August 14, 2025 • 14 mins
Marital Arguments Are Unavoidable, But They Impact Our Kids Emotionally. Learn Conflict Resolution and Rebuilding Tools
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Starcares, a weekly program that delves into the
issues that impact you and your family. This program is
a public affairs feature of this radio station. Now here's
your host, Michael Leach.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Marital arguments and conflicts are unavoidable, but how do they
impact our children? Let's talk about it. My guest today
is licensed marriage and family therapist Glenn Legends. Glenn, thanks
for joining me today and welcome to the show.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Michael. It's my privilege to be with you. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
So conflict, we know is inevitable any relationship and people
are going to disagree. What are the differences between arguments
and conflict.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
Well, I think you used an important word there. When
we're talking about conflict, it's not agreeing. There's a presence
of tension, but that can be true within oneself. I mean,
there are many times that we feel kind of divided
between two different ideas, two different thoughts. With argument, there's
an intent to try to win, to beat another person
either in an argument sometimes unfortunately physically, people will move
(00:59):
in that direction. There's a winner and there's a loser.
There's one that's one up, there's one that's put down.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
And so we're talking about arguments primarily within marriages today,
How do arguments affect your emotional connection with your spouse.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
There's really a sense of kind of internal alert that
goes on when we feel safe emotionally and physically, there's
a relaxing that takes place physiologically, emotionally, and I would
say even spiritually, So that relaxation is conducive then for
trying to address issues, address concerns, even from the physiological
(01:34):
standpoint the brain, when we're in that calm state of mind,
we're in the prefrontal cortex of our brain in large measure,
when quarreling, when argumentation in a sense is taking place,
there's a heightened sense of agitation, and so physiologically we're
out of that prefrontal cortex. We're more into that limbic
(01:55):
system fight flight or freeze, which is God given. I mean,
God gave it to us to be able to determine,
you know, emergency situations that we need to attend to.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
But it was never.
Speaker 4 (02:06):
Really intended to be a constant source of tension in
the home environment. The relationship, other than our relationship with
the Lord is supposed to be the one that brings
about the greatest level of contentment and peace.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Do you believe that parents should deal with conflict behind
closed doors so that it never really becomes an issue
with their children.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
There are a few areas where that may be really important,
you know, obviously the area of sexuality, their sexual desires,
that one I think really needs to be behind closed doors.
Sometimes financial concerns, because that can create a sense of
anxiety within children. But what I find in talking with
people quite often is they'll say, you know, my parents
they never argue.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
That was great. They weren't yelling at each other.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
That's wonderful, And so how did you learn how to
deal with conflict? Well, they're not quite so sure. They
just kind of presume that parents didn't have conflict. So
maybe now because I am experienced conflict, we're not agreeing
on everything.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Maybe I'm married the wrong person.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
So there's some faulty conclusions that we can come to.
If arguments or conflict is addressed behind closed doors, if
people are not able to address them in a calm manner,
then I would say, yeah, it's probably wiser in that
situation to address them behind closed doors. But the ideal
scenario is for parents to realize that, okay, we need
(03:20):
to deal well with how we disagree and do so
in a respectful and a loving way so that we
can provide that message, that incredible learning experience to our kids.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
So when we don't do that well, what are some
of the impacts that these kind of conflicts, these disagreements
may have upon our children.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
Different ages it can impact differently. There was a law
firm in Texas that put together and from their interaction
with people in the counseling realm, just some different ages
how things can affect kids. The real Younger children zero three,
kind of a crankiness, maybe a disrupted sleep patterns, not
meeting those developmental milestones. Age four to six, I see
(04:00):
the beginnings of some self blame.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
You see some tantrums. You see some cleanness, maybe even some.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
Regression in regards to learning and toilet training. Seven to twelve,
there's kind of an increase in some of the guilt
and shame, maybe a lack of concentration. I do think
that there are times this is not true across the board,
But I do think that there are times where children
are diagnosed with ADHD when that's not what's really going on.
(04:26):
The symptoms are the same, child's not able to concentrate.
But let's say a child's coming out of a home
and going to school where mom and dad each night
are yelling at each other and the child has a
hard time keeping focused in on arithmetic, Well, there's kind
of a good reason why they're not able to stay focused.
And then the teen years kind of that areas of anger, rebellion,
(04:46):
experimenting with substance abuse, sexuality, just some different things. So
at every age there's really that sense of I don't
want to feel the internal tension that has begun in
my home. I want it to be different, and if
I can't change mom and dad and how they're dealing
with it, I'm going to try to find some way
to lessen that internal alarm in my mind, in my heart.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
And as those people become adults, is it generally true
that they mimic some of those behaviors that they actually
were trying to escape from.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
Many times they do.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
Many times when they're younger, they'll say to themselves, never
going to be like mom and dad and how they
deal with conflict. But a good number of times they
do that, or they can go the opposite direction. So
a child who grows up in a very conflictual mom
and dad yelling at each other. Person's like, I'm not
going there, So they go the opposite direction.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
They never want to deal with conflict.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
They bury things, and when we bury those conflicts and tensions,
it becomes problematic. So we have to deal with those hurts,
those wounds that we've pushed down and don't want to
touch with a ten foot pall. If we don't deal
with them, they'll rise up at the most inopportune times
in our lives, many times when we're married.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
So let's talk about some strategies for really dealing with
our own conflicts, our own argument within the marriage that
can impact our children, the atmosphere of our home, and
the future of our marriages. Where do we begin, because
sometimes when you're in an argument, you're not even thinking
about those little kids, and that's your children, then there's
also grandchildren.
Speaker 4 (06:13):
Well, I think the first thing is if my body
is feeling that innertention. A lot of times we feel
it in our shoulders, you know, our fore ahead, our jaw,
our gut. Our body tells us something that needs to
be attended to, and then we need to take the
time to attend to it, not just okay, fly off
the handle, calling a spouse a name, or other things
which maybe we've learned that have developed as habits. But
(06:37):
what's going on inside? What am I feeling? When have
I felt this way before? And we're not just talking
about you know, did I feel this way last week
or two years ago with my spouse? When did I
first start experiencing this emotion? And it may be way back.
It may be in our childhood when our life experiences
were not comfortable or emotionally safe. I refer to them
(06:57):
as double exposures.
Speaker 3 (06:59):
So we have this wound, and we just kind of
pushed it away.
Speaker 4 (07:02):
We don't like pain, nobody wants to touch the stove,
so we push it down and then it rises back
up later on, five years down the road, twenty years
down the road, forty years down the road, it rises
back up, and I don't even know what it is,
but it's that old wound I've never dealt with. And
now this new situation, and it may not look a
whole lot like it, it may look very different, but
it's engendering that same emotion because I'm back in that
(07:24):
fight flight or freeze reaction that I was when I
was seven years old. They're twelve years old, whatever age
frame that was, and so I need to deal with that.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
So I'm taking less baggage with me.
Speaker 4 (07:34):
I'm not having that emotional flashback, that double exposure anymore.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
If I'm dealing with something, it's.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
Really going to be more in the here and now
that I need to address and resolve within my heart
and my spirit with the Lord's help.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Are there any boundaries that you would recommend that couple
set for fighting fairly when they do have to engage first.
Speaker 4 (07:53):
When a person does take that time and pause and
address it, then they can approach their spouse and say,
I want to share something with you.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
What's a good time.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
So now the spouse needs to be prepared. Some spouses
want to know what is it about? Is it a
particular area that I think can vary. Some people are like, hey,
if you want to share something with me, I'm going
to be prepared to receive from you.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
If what you share with me is a.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
Frustration that you have with me, or something you're delighted about,
maybe that I've said or done, you know, one person
might be open to anything. Another person might want to
know what it is the challenge if we know what
it is is. We may go into that defensive mode
I don't think I did anything wrong, and why is he.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Or she so upset? But to agree together on a
time and then also to look at it from the
vantage point I love.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
There's a verse in Philippians two four that says, look
not only to your own interests, but also to the
interest of others, which really says, yeah, my interests matter.
I don't want to be emotional target practice for my spouse,
but I also want to be able to hear and
validate what he or she is feeling, and then when
my spouse shares with me, hopefully in a respectful way,
(08:59):
what their concern is, which basically is I felt blank, frustrated, disappointed,
discouraged when blank, So, for example, I felt hurt, I
felt rejected when I came in the room this morning
and said hello, and you didn't look up from what
you were reading. That would be pretty straightforward. I'm starting
with the emotion because that's really what I want to
share with you, but I'm also connecting it now. If
(09:19):
previously maybe I've prefaced my comment with I'm sharing with
you what I'm feeling. I'm not saying you're responsible for
my emotion. I'm feeling it. It's mine.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
I need to deal with it.
Speaker 4 (09:29):
But I care too much about our relationship to just
bury this. And it may be that some of what
has been said or done does relate to my spouse's behavior,
but I'm being honest and open, but I'm taking ownership
of what's mine. And so when a spouse listens to that,
maybe they need some further understanding, but hopefully they're able
to just receive it as here's what my spouse is feeling,
(09:50):
and I just need to be a mirror. I just
need to reflect back. Boy, it really sounds like you
were hurt when I just kind of kept my nose
buried in the newspaper, or even when I kept my
nose back in the Bible. So that the person is
able to just give voice to it and then thank
their spouse for.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
What was shared.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
Now, maybe there's a different perspective that they have. I
usually encourage people don't share that different perspective right then
and there, maybe say hey, I just need to think
about this, pray about this a little bit, thank you
for sharing that with me, and maybe later on say hey,
I kind of see it from a little different vantage point.
Are you open to hearing where I'm coming from? And
if a spouse says no, I need to accept that.
I need to realize that Okay, they were able to
(10:29):
share their feelings. They're not looking for my input on this.
But if a spouse is, which you know, curiosity many
times will lead to a spouse to say, well, help
me understand maybe what you're thinking, what you're feeling, But
it needs to be done in that atmosphere of respect
and that desire for curiosity.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
What is it that my spouse is feeling?
Speaker 4 (10:48):
How can I affirm my spouse without maybe taking offense?
And that's so easy to do is to respond in
that sense of defensiveness. I need to protect myself. But
if I'm not feeling that my spouse is attacking me,
but sharing with me because he or she cares, then
I'm probably going to be in a much better place
to receive it, just as the heart of what my
(11:09):
spouse is feeling.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
As couples are looking to improve, there may be moments
where they don't do so well in front of their children,
and when they realize that they've really impacted their children,
how can they now go to their children. What should
be some of the things that they may say to
bring them comfort and help them to navigate through what
they just were exposed to.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Well, Michael, I really like the fact that you mentioned
you know, when we fall short, what do we do
with that? Because we all are going to I would say,
just being able to go and say, tell me, what
was that like for you? When mom and dad were
talking about the dent in the garage door, whatever it
might be, I can say that because I put a
dent in our garage door, you know, just to be
able to have them voice what they're feeling. So now
(11:50):
we're taking the principles that we're employing as spouses and
we're bringing them down to the level of a child.
What did that feel like? And whatever the child says? Again,
parent can just validate that emotion. The child said, boll,
I was scared you guys were going to start hitting
each other, and maybe our natural reaction in that situation
is just to say, no, we would never do that. Well,
(12:11):
that kind of is saying the way you're feeling is wrong,
but you want to validate the fact that that's what
the child was feeling, and then being able to maybe
come back and really describe how mom and dad are
pursuing dealing with conflict well, because sometimes we don't necessarily
deal with it well as spouses. Sometimes you and your
brother may not deal with it well, or you and
(12:32):
your sister, and so we want them to be able
to begin to develop some of those same abilities. But
I think apologizing I would probably ask first what did
that feel like? And then to communicate, you know, I
did not deal so well with that. It's maybe both
parents realizing it, maybe coming together to the child and
really talk about here's how we are attempting, or here
(12:52):
are the steps we are taking, which I think many
times can include counseling, because counseling really says we're going
to be intentional about this. We don't want to perpetuate
bad patterns, patterns that are going to be destructive in
our kids' lives. Not the only step, and I'm not
saying every individual needs to pursue counseling for that, but
I think it often is advantageous because it helps us
(13:15):
take those constructive steps.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Give a couple believes that they need counseling, what are
some resources that they can go to?
Speaker 4 (13:21):
Well, christiancounselors network dot com. Christiancounselors Network dot com is
focus on the families listing of Christian counselors around the country.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
They've been vetted.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
We don't know them personally, so we're careful not to say, yeah,
we recommend this person or that person, but they all
have given a brief testimony of personal faith in Jesus Christ.
They all view scripture with a strong confidence, a strong
perspective on that. Another avenue that people can do is
they can just give us a call at one eight
hundred the letter A and then family one eight hundred
(13:56):
A family and say I'd like to speak with a counselor.
Now they'll get a way and time consultation. It's not counseling,
but we can talk a little bit about what a
person or a couple are experiencing and maybe direct them,
give them some counselors' names, maybe talk a little bit about,
you know, what might be going on, not dynamically wise,
but just what's going on in their interaction, and maybe.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Provide a few suggestions for them.
Speaker 4 (14:21):
There may be some articles or broadcasts that focus on
the family has done that we can direct them towards.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
In that regard.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Glenn Lechends, thank you so much for joining me today
and for giving us these tips to help us even
in our marital conflict, to make it all better. Thank you, Glenn.
You're very welcome, Michael, and thank you for listening. Won't
you join me again. I'm your host, Michael Leech, and
I'm praying for you and praying that the rest of
your day is wonderful.
Welcome to Starcares, a weekly program that delves into the
issues that impact you and your family. This program is
a public affairs feature of this radio station. Now here's
your host, Michael Leach.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Marital arguments and conflicts are unavoidable, but how do they
impact our children? Let's talk about it. My guest today
is licensed marriage and family therapist Glenn Legends. Glenn, thanks
for joining me today and welcome to the show.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Michael. It's my privilege to be with you. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
So conflict, we know is inevitable any relationship and people
are going to disagree. What are the differences between arguments
and conflict.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
Well, I think you used an important word there. When
we're talking about conflict, it's not agreeing. There's a presence
of tension, but that can be true within oneself. I mean,
there are many times that we feel kind of divided
between two different ideas, two different thoughts. With argument, there's
an intent to try to win, to beat another person
either in an argument sometimes unfortunately physically, people will move
(00:59):
in that direction. There's a winner and there's a loser.
There's one that's one up, there's one that's put down.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
And so we're talking about arguments primarily within marriages today,
How do arguments affect your emotional connection with your spouse.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
There's really a sense of kind of internal alert that
goes on when we feel safe emotionally and physically, there's
a relaxing that takes place physiologically, emotionally, and I would
say even spiritually, So that relaxation is conducive then for
trying to address issues, address concerns, even from the physiological
(01:34):
standpoint the brain, when we're in that calm state of mind,
we're in the prefrontal cortex of our brain in large measure,
when quarreling, when argumentation in a sense is taking place,
there's a heightened sense of agitation, and so physiologically we're
out of that prefrontal cortex. We're more into that limbic
(01:55):
system fight flight or freeze, which is God given. I mean,
God gave it to us to be able to determine,
you know, emergency situations that we need to attend to.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
But it was never.
Speaker 4 (02:06):
Really intended to be a constant source of tension in
the home environment. The relationship, other than our relationship with
the Lord is supposed to be the one that brings
about the greatest level of contentment and peace.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Do you believe that parents should deal with conflict behind
closed doors so that it never really becomes an issue
with their children.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
There are a few areas where that may be really important,
you know, obviously the area of sexuality, their sexual desires,
that one I think really needs to be behind closed doors.
Sometimes financial concerns, because that can create a sense of
anxiety within children. But what I find in talking with
people quite often is they'll say, you know, my parents
they never argue.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
That was great. They weren't yelling at each other.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
That's wonderful, And so how did you learn how to
deal with conflict? Well, they're not quite so sure. They
just kind of presume that parents didn't have conflict. So
maybe now because I am experienced conflict, we're not agreeing
on everything.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Maybe I'm married the wrong person.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
So there's some faulty conclusions that we can come to.
If arguments or conflict is addressed behind closed doors, if
people are not able to address them in a calm manner,
then I would say, yeah, it's probably wiser in that
situation to address them behind closed doors. But the ideal
scenario is for parents to realize that, okay, we need
(03:20):
to deal well with how we disagree and do so
in a respectful and a loving way so that we
can provide that message, that incredible learning experience to our kids.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
So when we don't do that well, what are some
of the impacts that these kind of conflicts, these disagreements
may have upon our children.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
Different ages it can impact differently. There was a law
firm in Texas that put together and from their interaction
with people in the counseling realm, just some different ages
how things can affect kids. The real Younger children zero three,
kind of a crankiness, maybe a disrupted sleep patterns, not
meeting those developmental milestones. Age four to six, I see
(04:00):
the beginnings of some self blame.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
You see some tantrums. You see some cleanness, maybe even some.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
Regression in regards to learning and toilet training. Seven to twelve,
there's kind of an increase in some of the guilt
and shame, maybe a lack of concentration. I do think
that there are times this is not true across the board,
But I do think that there are times where children
are diagnosed with ADHD when that's not what's really going on.
(04:26):
The symptoms are the same, child's not able to concentrate.
But let's say a child's coming out of a home
and going to school where mom and dad each night
are yelling at each other and the child has a
hard time keeping focused in on arithmetic, Well, there's kind
of a good reason why they're not able to stay focused.
And then the teen years kind of that areas of anger, rebellion,
(04:46):
experimenting with substance abuse, sexuality, just some different things. So
at every age there's really that sense of I don't
want to feel the internal tension that has begun in
my home. I want it to be different, and if
I can't change mom and dad and how they're dealing
with it, I'm going to try to find some way
to lessen that internal alarm in my mind, in my heart.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
And as those people become adults, is it generally true
that they mimic some of those behaviors that they actually
were trying to escape from.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
Many times they do.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
Many times when they're younger, they'll say to themselves, never
going to be like mom and dad and how they
deal with conflict. But a good number of times they
do that, or they can go the opposite direction. So
a child who grows up in a very conflictual mom
and dad yelling at each other. Person's like, I'm not
going there, So they go the opposite direction.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
They never want to deal with conflict.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
They bury things, and when we bury those conflicts and tensions,
it becomes problematic. So we have to deal with those hurts,
those wounds that we've pushed down and don't want to
touch with a ten foot pall. If we don't deal
with them, they'll rise up at the most inopportune times
in our lives, many times when we're married.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
So let's talk about some strategies for really dealing with
our own conflicts, our own argument within the marriage that
can impact our children, the atmosphere of our home, and
the future of our marriages. Where do we begin, because
sometimes when you're in an argument, you're not even thinking
about those little kids, and that's your children, then there's
also grandchildren.
Speaker 4 (06:13):
Well, I think the first thing is if my body
is feeling that innertention. A lot of times we feel
it in our shoulders, you know, our fore ahead, our jaw,
our gut. Our body tells us something that needs to
be attended to, and then we need to take the
time to attend to it, not just okay, fly off
the handle, calling a spouse a name, or other things
which maybe we've learned that have developed as habits. But
(06:37):
what's going on inside? What am I feeling? When have
I felt this way before? And we're not just talking
about you know, did I feel this way last week
or two years ago with my spouse? When did I
first start experiencing this emotion? And it may be way back.
It may be in our childhood when our life experiences
were not comfortable or emotionally safe. I refer to them
(06:57):
as double exposures.
Speaker 3 (06:59):
So we have this wound, and we just kind of
pushed it away.
Speaker 4 (07:02):
We don't like pain, nobody wants to touch the stove,
so we push it down and then it rises back
up later on, five years down the road, twenty years
down the road, forty years down the road, it rises
back up, and I don't even know what it is,
but it's that old wound I've never dealt with. And
now this new situation, and it may not look a
whole lot like it, it may look very different, but
it's engendering that same emotion because I'm back in that
(07:24):
fight flight or freeze reaction that I was when I
was seven years old. They're twelve years old, whatever age
frame that was, and so I need to deal with that.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
So I'm taking less baggage with me.
Speaker 4 (07:34):
I'm not having that emotional flashback, that double exposure anymore.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
If I'm dealing with something, it's.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
Really going to be more in the here and now
that I need to address and resolve within my heart
and my spirit with the Lord's help.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Are there any boundaries that you would recommend that couple
set for fighting fairly when they do have to engage first.
Speaker 4 (07:53):
When a person does take that time and pause and
address it, then they can approach their spouse and say,
I want to share something with you.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
What's a good time.
Speaker 4 (08:01):
So now the spouse needs to be prepared. Some spouses
want to know what is it about? Is it a
particular area that I think can vary. Some people are like, hey,
if you want to share something with me, I'm going
to be prepared to receive from you.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
If what you share with me is a.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
Frustration that you have with me, or something you're delighted about,
maybe that I've said or done, you know, one person
might be open to anything. Another person might want to
know what it is the challenge if we know what
it is is. We may go into that defensive mode
I don't think I did anything wrong, and why is he.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Or she so upset? But to agree together on a
time and then also to look at it from the
vantage point I love.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
There's a verse in Philippians two four that says, look
not only to your own interests, but also to the
interest of others, which really says, yeah, my interests matter.
I don't want to be emotional target practice for my spouse,
but I also want to be able to hear and
validate what he or she is feeling, and then when
my spouse shares with me, hopefully in a respectful way,
(08:59):
what their concern is, which basically is I felt blank, frustrated, disappointed,
discouraged when blank, So, for example, I felt hurt, I
felt rejected when I came in the room this morning
and said hello, and you didn't look up from what
you were reading. That would be pretty straightforward. I'm starting
with the emotion because that's really what I want to
share with you, but I'm also connecting it now. If
(09:19):
previously maybe I've prefaced my comment with I'm sharing with
you what I'm feeling. I'm not saying you're responsible for
my emotion. I'm feeling it. It's mine.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
I need to deal with it.
Speaker 4 (09:29):
But I care too much about our relationship to just
bury this. And it may be that some of what
has been said or done does relate to my spouse's behavior,
but I'm being honest and open, but I'm taking ownership
of what's mine. And so when a spouse listens to that,
maybe they need some further understanding, but hopefully they're able
to just receive it as here's what my spouse is feeling,
(09:50):
and I just need to be a mirror. I just
need to reflect back. Boy, it really sounds like you
were hurt when I just kind of kept my nose
buried in the newspaper, or even when I kept my
nose back in the Bible. So that the person is
able to just give voice to it and then thank
their spouse for.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
What was shared.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
Now, maybe there's a different perspective that they have. I
usually encourage people don't share that different perspective right then
and there, maybe say hey, I just need to think
about this, pray about this a little bit, thank you
for sharing that with me, and maybe later on say hey,
I kind of see it from a little different vantage point.
Are you open to hearing where I'm coming from? And
if a spouse says no, I need to accept that.
I need to realize that Okay, they were able to
(10:29):
share their feelings. They're not looking for my input on this.
But if a spouse is, which you know, curiosity many
times will lead to a spouse to say, well, help
me understand maybe what you're thinking, what you're feeling, But
it needs to be done in that atmosphere of respect
and that desire for curiosity.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
What is it that my spouse is feeling?
Speaker 4 (10:48):
How can I affirm my spouse without maybe taking offense?
And that's so easy to do is to respond in
that sense of defensiveness. I need to protect myself. But
if I'm not feeling that my spouse is attacking me,
but sharing with me because he or she cares, then
I'm probably going to be in a much better place
to receive it, just as the heart of what my
(11:09):
spouse is feeling.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
As couples are looking to improve, there may be moments
where they don't do so well in front of their children,
and when they realize that they've really impacted their children,
how can they now go to their children. What should
be some of the things that they may say to
bring them comfort and help them to navigate through what
they just were exposed to.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Well, Michael, I really like the fact that you mentioned
you know, when we fall short, what do we do
with that? Because we all are going to I would say,
just being able to go and say, tell me, what
was that like for you? When mom and dad were
talking about the dent in the garage door, whatever it
might be, I can say that because I put a
dent in our garage door, you know, just to be
able to have them voice what they're feeling. So now
(11:50):
we're taking the principles that we're employing as spouses and
we're bringing them down to the level of a child.
What did that feel like? And whatever the child says? Again,
parent can just validate that emotion. The child said, boll,
I was scared you guys were going to start hitting
each other, and maybe our natural reaction in that situation
is just to say, no, we would never do that. Well,
(12:11):
that kind of is saying the way you're feeling is wrong,
but you want to validate the fact that that's what
the child was feeling, and then being able to maybe
come back and really describe how mom and dad are
pursuing dealing with conflict well, because sometimes we don't necessarily
deal with it well as spouses. Sometimes you and your
brother may not deal with it well, or you and
(12:32):
your sister, and so we want them to be able
to begin to develop some of those same abilities. But
I think apologizing I would probably ask first what did
that feel like? And then to communicate, you know, I
did not deal so well with that. It's maybe both
parents realizing it, maybe coming together to the child and
really talk about here's how we are attempting, or here
(12:52):
are the steps we are taking, which I think many
times can include counseling, because counseling really says we're going
to be intentional about this. We don't want to perpetuate
bad patterns, patterns that are going to be destructive in
our kids' lives. Not the only step, and I'm not
saying every individual needs to pursue counseling for that, but
I think it often is advantageous because it helps us
(13:15):
take those constructive steps.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Give a couple believes that they need counseling, what are
some resources that they can go to?
Speaker 4 (13:21):
Well, christiancounselors network dot com. Christiancounselors Network dot com is
focus on the families listing of Christian counselors around the country.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
They've been vetted.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
We don't know them personally, so we're careful not to say, yeah,
we recommend this person or that person, but they all
have given a brief testimony of personal faith in Jesus Christ.
They all view scripture with a strong confidence, a strong
perspective on that. Another avenue that people can do is
they can just give us a call at one eight
hundred the letter A and then family one eight hundred
(13:56):
A family and say I'd like to speak with a counselor.
Now they'll get a way and time consultation. It's not counseling,
but we can talk a little bit about what a
person or a couple are experiencing and maybe direct them,
give them some counselors' names, maybe talk a little bit about,
you know, what might be going on, not dynamically wise,
but just what's going on in their interaction, and maybe.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Provide a few suggestions for them.
Speaker 4 (14:21):
There may be some articles or broadcasts that focus on
the family has done that we can direct them towards.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
In that regard.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Glenn Lechends, thank you so much for joining me today
and for giving us these tips to help us even
in our marital conflict, to make it all better. Thank you, Glenn.
You're very welcome, Michael, and thank you for listening. Won't
you join me again. I'm your host, Michael Leech, and
I'm praying for you and praying that the rest of
your day is wonderful.
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