THE BROHIO CONFESSIONAL

Wanna submit a confession??

brohiopodcast.com/confessions

Find Us on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/c/Brohiopodcast
We Live Stream All Our Episodes! youtube.com/brohiopodcast

Find us on all the socials @BrohioPodcast

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:14):
Oh, I know, alsd.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
We were reviewing Pearl Jam lyrics just a minute ago. Yeah,
because you can't fucking understand a word, he says, And
we realized that we did not know a single word
to let Yellow led better. He's singing about a fucking
porch for the first five minutes of that song. I
would have never thought that. I wouldn't even have been
able to tell you. The title of that song is
how out of I can touch with the lyrics that

(00:48):
I fucking This is one of the songs I learned
on the guitar when I was a young lad. Yeah,
I play it and everyone's like, fuck yeah, man, Like what
else you know? I'm like, not much else. Jols. Welcome
into the Burhio Confessionals. I'm uh not a gay priest,
but I'm here to accept your confessions. I'm the delicious

(01:09):
and delicious that was a good introduction the gay priest.
Yet I'm the boy that got touched by the gay priest.
There were two different I don't I think I might
have put one in there. There were several confessions in
reference to you being gay specifically okay, and there was

(01:29):
one confessions that somebody did something on a second, I
thought it was mean. I didn't like it. The I
once fucked Nancy Pelosi for a picture of Rob's bald head. Asshole.

(01:52):
You don't get to get off twice, buddy. Yeah, dave
some for the rest of us. Uh on YouTube the
Nika Pikes that I just want to say, I appreciate
you guys so much. I've been through the roughest stretch
of my life recently, and I've been getting it through
it with listening to you guys. Well, thank you so much.

(02:13):
I'm uh, We're very humble that we're the soundtrack of
your happiness even though you're going through a time that
it's worse. You think it's bad, now just wait, wait
till you go to the way you get to the
end of this episode. That's life, though, man, life has
some fucking crazy ups and some hellacious downs and you

(02:33):
gotta you's gotta keep going. Yeah, it is life. But
sometimes people struggle. It's all kind of relevant to them,
and that's what It's hard to put yourself in their shoes,
and we most certainly can't put ourselves in any of
your shoes, but we can say that we love you,
We're here for you. There are people out there. If
you need to talk to somebody, including us, we'd love

(02:54):
to keep you around for another year while we continue
to do this. And while you may feel like you
may feel like you have nobody, but you're here with us, yeah,
and we care about you. We see you, we feel you,
and we're glad to have you here. So you may
feel like you have no friends in the entire world,
this time is this time is hard for everybody anyways.
I mean, it makes everything, the little stuff makes it

(03:16):
everything a little bit fucking worse. And it's a hard
time of year. With Rob Dog and I be in
like famous podcasters and like really cool dudes, we're pretty
much like three people the equivalent of three people each.
So you may feel like you have no friends, but
you actually have us. And that's like having six friends.
A lot of friends, man, a lot of friends, dude.

(03:37):
I bet you I don't have like six good friends.
I got friends. I got a lot of friends. Yeah, yeah,
but I don't think I got six good friends. Good
is the that's the keyword there. You think you get
six motherfuckers the show up tomorrow to help you move? No, right, No,
I'd say you could get three. Yeah, three to four. Yeah,

(03:58):
and then one personal show up at the very end
after everything's you want me to move? That's why people
always call me. They're like, man, look at this fucking
size of his head. He can pick some heavy shit up.
Get him on the get him on the payroll. Man.
I think when I moved it was just you and I.
It was dude, maybe maybe Ricky. I can't remember Ricky

(04:18):
was there or not. We busted it out though, Yeah,
we kicked the ass. Fuck did it? Your kids were
sleeping on the mattresses, carried them mountain. I moved them
with a You're like, hey, you guys gotta wake up.
It's like four o'clock in the afternoon. We gotta move
this goddamn thing. You hit the funk out of here.
Oh ship, Yeah, I remember. We had to move Google
to a different spot. Yeah, because he was sleeping hard dude,

(04:39):
what a bag of ship. Still I love that little
fucking meat ball. Yeah. All right, Well, this is the
Bruhya Confessions where you guys can send in your deepest,
darkest confessions. Maybe you'd like to be beature on this episode.
It's quite this easy. Go to your browser and on
your phone not Safari use Chrome type OnlyFans dot com

(05:01):
slash Brohio. Oh, it's gonna be fifty dollars to subscribe
some dirty stuff on there, But there is a video
of me fucking myself with a two of tennis balls,
brand new ones with the with the seal still on
top of it. You know, you got to open those

(05:21):
like you're opening up some fucking Inchilata sauce or something.
Take a fucking hit out of that. Yeah, we would,
We're We're glad you're here. No, if you would like
to go to uh brohio podcast dot com slash confession
confessions one of those things rohio podcast dot com slash confessions,

(05:45):
and there's anonymous link there you can sub you can
submit it. You can tell us your story, your confessions
about that time your mom, dad, brother, uncle, sister boogered
you and how you went back for more. Oh god,
I've been boogered. You got to see it through to
the very end. I did some booger in last night, buddy.
Oh shit. I was like, I'm I'm really Uh, there's

(06:08):
one story in here that kind of made me chuck
a little bit. I'm looking forward to get to it.
About this guy. He just fucks everything inanimate things. Hell yeah,
he fu like he like goes through why he doesn't
like fucking guys, but he does it anyways. You know,
like if you just pretend it's Pamily Anderson or something
like that, it's just a real hairy ass with sand

(06:33):
Pamily Anderson Baywatch because she got sand in her butt. Man,
that's what a really hairy butt feels like a sand.
I bet it does look act like we don't know.
I don't know. You have no idea.

Speaker 3 (06:47):
You will have to ask somebody else. I want to
see you now, I'm on a water li Then you
say I want to leave it again.

Speaker 2 (07:07):
I just want to know you're gonna segue out of that,
and he went right back into it. I was in
the second verse. Who fucking ruined it? I didn't say anything.
I was like, what's he gonna do? What's he gonna do? Dude?
That was what I've been listening to a lot of
Knock Loose. I think you're you're the one that got
me turned on to them, But I've been listen to
a lot of knock Loose. Dude, that's such a good
fucking band. I don't like that music. Like that. Music

(07:29):
has never been one for me. I've always made fun
of it. Yeah, I'll like when I hear people playing
it or singing it, I'll like start shaking my dick
out of them and stuff because I think they're losers.
But knock loose, dude, that ship fucking hits. It's just
pure fucking aggression. Oh my god, I wanted to commit
a felony today on the way to work. Yeah, I
was like, I dare a cop to pull me over.

(07:50):
It's so good. How hard is it to get that
done out of your daughter? You? Motherfuck? Is that? They
put on a really good show too. Yeah, that was
the thing. I started looking for their tour. They're not
coming around here anytime soon, But I want to get
in a mosh pit. I've never been in a mosh pit.
That's that'd be. That's a wild one. I think I
would do okay to mash It could be okay. I'm
a force of nature once I get moving. But there's

(08:11):
some big fellows in there. There is there's also a
lot of little guys and yeah, girls, Yeah, you can
definitely fuck up them girls. I'll beat the shit out
of a girl. You take them on. I dear, a
fucking girl, get in my face. There's always these ones.
They'll just fucking they'll show up and they'll have like
the fucking uh die highs on, and they'll have like

(08:31):
a skirt and always be out in the middle just dancing,
like just like watching it burn around. I'm just slu
dancing and I'm like, fuck, yeah, get it. Get a
girl knock her tits right. First confession comes from Mayonnaise Monkey.
I'm sorry, well, wait a second, Hey there, Mayonnaise Monkey.
Oh yeah, mayonnaise Monkey. Sounds like a slur, it does,

(08:53):
But we're we're not that kind of podcast. Those kinds
of podcasts are allowed to be on Apple and stuff.
We don't condone those, No, not at all. Hey there,
mayonnaise Monkey. I'm sorry, Hey there, mayonnaise Monkey. Here, I'm
just going to get straight to it. I wanted to
fuck my cousin. Okay, here we go. No, that's it.

(09:19):
That's where we ended right there. We don't want to
give any more content. She came on to me one
day over Snapchat, and we started sending nudes to each
other and decided that we wanted to fuck. But she
took it a little far and wanted me to be
the one to take her virginity, and that was a
no for me. Love you but shuggers, all right. I
remember growing up there was a fellow across the street

(09:42):
and he and his sister shared a room essentially, and
it was divided by like a half wall and a blanket.
And one day I was like, you ever think about
watching her get dressed? And he's like, fuck no, So

(10:04):
he's pretty set. And the fact that he didn't want
want to watch his sister get naked. I would always
say that. We always had this other kid that, uh
was in our grade who had a pretty fucking good
looking older sister and uh, what was his first name? Matt? Oh? Yeah, yeah,
I was about to add this was Matt Cantrell. I
was gonna ask you. Yeah, you know, we would always
say shit like that to him. Yeah, like you ever

(10:25):
seen her naked?

Speaker 4 (10:28):
He's like no, fuck yeah, dude, fuck yeah, that's so stupid.

Speaker 2 (10:35):
But hell yeah, man, I get it's one thing to
fucking It's one thing to want to slam your cousin.
It's another thing to want to pop that cherry dog. Yeah, dude,
the cousin thing is just too Like I saw my
cousin the other day and I'm like, God, damn, she's ugly, dude.
I mean that a nice Christian christ way. Yeah, I

(10:57):
mean like James three eleven says in the Bible, if
you have an ugly cousin, no fucker or whatever it
says in the something like that in the Bible. It's
up to your interpretation, right. Yeah. I keep on having dreams.
I'm in church, man, really like real church, like worshiping
the Lord and stuff. Man, Like, are you going hard?
Like not not dickwise, but I mean like, are you
like really praying? I'm crying, dude, are you rolling? There's

(11:19):
like naked old guys praying over me and ship. I
don't know if they're naked or not, but people just like,
sorry to fart, stuck. It's still stuck. So I'm not
gonna fart for you guys at this episode. Yeah, but
I don't know what kind of church it is, so
I'm not gonna I'm not gonna say that I need
to go to church. Yeah, And if I start going
to church, this podcast is over. We're essentially you're like,

(11:43):
how about you not doing that house. Let's forget about
this dream. Let's leave it as a dream. The fucking
uh the like middle aged adult to religious fanatic pipeline
is pretty pretty prominent right now, pretty weird. Well it is, Yeah,

(12:06):
it is, and I I if it is true, I
want to be right in the end, you know. Yeah,
I don't want to go to hell if I don't
have to, I'm not I'm not wasting sleep over Yeah,
I'm not wasting sleep over it either. If I'm wrong,
it's gonna be too fucking late to fix it. Anyways.
I'm like, God, damn, you're a bastard. I think that
if if they're really if we're fucking talking about religion

(12:29):
here says this sucks. But I will say, if there
really is something in the afterlife and they've physically not
shown really any proof that there is, and I get
blamed for not believing in something that there's no physical
proof of, then that kind of sucks for them, you

(12:53):
know what I mean. Deliberating for you though, Yeah, fucking later, dude,
never proved it. I'm going simply, what if we were
bad enough, what if we're here's the thing, what if
we're bad enough, did we get to hell? And Satan's like, fuck, yeah, dude,
let's go do coke. I want to play beer pong
with these dumb asses or whatever. They're just we're just

(13:15):
so much fun that we're picked as like the cool
kids to hang out with Satan. That'd be kind of cool.
It would be cool. He'd be like, how do you
feel like getting pussy fifty times a night? But we're
the pussy. He turns us into a pussy. He grabs
us like a flash light. We're in, let's go. He

(13:37):
grabs like a fucking de Cel flashlight. Fucking kiss, starts
playing really loud. I don't only have anything. We're gonna be
the ones left in limbo. Yeah, we're gonna be ghosts.
We're gonna get a manager that goes to his manager like, hey,
I don't really don't know what the fuck we told

(13:59):
a lot. I'm so close. They're gonna be like I
just fucking leave them. They're pretty cool. We keep on
making everybody laugh. But I don't think we can let
them in. Yeah. I think we got some of the
other direction, but they're too nice. They give the wrong Uh,
they'll give the wrong perception everybody else. You don't know
what to do with these two fucking just get rid
of them do something. Uh, hey, bro's not a confession,

(14:22):
Bud asking here because it's been a bit since the
Battlefield of Love and uh, I would love the bros insight.
I'm expecting my first baby in January. Congratulations and we
are super excited. But curious if you guys felt a
little sad when your first were born that it wouldn't
be just you and your wives anymore. If that's something
you guys went through, how did you deal with it? Thanks?

(14:45):
Good question. It's a great question. So for the first
three weeks after we had our first daughter, I kept
on fighting with my wife and telling her that it
wasn't mine and that, coupled with post artom, it really
didn't make me want to be around my wife at all.

(15:07):
That's not my fucking child. I would say. I never
got the feeling that I that it that oh, it's
not gonna be us anymore. What I will say is congratulations.
First of all, in my opinion, your life is changing
in a way that it will never change again. This
is the most foundational shift that you'll go through in

(15:31):
your entire life, aside from like going to prison or
something I imagine, but every single thing that happens after
the child is born. It feels like it's just a
more rich environment, like your your livelihood feels more meaningful,

(15:52):
whereas before you're just kind of like, you know what,
don't I just floating by? But I have I will
say that I hope that you're not like this. What
I am encountering more and more of are the most
self absorbed, just self centered, douchebag guys that just want

(16:13):
to sit on their fucking asses and play video games
and be waited on hand and foot and don't really
like what matters to them is getting their monster energy drink,
playing their games, eat, sleep, repeat, like that's all they
care about. And I would challenge you to accept the
mentality of you are now living for somebody else. You

(16:36):
have a remarkable responsibility, that's being you're being blessed with.
And there's not a single day of raising these kids
where I've regretted a single second of it. I had
some fucking cheerleading fees do today for one hundred and

(16:57):
seventy five dollars, and I said, you know what, this
fucking sucks. But in the same light, I was like,
this is something she wants to do, making her happy.
She's never had to hear the word no for me
about something like this where my parents treated me the
same way, and it felt good to be able to
explore and experience and do things. But your wife and

(17:21):
your girlfriend or your wife and you will go through
challenging times. You might. You're probably not gonna get laid
for a really long time after the baby comes, and
when you do finally have sex, it's gonna be really
fucking weird. Her tits are gonna be leaking yet to
get you a sip. You're gonna be getting a boner
over a hole of a baby crawled out of. So
you're nasty for that crawled man. But your life is

(17:45):
gonna change it. It's gonna be different, yeah, big time.
And you're gonna you're gonna adjust. I'm not I'm not
telling you you need to adjust. I'm saying you, as
a human, you're going to adjust. And things are gonna
be awesome. That baby's gonna start to smile, that baby's
gonna start to develop personality. You're gonna be proud to
show the people in your life this baby that they're
just gonna swoon over. And it's gonna bring you an

(18:05):
immense amount of joy that's gonna help fill that void
of man, I missed it when it was just us.
But uh, one one great piece of advice that I
will give that, Yeah, you're gonna feel that feeling of
I miss it when it was just like when it
was just us, But act on that. Man does a
does a woman love to be courted and have a

(18:25):
date planned for her with with not having to think
or be Just say, babe, here's what the dress attire
will be tonight. I've got a babysitter, I've got dinner
and something else lined up for us. Let me take
you out. So don't want that fire, doesn't want that
flamed die. Act on that. Take your wife out. Be friends,
continue to date one another. Don't give up on dating

(18:47):
one another just because there's a baby. You might not
be able to fuck the baby, but you can still
fuck your wife. You know what I mean? Please God,
don't fuck the baby. The one thing, the one thing
that I'll say also, is that the fact, the fact
that you're even concerned with, you know, being sad that

(19:10):
it's not just you two anymore makes sense. It's it
says a lot about your relationship with your girl. Because
that means that you know, you're you're concerned with your
guys' relationship and if this is gonna change it. So
saying that means obviously, you guys already have a good
relationship in the first place, and there's a lot of

(19:31):
people who will go into having a baby with somebody
to try to try to save a relationship or to
try to not really worry about these things, or to move,
you know, try to get out of this rut or
whatever it is. But maybe she'll stop fucking other guys
if I get her pregnant. But yeah, I mean the
fact that you're already even thinking about this, it's it's

(19:54):
good for you. It's good for you guys that you
know you're worried about your relationship. And this is it's
not even a whole chapters is literally a whole nother book,
and you get to experience all these cool things that
you know you're that's gonna happen with your kid, all
these firsts, all these big milestones, and you guys get
to do it together. So I mean, it's it's huge,

(20:15):
it's gonna be fun. And don't forget also that first off,
nobody's ready to have kids, no matter what you think, Yeah,
you figure it out. And this is the thing. The
baby sleeps a lot. The baby sleeps a lot, whether
it's you know, broken or whatever, like broken sleep, not
just all the way through the night. But that baby
is like a fucking cat. They sleep the quite often.

(20:38):
And that's you know, time that you can spend with her.
And you guys can even do little things just fucking rest.
Do a puzzle. Do one of those like cast moldings
of your wiener where yeah, you put your penis in
like a bucket with pink stuff in it. You make
that for her. Going back to the puzzle, I mean,
if your if your wife has vaginal birth, you're gonna
have to put that pussy back together like a puzzle.

(20:59):
Brother dumpty by the fighter, Pelvis rest baby. Wait to
hear that. Wait you hear there. The doctors say, pelvis rest,
pelvic rest. Man. Oh, you're gonna have a good time
to be great. Yet you'll you guys will be fine.
Then they start to get older and they're a lot
of fun. They wreck cars until they're not. Yeah, they

(21:21):
wrecked cars. They steal alcohol. You're in court tonight for
assured clear distance and we live to fight another day. Luckily,
my daughter, she called Saul. She had me and my
wife likes to wrestle with my boys, and I'm pretty
sure one of them broke her finger last night. I

(21:41):
can't imagine your wife doing anything like that. Pretty fucking
Oh no, Yeah, they go, they fucking they wrestle on everything,
and she doesn't like to not get the last hit.
Oh evn Carter doesn't like not getting the last hit,
so bite. They just step in between them like three times,
are you guys are done? Done? That kind of fight though,

(22:03):
And then her fucking finger got caught up in his
shirt or something and he moved and she's gonna lose it. Yep,
you gotta cut it off. Amputate. Yeah, I'll do it.
I'll wear the Lucha Libre basket when I do it.
Every night, I go to bed with a large Gatorade
and drink some before bed, and then if I wake
up thirsty, I have something to drink in the middle
of the night. I would try water, but I digress.

(22:24):
One night in particular, I woke up and had to
piss really bad, probably because I drank all that goddamn gatorade.
Makes sense, My bathroom is downstairs and on the far
end of the house, and it was too lazy to
go down and use the toilet, so I grabbed the
gatorade bottle. Oh no, I pissed in it. I closed
the cap, and I went back to sleep. Oh sometime later,
I woke up to my wife gagging and beating the

(22:46):
shit out of me because she woke up thirsty and
just started down in my fucking gatorade. But you know,
if it was piss, I'm sorry, but you know it
was piss. She never let it. She never live it down.
And I always make fun of her for drinking my piss.
They called that peterade. Drank a big old She's fucking

(23:08):
shaking like Jeffrey, Jeffrey, what what? I just drink her
fucking catarade. You have a fucking kidney stone. This is
the worst flavor Gatorade ever. The fucking truck her bombs.
She's sipping from your Catarade's all standy. Oh shit love it.

(23:33):
You ever drink piss with a canker sore before? Never
drink piss ever? Oh man. We paid some dude eleven
dollars a drink piss at my twelfth birthday party, Lucas.
I mean I figured it and then he fell asleep.
We took the money back out of his pocket, so
he did drink it. Drink dorse did I guess we're

(23:54):
talking just a cup full. I mean we were all twelve,
we had smaller bladders, Just like, was it one one
person's piss or was it a you know, I don't remember,
but I do remember this part. Was it a suicide
of piss? He drank it and he spit it back
in the cup and he said no way. And they
were like, well, you don't get the money if you
don't drink it, and then you fucking drank the piss
that he'd already spit back in the cup. And then

(24:19):
my little brother went and took a ship and we're like,
we got one more thing for you, thirty three cents. No,
we didn't offer any money on it for this one.
We just dared him. We're like, we dare you to
pick up Ryan's turn. And he went down to the
bathroom and he picked it up like a snake. Dude.

(24:43):
It's funny, because yeah, that would do that. We got
so much fucking trouble. The gym teacher found out about it.
He told our moms. That's so fucked. That was like

(25:04):
all all of that was when his mom came over
to yell at me, and they came over and she's like, Nick,
you two go to your room. I have talked to
your mom. And we went into my room and my
dad brought home with them like fucking like highly autistic
Junkyard dogs named Quirky, the really bad one that just

(25:27):
killed everybody and everything. And when we were in the bedroom,
we put Lucas in a sleeping bag and we duct
taped it shut, and then we had like these pool
noodles and we started like these nerf these nerf bats,
and we started beating him with the nerf bats and
the dogs start biting him through the dog. The dogs
start biting him through the the Ninja turtles sleeping bag.

(25:50):
He's like he was getting beat. Wasn't even those dogs.
The dog would be biting you guys for being aggressive.
The dog was like Malin wall and Rottweiler.

Speaker 5 (26:01):
Dude.

Speaker 2 (26:01):
It was like the meanest mean, the meanest dog ever.
And then finally his mom comes in like opens the
door like we need you boys out here, and I
walk out there and they're like, where's Lucas? I was like,
he's in the sleeping bag in the living in the
bedroom because we duct taped it shut. It's so funny
because you don't even know your mom's fucking cussing you

(26:23):
guys out for in trouble for making him drink pists
and pick up poop. You are beating the fuck out
and letting your dog eat him. So then they go
in there like they did, get scissors to open the
under the duct tape and it gets out and his
arms are all bleeding and ship from the dog biting
him with his puppy teeth through the through the sleeping bagh.

(26:46):
That's so funny. That's my kid's favorite story. Man. That's
so funny. Do they know him? I wouldn't know. No,
they don't. They hear, they hear, like make references about him.
Sometimes I'll threaten my wife to like let him come
in here and fucker and shit. I'll be like, you better,

(27:08):
fucking quitter. I'll let him come in here and tear
your ass from one end to the other. I'll let
him peel you open like a startine can. They're like,
who's that? That was almost your dad, dude, that's fun.
Oh shit, that is a lot. It's a good times.

(27:30):
I started listening to your podcast maybe two years ago.
I started in the middle, probably the Clinton episode, and
I really like you guys, so I started listening to
some old from some other episodes. But for the first
few weeks I was fairly certain you were a nice
gay couple. And I started hearing about your wife and
I thought, well, maybe it's just Rob, it's gay. Maybe

(27:53):
you used to be married and now you're together. So
fast forward two years later, I'm pretty sure and Rob
is definitely gay. Thanks for the last see lots of
Robs slander and you're going on this league. Man, It's okay.
I'll take it. If the worst thing someone could say
about me is I'm gay, then you don't prove it.

(28:14):
I have one. Put your weirder in my mouth and
see what I do with it. Dude. Five years ago,
I had a tender hooked up go wrong. She arrived
resembling the girl from the horror movie The Ring, long
curly hair over her face, exotic. This was probably a dude.
What was initially supposed to be a night of scary
movies turned into her asking me to fuck her. With

(28:36):
a gun to her head. Jesus damn. Maybe Holy fuck.
Having not explored any kinks at that time, and definitely
not have explored gun play, I don't even have a gun.
I was horrified. I asked what got her into it,
and she informed me her last boyfriend had shot himself
and it makes her feel closer to him. Oh my god,

(29:00):
Good lord. I refused, and she later pulled a kitchen
knife on me. Dude, you know this girl fucked like
a porn star. It sounds like yeah. To this day,
I wonder if if I should have just went along
with her kink. I missed the thought of her dearly.
That's kind of sad. She wanted to be a fucker

(29:20):
with a gun to her head. She had a bad
track record with xes though. Man, you probably would have. Dude,
if my wife was like, oh, want you a fuck
me with a gun in my head, I'd be like,
can we just fuck each other instead? Can we just
fuck the ship? Can I just fuck you so hard?
Can I just fuck you so hard that you'll wish
you got shot? Can I shoot you with cum instead

(29:44):
of a real gun? Preferably? Can I shoot you with
something that that's not gonna get me life in fucking prison.
Were sitting there. All of a sudden, your phone rings.
You answer, He seeds to me, calling, Hey, what's up? Hey?
Can I come get a gun? I need a gun?
I need a gun quick. I don't own there's this

(30:06):
really hot chick that wants me to hold under her
forehead while I fuck her. Hey, I'm the friend that
would pull through a bit. I got you donny bullets
in it. He's a fucking nerf dark hanging out the
tip use this nerf bat I used on that. Oh shit,
is this me already to Yeah? During my single hoe phase,

(30:27):
I was house sitting for a friend. I had a
dude over for some afternoon delight. She was coming home soon,
so I left without washing the sheets. That's that's a
bad friend right there. But that's not the worst part.
When I got home, my regular hangout and bang buddy
came over. He wanted to go down on me, but
I told him that he needed to take a shower first.

(30:47):
He was insistent that I didn't need to shower first.
I was fine, so he went down on me with
the essence of the other dude's afternoon delight still in there. Yeah,
I ain't fucking eating the cream filling out of that
or you know it's call when you're eating out a girl,
it's been comed in. It's called a cadberry egg, cadberry

(31:12):
cream egg. I don't like that. Come on, buddy, I
do like cadberry cream egg, not that type. I every
time I've eaten a cadberry cream egg in my life.
The commercials make them seem delicious. They do, but then
when I eat it, I'm like, this is what it
feels like to have someone come in your mouth. For
sure me Like I eat it and like I feel

(31:33):
like I could feel myself like developing diabetes. It's so
incredibly sweet, it's it's it's a heart eat. I'll still
eat it. She said, that's what. That's what that guy
said right there, that last one. I'm a hard eat. Yeah,
I'm gonna make I'm gonna get a T shirt made
that says I'm a hard eat, I'm a heart eat.

(31:55):
Back in the twenty tens, when I was about twenty
two years old, my girlfriend lived with me. She was
fun and freaky. It was my twenty second or twenty
third birthday and my friend Chris was staying for a
day or two. Honestly, he wasn't a great friend, but
a longtime friend. He brought his girlfriend and our girlfriends.
They hit it off, so it was gonna be a

(32:17):
good weekend. We were hanging out smoking and dude had
to go to work, go to work, so his girl
stayed to hang out with my girl. We do a
little pregaming, and eventually my girl takes me to the
bedroom and tells me she has a birthday present for me,
but I have to put on a blindfold. Bad hell. Yeah.
So I'm sitting on the bed, blindfolded, waiting for a

(32:40):
blowjob with a slippery finger or something else. She comes
back in and my pants come off, and exactly what
you think is gonna happen starts happening. And then she
comes up and kisses me. But the blowjob just kept happening.
The blowjob just kept happening. All I could do was
say what the fuck? And they both started laughing. Dude's

(33:04):
girlfriend was the surprise. Needless to say, I sat my
blind blind forward and asked there, let them do their thing.
Happy birthday to me. Flash four to eight hours and
it's like eleven pm. He's off work and we're all partying,
having a good time. The happy couple goes out front
to smoke a cigarette. Next thing I know, we hear

(33:25):
the demons are coming to rape me. Shit. Me and
my girl look at each other like, what the fuck again?
The demons are back to rape me? Oh shit, this
isn't good. Long story shirt short. This girl had a
full blown episode about demons. My girl had to hold
her down in the front yard. Nine one one was
called and the fire department police showed up to draw

(33:46):
out any neighbors that they hadn't come outside yet. They
all circled around and told my girlfriend to hang in there.
They prepared a game plan and scooped this girl up
and tied her to the bed. And I'm shitting myself, like,
am I the demon? Is this crazy chicken to try
and say something? Turns out she did try, but she
said my friend beat her up. Oh he was even arrested.

(34:10):
I took him to court and the prosecutor told the
judge she found out the girl was crazy, sorry and
drop the charges. We saw a news crew on the
way home and hung out the window yelling, ain't gooda
good a jail today? It was pretty fucked up, but
looking back, this shit was hilarious. That's fucking wild. You
got a double blow job, dude. Yeah, man, that's really cool.

(34:33):
That's really cool. Good for you. Yeah, fucking I don't
know about that. That bitch of seems wild. You might
have dodged one, don't. Someone's claiming to see a demon
after she's had your winger inside her. Yeah, you got
fucking you got that fucking sour dour sperm dog. I'd
say your dick is nasty, it's spoiled. Your dick is spoiled, it'sled.

(34:58):
If you have a spoiled Dixon a snee hyopodcast at
gmail dot com. We love to hear me spoiled. Back
when I was in college, I was in this super
toxic relationship. She used to yell at me, constantly, throw
stuff at me, hit me, and her favorite thing of
all was to make me jealous by constantly flirting with
other guys. Oh I do the same girl, Oh yeah,
she sucks. She had an identical twin sister that was

(35:20):
always super sweet to me, and me and her got
along really well. Long story short, I started having an
affair with her twin sister, and I loved every second
of it. Even though she looked identical to my ex
then girlfriend, their personality was the complete opposite. Things were
going really well until my ex eventually found out that
me and her twin sister were having an affair, and

(35:42):
she freaked the fuck out. After a long, heated argument,
I finally said, the biggest difference between you and your
twin sister is that she swallows and you don't. Oh no,
I walked out and never looked back. I would have
loved keeping in contact with the twin sister, but it
would have been too complicated. I don't know if this
will make this show, but thank you for the last.

(36:03):
Oh shit, that's wild. If your wife had a twin sister,
what do you think that would be like? I don't know.
That's twins are weird. I find twins really weird. I
have I have twin nieces, and they're fucking weird. Not
like them in particular, but just two of the same thing.

(36:24):
It's it's really fucking weird. Sometimes titties weird me out
because there's two of the same I don't like that
there's two of them, but I'll still put both of
them in my mouth. I think. Uh. One time, my
wife was like, you think my mom's pretty. I'm like, honestly,
I think your mom looks like a busted fucking radiator.
I don't know. And she's like, well that's what I'm

(36:47):
gonna look like when I'm older, and I'm just like,
I'm sure, shit, hope not, buddy, let me get some papers.
But I think if my wife had a twin that, like,
you know, fucking hunted and watch football and ship, yeah,
that'd be cool. Like a dude, you want to hang
out your yeah, yeah, me and your sisters are gonna

(37:10):
go fucking have some have some fridge SIGs. Me and
your twin brother are going out together. What if that's
ever happened, Like a guy marries a girl and she
has a twin brother, and then the guy becomes intimate
with the gay oh twin with the twin and they're gay. Now,

(37:31):
yeah I would. I would assume that had to have
happened right somewhere. Yeah. I think it happened on Game
of Thrones for sure. I feel like the whole brother
sister thing is that the twin is like not as common, right,
it has to be. That has to be true. Yeah,
I know it's true. We said it on this podcast.
Yeah it has to be true. Then I have calmed

(37:53):
through memories, analyzing situations in my past, trying to think
of something good to use in hopes of making it
on here one day. Well, here you are. I knew
the most embarrassing, shameful instant had yet to come. I
would have never have wished to have content, to have
content to post on here, because I really fucked myself
on this one. Onto the story. I'm sitting at my

(38:15):
grandparents and they're asking me if my five year old
son rides the bike they gifted him for his birthday.
I took a video of him riding his bike, knowing
that they would ask me about it prior to him,
prior to seeing them. I'm sitting on the love seat
and I already have the video pulled up because ah,
fucking squeaky shoes man, because it was crocs. Oh yeah,

(38:38):
because it was the most recent I took. Next thing
that happens. I cannot explain. It was like God wanted
me to feel fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment, the whole nine
a span of minutes. Because the next video to glitch
and pop up was a video I took months ago
to send to my son's father current common law. What
my grandma saw next after my phone glitch was me

(38:58):
sitting in front of the camera, uh, pleasuring myself fully nude, asshole,
pussy and titties in full view of her. First off,
Hell yeah, sister, what a great angle? Fuck? Yeah? Man?
All three pisses me off. And we got to read
this shit without knowing like what really happens? Like was
the video real or was it fake? The Yeah, that's

(39:21):
a fucking do you have a cinematographer filming that on
an angle? This is for paid content, right? I hope
you made your your hubs pay for this one, because shit,
if my wife is like cash at me twenty bucks
right now, I'll send you a picture of my pussy
so aggressive pussy it's on its way. Check that cash app.

(39:47):
How do you explain something like this when you're on
the spot. I'm not a good liar. In fact, I
never lie because I never get away with it. My
saving gray's happened to be the fact that I don't
record my face because I don't want to focus on
trying to make hot faces while I'm getting off, so
I just leave my face out. Oh. I also forgot
to fucking mention. My grandpa was thankfully sitting across from us,

(40:08):
but my grandma was in such shock already. She blurted
out asking why I had porn of a woman on
my phone, and my Grandpa is laughing, thinking I'm gay. Oh,
gay bitch. I always knew that bitch look pussy. I
could smell it on her brother. I still thank god

(40:34):
to this day my Grandpa was not in view of
my gallery because I would never recover. Next thing I
did I'm not proud of, because to redeem myself I
had to sacrifice another, my baby, my baby daddy. Now
he knows I was put in the situation, but I
will never tell him how I covered my ass. I
told my grandma I went through my baby daddy's phone

(40:55):
and found the video and sent it to myself as
proof as it is, as if I caught him in
the air act. Ohjez made the Good Lord forgive my
white lies, because I will never face that truth for
as long as I live. I won't ever wish to
have content for this segment. Again. That's wild, that's so

(41:15):
fucking wild. Oh shit, I knew you were gay ever
since you buzzed the side of your head. I knew
you're a lesbian ever since you got that fucking super room. Man.
That's the dead giveaway right there. When we were car shopping,

(41:36):
subar U Forster was one of the ones we kept
on leaning on, and I kept on sending pictures of
my daughter, pictures my daughter. I'm like, hey, what do
you think of the super roote. She's like I'm not. All.

Speaker 5 (41:48):
Well, fuck, I'll drive it. Fuck, I'll be a lesbian.
He use this thing to pick up lesbians. Give me
the keys. God, oh shit, long one.

Speaker 2 (42:00):
Let me see here. This is a really long one,
about a page and a half. Yeah. I joined the
military thinking it would give me some type of structure,
and it led me down a darker path. I was
doing drugs that's pretty cool, and actively trying to kill myself.
A fuck, that's not cool. I said that a little
too soon. I'm sorry that one I'm missing. Uh yeah,

(42:23):
you get we got a little wee little peace for
missing here. I'm missing some Let me go back and
find it. Okay.

Speaker 4 (42:31):
Oh sorry, guys, you'll hear all this again.

Speaker 2 (42:44):
Yeah it is. Sorry, we're just trying to put it
back in here. Oh my god, the fuck you're taking
too long, daddy, and it's gone, Okay, good, that's your story.
We're not reading it now, and it's going we're back okay,

(43:08):
oh shit, and we're back. Here we go, all right,
So what's up, dudes? A longtime listener, and it's not
the first time I've written, y'all. I'm a sex addict recovering,
and what I mean by that is that I would
literally fuck anything that moves. Oh, this is the one
you're talking about. Oh yeah, yeah yeah. Men, women trans
didn't care and it was all because of an ex wife.

(43:30):
I thought everything was fine in our in our relationship,
and then one day she hit me with the divorce.
It was unexpected and I was completely blown away and heartbroken.
I try to do everything and be extra even before that.
It turned out that she was fucking some guy on
the side ended up pregnant, and that's why she wanted
a divorce. Heikes. I didn't find out until years later,

(43:53):
and for years, especially when I was single for a while,
I went down some pretty dark paths. Here's where we
left off. I joined the military. I'm glad we got that.
I'm glad you realize that. Good context there. Yeah, that's
a huge context for the story. I joined the military
thinking it would give me some type of structure, and
it led me down a darker path. I was doing
some drugs and actively trying to kill myself. One point

(44:15):
in time, I was drinking so much that when i'd
get off work, I'd down half a bottle of jack,
and at one point I actually dropped about twenty hits
of acid. That's fun. God, I think I might have
seen Joe Rogan in Jesus at the same time. Jesus
wasn't happy I was there or that Rogan was too,
But needless to say, I was higher for almost three days.

(44:36):
That's fucking nuts. And at the end of the day
it ruined my career. I know that it was my
choice and it's my fault, but from here I'm sorry.
But from there I tried to grow. I tried really
hard to fix myself, started talking to a therapist, ended
up with a new girlfriend, and everything was going good
for a while. As time went on, I found out

(44:58):
that there was more to this girl. She didn't really
want to work and expected me to buy a home
for yeah, buy a home four in her home state,
in her homestate. There we go I'm sorry. I needed
an out and I got it. She ended up leaving
me right after. I went to go see Slaughter to prevail.
After that instance, I went kind of crazy again. I

(45:19):
was snorting viagra, taking something called what the fuck is this?
She Shelia jit? She Shelia jit show. I don't know,
working out religiously and ruin in vaginas. Man, that's fucking sweet.
Pulling out was a foreign concept to me. At one point,

(45:41):
I was shooting so much. I'd have three or four
girls a day walk through my door. God damn, I
guy almost one after the other. One would come and
get dicked down about two times leave, I'd shower, bam,
the next one was there. I had was fucking nuts.
I had one of my neighbors come up and asked
me what the fuck I was doing, how good my

(46:03):
dick game was. I told him I'm a pretty average man.
I just like to eat or house all my face. Man,
me too, hey brother. Then I started to experiment with
trans and men and found out it's pretty much the same.
Your hands are a little bit nicer to look at,
easier on the eyes, but you know, when you're fucking

(46:24):
a dude, when you hear the first grown of damn, Bro,
you're in deep. You're fucking my guts up. You kind
of lose the boner. And if I was ever fucking
somebody and they called me bro, I would be so upset.
If if happens, stand any of you ever listening, this

(46:44):
goes for you two robbery. If the opportunity ever presidents
itself for uscipe intimate. This is guy's only ever be
an intimate. Just don't call me bro or I was
gonna ruin. It's gonna ruin the moment. Oh yeah, Bro,
Yeah brother, I've been wanting to suck your dick. Brother,
I've been wanting to jack you off. Real good brother.

(47:07):
It's one of those If I pretend he's watch Man
le Anderson, I can push through this. That's almost impossible
when you have an eight inch soft dick and fat
ass balls slapping against your stomach. Towards the end of this,
I started really looking at myself and what I was doing. Dude,

(47:31):
self destructive man. Yea. If someone who doesn't even want
to want a dick has it has eight inch meet
and that's fucking man. Good for them, that's wild. You
imagine like your first time with it, he like takes
his pants off and it is a fucking eight inch
flaccid dick. That's so scary. I'm like, I'm sorry, I

(47:53):
have to go to my car and kill myself. Either way,
I'm going to die tonight. Fuck me, man, that's all.
That's all. So I love that. It's good for you.
Let me see here. Towards the end of this, I
started really looking at myself and what I was doing,
and it wasn't a good road. I was alienating my family,
my friends. I looked at every woman as a conquest,

(48:14):
not a real person. I hated myself and that's when
I started to go to the gym super hard and
just get after it. Now I could probably bench press
both of y'all fucking prove it and squat both of
y'all prove it. So squat on. Yeah, if you're fucking
if you're doing planks with eight inch dicks on your back,
then you could definitely squat us. Brother. I'm doing a

(48:38):
lot better now. I got off the dating apps, yes,
Grinder almost to you, alplas, and just move myself in
a different direction. Now I'm dating someone who's amazing. She's
everything I could want in a woman. She's pushed me
now to buy a home, and I really want to
have kids with this woman. That's awesome. I've made it
to thirty six with no kids, and God help me

(48:59):
if it wasn't for the lack of trying. But the
end of the day, I still fight my demons. I
stay busy by going to the gym and occupying my
time with my woman. I'm still working through some stuff,
but it's not even close to what I was. I
don't drink, don't do drugs, I don't step out. I'm
always trying to find ways to love her and show
her how much I care for her and how much
I value her, and now how much I value myself.

(49:23):
You guys are always hilarious. I do have a bunch
more confessions, but this one is one of the bigger ones.
Yeah it is love you bros. Yeah, speaking of big ones, Hey, man, inclusivity,
I love that. Good for you, Good for you. Oh fuck, brother,
you're in my fucking guts, dude. Oh man, Oh my god,

(49:51):
listen here, dude, me and you, Madison Square Gardens. I'm
gonna jerk you off in the bathroom. Oh shit, my
husband just spent forty minutes on the phone with his
friend trying to figure out how different fish fuck, but
he still won't understand that women need to be warmed
up before sex. What the fuck does that even mean? Different?

(50:17):
Fish fuck differently? Does a trout fuck different than a salmon?
I've never seen a fish have sex before. I don't
think I have either. I saw a video of a
guy putting a fish inside of a woman's vagina on
redd at one time. He talked about that before. I can't.
She was an older lady and she had a pretty
nice vagina. Kind of aroused me. She had a nice vagina. Man, fish,

(50:38):
lucky fish, That's where that smell comes from. Ah, I
can say I've never been with anyone and been like,
I'd love to shove a fish up or pussy. Or
he thought that it smelled like you know, people say, oh,
she smells like fish. Yeah, I've never been around a
person that smells like fish. No, yeah, Actually, you know what.

(51:02):
There was a lady sitting down in front of me
last night and one of the things, we had a
choir concert last night. Okay, really good, they've got kids.
This is so, this is like sixth seventh and eighth
grade choir kids are kids are running the microphones and
the sound and they got the microphones peaked, buddy, hell

(51:26):
so peaked that you can hear just the microphones, like,
and you can hear the kids on stage. They're whispering
to each other stuff. We hear everything they're whisper and
they start singing. It's like, God, it's loud, but you
get used to it. And then but like between songs,

(51:48):
you hear I started looking. I start scanning stage. I
didn't like that at all, be there for that. I
start scanning and there's this little skinny white kid and
he's like, you can see him. He's trying not to
like that. He's trying not to fucking he's trying not
to Ralph okay and uh. He grabs the back of

(52:13):
his elbow and then he puts his arm the crease
of his elbow up to his mouth and he's just
and puke shoots out the top of the arm, the
bottom and it just goes everywhere, and you hear some
kid got the fuck like all the way up, dude,

(52:34):
Oh my god, and just everyone stream there's puke everywhere.
Oh no, but this isn't even my favorite part. They
start clearing like they evacuate. We're waiting for Suve to
come out. And the janitor has got this big backpack on.
They've done put kitty litter down, fucking ozone destroyer, all
kinds of stuff. And he comes in with this giant

(52:54):
dice and backpack and he's walking up big mullet, fucking
lay a truck or cap and he's just like walking.
He's got purpose. He's showing out in front of the
entire community right now. And I was like, babe, look
at him. He looks like a fucking Ghostbuster because he
got that he gotta because he got that pack on

(53:14):
his back. Yea. And my wife's like yeah yeah. And
he gets up on the stage and the microphones are
still cranked and he turns on the vacuum and then
you hear him under his breath going no no, no, no
no no no no no no no no, no no, no,
shut the fuck up. I sear to god, dude, he
was the Ghostbusters.

Speaker 1 (53:34):
Dude, baby baby.

Speaker 2 (53:41):
She's like, what is that, Harry Potter, And that's what
she said. You know it's Ghostbusters. You called it, man,
That's awesome. I almost be like doctor vinkman, but he
was sucking the ball like kitty litter. Let me see
good for him, man, I'll take this. Yeah, take this one.
This one's good. When I was thirteen, almost fourteen, I

(54:01):
had a buddy that was also thirteen, and we started
watching porn on my computer and jerking off. Hell yeah,
the coming of age story. Literally one day, after about
two weeks of this, he complained that he never busted
a nut, whereas I shot everything. And he asked me
if he jerked me off, if I jerk him off? Shit,

(54:24):
Being at that age where hard ons were constant, I
said fuck it and jerked his little pecker and he
shot a nut that almost hit my posters on the wall.
Fucking come to my limp biscuit poster bitch, Why I picture?

(54:49):
This happened to us in Brent's room. It was crazy.
You hear somebody else's story, You put yourself in that moment.
Yeah yeah. Afterwards, he obliged to jerking my girk and
no post nut clarity, and we did that for a
few weeks till one day he said, you want to
suck my dick? God, you guys are gay, dude. I

(55:14):
hesitated for a second, until he popped it in his
mouth and started bobbing his head up and down, and
matters came to a head after about four minutes and
I shut up huge fucking load that he choked on. Afterwards, God,
this is so awful you have you have these age children.
That's the worst part, I know, the sucking each other

(55:36):
to dicks. Man, I want to go like you guys
suck at each other's dicks. You suck your friend's dick.
Gonna expect all his posters. Oh god, damn it, man,
Oh shit, just come on this Harry Styles poster. What

(55:58):
have you guys been doing in here? That's fucking crazy.

Speaker 6 (56:05):
Man.

Speaker 2 (56:06):
Afterwards, I did it for him and his little dick
shot off in about two minutes. That started a chain
that caused me to do all the gay things, even
though I'm not gay, No shame in it. Now I'm
happily divorced from my ex wife with two kids, and
I still catch myself jerking off to that first blow job. Goddamn.
May tell some more of those tales in the battle

(56:26):
feel love or here love you guys. You all made
me cry laughing so many times in my darkest times. Dude,
that's crazy. I hope he made you laugh while you're
sucking that tenth dick. God, dude, that's a sentence I
would have never thought while. I would be so fucking

(56:46):
mad if my buddy convinced me that he couldn't come
and I jerked him off and he fucking comed on
the ceiling, I would feel throwing rope shooting rock brother,
like fucking he like nass over there, he just shot
a rocket to the moon. Fucking head's hurting. I would

(57:08):
be so freaking mad. Fucking Peter Parker just swinging around
the room. I'm just like, hell, yeah, dude, I hope
you come once, anything for my friend. He comes, he
knocks the drywall loose or something. Oh shit, you gotta
repaint the ceiling. God man, he saw he got you.

(57:28):
Good man. That's crazy. It's not crazy. He's gay. That is,
it's super gay. And he's like, I'm proudly you have
an ex wife and I still jerk off to thinking
about it. Yeah, buddy, he's just laying there getting a face,
grown as fuck, just getting to blow a job. And
he's like, I remember when Timmy did this, he was

(57:48):
way better. Remember that time you were watching Supermarket sweep
and I convinced you that I couldn't come. Oh, dude's crazy.
I've done a lot deviant shit in my life. Yeah,
some of these confessions really take the cake. You know.
It definitely makes you feel really good about yourself. Not

(58:09):
there's anything wrong with this, I guess said. I think
it's fun. It's very coming of age. I love that
everyone has a story. Everyone has a different place, a
different perspective, where they come from and just how they
got to Just it tells me that we're all the
same creature. We just desire intimacy, we desire sex, and
we desire to be loved nurtured. True crazy man, I'd

(58:33):
never let a little kid suck my dick, though, miss
me with that. Thank god, FB, please write that down
as official No, thank you. Not today, Hey, bros, I
have a what the fuck confession and the deepest fuck confession.
This first one will be the what the fuck one.

(58:56):
When I was about twelve or thirteen, I started to
masturbate and did it nearly every night. Hell yeah, me
fucking too. I was literally googling different ways to get
off and what felt the best. It's et cetera. Man,
we didn't have we didn't have Google to teach us
how to jerk off and explore. Yeah, we like reading
books and ship. Well, I didn't have like, I didn't

(59:18):
have a device that I could look up porn on.
And then I got a PSP and I was able
to get look up uh, naked pictures on there of
like porn pictures, new videos, just pictures. But we didn't
have Wi Fi, and I lived in the top story
of the house, so I would have to open the
window and hang my torso out the window and get
my neighbor's Wi Fi with my body inside the house,

(59:41):
fucking cranking my meat. Free ones dot Com was the
website that, yeah, pictures weite. I remember you have just gallery?
Do you click on a picture that opened up a gallery?
PSP would take it down? Buddy, dude, that's wild. Yeah,
that's crazy. I'm like a fucking scientists hanging out of
the window like an astronaut Ringling you know, Ringling Brothers

(01:00:04):
and ship Barnaman Bailey. Fucking mission impossible. I'm blowing fire
through a ring and I'm jerking off. Oh that's so good,
that's so good. Well, after a lot of experimentation, I
decided that that night, I was gonna go all out.
I laid on my side, shoved the end of my
hair br Oh, it's a woman. I shoved the end
of a hair brush up my puss. First off, I'll

(01:00:28):
shoved the hair brush up. It's better those fat sharpies
up my ass. I think I sent this one in Dad.
I was focusing so much on the task at hand,
I didn't hear my mom's footsteps outside of my door.
I'm wrapping Christmas presents in here. She always checked on

(01:00:52):
me and my brother to make sure we were all
right while sleeping. You were all right, You're doing good.
That night she almost caught me, and I swear to god,
I nearly shut out the sharpie when she opened my
bedroom door. I should have almost shit myself. Uh who shit.

(01:01:14):
I had my comforter pulled up to my chin, so
I don't know she really knew what was what was
while I was doing but our eyes locked and we
just stared at each other. PRICE got a solid minute.
She said, well, I wanted to check on you good night.
I love you. You could fucking see the sharpie just
sticking out sharpie hat out of your butt. Quickly shut

(01:01:34):
the door. We've never spoken about it and I never will. Hello. Well,
I have only ever told my wife about this, and
we still laugh about it to this day about how
awkward that was. I don't know how I came up
with this method. I feel fucked up that I actually
did that. Ship. Hello, So do I love to smell Sharpie's?

(01:01:54):
This one would really throw me through a loop. You
know that fucking pungent alcohol smell, and it's just poop.
This end smells like Marker ship. This end smells like
a lesbian asshole. No, they made brown ones. This one
smells like burnt leather. Have both ends smells like truck tires.

(01:02:17):
Oh fuck, I can read this next one to talk manum.
The last Confession episode made me so horny. I used
my vibrator twice. Yea cool. We are doing good things
for people. That's pretty cool. What was the last one?
Was that? The was that one of the every story

(01:02:38):
was about poop? I'm pretty sure it probably was. I
don't know. Good for you, Yeah, good for you. This
is a good episode. Yeah, Hey, Nick and Robin. I'm
currently listening to Confessions Part four and I decided it's
finally kind time to share my story. I've been wanting
to send you guys for a few years now. I've
been listening to you guys since my teenage. I'm twenty

(01:03:00):
five now, old hoard. I used to fuck myself with sharpies,
and then I started listening to your podcast, and I
started eating crayons. And I always thought about setting in
the story that makes my boys laugh and their girlfriend's gag.
So here goes back a few summers ago, I think

(01:03:22):
twenty twenty two, Me and my friends had all landed
a job together renovating weed stores for a chain that
one of my buddies families owned. Oh yeah, the job
was pretty straightforward, going to an old store front the
chain had bought, tear it all down and build up
a weed store. My buddy's dad was the foreman and
kept all of us boys in line. And I don't
know if you've ever had a summer job with seven

(01:03:44):
or eight of your closest friends, but my buddy's dad
had his work cutout for him wrangling all of us.
One of the stores we were fortunate enough to be
renovating was in a small beach town where my buddy's
family had a shitty little beach house. We were all
staying in while the renovations were occurring. Although the house
was crappy and small, for eight twenty two year old guys,

(01:04:05):
we had one of the best summers of our lives.
Our days would consist of the following degenerate cycle. Getting up,
walking over to the store, putting in a full day's work,
grabbing a couple of cases of beer from the convenience
store next door, and hitting the beach for the rest
of the day. Rints and repeat, what a cool dude,
that's awesommer. Yeah, now that you've got an idea of

(01:04:26):
the vibe. The story actually starts on one of the
first days of the job. We walked into the storefront
we were about to demolish, and we were discussing what
we wanted to keep and what we wanted to get
rid of. We decided everything was getting destroyed except for
one of the bathrooms, which we would just spruce up
a little bit and keep it for the new place.
Keep in mind, there was three bathrooms in this place

(01:04:48):
and we were only keeping one. One morning, while working,
after a few days of binge drinking on the beach
and eating like an absolute swine, I felt that feeling
in my stomach I needed to release a mud monkey
that also sounds like a slur that I could guarantee
was going to be the consistency of chocolate milk that's

(01:05:09):
been sitting off for a few days. So I put
down whatever I was working on. I told the boys
I was going into the shitter for a battle. As
I was dropping my payload, I heard my buddy's dad,
the foreman asked me if I was taking a shit.
I yelled back, can't smell it. He then informed me
I was using one of the two toilets that were
planning to take out and it was already disconnected. Oh

(01:05:34):
that sucks. A mild panic searched through me, and I
informed him and I had already splashed down and asked
him what I should do about it. He took a
second respond and said, just leave it for now. We'll
deal with it later. Dude, I would be fucking killing myself. Dude,
I would be so I would not want anybody else

(01:05:55):
to see my fucking, my chocolate milk shit that I
just took. Rich chuckle the ovaltine. Why does it look
like someone stabbed a spray paint can inside of here? Well, guys,
I think he's got cancer. So I finished up, closed
the lid, and carried on with my day. About two
or three weeks later, the renovations were coming along and

(01:06:17):
it was time to remove the two bathrooms we weren't
going to keep. My buddy's dad informed us he didn't
trust us to do the plumbing, probably a good call,
and he had called in a plumber to disconnect and
remove the two toilets on the weekend and we weren't working.
This is great news to us, as none of us
wanted to deal with the old, greasy toilets. When we
got to the store on Monday morning, we walked in
and saw the two toilets the plumbers had disconnected, sitting

(01:06:39):
in the middle of the store of the floor. This
was great as now all we had to do is
take the two toilets outside of the trailer and take
them to the dump. Two of my friends grabbed the
first toilet and quickly took it outside. Me and another
buddy grabbed the second toilet and followed. As we picked
up the second toilet, it was unusually heavy and we
could hear water still swishing around in the tank. So

(01:07:02):
when we got out to the parking lot, we put
the toilet down and opened the tank lid to see
that it was completely full. We decided to empty the
tank before we continue the trailer. My buddy suggested tipping
the toilet over to empty the tank, and my smart
ass said, how fucking stupid are you? We could just
flush it and it'll empty up the bottom. I then

(01:07:23):
proceeded to push down the lever and look satisfyingly over
at my friend that I had solved our problem so easily.
That's when I saw the horror on his face and
the smell ripped through my nose. My beer and beech
food shit was ejected oh no, out of the bottom
of the toilet after marinating in itself for three weeks,

(01:07:45):
and it was currently running down the slope parking lot
towards the public road in a decently busy area of
town with people's houses of stones throwaway. The smell was
vile and the panic was real. We decided to cover
it up by throwing pails of water on it to
wash down the road and push you down a sewer.
That sounded like a great plan until we realized this
was a beach town and there were no sewers to

(01:08:08):
wash into. We now had a three inch deep by
eight feet long puddle of watery three week old shit
sitting where the parking lot throwed. Dude, that's crazy. As
we were trying to figure out what to do to
clean it up, a family of four headed to the
beach on their bikes were approaching the puddle at an
alarming rate of speed. Not one of my friends were

(01:08:28):
me did a thing to stop them, and seven dudes
watched a family of four ride their bikes directly through
my shit puddle and ride away, commenting on the smell
the puddle. Oh my god. They never didn't clean it up,
And the rest of the day consist of cars and
bikes tracking my shit all over the parking lot and
neighbors commenting on how bad the area smelled that day. Dude,
that's crazy. Me and my friends still talk about this

(01:08:51):
to this day and laugh. I hope you guys find
it funny and gag worthy as we do. Sorry for
a bit of a long one. Cheers. That's great, that's
fucking awesome. I know how to fix this. They ever
got the chance to flush this thing three weeks ago? Odd,
I'll flush it now. That's wild. You live and you
learn those are one of those life lessons you learned

(01:09:13):
that you'll never ever ever get to demonstrate that you
learned anything from it. That's yeah, It's extremely true until
you walk into someplace and somebody's like, hey, can you
move this toilet for me, and you're like, I'm not
full for this shit again, whatever you do, don't flush it. Yeah,
last one here hang already. During Yeah, during my first

(01:09:33):
deployment to Afghanistan, I shipped into an MR bag a
bunch of kids in the village, and Candahar and her
kept asking for things and I threw them my ship
filled MR bag. The kids just yelled and threw rocks
at us here alone the provinces. It probably didn't taste

(01:09:56):
much different. They didn't know any better. I think there
might be Ah. I did solicit confessions on the Facebook
page a little bit ago. Okay, well, I'm sure there's
a couple other. Uh. I'm gay. This is the first
time I've told someone. Feels good to get it out.
Oh yeah, that you said that about the dick too. Okay,

(01:10:19):
here's a good one. It says I'm deeply in love
with my podcast partner. We're just a couple of guys
who decide that we have an interest in casual conversations
about the strange and unusual unusual. We're about eight years
in and about seven years ago. I wish I could
be about six inches deep into him, but I only
have four inches to spare. The way he looks at
me in the eyes when we're recording episodes makes me
want to come in my tidy whities. He doesn't realize it,

(01:10:42):
but my asshole puckers at the visual I get of
him licking his lips and touching them to his microphone.
I was looking maybe one day I'll start to be
able to part those sweet, particle filled pubic hairs around
his chocolate starfish. I feel like this is a direct
shot it up. Yeah, definitely, it's This is definitely a

(01:11:03):
targeted Okay, hello, my friend. So this happened when I
was in my early twenties and living it up. I
was a drinker back then, and this is one of
the reasons I don't go so hard anymore. So I
was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time, and
we were drinking, decided to make out, and I decided
to unzip his pants and give him a blow job.
Ah oh fuck, Yeah, you're so deep in my guts.

(01:11:26):
Fuck me up, bro, I just comed on your posters.
I was very drunk and kind of wobbling and bobbing,
and he being the asshole he was. I found out
very early on, but was like, oh, well, I don't
have anyone else. Shove my head down on his small,
weird shaped dick. What small as one thing, but a

(01:11:46):
weird shape. That's she goes on to say. I called
it the horn of gondor that fuck yeah for the
lord of the rings vans. Yeah, yeah, it hit my
gag reflects, and I vomited on the mound of his peen,
you know, by the base, the mound, the root, the root,
the mount. He must have had a foot up. Oh dude,

(01:12:11):
I vomited on that fat piece of fleshy knob above
his you know, well, being young, I was very embarrassed
and then decided a panic to eat said vomiting and stop.
You guys want to say, I gobbled it and commenced sucking.
Not my proudest moment, but he never fucking noticed. Wow,

(01:12:33):
I guess I'm pretty good and was drunk. I hope
you enjoyed. That's crazy, old puke dickesting U. My brother
showed me this podcast and he's never personality personally admitted
to me or anything, but he uses crystal meth. Jesus,

(01:12:53):
I'm like, nine thou sure of it because I found
his little stainless steel vial in the bathroom one day
and dumped it out in my in my bed or
into my head. Some people are just they gotta it
is tight, man. It looked like shards of broken glass,
and I was like, what the fuck? So I went
up to him and said, hey, you left this in
the bathroom. Never have talked about it this day, but

(01:13:15):
I'm concerned about him. Maybe give him a shout out.
I don't know. Hell yeah with the ship man. This
is from Becky. She says we had to help our
dog Vader cross the Rainbow Bridge on December first, and
I've gone one day and I have not gone one
day without crying. I miss her so much. My heart
feels like it's breaking and I will never recover. I'm sorry.

(01:13:39):
We're here for you, girl. Dogs have a real magical
way of just dude. It's like the more I the
more and more time I spend with my dog, the
more I learned about unconditional love. I tell you what, Becky.
One thing I did after my dog died, I got

(01:14:01):
another one and I felt good. Yeah, so I would
recommend getting another dog, and it'll help you redirect. You
have a lot of emotions right now, and you have
a lot of desire. One of the cool things that
worked for me. After my dog died, I felt a
lot of regret. I wish I would have done this
with my dog. I wish I would have done that
with my dog. Then I went and I got another dog,

(01:14:21):
and I started doing all those things, and I wish
I'd done with my other dog. It makes you feel
really good, and it makes the dog that you're investing
all that time in. It makes them very happy, and
it gives them, you know, a person that loves them
as much as they should be loved. Well said. Let's see.
I think that's pretty much it for now. We gave

(01:14:43):
the people an hour and fifteen. Very sweet. That one
just says, I pooped. It does sometimes I sit when
I pee. It's on it's comfortable, comfortable. I get that.
That's from Dixon Mayhouse. I get it. We have one
from Obama. I'm not reading that. I will say Donald
Trump has made it abundantly clear that he's speaking to

(01:15:04):
the nation at nine pm Eastern Standard time to night.
That's an hour away from now. I think we're going
to war. I want to say that right now. I
think I think I think we're officially declaring war on Venezuela. Okay,
see what happened. That's my official guess. Hmmm. I don't

(01:15:24):
want to say I'm an insider, but we'll see what happens.
The fuck is going on in Venezuela. They keep on
shipping drugs here, okay, or that's what they propose, that's
what they allege. If I feel like m hm, they
keep on killing all those people in boats in the waters.
They're like if you had hear and we're gonna blow

(01:15:46):
him up, and they blow him up in the middle
of the water. I feel like that's like us fighting
a toddler, right Venezuela. Yeah, yeah, dude, What the fuck
do they have? It's like thirty seven people that live there.
Nothing that we want or need. Yeah, exactly. I mean
the Trump on like this tangent about like we're fucking

(01:16:08):
taking it all back, like they took something from us.
There's nothing in Venezuela that I want. Oh shit, let
me see here. I mean, I'm kind of unopinionated on
all of it. Really, I honestly don't know what's going on.
This is just snippets here and there that I've seen.
Oh shit, I'm not abundantly twenty nine million people. That's

(01:16:31):
more than what I definitely more than I figured. And
I promise you a big booty Venezuelan woman. I'm good eating.
It's not the booty but well, probably the moody, but
the food. Booty booty, booty, booty rocking in a well.
Have you seen that video? I don't know. I don't think,

(01:16:53):
so let's see. We'll play it for you. Booty booty,
booty booty rocking in a well, booty rocking in a well.
Let's see what you can find here. I mean, you
heard the song, Yeah, yeah, Miss new Booty found you,

(01:17:16):
Miss Newboo. This appears to be a high functioning uh.
This appears to be her name's Barbie Tormentor.

Speaker 6 (01:17:24):
That's my friend whom stick. And I hope you love
this song because I love it too. But I want
to dedicate this song to all my friends. Friends that's
on us chicken friends, best friends, Boo boo rockin in

(01:17:48):
the well, boo boo, rating the well, b rocking the.

Speaker 2 (01:17:52):
Well, roved the well, rocking the well.

Speaker 6 (01:17:55):
I found miss Mobo.

Speaker 2 (01:17:59):
Wait, miss Magoo. Yeah that's what the lyrics say, he
found you, Miss Magoo. I don't think that's the word. Well, well,
lock and over where I found Miss MgO. Only she

(01:18:20):
knows the words. It's always these type of people that
do fucking sing songs. It looks like me, I know
this might be my daughter, my mom, or my sister,
Miss Magoo. Bound you miss Magoo, nothing beats. Yeah, you

(01:18:44):
think she's the best. Boom boom boom, Let me here,
let mean boom she is. There's a clean give us
what's clean? Boom boom. Now let me hear say, well,

(01:19:10):
I say boom boom boom by say where I say
boom boom boom. Let me hear say.

Speaker 6 (01:19:17):
I say boom boom boom, say what boom boom.

Speaker 2 (01:19:26):
She had to look about it. She was in like
high school drama. She collects. She looks like a drama
American girl dolls as an adult. She's the one like
you get on the fucking Disney Epcot Express and she's
in the back of the bus fucking fingering herself with
a sharpie. She got sharpie in her butt, rush of

(01:19:48):
beans in her put or whatever it was, fucking loreel
hair brush, de tangling hair brushing or put us, and
a can of pork and beans in her ass, and
someone drawing a sharpie mustache on her beans. We've lost control.

(01:20:10):
We gotta go because I think we're gonna get the
police called on this. I hope you guys have a
tremendous rest of the week. We really enjoyed making this
episode for you. Lend me your beans, show me to
your beans. Oh God, we'll be back. So love you guys.
Thank you so much for listening. I want to see

(01:20:41):
your dang