April 1, 2025 • 31 mins
Follow The Clean Comedy Podcast on Instagram: @thecleancomedypodcast
Don't forget to add JD on IG: @jdcreviston
Check out Seth at https://www.sethlawrencecomedy.com/
Turn your funny into money! Visit Comedypreneur
Want to be a comedy writer? Join the Funny Money substack! Or go to https://jdcrevistoncomedy.substack.com/
Grab your copy of “How To Produce Comedy Shows For Fun & Profit” here.
Have a topic you want us to discuss? Reach out here.
Be Our Guest: Are you a clean comedian interested in being on our podcast? Contact us!
Stay Connected: Subscribe, rate, and review the podcast on Apple Podcasts. Your support helps us grow!
Welcome to Episode 428 of The Clean Comedy Podcast! This week JD talks about the last shows in Boston, who he and Zane met on their flights home and he has a special supise if you listen to the end!
Come see Zane and I in the Pacific Northwest and Colorado! You can see all the tour dates at ZaneLamprey.com
This episode is sponsored by “Betsy’s Nighttime Stories”.
Welcome to BETSY'S NIGHTTIME STORIES As an author, teacher, and Independent Film Writer, I am excited to read to you some of the short stories I have and will continue to write. My stories will be approximately 10-20 minutes in length with some having more than one part. I want to write across all genres and would appreciate requests. I started this channel with my voice being monotone but as people listened to my stories, it was suggested I add some slight expression. In my most recent videos, I have done so. Let's see which my listeners like best.
Genres include:
Heartfelt Tales: Stories that touch on personal growth, human connections, and emotional journeys. Reflective Narratives: Thought-provoking stories that inspire introspection and calm.
Cozy Mysteries: Gentle tales of intrigue and discovery with a satisfying resolution.
Uplifting Stories: Narratives that encourage positivity, balance, and inner peace.
Soothing Journeys: Stories designed to relax the mind while sparking curiosity or inspiration. Emotionally Resonant Tales: Stories that evoke warmth, nostalgia, or inspiration.
Comments appreciated! Thank you, Betsy
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-clean-comedy-podcast-w-jd-creviston--4825680/support.
Don't forget to add JD on IG: @jdcreviston
Check out Seth at https://www.sethlawrencecomedy.com/
Turn your funny into money! Visit Comedypreneur
Want to be a comedy writer? Join the Funny Money substack! Or go to https://jdcrevistoncomedy.substack.com/
Grab your copy of “How To Produce Comedy Shows For Fun & Profit” here.
Have a topic you want us to discuss? Reach out here.
Be Our Guest: Are you a clean comedian interested in being on our podcast? Contact us!
Stay Connected: Subscribe, rate, and review the podcast on Apple Podcasts. Your support helps us grow!
Welcome to Episode 428 of The Clean Comedy Podcast! This week JD talks about the last shows in Boston, who he and Zane met on their flights home and he has a special supise if you listen to the end!
Come see Zane and I in the Pacific Northwest and Colorado! You can see all the tour dates at ZaneLamprey.com
This episode is sponsored by “Betsy’s Nighttime Stories”.
Welcome to BETSY'S NIGHTTIME STORIES As an author, teacher, and Independent Film Writer, I am excited to read to you some of the short stories I have and will continue to write. My stories will be approximately 10-20 minutes in length with some having more than one part. I want to write across all genres and would appreciate requests. I started this channel with my voice being monotone but as people listened to my stories, it was suggested I add some slight expression. In my most recent videos, I have done so. Let's see which my listeners like best.
Genres include:
Heartfelt Tales: Stories that touch on personal growth, human connections, and emotional journeys. Reflective Narratives: Thought-provoking stories that inspire introspection and calm.
Cozy Mysteries: Gentle tales of intrigue and discovery with a satisfying resolution.
Uplifting Stories: Narratives that encourage positivity, balance, and inner peace.
Soothing Journeys: Stories designed to relax the mind while sparking curiosity or inspiration. Emotionally Resonant Tales: Stories that evoke warmth, nostalgia, or inspiration.
Comments appreciated! Thank you, Betsy
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-clean-comedy-podcast-w-jd-creviston--4825680/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everybody, it's JD. Welcome to the Queen Comedy Podcast.
It is I'm back home. I am back home. It
is It'll be April first when you hear this. So
this is not a prank. I am back home. Sweet
home California is where I am right now. We landed
on Sunday. But I have some amazing, amazing stuff that
(00:21):
I want to tell you. So let's just get We'll
just jump in it. So you know that the last
run was Boston. We had sold out shows. The last
show was sold out. It was amazing, packed house, great people,
great venue. Shout out to True North Brewing. They were
they were freaking fantastic and helping us get that going.
(00:45):
Just a great, wonderful time. So not only that, we
were wore out by then. So by the time we
got back home from that show, we had done two
shows that night. By time we got back to the
back to hotel, I got unloaded everything and got in bed,
it was one am East Coast time. I had to
get back up at let's see, I had to get
(01:08):
back up at eight thirty and then we had to
leave our hotel by nine thirty to catch our flight
at noon. And so it was long, and we had
to fly from Boston to Phoenix and Phoenix to la
and it was that's fine. As soon as I got
on the plane, as soon as we doell this stuff,
it was fine. It was like, all right, we just
done winding, kind of getting back back to it, getting
(01:29):
ready to get home, which was amazing. But it was
a great journey. And not only that, So you guys
should go, if you haven't, go watch Zane's comedy special
Medium Club on YouTube just as soon as you can.
You could pause this podcast and go watch it if
you want whatever, I recommend you go watching it. Anyways.
(01:52):
In that special, he has a story about the actor
Billy Zane, who probably most of you know him from Titanic.
I know him from The Phantom because I was a
kid and that movie came out and I really liked
him and I thought he was awesome. He's been in
a bunch of other stuff, Zoolander. I guess he's playing
Marlon Brando in a new movie and it's supposedly amazing.
(02:12):
But so he has this whole joke about Billy Zane
and then we get on the plane to flybacks from
Phoenix to tibur Ranks So that's the plane we're on.
We're in the fourth row. It's nice seating or whatever,
and we sit down. I'm in the window. Zane's in
the aisle. There's only two seats. It's two seats on
one side, and once he on the other end, I
(02:32):
goes in two seats smaller and stuff, and he elbows
me and he with his mouth like lip says, Billy
Zane is on this plane. And I'm like what he's like,
Billy Zane is on this plane. And so again it
did not register. I'm like what he's like, leans over,
gets next to my face and goes, Billy Zane is
(02:53):
on this plane. And I go, no, he's not, and
he goes yeah, and he's right behind you. And I'm like, okay, right,
because like he's messing with me. He just wants to
mess with me. He's bored. Whatever is he's joking. And
so he says it and I look trying to peek
through the crack on the on the wall and he
(03:15):
like kind of elbows me like no, And I was like,
if he's really here, you should say something to him
about your joke. And he goes, no, I can't, and
I go, yeah, you can't because no, I can't. I go, Okay,
I'll say it. He goes no, So he stops me,
and he's like, all right, I'll say at the end
of the flight. And I'm like, no, I'm gonna say
something right now. And I start to turn around to
go say something to Billy Zaye, who's supposedly behind me,
and instead Zayn leans back and he goes, hey, Billy,
(03:40):
my name is Zane, and he like tells him a
story and tells him about you know, Redoes the not
the whole joke, but tells him basically just the joke
or whatever and stuff. And Billy Sand's like, what really, Oh,
that's funny, and he like he's very polite, he's very
nice about it or whatever. So then Zay makes a video.
I don't think that video is out yet, it might
be up, but he makes a video with Billy and
(04:01):
it's funny and whatever, and they talked her in the flight.
We talk. I tell him how much I love the Phantom,
because why wouldn't I, And we just have a good
flight and it's fantastic. We land in Burbank, we say
goodbye to Billy. He's very polite and thingful and whatever
and leaves. We get off the plane. We're waiting because
we're on a small plane. We have we had to
(04:22):
check some of our luggage, so we had a valet
and we're standing there and Zana and I are talking
or whatever, and then he elbows me again. He goes Taylor,
Taylor right there, and I go, Taylor, what are you
talking about? He goes, Taylor, that keep that comedian, and
I go, Taylor, that comedian, and I look. It's a
girl in a Dodger's ball cap, pulled down, black jacket, leggings, whatever,
(04:45):
dragging her stuff. And we make eye contact briefly and
I go, oh, Taylor Tomlinson, and he goes, yeah, shut
up right, and we laugh and then I go I
go say something. He's like, no, I'm not gonna say anything.
So I she we make kind of make eye. I
wave at her. She stops and looks at me, and
she takes out her earpod and I, Hey, Taylor, Uh,
(05:06):
just want to say hi, big fan, love after midnight,
love your stand up. Just want to say hi. She's like, oh,
thank you, and then Zane leans over in front of
me right like I'm standing you know, Taylor's in front
of me. I'm standing there. We're just looking at each other.
Zane leans in between us and goes, we're comedians too,
And I'm like, oh no, and she goes, oh really,
(05:26):
what are you guys doing? And I'm like we talk
for a minute or whatever, and then I go, Okay,
have a great day. Because I didn't want to bother her.
I just want to say hi and thank you, you know,
Like I think she's a great comedian. She was clean
when she first started, which I really appreciated and really
liked and it really inspired me a lot. So it's
just very interesting to get to say to hi to her.
(05:47):
So we do that, and uh, we go get our stuff,
We go grab grab our luggage, go back home and
head home. But just an interesting journey, like you literally
went from fold and snow in Boston in the Boston area, Massachusetts,
to being home and seeing two celebrities on our flight home,
(06:11):
and then just being home, being back in southern California
where it's trizzly, it's a little rainy, it's a little chilly.
Kind of reminds me of mass Schusets right now. But
it's so good to be home and again I mean,
we're leaving again on Thursday to go to the Pacific Northwest.
So if you're in the Pacific Northwest and you want
to see great comedy, go Chuck got Zanelamprey dot com.
(06:31):
Go get tickets to one of those shows. You will
not regret it. I promise you it will be a
heck of a show. There's also if you're watching, if
you're watching my Instagram. If you're not watching my Instagram
and you're listening to this podcast, go follow my Instagram.
There's so many funny things. There was videos, and I'm
probably gonna put them up again. There's videos of us
(06:52):
doing stand but I don't know if those other videos
will now. There are two videos of Zaye trying to
hit me with a snowball while I'm on stage in Massachusetts,
and I won't spoil it for anyone, but they're very
funny and I'm just like, Wow, I can't believe that happened.
One was at the end of my set, and then
(07:12):
one was during his set. I was going to hit
him with a snowball on it during his set. I knew,
like when he does a certain part in his set,
so I knew where I could hit him and it'd
be okay. And he gets off stage takes a snowball
from me. I get back on stage and he throws
a snowball at me. So that should tell you something
about what it was. It was a great time. It
(07:32):
was a lot of fun. I learned so much on
this trip. The biggest thing that I learned is promotion
is so important, and not promotion by you as a comedian,
but promotion by the venue that you're working with and
the people that you're working with. If they're not promoting it,
if they're not excited about it, if they're not out
there putting their name and their brand behind it as well,
(07:54):
a show's not going to do well. I hear a
lot of comedians say, oh, you don't have this bar show,
but it never sells. Yeah, because you're the one promoting.
The bar's not promoting at all. They're not trying to
push it. They don't really care whether it six seeds
or fails. They don't have a stake in it, and
so guess what, they don't care, and so when that happens,
(08:14):
you are going to be prone to failure. There was
somebody who just posted on on Reddit on the stand
Up Comedy subreddit, and I want to say it was
President Tender is the name of the guy if I
remember right, and he did a he did a post
about which I think was really good post about marketing
comedy shows and stuff like that. Where is this thing?
(08:38):
I think it is? Yeah, President President Tender. I don't
know his real name, but he did a really good
kind of like short post about promoting. So it's called
marketing Comedy Shows of the question markets and the stand
up subreddit supposed to three days ago. It's only got
nine responses in five six sub votes, but it is
(09:00):
definitely one of those things that I think comedians should
read and they should give President Tender in a vote.
I don't Again, I don't know who he is, but
his advice is really good and it's similar to what's
in my book how to Produce Comedy Shows in Front
of Profit, which I will be rewriting with all the
stuff I learned while on the road. Is Zane Lamprey,
So you guys are gonna get a big insight in
(09:21):
a big push into what you should be doing to
make money because we sell out so many shows. I mean,
Zane is semi famous, you know, pretty famous. I'd say
B B level celebrity. He's well known by a lot
of people. He's had six TV shows, He's written a book,
(09:41):
He's on his second book that he just is about
to finish or finished, and he's pretty. He has three
comedy specials, two of them on Amazon. One is he's
self produced and released on YouTube, which I think is
better than the two that he did on Amazon. But
I mean that, could you be me being biased, I guess,
(10:01):
but I would recommend you guys go watch him. And
Ski Patrol is really good. Was the other one? There's
Medium Club, Ski Patrol, and I can't remember the other one.
But I mean, honestly, I have learned so much about
promotion that I am planning again. I think I've probably
said this, I'm planning my own comedy tour in twenty
twenty seven where I'm gonna be doing different venues. I'm
not going to be doing what we do. You know,
(10:23):
I'm not gonna be doing the venues that Zaine and
I do. Because one, I don't want to take away
from Zaye anything from him. I have been given so
much by him that it would be rude, first of all,
but also unprofessional to take anything from him. And the
second thing is is that he he's just so amazing
(10:46):
at what he does that he does a specific type
of comedy that is for those venues that I do
not do. So it's it's those two things combined make
it so I will not be using any of his
contacts or formation or any of that stuff like that,
even though with his blessing, I probably could use some
of them or I probably could do something, but I
would I wouldn't. I would not do that to him.
(11:10):
So that's what it is. I mean, California is awesome.
I don't know if I'm gonna put a set at
the end of this episode or not. I might, I
might clip I might clip it out and do it.
I don't know. I can't decide. You know what I'm not.
I'm not going to for this one because there's an ad,
a big ad in this uh for somebody in this episode.
(11:33):
So I'm not gonna do it. But what I am
gonna do is I'm gonna start. I Actually, if you
guys are listening and you know anybody who edits clips
for like Instagram reels or YouTube shorts or whatever, I'm
trying to get better at doing it, but I will
probably be willing to if somebody will help me do it.
Put together some clips to create an amazing bunch of shorts,
(12:00):
YouTube shorts and Instagram reels so I can grow my Instagram.
The goal is to by the end of this next run,
which would be April, by the end of April to
have about one thousand followers on Instagram. Then by the
end of summer be somewhere between two and five thousand,
and then by the end of the year be pretty
(12:22):
close as close as I possibly can to ten thousand followers.
So that's the goal. That is a very ambitious goal.
Some might say two ambitious. But if I don't try,
it doesn't matter, right, But don't try. I am where
I am. If I do try, I see what works,
(12:43):
I make it. I continue to do that process and
I make it work over and over again, and I
get to where I need to be so that next year,
you know, I'm oh, I'm close to get you know,
pushing one hundred thousand or so. I have a comedy special,
I'm doing drybar and touring the zaying right, So that's
the goal. If I can get to those big numbers,
I can boost and go do specials, do my own special,
(13:07):
do a dry bar special that's two, and then they're
both half hours, by the way, two half hour specials.
Then go and do a comedy tour. I'm ailm with
an hour of new material you know that I'll work
on during that second part. It was Zein And so
I think it's really possible to do that because I've
(13:27):
already done, already have about fifteen to twenty minutes of
material that I'm doing, and I'm working on fifteen to
twenty more minutes of stuff that I'm redoing and rewriting,
because these are jokes that I've done before, but have
rewritten and made them better and stronger and funnier. And
now I'm making sets that are longer and more drawn
(13:49):
out and story weave together. And I don't want to
say because I know some people are going to be
annoyed by this. If you've seen Bert Kreischner's new special Lucky,
I think it won it's one of the best specials
he's ever done. But two, it's just a great special overall.
He weaves all his stories together to the very end,
(14:10):
and at first I wasn't gonna watch it, but Zane
Zane and I listened to podcast listen to stand up
specials while we're driving back. For some of the shows,
we'll be listening to them and giving critiques or saying, well,
it's a great joke, is this? And then we talked
about like, you know what, we could we do something
like that or whatever? Are we like, Oh, this is
terrible for whatever the reason. Oh he could have made
(14:32):
this joke better. But he took the low hanging fruit
or whatever whatever it is. And we listened. Really, I
didn't get to watch it. I really listened to it
while we drove and he played it, but he watched
it on Netflix, and I have to say, just listening
to it right, keep in mind I didn't watch watch it.
It just it really drew me in. And and if
(14:53):
you haven't, if you have watched it, that last story
he does, Sane and I were both crying and laughing
in the car.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Hello, dear listeners, Welcome to Betsy's Nighttime Stories. I'm your guide, Betsy,
and here's a glimpse of what lies ahead. An intoxicating kiss.
As if they were rowing at this secret store, all
the potential to unlock all avengers couldn't shake the feeling
(15:24):
that they were being watched. Resist the allure of a
friendly game, so he put it, is the daughter of
a powerful being, a dark sorcerer. Oliver's heart raced as
panic seeped into his thoughts. Her father milans to use
you to infiltrate your world me, Oliver. His mother pressed
(15:45):
her gaze, piercing through him like a dagger of Clary's
test her. Bring her to your world and see how
she behaves. We were just getting ready for bed. The
reception worked his way to the door, finding a jar.
The final revelation.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
That keep in mihind, I'm driving in the middle of
the night for two hours and probably me crying and
laughing is not the best ways for me to handle
any anything. So it is really good. I enjoyed it immensely.
It was one of the best things I've ever seen
in my life or ever listen to. And I know
there's a lot of hate for bird Crashinger, I get it,
(16:27):
but I will tell you right now that that was
one of the best comedy specials. And you should all
clean or not, whether you're you're not in the clean
or you are in the clean. If you are, you
should go watch that special because it was he knocked
out the ballpark. And that's my goal is to weave
all my stories together to make something amazing. So appreciate it,
(16:52):
you know. I I am so grateful, you know. I
I really appreciate anyone who does stand up, and I
appreciate all of you for listening. So go go check
it out. Go check out zelanbry dot com if you're
in the Pacific Northwest or in the Colorado area. And
also we're gonna be I think we're gonna have maybe
(17:15):
maybe two guest spots. I know for sure one guest
spot in Colorado we're gonna have, so looking forward to
that and it's just gonna be a great, great time.
I'm so grateful for all of you for listening. And again,
I'm not putting I'm not putting a that sold out show.
I'm not putting the audio on here yet because there
(17:38):
is a bigger, a big ad that's that's in here,
and I don't want to overshadow that. But uh, I'm
so grateful for every single one of you that listens,
and thank you so much for listening, and we'll talk
to you soon. Bye, April fools. I put it in
this mycrofols for you guys all right, enjoy the enjoy
the the stand up and love to hear feedback. Bye
(18:02):
for real this time a real name, And the biggest
question I get asked is what does it stand for?
So in order for me to answer that, I'm gonna
give you a little story. When my mom was in
labor with me, my dad got so nervous that he
left the hospital and went to a bar across the street,
got drunk and missed my birth. But he did show
(18:28):
up about an hour later with a you who in
a slim gym and decided that he should get to
pick the name, And so he picked the name of
the drink that he was drinking when I was born,
which is Jack Daniels. You guys are awesome, And now
you all know how classy my parents are. And with
(18:50):
that kind of history of naming him my family, I
didn't think it was appropriate to name my kids. So
when I found out we were having daughters, I told
my wife, Hey, you're beautiful, you're smart, you watch HGTV.
You name them. And she started throwing out names that
rolled off the tongue and onto a stage. Yeah, some
(19:13):
of you're with me names like Cinnamon, Candy, Destiny. I
was like, whoa, back it up. And then I realized
it's my fault because her name is Crystal with a
(19:34):
K and she has a lower back tattoo. Yuttie, I
won that game. I was like, sh Now that I
do have daughters and my oldest daughter is getting ready
to go to college. She's picking colleges right now, and
(19:54):
she has decided that she wants to go to the
most expensive college in California, the University of Southern California.
It is three hundred thousand dollars for a four year degree,
and some people made it a little more expensive for
the rest of us, Laurie Laughlin. Laurie paid half a
(20:17):
million dollars to get her daughter a scholarship on the
rowing team to go to USC and then she went
to prison. Now I don't think that was the appropriate
response for Lourie. I think she should have to take
that spot on the rowing team and taken remedial math.
(20:37):
But my wife and I got into the argument and
kind of the talk about it, and she was like, well,
what school would you pay half a million dollars for?
I was like, whoa, I'm the wrong person to ask
about that. I went to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
Not a good school, but it is known for two majors,
hotel management and gentlemen's club studies. And I bet every
(21:02):
single one of you can guess what I got my
degree in because I'm good at this. Twenty dollars cover fee.
No touching the ladies, sit on your hands during the
lap dance. You're doing it right now? There go, Yeah,
there you go. He's ready, she's so. My wife and
(21:22):
I got should We started talking about it, and I
did come up with one school that I would pay
half a million dollars for, and that school is Hogwarts.
I am also currently in my first year of law school. Nope,
the world does not need another lawyer. And I want
to be honest with you guys, I don't even want
(21:44):
to be a lawyer. I just want to win one
argument with my wife. Met in here clap if you've
ever won an argument with your wife, that's the correct response.
All of you got real quiets. About two months ago,
(22:06):
I was at a store and I was being held
by a really attractive lady at the counter, like we
had like eye contact. It was really nice but she
was looking at my card and looking at me, looking
at my car, looking at me. I was like, Oh,
what's going on here. She's like, know me you we're
about to flirt. What's going on? And she goes you
seem like you have BD energy And I was like, okay,
b D energy, let's go. And she goes, broke dad energy.
(22:34):
That was not the compliment I was looking for. And
she goes, your card declined, and I got it. I'm
a girl dad. Girl dad is just code for I'm broke.
Here's a life hack for you. If you're ever like
getting mugged or something, just tell the mugger your girl dad.
They will give you money. It's a good one. We are.
(23:00):
The reason I'm broke is because my daughters are collectors.
They're collectors of these things called American girl dolls. Some
of you are aware. If you're not aware, they're eighteen
inch dolls and they are one hundred and fifty dollars each,
and we have thirty three of them. And that's not
even like outfits and animals and play sets and vehicles
(23:24):
and books. For some reason, they're freaking dolls. They can't read.
What are we doing? And if you've never been to
the American Girl Doll Store. It's three stories of dolls, dresses,
and depressed dads. You leave there the exact same way
you leave Tijuana. You're checking for your wallet and your kidney.
(23:48):
Eive there and you're like, oh my gosh, I think
they took something in there. Should not have sat on
a toilet for so long, because there's so much fun.
This is my favorite way, better than that early crowd.
I'm just kidding. The other thing we collect in my
house are animals right now. We currently we have five
(24:11):
dogs and three cats in my house. Yes, some people
might say that's too many. Those people are me, Yeah,
And we get a lot of boy animals. And so
after we have them for about two or three months,
they do something that upsets my wife and I have
to take them to go get neutered, and that's a
(24:31):
very uncomfortable car ride because they know what's about to happen.
And every time I ask my wife about it, saying,
you know, what would they do, she goes, don't worry
about it. So I have no clue what any of
them we've done to upset her. And about nine months ago,
we're driving on the freeway and I can see the
hospital in the distance, and I go, where are we going?
(24:58):
She goes, don't worry about it. Yeah, she took me
to get a vasectomy. Not only that, she got me
the oldest doctor they had at the hospital. Like this
guy was so old he created the vasectomy. And not
only that, he had like these thick coke bottle glasses
(25:19):
and a shaky hand. So here I am on the table,
splayed open. He's got his little shaky hand with a scalpel.
He looks at me, he goes, just relax, Uh, nope,
give me that. I'll do it myself. I bet I
could find a YouTube video, and I did so. That
(25:42):
night I went home, I got the dogs together, and
I was like, hey, what do you think I did wrong?
My dog's like, did you hump something you weren't supposed to?
He's like no, Like did you pee on something? I
was like, I don't think so, Like did you do
that thing where you scoot your butt across the floor.
I was like, nah, you know what? That was it?
That was what I did.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
I was it.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
I got me a droll. I'm also I also just
recently turned forty. You don't have to cheer for that
young man. Thank you don't feel young, sir, ze I
had two two major life events happened. Well. First, like
when you get forty, you start rethinking your life. You
start playing it back right. So I thought about when
(26:26):
I was in my twenties, I lived in Vegas. I
partied every night. It was great, and had to my thirties.
I had my daughters. They thought I was the greatest
man in the world. I get to my forties, my
daughters don't even want to be in the same zip
code as me. And now my idea of a party
is a second hot dog at Costco. Some of you
like to party like me. And then two big, big
(26:49):
major life events happened, like immediately, like back to back. First,
I got told I had to go get a colonoscopy.
So I called my buddy, who was a little bit
older than me. I said, hey, what do I do?
He goes, WHOA, You're supposed to wait till you're fifty.
And now I'm regretting buying that group on. I don't
know if they're gonna let me use it at fifty,
you know. Then the other thing was my wife bought
(27:12):
me a pickleball paddle.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
And I don't know if you know, but most people
to play pickleball are like sixty five and older. And
the lady that I play with the most is eighty
two years old. She's five to three. She's got silver
curly hair, big thick glasses, and she smokes Virginia Slims
while we play pickleball. So we'll be playing, she'll hit
(27:37):
the ball and she'll be like, hit a back hot
of Fat Fonsie. I'm like, come on, Gladys, be a
little nicer to me. But I love playing pickleball with
Gladys because after every game we go take hits off
for oxygen tank and then she brings me cake, and
(28:01):
Fat Fonsie loves cake. She's like, she gives it to me.
I'm like, hey, argan cake. Any any veterans in the house.
I got real quiet veteran thank you for your service.
Here you go give it up. Thank you anyone else
(28:23):
in the other veterans, don't be shy you thank you
for your service, sir. It's very important. That's that time
and service is a real thing. When I was in
the military, I got a concussion, but I didn't get
it like in a cool way, like you know, like
saving somebody or a gunfight. I got it wrestling with
three other guys in the barracks and whatever you're all
(28:46):
imagining in your head right now. I promise you it
was way gayer than that. I also have this condition
called sleep apnea. A lot of the wives, they're looking
at at husband's right now. She's elbowing them right now
the front row. Do you know how you find out
you have sleep apnea? You come home and the couch
(29:09):
is made into a bed with a sign that says
you sleep here now. I asked my wife about it.
She's like, listen, I can't sleep next to you anymore.
You sound like RuPaul putting on a drag show. I
was like, what does that mean? So she recorded it
and blayed it for me, and it sounded like this.
It was like yeah, yeah, yuas queen. I was like,
(29:38):
you know what, I should probably see somebody about that.
That doesn't seem normal. So I called my doctor and
he was like, yeah, you know what I can send
you would at home sleep apnea test. So he said
up to me, I got the box. I remember that
night I got the box. I'm in my bathroom looking
at it. I've got my little black Terry cross robe on,
just likeugh taking out pieces. First, I had to put
(29:59):
a mask that goes on my face, a box on
my chest, a little belt with a bunch of stuff
on it on my waist, and then a heart rate
monitor on my hand. I was like, all right, I'm
just gonna go to bed and get it over with.
And I go and get in bed and my wife
rubs my back. She goes, it's okay, it's just one night.
I go, I know, shows my back again. She goes,
(30:20):
I love you. Go I love you too, shows my
back again. She goes, you want to get frisky. That
is the weirdest way to find out that your wife
is in the Star Wars cosplay, because I looked like
dollar store Darth Vader. But I'm married, so I'm not
(30:41):
going to turn it down. We went at it, and
then about a week later, the doctor calls me and
he goes, hey, I just want you to know you
have very severe obstructive sleep apnea. I'm gonna send you
something for that. I go, okay, great, thank you much.
He goes, well, well, hold on one second, one more thing.
It seems like you have a heart attack for about
(31:08):
one hundred and twenty seconds and then you just pass out.
I was like, oh, Sex, that's a record. Can you
send that to me? And now it's all my refrigerator
with my kids report cards,
Hey everybody, it's JD. Welcome to the Queen Comedy Podcast.
It is I'm back home. I am back home. It
is It'll be April first when you hear this. So
this is not a prank. I am back home. Sweet
home California is where I am right now. We landed
on Sunday. But I have some amazing, amazing stuff that
(00:21):
I want to tell you. So let's just get We'll
just jump in it. So you know that the last
run was Boston. We had sold out shows. The last
show was sold out. It was amazing, packed house, great people,
great venue. Shout out to True North Brewing. They were
they were freaking fantastic and helping us get that going.
(00:45):
Just a great, wonderful time. So not only that, we
were wore out by then. So by the time we
got back home from that show, we had done two
shows that night. By time we got back to the
back to hotel, I got unloaded everything and got in bed,
it was one am East Coast time. I had to
get back up at let's see, I had to get
(01:08):
back up at eight thirty and then we had to
leave our hotel by nine thirty to catch our flight
at noon. And so it was long, and we had
to fly from Boston to Phoenix and Phoenix to la
and it was that's fine. As soon as I got
on the plane, as soon as we doell this stuff,
it was fine. It was like, all right, we just
done winding, kind of getting back back to it, getting
(01:29):
ready to get home, which was amazing. But it was
a great journey. And not only that, So you guys
should go, if you haven't, go watch Zane's comedy special
Medium Club on YouTube just as soon as you can.
You could pause this podcast and go watch it if
you want whatever, I recommend you go watching it. Anyways.
(01:52):
In that special, he has a story about the actor
Billy Zane, who probably most of you know him from Titanic.
I know him from The Phantom because I was a
kid and that movie came out and I really liked
him and I thought he was awesome. He's been in
a bunch of other stuff, Zoolander. I guess he's playing
Marlon Brando in a new movie and it's supposedly amazing.
(02:12):
But so he has this whole joke about Billy Zane
and then we get on the plane to flybacks from
Phoenix to tibur Ranks So that's the plane we're on.
We're in the fourth row. It's nice seating or whatever,
and we sit down. I'm in the window. Zane's in
the aisle. There's only two seats. It's two seats on
one side, and once he on the other end, I
(02:32):
goes in two seats smaller and stuff, and he elbows
me and he with his mouth like lip says, Billy
Zane is on this plane. And I'm like what he's like,
Billy Zane is on this plane. And so again it
did not register. I'm like what he's like, leans over,
gets next to my face and goes, Billy Zane is
(02:53):
on this plane. And I go, no, he's not, and
he goes yeah, and he's right behind you. And I'm like, okay, right,
because like he's messing with me. He just wants to
mess with me. He's bored. Whatever is he's joking. And
so he says it and I look trying to peek
through the crack on the on the wall and he
(03:15):
like kind of elbows me like no, And I was like,
if he's really here, you should say something to him
about your joke. And he goes, no, I can't, and
I go, yeah, you can't because no, I can't. I go, Okay,
I'll say it. He goes no, So he stops me,
and he's like, all right, I'll say at the end
of the flight. And I'm like, no, I'm gonna say
something right now. And I start to turn around to
go say something to Billy Zaye, who's supposedly behind me,
and instead Zayn leans back and he goes, hey, Billy,
(03:40):
my name is Zane, and he like tells him a
story and tells him about you know, Redoes the not
the whole joke, but tells him basically just the joke
or whatever and stuff. And Billy Sand's like, what really, Oh,
that's funny, and he like he's very polite, he's very
nice about it or whatever. So then Zay makes a video.
I don't think that video is out yet, it might
be up, but he makes a video with Billy and
(04:01):
it's funny and whatever, and they talked her in the flight.
We talk. I tell him how much I love the Phantom,
because why wouldn't I, And we just have a good
flight and it's fantastic. We land in Burbank, we say
goodbye to Billy. He's very polite and thingful and whatever
and leaves. We get off the plane. We're waiting because
we're on a small plane. We have we had to
(04:22):
check some of our luggage, so we had a valet
and we're standing there and Zana and I are talking
or whatever, and then he elbows me again. He goes Taylor,
Taylor right there, and I go, Taylor, what are you
talking about? He goes, Taylor, that keep that comedian, and
I go, Taylor, that comedian, and I look. It's a
girl in a Dodger's ball cap, pulled down, black jacket, leggings, whatever,
(04:45):
dragging her stuff. And we make eye contact briefly and
I go, oh, Taylor Tomlinson, and he goes, yeah, shut
up right, and we laugh and then I go I
go say something. He's like, no, I'm not gonna say anything.
So I she we make kind of make eye. I
wave at her. She stops and looks at me, and
she takes out her earpod and I, Hey, Taylor, Uh,
(05:06):
just want to say hi, big fan, love after midnight,
love your stand up. Just want to say hi. She's like, oh,
thank you, and then Zane leans over in front of
me right like I'm standing you know, Taylor's in front
of me. I'm standing there. We're just looking at each other.
Zane leans in between us and goes, we're comedians too,
And I'm like, oh no, and she goes, oh really,
(05:26):
what are you guys doing? And I'm like we talk
for a minute or whatever, and then I go, Okay,
have a great day. Because I didn't want to bother her.
I just want to say hi and thank you, you know,
Like I think she's a great comedian. She was clean
when she first started, which I really appreciated and really
liked and it really inspired me a lot. So it's
just very interesting to get to say to hi to her.
(05:47):
So we do that, and uh, we go get our stuff,
We go grab grab our luggage, go back home and
head home. But just an interesting journey, like you literally
went from fold and snow in Boston in the Boston area, Massachusetts,
to being home and seeing two celebrities on our flight home,
(06:11):
and then just being home, being back in southern California
where it's trizzly, it's a little rainy, it's a little chilly.
Kind of reminds me of mass Schusets right now. But
it's so good to be home and again I mean,
we're leaving again on Thursday to go to the Pacific Northwest.
So if you're in the Pacific Northwest and you want
to see great comedy, go Chuck got Zanelamprey dot com.
(06:31):
Go get tickets to one of those shows. You will
not regret it. I promise you it will be a
heck of a show. There's also if you're watching, if
you're watching my Instagram. If you're not watching my Instagram
and you're listening to this podcast, go follow my Instagram.
There's so many funny things. There was videos, and I'm
probably gonna put them up again. There's videos of us
(06:52):
doing stand but I don't know if those other videos
will now. There are two videos of Zaye trying to
hit me with a snowball while I'm on stage in Massachusetts,
and I won't spoil it for anyone, but they're very
funny and I'm just like, Wow, I can't believe that happened.
One was at the end of my set, and then
(07:12):
one was during his set. I was going to hit
him with a snowball on it during his set. I knew,
like when he does a certain part in his set,
so I knew where I could hit him and it'd
be okay. And he gets off stage takes a snowball
from me. I get back on stage and he throws
a snowball at me. So that should tell you something
about what it was. It was a great time. It
(07:32):
was a lot of fun. I learned so much on
this trip. The biggest thing that I learned is promotion
is so important, and not promotion by you as a comedian,
but promotion by the venue that you're working with and
the people that you're working with. If they're not promoting it,
if they're not excited about it, if they're not out
there putting their name and their brand behind it as well,
(07:54):
a show's not going to do well. I hear a
lot of comedians say, oh, you don't have this bar show,
but it never sells. Yeah, because you're the one promoting.
The bar's not promoting at all. They're not trying to
push it. They don't really care whether it six seeds
or fails. They don't have a stake in it, and
so guess what, they don't care, and so when that happens,
(08:14):
you are going to be prone to failure. There was
somebody who just posted on on Reddit on the stand
Up Comedy subreddit, and I want to say it was
President Tender is the name of the guy if I
remember right, and he did a he did a post
about which I think was really good post about marketing
comedy shows and stuff like that. Where is this thing?
(08:38):
I think it is? Yeah, President President Tender. I don't
know his real name, but he did a really good
kind of like short post about promoting. So it's called
marketing Comedy Shows of the question markets and the stand
up subreddit supposed to three days ago. It's only got
nine responses in five six sub votes, but it is
(09:00):
definitely one of those things that I think comedians should
read and they should give President Tender in a vote.
I don't Again, I don't know who he is, but
his advice is really good and it's similar to what's
in my book how to Produce Comedy Shows in Front
of Profit, which I will be rewriting with all the
stuff I learned while on the road. Is Zane Lamprey,
So you guys are gonna get a big insight in
(09:21):
a big push into what you should be doing to
make money because we sell out so many shows. I mean,
Zane is semi famous, you know, pretty famous. I'd say
B B level celebrity. He's well known by a lot
of people. He's had six TV shows, He's written a book,
(09:41):
He's on his second book that he just is about
to finish or finished, and he's pretty. He has three
comedy specials, two of them on Amazon. One is he's
self produced and released on YouTube, which I think is
better than the two that he did on Amazon. But
I mean that, could you be me being biased, I guess,
(10:01):
but I would recommend you guys go watch him. And
Ski Patrol is really good. Was the other one? There's
Medium Club, Ski Patrol, and I can't remember the other one.
But I mean, honestly, I have learned so much about
promotion that I am planning again. I think I've probably
said this, I'm planning my own comedy tour in twenty
twenty seven where I'm gonna be doing different venues. I'm
not going to be doing what we do. You know,
(10:23):
I'm not gonna be doing the venues that Zaine and
I do. Because one, I don't want to take away
from Zaye anything from him. I have been given so
much by him that it would be rude, first of all,
but also unprofessional to take anything from him. And the
second thing is is that he he's just so amazing
(10:46):
at what he does that he does a specific type
of comedy that is for those venues that I do
not do. So it's it's those two things combined make
it so I will not be using any of his
contacts or formation or any of that stuff like that,
even though with his blessing, I probably could use some
of them or I probably could do something, but I
would I wouldn't. I would not do that to him.
(11:10):
So that's what it is. I mean, California is awesome.
I don't know if I'm gonna put a set at
the end of this episode or not. I might, I
might clip I might clip it out and do it.
I don't know. I can't decide. You know what I'm not.
I'm not going to for this one because there's an ad,
a big ad in this uh for somebody in this episode.
(11:33):
So I'm not gonna do it. But what I am
gonna do is I'm gonna start. I Actually, if you
guys are listening and you know anybody who edits clips
for like Instagram reels or YouTube shorts or whatever, I'm
trying to get better at doing it, but I will
probably be willing to if somebody will help me do it.
Put together some clips to create an amazing bunch of shorts,
(12:00):
YouTube shorts and Instagram reels so I can grow my Instagram.
The goal is to by the end of this next run,
which would be April, by the end of April to
have about one thousand followers on Instagram. Then by the
end of summer be somewhere between two and five thousand,
and then by the end of the year be pretty
(12:22):
close as close as I possibly can to ten thousand followers.
So that's the goal. That is a very ambitious goal.
Some might say two ambitious. But if I don't try,
it doesn't matter, right, But don't try. I am where
I am. If I do try, I see what works,
(12:43):
I make it. I continue to do that process and
I make it work over and over again, and I
get to where I need to be so that next year,
you know, I'm oh, I'm close to get you know,
pushing one hundred thousand or so. I have a comedy special,
I'm doing drybar and touring the zaying right, So that's
the goal. If I can get to those big numbers,
I can boost and go do specials, do my own special,
(13:07):
do a dry bar special that's two, and then they're
both half hours, by the way, two half hour specials.
Then go and do a comedy tour. I'm ailm with
an hour of new material you know that I'll work
on during that second part. It was Zein And so
I think it's really possible to do that because I've
(13:27):
already done, already have about fifteen to twenty minutes of
material that I'm doing, and I'm working on fifteen to
twenty more minutes of stuff that I'm redoing and rewriting,
because these are jokes that I've done before, but have
rewritten and made them better and stronger and funnier. And
now I'm making sets that are longer and more drawn
(13:49):
out and story weave together. And I don't want to
say because I know some people are going to be
annoyed by this. If you've seen Bert Kreischner's new special Lucky,
I think it won it's one of the best specials
he's ever done. But two, it's just a great special overall.
He weaves all his stories together to the very end,
(14:10):
and at first I wasn't gonna watch it, but Zane
Zane and I listened to podcast listen to stand up
specials while we're driving back. For some of the shows,
we'll be listening to them and giving critiques or saying, well,
it's a great joke, is this? And then we talked
about like, you know what, we could we do something
like that or whatever? Are we like, Oh, this is
terrible for whatever the reason. Oh he could have made
(14:32):
this joke better. But he took the low hanging fruit
or whatever whatever it is. And we listened. Really, I
didn't get to watch it. I really listened to it
while we drove and he played it, but he watched
it on Netflix, and I have to say, just listening
to it right, keep in mind I didn't watch watch it.
It just it really drew me in. And and if
(14:53):
you haven't, if you have watched it, that last story
he does, Sane and I were both crying and laughing
in the car.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Hello, dear listeners, Welcome to Betsy's Nighttime Stories. I'm your guide, Betsy,
and here's a glimpse of what lies ahead. An intoxicating kiss.
As if they were rowing at this secret store, all
the potential to unlock all avengers couldn't shake the feeling
(15:24):
that they were being watched. Resist the allure of a
friendly game, so he put it, is the daughter of
a powerful being, a dark sorcerer. Oliver's heart raced as
panic seeped into his thoughts. Her father milans to use
you to infiltrate your world me, Oliver. His mother pressed
(15:45):
her gaze, piercing through him like a dagger of Clary's
test her. Bring her to your world and see how
she behaves. We were just getting ready for bed. The
reception worked his way to the door, finding a jar.
The final revelation.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
That keep in mihind, I'm driving in the middle of
the night for two hours and probably me crying and
laughing is not the best ways for me to handle
any anything. So it is really good. I enjoyed it immensely.
It was one of the best things I've ever seen
in my life or ever listen to. And I know
there's a lot of hate for bird Crashinger, I get it,
(16:27):
but I will tell you right now that that was
one of the best comedy specials. And you should all
clean or not, whether you're you're not in the clean
or you are in the clean. If you are, you
should go watch that special because it was he knocked
out the ballpark. And that's my goal is to weave
all my stories together to make something amazing. So appreciate it,
(16:52):
you know. I I am so grateful, you know. I
I really appreciate anyone who does stand up, and I
appreciate all of you for listening. So go go check
it out. Go check out zelanbry dot com if you're
in the Pacific Northwest or in the Colorado area. And
also we're gonna be I think we're gonna have maybe
(17:15):
maybe two guest spots. I know for sure one guest
spot in Colorado we're gonna have, so looking forward to
that and it's just gonna be a great, great time.
I'm so grateful for all of you for listening. And again,
I'm not putting I'm not putting a that sold out show.
I'm not putting the audio on here yet because there
(17:38):
is a bigger, a big ad that's that's in here,
and I don't want to overshadow that. But uh, I'm
so grateful for every single one of you that listens,
and thank you so much for listening, and we'll talk
to you soon. Bye, April fools. I put it in
this mycrofols for you guys all right, enjoy the enjoy
the the stand up and love to hear feedback. Bye
(18:02):
for real this time a real name, And the biggest
question I get asked is what does it stand for?
So in order for me to answer that, I'm gonna
give you a little story. When my mom was in
labor with me, my dad got so nervous that he
left the hospital and went to a bar across the street,
got drunk and missed my birth. But he did show
(18:28):
up about an hour later with a you who in
a slim gym and decided that he should get to
pick the name, And so he picked the name of
the drink that he was drinking when I was born,
which is Jack Daniels. You guys are awesome, And now
you all know how classy my parents are. And with
(18:50):
that kind of history of naming him my family, I
didn't think it was appropriate to name my kids. So
when I found out we were having daughters, I told
my wife, Hey, you're beautiful, you're smart, you watch HGTV.
You name them. And she started throwing out names that
rolled off the tongue and onto a stage. Yeah, some
(19:13):
of you're with me names like Cinnamon, Candy, Destiny. I
was like, whoa, back it up. And then I realized
it's my fault because her name is Crystal with a
(19:34):
K and she has a lower back tattoo. Yuttie, I
won that game. I was like, sh Now that I
do have daughters and my oldest daughter is getting ready
to go to college. She's picking colleges right now, and
(19:54):
she has decided that she wants to go to the
most expensive college in California, the University of Southern California.
It is three hundred thousand dollars for a four year degree,
and some people made it a little more expensive for
the rest of us, Laurie Laughlin. Laurie paid half a
(20:17):
million dollars to get her daughter a scholarship on the
rowing team to go to USC and then she went
to prison. Now I don't think that was the appropriate
response for Lourie. I think she should have to take
that spot on the rowing team and taken remedial math.
(20:37):
But my wife and I got into the argument and
kind of the talk about it, and she was like, well,
what school would you pay half a million dollars for?
I was like, whoa, I'm the wrong person to ask
about that. I went to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
Not a good school, but it is known for two majors,
hotel management and gentlemen's club studies. And I bet every
(21:02):
single one of you can guess what I got my
degree in because I'm good at this. Twenty dollars cover fee.
No touching the ladies, sit on your hands during the
lap dance. You're doing it right now? There go, Yeah,
there you go. He's ready, she's so. My wife and
(21:22):
I got should We started talking about it, and I
did come up with one school that I would pay
half a million dollars for, and that school is Hogwarts.
I am also currently in my first year of law school. Nope,
the world does not need another lawyer. And I want
to be honest with you guys, I don't even want
(21:44):
to be a lawyer. I just want to win one
argument with my wife. Met in here clap if you've
ever won an argument with your wife, that's the correct response.
All of you got real quiets. About two months ago,
(22:06):
I was at a store and I was being held
by a really attractive lady at the counter, like we
had like eye contact. It was really nice but she
was looking at my card and looking at me, looking
at my car, looking at me. I was like, Oh,
what's going on here. She's like, know me you we're
about to flirt. What's going on? And she goes you
seem like you have BD energy And I was like, okay,
b D energy, let's go. And she goes, broke dad energy.
(22:34):
That was not the compliment I was looking for. And
she goes, your card declined, and I got it. I'm
a girl dad. Girl dad is just code for I'm broke.
Here's a life hack for you. If you're ever like
getting mugged or something, just tell the mugger your girl dad.
They will give you money. It's a good one. We are.
(23:00):
The reason I'm broke is because my daughters are collectors.
They're collectors of these things called American girl dolls. Some
of you are aware. If you're not aware, they're eighteen
inch dolls and they are one hundred and fifty dollars each,
and we have thirty three of them. And that's not
even like outfits and animals and play sets and vehicles
(23:24):
and books. For some reason, they're freaking dolls. They can't read.
What are we doing? And if you've never been to
the American Girl Doll Store. It's three stories of dolls, dresses,
and depressed dads. You leave there the exact same way
you leave Tijuana. You're checking for your wallet and your kidney.
(23:48):
Eive there and you're like, oh my gosh, I think
they took something in there. Should not have sat on
a toilet for so long, because there's so much fun.
This is my favorite way, better than that early crowd.
I'm just kidding. The other thing we collect in my
house are animals right now. We currently we have five
(24:11):
dogs and three cats in my house. Yes, some people
might say that's too many. Those people are me, Yeah,
And we get a lot of boy animals. And so
after we have them for about two or three months,
they do something that upsets my wife and I have
to take them to go get neutered, and that's a
(24:31):
very uncomfortable car ride because they know what's about to happen.
And every time I ask my wife about it, saying,
you know, what would they do, she goes, don't worry
about it. So I have no clue what any of
them we've done to upset her. And about nine months ago,
we're driving on the freeway and I can see the
hospital in the distance, and I go, where are we going?
(24:58):
She goes, don't worry about it. Yeah, she took me
to get a vasectomy. Not only that, she got me
the oldest doctor they had at the hospital. Like this
guy was so old he created the vasectomy. And not
only that, he had like these thick coke bottle glasses
(25:19):
and a shaky hand. So here I am on the table,
splayed open. He's got his little shaky hand with a scalpel.
He looks at me, he goes, just relax, Uh, nope,
give me that. I'll do it myself. I bet I
could find a YouTube video, and I did so. That
(25:42):
night I went home, I got the dogs together, and
I was like, hey, what do you think I did wrong?
My dog's like, did you hump something you weren't supposed to?
He's like no, Like did you pee on something? I
was like, I don't think so, Like did you do
that thing where you scoot your butt across the floor.
I was like, nah, you know what? That was it?
That was what I did.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
I was it.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
I got me a droll. I'm also I also just
recently turned forty. You don't have to cheer for that
young man. Thank you don't feel young, sir, ze I
had two two major life events happened. Well. First, like
when you get forty, you start rethinking your life. You
start playing it back right. So I thought about when
(26:26):
I was in my twenties, I lived in Vegas. I
partied every night. It was great, and had to my thirties.
I had my daughters. They thought I was the greatest
man in the world. I get to my forties, my
daughters don't even want to be in the same zip
code as me. And now my idea of a party
is a second hot dog at Costco. Some of you
like to party like me. And then two big, big
(26:49):
major life events happened, like immediately, like back to back. First,
I got told I had to go get a colonoscopy.
So I called my buddy, who was a little bit
older than me. I said, hey, what do I do?
He goes, WHOA, You're supposed to wait till you're fifty.
And now I'm regretting buying that group on. I don't
know if they're gonna let me use it at fifty,
you know. Then the other thing was my wife bought
(27:12):
me a pickleball paddle.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
And I don't know if you know, but most people
to play pickleball are like sixty five and older. And
the lady that I play with the most is eighty
two years old. She's five to three. She's got silver
curly hair, big thick glasses, and she smokes Virginia Slims
while we play pickleball. So we'll be playing, she'll hit
(27:37):
the ball and she'll be like, hit a back hot
of Fat Fonsie. I'm like, come on, Gladys, be a
little nicer to me. But I love playing pickleball with
Gladys because after every game we go take hits off
for oxygen tank and then she brings me cake, and
(28:01):
Fat Fonsie loves cake. She's like, she gives it to me.
I'm like, hey, argan cake. Any any veterans in the house.
I got real quiet veteran thank you for your service.
Here you go give it up. Thank you anyone else
(28:23):
in the other veterans, don't be shy you thank you
for your service, sir. It's very important. That's that time
and service is a real thing. When I was in
the military, I got a concussion, but I didn't get
it like in a cool way, like you know, like
saving somebody or a gunfight. I got it wrestling with
three other guys in the barracks and whatever you're all
(28:46):
imagining in your head right now. I promise you it
was way gayer than that. I also have this condition
called sleep apnea. A lot of the wives, they're looking
at at husband's right now. She's elbowing them right now
the front row. Do you know how you find out
you have sleep apnea? You come home and the couch
(29:09):
is made into a bed with a sign that says
you sleep here now. I asked my wife about it.
She's like, listen, I can't sleep next to you anymore.
You sound like RuPaul putting on a drag show. I
was like, what does that mean? So she recorded it
and blayed it for me, and it sounded like this.
It was like yeah, yeah, yuas queen. I was like,
(29:38):
you know what, I should probably see somebody about that.
That doesn't seem normal. So I called my doctor and
he was like, yeah, you know what I can send
you would at home sleep apnea test. So he said
up to me, I got the box. I remember that
night I got the box. I'm in my bathroom looking
at it. I've got my little black Terry cross robe on,
just likeugh taking out pieces. First, I had to put
(29:59):
a mask that goes on my face, a box on
my chest, a little belt with a bunch of stuff
on it on my waist, and then a heart rate
monitor on my hand. I was like, all right, I'm
just gonna go to bed and get it over with.
And I go and get in bed and my wife
rubs my back. She goes, it's okay, it's just one night.
I go, I know, shows my back again. She goes,
(30:20):
I love you. Go I love you too, shows my
back again. She goes, you want to get frisky. That
is the weirdest way to find out that your wife
is in the Star Wars cosplay, because I looked like
dollar store Darth Vader. But I'm married, so I'm not
(30:41):
going to turn it down. We went at it, and
then about a week later, the doctor calls me and
he goes, hey, I just want you to know you
have very severe obstructive sleep apnea. I'm gonna send you
something for that. I go, okay, great, thank you much.
He goes, well, well, hold on one second, one more thing.
It seems like you have a heart attack for about
(31:08):
one hundred and twenty seconds and then you just pass out.
I was like, oh, Sex, that's a record. Can you
send that to me? And now it's all my refrigerator
with my kids report cards,
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