Cultivating Conscious C**k with Kristopher Lovestone!

There are many articles written about “toxic masculinity”, but how does “healthy masculinity” show up? And in a culture rooted in largely toxic values with very little pleasure and connection-based sex education available, how do cisgender men learn how to be healthy, loving, compassionate, and EMPOWERED Men?


Join Devi Ward Erickson and Certified Sex Educator, Kristopher Lovestone as they discuss his new book Conscious C*ck: The Empowered Sexuality Manual For Men.


Find out:
* What Healthy masculinity for cishet men looks and feels like
* Boundaries & consent as a self-empowerment practice
* Sex education for men
* Communication tools for relationship success
* Building intimacy through authenticity
* How this information is relevant to men of color
Join us for this lively and activated conversation!

Thank you for listening to Sex Is Medicine! We appreciate YOU! :-)

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Do you have a question you want answered on air? We are delighted to answer!

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Learn more about our work at HolisticSexologyInstitute.com

Find out more about our government-accredited Holistic Sexology Certification Program.

See you next week!
With Love,
Devi and Alaina

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
This is Contact Talk Radio dot Com Consciousness in Action,
and you are taking action into your consciousness by tuning
into Contact Talk Radio.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
And on tune in dot com, being Don FM and.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
UPSNAPMOMAL Contact Talk Radio. Welcome to Sex's Medicine, your number
one resource for holistic sex education. I'm Davey word Ericson,
and I invite you to join me every week for
another enriching and powerful conversation about the intersection of sexuality, spirituality, pleasure,

(00:36):
and personal growth. Each episode of Sex's Medicine is dedicated
to awakening your heart and mind to the true purpose
and power of human sexuality. Please join me on this
journey of self discovery as we explore the art of
using pleasure as medicine to awaken, heal, and empower every

(00:58):
area of your life. Sex's Medicine broadcasts every Thursday at
seven pm Pacific on Contact Talk Radio Network. You can
listen to the replay and subscribe to Sex's Medicine on Spotify, Stitcher,
tune in, iTunes, iHeartRadio, and YouTube. And now get ready
for another episode of Sex Is Medicine. Hey, everybody, Welcome

(01:21):
to Sex Is Medicine. I am your host, Davey ward
ericson here with you once again for another juicy and
enriching conversation about sexuality, spirituality, pleasure, and personal growth. And
I'm just gonna remind you once again that we are
coming towards the end of October and Little Davy Dooglebug
and Sex's Medicine is taking a break for the winter,

(01:42):
so we're gonna go offline from November December and into
twenty twenty two. We will be back in twenty twenty
two with all kinds of awesome new content for you.
In the meantime, you can catch up on all those
two hundred episodes that you may have messed. Here with
me today is Chris Stefer love Stone, and I made

(02:03):
Christopher work kind of hard to get this interview, one
of our last ones for twenty twenty one. Had some
questions for him about his work, and it is really
powerful and necessary work for all of us to know about.
So I'm delighted to share his message with all of us,
all of you and me too. A little bit about
Christopher Lovestone, which is an amazing name, by the way,

(02:24):
Christopher Lovestone. That is lucky if you're going to be
a sex educator.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
That's time.

Speaker 3 (02:29):
That's kind like the name to have. So Christopher Lovestone
is described as the Einstein of relationships and he's an
ingenious certified sex educator who is breaking new ground in
sex education for men and couples. After surviving six divorces
during his childhood, he went on to rewrite the rules
of the relationship game so that people can actually win. Yes,

(02:50):
thank you. His ingenious and practical approach transforms people's ability
to get what they really want in their long term relationship.
Through study of the art, communication tools, edge sex and
intimacy education, and innovative relational strategies, he empowers people to
exit relationship exhaustion and cultivate the intimacy of their dreams
with their partner. And to help us all in this endeavor,

(03:11):
I know that's pretty who rates your bios and so
support us all with us. He's recently published a new
book called Conscious Cock Again love that title, and we're
going to dive into the explanation of what that book
is about and why and how it can help support
all of us and having healthy, long term, sustainable relationship.

(03:32):
So thank you Christopher Lovestone.

Speaker 2 (03:34):
For Amen Way women, Hey God, Hey God, us. That
was the most amazing introduction. Thank you, Davey. I'm so
happy to be here. You know, these are uncommon conversations
that we're having. Not for you because you've got two
hundred episodes on a podcast, but for most people, this
isn't stuff that we normally talk about. So thank you
for inviting me on the show. Thank you for being

(03:55):
rigorous about seeing whether or not i'd be a good
fit with my message. I really appreciate that. And being
able to discuss this for other people helps them to
be able to discuss it in their lives, right. It
normalizes these types of conversations, these types of thoughts and
feelings that we don't see in popular media.

Speaker 3 (04:12):
Well yeah, and it's so necessary because these are normal
issues that we all deal with and we're kind of
left out, you know, in the wild to try and
figure it out on our own, and you know, perpetuating
trauma and all sorts of stuff. So it's wonderful to
have some guides on our journey of healing and reclamation
of our love and our joy. So where did this

(04:34):
journey begin? For you? You survive six divorces, that's and as
we know from early childhood, trauma, adverse childhood experiences. One
divorce is bad enough, much less six. So how did
all this start for you? Ah?

Speaker 2 (04:50):
Feminism? My mom, single parent, getting pregnant in college in
the seventies. Didn't want to have an abortion. What was
she going to do? Wanted to have her child. She
lit her up inside just it was her personal thing, like,
oh my god, that she was so clear she's going
to come hell or high water. She was going to
do anything it took to have me and raise me

(05:11):
as safely as possible. But that didn't turn out to
be easy. Vietnam vets were the kind of guys that
she got into relationships with that was the man of
the era back then, and they had so much trauma. Yes,
So anyway, she ended up having one relationship after another
and they'd be about three or four years long then

(05:31):
they'd break and usually it was because of cheating, always
was because of abuse and fighting, and I just would
see them. I live this, this trauma, the emotional abuse,
the financial abuse, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, and
it was just acid to my heart, Like I just
knew in my soul that there was something better out there.

(05:51):
There's got to be otherwise this world sucks. Screw it.
I don't want to be in this life. I just
saw how people could just have the best desires and
intentions for relationship success, for emotional fulfilling connection, but then
just ships would pass in the night. They'd both be
stuck in their stories and unable to see that there's

(06:13):
some sense in what the other person was saying, some
sense in the other person's perspective. They just couldn't get
me on themselves. So I started escaping by reading science fiction.

Speaker 3 (06:24):
Wow, hey me too, send my way out.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
Ye read my mind, Thank God, because my life was
really kind of a prison, and I started thinking, oh,
maybe there could be other ways, ways that I don't
see around me, Thank the Lord. So as an adult,
I just kind of devoted my life to searching for

(06:47):
this diamond in the rough that I didn't see around me.
It wasn't in popular media, it wasn't in Hollywood. Didn't
see any friends or family, or nobody in my community.
Nobody was doing what I considered a healthy, hot relationship.
It was just all cheating life, eying, betrayal, trauma. But
I kept searching. I went to the library at thirteen,
trying to find a book on sex to ask myself

(07:10):
the question is masturbation okay? Is this okay? Let me
learn about it? Am I gonna hurt myself if I
do this too much? Like I couldn't find the information.
So thirty years later, let's say, you know, I finally
succeeded in my own life at having a system, literally
a system that works in relationship between a man and

(07:32):
a woman. That's what I focus on, is heterosexual relationships.
And then I see all these guys out there that
are struggling. They can't make it work. They're trying, and
they're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Feminism
has emasculated them, put their their dick and their power
in a box and said we don't want that. That's bad.
You're the cause of all the problems in the world.

(07:52):
But then at the same time, there's all these women
doing self empowerment work. We're saying, I want an empowered
man too. Where's all the guys doing empowerment work? Well,
a empowerment that's almost a dirty word, yeah, mm hmm. Anyway,
so I was like, I got to help these guys.
I had to help myself up. It was hard by
my bootstrap. Year after a year and I finally figured

(08:12):
out a way. Let me ease it for the next guy,
try on what I'm doing, Try it on for size,
see if it works for you. If it doesn't, fine,
This isn't gospel, but it is a system that does
work for me. It is a roadmap that is functional.

Speaker 3 (08:26):
So what are some what are some some of the
hallmarks of this roadmap. I don't want you to give your
you know, system away for free, because that's what's in
your book, but give us an idea what what this
system is like? How how did it come about? Was
it just kind of like trial and error? Or you know,
did you did? You read a lot of self help
books like how did this all occur?

Speaker 2 (08:47):
A life of reading books on the topics of intimacy,
which is relationship skills, on the topics of communication, how
to actually get your meaning across to another person and
how to elicit their meaning that they're trying to communicate
to you, maybe in broken words, in complete paragraphs, you know.
And then also modern sex head not sex said from

(09:12):
when I was in high school I'm forty seven years old,
which was all about just say no to drugs and sex,
just you know, don't get an STI and don't get pregnant. Well, hello,
what about the pleasure centers of our bodies? Can't even
talk about pleasure in public school systems, it's literally against
the rules. Really, eight ten thousand nerve endings. And this

(09:33):
little spot called the clitterists, Oh my god, And it's
not just the spot. Now we know there's this whole
internal structure to the clitterists. And if guys don't know that,
if they don't have an actual modern roadmap, if they're
trying to use a roadmap from the nineteen hundreds, good luck.
In the modern world, life is more complex, women are
more complex that they're more empowered, Like you got to

(09:53):
meet their hearts and their minds and their bodies anyway.
So I just, I just I'm a good teacher school
of education, become a teacher. I'm good for development, curriculum
and instruction. So I just said, if I want to
take a guy from where I was and get them
to where I'm at, like, what do I need them
to learn along the way? And it just turned out
to be five things. Number one is installing some upgrades

(10:15):
to how we think our beliefs. We got to change
some of our goddamn perspectives. Grandpa's perspectives don't work in
twenty twenty one. And then understanding your partner. Guys don't
really understand women. Women can be confusing. Guys can just
throw up their hands and say, I'm done. I don't
fucking know what to do. Then if I do, damned,

(10:36):
If I don't, let's change that. You can understand women absolutely,
they're not rocket science. Then after that some sex education
modern sex education section number three, learn about the internal
hotspots that we know about inside the female genitalia that
we didn't know about twenty years ago because male doctors

(10:57):
never mapped the internal neural structures in female genitals. They
never did it until twenty years ago. It's brand new information.
Then after that, number four intimacy tools. How to stoke
the fire of your relationship. You have to have some
tools for keeping your relationship hot. I only teach about
long term relationship success. I don't give a shit about pickups.
I don't care about dating. No no, no, no, no no
no no no. If you want long term success hot juicy,

(11:19):
getting your erotic dreams and bucket list items you know
achieved in your relationship with somebody long term. That's what
I teach, but you gotta have tools for that. You
got to keep it hot because things change, We change,
we dwindle, our appetites change. And then last thing I
teach is actual sex technique, which is what all the
guys want to know. How do I last longer in bed? Well,
I'll teach you that, but you gott to learn this

(11:40):
stuff first, otherwise you don't. You don't really have the
quality and the character to wield these high power tools anyway.
So that five prong system really takes the guy from
here to here in like a very short period of time.
High power, high impact things that you don't have to
practice for twenty years to master.

Speaker 3 (12:00):
So question for you. A lot of the dysfunction that
I believe that I see that we experience in relationships
is a result of often our early childhood trauma. So
that you know, you described early childhood traumas like so
much like that and like taking off the table genetic, historical,
like just getting rid of all the other types of trauma,

(12:20):
just our childhood trauma, just you know, growing up in
a home of domestic violence, suffering through a divorce, poverty,
as many of the issues that plague us as you know,
little children, infant male circumcision, massive trauma. So how does
your system account for that in terms of relationship dynamics,
Because very often when we're having these screaming, matching and

(12:41):
yelling fights, it's just our traumas rubbing up against each
other and us in our fight or flight response. So
do you address that in your system or how do
you address that in your system? If you do?

Speaker 2 (12:52):
Okay, number one, I'm not a therapist. I'm a counselor,
I'm a coach. I'm a teacher, but I and go
through to get my master's degree in this. So if
there's a level of dysfunction or abuse or trauma that's
happening in your world, like you need help. Okay, this
is a self help book, that's all. This is all right.

(13:13):
This is awesome for people that aren't experiencing abuse in
trauma right now. But I would say the majority of
us have, or all of us have, in this human
experience human existence, experienced some sort of trauma in our upbringings. Right,
So we're all these kind of like broken people interfacing

(13:34):
with all these other broken people, or it's all all
of these little children interfacing with all these other little children.
How do we address that? So my system is not complicated.
It's about learning communication tools to be able to get
difficult truths out there in the best way possible. Now,
what I mean by that is in a way that
has the highest likelihood of it going well. We increase

(13:57):
our chances of success by learning how to give a
handle to hold on too. We preface, we set the frame,
We do our own internal work of understanding what's really
going on inside of us, and then we can communicate
that reality in such a way that it hopefully won't
trigger them to run away or have a temper tantrum
or break up with us or something like that. And

(14:19):
also to tease out of our partner their truth what's
going on in them, because a lot of guys the
last woman, what do you want? And she goes, I
don't know. Maybe she's never been asked in her life.
Maybe like she's been so drowned out by her mom
and her pop, like just do what you're told, don't
have your own opinion, Just do the damn chores, like

(14:41):
be a good student, like be a nice girl, like
all that crap that maybe she's never had a space
to or never had anybody empower her voice and her
choice in her life. So it's a tremendous opportunity in
relationship where you can't empower your partner for that sense
of opening up and blossoming, maybe for the first in
their entire lives. Anyway, it's about these communication tools that

(15:03):
we should be taught in grade school.

Speaker 3 (15:06):
Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely correct. Communication is the is the
foundation of cultivating a container of trust and safety in
a relationship. And doesn't matter like how good your sex
skills are. If we if I, as a cis gender woman,
do not feel safe in your presence, I'm not going
to be able to relax fully into my bliss, fully
into my orgasm. So setting the stage, setting the groundwork

(15:29):
for having healthy, constructive communication. And then also what I'm
hearing is like, you're not really your focus in your
work isn't really on like you know, short term relationships
and dating. Your your focus in your work is relationship sustainability.
And I would say that that's that's kind of that's
a unique perspective in this field. There's a lot of
conversation about polyamory, there's a lot of conversation about dating.
There's a lot of conversations about you know, different sexual orientations,

(15:53):
but this whole like monogamous cis head or sis sis
heterosexual wife relationship, having healthy relationships in that demographic that
very very often gets overlooked. And yet it is a
demographic that that, like, you know, if we aren't I
if if all of us as humans are not in healthy,

(16:15):
supportive relationships, then that wound and that poison is going
to influence our society at large. So I just want
to praise and support your courage.

Speaker 2 (16:24):
Well, thank you, you know, but I do want to
you've in this flag. Yeah, look at me going traditional here,
long term relationship because there's a lot of wine, I
don't know.

Speaker 3 (16:36):
A lot of shade that.

Speaker 2 (16:37):
Do we want to grow all alone?

Speaker 3 (16:39):
Yes?

Speaker 2 (16:40):
Yes, you know, we age, we change. I think that
we want to. I think most people want to have
their current desires fulfilled and want to have a pathway
towards getting their future desires fulfilled. All so, and I
don't think that's swimming in the waters, have single them forever.
For most people, that gets immediate sexual satisfaction and variety

(17:01):
needs met. Absolutely, But well you can have that, that's fine,
But if you want long term relationship with a person,
You got to invest in that person. That means learning
how to dance with that person. And I just want
to take issue with one thing. Like you mentioned, you
know that I'm white and I teach white people. Well
I don't. I don't think that I teach white people.

(17:22):
I'm talking to the core of humanity. You know, I
don't care what your religious background is, or what community
you were brought up in, or this tone of your
skin color. These pain is universal, like relationships are universal.
We're born into this world and we die, and we
have relationships along the way. We want to touch and

(17:43):
be touched for social organisms. So you know, I feel
and I may have blind spots, And if you see
I have a blind spot, I'm welcome to hear it,
Like call me out, It's okay. But I think these
are universal truths anyway. So if we can heal our
ability to relate with one person, that revolutionizes the whole planet,

(18:05):
that revolutionizes our local community, all the layers that are
from our relationship with ourselves, to our close inner circle,
to our family, to our community, to the state that
we live, into the country, to the world at large.
Like all these layers become affected.

Speaker 3 (18:21):
Absolutely, and that is why the healing of our intimate
relationships is so such a focal point and has actually
been a focal point in some Eastern traditions as well.
And in terms of I want to hear and support
that your message is for humanity and what my orientation
is as a person of color, there are certain stressors
and traumas that are specific to being black in America

(18:45):
that you will not be able to relate to at all. Ever,
and there are certain causes and conditions in place, certain as,
certain things that I'm going to have to work on
and heal. So when you say, like, you know, women,
you know this is the way women are. Well, as
a black woman, my experience of life is very very
different than a white, middle class heterosexual woman growing up

(19:06):
in Iowa, so to speak. My experience is very very different,
and my experience is impacted and affected by my genetics
and by my skin color and by my appearance. So
when I say, you know, referring to you speaking to
you know cis white men. Yes, of course your message
is universal, but there's specific things that occur in the

(19:29):
dynamics of white people that are different than in the
dynamics of black people. And this is very, very salient.
I'm in an interracial relationship. My husband's white, so there's
stuff that comes up for me in ways of expressing
myself that for him he absorbs in a different way.
And there's things about his orientation and his view that
I'm like, I'm black, I don't think that way. That's no,

(19:51):
it's not even on my radar. So I think that
we I always want to account for the fact that
when we're talking about universal humans, we're also talking about
individuated and individual and unique experiences that, unfortunately today are
based on race. That is a fact that it's an
inescapable fact. I can escape it as a person of color,
and we can escape it as a society.

Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yeah. Absolutely, I completely agree with you. We could say
that I believe me Christopher's Lovestone. I believe that these
are universal truths from my limited perspectives.

Speaker 3 (20:21):
Right.

Speaker 2 (20:22):
My perspective is what I've grown up, what I've seen,
what I've lived in, and what I've experienced, and I'm
just going to acknowledge it. Yeah, I've donn have blind spots.
I'm gonna have programming that I don't know about now.
I make a practice to try to find my blind spots.
I try to find common ground. But still, yeah, what
do we do anyway? I think you've got good resource
there for putting a book out, Davy. You know about

(20:43):
crossing the cultural barrier in your own intimate, long term relationship,
you know, there's not much there on that. How do
you keep it hot and amazing and engaged when you're
an evolving human being and there's cultural differences to thought patterns,
of communication patterns and stuff like that. That is rich soil, Yeah,
it really is.

Speaker 3 (21:02):
And so circling back to your work. So the foundation
of what you do is it sounds like the foundation,
or at least this building block, is really on communication,
which is a skill that we are not taught. I
practice non violent communication, and I was horrified when I
first started. It's like, how do we not know this?
How are we not given these skills growing up? Then

(21:24):
the second piece is understanding women? So what does that
mean in terms of the work that you do? How
do you help men understand women?

Speaker 2 (21:35):
Well, there's a lot of things that I talk about there.
It's a whole section of the book. Let me just
look at it really quickly. There's a thing that I've
identified number one here, understanding her point of view, that
guys tend to believe that their point of view is
more valid than hers. Yes see, I call that universal. Yes, okay,

(21:56):
And that's I gender it. I said, I think men
have that point of view about women. I think that
he thinks he's more logical, he's got things figured out.
She's less ration, she's irrational, and he doesn't believe that
her point of view is as valid. And I'm like, no,
we got to take issue with that shit. Her point
of view is just as damn valid as yours. She

(22:17):
has her own path of experience in her life, she's
gone through her own evolution, and she handles things differently
than you do. It is not less valid. So if
you if guys can downshift that program that they've got
running in their heads and actually listen to the reality
of what she's saying and try to imagine it from
her experience of her life, he's probably going to get enriched. Now,

(22:42):
he still might have his point of view and still
believe it. Yes, understanding being able to see something from
her point of view enriches us that it makes us
less unilateral, Yeah, more capacious. We have more capacity, more
tools in our toolkit. It expands the way we can
see things, which is much better than just thinking we're right.

Speaker 3 (23:04):
Yeah, And so that that right there is so deep
to me what you just said about that there is
a a it's a culturally conditioned underlying belief that because
you have a penis your viewpoint and your orientation to
life is more valid than mine. And that isn't undercurrent

(23:25):
to almost every interaction between heterosexual men and women. That
is so fucking profound right there, Like.

Speaker 2 (23:32):
That, let's put the crosshairs and blast that shit to smithereens,
let's destroy that, name it, and then once it's named,
you can't hide from it anymore.

Speaker 3 (23:40):
But like, so that's the thing though, because that operates
in very very subtle ways. So what do we do
as women, you know, when we're in interactions with men
and we can see that ship, we can see that like, oh, okay,
you just think that your view is better than my view?
What do we do in that moment? Because very often,
you know, if you already think that your view is
better than my view, and if I point that out

(24:01):
to you, you're gonna dismiss me.

Speaker 2 (24:02):
Yep I don't have a cure for a jerk. Okay,
I don't like if no, no, if there's an arrogant bastard,
I can't work with that person. They're a closed wall.
So I just want to acknowledge that that exists in
the world. And if you're taught, if the person you're
talking to is an arrogant jerk, I don't see any

(24:23):
hope for that. So I just I just call it
straight and say that there's no crack to let light in.
You know, if you know. But if we can teach
the skills of shifting to curiosity as our de facto
mode of being rather than I know everything. No, no, no,

(24:44):
let's shift into curiosity. That is the cure for chauvinism
right there. That is the cure for machismo. It's like, no,
I don't know it all. I don't know how to
make you come. I don't know how to please you
the best. Like, no, you're an evolving creature. You're different
today than you were yesterday. Like, let me shift into curiosity,
acknowledge that I'm not the best in the world and
not need that to be my ego identity, that I'm

(25:07):
the fucking man, right and shift into curiosity. How are
things now? What can I learn? How can I sharpen
my tools and add more amazing tools to my toolkit?
And the thing is if you practice that, then over
time you become masterful. You're not the jerk whomphinks he
knows the best way but actually only has a couple

(25:27):
of dull tools in his toolkit. No, you're the master
who has hundreds of sharp tools and is able to
choose which one he wants to wield in any moment.
That is relationship mastery. And that's what I'm trying to
get people to move towards. Is course correcting, to move
towards relationship mastery.

Speaker 3 (25:43):
Yeah, so I'm hearing as you're speaking. I'm hearing and
sensing like a de armoring and a softening. So there's
so much in the society that teaches men cis gender
men that they have to be the certain way. They
have to be strong and powerful, and they have to
know everything and they have to handle and you know,
in my work, I talk about something called the Walt
Disney syndrome, which is kind of the opposite of that
for sis gender women, which is like, oh, we just

(26:04):
have to lay there and he's going to kiss us,
and he's going to know exactly how to touch us. But
the guys know that story. The guys show up and
they're like, Okay, I'm supposed to know how to touch
her and kiss her, and I'm not supposed to ask
any questions. So it sets up this dynamic of failure
and dissatisfaction for everybody. So what I'm hearing from you
is accepting that as a man, that it's healthy masculinity

(26:27):
to accept that we don't know, you don't know, and
also to this attitude of curiosity as opposed to having
to have it all under control. A curiosity and exploration.
Is that accurate?

Speaker 2 (26:41):
Oh yeah, absolutely. Now I do want to make a
point that I'm not saying not to be strong and powerful. No,
I am absolutely encouraging men to foster curiosity and then
bring the power to bear with accurate information. Don't like

(27:05):
have my blinders on thinking you're some way that you're
actually not and then try to be powerful. Then be
strong and powerful from that point. No, no, no, actually
connect to the reality of where you are and be
strong and powerful in that presence. That's amazing. Like, Okay,
in my experience in heterosexual relationships with all the people
that I've talked with and worked with over the years.

(27:25):
Like when a woman feels this is another thing I
talk about, an understanding woman. When a woman feels like
he really understands the totality of her, the storms, the
sunny days, like the complete spectrum of her. When she
feels like he accepts her body in its entirety, in

(27:47):
the reality of it, and this includes her period if
she's premenopausal, before menopause and not having a period afterwards,
and the change in hormones that occurs. If she really
feels like he accepts all of her and loves her,
there's a deep relaxation. Yes, what we're talking about is
what you talked about earlier in the episode, is building trust.

(28:07):
If we focus all these tools are about building trust,
real trust, a landscape of safety, a playground that you're
safe to play in. And then we dearmour naturally because
the person knows who we are, loves us, gets us,
and we're not having to pretend that we're something other
than we are in order to get that person's love, attention,
or affection or whatever you know we need. We have

(28:30):
a relationship of two real people. Then, So strength in
reality is amazing strength when you're an actor playing a part,
that's kind of bullshit.

Speaker 3 (28:41):
Yeah, it's it's a difference between healthy strength, right, and
and and the and the uh, the goic. I can
think of the exact term, but there's a term in
human developmental trauma that's like it's basically an a go
at coping mechanism. I have a wound that I'm not
worthy enough, so therefore I have to project arrogance and
worthiness all over the as opposed to being in touch

(29:01):
with that wound and feel and healing the wound and
then emanating with true confidence and true worthiness as opposed
to this this armoring that we're describing. So, yeah, beautiful.
So I hear that it's not about It's not like
you're encouraging men to be weak. You're encouraging men to
be healthy, to have a healthy, rooted sense of self
and be strong in a way that is empathic and

(29:24):
connected at the same time.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Well, that's a great way to say it. I'm going
to quote you on that. That's awesome. I would never
say it that way. It's wonderful to have a fresh perspective,
you know, I would say that, you know, I am
empowering guys to actually connect to the reality of the
woman that he's in relationship with, not with who he
wants to be in relationship with, or who he thinks
he's in relationship, but actually getting into the day to

(29:48):
day reality of who he's with, her shifting tides, her
changing propensities. We don't want what we wanted five years ago,
or ten years ago or twenty years ago. We evolved
and we changed. We all do. Guys tend to think, oh,
we're just we're men, we're guys, We're always the same.
That's not true. We start out, we don't have much testosterone. Thirteen,
it hits Bam, It's a fucking rocket ship ride for

(30:09):
the next ten to fifteen years. Hang on for the
rocket ship ride. Good luck now that I'm in. When
I came to my thirties, I felt the testosterone dwindling
and I go, oh my god, Wow, I can kind
of feel like I'm kind of control of myself again.
And now that I've gone into my forties, I'm like,
oh my god, wow, I'm reaching mastery over this biochemical substance,

(30:29):
balancing it in my system, and it's going to dwindle
as I get into my sixties, seventies, eighties, Right, I'm
not going to be the same person. And that has
a biochemical hormonal component that we need to recognize that
it happens for anybody of any gender. We have hormones
and they change. We're not going to be the same anyway.
The skill at being able to connect to the reality
the present moment is a skill of improvisation. Yeah, it's

(30:52):
a skill of being a good dance partner. Now, if
you just like get you're engaged with somebody, then you
get married and you stop being engaged. Think about engagement
being like active, free flowing, bi directional flow of energy.
Think of engagement like that. Most people get married and
they stop being engaged. Yeah, exactly, And they want their
person to their partner to stay the same for the
rest of their life. Well they're not. They have to evolve,

(31:15):
They have to invert day. One day you might think
the opposite of something that you thought before. You might flip.
We have to have the ability to handle those changes,
otherwise we're destined for failure or hurt or dissatisfaction, apathy, depression,
take your pick.

Speaker 3 (31:30):
I love I love that concept of relationship being like
an improvisational dance. And so what's arising for me is
I'm hearing you describe this unconditional love quite frankly unconditional acceptance.
Not that there won't be, you know, whatever, turbulence, but
it's just like having extending this space of just love.
And I get this sense of like, you know, your

(31:52):
arms wide open and just allowing her to dance kind
of in the space, you know, in front of you
kind of thing. So I would imagine that providing this
container of safe space and trust and love and acceptance
is going to do many things for her sex life,
so and your sex life together. So what is that
the natural next step that you've seen is that when

(32:12):
men can provide this container of safety and trust and support,
that her vagina lights up, that she wants to have
more sex, that the sex life becomes more intimate and
more amazing, with more depth and more nuance.

Speaker 2 (32:24):
Oh my god, Yes, but I need to say I
do not teach guys to be a doormat, no fucking way,
absolutely not. Like, yes, I teach how to foster and
create a safe space for beautiful things to unfold in
our relationship and our intimacy in our rock edges and
our sex life, et cetera. But I absolutely teach if

(32:46):
there's something that's real for you, a limit, a boundary,
that a behavior of hers that is fucking unacceptable and
you're not going to stand for that shit like the
ability to communicate that but not be a jerk while
you're doing it. Yeah, right, And that gives her when
she has a firm fit. When a human being has
a firm wall to bounce off of, they know where

(33:07):
it stands, that it showed that that can create relaxation
because we know where you are, how many people, how
many women, Or a relationship with a guy and he's
just like always going along with everything. He's just wishy, washy,
limp rag. There's a sense of like baiting him and
trying to trigger a fight that happens a lot in couples,

(33:27):
and she's just trying to get some reaction out of him,
you know, until he finally blows up and there's a
big fight, and then she knows where he is, she
can feel him. So I'm teaching be a good dance partner.
Let her feel your weight, feel her weight, and then
find the delicious flow in the middle there. Then co
create your relationship there. But yeah, you create that safe
space and show let her know where you stand. Don't

(33:51):
be wishy washy, don't be a dorm at, but don't
be a jerk. Like it's that sweet spot in the
middle there. Then yeah, if she feels like you really
get her and she can trust you, you might be
the first person in her life that she's ever felt
like that. With that naturally creates an opening of the heart,

(34:11):
and our bodies follow. The desire to have a hug
when you see somebody that you love is a natural
is an example, a simple example of this. You see
somebody like, oh, you want touch them, You want to
hug them, you want to whatever it is. You know,
the same thing in the bedroom, like if somebody really
gets you and touches a deep cord in your heart.
A lot of times our sex comes online and we
want to share our body and feel them inside of

(34:34):
us or being inside of them, or whatever it is.
It becomes a natural expression of our feelings for each other.
Then oh my god, things that we thought maybe we
would never do suddenly become possible because we want to
share so deeply. Organically, it becomes innate desire that blossoms
in a terrain that maybe we've never had to be

(34:57):
able to grow anything in before.

Speaker 3 (35:00):
I've heard that's so beautifully described, and I've heard some
sex educators say that like a female sexual desire is receptive,
so meaning that it's not necessarily active, like we're going
to go chase it. Though there have certainly been times
in my life where but like you know, we're we're
generalizing here, but but but but that we were. It's responsive,

(35:21):
We're responding to the energy that's being presented. And I
can certainly say now in my life that's so very true.
Is that that that the key to having this active, alive,
like juicy, passionate sexual connection is how deeply connected I
feel to my partner. It isn't about positions, it's not
about the greatest new sex toil like all that can

(35:42):
be fun and games, but the actual desire for union
stems from how safely I am held in his heart.
And I see that. You know, in my work, I
work with couples you know, all around the world, and
you know tantra this, that and the other, and the
key thing that so many of us are all looking
for because it's something that hasn't been taught, is how
do we connect? Because it's that connection that is the

(36:02):
flash point for all of that epic sex and extraordinary
love and all of that, you know, all the shit
that they talk about in Cosmo. The key point for
that is the connection. With no connection, there's no fucking
orgasmic enlightenment. So I love, I love, I love that

(36:23):
this formula is really about establishing and building and enhancing
and deepening that connection before we even get into the
sex skills. But because we're here, let's talk about sex.
So tell me about modern sex education and the abysmal
shit we've been dealing with until then.

Speaker 2 (36:40):
Oh god, thank you. Okay. A lot of guys don't
know about their erogena zones. A lot of guys don't
know about their fucking plumbing a lot. You know, they
think they know it because they've watched porn and they've
touched their cock their entire lives since they were toddlers
or babies, you know, but they have they actually taking

(37:01):
a class on it. Like, can you actually be a
master at welding if you never took a class on welding?
Just to say it or pick your thing if you
want to learn French, like, how can you know anyway?
You got to study the shit, You have to actually
study it. It's more, it's more of this perspective that
I know everything I need to know. There's nothing I
don't already be. I'm not already a master of. If

(37:21):
we can shift out of that into curiosity, great, let's
learn about our plumbing. There's some amazing erogenous hotspots on
our cock and our balls and our body that we
might not know about. So learn your toolkit number one,
and then learn her toolkit. Like, it's not just this
little nub of the clit, and it ain't what you
see in porn. It's not the fucking pile driver. That's

(37:43):
not what stimulates the erectile tissue hot spots inside of
her plumbing. The best way, it's just not. There are
certain times in her like arousal. I'm gonna call it
a cycle in the evolution of her arousal, where a
really deep dicking, let's say it that way, a really
deep fucking feels amazing. Yeah yeah, but not always that
is a certain phase or time frame or part, let's

(38:06):
just say part of her arousal evolution. During any let's
say sex night or something like that. But there's other
times where it doesn't feel good. Her cervix might be low,
you might be banging into her cervix. And if any
guy has had a proctologist sick, his finger up is
asked to test the size and softness or hardness level
of your prostate. That guy's gonna know what it feels
like afterwards. And it doesn't feel good. And I tell guys, yeah,

(38:28):
it's probably like that. I don't know. I've never had
a cervix, but I can imagine because there's similar deep
internal structures that are both sensitive. Imagine getting your fucking
prostate rammed repeatedly by a rod. Oh, I just want
to like curl over and kind of protect myself from
guard anyway. So understanding what happens biologically and physiologically inside

(38:52):
of the female genitalia, let me just be medical for
a moment, Like empowers us to work with what's natural
and bylogical in ways that create more pleasure and less pain. Right,
they create more opening. Like if you go to a
massage therapist who studied massage therapy for five minutes, the
quality of the massage is going to suck. If you

(39:13):
go to a massage therapist who's gone to a two
thousand hour training program and has been practicing for ten
or fifteen years, the quality of touch is going to
be amazing because they listen to your tissue. They let
your tissue guide them rather than them driving. And there's
masculine like, I know what to do, I'm the expert
kind of way. No, so, guys, as we learn the

(39:35):
internal structure of the G spot that it's not actually
a spot, it's actually a tube. It's a sleeve around
a tube, kind of like a penis is a sleeve
around a tube. We got the urethral tube and the
cock is a penis is a sleeve around it. It's
the similar kind of thing. It's a maybe inch or
too long tube sleeve inside the vagina on the anterior side,

(39:56):
the front side, close to the belly button, and you
can massage the whole length of it with two fingers.
Oh my god, that's way better than just one finger
up there bouncing. Yeah, okay, And it leads back towards
the front side of the cervix and there's the spot
on the front side of the service called the A
spot or the af E. The anterior four nex or
rogena zone if you want to get medical again, and
that spot is known to often produce rapid, abundant lubrication

(40:19):
even if the woman's not physiologically aroused yet. So if
you're like perimenopausal or menopozzal and you're having troubles with lubrication,
it's good to know about that spot, right. And then
there's another one that's between the vagina and the anus
on the backside, but it's inside the vagina and you
access it from inside. And there's one on a deep,
deep past the service, which is the one that loves

(40:40):
getting pounded in doggy style when she's fully fully aroused
and her cervix pulls up to get out of the
way so the cock can really get all the way
in there. There's so much to learn. If you don't
know the road map, you're shooting in the dark.

Speaker 3 (40:54):
Exactly exactly, and you can't cultivate any type of mastery
if you don't know the machine machenery that you're working with.
And so what I'm hearing is this formula that you've developed.
These five pieces kind of work like they work from
the outside and then move more deeply into union move
more deeply into intimacy. And so by creating this container

(41:16):
and this attitude of curiosity and exploration, then when you
move into the sexuality, it isn't this huge pressure like
I have to know everything. You can actually explore and
stop and ask questions and check in, and it can
be this like dynamic, fluid dance and play as opposed
to this project where you have to make her come.

Speaker 2 (41:37):
A lot of guys, I identify that a lot of
guys get their ego identity defined by whether or not
they can make her come, which is why women take.

Speaker 3 (41:46):
It I'm the man because I'm gonna make her.

Speaker 2 (41:49):
Come, like I can make her come. Well, she might
be faking it, dude, you don't know the thing you
don't know. But she can't really fake her lubrication. She
can't really fake panting and telling, oh my fucking god.
She can't fake her heart rate being up through the
ceiling and here just like grinding the hell off on you.
She can't. She's not faking that stuff. Yeah anyway, So

(42:13):
it's part of this also is like learning these sexual skills.
Mastering these sexual skills after you've mastered the relationship skills
and the communication skills allows you to anchor all that
sexual pleasure back into the foundation of your relationship. And
you imagine you tuck point the foundation of your relationship.
You build these little spots that are leaking it, you

(42:35):
fill them in. You build this huge, strong foundation that
can handle tsunamis and hurricanes and earthquakes and stuff like
that until eventually it's unshakable. And then you're like, oh
my god. And imagine having a partner who's engaged with
your sexual evolution and long term you get to bring
out I don't know, I'm changing. This thing's interesting to
me now. That thing's interesting to me now. It's to

(42:57):
have an engaged partner who loves you and wants to
give you pleasure for your life. That is a huge blessing.
Sex can be so fulfilling. It can fill our creativity.
It can reset us when we're stressed out the world,
possible war, pandemic, whatever you might be wordb economy, collapsing

(43:18):
all this shit in the world, like all these stresses
at school, I mean, masks, like the vaccines and all
this stuff. It can really make us frantic, right, But
a single person who can touch your core and ground
you and as you said, orgasmic bliss has the power
to bring you back to your body and make everything okay,

(43:39):
and to have that in your home or like in
your life. Let me just say it that way. Oh
my god, that's kind of what everybody wants. They want
that touchstone in their lives. So there is a way
to get there. There is a way to learn the
skills necessary to be able to deserve that and be
able to keep it. Like it's one thing to win

(43:59):
the cast, like imagine medieval warfare. It's one thing to
win the battle, to win the castle, but it's another
thing to have the skills to keep that castle. Amen
long term, you might win her heart, you might fuck
her really good, but can you keep her interested and
open to you for twenty years, forty years? Can you

(44:21):
keep the castle? That's what I'm talking about here.

Speaker 3 (44:23):
Wow, I love it. Can you keep the castle? So
what have you seen? What are some of the results
that you've seen client stories in when men take this
on and do these five steps and practice them. What
are some of the things you've seen?

Speaker 2 (44:36):
Well, the most common thing sexually is moving from a
place of feeling out of control to a place of
feeling like God Wow, feeling God, feeling God fill him,
which is different, totally different to feeling like his capacity

(44:57):
to give sexual pleasure in it a tuned way is infinite. Wow, infinite. Well,
and they're not worried about coming anymore. If you come,
it's great. You keep going anyway, maybe not with your cock,
but maybe with your cock. I'll just say, like, I've
been practicing this stuff for my whole life, and now
I can have an orgasm and I don't have to

(45:17):
wait through a refractory period, which is usually like five
minutes to half an hour for a guy, whereas Penis
goes limp before he can have intercourse. Again, I just
keep going, like I give me a moment thirty seconds
to breathe, because oh my god, that was fucking amazing,
Like I want to just experience it for a moment.
Then let's keep going like the Then the feeling of
confidence that I experience because of my real world ability

(45:41):
to please my partner and not diminish or wilt or fade,
it is absolutely life impacting, like it impacks everything about
It's authentic confidence exactly. It's not just confidence because you
know I had a great one night stand or some
other thing like I've got a big dix, therefore I'm
confident or something like that. No, it's just confidence because

(46:02):
I really tap into this infinite power. So sexually, that's
the thing that the guys tell me about, and they're like,
oh my god, this is revolutionary. I never knew this exists.
They never see it. It's not important. It's not in movies.
You don't see it. If you don't see it, how
can you can see that it exists. But then from
like a relationship perspective, the guys they stop being dormats.

(46:27):
They stop being this kind of wishy, washy guy who's
trying not to be part of the problem, but also
can't stand up for what he really wants and feels
in the relationship. That also is very confidence building, very inspiring,
and a lot of times that causes the relationship to
causes them to break up because he realizes he's selling
himself short. So I don't teach guys that you got

(46:49):
to make the relationship you're in work. I don't know.
She might be a dysfunctional bitch, you know, but learn yourself,
have your own standard, be able to communicate them in
a loving way without being a jerk. And then try
to elicit out from her what's hers and then see
if there's common ground there to really form a juicy sexual,

(47:09):
long term relationship.

Speaker 3 (47:11):
Yeah, and that's a really important piece that you bring
up about the doormat thing. And also you know that
that's in you know, in the realm of psychological abuse
and domestic violence and that sort of thing. Is that
when we're when we're in relationships that tend to not
have boundaries, and then we decide to start sending boundaries
that very often that can mean the disintegration of the

(47:32):
relationship because the person that you're in relationship with doesn't
actually want a boundaried partner. They want they want someone
that that that you know what, that that will engage
with them in the previous way. So I love that
you brought that that point out. It's very salient and
just because you're using these methods, that doesn't always mean
it's going to be a happy ending with that relationship.

(47:52):
It may mean that that relationship needs to end so
that you can open yourself up to something that's going
to be more healthy and constructive. So this has been amazing,
Thank you so much, Chris. Through many twists and turns
and up and downs. It was a tough one. But
your work just sounds really really accessible and very practical

(48:13):
and very necessary for men in the society to have
some support in cultivating and developing healthy long term relationships
rooted in communication. So I love that. So tell us
more about your book and where people can get a
hold of it.

Speaker 2 (48:27):
Oh, thank you for asking. This is really just a
passion project for me. I'm not making any money on this.
My book is called Conscious Cock, and it literally means dick,
it means penis, but it also means rooster. And I
was searched for a long time to try to find
an archetype for masculinity in the world, and all I

(48:48):
could come up with is like Captain America and Superman.
But when I thought about an animal and animal metaphor,
like the rooster really came out to me. He's powerfully,
he's got beautifu plumage. You can hear his crow. His
voice is clear, chansfers from mild anyway. So like there's
this double entendre there. But I'm censored on a lot

(49:08):
of search results, Like if you search me on Amazon,
I won't come up, although my book is available on Amazon,
I don't come up in search results. So if you
go to consciouscock dot com my website, you can get
the book there audiobook or ebook. Audiobooks great because you
can listen to your headphones and privacy. And then there's
tons of free downloads, lots of worksheets on how to
make your sex life better with your partner, conversation starters,

(49:31):
or make your relationship better, et cetera in the free
download section. But yeah, just consciouscock dot com. That's the gateway.

Speaker 3 (49:38):
Yeah, and I can people find you by jugling Christopher
Lovestone as well if they want to work with you personally,
or do you offer coaching one on one workshops, groups,
that sort of thing.

Speaker 2 (49:47):
You know, COVID's really just redefined the landscape. So I'm
not doing coaching anymore. I'm just teaching and doing classes
and interviews like this. But I like to post lots
of free tips and stuff like that. So for a
mailing list if they want to et cetera.

Speaker 3 (50:04):
Okay, beautiful, so consciouscock dot com look it up. Make
sure you have your child blocker off your browser to
search for that. Thank you so much, Christopher, it's been
delightful to connect with you. And I wish you much
much success and for all you listeners out there that
resonate with his work and want this beautiful I love
that five. We work with fives as well, that five

(50:26):
step plan to support you in cultivating a rich, juicy,
passionate and healthy long term relationship. Please go to conscious
cock dot com and find out more about it. Make
sure that you stay tuned and stay connected to sex
Is Medicine in between shows at Authentic tntra on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
all those good places, and sign up for all our
free juicy stuff at Authentic tontra dot com. Also just
putting it out there that we do have a tentre

(50:48):
Healing for Black Men program coming up. It's launching November second,
so you can find out more about that at Tunterhealing
for Black Men. That is a tuntre healing program designed
by black people for black men. Specifically, we have Brian
Craig and Karen Craig as our lead instructors for that
amazing event. Again Tundra healinglas dot com. I'm a beautiful right,
We'll see you next week. Every one, Mike, you've been

(51:11):
listening to Sex's Medicine with Davey Ward ericson your number
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(51:33):
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(51:56):
We look forward to you joining us next week for
another episode of Sex s His Medicine with Davey Bourne.