March 4, 2025 • 27 mins
Learn about the original 8 love languages from Dr. Judson Swihert, distinguished counselor and author of How Do I Say, "I Love You?"
You may know 5 love languages, but this futurist, humble and curious family therapists originally pioneered eight.
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You may know 5 love languages, but this futurist, humble and curious family therapists originally pioneered eight.
- Time together.
- Touch.
- Words.
- Meeting emotional needs.
- Helping each other.
- Being on the same side.
- Meeting material needs.
- Bringing out the best in each spouse.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/success-made-to-last-legends--4302039/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
And welcome back to our truly significant series.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
This is a part of our success made the Last.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Network, and we are so pleased to get to honor
doctor Judson Swyhart today and upfront, we want to thank
Brian Brunson of Gateway Church in Austin for connecting us
and Judson.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
I think we're going to call you Judd for the day.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Is a distinguished psychologist and author, renowned for his contributions
in marital counseling and family therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Holds a PhD.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
He's dedicated his career to understanding and enhancing interpersonal relationships.
If you haven't read his book, you need to buy
it today. How Do You Say I Love You? It
was a seminal work introducing the concept of eight distinct
love languages.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Providing couples like Carla and me.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
After forty six years, we're still paying attention to it, Judson.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Giving us inside.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
It's a long time, but you've given us kind of
that rudder, along with Jesus himself, this kind of insight
into how we should be expressing our affection effectively.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
So we welcome you, doctor Swhiteheart.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
It's so good to get to talk with you today.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Well, I thank you for having me engaged in this conversation.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Yes, sir, and this will be played as a part
of the interview in the book. Truly significant. And I
would love for you to give some any other information
about where you're from originally, your time in California, and
obviously your career in Manhattan, Kansas.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Well, yes, I grew up actually in northern Indiana, but
then moved away when I went to college, and well,
then served for several years in the military on the
East Coast, and then we moved back to California and
lived there until.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Nineteen eighty one.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
We were in the Los Angeles area in the San
Fernando Valley, and then moved to an old, run down
farm in Kansas and we've lived here ever since then.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Truly amazing.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
And you have been in counseling for how many years?
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Well, I started with my first internship when I was
a graduate school and that would have been between nineteen
sixty five and nineteen sixty seven.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Goodness gracious.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
How many couples do you think you've counseled or people
over the course of that beautiful journey.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
That's a great question. I don't know thousands. I suppose.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
That's truly amazing.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
And then those thousands of people probably counseled thousands of people.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
So you know, you.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Probably don't can't comprehend the ripple effect that you've made,
especially with your book. How do I say I love you?
Let's start with this question, doctor, what inspired this whole
concept of love languages?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Well, again, I was sitting in my office one day
talking with a couple who had been married for almost
twenty years, and she announced that she was filing for divorce.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
He said, I'm getting a divorce.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
And she turned him and said, you've not loved me
in twenty years or almost twenty years. And the husband
was shocked and he said, what what do you mean
I haven't loved you?
Speaker 4 (04:33):
Why do you think I work three jobs?
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Why do you think I buy all that life insurance
for you? And so he was providing her material me, but.
Speaker 4 (04:48):
All she had felt was neglected because he was never
doing He thought he was being very loving. But I said,
oh my, what a tragic because they missed each other.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
And so that's what started look into the idea of
the love languages. And so I have a brother, Phil
who is a psychologist, and I was talking to him
about it, and I said, you know, this is what
I'm observing.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
I said, I was in there. Some materials there out
there somewhere is into something. We have people like this,
and I can't find anything.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
And he said, well, no, I don't. I don't know
anything either that addresses this up. And I said, well,
there should be a book or something on this, and
I remember he said, well, maybe you should write a book.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
I said, well, you know, I'm not a writer.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
I never responded to an author. But then I thinking
about it, and I thought, well, I'm the one who's
doing the needs.
Speaker 4 (06:05):
I'm the one who's interested in this. So I wrote
up a manuscript and submitted.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
It to Inner Varsity Press, and then they published a book.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Hm, and it's a seminal piece of work from our perspective.
Before we go any further, would you be so kind
of just giving us the eight and then we're going
to dissect a couple of them.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
Oh sure, Well, the one of meeting material needs like
the man in the illustration my client.
Speaker 4 (06:46):
But for some people that does speak a lot. I
remember another husband saying to me one time, my wife.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Just keeps wanting me to tell her I love you,
But words don't mean anything.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Is that actions at cattle and so he was speaking
a different language than that.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
One.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Another form of communicating love is helping. I had a
friend who's coming it to be one day he said,
you know, he said, sometimes I just go out and
I help my wife weed and flower a bit. He said,
I don't like that at all at all, but he said, no,
(07:28):
he just feels love when I oh helping with one.
I'm together. We get twenty four hours a day each
of us, and what we do with our time, I
think there's something about our values, and so for some
(07:48):
people the time together is very very important.
Speaker 4 (07:53):
Another one is meeting emotional needs.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
And that's where we respond people when they express emotion,
whether it's joy or whether it's crying, or being open
and vulnerable and with them and sharing our feelings.
Speaker 4 (08:11):
So that's another one. Words words are another one.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
We're thought that words can instill a sense of and
to me, words is kind of an interesting form of
communication or language in that the scientists tell tell us
that that.
Speaker 4 (08:36):
That it's it's uh. It just is an.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Affecting, kind of a precision way of expressing thing. And
then there's touch, which includes hugs and sexual expressions couples and.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
And it's kind of interesting that.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Actually touch a person and change their blood pressure. And
just by taking the cells.
Speaker 4 (09:10):
That we have and.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Putting them in contact with another human. That's another one.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
Being on the same side. Another one that's.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Where we say, I'm on your team, work together in this.
I'm not going to course they do, you know, And
that's important for some folks well to do that.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
And that can be anything.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
I mean, maybe if the wife returns some item to
the store and the clark.
Speaker 4 (09:41):
Doesn't want to take a back for some reason, but.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Then the husband comes along side of her and he
starts trying.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
To reason work so and she just consistance. He's really
on my side. And the eighth one I had was
bringing out the best. That's where you help the person.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
You look at things ways God is gifted them and
ways that they're talented, and you help them to develop
them into a more fuller expression. That could be anything
like you notice that your spouse has artistic ability of
(10:22):
you create space for them to develop them.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Mean recognizing and bringing out the guests that's in the
form of doing this.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yeah, those are the we call those the amazing eight.
Here inside the TOLKINI family, and one of the things
that's kind of underscored and all that is emphasizing the
importance of making your spouse feel significant. And I'd love
for you to comment on what that means to you,
especially today.
Speaker 4 (11:04):
Well, we all grow up in different families and there's
different ways, and I think we're growing up that we
felt significant to someone else or connected emotionally to someone else.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
And I think that varies a bit from family to
family as kind of a developmental.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
Aspect.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
But it's important, I think for husband and why is
to figure out what that looks like to their spouse
and then to be able to relate.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
To them through that particular language.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Yes, sir, one of the questions that my wife wanted
to ask you today was why, in your opinion, is
it so hard for some spouses to receive grace or
even extend grace?
Speaker 3 (12:05):
Oh, your wife has good questions. Yes, I guess I
tend to think that that.
Speaker 4 (12:17):
Some respects the amount of race that.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
We haven't embedded within, and maybe maybe that's sort of
developed over the years. I think all of this is
a process over time, but.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
I think we have to have with grace.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
We've experienced race, and it's about grace to make it.
Speaker 4 (12:52):
To extend that to other people. If we are not,
we make it more difficult perhaps to other people. And
and even receiving it.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
Sometimes people feel like, well, I got fruss.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
This person is showing me grace, but I don't really
trust them in that and how they feel they don't
deserve to receive the grace because that wasn't the.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Way they That has to do with.
Speaker 4 (13:31):
My world.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
Received grace from God.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
Appreciate it and understand that.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
Makes it something that's week and then becomes available people.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yes, sir, without a doubt, hy Jed.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
We're gonna take a quick break here and I'm gonna
throw it to you to give out infnation on your
work with the National Center for Fathering. And I know
that you wrote You've written many books. One of them
was helping children of divorce counseling in times of crises.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Tell us about fathers.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Dot com and why this is something that our nation
needs to pay attention to.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Oh, yes, it's a critical The research on the effects
of fathers.
Speaker 4 (14:28):
Not being involved in the lives of their children just
has so many detrimental.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
That in Canfield at that time was the director of
the National Center for Fathering, and he had asked me
to work with him in looking at some materials for
fathers and developing training programs for.
Speaker 4 (14:54):
Fathering, and.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
So I did that in conjunction with UH with him
and have.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
Not been working on that now for.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
A number of years, I think one era lately, but
that that Simper I know, has produced mendous amounts of
materials and programs for people and for churches that they
(15:27):
can access to help fathers styles that they.
Speaker 4 (15:34):
Have and the types of mothers and helps him be
able to develop small group materials.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
And so there's tremendous resources available for people going to
the website of the materials that.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Are Yeah, and that's fathers dot com.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Okay, very good? That is great.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
I just got a few other questions for you, and
they really pertain to relationships, and let's start with this one.
Carla and I are a part of trying to counsel
singles that are trying to find the right one.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
And I'm wondering.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
What your opinion is on the importance of emotional intelligence
when it comes to singles being properly aligned with each
other kind of triangulated with God.
Speaker 3 (16:54):
Yeah, that's an interesting period to.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
Be working it. I think when my wife and I
got married seven years ago, congrats.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Remember the pastor who was marrying I threw a triangle
where she got up at.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
The point and that us is the two sides, and
he was twenty.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
Now that now the closer you got.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
To the apex at the top of that triangle. Both
of you not only brought you closer to God, that
you brought you closer to each other.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
All of those lives, there's a lot to be said
about emotional intelligence and even sure that you are at
a point emotionally where you can contribute into a marriage
(17:59):
rather than thinking you would get married and that person
would help you to overcome difficult emotions, instead of looking
to them to rescue you or fulfill in your life.
I think it's important for you to be able to say,
(18:20):
what can I bring to this relationship. It requires emotional
stability on.
Speaker 4 (18:29):
The part both people. Sometimes.
Speaker 3 (18:34):
I just a week or so ago, I was talking
to a friend who said, you know, when I was
you know, and looking for a wife, I kept looking
for the right wand and he said, I became so
obsessed with that it just wasn't followed me up, I
(18:56):
couldn't move because I was trying to find the write one.
Speaker 4 (19:03):
And so he said that actually.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
The search for it was find of like you're trying
to find a perfect person and get created a real
thet time in his life. But eventually he did marry
for love and.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
He and who did he find his best friend?
Speaker 4 (19:34):
Common goals for their lives and.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
So a lot of a lot of But I think
as we get married and realize that while there is
a lot of compatibility that we are different people, trying
to learn to relate to the other person shouldn't be communicating.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
You, yes, sir, and sometimes it's maybe about being aligned
that you're both imperfect.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
Yeah, oh my, it's amazing how two imperfect people can
form a relationship and a bond that is strong and
last over the years.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Yes, sir, Your fifty seven years is a testament to that.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
It's it's amazing. Congratulations on that.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Hey, I consider you a futurist. I don't know if
you've been called a futurist lately or not, but you
are to me.
Speaker 4 (20:36):
I don't think so. You may be the first one.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
I'm wondering what when you first develop this and recognize
the pattern. Did you see into the future that some
of these languages may align more with men versus women?
Speaker 4 (20:58):
Well, there, I hadn't really uh thought of that way.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
I know, mend to be more action orient doing things,
and so that may affect some of that.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
I just thought of a lot of it as developmental.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
You know that the way they grew up, that's the
way they tended to.
Speaker 4 (21:29):
Communicate love. But so that.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
The idea that some may apply to men more moved
very well via an important part and something to be developed.
After I written that book, probably five or ten years later,
I shifted my focus.
Speaker 4 (21:57):
Well, as you mentioned, somewhat didn't ended up. I haven't
done a lot of work on this since original original time.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
When Okay, to get the eight languages, I got together
a number of groups of couples and I asked him,
I've been a questionnaire on you know what happens in
your marriage that.
Speaker 4 (22:33):
Uh that produces within you the sense that your love.
Speaker 3 (22:39):
When I took all those responses, I got laid them
out in the pattern, and it just looked to me
as I looked over that there were fusters answers, and
so that's where I got the eight languages. It was
more of a qualitative study where the data you're working
(23:04):
with is is in the form of concepts, rather than
an empirical study where the data is translated into numbers
and then you do comparisons numerical comparison. But so that's
that's where I got those eight languages.
Speaker 4 (23:27):
But I didn't really in all of that. I didn't
really break it out and.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Tried to look at the men's responses compared to the
women's responses, and so anything I had to say about that,
I guess the observation rather than from the qualitative research study.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
I just love that because I think sometimes the best
things in life happen when you just seek first to understand.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Yes, and that's an important part of this whole. I
think you pointed out a critical.
Speaker 4 (24:09):
Area, and that is that we, I think have to
try to seek.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
To understand our spouse's language so we can speak in
his or her language. But it's also really important to
seek to understand what what is it? What is it
(24:34):
that they're saying to us? You know, maybe an illistation
would be like the wife comes home from work, picks
up the kids on the way.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
Home, and and howfold is.
Speaker 5 (24:53):
Technic in the trying to get innerating and the children
and so on, and that's become flying in the door
from work and his schools and clothes in instead of
fixing the leaping boss in the bathroom. And so it's
easy for the wife to say, doesn't he care about
(25:16):
my needs?
Speaker 4 (25:17):
Can't you see what I'm viewing with here? Am I
not important to him?
Speaker 3 (25:22):
But if she can say, well, no, wait a minute,
he's trying to be helpful to the family.
Speaker 4 (25:29):
His flame, his language is meeting material needs and he's
not this he is ignoring my need. He's actually trying
to be loving by helping our family.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
So are she can understand that can change the whole
way she processes.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Oh, so true, So true.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
Doctor, it has been an honor to have you on.
I hope that we can do this again, and you
will be featured in the book truly significant, and your
research and your work will be acknowledged as our section
(26:15):
on love, which I think is the foundation to this
whole thing that God wants us to be doing, which
is to love each other, treat each other as significant,
and to build each other up and find our respective
best versions of ourselves.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
So I'm so grateful to you.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
Oh, I agree with you absolutely, and I thank you
for all.
Speaker 4 (26:45):
Your work that you're doing, making.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
So many lives to these podcasts and writings and things.
I thank you, and I appreciate being a voice and
culture this aspect of law which is so critical.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
Yes, sir, well, thanks again. That was doctor Judson Switeheart.
His book is one that you you must read. In
my opinion, it may be best to read before you
get married, at your first anniversary, your second, all the
way to fifty seven seven our long? How do I
(27:31):
say I love you? It is that important. So anyway,
thank you doctor, and as we always say, folks, we
wish you success, but on your way to your own
unique journey of significance, have a great dam
And welcome back to our truly significant series.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
This is a part of our success made the Last.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Network, and we are so pleased to get to honor
doctor Judson Swyhart today and upfront, we want to thank
Brian Brunson of Gateway Church in Austin for connecting us
and Judson.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
I think we're going to call you Judd for the day.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Is a distinguished psychologist and author, renowned for his contributions
in marital counseling and family therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Holds a PhD.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
He's dedicated his career to understanding and enhancing interpersonal relationships.
If you haven't read his book, you need to buy
it today. How Do You Say I Love You? It
was a seminal work introducing the concept of eight distinct
love languages.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Providing couples like Carla and me.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
After forty six years, we're still paying attention to it, Judson.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Giving us inside.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
It's a long time, but you've given us kind of
that rudder, along with Jesus himself, this kind of insight
into how we should be expressing our affection effectively.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
So we welcome you, doctor Swhiteheart.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
It's so good to get to talk with you today.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Well, I thank you for having me engaged in this conversation.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
Yes, sir, and this will be played as a part
of the interview in the book. Truly significant. And I
would love for you to give some any other information
about where you're from originally, your time in California, and
obviously your career in Manhattan, Kansas.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Well, yes, I grew up actually in northern Indiana, but
then moved away when I went to college, and well,
then served for several years in the military on the
East Coast, and then we moved back to California and
lived there until.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Nineteen eighty one.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
We were in the Los Angeles area in the San
Fernando Valley, and then moved to an old, run down
farm in Kansas and we've lived here ever since then.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Truly amazing.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
And you have been in counseling for how many years?
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Well, I started with my first internship when I was
a graduate school and that would have been between nineteen
sixty five and nineteen sixty seven.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Goodness gracious.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
How many couples do you think you've counseled or people
over the course of that beautiful journey.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
That's a great question. I don't know thousands. I suppose.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
That's truly amazing.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
And then those thousands of people probably counseled thousands of people.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
So you know, you.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Probably don't can't comprehend the ripple effect that you've made,
especially with your book. How do I say I love you?
Let's start with this question, doctor, what inspired this whole
concept of love languages?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
Well, again, I was sitting in my office one day
talking with a couple who had been married for almost
twenty years, and she announced that she was filing for divorce.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
He said, I'm getting a divorce.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
And she turned him and said, you've not loved me
in twenty years or almost twenty years. And the husband
was shocked and he said, what what do you mean
I haven't loved you?
Speaker 4 (04:33):
Why do you think I work three jobs?
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Why do you think I buy all that life insurance
for you? And so he was providing her material me, but.
Speaker 4 (04:48):
All she had felt was neglected because he was never
doing He thought he was being very loving. But I said,
oh my, what a tragic because they missed each other.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
And so that's what started look into the idea of
the love languages. And so I have a brother, Phil
who is a psychologist, and I was talking to him
about it, and I said, you know, this is what
I'm observing.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
I said, I was in there. Some materials there out
there somewhere is into something. We have people like this,
and I can't find anything.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
And he said, well, no, I don't. I don't know
anything either that addresses this up. And I said, well,
there should be a book or something on this, and
I remember he said, well, maybe you should write a book.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
I said, well, you know, I'm not a writer.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
I never responded to an author. But then I thinking
about it, and I thought, well, I'm the one who's
doing the needs.
Speaker 4 (06:05):
I'm the one who's interested in this. So I wrote
up a manuscript and submitted.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
It to Inner Varsity Press, and then they published a book.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Hm, and it's a seminal piece of work from our perspective.
Before we go any further, would you be so kind
of just giving us the eight and then we're going
to dissect a couple of them.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
Oh sure, Well, the one of meeting material needs like
the man in the illustration my client.
Speaker 4 (06:46):
But for some people that does speak a lot. I
remember another husband saying to me one time, my wife.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Just keeps wanting me to tell her I love you,
But words don't mean anything.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Is that actions at cattle and so he was speaking
a different language than that.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
One.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Another form of communicating love is helping. I had a
friend who's coming it to be one day he said,
you know, he said, sometimes I just go out and
I help my wife weed and flower a bit. He said,
I don't like that at all at all, but he said, no,
(07:28):
he just feels love when I oh helping with one.
I'm together. We get twenty four hours a day each
of us, and what we do with our time, I
think there's something about our values, and so for some
(07:48):
people the time together is very very important.
Speaker 4 (07:53):
Another one is meeting emotional needs.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
And that's where we respond people when they express emotion,
whether it's joy or whether it's crying, or being open
and vulnerable and with them and sharing our feelings.
Speaker 4 (08:11):
So that's another one. Words words are another one.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
We're thought that words can instill a sense of and
to me, words is kind of an interesting form of
communication or language in that the scientists tell tell us
that that.
Speaker 4 (08:36):
That it's it's uh. It just is an.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Affecting, kind of a precision way of expressing thing. And
then there's touch, which includes hugs and sexual expressions couples and.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
And it's kind of interesting that.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Actually touch a person and change their blood pressure. And
just by taking the cells.
Speaker 4 (09:10):
That we have and.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Putting them in contact with another human. That's another one.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
Being on the same side. Another one that's.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Where we say, I'm on your team, work together in this.
I'm not going to course they do, you know, And
that's important for some folks well to do that.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
And that can be anything.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
I mean, maybe if the wife returns some item to
the store and the clark.
Speaker 4 (09:41):
Doesn't want to take a back for some reason, but.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Then the husband comes along side of her and he
starts trying.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
To reason work so and she just consistance. He's really
on my side. And the eighth one I had was
bringing out the best. That's where you help the person.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
You look at things ways God is gifted them and
ways that they're talented, and you help them to develop
them into a more fuller expression. That could be anything
like you notice that your spouse has artistic ability of
(10:22):
you create space for them to develop them.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Mean recognizing and bringing out the guests that's in the
form of doing this.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yeah, those are the we call those the amazing eight.
Here inside the TOLKINI family, and one of the things
that's kind of underscored and all that is emphasizing the
importance of making your spouse feel significant. And I'd love
for you to comment on what that means to you,
especially today.
Speaker 4 (11:04):
Well, we all grow up in different families and there's
different ways, and I think we're growing up that we
felt significant to someone else or connected emotionally to someone else.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
And I think that varies a bit from family to
family as kind of a developmental.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
Aspect.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
But it's important, I think for husband and why is
to figure out what that looks like to their spouse
and then to be able to relate.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
To them through that particular language.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Yes, sir, one of the questions that my wife wanted
to ask you today was why, in your opinion, is
it so hard for some spouses to receive grace or
even extend grace?
Speaker 3 (12:05):
Oh, your wife has good questions. Yes, I guess I
tend to think that that.
Speaker 4 (12:17):
Some respects the amount of race that.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
We haven't embedded within, and maybe maybe that's sort of
developed over the years. I think all of this is
a process over time, but.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
I think we have to have with grace.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
We've experienced race, and it's about grace to make it.
Speaker 4 (12:52):
To extend that to other people. If we are not,
we make it more difficult perhaps to other people. And
and even receiving it.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
Sometimes people feel like, well, I got fruss.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
This person is showing me grace, but I don't really
trust them in that and how they feel they don't
deserve to receive the grace because that wasn't the.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Way they That has to do with.
Speaker 4 (13:31):
My world.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
Received grace from God.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
Appreciate it and understand that.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
Makes it something that's week and then becomes available people.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yes, sir, without a doubt, hy Jed.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
We're gonna take a quick break here and I'm gonna
throw it to you to give out infnation on your
work with the National Center for Fathering. And I know
that you wrote You've written many books. One of them
was helping children of divorce counseling in times of crises.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Tell us about fathers.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Dot com and why this is something that our nation
needs to pay attention to.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Oh, yes, it's a critical The research on the effects
of fathers.
Speaker 4 (14:28):
Not being involved in the lives of their children just
has so many detrimental.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
That in Canfield at that time was the director of
the National Center for Fathering, and he had asked me
to work with him in looking at some materials for
fathers and developing training programs for.
Speaker 4 (14:54):
Fathering, and.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
So I did that in conjunction with UH with him
and have.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
Not been working on that now for.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
A number of years, I think one era lately, but
that that Simper I know, has produced mendous amounts of
materials and programs for people and for churches that they
(15:27):
can access to help fathers styles that they.
Speaker 4 (15:34):
Have and the types of mothers and helps him be
able to develop small group materials.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
And so there's tremendous resources available for people going to
the website of the materials that.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Are Yeah, and that's fathers dot com.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Okay, very good? That is great.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
I just got a few other questions for you, and
they really pertain to relationships, and let's start with this one.
Carla and I are a part of trying to counsel
singles that are trying to find the right one.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
And I'm wondering.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
What your opinion is on the importance of emotional intelligence
when it comes to singles being properly aligned with each
other kind of triangulated with God.
Speaker 3 (16:54):
Yeah, that's an interesting period to.
Speaker 4 (16:58):
Be working it. I think when my wife and I
got married seven years ago, congrats.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Remember the pastor who was marrying I threw a triangle
where she got up at.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
The point and that us is the two sides, and
he was twenty.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
Now that now the closer you got.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
To the apex at the top of that triangle. Both
of you not only brought you closer to God, that
you brought you closer to each other.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
All of those lives, there's a lot to be said
about emotional intelligence and even sure that you are at
a point emotionally where you can contribute into a marriage
(17:59):
rather than thinking you would get married and that person
would help you to overcome difficult emotions, instead of looking
to them to rescue you or fulfill in your life.
I think it's important for you to be able to say,
(18:20):
what can I bring to this relationship. It requires emotional
stability on.
Speaker 4 (18:29):
The part both people. Sometimes.
Speaker 3 (18:34):
I just a week or so ago, I was talking
to a friend who said, you know, when I was
you know, and looking for a wife, I kept looking
for the right wand and he said, I became so
obsessed with that it just wasn't followed me up, I
(18:56):
couldn't move because I was trying to find the write one.
Speaker 4 (19:03):
And so he said that actually.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
The search for it was find of like you're trying
to find a perfect person and get created a real
thet time in his life. But eventually he did marry
for love and.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
He and who did he find his best friend?
Speaker 4 (19:34):
Common goals for their lives and.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
So a lot of a lot of But I think
as we get married and realize that while there is
a lot of compatibility that we are different people, trying
to learn to relate to the other person shouldn't be communicating.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
You, yes, sir, and sometimes it's maybe about being aligned
that you're both imperfect.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
Yeah, oh my, it's amazing how two imperfect people can
form a relationship and a bond that is strong and
last over the years.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Yes, sir, Your fifty seven years is a testament to that.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
It's it's amazing. Congratulations on that.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Hey, I consider you a futurist. I don't know if
you've been called a futurist lately or not, but you
are to me.
Speaker 4 (20:36):
I don't think so. You may be the first one.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
I'm wondering what when you first develop this and recognize
the pattern. Did you see into the future that some
of these languages may align more with men versus women?
Speaker 4 (20:58):
Well, there, I hadn't really uh thought of that way.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
I know, mend to be more action orient doing things,
and so that may affect some of that.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
I just thought of a lot of it as developmental.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
You know that the way they grew up, that's the
way they tended to.
Speaker 4 (21:29):
Communicate love. But so that.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
The idea that some may apply to men more moved
very well via an important part and something to be developed.
After I written that book, probably five or ten years later,
I shifted my focus.
Speaker 4 (21:57):
Well, as you mentioned, somewhat didn't ended up. I haven't
done a lot of work on this since original original time.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
When Okay, to get the eight languages, I got together
a number of groups of couples and I asked him,
I've been a questionnaire on you know what happens in
your marriage that.
Speaker 4 (22:33):
Uh that produces within you the sense that your love.
Speaker 3 (22:39):
When I took all those responses, I got laid them
out in the pattern, and it just looked to me
as I looked over that there were fusters answers, and
so that's where I got the eight languages. It was
more of a qualitative study where the data you're working
(23:04):
with is is in the form of concepts, rather than
an empirical study where the data is translated into numbers
and then you do comparisons numerical comparison. But so that's
that's where I got those eight languages.
Speaker 4 (23:27):
But I didn't really in all of that. I didn't
really break it out and.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Tried to look at the men's responses compared to the
women's responses, and so anything I had to say about that,
I guess the observation rather than from the qualitative research study.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
I just love that because I think sometimes the best
things in life happen when you just seek first to understand.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Yes, and that's an important part of this whole. I
think you pointed out a critical.
Speaker 4 (24:09):
Area, and that is that we, I think have to
try to seek.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
To understand our spouse's language so we can speak in
his or her language. But it's also really important to
seek to understand what what is it? What is it
(24:34):
that they're saying to us? You know, maybe an illistation
would be like the wife comes home from work, picks
up the kids on the way.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
Home, and and howfold is.
Speaker 5 (24:53):
Technic in the trying to get innerating and the children
and so on, and that's become flying in the door
from work and his schools and clothes in instead of
fixing the leaping boss in the bathroom. And so it's
easy for the wife to say, doesn't he care about
(25:16):
my needs?
Speaker 4 (25:17):
Can't you see what I'm viewing with here? Am I
not important to him?
Speaker 3 (25:22):
But if she can say, well, no, wait a minute,
he's trying to be helpful to the family.
Speaker 4 (25:29):
His flame, his language is meeting material needs and he's
not this he is ignoring my need. He's actually trying
to be loving by helping our family.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
So are she can understand that can change the whole
way she processes.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Oh, so true, So true.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
Doctor, it has been an honor to have you on.
I hope that we can do this again, and you
will be featured in the book truly significant, and your
research and your work will be acknowledged as our section
(26:15):
on love, which I think is the foundation to this
whole thing that God wants us to be doing, which
is to love each other, treat each other as significant,
and to build each other up and find our respective
best versions of ourselves.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
So I'm so grateful to you.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
Oh, I agree with you absolutely, and I thank you
for all.
Speaker 4 (26:45):
Your work that you're doing, making.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
So many lives to these podcasts and writings and things.
I thank you, and I appreciate being a voice and
culture this aspect of law which is so critical.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
Yes, sir, well, thanks again. That was doctor Judson Switeheart.
His book is one that you you must read. In
my opinion, it may be best to read before you
get married, at your first anniversary, your second, all the
way to fifty seven seven our long? How do I
(27:31):
say I love you? It is that important. So anyway,
thank you doctor, and as we always say, folks, we
wish you success, but on your way to your own
unique journey of significance, have a great dam
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