#664 - Amanda Kroepfl - Sex and Relationship Coach

In today’s episode of The Jimmy Rex Show, Jimmy sits down with Amanda Kroepfl, one of the top sex and relationship coaches working today. Amanda has coached several members of Jimmy’s community, she has spoken at We Are The They events, and the feedback has always been incredible. So Jimmy brought her on the podcast to talk openly and honestly about sex, intimacy, attraction, communication, and everything couples struggle with but rarely discuss.

Amanda breaks down why it’s so difficult for couples to talk about sex, why belief systems from childhood and religion shape adulthood intimacy, and how unspoken expectations quietly damage relationships. She explains the “squirrels” that hijack the brain, the role of masculine and feminine energy, scheduling sex, aftercare, fantasies, porn, nervous-system regulation, repairing a sexless marriage, and how partners can create safety instead of pressure.

Jimmy shares his own experiences—from leaving a strict religious upbringing, to hiring sex coaches, to navigating shame and redefining intimacy in a healthy way. The conversation is raw, honest, and designed to help couples finally understand what’s really going on beneath the surface. 

This episode is for married couples, people dating, men in Jimmy’s community, and anyone who wants more connection, better communication, and a happier sex life. 

Find Amanda:
Instagram: @amandakroepfl
Website: amandakroepfl.com

Jimmy's Instagram: https://instagram.com/mrjimmyrex
Jimmy's TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@mrjimmyrex
Jimmy's YouTube: https://youtube.com/@mrjimmyrex

Subscribe for more real conversations around relationships, personal development, and becoming the best version of yourself.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, and welcome to another episode of The Jimmy Rex Show.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
Today in the podcast, we sit down with Amanda Crowfel
and she is one of the top sex and relationship
coaches out there right now. She is I've actually met
with several different clients and members of my community that
have hired her, that worked.

Speaker 1 (00:16):
With her, and just have raving reviews.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
We've also had her as a guest speaking to our group,
and so I wanted to have her on the podcast
so we can talk about all.

Speaker 1 (00:23):
The things sex.

Speaker 3 (00:25):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
It's a topic that people don't like to touch on, Amanda,
not at all.

Speaker 4 (00:28):
It's probably the number one topic that nobody likes talking about,
but everyone loves talking about at the same time.

Speaker 1 (00:34):
Well, I think it's one of those it's intimidating.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
You don't want to make people feel bad, and so
I think a lot of the reason why people don't
talk about sex and their own relationship is, you know,
you have to do in a way that's very saferuse
it feels very threatening, right. You don't want to offend
the other person. You don't want it to people to
be in their heads when you're having sex and all
of a sudden, it's even worse, and so communication through
intimacy can be really tricky.

Speaker 4 (00:57):
So what I actually teach is how to talk about sex.
So it's less of the ins and outs, but more of,
like you said, creating that safety of how to have
these hard conversations. So people know how to what I
call squirrels, So those thoughts that pop in your brain,
how to set them down to actually have a topic
or have a conversation about the topic that needs to

(01:19):
be talked about.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
So what's going on with couples, Like, what is the
so like, what are the things that are people coming
to you?

Speaker 1 (01:24):
What's going on with them?

Speaker 3 (01:26):
So broad range.

Speaker 4 (01:27):
Okay, if we zoom out from that, let's go into
we have belief systems, Okay, everything that we were taught,
whether it's religion, society, personal beliefs, and we bring those
into our relationship and we have unspoken agreements. And those

(01:47):
unspoken agreements are wide range of topics and people just
don't know how to navigate them. So you and I
are in a relationship. You have a set of beliefs.
I have a set of beliefs we don't need and
know we should be talking about them. And now we're married,
maybe there's kids and things are piling up and everything
kind of falls.

Speaker 2 (02:07):
Apart, and so is ideally it's and this is you know,
it's funny because when I was younger, i'd say for
the first thirty plus years of my life, I was
an active member, you know, of a religion that was
very much like sex is next to killing somebody. You
don't do it and you don't talk about it. And
so when I left out religion, it was really weird.
It's hard to navigate and you don't really know how

(02:30):
to deal with the shame that comes attached to anything
that had to do with sex. So for me, the
first couple three decades of my life, any sexual experience
I had, anytime I was with a woman, it was
attached to this level of like trying not to screw up,
trying not to do something I shouldn't do, And so
it becomes very selfish as well, because it's all internal

(02:51):
about yourself and you don't really get to experience that
love of really giving to a person through sex and
the intimacy that comes from that. So for me, you know,
I actually I handed up high on a pair of
coaches to help me with my sexuality because i'd been
naked with a girl. I mean this was four or
five years after I left that church, and I'd still
feel guilty.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
It was just weird. It was like my belief system.

Speaker 2 (03:12):
And eventually obviously got over that, but it was really
difficult to navigate.

Speaker 1 (03:17):
And I have so much empathy. I mean, I was
a virgin into my thirties.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
I really you know, treated sex with a lot of sacredness.
But then it became this thing where it really felt
like it was hard for me to navigate what is
really loving somebody through sex versus just having sex?

Speaker 1 (03:37):
And so that's the thing that I had to work
through a lot.

Speaker 4 (03:39):
Okay, here's my favorite question. I know I've asked you before,
but we're gonna do it again.

Speaker 3 (03:43):
Do sex.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
I do believe that sex is like intercourse, like penis
in the vagina, Like everything else has its own term.
I think there's oral sex, anal sex, other things. I
but sex is like a man and a woman having intercourse.

Speaker 3 (03:59):
Why does have to be a man one?

Speaker 1 (04:01):
Because that's you just ask my definition.

Speaker 2 (04:03):
Like for me, it is because well, because women don't
have a penis, so it's really hard for them to
get the get.

Speaker 1 (04:08):
The penetration they need. Well no, I mean I know
they can use other things.

Speaker 2 (04:13):
But at the end of the day, I believe women
can have like other types of sex, but they're not
having intercourse sex, which is like sex sex.

Speaker 1 (04:21):
Okay, yes, that's my belief.

Speaker 4 (04:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (04:24):
By the way, I'm not really attached to like who
cares what the meaning of sex is?

Speaker 4 (04:28):
Right?

Speaker 3 (04:28):
It's important?

Speaker 1 (04:28):
Oh okay, get into it.

Speaker 4 (04:30):
So if you don't know my definition of sex, how
do you know we're talking about the same thing.

Speaker 2 (04:35):
Yeah, it's like Bill Clinton got away with saying he
didn't have sex with that woman, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I mean I guess ultimately I would want to just
be very yeah, and just the more you're communicating what
those things are, right, Yeah.

Speaker 4 (04:47):
So if we have our same definitions, like you know
what sex is, I know what sex is, and now
we know what sex means for us, now we can
have a conversation and we're not bringing in past beliefs
or someone your mom's beliefs in to the conversation. Right,
We're talking about what you and I need to talk about.

Speaker 3 (05:04):
Does that make sense?

Speaker 4 (05:06):
Okay, So when I ask for your definition of it,
then I can go and say, well, what does sex
mean to you?

Speaker 1 (05:12):
That's a great question. I mean, all right, if I'm
being honest, sex, I believe that sex can be.

Speaker 2 (05:22):
It can have many meanings, right, Like there is a
sense of I think, in its highest form of a
form of intimacy and full vulnerability and connection that you're
sharing something so sacred and intimate. But then I think
that sex can also just be freaking just having a
good time.

Speaker 4 (05:40):
Right, So you have your casual sex, your normal sex.
You're what's the word with here is intimacy, right, So
we have intimacy and sex. People seek intimacy through sex,
so understanding if we're talking about couples what that means
to them, because not everyone seeks intimacy through sex.

Speaker 3 (06:01):
Some people want to just have sex. So this is
what I mean.

Speaker 4 (06:05):
It's one of those weird topics that because we have
generalized it so much, we don't know how to.

Speaker 3 (06:11):
Talk about it.

Speaker 2 (06:13):
I think people, Yeah, I think that's where people get
misunderstood too, right because like for some guys or women,
they just want to have sex. Yeah, But to the
other person who was like, wait, that meant so much,
we just had sex, whereas the other person's like no,
we were just finishing a night of fun.

Speaker 1 (06:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (06:28):
But yeah, that's where everything gets sticky and those unspoken
expectations are.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
Well, I think where it's the most important, too, is
where couples have to decide, like what do we want
our sex life to look like? Like, what is an
ideal situation? I always you know, guys will come to
me They're like, you know, there's nothing really wrong. We
have sex like once a month or whatever else and
I'm like, okay, and is that ideal?

Speaker 1 (06:55):
Like do you love that? Because what does the ideal
situation look like?

Speaker 2 (06:59):
And that's the goal, right, It's like, ultimately, we want
to have what would a perfect sex life look like
to you? And how do we get as close to
that as possible to make you essentially have the most
fulfillment that you can in your sex life.

Speaker 4 (07:12):
Well, okay, so we talk a lot about masculine feminine energy. Okay,
Men like structure, right, Women are a little bit more
flowy here. You want to know, hey, if I have
sex three times a week, did I hit my numbers? Good?

Speaker 3 (07:24):
Good job? Right?

Speaker 2 (07:26):
I definitely don't want to treat it like a missionary assignment. No,
but it's ultimately like you know if you're going once
a week, I mean you kind of know how often
you're having sex. It's funny on Tony Robbins has that
documentary called I'm Not Your Guru on Netflix, and the
girl says, yeah, twice a month. He's like, cool, every
two weeks. It sounds like you're getting an nanema.

Speaker 1 (07:48):
Just the way she says, it was just so structured.
It was just like the opposite.

Speaker 2 (07:52):
It's obviously, you know, I never want to have to
count you know, how often we're having sex or how
when was the last time we had sex? Wanted to
be very frequent in the relationship, like, it's very much
like something we both desire often has that.

Speaker 4 (08:05):
Yeah, absolutely so quality of the sex is much more
important than the quantity. But people are like, oh, the
you know, can I say something that's fun? You will
take bad sex over no sex?

Speaker 1 (08:22):
Who like, in general, guys, guys.

Speaker 4 (08:25):
Greed disagree in a relationship. Let's put ourselves in a
long term relationship.

Speaker 2 (08:30):
Yes, However, when you've been having good sex, bad sex
kind of sucks. Yes, So I don't know, if I
kept having bad sex over and over, I'd probably like
need more, I'd probably want more.

Speaker 4 (08:42):
Here's what I've seen in long term relationships. So people
have been married, let's say like fifteen years. The guy
will not bring up we are having bad sex because
he is afraid it will be removed from the table.
I will take bad sex all day versus.

Speaker 2 (08:56):
Sure, it's like I'm getting off it's good enough, right,
like essentially once again.

Speaker 4 (09:00):
And it's like taking something that's really notted up and
trying to unwind it for people and understand like, no,
what do you really want as seasons of life you
got kids or your kids leaving the house. What it
actually is fulfilling the relationship versus like what's nurturing versus
what's not nurturing right now?

Speaker 2 (09:19):
Yeah, And I think you know, for me, the only
time i feel like it's bad sex is if I'm
pressured to have sex just for.

Speaker 1 (09:27):
The sake of having it. Yeah, Like that sucks. I
hate that sex.

Speaker 2 (09:32):
And sometimes just a guy like you're in your head
or you just don't want to have sex for whatever reason.
But then it's like you don't want him to feel bad,
or maybe I remember, like I've been in settings or
you're like this is an expectation where like I remember
one girl was really mad at.

Speaker 1 (09:44):
Me that I dated because it was her birthday.

Speaker 2 (09:46):
We went up to Park City and rented a condo
and like she wanted to have sex at like one
o'clock and I was just my head wasn't there, and
I had a hard time like getting myself like to
the point where I want to have sex. And we
ended up having sex, but it was just shitty, so
I know, oh yeah, and then I just I wanted
to keep it special and do it later that night.
And I'm just being a little bit you know, raw

(10:06):
about this and vulnerable. But it's just like I just
remember being like that was the opposite of what I wanted.
Like I just had sex with her because it's their birthday.
I didn't want to have sex right now, and like,
and there is a reality to like, sometimes you just
don't want to have sex. But it doesn't mean anything's
wrong or wrong with the person or whatever else. But
but but if you can't communicate that, it feels very
threatening to the other person.

Speaker 4 (10:27):
Women tend to do that in relationships of we we
will have sex with our husbands to maintain their emotions eeke.
And once we start doing that, now our husbands have
become mature and guess what, we don't.

Speaker 3 (10:41):
Want to do yours. We don't want to try.

Speaker 4 (10:44):
So you know, it's kind of I am my own
worst enemy in that because we do it to ourselves.

Speaker 3 (10:50):
Not it's not always like how do you prevent that?

Speaker 4 (10:54):
Realizing when you're doing it, understanding if you have people
pleasing tendencies, if you if you were raised in the
house that had maybe like a lot of trauma and
you're hyper vigilant, what are you doing? Are you anytime
you're trying to control someone else's emotions, it's a red flag.

Speaker 1 (11:10):
And if you're doing that through sex a lot of times.

Speaker 3 (11:12):
Yeah, yeah, I had I'm in weaponize sex.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
Well, I dated somebody.

Speaker 2 (11:15):
Wants to and you know, she had always been able
to get her way through sex. And when I told her, no,
I'm not having sex with you right now, like this
is not acceptable behavior that you've been having or whatever,
then it really sent her off because that was like
her one weapon she always has. She's gorgeous, and so
she's just like she could always weaponize sex. And when
I took that off the table, it was like World
War three.

Speaker 1 (11:35):
You know, it's.

Speaker 4 (11:37):
Actually that you say that, like one of the hardest
things I have to do sometimes is tell people take
sex off the table. They're like, uh, I paid you
to have more sex than you're telling me stop having sex,
and the yeah, sorry, that's if you want good sex.

Speaker 3 (11:52):
This is what needs to happen.

Speaker 2 (11:53):
Is that so that they can figure it out and
actually enjoy the sex again or what.

Speaker 4 (11:57):
Because in this case scenario, what I'm thinking my head,
this couple, she was using it to manipulate him.

Speaker 1 (12:04):
Yeah, not in a loving way totally.

Speaker 4 (12:06):
But it's still manipulations.

Speaker 2 (12:08):
I mean, look, unfortunately society has taught us. You know,
for men, it's like, hey, you provide value through security
and safety and money and these things.

Speaker 1 (12:15):
For women, it's like no sex.

Speaker 2 (12:17):
Like that's why is every industry catered towards women built
around being more sexual and being more sexy.

Speaker 1 (12:24):
You know. It just is like.

Speaker 2 (12:25):
That's the way society has taught us to create our
own values, and so unfortunately we put a lot of
value on those things.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (12:33):
I was talking with someone this morning.

Speaker 4 (12:34):
We were talking about so they are I think they're
three years into their relationships, so the honeymoon stage is over.

Speaker 1 (12:42):
What would you say you get max two years out
of the honeymoon stage.

Speaker 3 (12:45):
There's actually data on that. I think it is.

Speaker 1 (12:47):
That's what I've heard too.

Speaker 4 (12:48):
Yeah, two years so with this couple and they're like, okay,
so what worked before of wooing the woman is no
longer working. And it's like, well, yeah, you don't have
those hormones anymore, like it's not pumping through your body
stage of your life.

Speaker 1 (13:05):
You literally gives us drugs that are love drugs so
that we fall in love.

Speaker 4 (13:11):
And no matter what you do, you will never recreate
that stage. There is no more first novelties. Right, so
in a longer term relationship we have to once again
be aware of it and start introducing novelty again. Something
that people don't understand is we have different desires so
different think of it as gas and breaks in our brains. Okay,

(13:32):
something's turning on, something's turn you off. Some of us
are race cars really easy. Other of us it's lower.
You need a more mudy Okay. Another way of looking
at it is a spontaneous desire is like a microwave
thirty seconds on, ready to go. A responsive desire is
like an oven and it needs to be preheated. So

(13:54):
in a relationship, if Let's say your wife has a
responsive desire, you need to act initiate sex at breakfast
to maybe have a chance after dinner.

Speaker 2 (14:04):
As Tony Robbins says, for a woman, sex starts at
nine am and finishes at nine pm.

Speaker 1 (14:09):
For a guy that starts about eight thirty pm.

Speaker 3 (14:11):
Yeah, light switch.

Speaker 4 (14:15):
But it's the more I am in this area. It's
not always man versus woman in this Like sometimes the
woman is just like what the hell, and the guy's like,
I think I need to be romanced, And that's a
whole other aspect of that's not culturally appropriate.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
I feel like there's so many angles that we could
go with this entire conversation as far as sex is concerned.
I guess what I'd like to kind of dive into
a little bit is maybe just a couple things. Let's
say people have a little bit of a sex less marriage.
I think that's probably the biggest issue. As a men's coach,
you know, I coach hundreds of guys. We've had guys,

(14:53):
you know, in our mini masterminds say I haven't had
sex in thirteen months in a marriage a happy marriage,
like otherwise, Right, what's the best way to create a
more because I do believe the more love and sex
that you are going to have in that relationship, just
the more passion you're going to have, it's going to
solve a lot of problems.

Speaker 1 (15:09):
Like God was pretty smart. He was like, y'all get
and disagree on a lot of shit.

Speaker 2 (15:12):
We're gonna at least gonna be able to, you know,
pound this out every now and then and fix some issues.
And so like, if you're in a sexless marriage, maybe
we'll start with that.

Speaker 1 (15:19):
What's going on? How do you fix that situation?

Speaker 3 (15:22):
Okay?

Speaker 4 (15:23):
Well, for one a sexless manage, we need to separate
the individuals. Okay, So well it's in this case, let's
just go man and woman.

Speaker 3 (15:32):
What is his shit? What is her shit going on?
And then what is ours that we need to take
care of?

Speaker 4 (15:37):
Okay, so we need to understand throw myself in this scenario,
I need to understand what I call them squirrels, So
what these thoughts are that is preventing me. You can
also call them hurdles to actually want to be intimate
with someone. Let's say it's my self esteem. No matter
what my partner says, that will not fix that. I

(15:59):
have to do my own work. And that's the hardest
part because you can't teach willingness right as a coach,
you can't teach willingness. They have to be willing to
do their own work.

Speaker 1 (16:07):
Well, it's brutal too as a guy.

Speaker 2 (16:08):
Like, just to add this in, I dated somebody once
saying again, I'm just giving examples because it's my own
life and whatever. And when I'm like really into a woman,
I love to grab her. Like you know, some women
will often say like, I feel like you want to
consume me, and they love it.

Speaker 1 (16:23):
They usually love it.

Speaker 2 (16:25):
This particular woman, I would like grab her button her
legs a lot, and I just wanted to squeeze or
I just loved her. She was gorgeous, and twice we
got in a fight to the point that she left
that night because she said, you think I'm fat because
I was squeezing her button her legs and she was gorgeous,
she was skinny, and I was like, oh my god,
like this is a this is something I don't I
don't even know what to do with this, Like it

(16:46):
was so defeating. But that was the intimacy issue, was like,
and it's like, as a guy, there was nothing I
could have done to fix that. That's something she I
was very clear to me she was going to have
to fix on her own.

Speaker 4 (16:58):
But okay, but part of being in personal development is
we're aware of that. So let's see if let's say,
if my partner saw that I was having the little
self esteem, how can I create a container be like, hey,
this is actually a hurdle.

Speaker 3 (17:10):
I think we need to talk about.

Speaker 4 (17:12):
How can we have the topic about like what's going on?
Like that's why I asked, like, ask them what their
scrolls are? What's going on? But what is just holding
you back in your brain? Okay, well it's you grab
me here and now I feel like possession? Okay, well
why you know what triggered that? Is there something in
the past that we need to talk about. Maybe there's

(17:32):
something we don't know.

Speaker 3 (17:33):
Is that a belief?

Speaker 4 (17:35):
Here's where it also it gets touchy, okay, in a relationship.
If I am stepping in as a husband trying to
help my wife, now I'm becoming their therapist, right and
not their partner.

Speaker 1 (17:45):
I did that once? Was the worst energy is like
I tried to beat therapists. I didn't know better. God
bless me, but it it. Yeah, that was bad news.

Speaker 4 (17:53):
So I wish everything was just black and white. But
it's like the giant spectrum of every shade of gray.

Speaker 3 (18:02):
That we have to look at. And that's why this
is so hard for so many people.

Speaker 2 (18:07):
What are a couple of things that you know? I
went and spent a small fortune on a Tony Robbins
Evan a couple of years ago. He does out in
Maui every other year. It was one hundred grand to
go to the event basically all about relationships, and it's
the thing that I probably have studied more than anything.
It's actually kind of fun because it's the thing that
I it's the part of my life. I'd say I'm

(18:29):
least figured out obviously being single, but because I've spent
so much time and effort on it, I actually think
I understand it really well. And it's been really cool
to be able to help other couples that just most
couples have a communication problem, and if you can teach
them little skills or practices or even games to be
able to just talk a lot of times, it can

(18:51):
work through a lot of issues and all of a sudden,
the woman feels seen and understood again.

Speaker 1 (18:55):
And it's not offensive.

Speaker 2 (18:57):
When she tells the guy certain things, But what are
the both The activities are things that you do with
your clients to help them be able to touch on
these very sensitive subjects.

Speaker 4 (19:07):
My favorite thing to do, and maybe it's just my
personality is I love teaching people how to talk about fantasies.

Speaker 3 (19:14):
So fantasy, it's a scary one because.

Speaker 1 (19:18):
Well, you're like, you're just going to feel so judged, right,
like that's your fantasy?

Speaker 4 (19:22):
Really you want to see someone squirm ask them about their.

Speaker 1 (19:27):
Fantasyman, just thinking about it, that's weird.

Speaker 4 (19:30):
So what I do in my practice, I I'm like, okay,
next week we're going to meet together. You're going to
come to the table with ten fantasies, okay each other.

Speaker 1 (19:39):
It feels less threatening because then you're like, I just
had to come up with some shit, you know.

Speaker 4 (19:44):
So man, great writing all these downs, right, And he
will He's like, this is my to do list, this
is my future. The woman goes, I can't do it.
She will come up, not always, but she'll come up
with like three or four really, and and I get
to sit down with them and go, okay, so why
couldn't you fill out the sheet? Because he's going to

(20:06):
think it's a to do list, or uh, he's going
to judge me or same thing. Man's like, well, I
kind of actually pulled back a lot here because I'm
afraid that she will not meet me here. So that
is my favorite thing to do to people because it
will pull out every insecurity if they allow it, and

(20:27):
actually where they want their relationship, they'll show them like
you're erotic blueprint, like what actually turns you want? Because
usually if you write down your ten fantasies and you
look at them, you will find a common thread through them.

Speaker 1 (20:38):
Oh, give me an example of that.

Speaker 3 (20:40):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (20:41):
Some people like taboo, Okay, got it. Some people like sensations,
some people like to watch. If you rune enough fantasison,
you'll notice a little trend in there somewhere.

Speaker 1 (20:54):
Got it.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
I that's an interesting one. And so what's the point
of that to come up with the fantasies? Like why
even go through the exercise.

Speaker 1 (21:03):
Because you can see what you're what lights you up?

Speaker 2 (21:06):
But that is scary because what if it is like
what if you actually do judge your partner for what
they come.

Speaker 3 (21:12):
Up with when you're human?

Speaker 2 (21:14):
But like if my partner, I mean it just feels
very threatening. Right if I'm like in a healthy relationship
or like just really committed to a monogamous relationship and
she's like, yeah, I have a fantasy of a threesome,
Like that's going to feel very so threatening.

Speaker 4 (21:26):
That's actually the number one fantasy. But usually if you
talk along talk about a threesome long enough, you'll realize
I want to be overwhelmed. I want to please two
women getting yeah, okay, so you you start to pull
back the layers of actually what's under the shiny object.

Speaker 1 (21:43):
And you can do this where they don't get offended?

Speaker 4 (21:46):
Yeah? Absolutely, Why because we come at it as this
is playful, this is fun.

Speaker 2 (21:52):
Does not work even for me. It's like, just thinking
about it, it gets uncomfortable. That's how crazy these topics are, right, It's.

Speaker 4 (21:59):
Just and I'm here still and you you're squirming a
little bit.

Speaker 1 (22:02):
Well, it's just such a no in my belief.

Speaker 2 (22:04):
Again, it was the way I was raised up right,
It was like and like, you know, tried a couple
of things and you're like, here we go.

Speaker 1 (22:11):
You know, it's like, but I'll be well, so I'll
give you an example of this though.

Speaker 2 (22:14):
Then just being honest, here I recently was hanging out
with a girl and we you know, it was starting
to go somewhere, and she had had quite the past
and I tried never to think about that.

Speaker 1 (22:26):
But this is the second time this has happened for me.

Speaker 2 (22:28):
I did a girl a couple of years ago, and
she had been a high end escort in LA and
we were on a trip together.

Speaker 1 (22:33):
We're laying on the beach. I remember, she starts telling.

Speaker 2 (22:35):
Me this story about like I don't know how the
hell it came up, but it was this famous singer
I know who he is. And she tell me this
crazy story about like this sexual experience, and I was done.

Speaker 1 (22:45):
I was so turned off.

Speaker 2 (22:46):
And it happened again a couple again, this person that
I was telling you about more recently, and she talked
about She's like, yeah, I just I prefer anal on everything.

Speaker 1 (22:54):
And I couldn't get my head to wrap around.

Speaker 2 (22:58):
And I was like, this girl's a fucking benner around
the block a little bit, Like this girl's been a
ragdog a little bit. And it just I just being honest.
I was judging her. I didn't even want to, but
I was like it turned me off to her. And
this happened twice now, so I'm like, fuck, like, what
does my wiring say about this?

Speaker 3 (23:14):
Well, that's what I was going to say. What is
your wiring?

Speaker 4 (23:16):
You know?

Speaker 3 (23:16):
What is that? Why? Why is that so wrong?

Speaker 1 (23:20):
I don't know. I didn't, I mean want. I mean
most guys would be like, dude, she's an anal, what's
your problem?

Speaker 4 (23:24):
Like?

Speaker 1 (23:25):
And I was just like, ah, that feels right.

Speaker 4 (23:27):
So like okay, taking that as an example, it's fun
because we're like, okay, is that you're what's your beliefs
around it?

Speaker 2 (23:33):
I don't know, because it's like I you know again,
it's like it's well, I don't think I was told
anything to be honest?

Speaker 3 (23:40):
What to say in your mind.

Speaker 1 (23:42):
That that's honestly?

Speaker 2 (23:43):
I think most guys think like, that's a nice little
bonus to your relationship if the girl's.

Speaker 1 (23:47):
Willing to go there.

Speaker 2 (23:48):
But I think subconsciously what it says to me is like, oh,
this girl's been a freak, you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 (23:53):
So what's wrong with a woman that's being promiscuous?

Speaker 2 (23:57):
I guess that's probably my wiring again for my youth,
like oh, she has less value or something, or she's
not gonna you know, be as good of a wife
or whatever that might but oh, I know, it's my ship.
My question is is like you can't help it. Though
in that moment I was like turned away from her.
I was, and I'm just being real. I'm just being

(24:20):
very real. Probably do real.

Speaker 1 (24:23):
But at the end of the day, I'm trying to, like,
you know, I hope that this kind of a conversation
can help other people, and.

Speaker 2 (24:29):
That's why I'm willing to have it right. But I
was even judging myself after, I'm like, why did that
turn me off to her?

Speaker 1 (24:35):
Why was that? Like I hated it, like I hated it,
and I'm like, why was that? And part of it,
I do believe men and women are wired differently.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
I think that, like you know, you've seen the stats
and everything else, the more partners and women have them,
but less likely they're going to stay together.

Speaker 1 (24:49):
Like it's very clear and cut data on that.

Speaker 2 (24:52):
And I think maybe that's part of why in my
mind that like came up for me.

Speaker 1 (24:57):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (24:58):
I think every guy, you know, once again, oh for him,
he wants every woman to be like perfect and then
just a total freak for him. But you don't want
to think about that for other guys, whereas a women,
I don't think it bothers him as much.

Speaker 4 (25:12):
That is a belief system. Someone has taught you that.
So here's the here's what's awesome. Okay, we are adults
and we also have values. So I like teaching. Okay,
what are use your belief system?

Speaker 3 (25:24):
Now? What is your values?

Speaker 4 (25:26):
Values are something you choose, So align yourself with your values,
not your beliefs.

Speaker 1 (25:32):
Sure, but I also like okay.

Speaker 2 (25:35):
So I had a girlfriend and she kept asking me
my number, right, she wanted to know my number?

Speaker 1 (25:39):
What's your you know, what's your what do you call it?
Your count?

Speaker 3 (25:42):
BodyCount?

Speaker 1 (25:43):
BodyCount?

Speaker 4 (25:43):
Thanks?

Speaker 1 (25:44):
And I didn't want to tell her. I'm not going there.
I don't want to.

Speaker 2 (25:47):
I don't want to bring it up. And and just
out of nowhere, she tells me hers and for a woman,
it was really high. It was over fifty, Like that's
really high.

Speaker 1 (25:59):
For a woman. And so I was like, oh, all right,
well she's not going to judge me.

Speaker 2 (26:02):
For mine then, And so I told her and she
immediately started judging me for it. And it was like
really painful to feel that judgment because I didn't feel
I didn't look down on myself or like what it was.
But it was like it was really defeating to be
judged upon that, and so like I try not to
judge anybody that I date based on where they've been.
It's like, hey, do I like you today? Because I

(26:24):
felt that pain? Right, I felt like how that was
kind of turned against me? But it is And this
is what I'm trying to get it. It is like I
don't even know if you can help it, Like you
just have your judgment, So how do you fix those
or change those or even do you need to? Or
is it do you find somebody that fits your belief
system or what is.

Speaker 1 (26:39):
The answer to that?

Speaker 4 (26:40):
We have gas and breaks where humans. Some things will
turn us on, some things will turn us off. Okay,
so you get to choose, just like you get to
choose your emotions what you believe. M right, So you
have to really do the inner work to understand.

Speaker 3 (27:00):
You get to choose, so you just.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
Can ultimately do the work to change.

Speaker 2 (27:04):
That's true because I've changed my beliefs on so many things,
and I guess maybe it has to.

Speaker 4 (27:08):
Be your truth, like your internal like I like the
internal compass, Like it has to be you need to
choose your own internal compass. What do you want, what
is okay?

Speaker 3 (27:20):
What is not?

Speaker 1 (27:21):
M Yeah, no, that makes sense.

Speaker 2 (27:25):
So where couples that are maybe couples that are newer
in their relationship, is there any advice or is any
direction that you give to newer couples to like create
better intimacy early on in don't soon assume.

Speaker 3 (27:38):
Don't assume that.

Speaker 4 (27:42):
Let's zoom backwards, right, don't assume she is going to
take care of the kids when you guys have kids.
Don't assume porn is bad or good. Don't assume we're
going to have sex every other day. Like, it's just
we just need to talk. We talk about all of it.

Speaker 2 (27:59):
I always say, it's crazy, see how much couples will
talk about like when they're planning a wedding, but they
don't plan their wife their life at all at all. Yeah,
so like they have no idea, they get it and
they're in a relationship. It's like, wait, this is what
you think about money.

Speaker 3 (28:11):
Yeah, this is finances.

Speaker 2 (28:14):
Wait, holidays, this is what you do on holidays. This
is how you spend time with your family, Like all
these different things, right that you just didn't bring up.

Speaker 3 (28:20):
But we're so.

Speaker 4 (28:21):
Afraid to ruin the romance, and I'll be the first
to kill romance because I'm like, no, that's not how
this works.

Speaker 3 (28:27):
I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 (28:28):
We do not live in the Hallmark channel, Like that's
not real life, babe.

Speaker 2 (28:33):
You know I went to When I went to that
Tony Robbins event, my biggest takeaway and I feel embarrassed
even saying it, because I just was naive, But my
biggest takeaway coming out of that was our relationships are
just going to be difficult. I thought, you, honest to God,
find somebody you don't have any problems with, and you
just make it work forever. And my biggest takeaway was
that was like, no, it's going to be a mess.

(28:53):
It's going to be a shit show. Like I have
a guy that I coach right now. He's been married
for over twenty years and I've known it for a
long time and if you had ever ask me out of
been like, no, he's great, and they're going through it
right now, like you know, it's it's hanging on by
a thread, this relationship.

Speaker 1 (29:09):
And I had had no idea.

Speaker 2 (29:11):
And what I realized talking to him and even talking
to his wife about it, was like they're kind of
in this weird way. He was innocent, but he just
didn't know what he didn't know. But she's been begging
him for three or four years to make some changes
because like and he if you were to make a
scale on his mind of how a man should show
up for his wife and his kids, he's like nailing

(29:32):
it like hundred out of one hundred, and Tony Robbins says,
it's so perfectly because you give her everything about what
she actually needs and he's just been missing it, right,
And I have so much empathy for him because it's
like he didn't know what he didn't know, but he
also was missing some really important things. And I think
that's one of the reasons why I am so committed

(29:53):
to learning the skills. I think the only way you
can make this thing better is to get more information.
And a lot of times we just don't know what
we don't no, and there's some really good books and
material out there now to help us learn more about
these things that.

Speaker 4 (30:06):
And we are. Every body is different, Okay, So biggest
like argument with me and my husband, which is so
much fun. He has great forethought. I am in the
present moment, me trying to create forethought is hilarious. It's
just not my wiring right. So we have to like
also love the person where they're at. That is hard also,

(30:27):
I need It's just we both need to come to
the table and realize.

Speaker 3 (30:32):
Who we are at a core.

Speaker 1 (30:34):
How do you do that?

Speaker 4 (30:36):
Do your own work? Yeah, do your own work, do
your own wall.

Speaker 1 (30:40):
I think that's the key to everything. Is It really
is like, just tell.

Speaker 4 (30:43):
Me who I am if you don't, If I don't.

Speaker 2 (30:45):
Know who I am, well, and I think you know,
couples get married at twenty twenty one, twenty two, they're not.

Speaker 1 (30:50):
Prepared for what's to come.

Speaker 2 (30:51):
And I think I've heard you know, every seven years
you have to fall back in love.

Speaker 1 (30:55):
And I believe that because you're just each other. Yeah,
well you're just growing so much and you're going to
grow up. Are you're going to go together?

Speaker 2 (31:01):
But if you're not working on it, constantly working on yourself,
That's why I'm you know, look for everything that's out
there like we are the day my coaching program that
your husband went through. Yeah, I believe so much in
it because what it does, if nothing else, it gives
you awareness to be working on yourself. Every single week
you have a reminder I need to be working on myself.
And you're surrounded by people that are like, dude, are

(31:23):
you working on yourself? Like what are you doing to
better your life? What are you doing to because we're
going to make so many mistakes. But ultimately, it's not
about not making mistakes. It's are you committed to trying
to do better? Are you committed to trying to get
this right? It's not about being right, it's about getting
it right and just that constant vigilance of your own
life of trying to improve upon your current place.

Speaker 4 (31:43):
Okay, so let me throw in another loop and another
shade of gray for you. If you make sex work,
you will not do it. So men, personal development, grind, grind, grind, right,
this is one area you can't do it. Yeah, you
have to make it fun. Yeah, number one thing Like
if someone calls me, he's like, what can I do?

Speaker 3 (32:01):
Go have fun? When was the last time you left
with your wife? Go have fun?

Speaker 4 (32:05):
Well?

Speaker 2 (32:05):
One of the things I do in my program though,
and this is actually learned. This is cool because I
already knew this when I set up my program. My
program is fucking fun. It's the funnest one out there.
There's no program funner than mine, I'm sure of it.
We go run with the bulls, we swim with sharks,
we jump off cliffs, we do the thing right and.

Speaker 1 (32:20):
It's just fun. Even when we're just hanging out, we're
having a blast.

Speaker 2 (32:24):
So I've gone. I went to two events this last year.
I went to two of the top men's coaches. They
are the two top coaches in my opinion, David Dita,
who wrote The Way the Superior Man, and Gs young Blood,
who wrote Masculine a Relationship. These two books are life
changing for any man out there.

Speaker 1 (32:38):
Go read them.

Speaker 2 (32:39):
But I went to both their seminars, and I'll be honest,
I was like they were heavy, they were stressful, they
weren't fun.

Speaker 1 (32:47):
And the one guy I had to leave for like
half a day. I just went to the beach.

Speaker 2 (32:51):
We're in Mexico on the beach and we hadn't even
left this damn Airbnb, and I'm like, I'm gonna go
to the beach. I'm going to have a margarite, I'm
gonna sit here and I'm gonna just And I spent
half a day there and at the end of the program.
He came up to me, and this is a guy
that I just admire. He is such a good men's coach.
His material is so freaking good. And he literally was like,

(33:11):
what do you I've been following you, you know, since
we first I had him on my podcast a little
bit before that, and so we've been following each other.
And he said, how do you keep your guys so engaged?
I don't get it, like I have such a hard
time getting people to my events. And I told him,
I said, dude, I'm a party thrower. I've thrown two
hundred parties in my life. I'm that's what I do.
Like no offense, but this is heavy, this is hard.

(33:33):
I don't want to come back to this, even though
I've like learned so much. You've got to make it
fun or people don't want to come back. And so
even with this work or all these different things, it's
never been lost on me. My number one priority. Like
the one thing I say to people, what makes you
know weird.

Speaker 1 (33:49):
That they special?

Speaker 2 (33:49):
I say, I make it so fun that you don't
want to miss, and then once you're there, you'll get
the training that you need. But if it feels like work,
the whole time. You just you go home and you
need a vacation. It's like, kind, I'm exhausted, and so
I've never been lost on me, And so I guess
that makes so much sense that when it comes to
working on your sex life, it's kind of the same thing.

(34:10):
You really got to make it fun or else it's
just gonna it can't feel like work.

Speaker 3 (34:14):
Sex is adult play.

Speaker 1 (34:15):
So how do you do that? What are a couple
of things you do to make it more fun?

Speaker 4 (34:18):
You have to learn to give yourself permission. Big thing
for women. We don't give up men. I ask you,
you can give me probably five hobbies. You ask an
average woman and she'll tell you, I don't know how
I take.

Speaker 3 (34:31):
Care of the kids.

Speaker 1 (34:32):
True, they will.

Speaker 2 (34:33):
Going back to that guy that came to me, you
know recently, his wife, you know, she just turned forty,
and she's like, I don't even know who I am.

Speaker 1 (34:39):
I'm just this wife and mom, and.

Speaker 2 (34:41):
I feel like I have to live up to this
expectation who I'm supposed to be, and I don't know
who I am.

Speaker 1 (34:45):
That was her whole thing.

Speaker 4 (34:47):
So to go back to your question, it's okay, we'll
first handle all the mental aspects of it. Give yourself
permission to dive into this. Give yourself permission to laugh
at yourself, because you can't laugh at yourself?

Speaker 3 (34:58):
Why are we doing this?

Speaker 4 (35:00):
And then depending on the relationship, depending on the couple
different I love games, I gamify everything, so playing games
with them, he's.

Speaker 1 (35:10):
Like, score points per orgasm or what? How's this exactly?

Speaker 3 (35:15):
We could add that.

Speaker 2 (35:16):
One I was stating a girl on time and it
was actually the first time we ever had sex. She
just started bleeding everywhere. She wasn't on her period, but
it just turned it. Yeah, I turned into a mess.
And the next day she left on my porch a
note of just like and then she had some like
she bought some sheets, some new sheets and a blood

(35:37):
orange like beverage.

Speaker 1 (35:38):
It was the funniest shit. I was like, who are you?
It was so.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
Funny to me, But it was like I was like,
oh my god. The fact that we were able to
like just make it so funny. Yeah, And then it
was like we never cared if there was blood of
those sheets.

Speaker 1 (35:54):
We're gonna laugh.

Speaker 2 (35:55):
About it, you know.

Speaker 4 (35:56):
But something that like if you don't like know where
to start, right, So people are like I don't even know.

Speaker 3 (36:02):
If you grew up in a very maybe.

Speaker 4 (36:04):
Religious household, you don't even know like what to do,
what to play, Like, that's why people go to porn.
Another topic, but work on your sensations. Okay, something you smell, something,
you taste, something, maybe you hear or feel. There's something
called body mapping where you and your partner take turns
and different objects to just touch your body. So we

(36:25):
remove orgasm from the table just to see what lights
them up.

Speaker 1 (36:29):
Tony does that at his event.

Speaker 2 (36:31):
So the person lays down and like they'll touch them
different ways, different things, a feather, a whip, like lightly heavier.

Speaker 1 (36:39):
And you just on a scull one to ten. You
rte it right. And it's funny.

Speaker 2 (36:42):
Because like girls getting whipped, like the shit kicked out
of her and she's like nine and the guy's like
what it. It's like you have no idea that that's
what's turning her on, right, and then you do the
feather and it's like two, yeah, I'll get.

Speaker 1 (36:54):
Away from yeah whatever. But like and then they switches
with a different person, so you just never know what
somebody's into.

Speaker 4 (37:00):
Oh my favorite thing is one of my old clients.
She's like oh my god, I never knew my cast
light me up so much.

Speaker 2 (37:04):
I'm like, well, you learn fair enough a really valuable
exercise that they taught at that event. This has probably
been the most effective one I've been able to teach
other guys to help in their sex life for their relationship.
As you stand about ten feet apart from each other,
and so you want to make it very non threatening
because one of the problems with critiquing or giving advice

(37:26):
and sexual stuff is it feels very threatening because they're like, well, what,
you've never told me this before, so this whole time,
you haven't been enjoying it or whatever, right, And essentially
what you do is each person you take turns saying like, Okay,
something that I would enjoy more of is, or when
I'm stressed, I would like it if you And so
you can start with me like rubbed my shoulders, and

(37:47):
then the next pert says, I'd love it if you,
you know, tickle my scalp. I love it if you
actually just give me five minutes to myself, or you
know what, like if you just came home and took
off my pants and started blowing me in f or
like if I woke up and you or you know,
giving me head that would be like a ten out
of ten.

Speaker 1 (38:02):
Whatever.

Speaker 2 (38:03):
You just you go back and forth, but you have
to do it for an hour, and what it does
is it forces you.

Speaker 1 (38:08):
After the first couple, obvious was.

Speaker 2 (38:10):
That you're like, well, i'd like this, like you know
what when you cook me this and like bring it
up like hey, if you wore this with nothing underneath,
that would totally turn me on. Like you know, if
you sent me a selfie of you with your legs
spread open in the middle of the day, like that
would totally turn me.

Speaker 1 (38:23):
Like whatever it is, You.

Speaker 2 (38:24):
Just go back and forth for an hour and eventually
you get a tool belt full of things that the
other person wants.

Speaker 1 (38:30):
So then you and it's no pressure.

Speaker 2 (38:31):
It's not like you have to do it now, but
you now know, oh, these are some things that my
partner wants more of. And using that question, what would
so he says that the best way to do it
without it being intimidating is to ask it in a
way that we say, Okay, here's something I really like
that you do, here's something I think I do really well,
what do you want more of from me? And by
asking it in that form, it's very non threatening and

(38:54):
the other person feels like they can tell you the
honest truth.

Speaker 4 (38:57):
So what I do is something similar. I have something
called a sex menu. Okay it is. We've made it
into the cell sheets, nice and easy.

Speaker 1 (39:07):
You pick that up.

Speaker 4 (39:11):
The point is is so you don't have to guess anymore, right, right, right,
So you fill it out. I fill it out, and
then it compares literally everything from what turns you on,
what you like to do during sex, and then what
aftercare is for you. So something I would love to
talk about is aftercare. But that way, it's simple language. Yes, sure,

(39:33):
let's go right green light, No, No, we do not
talk about it's not coming back to the table. And
the last one is it's not maybe, it's no for now.
So now we know what we can talk about, right,
and we can understand like just because it's a maybe
doesn't mean it's going to jump to yes. But we
know we can talk about what this type of foreplay

(39:53):
looks like and we can go from there.

Speaker 1 (39:56):
Yeah. I like that.

Speaker 2 (39:56):
I like the fact that there's some dead nose too.
It's like, hey, we're not bringing up third person in
the boundary.

Speaker 1 (40:01):
Yeah, right, Like we do Yeah, we're not doing this
whatever it's like, we're not you know, for whatever that person.

Speaker 4 (40:06):
And you can come back at any point of your
relationship and redo the menu, right because just because when
I was having kids, my life look this way, my
turn ons were here. Well, now the kids are the house,
maybe the turn ons are different. So you can go
ahead and revamp your menu. And once you have your
menus set, now you get to ask your partner what
type of sex do you want to have tonight?

Speaker 1 (40:26):
All right, let's talk about aftercare.

Speaker 3 (40:28):
What is aftercare? Do you know what aftercare is?

Speaker 1 (40:30):
It's taking care of the other person after you've had sex.

Speaker 4 (40:33):
Yes, some days, some days it's not. After cares how
you close the container. So if you don't have good aftercare,
you will not want to reopen the container. So aftercare
is different for everyone. Aftercare does not always sync up,
and sometimes it needs to be staggered. Some people need

(40:54):
to cuddle, other people need to shower. Some people like
to review what did we do right?

Speaker 3 (40:59):
What we do right?

Speaker 4 (41:00):
Really?

Speaker 3 (41:01):
Oh yeah, I'm a reviewer.

Speaker 2 (41:03):
Interesting, I'm just usually going to get a towel or something.

Speaker 4 (41:07):
But what makes you feel emotionally? Because we have nervous systems. Right,
so if we are highly escalated, what is going to
bring us back down to neutral? That is what we're doing, Okay,
we're reconnecting. So there are certain things.

Speaker 2 (41:19):
That you do during such cuddling obviously in that things
like that, maybe.

Speaker 3 (41:23):
Maybe they don't want to be touched.

Speaker 4 (41:24):
It's true, like everyone has different things like but the
intimacy in SX really comes in the aftercare portion, what
you do after So it.

Speaker 1 (41:33):
Is the best way to talk about that or what yes.

Speaker 4 (41:35):
Talk about aftercare before entering sex? What do you need
afterwards so I know how to take care of you
and then you know what you need for yourself too?

Speaker 2 (41:45):
And what are some examples like what people would share
as far as what their after care looks like.

Speaker 4 (41:50):
Cuddling is a big one, right, I want some physical
touch that it doesn't feel like it's going to lead
to sex again. I a review. I want to talk
about it. I want to talk about what we did,
what you liked, what you didn't like.

Speaker 3 (42:02):
I want to That's.

Speaker 2 (42:03):
Such an important one and I don't think many people
do that like I'm thinking about.

Speaker 1 (42:06):
I mean, obviously you'd want to be like.

Speaker 2 (42:09):
Deeper in your relationship I feel like with that one, well,
I'm saying, if you're having like a casual sec you're
not gonna I don't know it, just.

Speaker 4 (42:15):
Maybe you're not work that way.

Speaker 2 (42:18):
You're like just barely like me, Like you don't know
your second day and you have sex and you're just like,
all right, what did you like with?

Speaker 4 (42:24):
Some people want they want the Yelp review, like they
want to know what to do better next time.

Speaker 5 (42:30):
I don't think that's going to be the way I
go about it. However, I get the point.

Speaker 4 (42:34):
There are some people that literally want the yelp review,
Please tell me if I got five stars and where
I can improve. That's funny, but that's just people.

Speaker 5 (42:44):
Yeah, people want to know that fair enough, you like,
what didn't you like?

Speaker 4 (42:49):
Yeah? What should we do more next time?

Speaker 5 (42:52):
I don't know, Okay, keep going.

Speaker 4 (42:58):
Other people want Let's say it's like some people are
like I just need to shower, like there's something they
don't like body fluids and they just want to shower.
And then someone wants to cuddle. Okay, well can I
cuddle for like five minutes and then go shower or
vice versa, Like can I go shower fast and then
we can cuddle and falls together. Knowing that about your
partner makes them feel safe. For instance, like we had sex, Okay,

(43:21):
I'm gonna go get on my phone and the person's like,
oh bye, like I feel incomplete.

Speaker 5 (43:27):
That would feel shitty.

Speaker 2 (43:28):
Yeah, yeah, I feel like in the single life of
having sex, you don't usually run into that. But I
could see, like married couples that you just gotten used
is can immediately like go to something on their phone
or something. Yeah, that would feel shitty. I don't know
if I ever had that one, but that would Yeah.
I could see that happening a lot and feeling very shitty.

Speaker 4 (43:46):
But having the conversations ahead of time, like what type
of sex do you want? Ham stressed? I got a
logistics here meeting at four, we have about thirty minutes. Okay,
well what do you want? What do you want to do?

Speaker 2 (43:56):
Right?

Speaker 4 (43:57):
Great, let's do that. Oh but let's incorporate right what
we need for aftercare too, so we know it's not
like you're watching the clock, but like you're aware.

Speaker 2 (44:05):
Yeah, what do you what's your take on like scheduling
sex for couples that maybe just need a little bit
more direction.

Speaker 4 (44:13):
Absolutely love it. I think there is nothing wrong with
scheduling sex. Everyone thinks spontaneous sex exists. It does not.
Someone was already thinking about it. You don't just randomly
touch someone's elbow at the grocery store and have sex
with them. Someone was thinking about sex before him.

Speaker 3 (44:30):
So when we talk.

Speaker 4 (44:30):
About scheduling, okay, cool, Like the kids are going to
be in bed, we're gonna do date night and then
we have time to connect. It's not a sexpectation, but
now I have anticipation towards getting ready, something that we
have during dating. Right, So when we're dating somebody like,
I'm gonna shake my legs.

Speaker 5 (44:50):
Just like we're going on a nice day where it's
gonna end up having sex. Yeah, like that's true. So
I get in a marriage a lot of times, you don't.

Speaker 4 (44:56):
We don't. It just becomes the mundane routine that you have.
So scheduling sex and the bad it's actually kind of
cool if you actually look at it that way. Not
like I have to have sex with them on Thursday
at eight o'clock. But you have to choose to look
at it in a different way.

Speaker 2 (45:14):
Yeah, Well it can kind of help you put you
in ease a little bit too, you know. So you're
not like trying so hard to make sure that happens.
Like I've been on a date where you're at dinner
the girls like, hey, can we have sex a night.

Speaker 5 (45:24):
It's happened a couple of times. I'm like, Hi, nice
to meet.

Speaker 2 (45:29):
It's like, all of a sudden, it's like, oh, this
night just got a little bit more relaxed, you know,
like I'm not even thinking about whether we're going through
Like that's happening at the end of the night, and
it's it is kind of nice.

Speaker 5 (45:38):
It's a nice feeling.

Speaker 4 (45:40):
You guys are on the same page. What's wrong with that?

Speaker 5 (45:42):
Yeah, no, it makes sense. You brought up porn a
little bit ago. What's your thoughts on that?

Speaker 4 (45:48):
Ooh. I think porn is the shiny object that we
like to attack, and there's a whole list of issues
underneath it. Porn is a tool. I think that a hammer.
We can cause murder with it, or it can just
be a tool. Sure, I am not going to advocate
for porn, because I think there's some things there that

(46:09):
we need to look at.

Speaker 2 (46:10):
But there's a well, let me let me ask you
that you say it's a tool, I just I look
at that it's like, if that's what you need your.

Speaker 4 (46:18):
Deep shit, great, Okay you need porn, so you're a
visual turn on. Go make homemade porn.

Speaker 2 (46:25):
Sure that's differ than porn, though, is it. Yes, what's
wrong with your own spouse is much different than looking
at others.

Speaker 4 (46:33):
So we're going back to definitions.

Speaker 5 (46:34):
Sure, yeah, it's whatever you want to call.

Speaker 4 (46:36):
So what's wrong with ethical porn? You mean, like, what
is ethical porn?

Speaker 1 (46:41):
Right?

Speaker 5 (46:44):
I guess yeah.

Speaker 2 (46:44):
I mean obviously you that's true because like when a
girl is sending you a selfies or videos or whatever,
that doesn't feel wrong at all. Yeah, that feels that
that's a turn on. So you saying that's like ethical porn, sure,
I guess. Like, so porn of other people is a
total different thing, and it's you getting to decide what
that looks like.

Speaker 4 (47:02):
Yeah, you get to sign in your marriage what that
looks like.

Speaker 5 (47:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
No, I mean I'm hoping to the idea that, like
my own upbringing is why I have the opinions I
have about porn. I just I wouldn't want to be
in a relationship where we need that to get aroused
with each other.

Speaker 4 (47:14):
And that's my belief that it's your beliefs and that's
your agreements and your relationship there. But if you didn't
have those beliefs and you were a visual turn on, great,
But many people have grew up in an era where
porn's easy and we have not learned to regulate our
own nervous systems, and we use porn as a badge. Yeah,

(47:38):
we don't know how to regulate ourselves, and we will
use porn for this is why I need shiny object.

Speaker 5 (47:43):
Kay.

Speaker 4 (47:43):
Are we actually talking about porn? Are we talking about masturbation?

Speaker 2 (47:45):
I think porn masturbation are very different. I actually think
masturbation could be a way to explore yourself. David Dta
talks about this. You know, you can do it as
the word you like to use ethically, whereas you know,
attaching it to watching torn too, it I think is
very destructive.

Speaker 5 (48:02):
That's my personal belief.

Speaker 4 (48:04):
Yeah. Then, but I try not to put my personal
beliefs into things because I want people to come to
their own conclusions and what's good in their relationship.

Speaker 5 (48:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (48:14):
I think it's like ultimate, Yeah, it's a good barrier.
It's like, look, I don't feel bad masturbating to a
picture of a girl. Dating that she sent me or
a video, right, But I would feel bad if I
was dating somebody and I'm looking at videos of other women.
So it's like, it's your own personal belief system. Is
what really is important?

Speaker 5 (48:31):
Is what you're saying.

Speaker 4 (48:31):
Yeah, and some women think they own their husband's orchests.

Speaker 2 (48:36):
I've heard guys actually jealous of a woman's vibrator, same
kind of thing, right, Like, I was like, what are
you talking about?

Speaker 5 (48:43):
To me?

Speaker 2 (48:44):
I was like, I don't care if my wife is
getting out for the vibr but some guys that feels
very threatening.

Speaker 5 (48:49):
Kind Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 4 (48:51):
So if you are using horn and then the woman,
let's say say I was insecure about my body, well,
because you like her more, we're not talking all we're
talking about your insecurity.

Speaker 5 (49:01):
Yeah, so let's go to that for a second.

Speaker 2 (49:04):
How do you it was for the man or the
woman if they're not as attracted to their partner as
they like to be, and that's causing a problem sexually,
because I think it's a big one. You know, when
I get guys to be really honest with me, a
lot of times that's one of the biggest problems in
their marriages. They're just not that attracted to their wife.
And we do live in an era unfortunately that you
can see the most beautiful women that have ever existed

(49:27):
in all the flesh is whenever you want very remps
in your pocket, right, And so it causes these problems
where they do get hooked on porn and other things.
How do you approach the subject if you're just not
as physically attracted to your partner, whether it's a woman
or a man, as maybe you would like to be,
it is.

Speaker 4 (49:42):
Going to be ugly and it's going to hit every
core wound that that woman has, and you need to
decide if that is the right time for it.

Speaker 5 (49:54):
Or bringing up or do you just deal with it
as a man.

Speaker 2 (49:57):
You're trying to keep your family together, you're trying to
keep this marriage together, but you're just not attracted to
your wife, like it's very real.

Speaker 4 (50:03):
Well, you do sit with yourself and really look and
see if it's you and you issue or her issue. Yeah,
my wife let herself go. I'm no longer in love
with that version of her.

Speaker 5 (50:14):
Each it's brutal pace. Yeah, it sucks.

Speaker 4 (50:17):
So it's going to be one of those things where okay,
do where do I want to go do I want
to continue my relationship with this woman even though I'm
not attracted to her. In I was attracted to a
version that's no longer there. That's sad, that's heartbreak. It's
heartbreak basically, right, you're no longer in life.

Speaker 2 (50:37):
Ideally, your relationships so much deeper than just the physical
or the sex or whatever.

Speaker 4 (50:41):
Well, that's why I said, is this really an issue?

Speaker 5 (50:43):
You issue?

Speaker 2 (50:44):
L I get it, And that's like very honest too,
And you just I think there are a lot of
situations where the guys, I look, I'm willing to overcome
this or like look past this or whatever you want
to look at it. I just wish I was more
attracted to my wife. I'm not going to leave her.
I'm not going to step out on her. And how
do I get her to lose thirty pounds?

Speaker 4 (51:03):
Yeah, it's real, that's just it was that right, because
there's a difference of like my wife gained weight because
she has health issues versus my wife gave up on life. Yes,
I'm not in love with someone that gave up on life,
but I can understand and find you know, empathy, sympathy,
whatever you want for someone that's going through it.

Speaker 2 (51:25):
Yeah, especially like you're gonna lead your wife when she's pregnant.
You know, it was like step out, like he was
an asshole. Yeah, not her issue, but for her issue.
Or like when they get older together, right, Like I
think part of the beauty is like and I had.

Speaker 5 (51:38):
A buddy, he's brilliant.

Speaker 2 (51:40):
He's just very good at this stuff, My buddy Travis,
and he's like he's like when you fall in love
and you get into the relationship, you understand how little
the sex has to do with that, and it's so
much deeper and it's like okay, And that's the thing
that I've always kind of like tried to help guys
understand when they have that problem. But it is, you know,
it's real. It's just just is real life.

Speaker 4 (52:01):
So understand, Like let's go and understand like what actually,
like the physical aspect, what that means to us. We
as humans are attracted to certain ages because of around
something that happened within us, right, we get really like weird.
And you can go into the younger even the younger

(52:22):
age is the teenage. You know, why are you attracted
to the teenager here versus or I won't go into
that not therapist, not my lane, but there's things here
we need to look at. Right, So understand that I'm
attracted to youth. Oh well, youth means X y Z
to me, right. That means that woman can have a baby.

(52:45):
That's what I'm attracted to. There's nothing wrong with it.
It's just knowing that that's where you are at. It
really doesn't mean anything is wrong. It just means that, Okay,
this is this is I might be here, but she
is over here, and that is why I'm attracted to this.
Is there something I need to do within myself? That

(53:07):
is is this a core? Is there a wound here
that needs to be healed? And that actually might brought
in your attraction level?

Speaker 5 (53:14):
How do you discover those things you like?

Speaker 4 (53:18):
Shadow work? Want to open some closet.

Speaker 5 (53:23):
I brought in Banetta to do our shadow work with
Group one.

Speaker 4 (53:28):
I love. That was my favorite fucking story.

Speaker 5 (53:31):
She's the best.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
I brought her in to do our men's group and
to do shadow work, and I was very hesitant because
I know the importance of it, but it's also just
so taboo. Right. Oh yeah, And so I had a
call with all the wives ahead of time, and I
had her come on two calls. I was really trying
to like prep this the right way, and she just.

Speaker 5 (53:51):
Got She shows up.

Speaker 2 (53:54):
And she's wearing this cat woman costume, tight tight latex,
and she's gorgeous. You know, she's being and she's got
a whip and the whole room looks at me like,
what the hell are we doing? And I'm looking at
them like I have no idea what the hell we're doing?
And did you end up hearing about the experience though?

Speaker 4 (54:11):
Yeah, the people had a great like there was a mix.

Speaker 5 (54:13):
Of well, there was a lot of buds puckered up
for free.

Speaker 2 (54:16):
A lot of guys were like, I don't know if
I still want to be in this program with Jimmy,
A lot of guys.

Speaker 5 (54:21):
One guy had the breakthrough of this entire program.

Speaker 2 (54:24):
The coolest part was she actually kind of broke down
and she got this healing. She said, I've never been
in a room of men where I felt so safe
and it healed a lot of her winds and that
was the part to me. I was like, oh, this
was for her and it was so beautiful. I don't
remember shit about the shadow where she was a little
bit of a mess during it because she was going

(54:45):
through her healing moment, but it was such a beautiful thing,
and I was like, I sat back and.

Speaker 5 (54:50):
I was like, I grew up in this super Mormon
household and I've.

Speaker 2 (54:53):
Just had this pretty you know, the things like that
were just not in my world. Say that and to
be able to have that experience. I sat back kind
of like, good for you, Jimmy, for putting yourself out there,
for trying something. And I know she end up working
with you and your husband. She've been working with a
lot of people that have been instrumental in helping their lives.
And I'm like, you know what, I did, put myself

(55:14):
out there, and I took a risk and.

Speaker 5 (55:16):
It fucking paid off.

Speaker 2 (55:17):
Oh yeah, And so I'm so proud of myself for
doing that because it was I don't know, I was
just trying stuff. I was like, I want to I
want to bring the most value that I can, and
not everything works, but it did work for some people.

Speaker 4 (55:29):
Shadow work is really fun. So finding your sexual shadow
opens up so many lanes. So you're asking, like, what
you know, where to start understanding what a sexual shadow
is and what So I'll use I'll use myself, Okay,
I throw myself under the bus. So I am a brat.
So a brat is basically someone that says make me.

(55:50):
You say go left, I'm going right every time. Okay,
you're shaking your head like you know that about me. Okay.
My husband might not have understood that at one point.
So that's where a lot of our fiction came from.
But now that he understands that, this piece of me,
when it probably happened, was a little girls have told
me not to be brat, So everything about me growing up,

(56:10):
I'm like, I will never be that because I just
want to be loved. So I'm going to shove it
all in this closet. Well, things about when we start
shoving things in closet, they leak out. So when me
and my husband would get in an argument, I would
be brat. I would say things that I actually probably
didn't mean, just to push his buttons. But now that
we learned that I had this shadow and I kind

(56:31):
of pulled it out of the closet and played with it.
Now we banter about it, we laugh about it, like
we know how to play with the brat mentality when
it comes out. But if you never knew that it's
going to cause some problems.

Speaker 5 (56:45):
Yeah, that's valid.

Speaker 2 (56:47):
Well, if people want to learn how to do more
work with you. If they want to hire you for
intimacy coaching, sex coaching, orever you want to call me,
by the way, so the people want to intimidate it,
maybe speak a little bit to what sex coaching is.

Speaker 5 (56:58):
Like, I know some people have that Ida does she
watched me with my that's my favorite.

Speaker 2 (57:03):
But it's like for people that don't understand it, it's like,
what is this you know is so maybe explain real
quick what it is and.

Speaker 5 (57:09):
How they can get hold of you for for coaching.

Speaker 4 (57:12):
Really, what I do is I teach couples how to
have the conversations about sex. We don't go into the
ins and outs unless you really need it. But it's
more about how to create safety, how to talk to it,
how to talk about the present and where you want
to go. So the difference between what's something I would
do or like sex therapy. Sex therapy is going to

(57:34):
pull you back into the past. We don't really touch
much of the past. We work on what's going on
in the present moment and then move forward and create
a plan for how to move forward, how to get
hold of me Instagram, Amanda Krutful and then Amanda Krupful
dot com. What'spelling that It's probably to be.

Speaker 5 (57:53):
Thanks hearing so well. I appreciate you coming on. This
was fun.

Speaker 2 (57:56):
Yeah, it's just it's important to talk about, you know,
the lugger I've been doing, the the men's coaching. The
more I realize, like this is one of those topics
that I'm going to actually create an entire loutis around
it because it's so important for men and to be
able to the more you're able to communicate and talk
about it, all of a sudden, it's not intimidating, it's
not scary, it's not weird.

Speaker 5 (58:13):
You're how open I am. And you know, I've.

Speaker 2 (58:15):
Learned to leave dates and people's names out of things.
But like if I can, like if we can laugh
a little bit about my own experiences and it helps
other people in theirs, Like it brings meaning to my
paid it brings meaning to my embarrassment, it brings meaning
to my misfortune in any way, and so it's like
I'm happy to do it, and that's why I do this.

Speaker 4 (58:33):
So that's one of my favorite things to do. I
didn't realize it was one of my favorite. It doesn't
take from me. That's why I actually really enjoy this.
I don't have sexual shame when it comes to this stuff.
I'm like, you want to tell me something weird on
I'll come up to you and I'm like and.

Speaker 5 (58:48):
Yeah, no, I'm super proud of how hard I've had
to work on this.

Speaker 2 (58:51):
I mean, I've a lot of hired multiple sex coaches
just to help me be able to be able room
naked with a woman and not feel worried about it,
you know, and be able to go from there.

Speaker 5 (59:00):
So well, thank you again. You're the best. Appreciate you