November 6, 2022 • 18 mins
When asked to give my trauma narrative with my therapist…
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
So let's talk therapy siblings. Hello again, this is a
little sister Chris, and thanks for listening so far to
the last episode that I posted on yesterday yesterday morning.
And I'm gonna give you a two for one because
I'm so thankful that it's November and we're here in November,
and glad that you are here with me. And it's
(00:23):
been a long time since I've done more than one
podcast episode in one month, and I just wanted to
give you this as.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
A pre holiday gift.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
I want to talk about because I mentioned in my
Facebook group processing some things with my therapists, and I've
now had my therapist for almost a year. I want
to say it's been a year since I happened my
therapist and it has been the greatest experience ever. And
if you don't know by now, I am a therapist
by trade, licensed therapist in my state. And for a
(00:59):
long time I just thought I could do my own
self inventory and I could do my own therapist.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
And that is a lie. It's truly a lie.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Now I can be more aware of certain situations more
than the average bear, but I can also numb out
as well.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Because I am a therapist.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
And I have been able to tell my stories through podcasting.
And when you start to tell your stories over and
over again, sometimes there is not a It just becomes
a script and it doesn't become something that you are
emotionally attached to anymore. What I mean by that is
(01:42):
my therapist wanted to work with me on my trauma narrative.
She wanted me to tell my story from the beginning
to the end of when I found out that my
brother was diagnosed with cancer in September of nineteen ninety six,
and even before when he started showing signs of being
ill until his death. So I ran through it. I
(02:09):
ran through it from the time that we noticed that
he was slowing down as a young person. He's at
seventeen years old and just slowing down and wanted to nap,
skip in school to nap and no longer was just
as active as he was, and then finding his that
(02:33):
he had a swelling under his neck, and what we
found out was the swelling of his lipnoids, and going
taking to him the er, and him having fluid on
his lungs, and then going to the doctor, and then
taking him to an oncologist, and then my brother telling
me the day he.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Was diagnosed that he was gonna die, and he was.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Very matter of fact about it, and I didn't understand
what was happening. So that's part of the beginning of
my trauma narrative, that I was telling my therapist, But
when she asked for it first, that was not where
I was gonna start. I was going to start with
dates and times and conversation with my brother. Was not
(03:20):
gonna start with that. Immediately, I thought about darkness, and
I decided to go against my immediate thought so that
I can give details of what happened, like reading an
(03:40):
article with no emotional attachment to my story.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
And she noticed.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
She noticed, and she said, this is what happens when
someone is a therapist. This is what happens when someone
is has told the story over and over again, and
they've told the story as if they were a narrator,
an outsider to this story, and then not the person
that went through exactly what happened. And she called me
(04:14):
out on it, and I said, you know what, You're
completely right about that, because how I started my trauma narrative,
which is basically your story, was not in my mind
my first thought. My first thought was to tell you,
and I saw it in my mind. I saw the
(04:35):
picture in my mind of a dark house, no lights on,
no nothing, quiet.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
And you guys know that.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Quiet in darkness when you're in grief, you can actually
feel it. Now, when I'm in quiet and darkness, I
quite enjoy it.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
I quite enjoy it.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
It gives me time to think, it gives me time
to kind of relax and all of that. But at
that time, and four years later, darkness and quiet felt
so heavy. I could feel it in my chest. And
I remember after my brother's death, I had was drinking
(05:27):
something at school, and every time I was drinking, I
felt like a pain in my chest, Like every time
I take a gulp of water or a gulp of
juice or something. I could feel a pain right between
my breast. Did not know what it was.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
It lasted probably two weeks.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
And seeing that I've had somebody to pass away, it
worried me too that I had chest pain. That won't
be the first time I had chest pain in this journey,
not the first time. Had many incidents from right after
the death to being in college to after college jobs
(06:14):
of chest pain and back pain and stomach issues. Nausea, sweating.
That's what I didn't tell my therapist and my trauma narrative.
(06:37):
I kept it very you know, if you've ever seen
a movie Shaw Shank where Morgan Freeman is the best
narrator because he has the best voice, it.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Sounded like that.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
It sounded like Morgan Freeman telling Andy's story and everybody
else's story.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
That's what it sounded like.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
And that's not in my mind where I first wanted
to go, but I changed it so I can get
through the story. And uh, it's been since nineteen ninety
seven and have had to battle with and I've told
(07:18):
you all before, battle with darkness, isolation and abandonment feelings.
And then you life continues to move on and move
on and rocket speed sometimes, but it still feels like
you're standing still. It still looks like everybody else is
living their bedst life, especially like the age that I
was at fourteen years old.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Everybody's getting ready to.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
You know, try to look at prome dresses in the
next few years. And that's just not where my mind
was or where my value was. My value when I
was in high school with everybody else's value wasn't the
same as mine. I just was trying to get from
day to day and try not to lunk in my classes.
(08:02):
I didn't tell her that school became very hard. I
even went to college just to be away from the house.
Like I did not go to college for education, and
I really went for social freedom, and I really went
for grief, to be able to grieve alone. And it
(08:24):
hit me in my last semester of my freshman year.
It hit me really hard, and I spent a full
year in mental darkness. And I can't tell it any
(08:47):
other way. I again hit me at nineteen years old.
I believe I was eighteen nineteen hit me where I
could feel that darkness again in my chest, and that's
where another set of chest pain started happening off and on.
(09:08):
I went to the doctor. I would try homeopathic methods.
I would try eating fruits and veggies, I fasted. Nothing worked,
and I did not know at the time what it was.
I just always thought it was medical. Again, coming from
where I come from, seeing someone pass away, I always
thought it was medical. Never in my life thought it
(09:32):
was mental, and never thought it was grief until I
entered into this field of psychology and counseling after college
and somebody pointed it out to me, Hey, it sounded
like a panic attack to me. By then, I was
(09:52):
twenty four years old and my colleague. I was telling
my colleague about it at the time. I never forget it,
and she was like, oh, it sounds like a panic attack.
It's like I ain't never had one of those, And
she said, no, I think that's what it was.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Never knew. I thought it was my gawbladder. Never knew.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
So that's the part I left out in my trauma
narrative with my therapist. And she was very much aware
that I left out some stuff. But you know, as
anybody else knows, therapy sessions last forty five minutes for me,
for my insurance, we get a lot done in forty
five minutes, and no longer it lasts a full hour
(10:41):
because you know, they have to take notes, so they
tack on their minutes to taking you know, notes and
all that stuff and putting in their notes and all
of that.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I do understand that.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
So we get a lot done in forty five minutes,
and I am ever ever so grateful. So if you're
not in therapy, you have got to really step into
that space when you get ready when you get ready.
If you've contemplated it and that's on your goals, just
(11:13):
go ahead and do it. If you have never thought
about it, I advise you to think about it and
go ahead.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
And do it.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
I really, really wish I would have gotten counseling at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen,
twenty twenty one. All those life transitions, all divorce, all
young people issues, first jobs, graduation, grief, love. If I
(11:43):
was able to be able to talk about it to
somebody and be objective and to know what was going
on inside of me, that would have been a life
changing savior thing in my early twenties, in my thirties,
as it is now, as me being four and you guys,
(12:04):
don't have to stay in therapy forever if you don't
want to.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
It can be temporary, but.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I advise it as a therapist myself getting therapy, it
has been the best for me.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
So I advise you to take care of you.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Don't forget to eat well, drink your water, take your medicine,
go outside, enjoy these fall colors. If you are in
the US hemisphere, or you if you are in a
space that has all four seasons. Sometimes I doubt that
we have four seasons, but we have four seasons still
(12:45):
here in Nashville, Tennessee. Pray, meditate, be in silence if
you need to be around your family, people you love,
call your supportive people. Put down that alcohol, Put down
the drugs. Put down the sex, the things that you
(13:06):
have used to cover up the pain, things that you
have used to run away from the demons. Run away
from the feelings. Because I am now really realizing that
(13:28):
being in your feelings is not that bad.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Now. I know there are some people who use their
feelings to manipulate others.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
I mean not talking about that, but somebody like me
who would stuff their feelings down internal and not give
off any type of feelings because I did not feel
safe to say what I needed to say, and that
has damaged me in the relationships, and to swallow all
(13:59):
the time your feelings.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
It's not good.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Your feelings of grief, your feelings of not being accepted,
your feelings of loneliness, your feelings of anger, sadness, devastation,
the tears, the rage, the temper tantrums, the peace, the guilt,
(14:33):
the love, the laughter, all those feelings are important and
like my good friend says, joy and sadness can sometimes
live in the same house, and it's okay.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
It is okay.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Deep breaths. The memorial service yesterday went very well. I
was glad to be there. I felt like a twelve
year old kid all over again. The I would call
her my grandma. Her daughter was there, and her daughter
(15:20):
looks just like her, just like her, and I've lost
a significant amount of weight and I have not seen
the daughter in a few years, and my hair is different.
She didn't even know me. She didn't even recognize who
I was, and I was wondering why she was talking
(15:41):
to my dad and she was not talking to me
as I was standing next to him. And when someone
asked me or introduced themselves to me, and I introduced
myself to them, she overheard me say my name and
she said, oh, my gosh, I did not recognize you.
And then she puts her hands on my face and
(16:07):
her mom used to do that. She used to put
her hands on my face, like both her hands on
my face, as if she was holding a sculpture. And
it made me feel like a little kid again, because again,
like I said in yesterday's episode, this lady made me
feel like an important part of the world, important person,
(16:35):
A beautiful little girl.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
She made me feel like.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
And I was chubby as a kid, like my self
was seen was low and she never judged me on that.
And she always would say something, Oh, she's so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Her skin, your hair is so beautiful. She would oh, oh,
my sweet girl. She would just go on and own
and it was so pressed.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
And when our daughter did it with me last night
or yesterday, I just oh.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
I needed it.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I needed it, And I'm so glad that they had
the memorial service and it was beautiful and it and
captured everything that she was, everything that she was so
very loving and tweet and energetic and sense of humor.
(17:33):
So I just wanted to end on that nail. Now,
on that note, I love you, guys. Don't forget to
reach out to me if you want to be a
part of the podcast.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
So I have two in the queue.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
We'll get our lives together and we'll get it set
to where you guys can hear that conversation. And I'm
gonna get back on YouTube. It's just again being a
very busy year with starting a new job and trying
to navigate a balance between new job and life and
(18:08):
private practice and trying to take care of myself physically,
continue to go to the gym, drink my water, do
something with my hair and all of that stuff. But yeah,
love you guys, talk to you soon.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Happy November
So let's talk therapy siblings. Hello again, this is a
little sister Chris, and thanks for listening so far to
the last episode that I posted on yesterday yesterday morning.
And I'm gonna give you a two for one because
I'm so thankful that it's November and we're here in November,
and glad that you are here with me. And it's
(00:23):
been a long time since I've done more than one
podcast episode in one month, and I just wanted to
give you this as.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
A pre holiday gift.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
I want to talk about because I mentioned in my
Facebook group processing some things with my therapists, and I've
now had my therapist for almost a year. I want
to say it's been a year since I happened my
therapist and it has been the greatest experience ever. And
if you don't know by now, I am a therapist
by trade, licensed therapist in my state. And for a
(00:59):
long time I just thought I could do my own
self inventory and I could do my own therapist.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
And that is a lie. It's truly a lie.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Now I can be more aware of certain situations more
than the average bear, but I can also numb out
as well.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Because I am a therapist.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
And I have been able to tell my stories through podcasting.
And when you start to tell your stories over and
over again, sometimes there is not a It just becomes
a script and it doesn't become something that you are
emotionally attached to anymore. What I mean by that is
(01:42):
my therapist wanted to work with me on my trauma narrative.
She wanted me to tell my story from the beginning
to the end of when I found out that my
brother was diagnosed with cancer in September of nineteen ninety six,
and even before when he started showing signs of being
ill until his death. So I ran through it. I
(02:09):
ran through it from the time that we noticed that
he was slowing down as a young person. He's at
seventeen years old and just slowing down and wanted to nap,
skip in school to nap and no longer was just
as active as he was, and then finding his that
(02:33):
he had a swelling under his neck, and what we
found out was the swelling of his lipnoids, and going
taking to him the er, and him having fluid on
his lungs, and then going to the doctor, and then
taking him to an oncologist, and then my brother telling
me the day he.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Was diagnosed that he was gonna die, and he was.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Very matter of fact about it, and I didn't understand
what was happening. So that's part of the beginning of
my trauma narrative, that I was telling my therapist, But
when she asked for it first, that was not where
I was gonna start. I was going to start with
dates and times and conversation with my brother. Was not
(03:20):
gonna start with that. Immediately, I thought about darkness, and
I decided to go against my immediate thought so that
I can give details of what happened, like reading an
(03:40):
article with no emotional attachment to my story.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
And she noticed.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
She noticed, and she said, this is what happens when
someone is a therapist. This is what happens when someone
is has told the story over and over again, and
they've told the story as if they were a narrator,
an outsider to this story, and then not the person
that went through exactly what happened. And she called me
(04:14):
out on it, and I said, you know what, You're
completely right about that, because how I started my trauma narrative,
which is basically your story, was not in my mind
my first thought. My first thought was to tell you,
and I saw it in my mind. I saw the
(04:35):
picture in my mind of a dark house, no lights on,
no nothing, quiet.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
And you guys know that.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Quiet in darkness when you're in grief, you can actually
feel it. Now, when I'm in quiet and darkness, I
quite enjoy it.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
I quite enjoy it.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
It gives me time to think, it gives me time
to kind of relax and all of that. But at
that time, and four years later, darkness and quiet felt
so heavy. I could feel it in my chest. And
I remember after my brother's death, I had was drinking
(05:27):
something at school, and every time I was drinking, I
felt like a pain in my chest, Like every time
I take a gulp of water or a gulp of
juice or something. I could feel a pain right between
my breast. Did not know what it was.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
It lasted probably two weeks.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
And seeing that I've had somebody to pass away, it
worried me too that I had chest pain. That won't
be the first time I had chest pain in this journey,
not the first time. Had many incidents from right after
the death to being in college to after college jobs
(06:14):
of chest pain and back pain and stomach issues. Nausea, sweating.
That's what I didn't tell my therapist and my trauma narrative.
(06:37):
I kept it very you know, if you've ever seen
a movie Shaw Shank where Morgan Freeman is the best
narrator because he has the best voice, it.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Sounded like that.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
It sounded like Morgan Freeman telling Andy's story and everybody
else's story.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
That's what it sounded like.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
And that's not in my mind where I first wanted
to go, but I changed it so I can get
through the story. And uh, it's been since nineteen ninety
seven and have had to battle with and I've told
(07:18):
you all before, battle with darkness, isolation and abandonment feelings.
And then you life continues to move on and move
on and rocket speed sometimes, but it still feels like
you're standing still. It still looks like everybody else is
living their bedst life, especially like the age that I
was at fourteen years old.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Everybody's getting ready to.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
You know, try to look at prome dresses in the
next few years. And that's just not where my mind
was or where my value was. My value when I
was in high school with everybody else's value wasn't the
same as mine. I just was trying to get from
day to day and try not to lunk in my classes.
(08:02):
I didn't tell her that school became very hard. I
even went to college just to be away from the house.
Like I did not go to college for education, and
I really went for social freedom, and I really went
for grief, to be able to grieve alone. And it
(08:24):
hit me in my last semester of my freshman year.
It hit me really hard, and I spent a full
year in mental darkness. And I can't tell it any
(08:47):
other way. I again hit me at nineteen years old.
I believe I was eighteen nineteen hit me where I
could feel that darkness again in my chest, and that's
where another set of chest pain started happening off and on.
(09:08):
I went to the doctor. I would try homeopathic methods.
I would try eating fruits and veggies, I fasted. Nothing worked,
and I did not know at the time what it was.
I just always thought it was medical. Again, coming from
where I come from, seeing someone pass away, I always
thought it was medical. Never in my life thought it
(09:32):
was mental, and never thought it was grief until I
entered into this field of psychology and counseling after college
and somebody pointed it out to me, Hey, it sounded
like a panic attack to me. By then, I was
(09:52):
twenty four years old and my colleague. I was telling
my colleague about it at the time. I never forget it,
and she was like, oh, it sounds like a panic attack.
It's like I ain't never had one of those, And
she said, no, I think that's what it was.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Never knew. I thought it was my gawbladder. Never knew.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
So that's the part I left out in my trauma
narrative with my therapist. And she was very much aware
that I left out some stuff. But you know, as
anybody else knows, therapy sessions last forty five minutes for me,
for my insurance, we get a lot done in forty
five minutes, and no longer it lasts a full hour
(10:41):
because you know, they have to take notes, so they
tack on their minutes to taking you know, notes and
all that stuff and putting in their notes and all
of that.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
I do understand that.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
So we get a lot done in forty five minutes,
and I am ever ever so grateful. So if you're
not in therapy, you have got to really step into
that space when you get ready when you get ready.
If you've contemplated it and that's on your goals, just
(11:13):
go ahead and do it. If you have never thought
about it, I advise you to think about it and
go ahead.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
And do it.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
I really, really wish I would have gotten counseling at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen,
twenty twenty one. All those life transitions, all divorce, all
young people issues, first jobs, graduation, grief, love. If I
(11:43):
was able to be able to talk about it to
somebody and be objective and to know what was going
on inside of me, that would have been a life
changing savior thing in my early twenties, in my thirties,
as it is now, as me being four and you guys,
(12:04):
don't have to stay in therapy forever if you don't
want to.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
It can be temporary, but.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I advise it as a therapist myself getting therapy, it
has been the best for me.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
So I advise you to take care of you.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Don't forget to eat well, drink your water, take your medicine,
go outside, enjoy these fall colors. If you are in
the US hemisphere, or you if you are in a
space that has all four seasons. Sometimes I doubt that
we have four seasons, but we have four seasons still
(12:45):
here in Nashville, Tennessee. Pray, meditate, be in silence if
you need to be around your family, people you love,
call your supportive people. Put down that alcohol, Put down
the drugs. Put down the sex, the things that you
(13:06):
have used to cover up the pain, things that you
have used to run away from the demons. Run away
from the feelings. Because I am now really realizing that
(13:28):
being in your feelings is not that bad.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Now. I know there are some people who use their
feelings to manipulate others.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
I mean not talking about that, but somebody like me
who would stuff their feelings down internal and not give
off any type of feelings because I did not feel
safe to say what I needed to say, and that
has damaged me in the relationships, and to swallow all
(13:59):
the time your feelings.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
It's not good.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Your feelings of grief, your feelings of not being accepted,
your feelings of loneliness, your feelings of anger, sadness, devastation,
the tears, the rage, the temper tantrums, the peace, the guilt,
(14:33):
the love, the laughter, all those feelings are important and
like my good friend says, joy and sadness can sometimes
live in the same house, and it's okay.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
It is okay.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Deep breaths. The memorial service yesterday went very well. I
was glad to be there. I felt like a twelve
year old kid all over again. The I would call
her my grandma. Her daughter was there, and her daughter
(15:20):
looks just like her, just like her, and I've lost
a significant amount of weight and I have not seen
the daughter in a few years, and my hair is different.
She didn't even know me. She didn't even recognize who
I was, and I was wondering why she was talking
(15:41):
to my dad and she was not talking to me
as I was standing next to him. And when someone
asked me or introduced themselves to me, and I introduced
myself to them, she overheard me say my name and
she said, oh, my gosh, I did not recognize you.
And then she puts her hands on my face and
(16:07):
her mom used to do that. She used to put
her hands on my face, like both her hands on
my face, as if she was holding a sculpture. And
it made me feel like a little kid again, because again,
like I said in yesterday's episode, this lady made me
feel like an important part of the world, important person,
(16:35):
A beautiful little girl.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
She made me feel like.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
And I was chubby as a kid, like my self
was seen was low and she never judged me on that.
And she always would say something, Oh, she's so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Her skin, your hair is so beautiful. She would oh, oh,
my sweet girl. She would just go on and own
and it was so pressed.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
And when our daughter did it with me last night
or yesterday, I just oh.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
I needed it.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I needed it, And I'm so glad that they had
the memorial service and it was beautiful and it and
captured everything that she was, everything that she was so
very loving and tweet and energetic and sense of humor.
(17:33):
So I just wanted to end on that nail. Now,
on that note, I love you, guys. Don't forget to
reach out to me if you want to be a
part of the podcast.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
So I have two in the queue.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
We'll get our lives together and we'll get it set
to where you guys can hear that conversation. And I'm
gonna get back on YouTube. It's just again being a
very busy year with starting a new job and trying
to navigate a balance between new job and life and
(18:08):
private practice and trying to take care of myself physically,
continue to go to the gym, drink my water, do
something with my hair and all of that stuff. But yeah,
love you guys, talk to you soon.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Happy November
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