April 4, 2025 • 39 mins
Take a listen to Jay Rene as she shares her journey of 3 marriages 2 failed and why?
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, hey, everybody, welcome to my show, The Couch of
Therapy Show. I am your host, Honey R. Jordan, and
today we have the lovely Jay Renee coming on. We
are continuing our conversation. Hopefully you guys were able to
see her interview on our YouTube channel, please subscribe, and
(00:23):
we kind of felt like we didn't really go into
her backstory. So with no further ado, welcome jay Renee, Hi, Hi,
thank you for having You're so welcome, And everybody please
excuse my voice. I have been a little ill lost.
My voice is just trying now to come back. But
(00:44):
I did not want to skip this interview. So when
we were on the live show on YouTube, we were
talking about how jay Renee got into her third mate
marriage and she's happy now this is her last marriage,
(01:04):
their blended family, but we didn't really dig into what
actually happened with the first two marriages and wife she
truly had to leave those abusive marriages. So I wanted
to talk about your first marriage day. Can you just
give us a little bit of you know, the danger
you were in.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Absolutely my first marriage, I got married at nineteen because
my oldest daughter's father and everything was good in the
beginning like the usual. But shortly after we got married
and I moved in, there were signs of abuse, and
(01:53):
I just it took me more by shock than anything,
and so that made me not do anything right away,
and I just kind of brushed it over, like, Okay,
this will probably stop, because it was I had never
(02:13):
experienced abuse in a relationship, and it was verbal, but
once it got physical, because I thought back, I thought
it was okay to say I thought that was being strong.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
I get it. I mean, those that have been through
that probably believe the same thing, you know. But it's
so funny how it starts off verbally goes into the
physical and at least you fought back as best as
you could, but go ahead to continue.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
And so just it just got more and more. It
just continued to happen more frequently, to the point, you know,
police would get called, the neighbors would call, He would
even call, and they just stopped coming after a while
because it was happening so frequently. There were times that
(03:14):
you know, he would kick me and our daughter out
of the house and I would have to get picked
up my friends or relatives, or he would call them himself.
In the middle of the night and just be threatening
my life to my family, and so it just affected
so many people. And you know, there were times I
(03:37):
would run to the neighbor's house. He would come looking
for me, dragging me down the street, literally dragging me
in the middle of the street. My clothes would be
coming off, So there were times I was pretty much
make it in the middle of the street because my
clothes I came off from him dragging me down the street.
(03:59):
And there were times that you know, he would kick
us out. I wouldn't have the diapers, wouldn't have you know,
food for the baby, any of those things. And it
continued for I would tell you about a good year
year plush, and then finally I got the courage to
(04:22):
leave and did not care about what was going to
be next. It was just I knew I had to
get my daughter, and I at the yes, yes, And
when you left, that's a courage. What steps did you
take to start your healing process? And then how did
(04:46):
you end up in your second marriage? Well, the knight
that I left, he was trying to kick stat me
with the knife and I had to just basically leave
with it's throwing my daughter in her car seat, not
buckling her in, me jumping in the car and driving
(05:07):
off with her door open, my door open, and him
running down the street. So it was a very tragic moment.
And I don't feel at that time I even knew
about a healing process because I didn't even fully understand
(05:29):
the depth of what I was already experiencing, you know,
the use that I was experiencing. I grew up in
a two parent home, My natural parents been married, you know,
my life, and they had a healthy marriage. So I
didn't see any of those things so about a healing process.
(05:52):
And so when I left him, I went back to
my ex and moved in with him because I had
nowhere else to go, right, right, Oh, healing process during
that time.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
And the ex who you end up marrying are the ex?
Speaker 3 (06:13):
Yes, m hm, okay, So when was it that it
was completely final and you kind of like moved on.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
What did that look like for you?
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Well, maybe a month after I left, I went to
go pick our daughter up from daycare. We didn't have
any communication and for a month and I went to
go pick up our daughter from daycare after work and
(06:51):
he was there holding her, and because I didn't have
any legal documents in place. There was nothing my daycare
provider could do to prevent him from taking her or
being there. And so as we walked out of her door,
he just asked me, like, why did you come back home?
(07:15):
And I was just like, are you serious, Like you
literally tried to stab me and take my life. I'm
not coming back. And so he was like, no, I
think you need to come back. And I could just
see where he was going with this, and so to
just play it cool, I was like, Okay, I'll come
(07:37):
follow you right now. So I took our daughter and
I put and luckily he had asked her she was
old enough to say some things because she was about
three years old at the time. He had asked her
where we were staying at, and I was like, hoping
(07:57):
she didn't disclose where we were staying at, because then
that would have enraged him. And she was like, we're
living at a church. And I didn't even coheurt her
to say anything, but that's what she said, yea. And
so we got in the car. I started following him,
(08:18):
but then we were going over a bridge, he decided
to pull on the side of me and turned his
car into mind and try to make me go over
the bridge, and the car kind of spinned out a
(08:38):
little bit and turned the opposite way, and I just
put my foot on the gas and just drove. And
then I just remember driving into some neighborhoods, you know,
turning up and down different streets, hoping he wouldn't find me.
And then I ended up on the freeway going back
to where we were staying. And then from that point
(09:03):
on I stopped taking her to the day care because
I knew he would come back.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
That Yeah, well, I'm happy he got away.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Yeah. So the next day was when I filed for divorced.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Oh yeah, he's got to try to kill you twice.
I feel you'll know that I began that tas okay,
And how long was it before you were actually completely
divorced moved on? And what happened to him later, if
you don't mind sharing, it took.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
It took a little over six months for divorce to
be final, and about five years after we divorced, well
even before we broke up, he started having some mental
health issues. And because I don't have experience with that either,
(10:11):
I didn't understand what was going on. I just thought
he was crazy. But later that got worse afterwards, you know,
after I left, and I just discovered later that, you know,
he basically needed help, and I found out he had
(10:32):
to be put in a home, and it just got
worse for him, and he ended up committing suicide.
Speaker 4 (10:44):
Oh wow, Wow, that hard.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
It was really hard. It was hard for me because
of our daughter. She had went years without seeing him
or talking to him. I didn't know where he was at.
I could have probably tried to find some of his
family members, but during the time that we were together
(11:20):
and all the abuse was going on, they were not
trying to help. And so I just did not want
to reach that chapter because I felt like, if you
didn't care during that time when your son was kicking
his wife and his child out in the middle of
(11:41):
the street at night, why should I continue to try
to reach out and force you to build a relationship
with her, you know. So I was just really sad
for her because she didn't she wasn't going to have
that opportunity to build a relationship with her father. So
(12:03):
that's what, you know, that's what really struck me and
really hurt me during that time. But and it has
been hard, you know, it was really hard We've had
a very difficult relationship my daughter and I because of that.
And she has since then reunited with her father's side
(12:27):
of the family, and of course they have told her
things that aren't true. So it's been a very difficult road.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Needless to say. But I pray for healing. Though I
prayed for healing at some point. M absolutely thank you. Yeah,
because she doesn't know. She was too young, and you know, yes,
(12:59):
and and her parents can't really know. Our family can't
really know. They didn't live there, and so they can't
speak on something they didn't experience with you or try
to help you. Right, Yes, he's no longer here. And unfortunately,
(13:22):
like you said, he had mental illness, and so many
of our men do. It's hard to have them even
get diagnosed and get the care that they need, you know, absolutely,
so I pray for that. So now that that's you know,
(13:42):
you've moved on, you're still working on you and your
daughter's relationships. How is it when you get to your
second well, how old were you.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
When?
Speaker 1 (13:55):
What when you got married the second time? I was.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I want to say I was roughly maybe about twenty
three twenty four baby when I got married the second
very still.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Young and still needed to heal mm hmm. Yeah, I
get it though.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Yeah, I was like, actually I was about take us on.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
The journey of that relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Well, I knew him before I knew my first husband,
so we I met him when I was sixteen, and
like I said in the interview on YouTube, it was
you know, I was raised in a Christian hul Gary
straight and he was not. He was raised you know,
kind of on the opposite side of the tracks. So
(14:56):
that's what attracted me to him. Uh. Of course, having
the knowledge I have now, there were signs in the beginning.
I just did not think they were signs. A lot
of times, I know in relationships when guys are you know,
I don't want you going over here. I want you
(15:18):
to stay home. I want this. You know, when you
are misinformed, you look at it like, oh, he loves me,
he cares about me.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Yeah, you think it's affection instead of possession.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
I think it's thing, and you don't recognize that that
is a controlling situation. So that started early on. The
controlling started early on. I just looked at it that
it was love and that he cared about me. So
that's really how that relationship started, and as it gradually,
(15:59):
he was there and to this day very good at
manipulation and gas lighting. And so that's what really molded
me to be able to stay as long as I did.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
That.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Yeah, we had kids, you know, fairly, you know, we
had kids kind of back to back, which I felt
was his way of holding me.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Yeah, keeping you bound, keeping your bath bun.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
I know a lot of people say a lot of
women do that, but there are men that do that.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Girl is more men than women than people think that.
That is unknown tactic. If they keep them pregnant, then
she'll stay. Who's gonna want her type stuff, So that's
a non tactically.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
And those those things I said to me, you know
often and just really you know, they my identity really
got lost being with him. I became less confident in myself.
I wasn't afraid in my first marriage, even though I
(17:32):
was being abused, I did not I wasn't afraid of him.
I wasn't afraid to fight back, stand up for myself.
But in this relationship I was because that was his tactic.
Fear instilling a lot of fear, constant threats, you know,
(17:52):
of my life being taken from me, weapons getting pulled
on me, pregnant and not pregnant, going to work with
scars on my face, sleeping on floors, just a lot
(18:13):
of fear tactics being used during that time, and and
and all of that, I still managed to be be
the best mom that I could while I was being abused,
and realistically all of us were being abused, just in
(18:35):
different ways.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
That part, that's true, m hm. And so how is
this feeling going now that you're out of that marriage.
Let's go back to what did you do to kill
that trauma get yourself together before even getting married a
(18:57):
third time?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Well, I did go to therapy during that marriage, but
I didn't have a good I went through about three
therapists during that marriage, and none of them one just
wanted to medicate me than one of the other therapists.
(19:24):
She just was like a person that I could get to.
And then the final therapist that I had during that marriage, she,
I would say, was more like an accusatory, like why
are you still there? And you know this this and
this is gonna happen. So I feel like I didn't
have the support and getting a proper information that I
(19:48):
needed during that time. But when this last time. When
I left, they say you a personally seven times, Well
it took me three. I found a really good therapist.
I like prayed, you know, that God would provide me
with find help me finding really good therapists. And I
(20:10):
did this time. And I was very adamant and intentional
about healing because.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
I had learned that.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Going from one relationship to the next was not healthy.
And I had did some homework, not a lot, but
enough to know what I was dealing with, you know,
dealing with narcissism, dealing with the different forms of abuse
and trauma, and you know, losing myself while with someone
(20:49):
not having the confidence or the courage, being co dependent,
all of those things. And I wanted help because being
controlled for over twenty years, you learn that system, but
you also train yourself to deal with it by teaching
(21:13):
yourself your own system to be able to stand what
you're going through. And I have been accustomed to living
a certain way, being a certain way, thinking a certain way.
And I knew that if I didn't get the proper help,
it was going to be detrimental not only for myself
but for my children.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
And if I did.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
In another relationship, it would not survive because of so
much trauma and baggage bringing into that new relationship. So
I did. I went to therapy. I had to go
to therapy every week for the first year, and sometimes
(21:57):
I had to have two sessions in a week. I
had to learn how to be okay with thinking the
thoughts that I had and wanting to do the things
that I wanted to do. I was controlled in a
lot of ways in that marriage, from what I wore,
(22:20):
how were my hair, friendships were controlled, my relationships with
my family were controlled, going places, the timing that I
stayed at certain places were controlled. What I could for
dinner on certain days were controlled. So it was really,
(22:43):
you know, going to church. I would go, but I
was coming home to a three to four hour lecture
about why I shouldn't be going to church.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
So it was just.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
A lot of control going on during that time. So
I could be out by myself and say I wanted
to grab something. It could be a pack of chicken
or whatever, and I'm like thinking, Okay, what day is it?
Is it okay for me to cook this? So I
(23:23):
had to get help to know that my thoughts and
what I wanted to do was okay that if I
wanted to cook tacos on Thursday, I could do that.
It didn't have to be Tuesday, right right, and get
out my clothes because I could hear that voice in
my head. No, you don't need to be wearing that
because it makes you look like this and you're represented.
(23:46):
You know, just different things that were told to me.
That's what I would hear when I would be trying
to make decisions on my own. So I had to
learn all of that. I took a peer of support
specialist course. That's certain if I and I. I took
a course on narcissism and trauma. I took a counseling course.
(24:07):
I took courses on uh trafficking because a lot of people,
at least I know for myself, I didn't know that
abuse and trafficking go hand.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
In hand in hand.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Yeah, and you know that, you know a lot of
people just they don't look at it like if you're
an abusive relationship. There are different forms of trafficking, and
I was trafficking from my ex husin in different ways,
(24:41):
and I did that until I took that course. Being
you know, financially, whether it will be performing tasks those
are all that's those are considered trafficking being forced to
do something that I want to do, And so there
was a lot of me doing things forcefully that I
(25:04):
didn't want to do. So it was hard for me
to really grasp that that happened to me. That it's like, okay,
I was abused, you know, I've experienced a lot of trauma,
and then on top of that, I was trafficed, you know,
by somebody that was supposed to protect me.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
And then even with.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Taking the Peer Support Specialist course, even though it was
a class and I had the test to get certified,
you know, sharing our stories was part of the course,
and just hearing some of the stories and sharing my story,
I noticed that even though I wasn't a cutter per
(25:52):
se to myself, me getting tastes was me being a cutter.
I just didn't do it myself. I was allowing somebody
else to do it. So so that was a form
of my pain, like I need to feel feeling okay.
(26:13):
So I just have learned during this healing process a
lot of things that I did during that time, even
if it wasn't something that I did to myself, it
was still self harm and when you've been abused and
you don't seek help, you wouldn't even understand that some
(26:36):
of the things that you're doing is considered something else,
you know what I mean. Right, So to like learn
outside of that relationship who I was while I was
being abused and the type of person that I was,
(26:58):
and it's been very healing is a great thing, but
it's very painful because.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Oh yeah, nobody talks about that.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
You have to be so vulnerable and brutally honest with yourself.
It's hard for me. I literally had to stop talking
to him cold Turkey for a few months because I
was so conditioned when a text message came in to
immediately respond or when he called to immediately answer. I
(27:32):
couldn't miss a call. I couldn't not respond to a
text or I'm you know, there was ramatic from that.
And so even though I still had to communicate with him,
because we you know, our children are still minors, I
had to go about it differently, you know, going through
the court app and unfortunately, you know, because of things
(27:58):
sometimes our children were the point of contact mm hmm.
So they, you know, they've been exposed to a lot.
So just getting a good therapist and most importantly God.
Just developing a closer relationship with God has really gotten
me through, you know, like I said, and also taking
(28:23):
classes to be more informed about what I experienced to
be certified so that way I can also help other people.
You know, not everybody's exit is the same, and some
people don't make it out. You know, I have health
issues them from you know, the abuse that I encountered.
(28:44):
You know, I can't handle stress very well. It affects
me in my health. You do, you can, you know,
come down with sicknesses from the trauma and you're body
experiencing those so.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
And that's a fact because your brain, your brain function
actually changes chemically, It literally changes when you've experienced trauma.
It is scientifically known that the way it was wired
before is we wired a different way. And absolutely, like
you said, the healing process is very painful because then
(29:24):
at that in those moments, you have to start telling
yourself truths on what you did, accept, what role did
you play, all of that, you know, and then you've
got to forgive yourself. And I think that's hard. That's
the hardest part because we're easy to forgive others, but
to forgiving ourselves. It seems like that's just a hard journey,
you know.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
Yeah, And I'm constantly, you know, still forgiving myself, like
you know, when I see, you know, as my children
are getting older, I'm saying so much of how they
were affected, you know, by that relationship, and also because
they're still connected with their father, and I just hurt
(30:09):
because I'm like, had I got out sooner, you guys
wouldn't be experiencing these things. You guys wouldn't be thinking
that certain things are okay that are not okay.
Speaker 5 (30:22):
Yeah, that's the hard part is Yeah, it's taking the
accountability that we as parents have caused our own children
childhood trouble.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Yeah, owning that and then doing what you can to
rectify it. It's a journey in itself. Yeah, and so
and we don't talk about it much, you know, but
I am happy that you are doing the work. And
all you can do is take one day at a
(30:58):
time and forgive yourself. Give yourself great, because God gives
it to us every day. We have to learn to
give it to ourselves and just continue to create the
space in the room for your children to come to
you and be able to express ourselves in the moments
when things because everything is how gold I put it,
(31:19):
things are going to hit them later, right, their memory
and things of that nature. And so they have to
have a safe place to be able to come to you,
and you have to operate in a place of not
being offensive when they do.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Yeah, absolutely, yeah, And.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
That ain't easy to do, right when in your head
you feel like you did the best you could, Like
I did the best I can. I did get out.
I was scared of myself. But we have to acknowledge
their their experience.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
Absolutely. Yeah. You know. I feel like just because I
responded to it in a certain way, I had to
look at it like, well, they're children. I'm an adult
responding to this trauma and the abuse, and so I
couldn't even imagine as a kid how you would intake
that because I wasn't a kid experiencing it, you know,
(32:17):
And we I've had conversations with them just admitting like
I'm sorry, Mommy did not bring you into this world
to purposely harm you or to allow harm to come
to you. It, you know, it was it was something
that we both unfortunately experienced together. And you know, I've apologized,
(32:42):
I've admitted my mistakes, all of those things. So it's
it's hard having to look your babies.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
In the face and.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Say that, and you know that they're hurting, and just
like you know, you're the kid to what you can do,
and all I can do is support them. But the
other thing was making sure that they get the help
that they need. And and then I had to also
(33:19):
relearn how to be affectionate. And so my husband he
did go with me to therapy and he still does
because I had to learn how to communicate properly and healthily.
I had to learn how to be affectionate. And you know,
(33:43):
just things that people call normal, they weren't normal to
me anymore because of my trauma.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
Yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. How is it.
Let's let's go now to where you are now. How
is the marriage now, the love you have for each other?
How are the children navigating this marriage? How does that
look for you?
Speaker 2 (34:10):
I can definitely tell the difference of what is health
a healthy relationship and what is not. It's very peaceful.
We communicate very well, very open, very honest, very vulnerable
with each other. I have confidence in myself. I know
(34:35):
the things that I want, I know the things that
I'm willing to accept and the things that I don't
want to accept. And he's the same way. He's had
his own experience as well, because women can be abusers
as well, and so we have a very good communication.
(34:57):
We have very good communication with us. He's very patient
with me. He's very informative of triggers that I have.
So just knowing how to talk to each other and
support each other and praying together, keeping God at the
(35:19):
forefront of our relationship. That has been very important and
helpful in guiding our relationship. And like I said previously,
just both of us being in counseling and not because
anything's bad in our marriage, but because things are good
and we want to continue on making sure they stay
(35:43):
good and healthy. Being open with our children. He's very
very patient with my kids because he knows what they've
gone through and it's just broken his heart.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
So he just is.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
Very patient with them. But you know, we have challenges
because of the trauma and what you know we've all
been through. But like I said, we communicate very well.
And because when you have a healthy relationship and the
(36:20):
love that their love does cover a multitude of things.
And so it's just been just a breath of fresh air,
having that support system in the home, you know, not yelling,
not being disrespectful, no manipulative behavior, just very genuine and
pure with good, healthy intentions and just wanting the best
(36:45):
for each other. Is like I tell some of my
friends now, it's like I'm not posting on social media
and pretending to be happy anymore. It's like when I'm posting,
when I'm saying that's real, right, I'm happy, that's good
happy because to be happy, you know what I say, Like,
(37:07):
I'm sincere. I'm not being forced to lie about how
I'm feeling, you know, about the person on our w
and it's just it's great, you know, to be able
to be free. And one thing my husband always tells me,
he's like, even though we're married, he was like, you're free,
You're free to be you and don't ever forget that, and.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
You need that in any relationship that you're in. Yeah.
I want to ask this question and then we're going
to conclude. If you could give you your twenty year
old self any advice, what would that be?
Speaker 2 (37:46):
It would be to be a few things. One would
be to when you see a sign that does not
look right, trust that and don't think that it's going
to be any different or the sign is going to change.
(38:08):
Just know that what you see and your first thought
about that sign, that's real. And also when you have
elders in your life that love you and you know
what the that's for you, and they're giving you advice
about a person that you're with, believe them because they
(38:29):
see something that you don't see. You know, they have
more wisdom and I ignored that. You know, I had
people telling me things and I ignored it thinking they
didn't know what they were talking about, and they did.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
Yeah, that's really good advice. Thank you Jay Renee for
coming on. I just really appreciate you being able to
tell your backstory and I hope that your story will
actually break someone that's in bondage because that's what that is,
and help them release theirselves, get the help that they
need to be in a healthy, loving relationship first and
(39:12):
foremost with their selves, and then if God permits, with
someone else. So I want to thank you for being
on my show. Thank you guys for tuning in. I
have really appreciated. I hope that you guys can also
go and view her show on right right now is
airing playing now on my YouTube channel, but of course
(39:32):
this here show you can listen to over and over
again on iHeartRadio. Please subscribe and download. I appreciate you
all
Hey, hey, everybody, welcome to my show, The Couch of
Therapy Show. I am your host, Honey R. Jordan, and
today we have the lovely Jay Renee coming on. We
are continuing our conversation. Hopefully you guys were able to
see her interview on our YouTube channel, please subscribe, and
(00:23):
we kind of felt like we didn't really go into
her backstory. So with no further ado, welcome jay Renee, Hi, Hi,
thank you for having You're so welcome, And everybody please
excuse my voice. I have been a little ill lost.
My voice is just trying now to come back. But
(00:44):
I did not want to skip this interview. So when
we were on the live show on YouTube, we were
talking about how jay Renee got into her third mate
marriage and she's happy now this is her last marriage,
(01:04):
their blended family, but we didn't really dig into what
actually happened with the first two marriages and wife she
truly had to leave those abusive marriages. So I wanted
to talk about your first marriage day. Can you just
give us a little bit of you know, the danger
you were in.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Absolutely my first marriage, I got married at nineteen because
my oldest daughter's father and everything was good in the
beginning like the usual. But shortly after we got married
and I moved in, there were signs of abuse, and
(01:53):
I just it took me more by shock than anything,
and so that made me not do anything right away,
and I just kind of brushed it over, like, Okay,
this will probably stop, because it was I had never
(02:13):
experienced abuse in a relationship, and it was verbal, but
once it got physical, because I thought back, I thought
it was okay to say I thought that was being strong.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
I get it. I mean, those that have been through
that probably believe the same thing, you know. But it's
so funny how it starts off verbally goes into the
physical and at least you fought back as best as
you could, but go ahead to continue.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
And so just it just got more and more. It
just continued to happen more frequently, to the point, you know,
police would get called, the neighbors would call, He would
even call, and they just stopped coming after a while
because it was happening so frequently. There were times that
(03:14):
you know, he would kick me and our daughter out
of the house and I would have to get picked
up my friends or relatives, or he would call them himself.
In the middle of the night and just be threatening
my life to my family, and so it just affected
so many people. And you know, there were times I
(03:37):
would run to the neighbor's house. He would come looking
for me, dragging me down the street, literally dragging me
in the middle of the street. My clothes would be
coming off, So there were times I was pretty much
make it in the middle of the street because my
clothes I came off from him dragging me down the street.
(03:59):
And there were times that you know, he would kick
us out. I wouldn't have the diapers, wouldn't have you know,
food for the baby, any of those things. And it
continued for I would tell you about a good year
year plush, and then finally I got the courage to
(04:22):
leave and did not care about what was going to
be next. It was just I knew I had to
get my daughter, and I at the yes, yes, And
when you left, that's a courage. What steps did you
take to start your healing process? And then how did
(04:46):
you end up in your second marriage? Well, the knight
that I left, he was trying to kick stat me
with the knife and I had to just basically leave
with it's throwing my daughter in her car seat, not
buckling her in, me jumping in the car and driving
(05:07):
off with her door open, my door open, and him
running down the street. So it was a very tragic moment.
And I don't feel at that time I even knew
about a healing process because I didn't even fully understand
(05:29):
the depth of what I was already experiencing, you know,
the use that I was experiencing. I grew up in
a two parent home, My natural parents been married, you know,
my life, and they had a healthy marriage. So I
didn't see any of those things so about a healing process.
(05:52):
And so when I left him, I went back to
my ex and moved in with him because I had
nowhere else to go, right, right, Oh, healing process during
that time.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
And the ex who you end up marrying are the ex?
Speaker 3 (06:13):
Yes, m hm, okay, So when was it that it
was completely final and you kind of like moved on.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
What did that look like for you?
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Well, maybe a month after I left, I went to
go pick our daughter up from daycare. We didn't have
any communication and for a month and I went to
go pick up our daughter from daycare after work and
(06:51):
he was there holding her, and because I didn't have
any legal documents in place. There was nothing my daycare
provider could do to prevent him from taking her or
being there. And so as we walked out of her door,
he just asked me, like, why did you come back home?
(07:15):
And I was just like, are you serious, Like you
literally tried to stab me and take my life. I'm
not coming back. And so he was like, no, I
think you need to come back. And I could just
see where he was going with this, and so to
just play it cool, I was like, Okay, I'll come
(07:37):
follow you right now. So I took our daughter and
I put and luckily he had asked her she was
old enough to say some things because she was about
three years old at the time. He had asked her
where we were staying at, and I was like, hoping
(07:57):
she didn't disclose where we were staying at, because then
that would have enraged him. And she was like, we're
living at a church. And I didn't even coheurt her
to say anything, but that's what she said, yea. And
so we got in the car. I started following him,
(08:18):
but then we were going over a bridge, he decided
to pull on the side of me and turned his
car into mind and try to make me go over
the bridge, and the car kind of spinned out a
(08:38):
little bit and turned the opposite way, and I just
put my foot on the gas and just drove. And
then I just remember driving into some neighborhoods, you know,
turning up and down different streets, hoping he wouldn't find me.
And then I ended up on the freeway going back
to where we were staying. And then from that point
(09:03):
on I stopped taking her to the day care because
I knew he would come back.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
That Yeah, well, I'm happy he got away.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Yeah. So the next day was when I filed for divorced.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Oh yeah, he's got to try to kill you twice.
I feel you'll know that I began that tas okay,
And how long was it before you were actually completely
divorced moved on? And what happened to him later, if
you don't mind sharing, it took.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
It took a little over six months for divorce to
be final, and about five years after we divorced, well
even before we broke up, he started having some mental
health issues. And because I don't have experience with that either,
(10:11):
I didn't understand what was going on. I just thought
he was crazy. But later that got worse afterwards, you know,
after I left, and I just discovered later that, you know,
he basically needed help, and I found out he had
(10:32):
to be put in a home, and it just got
worse for him, and he ended up committing suicide.
Speaker 4 (10:44):
Oh wow, Wow, that hard.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
It was really hard. It was hard for me because
of our daughter. She had went years without seeing him
or talking to him. I didn't know where he was at.
I could have probably tried to find some of his
family members, but during the time that we were together
(11:20):
and all the abuse was going on, they were not
trying to help. And so I just did not want
to reach that chapter because I felt like, if you
didn't care during that time when your son was kicking
his wife and his child out in the middle of
(11:41):
the street at night, why should I continue to try
to reach out and force you to build a relationship
with her, you know. So I was just really sad
for her because she didn't she wasn't going to have
that opportunity to build a relationship with her father. So
(12:03):
that's what, you know, that's what really struck me and
really hurt me during that time. But and it has
been hard, you know, it was really hard We've had
a very difficult relationship my daughter and I because of that.
And she has since then reunited with her father's side
(12:27):
of the family, and of course they have told her
things that aren't true. So it's been a very difficult road.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Needless to say. But I pray for healing. Though I
prayed for healing at some point. M absolutely thank you. Yeah,
because she doesn't know. She was too young, and you know, yes,
(12:59):
and and her parents can't really know. Our family can't
really know. They didn't live there, and so they can't
speak on something they didn't experience with you or try
to help you. Right, Yes, he's no longer here. And unfortunately,
(13:22):
like you said, he had mental illness, and so many
of our men do. It's hard to have them even
get diagnosed and get the care that they need, you know, absolutely,
so I pray for that. So now that that's you know,
(13:42):
you've moved on, you're still working on you and your
daughter's relationships. How is it when you get to your
second well, how old were you.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
When?
Speaker 1 (13:55):
What when you got married the second time? I was.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I want to say I was roughly maybe about twenty
three twenty four baby when I got married the second
very still.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Young and still needed to heal mm hmm. Yeah, I
get it though.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Yeah, I was like, actually I was about take us on.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
The journey of that relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Well, I knew him before I knew my first husband,
so we I met him when I was sixteen, and
like I said in the interview on YouTube, it was
you know, I was raised in a Christian hul Gary
straight and he was not. He was raised you know,
kind of on the opposite side of the tracks. So
(14:56):
that's what attracted me to him. Uh. Of course, having
the knowledge I have now, there were signs in the beginning.
I just did not think they were signs. A lot
of times, I know in relationships when guys are you know,
I don't want you going over here. I want you
(15:18):
to stay home. I want this. You know, when you
are misinformed, you look at it like, oh, he loves me,
he cares about me.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Yeah, you think it's affection instead of possession.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
I think it's thing, and you don't recognize that that
is a controlling situation. So that started early on. The
controlling started early on. I just looked at it that
it was love and that he cared about me. So
that's really how that relationship started, and as it gradually,
(15:59):
he was there and to this day very good at
manipulation and gas lighting. And so that's what really molded
me to be able to stay as long as I did.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
That.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Yeah, we had kids, you know, fairly, you know, we
had kids kind of back to back, which I felt
was his way of holding me.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Yeah, keeping you bound, keeping your bath bun.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
I know a lot of people say a lot of
women do that, but there are men that do that.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Girl is more men than women than people think that.
That is unknown tactic. If they keep them pregnant, then
she'll stay. Who's gonna want her type stuff, So that's
a non tactically.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
And those those things I said to me, you know
often and just really you know, they my identity really
got lost being with him. I became less confident in myself.
I wasn't afraid in my first marriage, even though I
(17:32):
was being abused, I did not I wasn't afraid of him.
I wasn't afraid to fight back, stand up for myself.
But in this relationship I was because that was his tactic.
Fear instilling a lot of fear, constant threats, you know,
(17:52):
of my life being taken from me, weapons getting pulled
on me, pregnant and not pregnant, going to work with
scars on my face, sleeping on floors, just a lot
(18:13):
of fear tactics being used during that time, and and
and all of that, I still managed to be be
the best mom that I could while I was being abused,
and realistically all of us were being abused, just in
(18:35):
different ways.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
That part, that's true, m hm. And so how is
this feeling going now that you're out of that marriage.
Let's go back to what did you do to kill
that trauma get yourself together before even getting married a
(18:57):
third time?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Well, I did go to therapy during that marriage, but
I didn't have a good I went through about three
therapists during that marriage, and none of them one just
wanted to medicate me than one of the other therapists.
(19:24):
She just was like a person that I could get to.
And then the final therapist that I had during that marriage, she,
I would say, was more like an accusatory, like why
are you still there? And you know this this and
this is gonna happen. So I feel like I didn't
have the support and getting a proper information that I
(19:48):
needed during that time. But when this last time. When
I left, they say you a personally seven times, Well
it took me three. I found a really good therapist.
I like prayed, you know, that God would provide me
with find help me finding really good therapists. And I
(20:10):
did this time. And I was very adamant and intentional
about healing because.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
I had learned that.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Going from one relationship to the next was not healthy.
And I had did some homework, not a lot, but
enough to know what I was dealing with, you know,
dealing with narcissism, dealing with the different forms of abuse
and trauma, and you know, losing myself while with someone
(20:49):
not having the confidence or the courage, being co dependent,
all of those things. And I wanted help because being
controlled for over twenty years, you learn that system, but
you also train yourself to deal with it by teaching
(21:13):
yourself your own system to be able to stand what
you're going through. And I have been accustomed to living
a certain way, being a certain way, thinking a certain way.
And I knew that if I didn't get the proper help,
it was going to be detrimental not only for myself
but for my children.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
And if I did.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
In another relationship, it would not survive because of so
much trauma and baggage bringing into that new relationship. So
I did. I went to therapy. I had to go
to therapy every week for the first year, and sometimes
(21:57):
I had to have two sessions in a week. I
had to learn how to be okay with thinking the
thoughts that I had and wanting to do the things
that I wanted to do. I was controlled in a
lot of ways in that marriage, from what I wore,
(22:20):
how were my hair, friendships were controlled, my relationships with
my family were controlled, going places, the timing that I
stayed at certain places were controlled. What I could for
dinner on certain days were controlled. So it was really,
(22:43):
you know, going to church. I would go, but I
was coming home to a three to four hour lecture
about why I shouldn't be going to church.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
So it was just.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
A lot of control going on during that time. So
I could be out by myself and say I wanted
to grab something. It could be a pack of chicken
or whatever, and I'm like thinking, Okay, what day is it?
Is it okay for me to cook this? So I
(23:23):
had to get help to know that my thoughts and
what I wanted to do was okay that if I
wanted to cook tacos on Thursday, I could do that.
It didn't have to be Tuesday, right right, and get
out my clothes because I could hear that voice in
my head. No, you don't need to be wearing that
because it makes you look like this and you're represented.
(23:46):
You know, just different things that were told to me.
That's what I would hear when I would be trying
to make decisions on my own. So I had to
learn all of that. I took a peer of support
specialist course. That's certain if I and I. I took
a course on narcissism and trauma. I took a counseling course.
(24:07):
I took courses on uh trafficking because a lot of people,
at least I know for myself, I didn't know that
abuse and trafficking go hand.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
In hand in hand.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Yeah, and you know that, you know a lot of
people just they don't look at it like if you're
an abusive relationship. There are different forms of trafficking, and
I was trafficking from my ex husin in different ways,
(24:41):
and I did that until I took that course. Being
you know, financially, whether it will be performing tasks those
are all that's those are considered trafficking being forced to
do something that I want to do, And so there
was a lot of me doing things forcefully that I
(25:04):
didn't want to do. So it was hard for me
to really grasp that that happened to me. That it's like, okay,
I was abused, you know, I've experienced a lot of trauma,
and then on top of that, I was trafficed, you know,
by somebody that was supposed to protect me.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
And then even with.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Taking the Peer Support Specialist course, even though it was
a class and I had the test to get certified,
you know, sharing our stories was part of the course,
and just hearing some of the stories and sharing my story,
I noticed that even though I wasn't a cutter per
(25:52):
se to myself, me getting tastes was me being a cutter.
I just didn't do it myself. I was allowing somebody
else to do it. So so that was a form
of my pain, like I need to feel feeling okay.
(26:13):
So I just have learned during this healing process a
lot of things that I did during that time, even
if it wasn't something that I did to myself, it
was still self harm and when you've been abused and
you don't seek help, you wouldn't even understand that some
(26:36):
of the things that you're doing is considered something else,
you know what I mean. Right, So to like learn
outside of that relationship who I was while I was
being abused and the type of person that I was,
(26:58):
and it's been very healing is a great thing, but
it's very painful because.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Oh yeah, nobody talks about that.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
You have to be so vulnerable and brutally honest with yourself.
It's hard for me. I literally had to stop talking
to him cold Turkey for a few months because I
was so conditioned when a text message came in to
immediately respond or when he called to immediately answer. I
(27:32):
couldn't miss a call. I couldn't not respond to a
text or I'm you know, there was ramatic from that.
And so even though I still had to communicate with him,
because we you know, our children are still minors, I
had to go about it differently, you know, going through
the court app and unfortunately, you know, because of things
(27:58):
sometimes our children were the point of contact mm hmm.
So they, you know, they've been exposed to a lot.
So just getting a good therapist and most importantly God.
Just developing a closer relationship with God has really gotten
me through, you know, like I said, and also taking
(28:23):
classes to be more informed about what I experienced to
be certified so that way I can also help other people.
You know, not everybody's exit is the same, and some
people don't make it out. You know, I have health
issues them from you know, the abuse that I encountered.
(28:44):
You know, I can't handle stress very well. It affects
me in my health. You do, you can, you know,
come down with sicknesses from the trauma and you're body
experiencing those so.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
And that's a fact because your brain, your brain function
actually changes chemically, It literally changes when you've experienced trauma.
It is scientifically known that the way it was wired
before is we wired a different way. And absolutely, like
you said, the healing process is very painful because then
(29:24):
at that in those moments, you have to start telling
yourself truths on what you did, accept, what role did
you play, all of that, you know, and then you've
got to forgive yourself. And I think that's hard. That's
the hardest part because we're easy to forgive others, but
to forgiving ourselves. It seems like that's just a hard journey,
you know.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
Yeah, And I'm constantly, you know, still forgiving myself, like
you know, when I see, you know, as my children
are getting older, I'm saying so much of how they
were affected, you know, by that relationship, and also because
they're still connected with their father, and I just hurt
(30:09):
because I'm like, had I got out sooner, you guys
wouldn't be experiencing these things. You guys wouldn't be thinking
that certain things are okay that are not okay.
Speaker 5 (30:22):
Yeah, that's the hard part is Yeah, it's taking the
accountability that we as parents have caused our own children
childhood trouble.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Yeah, owning that and then doing what you can to
rectify it. It's a journey in itself. Yeah, and so
and we don't talk about it much, you know, but
I am happy that you are doing the work. And
all you can do is take one day at a
(30:58):
time and forgive yourself. Give yourself great, because God gives
it to us every day. We have to learn to
give it to ourselves and just continue to create the
space in the room for your children to come to
you and be able to express ourselves in the moments
when things because everything is how gold I put it,
(31:19):
things are going to hit them later, right, their memory
and things of that nature. And so they have to
have a safe place to be able to come to you,
and you have to operate in a place of not
being offensive when they do.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Yeah, absolutely, yeah, And.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
That ain't easy to do, right when in your head
you feel like you did the best you could, Like
I did the best I can. I did get out.
I was scared of myself. But we have to acknowledge
their their experience.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
Absolutely. Yeah. You know. I feel like just because I
responded to it in a certain way, I had to
look at it like, well, they're children. I'm an adult
responding to this trauma and the abuse, and so I
couldn't even imagine as a kid how you would intake
that because I wasn't a kid experiencing it, you know,
(32:17):
And we I've had conversations with them just admitting like
I'm sorry, Mommy did not bring you into this world
to purposely harm you or to allow harm to come
to you. It, you know, it was it was something
that we both unfortunately experienced together. And you know, I've apologized,
(32:42):
I've admitted my mistakes, all of those things. So it's
it's hard having to look your babies.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
In the face and.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Say that, and you know that they're hurting, and just
like you know, you're the kid to what you can do,
and all I can do is support them. But the
other thing was making sure that they get the help
that they need. And and then I had to also
(33:19):
relearn how to be affectionate. And so my husband he
did go with me to therapy and he still does
because I had to learn how to communicate properly and healthily.
I had to learn how to be affectionate. And you know,
(33:43):
just things that people call normal, they weren't normal to
me anymore because of my trauma.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
Yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. How is it.
Let's let's go now to where you are now. How
is the marriage now, the love you have for each other?
How are the children navigating this marriage? How does that
look for you?
Speaker 2 (34:10):
I can definitely tell the difference of what is health
a healthy relationship and what is not. It's very peaceful.
We communicate very well, very open, very honest, very vulnerable
with each other. I have confidence in myself. I know
(34:35):
the things that I want, I know the things that
I'm willing to accept and the things that I don't
want to accept. And he's the same way. He's had
his own experience as well, because women can be abusers
as well, and so we have a very good communication.
(34:57):
We have very good communication with us. He's very patient
with me. He's very informative of triggers that I have.
So just knowing how to talk to each other and
support each other and praying together, keeping God at the
(35:19):
forefront of our relationship. That has been very important and
helpful in guiding our relationship. And like I said previously,
just both of us being in counseling and not because
anything's bad in our marriage, but because things are good
and we want to continue on making sure they stay
(35:43):
good and healthy. Being open with our children. He's very
very patient with my kids because he knows what they've
gone through and it's just broken his heart.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
So he just is.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
Very patient with them. But you know, we have challenges
because of the trauma and what you know we've all
been through. But like I said, we communicate very well.
And because when you have a healthy relationship and the
(36:20):
love that their love does cover a multitude of things.
And so it's just been just a breath of fresh air,
having that support system in the home, you know, not yelling,
not being disrespectful, no manipulative behavior, just very genuine and
pure with good, healthy intentions and just wanting the best
(36:45):
for each other. Is like I tell some of my
friends now, it's like I'm not posting on social media
and pretending to be happy anymore. It's like when I'm posting,
when I'm saying that's real, right, I'm happy, that's good
happy because to be happy, you know what I say, Like,
(37:07):
I'm sincere. I'm not being forced to lie about how
I'm feeling, you know, about the person on our w
and it's just it's great, you know, to be able
to be free. And one thing my husband always tells me,
he's like, even though we're married, he was like, you're free,
You're free to be you and don't ever forget that, and.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
You need that in any relationship that you're in. Yeah.
I want to ask this question and then we're going
to conclude. If you could give you your twenty year
old self any advice, what would that be?
Speaker 2 (37:46):
It would be to be a few things. One would
be to when you see a sign that does not
look right, trust that and don't think that it's going
to be any different or the sign is going to change.
(38:08):
Just know that what you see and your first thought
about that sign, that's real. And also when you have
elders in your life that love you and you know
what the that's for you, and they're giving you advice
about a person that you're with, believe them because they
(38:29):
see something that you don't see. You know, they have
more wisdom and I ignored that. You know, I had
people telling me things and I ignored it thinking they
didn't know what they were talking about, and they did.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
Yeah, that's really good advice. Thank you Jay Renee for
coming on. I just really appreciate you being able to
tell your backstory and I hope that your story will
actually break someone that's in bondage because that's what that is,
and help them release theirselves, get the help that they
need to be in a healthy, loving relationship first and
(39:12):
foremost with their selves, and then if God permits, with
someone else. So I want to thank you for being
on my show. Thank you guys for tuning in. I
have really appreciated. I hope that you guys can also
go and view her show on right right now is
airing playing now on my YouTube channel, but of course
(39:32):
this here show you can listen to over and over
again on iHeartRadio. Please subscribe and download. I appreciate you
all
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