The Giving/Receiving Imbalance - When You're Always the Resource

This week I'm sharing observations about the challenges of the one-sided nature of giving. I share my frustrations and the hidden labor that goes unnoticed. We'll explore how setting boundaries and rephrasing requests can ensure mutual benefits. Plus, I’m stirring up some self-reflection on our giving-and-taking dynamics. Tune in to hear my thoughts, stories, and tips on fostering respectful and reciprocal professional relationships. Let's make those connections real and valuable!

Timecodes:
00:00 Introduction and Host's Background
00:40 The Emotional Labor of Giving
02:37 Challenges of Podcast Guest Requests
03:40 The Importance of Reciprocity
08:14 Setting Boundaries and Expectations
21:27 Crafting Effective Communication
24:32 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
This is amazing media production. Hello, good people, I'll be
doing well this week. Welcome to another episode of the
Switch Pivot or Quick podcast. I'm your host, Ayanna Angel,
and I host this podcast because I not only talk

(00:23):
the talk, but I've walked the walk. I've made my
own career transitions multiple times over, and so I hope
that this podcast will be a resource for you in
your transition when you're trying to figure out what's next today,
I am hoping that you can give me a bit

(00:44):
of grace to vent for a minute. I know you're
here to gain knowledge and insights, and hopefully my rant
of sorts will spark a thought or maybe even create
an awareness that will serve you and maybe the colleagues

(01:04):
that you're in community with. So let's start here. I
recently attended a conference and I was in conversation with
two women, and I found myself saying, you know, I
am tired of always being the giver. So by nature,

(01:26):
I am naturally like a connector type of person. I
will do what I can to help someone to make
a connection to meet the right person, especially if I
already know that person, I'll do what I can. I've
gotten people jobs before. I've connected people with resources that
were beneficial to them in their careers. And I'm not

(01:49):
saying any of this to Toobby own Horn. I'm just
trying to give you context of how I show up
in this world. I'm not a saint. I am not perfect,
but I do my best to be giving when I can,
and I guess because I am giving. I am in
a season right now, in this moment where I am giving,

(02:11):
but I am frustrated. I'm frustrated with the one sided
nature of some interactions. Being constantly approached for what you
can provide with very little reciprocity. That can be draining

(02:31):
and quite frankly invalidating, especially sitting in my seat where
I'm the host of this podcast. So from day one,
when I first started this podcast in twenty seventeen, I
had like a steady stream of inbound guest requests and

(02:53):
way more than outbound, and in twenty seventeen twenty eighteen,
it was manageable. Some of the guests were actually a
true good fit, perfect love it, sign them up. But
now fast forward all these years later, podcasting is so
much more popular and personal branding and people wanting to

(03:17):
get their name out there, and their projects out there,
and their book out there, and their course out there,
and their coaching services out there, all the things. Right,
Everyone has either a side hustle or they're trying to
be entrepreneurial in some way. And as a result, I
received a bit of everything. But most of the pitches

(03:38):
are not a perfect fit. So while this may not
be your story, I want us to look at this
idea of reciprocity through the lens of maybe, like me,
a podcast host who is constantly being pitched right, maybe
your situation is different, But at its core, we're really

(04:01):
talking about the ideas of reciprocity, of networking, of thoughtfulness
and being mindful of other people as you are trying
to excel in whatever spaces you're operating in. There is
a hidden emotional labor that all of us endure when

(04:24):
we show up every day doing the things that we do.
Some of our work is very invisible. People don't see
the effort that we put into things, whether it be
studying for and preparation for the achievements that we have,
whether it be like for me, fielding requests and vetting

(04:47):
guests and managing expectations, whatever the story is, there is
an emotional labor that lies behind each person's success, especially
those who you want access to. This labor is often undervalued,

(05:09):
maybe even most times not acknowledged by many of us.
And please don't get me wrong in all that I
am saying, I may be guilty of these things too.
I just so happened to be the one putting it
out there talking about it right now in this way.
But it doesn't mean that I am one hundred percent exempt.

(05:32):
Let's talk about the gap in reciprocity. Have you ever
considered that when you make an ask of someone, if
someone were to make that very same ask of you,
how you would respond. What would you say? Would you
be quick to help them? Would you offer resources? Would

(05:52):
you go out of your way if the answer is
an immediate yes, if the answer is an immediate no,
if the answer is and I don't know in all
three instances, this is my invitation to you to take
some time and reevaluate, because it doesn't matter what your

(06:17):
answer is right now in this moment. It probably would
not be reflective of how you would really respond because
you don't know, you're not in this situation. But what
you can do is think back to a time where
you were in that situation where someone did ask something
of you. Did you respond, did you ignore? Did you

(06:39):
go out of your way? Did you say yes? Did
you say no? Think about it. Take a moment and
think about it. The reason I invite you to take
a moment and think about it is because we all
need each other at some point in time. But it
never feels good to be used, to feel like you're

(07:01):
being used. So if you are willing to put yourself
out there, to go out of your way to do
above and beyond what is asked for someone at some
point in time, then, in my opinion, yes, you can
through the course of nature. Right, like the reciprocity type

(07:23):
of idea, you can make an ask of someone else.
Now it's up to you how big or small the
ask is. But if you are that person who is
never willing to go out of your way for someone else,
who is never the person to say yes, who is
never the person to respond, who is never the person
that anything is asked of them, you might want to

(07:47):
take a second look in the mirror. Honey. There might
be a reason, and it's up to you to figure
out what that reason is. This is just me extending
an invitation, not trying to solve all of your problems, right,
a problem you might not even know you had. But hey,
this is also me trying to help you uncover some

(08:11):
of the things that might be blind spots for you.
So for me, like I said, I am always a
giving person, but I have realized that in our world
of easy access digital communication, all of those elements that

(08:31):
we love to utilize, they have in a way created
this sort of psychological distance or removal of people from
making that ask. So it makes it easier for people
to ask you something or to ask something of you

(08:53):
without considering what they may be offering in return, or
what they may be willing to offer in return. Because
sometimes and ask is not a quid pro quo, right,
It's not something for something. But keep in mind while
you are making that ask, like I said earlier, what

(09:15):
would your response be if someone were making that ask
of you? And that's where you kind of got to
check yourself. The reciprocity might not be right there in
that moment, but if given the opportunity, will you be
open to the reciprocity. I'll give you an example of
something that really has started to annoy me over the years.

(09:41):
So when someone reaches out, it could be a PR person,
it could be someone directly. But when I get that
outreach email and it says how amazing and wonderful and
sparkly and glowy this person is and why I need
to speak to them, and then it also shares with
me that this person also has a podcast and they

(10:03):
talk about some of the same things that I talk about.
But what that email is missing is any form of
acknowledgement that I am an authority in the space as well,
and that they would like to invite me to be
on the podcast that they are pitching the host for

(10:28):
and maybe it could be a mutually beneficial situation. So
I hope I didn't lose you with my explanation of that.
But basically what I'm saying is you email me, You
slide into my inbox with a pitch for somebody to
be on my podcast whole time they have a podcast
of their own, but you never think to offer, Hey,

(10:50):
maybe she would want to be on their podcast. Maybe
we can make this mutually beneficial. No no, no, no,
no no no. You know, sometimes I respond with something
that presents an opportunity to work together. And sometimes, if

(11:10):
I'm honest, I just ignore the email. Yep, I do now.
I said at one point in time that I would
never be that person, having been a publicist in emailing
people who would never respond to me, I said, I
would never be that person who would ignore people's emails.
But now being on the other side and seeing how

(11:33):
thoughtless sometimes people are when they email you, yeah, I'm
totally that person. Now I will ignore an email in
a minute, and sometimes that's just about protecting my piece. Okay,
I'm not done talking my ish, and if you're still
working with me, I appreciate you stick around for one

(11:53):
minute while I do this quick commercial break because you know,
girls got to pay those bills. Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay them a telephone bills? Okay, just kidding.
I'll be back in a minute. Welcome back. So, something
that I realized more recently is that, you know, there's

(12:16):
a difference between people who recognize my platform's value versus
those who simply want to extract value from it for themselves. Obviously,
and in your case, there may be a difference between
people who recognize your value and people who want to

(12:41):
extract value from you. Let that sink in, let that
sink in. We are all moving very fast, and sometimes
we can overlook some of the minor details right moving quickly,
we're trying to get things done, and that to every

(13:01):
last minor element of something that could make the other
person feel ten times better when you engage and interact
with them. We could miss it all have probably been
guilty of it. But that little extra effort, that is
something that makes people feel special and feel seen and

(13:23):
valued when you interact with them. And I can tell
you right now from my experience when people reach out,
there's this new thing that they do where they will
go and listen to one of the most recent episodes,
maybe out of the last five, and they will note
that in the very first line, I really enjoyed your

(13:43):
episode with so and so, and I love when they
said this, and I really connected with it. And this
is why I think you should speak to du Da
Da said person that they want to pitch. That's a
new tactic I've noticed a lot lately. But what they
don't want realizes that they're all using that tactic. It
lacks originality, it lacks connection, It does nothing to differentiate you,

(14:10):
and it makes it feel like I'm just another cookie
cutter person that you're emailing. And like I said, I
get it. We are all moving fast, we are all
trying to maximize our time and get as much done
as we can. But that little bit of extra thought
and care to personalize and email that can go a

(14:33):
long way with people. So keep that in mind when
you're reaching out to someone, especially when you're looking to
ask something of them, try to find a little detail,
nothing too personal, nothing that will make you seem like
a stalker, but you know, try to find a connection point,
a detail, something that the average person would not say

(14:54):
to them, just to let them know that you are
not taking them or their time and attention for granted.
And really it is also, in my opinion, a sign
of respect. So if you're on the receiving end of
the asks a lot of the time, you might do

(15:16):
well with setting up some boundaries to protect your energy,
to protect your piece while you continuously have to move
throughout your day and do these things. Right, I have
to check my emails. Oh but I didn't tell you guys.
It's not just emails. It's not just one email address,
it's all of my email addresses. Sometimes I don't even

(15:39):
know how people find every single one of my email addresses.
It's also my Instagram dms, and it's also my LinkedIn
messaging and requests. In the request, it'll be like, hey,
are you accepting new guests? Yeah? So typically I don't

(16:00):
even respond to the LinkedIn guest pitches or the dms.
It's just too much. And any email address that's outside
of the switch privator quid email address, I don't respond
to that either. So this just means I have to
set some things in place for myself that make all
of these forms of communication a little bit easier to navigate,

(16:20):
especially the emails. One of the things that I do
is I've crafted response templates that gently educate the center
on my expectations for guests and or my expectations for
mutual value, especially as a black woman. So there's times

(16:41):
where I go and look up the person that they're
pitching to me and I'm like, really, so if this
person had a podcast, or if this person had a platform,
or if this person could do something for me, would
they Because that's the thing. It's a conversation that was
mentioned on social media not too long ago, and it's

(17:05):
something that I've been saying for years, and I started
saying it. I want to say, really, in the height
of that blogger era, when I just realized that, as
a black woman showing up in this let's just call
it content creation space, most of the time, my white

(17:27):
counterparts don't even see me. They don't see anybody that
looks like me. And when I say they don't see me,
it means that they don't see me as competition. I'm
not on their radar. I don't even exist in their world.
And to me, that is something to take note of.

(17:51):
And it may not always be intentional. Some people are
just aloof like that, right, But when they don't value
your or contribution, but then would willingly exploit you and
your platform for their own gain, hmm, Yeah, that's something

(18:13):
to keep in mind, right, It's definitely something to keep
in mind. So for me, when I look at or
go and poke around and research and I see that
all the guests that this person has had, they look
nothing like me. I would never show up in their ecosystem.
They are only being pitched to me because somebody else

(18:34):
did a Google search and found me and thought it
was a great idea. Yeah, it's a hard no for me.
It's a hard note for me because you probably wouldn't
even care to be in community with me. And that's fine,
but I am not gonna then over extend myself and
open up my audience to a person who wouldn't even
rock with them anyway. Yeah, no, thank you. And sometimes

(18:58):
I straight up tell experts, authors, coaches, whatever it is.
I tell them what my expectations are, and I don't
hesitate to ask how can you contribute to our community?
How can you contribute to the conversations that we are
having in a valuable way? Because what I will not
sit by and let happen is have information being gate

(19:23):
kept or behind a paywall, or you guiding people to
this download or that download or whatever all throughout the conversation. No, no, no, no, no, honey,
that's not how we get down over here. We are
about bringing real value to the conversations that we have
because we want to be better and if we're inviting

(19:44):
you into the space, you got to make us better. Okay,
So yeah, you have to set boundaries for people, let
them know what your expectations are. And if it's easier
for you to create some standard language that illustrates what
those expectss are, then that's just what you gotta do.

(20:09):
All right. I'm about to wrap it up and get
off my soapbox. But one of the last things I
want to talk about is you having the confidence and
me having the confidence to ask for what we deserve.
Sometimes you have to be the one to put the
ask out there, because you're not going to be given

(20:29):
what you're not willing to ask for. Right. That's very
clear in some of these situations that I have already
shared with you, and some that I'm sure you've experienced. Right,
many of us, especially women, we hesitate to ask for reciprocity.
I don't claim to know what everyone's reasoning is behind
that hesitation, but we know we do it. So I

(20:53):
want to give us some techniques for expressing articulating what
are our own needs are. And this is some language
that I would use in my situation, because I've already
explained to you what my situation is, right, But you
can go ahead and flip it for your situation. This
language helps you with suggestions on how you can reframe

(21:17):
requests that come your way, asks that are being presented
to you, and reframe it in a way that makes
it mutually beneficial. So one thing is value first language.
So instead of I'd like to be on your show,
I could maybe say something like, I believe we could

(21:41):
create value for both of our audiences by doing XYZ.
The next thing we could do is butter them up.
We can highlight our complimentary expertise. For me, I could
say something like, my expertise in XYZ would compliment your
recent folkocus on XYZ while introducing my audience to your

(22:05):
perspective on X. So it's painting a picture and illustrating
how we could potentially work together based off of what
has already been done by them, and that means that
you would have to take the time to go and
see what they're all about and really truly see and
decide if there is a crossover, if your skill sets

(22:29):
really do compliment each other. The third thing that we
can do to use suggestive language to reframe these requests
that we get inbound is we can make an audience centric.
As I mentioned before, I'm here for y'all, so I
always want to make sure that you are getting something

(22:49):
valuable out of an episode that I conduct with whoever
the guest is. So I could say something like, your
audience has shown interest in topics I specialize in, while
my audience would benefit from your insights on XYZ. Now,
if you're having a hard time seeing how this language

(23:10):
could help you, remember I'm a giver, honey. It's all
about reciprocity years. So I'm going to tell you how
this could potentially help you in a scenario like let's
say you're on LinkedIn. You see someone in a similar
field as you. You really want to reach out. It
seems like this person is doing amazing things, but you're like,

(23:31):
will they make time to want to talk to me?
Like what would be their motivation? You could use the
complimentary approach. My expertise in X would compliment your recent
interest in XYZ. Maybe it's something that they recently posted about,
something that they want to learn more about, like let's
just say AI, or something that they noted that they

(23:56):
really were interested in from a recent conference, or an
article that they posted. Whatever, So let's take it from
the top. My expertise in XYZ will compliment your recent
focus on AI, and maybe you can share more with
me about your knowledge around cybersecurity. I don't know, I'm

(24:17):
just making it up right, but you get the idea.
You point out what benefit you can bring to an
exchange between the two of you, and then you highlight
what you would love to gain from said exchange that
you're proposing. All Right, I've said enough. It's time for
me to step down off my soapbox now. But in
my final moments that I'm gonna share with you, I

(24:41):
just want us to remember that in order for this
business world to continuously go round and round, you have
to be a giver and you will be a taker
at some point. Just be mindful of how you show
up and how much you're a giver and how much
you're a taker. In my mind, reciprocity and respect at
actually go hand in hand, So don't forget that. Thank

(25:05):
you so much for spending time with me this week.
I hope that you enjoyed this episode. I hope that
you enjoyed my rant. Thank you for chilling with me
and rocking with me through my rent. Sometimes you just
need to get the things off your chest, you know.
And I also feel like when you put it out
there and you say what you want, which is me

(25:26):
saying I want less people to be takers. In my
inboxes and in my messages, I want more people to
be givers. I want people to invite me on their
podcasts as well. I want people to, you know, bring
opportunities to me, just like I'm bringing them to other people.
The more that we put out there what we want
and what we need, we put it in this universe,

(25:48):
the more that we will receive it. So this is
me putting it out there. You go out there, put
out there into the universe what you want to receive,
what you know you need. Don't be shy about to
ask for it. Own it and I will chat with
you next week. You like the way I just cut
that off real quick. I'm not gonna keep going because

(26:09):
you know I can keep going. All right, I'm done
until next time. Be well. This podcast is produced by Maziemedia.
Maze Media as a women led podcast production company that
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