June 13, 2024 • 27 mins
"There is no timeline to grieve, just as there is no timeline to love." Lauren Prior
Lauren is a Trauma Therapist who has a compelling story to share - about losing her husband while she was mere days away from giving birth to their child.
Join the conversation to see what kind of friend you are when a loved one is grieving. What is the right thing to do? What about the wrong things?
Lauren shares the story of what led to her husband's fatal accident that night and how she managed to keep going. Grabbing onto the benefit of the shock within grief, how did she handle coming out of the fog when the offers for help started to fade away?
"Be brave enough to ask" is the answer she gives when I enquire about the best way to help someone who is grieving a death. Be there. Show up. "I'm gonna sit here while you cry."
Luckily for all of us, Lauren Prior is working on a book and I have a giant notion it's going to help the masses with how to ask for help, be the right kind of friend, and know that it's ok to simply ask.
Lauren Prior is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor / Owner at Walking Brave Counseling
Lauren is a Trauma Therapist who has a compelling story to share - about losing her husband while she was mere days away from giving birth to their child.
Join the conversation to see what kind of friend you are when a loved one is grieving. What is the right thing to do? What about the wrong things?
Lauren shares the story of what led to her husband's fatal accident that night and how she managed to keep going. Grabbing onto the benefit of the shock within grief, how did she handle coming out of the fog when the offers for help started to fade away?
"Be brave enough to ask" is the answer she gives when I enquire about the best way to help someone who is grieving a death. Be there. Show up. "I'm gonna sit here while you cry."
Luckily for all of us, Lauren Prior is working on a book and I have a giant notion it's going to help the masses with how to ask for help, be the right kind of friend, and know that it's ok to simply ask.
Lauren Prior is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor / Owner at Walking Brave Counseling
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
For me, it was like eightweeks later, and that's right around the
time that everybody disappears, like themeal train stops and the people stop coming
and nobody shows up, and that'sthe time that it hit me and I
just really grieved hard. And nobodywas around, you know, everybody was
all gone, and there is notimeline to grief, because there's no timeline
to love. Stranger Connections is theembodiment of Lisa david Olson's perspective of we're
(00:25):
all just friends who just simply haven'tmet yet. It's an exploration of the
weirdly wonderful side of life and alook at the single commonality we have with
each other, our differences. Slipoff your shoes, pour a cup of
your favorite and let's meet this week'sbarrel of quirks. Welcome to Stranger Connections,
(00:45):
where I celebrate quirky life stories andwonderfully weird people. I am your
curious beast and host Lisa david Olson, the practically world famous business humorist and
interactive speaker. Invite me to yourevent if you want to do an improv
workshop or just have me do akeynote, or maybe you're someone looking for
the Tedex stage. I'm your gal. So today I am going to dabble
(01:10):
in the world of trauma, comingout of trauma and what it takes,
where you've been and where you're goingwith my lovely guest Lauren Pryor, who
is a trauma therapist and she hasa unique backstory that fits this show just
right. Welcome Lauren, Hi,thanks for having me. Yeah, has
a very interesting story. Let's justget into it. The big major point
(01:32):
of the story that's that's crazy isthat I lost my husband, my first
husband, and then three days laterI gave birth, which was a wild
riodtis. I'm sure you can imagineto experience both death and very unexpected death
and life in the same week.So, oh my gosh, the hormones
are happening. And I mean,and then that was your first baby.
(01:55):
Yes, not that it's not uniqueevery single time, but that's a whole
lot to go through and you madethat. Do you share what happened to
your husband? I do, andI you know. So the short version
is that he died in a caraccident, because it's absolutely The longer version
is that there were lots of complicatedthings that went on in his life in
(02:19):
our marriage. It's it's a wildstory, and that's why I'm actually writing
a book to tell the whole story, because there's a lot more to it.
Even even that one night is sortof the big you know, him
dying and the giving birth kind ofbecomes the peak of it, if you
will, But there's a lot moreto it. So just yeah, yeah,
it's a lot. A vehicle accident, so it sounds like something else
(02:43):
was happening. Is it something thatled to the vehicle accident? Yeah.
So my first husband battled addiction formany years, And the only reason sometimes
I get hesitant in sharing that partof the story is because I fear sometimes
people's quick immediate reaction to judge himor judge me, or to dismiss the
(03:04):
grief or to dismiss the trauma,even because of the addiction. It's like,
oh, well, that was hisfall tour, whatever it may be.
And so it's one of those thingsthat I always want to be able
to give that full picture of whohe was in our marriage and our love
story and just the grief that Iexperienced in spite of just you know,
(03:27):
really the hell that we had beenthrough and with his addiction and battling that
he was someone who is a veryyou know, high functioning addict. And
I use air quotes for that becauseeither there's no such thing really when it
comes right down to it. Buton the surface, nobody knew. Everybody
(03:47):
thought that he was well loved,well liked, he had a good job.
He was nobody knew except for me, and so something that he battled
behind closed door, and it did, in fact lead to his death.
Ironically, he was going to rehabthe next day, so he died on
(04:08):
a Tuesday night. He was goingto rehab Wednesday morning, and I think,
in true attic fashion, took whathe had left, which wasn't much,
but he knew he was going tohave to give it all up and
took what he had left, andthen he got in the car because he
wanted ice cream and never made ithome. Wow, that is so much.
(04:29):
That is just so much, andyou being coming out of it.
How many years ago was this.I's been six and a half years on
Ust. Yeah, yeah, it'sstill so recent, oh, Lauren.
But for you to be hesitant toshare that with people, that is just
I don't feel it's that way anymore. I think anyone listening can immediately think
of their friend or family member,and maybe multiples that have some sort of
(04:53):
addiction. Somebody in my family hasa recovering gambling addict. My mother was
a recovering alcoholic. I always sayrecovering because you're always that right, right,
And I know other addictions and Okay, I'm a coffee addict and I'm
serious but truly yes, yes,and there are people with food addictions and
all the things. I just feelthat with your story that makes other people
(05:16):
feel it's okay to share theirs likethat, and that's why I feel it's
important to share. And I wantto tell the whole story and I want
to get that out there. Butyou know, it's always one of those
things that like I'm like, I'mgoing to tell you this part, but
then you need to know the wholepicture here. You need to know,
you know, I don't want peopleto to make those quick judgments. It's
like you need to hear him andhear me and my heart behind it all
(05:41):
because it's not easy and it's sohard. He worked in the medical field,
was exposed to things all the time. He suffered medical conditions himself.
In fact, he had many yearsof sobriety and then basically had a major
relapse after two huge surgeries cancer scareand had two major surgeries and that kind
of threw him back into his addictionunfortunately. So it's really tough. I've
(06:05):
had two other guests that were theactual person that suffered, and one Craig
Stanland, has a book out.I think he's getting a second book out,
same thing. I think it wasa back surgery. He had two
homes, every expensive watch, youknow, five fancy cars, all the
things, and then the painkillers andthen they couldn't get any more. He
(06:29):
couldn't get any more pain killers,so then he went to regular street drug
kind of thing and lost every singlething, including his wife and all this,
and then did prison time. Thatstory in his sharing is just so
much that you hear of people andtheir pain leads them to that they'll do
anything to not hurt, right.Yeah, that is so hard. Yeah,
(06:55):
And it was, you know,and through the whole thing, it
was just you know, this isI loved this man dearly, deeply,
you know, thoroughly, and youknow his addiction certainly affected me and affected
our marriage. It was hard.It's hard to love someone in addiction,
you know, and I'm sure there'speople listening that know what that's like and
how hard it is to see thisperson that you love and care for so
(07:16):
deeply and so fully just battle andyou know, because he didn't want to.
He hated it, He hated itabout himself. He dealt with so
much shame around it, and that'swhy you hit it. But yeah,
so it just was such a hardthing. And then, like I said,
in the end, he finally waslike, Okay, I'm going to
go get help. I know Ineed to go. You know, we
have a baby on the way.I'm going to do this, and I'm
(07:40):
going to go to go to rehaband get the help that I need.
And it's just he never made itthere. And so it's just tragic in
your life, in your world.How did you get through bet shocking trauma
where you think he's going to bein rehab. We've got our baby coming.
It's going to be the cutest babyin the whole world, which I'm
(08:01):
sure it is. And then thatI cannot imagine being overly pregnant and going
through all just the door slammed rightin your face. What was that like?
What can you compare it to?Gosh, I don't know that there's
a lot I can compare it to. It's it's and what you're describing is
(08:22):
so true, Like it was,you know, I had walked through so
much hardship with him already. Butthen it's like, okay, we're having
this baby. And and so myand my baby did come early. I
am sure it's the grief and thetrauma and the tragedy of it all that
sort of sent me into labor threedays later. But he wasn't that early.
So he's still healthy and good,So it was only ten days early.
(08:43):
But still, wow. You know, here I was like, okay,
you're actually going to go to rehab. I was starting to feel hopeful,
like, Okay, we're going tobe all right, Like because I
knew, I knew this man thatI loved. I knew that once he
could get get past the pills right, that he could he could be an
amazing husband and father and he youknow that we could kind of have this
happily ever after if he could justget over this this addiction. So yeah,
(09:09):
it was just sort of in preparation, feeling hopeful, feeling ready to
start this life and trying to focuson, you know, this baby that
was coming, and then just thebottom dropped out. And that's the best
way to describe it, is thatliterally everything in my life just shattered.
And meanwhile, I'm very pregnant exactly, and so it was this oh my
(09:35):
goodness, like now what and andeverything that I had planned or thought that
I we were headed into just completelywent out the window. And it was
like, you just start over fromscratch. And I started over from scratch
as a new mother with a newbaby, you know, with a colicky
infant, and I'm you know,and so we spent our first three months
(09:58):
both just crying all the time,and so, you know, we just
cried together. It was just,you know, just so many emotions and
so much and you know, andwhen you first experienced grief, there is
a shock that comes over you.There is a numbness that follows that it's
almost necessary because it's too much,it's too big, it's too crazy.
(10:18):
You cannot physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually process any of it. And
so you almost just kind of gonumb for a while. And then for
me, it was about it likekind of the eight week mark, my
son was starting to become less colicky, right, We're starting to get some
sleep, and reality just hit meat that point, and I just I'm
(10:39):
grateful. I had an amazing,really supportive family. I had an amazing
tribe of women who backed me upand just were there for me a drop
of a hat. So I'm justso grateful for the community that I had.
I don't know that I would havegotten through any of it without them,
honestly, just my parents. Ihad brothers that my brother and my
(11:01):
sister in law like would help.They would come over and help me with
the witching hours I don't know,you know, when the baby at nighttime,
when they're just screaming for hours onend, they would like come and
bounce and rock, and just becauseit was too much for me emotionally,
it was just so hard. Soyeah, yeah, it is on a
regular day for anyone that has ababy. It is. And it's just
(11:24):
even if you have three kids,each one is so unique and your body
goes through so much, the dumpof hormones and the whole thing and trying
to readjust that after carrying the baby, but then the grief, like you
said, the numbness is a beautifulthing. Shock is such a wonderful thing
in nature, but it just doesn'tlast long enough. No, yeah,
(11:46):
yeah, it's wild. Like Imean I remember, you know, being
in the hospital and then both againat my doctor's office, you know,
my postpartum appointments and then giving methese like postpartum just depression screeners, and
it's like, well, yeah,but I mean it's not that, it's
like what do you expect? Likeit was. It put everything in perspective
(12:07):
for me. Honestly, I don'tknow that I experienced a lot of true
postpartum depression because I was experiencing grieflike that just that was big enough to
carry all of it, right,And you're going, what your scale only
goes to ten? You guys areamateurs. Uh. But you know,
in many ways, having my sonwas a beautiful thing. Like in some
(12:28):
ways, even the timing is tragicand as awful as it was, it
was also like perfect, you know, because I had this baby that needed
me. I had this on thislittle human that was relying on me.
You know, it's like I can'tlose it too much. I got to
keep it together. And then Iliterally quite literally had a piece of him.
What I just lost and it's likeI got him back. I mean,
(12:52):
and not really, you know,and I don't necessarily believe in incarnation
or any things like that, butit's like I have a part of him,
you know, his blood, hisDNA is in this little boy,
and I now have this little babyto connect with and so so bonding actually
was quite easy really, you know, for a new mom and dealing with
all the postpartum stuff. Because ofthat, I was able to breastfeed,
(13:13):
which I'm so grateful for. Justsaw the oxytocin and all of that was
amazing and so but it was awild ride. I think we grieved together,
and I talk about that some.You know, I know it seems
wild to say that an infant cangrieve, but I think I think he
did. I think they can becauseit's still you know, that was still
(13:35):
his dad, you know, andhe still lost him and he can't process
that on a logical level. Butthere's something innate, right, just in
the same way that we're connected toa great great grandparent that we never met.
Sometimes, you know, there's abiological connection that's that kind of spans
beyond the physical realm that we know, and the baby here's the people before
(14:00):
they come out, that's proven theyhear the voice. Then that's how they
know their parents. That's all thethings. So I can't imagine and looking
back at that darkest, toughest time, somebody might come up to you and
say, what can I do?This XYG x y Z just happened to
me? What can I do?What advice might you pull from that?
(14:22):
That was the one thing that helpedyou through it? Yeah, you know
I talk a lot about this now, you know, being so many years
later about just like, okay,how to help other people who are greeting,
who are suffering, or who weredealing with hardship, because you know,
I had so many people say,you know, let me know if
you need anything, right, Andno shade to any of those people.
(14:46):
I know they were coming from areally good place of carrying right, But
not once did I ever call onany of them or give them anything to
do. And part of that isthat I don't even know what I need
right. I'm in such a fogand such a I'm just surviving minute to
minute, hour to hour. Idon't know what I need. I don't
know what's happening in the next minute. Right, let alone be able to
(15:07):
articulate what I need and be braveenough to ask someone for it, right
like that, you know, beingable to ask for help requires bravery and
requires you know, being able tokind of articulate that and advocate for myself.
And I just was not in aplace to do that. And so
honestly, the best thing that anyoneever did was just be there. Just
(15:30):
show up. Just be there.And it's not about what you say,
because there is nothing to say,and it's not about having the right thing
to comment on, you know.And there's a lot of people that make
really awful comments, right, youknow, and they're trying to be helpful,
but they can say things that especiallyin my situation, right, you
know, and losing someone with addiction, there can be a lot of things
(15:50):
said, a lot of things inthe name of religion and things like that
that are said that are actually quitehurtful. But the best thing that anyone
said is just gosh, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna sit with you and
let you cry. Right, I'mjust gonna sit here and let your tears
come. That your grief, inyour emotion is welcome in my presence,
(16:11):
and that is a huge gift thatis not doesn't happen enough. Right.
People immediately jump to try to comfortor to try to cheer people up.
But all that really tells me isthat your grief isn't welcome here. Is
that you're making me uncomfortable, andso I need you to stop right or
I don't know how to process thistrauma that you experienced, and so I'm
(16:33):
uncomfortable with that, and I don'tknow what to do with it, you
know, And so I'm like,yeah, me too. And that's and
so having a welcome place to justbe able to cry and process and allow
my emotions to be present was ahuge gift. Dang, that made me
almost cry. Yeah, because youwant to say, yeah, just I'm
just right here. I'll be.I'll be on your front doorstep. I'm
(16:56):
going to hang out for an houryou need me, That's where I'll be.
I think that is so well said. When my mom's husband, so
my stepdad passed, so many peopleare like, we're going to go out,
I'm gonna you just call me ifyou want to do lunch, and
my mother said something so similar andthis is decades ago where she said that
(17:18):
was during my time of processing andbeing in shock and just being numb.
Where are they now? She wasable to vitialize that in the sense of
six weeks two months later, shegoes, where are they now? I
don't want to call them. Theyhaven't reached out, so now I'd feel
stupid going, hey, I rememberthat lunch invite. She goes, all
of that that happened that day,I need now, And I was like,
(17:40):
wow, we all need to hearthat. Yeah, yeah, so
true. The other days, youknow, a friend of mine, she
a friend of hers, lost someone, not someone I know, but you
know, And so we were talkingabout this very thing about her trying to
help them, and I was saying, yeah, like there, you know,
there is such a shock and anumbness. And like I said,
for me, it was like eightweeks later, and that's right around the
time that everybody disappears, like themeal train stops and the people stop coming
(18:06):
and nobody shows up, and that'sthe time that it hit me. And
I just really grieved hard. Andnobody was around, you know, everybody
was all gone, and so that'shard. I don't hear from you,
and nobody else is organizing anything.So we figure, okay, she must
be doing better. Know you,guys, this is your wake up.
This is my wake up and yourwake up. Don't do that. Keep
(18:27):
checking in, not just when everybodyelse is they need it, when it's
all summerd down. Yeah, Andthere is no timeline to grief because there's
no timeline to love, right,I still grieve, you know. Six
and a half years later, Igrieve, you know. And I remarried.
I have a beautiful, blended familyand that's amazing. I love my
new husband so much. But thatdoesn't mean that I stopped loving my first
(18:51):
husband. And that's such a hardreality, I think for people to understand.
It's a hard reality for me tounderstand sometimes, but it's true.
It is that I love both ofthese men. And so yeah, wow,
that's so well said. And thatsays a lot for your husband because
he absolutely took on your former husbandat the same time, because that's a
good man, because he knows,he knows you still love him. There's
(19:15):
no animosity that makes him love youmore. It's not this bitter ex crap
that he has to listen to.And I've got a couple ex husbands and
they're my friends and my husband nowis all about the friendships and stuff.
I think that's a beautiful thing thatsays more about a person. Anybody can
be angry and bitter and whatever andjealous. I don't know why because you're
(19:37):
the one with that mate. Now, so what a great story. Now,
Were you a trauma therapist prior tothis? Was? Yeah, that's
kind of the irony, right,Yeah, I was. I became a
youar well, I graduated my master'sin twenty eleven, so that was you
know, we're with thirteen years ago. And then you know, you know,
(20:00):
the first few years or of yourcareers as a counselor as a therapist
here just basically doing a lot ofcommunity meal health, getting a lot of
experience. But then I started specializingin trauma about two years before his death,
actually got trained in EMDR and lovethat doing a lot of trauma work,
learning about how trauma affects the body, all the stuff, right,
(20:22):
And that's sort of the right theirony you know of like in some ways
I look back and I think,man, like, you know, maybe
something divine was preparing me for whatwas to come, you know that?
And I don't know I say thisto people. I mean, yes,
did having all that knowledge and information, was that to my advantage? Yeah,
to some degree, sure, rightthat I knew what to do.
(20:45):
I knew, you know, sortof the ways that this was affecting me,
and I knew some ways, somehealthy ways to do it and some
not healthy ways to do it.To see that it is rather but it
didn't make the actual doing it anyeasier, right, Like you know,
well, like it's still drama,it's still grief, it's still the journey
of it is still just as hardno matter what. So yeah, yes,
(21:08):
and time can heal, but likeyou said, it can pop out
of nowhere and it's always going tobe there. But the fact that you
had a little bit of training underneathyour belt, and how strange that you
had that field already going, thatis really something to be said. Yeah,
so you're writing a book, yousaid, Yeah, writing a memoir
just about my story, So talkingabout his death, his addiction, and
(21:33):
our marriage, our love story,and then just what it was like to
grieve and be a new mom andthen sort of my happy ending. Wow,
that'll be a great, great book. So you keep us updated when
that comes out. And meanwhile,before I can let you go, I
need to know if there is adare or prank story one you have done
or had done to you, becausewe all want to know yes, yes,
(21:56):
no. I like I said,I was good debating. Okay,
what story do I tell? Ihave a good one? It's it's it's
pretty great. So in college Ilived with five other girls. We rented
a house off campus and I livedwith five girls, which you might think
was a disaster, but it wasactually some of the best time in my
life. Like, we had somuch fun and I'm still such close friends
(22:21):
with every one of those girls.In fact, they all showed up for
me in my time of grief.Wow, that's really cool. Yeah,
I mean, he's later. Butso we we lived in a house of
all girls, which was super funand we you know, had a great
time. So this story happened whenI was living there with them. So
we had five roommates. Two ofthe girls shared the master bedroom, which
(22:42):
was on the first floor. Well, one of the girls that was typically
in that bedroom was gone. She'dspent the night with a friend or I
don't know. I think she waswith her parents. I don't know where
she was. Anyway, she wasn'thome. So then I get woken up
at like one o'clock in the morningbecause my other roommate, the other one
that was downstairs by, comes upand wakes me up, and she's like,
(23:03):
I'm so freaked out, and I'mreally scared. I heard some people
outside. I thought I heard somethinghitting our house. I'm really freaked out.
I'm by myself, and I justthink that she's dreaming or she's like,
oh, you had a bad dream. And so I just said,
well, do you want me tocome downstairs and sleep in Hillary's bed.
She's like, oh, yeah,sure, that'd be good. So I
was like, okay, fine.So again I just think she's making it
up, she had a bad dream, whatever. So I go down there,
(23:25):
I get into bed, we turnoff the lights, and no sooner
have we turned off the lights thatI hear something hitting the house and I
hear people running outside, and atthis point we're like, oh my gosh,
and we are scared for our lives. We crouched down in between these
two little single beds. She grabsher phone and we're about to call the
cops, right, We're about tocall down one one, but then we
(23:45):
remembered we have two other roommates upstairs, and so we said, Okay,
here's the deal. We're going tograb our phone, we're gonna hold onto
each other, and we're gonna runthrough the house as fast as we can
and get everybody in one room.We're gonna lock through our or we're going
to call the cops. So thiswas our plane because we were literally scared
for our lives. Someone's about tobreak into our house and rape and kill
(24:06):
us all. I mean, wewere terrified. We've seen the movies.
Yes, So we're like, okay, ready go, And so we're running
through the house and we run upthe stairs and it was summertime, and
a lot of times in the summertimewe would have the upstairs windows open just
to have air circulation in the house. So we're running up the stairs and
there's a window at the top ofthe stairs that had curtains on it,
but the wind blew just at theright time to where the curtains parted,
(24:32):
and I saw the toilet paper.Oh, I knew exactly what was going
on, that all of our guyfriends had come and pranked and toilet paper
at our house. And so myintense fear turned to intense rage. And
I'd been busted through the door ofmy roommates, my other roommates. It
was fast asleep, and I runto her window, which is on the
(24:53):
front of the house, and Ijust start screaming, and we start seeing
little boys move like ants, andthey are running around and freaking out and
try to pile in their car andzoom off. And then we go downstairs
and they've tied our door shut andwe can't even get out. They thought
of that too. Yes, theyhad put big black trash bags over the
(25:15):
windows, and they had put everywhere, they had, you know, all
kinds of stuff. Ooh, theyliked you, I know. So it
was it was quite dramatic, andit's a funny story because we really thought
we were going to die and thenit was just and you say, you're
still close to those gals. Sodid you all talk about that when we
(25:37):
were all fighting for toilet paper,like dang, we should have saved all
that TP, right, I Ifor years later, I said, So
there was one guy, there waslike five of them that had all piled
up and done this, And therewas one guy out of the five that
came back the next day and helpedus clean up Oh, and to this
day, I'm like, you're theonly one I have respect for all that
(26:00):
those people, all those guys thatcame because he came to help us.
He like got up on the ladderand helped us getting off the roof.
All he's got a good mama.Yes, that is a fantastic story.
I appreciate you sharing your your wholestory. Your book is going to be
one that people will go toward becauseyou know, coming together through grief is
(26:26):
just so different and there really aren'ta lot of words for it. But
when you write your book, beprepared. People are going to want to
share their stories with you. Asyou've already learned, it's kind of interesting
how we seek each other and wewant to share stories. So I really
thank you for sharing yours. Yeah, thank you so much. Thanks for
having me. I appreciate it.Yeah. Well, I'm honored to have
had you on our show today,Lauren Pryor. And remember we can only
(26:51):
be strangers once, and I inviteyou to stay weird awesome. This has
been stranger connections with these
For me, it was like eightweeks later, and that's right around the
time that everybody disappears, like themeal train stops and the people stop coming
and nobody shows up, and that'sthe time that it hit me and I
just really grieved hard. And nobodywas around, you know, everybody was
all gone, and there is notimeline to grief, because there's no timeline
to love. Stranger Connections is theembodiment of Lisa david Olson's perspective of we're
(00:25):
all just friends who just simply haven'tmet yet. It's an exploration of the
weirdly wonderful side of life and alook at the single commonality we have with
each other, our differences. Slipoff your shoes, pour a cup of
your favorite and let's meet this week'sbarrel of quirks. Welcome to Stranger Connections,
(00:45):
where I celebrate quirky life stories andwonderfully weird people. I am your
curious beast and host Lisa david Olson, the practically world famous business humorist and
interactive speaker. Invite me to yourevent if you want to do an improv
workshop or just have me do akeynote, or maybe you're someone looking for
the Tedex stage. I'm your gal. So today I am going to dabble
(01:10):
in the world of trauma, comingout of trauma and what it takes,
where you've been and where you're goingwith my lovely guest Lauren Pryor, who
is a trauma therapist and she hasa unique backstory that fits this show just
right. Welcome Lauren, Hi,thanks for having me. Yeah, has
a very interesting story. Let's justget into it. The big major point
(01:32):
of the story that's that's crazy isthat I lost my husband, my first
husband, and then three days laterI gave birth, which was a wild
riodtis. I'm sure you can imagineto experience both death and very unexpected death
and life in the same week.So, oh my gosh, the hormones
are happening. And I mean,and then that was your first baby.
(01:55):
Yes, not that it's not uniqueevery single time, but that's a whole
lot to go through and you madethat. Do you share what happened to
your husband? I do, andI you know. So the short version
is that he died in a caraccident, because it's absolutely The longer version
is that there were lots of complicatedthings that went on in his life in
(02:19):
our marriage. It's it's a wildstory, and that's why I'm actually writing
a book to tell the whole story, because there's a lot more to it.
Even even that one night is sortof the big you know, him
dying and the giving birth kind ofbecomes the peak of it, if you
will, But there's a lot moreto it. So just yeah, yeah,
it's a lot. A vehicle accident, so it sounds like something else
(02:43):
was happening. Is it something thatled to the vehicle accident? Yeah.
So my first husband battled addiction formany years, And the only reason sometimes
I get hesitant in sharing that partof the story is because I fear sometimes
people's quick immediate reaction to judge himor judge me, or to dismiss the
(03:04):
grief or to dismiss the trauma,even because of the addiction. It's like,
oh, well, that was hisfall tour, whatever it may be.
And so it's one of those thingsthat I always want to be able
to give that full picture of whohe was in our marriage and our love
story and just the grief that Iexperienced in spite of just you know,
(03:27):
really the hell that we had beenthrough and with his addiction and battling that
he was someone who is a veryyou know, high functioning addict. And
I use air quotes for that becauseeither there's no such thing really when it
comes right down to it. Buton the surface, nobody knew. Everybody
(03:47):
thought that he was well loved,well liked, he had a good job.
He was nobody knew except for me, and so something that he battled
behind closed door, and it did, in fact lead to his death.
Ironically, he was going to rehabthe next day, so he died on
(04:08):
a Tuesday night. He was goingto rehab Wednesday morning, and I think,
in true attic fashion, took whathe had left, which wasn't much,
but he knew he was going tohave to give it all up and
took what he had left, andthen he got in the car because he
wanted ice cream and never made ithome. Wow, that is so much.
(04:29):
That is just so much, andyou being coming out of it.
How many years ago was this.I's been six and a half years on
Ust. Yeah, yeah, it'sstill so recent, oh, Lauren.
But for you to be hesitant toshare that with people, that is just
I don't feel it's that way anymore. I think anyone listening can immediately think
of their friend or family member,and maybe multiples that have some sort of
(04:53):
addiction. Somebody in my family hasa recovering gambling addict. My mother was
a recovering alcoholic. I always sayrecovering because you're always that right, right,
And I know other addictions and Okay, I'm a coffee addict and I'm
serious but truly yes, yes,and there are people with food addictions and
all the things. I just feelthat with your story that makes other people
(05:16):
feel it's okay to share theirs likethat, and that's why I feel it's
important to share. And I wantto tell the whole story and I want
to get that out there. Butyou know, it's always one of those
things that like I'm like, I'mgoing to tell you this part, but
then you need to know the wholepicture here. You need to know,
you know, I don't want peopleto to make those quick judgments. It's
like you need to hear him andhear me and my heart behind it all
(05:41):
because it's not easy and it's sohard. He worked in the medical field,
was exposed to things all the time. He suffered medical conditions himself.
In fact, he had many yearsof sobriety and then basically had a major
relapse after two huge surgeries cancer scareand had two major surgeries and that kind
of threw him back into his addictionunfortunately. So it's really tough. I've
(06:05):
had two other guests that were theactual person that suffered, and one Craig
Stanland, has a book out.I think he's getting a second book out,
same thing. I think it wasa back surgery. He had two
homes, every expensive watch, youknow, five fancy cars, all the
things, and then the painkillers andthen they couldn't get any more. He
(06:29):
couldn't get any more pain killers,so then he went to regular street drug
kind of thing and lost every singlething, including his wife and all this,
and then did prison time. Thatstory in his sharing is just so
much that you hear of people andtheir pain leads them to that they'll do
anything to not hurt, right.Yeah, that is so hard. Yeah,
(06:55):
And it was, you know,and through the whole thing, it
was just you know, this isI loved this man dearly, deeply,
you know, thoroughly, and youknow his addiction certainly affected me and affected
our marriage. It was hard.It's hard to love someone in addiction,
you know, and I'm sure there'speople listening that know what that's like and
how hard it is to see thisperson that you love and care for so
(07:16):
deeply and so fully just battle andyou know, because he didn't want to.
He hated it, He hated itabout himself. He dealt with so
much shame around it, and that'swhy you hit it. But yeah,
so it just was such a hardthing. And then, like I said,
in the end, he finally waslike, Okay, I'm going to
go get help. I know Ineed to go. You know, we
have a baby on the way.I'm going to do this, and I'm
(07:40):
going to go to go to rehaband get the help that I need.
And it's just he never made itthere. And so it's just tragic in
your life, in your world.How did you get through bet shocking trauma
where you think he's going to bein rehab. We've got our baby coming.
It's going to be the cutest babyin the whole world, which I'm
(08:01):
sure it is. And then thatI cannot imagine being overly pregnant and going
through all just the door slammed rightin your face. What was that like?
What can you compare it to?Gosh, I don't know that there's
a lot I can compare it to. It's it's and what you're describing is
(08:22):
so true, Like it was,you know, I had walked through so
much hardship with him already. Butthen it's like, okay, we're having
this baby. And and so myand my baby did come early. I
am sure it's the grief and thetrauma and the tragedy of it all that
sort of sent me into labor threedays later. But he wasn't that early.
So he's still healthy and good,So it was only ten days early.
(08:43):
But still, wow. You know, here I was like, okay,
you're actually going to go to rehab. I was starting to feel hopeful,
like, Okay, we're going tobe all right, Like because I
knew, I knew this man thatI loved. I knew that once he
could get get past the pills right, that he could he could be an
amazing husband and father and he youknow that we could kind of have this
happily ever after if he could justget over this this addiction. So yeah,
(09:09):
it was just sort of in preparation, feeling hopeful, feeling ready to
start this life and trying to focuson, you know, this baby that
was coming, and then just thebottom dropped out. And that's the best
way to describe it, is thatliterally everything in my life just shattered.
And meanwhile, I'm very pregnant exactly, and so it was this oh my
(09:35):
goodness, like now what and andeverything that I had planned or thought that
I we were headed into just completelywent out the window. And it was
like, you just start over fromscratch. And I started over from scratch
as a new mother with a newbaby, you know, with a colicky
infant, and I'm you know,and so we spent our first three months
(09:58):
both just crying all the time,and so, you know, we just
cried together. It was just,you know, just so many emotions and
so much and you know, andwhen you first experienced grief, there is
a shock that comes over you.There is a numbness that follows that it's
almost necessary because it's too much,it's too big, it's too crazy.
(10:18):
You cannot physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually process any of it. And
so you almost just kind of gonumb for a while. And then for
me, it was about it likekind of the eight week mark, my
son was starting to become less colicky, right, We're starting to get some
sleep, and reality just hit meat that point, and I just I'm
(10:39):
grateful. I had an amazing,really supportive family. I had an amazing
tribe of women who backed me upand just were there for me a drop
of a hat. So I'm justso grateful for the community that I had.
I don't know that I would havegotten through any of it without them,
honestly, just my parents. Ihad brothers that my brother and my
(11:01):
sister in law like would help.They would come over and help me with
the witching hours I don't know,you know, when the baby at nighttime,
when they're just screaming for hours onend, they would like come and
bounce and rock, and just becauseit was too much for me emotionally,
it was just so hard. Soyeah, yeah, it is on a
regular day for anyone that has ababy. It is. And it's just
(11:24):
even if you have three kids,each one is so unique and your body
goes through so much, the dumpof hormones and the whole thing and trying
to readjust that after carrying the baby, but then the grief, like you
said, the numbness is a beautifulthing. Shock is such a wonderful thing
in nature, but it just doesn'tlast long enough. No, yeah,
(11:46):
yeah, it's wild. Like Imean I remember, you know, being
in the hospital and then both againat my doctor's office, you know,
my postpartum appointments and then giving methese like postpartum just depression screeners, and
it's like, well, yeah,but I mean it's not that, it's
like what do you expect? Likeit was. It put everything in perspective
(12:07):
for me. Honestly, I don'tknow that I experienced a lot of true
postpartum depression because I was experiencing grieflike that just that was big enough to
carry all of it, right,And you're going, what your scale only
goes to ten? You guys areamateurs. Uh. But you know,
in many ways, having my sonwas a beautiful thing. Like in some
(12:28):
ways, even the timing is tragicand as awful as it was, it
was also like perfect, you know, because I had this baby that needed
me. I had this on thislittle human that was relying on me.
You know, it's like I can'tlose it too much. I got to
keep it together. And then Iliterally quite literally had a piece of him.
What I just lost and it's likeI got him back. I mean,
(12:52):
and not really, you know,and I don't necessarily believe in incarnation
or any things like that, butit's like I have a part of him,
you know, his blood, hisDNA is in this little boy,
and I now have this little babyto connect with and so so bonding actually
was quite easy really, you know, for a new mom and dealing with
all the postpartum stuff. Because ofthat, I was able to breastfeed,
(13:13):
which I'm so grateful for. Justsaw the oxytocin and all of that was
amazing and so but it was awild ride. I think we grieved together,
and I talk about that some.You know, I know it seems
wild to say that an infant cangrieve, but I think I think he
did. I think they can becauseit's still you know, that was still
(13:35):
his dad, you know, andhe still lost him and he can't process
that on a logical level. Butthere's something innate, right, just in
the same way that we're connected toa great great grandparent that we never met.
Sometimes, you know, there's abiological connection that's that kind of spans
beyond the physical realm that we know, and the baby here's the people before
(14:00):
they come out, that's proven theyhear the voice. Then that's how they
know their parents. That's all thethings. So I can't imagine and looking
back at that darkest, toughest time, somebody might come up to you and
say, what can I do?This XYG x y Z just happened to
me? What can I do?What advice might you pull from that?
(14:22):
That was the one thing that helpedyou through it? Yeah, you know
I talk a lot about this now, you know, being so many years
later about just like, okay,how to help other people who are greeting,
who are suffering, or who weredealing with hardship, because you know,
I had so many people say,you know, let me know if
you need anything, right, Andno shade to any of those people.
(14:46):
I know they were coming from areally good place of carrying right, But
not once did I ever call onany of them or give them anything to
do. And part of that isthat I don't even know what I need
right. I'm in such a fogand such a I'm just surviving minute to
minute, hour to hour. Idon't know what I need. I don't
know what's happening in the next minute. Right, let alone be able to
(15:07):
articulate what I need and be braveenough to ask someone for it, right
like that, you know, beingable to ask for help requires bravery and
requires you know, being able tokind of articulate that and advocate for myself.
And I just was not in aplace to do that. And so
honestly, the best thing that anyoneever did was just be there. Just
(15:30):
show up. Just be there.And it's not about what you say,
because there is nothing to say,and it's not about having the right thing
to comment on, you know.And there's a lot of people that make
really awful comments, right, youknow, and they're trying to be helpful,
but they can say things that especiallyin my situation, right, you
know, and losing someone with addiction, there can be a lot of things
(15:50):
said, a lot of things inthe name of religion and things like that
that are said that are actually quitehurtful. But the best thing that anyone
said is just gosh, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna sit with you and
let you cry. Right, I'mjust gonna sit here and let your tears
come. That your grief, inyour emotion is welcome in my presence,
(16:11):
and that is a huge gift thatis not doesn't happen enough. Right.
People immediately jump to try to comfortor to try to cheer people up.
But all that really tells me isthat your grief isn't welcome here. Is
that you're making me uncomfortable, andso I need you to stop right or
I don't know how to process thistrauma that you experienced, and so I'm
(16:33):
uncomfortable with that, and I don'tknow what to do with it, you
know, And so I'm like,yeah, me too. And that's and
so having a welcome place to justbe able to cry and process and allow
my emotions to be present was ahuge gift. Dang, that made me
almost cry. Yeah, because youwant to say, yeah, just I'm
just right here. I'll be.I'll be on your front doorstep. I'm
(16:56):
going to hang out for an houryou need me, That's where I'll be.
I think that is so well said. When my mom's husband, so
my stepdad passed, so many peopleare like, we're going to go out,
I'm gonna you just call me ifyou want to do lunch, and
my mother said something so similar andthis is decades ago where she said that
(17:18):
was during my time of processing andbeing in shock and just being numb.
Where are they now? She wasable to vitialize that in the sense of
six weeks two months later, shegoes, where are they now? I
don't want to call them. Theyhaven't reached out, so now I'd feel
stupid going, hey, I rememberthat lunch invite. She goes, all
of that that happened that day,I need now, And I was like,
(17:40):
wow, we all need to hearthat. Yeah, yeah, so
true. The other days, youknow, a friend of mine, she
a friend of hers, lost someone, not someone I know, but you
know, And so we were talkingabout this very thing about her trying to
help them, and I was saying, yeah, like there, you know,
there is such a shock and anumbness. And like I said,
for me, it was like eightweeks later, and that's right around the
time that everybody disappears, like themeal train stops and the people stop coming
(18:06):
and nobody shows up, and that'sthe time that it hit me. And
I just really grieved hard. Andnobody was around, you know, everybody
was all gone, and so that'shard. I don't hear from you,
and nobody else is organizing anything.So we figure, okay, she must
be doing better. Know you,guys, this is your wake up.
This is my wake up and yourwake up. Don't do that. Keep
(18:27):
checking in, not just when everybodyelse is they need it, when it's
all summerd down. Yeah, Andthere is no timeline to grief because there's
no timeline to love, right,I still grieve, you know. Six
and a half years later, Igrieve, you know. And I remarried.
I have a beautiful, blended familyand that's amazing. I love my
new husband so much. But thatdoesn't mean that I stopped loving my first
(18:51):
husband. And that's such a hardreality, I think for people to understand.
It's a hard reality for me tounderstand sometimes, but it's true.
It is that I love both ofthese men. And so yeah, wow,
that's so well said. And thatsays a lot for your husband because
he absolutely took on your former husbandat the same time, because that's a
good man, because he knows,he knows you still love him. There's
(19:15):
no animosity that makes him love youmore. It's not this bitter ex crap
that he has to listen to.And I've got a couple ex husbands and
they're my friends and my husband nowis all about the friendships and stuff.
I think that's a beautiful thing thatsays more about a person. Anybody can
be angry and bitter and whatever andjealous. I don't know why because you're
(19:37):
the one with that mate. Now, so what a great story. Now,
Were you a trauma therapist prior tothis? Was? Yeah, that's
kind of the irony, right,Yeah, I was. I became a
youar well, I graduated my master'sin twenty eleven, so that was you
know, we're with thirteen years ago. And then you know, you know,
(20:00):
the first few years or of yourcareers as a counselor as a therapist
here just basically doing a lot ofcommunity meal health, getting a lot of
experience. But then I started specializingin trauma about two years before his death,
actually got trained in EMDR and lovethat doing a lot of trauma work,
learning about how trauma affects the body, all the stuff, right,
(20:22):
And that's sort of the right theirony you know of like in some ways
I look back and I think,man, like, you know, maybe
something divine was preparing me for whatwas to come, you know that?
And I don't know I say thisto people. I mean, yes,
did having all that knowledge and information, was that to my advantage? Yeah,
to some degree, sure, rightthat I knew what to do.
(20:45):
I knew, you know, sortof the ways that this was affecting me,
and I knew some ways, somehealthy ways to do it and some
not healthy ways to do it.To see that it is rather but it
didn't make the actual doing it anyeasier, right, Like you know,
well, like it's still drama,it's still grief, it's still the journey
of it is still just as hardno matter what. So yeah, yes,
(21:08):
and time can heal, but likeyou said, it can pop out
of nowhere and it's always going tobe there. But the fact that you
had a little bit of training underneathyour belt, and how strange that you
had that field already going, thatis really something to be said. Yeah,
so you're writing a book, yousaid, Yeah, writing a memoir
just about my story, So talkingabout his death, his addiction, and
(21:33):
our marriage, our love story,and then just what it was like to
grieve and be a new mom andthen sort of my happy ending. Wow,
that'll be a great, great book. So you keep us updated when
that comes out. And meanwhile,before I can let you go, I
need to know if there is adare or prank story one you have done
or had done to you, becausewe all want to know yes, yes,
(21:56):
no. I like I said,I was good debating. Okay,
what story do I tell? Ihave a good one? It's it's it's
pretty great. So in college Ilived with five other girls. We rented
a house off campus and I livedwith five girls, which you might think
was a disaster, but it wasactually some of the best time in my
life. Like, we had somuch fun and I'm still such close friends
(22:21):
with every one of those girls.In fact, they all showed up for
me in my time of grief.Wow, that's really cool. Yeah,
I mean, he's later. Butso we we lived in a house of
all girls, which was super funand we you know, had a great
time. So this story happened whenI was living there with them. So
we had five roommates. Two ofthe girls shared the master bedroom, which
(22:42):
was on the first floor. Well, one of the girls that was typically
in that bedroom was gone. She'dspent the night with a friend or I
don't know. I think she waswith her parents. I don't know where
she was. Anyway, she wasn'thome. So then I get woken up
at like one o'clock in the morningbecause my other roommate, the other one
that was downstairs by, comes upand wakes me up, and she's like,
(23:03):
I'm so freaked out, and I'mreally scared. I heard some people
outside. I thought I heard somethinghitting our house. I'm really freaked out.
I'm by myself, and I justthink that she's dreaming or she's like,
oh, you had a bad dream. And so I just said,
well, do you want me tocome downstairs and sleep in Hillary's bed.
She's like, oh, yeah,sure, that'd be good. So I
was like, okay, fine.So again I just think she's making it
up, she had a bad dream, whatever. So I go down there,
(23:25):
I get into bed, we turnoff the lights, and no sooner
have we turned off the lights thatI hear something hitting the house and I
hear people running outside, and atthis point we're like, oh my gosh,
and we are scared for our lives. We crouched down in between these
two little single beds. She grabsher phone and we're about to call the
cops, right, We're about tocall down one one, but then we
(23:45):
remembered we have two other roommates upstairs, and so we said, Okay,
here's the deal. We're going tograb our phone, we're gonna hold onto
each other, and we're gonna runthrough the house as fast as we can
and get everybody in one room.We're gonna lock through our or we're going
to call the cops. So thiswas our plane because we were literally scared
for our lives. Someone's about tobreak into our house and rape and kill
(24:06):
us all. I mean, wewere terrified. We've seen the movies.
Yes, So we're like, okay, ready go, And so we're running
through the house and we run upthe stairs and it was summertime, and
a lot of times in the summertimewe would have the upstairs windows open just
to have air circulation in the house. So we're running up the stairs and
there's a window at the top ofthe stairs that had curtains on it,
but the wind blew just at theright time to where the curtains parted,
(24:32):
and I saw the toilet paper.Oh, I knew exactly what was going
on, that all of our guyfriends had come and pranked and toilet paper
at our house. And so myintense fear turned to intense rage. And
I'd been busted through the door ofmy roommates, my other roommates. It
was fast asleep, and I runto her window, which is on the
(24:53):
front of the house, and Ijust start screaming, and we start seeing
little boys move like ants, andthey are running around and freaking out and
try to pile in their car andzoom off. And then we go downstairs
and they've tied our door shut andwe can't even get out. They thought
of that too. Yes, theyhad put big black trash bags over the
(25:15):
windows, and they had put everywhere, they had, you know, all
kinds of stuff. Ooh, theyliked you, I know. So it
was it was quite dramatic, andit's a funny story because we really thought
we were going to die and thenit was just and you say, you're
still close to those gals. Sodid you all talk about that when we
(25:37):
were all fighting for toilet paper,like dang, we should have saved all
that TP, right, I Ifor years later, I said, So
there was one guy, there waslike five of them that had all piled
up and done this, And therewas one guy out of the five that
came back the next day and helpedus clean up Oh, and to this
day, I'm like, you're theonly one I have respect for all that
(26:00):
those people, all those guys thatcame because he came to help us.
He like got up on the ladderand helped us getting off the roof.
All he's got a good mama.Yes, that is a fantastic story.
I appreciate you sharing your your wholestory. Your book is going to be
one that people will go toward becauseyou know, coming together through grief is
(26:26):
just so different and there really aren'ta lot of words for it. But
when you write your book, beprepared. People are going to want to
share their stories with you. Asyou've already learned, it's kind of interesting
how we seek each other and wewant to share stories. So I really
thank you for sharing yours. Yeah, thank you so much. Thanks for
having me. I appreciate it.Yeah. Well, I'm honored to have
had you on our show today,Lauren Pryor. And remember we can only
(26:51):
be strangers once, and I inviteyou to stay weird awesome. This has
been stranger connections with these
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