FTFP 16 - Do You Have To Earn Happiness?

Fixing The Fixerpunk episodes cover ideas about changing yourself and society from my own self-development process. This one is just some thoughts that came about from me not feeling like I’ve “earned the right” to have fun on my birthday, coping with feeling behind in life, making people in your life unhappy because you’re not being productive or successful enough, ADHD medication side effects, and difficulties balancing being happy and being productive, which turns out to be just another way the mental programming of capitalism gets in our way. Also I share some updates on my fitness progress, explain some of the origins of my fitness journey, why starting heavy resistance training early on is so important, and discuss my biggest lifelong challenge in getting my body beach ready: the “muffin top” that pops over my boardshorts.

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Episode Transcript

(00:01):
This is the Fixer Punk podcast.The podcast says, reallocated part of the
budget we set aside for a tripto Las Vegas to the lotto tickets for
this week's huge Powerball and Mega Millionsjackpots. I'm Grayson Peltier, So this
is supposed to be a Fixing theFixer Punk episode, which is where I

(00:22):
try to take lessons from my ownpersonal journey to improve myself and apply them
to personal and social change for theaudience. But I think this week is
going to become a bit more ofan unstructured rant because I guess one of
the gifts that I am giving myselffor my birthday this week is not having
to do any significant show prep,and I am behind on quite a few

(00:47):
things this week, So I kindof feel like I'm giving myself a break
for my birthday, but I don'treally deserve it. But maybe I could
win it. If I win oneof these Lotto jacko then it'll feel like
it's more deserved. I did getfifty bucks out of a scratcher, but

(01:08):
that's not really much of anything.That's not even going to cover the dinner
for my birthday. But we shallsee. There is one more Jackpot coming
here and I did just buy aticket, so let's see what happens there.
But lottery stuff aside, obviously,Like when my birthday comes around,

(01:34):
knowing that I'm turning twenty seven yearsold, I posted on TikTok that things
feel a little bit weird for mebecause it's like there are always so many
more things that you can do,Especially for someone like myself, it feels
like they're quite a bit behind inlife. It feels like there's so many
more things you can do. SoI'm like, I'm not being as productive

(01:57):
as I can be at any giventime at all, and it makes it
hard for me to enjoy my birthday. And what I've kind of come across
is that there is always this sortof choice, that there's this choice that
you have to make between happiness andproductivity, or at least it feels that

(02:20):
way. And I noticed that Itry to force myself to be productive and
to even get the little bit thatI can force out of myself. Sometimes
that extra, very very small amounttakes a massive toll on my happiness like
other people around me. And thisis especially true with ADHD medication because I

(02:43):
have ADHD. I am on medicationfor it, and one of the biggest
pieces of feedback that I get,and this is something that I've kind of
had to adapt to as well,is that whenever I have like significant speaking
engagements or I have to do likelike a social event or something that we're
gonna be around a lot of people, I usually have to skip my ADHD
medication because I come off very veryunhappy. When I'm on it. It

(03:08):
makes me productive, it makes memotivated most of the time. Sometimes it
just makes me miserable. And thisweek I did have to up my dosage
because I felt like it had almostbecome just like a placebo and it wasn't
controlling things the way I wanted to, so I had to up the dosage.
Doctor instructed me to do so,and it was making me feel just

(03:31):
straight up miserable and a wreck,and people around me were just noticing that
I seemed kind of off, which, when you combine sort of the emotional
stress of going into my birthday knowingthat I haven't come as far in life
as I have wanted to, Iwould have wanted this show to have gone
a lot further. I'm still notdoing any live broadcasts, which is something

(03:54):
that I definitely need to work on, and I just haven't done it yet.
But then today what happened was isI decided I'm actually have I got
taken out to breakfast for my birthdayahead of my birthday, and that was

(04:14):
m and I just decided, I'mnot going to take my ADHD medication.
I'm probably gonna want a few goodcups of coffee, so I'm just not
gonna take my medication. And thenI'm noticing that I'm a lot happier.
But I've done almost nothing. Ihave. I have a wash to do,
I have continuing education stuff that Ihave to do for my real estate
license. None of that stuff hasgotten worked on today. I have over

(04:38):
the past couple of weeks, I'vemade a lot of progress actually on like
my real estate, continuing education,and studying for my driver's test, which
I have to go take that ina few weeks. I've made a lot
of progress in those areas. Partof me, when I was making good
progress, just felt like it justwasn't enough. It's too little, too
late. And that is a verybig struggle for me, is then looking

(05:02):
at the minimal progress I'm making andseeing that it's too little, too late,
But at least I was making someprogress. This week, things just
kind of ground down to a haltwhere there's nothing. Really I haven't even
touched the courses that I have totake or the study materials at all,
and I've just really just because I'vebeen stuck in this thing and it feels

(05:25):
like it's very futile. And that'sthe thing is that when you're doing any
sort of personal development in adverse circumstancesor straight up just less than ideal circumstances,
the biggest and worst part of itis that because you know, and
I was talking to my therapist earlieron, my therapist was telling me,

(05:45):
don't predict the future. Don't predictthe future, don't think about what the
future is going to be like,don't think that it's going to be bad.
But when you know that you needa lot of help, when you
know that you need like I likeI probably need a more ADHD coach,
I probably need more accountability systems inplace, help with learning skills and all

(06:08):
of that stuff, that's going tobe pretty darn expensive because like getting like
legit ADHD and autism help. Mytherapist doesn't really understand these things. Really
all he does is just kind ofblankly stares at my problems and says things
without saying them. Very indirect,odd form of communication in my opinion.

(06:32):
But when you were looking at thatand you're seeing, well, this doesn't
seem like it's going to go anywhere, then that is one of the big
difficulties in continuing, and especially whenyou see that you've gone so far in
life versus like your peers. Andthen I had to be sort of reminded
that there's a lot of stuff thatI've had to overcome that my peers didn't.

(06:56):
So when I was younger, Iwas in a pretty not like terribly
expensive private school, but it wasa private school nonetheless for part of my
middle school years. And then Ikind of that was probably when I made
it like the best group of friendsI kind of had. And then you
see these people they're they're doing sowell in life there, they're very successful

(07:18):
people in the corporate space and thingslike that. And obviously I chose a
very different path for my life becauseI wanted to be in politics and advocacy
and media, and that's a verydifferent kind of existence from going in and
getting a finance degree and becoming abank executive or something like that. It's

(07:43):
not as linear of a career pathat all. But then you sometimes kind
of sit back in here, likethese people are so successful and I haven't
achieved very much, and I'm rememberthere's a lot of stuff that I had
to go through, not just theADHD and the autism, but things were
very up and down financially for manymany years. And if obviously, like

(08:05):
if you're a kid, and Idon't want to paint broad brushes here,
but kind of making assumptions, ifyour parents put you through private school,
you probably have really good financial backing, You probably have connections and all of
that. And my family is verygood, has been very good to me,
but I've not been in like theextremely wealthy category, and things have

(08:28):
always things have been kind of sortof up and down for a while,
not like consistently perfect. So comparisonobviously is a big impediment to my happiness.
But then, of course, likeproductivity itself, for me, it
seems to be driven primarily by likeanxiety. But the problem with anxiety is

(08:52):
that anxiety is also one of myproblems. And sometimes you'll see me,
people will think, oh, yeah, he's really anxious, but it's really
just because I'm deliberately trying to makemyself hyped up in order to have the
energy or the motivation to do things. And that also that it's very helpful.
It's very helpful in the moment.And I do also feel like the

(09:15):
ADHD medication also does sort of basicallycause me anxiety in order to motivate me
and to fix the ADHD. Sobasically what does it. It sort of
layers anxiety on top of the ADHDto fix it. It doesn't like directly
fix the underlying deficit. It fixesthe it adds something on top of it
to basically to mask it. Andthat can be problematic and it's hard to

(09:39):
like switch modes. Like I wastrying to explain why when I have a
social event or something glat in themiddle of the day or the end of
the day, I can't take mymedication. It's because it's not like it's
an instantaneous switch. I can't justlike press a button and turn off the
ADHD medication and the product and doingwork mode and turn on the social good

(10:07):
public speaking mode. It doesn't workthat way. So it's like productivity or
happiness choose one, and that issomething that has just kind of plagued me
because sometimes I'm like, like Iwas thinking, going into this weekend,
I'm like, I don't have muchto celebrate it. It doesn't feel like
I have much to celebrate. Obviously, this podcast hasn't grown the way I

(10:30):
wanted it to yet, and thereare things, there are plans. Another
thing that that's really kind of perturbedme a little bit is my fitness,
because the thing is is that,like I've even gotten I mentioned on a
prior episode, I've gotten compliments ofpeople saying that I look a lot bigger,

(10:50):
a lot stronger, but when itcomes to but when it comes to
having my shirt off, that's withmy shirt on. But when it comes
to having my shirt off. I'veprobably talked a little bit about this.
I've one of the things I wasplanning on doing, and that Vegas trip
thing was kind of an idea Ihad at one point. Obviously, it's

(11:13):
super hot out there, so maybeit's a good thing that I didn't take
the trip with all these record breakingheat waves across the country. Even here
in southern California, it's pretty hot. But also I was thinking about going
to the beach and stuff like that, and that has been a plague on
my life for years and years andyears, at least a good ten something

(11:37):
years. Is living in an areawhere I'm relatively close to the beach and
all of that, but never trulyfeeling confident enough to actually take my shirt
off and do stuff like that.I used to, I had some lessons
in surfing, I did some bodyboarding. I have a lot of interest in
doing those kinds of things, andI just ever, really, I've never

(12:01):
really been able to feel confident doingit because of the fact that I've been
kind of out of shape. Andthis is in spite of the fact that
I work out really hard, likean hour and a half five days a
week usually, and I've made quitea good deal of progress. I've obviously
people are seeing a lot more developmentin my physique. So it's not just

(12:22):
me saying this, But then thereis like one there's a very specific and
this is probably this is probably somethinga lot of guys can relate to is
and this has been a problem.And finally I thought that like in like
last year, after I first startedlike serious bodybuilding type weightlifting, one of
the things that I was really targetingwith my program, and I had kind

(12:48):
of given up on it at onepoint. At one point I had kind
of thought, you know what,I'm going to go for the bigger,
bulkier pro wrestler type look, likethat big, really big and strong look
where it doesn't really matter how leanyou are, you still you're even big
enough. You're bulked up enough thateven your abs can show through a bunch

(13:09):
of fat. That type of look. And that's why I went to like
a heavy upper body like body buildingprogram. But then what was happening was
is that I was also increasing theamount of protein in my diet, and
my diet was naturally getting better byjust increasing the amount of protein to try

(13:30):
to facilitate muscle building, and Iwasn't really and I wasn't eating them that
much of a I wasn't eating thissurplus I was at. I was at
maintenance or maybe a little bit belowit. And in the course of about
three to six months, the fatstarted to trim off. And really the

(13:52):
thing that I had been like eversince I was like a teenager and I
was wanting to go out body boarding, I had I had always tart really
had a problem with my lower abs. I'd always had a problem with,
like with just that muffin top area. Like I've been like even scared to

(14:18):
go out and get new pants,new geens and stuff like that because I
know that I'm going to keep goingup aside from what I think I should
be at because of how the restof my body looks like. It's like
it's like the upper half of abody is good, it looks like it's
in shape, but just that onearea around the back and the lower abs

(14:41):
just looks like I'm really fattened outof shape. So that that's been a
that's been a big challenge for me. And I remember, but the thing
is, I can't find this photo. Maybe it's a good thing that I
didn't find this photo, but Iremember seeing a photo of myself out there
bodyboarding in the water, and thenit someone took a picture of my back

(15:07):
and I thought I was in shape. This was when I and this is
one of the stupidest mistakes that Imade in terms of my fitness and my
training progress, was deciding to stickto like at home hit workouts with lightweights,
doing like the insanity workout thing insteadof getting into a gym and actually

(15:31):
lifting weights. That was one ofmy biggest mistakes. So especially in your
younger days, you really want toget that heavy weight training in when you
can actually build muscle well. Ifeel like, again, like developmentally,
not just in sometimes in the inin like the personal achievement stuff, but
definitely in fitness. It feels likeI'm ten years behind, Like I'm just

(15:52):
getting to the phase in my liftingthat I would have been at ten years
ago had I started sooner. BecauseI started out when I was really young,
I was definitely kind of a fatkid, but because I wanted to
play baseball, I really got myselfin shape. The first thing that really

(16:17):
motivated me to get in super goodshape was to play baseball. Didn't get
good at baseball, got better attrack and field, and that was what
I was doing well for a goodnumber of my middle school years. And
then I decided to test out earlyof high school, so I didn't really
have a high school athletic career.I just went straight into community college,
and the sports thing really wasn't aThe organized sports thing wasn't a thing,

(16:40):
but fitness was still a big thingfor me. But I was very focused
on just the at home in sanitytype workouts and tons of cardio because obviously
when you're doing track, you're doinga lot of cardio, but not having
that base of muscle was a bigmistake for me. So what I continue
to have problems with for years andyears and years and years was the was

(17:04):
the was the lower back was basicallyespecially when I was wearing wearing a board
shorts, not necessarily although kind ofalso the ones that are just like drawstring
and more like loose, I guess, but the ones that are like like
the nice flat like like Billabong,really those surf brands, like the true
classic board shorts, there would alwaysbe right where, right where the waistline

(17:30):
was some fat hanging over it,hanging over the love handle area. And
for years I kept trying to withmore and more cardio, tried to burn
that off, and then after aboutthree four months there were there was a
period of time where I wasn't reallytracking calories. But last year I tracked
calories for like a good month anda half and then it just went straight

(17:53):
in. It just it was justlike it flattened out and it went in.
And thankfully now like even now,when I put on I put on
a pair of board shorts. It'snot really that bad, but it's kind
of coming back, And for awhile I just kind of took it for

(18:15):
granted. But what's happened now tome is that it just feels like it's
come back with a vengeance. LikeI've an increasing cardio trying to get my
diet under control. I can't seemto get under control. I can't seem
to track calories for more than likea week without going crazy and being upset
at myself. So it's been reallyrough in terms of the fitness stuff.

(18:38):
And I was thinking for my birthday, I've had this kind of this whole
dream of like either doing like abeach trip or doing a trip out to
somewhere with like really nice pools,like one of those like big party type
pool areas, like like you'd seeit like a Vegas resort. And obviously,

(19:00):
if I'm going to be in thattempe of setting, either a beach
setting or one of these pool resorttype places, i want my body to
be tight and in shape. Andthat's just not where I'm at just yet.
Obviously, I'm pretty happy with theupper body development all of that,
but I'm just not getting into themindset of being able to continue to cut

(19:23):
down and get that, get thattaken care of, get that lower ib
area back into shape. And Ikind of felt like maybe I was taking
things for granted, and I've kindof plateaued in terms of my training and
my fat loss and all of that. And then also it's sort of the
mindset of like I will do aworkout and then I'll feel like I can

(19:45):
eat more to try to or eatmore protein to try and keep the muscle
on. And then because I'm nottracking things, than intuitively, I'm just
messing up and I can't seem toget myself into that mindset. And I
know that, and this is whathappens is that when I try to deal
with that, and one of thethings that the add medication is supposed to

(20:07):
help me with is reducing my bingeeating issues. But then the problem is
is that it reduces my binge eatingduring the day, but at night I
go crazy and just eat a tonof food. I'm good all day,
at night I fall apart, andit just so happens that at night I
kind of eat mindlessly and I'm notable to really track things. So then
the tracking falls apart, so thenthat becomes a problem. And if I

(20:33):
try to restrict myself, I knowthat restricting myself is going to make me
not happy. So it's like,okay, productivity and achievement versus happiness,
and I'm making everybody around me miserablebecause I'm like I'm like, I'm like
talking about making plants for my birthdayand like, oh yeah, maybe we
should go down to the beach,And then that's like giving me a panic
attack because I'm like, I don'twant another situation where I am out of

(21:00):
the beach and I have another embarrassingmuffin top board shorts photo. But then
I'm also then thinking about oh yeah, oh yeah, let's go out to
eat. Let's do this. I'mlike, okay, I can only maybe
do one night of eating out,which I set for my birthday. So

(21:21):
if I'm gonna have like another timeof eating out, that's going to scare
me. And this shouldn't scare me. There are ways to flexibly diet and
properly train and all of that tokeep your calories within limit. But when
I'm in this sort of like panickedstate about underachievement and all of those things,
I'm not thinking of that, sothat becomes an issue. Okay,

(21:41):
I can't enjoy myself actively. Ican't enjoy myself eating, and please don't
buy me clothes because then that's goingto become its own challenge. I'm like,
okay, this doesn't fit on meright, like literally, I'll have
like a new pair of pants,and even if I look fine in it,

(22:02):
like I'll literally because I'm like feelingand this is the thing is that
this wasn't how it was before,or it wasn't what was before most of
the time. But now it feelslike in the past like two or three
months or so, like instantaneously,like like the day after I eat a
lot, or if I'm not likesuper strict doing like extra cardia or whatever,

(22:23):
I will like feel right at mywaistline, like like the tightness around
there, like like the lower abbarea is just growing and getting fatter and
it's becoming it's just coming with it'scoming with a vengeance to what it feels
like. Like I haven't like subjectivelylike felt it this bad in pictures because

(22:47):
I do keep track of progress.Pictures doesn't look that bad, I don't
think, but I'm not really anobjective observer of myself. But it's just
been terrible trying to keep that undercontrol. And I'm kind of afraid it
because I'm turning twenty seven, andI keep hearing that as you approach thirty,
your testosterone is gonna plummet and you'regonna have problems with things in your

(23:07):
health and your fitness, and it'sgoing to be harder to lose fat and
build muscle. I'm like, okay, am I reaching that cliff right now?
And a lot of this stuff AndI don't know if this is like
a thing, but like after Ihad that bout of COVID, it kind
of seemed like metabolically I was alittle bit more messed up. Like this

(23:29):
issue of like the fat really juststoring very very quickly, like how fast
I'm gaining fat just got really badafter that. So it's like it's it's
hard because because here I am puttingin more effort than I think that I
probably ever have, and and it'snot going working well. But I also

(23:51):
know that I'm probably doing things wrong. And then my mind just won't let
me go any further, and Idon't want to make everyone else around me
miserable because I'm miserable because I can'tseem to achieve my goals. And there's
also maybe I should just kind oflet go of things. I mentioned on
the last Fitness episode, the AdamPage quote of your I'm paraphrasing now of

(24:15):
remember you're always good enough for fullgear, and when he talks about full
gear, he's talking about like wrestlingring gear, And sometimes I just want
to remind myself of that, andI'm like, Okay, maybe I should
just kind of let things go.Of course, I'm not taking a trip
out, I'm not doing I'm notdoing the I'm not going to do the

(24:37):
whole day club thing anytime soon.I'm lostly not much of a partier.
I'm just gonna do I was justit was just kind of a thought I
had of like something that maybe Iwant to do at some point in the
future. But maybe I do wantto go to the beach a few times
this summer. Maybe I should justlet things go. And maybe in terms
of like judging myself for my ownfinancial performance and my own career performance and

(25:03):
my ability to perform in the waythat I've wanted to and my own achievement,
maybe I'll just kind of let thatgo, and I think, at
least for this weekend, I'm goingto try not to think so much about
how I've underachieved and try to enjoymyself because I do want to feel like
I've earned it, and it doesn'tfeel that way. But maybe it really
just doesn't matter whether or not I'veearned the right to be happy. Maybe

(25:27):
it doesn't matter. Maybe it's justa thing that you can enjoy yourself and
have fun even if you haven't reallyachieved anything of note in recent memory.
Not something that I will have tofigure out, and hopefully I'm not going

(25:51):
to set myself back that much interms of progress, in terms of my
achievement and the things I want todo, which in a way based on
the things I did about a weekand a half ago, finishing up all
the because I've I voluntarily put myselfthrough a Driver's ED course. I don't
have to take it at my agebefore taking the driver's license test, but

(26:11):
I decided to do it just becauseI want to be a good driver and
I want to know everything and learneverything. And I got and I also
got through one of my real estatecontinuing education courses which had been sitting there
for like two months without me reallydoing much on it. So I did
achieve a little bit, So maybeI should reframe it in that way.

(26:33):
But it could just be this sortof internalized narrative all that really just comes
from capitalism and from hustle culture andall that that you can't really that you
can't enjoy yourself, and you can'thave fun unless you've earned it. The
poor can't have nice things because theyhaven't earned it yet, that they should
only get minimum way to really getthem bare minimum food. They can't have

(26:56):
like a you can't treat yourself everyonce in a while to a candy bar.
If you're on Snap, you can'tbuy nice things. Heck, there
was a controversy over a mom.I think I don't have a source for
this, but if I recall correctly, it's somebody post online a long time
ago that a cashier got upset anda mom buying a birthday cake for their

(27:18):
kid using their food stamps or Snapcard. So that's another thing, more
judgmental things. And you have theright wing in some states trying to limit
Snap and I'm pretty sure the legislationI think it was Iowa, but I'm
preciure the legislation failed to limit thekinds of things that people can buy on

(27:38):
SNAP or food stamps. But maybethere is a right to enjoy ourselves even
if we haven't achieved, even ifwe haven't gotten to that level. Maybe
that is something that we have tolearn, and maybe that is some sort
of internalized capitalism that I need todeprogram myself with, both in the personal

(27:59):
realm and the fitness realm. Maybeit doesn't really matter whether or not I
am showing extra fat in my lowerapps when I'm going to the beach,
as long as I'm enjoying myself andI'm having fun with it. And maybe
it just doesn't really matter that muchI've achieved anything to celebrate when I'm celebrating

(28:21):
my birthday, or maybe it does. I really don't know. I will.
I might have better answers once Iget through the birthday week, But
I just wanted to share that thought. I think it might be relevant to
some of you, even if it'snot your birthday right now. Maybe there

(28:42):
is a point right now where youjust feel like or you have the opportunity
to enjoy yourself, and maybe youshould take up that opportunity and throw caution
to the wind for a little bit. But especially if you're like me and
you get fixated and you losing yourfocus is something that happens to you very
easily. Regaining it is very veryhard. You have to find the way

(29:06):
to bring yourself back to that.But maybe it will come on its own.
Maybe the focus and the discipline andall of that, when you're not
feeling so horrible about yourself and notfeeling so horrible about your progress or lack
thereof, maybe that will just naturallyfind its way back to you. And
that's what I hope for, isthat my progress and my ability to achieve

(29:32):
and to become who I want tobe and to be able to be the
advocate that I want to be forothers and serve as the example for others
that I want to be, thatthose things will naturally come back to me
in due time. So thank youso much for taking some of your time
to listen to the podcast today.I really do appreciate it. Please follow

(29:56):
me on social media at Fixer Punkf I x c R p U n
K on TikTok and Instagram, andat Grace and Nation g R E Y
s O n N A t IO N on Twitter. If you have
any stories to tell me about yourown personal journeys with productivity, performance,
fitness, any of those things,or any feedback at all. Maybe you're

(30:21):
dealing with some sort of oppression,somebody screwed you over, or you have
a bad boss. Whatever, youwant to rant about it. Maybe you
want to hear my opinion. Justleave a voicemail on the twenty four hour
voicemail line at eight four four fourseven seven punk. That's eight four four
four seven seven seven eight six fivetoll free. Leave a message anytime,

(30:41):
and I hope you will join meagain for the next episode.