September 12, 2018 • 41 mins
Are we cheating our oldest child out of their childhood? Are we making our oldest child (especially if they're a girl), a parent before their time? Are we forcing the oldest child to do things that we as mothers are actually supposed to do? Tune in to hear OEV's confession and take on an issues that's been hindering our communities for decades.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:05):
Welcome to the Do This for LifePodcast with O E V's revamp. I
told you all the revamp was comingand that was here. So y'all get
(00:26):
ready for this. Come get itoff your chips really gone downs, right,
Uh huh, Dan need to dothis for us. That's right.
They're just saying make dun stay willget it job ship say six come for
weekon guns right, Uh huh.We need to do this for life.
(00:47):
That's right there saying makeaty will getit on se Jazz Chip says sax month.
Yeah. Welcome to the Ships inSex Podcast with your bixes, Oh
e v O be truly faithful stillbe right here in your ear every Wednesday,
exposing the ills of our relationships andthe repression of our sex lives,
while always giving practical steps to getus from struggle liberation. So come get
(01:11):
it off your chest at Ships andSex. So let's chell into today's episode.
What's up? What's up? Everyone, and thank you for tuning in
to what I believe is episode tenof the Ships and Sex Podcasts with your
(01:32):
big sis OEV of be Chuly FaithfulAnd today, ladies, I'm just gonna
you know, come straight from thehard, shoot straight from the hip,
no editing, just raw. NormallyI edit a lot in these podcasts.
Actually, if y'all didn't know,they take anywhere from three plus hours to
edit just for twenty minutes or justfor thirty minutes. Okay, so I'm
(01:55):
not doing that today, and you'regoing to hear why soon. But you
may hear my mistakes today and allof that, so y'all just roll with
it. But I need to sharefrom my heart today. I don't have
any notes straight from the heart,so you may hear some background noise and
all of that if you all donot know. I have been married a
little over fourteen years and my husbandand I have five amazingly talented, the
(02:21):
skillful, beautiful children. I knowwe all have probably said about all our
children, right, but we reallydo. And they are stare steppers.
So that means we got two morebirthdays this year, so right now they're
currently well, I'll just go andtell you from back, like my oldest
is twelve, my second born isten, she just turned ten, got
(02:42):
her first phone. And then myfirst born son is eight, and then
my youngest daughter is five she willbe six very soon. And the baby
the baby boy is three. Hewill be four very soon. So I
have stair steppers, like real lifetrue stair steppers. So that means that
(03:04):
when my youngest was one, thenthe next was three, and then the
next was five, and the nextwas seven to nine, you know.
So it's been it's been interesting howthat turned out, though for my husband
and I, because we didn't expectto have children back to back to back
to back to back like that,but we did. And today I want
to talk about something dealing with oneof my children, and a little bit
(03:28):
with all of them, but especiallyone of them, that is so prevalent
in the black community. Actually,and I normally listen this is this can
be in any culture, by theway, any culture, any any home,
any household, or whatever. ButI noticed it to be very strong
in the black community. And sinceI am Black, I'm gonna come from
that perspective today. And I hopethat this touches some hearts for people today.
(03:53):
And it may be a little emotionalfor me to do this because it
was happening in my own home andand I don't think I realized it.
Now. I have written about someof this. What I'm going to share
about today. I've written about thiswhen I started realizing it, but I
think it was, like, whatdo you call that? It was amplified
(04:16):
once there was a huge life changein my marriage, okay, and our
family, So let's talk about thatfor those that don't know. And here
we are, after fourteen years ofmarriage and my husband and I now live
apart. And I think I tookthat in stride, you know, I
(04:38):
really think I took that in stride, like, okay, babe, this
is what we're going to do.You know. He and I discussed all
of this, and I can givey'all details another time, but basically,
it's too better our family, andhe took a much much higher paying position
to do what he was doing here, and he moved away, and y'all,
(05:00):
well, it hasn't been the easiest. In fact, it's been extremely
challenging. But in the beginning whenthe move was made, I felt like
I was taking in a stride,like, hey, we could do this.
You know, it's not going tobe the easiest, but we can
do this. We sat down withthe children and told them what was going
on. You know, we drovehim down there and everything worked out so
(05:20):
fast too. The move happened sofast because we were like, wait,
wow, this is good and scaryat the same time. And so it's
kind of like when you hear inthe Bible when your shoe says, I
go to prepare a place for you, And that's kind of like what my
husband did, like I'm going tomake things better for us. And even
though we do all this stuff online, many haven't seen my husband be online
(05:44):
like we were once before when wewere doing truly faithful faithfully at one time.
But things change because we have fivechildren and they start getting older,
and you know, you have todo what you have to do to make
sure they have a very good life. Well along the way, y'all.
I made a lot of mistakes withmy oldest child. Okay, my oldest
daughter who's twelve, and I madea lot of mistakes because I had high
(06:10):
expectations for her and she was slowlyor quickly becoming she. I mean she
had to grow up. When Isay fast, I don't want to say
it like you know when you hearpeople say so fat, grow up,
they grow up so fat. NowI want to say it in a way
of she had to be a bigsister at two years old, because that's
when her baby sister was born.And then when she was three, just
(06:34):
three years old, y'all, shehad a baby sister and a baby brother.
And when I look at her,when I look at her and what
she's become, she's an amazing younglady. Anybody that knows her no knows
how amazing she is. But she'shad to be a big sister for quite
a long time. You're talking abouta decade here for her. She's been
(06:55):
a big sister to several siblings.And that meant a lot of times that
she couldn't get the time for meor her dad that we had to give
to the others because they were youngerand didn't know. And so when you
have to grow up fast like thatas the oldest child, you actually end
up having so much sacrificed. Thatwas that is supposed to be by right,
(07:16):
by birthright, it's supposed to beyours. It's supposed to be yours,
That time is supposed to be yours. You're least supposed to, you
know, how can I say this? At least you're supposed to get enough
time with your parents before another siblingcome along, right, But that's not
how we did that. It's nothow that happened. In fact, my
second child, my second one,she has her own thing to y'all.
(07:38):
I could do a whole podcast,a whole episode on her alone. But
when my second child, our secondchild was born, we were like,
she was playing. We were like, this is going to be a playmate
for our oldest daughter. But thenthe other verse, not all the rest
of the verses were playing, y'all. So it used to just be the
four of us chilling whatever. Butthen that boy came along during the time
(08:00):
my husband and I were actually separatedin our marriage. I'm talking about separated,
like we ain't getting a loan asanimosity and all of that. But
so at three years old, shewas a big sister twice and I have
this picture. I'll see if Ican find it, but I had this
picture of her holding her baby brotherin the hospital with her one year old
sister sitting next to her, andher face was one of seriousness. It
(08:22):
was like, I have to stayand be strong, you know, I
have to I have to be herefor my siblings. And literally, ooh,
y'all, let me keep it together. But literally, that's what it's
been like for her like I haveto be strong for my siblings because she
has four. Okay, But whatI didn't realize along the way, and
(08:43):
with a lot of blacks, it'sprobably in the black community that we do
is we put a lot on ouroldest child. We put a lot on
them and expect them to do somuch because we had them, Like they
didn't ask to be here, butit's like you're here now, so you're
gonna have to do this, this, that, and the other. I
worked really hard in not doing thatwith my oldest but along the way I
(09:03):
did, I did, and Istarted talking about that. I want to
say that was either earlier this yeartwenty eighteen or some time in twenty seventeen.
I put up a post with meand her in and I shared how,
you know, the things that she'sdealt with as the oldest child.
Now, let's be real first,horror problems. We're in America, Ah,
(09:24):
can it be right? We're notin other cultures where you have no
choice but to do certain things.You know, we're in America. You
know of the privilege. So evenbeing black in America can be more privileged
than anywhere else in the world.Right, even though we go through a
whole lot as black as blacks,and we deal with a lot everywhere.
We deal with racism literally on everycontinent, y'all, just about anyway.
(09:45):
And so I don't want y'all tothink that it's been so bad that she
hasn't had no she I think mychildren have a very good life, especially
compared to my own growing up andwhatnot. But there was definitely some things
I missed along the way that shehad no choice but to do because her
parents said so, especially her mother, And along the way she developed this
(10:07):
this sign. I'm thinking, Iwas just coming with age, you know,
I need to check her on it. She's being disrespectful, and it
wasn't that this, you know,and I'm like, why is she doing
that? You know, why areyou doing that when I'm trying to tell
you I need you to do thisor to do that. And so one
day she said, I just wantto sit down, you know, I
just want to sit down. Ihave to keep getting up from my siblings,
especially her younger too, my youngesttwo, who a three and five
(10:30):
year old. Y'all know what it'slike to have a three and five year
old in your home who was justjust coming from being a two and a
four year old working together seemed likeagainst you, Like it's a lot.
I have to say of all mychildren, I was harder on my oldest
and I have been harder on myaudest when I taught my oldest how to
read, because I've taught my childrenhow to read since we homeschool. But
when I taught my oldest how toread, I was super hard on her,
(10:50):
like you're going to learn. We'renot going anywhere until you get this
pronunciation done. You're not no.She was four years old and she didn't
even get intil six. And itwasn't that she was slower or anything.
It was just being the first.You have so many high expectations of them
and you want them to get itright. Because what I was really doing
(11:11):
was, you know, I wantedher to learn. And then I was
facing all these pressures from people saying, don't homeschool or whatever, but I
wanted her to learn and I wanther to learn fast to prove a point.
She was like the one I hadto show people. I knew what
I was doing. You know whatI mean, because you're having all these
children, you know what you're doing. Over there, and you know,
y'all need to stop having kids,y'all, all that stuff that people say
to you when you have a lotof children, and five is considered to
(11:33):
be a lot. And so Iwas harder on her. But there's something
that a lot of us has doneas parents and had if you can relate
to this, you might can relateto this because you are and the oldest,
the oldest child in your out ofyour siblings, and your mom may
have done this. And I wasso hard on her, and I have
been so harder. I expect herto do a lot. So here we
(11:54):
are making this change. I'm notgetting to it, this life change.
This is a huge change in mylife. But I didn't realize how big
it was until everything hit the fan. And so here I am like expecting,
like, we're all going to stepup and you know, take up
the slack when I tell y'all,like, I knew all the things that
my husband did, but I didnot realize how much of an impact this
(12:18):
move would make on us. Here. It was so huge, y'all.
And so I'm like, we're goingto step up. And I was still
trying to do all this, doingpodcasts, doing my Tuesday talks, trying
to do my Thursday sex talks,work in my email list, engaging with
people online, going live, goin live with my best friend, and
I was working to still. Iwas doing all of that still, So
(12:39):
I haven't made any adjustments in mybusiness and the things that I do where
I work to empower and help womenand be the big syst to women.
I was still doing counseling sessions.This is me doing those quick OEV consults.
And then I was doing to helpmy life sessions, still trying to
do my laundry at home and allthe things, and y'all, I just
(13:01):
had a breakdown. But what Ididn't know. I stressed out so bad,
and you know, I had abreakdown. But what I didn't know
was my oldest was right behind me. One day, she came out of
the shower and all her stuff wasmessed up. At twelve years old,
you don't want your stuff messed with, right, All her stuff was messed
up. She had spent so muchtime setting up a place for her and
she came out and she sat onthe side of the bed, and I
(13:24):
walked in and my first thought was, oh, man, you know why,
why didn't I watch them? Whydidn't I get them, you know?
And she was basically saying things thata parent says when I leave.
It's like I can't I can't doanything because they're gonna come in here.
And I was just like, waita minute. And I watched her sit
on the side of the bed andshe broke down and she started crying.
(13:45):
I was like, what's wrong,what's what's I know that they shouldn't have
been in him. What's wrong?And she and she poured out her heart
to me and I just held herand there was just no way we could
just keep going like this. Sothis may be my last podcast in a
minute. I'm not saying forever,just until we're adjusted more, because I
don't think we've had time to reallyadjust to this move. And I see
(14:05):
there's a lot in the black communitywhere we put so much on our oldest
and they have no choice, theyhave no say, they have no voice,
They have to do it if theydon't, they don't have a choice.
And I sat there and looked ather, seeming to be stressed for
a twelve years, just wanting tobe twelve. She just turned twelve,
and this is a beautiful thing forher. A lot of things happen in
(14:28):
this year for our oldest, butshe had no choice. If she went
to the kitchen to get something,she had to get something for our siblings.
If the youngest two messed up,they can only clean up wealth long.
They can only do so much right. They're not like her and her
other siblings. So that means shewas gonna be the one to be cleaning
up. Now. The thing isshe'll do that with her other siblings.
She has an eight year old brotherand a ten year old sister, But
(14:50):
she's like, they don't do itlike she does it. And you know
why because it seems like I've perfectedin her of what I expect of her,
and so she does it so well. So like if she is the
one that's supposed to watch dishes,I know those dishes are going to be
clean by hand. But if Ihave to say that her ten year old
is going to watch the dish,there's not going to be the same as
eight year old and the ten yearold doing it when she does, except
(15:13):
when she when my oldest does something, it's gonna be really done right.
So here I am in this situation, like Wow, I knew, you
know. I started realizing this moreand more last year, but I think
it was amplified this year with thismove that here, I am working to
continue to do what I've always done. But there was a major move that
(15:35):
happened in all of our lives.You're talking about a two parent home where
she's loved greatly by her mother andfather. Where we're and my husband is
very actively. He's very active.He's very involved in the lives of our
children. He is the one thattook them to the park most of the
Time's not me. That's not somethingI did. I don't like, y'all.
I'd be hot in summer time.I'm just gonna be real. I
(15:56):
do not like being outside in theheat. I'd rather be outside and the
cold then be outside in the heat. But I'm from the South, so
I don't like either. But Iprefer coldness over hotness. And this is
this My husband left a huge void. Now we keep in touch with him,
We talk to them and tech theytext. You know, my oldes
two daughters have phones now that theytext, and we do video calls.
(16:19):
We do all of that, butit's not the same because you have a
house. We have a household torun. But here I was watching my
oldest break down, and she waslike, now I have to fix all
this. So I helped her tofix it. I also made the youngest
to help too, the ones Iknew did it, especially my very youngest.
With all that being said, Ihad to stop. That was that
(16:42):
was the moment. It shouldn't havetook that moment, but that was it.
That was the moment I said,I can't do this. I cannot
do this. So she asked mefor something on her phone, you know.
Once she calmed down, and Isaid, sure, you can have
a baby. And I've been workingon her a spot day to go with
her and some of her girlfriends,and then I'm also working on her like
(17:03):
she's big into her own space fromlittle siblings. I guess when you're the
oldest and you have younger sisters andbrothers, you want some time away from
them and not be responsible for responsible. I'm sorry, I'll responsible for them
so much because now y'all, whenwe go out together, ask anybody who
runs into the v force where we'reout, watch my oldest how she is.
(17:26):
She's like, come on, youknow, baby man, come on
over here. Let's no, don'tdo you know. And I had to
tell her other day and the start, I said, you're gonna have to
start relaxing now. I still wantyou to be, you know, on
guard. Okay, as the bigyou know, as the oldest sister,
as the old as the oldest sibling. But relax. I got this.
I'm here, Mommy, it's me. I got this. I want you
to relax. I got him andI got her, you know. You
(17:51):
know I'm talking about my three andfive year like you, just be in
the moment of being in a storetoo, all right, we look out
for one another. Yes, wesho'd always do that, but I don't
want you to feel like you haveto. It's automatic in her. It's
been embedded and put in her forso long, instilled in her for so
long that she is the oldest sibling. There's something that just comes in you
when you're the oldest sibling. I'mnot an oldest sibling or oldest child,
(18:15):
so I don't know, like basedoff experience, but I'm learning from her,
and I've taken the time to sitdown and talk to other ladies who
are who are the oldest child,who are the oldest child in their homes
and growing up, and I toldher to relax. I had to tell
her to relax all throughout the storevisit and then I saw her. When
I saw her relax, it waslike eye opening for me. It was
(18:37):
like, Okay, this is howit should have been. But I missed
it, y'all. I missed it. Here. I am talking about relationships
with women, and guess what youhave to remember you have ships with your
children too, and they're gonna getolder one day and they're either going to
resent you or love you. Andsome of them are gonna love you by
choice because it is automatic for them, and others are gonna be loved.
(18:57):
They're gonna love you because are forcedto because you're their parent, you're their
mother, and they're gonna have tolove you and protect you because it's what
they've been used to doing. Butreally they have issues with you. And
one of the things I never wantto do is not create an atmosphere,
not having an atmosphere for my childrento come to me about anything. And
my oldest I can't say thank theMost High for this and think myself even
(19:19):
for the work I put into that, and my husband at the atmosphere we
created, that we do tell ourchildren that we're sorry when we miss it,
and that we do reward them forthings that they do, things that
they don't even have to do.We have to remember that children grow up
and that we also build ships withthem too, each one of our children.
After fourteen years of building together inone place, in the same home,
(19:44):
that we're still building, but we'redoing it in two separate places.
And I think I didn't just right. I was still out here trying to
help all of y'all and seemingly,or at least, I felt filling my
children. And that's probably harsh andprobably even big. But I can't.
You couldn't keep doing these things thesame thing I was doing, the same
things that I were doing I wasdoing when my husband was here. I
(20:07):
can't do it. So I'm gonnahave to fall back on a lot of
this. And whether people understand ornot, you know, I know many
will, but I know some belike no, if you're needed, you
have a purpose. And yeah,and one of my main purposes in life
is to raise productive citizens of society, to raise functional children in function okay,
to raise established children, children whoare ready for this world, and
(20:32):
what they need is time and attention. So it's like you have. It's
like I'm getting ready to explain.Like I explained the other day, I
said that it's like you have.You're living a lifestyle based off two incomes,
and then if one income is lost, do you still continue to live
that life, to live that lifestyleor do you adjust to losing one of
those two incomes? You have toadjust, right. You can't keep living
(20:55):
like you live on one income likethe way you lived off too, because
if you do that, you wannaend up losing it anyway and stressing yourself
out trying to keep that lifestyle.Like, no, no, we don't
have to do that. We haveto adjust. So even with time,
look at it at incomes of time. There was time among other things that
has been lost here where it's allon me now. And my husband does
(21:17):
so much from afar, it's justnot the physical presence is missing. But
he does come down and things likethat. But most of the days,
our days now are without him.So with that being said, this is
what I learned. Number One,you cannot make children your slaves. I'm
not saying I did that, butoftentimes many of you who are grown felt
(21:37):
like that, You felt like youhad to do everything behind your younger siblings.
You felt like you didn't get thetime that you deserved from them,
because listen, we have five children, so our time has always been split.
But as the children, you know, as my older children got older,
there were more self sufficient. Soyou know, you had to give
a lot to your younger siblings,right to the youngest children. Well,
(22:00):
you can't do that and keep givingit to everybody in the world too.
So I would be locked up inhere all day on Wednesdays doing this podcast.
I would be working very hard onand taking up hours of my time
doing lives. On Tuesdays, I'mgoing back with here. I but y'all
get the point. I did mylives and I would be on those posts
and talking to ladies. Then Iwas doing my counseling sessions as well,
(22:22):
and I'm doing all of these thingswhile my oldest looks after her siblings.
Now, this is what I've beendoing for the last month since my husband
has moved. See before, whenhe was here, I had him for
that, and he and I earnedthis business together, so he understood.
He understood that, and I understoodwhen he needed time. I would take
(22:42):
the children places while he drew,you know, and do things for his
clients and whatnot, as well asif he needed to go live or work
with you know, collaborate with othermen, and so he would do the
same for me. We had anunderstanding. This was normal for us.
But when changes come, you haveto adjust. So our children are not
our slaves. I know some ofy'all and other cultures are like nah,
(23:03):
or you know, just here inAmerica who were raised by their parents are
like, no, you have todo If mom and said do it,
you got to do it. Irealized that some of y'all were raised that
way or many, but it's notfair to the children when you give them
a title as a second mom anddon't realize it, or second dad or
the dad, or the man ofthe house and don't realize it. I
didn't take my eight year old sonand make him the man of the house.
(23:26):
Now listen, don't get me wrong, he may call himself that,
but the title, the responsibilities thatmy husband had did not pass on to
my son. And I just I'mjust saying, y'all that I missed it.
I missed a big time and nowI'm rebuilding that with my oldest daughter,
and I'm working to spend more timewith her. When she comes into
(23:47):
my room, I put everything downand I'm focused on her because I have
an open door policy, and wetalk and we do things. And the
other day at the store, Imade all of them stay together, you
know, in eyesight, and thenI took her with me and I asked
her for her help in choosing outsome things we needed from home, and
she chose and she was just verythorough and she articulated what we needed and
(24:11):
why, and she just seemed moreupbeat and more you know, cheerful,
and just more relaxed. Y'all justdon't know, you know. And I'm
sorry. I'm so sorry, andI've apologize to her and I'll continue to
do it in my actions because I'mbig on, you know, not given
apologies that we don't mean. Sayingi'm sorry means nothing if there's no actions
with it. So that's what I'vebeen doing and that's what I can I
(24:34):
will continue to do. And I'mpraying and believing this is not this won't
be a long transition here like itis what it is, but this is
only supposed to be temporary, allright. I'm supposed to be timporary until
things are better and then boom,we're all back together. So with that
being said, I just want tosay that we got to continue to build
(24:56):
relationships, good healthy relationships with ourchildren. We got to continue, We
got to be in function with them. We got to sit down and talk
about these things and apologize to ourchildren. Now we've been big on that,
but we've missed it in other areas. I can't be out here building
up y'all. Homes and minds isgoing to hell. It's just not gonna
happen. It's just not gonna happen, y'all. I'm just being real.
So this wise lady told me astory recently, and it was the second
(25:18):
time she had told it to me, and she said, when she was
growing up, she was the oldestchild and at the time, the youngest
child in her clan, I thinkit was four of them, was a
toddler. She was a toddler herbaby sister. And you know there's potty,
right, the sister went to thepotty and had to go number two.
Well, the little sister stuck herhand in the potty and got the
(25:44):
feces that was in there and spreadit all over the wall. And so
her mother was just chilling, Ithink, on the phone or watching TV,
and she said, you know,she call up our name, said
you need to get that up,and she's like me, me, you
know. And at the time,I think she was around the age of
my daughter, my oldest daughter,And so she had to clean that mess
(26:06):
off the walls in the areas intheir bathroom. And she said, as
time went on, she resented hermother and those words stung me. Resent.
That's a very have you ever lookedup the word resent? That's a
very strong word to feel towards theone who birthed you. And I can
(26:26):
only imagine how many of us outhere has that has had those kinds of
feelings towards our mothers. And hermother passed on, and that was the
way that she felt about her mom, and she said she made it a
point, she said her children werenot gonna have to deal with things like
that. They have to do things, yes, But she even admitted to
hey, you know, I washarder on my oldest and maybe we all
(26:49):
are hardest on our oldest. Idon't know maybe, but I know in
the end, whether we're hardest onthem or not, what we cannot do
is make them take the place ofanother adult. That's not why they're here.
They need to grow up and flourishand be watered just like their baby
siblings. They need to have timewith you and time with us, just
(27:11):
like their younger siblings. So ifthat means I gotta adjust and stop doing
this for a minute, then Iwill adjust and stop doing this for a
minute. It will be here.If that means I gotta shut down counsel
and doing appointments for a minute rightnow, I will do that. It
will be here. All this willbe here because the more I sit here
and do these things and give mytime to everyone else, I'm lacking.
(27:33):
That time is being taken from mychildren. It's been taken from them.
And they didn't ask for that.They didn't ask to be here. They
didn't actually get put in positions wherethey have to do your work or my
work. They didn't ask for that. They are here to grow up,
to flourish, to be watered,to be poured into And contrary to popular
(27:53):
belief, our children need me timetoo, and they also should be rewarded.
I was talking to my best friendthrough text the other day, and
she said, that's where many parentsmiss it, you know. And I'm
paraphrasing because I'm not looking at thetext, but she said, that's where
we miss it, where a lotof black parents miss it. We do
not seek to reward our children.Our children get put responsibilities on them,
(28:15):
especially the oldest child, and they'renever rewarded for it. They're never rewarded
for cleaning up the entire house orwatching their siblings while you go out and
run errands, or they they're neverwarded. And that was just confirmation for
me of what I had already plannedfor my oldest daughter. So, y'all,
I'm going to do something that Iprobably haven't done in this podcast,
(28:36):
and I'm going to say a prayerat the end here just to say that,
you know, for one, Ihad to repent, y'all. I
had to do a turner one hundredand eighty degree turn and say no,
you know, turn around and sayno, I'm not this is not going
to continue. And I may nothave been the worst of the worst,
but still that wasn't good. Ifmy daughter sit on the side of the
bed breaking down about something that wasseems so simple to most that means stuff
(29:02):
have been poling on y'all. Wehave got to stop doing this. So
how do we stop doing this?Number One, we gotta stop looking at
our children as slaves and are twolooking at them as if they owe us.
We're the ones who made them andbrought them into this world. We
owe them. Three we also gotto stop looking at our oldest child as
the one who has all the responsibilities. And if the younger children do something
(29:27):
and get it and they do somethingbad, the oldest should not be the
one to pay for it all thetime like, well they did this,
well you gotta clean it up.No, we're the parents, we had
these children. We're gonna clean itup, and we're gonna get our younger
children and we're gonna get down thereand we're gonna clean up whatever it is.
It's not the oldest fault that theydid that. And you know,
well, she should have been watching. How do you know that she wasn't
(29:48):
watching them? What if they didit? Anyway? I sat back one
day, y'all, I'm telling youwhen I listen, when I come into
my own and I really and I'mshown things, and it's amplified to me,
see clear. When I don't haveall this stuff on me, I
can see clear. And I sawone day my three year old just did
something deliberately after his big sister toldhim not to do it, and she
(30:11):
told him several times, don't youbetter not, and she tried to even
remove him from the situation, Andas he was being removed from the situation,
he did it anyway. He threwit down and spilled everywhere anyway.
And I got up and was like, I gotta get this up. Come
on, you're gonna get You're gonnahelp me. Who did I say you're
gonna help me to him, theone who did it? Cause I know
(30:32):
three year olds don't clean up thebest, but we're gonna do something.
And she went to chill. Ithappened while they were on the way down
the hall, and she was like, don't, don't and I'm back,
you know, I'm chilling and whatever. And I actually should have gotten up
to think of, you know,to be up more. Honest, I
should have got up as soon asI heard hers say say something to him.
But I also know they're gonna betogether, you know, and they're
gonna see things where I'm not rightthere, But basically, I'm just saying,
(30:56):
y'all, we can't see them asslaves, and we can't be putting
all these respectabilities on them like theiradults, and we can't make them pay
for what their siblings do. It'snot right, it's not fair. We
also have to continue. If wehave or if we've started that, we
got to continue. But if not, we have to create an open atmosphere
for them to be able to sharetheir feelings. And you cannot penalize children
(31:17):
for their feelings. It's not fair, nor is it right. That's something
we do not do. Now.That's something I have to say that my
husband and I do not do becausewe knew what it was like to be
penalized for feelings. So when shesaid, you know, I'm getting tired
of yeah, my autist actually saidonce, she said, I'm tired of
having to do so much for them. It shouldn't even came to that,
y'all, but it did. Itdid, and I'm just letting y'all know
(31:41):
that I missed it too. Butthe one thing I love about ships,
y'all, y'all want another thing Ilove about band in ships, not just
with other women, or my husband. But with my children is I get
a chance. We're all alive,we all have breadth. I get a
chance to make it right. Iget a chance to reward her. I
get a chance to reward them allwhen they do good. I get a
chance to turn her a turner,a change. I don't have to keep
(32:02):
going in the way that I'm going. I get a chance to listen and
hear, not just with my ears, but my heart and my spirit and
say, you know what, babygirl, You're right, I should have
done this. Let me do this. So guess what. By the time
she is an adult, she cansay, you know what, I had
some hard times there as a child, considering you know where we live,
(32:25):
where we're from. But I lovethe way my mom and dad made things
right when they mess stuff. Ilove the way the atmosphere that I could
come to them about anything, becauseif I lose or now, I would
never get her back. Do youknow how hard it is to get a
preteen back? They enter into teenyears and not be it a lot of
times? Have you missed it somany times in so many years, it's
hard to get them back. Ihear too many parents talk about how things
(32:49):
change when they hit thirteen. I'mlistening to y'all. I'm listening, I'm
taking notes, I'm applying things.This is why, too, we need
one another, Ladies, to bethere for when another, feed each other
up, to be there for oneanother and listen to the wisdom we all
have. Because there are some grownwomen out there today that have mommy issues
and my children, I am determinedto make sure my children are not any
(33:12):
of them. That they are notadults broken because of what their parents lacked
or missed, and their parents nevertry to correct it. And if they
go to their parents today and tryto tell them about what happened, they
don't want to hear them. Iknow what that's like to try to go
to your parents and tell them aboutsomething they did and they don't want to
hear from you. They just dismissyou and you feel worse. No,
(33:37):
it can't be here. And I'mnot saying I'm trying to raise children differently
than I was raised. I'm sayingI want to be better. I want
to be a better mother. Iwant to have better relationships with my children,
still have better relationship with my husbandand those in my circle. All
of that is important. All thatis important. So on behalf of mothers
(34:00):
everywhere Black moms on behalf of thosewho are. And I'm not an oldest
but I'm not an oldest child.But I'm going to speak on behalf of
my oldest child, for those oldestchilds of the world, those oldest children
of the world. I want tosay that I'm sorry, like I've said
to her, I'm sorry that Imissed it as a mother, but I'm
(34:20):
working hard to get better. I'msorry I missed it. I'm here to
repair any breach in any ship thatI have. I'm here to repair that
anything that I missed with my children, I'm here to make right. I'm
here to make right and I'm learning. But I don't want to keep practicing
with my oldest child, because that'swhat we miss it with the most,
(34:43):
right, our oldest We miss itwith them more than we miss it with
any of our children, right becausewe're learning. We didn't know we were
pair us for the first time.But she is not an adult and she
will not be made to be anadult before she is an adult. So
this podcast, this episode is dedicatedto my oldest child, Precious, and
(35:05):
I'm gonna let her Listen, y'all, I love you, and I want
you to know that Mommy is sorrythat it took me a minute to get
it. I know you, missdaddy, and I know that I'm so
busy working building a nation, andI forgot. I forgot that that nation
(35:30):
needs my time and attention. AndI realized now. I realize now,
my first born, I love you, and I'm gonna do better. I'm
gonna do better. So that's allI got for y'all today. And I
(35:55):
do encourage some older children out therewho are grown to reach out to the
parents if they can. You knowyour situation better than I do. Some
of y'all understand you cannot reach outand you're looking for closure. For those
who can write a letter, saysomething, text something like you know,
I want to talk to you.I want to share some things with their
(36:15):
parents. You know. It mayor may not make a difference to them,
but it may make one to you. Normally, end this with where
you can hit me up and youcan go to oeb dot life and you
can set an appointment, but Iwill not be doing any appointments right now.
You can set one for the future. I saw some women that said
appointment is way in November. I'mlike, WHOA, that takes a load
off me for now as we continueto enter into this adjustment, and if
(36:37):
I need to reschedule those when Novemberhits, I will, But right now,
I think y'all for tuning in.I'll pray that you share, and
I'm going to take a real break, a for real fallback, all right,
And I hope this episode blessed youin some type of way. And
I'm not just trying to pick onus as Black women and black others.
(37:00):
I know Mike sing like, oh, we're always talking about us. No,
I'm a black woman, I loveus, I love women, I
love black women. I am one. I'm a woman, and I'm black.
So I'm just saying this seems tobe and we know what we have
to be for real prevalent in ourcommunities. And I know of many Latinos
that will say this is prevalent inour community as well. So I'm not
(37:20):
trying to just single out the blackIt's just means black community just means that
I'm speaking from that perspective and I'veseen it way too many times, and
i know some single mothers out thereare those who are raised by single mothers
can agree of what they had todeal with when daddy wasn't around, or
you know whatever. So I askedfor your prayers, and like I said,
I'm going to do something I haven'tdone on my podcast before. I'm
(37:40):
going to say this prayer and I'mdone. Father, I just thank you
so much for the opportunity to sharewith the world the truth my struggles too,
the struggles that I have and thesolutions I have for my own struggles,
and I thank you for opportunity todo that. I pray to do
that, and I pray that someonelistens today that may have been doing the
(38:01):
same thing I was doing, orless and more will create a window of
opportunity and an atmosphere that their childrencan come to them and speak to them
about it, especially if they beenbeing a little bit too hard on their
oldest child or putting too much responsibilityon their oldest child. And I pray
also, I want to say thisfor the oldest childs of the world who
(38:22):
are grown now, who never gottenapologies from their parents, are from their
mom. I just hope that Ican say this on the behalf of those
mothers that should have apologized and shouldhave rewarded them, and should have loved
them more and gave them more time, but didn't. I just apologize on
their behalf. And I pray thatthe actions I take in my own family,
(38:44):
and that if they're following me onsocial media and when I share those
posts about my children and whatnot,that they see that I am working very
hard to make sure I don't createI don't create any more ships with children
that are strained or in this function. Then instead I work very hard to
create them to be functional, andthat those around the world who are watching
(39:04):
me or who were watching who've beenwatching our family can see that I mean
every word, and that those olderchildren will heal. I know you're now
adults, I know they're now adults, but that they will healed. They
will heal from these past ships withtheir parents that wasn't the best, where
they had all these responsibilities put onthem and were made to do them,
and they had to do them,and they were forced to do them because
(39:25):
they were the oldest child or theywere the child of their parents. So
I pray that you healed their hurtinghearts today, and I pray that you
convict the hearts of those who neededto hear this message today to deal with
relationships with their own children, thatmaybe they would sit down and talk to
their children and ask them how theyfeel and actually take into consideration what their
child is saying. And yeah,she was name. Amen. I'm done,
(39:49):
y'all share, And I may notbe right here in your ear next
Wednesday, but I will return assoon as I can when my house is
continue to be in order and mychildren are safe in their spirit and their
feelings and everything mental, all ofthat. When I know that that's good,
and then when my husband is ismore around, then maybe I hit
(40:13):
one out there for y'all, allright, slam one out there for you,
all right. So for those listenersfor the first time, I am
a certified life and sex coach,exposing the ills of our ships and the
repression of our sex lives while givingpragmatism to get from repression to liberation.
And I have to say today Ihad to expose the ill of my own
ship and give solutions, pragmatic solutionsto get from being repressive. I think
(40:37):
that's a bit repressive, oppressive forolder children to deal good. And so
I had to also, if Irepressed you, I got to liberate you.
Simple as that. If I repressedyou, I got to liberate you.
So if I repressed her, Ihave to liberate her, and I
will say thank the Most High.I've been working on that to make sure
(40:57):
she is liberated. So I loveall my children, but this is dedicated
to my oldest precious Antonia. Allright, everyone, I will be back
in time. Much love,
Welcome to the Do This for LifePodcast with O E V's revamp. I
told you all the revamp was comingand that was here. So y'all get
(00:26):
ready for this. Come get itoff your chips really gone downs, right,
Uh huh, Dan need to dothis for us. That's right.
They're just saying make dun stay willget it job ship say six come for
weekon guns right, Uh huh.We need to do this for life.
(00:47):
That's right there saying makeaty will getit on se Jazz Chip says sax month.
Yeah. Welcome to the Ships inSex Podcast with your bixes, Oh
e v O be truly faithful stillbe right here in your ear every Wednesday,
exposing the ills of our relationships andthe repression of our sex lives,
while always giving practical steps to getus from struggle liberation. So come get
(01:11):
it off your chest at Ships andSex. So let's chell into today's episode.
What's up? What's up? Everyone, and thank you for tuning in
to what I believe is episode tenof the Ships and Sex Podcasts with your
(01:32):
big sis OEV of be Chuly FaithfulAnd today, ladies, I'm just gonna
you know, come straight from thehard, shoot straight from the hip,
no editing, just raw. NormallyI edit a lot in these podcasts.
Actually, if y'all didn't know,they take anywhere from three plus hours to
edit just for twenty minutes or justfor thirty minutes. Okay, so I'm
(01:55):
not doing that today, and you'regoing to hear why soon. But you
may hear my mistakes today and allof that, so y'all just roll with
it. But I need to sharefrom my heart today. I don't have
any notes straight from the heart,so you may hear some background noise and
all of that if you all donot know. I have been married a
little over fourteen years and my husbandand I have five amazingly talented, the
(02:21):
skillful, beautiful children. I knowwe all have probably said about all our
children, right, but we reallydo. And they are stare steppers.
So that means we got two morebirthdays this year, so right now they're
currently well, I'll just go andtell you from back, like my oldest
is twelve, my second born isten, she just turned ten, got
(02:42):
her first phone. And then myfirst born son is eight, and then
my youngest daughter is five she willbe six very soon. And the baby
the baby boy is three. Hewill be four very soon. So I
have stair steppers, like real lifetrue stair steppers. So that means that
(03:04):
when my youngest was one, thenthe next was three, and then the
next was five, and the nextwas seven to nine, you know.
So it's been it's been interesting howthat turned out, though for my husband
and I, because we didn't expectto have children back to back to back
to back to back like that,but we did. And today I want
to talk about something dealing with oneof my children, and a little bit
(03:28):
with all of them, but especiallyone of them, that is so prevalent
in the black community. Actually,and I normally listen this is this can
be in any culture, by theway, any culture, any any home,
any household, or whatever. ButI noticed it to be very strong
in the black community. And sinceI am Black, I'm gonna come from
that perspective today. And I hopethat this touches some hearts for people today.
(03:53):
And it may be a little emotionalfor me to do this because it
was happening in my own home andand I don't think I realized it.
Now. I have written about someof this. What I'm going to share
about today. I've written about thiswhen I started realizing it, but I
think it was, like, whatdo you call that? It was amplified
(04:16):
once there was a huge life changein my marriage, okay, and our
family, So let's talk about thatfor those that don't know. And here
we are, after fourteen years ofmarriage and my husband and I now live
apart. And I think I tookthat in stride, you know, I
(04:38):
really think I took that in stride, like, okay, babe, this
is what we're going to do.You know. He and I discussed all
of this, and I can givey'all details another time, but basically,
it's too better our family, andhe took a much much higher paying position
to do what he was doing here, and he moved away, and y'all,
(05:00):
well, it hasn't been the easiest. In fact, it's been extremely
challenging. But in the beginning whenthe move was made, I felt like
I was taking in a stride,like, hey, we could do this.
You know, it's not going tobe the easiest, but we can
do this. We sat down withthe children and told them what was going
on. You know, we drovehim down there and everything worked out so
(05:20):
fast too. The move happened sofast because we were like, wait,
wow, this is good and scaryat the same time. And so it's
kind of like when you hear inthe Bible when your shoe says, I
go to prepare a place for you, And that's kind of like what my
husband did, like I'm going tomake things better for us. And even
though we do all this stuff online, many haven't seen my husband be online
(05:44):
like we were once before when wewere doing truly faithful faithfully at one time.
But things change because we have fivechildren and they start getting older,
and you know, you have todo what you have to do to make
sure they have a very good life. Well along the way, y'all.
I made a lot of mistakes withmy oldest child. Okay, my oldest
daughter who's twelve, and I madea lot of mistakes because I had high
(06:10):
expectations for her and she was slowlyor quickly becoming she. I mean she
had to grow up. When Isay fast, I don't want to say
it like you know when you hearpeople say so fat, grow up,
they grow up so fat. NowI want to say it in a way
of she had to be a bigsister at two years old, because that's
when her baby sister was born.And then when she was three, just
(06:34):
three years old, y'all, shehad a baby sister and a baby brother.
And when I look at her,when I look at her and what
she's become, she's an amazing younglady. Anybody that knows her no knows
how amazing she is. But she'shad to be a big sister for quite
a long time. You're talking abouta decade here for her. She's been
(06:55):
a big sister to several siblings.And that meant a lot of times that
she couldn't get the time for meor her dad that we had to give
to the others because they were youngerand didn't know. And so when you
have to grow up fast like thatas the oldest child, you actually end
up having so much sacrificed. Thatwas that is supposed to be by right,
(07:16):
by birthright, it's supposed to beyours. It's supposed to be yours,
That time is supposed to be yours. You're least supposed to, you
know, how can I say this? At least you're supposed to get enough
time with your parents before another siblingcome along, right, But that's not
how we did that. It's nothow that happened. In fact, my
second child, my second one,she has her own thing to y'all.
(07:38):
I could do a whole podcast,a whole episode on her alone. But
when my second child, our secondchild was born, we were like,
she was playing. We were like, this is going to be a playmate
for our oldest daughter. But thenthe other verse, not all the rest
of the verses were playing, y'all. So it used to just be the
four of us chilling whatever. Butthen that boy came along during the time
(08:00):
my husband and I were actually separatedin our marriage. I'm talking about separated,
like we ain't getting a loan asanimosity and all of that. But
so at three years old, shewas a big sister twice and I have
this picture. I'll see if Ican find it, but I had this
picture of her holding her baby brotherin the hospital with her one year old
sister sitting next to her, andher face was one of seriousness. It
(08:22):
was like, I have to stayand be strong, you know, I
have to I have to be herefor my siblings. And literally, ooh,
y'all, let me keep it together. But literally, that's what it's
been like for her like I haveto be strong for my siblings because she
has four. Okay, But whatI didn't realize along the way, and
(08:43):
with a lot of blacks, it'sprobably in the black community that we do
is we put a lot on ouroldest child. We put a lot on
them and expect them to do somuch because we had them, Like they
didn't ask to be here, butit's like you're here now, so you're
gonna have to do this, this, that, and the other. I
worked really hard in not doing thatwith my oldest but along the way I
(09:03):
did, I did, and Istarted talking about that. I want to
say that was either earlier this yeartwenty eighteen or some time in twenty seventeen.
I put up a post with meand her in and I shared how,
you know, the things that she'sdealt with as the oldest child.
Now, let's be real first,horror problems. We're in America, Ah,
(09:24):
can it be right? We're notin other cultures where you have no
choice but to do certain things.You know, we're in America. You
know of the privilege. So evenbeing black in America can be more privileged
than anywhere else in the world.Right, even though we go through a
whole lot as black as blacks,and we deal with a lot everywhere.
We deal with racism literally on everycontinent, y'all, just about anyway.
(09:45):
And so I don't want y'all tothink that it's been so bad that she
hasn't had no she I think mychildren have a very good life, especially
compared to my own growing up andwhatnot. But there was definitely some things
I missed along the way that shehad no choice but to do because her
parents said so, especially her mother, And along the way she developed this
(10:07):
this sign. I'm thinking, Iwas just coming with age, you know,
I need to check her on it. She's being disrespectful, and it
wasn't that this, you know,and I'm like, why is she doing
that? You know, why areyou doing that when I'm trying to tell
you I need you to do thisor to do that. And so one
day she said, I just wantto sit down, you know, I
just want to sit down. Ihave to keep getting up from my siblings,
especially her younger too, my youngesttwo, who a three and five
(10:30):
year old. Y'all know what it'slike to have a three and five year
old in your home who was justjust coming from being a two and a
four year old working together seemed likeagainst you, Like it's a lot.
I have to say of all mychildren, I was harder on my oldest
and I have been harder on myaudest when I taught my oldest how to
read, because I've taught my childrenhow to read since we homeschool. But
when I taught my oldest how toread, I was super hard on her,
(10:50):
like you're going to learn. We'renot going anywhere until you get this
pronunciation done. You're not no.She was four years old and she didn't
even get intil six. And itwasn't that she was slower or anything.
It was just being the first.You have so many high expectations of them
and you want them to get itright. Because what I was really doing
(11:11):
was, you know, I wantedher to learn. And then I was
facing all these pressures from people saying, don't homeschool or whatever, but I
wanted her to learn and I wanther to learn fast to prove a point.
She was like the one I hadto show people. I knew what
I was doing. You know whatI mean, because you're having all these
children, you know what you're doing. Over there, and you know,
y'all need to stop having kids,y'all, all that stuff that people say
to you when you have a lotof children, and five is considered to
(11:33):
be a lot. And so Iwas harder on her. But there's something
that a lot of us has doneas parents and had if you can relate
to this, you might can relateto this because you are and the oldest,
the oldest child in your out ofyour siblings, and your mom may
have done this. And I wasso hard on her, and I have
been so harder. I expect herto do a lot. So here we
(11:54):
are making this change. I'm notgetting to it, this life change.
This is a huge change in mylife. But I didn't realize how big
it was until everything hit the fan. And so here I am like expecting,
like, we're all going to stepup and you know, take up
the slack when I tell y'all,like, I knew all the things that
my husband did, but I didnot realize how much of an impact this
(12:18):
move would make on us. Here. It was so huge, y'all.
And so I'm like, we're goingto step up. And I was still
trying to do all this, doingpodcasts, doing my Tuesday talks, trying
to do my Thursday sex talks,work in my email list, engaging with
people online, going live, goin live with my best friend, and
I was working to still. Iwas doing all of that still, So
(12:39):
I haven't made any adjustments in mybusiness and the things that I do where
I work to empower and help womenand be the big syst to women.
I was still doing counseling sessions.This is me doing those quick OEV consults.
And then I was doing to helpmy life sessions, still trying to
do my laundry at home and allthe things, and y'all, I just
(13:01):
had a breakdown. But what Ididn't know. I stressed out so bad,
and you know, I had abreakdown. But what I didn't know
was my oldest was right behind me. One day, she came out of
the shower and all her stuff wasmessed up. At twelve years old,
you don't want your stuff messed with, right, All her stuff was messed
up. She had spent so muchtime setting up a place for her and
she came out and she sat onthe side of the bed, and I
(13:24):
walked in and my first thought was, oh, man, you know why,
why didn't I watch them? Whydidn't I get them, you know?
And she was basically saying things thata parent says when I leave.
It's like I can't I can't doanything because they're gonna come in here.
And I was just like, waita minute. And I watched her sit
on the side of the bed andshe broke down and she started crying.
(13:45):
I was like, what's wrong,what's what's I know that they shouldn't have
been in him. What's wrong?And she and she poured out her heart
to me and I just held herand there was just no way we could
just keep going like this. Sothis may be my last podcast in a
minute. I'm not saying forever,just until we're adjusted more, because I
don't think we've had time to reallyadjust to this move. And I see
(14:05):
there's a lot in the black communitywhere we put so much on our oldest
and they have no choice, theyhave no say, they have no voice,
They have to do it if theydon't, they don't have a choice.
And I sat there and looked ather, seeming to be stressed for
a twelve years, just wanting tobe twelve. She just turned twelve,
and this is a beautiful thing forher. A lot of things happen in
(14:28):
this year for our oldest, butshe had no choice. If she went
to the kitchen to get something,she had to get something for our siblings.
If the youngest two messed up,they can only clean up wealth long.
They can only do so much right. They're not like her and her
other siblings. So that means shewas gonna be the one to be cleaning
up. Now. The thing isshe'll do that with her other siblings.
She has an eight year old brotherand a ten year old sister, But
(14:50):
she's like, they don't do itlike she does it. And you know
why because it seems like I've perfectedin her of what I expect of her,
and so she does it so well. So like if she is the
one that's supposed to watch dishes,I know those dishes are going to be
clean by hand. But if Ihave to say that her ten year old
is going to watch the dish,there's not going to be the same as
eight year old and the ten yearold doing it when she does, except
(15:13):
when she when my oldest does something, it's gonna be really done right.
So here I am in this situation, like Wow, I knew, you
know. I started realizing this moreand more last year, but I think
it was amplified this year with thismove that here, I am working to
continue to do what I've always done. But there was a major move that
(15:35):
happened in all of our lives.You're talking about a two parent home where
she's loved greatly by her mother andfather. Where we're and my husband is
very actively. He's very active.He's very involved in the lives of our
children. He is the one thattook them to the park most of the
Time's not me. That's not somethingI did. I don't like, y'all.
I'd be hot in summer time.I'm just gonna be real. I
(15:56):
do not like being outside in theheat. I'd rather be outside and the
cold then be outside in the heat. But I'm from the South, so
I don't like either. But Iprefer coldness over hotness. And this is
this My husband left a huge void. Now we keep in touch with him,
We talk to them and tech theytext. You know, my oldes
two daughters have phones now that theytext, and we do video calls.
(16:19):
We do all of that, butit's not the same because you have a
house. We have a household torun. But here I was watching my
oldest break down, and she waslike, now I have to fix all
this. So I helped her tofix it. I also made the youngest
to help too, the ones Iknew did it, especially my very youngest.
With all that being said, Ihad to stop. That was that
(16:42):
was the moment. It shouldn't havetook that moment, but that was it.
That was the moment I said,I can't do this. I cannot
do this. So she asked mefor something on her phone, you know.
Once she calmed down, and Isaid, sure, you can have
a baby. And I've been workingon her a spot day to go with
her and some of her girlfriends,and then I'm also working on her like
(17:03):
she's big into her own space fromlittle siblings. I guess when you're the
oldest and you have younger sisters andbrothers, you want some time away from
them and not be responsible for responsible. I'm sorry, I'll responsible for them
so much because now y'all, whenwe go out together, ask anybody who
runs into the v force where we'reout, watch my oldest how she is.
(17:26):
She's like, come on, youknow, baby man, come on
over here. Let's no, don'tdo you know. And I had to
tell her other day and the start, I said, you're gonna have to
start relaxing now. I still wantyou to be, you know, on
guard. Okay, as the bigyou know, as the oldest sister,
as the old as the oldest sibling. But relax. I got this.
I'm here, Mommy, it's me. I got this. I want you
to relax. I got him andI got her, you know. You
(17:51):
know I'm talking about my three andfive year like you, just be in
the moment of being in a storetoo, all right, we look out
for one another. Yes, wesho'd always do that, but I don't
want you to feel like you haveto. It's automatic in her. It's
been embedded and put in her forso long, instilled in her for so
long that she is the oldest sibling. There's something that just comes in you
when you're the oldest sibling. I'mnot an oldest sibling or oldest child,
(18:15):
so I don't know, like basedoff experience, but I'm learning from her,
and I've taken the time to sitdown and talk to other ladies who
are who are the oldest child,who are the oldest child in their homes
and growing up, and I toldher to relax. I had to tell
her to relax all throughout the storevisit and then I saw her. When
I saw her relax, it waslike eye opening for me. It was
(18:37):
like, Okay, this is howit should have been. But I missed
it, y'all. I missed it. Here. I am talking about relationships
with women, and guess what youhave to remember you have ships with your
children too, and they're gonna getolder one day and they're either going to
resent you or love you. Andsome of them are gonna love you by
choice because it is automatic for them, and others are gonna be loved.
(18:57):
They're gonna love you because are forcedto because you're their parent, you're their
mother, and they're gonna have tolove you and protect you because it's what
they've been used to doing. Butreally they have issues with you. And
one of the things I never wantto do is not create an atmosphere,
not having an atmosphere for my childrento come to me about anything. And
my oldest I can't say thank theMost High for this and think myself even
(19:19):
for the work I put into that, and my husband at the atmosphere we
created, that we do tell ourchildren that we're sorry when we miss it,
and that we do reward them forthings that they do, things that
they don't even have to do.We have to remember that children grow up
and that we also build ships withthem too, each one of our children.
After fourteen years of building together inone place, in the same home,
(19:44):
that we're still building, but we'redoing it in two separate places.
And I think I didn't just right. I was still out here trying to
help all of y'all and seemingly,or at least, I felt filling my
children. And that's probably harsh andprobably even big. But I can't.
You couldn't keep doing these things thesame thing I was doing, the same
things that I were doing I wasdoing when my husband was here. I
(20:07):
can't do it. So I'm gonnahave to fall back on a lot of
this. And whether people understand ornot, you know, I know many
will, but I know some belike no, if you're needed, you
have a purpose. And yeah,and one of my main purposes in life
is to raise productive citizens of society, to raise functional children in function okay,
to raise established children, children whoare ready for this world, and
(20:32):
what they need is time and attention. So it's like you have. It's
like I'm getting ready to explain.Like I explained the other day, I
said that it's like you have.You're living a lifestyle based off two incomes,
and then if one income is lost, do you still continue to live
that life, to live that lifestyleor do you adjust to losing one of
those two incomes? You have toadjust, right. You can't keep living
(20:55):
like you live on one income likethe way you lived off too, because
if you do that, you wannaend up losing it anyway and stressing yourself
out trying to keep that lifestyle.Like, no, no, we don't
have to do that. We haveto adjust. So even with time,
look at it at incomes of time. There was time among other things that
has been lost here where it's allon me now. And my husband does
(21:17):
so much from afar, it's justnot the physical presence is missing. But
he does come down and things likethat. But most of the days,
our days now are without him.So with that being said, this is
what I learned. Number One,you cannot make children your slaves. I'm
not saying I did that, butoftentimes many of you who are grown felt
(21:37):
like that, You felt like youhad to do everything behind your younger siblings.
You felt like you didn't get thetime that you deserved from them,
because listen, we have five children, so our time has always been split.
But as the children, you know, as my older children got older,
there were more self sufficient. Soyou know, you had to give
a lot to your younger siblings,right to the youngest children. Well,
(22:00):
you can't do that and keep givingit to everybody in the world too.
So I would be locked up inhere all day on Wednesdays doing this podcast.
I would be working very hard onand taking up hours of my time
doing lives. On Tuesdays, I'mgoing back with here. I but y'all
get the point. I did mylives and I would be on those posts
and talking to ladies. Then Iwas doing my counseling sessions as well,
(22:22):
and I'm doing all of these thingswhile my oldest looks after her siblings.
Now, this is what I've beendoing for the last month since my husband
has moved. See before, whenhe was here, I had him for
that, and he and I earnedthis business together, so he understood.
He understood that, and I understoodwhen he needed time. I would take
(22:42):
the children places while he drew,you know, and do things for his
clients and whatnot, as well asif he needed to go live or work
with you know, collaborate with othermen, and so he would do the
same for me. We had anunderstanding. This was normal for us.
But when changes come, you haveto adjust. So our children are not
our slaves. I know some ofy'all and other cultures are like nah,
(23:03):
or you know, just here inAmerica who were raised by their parents are
like, no, you have todo If mom and said do it,
you got to do it. Irealized that some of y'all were raised that
way or many, but it's notfair to the children when you give them
a title as a second mom anddon't realize it, or second dad or
the dad, or the man ofthe house and don't realize it. I
didn't take my eight year old sonand make him the man of the house.
(23:26):
Now listen, don't get me wrong, he may call himself that,
but the title, the responsibilities thatmy husband had did not pass on to
my son. And I just I'mjust saying, y'all that I missed it.
I missed a big time and nowI'm rebuilding that with my oldest daughter,
and I'm working to spend more timewith her. When she comes into
(23:47):
my room, I put everything downand I'm focused on her because I have
an open door policy, and wetalk and we do things. And the
other day at the store, Imade all of them stay together, you
know, in eyesight, and thenI took her with me and I asked
her for her help in choosing outsome things we needed from home, and
she chose and she was just verythorough and she articulated what we needed and
(24:11):
why, and she just seemed moreupbeat and more you know, cheerful,
and just more relaxed. Y'all justdon't know, you know. And I'm
sorry. I'm so sorry, andI've apologize to her and I'll continue to
do it in my actions because I'mbig on, you know, not given
apologies that we don't mean. Sayingi'm sorry means nothing if there's no actions
with it. So that's what I'vebeen doing and that's what I can I
(24:34):
will continue to do. And I'mpraying and believing this is not this won't
be a long transition here like itis what it is, but this is
only supposed to be temporary, allright. I'm supposed to be timporary until
things are better and then boom,we're all back together. So with that
being said, I just want tosay that we got to continue to build
(24:56):
relationships, good healthy relationships with ourchildren. We got to continue, We
got to be in function with them. We got to sit down and talk
about these things and apologize to ourchildren. Now we've been big on that,
but we've missed it in other areas. I can't be out here building
up y'all. Homes and minds isgoing to hell. It's just not gonna
happen. It's just not gonna happen, y'all. I'm just being real.
So this wise lady told me astory recently, and it was the second
(25:18):
time she had told it to me, and she said, when she was
growing up, she was the oldestchild and at the time, the youngest
child in her clan, I thinkit was four of them, was a
toddler. She was a toddler herbaby sister. And you know there's potty,
right, the sister went to thepotty and had to go number two.
Well, the little sister stuck herhand in the potty and got the
(25:44):
feces that was in there and spreadit all over the wall. And so
her mother was just chilling, Ithink, on the phone or watching TV,
and she said, you know,she call up our name, said
you need to get that up,and she's like me, me, you
know. And at the time,I think she was around the age of
my daughter, my oldest daughter,And so she had to clean that mess
(26:06):
off the walls in the areas intheir bathroom. And she said, as
time went on, she resented hermother and those words stung me. Resent.
That's a very have you ever lookedup the word resent? That's a
very strong word to feel towards theone who birthed you. And I can
(26:26):
only imagine how many of us outhere has that has had those kinds of
feelings towards our mothers. And hermother passed on, and that was the
way that she felt about her mom, and she said she made it a
point, she said her children werenot gonna have to deal with things like
that. They have to do things, yes, But she even admitted to
hey, you know, I washarder on my oldest and maybe we all
(26:49):
are hardest on our oldest. Idon't know maybe, but I know in
the end, whether we're hardest onthem or not, what we cannot do
is make them take the place ofanother adult. That's not why they're here.
They need to grow up and flourishand be watered just like their baby
siblings. They need to have timewith you and time with us, just
(27:11):
like their younger siblings. So ifthat means I gotta adjust and stop doing
this for a minute, then Iwill adjust and stop doing this for a
minute. It will be here.If that means I gotta shut down counsel
and doing appointments for a minute rightnow, I will do that. It
will be here. All this willbe here because the more I sit here
and do these things and give mytime to everyone else, I'm lacking.
(27:33):
That time is being taken from mychildren. It's been taken from them.
And they didn't ask for that.They didn't ask to be here. They
didn't actually get put in positions wherethey have to do your work or my
work. They didn't ask for that. They are here to grow up,
to flourish, to be watered,to be poured into And contrary to popular
(27:53):
belief, our children need me timetoo, and they also should be rewarded.
I was talking to my best friendthrough text the other day, and
she said, that's where many parentsmiss it, you know. And I'm
paraphrasing because I'm not looking at thetext, but she said, that's where
we miss it, where a lotof black parents miss it. We do
not seek to reward our children.Our children get put responsibilities on them,
(28:15):
especially the oldest child, and they'renever rewarded for it. They're never rewarded
for cleaning up the entire house orwatching their siblings while you go out and
run errands, or they they're neverwarded. And that was just confirmation for
me of what I had already plannedfor my oldest daughter. So, y'all,
I'm going to do something that Iprobably haven't done in this podcast,
(28:36):
and I'm going to say a prayerat the end here just to say that,
you know, for one, Ihad to repent, y'all. I
had to do a turner one hundredand eighty degree turn and say no,
you know, turn around and sayno, I'm not this is not going
to continue. And I may nothave been the worst of the worst,
but still that wasn't good. Ifmy daughter sit on the side of the
bed breaking down about something that wasseems so simple to most that means stuff
(29:02):
have been poling on y'all. Wehave got to stop doing this. So
how do we stop doing this?Number One, we gotta stop looking at
our children as slaves and are twolooking at them as if they owe us.
We're the ones who made them andbrought them into this world. We
owe them. Three we also gotto stop looking at our oldest child as
the one who has all the responsibilities. And if the younger children do something
(29:27):
and get it and they do somethingbad, the oldest should not be the
one to pay for it all thetime like, well they did this,
well you gotta clean it up.No, we're the parents, we had
these children. We're gonna clean itup, and we're gonna get our younger
children and we're gonna get down thereand we're gonna clean up whatever it is.
It's not the oldest fault that theydid that. And you know,
well, she should have been watching. How do you know that she wasn't
(29:48):
watching them? What if they didit? Anyway? I sat back one
day, y'all, I'm telling youwhen I listen, when I come into
my own and I really and I'mshown things, and it's amplified to me,
see clear. When I don't haveall this stuff on me, I
can see clear. And I sawone day my three year old just did
something deliberately after his big sister toldhim not to do it, and she
(30:11):
told him several times, don't youbetter not, and she tried to even
remove him from the situation, Andas he was being removed from the situation,
he did it anyway. He threwit down and spilled everywhere anyway.
And I got up and was like, I gotta get this up. Come
on, you're gonna get You're gonnahelp me. Who did I say you're
gonna help me to him, theone who did it? Cause I know
(30:32):
three year olds don't clean up thebest, but we're gonna do something.
And she went to chill. Ithappened while they were on the way down
the hall, and she was like, don't, don't and I'm back,
you know, I'm chilling and whatever. And I actually should have gotten up
to think of, you know,to be up more. Honest, I
should have got up as soon asI heard hers say say something to him.
But I also know they're gonna betogether, you know, and they're
gonna see things where I'm not rightthere, But basically, I'm just saying,
(30:56):
y'all, we can't see them asslaves, and we can't be putting
all these respectabilities on them like theiradults, and we can't make them pay
for what their siblings do. It'snot right, it's not fair. We
also have to continue. If wehave or if we've started that, we
got to continue. But if not, we have to create an open atmosphere
for them to be able to sharetheir feelings. And you cannot penalize children
(31:17):
for their feelings. It's not fair, nor is it right. That's something
we do not do. Now.That's something I have to say that my
husband and I do not do becausewe knew what it was like to be
penalized for feelings. So when shesaid, you know, I'm getting tired
of yeah, my autist actually saidonce, she said, I'm tired of
having to do so much for them. It shouldn't even came to that,
y'all, but it did. Itdid, and I'm just letting y'all know
(31:41):
that I missed it too. Butthe one thing I love about ships,
y'all, y'all want another thing Ilove about band in ships, not just
with other women, or my husband. But with my children is I get
a chance. We're all alive,we all have breadth. I get a
chance to make it right. Iget a chance to reward her. I
get a chance to reward them allwhen they do good. I get a
chance to turn her a turner,a change. I don't have to keep
(32:02):
going in the way that I'm going. I get a chance to listen and
hear, not just with my ears, but my heart and my spirit and
say, you know what, babygirl, You're right, I should have
done this. Let me do this. So guess what. By the time
she is an adult, she cansay, you know what, I had
some hard times there as a child, considering you know where we live,
(32:25):
where we're from. But I lovethe way my mom and dad made things
right when they mess stuff. Ilove the way the atmosphere that I could
come to them about anything, becauseif I lose or now, I would
never get her back. Do youknow how hard it is to get a
preteen back? They enter into teenyears and not be it a lot of
times? Have you missed it somany times in so many years, it's
hard to get them back. Ihear too many parents talk about how things
(32:49):
change when they hit thirteen. I'mlistening to y'all. I'm listening, I'm
taking notes, I'm applying things.This is why, too, we need
one another, Ladies, to bethere for when another, feed each other
up, to be there for oneanother and listen to the wisdom we all
have. Because there are some grownwomen out there today that have mommy issues
and my children, I am determinedto make sure my children are not any
(33:12):
of them. That they are notadults broken because of what their parents lacked
or missed, and their parents nevertry to correct it. And if they
go to their parents today and tryto tell them about what happened, they
don't want to hear them. Iknow what that's like to try to go
to your parents and tell them aboutsomething they did and they don't want to
hear from you. They just dismissyou and you feel worse. No,
(33:37):
it can't be here. And I'mnot saying I'm trying to raise children differently
than I was raised. I'm sayingI want to be better. I want
to be a better mother. Iwant to have better relationships with my children,
still have better relationship with my husbandand those in my circle. All
of that is important. All thatis important. So on behalf of mothers
(34:00):
everywhere Black moms on behalf of thosewho are. And I'm not an oldest
but I'm not an oldest child.But I'm going to speak on behalf of
my oldest child, for those oldestchilds of the world, those oldest children
of the world. I want tosay that I'm sorry, like I've said
to her, I'm sorry that Imissed it as a mother, but I'm
(34:20):
working hard to get better. I'msorry I missed it. I'm here to
repair any breach in any ship thatI have. I'm here to repair that
anything that I missed with my children, I'm here to make right. I'm
here to make right and I'm learning. But I don't want to keep practicing
with my oldest child, because that'swhat we miss it with the most,
(34:43):
right, our oldest We miss itwith them more than we miss it with
any of our children, right becausewe're learning. We didn't know we were
pair us for the first time.But she is not an adult and she
will not be made to be anadult before she is an adult. So
this podcast, this episode is dedicatedto my oldest child, Precious, and
(35:05):
I'm gonna let her Listen, y'all, I love you, and I want
you to know that Mommy is sorrythat it took me a minute to get
it. I know you, missdaddy, and I know that I'm so
busy working building a nation, andI forgot. I forgot that that nation
(35:30):
needs my time and attention. AndI realized now. I realize now,
my first born, I love you, and I'm gonna do better. I'm
gonna do better. So that's allI got for y'all today. And I
(35:55):
do encourage some older children out therewho are grown to reach out to the
parents if they can. You knowyour situation better than I do. Some
of y'all understand you cannot reach outand you're looking for closure. For those
who can write a letter, saysomething, text something like you know,
I want to talk to you.I want to share some things with their
(36:15):
parents. You know. It mayor may not make a difference to them,
but it may make one to you. Normally, end this with where
you can hit me up and youcan go to oeb dot life and you
can set an appointment, but Iwill not be doing any appointments right now.
You can set one for the future. I saw some women that said
appointment is way in November. I'mlike, WHOA, that takes a load
off me for now as we continueto enter into this adjustment, and if
(36:37):
I need to reschedule those when Novemberhits, I will, But right now,
I think y'all for tuning in.I'll pray that you share, and
I'm going to take a real break, a for real fallback, all right,
And I hope this episode blessed youin some type of way. And
I'm not just trying to pick onus as Black women and black others.
(37:00):
I know Mike sing like, oh, we're always talking about us. No,
I'm a black woman, I loveus, I love women, I
love black women. I am one. I'm a woman, and I'm black.
So I'm just saying this seems tobe and we know what we have
to be for real prevalent in ourcommunities. And I know of many Latinos
that will say this is prevalent inour community as well. So I'm not
(37:20):
trying to just single out the blackIt's just means black community just means that
I'm speaking from that perspective and I'veseen it way too many times, and
i know some single mothers out thereare those who are raised by single mothers
can agree of what they had todeal with when daddy wasn't around, or
you know whatever. So I askedfor your prayers, and like I said,
I'm going to do something I haven'tdone on my podcast before. I'm
(37:40):
going to say this prayer and I'mdone. Father, I just thank you
so much for the opportunity to sharewith the world the truth my struggles too,
the struggles that I have and thesolutions I have for my own struggles,
and I thank you for opportunity todo that. I pray to do
that, and I pray that someonelistens today that may have been doing the
(38:01):
same thing I was doing, orless and more will create a window of
opportunity and an atmosphere that their childrencan come to them and speak to them
about it, especially if they beenbeing a little bit too hard on their
oldest child or putting too much responsibilityon their oldest child. And I pray
also, I want to say thisfor the oldest childs of the world who
(38:22):
are grown now, who never gottenapologies from their parents, are from their
mom. I just hope that Ican say this on the behalf of those
mothers that should have apologized and shouldhave rewarded them, and should have loved
them more and gave them more time, but didn't. I just apologize on
their behalf. And I pray thatthe actions I take in my own family,
(38:44):
and that if they're following me onsocial media and when I share those
posts about my children and whatnot,that they see that I am working very
hard to make sure I don't createI don't create any more ships with children
that are strained or in this function. Then instead I work very hard to
create them to be functional, andthat those around the world who are watching
(39:04):
me or who were watching who've beenwatching our family can see that I mean
every word, and that those olderchildren will heal. I know you're now
adults, I know they're now adults, but that they will healed. They
will heal from these past ships withtheir parents that wasn't the best, where
they had all these responsibilities put onthem and were made to do them,
and they had to do them,and they were forced to do them because
(39:25):
they were the oldest child or theywere the child of their parents. So
I pray that you healed their hurtinghearts today, and I pray that you
convict the hearts of those who neededto hear this message today to deal with
relationships with their own children, thatmaybe they would sit down and talk to
their children and ask them how theyfeel and actually take into consideration what their
child is saying. And yeah,she was name. Amen. I'm done,
(39:49):
y'all share, And I may notbe right here in your ear next
Wednesday, but I will return assoon as I can when my house is
continue to be in order and mychildren are safe in their spirit and their
feelings and everything mental, all ofthat. When I know that that's good,
and then when my husband is ismore around, then maybe I hit
(40:13):
one out there for y'all, allright, slam one out there for you,
all right. So for those listenersfor the first time, I am
a certified life and sex coach,exposing the ills of our ships and the
repression of our sex lives while givingpragmatism to get from repression to liberation.
And I have to say today Ihad to expose the ill of my own
ship and give solutions, pragmatic solutionsto get from being repressive. I think
(40:37):
that's a bit repressive, oppressive forolder children to deal good. And so
I had to also, if Irepressed you, I got to liberate you.
Simple as that. If I repressedyou, I got to liberate you.
So if I repressed her, Ihave to liberate her, and I
will say thank the Most High.I've been working on that to make sure
(40:57):
she is liberated. So I loveall my children, but this is dedicated
to my oldest precious Antonia. Allright, everyone, I will be back
in time. Much love,
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!