Black Magic

From ancient curses and forbidden rituals to real-life witchcraft gone wrong, we’re diving deep into the dark arts tonight. This isn’t your grandma’s superstition — this is Black Magic in its most sinister, shocking, and unexplained form. Join The Brohio Podcast as we summon the stories the world tried to bury. 🎧 Grab your salt circle, light your candles, and prepare for one of our creepiest, most unholy episodes yet.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:18):
My name is Nicholas Alexander, and I think that it
makes me feel gay when I put on chapstick. Welcome
to the Brohio Podcast, everybody. I'm one half of the
Chapstick List. It's only gay if you like suck on
it a little bit. I've got I've got bliss sticks

(00:39):
in my pocket. I think I've got a little bit
of a cold bruin, so I don't see no blisters yet.
Must be doing this job. I keep them motherfuckers grease juicy.
Welcome into the Brohio Podcast, everybody. Uh hope Halloween boopy.

(01:02):
I like those videos on the Internet of the women
wearing sheets with their boobies cut out of it. Yead,
those are fun, right, I appreciate those women. I think
one might have been my mom, and I called her
and asked her about it, and she used the F
word on me. Oh dope, I don't think it's her anymore.
I suffer from herpes. There's no nice way to put it.

(01:27):
I get cold sorees on my lip. That sucks. I
get cold sores inside my nose. What about on your genitals? Nope,
never got them in my Gendy's like, you're good then
my genties don't get them down there, but I do
get them in my nose, on my lips, inside my mouth,
inside my nose. You can get them in your nose.
Oh man? Those are those are that sounds aweso? Those

(01:47):
are the worst. I didn't even know that was a thing. Yeah,
but what I found out is through my insurance company,
I use telemed, telehealth or whatever. I don't I don't know.
But now if I need prescriptions for my stuff, I

(02:09):
don't even have to talk to a doctor. I don't
have to video chat. I don't have to talk on
the phone. I literally fill out a question here and
they send my prescription over in like ten minutes. Nice,
and you can do that for all. I had an
ear infection right before the Texas trip. I knew I
had an ear infection, and I got on that telemed,

(02:30):
that telehealth I need to find Let me find it
so I can help you guys out. And this is
not an advertisement. This is just something that was really
convenient to me. Let's see doctor, I gotta find this out. Yeah,
you can't talk about it and leave everybody hanging. Now

(02:52):
it's you know, I don't see it now, Great, Well,
it's live there, we go MD live cool. And I
told him that I had you know, all the symptoms
of an ear infection and a little questionnaire. I didn't
talk to anybody. In ten minutes. I had antibiotics sent
over to the pharmacy. It was nice. It did it

(03:13):
from my couch. That's pretty cool. It's very convenient. But
now I want to say hello to our newest Patreon subscribers. Okay,
starting off with the cum Daddy Ben Color, Ben come
color old Benny boot, Yeah, dude, any boot. No, this

(03:38):
guy's got big long balls on it. The balls are
the sack, the balls, the balls are along. He's got
long He's got oblong balls. And if you guys hang
around a little longer this episode, I'm going to tell
you about something I did to my brother's balls yesterday.
Oh that's that's fucking hot. I'm staying around for that
even yep. Next we got Dino Bro nine one five

(04:01):
Dina Bro dude, pretty cool. Never Dino's a bike. Dinah's
a fucking Harley, get it right, He's a Dina Bro,
Dinah Bro. He's a Horay, He's a Hoharley. In his
little profile picture right there, Oh yeah, he does, doesn't he?
I meany dildos? Can you fit in that saddle bag?
All the ones? I can't fit my ass every dildo ever?

(04:23):
Thank you, Dinah bro nine one five. Appreciate you, buddy.
How about Jace? Hell yeah, Jace is on the case.
Thanks Jace. It rhymes with stuff that. This girl sprayed
my eyes one time when I was getting a little
too close, which was Mace. She sprayed in my eyes
and she said someone helped me. I said, I was

(04:44):
just trying to say hello, trying to see hello. Thanks Jace.
We appreciate you, but appreciate you. And then we got
Hero JK. Villain. That's me sweet. That was that was
Nick in the last story where he got Mace. They're dark.
Thank you, mister hero JK. Beautiful beard on you got

(05:04):
a nice facial carpet like that, like anybody's ever said
that before. Paul, Now this guy. If this was my
last name, I wouldn't tell people because that makes it
sound like it got really really little Wiener Bankley, Dankley, Binkley,

(05:25):
Paul Binkley. Thank you, Paulie for having family lineage that
names you that, because that's not very manly. That's kind
of one of those that he's the manliest dude, super
fucking hary real long balls, just like fucking just like
Ben Cohler. Long Ball Club, Long Ball Club lbc LB,

(05:51):
not Long Beach, California were the long long ball Club.

Speaker 2 (05:56):
No.

Speaker 1 (05:56):
Yesterday, I found some steaks at Kroger on sale before
the tailgate before the Bengals game, which fuck the Bengals,
I hope you all die, but crazy, I took these
two tea bone steaks to the tailgate to cook, and
these things were monstrous. I'm talking probably over a pound each,
at least like a pound and a half. Nice two
tea bones. And I made him. I got a marinade

(06:17):
that my family has been using for a lot. I
don't normally marinade steaks, but I know my brother likes
that marinad because the family recipe. Two tablespoons olive oil,
two tablespoons of garlic salt, one tablespoon war sitter, sure
wash your sister, one tablespoon of soy sauce, one tablespoon

(06:38):
of your hot sauce of preference, Okay, then some salt
and pepper, of course, and you leave it in the
bag for about a day okay, tasty steak. And I
made it from my brother because I know he likes it.
And he's a little dainty fellow. He weighs about sixty
four sixty five pounds. He's not big at all.

Speaker 3 (06:56):
Right.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
He only ate half the steak and then he started
putting it in a bag. I was like, will you
doing He's like, I'm taking this home. I'm gonna eat
it later. I'm like, you're packing a doggie bag from
the tailgate. It's a long time to just sit. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we had a cooler, but he put okay. He
put in the cooler and I bought six caramel salted
caramel Apple hard siders at the gas station. I was

(07:19):
drinking those nice and I drank all six of them
about twenty minutes. And I opened up the cooler and
I took one of his beers and he's like, dude,
I say, you could drink when my fucking beer's drunk. Yeah,
we've been drinking stuff. He's like, do you my fucking beers?
And he's like ten feet away from me, and I

(07:39):
pick up that tea bone steak like a pancake and
I throw it at him and It hit him right
in the nuts.

Speaker 3 (07:44):
Dude.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
It folded him up. It folded like a he folded
like a lawn chair. He went down immediately. Were you
aiming for his balls? Yeah, kind of okay, but not really.
You know, I didn't think like, oh, this tea bone
is gonna take him out. He said, the boat And
when he got his breath back, he said, the bone
hit him on the nut. Damn, dude got boned. I

(08:04):
think that's the first person ever to be taken out
with a t bone stick like that. That sucked, dude.
He went down hard. He's like, oh, you're so stupid
when you when you get your fucking gonad grazed. Dude,
it's the worst, man said. The marrow came out, hit
him so hard to spill the marrow, dude, that would suck.

(08:30):
Cook came down. The people next us are laughing so hard. Oh,
I bet I would have been too, poor guy. What's
going on in the news world. Well, I'm gonna catch
you guys up the day. Japanese butt breathing technique could
help people with lung conditions. Sweet, I can't wait to
hear about this. These Japanese are always one step ahead

(08:52):
of the whole world. Yet, oh this not so fresh air. Chappanese,
you swees of totles. I sound like masters point or two.
That's why this tourtles. Javanese and US researchers have developed

(09:18):
a groundbreaking treatment for people who can't breathe through their
lungs by delivering oxygen where the sun doesn't shine. Results
from the first human clinical trial testing the so called
butt breathing technique so justin it's save and well tolerated,
pushing the cheeky alternative one step closer to becoming a
real lifesaver. I put a lifesaver in my butt once.

(09:41):
It might you call someone a butt breather. It's like
are an insult, right, like a slur. It might sound
like a sketch from Saturday Night Live, But the ig
Nobel Prize winning idea actually steals a page from Nature's playbook. Loaches,
a type of bottom dwelling fish, usually breathe through their gills,
but when oxygen runs low, they're known to swim to

(10:03):
the surface, gulp air, and swallow it. The air moves
through their digestive track, where oxygen is absorbed in the
bloodstream before the rest is expelled. Through their anus. Okay, god,
Basically loaches can breathe through their butts and they're not
alone Turtles, turtles, sea cucumbers, dragonfly nymphs, and even pigs, yes, cops.

(10:28):
It can absorb oxygen in similar ways when their lungs
aren't up to the task. Inspire by those cheeky creatures,
scientists wondered if humans with blocked airways and clogged lungs
could do something similar using a technique called internal ventilation.
It works like an enema, with researchers slipping oxygen rich

(10:49):
liquid straight into the rectum using a lubricated tube. Once inside,
the oxygen would theoretically pass through the intestinal walls and
the blustering bypass the lungs all together. After early animal
tests show the treatment could stave off respiratory failure without
major complications, scientists took the plunge and moved onto human

(11:10):
trials in Japan. They recruited twenty seven healthy and brave
men who agreed to have varying amounts of perflood red
kalin liquid inserted into their buttholes to hold for sixty minutes.
I can hold a shit for a long time. I
would have been great for this, dude. You know me,
I can hold I can hit the clock at work

(11:31):
to start the day and hold the poop until I
get home. Oh dude, it hurts my belly all day
though my body's a litld machine nine nine, ten o'clock
every day, I'm fucking in there giving her hell. Twenty
of them lasted the full hour, including some who took
in up to a liter and a half of the fluid.
She want a fucking queer sucking that down with your ass? Yeah,

(11:52):
fill me up. You're gonna need more liquid. You think
got some impressive You see how much colm I can
put in there? Reported Uh. Participants report bloating in discomfort,
but no serious side effects. Notably, the liquid wasn't oxygenated.
This was just a safety test to gauge whether humans
could tolerate such rectal trauma. I put that in myself.

(12:17):
But it sounds like, guys, we're gonna be able to
have this in the mainstream medicine sooner than later. Yeah,
if you can't breathe, you don't want that fucking hole
cut in your throat. Yeah. Can you imagine if that
was the ant that saved everybody from COVID? Just to
fill them full of the filling butts full of liquid. Hey,

(12:37):
we've been on the butt jogging train for a really
long time, and I feel like we get some sort
of royalties from that. They wish really couldn't have done
this without our help. Yeah, I agree, We've don't needed
so much research to modern medicine with that. I've never
accomplished anything scientific in my entire life. I tried a
light a cigarette with a battery one time in prison.
Not what I but I saw the guys doing. I'm like,

(12:58):
let me try, and I couldn't even do it. Really,
that's that's too stupid, all right. They got to use
like a gum wrapper or something. Yep, something like that. Yeah,
pretty cool. Yeah, if you say so. Man, those guys
are all fucking each other and stuff, so it made
ingenuity is very like it's it's pretty cool. The things
they unrivaled. The way they find, you know, certain things

(13:19):
to do impossible things is crazy. Yep, unrivaled. I mean
smash burgers for dinner. Before I came down here, amazing.
Sophie is asleep on the couch. I shook her. I
was like, Sophie, your dinner is ready. She's like, I'm
not sleeping. I said, okay, your food's ready, you want it.

(13:43):
She's like, quit trying to wake me up. I'm not sleeping.
Do you want dinner? Said, you're your owned your food right,
harr you want on the table? She's like, quit eating
my sleep. Sorry. I was like, okay, she's disoriented. Are

(14:06):
you on drugs? Are you high? You gotta be high, dude.
You should have fucking did one of the old fucking
cheese tosses and head in the face with the face
the cheese, slice of cheese bcing on her head. Do
I love? I love seeing videos or people fucking hit
their babies in the face with cheese. Well, my new shade,

(14:26):
my new favorite right now before we go to our
ads here, my new favorite are people that tell their
animals jokes and just start screaming and uncontrollably. It's so dumb.
It's really dumb. I'll fucking hit him with the the
stupidest laughs ever. I did it, but I didn't upload it.
But yeah, pepper just ran. Dude. I was gonna say,

(14:49):
do you do it with the pepper? Yeah? I did,
he just ran. I I can get this ears pin backs.

(15:11):
All right, here's a quick break for a few of
our sponsors.

Speaker 4 (15:16):
Halloween. I like to eat Snickers upside down. I can
fill the veins on my toes.

Speaker 1 (15:34):
That really is a gay candy bar. Yes, dude, if
you if you like that, then you are a little gay.
Do you think gays like that one more than the others?
I would assume, right, I think they like pix these sticks.
It's got that's pretty good. But it's got veins and nuts. Yeah,
you know what I mean. Pixie Sticks is a good
one too. We got Susie cues back in grocery stores
here the hostess. Oh yeah, yeah, SU's like the little

(15:57):
chocolate cake with a crimon side and yeah, god damn
little curls on top. Yeah all right, Uh are you
dressing up for Halloween? Fuck? No, okay, they want us
to dress up for work. I thought about dressing up
his Ace Finurro when he's getting out of the when
he's in the mental ward with a tutu. And then
I thought about dressing up as a contestant from Hiddens

(16:19):
of the Legends of the sit hidden top. That's pretty good,
gold helmet, yeah, Khaki's choop of cobra shirt. You could
also do the fucking van down by the river.

Speaker 4 (16:30):
My name's Smith Fooley.

Speaker 1 (16:32):
I am a motivational speaker. The gid did anywhere a suit,
though he does, I'm not trying to spend any money.
He had to drop some dress. Some cheddar on that
they had me doing the haunted gallows, the haunted hallway
at my at Sophet's School. You know thirteen year olds, right,
I'm in the hallway scaring kids. Yeah. Last year I

(16:52):
had a fucking great time scaring these kids. I wore
I wore our grandma mask in a robe, had a rat.
Nobody wanted to smoke from me. They're like, god, damn, Like,
what is that you're fucking scarring children? This year, I
wore an apron and then like a really fucked up
like almost like the woman had their her face shot

(17:15):
off and then had like a wig with it. Yeah,
I think I saw them. And I had a handful
of worms, and I had a snake around my neck.
It's so fucking weird. Some of these kids are afraid
of worms and snakes. But the lady took me. She's like,
all right, you're gonna, You're gonna this is where you're
gonna scare at this is where you're gonna be. I
was like, okay, cool, are you obstructed at all? Like

(17:36):
whenever they're walking through, are you just kind of sitting
out in the hallway. Last year I was obstructed a lot.
I had hiding spots. This year, I had lots of
good hiding spots. But they told me two minutes after
this thing starts, they're like, oh, by the way, nobody
knows how it worked a new light system, so we
gotta leave the lights on. Oh that sucks, I said,
So you got me in the middle of a fucking

(17:57):
lit hallway. Yeah, that's that's a bummer. Had a fog
machine down by the end of the hallway and they
turned it on. It starts filling the hallways full of fog,
and me, being a facilities guy, I'm like, hey, uh,
just let you guys know this is probably gonna set
off a smoke detector. They had a PTO. She's like,

(18:19):
but we called him. They said it's fine, and I said, okay, lady.
An hour into this thing, evacuate called it ruined. It
ruined the night. Then I took Sophie and her boyfriend
at dinner and I fired in front of him. Not

(18:43):
only did she get upset with me, She told my wife,
I'm trying to sleep and just out of nowhere.

Speaker 4 (18:52):
I don't understand why you need to fucking be disgusted.

Speaker 1 (18:56):
You like just undressing me. I told us it was
like five farts. It wasn't one, it was first, get
it right, Yeah, the only accuse me of only one?
Maybe five fart in front of this kid five times
in twenty five minutes. People were crying. It was so bad,
all right, So they say black magic always comes with

(19:19):
a price. Maybe it is your soul, Maybe it's your sanity.
Maybe it's that strange knock on your door three am
when you know, damn well nobody should be there. Humans, well, yeah,
we've been obsessed with control over death. We've been obsessed
with control over love, over luck. We pray when we're scared,

(19:42):
thoughts and prayers, We wish when we're desperate, and bargain
when we're out of options, and black magic is the bargain.
It's like a whispered prayer turned inside out, the promise
that if you just light the right candle and speak
the right name, you can twist reality itself. The power

(20:06):
like that never comes free and I did ask Chad GPT,
I said, how do you summon Satan? And it wouldn't
do it for me, It wouldn't very very serious about that. Man.
Across sentries, people have written secret books. They've drawn sigils
and blood and called things they couldn't uncall. And the

(20:27):
deeper you go, the more you realize black magic isn't
about devils. It's about humans who can't stand being powerless.
So tonight we're dragging this one straight out of fucking
Satan's personal library. We're talking about the rituals, the murders,
the curses, and the psychopaths that I think they can

(20:48):
outsmart the darkness. Oh you remember back when Undertaker put
Stephanie McMahon on that cross and he's like, it was
even scarier than that is when he took Stone Cold
Steve Austin to the morgue and he had that dagger
above him like he's about to kill him. He's like, shy, Yeah, yeah, baby, dude,

(21:11):
I was scared, man, Dude. Taker was super fucking frightening
when he first came out. They had his ass, his
ass shooting lightning and shipped from his fingers. Brother, it
was all like edited and post production looks so bad.
That was a scary dude. Let me see if I
can find that on YouTube when there's fucking there's all
these videos like kids crying when he would come out
and ship back in the day. He's scared. Terrifying. Man,

(21:33):
such a great character. Morg I remember the Morgue the
Undertaker tries to embalm stone Cold Steve Austin alive. Wait
a minute, King, that that looks like a funeral hole.
Well that's where Paul Behar and the Undertaker said they
were taking Austin. Such a great commentary, d man, Oh

(21:54):
my god, there's Paul bar In the Undertaker. Austin's in
the back of that herse and can we for a
second or God sakes Austin just like conscious he's helpless.
Acknowledge how great the naming Paul Bear is. Yeah, it's
so good, my god. King the Unentertainer's tearing Austin into
the Undertakers. That looks so weird in the bomb room,

(22:16):
Yeah they can't. Are they really gonna do this on
a nice cold horse, the stone cold hard? Yeah, like
fucking watch this whole thing, dude, and fifteen Steve Wiser's
he's fucking he's done for I could watch this whole thing.

Speaker 4 (22:36):
Undertaker, under Paul Bear.

Speaker 1 (22:39):
I'm gonna pamb Austin Ford take the line. Do you know?
Do you know Paul Bear is real? Like? Is his
other name that he went by is Percy Pringle? Oh?
Fuck yeah, yeah, his name is that. Paul Bear is
way cooler after the fucking chip guy. You can't help
with be a fat boy. If your name Percy Springle

(23:01):
can't named you after a Mexican chip guy? What was
his like? What was his stick? Did he have one?
He's just a talker, okay talk Long before pre started blaming,
which is the Samerians were scratching spells into clay tablets.
They called them you sort to or binding incantations of

(23:23):
trapped demons or curse enemies. Ancient Egypt had its own
brand of dark sorcery in the Book of the Dead,
which was basically a how to manual for controlling the afterlife.
That's pretty cool. By the Middle Ages, though Europe heed
decided that there were two flavors of magic. There was
white magic for healing and protection and black magic for

(23:44):
everything else. It's kind of racist. Black magic meant you
were cutting a deal with something or someone you could
not see. It meant poppets, grave, dirt, blood, Latin phrases
nobody wanted to translate. Loo. I gotta hear that part,

(24:09):
at least, I don't know speaking we got in tongues.
We have to at least get to that part. I'll
do some research on that one to find that. And
his one theme song, he's in the background speaking in tongues,

(24:31):
one of the old ones. Yeah, okay. In thirteenth century Paris,
a monk named Betron de Silva was called trying to
summon a demon to help him win a debate against
his professor. He must to really hate that guy. It's
easy win. Right there. The demon allegedly showed up as
a black cat and burned down his entire library. Me how, motherfucker, dude,

(24:55):
a fucking cat burn your house down. I think my
cat's folks, So it doesn't surprise me. God damn it.
Black magic thrive because it gave ordinary people a sense
of agency in a world where everything was famine, plague,
and taxes. If God wasn't listening, well, somebody on the

(25:19):
other side was listening, and that person on the other
side might uh might be the opposite of God. And
I'm talking you know what, I'm talking about the pope
talking about the lead singer of God Smacks all the grimoires.

(25:47):
This is something we got to talk about. You can't
talk about black magic without talking about the grim Wars
books that allegedly teach you how to command demons. Really interesting.
Oh yeah. The most famous is called the Lesser Key
of Solomony, seventeenth century collection of seventy two demonic names,

(26:08):
complete with sigils and ritual instructions. It's basically Pokemon for
people who fucking hate themselves. It's funny because you're reading
this description. I'm like, this is pretty fucking cool. I
gotta go holad and find that to catch them. All right, Robert,
if you catch one of these, we can no longer

(26:28):
see one another. You think why someone wanted it would
attach itself to me or where it's at. I hope
you guys get hooked together like two dogs, your fucking
butts get stuck together like a Chinese finger trap. Oh man,
that'd be kind of hot.

Speaker 2 (26:45):
No.

Speaker 1 (26:45):
I did do some research. I went to some weird
places of the Internet. I did find out how to
summon Satan, and I'm gonna tell you guys about it
at the end of the episode, So all you godly,
god fearing people, you might not want to stay around
to the very end. Then there's the Grand War, supposed
to be written in the fifteen hundreds and rumored to
be kept in the Vaticans Forbidden Archives. It claims to

(27:06):
teach you how to summon Lucifer himself and negotiate a contract.
Believe that you're already his favorite customer. All right, buddy,
how many times have you just been like, fucking God,
let me live through this and I will never say
another cussword or something like that. A lot of shit
like that. Whenever I was like a teenager, Yeah, I

(27:27):
used to be like, like, there's one teacher that I
didn't like, and sometimes in class I'd be like, God,
if you're real, you'll fucking kill her right now. It
was always stupid shit like that. God, if you're real,
you'll you'll make a car come through the window and
run her over right now for me, and nobody will know.
Nobody'll know with me. God, if you're fucking real, you

(27:52):
never made deals like that? Oh yeah, for sure, You're
probably like, God, if you're real, you'll kill You'll kill
my dad. Yeah, I think I said there quite a
few times. He did. He just waited until fifteen years.
Long game, long game. That's the thing. Inevitably and somebody.
Everybody always dies. You can always say it's you know,

(28:13):
in the words of Johnny Cash, sooner or later, God,
I'll cut you down there, you go, roll on for
a long time, run on, roll along time. I think
half the time I was just like, please, God, let
me see so and So's titties. Yeah, if you got,
if you got, if you're real, you'll give me x
ray vision, but not the kind where I can't see flesh.

(28:37):
You just strike the bone. He gives you x ray vision.
Spooky tunes, and you just keep fucking skeletons rolling around ship.
Oh man, that would have been my luck mine too.
Or I could see guys naked. Yeah, just dicks all
day long. Well you see his dicks floating around. Oh God,

(29:01):
if you're real, you'll let me know how big everyone's
wiener is. I'm not gay. God. Many copies of The
Grand Grimoire were allegedly bound in human skin. Oh that's
kind of cool, a practice known as anthropodermic bibliopate peggie.

(29:22):
I've been peggied before. You ever been pedged by your
with the biblio. So if you're ever like looking at
one of these fucking spell books or reading through it
like gets really hot, just put it down. That's kind
of my advice. I was thinking about that when I
was writing this. Yes, it's really weird. You pick up
one of these old fucking anthropodermic bibliopeggies, one of these

(29:45):
foreskin covered spell books, and it gets hot, put it downs,
put it back, check that back in the library. Getting
your fucking brisket cut off, just to turn it into
a fucking satan book. That's some wild shit right there.
Man shot it and all in it.

Speaker 3 (30:03):
I j.

Speaker 1 (30:07):
Rob dog, I got my ba. These manuals weren't just
for a witches. Kings owned them, popes owned them. Even
Napoleon was rumored to carry one into battle, because if
you believe you can conquer nation, what's a little blasphemy
on the side. You know, you know, Napoleon really wasn't

(30:28):
that short. Really at the time. He was actually pretty
on par maybe even taller. It's not surprising, you know.
They make fun to call the little Napoleon. But he
was not short. He was not a little little fellow.
All slander, ah slander. Every form of black magic, though,
has one thing in common, a transaction. Something is given,
something is taken. Saintan giveth and Satan giveth and taketh,

(30:52):
and take it and take it. In the ancient world,
that usually meant blood. I bleed all the time. No bleeds,
big poops, biting my fingers. I bleed a lot, big poops. Oh,
that'll get you if you take big poop. Send us
an email Brohyo podcast at gmail dot com. Believe there's

(31:14):
gonna be some emails for that one. There was a
few months ago when I said we had a naked
picture Donald Trump and email us if you want to Yeah,
I have a picture of a poop that I took
in Texas, like one of the biggest shits you've ever seen.
It's nothing to do with naked Donald Trump. But it's
not naked Donald Trump. But if you guys want me

(31:35):
to send you that picture, just email me and say
I want the poop. I want the poop. If you
put anything besides I want the poop, then I'm not
gonna send it to you. But if you email me
and you say I want the poop, then I'll send
it to you. Yeah, refresher. There's a fucking garter snake.

(32:01):
There's a young lady we went to high school with
and we had her twenty twenty year class reunion over
the weekend, and apparently she specializes in prostates. So I
got a little drunk and I showed her a picture
of my poop and I told her that somebody there
at the reunion sent that to me, and they were

(32:21):
too embarrassed to show it to her their self. They
wanted her medical opinion if they were okay. I said
they were too embarrassed to show you, and they asked
me if I would show you, and I showed to
her and she said, oh my god, is that from you? No,
somebody here, And then I got embarrassed and I locked

(32:43):
my phone. She was about to tell you the worst
news ever, you have cancer. It you locked your phone
so she couldn't tell you, Like, ah, fuck, something is wrong. Yeah, dude,

(33:05):
that was fun. That was a blast. I had a
really good time. Man, it went so much better than
I could have imagined. I was so I was so
so nervous to see some of those people, and it
was really a good time. And twenty years has gone
by fast, but I felt like, yeah, I felt like
hooking up with everybody. I felt like I was in
tenth grade all over again. Yeah, it was. It was

(33:27):
pretty cool, And I think the coolest part about all
of it is I think everybody in the room mingled,
which is not yeah, would not have been the case,
you know, twenty years ago, and everyone was cool, everyone
was happy. There was one girl that was fucking obnoxious.
I hope she left and nobody spent time with her
after that. But other than that, everybody was really cool. Yea.
And in Greece that's what's in my underwear. Necromancer smeared

(33:53):
blood on altars to feed the shades. In Africa and
the Caribbean, sacrifice became a ridge between worlds life for favor,
and in Europe, which is we're accused of using blood
to seal packs. This is long before you could buy
a demon at hot topic. Yeah, you had to summon themselves.
Now for Clarinet pay and Pal paying four, you can

(34:16):
get a demon for like six four payments of sixteen
ninety nine from hot Topic. That's a pretty good deal.
It is a good deal. I used to pay a
lot more for them. Back in the day. We used
to have to summon them ourselves. We did. He you
just get a hot topic, you can buy one right
next to the dildos. No, that's Spencers. When I take
the girls to the mall because they always want to
go to the mall now, and we walked past Spencer's.

(34:39):
Both girls look at me. They're like, look to go
to the back of Spencer's. I'm like, I'm thirty eight.
You think I don't know there's fucking torture devices back
to No, those are good dildos. Let's get that. Let's
make that perfectly clear, right, those are not good dildos
back there. It's bad dildos and fucking or any black

(35:00):
light posters. Everyone knows you can only get a good
dildo at a Lions then that's attached to a truck stop.
Yeah for sure. Uh. German texts from fourteen eighty six
the Malleus Malefacer Maleficarum blamed witches kissed the devil's anus
during their intonation to prove loyalty. Damn, that's oldly wide

(35:23):
way for you to prove your loyalty and that's the
French kiss my anus. No, no, homo, I ain't kissing
no dude's ass. I mean i'll kiss an ass. I'm
not kissing an anis. Yeah. That means you gotta get
your lips inside. Yeah, that's fucking internal, dude. That means

(35:46):
your your body is up inside their body if you're
kissing an anis. Yeah, you cannot see an anus with
a naked eye. Yeah that's you. Ever seen a naked anis? No,
I haven't. There's okay, there's butt cheek butthole than anus.
Butthole is about as far as I get. Buddy, will

(36:06):
you ever kiss the devil's butthole? Like? I mean, yeah,
if I got rich or something, or or if you know,
there's an opportunity for me to be a really good
surfer or some like really cool what do you call it?
Talent acquired skill? They're like, oh, you just French kiss

(36:27):
the devil in the butthole and you'll be the world's
hack sack sacker, be the world's grace fucking penguin breeder.
I don't know. What's something random like that? You'd have
the world's biggest popsicle stick collection. Why did that light
just come on, I guess somebody's over there doing something. Okay,
somebody scared as talk. We got lights coming on in

(36:51):
the podcast. It's because we're talking about French kissing the
devil's asshole. It's true, he's tempted these fat ones the tongue.
That book was written by celibate monks who probably just
needed to better their hobbies. So, but there's a there's
truth beneath the madness. The blood it carries DNA, blood

(37:14):
carries heat, blood carries identity. The ancient people, it meant life.
If you want a spell to work, fed it life,
you feed it blood, simple as that. Even today, modern
occultists say a drop of blood personalizes a spell. I
personalize a spell every time I sell on the toilet,
a little fucking little, a little little dash o nick.

(37:39):
Science calls it nonsense. Belief calls it power. And if
you have ever watched someone bleed for something they want,
you know which one wins. Some of Uh okay, they
turned the light off, thank you. Some of history's most
influential people were necked deep in a cult and black magic. Rasputin,
the mad Monk of Russia, was rumored to heal the

(38:02):
Tsar's son through blood magic and hypnosis. When they finally
killed him, he had survived poisoning, he had survived gunshots,
and he had survived drowning before he ultimately died from
freezing to death. So that motherfucker sounds like he probably
had some black magic going on if he survived all
that stuff. Yeah, that's pretty impressive. We should cover respute

(38:23):
in sometimes because he was a very very interesting character.
I'm cool with that. And there was Elizabeth Bathory, the
Blood Lady, which recovered her and that was earthly first
few episodes couple. She believed that bathing in virgin's blood
kept her young, much like all the celebrities now they
indulge in adrenochrome. We're in the freaking frogs Gaye. Science

(38:49):
calls that hemoglobin. The rest of us call it sanity wickedness.
But that's the thing is even the church dabbled. Medieval
popes were accused of employing necromancers to predict the wars.
The Hand of Glory was a candle made from a
hanged man's hand, was allegedly used by burglars to paralyze homeowners.

(39:14):
That's pretty cool. They break in with like a rabbit's foot,
and it wasn't really a rabbit's foot. It was a
dude's hand. They've been hung and they cut his hand off, well,
petrified hand, and they turn it into a candle. It's
stick a wax candle down inside the hand, and they'd
walk in with the rotting fucking hand with the candle
in it, and they're crazy. They'd hypnotize people with that.

(39:39):
History doesn't care if it's true though true, though, it
cares that people believed it was, and belief has always
been black magic's most dangerous ingredient. And that's the thing
about this. It does not matter if black magic actually works.
If you cast a spell that you want Dave to

(40:00):
break his leg, and then Dave breaks his fucking leg
by coincidence, then all of a sudden, the entire world,
the entire generation, tells a story about the man that
could cast spells that could break people's legs. And that's
how we get here. That's how we got here. Unless
black magic really is real, I don't know. It sounds

(40:22):
pretty powerful. We're gonna tell you how to do it
though here at the end of the episode. Try your
fucking self. I'm ready a lock on my show Mumbo
number five. Instead of working, our legs are just gonna
fucking bend back and snap because someone he's our own
spells against us. I wish somebody'd cast a spell on me,
just see if it works. And I've talked, I've told

(40:44):
this story a lot, but that one girl, Amanda Kesseler,
she tried to cast a spell and term me on
a frog in middle school, and that really scared me.
Do you think any of it, like, do you think
he felt any effects from it? She cut her foot
off with the lawnmower, did Yeah, she lost a toe. Man,
I'm fine, So can you tell me how that didn't backfire?
It definitely did backfire for sure. Crazy bitch she got toad,

(41:10):
tried turning to a frog, but she'll end up getting detoed.
You know. After she gave up the witch ship, she
was really good. She was really nice to me. She's
really kind, so I shouldn't say that mean stuff, but
she's very sweet to me. But she did try and
cast an incantation on me. Kind of fucked up though
you'd try to do that. I know, Yeah, I do
think that one of the spells that she cast on

(41:30):
me did hit yeah, but I'm still waiting to see
if it's done growing or not. And if it is
done growing, then yes, that she loves. She lobbed a
fucking dart on that one. She got me some type
of some type of small wiener incantation. I believe she
got that one to attach itself. But I've reading some

(41:54):
science trials, I've been going through some stuff. I don't
know that I'm done growing to figure that out. I
had one friend, I think maybe I've told these stories before,
but he used to make voodoo dolls out of like
straw and like hey and ship engage no no, ben
See was across the street from Brent. Yeah, but he

(42:15):
made he made two of them, and he lost one,
and I don't so he he would use do these
spells to trap part of someone's soul inside of him,
and he would like fucking set him on fire and
like stick stuff in him. And ship and one he lost,
they were both in his so he says, they were

(42:37):
both in his room and we ended up finding it
a couple of days later in the fucking tree. And
then the other one. At one point in time, he
said he saw fucking stand up and run out of
the room we got we were looking for it, and
I opened up his closet and there was one of

(42:58):
those fucking gas line markers that was sticks in the
ground and it was sitting in his fucking calls like,
do what the fuck is this? I wonder why he
saw the fucking he saw the fucking thing run because
he was tripping on guff and hoff and natural gas.
People are weird. Oh now. There was also one of

(43:20):
the most prolific dark magic artists of our generation, Aleister Crowley.
He was either a prophet or the world's original edge lord.
He called himself the Great Beast six six six hell yeah,
heil Satan. He found the religion the religion religion of Thelema,
and declared, do what thou wilt shall be the whole

(43:44):
of the lull basically follow your heart, but with orgies
and ritual daggers. That's way fucking cooler than all of
your heart. He mixed ancient Egyptian gods, Hebrew mysticism, and
Victorian sex clubs into one long magical cocktail. And that's
magic with a c K. He summoned entities like Lamb,
a gray, big headed being that UFO nuts say looked

(44:07):
suspiciously like an alien. Crowley's influence spread to rock music
as well counter culture and the entire modern witchcraft revival.
His rituals weren't Hollywood fluff. They were precise, They were mathematical,
and they were meant to if paired with the right
fucking drugs, were meant to rewrite your subconsciousness. Whether worked,

(44:30):
they're not as irrelevant. He believed it did, and that's
all belief ever needs. All the people that he practiced
it on, all the people that hung out at his orgies,
they all thought this shit worked. So you and I
may be like, that's bullshit. But if these people think
if you fill a pot full of frog guts that
you can make it rain for twenty days, if that's

(44:51):
what they believe, then that's their truth. It is. Yeah,
I think he sounds kind of cool in all honesty me,
Stig Craw, I think yeah, he sounds very interesting for sure.
Sounds like a man that likes to come yes orgy,
so he definitely fucks Yep, dude, he was an upside

(45:13):
pineapple kind of brother, if you know what I'm talking about.
I don't know if I've ever even seen what this
what he looks like he's He looks like Uncle fucking Fester.
He's as attractive. Speaking of it, I saw all he does.
I saw Uncle Fester Walmart with an upside down pineapple
the other day and I was I was laughing. I
was like, dude, ain't no fucking way. That's pretty funny. Yeah,
that's definitely not what I expected. Didn't look like I
don't know why I expected a guy like that to

(45:34):
look like fucking like uh uh Charles Manson. Yeah, I
expected long, black, greasy fucking hair, not mister clean. Yeah,
he really does look like Uncle Fester ball with a
baby winger. In nineteen eighty nine, and this is a
topic that we talked about. Nineteen eighty nine, Metamorros, Mexico.

(45:55):
Body's found in a shack oh yeah, near the border, decapitated,
mutilated organs removed. Police uncovered a in Ghana an iron
cauldron filled with bones, blood, and human remains. This was
not cartel violence. At the time, this was believed to
be black magic gold little ritual. Adolfo Costanza, which is

(46:16):
who was the head of all that chaos, a charismatic
cult leader and drug lord, believed he could make his
followers invincible through ritual murder he borrowed from Paulo Meobi
and a Cuban religion twisted into something monstrous. Victims were
offered to the spirits for protection. The most famous victim

(46:37):
was Mark Kilroy, a Texas college student kidnapped during spring break.
His skull was found in Costanzo's cauldron. When police closed in,
Costanzo ordered his own death to avoid capture. His followers
called him a god until the end. And you, guys,
that's a really good episode that we did. You guys
should check it out back there in the the backlog

(47:02):
whatever do you want to call it? The catalog? One
thing I've been thinking about doing. We are on year
eight eight, so shit, dude, I don't remember anymore. We've
got literally hundreds of episodes. There are a lot of
old episodes that people are are are more than likely

(47:27):
missing out on. So unless you go back from the
unless you go back to the very beginning, to start
from the beginning, that would be overwhelming. There's no way
in God's creation that you could accomplish something like that.
We have at this point months of content. I believe.
I thought about going back and downloading some of these classics,
some of the some of what what what we deem

(47:48):
classics and re releasing them as new episodes, not re
recording them, but just simply throwing them on the feet
as new episodes. And that would not detract from our
normal skee. It would be just a kind of maybe
churn up more interest and churn up new listeners. I

(48:09):
think that a lot of podcasts do this. I didn't
knows a thing. It is a thing, you know, like
a Michael Jackson episode, that's one of our favorite episodes.
Ta Hot Blonde, Tall, Hot Blonde Baby. Yeah, fucking Dominie Ramsey.
All those old episodes are really fucking good. This episode
is sponsored by Betterhelp. You know, the days are getting shorter,

(48:31):
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(48:53):
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Terms and conditions apply. Visit earnin dot com for details. Yeah,

(51:07):
we could re release those and just put a disclaimer
in the middle, say hey, these were recorded eight years ago.
They wanted to bring you a classic. It's much like
we're smoking pot and listening to a CDC with your dad. Yeah,
that's true. That's a good way to look at it.
Just like that, I don't know, food for thought. Yeah,
tell me what you guys think. If you're just like
absolutely positively not, then you know it's. One of the

(51:30):
most fruitful grounds I've found recently is the Spotify comment section,
which I didn't know existed, but there's a Spotify comment
section where people talk about the episode, and there's a
pretty good engagement. A lot of people think we suck,
a lot of people think we're good. But I did
learn that our comments are turned off on YouTube. So
somebody got on Spotify and said, you fucking low life scale,

(51:52):
You scared bitch. We haven't had any YouTube comments for
three months, and I'm just like, this is kind of
sad that the engagement's gone down so much so we
don't get any comments anymore. I wonder what changed The
comments got turned off? Like by accident? Yeah, I mean,
I wonder how that happened. Something stupid I did, cats
cats Kids. Yeah. Me and Paisley share a YouTube account.

(52:14):
I mean, she uses my personal account, but sometimes if
she she'll get certain fractions on YouTube and it'll it'll
change settings across my entire You know, I've got my email,
but I have three different YouTube accounts. Yeah, okay, that
makes sense. That may have been what happened. But that's

(52:38):
what uh. That's what black magic does, though, and it's worst.
It turns belief into obedience and obedience into slaughter. And
in Africa they have ritual killings called multi murders still
occur to this day, driven by belief that human organs
carry magical power. I've get an organ that carries magical power,

(53:01):
henus myenus uranus fudge factory. I've still never been there.
Mean either white derogatory in my opinion. Yeah, I showed
you that shirt that I got for my birthday, didn't I? Yeah, God,
it's so fucking great. I'm gonna worth speaking for my birthday.
I was thinking anus and that made me think of beans.
If you haven't done any so, I'm not a huge
bean enthusiast or anything, but I am. I find the

(53:24):
the fact that Bush's Big Beans has a merch store
is fucking hilarious. And some of the stuff they have
on there is so so good. It's just so stupid
that this stuff exists. And my wife for my birthday,
got me the fucking the shirt. It's I say, it's
you think of like the the classic nerd shirt that
has like three wolves on it howling at the moon.

(53:45):
But this is fucking three dukes, you know, Duke the
dog next to a can of beans. Just so fucking good.
They're they're bean slides like they're sandal slides, have bean slides.
They're so good. Yeah. They have a matte floormat for
the outside of your house that says, in this house
wheat beans. It's one that says happy hollow bean grallowing.

(54:11):
It's just so dumb. You guys should go check it out.
It's pretty cool good. In India, tantric sorcerers are caught
each year performing kapalika, which is rights involving skulls and
ashes in Haiti in Louisiana. I want nothing to fucking
do with Haiti Bawker's practice dark voodoo to raise zombies

(54:33):
through potions and curses and black magic isn't a European problem,
it's a human one. At this point, the details change,
but the core does not change. Someone wants something that
they should not have, and they're willing to ask someone
they shouldn't talk to to get it. Every culture has
a word for it, and every culture has a graveyard
full of people that have pushed it entirely too far.

(54:56):
Science calls it a psychosomatic death. Folklore calls it a heck.
When a person believes that they've been cursed, their body
can literally shut down. Anthropologists documented Australian Aborigin he's dying
within days of being pointed at by a sorcerer's bone.
That's crazy. This is proven case. It's pretty interesting. I

(55:18):
pointed my bone and my wife this morning and she said,
go to fucking work, is what she said. To get
out and go to fucking work. She did not. She's
not dead. And Haiti victims of voodoo death show cardiac
arrest without poison or injury. But that the core of
all of that fear is the ultimate magic. It rewires
your biology. The witch doesn't need a Wand if you've

(55:40):
already decided to die, if you've already decided that there's
a really good probability that you've had a cast, a
spell cast on you, that you're afflicted, that you're sick,
that you can I know for a fact that through
stressed and anxiety. You can worry yourself and do a
serious medical condition. I've seen people do it. It's pretty impressive,

(56:04):
this shit that your brain can do. Yeah, and I
you know, I talked a few months ago about my
doctor putting me on TRT, which you did, and one
my friend said, you're gonna really have just be careful
when you're getting it dialed in, because you'll go up

(56:27):
and you'll go down, and when you go down, you'll
experience the down that you've never felt before. Okay, just
because your hormones react in a way that they've never Essentially,
your your your testosterone is bottoming out if you're not
dialed in correctly, and typically when that happens, that's when
your fucking body releases more estrogen and that's when you
get bitch tits. Watch out for titties, man, I don't

(56:49):
know if it happens that way. I'm not sure. I
don't have titties. But here's what I do know. The
high was good before I was dialed in, and then
the crash was just like I experienced emotions and thoughts
and feelings I've never never felt before. You can tell
when you're coming off of it, for sure, I'm like,
I don't care if I die today. I don't fucking

(57:10):
me every day. Dog dude. I'll see it like I'll
pay for my lunch. It's like six dollars and I
just start crying, just like I can't afford this. I
just it it's awful. Yeah, so yeah, work with somebody
go that gets you died in if you do decide
to go that route. You'd think we kind of would
outgrow this black magic shit eventually, but we have not

(57:33):
because TikTok is full of manifestation rituals. They are just
watered down sigil magic. Reddit threads teach users how to
hex exes with hair and wax. There's entire market of
cursed mirrors and haunted rings on Etsy at the moment. Huh.
And twenty twenty, a British a British man named Powell
Reliwis claimed he was under a spell when he murdered

(57:54):
Libby Squire and Nigeria politicians still pay witch doctors for
protection before elections. Wow, you dumb motherfuckers, that's pretty cool.
You just just give me like one hundred bucks and
we'll let me each of me. You're gonna need six
figures at least, I'm a really good witch doctor. If
there's any Nigerian princess list, listen, I know they got

(58:15):
money over there. They're always trying to give me six
mil in my emails. That's true. And power and fear.
They haven't changed. They've just got better Wi Fi to
work with now there. And there's there is an old
saying in occult circles that says magic doesn't care if
you believe in it, it believes in you. Maybe black
magic isn't about demons or devils at all. Maybe it's

(58:35):
about what happens when humans look into the dark too
long and the dark starts to look back. Every curse,
every ritual, every forbidden book is really just a mirror.
You don't summon Lucifer. You summon yourself, the part that
wants power, the part that wants revenge or control. And
that's why it's dangerous. It changes you at your core
and is something that you not that you were not

(58:57):
before that you started to dance for the devil and
seeing these incantations and try and bring in all these
dark spirits and dark entities, but changes you. So perhaps
the night, don't try summoning anything. Don't like the candles,
don't speak the names. Just listen to the wind and
remember the darkness. Well, the darkness was here long before you,

(59:18):
and it's always listening for someone dumb enough to call it.
And maybe if you are interested in summoning saying, well,
let's talk about that right now. Maybe you've had a
fuck enough. Maybe you're tire your paychecks being little, tired
of not being on a skateboard like Tony Hawk. You're

(59:42):
tired of not being good at Fortnite Call duty. You're
tired of Halo not being released on the PlayStation platform,
which is happening in twenty twenty s. That's crazy, good authority. Crazy.
Xbox is, dad, dude, it's weird, weird thing. I fucking
dare one of my kids to try and bring an

(01:00:03):
Xbox into this house. I'll punch it, won't. You guys
have an Xbox? Yeah we have, But I typically play
the Xbox. I like the controller better, fucking gay dude,
That's the only reason I play it more. It reminds
you of holding a cocking balls, doesn't it.

Speaker 3 (01:00:18):
No?

Speaker 1 (01:00:18):
I like to I like where the joysticks are. I
like that they're staggered, like I feel like it's easier
to play. PlayStations are like right next to each other,
and I feel like it's just kind of hard to
not hard to maneuver, but my fingers are just more
comfortable on that one. I feel like the Xbox controller
is like one of those things you would play with
the inside recess at like a special needs school. Probably

(01:00:40):
why I like it. All right, kids raining outside, Get
the toys off the shelf, all right. Summoning Satan the
the point of summoning any demon or any type of

(01:01:02):
supernatural spirit is in order to get something from the interactions.
So one of the most important things to remember is
you have to be able to control yourself. You have
to be able to control whatever you perhaps summon. And
there is like a chant. It appeared to be like

(01:01:24):
a Latin chant. And I'm not gonna read that because
we've had some fun shit happened on down here before.
I'm not on that ship. Bro. I burnt the sage.
I talked my ship. Yeah you didn't even write it
in here, did you. I didn't. I don't see it.
I was looking at it. I was going to read it.

(01:01:44):
I started, I'll put it in here. Dad de Bala,
give me the power I beg of you, that's colet's play,
And I like, I can't even on the website that
I was using earlier because it isn't. I'm really not
going to read it, but I would like to see it.

(01:02:05):
It doesn't come back on Google. You gotta use the index.
You type in how to summon satan, and you got
a cultist dot net occultist dot net slash how dash
to dash summon dash satan. I wonder if we'd say
the words out of order, if it still has the
same I love ba ba yah, chap, Monday bat the ritual,

(01:02:33):
stand in front of mere naked. Fuck. Yeah, Tucker, your
penis between your legs, take a picture and send it
to your boss. Uh, there it is. That's a fucking paragraph.
It's a little, a little Harry. We don't know how
to pronounce any of that, so we were saying, we're

(01:02:56):
fucking too stupid to read that. Gloria autumn seas an octum,
Gloria autumn satanas in support. It can't oceanem is enema,
miama coremum phlomma infernalis ignis and aqua. Oh now, Gloria
ivocaccio satan. Nope, left the fucking desk just split in

(01:03:22):
halfway the with that diet coke just went up in
the air and slapped me across the face one of
my phone rings. And my doctor he's like, you're fucking dad,
you're dying. Really, the worst thing that can happen is
when you summon whatever you summon it is you is.
The worst that can happen is you allow it to

(01:03:43):
manipulate or control you. That is, that is legitimately the
worst thing that can happen. That can go as far
as making you unsettling to be around, or it can
inspire you to kill people. So that's what we don't want. There.
There is so for for you and I to try

(01:04:04):
and summon satan. We have to give something, okay, whether
it is our souls, our life. The devil's not gonna
just work with us. He's gonna want something for it,
whether it's our whatever it is. But there are people
in the black magic world called magicians, and they stand

(01:04:26):
out because they can. Magicians can summon satan without selling
their souls. Okay, So it's much like a they're a leader,
like a spiritual leader of the dark world. Don't the
used car salesman of souls very much. So they bring
the souls in, but they don't have to sacrifice their own.
Yeah yeah, So in order for you to add and

(01:04:50):
this is good, we we we may we may have
got the chant right for satan. Sure, but there are
things you have to do that lead up to the
actual ritual. Okay, starting with abstaining from sex for seven
days before the ritual. No pop file this problem. Ritual
does not hold up. So the thought process there to

(01:05:15):
abstain from sex for seven days is to build up
energy inside of your body. They want your fucking balls
full of come. Yeah whenever. Sometimes if my wife, if
we go a little while between, you know, sex, right
before I come, I'll I'll scream. I'll be like clear
the runway. I know it's gonna be a lot. Batten

(01:05:38):
down the hatches, get below deck. It's a kraken oh man.
Yeah yeah. Fuck when I dress up like the fish
sticks kind of yellow fucking raincoat like Gordon and fucking

(01:06:01):
what the fever the fuck that guy's name is, she
knows like come in and dressed like that that she's
like that poor girl feeding shamboo fish in the front row.
It's about to be harpooned. Yep, hell yeah, we're gonna
get wet this next one. I know definitely how we're
not gonna fucking make this happen. I could not do
these together. No, seven days abstaining from sex and then

(01:06:24):
three days of fasting. That does not sound like anything
I want to be a part of. I can do
three days straight of fast food, but I can't do
three days straight a fasting due that would they say
it's good for you, but I have a I don't
know how I feel about that. I think I think
you would be at that point. If I took a
shit and for not eating for three days, it would

(01:06:45):
look like a piece of chalk. I think you would
be okay. Just water and beef broth for three days,
you'd be all right. Dude, herd comes out like, help
me throw some water on me? Fuck it? Stakes of that?

(01:07:06):
No punk chops of blo sandwiches for three days? What
do you look at? You're trying to kill me? Why
are we talking for a poop dude? Probably that's why
people keep on unsubscribing. It's okay, it's fine, they're not cool.
Then you're gonna need uh and then beyond the seven

(01:07:28):
days of abstaining from sex, three days of fasting. You're
gonna need a black magician's robe, which everybody has one
of those. Yeah, you're gonna need a ritual dagger, much
like the Undertaker was gonna use to kill Stone Cold
on the Stone Cold counter. Like Paul Bear. You heard
him say, you're gonna need four black candles. Okay, you're
gonna need one purple or red candle. You're gonna need

(01:07:52):
some red paint, chalk powder, blindfold. You're gonna need some incense. Okay.
You're gonna start this by putting on your shit around
your fucking robe. Okay. Then you're gonna announce the ritual.
You're gonna light the endcense. You're gonna draw the pentagram

(01:08:13):
on the ground. You're gonna light up the candles, and
then you're gonna stand in the pentagram. Then you're going
to point the dagger at different points of the star,
and you're gonna chant the what we chanted earlier. Okay.
That is when if you've done everything right, you're fasted,

(01:08:33):
you're all nutted up, you're ready to fuck, you're hungry,
and you're ready to come, and you do it the
right way. This is when Satan will present himself. If
he does, in fact manifest, he usually manifests in the
form of a vision, found, a feeling of immense clarity,
or you will feel an urgency to communicate. That is

(01:08:57):
like you feel an urgency to commune kate. That's not
being performed by you. You feel like a need to
talk and you're not the one talking al much like
there's a pupper puppeteer controlling you. Okay, other people I
looked at like Satan rituals gone bad. A lot of

(01:09:19):
people claim that they had really horrible experiences and they
were preceded by like smells, sulfur say, is that the
typical pigs, farm animals. A lot of people spoke of
like burnt rubber, burnt hair. Burnt hair was another big one.

(01:09:40):
But it's it's literally just the worst smells possible. You
imagine walking a room it smells like pigs and burnt hair. God,
damn bitch. Yeah, that's an awful I'd be doing fucking
chanting that ship back. I'd be ho, Spirit, take this ship,

(01:10:01):
get the smell out of here. I'll be trying to
call God after that. Look, Jesus, I am offend of time,
im offend of I'll be trying to get him there
to clean up the big shit, but like someone burnt
the whole goddamn barn down. So that's how you that's

(01:10:23):
how you summon Santan. You announce the ritual, You light
the incense, you draw the pentagram, light up the candles,
stand at the pentagram, point the dagger at the different
points of the candles of the pentagram, and he will
in fact manifest himself, whether it be a vision, a sound,
a smell, a feeling of immense clarity, or an unh
like an uncontrollable urgency to communicate. One of the most

(01:10:49):
This is a really fun story from the just a
story from long ago about black magic, okay, And I
included the story because it's one of the most told
stories about black magic over the year, So I figured
I would include this and we would all get a
good kick out of it. This is about Mad Henry,
who was in fact a hermit. Mad Henry was a

(01:11:12):
hermit who lived alone in a decrepit mansion at the
edge of town. Rumors were rife about the Wild Eyed Man,
and some folks said that he was a magician who
called upon the powers of darkness to wreak havoc upon
his neighbors. And you recall we spoke briefly about magicians
in black magic. These are people that can summon summon

(01:11:35):
the magic of Satan without giving parts of themselves, called
sorcerers magicians. Others called him a mad doctor who could
restore life to foul corpses from the local cemetery. Nonetheless,
this guy had some very quality uh uh, these are
quality traits that could become in useful. No respectable citizen

(01:11:58):
in town had anything to do with Mad Henry. Then
one year a new family moved to town with a
lovely daughter, Rachel. She was a whore who caught mad
at a girl, Rachel. The horror part was not in there.
They moved the town with a lovely daughter named Rachel,
who caught Mad Henry's eye. He showered the maiden with

(01:12:21):
gifts goblets of pure gold, necklaces of pearl, and a
pot of daisies that never dropped a single pedal despite
the gifts, despite that pearl necklace not made of seamen,
Rachel fell in love with another Jeffrey, a handsome young

(01:12:41):
man just home from university. A week after meeting, they eloped,
leaving behind a stunned and angry mad Henry, a very
very capable Mad Henry. And when Rachel and Jeoffrey returned
from the elopement, God damn, I bet you there was

(01:13:01):
some butt smacking, ball flapping dow and the dew fucking stink.
They threw a big ball and invited everyone in town.
While Rachel was waltzing with her father, she heard a
clap of thunder. Lightning flashed again and again. Suddenly the
double doors blew open and a breeze whirled in, bringing

(01:13:24):
with it the smell of dead, decaying things. Mad Henry
loomed in the doorway, pupils gleaming with red anger. He
was followed by the grotesque figures of the dead, who
came marching two by two into the room. Their eye
sockets glowed with blue fire. As they surrounded the room.

(01:13:47):
Two of the corpses captured Jeoffrey and threw him down
at the feet of their lord and raped him. Fuck
red eyes gleaming, Mad Henry drew a silver bladed knife
and casually cut the bridegroom's throat from ear to ear.
Rachel screamed, she ran forward pushing through the foul, stinking

(01:14:11):
corpses of the dead and flung herself upon her dying
husband kill us booth. She cried desperately, but Mad Henry
he plucked the last out of the pool of blood
surrounding her dead husband, and carried her out into the
thundering night. Behind him, the army of the dead turned

(01:14:32):
from the grizzly scene and followed their master. The sounds
of thunder and lightning faded away as the alchemist and
his dead companions disappeared into the dark night. Good movie.
Jeffrey's father and Rachel's father gathered a small mob and
followed the evil hermit in tent upon saving young Rachel.

(01:14:56):
When they searched mad Henry's house, they found it completely empty,
save for a light which shone from a series of
mysterious globes that bob near the ceiling of each room.
Mad Henry had vanished. Search parties scoured the countryside for
days but turned up nothing. Jeffrey was buried in the

(01:15:19):
local cemetery and the dance hall was torn down. No
one in town spoke about what happened, and no one
dared imagine what had become of poor Rachel. A year
to the day after the ball, a timid knock sounded
upon the door of Rachel's parents' home. When her father
opened it, he saw a gaunt, gray figure on the stoop.

(01:15:43):
Her eyes were dull with exhaustion and pain. It was Rachel.
Her tongue had been cut so she couldn't speak. But
when she produced a knife from her tattered garments, the
knife with a silver blade that they had last seen
in the hands of mad Henry, the gleam of satisfaction

(01:16:04):
in Rachel's eyes told them that the streaks of blood
that coated the knife were those of mad Henry. That night,
Rachel died in her sleep with a peaceful smile upon
her ravaged face. Inside me, there's two wolves. One is gay,

(01:16:31):
the other is gay.

Speaker 5 (01:16:33):
Inside of me, there are two gay wolves. Inside of
mad Henry was a knife there was After reading further down,
I did mention that Jeffrey was raped.

Speaker 1 (01:16:51):
That was not true. If you didn't know, there's nothing
in that fun story the right it is fun, i'llbe it.
There was no raping, but true it's a true story.
I do know it's a true story. Yeah, because I look,
there's a police report and I read it okay, and

(01:17:11):
that's why I made the raping part up. Oh yeah,
you got improvise black magic Baby cool Man. Don't be
wearing chapstick, guys, it's fucking gay if you do. I
don't think chapstick's gay. I just think when you push
your lips, push your out there, those are kind of gay.

(01:17:32):
But it's the act of doing it. It's not wearing
it that's gay. Right. Yeah. I like eating a popsicle.
I put on a lot too. Oh do I do to.
I overuse everything that I put on, and sometimes if
I get really horny, I'll take them by. It's a
bite of it. I'll take a buy the chapstick and
I'll chew it up. What's the most heterosexual way to

(01:17:53):
put on chapstick? Put it on your finger and then
rub it around probably, Yeah, put it on Satan's anus
and just take it straight off the Yeah. It's like
if you're worried about, like eating a hot dog in publics,
a lot of people say, you know, you look gay.
You gotta like rip the hot dog apart and then
put it in your mouth. You know, I've never found
an ungay way to eat a popsicle. Though, when I

(01:18:14):
worked in the chow hall in prison, those guys would
on banana Day, they would get so just uneasy and
I'm just looking around. These dudes would literally he's a fork,
take fucking spoons and they would leave the banana in
the peel and they would eat it like cereal. It's
so weird, and they just scow at one another like

(01:18:36):
mother fucking gay shit about me and eating his gay
as banana bitch, I'll have a spoon out of and
carving it into a dick. So funny story. There was
me and another fellow that worked in the chow hall
there who I'm still very good friends with. On Banana Day,
we would Banana Day made it seem like it was

(01:18:59):
like a fucking like a high priority day in the prison.
This gets better on Banana Day before I get there.
On Orange Day, they would always keep the oranges in
a deep like a deep freezer, so they were really
really cold, and nobody would eat the oranges. So on
Orange Day, I would take all the oranges and when
they would go dump their trays, I would take their

(01:19:21):
oranges and I would squeeze them into a picture okay,
and I would put and I would keep the picture
in like a thirty two degree fridge, and I would
go in there and I squeeze the orange, squeeze the orange,
and then by the end of my shift, I would
have like a gallon and a half of the most
freshly squeezed orange juice. And then we would all sit
down and have cups of orange juice together and there
everyone's like, this is great. What do you put it
in here? I'm like, it's just oranges? Yeah great? What

(01:19:44):
On banana day?

Speaker 5 (01:19:45):
Uh?

Speaker 1 (01:19:47):
Calling bee, we would take our ink pins and we
would retract the ink and we would go to the bananas.
You know when you're write on a banana bruises it. Yeah. Yeah.
So we would write like fuck you and draw swastikas
and shit, or we would all like dix on the banana,
on the bananas, or say eat this if you're gay.
We would just write all kinds of fucking dumb shits

(01:20:09):
on the bananas. And then these guys always come like, man,
I need another banana. Man this one says fucking gay.
Like they get mad, they go back like I legitimately
hurt them. When they read they would see that, they'd
say eat this banana. If you're gay, and they would
take it back up there and I would be running
the line. Man, I need a new fucking banana, because
they knew they couldn't go through the line more than once.

(01:20:30):
They'd be like, I eat this gad shit, man, give
me another banana. I'm just like you wrote that. Man,
Come on, like, it's just the rapper. Just take it
out of the wrapper. Just want got out hitler thing
on it. Dude, say funny someone you as Swazika, I
do whatever whatever we we draw kinds of dumb shit

(01:20:50):
on there. Yeah, it's just mental warfare. Sure, and uh,
I do appreciate that. I called it a rapper and
you didn't say anything. What the peel of the banana
that you gotta take it out of its wrapper? Nature's rapper.
You're a step on a banana peel. I have it.
We've talked about this before. It scary situation. You said,

(01:21:11):
it's like the cartoons worse. Really, let's step on some
banana peels this weekend. Okay, I'm down with that for
your birthday. Yeah. Does it gotta be on a slick floor?
If it is on concrete, slip floor, slippery floor, it's terrifying.
Is it. Have you done it on like a chorus
ground like it still it's still still slippery. I know
a guy that got a early medical retirement from stepping

(01:21:33):
on a banana pel and still walking up really fucking
blew out his knee and his hip. Dude, and that's
all of it. I think if you were still on
two banana peels, I could push you from one side
of your house to the other. Really, that's how slippery
they are. That's pretty that's pretty crazy. I mean you
would assume, but I wouldn't think that it was that bad.
It's really freaking bad. Interesting, if you're listening to this

(01:21:56):
and you have a banana, step on it, put in
your ass, draw a dick on the banana with no
if you have like tile in your kitchen, just eat
the banana, throw the peel on the ground, just like
rub it around your foot and see what it feels like.
You be God damn okay. And the words of my

(01:22:16):
father when something's very slippery, he see, he would always say,
that's slipprier than a minno's dick, and that's what you'll feel. Yeah,
my grandpa used to say a minno's pecker. Yeah, there
was another thing my dad used to say, but I
can't say it on air. It was inward snot. What's that?

(01:22:40):
That's what he'd say. It's slipperer than inward snot. Okay,
I don't know. And I'd say, Dad, that's bad man. Yeah,
he said, Oh no, I'm not being mean. It's the
word tell a story snot. Boy, you got a snot?
Said snot.

Speaker 4 (01:23:00):
I'm scared dad.

Speaker 1 (01:23:04):
All right, guys, we'll enjoy this episode of black Magic,
and hopefully you learn how to summon Satan. And if you, uh,
if you summon Satan, give us this, send us an
email if you do summon him, or send us the
email says I want the poop, I don't want the poop. Whatever,
whatever you whatever you want. So love you guys. We

(01:23:25):
will see you guys again in probably two days. Yeah.
And Rob Dog said he's got an episode of story
Time with Rob. Yeah, it's probably this week. And got
looks you four for a way? Yeah cool? All right,
love you guys.

Speaker 2 (01:23:50):
Arrest when one understands it, they become aged less, they
become death less, they become immortal.

Speaker 1 (01:24:05):
Sometime off some time. God, they are the ss beking
of talks. Now. Oh no, oh no, no, come on

(01:24:28):
no no, no, no.

Speaker 3 (01:24:34):
On no take great telling the entertainer.

Speaker 1 (01:24:43):
He is a holding the entertainer.

Speaker 3 (01:24:45):
But I'm gonna tell answers.

Speaker 4 (01:24:49):
Often going home, I'm thinking, okay, off this.

Speaker 3 (01:24:54):
Yeah, off the damn what.

Speaker 1 (01:25:00):
Hey, here's the undertaker. Often at the same he was running.

Speaker 3 (01:25:04):
When he H God, I want to see your dass,

(01:25:33):
dick

Speaker 1 (01:25:59):
H