaker 6 (57:51):
You lose family members like not talking because people don't
respect who I am now. I don't care who you
thought I was or who we up to be. This
is who I am right now. And so now you
have family members that don't talk because oh you think
you that. No, I know I'm this, I know who
I am. You have to understand, Yes, I don't care
what I tolerated before, what I accepted before, what I

(58:13):
did before.

Speaker 3 (58:14):
Correct, I'm showing up who I am right now and yes,
this is what I need. Yeah, so we're.

Speaker 6 (58:20):
Challenging our status quot in this conversation right here already
tell me you have to give prement people like, okay, whatever,
So what is your identity dynamic leadership?

Speaker 3 (58:27):
What are those? What are those pillars? And how can
it be applicable in life?

Speaker 6 (58:34):
Business like kind of break down those those identity dynamics
and summarized fashion.

Speaker 4 (58:40):
Well, I think a good way is to do it
is to do it through the lens of the book,
where there are twelve lessons. Right, it is a beautiful
process to help people to support and asking what are
these questions that I need to start asking myself to
begin this journey. So lesson number one is the room
is crooked, right, So it's how we understand environmental narratives

(59:01):
and systems and how they impact our lives. So how
the book is set up is the beginning of the
book is a story of someone who has actually walked
out that lesson, and then you see their journey, you know,
the steps that you know, the things that happen in
their space. Then I come back and bring you a
little theory or maybe it's music or a book or
some other evaluation of that conversation. And then after that

(59:25):
I talk about my own journey with that lesson. So
now what I'm doing is I'm teaching you how to
look at your story, to look at your lesson, to
evaluate that, and then I ask you a couple of
questions so that you can begin to do the work
around that lesson. Like the next lesson is embrace your story.
So again you go through that process and I go

(59:46):
through twelve lessons that can really help to support you
really putting the pieces together for you to begin to
work on your identity and what that looks like. So
it's a great you know, it's a great resource, and
it's a quick read. It's not heavy, it's not you know,
over complicated, it's really letting you look at my stories,

(01:00:08):
another woman's story, what the journey look like, and then
the aspects of that. And what I've done is because
I like to read and write up on all my books,
I give you some space in between there to put
your notes in your thoughts.

Speaker 2 (01:00:20):
Because I be marking up my books. I know you
you might be.

Speaker 6 (01:00:24):
Oh man, circle, mark, circle words, write things next to it,
and then I also tap things up. So sometimes because
I don't just pick up a book and read it
one time, you can't go back to it and say
this is where I want to go back to and
just eat on that, digest that particular thing.

Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
So I call it a.

Speaker 4 (01:00:46):
Living guide, right, It's alive because it's you connecting to
how do we do the practicality of this work and
what that looks like on our journey. So those twelve
lessons just a beautiful way to start the journey, to
start the process. It is what you would do every
single time, you know. And also our framework is around

(01:01:09):
you know that conversation of the acronym for identity, the
I stands for insight, the D stands for then you
have to deconstruct next, you know, is the E which
is you know ID I D E, which is empower.

Speaker 2 (01:01:23):
The end is you begin to navigate. So each one of.

Speaker 4 (01:01:26):
Those letters you know, transform, you know, trajectory, input, yield,
all of those letters actually show you what's actually happening
as you're working through the lessons and moving your process.

Speaker 2 (01:01:39):
Forward to do the work.

Speaker 4 (01:01:41):
And that's what I want people to understand what I'm
telling you.

Speaker 2 (01:01:44):
This is not just theory.

Speaker 4 (01:01:45):
I am teaching you how to do the work necessary
to move your life forward, to walk in the fullness
of who you are and how you show up so
that you can have the impact that you want with
your life.

Speaker 3 (01:01:58):
And the words you just said over and over is work.
You have to do the work.

Speaker 6 (01:02:04):
And it doesn't it stops at some point feeling like
work and feel like a habit, like you're just doing things.
When I started working out again, it fell like work
and then it was like, oh no, if I miss
some time, I missed it, I gotta go.

Speaker 3 (01:02:17):
It's like a habit. It's something you do. You have
on here.

Speaker 6 (01:02:20):
Self care is not optional. Well being is essential. And
here's a quote. Caring for myself is not self indulgence.
It is self preservation. And that is an act of
political warfare. Yes, yes, whoa that is an act a

(01:02:45):
political warfare.

Speaker 4 (01:02:46):
There is a.

Speaker 3 (01:02:48):
Conflicting war.

Speaker 6 (01:02:49):
So you have to decide which giant, yes you want
to feed and one have already involuntarily been fed. So
it feels like whatever, But we can wear may lose
different battles, but we can win the war if we
start feeding the other one that was suppressed.

Speaker 2 (01:03:05):
Yeah, and don't I love that? Know me, Just a
little bit at a time.

Speaker 4 (01:03:09):
Just start today with one thing. What is what area
you want to work on? Just start with that and
just do the work. Walk it out, don't rush it,
because as soon as you do that work, it becomes
the eye, the imprint, it becomes a part of who
you are. It will become your new default, and you
move on to the next thing that you want to

(01:03:29):
work on.

Speaker 6 (01:03:30):
I love you bite size, and I think that's where
a lot of us give up on things too. We
jump into something where it's like, oh, hey, we're doing
too much. Like I just brought a minut ago with
me working out. I start off with I'm only doing
one exercise each session. I'm not doing this whole like
when I was an athlete. Five exit, I go in
I do my cardio. Pick one exercises a squat okay,

(01:03:52):
and all.

Speaker 3 (01:03:53):
Of it compounds. Yes, he continues to compounds.

Speaker 4 (01:03:56):
So I.

Speaker 6 (01:03:58):
Totally agree with that. Get past that old thought process.
People say, do it. Pick something, master that, drill it
down and then continue to add on. And to be
honest with you, that add on becomes easy because you
already master something. You're waiting for something else in that
spot or shows up. Yes, in that particular spot, up

(01:04:19):
the question.

Speaker 2 (01:04:20):
It will show up. Your brain will tell you in
your heart you'll hear it what is it that I
need to work on? And it'll come up and you'd
be like, say what, yes that, move to it and
do the work.

Speaker 4 (01:04:32):
Because your belief for what you want, that reticular activating
system will alert your amigdala will alert that your belief,
your new belief with regards to where you're going, has
a conflict. There is something in the way, and that
thing that's in the way is where you start doing
the work.

Speaker 3 (01:04:51):
I love that part which I could have recorded that,
put that on my thing. I would have pushed it.
Yes that do that? That's what are some any highlights?

Speaker 6 (01:04:59):
Any for examples, you've seen some leaders who actually took
this and transformed like it wasn't just a quick win,
but it was a full transformation and their full identity
how they lead.

Speaker 3 (01:05:12):
Is there anything you can share with that?

Speaker 2 (01:05:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:05:15):
I had one of the ladies who took when I
was doing my doctoral work, and I did a curriculum
for them to train and she gave me her testimony
and she said, and it's in the book, and she goes, Stephanie,
there was a time this is a black woman that
I would have not spoken up in the meeting, she said,
But after doing your training and understanding who I am
and my show up and that I'm in rooms and

(01:05:36):
spaces intentionally and on purpose, she said, And I spoke
up for a woman who was being disenfranchised in a space.
It was a black woman who was getting ready to
go for a promotion. And so they were having a meeting.
This particular woman was the only other black woman who
was in the elevated leadership dynamics, and one of the

(01:05:58):
ladies said that they think that she would be stress
because they saw her cry one time. And so the
lady said, but really she really wasn't crying. It was
just one little tear, and she walked out the room,
and she said she remembers that they had another supervisor,
a white woman who cries all the time, and the
board had actually said that they were as the leadership

(01:06:19):
team to make time for her to help support her
in her supervision. So she said she just felt in
her heart that she needed to speak up. And she said, so,
how can we deny this woman, this black woman, the
opportunity to be a supervisor when we currently have another
supervisor who cries all the time. But your reasoning is
that she will be overwhelmed. So what you're saying is

(01:06:41):
we cannot give the job to the black woman. But
what you also were saying is we need to remove
the white woman. And she said the room was quiet.
She said, it's sepany I don't speak up. She said,
I never did until I took that training understanding the
impact of why I am in the room, that I
am a representation and advocate for those who will not

(01:07:05):
be seen and who do not have a voice in
certain spaces. And she said, just that day, the supervisor
was all of the different supervisors were there, but also
the CEO of the company was in that meeting. And
she said, after she said what she said, the CEO
is give her the job.

Speaker 2 (01:07:24):
That was the end of it. But now this is
the interesting part.

Speaker 4 (01:07:27):
After that, she went and called the black woman and
she said to her, I apologized to you for not
advocating the way that I could have been advocating for
you in these spaces. So she said, it made her
take responsibility for not only how she showed up in

(01:07:48):
that space so that she could get the position, but
that she did not stand in advocacy in other areas
for this woman, And she said, taking my course is
what shifted her life, and she will never be the
same again because she understands who she is and how
and why she's in the spaces and the rooms that

(01:08:08):
God has given her the opportunity to be in.

Speaker 6 (01:08:11):
So she was honest with showing up as herself, and
so many things happen right there. To Trenisia's question earlier,
when you see the shift, she did the work she
took the class, that work she executed not knowing what
the outcome.

Speaker 3 (01:08:25):
Was going to be.

Speaker 6 (01:08:26):
But when she executed, she in a shift, one in
the mindset of the CEO who ended up getting her job,
but also the education and awareness and the other woman.
But if it wasn't for her showing up in her identity,
which is to really want to speak up and not
be a suppressor, she took on that I really want
to speak up.

Speaker 3 (01:08:47):
She was able to see that full transformation and.

Speaker 4 (01:08:50):
Her and her identity who she was changed the trajectory
of someone else's life.

Speaker 2 (01:08:56):
And is that not the point?

Speaker 6 (01:08:58):
Absolutely that is right for ourselves. And then it ripples
out what it is for ourselves that we that we
expand or grow. It ripples out to everybody else, all right,
and challenging that is calling a conversation because you brought
U up a few times and we're talking about diversity
in the workplace from your expertise and knowledge, how I mean,

(01:09:20):
because we're still we're stuck on this DEI. I've read
different things. I'm hearing both different sides of the view.
I'm hearing DEI was never an argument for us because
it's not diversity that's something that helped us at all.
And then there's statistics on the numbers who it did
or DEI has been a reverse.

Speaker 3 (01:09:39):
Adverse effect to us.

Speaker 6 (01:09:40):
But then I'm hearing DEI has helped put, you know,
qualify people in things, positions, so is that something we
should be focused on DEI or identity?

Speaker 3 (01:09:50):
Did it ever help us or did it not?

Speaker 2 (01:09:52):
From your expertise, the bottom line is we all have
to own our difference.

Speaker 4 (01:09:57):
Whether we're black, women, white, male, female, all of us
have to walk in this understanding that we are all different.
What's happening now is this the United States with an
individualistic cultural expression, is coming against collective identity. But the

(01:10:23):
bottom line is we all have a responsibility to do
the personal work, to walk in the fullness of who
we are and how we show up. If everybody is
doing the work elocation.

Speaker 2 (01:10:37):
Think about that.

Speaker 4 (01:10:38):
If everybody is doing the work, then our capacity and
our ability to appreciate and see difference happens because we
are all doing the work on ourselves. Everyone is diverse.
There is diversity, There is equity, there is inclusion, there
is belonging, all of those things. When we focus on

(01:11:01):
who we are and how we show up and the
uniqueness of who we are, if we all embrace difference,
if we all redefine what unity is, that's a lot
of the issues in corporate spaces. What really is unity.
Unity is not us being clones of who we are.
Unity is the end result and the goal and what
it is that we're trying to actually accomplish in the end.

(01:11:23):
But what is needed, like you said earlier, is all
of our diverse voices, perspectives and lenses around a conversation
to create a result that becomes the unified voice of
what it is that we're producing and what it is
that we're putting out. People have to learn to appreciate difference, period.

(01:11:44):
It's not going away. Difference, diversity, equity, and inclusion. I
don't care what you call it. It is what it is.
We are who we are, and people have to learn
to walk in the fullness of that. There is always
going to be pushed back for any that's different than
what it was. One of the parts of my research

(01:12:04):
was how do we decenter you know, these norms and
now how do we normalize what is difference with regards
to different people and how they show up in spaces
and what that looks like. There has to be a
disentering and there has to be a normalization of difference,
and when we do that, everybody not only is impacted,

(01:12:27):
but everybody is able to show up in their greatness.

Speaker 6 (01:12:31):
And this is my last question of statement and then
you can cover anything I didn't cover. When you're speaking
of unity and we're speaking of identity, what I dare
to say and challenging my question and to ask you
is a lot of times where I see the pushback
in both and identity and or what unity means is

(01:12:54):
within the black community itself.

Speaker 3 (01:12:57):
I don't have to look out any further.

Speaker 6 (01:13:00):
We're either focusing on for us, unity means, although we'll
say we're not a monolith, unity means we all better
think the same and be at that same dagon picnic
or you're canceled.

Speaker 5 (01:13:12):
We do.

Speaker 6 (01:13:12):
We have a lot of cancelation, which is hard for
us to have unification and the things that we need
to do because we believe unity is that other definition
of that right. And then identity, A lot of times
we suppress our identity, not knowing if it's an identity

(01:13:36):
of the black card, it's going to be taken. So
when we're looking at identity and unification, the two things
you brought up, immediately my heart spoke that outside of
the workplace because even in the workplace, yes, a lot
of times who we're dealing with in the workplace that
we're suppressing identity and everything else is for someone who

(01:13:56):
look like you. So what from you navigating any spaces?
What identity means and unity means?

Speaker 3 (01:14:04):
What are you seeing? If you're seeing something different? Can
you speak to what I'm seeing? Within ourselves? What should
we do?

Speaker 2 (01:14:17):
Again?

Speaker 4 (01:14:18):
It goes back to each one of us taking responsibility
for our own show upon what that looks like in spaces,
and being able to own and appreciate the opinions and
points of view of people who do not think the
way that we think. What we fail to realize and
understand that every single person lives in their own what

(01:14:39):
we call in research paradigm, We live in our own
own worlds, and we project our lens on other people,
expecting other people to have the same lens and perspective
that we have. So we end up doing a whole
lot of projections or we fall into these cultural or
societal norms that say, if.

Speaker 2 (01:14:59):
I'm right, you have to be wrong.

Speaker 4 (01:15:01):
That's that black and white narrative, right, and if I
have to make sure that you're wrong in order for
me to be right, and it is people not really
understanding the nuance of community, the nuance of perspectives and lenses,
and so we end up not only projecting our own

(01:15:23):
way of showing up and being onto others. Then we
turn around and we need, in order to validate our positioning,
for someone else to be wrong, not thinking that in nuance,
more than one thing can be right. And we don't
like to say that, We don't like to live in gray.
We want things to be complete and solid, and that's
all that it is. And so then we find ourselves

(01:15:46):
battling each other like you were talking about in the
black community, because we're really not appreciating the fact that
there is nuance, that there is difference, that we are
not all the same, that there can be nuance, and
that is what makes us beautiful, and that's what makes
us a great people. And I think if we can

(01:16:06):
get people to mature and understand and appreciate the nuance
and difference which is identity in all people, you will
find your community who thinks like you think. You will
find people who gravitate and have the same lenses and perspectives.
But to say that everybody is going to think and
be the same and act the same is a misnomer.

Speaker 2 (01:16:28):
And because we're requiring it, that's where I think.

Speaker 4 (01:16:31):
A lot of the backlash and the clashing is coming
from because we don't believe that I can be right
and you can be right too, or that there is
nuance to what this conversation is and how we're showing.

Speaker 2 (01:16:46):
Up in spaces.

Speaker 6 (01:16:47):
Absolutely, and if the objective the end game is the same,
the other things could be respectfully handled. And I've just
seen that just throughout our history period from leaders and everybody.
If only we understood and respected each person identity that
had the same intentional endgame, so much could have been accomplished.

Speaker 3 (01:17:10):
And that's the danger in that. So is there anything
I did it cover.

Speaker 6 (01:17:15):
That you want to actually cover When we're thinking about
identity moving forward and being sustainable in it, not short
term when, but actually being sustainable.

Speaker 4 (01:17:27):
Do it. You will always be evolving, You will always
be growing. It is the beauty of who we are
as unique individuals. Don't run away from the challenge of
doing this work. I say this all the time. What
else are you doing?

Speaker 2 (01:17:46):
You are the gift.

Speaker 4 (01:17:48):
That was That's one of the lessons. You are the gift,
not the roles and the responsibilities. You are the gift
to impact roles and responsibilities. We need you, We need
your voice. We need your lens, We need your perspective.
We need how you view life the world because when

(01:18:09):
you show up as your greatest expression, it makes me better,
it makes you better. So own the journey, do the work,
take the steps, do the first work. Self awareness.

Speaker 2 (01:18:21):
Why did I do that?

Speaker 4 (01:18:23):
Why did I say that? Where does that come from?
Do I want to keep it? And as you begin
to really do and hone in and walk through that,
you will begin to see not only a shift in
your life, but you will begin to see why you
show up.

Speaker 2 (01:18:39):
The way you show up is so valuable and important
to the world that we're living in.

Speaker 6 (01:18:44):
And you and I think you summed up in as
that one statement, we need you.

Speaker 3 (01:18:50):
We need you exactly how you are, so that means
be fully who you are.

Speaker 6 (01:18:55):
Don't worry about what people think about you, say about you,
not isolate yourself, because we talk about isolation as it's
one thing, but you're actually isolating yourself when you suppress
who you are.

Speaker 2 (01:19:08):
And we need you.

Speaker 6 (01:19:10):
We can look in the sky, see clouds, I can say,
oh wow, look at that dinosaur I see and if
my g baby say that's an elephant, And now all
of a sudden, I see the elephant. But if it
wasn't for the different views and sights that we all
have collectively, we won't see more. We all suppress it.

(01:19:30):
So that is absolutely amazing. How can individuals connect?

Speaker 4 (01:19:36):
I'm just can to connect with me on LinkedIn, dtor
Stephanie M. Kirkland, I'm on Facebook, Stephanie M. Kirkland. I'm
on Instagram doctor Stephanie M. Kirkland or Identity Dynamics. You
can also reach me on a Woman behind the Vision.
It is the work that I do for executive leaders
and women in leadership. I'm having a retreat coming on

(01:19:58):
as a recharge retreat for women in leading in October
the twenty third through the twenty six If you're interested
in that, please connect with me. I would love to
send you the information. We're going to be in Kyowo
Island this year. I take leaders twice a year every
six months because we need to learn how to rest
and recharge. And we just got back from Mexico. We
went to Revere and Maya, Mexico in April, and so

(01:20:20):
then we're going to Kyowa Island.

Speaker 2 (01:20:22):
I'm outside of Charleston in October.

Speaker 4 (01:20:24):
So we have to do the work. We have to
come into community. And if the work that I do
is something that you want to be a part of,
I would love to be a part of your journey.

Speaker 6 (01:20:34):
And that's beautiful. And that's why we had another one
grade to stage. Please all connect. These are all pieces
of the puzzle for us to finally see our shift.

Speaker 3 (01:20:45):
I'm tired. I know you tied.

Speaker 6 (01:20:47):
And when we all get tied, a sick and tied
a being sins and tied, we do what's needed. So
all these puzzles I'm bringing, do something with it today
episode that it's listen. I want you to take away that,
first of all, leadership is more than a title. As
doctor Stephanie said, it's more than a title. It's about
you bringing what it is to those particular titles you

(01:21:12):
are needed. Doctor Stephanie also said that she wasn't judgmental
against her life. So while we're in evolution, transformation is
not about you being judgmental about your life. All those
things that you're going through are bringing you right to
who you are supposed to come out to be. Do

(01:21:32):
not be judgmental about your life. Take the evolution, the change,
one step, one piece at a time. I wrote a
couple of things down real quick, and then she also
said that this is important if.

Speaker 3 (01:21:47):
It can be taken away. The slow this down. When
you ask yourself about who am I? Who am I?

Speaker 6 (01:21:57):
If your answer is something that can be taken away,
it's not who you are, So ask yourself do the
work again.

Speaker 3 (01:22:07):
You are the gift you are needed.

Speaker 6 (01:22:10):
And if you want to see that shift, know what's
going to happen for what you're doing in the middle.
If you want to see the shift from who you
are to where you want to be, know that that answer,
the lessons, the love, all.

Speaker 3 (01:22:25):
Of that is in the middle.

Speaker 6 (01:22:28):
So it's how you think, how you show up, how
you shape the world around you, and it all starts
with you knowing who you are. Do that self awareness work.
Thank you so much, doctor Stephanie for reminding us that
when we lead from our full identity, we don't just
succeed in the things that we do. We transform ourself
and then we also transform the world. So everyone, thank

(01:22:52):
you for engaging adding value to this conversation. Please connect
with doctor Stephanie because I want to see us all
all continue to rise to the top together and have
a big party in celebrating and doing so.

Speaker 3 (01:23:05):
So until next.

Speaker 6 (01:23:06):
Time, keep elevating peace and progress to you all. Stay
right there,

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Unmasking the Leader Within: Leadership Isn't Just Strategy. It's Identity in Motion

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