May 28, 2025 • 20 mins
Take 2!
Moose the cat is the topic this week on The Daily Life of Frank as I talk about his potential fear of spiders, should he be taking a bath, an embarrassing moment we shared, and much more! All this will lead up to next week’s episode where I share our newest addition and all the fun we are having!
Moose the cat is the topic this week on The Daily Life of Frank as I talk about his potential fear of spiders, should he be taking a bath, an embarrassing moment we shared, and much more! All this will lead up to next week’s episode where I share our newest addition and all the fun we are having!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:15):
Come on in, everybody, Come on in, Come on in,
and welcome to Episode two hundred and eighty eight B.
Two hundred eight eight B. Good gravy, good gravy. Turn
(00:43):
it off, turn it off, Welcome on into the daylight
of Frank. The reason why I say is two hundred
eighty eight B. This is the second time I am
recording this podcast, the second time because the audio the
first time I recorded, he is not good. It is bad.
(01:03):
It's not good. It's bad. I tried to be like,
all right, it just sounds a little buffal and I
listened back to it today and I said, oh shit,
I have to re record this baby. So maybe one
day it will come out in like a special format,
an archive, or I don't know, whatever the fuck you
want to call it. But you know, the good thing
(01:23):
is I love doing it, so I don't know how.
You know, maybe take two will be better. Most sequels
are not better. Uh, try by, try my fucking damn
nest to remember what I said yesterday. But how is
everybody doing? Everybody doing? Okay? Summer officially happened over the weekend, supposedly,
(01:46):
right Memorial Day weekend is usually that first start of
summer in Chicago. That weather did not give us any
indication that it was the first the first start the summertime,
because the weather wasn't wasn't good, right, it wasn't it
wasn't wasn't good. So it is uh yeah, but it
(02:08):
was okay. It wasn't the best weather in the world.
There was a little bit of you know, it was
cloudy out at some points. It was a little bit
of windy little chili, uh, you know, but there were
some parts if we're in the sun, I was good, right,
but it wasn't like the official like I'm talking about.
I wanted to be eighty five Memorial Day weekend. I'm
grilling all weekend and he just couldn't do it. He
(02:30):
couldn't do It was still a good weekend, but it
really didn't feel like the official start of summer. Really didn't.
It's like, it's like raining on the fourth of July, right, everyone,
you know, everyone, you know, we try to make like
a you know, an excuse. We're like, oh, rain is
not rain on the fourth of July. That's okay, Well
we'll stay in and you're like, damn it. That ruined
the fourth of July because it's true. So you know,
(02:50):
a little bit nice weather, come my mother nature. We've
been nice. We've been nice. We we deserve the nice weather.
We we do, we do. But I don't know. Maybe
I need a little delay in the summertime because I
am having a struggle struggling with clothes anymore. And I
don't know what it is. I've been, you know, eating right,
(03:11):
feeling better, keeping my sugars in order, but I've been
eating a lot of meat and cheese. You know, I
want to keep those carb free. But I noticed when
you eat a lot of meat and cheese, and maybe
I'm not doing the carnivore diet correctly. And I'm drinking
a lot of diet coke, which maybe that's not part
of the carnivor diet, who knows. But there's a lot
of salt and all that shit. So it's retaining weight,
(03:33):
even gaining a little bit of weight. And I know
I have to get back on the old walking adventure
and the walking trail and the walking path, but lately
clothes are ripping, and I would like to say I
gained muscle, but it's actually the extra SLAMI that is
not a dirty joke. So get your minds out of
the gutter. Literally eating maybe too much salami. That's pushing
(03:56):
my stomach out a little more, because like I sat
down one time, I was like getting ready and I
had my underwear on, and I noticed my underwer had
a hole the size of fucking like it was humong gas.
I'm like, what jeans? There's holes in jeans. My pajamas
I've had when I was at the highest weight I
ever been at. And I'm not there yet, eating more
(04:18):
solamis and some hammies, some cheesies maybe be there soon.
But when I was at my highest weight, I had
these pajamas. They were fine. I sat down the other
day the cord at the cord, the string popped off.
Luckily you didn't take out anybody, you know, because it
was like shout across the fucking room. Holy molly, guacam molly.
(04:41):
I tell you, it's craziness. It's craziness, the shit that happens.
Oh my god. Clothes can't clothes are tight, clothes not
fitting weight gain. But I'm keeping my sugars in tach,
which is good. It's good. I'm not even eating fucking
candy anymore. For God's sake. I don't even eat candy.
I only eat so eat candy when my sugar's low.
(05:03):
It's a goddamn sodium. It's not one thing, it's the
sodium or something. And maybe well, I'm saying, you know,
make God made the summer is the lake because I'm
wearing these shorts I had, and they're just tight. They're tight.
They're tight last year but I was like, I'm fat,
they're tight. Two years ago. I'm like, I'm double fat.
Now I'm getting a little healthier, and they still are tight.
For God's sakes, even two years ago, they weren't that tight.
(05:25):
So I don't know the Fu's going on. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. It's just too much meats,
too much of I'm retaining water. It feels like, for
God's sake, it's great. You know, the diabetes thing. You
peeed thirty times a night, but now I don't even
pee that much one time. But I guess I'm wishing
that I do peed more often. I tell you, just problems, problems, problems, problems,
(05:47):
personal problems, but still problems. Mister Moose, he's doing well,
very excited to announce something next week. I know it's
a radio teas and it's a poor one at that
because at the end of the day, at the end
of the day, you're gonna see pictures and all those things.
But we have a new playmate for Moose, which I
(06:07):
will announce next week the podcast next week. All I'll
tell you it is, it's called We Found Nemo. You
are not gonna want to miss this one because if
you love cuteness, it's gonna be a cuteness overload for you.
Cuteness overload. But that's next week. This week, mister Moose
is a topic of conversation. Mister Moose, I'm beginning to
(06:30):
realize he doesn't like bugs. Nope, Nope, he doesn't. So
the other day there was a spider on the wall
and I hear from the bedroom Moose was calling and
it sounded like mom. So you know, you know when
the kids are crying when they're newborn. I'm like, I
(06:50):
swear to God, he's saying, I'm don't go in there.
She went to go see what was wrong and there
was a spider in the wall. So now I get
to protect everybody in the house with spider, including the
pets who do not like the spiders, and before I
go any further, because I don't want to forget because
it's just kind of it's it's it's a horrible transition.
But we did get a fish recently to Abita, fish
(07:10):
named Dunky, who's adorable. But it's not about Duncan next week.
But I thought I would maybe you know, throw that
in there, maybe be a future episode for Duncan. Here's tone.
But I thought, like, I really haven't announced Duncan. I've
got to renounced him too. And it's not saying Dunke.
It is you know, uh, you know, comparable to everything
else that you know, you get like whether it's another
(07:30):
catt like but you know, Duncan's chilling. He's doing good
anyway back to the back to the stuff here. So yeah,
you know, I don't think, uh, you know, he's a
fan of spiders. He's not a fan of bugs in general.
But now I have to get the bugs. There's an ant
crawling the other day. Didn't do anything. He's like, oh
fuck this, fuck this, and maybe he's doing this to
(07:51):
show me something because it's it's it's like a rackamophobia
in our fucking house, Like there are spot like I'm
talking about we got spiders. We got spiders. We got
at that beautiful and pourium downstairs, but there's spiders crawling
around down stairs. Fucking spider. That's a good impression. Probably
was better on the first take of this episode. But whatever,
we'll move on. But you know, like, oh, spiders, Like
(08:14):
I don't know they make noises like that, but that'd
be cool if they did. You hear them coming then
and then when they land on your arm, you know,
you're like, oh fuck, but the big ass they're Harry spiders.
Big ass Harry spiders. Jesus, it is like a racophobia
in this house. But I blamed him. I'm like, is
Moosie bringing the bugs in? Maybe maybe he's maybe he's like, fine,
you fat fuck, fat fuck and wearing shorts shorts too tight,
(08:40):
shorts too tight under it rips balls hang out, fat fuck.
That's what he's trying saying. Is you know, like I
kres it's stupid. Uh. Sometimes it's just stupid. Uh. But
you know, maybe maybe he's just getting back at me
where they right the bugs. I blamed him. I'm like,
(09:02):
he read the bugs in and then he's like, wine,
you handle an asshole. You can handle the bucks. You
handle the bucks. Yeah, but then again, I don't know.
Because he wants to be an outdoorcast so bad. We
let him outside. We have a leash, I know. It
was like you usually have a leash for a dog,
well cat too. We don't want him run off. But
I told you a couple of weeks ago you wanted
to be an alley cap. Now I think he wants
(09:22):
to be an alley cap. Even worse, he wants to
be an outdoor cat. And I was nothing to say
about outdoor cat. But that scares me. It puts my
anxiety into supermode. I can't let him go out into
the world where we have here in Illinois bears running
around and fucking there's coyotes. Is like a fucking zoo
out there. Now, look at eating alive. That's a that's
an animal eating them. I know that's a really gross impression,
but you know, I just did it for fuck it.
(09:44):
I mean, I'm in the impression mode now. I don't
think I did a lot of this impressional comedy in
the last podcast episode that we had to throw in
the shitter, So enjoy it. Why you can things have
to adapt? But no, no, he wants to so like.
But when we let him out there some as he
gets off the leash, like he slithers some way out.
(10:05):
But you don't want to be out there. You can
eat and you know, you're in this nice house. It's nice.
There's a lot of food, a lot of water, you
got a new playmate. It's a good, good area. But
he's been sitting at that window silly since the windows
so the sun shines in. The shine, the sun shines in,
and it's like, you know, all over his fur coat
he has and I don't know, most has been a
(10:26):
little stinky. Can't you get cats baths? I'm not even
sure you can. I thought it was a myth that
cats don't need baths because they have those magical tongue
that they lick themselves and they're clean. They're clean, all right,
They're clean like that, and they're clean. So that's why
I don't think he needs a bath. Is that wrong?
If somebody tell me do you give cats baths? Please
help me out. There's a lot of a lot of
back and forth conversation on the internet. Nobody gives me
(10:48):
a straight answer. But I'll tell you right now he's
a little funk to him. He smells like a construction
worker working on the expressway in ninety degree weather in
the summertime. You know, that's what he has. A little
you know, working their ass off getting the express away
in order, fixing the roads. They come home a little
bit of funk to him. That's what Moose has. A
little sun funk. I call it little sun funk. He's
(11:10):
been out in the sun and he's a little funky
sun funk. That's a new Bruno Mars song. I feel
like I just wrote a Bruno Mars song called sun Funk. Anyway, Yeah,
you know, we had a squirrel and sitting the other
day listening to music upstairs, having a beautiful day. The
windows were open, enjoying. I was losing some bets, that's fine.
I was still having a good time, trying to paint
the picture for you. All of a sudden, I heard
(11:31):
a scream outside and I was called. I walked outside.
There's a squirrel on the deck. My wife is standing
on the chair, and the kids in the neighborhood, and
my kids are running away. Apparently this baby squirrel said
not today, fuckers, not today, And he was like I'm
not moving off this deck. And we tried everything. I
tried scaring him, I tried to give him food, I
(11:51):
tried doing all that shit. He would not leave. And
then I realized, Oh, this poor little baby is lost
and he doesn't know where to go. And then I
thought to myself, well, I'm not really, really, really your
your dad. I know I have a hairy beard, but
there's no way I don't gotta tail. I don't gotta tail,
So I don't. I don't, I can't. I'm not your dad.
But he just wanted that love, Like, oh God, this
(12:12):
guy looks like he's he's nice, and he's lucky because
you know, there's other parts of the United States where
he might have got eaten. It might have been lunchtime
or dinner. So he's lucky that this is. We don't
eat squirrels around here. We don't, or anything that's you know,
possums or anything. We don't. We we we we stick
to the normal stuff. I'm not saying it's abnormal for
(12:34):
eat it, but I think I'm walking myself into a
rabbit hole here. I'm gonna walk right back out of it.
I don't know if that's a rabbit hole. Do they
eat rabbits too? Oh god, let's go backwards. Oh my god,
I know. But yeah, So then I walked off the
deck and he started following me. It's like, uh, like
(12:56):
the mother Teresa with the animals out there. I don't
know what it was. I was just fell like fucking.
Maybe it was Moses. Maybe that's the religious figure. I'm
thinking I've had to get baby. He's like, hey, you
have to get to a bit. Can I just look
at the forecast supposed to be rainy the next six
or seven eight million days here. Maybe I was supposed
to gather two squirrels. I fuck that up. But yeah,
you know, and it's just I don't know. It's we
(13:18):
look for Moose, moose to you know, moose to to
come help, to run in and save the day. But
Moose was taking a nap. It was a long day.
He was basking in the sun all day. Uh, you know,
he looked himself a few times. I don't know if
I should take this, but he when he's cleaning in
his bottom, he does look at me. So I don't
know what that means. Then it's probably something I'll take
(13:39):
up with my therapist at some point. But but uh, yeah,
he was taking a nap, you know, a long time.
You know, he has slept seventeen hours in the day,
so he thought I would have a good nap and
not help with the squirrel. Well, I love Moose, I
really do. Baby baby Boos thought, well, you had a
squirrel and sit it back in the day, and this
(14:00):
is where I had kids. I me and my wife
were living in an apartment building. I h you know,
got home and I looked up and there was a
squirrel on the roof and I said, oh, okay, they're
playing on the roof. And then that squirrel fell off
the roof. It was like bring like a fucking cartoon.
It's like Looney Tunes, but Looney Tunes. I thought he
was gonna pop up after the endvill fell on him.
(14:21):
I thought he was gonna pop up and run off.
No he did not. He just stayed there. I said,
oh shit, the squirrel is dead. But now I feel
like I witnessed potentially a murder, and maybe those other
squirrels saw that I witness it. So I'm thinking myself,
do I have to hide this little squirrel body? Now?
What do I have to do to you? Know put
him in, you know, dig and I don't know what
(14:41):
I have to do. I don't do. The squirrels are
looking at me from up above, and they're not even
looking at me like to help his friend. They're like, fucking,
I have the body for us, so it can squirrel
as a mafia squirrels or the other thing. I don't know.
The squirrels are crazy. They're crazy though. My wife, uh,
(15:02):
she has uh you know, she sent me a photo
of two squirrels doing it one time. You know, maybe
they're maybe maybe maybe I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe the squirrels. But my point is they don't have
any chill. They don't give a shyet. You know, they're like, hi,
the fucking body. But anyway, I poured water I need
to see if it was alive, and it did not
(15:24):
get up. So I was like, fuck it, I'm not
gonna I'm not gonna eide the body up to be
a hero. But I save them. Uh and then uh,
I went upstairs. I went upstairs and I looked out
and uh, as I was looking out, he popped back
up and he ran off. See he came back to
life because of me. Maybe I am part Moses here,
I don't know who knows, who knows I'm a miracle worker,
you know, reviving squirrels. That's great. I tell you, I
(15:51):
will tell you. I'll tell you. Yeah, you didn't get this,
and I don't think you got this much uh this
much uh passion in the first one of these, like
this first podcast I tape with this, I don't think
you got that much passion, that much energy. So you're lucky.
I'm taking this and doing it during my ADHD medication.
(16:13):
Feel this power, feel this podcast power. Uh yeah, Well,
I don't know, uh maybe Moose, you know, maybe the
maybe the clothes or the Moose thing. Maybe he's like
tearing them up a little bit. So when I, like,
you know, I sit down or something and thinks repped
that he's fucking with me, because I think he's a
little bit mad at me. I embarrassed me and him
the other day. I really did, and I feel bad
(16:35):
about it. But I love the sing to my guy Moose,
I really do. I like to sing. Anywhere you heard
me on this podcast sing. It's not great, but I
like to sing to him. And then I like to
dance like do do do do do? Like you know,
bah bah bah, mister Moose, mister Moose, I don't know.
I was dancing, and then I looked up and there
was my neighbor looking from the other window. Now, first off,
it's not my fault that they built these things in
(16:56):
nineteen seventy and they miilt them too close that you
could look in the windows. All right, I didn't know that.
But he was looking at me. I was looking at him,
and he was smiling. I think he was smiling because
of the cat, but then also I think he was
smiling because of my weird dances. It was like Bill
from Fucking you know, a silence of the lambs with
lo on your schoon like that? Was that some weird shit.
(17:21):
I don't know. I dance weird. It happens, all right,
I dance weird. But that was embarrassing. I embarrassed myself.
I embarrassed Moose. I embarrassed our reputation. I can't sit
on the deck anymore without him looking. I swear to God.
The other day, the person need a little shimmy like
I did, to kind of like rub it in without
saying that. I don't know. I'm going paranoid bad enough.
(17:42):
I got all this shit going on, and my algorithm
is fucked up again. I have AI babies. They're taking
these podcast people and they're taking these celebrities and they're
making AI babies out of them. If you haven't seen it,
do not look it up because it'll be on your algorithm.
It's kind of funny, but it's also kind of frightening.
It's funny and frightening at the same time. That's on
my algorithm right now. My algorithm got to deal with that.
(18:04):
Gotta retape podcast episodes. I don't have got time, but
I will tell you. I'm excited that the Oh MyD
Own Comedy Special, and we all know how it happened, right.
I was sitting in the hospital bed and it was
almost to die, and I'm like, I am not gonna
die until I Tampa Comedy Special. That's not true, but
they get before the hospital. The hospital actually motivated me
to do a little bit quicker because you never know,
(18:26):
and I'm like, fuck it, give me all the sugars
in the world, and I'm kidding, I'm not going to
do that. So what I'm getting wait, fuck it, I'll
be the caddy now. At least it's you know, instead
of slobbies s lobbies, I mean the candies. But no,
that's coming up here in July. So very excited about that.
Of course the radio show which is coming that'll be
very fun. Uh, My Mental Health Breakdown podcast season two,
(18:51):
you know, highlighting some of the struggles and some of
the things that I went through as a dad and
the husband, some of the mental challenges and some of
the stuff that I'm going through today and how to
overcome them, you know, and it's it's it's going to
be one of those things where very transparent. I like
to be transparent with everybody. I really think that transparency
(19:12):
equals to equals the reliability or that, you know, relatableness.
I should say, not reliability, relatableness because you know what
my goal at the end of the day with this
podcast or my Mental Health Breakdown is to really let
you guys know that you're not the only ones going
through whether it's some of this dad's stuff, whether some
of this husband stuff, whether it's some of this the
kids driving you crazy, whether it's your cat not talking
(19:35):
to you because you danced awkwardly and you know the
neighbor caught you both doing that. Those things, right, or
you know, like my mental health breakdown, really hearing you know,
true stories from somebody who has won it all, went
through it all, and how to overcome them. So yeah,
and then on top of the comedy special something I
always want to do, them Excited releasing in July, a
(19:55):
lot of funny jokes, you know. So I'm excited. I'm excited,
I really am. Thank you for listening to two hundred
and eighty eight Part B to eighty eight. Part A
will have a you know, one of those lost episodes
will air down the road. But till then, I hope
you have a great rest of your week and I
(20:16):
will see you back here. We'll be in June already,
maybe summer will officially hit then, I hope
Come on in, everybody, Come on in, Come on in,
and welcome to Episode two hundred and eighty eight B.
Two hundred eight eight B. Good gravy, good gravy. Turn
(00:43):
it off, turn it off, Welcome on into the daylight
of Frank. The reason why I say is two hundred
eighty eight B. This is the second time I am
recording this podcast, the second time because the audio the
first time I recorded, he is not good. It is bad.
(01:03):
It's not good. It's bad. I tried to be like,
all right, it just sounds a little buffal and I
listened back to it today and I said, oh shit,
I have to re record this baby. So maybe one
day it will come out in like a special format,
an archive, or I don't know, whatever the fuck you
want to call it. But you know, the good thing
(01:23):
is I love doing it, so I don't know how.
You know, maybe take two will be better. Most sequels
are not better. Uh, try by, try my fucking damn
nest to remember what I said yesterday. But how is
everybody doing? Everybody doing? Okay? Summer officially happened over the weekend, supposedly,
(01:46):
right Memorial Day weekend is usually that first start of
summer in Chicago. That weather did not give us any
indication that it was the first the first start the summertime,
because the weather wasn't wasn't good, right, it wasn't it
wasn't wasn't good. So it is uh yeah, but it
(02:08):
was okay. It wasn't the best weather in the world.
There was a little bit of you know, it was
cloudy out at some points. It was a little bit
of windy little chili, uh, you know, but there were
some parts if we're in the sun, I was good, right,
but it wasn't like the official like I'm talking about.
I wanted to be eighty five Memorial Day weekend. I'm
grilling all weekend and he just couldn't do it. He
(02:30):
couldn't do It was still a good weekend, but it
really didn't feel like the official start of summer. Really didn't.
It's like, it's like raining on the fourth of July, right, everyone,
you know, everyone, you know, we try to make like
a you know, an excuse. We're like, oh, rain is
not rain on the fourth of July. That's okay, Well
we'll stay in and you're like, damn it. That ruined
the fourth of July because it's true. So you know,
(02:50):
a little bit nice weather, come my mother nature. We've
been nice. We've been nice. We we deserve the nice weather.
We we do, we do. But I don't know. Maybe
I need a little delay in the summertime because I
am having a struggle struggling with clothes anymore. And I
don't know what it is. I've been, you know, eating right,
(03:11):
feeling better, keeping my sugars in order, but I've been
eating a lot of meat and cheese. You know, I
want to keep those carb free. But I noticed when
you eat a lot of meat and cheese, and maybe
I'm not doing the carnivore diet correctly. And I'm drinking
a lot of diet coke, which maybe that's not part
of the carnivor diet, who knows. But there's a lot
of salt and all that shit. So it's retaining weight,
(03:33):
even gaining a little bit of weight. And I know
I have to get back on the old walking adventure
and the walking trail and the walking path, but lately
clothes are ripping, and I would like to say I
gained muscle, but it's actually the extra SLAMI that is
not a dirty joke. So get your minds out of
the gutter. Literally eating maybe too much salami. That's pushing
(03:56):
my stomach out a little more, because like I sat
down one time, I was like getting ready and I
had my underwear on, and I noticed my underwer had
a hole the size of fucking like it was humong gas.
I'm like, what jeans? There's holes in jeans. My pajamas
I've had when I was at the highest weight I
ever been at. And I'm not there yet, eating more
(04:18):
solamis and some hammies, some cheesies maybe be there soon.
But when I was at my highest weight, I had
these pajamas. They were fine. I sat down the other
day the cord at the cord, the string popped off.
Luckily you didn't take out anybody, you know, because it
was like shout across the fucking room. Holy molly, guacam molly.
(04:41):
I tell you, it's craziness. It's craziness, the shit that happens.
Oh my god. Clothes can't clothes are tight, clothes not
fitting weight gain. But I'm keeping my sugars in tach,
which is good. It's good. I'm not even eating fucking
candy anymore. For God's sake. I don't even eat candy.
I only eat so eat candy when my sugar's low.
(05:03):
It's a goddamn sodium. It's not one thing, it's the
sodium or something. And maybe well, I'm saying, you know,
make God made the summer is the lake because I'm
wearing these shorts I had, and they're just tight. They're tight.
They're tight last year but I was like, I'm fat,
they're tight. Two years ago. I'm like, I'm double fat.
Now I'm getting a little healthier, and they still are tight.
For God's sakes, even two years ago, they weren't that tight.
(05:25):
So I don't know the Fu's going on. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. It's just too much meats,
too much of I'm retaining water. It feels like, for
God's sake, it's great. You know, the diabetes thing. You
peeed thirty times a night, but now I don't even
pee that much one time. But I guess I'm wishing
that I do peed more often. I tell you, just problems, problems, problems, problems,
(05:47):
personal problems, but still problems. Mister Moose, he's doing well,
very excited to announce something next week. I know it's
a radio teas and it's a poor one at that
because at the end of the day, at the end
of the day, you're gonna see pictures and all those things.
But we have a new playmate for Moose, which I
(06:07):
will announce next week the podcast next week. All I'll
tell you it is, it's called We Found Nemo. You
are not gonna want to miss this one because if
you love cuteness, it's gonna be a cuteness overload for you.
Cuteness overload. But that's next week. This week, mister Moose
is a topic of conversation. Mister Moose, I'm beginning to
(06:30):
realize he doesn't like bugs. Nope, Nope, he doesn't. So
the other day there was a spider on the wall
and I hear from the bedroom Moose was calling and
it sounded like mom. So you know, you know when
the kids are crying when they're newborn. I'm like, I
(06:50):
swear to God, he's saying, I'm don't go in there.
She went to go see what was wrong and there
was a spider in the wall. So now I get
to protect everybody in the house with spider, including the
pets who do not like the spiders, and before I
go any further, because I don't want to forget because
it's just kind of it's it's it's a horrible transition.
But we did get a fish recently to Abita, fish
(07:10):
named Dunky, who's adorable. But it's not about Duncan next week.
But I thought I would maybe you know, throw that
in there, maybe be a future episode for Duncan. Here's tone.
But I thought, like, I really haven't announced Duncan. I've
got to renounced him too. And it's not saying Dunke.
It is you know, uh, you know, comparable to everything
else that you know, you get like whether it's another
(07:30):
catt like but you know, Duncan's chilling. He's doing good
anyway back to the back to the stuff here. So yeah,
you know, I don't think, uh, you know, he's a
fan of spiders. He's not a fan of bugs in general.
But now I have to get the bugs. There's an ant
crawling the other day. Didn't do anything. He's like, oh
fuck this, fuck this, and maybe he's doing this to
(07:51):
show me something because it's it's it's like a rackamophobia
in our fucking house, Like there are spot like I'm
talking about we got spiders. We got spiders. We got
at that beautiful and pourium downstairs, but there's spiders crawling
around down stairs. Fucking spider. That's a good impression. Probably
was better on the first take of this episode. But whatever,
we'll move on. But you know, like, oh, spiders, Like
(08:14):
I don't know they make noises like that, but that'd
be cool if they did. You hear them coming then
and then when they land on your arm, you know,
you're like, oh fuck, but the big ass they're Harry spiders.
Big ass Harry spiders. Jesus, it is like a racophobia
in this house. But I blamed him. I'm like, is
Moosie bringing the bugs in? Maybe maybe he's maybe he's like, fine,
you fat fuck, fat fuck and wearing shorts shorts too tight,
(08:40):
shorts too tight under it rips balls hang out, fat fuck.
That's what he's trying saying. Is you know, like I
kres it's stupid. Uh. Sometimes it's just stupid. Uh. But
you know, maybe maybe he's just getting back at me
where they right the bugs. I blamed him. I'm like,
(09:02):
he read the bugs in and then he's like, wine,
you handle an asshole. You can handle the bucks. You
handle the bucks. Yeah, but then again, I don't know.
Because he wants to be an outdoorcast so bad. We
let him outside. We have a leash, I know. It
was like you usually have a leash for a dog,
well cat too. We don't want him run off. But
I told you a couple of weeks ago you wanted
to be an alley cap. Now I think he wants
(09:22):
to be an alley cap. Even worse, he wants to
be an outdoor cat. And I was nothing to say
about outdoor cat. But that scares me. It puts my
anxiety into supermode. I can't let him go out into
the world where we have here in Illinois bears running
around and fucking there's coyotes. Is like a fucking zoo
out there. Now, look at eating alive. That's a that's
an animal eating them. I know that's a really gross impression,
but you know, I just did it for fuck it.
(09:44):
I mean, I'm in the impression mode now. I don't
think I did a lot of this impressional comedy in
the last podcast episode that we had to throw in
the shitter, So enjoy it. Why you can things have
to adapt? But no, no, he wants to so like.
But when we let him out there some as he
gets off the leash, like he slithers some way out.
(10:05):
But you don't want to be out there. You can
eat and you know, you're in this nice house. It's nice.
There's a lot of food, a lot of water, you
got a new playmate. It's a good, good area. But
he's been sitting at that window silly since the windows
so the sun shines in. The shine, the sun shines in,
and it's like, you know, all over his fur coat
he has and I don't know, most has been a
(10:26):
little stinky. Can't you get cats baths? I'm not even
sure you can. I thought it was a myth that
cats don't need baths because they have those magical tongue
that they lick themselves and they're clean. They're clean, all right,
They're clean like that, and they're clean. So that's why
I don't think he needs a bath. Is that wrong?
If somebody tell me do you give cats baths? Please
help me out. There's a lot of a lot of
back and forth conversation on the internet. Nobody gives me
(10:48):
a straight answer. But I'll tell you right now he's
a little funk to him. He smells like a construction
worker working on the expressway in ninety degree weather in
the summertime. You know, that's what he has. A little
you know, working their ass off getting the express away
in order, fixing the roads. They come home a little
bit of funk to him. That's what Moose has. A
little sun funk. I call it little sun funk. He's
(11:10):
been out in the sun and he's a little funky
sun funk. That's a new Bruno Mars song. I feel
like I just wrote a Bruno Mars song called sun Funk. Anyway, Yeah,
you know, we had a squirrel and sitting the other
day listening to music upstairs, having a beautiful day. The
windows were open, enjoying. I was losing some bets, that's fine.
I was still having a good time, trying to paint
the picture for you. All of a sudden, I heard
(11:31):
a scream outside and I was called. I walked outside.
There's a squirrel on the deck. My wife is standing
on the chair, and the kids in the neighborhood, and
my kids are running away. Apparently this baby squirrel said
not today, fuckers, not today, And he was like I'm
not moving off this deck. And we tried everything. I
tried scaring him, I tried to give him food, I
(11:51):
tried doing all that shit. He would not leave. And
then I realized, Oh, this poor little baby is lost
and he doesn't know where to go. And then I
thought to myself, well, I'm not really, really, really your
your dad. I know I have a hairy beard, but
there's no way I don't gotta tail. I don't gotta tail,
So I don't. I don't, I can't. I'm not your dad.
But he just wanted that love, Like, oh God, this
(12:12):
guy looks like he's he's nice, and he's lucky because
you know, there's other parts of the United States where
he might have got eaten. It might have been lunchtime
or dinner. So he's lucky that this is. We don't
eat squirrels around here. We don't, or anything that's you know,
possums or anything. We don't. We we we we stick
to the normal stuff. I'm not saying it's abnormal for
(12:34):
eat it, but I think I'm walking myself into a
rabbit hole here. I'm gonna walk right back out of it.
I don't know if that's a rabbit hole. Do they
eat rabbits too? Oh god, let's go backwards. Oh my god,
I know. But yeah, So then I walked off the
deck and he started following me. It's like, uh, like
(12:56):
the mother Teresa with the animals out there. I don't
know what it was. I was just fell like fucking.
Maybe it was Moses. Maybe that's the religious figure. I'm
thinking I've had to get baby. He's like, hey, you
have to get to a bit. Can I just look
at the forecast supposed to be rainy the next six
or seven eight million days here. Maybe I was supposed
to gather two squirrels. I fuck that up. But yeah,
you know, and it's just I don't know. It's we
(13:18):
look for Moose, moose to you know, moose to to
come help, to run in and save the day. But
Moose was taking a nap. It was a long day.
He was basking in the sun all day. Uh, you know,
he looked himself a few times. I don't know if
I should take this, but he when he's cleaning in
his bottom, he does look at me. So I don't
know what that means. Then it's probably something I'll take
(13:39):
up with my therapist at some point. But but uh, yeah,
he was taking a nap, you know, a long time.
You know, he has slept seventeen hours in the day,
so he thought I would have a good nap and
not help with the squirrel. Well, I love Moose, I
really do. Baby baby Boos thought, well, you had a
squirrel and sit it back in the day, and this
(14:00):
is where I had kids. I me and my wife
were living in an apartment building. I h you know,
got home and I looked up and there was a
squirrel on the roof and I said, oh, okay, they're
playing on the roof. And then that squirrel fell off
the roof. It was like bring like a fucking cartoon.
It's like Looney Tunes, but Looney Tunes. I thought he
was gonna pop up after the endvill fell on him.
(14:21):
I thought he was gonna pop up and run off.
No he did not. He just stayed there. I said,
oh shit, the squirrel is dead. But now I feel
like I witnessed potentially a murder, and maybe those other
squirrels saw that I witness it. So I'm thinking myself,
do I have to hide this little squirrel body? Now?
What do I have to do to you? Know put
him in, you know, dig and I don't know what
(14:41):
I have to do. I don't do. The squirrels are
looking at me from up above, and they're not even
looking at me like to help his friend. They're like, fucking,
I have the body for us, so it can squirrel
as a mafia squirrels or the other thing. I don't know.
The squirrels are crazy. They're crazy though. My wife, uh,
(15:02):
she has uh you know, she sent me a photo
of two squirrels doing it one time. You know, maybe
they're maybe maybe maybe I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe the squirrels. But my point is they don't have
any chill. They don't give a shyet. You know, they're like, hi,
the fucking body. But anyway, I poured water I need
to see if it was alive, and it did not
(15:24):
get up. So I was like, fuck it, I'm not
gonna I'm not gonna eide the body up to be
a hero. But I save them. Uh and then uh,
I went upstairs. I went upstairs and I looked out
and uh, as I was looking out, he popped back
up and he ran off. See he came back to
life because of me. Maybe I am part Moses here,
I don't know who knows, who knows I'm a miracle worker,
you know, reviving squirrels. That's great. I tell you, I
(15:51):
will tell you. I'll tell you. Yeah, you didn't get this,
and I don't think you got this much uh this
much uh passion in the first one of these, like
this first podcast I tape with this, I don't think
you got that much passion, that much energy. So you're lucky.
I'm taking this and doing it during my ADHD medication.
(16:13):
Feel this power, feel this podcast power. Uh yeah, Well,
I don't know, uh maybe Moose, you know, maybe the
maybe the clothes or the Moose thing. Maybe he's like
tearing them up a little bit. So when I, like,
you know, I sit down or something and thinks repped
that he's fucking with me, because I think he's a
little bit mad at me. I embarrassed me and him
the other day. I really did, and I feel bad
(16:35):
about it. But I love the sing to my guy Moose,
I really do. I like to sing. Anywhere you heard
me on this podcast sing. It's not great, but I
like to sing to him. And then I like to
dance like do do do do do? Like you know,
bah bah bah, mister Moose, mister Moose, I don't know.
I was dancing, and then I looked up and there
was my neighbor looking from the other window. Now, first off,
it's not my fault that they built these things in
(16:56):
nineteen seventy and they miilt them too close that you
could look in the windows. All right, I didn't know that.
But he was looking at me. I was looking at him,
and he was smiling. I think he was smiling because
of the cat, but then also I think he was
smiling because of my weird dances. It was like Bill
from Fucking you know, a silence of the lambs with
lo on your schoon like that? Was that some weird shit.
(17:21):
I don't know. I dance weird. It happens, all right,
I dance weird. But that was embarrassing. I embarrassed myself.
I embarrassed Moose. I embarrassed our reputation. I can't sit
on the deck anymore without him looking. I swear to God.
The other day, the person need a little shimmy like
I did, to kind of like rub it in without
saying that. I don't know. I'm going paranoid bad enough.
(17:42):
I got all this shit going on, and my algorithm
is fucked up again. I have AI babies. They're taking
these podcast people and they're taking these celebrities and they're
making AI babies out of them. If you haven't seen it,
do not look it up because it'll be on your algorithm.
It's kind of funny, but it's also kind of frightening.
It's funny and frightening at the same time. That's on
my algorithm right now. My algorithm got to deal with that.
(18:04):
Gotta retape podcast episodes. I don't have got time, but
I will tell you. I'm excited that the Oh MyD
Own Comedy Special, and we all know how it happened, right.
I was sitting in the hospital bed and it was
almost to die, and I'm like, I am not gonna
die until I Tampa Comedy Special. That's not true, but
they get before the hospital. The hospital actually motivated me
to do a little bit quicker because you never know,
(18:26):
and I'm like, fuck it, give me all the sugars
in the world, and I'm kidding, I'm not going to
do that. So what I'm getting wait, fuck it, I'll
be the caddy now. At least it's you know, instead
of slobbies s lobbies, I mean the candies. But no,
that's coming up here in July. So very excited about that.
Of course the radio show which is coming that'll be
very fun. Uh, My Mental Health Breakdown podcast season two,
(18:51):
you know, highlighting some of the struggles and some of
the things that I went through as a dad and
the husband, some of the mental challenges and some of
the stuff that I'm going through today and how to
overcome them, you know, and it's it's it's going to
be one of those things where very transparent. I like
to be transparent with everybody. I really think that transparency
(19:12):
equals to equals the reliability or that, you know, relatableness.
I should say, not reliability, relatableness because you know what
my goal at the end of the day with this
podcast or my Mental Health Breakdown is to really let
you guys know that you're not the only ones going
through whether it's some of this dad's stuff, whether some
of this husband stuff, whether it's some of this the
kids driving you crazy, whether it's your cat not talking
(19:35):
to you because you danced awkwardly and you know the
neighbor caught you both doing that. Those things, right, or
you know, like my mental health breakdown, really hearing you know,
true stories from somebody who has won it all, went
through it all, and how to overcome them. So yeah,
and then on top of the comedy special something I
always want to do, them Excited releasing in July, a
(19:55):
lot of funny jokes, you know. So I'm excited. I'm excited,
I really am. Thank you for listening to two hundred
and eighty eight Part B to eighty eight. Part A
will have a you know, one of those lost episodes
will air down the road. But till then, I hope
you have a great rest of your week and I
(20:16):
will see you back here. We'll be in June already,
maybe summer will officially hit then, I hope
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