Little Sis and Sibling Ginny ♥️

Full audio episode of sibling Ginny. Hear her share the loss of two siblings and her journey through grief and young adulthood.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
All right, everybody, Happy New Year again.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
This is a little sister Chris, and I'm here with
a fellow surviving sibling, and I will let her introduce
herself in just a minute.

Speaker 1 (00:15):
But it's so glad.

Speaker 2 (00:16):
I'm so glad to have a guest on here with
me because, as you guys know, you hear my voice
mostly throughout the podcast. However, I love to have other
sibling stories because it's not just me out there who
is a surviving sibling. We have so many more stories,
so many more people out there that are able and

(00:37):
willing to share their story, like my sibling here. So
I will let you go ahead and introduce yourself to
the audience as well as your sibling.

Speaker 3 (00:47):
Okay, well, first I just want to say that I'm
really grateful to be on your podcast. I thought I
was going to make it through this podcast without crying
while I was practicing, but I'm I'm already feeling choked up.
But when I found your podcast, it was just such

(01:10):
a relief. I think I was just searching into Spotify
and it popped up and I found it about a
year ago. But anyway, my name is Ginny and I
I have lost two siblings both my siblings, my older
sister Justine and my older brother Brandon. Wow. So yeah,

(01:40):
So I'm an only child now, which is strange, and
I still consider myself a little sister me too. Well,
I know there's something when you're a little sister or
a little sibling it just kind of sticks with you

(02:00):
how you're brought up and how you move through life.
And yeah, yeah, and.

Speaker 2 (02:08):
I want to tell you thank you also for being
here again and sharing your two siblings with me.

Speaker 1 (02:16):
And if we if we get here, we're crying.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
You know, I've cried on the podcast before, and I
am one of these people that typically would not cry
in front.

Speaker 1 (02:27):
Of people whatsoever.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
I have been known to hold it so much that
my body responds to that and I start having chest pains.
But I cried on this podcast before, and I always
thought to edit it, and then I'm like, nine, no, edit,
it's this is this.

Speaker 3 (02:47):
Is what it is.

Speaker 2 (02:48):
It's genuine, It's it's not like what else is out there.
Just know that I cry, and we cry, and sometimes
we cry together.

Speaker 3 (02:58):
I know, Well, you hold it. You hold it in
so much that sometimes it just comes out when you
don't expect it. So definitely does it definitely done.

Speaker 2 (03:10):
So, and I can say only had one sibling, and
that has left me the only I was a little sister.
So I already feel as though we have this in
common of being a little sister. And tell me how
long has it been for both of your siblings?

Speaker 1 (03:32):
How long have they been gone?

Speaker 4 (03:34):
So my sister, she died in twenty eleven, so it's
how many years is that now? It's twenty twenty three,
I guess now, so here's yeah, June twelfth is her memorial.

(03:57):
It's crazy, it doesn't feel like it's been that long.

Speaker 3 (04:00):
It never feels Sometimes it just feels like a day
and then other times, yeah, it feels like years. And
then my brother, actually he passed in ninety seven, which
is the same. Is that the same as your brother? Yekay,
because I remember hearing you say that same year, yeow,

(04:25):
and he died of leukemia? Same yeah, So so yeah,
it's been it's been a while now. But I don't
know if I should. I guess I could start with
my brother with what happened with him. And yes, so

(04:50):
when I was born, I was born in ninety two,
so I'm thirty now. My brother was diagnosed with leukemia.
I think just a little bit before I was born,
so I was in my mom's stomach when she was

(05:13):
dealing with my brother's sickness, and I was born into
that world. My brother and my sister were only two
years apart, so they were like really close. Actually, when
you talk about you and your brother's relationship, it reminds
me of my sister and brother's relationship that they had
together because they were really really just best friends. And

(05:39):
my brother had leukemia for five years and he died
when he was eleven and I was almost five. My
sister was thirteen, and so yeah, I think sibling loss

(06:03):
is a lot different when you're five years old. What
I've realized. I remember my sister telling me, you know,
don't forget, don't forget our brother, don't forget who he was.
And I remember, as a five year old, thinking, what
are you talking about? Like what do you mean, don't forget?

(06:24):
How could I forget? And it's not untill now that
I'm like, oh, I see, I was just a little kid.
Of course, she was like, don't forget about him, and
I couldn't really understand why I would forget, but yeah,
so we were They would take him to the to
the Oakland Children's Hospital. And so from when I was

(06:47):
born to when I when he passed when I was five,
we were always at the hospital or my sister and
I would stay at an aunt's house or a friend's
house or And although I didn't and I knew my

(07:08):
brother was sick, but I didn't realize what a heavy
world that was to be born into in a family
that was going through that. And so so yeah, actually

(07:29):
his memorial day was it was on the eighth of January,
so it just happened, and I I was kind of
I look for signs from them. I'm a believer of science,

(07:50):
and I was like, I didn't realize his memorial was
coming up. It seems like sometimes you can forget that
the day is coming up, but you start to feel
just like extra emotional or you're like, what is going
on with me? And his totem animal was a mountain lion,

(08:11):
because he would draw mountain lions all the time. And
actually when he was passing, he was talking about mountain
lions being in the room with him. So I had
a couple of dreams about mountain lions, and I still
didn't realize what the date that was coming up, and

(08:32):
I listened to this Mountain Lion podcast just kind of
randomly that someone suggested, and then I looked at the
date and I was like, oh my, that's why I've
been like thinking about Mountain Lions and and I was like,
all right, well, I've been reading this book about signs,
so I'm like, all right, well, I really want to

(08:56):
sign today. And sometimes you know, you can try to
force it, and I was like turning on the radio.
I was like, okay, because my song from both of
them is stand by Me. If I hear that song,
and for my brother, it's either stand by Me or
it's the remixed version of I'll Be Well. I think

(09:19):
it was I'll Be Watching You originally by the Police
or Sting or something, and then P Diddy redid it
seven and I'll Be Missing You. So I'm like, okay,
one of those songs. So I'm like a couple of
days ago on the radio. I never turned on the
radio in the house, but I'm like trying to put
it on the right station so I might get one

(09:40):
of those songs, like okay, the oldies station for stand
by Me or throwback hip hop Throwback. Yeah. I didn't
get anything like that thing came up and I knew
I was forcing it, so I just kind of I
kind of forgot about it. And later I went to
my husband dad's birthday party and his I for totally

(10:05):
forgot about getting a sign, and then all of a sudden,
his dad just started singing stand by me, and I've
never heard his dad sing before, and he only made
it through a couple of lines and then he got distracted,
and I didn't say anything, but I was like, oh,
thank you. Well yeah there was but anyway, so yeah,

(10:30):
I love getting signs from from them. But so yeah,
my my brother passed in ninety seven. I remember the
last Christmas with him, and he didn't open any of

(10:51):
his presents. He was eleven and because he he knew
he was he had relapsed and I didn't want to
in his presence, and he got airlifted to the Stanford's
Hospital right around Christmas. And then I remember the night

(11:15):
my sister and I stayed back home. We lived in Arcada,
which is about five hours north of Stamford, so we
stayed with my aunt and my parents drove home the
night that he passed and they told us we were
in their car in the back seat in the car,
and I remember my sister was just crying and crying,

(11:38):
why why did he have to die? Why did he
have to die?

Speaker 1 (11:41):
Why?

Speaker 3 (11:42):
And me, being the little sister, I remember copying her
and saying that too, why did he have to die?
And then I asked my mom if he had left
me anything, and she said, actually, yeah, he did, and
she pulled out a teddy Bear that he got on
the the airplane that had airlifted him with and gave
that to me. And uh, and yet I don't know

(12:11):
it was I mean, only looking back now, I see
that I was raised in this grieving family. And as
a kid, you kind of move in and out of it.
You're still playing, like, you know, you go out and
play as a kid the next day. And I can
remember my older cousin saying, why are you guys playing
when Brendan just died, And because we were younger, we're like, well,

(12:36):
we still want to play. So it's complicated and I
and I and I think that, like now, since my
sister passed, and I see how my parents responded, and
I feel the grief in a new way. I realize
what I was raised in and how that like, grieving

(12:57):
has always been a part of my life. And so
that was my brother Brendan, and my sister was I mean,
everyone was devastated, and but my sister was like they
were really connected, really really best friends. And she was

(13:24):
like she was almost a second mom to me, Like
she would protect me and take care of me, and
I'd sleep in her bed, and we were really really
close and became closer and closer and just were best friends.
And but she and she was open about her grief,

(13:47):
like I can remember her watching bringing out the family
videos and watching videos of him, and she would journal
all the time and write poets tree and my parents,
my dad was more reserved. My parents they owned a

(14:07):
print shop, so they're working all the time, really busy.
But my mom was always you know, receptive to getting
signs and dreams and meditating and talked about I know
a lot of people stopped talking about the person, but
we never really stopped talking about Brendan. You know, other

(14:30):
people in our life did, which is kind of the
strange thing about when someone passes and then your friends
and family kind of just I don't I mean, I
don't blame them because people feel uncomfortable and don't know
what to say. But but my sister, she struggled a

(14:54):
lot and turned to alcohol and from a age and
so she had her her demons that she had to
fight and got into dysfunctional relationships and always just the

(15:17):
best sister in the world, picking me up from school,
letting me hang out with their friends, and just showering
me with presents and spoiling me. And I don't know,
just a really wonderful big sister. And the nine years
between us and in our age gap, it like it

(15:41):
really felt it didn't feel like that to me at
least we felt like it didn't feel like like she
was way older. And then when I became a teenager,
she'd take me places and we'd go to reggae shows
and go on trips together and yeah, yeah, go to festival.
Yeah yeah, she kind of corrupted me, but in the

(16:04):
funnest best way. Took me to my first concert, and yeah,
and she was really just so funny and goofy and
a lot of fun. And but yeah, when I was

(16:30):
I think I was nineteen and she was twenty eight,
she was drinking and riding a quad, a four wheeler
up in the mountains and that's when she crashed her
quad and I actually got the phone call. I was
on the phone with someone else when I got it,

(16:50):
and it was her boyfriend who I didn't like. And actually,
at the time when she passed, she and we weren't
as close houses we had been, because I think I
was angry with her for drinking and dating these guys
I didn't like, and because she'd gone to rehab and

(17:12):
it was it had been a lot of her trying
to heal and then relapses, and yeah, I think I
was angry with her. And so we got that call
and he said there had been an accident, and I
gave the phone to my dad and she died like

(17:34):
pretty instantly, and so she didn't suffer, And yeah, I
remember feeling like I was. I was in shock, but
I felt this sense of relief, which I felt guilty

(17:56):
about for a long time. But I've heard other people
talk about it and it I think I just felt
relief for her that she wasn't.

Speaker 5 (18:06):
Having to suffer like she had been, right, yeah, because
she'd been struggling for a while and.

Speaker 6 (18:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So yeah, that's a long, long story,
and I don't know I probably went out of order,
and I.

Speaker 3 (18:31):
Could have that is all right.

Speaker 2 (18:33):
I wanted you to be able to share because you
have two siblings, to honor them, to honor both of
their personalities, how both of you all dealt with the
grief of losing a sibling very young, and then losing
a sibling still adolescent is age adolescent reaching all the

(18:55):
way to twenty four to twenty five years old, and
you off twice in that time frame, and then having
to talk speak more into those siblings who are listening,
who are were younger when they lost their siblings. That
statistically puts us at risk for so many mental health

(19:19):
challenges and behavior challenges. That is not just a rumor,
that's not just a thing. It's actually studied and statistically
that alcohol, substance abuse, domestic violence type situations, and suicidality
is a huge one and not just lasting in the

(19:42):
childhood but into adult adulthood too. So what you said
about your sister and having the struggles really really ties
into that information out there in my other world, which
is counseling and psychology and things of that nature and
childhood grief that people don't really understand a lot they

(20:05):
understand more now, But they don't understand that someone like
you being five years old does not forget at all.
It's not it's just a did not forget whatsoever, and
some of the results were negative effects and not being
able to grieve in a way that was that that

(20:28):
saved your life.

Speaker 3 (20:30):
Basically, it's hard. It's a hard journey. Well, and especially
I feel like at thirteen, that's such like a that
age is already so fragile. Yes, fourteen, like you know,
you're going through all these adjustments and physically and emotionally,

(20:50):
and that's just like, I don't know, just such a
horrible thing to go through at that age, especially.

Speaker 2 (20:58):
Yes, yes, indeed, indeed, so I'm glad you're able to
share both of their personalities and to share how your
sister dealt with the grief or or didn't. And you're
kind of like right there, kind of floating in between
both of their memories and then combining both of their
memories and get at one point and then realizing that

(21:21):
you were born into grief, a grief situation because your
brother was always sick. In your five years, he was
always sick, so it was always a touch and gold situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and then to have your sister die uh in a
traumatic situation.

Speaker 3 (21:42):
And to be.

Speaker 2 (21:43):
Relieved, like you said, because relief is something that again
you said you had you felt some guilt.

Speaker 3 (21:48):
Around and relief.

Speaker 2 (21:50):
It's something that in death people do feel for their
loved one day, like finally you get some some type
of peace, even though for me, I don't like that
you're gone.

Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 (22:04):
That I don't know. That's always stuck up to me.
Just that I felt that little bit of that sense
of relief. Yeah, yeah, amongst the sadness and anger and well,
I didn't actually feel angry. I guess I always hear
people well I remember my dad saying he was angry,

(22:25):
and I know people go through anger about it, but
I never felt angry. I definitely felt like when I'd
see other people with their siblings or on National Sibling
Day or I don't know.

Speaker 1 (22:43):
That up. I feel like social media made that up.
I know, I said, it's.

Speaker 3 (22:48):
Like, where did this come from?

Speaker 2 (22:51):
It's on the worst day for me possible, it's on
the actual worst day.

Speaker 1 (22:55):
I'm like, what in the world todays Caprians like, who
picks April?

Speaker 3 (23:00):
And I don't know, well, and that's two days before
my sister's birthday April tenth, and I'm always just like,
and it's like.

Speaker 1 (23:09):
My brother's death day. So I'm like, what in the world.

Speaker 3 (23:13):
Yeo, who takes that?

Speaker 2 (23:17):
Yeah, it's a sore spot for me. Yeah, it is,
so I see we have some commonalities here.

Speaker 3 (23:26):
Yeah, And it's just whenever I talk to a sibling,
it is it is, I want to say, weird, but
I feel like it's no coincidence that I have so
many similarities to so many.

Speaker 2 (23:38):
Of y'all when at one point I felt by myself completely.

Speaker 3 (23:43):
Yeah, mm hmm, Yeah, you feel isolated. Yes, at the
same time, I'm feeling completely alone, like you want to
or I felt like I wanted to let everybody know
that this had happened. But then the world's just moving
on and you have that those couple of weeks where

(24:06):
people are bringing by food and you have the memorial,
which is kind of a blur, and then it just oh,
life continues. Yeah, and then you're expected to just keep
going too. Yeah you've just been like run over by.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (24:29):
Indeed, indeed, And I was thinking about this a couple
of days ago. I was thinking about because I was
a freshman in high school, and I was thinking.

Speaker 1 (24:38):
About my grades and.

Speaker 2 (24:42):
How I had to take summer school because I failed.
And I don't remember how many classes it was, because
I remember getting my report card and I remember looking
at my report cards, and I remember feeling so disappointed
in myself that I was making like f and these glasses.

Speaker 1 (25:01):
Disappointed in myself.

Speaker 2 (25:02):
Yeah, And then I put my report cards somewhere because
I didn't want to show my parents, and I never
could find it anymore. I don't know what happened to it.
It's weird because I was in somebody's car at the time,
and I remember folding it and I remember putting it

(25:23):
down somewhere, and I never saw it again, never, So
I couldn't.

Speaker 1 (25:30):
I remember from forties in there, I remember some ass,
but I could not.

Speaker 3 (25:34):
I couldn't.

Speaker 1 (25:35):
I don't remember.

Speaker 2 (25:36):
Yeah, yeah, I just remember having really feeling really bad
that I filled my classes.

Speaker 3 (25:42):
And conveniently losing it.

Speaker 2 (25:45):
Yeah, yeah, lost it. Never saw it again, so I
couldn't play that my grades were Your.

Speaker 3 (25:50):
Brother probably had something to do with that, yeah.

Speaker 2 (25:55):
Yes, And just the pressure, like you said, to keep
going and doing and being a student or being a
young person, a teenager just trying to do all the
things like you did before and can't.

Speaker 3 (26:13):
Yeah, and we're so hard on ourselves. That's like the
biggest thing that I've realized. It's just like I remember
sleeping a lot right afterwards, like I had some time
to sleep because I was dreaming a lot, and then
it was like back to the world. And I was

(26:36):
just so hard on myself for years about not being
enough or not living up to what I had imagined
for myself. And I don't know the thing about it
is that I really just think you have to go
easy on yourself, Like your whole reality, your future has

(26:58):
shifted when you lose a sibling, like all the plans
you had or the idea of yourself, of your identity
of having like I've heard you talk about it, like
being an aunt, your brother's children and this future that
you've kind of imagined for yourself and all that goes away. Yeah,
and it's just hard. It's just harder to move through

(27:22):
life when you have this heaviness with you. And yeah,
I just I think if you have these huge losses,
you really have to be gentle with yourself. You do
let yourself off the hook for things like grades and yeah,

(27:43):
I kind of went a little wild after my sister.
After my sister passed, I was like had gone to
I had gotten into art school after high school, but
I'd taken a break and come home. And then my
sister passed and I never went back to art school.
So I was kind of like going to the junior

(28:05):
the local junior college, off and on. But I was
just not really unhappy. I was really depressed. And my
mom's advice to me was, well, if you feel this depressed,
you might as well go do something that'll be fun.
I wanted to go to Jamaica to my sister. My

(28:28):
sister had taken me on this trip when I was
seventeen to Jamaica and I met this guy there. Yeah,
and so I wanted to go to Jamaica and go
hang out with this guy. This is the dysfunction though,
that can follow after you lose someone, because you're just

(28:49):
kind of desperately grabbing for things and you're not thinking straight.
And so I went to Jamaica. I dropped out of
I don't know, the two classes I was taking, the
two art classes. I was real and I went to
Jamaica with my friend and I met this guy there

(29:09):
and well that I had met before and been talking
to and it was safe and he was a good person,
and we stayed with he and his mom and then
went and visited his dad and he ended up asking
me to marry him. And this is when I was
twenty years old. Wow, I know. And then this is

(29:37):
part of my grief story though, because I feel like
you can do and I'm not going to advise anyone
on whether or not you should take these chances after
you lose someone. I know they say don't make any
serious decisions for five years or something after that. I
did not follow that. Okay, I didn't follow that. I

(29:59):
said yes to him, and I got married when I
was twenty years old. To make it, I didn't like
the correct way. I didn't get married there because we
had to go through all this embassy stuff to do interviews.

(30:22):
I was like staying with him for a while, then
going home and working and then making enough money to
come back there, and my mom came out to visit
us and his family, and then my dad came out
to visit everybody. Meanwhile, my parents are like reeling in grief,

(30:43):
and hear their youngest daughter is dragging him through this marriage. Yeah,
this marriage, this little side adventure. So I don't regret
because I learned a lot. And I mean the marriage
only lasted eight months. But he was I think he

(31:08):
was twenty eight and I was twenty and I was
just a kid, and he wanted to plan our lives
and look at property and this and that, and I
was like, I just kind of want to watch TV
with my mom. I'm like, in the middle of grieving,
I think I'll just do art projects. Yeah, so that happened.

(31:32):
And I never, you, I never like turned to alcohol
or drugs in my grief. I but I definitely had
a lot of relationships where I used them to distract me.
And you know it, Yeah, if I could, if I

(31:52):
could do one thing differently, it would have been putting
a lot more time in myself and my life plans
and less into relationships, because yeah, that just takes a
lot of energy. And then we'd break up and I'd
go through this heartbreak and I knew while it was happening,

(32:13):
like this is way too much pain for this for
a breakup. And I knew it was like I have
all this repressed pain about my sister and before that,
my brother. So I don't know if I was using
the relationships to be able to feel that depth of
sorrow or or what I was. And I was going

(32:37):
to therapy throughout that on and off when I really
couldn't figure things out, and that was really helpful. But yeah,
I think that's what happens when you don't give yourself
time to grie is it comes out in other ways.

(32:58):
You get married when you the worst one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (33:11):
Again, I really loved Jamaica by the way, I did
too my.

Speaker 1 (33:17):
Pregnant music and love Soca.

Speaker 2 (33:19):
Loved Caribbean music and everything and you know, again similarities,
but I didn't get married. But it's it's just that
I really loved the island so and the people everything.

Speaker 3 (33:32):
So it was a healing, a very healing place you
go too, Yeah, yeah, I totally agree.

Speaker 2 (33:41):
I took myself in twenty nineteen to Jamaica by myself
and have a beautiful time.

Speaker 3 (33:49):
Yeah. So yeah, Okay, I think traveling is a wonderful
thing to do. Really, like, I mean, anytime you're I
do think traveling U when you're grieving is good. Maybe
don't get married.

Speaker 7 (34:06):
But.

Speaker 3 (34:08):
Right, just going somewhere, going somewhere completely different, where nobody
knows you or your story. It's a relief. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (34:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (34:20):
And it's like mind expanding and you grow a lot
and change it.

Speaker 1 (34:27):
Yeah, change the scenery.

Speaker 3 (34:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (34:30):
So I know we talked.

Speaker 2 (34:32):
You talked about the pressures that you put on yourself
to do this that, and I can agree with you
on that. I feel like I've been in speed mode
a lot of my my life. I've got to get this.
I got to please my parents. I got because I'm
knowing the kids. You know, they're only kid living and
you know, do all these right decisions, make everything to

(34:54):
the point where you know, only one part of my
life seems like it's all good and gloss seeing things.

Speaker 1 (35:00):
And it took me a long time to get here.

Speaker 2 (35:03):
But it's like I just now maybe I'm forty now,
so uh somewhere around thirty eight, thirty nine, forty to
not put as much pressure on myself as I did
the years before.

Speaker 3 (35:20):
Yeah, it's a relief.

Speaker 2 (35:22):
But I look back and I'm thinking, well, dang, like
why why was I in a rush or why.

Speaker 1 (35:31):
What was that? And you're just trying to you're trying
to you're.

Speaker 2 (35:37):
Grieving and you're trying to I guess carry the torch
for everybody that's gone.

Speaker 3 (35:46):
Well and you feel like well, I felt like I
was running out of time, like that she has passed.
So suddenly I was like, oh my, if this, if
you can just go like that, I better hurry up.
And yeah, yeah, I think that's why I got married.
I was like, I felt like I was the only
one left on earth and I needed to get married

(36:07):
and start a family. And I mean that's the direction
I went. But people can go in any type of
rushed direction careers or whatever it is. And yeah, I
realized just in the last year, I stopped like beating
myself up so much mentally and emotionally about not achieving

(36:32):
all these things or not having it all figured out.

Speaker 1 (36:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (36:38):
And and yeah, the pressure of being the only child
with your parents, it's just like it's a lot, yeah,
to try to fulfill all the different parts that the
family used to be, especially holidays. And yeah, so we

(37:05):
are just coming out of the holiday season. Holidays are
not always the best time for everybody, although mass media
would make you think that everybody is jolly and in
a good old time.

Speaker 2 (37:17):
Yeah, But because we have come out at the time
of this recording, have come just out of the holiday season.
How is it knowing that you've lost two siblings?

Speaker 1 (37:30):
How is the adjustment? How long was that adjustment?

Speaker 3 (37:36):
Well, I'm still adjusting. I think for a long time.
It was my sister who like kept my mom and
dad and I like in the holiday spirit. Like she
was always, you know, just wanting to do all the

(37:59):
traditional things and get the tree and the decorations and
the presence and everything, and my dad and it was
just so painful for my dad and and so then
when she passed, it was like a whole I mean,
we had wonderful Christmases, the four of us after my

(38:21):
brother passed, even though they were really sad. But then
when my sister passed, like I just felt like we
weren't even a family, and my mom kept saying we
are a family, like and I just was like.

Speaker 4 (38:35):
What are you what are you talking?

Speaker 3 (38:38):
I think it really upset me. I was like, what
are you talking about? How can this be a family?
Just me and you guys, And that's the family. And
so we kind of like every Christmas has been just different.
Like last year, I made sure we had Christmas trees.
We were in Mexico. My parents live in Mexico, and
I kind of wrote out the pandemic there and so

(39:01):
it's hard to find a real Christmas tree over there,
but I like insisted, and it was still kind of,
you know, very melancholy Christmas. And again this year, I
wasn't with my parents. I'm living in Sacramento now with
my husband, and he has a daughter, an older daughter,

(39:24):
and so she was here and his family's like very
traditional with Christmas, and so we strung popcorn and cranberries
and decorated the tree and did all the Christmas things.
But I still had to have a breakdown. Like I
thought I was going to be okay, and then I

(39:46):
woke up. I just kept waking up like the day before,
and then the day of Christmas, waking up really grouchy,
and I'm like, all right, Usually when I'm feeling angry,
it's because I'm not I'm not dealing with my sadness,
and so I just had to give myself that time
to realize that and realize that it was hard to

(40:09):
be away from my parents, even though our Christmases are
always a little shaky and unpredictable, and it was like
kind of missing my Christmas with my parents even if
it was, even if they are sad, like I was
just kind of missing where how casual they were and

(40:30):
the pressure of having like a real Christmas. I don't know.
It was. Yeah, it's strange. So I don't know to
answer your question, the holidays are hard no matter what. Yeah,
and it reminds me my birthday, my thirtieth birthday, my
birthdays in March. That was like, I was a mess

(40:53):
on my birthday. I cried all day long. I my
sister used to just shower me with presents and spoil me.
And I don't know. I guess maybe I've become like
no birthdays ever as good as when she was there.

(41:16):
And then I was turning thirty, so that was like
a milestone and she was and she wasn't there for that,
and yeah, I was so sad and crying and upset.
And a few days after my birthday, though, I had

(41:37):
a dream and in my dream she was. We were
at our old house that I that we grew up in.
My parents sold that house, which is another thing that
happens and it's a part of the grieving process. But
in the dream, we're at our family house and he wasn't.

(42:01):
I didn't see her. But she left me a present
and it was like this very ornate pincushion and there
was a note and it said more gifts are on
the way. And right around that time, the man that's

(42:22):
my husband, now, he called me. We were friends for
a few years, but he called me while I was
in Mexico and wanted to know if I wanted to
come out to visit. And I came out to visit.
Lots of has happened in the last eight or nine
or maybe ten months now, but anyway, I came out

(42:44):
to visit him, and we fell in love. And I'm
pregnant now.

Speaker 7 (42:49):
Yeah, I asked you about that, but I didn't want Yeah,
I'm seven months or almost eight months pregnant.

Speaker 3 (43:02):
Yeah, more gifts are coming, yeah exactly. And as soon
as I got here, I we just and I felt
so comfortable and just like, I don't know, we just
knew that we were like we'd been missing from each
other's lives. It was just like so easy and comfortable,
and I was like, yep, those I guess these are

(43:23):
the gifts that are coming. She like had huge gifts
in store for my thirtieth year.

Speaker 1 (43:31):
Wow, congratulates.

Speaker 3 (43:33):
Yeah, yeah, It's been a big adjustment though, Like I'm
I'm really comfortable at this point and so excited. But
it was like the first three months I felt like
I was grieving all over again. Wow, And I was like,

(43:54):
what is happening to me? Like it was and I've
read that like I don't know, pregnancy it brings up
a lot. But it was like just a lot to
do with my sister and then I and my brother,
and then I had to like go through all my
past relationships that were kind of wow, you know, not

(44:16):
fully worked out, just all these emotions and a lot
of letting go. Yeah. So yeah, it was intense. It
was really that's.

Speaker 2 (44:30):
A lot of work. Now, what day is your birthday?
March thirtieth, Okay, so you're right there.

Speaker 1 (44:36):
All of my family is in March. So my brother
really was.

Speaker 2 (44:40):
March the eighteen, My dad is March sixteenth, my mom
is March twenty seven, so wow, or and then after
and I'm all they are are they all aries? Pi
sason aries, Mom's and the Okay, yeah, I'm having I'm

(45:03):
having a boy and he's going.

Speaker 3 (45:04):
To be a pisces. Oh wow.

Speaker 2 (45:09):
My dad and my my dad and his twin and
then my good So yeah, yeah, well congratulations. It's just exciting.
And I'm glad that you're a dreamer as well. I'm
a dreamer as well. And and dreams really do, like
you say, signs, dreams really sometimes I'm worn out for

(45:34):
my dreams because it's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot.

Speaker 3 (45:38):
It's another it's another reality that you go to and
live this whole other life in the dream.

Speaker 1 (45:43):
Yes, oh my.

Speaker 2 (45:45):
Gosh, yes, wa I'm thinking, Lord, I've been sleep all night,
but I have. I've been sleep Ashley.

Speaker 3 (45:58):
That's why I'm so tired.

Speaker 1 (46:00):
Yes, I stually been living and doing other stuff.

Speaker 2 (46:05):
So yes, So when you said dreams, I was like,
I'm a dreamer. And my brother came to me on
my fortieth birthday and annoyed the mess out of me
in my sleep and was trying to take me up.
In my dream, I was asleep, and then he tried
to wake me up because he was, you know, kind

(46:25):
of shaking my pillow.

Speaker 1 (46:27):
So I woke up still in my dream. Woke up
and I looked at him, and I was so annoyed that.

Speaker 3 (46:34):
He woke me up.

Speaker 2 (46:35):
And then he starts smiling, and then he put my
hand and he kissed my hand, and then I woke
up and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, you again. Ever
came to me for my birthday? I don't ever remember
this at all. I was like, forty is going to be.

Speaker 3 (46:53):
A big year.

Speaker 2 (46:55):
Yeah boom, my mom had this whole surprise birthday party.

Speaker 1 (47:00):
A couple of days later.

Speaker 3 (47:02):
Oh, I think I remember listening to your God. Yeah,
that sounded so fun.

Speaker 2 (47:09):
It was amazing. It was amazing. So I believe in
the dreams. I believe in the signs. You know, some
people don't, but we are. We do believe in.

Speaker 1 (47:20):
That, and that keeps us in contact with our loved ones.

Speaker 3 (47:23):
So yeah, yeah, it's pretty incredible when you have like
a visitation dream, because sometimes I feel like I have
dreams where it's like my subconscious is really just trying
to work out things. And then other times I've had
dreams where I have been visited by my siblings and

(47:45):
I wake up and I feel them. Yeah, and it
just sticks with you for like days afterwards. Yeah, and yeah,
those are amazing dreams. Those are great. Those are great love.

Speaker 2 (47:59):
So I'm glad that you are in this season of
your life, and it's a huge transition. But I think
that as we continue, both of us continue to grow
and continue to.

Speaker 1 (48:15):
Grieve grief differently, because in our transitions we do grieve
a little bit differently.

Speaker 2 (48:22):
Like you said, your first three months was like, oh,
really really trying to go and embrace and then let
go and then embrace some things and then be grateful
for some things, and then your body is changing at
the same time. M tell me and what tell me
and other siblings who have lost not one but two,

(48:45):
what helps you, what helped you throughout these years, or
what is helping.

Speaker 3 (48:53):
Well for me? I'm I feel very fortunate that I
I'm an artist, so I have that outlit. I think
it's so like, I don't know what I would have
done if I couldn't express my sorrow with painting and

(49:14):
honor it and just be in that other space where
you're you know, when you're really in flow in creating something,
a part of your mind can turn off and you
I just I can get to a place where I
feel very connected to my siblings, to the universe, to

(49:41):
whatever it is that someone believes in and just like
support it. And and sometimes it's not like that. Sometimes
it's not a flow or peaceful state. Sometimes it's agony,
and I like, why am I creating this art? I
don't even like doing this no matter what, Like that's

(50:01):
the thing that I always can, just like I don't know,
collapse into and feel relieved. And I journal too. I
keep a journal and write down my dreams and and therapy,
so art, therapy, journaling, exercise, that's like a generic thing

(50:29):
for everybody, but that, yeah, you have to keep trying
to move your body. I think it gets the Greek
out comes to the surface. And I'm also a believer
in like the you know, if you don't express the grief,
it turns into different ailments on your body. And yeah,

(50:53):
so but mostly for me it's been art. I did
get really involve working with horses for a couple of years,
and it was right after my sister passed, and I
had been asking the universe for something bigger than myself,
Like I really felt like I needed to take care
of something bigger. I didn't realize physically bigger, like a horse.

Speaker 1 (51:18):
Ah.

Speaker 3 (51:20):
I thought it was gonna be like an art project
or something, but I got really into horses and at
that time, I remember after my sister passed, I felt
so scared of everything, like afraid to move. And when
I had to face these horses, you have to remain

(51:40):
calm because they're huge animals. They're not like predatory animals,
but they can step on you or whatever. So yeah,
that really helped me with my fears, like not just
getting into the fetal position. It was really symbolic for
my life. I was like, no, you have to stand up,
you have to breathe. So I kind of, yeah, my

(52:04):
life kind of took me on these little journeys that
we're good for expressing grief. But I always go back
to art. I've been. I've actually I finished my tarot
decked tarot cards, seventy eight cards, and it's called the
Little Sister Taro. And I didn't realize that. I mean,

(52:25):
I remember that you go by Little Sis Chris, but
I didn't think about that when I did my tarot cards.
It must have just stuck with me. So they're called
Little Sister Taro. I haven't printed them yet, but it's
in the works. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I have to come
to you for for reading. Well, I don't know how

(52:47):
to do readings. Really, I'm learning. I'm learning as I go,
so I'm not a Tarot card reader yet, and I
don't know if I will be, but I like I
like the meanings of the cards, and I've always had
a deck around me, like to just draw a card,
draw one card for the day or whatever. Okay, but

(53:12):
so yeah, I'm putting my grief into that right now,
little sister, Carol.

Speaker 2 (53:18):
I like it.

Speaker 3 (53:19):
I like it.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, little sister.

Speaker 3 (53:24):
But yeah, it's I think it's it's really important to
have an outlet whatever it is that you're passionate about,
to follow that.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
Yeah, it doesn't have to be art, and it adds
and flows throughout your life and throughout your journey. Like
you said, at one point, you you know, took care
of horses and learned how to present yourself to horaces
and and to actually present yourself as though you're not scared,
although you were scared of a few times. Yeah, I

(53:55):
mean to go within yourself for being able to take.

Speaker 1 (53:59):
Care of them and respect them and how large they are.

Speaker 2 (54:04):
But it does it ebbs and flows a lot. And
like you said, art the terror deck for me has
at one point in my life I wrote poetry and
did live open mic nights.

Speaker 1 (54:19):
At points in my life I still journal.

Speaker 2 (54:23):
I've journaled for a long time, but yeah, I think
those things have helped. I've been going to therapy for
the past a year and a half, so that has
been really well.

Speaker 3 (54:34):
I just kind of wish I.

Speaker 2 (54:35):
Went to therapy earlier in my life, but it is,
it is what it is. Yeah, Yeah, to help through
those moments, those lonely moments. It helps to be able
to cry, know that it's okay to cry, know that
it's okay to feel whatever feelings you're feeling, talk to people,

(55:00):
take care of yourself, exercise, sleep, yeah, and just take
that time.

Speaker 3 (55:07):
Travel.

Speaker 2 (55:07):
Like you said earlier, traveling has helped me so much.
Being around water completely.

Speaker 3 (55:16):
Yeah, yeah, I agree with that.

Speaker 2 (55:20):
But every time I leave water, I have an attitude.

Speaker 1 (55:23):
I know, I'm from a.

Speaker 3 (55:26):
Town on the beach and now and the past or
on the ocean. In the past like four years, I
haven't been living by the ocean, and I really miss it.
I go to I try to go to the river
a lot. But yes, I like the expansiveness of the ocean,
and yes, it.

Speaker 2 (55:45):
Truly captures my attention and I'm relaxed when I hear it,
when I see it, when I hear.

Speaker 3 (55:52):
The wind all of the above.

Speaker 1 (55:54):
It can be a creek and it can be the ocean.

Speaker 2 (55:57):
It doesn't matter. Just I'm mirror and when I have
to leave it, I've attitude for I want to say,
a few days I be alone.

Speaker 3 (56:11):
Yeah, I get it.

Speaker 2 (56:13):
Yeah, I'm self aware about that. I have noticed that
about myself. I didn't notice at first, but now I.

Speaker 3 (56:20):
Do well, And that's a good thing to note it,
Like take note of how you're feeling. I think that's
a major It took me a long time to realize that,
but like just by acknowledging that you are feeling sad
or you're feeling whatever it is you're feeling, knowing that

(56:42):
it probably has to do with the grief, or at
least for me, like realizing, Okay, I'm feeling lonely and
I'm around, I'm not by myself, but I'm feeling lonely
and it's like, oh, I'm missing my siblings. Yeah, like
I'm just myself and I'll and I think I'll always

(57:02):
have that loneliness. And it sounds depressing to to say
that I'm always going to be lonely to a certain extent,
but it's true. And I and letting go of thinking
that I'm going to get back to the person I
was before she passed, Yeah, because that will never happen.

(57:23):
And so just realizing that I'm like, Okay, this is
what I'm working with now. I'm like, you know, I
remember at the beginning it felt like i'd lost a limb.

Speaker 1 (57:36):
Yeah, like.

Speaker 3 (57:39):
And it still can feel like that, like you just
you're not You're not the person that you were before.
You're not or I don't feel I don't feel full anymore.
And I do believe that I'll see my siblings again
when I cross over, Like I fully believe that. I don't.

(58:01):
I don't. I can't say I have everything, like the
whole universe figured out, but I do feel like I'm
going to see them again, and I do feel like
I can talk to them when I need to talk
to them or ask them for help or whatever it is.
But yeah, just accepting that I'm not going to be
the same person that I was, and it's and realizing

(58:22):
that there's not a rush to work through or get Oh.
Everyone's always saying like, oh I got or asking how
did you get over your how did you get over this?
And it's like, well, I haven't gotten over anything, because
some days it feels like it just happened, and then

(58:43):
some days like you're doing all right. It's not a
linear it's not a linear process at all.

Speaker 2 (58:56):
In every life transition, and every life transition, it hits
you in a different way. You have noticed it immediately,
but you will eventually notice it. Siblings who are listening
out there, when you have graduated from school, or when
you have gotten married, or when you turn thirty or

(59:16):
turn forty, when you get divorced or your parents get divorced,
or having to take care of your parents when they
get older. All those are three transitions that happen to us.
And they're going to call some grieving in there as well.
Even though some things might be happy, happy transitions, and

(59:38):
then other things might not be as happy.

Speaker 1 (59:40):
But all of that's going.

Speaker 3 (59:42):
To rear up when we're going through those things. Yeah. Yeah,
anytime that you had an idea that you were going
to be there with your sibling and then you have
to face the reality that they're not there, Yeah, yeah,
come out.

Speaker 2 (01:00:02):
Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am. Well, I am not going to
keep you all night long. I feel like I could
talk to you all night, all of you who are listening,
it is sitting. I'm on Central Time in Tennessee and
she's in California on Pacific, so she's about two hours
behind me. And so we have actually been working on

(01:00:27):
seeing each other and meeting each other on Zoom for
about almost a year.

Speaker 3 (01:00:32):
I want to say, Yeah, I knew it would happen eventually,
almost a year.

Speaker 2 (01:00:43):
And I went back to my emails because Jenny reached
out to me, and I was like, oh my gosh,
that's awesome. And then she I think she found me
on Facebook first and then reached out and I was
so glad that you reached out. And somehow last year
I took a big break somewhere in the middle somewhere,

(01:01:05):
and but I'm glad that we were able to beat
up on zoom in twenty twenty three.

Speaker 3 (01:01:14):
Me too. Yeah, I think I trickened out. I reached
out to you and I was.

Speaker 8 (01:01:18):
Already and then I was like, maybe I'm not breaking now, yes,
but your podcast kept me company while I was painting,
Like forer day, I just like went on a whole
binge of your podcast.

Speaker 3 (01:01:34):
So I had to reach out.

Speaker 1 (01:01:38):
Thanks for telling me that.

Speaker 9 (01:01:40):
Telling me that, because sometimes it's me and I'm talking
and I have something on my mind to say, and
I don't know who reaches out or I see some numbers,
but I you know, don't focus on it.

Speaker 1 (01:01:54):
And it's good to hear that feedback.

Speaker 3 (01:01:57):
Yeah it was. Yeah, it was a great relief to
find your podcast, and thank you. Even now I'm like, oh,
she has a new one out, very.

Speaker 2 (01:02:08):
Happy, Yes, yes, yes, So my bet is that I'll
be going ahead and uploading a little bit more often
in twenty twenty three, more than I did in twenty
twenty two. But I think there's times where it's like
what you don't want to say just anything, and I

(01:02:31):
want to make sure that what I say is beneficial
to all the siblings out there that are listening or
that will find a podcast.

Speaker 3 (01:02:39):
So I always want to come from that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:41):
Lens now just be talking like all these you know
a lot of times when you're on podcasts or YouTube
or something, people just talk about anything.

Speaker 3 (01:02:50):
But yeah, yeah, just to be intentional. Yeah, no, I
think that's a better way to go about it than
I'm just trying to get your me meet a quota
or something.

Speaker 2 (01:03:02):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely not so. I again, it's been
a year of us. And you know, I believe that
timing is everything and that we were meant to meet
on this day in twenty twenty three to be able
to see your smiling face said, to hear some stimularities,

(01:03:23):
and to also congratulate you on the upcoming baby boy.

Speaker 3 (01:03:27):
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (01:03:29):
It is amazing in marriage and that is amazing.

Speaker 3 (01:03:34):
I want, I wanted to ask you. I forgot your
brother's name.

Speaker 2 (01:03:38):
We called him GP GP GP, and he was named
after my dad from George George.

Speaker 3 (01:03:47):
Penne my dad and okay, so we.

Speaker 1 (01:03:50):
Called him GP for short.

Speaker 3 (01:03:52):
Okay, yeah, I was trying to remember that before I
started talking to you, but I just yeah, I just
wanted to know GP GP.

Speaker 1 (01:04:03):
Yes. So, and my again, my family is very funny.

Speaker 3 (01:04:07):
So my dad is George.

Speaker 2 (01:04:09):
My brother was George, and my mom is georgiata, I'm Crystal,
and you.

Speaker 3 (01:04:19):
Got left out, Yes I did. I did.

Speaker 2 (01:04:23):
August you know, August birthday just brought out some newness
in my mom. And yeah, you know, I was like, okay,
I'll just name her something different, and she was.

Speaker 1 (01:04:33):
She was good about naming me something different.

Speaker 2 (01:04:35):
But yeah, yeah, so funny tidbit for all of y'all
are listening.

Speaker 3 (01:04:42):
You know, we could keep going, but I would know.

Speaker 1 (01:04:46):
I know, but I appreciate you. I'm gonna wrap this
up for everybody.

Speaker 2 (01:04:50):
If you would like to hit me up on Facebook.
I am there on Facebook at LPC Chris and I'm
also have a Facebook group. Would I think Jenny is
still on there at the Mexbook group. It's called Our
Siblings Lost the Podcast. That's what it's called on Facebook.
You can also hit me up on my email address

(01:05:12):
which is also in the studio, or the liner Notes
liner Notes.

Speaker 3 (01:05:16):
I'm so old school, but it is all there for.

Speaker 2 (01:05:21):
You if you want to get in contact. Thank you
so much Jenny, and have a great night.

Speaker 3 (01:05:27):
Thanks