How to Stop Compromising Yourself

In this episode, Kristi shares how we sometimes compromise ourselves and our needs without realizing it, and offers some tips and insights on how to shift that, touching on boundaries, self-confidence, self-worth, and relationships. Plus, a simple habit that can have big payoff. 

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to the Joyschool podcast. Real talk about what it
takes to create your happiest, healthiest and most dynamic life.
And now here's your host, transformational life coach, happiness strategist
and best selling author, Christy ling Spencer.

Speaker 2 (00:20):
Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of
the show. I am so happy that you're with me,
and I hope you're feeling wonderful today. I hope you're
at peace. I hope you're feeling uplifted, or at least
will be after you listen to this episode. I hope
you're feeling good and optimistic about everything going on in

(00:41):
your life. I know the world is a bit challenging
right now, and we're all having to do quite a
bit of mindset work around that and even setting boundaries
as to what media we're consuming or even the people
that we're hanging around right and so I just want
to let you know that I am in it too.
We're all in this together. I see you, I honor you,

(01:02):
and I recognize and validate all of the feelings that
you might have about everything going on in the world
right now. It is definitely an unusual time and a
time when many people are feeling overwhelmed, and it can
make all the other things in our life that are
normally manageable more difficult. It can wreak havoc on our

(01:23):
nervous systems and cause extra stress and disturb sleep. And
we really have to work extra hard and do a
lot of mindset work. And I've been doing extra meditations,
I've been doing extra walks and really trying to create
peace in my life at a different level than is
normally required. And so I just want to let you

(01:43):
know we're in this together and just send you so
much love. So with that, I want to share with
you that today's episode is actually being recorded quite spontaneously.
This is something I woke up thinking about this morning
and it was so present in my heart and mind.
I was like, I have to record an episode on
this right now. And that is how we can stop

(02:05):
compromising ourselves in our life. So what do I mean
by that, Well, there are so many ways that we
compromise ourselves in micro ways which can actually be damaging
in the long term when they happen repeatedly and we
don't even notice it that we're compromising ourselves, and that
can look like saying yes to things that we really

(02:27):
are not aligned with or don't want to do. That
can mean eating things that we promised ourselves we wouldn't
eat anymore. That can mean staying in friendships or work
relationships or romantic relationships that are not serving us, but
yet we adore this person, and so we don't really
have the courage or the boundaries to either distance ourselves

(02:50):
or end those relationships. And there can be major ways
we're compromising ourselves, like doing things that we know are
terrible for our health, yet we continue to do them
for some reason. And we just really haven't made the
firm decision yet to stop compromising ourselves in that area. Right,
And So I woke up this morning thinking about the
new standards I've set for myself in the last couple

(03:12):
of years. And believe me, I have ruffled some feathers.
A couple years back, I just decided, you know what,
I'm going to raise my standards for myself, my personal
standards in all areas of my life, because there are
certain things I just don't want to tolerate anymore. Certain
ways I am no longer going to accept being treated
or maybe in positive ways, like, oh, there are new

(03:35):
things I want to reach for, or new things that
are going to be my standards in the type of
hotel room that I might stay in, or the trips
I want to take, or new people I want to
meet and bring into my life. Right so, raising my
standards in all areas has been a growth process and
a journey. And like I said, I have ruffled some
feathers too, because it involved having to create some new

(03:56):
boundaries and having heartfelt conversations with people that I love
to say, here are some things I don't really want
in my life anymore, and here are some new things
I'm reaching for, and I would love your support. And
when you are going through these types of changes and
growth in your life, when you are growing, when you
are raising your standards, and when you decide that you're

(04:17):
not going to compromise yourself anymore in certain areas, you
might ruffle some feathers along the way. Growth is not
always easy. It can be painful sometimes, and there's a
little bit of grief involved sometimes, but it is always
so worth it. And so this morning I woke up
thinking about a particular relationship in my life that has

(04:38):
been hurtful to me for quite some time, and I
just as much as I love and adore this person,
this person does not seem to hold me in the
same regard in the ways that I would hold them
as far as like the standards in which I would
stand behind this person and have their back and like

(04:59):
to see them be treated, if that makes sense. And
so as difficult as it is, I'm like, you know,
I've got other people in my life that I would
love to spend more time with and more energy on
those relationships because they do have my back, and they
love me to death, and they love being in the
same room with me, and they cheer me on and

(05:20):
they lift me up, and I feel like I do
the same for them, and those are the relationships that
I really, really really want to put my time and
energy and focus on. And as difficult and challenging as
it can be, I have got to put some distance
between myself and a couple of relationships in my life
where I just have felt like disregarded and even hurt

(05:45):
in micro ways and even some ways that were a
little bit larger than micro over the last few years.
And you know, I woke up just thinking about this
this morning because I've been feeling a little bit hurt
lately about something going on in a particular friendship, and
I just was like, you know, it feels really good
to say I need to take that time and energy

(06:05):
and put it toward the relationships that I would love
to see grow more and flourish more. That is really
the way to look at it. And sometimes this has
such a powerful impact when instead of saying, oh, I
need to let this go, we say I need to
shift that energy over to a place that I can

(06:28):
be of better service and that can serve me and
uplift my life in a stronger way. Right, It's a
very different way to look at it, and then it
can make things feel good. Are they going to feel great?
Is it going to be perfect? No? Sometimes making these
changes is a little bumpy, it's a little rough, right,
But when you're able to change the story you're telling
yourself about it and really recognizing the purpose behind the

(06:51):
reason that you're creating those shifts, it can bring peace
to your heart. And so speaking of peace to your heart,
you know, that's another thing. Sometimes in our life we
tolerate things that are affecting our nervous system, are causing
us stress, and we are doing them anyway because we
don't realize that at the end of the day, by

(07:13):
indulging in those things, whether their habits, whether it's things
like watching too much news, whether it's hanging around people
that complain all the time or who don't make you
feel good or lift you up, that those are ways
that we are compromising ourselves, right, And so when you
think of it that way, you're like, well, I never
would intentionally compromise myself, right, But what are all the

(07:36):
ways that you might be compromising yourself in your life
that you're not even realizing is actually compromising yourself? And
I woke up feeling that this morning. In a few
big ways in my life. There are certain foods I
am cutting out that had been considered healthy before but
that I've discovered contain ingredients or certain things that are

(07:58):
actually not healthy. Or there are certain brands of food
and personal care products and things that I always thought
were a little bit cleaner and a little bit greener
and better for my health that I've realized, oh wow,
they're not as clean and green as I thought they were.
I need to look for some alternatives. And while there
are alternatives to be found, and I'm really grateful for that,

(08:19):
it takes a little bit of time and energy to
do that homework and research. But also it can be
hard to let certain things go because all the habits
die hard, right. So this is a small example, but
I recently learned that certain hummices. I'm a big hummus eater.
I love it on sandwiches, I use it instead of
mayo quite a bit. I love it as a dip,

(08:40):
and I always buy organic and the cleanest I can.
And I learned recently that there are certain hummuses that,
even though they're organic, have tested positive for pesticides. And
I really try as much as I positively can to
avoid things with harsh chemicals and pesticides in my life,
and I was disappointed to find out that these are
organic brands that are supposed to be clean, we're still

(09:02):
testing positive for pesticides. And you can look this up.
Go to Environmental Working Groups website. Just GOOGLEWG. I believe
it's EWG dot org, but google Environmental Working Group, look
up their report that they did on hummus and you'll
see what I'm talking about. I'm going off into the
weeds a little bit here. So back to what I
was saying is I'm a big hummus eater. There was

(09:24):
always a certain brand that I loved that was an
organic brand that tested positive for pesticides. And I'm like,
oh shoot, now I have to shift that habit. But
I'm not going to compromise myself, right, and shifting that
habit is going to require me to go to an
entirely different grocery store, which is probably three or four
miles further than the one I go to. So it's like,

(09:44):
oh gosh, really, but you know what, I have since
discovered that that grocery store that's a couple miles further
away actually has many things that are higher quality and
of higher standard than the one that I've been going to.
So when I really I did moral work on it,
I realized that that is going to be an overall
better shift in my life, even though it's going to change.

(10:06):
I'm going to have to change habits and it's going
to take me a few extra minutes to do to
go to this new grocery store. And so what I
love about this whole thing. I know I got up
into the weed. There're a second, But if you're a
hummus eater, you probably appreciated that. But what I love
about this whole thing. The moral of this whole Hummus
story is that many times in our life, when we
commit to making a change that is up to our

(10:28):
new standards, or that is in an area where we're
no longer going to compromise ourselves anymore, sometimes that small
change that seems like a pain in the butt ends
up being a great change in so many other areas.
And so look for those great changes. Look for the
ripple effect of all the great changes that come from
the small shifts that you make in your life. When

(10:51):
you decide to recognize areas where you have been compromising
yourself or lowering your standards or accepting things that are
hurt to your heart or your soul, or that aren't
good for your body or your mind, or your mental
health or your nervous system. Right, And so what I
would encourage you to do the biggest thing that helps
me in this area. And this is sort of like

(11:13):
a little homework assignment from this episode. Take a piece
of paper or your journal and write down areas in
your life that maybe you hadn't put a lot of
thought into, or you had put just passive thought into
that hadn't created change. Yet write down some areas in
your life where you feel like maybe you've been compromising yourself,
maybe you've been accepting things on a lower level of standards.

(11:36):
Then you know in your heart that you should right
write those down. There are actual studies that say when
you write things down, don't do it electronically, don't do
it on your computer. Actually take an old fashioned pen
and piece of paper or a journal and write down
a bullet pointed list of areas that you maybe have
been compromising yourself or accepting things at a lower level,

(12:00):
and where you'd like to make the shift. So first
write down those areas that you know right away that
your heart and mind is telling you, yeah, you've been
saying yes to this, or you've been showing up for
this commitment that no longer serves you, or you've been
compromising yourself in this friendship or this relationship or this
area of your professional life. And then on another piece

(12:21):
of paper or just flip that one over or on
a different page of your journal, write the new standards
or the ways that you're going to bring resolve to
these areas. So, maybe it's you're going to let some
things go right. Maybe it's that you're just going to
make a shift in that habit. Maybe there's some areas
or some things you're going to say no to from

(12:41):
now on. Maybe there's some commitments you're going to gracefully
bow out of, whatever it may be. Because I'm all
about writing things down, but I'm also very solutions oriented,
because this is how we really create change in our life.
And by the way, those studies that show that when
you write things down they're more powerful, there is also
research that shows that when you write things down, you

(13:03):
remember them more. And so writing these things down, the
things you're no longer going to do or tolerate or
compromise yourself on right, and then writing down the solutions
or the answers to those things or the actions you're
going to take as a result to create shifts in
those areas, You'll remember them more as you go about
your day, and it will make it that much more easy,

(13:26):
that much easier to actually implement those changes in those
shifts in your life. And I've talked on this show
before about raising your standards, but I wanted to really
just dive in a bit to talking about what areas
maybe that we're compromising ourselves because you know, I went
through this journey of raising my standards and it's been
so great, and I think it's an ongoing practice too,

(13:48):
because as we change and grow as human beings, our
standards might change. Maybe we'll even elevate them a little
bit more. Maybe there's other things that we used to
tolerate that seemed okay at the time that are no
longer okay as we grow and change. Right, But when
we're doing that, sometimes we still can have a tendency
to compromise ourselves. Those two things are a little bit different,

(14:10):
although they can go hand in hand, and so for me,
I'm not willing to compromise myself like okay. So here's
another example. Last fall, right around Thanksgiving, I stopped eating meat.
So I went back to a pescatarian diet, which I
did a few years ago. Several years back. I was
a pescatarian for a few years actually, and then got

(14:34):
away from that for a while. But last fall I decided,
you know, this is beneath my personal standards. And by
the way, this is no judgment at all if you
are not a vegetarian or a pescatarian. I believe it's
a personal choice. How we want to eat. But I
do believe everybody should look at what is the highest
and best way to eat that serves their body, mind,

(14:57):
soul and nervous system and brain health right and mental health.
So those are areas to look at and decide where
you don't want to compromise yourself anymore. But if that
choice for you is to not be a vegetarian or
a pescatarian, that is totally fine. But for me, that
was my personal choice, and so I made that personal
choice and it was It's been a little bumpy along

(15:19):
the way. So this is sort of a funny example.
I took a vacation to Mexico with my husband one
of our favorite all inclusive resorts there in Kozumel, which
I love, and I did a total rookie move. So
this was the first vacation I took after setting that
new standard of a way of eating in my life.
And I went there and I brought no protein bars,

(15:42):
no green superfoods powder. I did bring some of my
vitamin supplements, but I didn't bring any very healthy protein
type related snacks with me, and I was kind of
left high and dry on a few of those meals
and basically ate salad for a week, and so because

(16:03):
they didn't have a lot of seafood. Believe it or not,
you think an ocean front resort would have quite a
bit of seafood, but there really wasn't. They had a
little bit of telapia a few of the days, and
I don't eat telapia. So even though I'm a pescatarian,
I'm actually fairly strict about the bit of seafood that
I do eat. I make sure that it's all very
clean and sustainable and harvested in very ethical and humane

(16:27):
as humane as possible ways, and I really follow that.
So I had a rough time. I'm not gonna lie.
I don't eat telapia, and that's mainly what they were serving.
And tallapia is really kind of a dirty, nasty fish
if you read about it, it's like probably one of
the dirtiest fish you can eat, and the way it
is farmed and raised is not really ethical. Talapia is

(16:47):
not a thing. Actually, it's kind of a made up fish.
You really have to go do your research on it.
But anyway, this is not a show about talapia. But
that is a personal choice of mine. And you know,
I didn't even think about it before we went. So
I was really really hungry all week and eating basically
like a rabbit. And so that was an example of
how sometimes we're setting new standards and when we decide

(17:10):
not to compromise ourselves in certain areas that we actually
have to think about and be proactive about. Okay, well,
I'm not going to tolerate this anymore, or I'm not
going to compromise myself in this area anymore, or I'm
going to set this new standard for myself. So if
I set that new standard or decide to be strict
about this boundary, how am I going to make sure

(17:33):
that I'm still okay? And if I need to supplement
in an area or take a new action or create
a new habit in order to support that change, right
then how am I going to go about that? How
is that going to be part of the solution and
part of the shift. So for me, that one vacation
really taught me. Okay, when I travel now, I'm going

(17:55):
to bring like my grain super Foods powder. I love
amazing grass green souper Foods powder. I don't have anything
to do with that brand. I just love their product
and they do make like little travel packs, or I
will put some in a little glass container. By the way,
that's another area that I've shifted in my life this
past year. I know longer as much as possible, invite

(18:15):
plastic into my life. I am in love with any
sort of non toxic glass containers I can find in
little glass jars, and I use them for travel and
I just roll them up inside shirts or inside sweats
or whatever to keep them protected in my luggage. But
I have switched over to glass both in my kitchen
and my personal care products. So that's just another personal

(18:37):
standard that I've had to make some changes around, right,
And that's me. That's just my thing. But anyway, I
will put some of the healthy protein snacks. So now
when I travel, I bring nuts. I love Macadamian nuts,
I love walnuts, and I will put those in some
glass containers in my suitcase. I will bring with me
my superfoods and of course all my supplements and other

(18:57):
snacks as well, healthy snacks where I'm allowed, because not
all areas allow you to bring fruit. Where I'm allowed to,
I will bring things like tangerines and naval oranges, organic
naval oranges and things like that. So that I've got
my healthy foods when I travel, and I won't go
hungry at any more all inclusive resorts eating salad all week.
So I'm sharing some personal things with you in this episode,

(19:19):
but just because I think these things are relatable on
a number of levels, Like maybe it's not going pescatarian
that you're doing. Maybe you're trying to make another change
in your life and you haven't really thought about the
areas that you might need to fill in with in
order to support that change. Right, it is all applicable
and all relatable. So I want to go back and
just repeat something I said earlier because I think it's

(19:42):
so important to remember when you're doing this homework exercise
of writing down areas in your life where maybe you've
been compromising yourself and then writing down the solutions for that. Right,
I really want to repeat what I said earlier about
the fact that there are some big areas where we
can be compromising ourselves, and we kind of know we're

(20:02):
compromising ourselves, yet for some reason we keep doing it. Now,
in order to stop that, affirm decision is needed. You
just have to decide and then create new habits around
not doing that. Thing, right. But a really important thing
that I want to reiterate here to remember is that
there are areas in our life where sometimes there are
micro areas that we're compromising ourselves and we're doing it

(20:25):
in such small, microscopic ways that we're not even really
realizing it. But the cumulative effect of those things can
really recavoc on our life to the point where we
don't even realize what it is that's been causing us
to feel this ick, or maybe to have a lack

(20:46):
of energy, maybe we're not sleeping. Well, are there other
things in your life where maybe you've been compromising yourself
in small micro ways that you just haven't really paid
attention to or been mindful about. Right, So for me,
here's a one more great example and then we'll wrap
things up. If you follow me on Instagram or TikTok,
you might have seen my video that I posted recently

(21:06):
about how burnout snuck up on me. I went through
this stage fairly recently where oh my gosh, I was
waking up in the morning just not motivated. I didn't
have the spark and the light in me that I
normally have. I just sort of ran out of fuel
and I was like, what is going on? And I
was feeling not necessarily exhausted, but fatigued, like a low

(21:30):
level of fatigue, and also just quite a bit of indifference.
Food wasn't tasting the same to me. The levels of
joy that certain things brought to me in my life
consistently just weren't there. And I was feeling just kind
of like blah, and I had to really stop and
drop everything. It takes some time to figure out what
was this, what was going on, and then figure out solutions.

(21:54):
Like I said, I'm a very solutions oriented person. So
what I realized when I really went deep with this,
as at the end of the day, it was just burnout.
I just had taken on too much this last several months.
I had some family issues that were a little bit
overwhelming that I had to move through. I had some
personal things I was moving through. I had some health issues,
some of which I've talked about on the show that

(22:15):
I was moving through, and the combination and the weight
of all that all at once just kind of burnt
me out. And you know, I gave myself a lot
of grace because when I really looked at all of it,
I was like, oh, my gosh, that would burn anybody out.
So I was like, Okay, Christy, it's time to look
at maybe some areas where you need to let some
things go, stop compromising yourself, create some solutions, and create

(22:38):
some new shifts in order to lift yourself out of
that burnout funk. And I'm actually going to do another
episode on burnout because I think there is a very systemic,
like almost an epidemic of burnout happening right now because
of so many things going on in the world, because
of all the energies that have been swirling about this
past couple of years, and then what's coming up, the elections,

(23:02):
and just all the things coming up in the world,
and so I think that that is a whole episode
in and of itself. So all that being said, my friends, really,
when you do this journal exercise, look at the tiny
ways that you might be compromising yourself and of course
the big obvious ways, and then write them all down

(23:22):
and then make a list of your solutions and the
shifts you'd like to create or the things you'd like
to let go in order to create new energy in
your life and set new standards. All right. So with
that that brings us to the part of the show
called Joyschool Habits where I share a small habit that
you can create now, that you can start doing now

(23:43):
that will have a big impact on your life. And
by the way, I did realize I know a couple
of you pinged me and messaged me on this that
in the episode where I interviewed my dear friend doctor
Ray Doctor, I missed doing Joyschool Habits, and that was
because that episode was so long. There was so much
great stuff packed in there that I just completely forgot

(24:05):
and overlooked it. So my apologies to those of you
who's woo who one of your favorite parts of the
show is Joys School Habits. I will do my very
best not to miss anymore because I know so many
of you love it. So this week's Joyschool habit is
the one minute mindful moment or the mindful minute. And

(24:26):
so in this busy world, I totally realized that as
much as I talk about the need to have a
great morning routine and to do all these things in
the morning to support yourself and set yourself up for
an amazing day, in the real world, it's not always
possible every single day. So yes, overall, most days it's

(24:47):
really great if you've got a very helpful, healthy and
supportive morning routine, right, because this is how you set
yourself up for the most joy and success and happiness
in your life is by the way you live your mornings. However,
because in the real world, it's not possible to take
a full hour or more or even forty five minutes
or whatever each morning to do all the things that

(25:09):
really support us. Here's what I would love you to do.
Create this little habit and keep it in your pocket
of mindful moments or the mindful minute. And that is
even on your busiest, craziest morning. Like let's say you
have to get up at four thirty to go on
a trip. You have to head to the airport, right
and you're not even going to take a shower. You

(25:29):
shower the night before, and you've got your clothes all
laid out because you want to sleep as long as
you can and wake up and get out the door
as fat as you can. Here's an area where you
cannot compromise yourself. Give yourself one minute, sit in a
quiet corner, do some deep breathing, let your mind wander,
let your mind clear. For just one minute, you will

(25:52):
be so surprised how this tiny, little, one minute micro
gift you can give yourself even on the busiest heading
to the airport or have an early morning conference call
type of mornings can be. How much of a gift
this can be to you. Just one minute of calming
your heart, doing some deep breathing, calming your mind, calming

(26:13):
your nervous system, and setting an intention for the day
ahead can have a huge impact. All right, my friends,
thank you so much for being here with me for
this spontaneously recorded episode. If you liked this show. If
you liked this episode, please take a minute to write
a review over on Apple Podcasts or on your favorite platforms.

(26:34):
This really really really supports the show and helps other
people who might also enjoy it find it. And I
read them all. I appreciate you so much. Thank you
so much for being here, and remember you have the
power to create more amazing days, and more amazing days
add up to a pretty amazing life. Thank you so

(26:56):
much for being here. My friends, go out and create
a beautiful day, and I'll be with you again soon.