Power Outage - The Wickerman (2006)

Harken! The mountain's four wise men/women left the summit to discuss Neil LaBute's The Wicker Man! Released in 2006, the film stars Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Molly Parker, and many others. It was filmed in the United States and was distributed by Warner Bros. Pictures! Enjoy your bi-weekly trip to Shaolin.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi everybody. This is justin thehoary Urchin and before we start our show,
i'd like to remind you to likeand subscribe to our podcast on iTunes.
Please give us a ranking, preferablyall the stars, and give us
a view, preferably glowing. We'dalso like to talk to all of our
listeners and answer any questions that youall might have, For example, why
do this or for what purpose?Or will Erica ever find love? Well?

(00:24):
Email us at the Heavenly Mandate allone word, the Heavenly Mandate at
gmail dot com. That's the HeavenlyMandate at gmail dot com, and maybe
you can be that special someone Ericahas been looking for. Without further ado,
onto the show. Welcome to theHeavenly Mandates. In the past,

(00:58):
we have come down from the mountainsand interrupted our study of Kung fud Reu
films of sundry quality for the wretchedand believered people of the earth. However,
today we are gathered here in conclaveto prepare sacred texts that might benefit
posterity. For hearken. A doomis set upon us, and we,
as the last great scholars of NicholasCage, must prepare against the inevitable.

(01:19):
Last month, deep in the sanctumof the Wudang Mountain, I consulted our
sacred oracle and hive mind chat GPTand asked our digital minions how exactly Nick
Cage would destroy our world? Andhere is what chat gpt fore told quote.
If Nick Cage were to destroy theworld, he might do so in

(01:40):
the following free ways. As apowerful sorcerer, Nick Cage is known for
his love of the supernatural and themystical. In this scenario, he would
become a powerful sorcerer using his extensiveknowledge of ancient spells, incantations, the
sum and dark forces, and unleashpowerful destruction magic that would bring about the
world's end. Chat GPTs also predictsthat he might use advanced technology. Nick

(02:04):
Cage has played several roles in moviesthat involve advanced technology, such as National
Treasure or the film Next. Inthis scenario, chat GPT predicts he could
develop a powerful technological weapon that couldtrigger a chain reaction capable of destroying the
world, such as a massive explosionor a black hole. Generators and jet
and chat and chet GPT also predictsthat he might unleash an accidental alien invasion.

(02:31):
In the movie Knowing Nick Cage,Nick Cage's character discovers a code predicting
a series of catastrophic events, includinga massive solar flare that would destroy the
Earth. In this new scenario,predicted he could become a catalyst for an
alien invasion that could wipe out humanityand potentially destroy the planet and so burden

(02:52):
the heavily mandate will pour over thehigh highs and the low lows and the
gooey, sticky middles of Nick Cage'sfilmog fee to prepare for the future and
give it hope. My name isjustin the Horiust of Virgins, and I
am joined today by wise Man Callen, the Drunken Master. How are you
doing, sir? I am I'mpretty up there. I'm pretty hyped.

(03:14):
I hope I prepared enough material becauseit feels like this is going to be
a big one. Wiseman Josh,the Deadliest of Venoms is here. How
are you doing? I am Cageraging in, very very excited about this
season. I think we're gonna Ifeel like we're gonna break out a bit
of a funk and explore some outof the cage and uh and folds of

(03:38):
our personalities that we didn't even knowwe're there. And Lady Destabs the Black
Widow Erica, how are you doing. I'm good. I'm just thinking of
about this season, Like I didn'tknow about the Nick Cage cultishness until being
on this podcast, and now I'mstarting to see his weirdness unfold, and

(04:00):
I think it's fun. So let'slet the games begin. Today we're reviewing
two thousand and six is The Wickerman. This film is a remake of a
classic and beloved British film of thesame name from nineteen seventy three. Fun
fact, eighty percent of the dialoguefrom this film actually comes from the original
movie. It's almost a word forword remake, except this film doesn't have

(04:23):
because yeah, it's huge. Exceptthis doesn't have Christopher Lee, which is
a minus major action. This filmstars Nicholas Cage as Edward Malice, Ellen
Burston as Sister Summers, Isle,Kate Bean as Sister Willow, and many
other actors and actresses like Leally's Sooviyevski, Francis Conroy, Molly Parker, and

(04:44):
a creep ubescent James Franco. Atthe end, Oh my god, that
was a surprise, cameo fo.Yeah, yeah, it's weird, but
still because he had been in SpiderMan before that. The it was directed
by Detroit's own Neil the Boot.Sorry. Warner Brothers Pictureds distributed it and

(05:13):
it broke even off its forty milliondollar budget. Today, I will be
leading you into the dark and ominousapiary that is Nick Cage's heart. So
fellas, pull out your dicks,Gallas, pull out your pussies, I
guess, slap them ships on thetable and sit back and enjoy. Wickerman.
Oh yeah, you all right?Nick Cage is. Nick Cage is

(05:44):
a Californian State Motorcycle highway cop hauntedby an accident and the death of a
braddy little girl he couldn't save,suffering from PTSD in the aftermatthews On lee
from the police department. One day, he receives a letter from his ex
fiance, Willow, informing him thathe now has a that she has a
daughter, and that the daughter ismissing and needs Nick Cage's help to find

(06:09):
her. It's a mystery as Willowand her daughter Rowan live on Summer's Aisle,
a tiny place in Puget Sound,and the girl couldn't have left the
island by itself. That's sort ofthe introduction of the film. One of
the things that I noticed is thatthe film must have spent all its money
hiring Nick Cage and Ellen Burnston,so they had to scrimp and save on

(06:30):
the police actors who were awful inthis film. I mean yeah, I
mean that was after we learned aboutthe five different studios. Oh yeah,
I was gonna say, there arethere are There are five studios here,
four of which I've never heard of. It took to make this movie.

(06:53):
Nicholas Nicholas Cage is co producing.He co produces this movie. Like Tier
three. It also uses that wonderfulpiratespont, which indicative of an amazing film.
Thank you for noticing the fonts thateven James Cameron was like, yeah,
it's probably good enough for my moviethat costs a billion dollars today.

(07:17):
You didn't want to fork for thefour thousand or five thousand dollars to commission
a unique font. They just wantedto fucking get done with it. Yeah
for five letters, anything else,just five letters would have been enough make
their own font. Yeah, spetypically thing it can be, I mean
necessary Erica still pressed from your mic. It was either that or comic sense.

(07:38):
To be honest, nessary, theywould have to commission a new font
for a movie. No, it'spretty, it's pretty normal, like for
your logo at least, not awhole font. But your logo shouldn't literally
look like you typed it into Windowsninety eight and just started going. But
logo is not the same as fun. No, it's not not at all.

(07:58):
You had your logo, your logowas going to buy default the your
lettering which is a funt so youknow, then diagram and like you want
a font that's legible and unique,clear and like that. That's just not
it, Like it's just something thatyou can get on Microsoft Word in nineteen
ninety eight. Isn't the kind offont you want to go with for like

(08:20):
a huge multimillion dollar film. Itjust makes less and less. It's wingdings
then you definitely or what or webdings like we use even exists? Like
why no idea? No, no, you're not allowed to use it in
graphic design at all. Yeah,what a weird thought. I remember,

(08:45):
Like who created it? How wasit allowed? Like is there ever an
instance that, I mean days thatit's I think in ash I've actually looked
this up. Why it exists.There is a legit reason it exists.
I don't remember what it is,if it's a coding or if it was
like a specific project. But itwas not a completely random project. Somebody
actually intended to make it for aspecific reason. So let us not detract

(09:11):
from the wing things creators in ourprocess here. The intro to this movie,
turns out, is quite indicative ofwhat the rest of the movie is
going to be. But it feelsexceedingly awkward. Like it's ten minutes of
not conversations. It's ten minutes ofpeople like kind of saying non sequitors back
and forth and then acting kind ofconfused at what each other said, justifiably

(09:35):
so, because why would you understandwhat you're talking about. I don't understand
why the whole introduction is even there, because like it seems like it's designed
to give him some sort of motivatingimpetus because he fails to save the girl,
but like death never an important partof the plot ever again, and
like the bodies just disappear, whichmakes no sense, So why have that

(09:58):
mystery to never fulfill it? Right? And it's just confusing that it's another
blonde girl the same age. Wellthat's like, yeah, it's confusing.
That's on purpose, But it's justconfusing because you're right because she does disappear,
So does that mean that it wasn'tactually that girl or was she not
there in the first place. Imean, this is one of those movies
that even from the beginning, sorryuh to the other male members of the

(10:24):
cast, this this feels like somelike for no reason, David Lynchy and
bullshit of like, yeah, I'mgoing to introduce something at the beginning that
like seems related to the rest ofthe plot, and then at the end
you're going to go but it wasn't. Why was Why was that even there?
It doesn't even need you need togive him a reason to have PTSD,
well kind of which makes sense,but like, but why does he

(10:46):
need PTSD to go do this?Yeah? I don't get that either.
I don't like, I don't understandwhy he just doesn't doesn't just get a
mysterious letter from his disappeared, whichwould be way more exciting and interesting.
I think it's interesting that you broughtup David Lynch Kellen because it takes place
in Washington, which is where ohyeah, Edward Collins. The music.

(11:13):
The music was done by Angelo Badaminte, who did all who does lot who
recently passed away, but he didall of Lynch's music as well, So
I wonder if they're leaning into that, like Lynch, is all of the
music as over the top as thismusic is through this movie, because this
is like a heavy handed, akind of oppressive score for what's going on.

(11:35):
It's the desert, dude, Idon't I don't need that big of
a push with the music through itto get its point across, would you
agree, Josh? I mean thatthat's pretty indicative of how Angelo Badaminte does.
His score is in Lynch's film,but Lynch is just a much better
director and knows how to use itin a way that makes to be honest,
I didn't even realize it was well, then, okay, I'm picking

(11:58):
up on all the all the thegrownd vibes that I was supposed to,
but no one else did. Ifeel like this is kind of bad,
bad trying to be David Lynch alittle bit. Yeah, yeah, I
mean, if this weren't already basedon a previous property, I would still
say they're maybe trying to tap intothe same ideas or not ideas, the

(12:20):
same kind of vibe, like let'ssay this old project but updated with the
David Lynch feel. So there's youknow, we had to give basically this
intro so that we can give Edas I'm going to call him something to
flash back to every ten minutes Nicknick ed in this case, I'm gonna

(12:43):
call him Ed. What's what's alsointeresting is that like this film was full
of I mean, kell you callhim like you see said non secutters in
terms of how people are talking toeach other, but like plot non secrets,
like he buys a self help tapethat comes up later, but like

(13:03):
only in the context that it wasstolen, but like it never it doesn't,
it never shows up again. Itdoesn't have any there's there's no payoff
or there's not why I was stolen, right, or why I was stolen.
Yeah, that's true, especially especiallywith a culture that apparently doesn't use
tapes. So I'm not even surewhat what their attraction to it would have

(13:24):
been, Like initially, well we'llget to there, but like I assumed
it would because of some sort ofaudio surveillance reasons, and I'm like,
oh, you mean like self helptapes? What why would you bother with
that? So yeah, we getinstead, we get these like phantom moving
family that shows up on the roadwhile the same menacing semi or dump truck

(13:50):
goes by like four or five times, and this is the kind of stuff
like that. Immediately immediately like Okay, this feels like something from from David
Lynch, Like what is going on? Why is the same truck going by
over and over again and getting closerand closer. It feels it feels like

(14:13):
it's trying to set up something forlater in the movie, like some bigger
My brain, I'm very I'm verypre inclined to believing that a movie is
going to have something to do withtime looping or like some sort of inadvertent
time travel, so I always startthinking that way when stuff like this happens

(14:33):
in the movie. So my brainwas immediately like, Okay, this is
his daughter from the future and thistruck was always going to kill her.
So he's like seeing some sort ofpre pre delay, like visual pre delay
like music does of like he's seeingechoes from the future, and it's just

(14:54):
like going to mess with his perceptionof time for the rest of the movie,
Like it's extremely annoying. He's alsothe jumpiest cop I've ever seen,
like before before this incident, thePTSD incident, and after like any noise,
he literally like goes, huh,like the phone rang, oh,

(15:18):
all right, all right, thephone rang. Oh, someone's at the
window. Shit, okay, Likehe seems like he would be the kind
of cop who probably shot a lotof things by accident, but he almost
not to say anything about that.But for all that being said, he
is a cop who very rarely drawshis guns, So maybe this is a

(15:39):
good indication he knows he's an extremelyedgy policeman and cannot cannot draw a gun
because he will. I love howlike the female cop shows up and like
it kind of they're kind of awkwardvibes as if they might be like I
thought I thought they were exits.Literally the whole time I was like,

(16:00):
is this the ex wife? LikeI thought they must have been exces to
each other. I got the sensethat she liked him and he was just
kind of clueless. But why youwould have that? What's the point that
it's not even reason for anything?It seems like it would be a story

(16:22):
point, and yet on we go. So then he receives this random This
is as far as we are right, this random letter quote unquote, which
is obviously a printed piece of paperwith a font on it. It's definitely
not it's definitely not a hand not. Did you guys test the watt seal?

(16:44):
Yeah, I could see it,but I was watching something from our
good friends in Russia, so theresolution was very low, so I so
I could not see what the sealconsisted of. I could just see that
there was one. What was it? I just it was It was just
like an old school like you know, steal with a you know, back
in the mean it's trendy now,I mean, was it trending in the

(17:12):
nine there's some hipster is probably thedawn of the hipster. So yeah,
I know the only time I've gottenthe wax steel was from like a former
friends, slash sort of creep orsoccer guy, and he I hadn't written

(17:33):
letter and he stealed it in cranwax. Literally it was like cran wax.
That was And who says romance isdead? Yeah, But also he
points out that somehow it did nothave any postage mark on it, no
stamp, and it gets to thestation anyways. And again, which doesn't

(17:56):
really mean again because again it seemslike this is supposed to be something and
we never see any payoff for that, like so is the is wait are
you saying USPS is part of this? They send internal correspondence around without it
being properly postmarked. I'm a bigfan of films that have I don't like

(18:19):
neatly ended films or films that clearup every plot point like I think to
me, it diminishes the realism ofcertain things. But at a certain point,
like You're Not, you have tolike payoff some dishes about how you
use them. You can't have everythe first twenty minutes of the film just
be one nonsense thing after another,because life is not like that either,

(18:40):
you know what I mean? Itmakes no sense. Something something led to
the thing, like even the firsteven the first five minutes of every Simpsons
episode lays one piece of groundwork sothe rest of the episode could happen,
even though the rest of it usuallyhas nothing to do with the plot.
But like You're You're, You're supposedto put down this one. I guess

(19:00):
maybe they're literally following Simpson's rules.Like so the one thing is he's called
to Washington. Everything else around it, it doesn't have to make any any
relevance, But we're gonna look atso many red herrings for you to figure
out or not figure out down theroad. We have to. We do
have to admit though, that NickCage does have nice legs in those biker

(19:21):
pants. Those are some nice legs. He makes a good motorcycle rider.
And then the leather jacket, allthat comes together quite nicely for him.
Got those nice thighs that you justwant wrapped around you. Some do,
some don't, okay, But notto detract from the job perse that Nicholas

(19:45):
Cage is wearing, but his theguy he goes again with us, running
through these endless scenes that seem toserve no purpose, going into the station,
going into the station to like followup on the letter he has received,
and talking to I guess his oldpartner or someone he's pretty familiar with
the department. This scene provides nothing. There is nothing is furthered as far

(20:11):
as the plot goes. It's literallyjust like a ten minute conversation that doesn't
do anything except to establish that,for some reason his partner living in California.
Mind you, as we are ledto believe all of them do so,
not the most hay seed bumpkin ofstates, Like now that there aren't
parts that are, of course therecertainly are, But his number one contention

(20:36):
is summers Isle. Who's ever heardof that? That can't be a real
place. I've ever heard of summersIsle? What are you an idiot?
That's got to be fictional, Likeit's fucking Alice in Wonderland. He just
reprints and he's supposed to be apolice officer. That already kind of started

(20:57):
to break the moment right there thathe literally does no background research, Like
he goes he does like a simpleGoogle search, but then he goes to
the police department, in which hehas awesome authorities to look at anything he
wants, using criminal databases like nomissing Like you'd think that if this,

(21:18):
if this's a missingiety was doing whatit was doing? Yeah, Like is
this child registered as missing anywhere?Or do I am no? I That's
why That's why, ultimately you cantell, even from this early point in
the story that this movie probably worksa lot better in rural Scotland in the

(21:41):
seventies. Then it works as anupdated modern thing in the US like this,
a lot of these details are believableif it's like the seventies in UK,
it's not believable as being the twothousands in America. Like yeah,
I'm sure that's what he would dothe Internet, Like yeah, yeah.

(22:03):
The original takes place on an islandoff the coast, and it's like it's
hard to get there. It's isolated, you know, like it makes its
in the Hebrides, which are adifficult island chain to get. I mean,
I will say if I was goingto pick a place in the US
to set it, Huget Sound isn'ta bad place because there are some pretty
remote parts of it. Like Iwent to two islands there. It does

(22:26):
feel pretty remote as far as likeyou know, there's American civilization in Seattle
only a few miles away, butit does feel remote, but not like
island islands of Scotland feels remote,and like, yeah, there's a very
kind of in like middle of nowhereAlaska or something like that that is like
like the like the yeah, theArchipela go off of like Juno or something

(22:49):
that would be believable. You cando, and you can kill a lot
of people up there and no onewill know in and that's what you're supposed
to do in Alaska. As faras I'm gonna where you go to kill
people, I don't share what youdo over there. It's it's where you
go to kill people, or whereyou go if you killed people. That's

(23:10):
either way. It's American, it'sour frontier. It's our last refuge of
the outlaw and the highwaymen. No, no, I don't know. But
like if there was an old navalbase some ways up Puget Sound that was
big during World War Two, ifyou go past that, Puget Sound is

(23:34):
very remote, like there is,there's only isolated communities still do the day
as far as I know. Solike there, it's a good it's a
good place, except this kind ofthing. There's an actual Summer Island in
Scotland, as Calm pointed out,and it's where it really takes place,
and so it makes sense there,but not anywhere in the United States.

(23:56):
Nick Cage bribes and conjols his wayto Summer Island, where he encounters a
somewhat insular and created Clannish group ofmen or women and men, led by
a woman named Sister somemmers Isle.The inhabitants are standoffish, reticent, and
passive passively aggressive hostel to Nick Cage. They claim to know nothing or little

(24:17):
of Rowan, but they direct himto towards a place to stay, where
he encounters Willow for the first timein years. He starts big dicking everyone
inside the inside the hotel, Iguess, and then kills the bee.
Oblivious is oblivious to everyone's reaction.I'm not cool. Why there's a hotel?
Yeah? Many, many, atleast I was. I wasn't even

(24:38):
clear what it's supposed to be,like a hotel or an inn or something
like whatever this is. It seemslike an unnecessary establishment. Why would an
isolated, privately owned, cult controlledisland be like, but you know what,
we need an Airbnb. I thinkwe're gonna catch I think I think

(24:59):
woul catch all these dumb ass tourists. Maybe we can throw them in something.
It was pretty adorable. I wouldI would like to stay there if
they didn't kill me, you knowwhat I mean? It's really nice.
Yeah, it seems like it doesseem like a great place to stay.
If you don't know the cult levelof what's going on right in I know,

(25:23):
I actually you could blend. Youcould blend. We'd have to we'd
have to do something. I mean, I had to say, except for
like the crazy aspect, you know, female dominated colony like community, like
bohemian hippie outfits and braids and stuff. I'm like, finally, if like

(25:47):
rills and decoration and all the flourishes, that seems like the exact opposite of
what you do, you know Ihave. I don't know. I like
that, but I also like thebohemian kind of hippie thing, like the
flowy curls and like the dresses.That's a little of mix. Only fans
know. Many layers do you prefer? I feel Erica is planning the seeds

(26:14):
to eventually justify murder by the endof this house. Anyway you want to
Mennonite or have a ballroom. Ifeel like Eric would be hilarious. I
think I'm just too lazy though onsome level, like I think that's something

(26:36):
to be super into it. Andthen other than just like I don't go
ahead kill them, I don't carewhatever, don't Eric would ge annoyed one
day and just like Jim Jones everyonebecause she's annoyed that you know who Jim
Jones is kool Aid? Drink thekool aid? That guy, oh,

(26:57):
that guy. Yeah, because youonly because you were bored and annoyed to
be like, yeah, drink thatarsenic. I don't care, do it.
And then they'd all just be deadthe next day, and then you
would have a cult worry about it. But I would from Richard, Indiana,
all the fantastic things to come fromIndiana. I've been doing grave.

(27:18):
Oh yeah, it's pretty on it, not on it. Did you leave
a little kool Aid pack that?No, you just dust, just dust
a little lout for those on theon the ground, do a line of
it, feel them out for myhommide. I still got to get fired

(27:45):
if I did ship like that.I mean probably not. That's true,
that's true. But yeah. Solike we get to the docks or whatever.
I'm not sure where the nearest portis supposed to be. I suppose
it's like rural outer Seattle most likely, and then we get some serious Scooby
Doo vibes. We meet, wemeet an old We meet an old coadure

(28:10):
with a strange accent. We're notsure what it is. It's some form
of an English accent, and hegives foreboding but also vague words about the
island, but then immediately takes acouple of Finskis to smuggle this dude onto
the island when they literally know it'sprobably the only way someone would get to

(28:33):
the island. So he's not coveringhis tracks whatsoever, you know. I
mean, this is a small assbride for like such a dangerous mission.
I mean, because he seems tobe like enough of the stereotypical old cojure
that he knows shit be afoot whenyou get to this island, So it
doesn't really seem like he would beeasily taken as like, yeah, the

(28:59):
random you know, Cajun boat guywho's like, oh, I'll take you
sure, and you just like handhim fifty bucks and he just drives you
out to the island and then drivesback like he's going to keep making his
apparently daily supply runs and be like, oh, yeah, I don't know
that that other white dude just showedup on your island. And also must

(29:23):
be said, it must really besaid, Ed is about the poorest undercover
Ish detective you've ever seen like heHe he chooses to wear a suit to
a rural island in the first place, presumably because he doesn't really understand how
to be undercover and like wear adisguise, but then as soon as he's

(29:45):
there he reveals his identity anyways,so the suit makes even less sense than
it did when he left where hewas going from, Like, you knew
where you were going, dude,what I at the beginning he thought he
was going to play it that way. I don't think a state police officer

(30:06):
has extra territoriality. In others theydon't. Well, if I learned one
thing from John Elaine, it's thatall you have to do is show up
in another jurisdiction and start shooting peopleand it's totally fine. He definitely doesn't,
which thankfully is brought up. Thisis a movie that is so strange
because there's several cases were like theobvious thing you're thinking as an audience member

(30:32):
someone does bring up in the movieis like, you don't even really have
authority, do you, Like you'reyou're a cop from a different state.
That's not even You're not even supposedto be here enforcing the law and then
he repeatedly is like, I'm apolice officer, I'm representing a legal case
here, and they're like sort ofbut not really, dude, you are
not really dude, Like you,I understand and driven in your case.

(30:56):
There's some justice behind what you're doing, but you're gonna have a hard time
holding this up in court if you'reany lawyer. It's going to be assible.
Any Yeah, any lawyer is goingto be able to throw out half
of what you've collected because you're like, oh, I was just acting on
my own and a suspicion. Terriblebasis for a legal case, especially for
the prosecution. The defense might getaway with it, but Jesus, like,

(31:19):
you're not going to prosecute somebody onthis. I mean, but you
know, suspension of disbelief for thesake of a story. How about that
bag though? What's what's in thatbag? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,

(31:41):
they're just chalking that up. I'mclear unclear, Another another red err for
your life. Well, oh thatwas way better. That was way better.
Yeah, you're gonna have to justput your mouth in the microphone.

(32:01):
Yeah, or I should say,explain what the bag is? He shows
up on this island, the weirdosand they're holding the bat it's like a
blanket that's that they're holding up withsomething in it that's like kind of moving
and bleeding. And he's telling themhe's there to solve like a missing person,

(32:21):
you know, like something ominous,and it's kind of laugh and but
they never and they joke that they'regoing to show him what's in it,
and they don't show him right,right, They even they like lure him
in, give him a fucking jumpscare. And then he's not like,
no, but really, what's inthe bloody canvas that you are carrying between
you? He says, Oh,what is it a shark or something?

(32:45):
Yeah, And it's a shark ina tart And then we drug up from
Puget Sound, which is ninety percentfresh water in the north. It's a
shark. It's weird. This isa weird. Weird decisions abound in this
film. Even if you did ajump scare, you didn't pay it off.

(33:05):
I've showing the audience, like everyfilm, show us the entire history
of warriors, show us something upright. Instead, it's like an unfulfilled
jump scare, which is like thestupidest of all scares, and meantime,
it just makes it makes it immediatelysets this weird tone for that. For

(33:27):
the Islanders, there are summer tests, whatever the fuck their cult is called,
being like the shadiest, most sussweird people you could ever encounter right
off the bat and Nicholas, I'msorry, Ed is not immediately I'm going
to go back to the mainland rightnow because I guarantee, because I can

(33:51):
guarantee I can come back here withactual Washington stateies and we will bust you
for something. Something is up here, just just based on the way you're
I mean, I get him beinga rogue agent initially, so like there's
no one to back him up.That makes some kind of sense, but
like it's it's so shifty the momenthe arrives, like any cop in any

(34:19):
situation, she'd be like, I'mgonna get back on that plane. I'll
be back in like one hour.Watch even just a normal person, like
I keep counting that vibe, justlike I'm gonna dip out for a bit,
I'll be back later, you knowwhat I mean. Like I'm not
gonna I'm gonna give him a moment. I want to see what this is
about see what the what these surlywomen with silent men carrying around bloody bags

(34:47):
is about. I want to seewhat they're doing. It'll be fine.
I'm sure they'll stop murder. Andthen yeah, he go and then he
goes into the end. That's likeor the whatever the watching house is.
That's like five kinds of fire alarmsand a parade of red flags of just

(35:10):
what is going on here? Thisis so bizarre? And his response is
to give a big man's speech andthen kill a bee and walk upstairs Like
I am, though, if I'mgoing to that island, I am like
I am as a dude liking myeyes. There's a lot of ladies to
guys, and on terms of ratioin that island, I'm gonna get I'm

(35:32):
going somewhere with something. I mean, you do stand a statistically superior,
but it also I mean, I'msorry. Like you get on an island
and you start like sussing out what'sgoing on around you, you also have
to probably look at this scenere andgo, wait, is there a certain

(35:52):
sexuality thing going on here that I'mnot part of? I may have this,
this may not be the island I'msupposed to be on the odds are
good, but the good they're odd. That's on the billboard as you land.
Nice. Yeah, that's my engineeringfriend told me about, like,

(36:14):
uh, women that enter like thatstudy engineering, like when they go to
the just so wait in terms ofit, they're dating anyone, you know,
Like there was like one dudes rightexactly so them, Yeah, okay

(36:34):
sure. Encouraged by his lost loveWillow, nick Cage starts questioning the villagers
about Rowan and learns that the honeyis a key export of Summer Island or
Isle, and that the island suffereda honey blake the year previous. The
villagers take turns lying and evading hisquestions. However, things start looking incongruous.

(36:55):
For example, the teacher and thestudent claim that at the local bilage
claim that they don't know who Rowanis. He grows irate when he discovers
her name in the classroom register.Uh, there's a random fresh grave.
Some claims that Rowan burned to death, but Willow says that's all false.
Nick Cage breaks into a house anddiscovers that Roan was part of a fertility

(37:15):
ritual, a ceremony that might beconnected to her disappearance. We learned that
Nick Cage put a baby in Willowand that baby was Rowan mystery compounds upon
mystery and Nick Cage gets increasingly angry. It's building, all right, slow
burn, but that was class burn. So now we're gonna go back through
and break that down. That's that'shalf plot. Favorite line in the whole

(37:44):
movie. One of my favorite linesis phalex symbol phaalx symbol, phallax symbol.
How did he go back? Iwas like, how Nick Cage demands
from well a straight answer and shedoesn't give him a straight answer, And

(38:07):
I mean, okay, So let'sso to break down the character of Willow.
Just to begin with, Willow Woodwardis pretty yes, I can't from
Australian. Oh is she? Lotsof bunch of criminals. We're hot.

(38:30):
Aussie's end up disproportionately hot because they'refrom the prisoner population of a given nation
and empire. So you end upbeing a great melting pot of people.
So you end up hot. Goodfor her and all the rest of you.
But okay, first question I hadAnyways, I'm not saying first question

(38:52):
on the overall analysis, but thefirst question that I had while watching on
the first go was did this womanactually see the script before shooting or was
she being fed the lines as theycame up to play off of Nicholas Cage,
because it it felt extremely silted andso bizarre when they talked of like,

(39:16):
she doesn't even sound like she knowswhat words she is saying. She's
just like sited them back at himin response to his questions. And then
I wonder, I wondered because Inoticed that too. I wonder if it's
because she's Australian and doesn't doesn't Englishwith all the wallabies and didger duos and

(39:42):
donkey dorks or whatever the fucking languageis down there. Yeah, when you
grow up speaking when you grow upspeaking Marsupia, Yeah, it's herd.
That's a tonal language in English.Right. We really need to, We
really need to in order to combatthe modern climate. We need to bring
back the inter white hatred, likethe a complete rejection of other people of

(40:07):
the same background as we are.We need to bring back outraged caucacity.
So well, the bigger point inthat is that she's an Australian doing a
American American English. That's not hard. I wonder if that I don't know

(40:27):
the Australian actor. You know,No, it's not, is it really
is that the easiest Australian to Americanis one of the easiest, like white
languages to like switch your accent,and most Australians can also do an English
accent. Once you have to askthem to do like Irish or Scottish or
like a specific American regional one,that gets harder. But if they want

(40:51):
to do generic Australian to generic Americanis like one of the easiest white interchange
languages to use, because we're Ihave a friend who's from Australia who's going
to listen to this hopefully, butwhenever I see him, I always ask
asked, how's the weather in Wellington? And you gets so pissed. I
also assume they can imitate each other'slanguages because they're like Canada to us,

(41:15):
so like we all know how todo that New Zealand Australia's Canada, you
know, Like I live in Londonfor half a year and like I still
honestly cannot tell the difference between anEnglish accent and really or an Irish or

(41:39):
it's a pretty big different like likeScottish Irish is one. I can't tell
the different dialect Australia very parallel,but like overall it's not usually too different.
I mean, it's kind of embarrassing, but like I'm like, oh,
yeah, that's obviously Australian. Andthen it's like obviously I don't know

(41:59):
how I get to make that's reallystrange. It is, right. I've
watched enough like Asian cinema now thatI can tell the difference between languages just
by hearing a few words and basedon sort of tonality and word creature and
things like that. It's just weirdthat you don't know the difference, Eric,
because they're all your language. Iknow. Well, I think it's

(42:21):
like a super push like royal accent. Oh yeah, like Harry Potter,
then you can tell Harry Harry Potteris he speaks in the Queen's English.
Everyone all that's the same, Likethe Queen's English is Harry and Hermione.
And then Ron speaks in like aWest Country not Suffolk, but no shit,

(42:46):
I'm talking about he speaks. Hespeaks in a oral dialect. Harry
and Hermione us like perfect perfect Queen'sEnglish, like that's the way they talk.
Now back to the alright, therewas one of the things I'm going
to keep going on Willow, becauseWillow is struggling. Willows beautiful as beautiful

(43:07):
and maybe Australian as she is.This is her setup, which again by
the end we know is kind ofnonsense. But that and then perhaps that
explains the transparency of this setup.So her daughter is gone missing, she
doesn't believe dead. You think she'sstill here. You tell your ex husband

(43:32):
not to trust anyone, but youalso can't figure out you might have taken
her on the island she couldn't haveescaped from, and you don't trust anyone,
Like this is the dumbest setup fortrying to create a mystery. And
then she just nothing to work with. She like send them a weird letter

(43:55):
and then raise into an island whereeveryone talks the mystery and like he's just
asking for like basic information, andshe plays along with a mystery game and
it's like, listen, honey,do you want help or not? Because
I don't have time for the riddle? Right, And in retrospect, it
all makes sense, It makes itmakes too much sense because like if she's

(44:20):
playing a long the whole time.Spoiler alert for people in three hours when
we finally get to the end ofthis movie. But like, this should,
I guess, set off all kindsof flags as you're as a detective
to me, like why don't youknow anything about anything? You're just suspicious
on ambiguous hunches and are assuring methis kid is alive who no one else

(44:44):
will acknowledge exists. It feels weird. It may be that police are just
fucking stupid and that's why they goafter the police because they don't ask basic
like questions. Like it's just soweird because like, as a cop,
aren't you trained to ask pertinent questionsand then to keep following follow up,
but follow up because because he doesask lots of pertinent questions, it lets

(45:08):
everyone get away with literally it is. It gets far worse as the movie
goes on, but even at thispoint, I'm like, I am becoming
infuriated at the fact that nobody saysyes or no to any question, and
he never even if he follows upwith what the fuck do you mean say

(45:28):
yes or no, he doesn't pursueit until someone gives him a yes or
no. And also I don't carethat all these people are lying, like
they know in the aftermath they're goingto commit crimes anyways, they know they're
going to kill someone anyways. Whygive all these weird, ambiguous answers when

(45:50):
you could just be like, no, we didn't do that, Like you're
trying to deny why until the thingworks out? Why would you be like
maybe and just look away, orlike maybe if I giggle maniacally at the
end of the question, it's fine. Like this feels like an extremely strange

(46:14):
way to go about setting up someone, Like you want to create suspicion,
you want to like draw them in. But this is eight billion red flags
that if Tom Cruise was the copin this movie, he would have went
now by, I'm just gonna callsomeone in or I'm gonna kick all wrote
like I'm yeah, Like it feelslike it feels like people doing dinner theater

(46:40):
weren't quite sure how to make somethingintriguing without giving away what they're up to,
Like yeah, they feel like ifthis is part of their society,
shouldn't they be better at like sortof faking it, going halfway giving hints
without like they literally just sound likecreepy weird stereotypes and non sequit are surreal

(47:05):
people. We're like, I wouldnever go with anything these people said at
all. It's like, if theif the sack, I'm kind of giving
a little bit of water. Butif the mystery or the sacrifice requires this
guy coming to the island to dothat's he has to go on his own
free will. I guess you've alreadyachieved that. So what's the screen of

(47:29):
doing everything else? Right? They'rejust fucking I thought we didn't want to
say that, Toby, Yeah beforeIt's okay, it was. There's the
way he was going to leave theisland. He's in there from like minute
twenty two, So like, whydo you have to drag this out for

(47:50):
another day and a half of belike, oh, look at this,
Maybe this is your daughter, maybeit's not. Is it gonna matter?
Not? Really? Like they literallyit just confirms they literally could put a
little one of the fucking children ofthe corn down at the dock in a
red sweater and she could have joggedup to the fucking futil fire at the

(48:15):
beginning, and he could have followedher the whole way, and they've been
like, we got you, fuckoff and then just broke and broke his
legs. That's it. Game over, the movie's done, Like, what
what is the investigation? Like fromtheir perspective of their they wanted, the
sacrifice is more meaningful if you bringout more freakouts. It just confirms that

(48:43):
women are needlessly cruel and they willalways be needing, even in positions of
power. Agree agree, I meanI didn't see anything to contradict that.
So yeah, but this, butthis is also the point where it starts

(49:06):
to go to the point of justthis is more weird than creepy, Like
most of this isn't that scary.It's just even that off putting. It's
just like kind of it's aiming tobe unsettling, but it just ends up
being more like I mean, likeinstead of going through every little piece they

(49:27):
said, we just want to like, we real that was super nonsensical.
So should we really jump to theend so we can just talk about how
that's not your style and who haveyou been co opted by? I know
you're taking you very literally. Ifwe do that, we skip over the

(49:52):
classic hidden produce jump scare in thebar when you pull a tart back and
it's just tomatoes, waiting for you. I mean, I'll just say like
this. I remember I ticed toyou guys, and I was like,
this looks really scary, Like thetrailer looks really scary at all. The

(50:12):
only thing that was like scary wasin the beginning that PTSD scene when he
watches that woman daughter get in acar accident. But that's in the tram.
And then we have like a prolongedlike creeping around into a dark barn
with like a trapdoor that leads nowhere, kind of a metaphor for how most
of the middle part of this moviegoes. It's just a trap doors nowhere

(50:37):
because it does it just keeps happeningover and over again without really we can
like start glossing a little bit,I think in this middle section because it
is just like repetitive information that you'relike, we're not establishing a whole lot
in these new scenes. It's justlike the setup happens again, and he's
like, wait, is she alive? Did she exist? And then we're

(50:59):
like, yeah, probably because thesepeople are shady and weird. And then
we go on and the same thinghappens over and over again. Yeah,
you know, I made Jana andMaddox watch this film, and I warned
them. I said, like,you're gonna have to set for an hour
before it gets really good. Andit's one of those films like I wish
that they had just kept up thepacing if they had, you know,

(51:20):
if things had gone quicker, ifthe you know, like the minute he
got to the island, shit startedgoing down and he was trying to figure
out on the run and he's beingchased. You know, just anything that
keeps the momentum going, because thenyou get a really nice climax that sort
of makes works. I think,Yeah, it's just so slow and so
repetitive, and like a third ofthose scenes could have been cut and it

(51:43):
would have fixed the pacing. Andmaybe you're not so much spending so much
time dwelling on all the weird shitthat's not making sense as you're watching it,
right, I mean, because yeah, you get like it feels it
It kind of trades in this ideathat it feels like it's building something,
and then over and over again you'relike, oh, is that going to
connect to anything we previously saw.No, it's it's like each city was

(52:07):
built independently of other ones, andthen and then he goes like to the
schoolhouse and his immediate thought is,why is there an extra desk? There's
no way the number of students variesfrom year to year. There's a certain
of desks that exists in your schoolat any given time. And then you

(52:31):
could have at least gone for likea sort of clever like Lewis Carroll pun
somewhere in here, like why isa raven in a writing desk? And
they didn't even they didn't even gofor that explained there's just a raven in
a writing desk for no fucking reason. And he's like, that's cruel,

(52:51):
correct, So is this supposed toindicate? This is like how they train
the children ahead of time to accepthuman sacrifice. They like, yeah,
it's the next step, I mean, speaking from psychology, yes, of
course it is first to torture animals, and then you torture people and then
you kill them, et them sometimes. But it feels like there's so many

(53:15):
things that are sort of implied,and then they're like, well, we
don't feel like carrying through with that, just keep going on. And also
what is the deal? What isthe deal with lely Sovietski? Why is
she in this movie. She's yeah, she was a big well she was
just becoming big when this came out, she wasn't huge. Now we know
who she was, and she's gorgeousand everything, but like, why did

(53:38):
that character even happen? Like noidea, Like I get if she's there
to like so doubt or like she'sthe temptress or something like that, but
she's literally is she supposed to belike kind of brain damaged or something good?
I had a similar thought. Ithought I wrote my note simple bitch

(53:59):
question away and never never worked out. She just she kind of seems like
touched by God. And I triedto play that both ways of like okay,
so does she have like something likewrong sreeperly or is she supposed to
be like, you know, likein touch spiritually with like whatever their weird
god is or something like this.And then it's like two scenes and she

(54:22):
vanishes for the rest of the timeuntil she shows up for the best fight
scene, which we're gonna get to. We're in season five. I've been
part of this for like four ofthem. I don't think I've ever seen
especially telling you lit up like we'regoing and you're this whole Noli God,

(54:50):
this is I think my favorite sequenceis when he breaks into uh, the
matriarch's house. It's just gone throughrooms and there's like this weird guy with
like gross silver's body laying in abed, and then there's the naked lady
covered with bees. I was waitingfor candy Man to jump out. I

(55:16):
knew something about it seemed familiar.I didn't put it together. That was
it. Very nice, very practic, practicing, no situations practicing, no
situational awareness for a guy allergic tobees, and that cage bikes directly into
a bee's nest and some succumbs toan anaphylactic shock. Luckily, he's revived
and meets Sister summer Isle, theLeader. She is the spiritual heart of

(55:39):
the colony and represents the mother Goddess. To her claim, well, okay
at that point something first, Yeah, but don't worry about it. Yeah,
but she's it's character. I've admitteda lot. My narrative is tight.

(56:00):
Yes, Luckily she's revived. He'srevived. Luckily he's revived and meets
Sister summer Isle, the Leader.She's the spiritual heart of the colony and
represents the Great Mother Goddess. Welearned literally, ooh, nice, she's
the Beyonce. No, no,the Queen Bee. Like I get it.

(56:24):
I guess No, I got it, Erica, Oh, I know,
I got from me. We learnthat the sect initially came from the
British Isles long ago, before settlingin Salem before persecution drove them out into

(56:47):
the West in the eighteen fifties.Nick Cage learns that the island is primarily
female and the men are used asworkers, slash drones and for procreation.
Nice noise. It's yeah, Idon't get what's going on. So fuch.
It's implied that they killed the weakand low value males, which is

(57:08):
kind of makes me anxious. It'sthe opposite of the Spartan system. Yeah,
it really is. Saying his goodbyeis to Sister summer Isle. He
goes to dig up Rowan's grave andfinds a burnt doll. Then he hears
noises from a flooded crypt and hefinds rowan sweater and gets locked inside all

(57:30):
night until Willow saves him in themorning. Okay, here's what I want
to talk about that. Okay,but so watching that right, like that's
a scary scene, like he goesdown the scariest overall scene like that.
Yeah. So he goes down right, and he somehow, you know,

(57:52):
he finds her, her wet puddyand decides he needs to go underneath.
And it has like it has likea cage, not a cage, like
a cover on top a great andhe goes in there. You can just
I knew this was going to come. And it's a very Titanic moment.
It was very stressful, you know, exactly when you go down and say

(58:15):
people and I get caught. Andthen I said to my roommate, I
was like, I said, what'sgonna happen? Is one of those weirdos
is going to come down and watchthem in there, and then Will is
going to come and rescue him andlo and behold, I am se Yeah,

(58:36):
there we go. I'm tired.Yeah, And and I just I
don't understand now, I mean,I've given what we know happens later.
I don't understand that scene, butnone of it makes sense at all.
But why why why why would youdo that? And frankly, it sounds

(58:57):
like that death would have been preferableto other Yeah, but that is a
sacrifice so yeah, well they didit a purpose. I think the burning
is essential, which will come later. Yeah, also too Titanic, very
clearly just pool water the whole time. Definitely definitely not dirty natural water pouring.

(59:21):
And I'm like, that is chlorinatedpool water that you have in this
scene. It's still creepy, it'sstill scary, like to be trapped under
there, but I'm like, it'slike aquamarine water you're trapped in. That's
not that only occurs in like theCaribbean sometimes, so slightly cut the edge

(59:43):
off, but yes, same thing. I'm like, don't go in the
water. You're a dipshit. Youalready literally also in the previous scene jumped
in the water in a hallucination.Then also in reality he did both.
He didn't cover anything, well,he cover a ghost ground child girl,
which is a standard scary thing todo, and then went back down and

(01:00:07):
then five minutes later had dry clothesas he walked to another place. So
I'm not sure any of the otherthing that reminded me of. Let's see
if you guys to pick up onthe same thing I did exactly, and
I was like, oh my god, no, no, yeah, it's

(01:00:30):
one hundred that same kind of vibe, and that came out a few years
after The Ring did the first.This is after, so they definitely are
cashing in on that a little bit, because yeah, that the Yeah,
yeah, this definitely is maybe tradingon your fear of it, even though

(01:00:52):
they don't pay it off. Theyknow you're going to be a little bit
afraid of it if they show theidea, because yeah, the girl didn't
come alive and didn't crawl out ofan electronic device. But it's like they
don't know how to make a horrormovie, so let's do this shitty ass
mystery. But they can't do mystery, so let's bleed into the shitty ass

(01:01:13):
horror film. So like it's likethey can't decide what they want to do.
And you know, like the firstWickerman is a really good folk I
mean it created a whole genre ofor popularized the whole genre of folk horror.
Like it works, and like thisfilm doesn't know what it wants to
be because it's a shitty remake bya shitty fucking director who doesn't fucking know
how to make a move. Youreally feel just I don't want to Nick

(01:01:42):
Age gives one of the best linereadings in this a section though, how
to get burned? How to getburned? Amazing an amazing What do you
mean by lin like the way?The way just exactly what you mean,
which only, which only is acounter to how weirdly blase his opposite is

(01:02:09):
in this whole thing. It seemslike, I again, you can sort
of retroactively justify it by what theentire premise of the movie is. But
if this is like a norm,if this is how this thing works,
acting like you never have any ideawhat anything is going on and just seeming

(01:02:29):
like you're on the ninth level ofsmoking the best weed you've ever seen,
just seems like this doesn't it's gonnait will build the frustration on the person,
But depending on the person, youmight end up with a bad reaction
from them, Like it was itwas not actually illegal in Washington State.
Oh no, definitely goes on SummerIsland, right, Apparently it's you can

(01:02:55):
just be like out of your fuckinggore the entire time you're there. Because
she she plays like dazed and confusedto such a degree. I was like,
He's like, why does everyone smelllike skunk? Here? Like what
it's weird. It's like, it'sso everything has no motivation, and like,

(01:03:16):
like if you even if I smokedthe best weed and someone was like,
hey, we dug up your body, your kid's grave, we found
a burden bear in it, Iwould give you a reaction. I'm like,
what you wouldn't, Just like youwouldn't just stand there like sort of
confused and be like, what justwhy are you yelling at me? Why

(01:03:40):
are you yelling at me because youlost your kid? Bro, this is
not cool. I could bring JoeRogan onto the set and he would be
more pissed off than what is goingon. That's how stone you are.
Also, there's a scene where hehe just succumbed to anaphylactic shock and he's

(01:04:04):
walking through Lady Summer Island's estate andhe's just slapping bees in the air,
which is notoriously how I think thoseare supposed to be flies. I don't
think there's okay. They're all verybadly like pasted in after the fact,
cgi just like the bees are.So it's kind of hard to tell.
But I thought the same No,I thought the same thing, So I

(01:04:27):
started like looking more close to I'mlike Okay. For some reason, there's
a lot of flies on her estate. So we're making like a devil reference,
like a Beelzebo type of thing oflike, oh shit, and flies
congregate around evil. This should bethe ninety seventh signed dude, that you're
in the wrong place at the wrongtime, and probably get the fuck out

(01:04:48):
while you figure it out. Theyhave rowboats. Like you literally said,
it's two miles to the mainland.Go, yeah, you see, you
bragged that you could swim to itall the time, even if you don't
get on a log drift. There'sa lot of twins on this island.

(01:05:12):
Is that the result of all this? Yeah, it's in breeding. I
assume that's why I'm gonna be thecharger computer. No, No, they
could they could they get DNA fromoutside. I recognize the twins that they
were in face. I know Justin. Do you think Justin Justin? I

(01:05:42):
can hear you. I think Justin'sfrozen? Justin Justin? We lost him.
He's dead. No, this powerwent out thell does they get up

(01:06:08):
walk away? He did? Thisis not our most efficient cast. No,
it's like, oh boy, whatwingedings we happen? Power just went

(01:06:38):
out? For real, that's whathe said. It's not good. What
do we do? I don't know, Okay, she said. It just
went back on that weird weird likenot even storming. Sometimes it goes out

(01:07:01):
when there's not a storm, justrandomly there we go. That's better.
Justin lost power really, oh hesaid it. He said it came back
though, justin ming dings, justinlost power. Justin lost power. Yeah,

(01:07:21):
like at his house. Yeah,his laptop went down like mine was
about to. So I guess itsounds like you can never get through one.
It was uh he was masturbating stillviolently that the power went out.

(01:07:45):
It's like what happens every time theflash jerks went out. I would like

(01:08:15):
to thank Shane Ivers for allowing usto use his track Tremendium under a Creative
Commons license. Thank you. Onetwo three minuted poems straight Up