December 5, 2025 • 44 mins
TrulySignificant.com honors Dr. Stewart Perrilliat Sr. founder of Man 2 Man - Urban Youth Advocate. He leads this significant, faith based organization dedicated to restoring men and empowering fathers to lead their families with integrity and strength. With decades of experience serving within correctional systems and community initiatives,, Dr. Perrilliat continues to champion a message of healing, accountability and transformation.
Purchase The ManBook today and support this truly significant movement by contributing whatever moves your heart to www.man2man-uya.org.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/success-made-to-last-legends--4302039/support.
Purchase The ManBook today and support this truly significant movement by contributing whatever moves your heart to www.man2man-uya.org.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/success-made-to-last-legends--4302039/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
And welcome back to truly Significant dot com presents. This
is our success made to last Legend's version, and we
have on a wonderful gas. It's doctor Stuart Parrelliate. He
is the founder of Man to Man Urban Youth Alliance,
a faith based organization dedicated to restoring men and empowering
(00:32):
fathers to lead their families with integrity and strength. With
decades of experience serving within correctional systems and community initiatives,
Stuart continues to champion a message of healing, accountability and transformation.
A Doctor Stuart Parrelliate, we are honored to have you
(00:58):
on today's program to sell, lebrate your career, and to
talk about what we think is maybe one of the
most significant topics in our lifetime.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Thank you, Rick for letting me be on your show.
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Yes, sir, our listening audience always loves to hear backstories,
and so I want you to take the podium and
tell us your backstory, including where you're from originally in
a little bit about your childhood.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Okay, Yeah, I'm from Oakland, California, born and raised. I
grew up with three I was three boys all together.
I am the youngest of the three Oakland's or a
rough place where we grew up. Growing up in elementary school,
(01:57):
it was pretty diversified because we had four military bases
at that time and in a lot of you know
self businesses and things. When I got to high school,
the fast forward it became what we call the murder
capital and a lot of drugs, a lot of killings,
(02:19):
a lot of homicides. And the way that I got
into this work was because I could experience and relate
to what these individuals were going through, because those were
people that I grew up with were in San Quentin.
(02:40):
I started playing basketball against the inmates in nineteen ninety five,
and when I was playing basketball with them, I should
say the incarcerated population. They don't use that work inmate anymore.
But as I was playing basketball there, I noticed there
was quite a bit of people that I knew that
(03:02):
was in San Quentin, not to mention others that was
from eastt Okland as well. And so a lot of
these guys grew up without dads, which is one of
the things that we really focuses on. Man the Man
is a fatherhood advocacy, support and training program. First, because
(03:23):
we noticed that ninety percent of our social idios comes
from fatherless homes, and that's boys and girls, and they
say that one out of nine. I think inmates that
in prison. I grew up with, you know, without two
family homes. And so this is something that I was
(03:44):
trying to really wrap my head around. It's man to man.
Urban Youth Advocate was the nonprofit, and I was thinking
that we really need to focus on how we can
reach our youth. But I started, we're writing my thesis
on disadvantage Urban youth in East Oakland went back to
(04:06):
the nineteen forties, trying to figure out how this was
such a diversified place with all these businesses of Sunshine Cookies,
mother Goose Cookies. We had potato chip factories, we had
car factories, manufacturers, I mean you name. We had you know,
(04:27):
the Warriors, the Raiders, We had the Oakland A's which
won you know, three years in a row. I mean
it was. It was a thriving community. And then now
even around we have now no professional team. We don't
have the Raiders anymore, we don't have the Golden State Warriors,
and we don't have the A's anymore. People are still
(04:50):
killing and still having this issue, and so I'm thinking, Okay,
I'm gonna, you know, really find a way to develop
a program for these youth. And then when I started
working on my dissertation, I had everything done, Rick, I mean, basically,
all I had to do was come up with I've
already talked about the problem, so now all they needed
(05:13):
to do was come up with a solution. And when
I was writing my dissertation, I realized everything started pointing
back to the dash.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Indeed, and maybe it's because you. You were hovering over
the entire ecosystem and the city and the geography, and
something something called you to what we consider being the
one of the hottest topics in our lifetime. So I'm
(05:49):
going to dive into some of the questions that I
shared with you ahead of time, and let's start with this.
When you spent over three decades mentoring inside prisons in
and underserved communities, what moment of experience, not just that
writing the thesis, but the moment of experience that led
(06:10):
you to write the Man book and launched this national tour.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
That's a really good question. I was actually writing another book, Rick,
and it was in the editor's hand, which was my dissertation,
were converting it into a book and just had a
graduation at San Quentin, and an incarcerated person from Ironwood Prison,
(06:37):
which is deep south almost Arizona, wrote me a letter
and said, I read an article from the famous San
Quentin prison about your man Man program and your Fatherhood program.
I want everything that you have because I'm having an
issue with my son. I can use some of the
(07:00):
classes that you're teaching, and we didn't have correspondence course.
Now Ironwood Prison rick is not san Quentin. San Quentin
has been changed from san Quentin State Prison to San
Quentin Rehabilitation Center, so it's a Californian project Ironwood Prison
(07:22):
because it's so far out, they do not have people
like saying San Quentin has over five thousand volunteers, so
they don't have people coming in providing services there. And
so that's when we came up with the Man Book.
It's the whole curriculum that we teach at San Quentin,
but it's in a workbook. So it's five books, you know,
(07:47):
compartialized into one book with you know, questions and answers
and then so they can fill out one talk about
the emotional intelligence. They could talk talk about conflict resolution,
and they can take the test, send it back to us.
We're graded, and then they can go on to the
(08:08):
next curriculum or cohort and they can get a certificate
for each one of those that they have completed.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
How are you assessing emotional intelligence?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
How am I assessing emotional intelligence? We take a survey
from the beginning, and this is allowing us to see
where they are. And then when they go through the program,
they take that same survey assessment and that shows us
where they have, you know, what they have learned they
(08:46):
can go from. Let me give you an example. When
we talk about emotional intelligence. We talk in our class,
we talk about an IQ and in the ESI emotional
social intelligence IQ. This is something that you are natural with.
Emotional social intelligence is something that you can learn and
(09:06):
you can improve on that as you continue to learn.
So you could take we have a test, we have
an assessment test, and they can keep taking that test
and they can keep improving on that test board, which
means they can also improve on the ESI.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Very good. Describe to our listening audience the size of
the market of of incarcerated individuals and then start to
draw concentric circles around at Stewart to say, this is
the size of the immediate families that know the incarcerated,
(09:48):
and then an outside circle that says, here's the cousins
and the next level of relatives and then the friends
of the incarcerated. What would what would those numbers sound
like and look like today?
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Who? That's a loaded question. What I can say is
I was doing the Fatherhood documentary, and in that documentary
we talked to those that were incarcerated in terms of
how did they land in prison? And I was able
(10:24):
to and this is just one example. I was able
to interview a grandfather, a son, and a grandson all
in the same prison I have. It's not unheard of.
They have a father and a son in my class.
You know, they both are taking my class and they're
(10:47):
in prison. And cousins and nephews. I don't know what
that number is, but I can tell you that it's
a generational thing where and that's why we're trying to
stop when we say this fatherhood peace, which that's the
root cause we're not trying to do the band aid.
(11:08):
We we're and I love what you said earlier, because
that ecosystem is what I talk about on a daily basis,
because that is what's going to really actually change our families,
our children, our community, because if we can get the
fathers involved and give them the set of skills that
(11:30):
they should have gotten if they had dads, but they
got a bad foundation, and it's not really good in
terms of what they've learned because they've learned how to survive,
but they have not learned how to be human, which
means they have emotions, they're vulnerable, they have anxiety, you know,
(11:50):
they have depression, you know, but they don't know how
to talk about that, so they don't know how to
communicate on those things, which is why these family after
families after families. Let me give you another example. So
there was a father and son that was in prison.
The guy talked about this. He said that he hadn't
(12:11):
seen the son since his son was six months old.
His sister called him to tell him that his son
was coming to see him, not coming to visit him,
but to come there as an inmate. He had no
clue what he looked like, and finally he got a
(12:33):
chance to meet him and begin to try to parent
him while they both was incarcerating, and what he found
out was what caused him to get incarcerated was he
was hanging with the same kids of the father who
his father was associating with. They caused him to be incarcerated.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
That is an incredible example of the generations and how
things can continue unless something happens to stop it. You
may have already answered this, but let's take another swing
at it. Significance often comes from seeing the unseen impact
(13:24):
in your years of experiencing your job and what I
would call a ministry. Give me an example of one
of those most quietly powerful transformations that you've actually witnessed
in men and in the fathers themselves.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
That's a great question these men have understood. Well, let
me back up. Most of these men have trust issues.
So it's really hard art to win them because they've
been hurt, they've dealt with trauma, they've dealt with killings, murders,
(14:07):
I mean, you name it. And they have abandonment issues,
they have rejection issues. So for me to come in
as a stranger, I have to set the tone so
that they feel safe, that it's a safe environment. So
at every class I let them know that if anybody
(14:28):
ridicules makes fun of anybody laughs at anybody, then you
are automatically terminated from the program and you can never
come back. What that does is that creates that environment
where they can at least feel safe with that said,
you asked me about a particular situation. There was a
(14:52):
guy that came in and he told me, he said,
doctor p He says, my life and my family's life
has always been dysfunctional. He says, you don't know what
I've been through. He was a Hispanic guy and he
said the whole time. Now this is doing the fatherhood class. Now, Rick,
(15:18):
there's five different cohorts and they just go one after another.
They don't have to re sign up for another Man
in Man class. We teach a domestic violin's fatherhood. We
teach emotional intelligence men and emotions conflict resolutions. But this
particular class was a fatherhood class. And this guy was
sitting in there and it dawned on him that all
(15:42):
of his childhood trauma occurred because he didn't have a father,
and he cried the entire class. When the class was over,
everybody was leaving. I asked him, I said, come here.
I said, no, I know you would want to leave
(16:03):
and never come back, I said, but keep coming. I said,
something's happening. I said, and I don't want you to feel, oh,
you got me in here, you know, like a little girl,
or you got me you know the words whatever they
would use. And I said, no, you're human and you
have emotions, and it's okay to express those emotions. And
(16:27):
that I think was a breakthrough for him. I think,
and there's many men that you asked about, you know
the change. I have several support letters of how this
has really transd these classes, has transformed these men's lives. Yesterday,
(16:47):
a guy just finished the domestic bonds class. He wasn't
in prison, but he was in jail multiple times from
San Francisco. And I had to kick him out of
my domestic violence class because he wasn't paying and he
wasn't attending regularly. But then I let him come back.
His probation officer reached out to me. I allowed him
(17:11):
to come back, and he did complete the class. He said, yesterday,
he said, my birthday was the day after Thanksgiving. He says,
my ex wife cooked me dinner and said, we're not
celebrating your birthday, we're celebrating the fact that you completed
(17:34):
fifty two weeks of the domestic violence class. This was
his third domestic violence class that he has tried to complete.
He says, she told him, I don't know who's the
person who's teaching the class, but he is doing a
remarkable job. You are calm when you talk. You don't
get angry. She said, you are a completely different person.
(18:00):
And I've seen this man get emotional and cry, you
know when you know, being in this class and said,
I'm not afraid to cry. You know, I'm not afraid
to share what's going on in my life because I
know that I'm being changed and I don't want to
be that old person that I used to be.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
One a beautiful example. Thank you for that, Steward. It's
a nice segue into telling our listening audience where they
can learn about man to Man and buy your books
and start to discover the man book.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Absolutely, we are getting ready to go on a national
book tour, so our goal is to hit every city
every state in the United States starting in January. Well
we're starting actually next month and in Sarcolito, californ On
(19:00):
you which is close to the Golden Gate Bridge. You
can go on to our website which is Man m
A n number two m A n u y a
dot org. That's Man to Man dash u ya dot org.
(19:22):
And you can get the book there. You can learn
more about what it is that we do. You can
follow us there because also the whole book tour, we
may even be going to your city, your state. Now,
the way this book tour is set up is that
(19:42):
we will go to let's say we'll go to Washington,
d C. I would teach in Washington, d C. A
two week two weeks, a two day workshop at a church.
And so what we're trying to do is get multiple
churches to come together so we can help with their
men's industry that I can train. There's a train the
(20:03):
trainer of this book, so I can train them how
to teach these men how to you know, to walk
through this book. Also, if they want to do a
prison ministry, we can teach them how to do the
same thing. It's it's more like a franchise, but it's
it's not so much of just to make the money.
(20:23):
All the proceeds go back to Man and man, but
it's keeping We know what works, and so as long
as you do what is required in the book, you'll
keep seeing the results. We don't want people to just
take the book and say, oh, we got it and
then just you know, do whatever they want to do
and then say oh Man and Man doesn't work. So
(20:45):
you know that's that's one of the ways that they
can get it. They can go on our website. There's
a QR code and I can send you that QR code.
I didn't bring it because I didn't know I was
going to ask that question, but I can send that
to you Rick if you like.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
That would be great, excellent, And again that is folks,
go to m AN the number two m A N
dash u ya dot org. That's Man to Man dashuya
dot org. Today we will be rought back with doctor
Stewart Perelliot after this quick message.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
This is Marcus Aurelius reappearing to proclaim that truly significant
conversations with big hearted people is a rare piece of literature.
This book reminds me of one of my more stirring quotes,
Waste no more time arguing what a good man should
be b one.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
If you're stepping into your next.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Life chapter of your career and questioning.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
What lies beyond success, this book is for you.
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Dive into forty stirring stories from luminaries like doctor Jane Goodall,
Ed Asner, and Emily Chang, stories that urge you to
pursue purpose, serve others, and build a legacy.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
That outlasts you.
Speaker 5 (22:16):
Authored by Rick Tolkiney, Truly Significant will challenge your view
of success and ignite a life of impact.
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Order now at TinyURL dot com, backslash truly Significant and
begin living intentionally.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Maybe your epitaph will read.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
She gave outrageously extended grace unceasingly and lived to help
others so that death found her empty.
Speaker 4 (22:49):
Visit truly significant dot com and celebrate the most truly
significant people in your life with the truly Significant community.
How bold of you to make your next chapter matter
and be truly significant to me?
Speaker 1 (23:06):
And we are back with doctor Stuart Perelliot and he
is the founder of Man to man It's Urban Youth Alliance,
a faith based organization dedicated to restoring men and empowering
fathers to lead their families. It's obvious by now the
reason why you're on this show because we highlight and
(23:28):
feature people that have moved from success to significance. And
you're definitely in that zone of significance making a bigger
difference out there. I wonder if you could advise our
listening audience from the nonprofit world and give them some
insights on how do you light the match behind a
(23:52):
movement and then what's required to get people really engaged
and get it burning in their hearts. They go out
and they take the action of significance and love forward.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Sure, you know, it's difficult to run a nonprofit. When
you say nonprofit, many times people think it's free. But
it can't be free because the lights, the rent, workers
comp the liability insurance, the payroll. You know it is,
(24:32):
it has to be paid. Not to mention that. It's
not a lot of money into nonprofits, so you have
to be passionate about it. I'm a man of faith.
I'm a pastor as well. I'm a more dang minister.
So I believe in the power of God and the
power of prayer. I believe this is what God created
(24:55):
me to do. So I received a letter from I'm
one of the incarcerated populations. I've read it the other
day and it basically said, you could make millions of
dollars of what you're doing in the sake of the world.
But you chose to work with people to make boys men.
When you're passionate about something like this and you have
(25:18):
that passion and you know your call to do it,
I just believe that God would provide for you. He
said that he would provide for your every need according
to His riches and glory. So if you have needs,
I believe that God would do it, especially when it
lies to his will and his purpose. And so I
know they can be very frustrating because you have to
(25:40):
be disciplined in terms of doing a movement like this,
because you may get some money today and that money
has to last you until the next time that you
get a paycheck, and you don't know when that next
time is going to be. But you can't. I mean,
although I say the services are not free, Rick, we
don't turn anybody away. If people come and they say
(26:01):
they don't have the money, we can't say, well, we
can't serve you. Our purpose is to serve everybody that
comes through the door. And you know, God has been
faithful in terms of meeting our needs. We haven't had
our lights cut off, we haven't missed the rent check,
and our employees are still getting paid. Now, I'll tell
you this much. They don't get paid before we get paid.
(26:24):
So a lot of times we don't get paid. But
everyone who's working for man and man, they can never
say that they've never received the check or that their
check was late.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
That's outstanding. And so I will make the appeal to
our listening audience those that want to contribute. And maybe
you don't have the skill set that doctor Stuart Perelliot
has in his team, but maybe you've got the resources.
So consider the time, talent and treasures that God has
(26:58):
given you. And you know at the back of our book,
this book is an assessment on your purpose in life.
And there's a grid back there that says, basically, what
can you contribute? So what if you decided to contribute
to man Demand Dashuya dot org today and you were
(27:22):
quietly supporting this ministry to reshape the men of the
future and the husbands of the future, and the dads
and the grandfathers out there, that's a way for you
to be significant. It's not a lot of money, but
think about if there are millions of people that contributed
to this. So I think it's it's extraordinarily important to
(27:47):
continue to make that appeal. I wonder in your studies
and in your lifetime of comparisons that we can make
with other generational issues and how someone broke from the
(28:07):
bondage of generational issues to be free of that and
to go out and be the next new generation with
a new look and a new feeling and attitude and
almost fearlessness. So are there other examples of how these
(28:28):
people have broken from the bondage of what you've described
and moved on to other things in their life of
greater positivity.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Absolutely. We have a gentleman named Jonathan the Mimes. I
spent thirty three and a half years in prison. He's
been with us. He's been out now for a year
and a half. He has another half year before he
can be on probation. Jonathan is a community health worker.
(29:01):
He's also our pair of legal. He learned how to
be a pair of legal when he was in prison.
And he is a very humble man. But when you
asked that he went in for murder, and it's really
unfortunate because he had a public defender who came out
(29:23):
of college that really didn't know what he was doing,
and he didn't state all of the facts and he
served thirty three years in prison. Now he is doing
very well, you know, no problems with drugs. His probation
(29:43):
officers didn't even come to see him anymore. Used to
make him you know, urine in the bottle, make sure
that he wasn't positive on you know, drugs, and you know,
would pop up on the job unexpectedly. And when he
begin to see his life and begin to see what
he was doing, he said, they don't even bother me anymore.
(30:06):
I'll give you another one. There's a guy when he
first started taking our domestic violence class. He's been in
and out of jail and you know, didn't have a dad.
Fought a lot. His brother's in prison as well, because
he told me, you know, my brother can benefit from this.
But you know, we went down. He said, I had
(30:29):
the court date last. We went to the court and
advocated for him. The judge locked him up. But the
judge told me, he said, I really believe well, he said,
I really appreciate your services, doctor p. But we don't
know what we're going to do with this individual because
he missed his dates for his probation. He says, we
(30:55):
put a plan together. So I started to tell him
a plan that I had and it's just whatever I
told him, he didn't do it. So the public defender
that was there, we went upstairs, met with this guy's
probation officer, came up with a plan, submitted the plan
to the judge at two pm that day. They released
(31:18):
him that night, which they were trying to keep him
for ninety days in prison, I mean in jail. And
so this guy that won his heart and he understands
that he's not alone, and he's already shared that. Even
his probation officer said, I see the changes in him.
(31:40):
You know, it's it's it's not hard for these men
to change when they have something to work with. It's
the only way that we can cause these men to
change is to change their mind. If we can change
their mind, we can change their behavior. You know, the
(32:03):
Bible says that we can't confirm conform to this world,
but we have to be transformed by the renewing of
our minds. And that's what happens here. Every man that
we come into contact with is different. But if we
can change their mind, we can transform their life. And
(32:28):
I mean, there's so many support letters that we have
that men are saying we want to work with you.
We trained men in prison through this Man Book so
that they can be facilitators and that when they come
out they can begin to work with Man and Man
because they said, this is the only thing I could
(32:49):
I know that I could do. I can do this
docupe And so you know, there's there's murderers, I mean,
people that have cut their wives up, and I know
it's kind of graphic to talk about, but when we
get down to the root cause it was some unresolved
issues there and they said they were okay, but then
(33:11):
something else triggered them that was not dealt with before
and they didn't know how to use skills that they
have now, and so what they did was they reverted to,
you know, violence, And so we had the border parole hearing.
(33:31):
This is this is one. We had the border parole hearing.
I guess when these guys get ready to get out,
they go to the board and the board parole hearing.
Here's you know, how many classes they've taken, you know,
have they been in trouble? Are they ready to be
transitioned back into society. And what they kept saying was
(33:55):
I want to go to Man and Man I want
to go back to Man and Man when I get out.
So I guess they say, well, what is this man
and man because we don't know who man and Man is.
So they came and sat in Man the Man class
and heard the stories and saw the transitions and the
transformation in terms of these people's lives that you know.
(34:16):
And I asked them because I didn't want them to
be trying to say things that was you know what
they knew. These people wanted to hear, so they would
ask me some things. I would put them on the
spot because they've been in the class, so I'm gonna
see if they really are changed are they just saying it?
And so I remember a gentleman was telling me about
(34:39):
his life and how he had changed, and I said, well,
you know what's different now? Then before he says what's
different now is I realized that I have a problem.
And I realized that the problem is me and no
one made me to commit the crime that I committed.
It was me. I was selfish, and that's the kind
(35:02):
of stuff that we, you know, we have to get
them to first understand that they do have a problem
and that they have to be willing to be held
a combo and to take the time to put into
work to make the change. Because I tell them all
the time, Rick, if you in this class just to
(35:22):
get credit, because they get credit they towards their probation.
If they come to my class, it's called rat credit,
I said. If you're here it just to get rat credits,
you're in the wrong class, I said. But if you
hear it to say that you honestly want to change
your life, and you want to change your community, and
you want to change your children's life, then I'm going
to help you, I said, But you still have to
(35:43):
do the work.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Absolutely, You've said so many brilliant things today, I'm going
to try to recast it into a final question. If
a man grew up without a dad, and.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
He has.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Found his way into being incarcerated, and he has built
in trust issues, abandonment and feels unsafe, how in the
world do you train the trainers so they can help
(36:31):
people with their trust issues, their abandonment issues, and eventually
feel safe enough to be able to embrace the very
curriculum that you're teaching.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
It takes time. I'd always tell people, I said, time
is your best friend, and you know I've taught classes
with the worst of the worst, and they're in there
and they don't want to hear anything. They're just there
for the purpose of getting whatever they need. But as
they see are they here, that's me, are something that
(37:08):
has caused them to say, there's something wrong I need
to change are We talk about their children, and they're saying,
I don't want my children to do this. My dad
did this, his dad did this. No better person than
a person with lived experience that can help these men transition.
(37:32):
I never went to prison, but what I can tell
you is I understand how they feel. I have empathy
for them. I can speak their language because of where
I come from, and when they hear me speak, they
know I care. They know that. Here's the other thing, Rick,
(37:53):
I've been going into San Quentin since nineteen ninety five
till this day. I've never gotten paid a die. I
teach classes, not to get paid. I teach classes to
change lives. And when people see how much you care,
that would make a difference in their life, especially when
(38:15):
they've never had anybody to take the time they're invest
in them to say I believe in you, I love you.
I know there are some brilliant men in prison made
bad decisions that cost them the rest of their lives.
And so I try to encourage them and I try
(38:35):
to get them to that place where one when you're
in that class, man the man, everybody has to participate.
It's not it's not a thing where you can just
sit down, because we're not just teaching you how to
become better men and how to become better followers. We're
(38:56):
giving you an opportunity to learn to articulate late and
how to communicate and how to listen and how because
I always say if you if you are not a
good listener, you won't be a great communicator, and you're
going to have miscommunication, and miscommunication leads to conflict, and
(39:16):
conflict leads the violence. So you have to participate in
all the areas in terms of being vulnerable, being able
to express how you feel. And you got to know
there's a risk because there might be some mess ups
when I say whatever I'm going to say, or I
might just start getting choked up and I might start crying,
(39:39):
or I don't really trust you because I've never trusted
anybody in my life. But it takes time, and when
they start seeing that this really works. And the thing
that I love about this is merely when they come
out that class, they get on the phone with their wives,
or they get on the phone with their true and
(40:00):
they teach them. They get in their cells with their
sealis and they teach them. They don't know that's therapy
for them. When they're teaching their wives and they're teaching
their children, and they're teaching their salies, they're still teaching
themselves too, amen to that.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
And when you can teach a man to teach other
people to fish as it's as we're taught, then then
it becomes a movement exactly from God, not a movement
from man.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Absolutely, this is.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
Something that I'm sure that you've thought of, but you
just you made me realize. You said you've been going
to San Quentin since nineteen ninety five. You've never received
any a penny for that. What we're trying to tap
into a truly significant is are men and women that
(40:58):
are looking to do something in their second chapter and
for the rest of their lives, and to make it
purpose driven and very intentional. And if they've spent the
first thirty five forty years of chasing success and making
money and now they're retired, why don't you think seriously
(41:18):
about supporting man demand and either be as a teacher
or support the ministry. Because your chase of money is over.
Why don't you have something in your heart where you're
chasing men and trying to change their souls, and then
(41:40):
you can do this without any expectation, any thanks required,
any weekly paycheck, just like doctor Stuart is doing Parrelliate.
Maybe that's what's keeping people from engaging in their prime time,
is that they are expecting something in return, and you don't.
(42:06):
You haven't at San Quentin. But look at the look
at the dividends that are being paid, and it's going
to outlive you. Doctor, by the way which you're accomplishing
is going to outlive you. But that's my appeal.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
That makes perfect sense. That's what that's why I said,
we wanted to go across the country, you know, and
really see if we can get support from the churches
and the communities, because you know, in terms of if
we really want to see a change in the family,
the father is the part of that chain, that's that foundation.
(42:43):
That father is the person gives them that child, that
their identity and and you know, fatherlessness is the most
destructive trend of our generation in every country. So we're
not just doing this. I'm about to get on the
call in another week with Hawaii then wants to bring
(43:04):
this whole Hawaii, but they don't have funy and like
we want volunteers. Well, you know, you can't always have
volunteers if you're looking for change. But when you think
about women, women have all kinds of programs to help
them with whatever they need. And when you look at men,
(43:27):
we have all kinds of prisons for what they need.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
So true, doctor, it has been an honor to talk
with you today. That's doctor Stuart Pereliot. His book is
called Man Book, The Man Book. Go to Man to Man,
dash you Ya dot organ day and support this transforming organization. Doctor,
(43:55):
thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (43:57):
Thank you so much. I appreciate you. Is nice being
on your show, and thank you for the dialogue, and
thank you for allowing me to have an opportunity to
share with your audience.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Absolutely, and folks, we hope that you enjoyed today's program.
If you were so moved, please contribute to mandemand Asuya
dot org today and be a part of the national
tour when it comes to your city. Consider being a
volunteer for it that would make you help you move
(44:30):
from success to significance in your own lifetime. Folks have
great week, yous
And welcome back to truly Significant dot com presents. This
is our success made to last Legend's version, and we
have on a wonderful gas. It's doctor Stuart Parrelliate. He
is the founder of Man to Man Urban Youth Alliance,
a faith based organization dedicated to restoring men and empowering
(00:32):
fathers to lead their families with integrity and strength. With
decades of experience serving within correctional systems and community initiatives,
Stuart continues to champion a message of healing, accountability and transformation.
A Doctor Stuart Parrelliate, we are honored to have you
(00:58):
on today's program to sell, lebrate your career, and to
talk about what we think is maybe one of the
most significant topics in our lifetime.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Thank you, Rick for letting me be on your show.
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
Yes, sir, our listening audience always loves to hear backstories,
and so I want you to take the podium and
tell us your backstory, including where you're from originally in
a little bit about your childhood.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Okay, Yeah, I'm from Oakland, California, born and raised. I
grew up with three I was three boys all together.
I am the youngest of the three Oakland's or a
rough place where we grew up. Growing up in elementary school,
(01:57):
it was pretty diversified because we had four military bases
at that time and in a lot of you know
self businesses and things. When I got to high school,
the fast forward it became what we call the murder
capital and a lot of drugs, a lot of killings,
(02:19):
a lot of homicides. And the way that I got
into this work was because I could experience and relate
to what these individuals were going through, because those were
people that I grew up with were in San Quentin.
(02:40):
I started playing basketball against the inmates in nineteen ninety five,
and when I was playing basketball with them, I should
say the incarcerated population. They don't use that work inmate anymore.
But as I was playing basketball there, I noticed there
was quite a bit of people that I knew that
(03:02):
was in San Quentin, not to mention others that was
from eastt Okland as well. And so a lot of
these guys grew up without dads, which is one of
the things that we really focuses on. Man the Man
is a fatherhood advocacy, support and training program. First, because
(03:23):
we noticed that ninety percent of our social idios comes
from fatherless homes, and that's boys and girls, and they
say that one out of nine. I think inmates that
in prison. I grew up with, you know, without two
family homes. And so this is something that I was
(03:44):
trying to really wrap my head around. It's man to man.
Urban Youth Advocate was the nonprofit, and I was thinking
that we really need to focus on how we can
reach our youth. But I started, we're writing my thesis
on disadvantage Urban youth in East Oakland went back to
(04:06):
the nineteen forties, trying to figure out how this was
such a diversified place with all these businesses of Sunshine Cookies,
mother Goose Cookies. We had potato chip factories, we had
car factories, manufacturers, I mean you name. We had you know,
(04:27):
the Warriors, the Raiders, We had the Oakland A's which
won you know, three years in a row. I mean
it was. It was a thriving community. And then now
even around we have now no professional team. We don't
have the Raiders anymore, we don't have the Golden State Warriors,
and we don't have the A's anymore. People are still
(04:50):
killing and still having this issue, and so I'm thinking, Okay,
I'm gonna, you know, really find a way to develop
a program for these youth. And then when I started
working on my dissertation, I had everything done, Rick, I mean, basically,
all I had to do was come up with I've
already talked about the problem, so now all they needed
(05:13):
to do was come up with a solution. And when
I was writing my dissertation, I realized everything started pointing
back to the dash.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Indeed, and maybe it's because you. You were hovering over
the entire ecosystem and the city and the geography, and
something something called you to what we consider being the
one of the hottest topics in our lifetime. So I'm
(05:49):
going to dive into some of the questions that I
shared with you ahead of time, and let's start with this.
When you spent over three decades mentoring inside prisons in
and underserved communities, what moment of experience, not just that
writing the thesis, but the moment of experience that led
(06:10):
you to write the Man book and launched this national tour.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
That's a really good question. I was actually writing another book, Rick,
and it was in the editor's hand, which was my dissertation,
were converting it into a book and just had a
graduation at San Quentin, and an incarcerated person from Ironwood Prison,
(06:37):
which is deep south almost Arizona, wrote me a letter
and said, I read an article from the famous San
Quentin prison about your man Man program and your Fatherhood program.
I want everything that you have because I'm having an
issue with my son. I can use some of the
(07:00):
classes that you're teaching, and we didn't have correspondence course.
Now Ironwood Prison rick is not san Quentin. San Quentin
has been changed from san Quentin State Prison to San
Quentin Rehabilitation Center, so it's a Californian project Ironwood Prison
(07:22):
because it's so far out, they do not have people
like saying San Quentin has over five thousand volunteers, so
they don't have people coming in providing services there. And
so that's when we came up with the Man Book.
It's the whole curriculum that we teach at San Quentin,
but it's in a workbook. So it's five books, you know,
(07:47):
compartialized into one book with you know, questions and answers
and then so they can fill out one talk about
the emotional intelligence. They could talk talk about conflict resolution,
and they can take the test, send it back to us.
We're graded, and then they can go on to the
(08:08):
next curriculum or cohort and they can get a certificate
for each one of those that they have completed.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
How are you assessing emotional intelligence?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
How am I assessing emotional intelligence? We take a survey
from the beginning, and this is allowing us to see
where they are. And then when they go through the program,
they take that same survey assessment and that shows us
where they have, you know, what they have learned they
(08:46):
can go from. Let me give you an example. When
we talk about emotional intelligence. We talk in our class,
we talk about an IQ and in the ESI emotional
social intelligence IQ. This is something that you are natural with.
Emotional social intelligence is something that you can learn and
(09:06):
you can improve on that as you continue to learn.
So you could take we have a test, we have
an assessment test, and they can keep taking that test
and they can keep improving on that test board, which
means they can also improve on the ESI.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Very good. Describe to our listening audience the size of
the market of of incarcerated individuals and then start to
draw concentric circles around at Stewart to say, this is
the size of the immediate families that know the incarcerated,
(09:48):
and then an outside circle that says, here's the cousins
and the next level of relatives and then the friends
of the incarcerated. What would what would those numbers sound
like and look like today?
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Who? That's a loaded question. What I can say is
I was doing the Fatherhood documentary, and in that documentary
we talked to those that were incarcerated in terms of
how did they land in prison? And I was able
(10:24):
to and this is just one example. I was able
to interview a grandfather, a son, and a grandson all
in the same prison I have. It's not unheard of.
They have a father and a son in my class.
You know, they both are taking my class and they're
(10:47):
in prison. And cousins and nephews. I don't know what
that number is, but I can tell you that it's
a generational thing where and that's why we're trying to
stop when we say this fatherhood peace, which that's the
root cause we're not trying to do the band aid.
(11:08):
We we're and I love what you said earlier, because
that ecosystem is what I talk about on a daily basis,
because that is what's going to really actually change our families,
our children, our community, because if we can get the
fathers involved and give them the set of skills that
(11:30):
they should have gotten if they had dads, but they
got a bad foundation, and it's not really good in
terms of what they've learned because they've learned how to survive,
but they have not learned how to be human, which
means they have emotions, they're vulnerable, they have anxiety, you know,
(11:50):
they have depression, you know, but they don't know how
to talk about that, so they don't know how to
communicate on those things, which is why these family after
families after families. Let me give you another example. So
there was a father and son that was in prison.
The guy talked about this. He said that he hadn't
(12:11):
seen the son since his son was six months old.
His sister called him to tell him that his son
was coming to see him, not coming to visit him,
but to come there as an inmate. He had no
clue what he looked like, and finally he got a
(12:33):
chance to meet him and begin to try to parent
him while they both was incarcerating, and what he found
out was what caused him to get incarcerated was he
was hanging with the same kids of the father who
his father was associating with. They caused him to be incarcerated.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
That is an incredible example of the generations and how
things can continue unless something happens to stop it. You
may have already answered this, but let's take another swing
at it. Significance often comes from seeing the unseen impact
(13:24):
in your years of experiencing your job and what I
would call a ministry. Give me an example of one
of those most quietly powerful transformations that you've actually witnessed
in men and in the fathers themselves.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
That's a great question these men have understood. Well, let
me back up. Most of these men have trust issues.
So it's really hard art to win them because they've
been hurt, they've dealt with trauma, they've dealt with killings, murders,
(14:07):
I mean, you name it. And they have abandonment issues,
they have rejection issues. So for me to come in
as a stranger, I have to set the tone so
that they feel safe, that it's a safe environment. So
at every class I let them know that if anybody
(14:28):
ridicules makes fun of anybody laughs at anybody, then you
are automatically terminated from the program and you can never
come back. What that does is that creates that environment
where they can at least feel safe with that said,
you asked me about a particular situation. There was a
(14:52):
guy that came in and he told me, he said,
doctor p He says, my life and my family's life
has always been dysfunctional. He says, you don't know what
I've been through. He was a Hispanic guy and he
said the whole time. Now this is doing the fatherhood class. Now, Rick,
(15:18):
there's five different cohorts and they just go one after another.
They don't have to re sign up for another Man
in Man class. We teach a domestic violin's fatherhood. We
teach emotional intelligence men and emotions conflict resolutions. But this
particular class was a fatherhood class. And this guy was
sitting in there and it dawned on him that all
(15:42):
of his childhood trauma occurred because he didn't have a father,
and he cried the entire class. When the class was over,
everybody was leaving. I asked him, I said, come here.
I said, no, I know you would want to leave
(16:03):
and never come back, I said, but keep coming. I said,
something's happening. I said, and I don't want you to feel, oh,
you got me in here, you know, like a little girl,
or you got me you know the words whatever they
would use. And I said, no, you're human and you
have emotions, and it's okay to express those emotions. And
(16:27):
that I think was a breakthrough for him. I think,
and there's many men that you asked about, you know
the change. I have several support letters of how this
has really transd these classes, has transformed these men's lives. Yesterday,
(16:47):
a guy just finished the domestic bonds class. He wasn't
in prison, but he was in jail multiple times from
San Francisco. And I had to kick him out of
my domestic violence class because he wasn't paying and he
wasn't attending regularly. But then I let him come back.
His probation officer reached out to me. I allowed him
(17:11):
to come back, and he did complete the class. He said, yesterday,
he said, my birthday was the day after Thanksgiving. He says,
my ex wife cooked me dinner and said, we're not
celebrating your birthday, we're celebrating the fact that you completed
(17:34):
fifty two weeks of the domestic violence class. This was
his third domestic violence class that he has tried to complete.
He says, she told him, I don't know who's the
person who's teaching the class, but he is doing a
remarkable job. You are calm when you talk. You don't
get angry. She said, you are a completely different person.
(18:00):
And I've seen this man get emotional and cry, you
know when you know, being in this class and said,
I'm not afraid to cry. You know, I'm not afraid
to share what's going on in my life because I
know that I'm being changed and I don't want to
be that old person that I used to be.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
One a beautiful example. Thank you for that, Steward. It's
a nice segue into telling our listening audience where they
can learn about man to Man and buy your books
and start to discover the man book.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Absolutely, we are getting ready to go on a national
book tour, so our goal is to hit every city
every state in the United States starting in January. Well
we're starting actually next month and in Sarcolito, californ On
(19:00):
you which is close to the Golden Gate Bridge. You
can go on to our website which is Man m
A n number two m A n u y a
dot org. That's Man to Man dash u ya dot org.
(19:22):
And you can get the book there. You can learn
more about what it is that we do. You can
follow us there because also the whole book tour, we
may even be going to your city, your state. Now,
the way this book tour is set up is that
(19:42):
we will go to let's say we'll go to Washington,
d C. I would teach in Washington, d C. A
two week two weeks, a two day workshop at a church.
And so what we're trying to do is get multiple
churches to come together so we can help with their
men's industry that I can train. There's a train the
(20:03):
trainer of this book, so I can train them how
to teach these men how to you know, to walk
through this book. Also, if they want to do a
prison ministry, we can teach them how to do the
same thing. It's it's more like a franchise, but it's
it's not so much of just to make the money.
(20:23):
All the proceeds go back to Man and man, but
it's keeping We know what works, and so as long
as you do what is required in the book, you'll
keep seeing the results. We don't want people to just
take the book and say, oh, we got it and
then just you know, do whatever they want to do
and then say oh Man and Man doesn't work. So
(20:45):
you know that's that's one of the ways that they
can get it. They can go on our website. There's
a QR code and I can send you that QR code.
I didn't bring it because I didn't know I was
going to ask that question, but I can send that
to you Rick if you like.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
That would be great, excellent, And again that is folks,
go to m AN the number two m A N
dash u ya dot org. That's Man to Man dashuya
dot org. Today we will be rought back with doctor
Stewart Perelliot after this quick message.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
This is Marcus Aurelius reappearing to proclaim that truly significant
conversations with big hearted people is a rare piece of literature.
This book reminds me of one of my more stirring quotes,
Waste no more time arguing what a good man should
be b one.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
If you're stepping into your next.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Life chapter of your career and questioning.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
What lies beyond success, this book is for you.
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Dive into forty stirring stories from luminaries like doctor Jane Goodall,
Ed Asner, and Emily Chang, stories that urge you to
pursue purpose, serve others, and build a legacy.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
That outlasts you.
Speaker 5 (22:16):
Authored by Rick Tolkiney, Truly Significant will challenge your view
of success and ignite a life of impact.
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Order now at TinyURL dot com, backslash truly Significant and
begin living intentionally.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Maybe your epitaph will read.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
She gave outrageously extended grace unceasingly and lived to help
others so that death found her empty.
Speaker 4 (22:49):
Visit truly significant dot com and celebrate the most truly
significant people in your life with the truly Significant community.
How bold of you to make your next chapter matter
and be truly significant to me?
Speaker 1 (23:06):
And we are back with doctor Stuart Perelliot and he
is the founder of Man to man It's Urban Youth Alliance,
a faith based organization dedicated to restoring men and empowering
fathers to lead their families. It's obvious by now the
reason why you're on this show because we highlight and
(23:28):
feature people that have moved from success to significance. And
you're definitely in that zone of significance making a bigger
difference out there. I wonder if you could advise our
listening audience from the nonprofit world and give them some
insights on how do you light the match behind a
(23:52):
movement and then what's required to get people really engaged
and get it burning in their hearts. They go out
and they take the action of significance and love forward.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Sure, you know, it's difficult to run a nonprofit. When
you say nonprofit, many times people think it's free. But
it can't be free because the lights, the rent, workers
comp the liability insurance, the payroll. You know it is,
(24:32):
it has to be paid. Not to mention that. It's
not a lot of money into nonprofits, so you have
to be passionate about it. I'm a man of faith.
I'm a pastor as well. I'm a more dang minister.
So I believe in the power of God and the
power of prayer. I believe this is what God created
(24:55):
me to do. So I received a letter from I'm
one of the incarcerated populations. I've read it the other
day and it basically said, you could make millions of
dollars of what you're doing in the sake of the world.
But you chose to work with people to make boys men.
When you're passionate about something like this and you have
(25:18):
that passion and you know your call to do it,
I just believe that God would provide for you. He
said that he would provide for your every need according
to His riches and glory. So if you have needs,
I believe that God would do it, especially when it
lies to his will and his purpose. And so I
know they can be very frustrating because you have to
(25:40):
be disciplined in terms of doing a movement like this,
because you may get some money today and that money
has to last you until the next time that you
get a paycheck, and you don't know when that next
time is going to be. But you can't. I mean,
although I say the services are not free, Rick, we
don't turn anybody away. If people come and they say
(26:01):
they don't have the money, we can't say, well, we
can't serve you. Our purpose is to serve everybody that
comes through the door. And you know, God has been
faithful in terms of meeting our needs. We haven't had
our lights cut off, we haven't missed the rent check,
and our employees are still getting paid. Now, I'll tell
you this much. They don't get paid before we get paid.
(26:24):
So a lot of times we don't get paid. But
everyone who's working for man and man, they can never
say that they've never received the check or that their
check was late.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
That's outstanding. And so I will make the appeal to
our listening audience those that want to contribute. And maybe
you don't have the skill set that doctor Stuart Perelliot
has in his team, but maybe you've got the resources.
So consider the time, talent and treasures that God has
(26:58):
given you. And you know at the back of our book,
this book is an assessment on your purpose in life.
And there's a grid back there that says, basically, what
can you contribute? So what if you decided to contribute
to man Demand Dashuya dot org today and you were
(27:22):
quietly supporting this ministry to reshape the men of the
future and the husbands of the future, and the dads
and the grandfathers out there, that's a way for you
to be significant. It's not a lot of money, but
think about if there are millions of people that contributed
to this. So I think it's it's extraordinarily important to
(27:47):
continue to make that appeal. I wonder in your studies
and in your lifetime of comparisons that we can make
with other generational issues and how someone broke from the
(28:07):
bondage of generational issues to be free of that and
to go out and be the next new generation with
a new look and a new feeling and attitude and
almost fearlessness. So are there other examples of how these
(28:28):
people have broken from the bondage of what you've described
and moved on to other things in their life of
greater positivity.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Absolutely. We have a gentleman named Jonathan the Mimes. I
spent thirty three and a half years in prison. He's
been with us. He's been out now for a year
and a half. He has another half year before he
can be on probation. Jonathan is a community health worker.
(29:01):
He's also our pair of legal. He learned how to
be a pair of legal when he was in prison.
And he is a very humble man. But when you
asked that he went in for murder, and it's really
unfortunate because he had a public defender who came out
(29:23):
of college that really didn't know what he was doing,
and he didn't state all of the facts and he
served thirty three years in prison. Now he is doing
very well, you know, no problems with drugs. His probation
(29:43):
officers didn't even come to see him anymore. Used to
make him you know, urine in the bottle, make sure
that he wasn't positive on you know, drugs, and you know,
would pop up on the job unexpectedly. And when he
begin to see his life and begin to see what
he was doing, he said, they don't even bother me anymore.
(30:06):
I'll give you another one. There's a guy when he
first started taking our domestic violence class. He's been in
and out of jail and you know, didn't have a dad.
Fought a lot. His brother's in prison as well, because
he told me, you know, my brother can benefit from this.
But you know, we went down. He said, I had
(30:29):
the court date last. We went to the court and
advocated for him. The judge locked him up. But the
judge told me, he said, I really believe well, he said,
I really appreciate your services, doctor p. But we don't
know what we're going to do with this individual because
he missed his dates for his probation. He says, we
(30:55):
put a plan together. So I started to tell him
a plan that I had and it's just whatever I
told him, he didn't do it. So the public defender
that was there, we went upstairs, met with this guy's
probation officer, came up with a plan, submitted the plan
to the judge at two pm that day. They released
(31:18):
him that night, which they were trying to keep him
for ninety days in prison, I mean in jail. And
so this guy that won his heart and he understands
that he's not alone, and he's already shared that. Even
his probation officer said, I see the changes in him.
(31:40):
You know, it's it's it's not hard for these men
to change when they have something to work with. It's
the only way that we can cause these men to
change is to change their mind. If we can change
their mind, we can change their behavior. You know, the
(32:03):
Bible says that we can't confirm conform to this world,
but we have to be transformed by the renewing of
our minds. And that's what happens here. Every man that
we come into contact with is different. But if we
can change their mind, we can transform their life. And
(32:28):
I mean, there's so many support letters that we have
that men are saying we want to work with you.
We trained men in prison through this Man Book so
that they can be facilitators and that when they come
out they can begin to work with Man and Man
because they said, this is the only thing I could
(32:49):
I know that I could do. I can do this
docupe And so you know, there's there's murderers, I mean,
people that have cut their wives up, and I know
it's kind of graphic to talk about, but when we
get down to the root cause it was some unresolved
issues there and they said they were okay, but then
(33:11):
something else triggered them that was not dealt with before
and they didn't know how to use skills that they
have now, and so what they did was they reverted to,
you know, violence, And so we had the border parole hearing.
(33:31):
This is this is one. We had the border parole hearing.
I guess when these guys get ready to get out,
they go to the board and the board parole hearing.
Here's you know, how many classes they've taken, you know,
have they been in trouble? Are they ready to be
transitioned back into society. And what they kept saying was
(33:55):
I want to go to Man and Man I want
to go back to Man and Man when I get out.
So I guess they say, well, what is this man
and man because we don't know who man and Man is.
So they came and sat in Man the Man class
and heard the stories and saw the transitions and the
transformation in terms of these people's lives that you know.
(34:16):
And I asked them because I didn't want them to
be trying to say things that was you know what
they knew. These people wanted to hear, so they would
ask me some things. I would put them on the
spot because they've been in the class, so I'm gonna
see if they really are changed are they just saying it?
And so I remember a gentleman was telling me about
(34:39):
his life and how he had changed, and I said, well,
you know what's different now? Then before he says what's
different now is I realized that I have a problem.
And I realized that the problem is me and no
one made me to commit the crime that I committed.
It was me. I was selfish, and that's the kind
(35:02):
of stuff that we, you know, we have to get
them to first understand that they do have a problem
and that they have to be willing to be held
a combo and to take the time to put into
work to make the change. Because I tell them all
the time, Rick, if you in this class just to
(35:22):
get credit, because they get credit they towards their probation.
If they come to my class, it's called rat credit,
I said. If you're here it just to get rat credits,
you're in the wrong class, I said. But if you
hear it to say that you honestly want to change
your life, and you want to change your community, and
you want to change your children's life, then I'm going
to help you, I said, But you still have to
(35:43):
do the work.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Absolutely, You've said so many brilliant things today, I'm going
to try to recast it into a final question. If
a man grew up without a dad, and.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
He has.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Found his way into being incarcerated, and he has built
in trust issues, abandonment and feels unsafe, how in the
world do you train the trainers so they can help
(36:31):
people with their trust issues, their abandonment issues, and eventually
feel safe enough to be able to embrace the very
curriculum that you're teaching.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
It takes time. I'd always tell people, I said, time
is your best friend, and you know I've taught classes
with the worst of the worst, and they're in there
and they don't want to hear anything. They're just there
for the purpose of getting whatever they need. But as
they see are they here, that's me, are something that
(37:08):
has caused them to say, there's something wrong I need
to change are We talk about their children, and they're saying,
I don't want my children to do this. My dad
did this, his dad did this. No better person than
a person with lived experience that can help these men transition.
(37:32):
I never went to prison, but what I can tell
you is I understand how they feel. I have empathy
for them. I can speak their language because of where
I come from, and when they hear me speak, they
know I care. They know that. Here's the other thing, Rick,
(37:53):
I've been going into San Quentin since nineteen ninety five
till this day. I've never gotten paid a die. I
teach classes, not to get paid. I teach classes to
change lives. And when people see how much you care,
that would make a difference in their life, especially when
(38:15):
they've never had anybody to take the time they're invest
in them to say I believe in you, I love you.
I know there are some brilliant men in prison made
bad decisions that cost them the rest of their lives.
And so I try to encourage them and I try
(38:35):
to get them to that place where one when you're
in that class, man the man, everybody has to participate.
It's not it's not a thing where you can just
sit down, because we're not just teaching you how to
become better men and how to become better followers. We're
(38:56):
giving you an opportunity to learn to articulate late and
how to communicate and how to listen and how because
I always say if you if you are not a
good listener, you won't be a great communicator, and you're
going to have miscommunication, and miscommunication leads to conflict, and
(39:16):
conflict leads the violence. So you have to participate in
all the areas in terms of being vulnerable, being able
to express how you feel. And you got to know
there's a risk because there might be some mess ups
when I say whatever I'm going to say, or I
might just start getting choked up and I might start crying,
(39:39):
or I don't really trust you because I've never trusted
anybody in my life. But it takes time, and when
they start seeing that this really works. And the thing
that I love about this is merely when they come
out that class, they get on the phone with their wives,
or they get on the phone with their true and
(40:00):
they teach them. They get in their cells with their
sealis and they teach them. They don't know that's therapy
for them. When they're teaching their wives and they're teaching
their children, and they're teaching their salies, they're still teaching
themselves too, amen to that.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
And when you can teach a man to teach other
people to fish as it's as we're taught, then then
it becomes a movement exactly from God, not a movement
from man.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Absolutely, this is.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
Something that I'm sure that you've thought of, but you
just you made me realize. You said you've been going
to San Quentin since nineteen ninety five. You've never received
any a penny for that. What we're trying to tap
into a truly significant is are men and women that
(40:58):
are looking to do something in their second chapter and
for the rest of their lives, and to make it
purpose driven and very intentional. And if they've spent the
first thirty five forty years of chasing success and making
money and now they're retired, why don't you think seriously
(41:18):
about supporting man demand and either be as a teacher
or support the ministry. Because your chase of money is over.
Why don't you have something in your heart where you're
chasing men and trying to change their souls, and then
(41:40):
you can do this without any expectation, any thanks required,
any weekly paycheck, just like doctor Stuart is doing Parrelliate.
Maybe that's what's keeping people from engaging in their prime time,
is that they are expecting something in return, and you don't.
(42:06):
You haven't at San Quentin. But look at the look
at the dividends that are being paid, and it's going
to outlive you. Doctor, by the way which you're accomplishing
is going to outlive you. But that's my appeal.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
That makes perfect sense. That's what that's why I said,
we wanted to go across the country, you know, and
really see if we can get support from the churches
and the communities, because you know, in terms of if
we really want to see a change in the family,
the father is the part of that chain, that's that foundation.
(42:43):
That father is the person gives them that child, that
their identity and and you know, fatherlessness is the most
destructive trend of our generation in every country. So we're
not just doing this. I'm about to get on the
call in another week with Hawaii then wants to bring
(43:04):
this whole Hawaii, but they don't have funy and like
we want volunteers. Well, you know, you can't always have
volunteers if you're looking for change. But when you think
about women, women have all kinds of programs to help
them with whatever they need. And when you look at men,
(43:27):
we have all kinds of prisons for what they need.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
So true, doctor, it has been an honor to talk
with you today. That's doctor Stuart Pereliot. His book is
called Man Book, The Man Book. Go to Man to Man,
dash you Ya dot organ day and support this transforming organization. Doctor,
(43:55):
thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (43:57):
Thank you so much. I appreciate you. Is nice being
on your show, and thank you for the dialogue, and
thank you for allowing me to have an opportunity to
share with your audience.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Absolutely, and folks, we hope that you enjoyed today's program.
If you were so moved, please contribute to mandemand Asuya
dot org today and be a part of the national
tour when it comes to your city. Consider being a
volunteer for it that would make you help you move
(44:30):
from success to significance in your own lifetime. Folks have
great week, yous
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.