July 15, 2024 • 43 mins
Join Kristi and Ray Doktor, Psy. D. for a great (and fun!) conversation about how to identify limiting beliefs, get out of your own way, and thrive. Dr. Ray shares about his new book, All it Takes is One, and offers insightful tips on how to recognize when you're blocking yourself from reaching your goals.
Get Dr. Ray's book and read more about it here: https://kristilingspencer.com/2024/04/book-pick-all-it-takes-is-one/
Get Dr. Ray's book and read more about it here: https://kristilingspencer.com/2024/04/book-pick-all-it-takes-is-one/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:03):
Welcome to the Joyschool podcast. Realtalk about what it takes to create your
happiest, healthiest and most dynamic life. And now here's your host, transformational
life coach, happiness strategist and bestselling author, Christy ling Spencer. Well,
hello, my friends, and welcometo another episode of the Joyschool Podcast.
(00:26):
I'm Christy ling Spencer so excited thatyou are here for this episode.
It was my pleasure to have awonderful conversation with my longtime friend doctor Ray
Doctor or Doctor or as his friendscall him, Doctor Ray. For the
(00:46):
last twenty seven years, doctor Rayhas successfully helped over six thousand clients break
through limited beliefs and challenges to havebetter relationships, improved family lives, improved
life overall, and more success.And he is also so much fun to
converse with. I'm so glad you'rehere for this conversation, and so rather
(01:10):
than a lengthy introduction, we're justgoing to dive right in and welcome Ray
to the show. But before that, just want to mention he's got a
new book out called All It TakesIs One and it is already a bestseller.
I highly recommend it, and Ithink you're going to want to run,
not walk, to grab your copyafter you hear this great interview,
So enjoy my friends. Welcome DoctorRay. Thank you so much for being
(01:37):
with us on the show today.It's going to be amazing, and I
appreciate this space that you put togetherfor us to play and have a conversation.
I am so happy and grateful thatyou're here and for everybody listening.
Doctor Ray and I have been friendsfor oh my gosh, over a decade
now, many years and longer thanthat. Longer than that, it might
(02:00):
be like fifteen years almost maybe morein that I don't know. Oh my
gosh, you're scaring me a littleright now. Yeah, I think you
could be right, and really justfollowed each other on our journeys in this
world and it's in this space,and it's just been so great to see
the work that you have been doing. And I really wanted to have you
on the show because you have comeout with your very first book, which
(02:23):
I mentioned in the introduction earlier.All it Takes is One, and I
am so impressed with it. Itreally is something very special because I feel
like there are so many resources inthe personal development world out there that are
not warm and they don't really speakto somebody who might be just trying to
(02:44):
figure things out or take those firststeps and creating big change in their life
and becoming happier and becoming a moredynamic, healthier, and you know,
energetic person. And when I wroteOperation Happiness, that was kind of one
of my goals. I had certainfor a book that would really resonate with
me, that would feel personal andhave stories, and I couldn't find it.
(03:05):
So I wrote it, and Ifeel like you've done a little bit
of the same here. Does thatresonate? Yes, while you're talking,
I was about to say that,and it was this. So the coaching
industry is saturated, and it's saturatedwith people who have just went to a
weekend course or maybe a year ofhaving some insight to where you know,
(03:30):
there's a lot of healing that's neededon this planet. And more and more,
I started, without judgment, seeingsubpar information going out there, to
people reporting that they were taken advantageof in the coaching industry to where you
know, this also where it startedto become more about money. So you'll
(03:51):
hear or see coaches coaching coaches andcoaches coaches like this whole like almost like
multi level marketing thing. And sothe book was written a way to where
I was the underd I could seethe challenge and I didn't want to complain
about it because I didn't want tonecessary be putting myself out there and like
(04:11):
I was cutting down my competition becauseI don't see them as my competition,
but more how can I be thesolution and how can this solution be part
of my work anyway? And sothe book came from that space where,
hey, I've been doing this forthirty years, and I've worked with some
really good people, and I havebeen burned by people, and I want
you to know what journey I wenton to, how I was defensive,
(04:35):
how I had to discern the teacher'smessage over his contankerous personality, to all
of those things. So if aperson's in the beginning of their healing,
it's all there. It's all spelledout with the steps of like how you
begin your journey and how you're goingto meet people. You're going to go,
(04:55):
oh my god, you're more messedup than I am. That is
so true because when you do startto really care for yourself and get into
a journey, to improve your lifeand create the life that you're dreaming of
and envisioning, you really do startto notice the things in your life that
are out of alignment, including manypeople you know. I remember when I
(05:15):
went through my big transformation. Gosh, it's probably twenty years ago now.
I really noticed that a lot ofthings were falling away in my life once
I became more about self love andself confidence and honoring what I know my
value is and making my priorities inmy life to take care of my health
and well being and go after mydreams and still be there for my friends
(05:36):
and family at the highest level.When I really started trying to live that,
and I'm still working on that.By the way, nobody is perfect
in all those categories, I didnotice that what was out of alignment became
it was almost like neon, likea neon signs glowing in my life of
wow, that doesn't fit anymore,And relationships fell away, and I noticed
(05:59):
areas where I was in my ownway that I needed to heal. Past
traumas and past experiences came up thatI didn't even realize were still with me,
and I knew that more healing neededto happen, and this is this
is all what happens when people stepinto this journey that you have created this
book for to guide people through thiswho are really interested. They know they
(06:19):
want to go to the next levelin their life, they know they want
to be happier. Maybe they havea dream they want to go after,
and they're just not quite sure howto pull it all together to get started.
This book really is such a greatguide. And you know, I
want to I want to read justthe sub head here because the book is
called All it Takes is One,but then it's drop your one big hidden
(06:42):
belief and master your life. AndI love that you talk about how everybody
has things that had caused them toget in their own way, and a
lot of times it's a hidden belief. And so I love that because when
I first got this, when Ifirst ordered it, I was like,
Oh, I need to know whatmy one big hidden belief is. I
must have one. And so Ijust love that that you dive right in
(07:05):
right away before anybody even opens thebook as to how they're going to benefit
from reading it, which I thinkis so great. And so I wanted
to chat about chapter one because Chapterone is the courage to begin a step
into the unknown. Just the titleof the chapter resonated with me, and
it brought me back to like twentysomething years ago when I really was stepping
(07:27):
into the unknown. I had noidea the journey that I was about to
go on. And I feel likeso many people can relate to that.
And by the way, it's notsomething that only happens to us once in
our life, right, yeah,yeah, yeah, it's a process.
Yes, I almost feel like I'mkind of stepping into another version of that,
you know here in my fifties.And it is so true. It
(07:50):
is a process. But once you'vebeen through it one big time and you
kind of learn the skills and youlearn how to handle it, then the
next time it comes around and happens, you're like, oh, yeah,
yeah, been here before. No, well, doctor Rai's book, so
you know already, Like, forexample, you know your parents are transitioning
and you're trying to get them intoa facility. Well, you've never been
(08:13):
here before. You have the skills, though, so if you're dealing with
staff that don't care and the rootto you, if you had not done
your work, you would be likesaying Oh my god, what jerks and
whatever? But now you have thetools you're recognizing. Wait a minute,
maybe it's the industry too. MaybeI need to ask more questions to what
is it about me that has takenus so personally? So once again,
(08:35):
it's like whoa bringing it back tothat? Any Way, I love that
you brought that up, because Ithink you're so right. A lot of
people in Generation X and even millennialsare dealing with aging parents right now,
and it is a very stressful thing, especially if you have aging parents that
weren't entirely prepared for retirement right,and you really have to do a lot
(08:56):
of homework. It's as I saidearlier when we were chatting prior to the
show, that it's almost a fulltime job. And so that is another
area where people might find themselves intheir life, stepping into the unknown and
going through another personal transition and transformation, because when you're helping a family member
that you love so much, italso makes you reflect a lot on your
own life. And I've been doinga lot of that. So you're so
(09:18):
right. I probably need to rereadsome of this in relief in the context
of what you just said. Well, I know you want to read that
chapter. That was the section thatis why in that one section of the
book where it goes through the maineleven influencers, and I talk about death
because a lot of us don't havea healthy relationship to death. Therefore,
(09:39):
when it does happen, say too. And it's about to happen with a
family member, if you haven't dealtwith your own beliefs about it, it
will be more of a struggle towatch your parent die. You won't know
what to do with that. ThenSecondly, if you have unhealed trauma with
them, like they're abusive, Oh, that's a whole other level. And
(10:01):
so I've seen people deal with deathin the most difficult way because number one,
it hasn't made sense to them.Number Two, they're waiting for apology
of a parent who just now died. Oh my gosh. Yes. And
you know that whole thing of waitingfor an apology that you're never going to
receive is so challenging to work around. You have to do so much self
(10:22):
live in your heart. You haveto accept the apology that you're never going
to Yeah, you have to findlove around it. I actually wrote about
this in my book as well,because it's so true. And it's not
just with parents, it's with pastorrelationships, it's people, it's with adults
that maybe didn't treat you right whenyou were a child, Like I had
teachers that I'm just like, ohmy gosh, what was that teacher thinking?
(10:43):
How they treated me? You know, And so yeah, that is
a big one. So anybody who'slistening that is realizing that they have been
hungry for an apology that they're likelynever going to receive. There is healing
you work you can do around that, and quite a bit of that is
in doctor Ray's book here. Ilove that you brought that up. Well,
the Western model will diagnose this aschronic grief, chronic grief. So
(11:07):
I'll tell you what in a nutshell, chronic grief is. It's basically,
it's when you've complicated the process.You're overthinking it, you're waiting for an
apology. You maybe got over theparent quicker than you thought you should,
you're not crying your second guessing yourself. All these things can happen if death
(11:28):
doesn't make sense to you, orthe relationship you had with that loved one
doesn't make sense to you. Therefore, the process itself by how you're integrating
it has become complicated. Otherwise complicatedgrief is not something onto itself. But
we have a tendency to try tobox people and then that's it, rather
(11:48):
than to ask that person, butwhat do you hanging on to? What's
the secondary gain from not letting goof your parent? What responsibility do you
not want to take if you werejust let that go? And in the
book there it feels that wide openfor us to ask those questions, so
it's not so complicated and we startdoing the healing now, Like you said,
(12:11):
right now, there's a lot ofpeople gen xers that are now seeing
our parents pass away, and theyneed to make decisions and they need to
heal these things within the cells first, so it's more effortless. Yes,
Oh, I love that you saythat, and it's so true. There's
so much inner working and inner healingthat can be done through this time in
(12:33):
our lives, and it does makethings a little bit easier and gives a
lot of extra perspective to help youfeel more grounded and even more clear headed
because it is so easy. Likewhat I've been going through the last few
months, there have been times whenI needed to just ground myself and do
some breath work and gain some clarityand do some work, and then revelations
(12:54):
would come. I would be like, Oh, here's how to handle that
thing, or here's a how tohandle that situation. And you get overwhelmed,
and you get caught up in thefeelings of your waiting for apologies or
something traumatized you years ago that youhaven't resolved, or you've got things in
the moment that are very stressful,that are overwhelming you. Learning to take
those pauses and going within is sovaluable, so valuable. Love that you
(13:18):
said that, and you know thatbeing said, it's so The very first
paragraph of your book had me laughing, like immediately, And when a book
can have me laughing and relating rightaway right out of the gate, I
know I'm going to love it.And so that's one more thing I want
to say about your book as Iwent through it, just how relatable it
(13:41):
is. You know, you area doctor, right, and an excellent
doctor and an amazing coach, butyet at the same time you people don't
know this about you, But ifI might say, you are a very
funny guy with a dry sense ofhumor and you tell it like it is,
and you know, I think moreand more people to and they so
appreciate that, especially with like youwere talking about earlier, all the noise
(14:05):
on social media, all the misinformation, all the toxic positivity. You actually
tell it like it is. You'restraight and real with people, and there's
something just so refreshing about that.And I try to align myself with that
all the time in everything I do. And I think it's so important because
you're right, there is a lotof misinformation out there and things that can
steer people the wrong way. ButI just want to read everybody this first
(14:28):
paragraph because this will open us upto the next part of our conversation here.
So this is in chapter one,the Courage to Begin a Step into
the Unknown. Mary sought my coachingdue to her anxiety in new social environments
and around large crowds. On theday of her initial appointment, she called
me from her car parked outside mybuilding, expressing her apprehension and proposing a
(14:50):
reschedule. I softly reminded her thatthis was the exact issue she wanted to
address. Conceding to my point,she agreed to a meeting in the park
across from my office. I lovethat, and I was just laughing because
everyone can relate to that. It'sso true how sometimes we tend to get
(15:13):
in our own way with the exactbehavior that we're trying to heal. Yes,
yes, I'll have you to expanda little more on that, because
I think so many people listening canreally dive deep into this and go,
oh, yeah, I totally didthat or oh I'm doing that right now
in this area. I think it'sso relatable. Yes, so I have
probably been on over twenty two thousand. By the way, I don't know
(15:35):
how I came up that number,but I remember calculating, like how I
used to work, how much Iused to work. But discovery calls and
that's where you figure out whether ornot this client is aligned with you or
not. And the clients who broughtup that they would procrastinate to the self
sabotage, they lack self care ortheir people pleasers. There have been many
(15:58):
situations where on their way to me, someone is reaching out to them at
four pm at lax, the worsttime to travel out there, and that
prospective client because I don't end upworking with them or on their way to
me. They send me a messageand say, hey, something came up
(16:21):
again. To Strangely, one mightsay, I have this unhealthy relationship with
my mother and I'm trying to createsome healthy boundaries. I get an email
a couple of days before the session. Oh, I have to cancel the
session due to finances. I respondback, let me know more about that.
(16:45):
Oh, my mother slipped and Ihave to pay for this. And
so you'll see this show up andwhere a person will just self sabotage and
it's unconscious and it is it willhappen on their journey towards being healed.
Oh. I love that you saythat the journey toward being healed. And
(17:07):
if we can know when we catchourselves doing this that, oh, this
is part of my journey toward beinghealed. And yes, I need to
recognize this. That's actually empowering.That's an empowering way to look at it,
which I love and I like tosay, often ask yourself this question
you find yourself, make it,you know, giving reasons for why you
can't do this or that a thingthat really should be a priority to you.
(17:29):
Right when you find yourself giving reasons, take a step back and ask
yourself, is this actually a reasonor is it an excuse? Yes,
because so many times excuses can soundwe convince ourselves that the excuse is a
valid reason, right, But no, No, there is a big difference
between a reason and an excuse.And when we can self examine our own
(17:52):
behavior and really decide, like areason might be I was in an accident
on the way to the airport andmy car is totaled, I'm okay,
but I don't have transportation right now. That's pretty good reason. But if
you're like, oh, there's trafficand I didn't leave early enough and darn,
I'm not going to make it ontime, that's kind of an excuse.
It's like not prioritizing what you wanted. And so when we learn to
(18:15):
recognize it in ourselves, isn't thatlike so empowering? And that really goes
along with what you're talking about herewith where to begin when you want to
start your transformation journey? Right.Yes, it's why I talk a lot
about taking personal responsibility because I well, I have this experience often with my
girlfriend and she's a coach, she'sbeen coaching for twenty years. But it's
(18:37):
a different way of looking at things, but she's shifted a lot. But
it would be where she would tellme a reason why it didn't happen.
It could be there's some story,and I will always respond with I hear
her, and I'm empathetic, butI will respond back with and then what
and what are you going to do? And then what? Because almost every
(19:00):
time you can go left or rightagain, like you can, there's another
choice, there's another decision. Andthat's how I've created my life, the
life that I live like. Idon't if the situation says no, if
I'm blocked, I know there's acreative way to move around that. However,
if it happens, say like threetimes, I step back, I
(19:22):
take pause, and it might bethat I'm not supposed to go that way,
and that is the feedback of thatis for me to that's helping me
better my life. And so therefore, sometimes what we perceive as resistance or
like darn, you know, this'sgotten away again, could be I know
this kind of contradicts what we justshared. It could be the universe saying
(19:45):
that there's a better way. Sothat's that can happen. Also, However,
the way that we discern that isthis Does it feel good? You
know? I mean, if it'sa logical choice, if your effort in
yourself to go in that direction,there's probably still resistance. However, it's
just like, wait a minute,that feels better. There's a good chance
(20:07):
that this new direction is aligned withyour healing and your soul. Oh my
gosh. I love that you saythat our bodies and our souls and our
hearts are our biggest guy that guidesThey tell us, you know, and
if we just take the time totune in and feel like, how do
I feel about this? How doesthis feel? That's how we know we're
(20:29):
in alignment or not in alignment.Sometimes we have a tendency to keep going
with something and pushing for something,even though if we really tune into ourselves,
we would realize how oft it is? Right? Yes, well,
I know that we're in a itmight be digressing a little bit, but
we're in a time in history wherethere's a lot of misinformation to different perspectives.
(20:52):
So people are bombarded with information anddon't know what to do with it.
But they're comes from the perspective ofI need to know it here versus
how does it feel? What ismy heart saying to this too, does
it aligned with my true values?We got to get back to who we
really are to make decisions. Yes, I love that, and I think
(21:15):
more than ever that is needed becausewe are in such an overwhelming state right
now, with information flying at usfrom every single angle, people expecting instant
responses from texts and emails. Itis such an overwhelming world for everybody,
and I think learning to go withinand self reflect and ask ourselves what our
souls truly want and what's in alignmentand taking that time for me. I
(21:40):
will tell you, breath work thislast few months has been a lifesaver because
I can lay down and do twominutes of just connecting with my breath,
connecting with my heart, and feellike a new person and feel reconnected again.
Because it is easy in this world, especially when you're an entrepreneur,
or when you're working at your career, or when you're handling aging parents or
whatever it is that's on your plate, to get overwhelmed with everything. So
(22:03):
I love the way you put that. I want to say something because I
don't know if any your other guestssay this on your podcasts, and it's
this. Christy is one of themost amazing human beings I know, and
she was so helpful and helped mewith my book launch. She really went
(22:23):
out of her way, and shedid this during a time when she had
challenges that she didn't know what todo with, meaning like elderly parents,
and so the way she should haveis everything. And Chrissy right now,
and when you said in real timethat I'm relatable and that I tell it
(22:44):
how it is, you do thesame thing. The way that you eloquently
share information, it's very clear,and it's this very simple to digest.
And I know some people want thingsfluffy. I know some people you know,
they don't want the truth, ButI know that you're a truth seeker
and you do share from your heartand so you're very consistent with that.
(23:08):
So when you communicate also, itinspires me. And so when you were
talking about me, I feel asthough you were talking to the mirror.
Well, thank you so much.Oh my gosh, I'm overwhelmed right now.
That was so sweet. Thank you. I so appreciate that that was
not expected, but thank you.And yeah, I just think the world
(23:30):
of you as well. I'm sograteful to be able to have this conversation
and many great conversations with you.Thank you so much. And yes,
I do really believe in this worldthat I want to be aligned with truth
and with real information and with thespiritual, both the spiritual and the practical
side of science. And you knowwhat truly works to help us feel grounded
(23:52):
and good in this world. AndI love that you brought up earlier.
Look at how you feel about something, because that's how you know it's aligned.
Take the time, and you knowanother tip I like to share is
when you wake up in the morning, ask yourself. Don't just dive right
into the day and look at emailsand what everybody's going to need from you,
but ask yourself, how do Iwant to feel today, and then
(24:12):
align your day with how you wantto feel. That is how you design
a life where you feel the wayyou want to feel more of the time.
Yes, o Bo. And bythe way you talked about the humor,
it's strange now as I've gotten olderand my voice has gotten maybe deeper,
and I'm closer to the age inwhich I remember my father, and
(24:36):
my father was hilarious, and soI know there are a lot of people
who like Bill Burr and there areprobably a lot of people who don't the
things I like about Bill Burrs.He's really sharp. He tells it how
it is, and it's like whenhe shares his comedy, he's not necessary.
He'll say something about the left ina right. He's kind of like
(24:59):
more and the middle ground, kindof saying that you're all full of shit,
you know, like own you know, own this truth, you know.
And so he's very relatable, andI think the people who like him,
that's why they like him. Thosewho don't like them, they might
not like his swearing or his bluntness, or even he does sound very angry,
(25:19):
but he is a relatable guy.And so you know, I would
pay tribute to my father for that, because he was always a straight shooter.
And I spent a lot of worktrying to curtell my swearing because not
(25:40):
on for example, when we getoff this call here, there's gonna be
some f bombs that come out ofme. Okay, let's just say that,
Like even how I show up onvideo, it's not always how I
am, meaning that I am,this is truly who I am. But
I just don't swear as much likeI do behind closed doors. But I
(26:03):
like to have a good time.I know that you say that, like
the F word, by the way, is one of my favorite words.
It's so funny because there is oneactually in Operation Happiness. It's a it's
in a very humorous way. ButI actually have been in a couple of
settings where I would be at acorporation and they're buying copies of the book
for all their major executives, andI'm like, just so you know,
there's one or two swear words inthere, so not to let him know,
(26:27):
but you know, it's part ofbeing real. And do you know
there's actually a scientific study I can'tremember which organization did it now, but
that said that people who swear somewhatoften tend to be more intelligent. So
I'll take it great belief of stresstoo. Yes, it's a it's And
(26:48):
here's the thing. My son,who's going to be ten in July,
he swears a little bit behind closeddoors, but I do. He never
does it at school, so he'sreally good. He's learned, he knows
about socialecurity on a whole other level. But the moment he meets another adult
who's maybe from New York or he'saware that that he hears that that adult
(27:10):
swears. Also, he will sometimesmatch it. I'm like, oh,
like I cringe, but I alsorecognize, like it's not a bad thing.
But he's a very my son isvery funny, also really funny,
and it's a trip when he communicatesand he sounds like my father, Oh
wow, it is a trip.It is a trip. I'm sure there's
(27:33):
a lot of people listening that havekids that can relate to that a little
bit. That's that's amazing. Ohit's a beautiful And it's like again,
it's like it could sound judgmental,but there's truth in this. I mean,
I'm just going to share it.So as an example, we're driving
down a road and like this kidruns across the street while there's a lot
of cars coming and it's not anintersection, it's not a crosswalk. It's
(27:57):
just him darting. And the kidwas probably early twenties. He drops his
paper. He stops in the middleroad without even looking to where, and
he goes and he steps down andpicks it up or to where the call
all the cars have slowed out rightnow comes out of my and it comes
out of my son's mouth. Hegoes, what a fucking idiot he could
(28:22):
have got killed? True, yeah, it's a matter of fact. Yes,
yeah. And then I said Max, I said, pretty observant.
I said, how would you havedone that differently? He said, First
off, he says, I probablywould have used a crosswalk, or if
I were to run across the road, I would make sure that I had
more time. I said, whatabout the dropping of papers? He said,
(28:44):
I would have got them later afterthe cars passed by. I don't
want to get killed. I'm like, wow, I mean I was so
proud of him, I might soI break things apart with him. So
he knows a lot about life littleI mean almost every moment as a coaching
or teaching moment with us. Sohe breaks things down. However, if
a parent believes a belief system thata kid shouldn't swear, or that it
(29:08):
sounds judgmental, then it's also it'sa question to ask parents out there is
then like when do children get feedback? Because here's the thing, I like
who I am, and now I'mnot a narcissist. I like who I
am, and I know a lotof healthy adults who have come from like
poverty or neglect, or other challenges. They are where they are through feedback,
(29:37):
through honest feedback, which is abig part in the beginning of the
book. Also, so if Iwere to see that kid like meaning I
was adult, who was on theother side of the road that he was
running to or running towards, Iwould say it to him. I said,
dude, do you want to gethit? Yeah? Someone might say,
oh my god, it sounds sounkind I would say, okay,
(30:00):
what would you work prefer me beinglike speaking very soft or accepting that or
having a dead child, right,right, because our lessons that have to
sometimes be learned a little bit ofa hard way. Absolutely, So I
don't know why I digress in thatdirection, but there you go. Well
that transitioned to justin to the lastquestion I wanted to ask you. But
(30:21):
you're so right, because sometimes inlife feedback is not always in a pretty
package, right. Sometimes it comesin the form of a smack in the
face or you know, like,oh my gosh, a few months ago,
I was so angry about something,and that's very rare for me.
I rarely get angry. But Ithink things had just been building up and
(30:42):
I went stomping into my office,and I tripped on the carpet with a
barefoot and broke my toe. Okay, and it was terribly painful. But
immediately I saw the lesson, Iwas like, this is what happens.
This was feedback, right, thiswas the universe going low down. Calm
your nervous system, be careful notto hurt yourself. You know. It
(31:03):
really was a good reminder for me, and thankfully it healed easily and pretty
quickly. But it wasn't a prettypackage, let me tell you. It
was. It was a painful lessonto learn, but I since then have
been much more mindful it has.As you said earlier, I have been
going through my own sort of lifechallenges the last few months, but I
welcome the opportunity to learn and toget the feedback. So I do love
(31:25):
that in chapter one you talk aboutresistance to feedback, because this kind of
ties in what I wanted to sharewith everybody listening today. That one of
the first things that is really greatto work on, and by the way,
I'm still working on it all theseyears later, like it's an ongoing
thing, is learning to recognize whenwe're kind of as I mentioned earlier,
like in our own way. Butwhen it comes to not recognizing feedback or
(31:48):
being resistant to feedback, because usuallynot always, but usually when feedback comes
our way, when someone tries totell us something or a sign like me
breaking my toes, oh because Iwas in too much of a haste,
tries to tell us something, sometimeswe tend to skate over it or ignore
it, or shove it off orbe offended by it. And that is
(32:09):
inner resistance coming up to what lifeis trying to teach us. So I
would love with you, I'd lovefor you to share a little bit of
insight about how everyone can kind oflearn to recognize resistance to feedback within themselves
and what's something maybe they can doto ship that like a quick shift so
that they can take it well.I'm going to give you something that happened
(32:31):
this week with my girlfriend who's acoach, and I'm going to share with
you how she processed it in waysthat people listening to this ken as well.
So Nichole is really skinny, likeon a skinner side. She's a
yoghini, so she also eats healthy, but she's one of those people that
(32:51):
would probably say never get fat.But also it's just my opinion that I
believe that she could probably eat moreprotein. Okay, So I joked with
her about something because she came inthrough the door and she was eating really
early, like it was like threeo'clock, and she said, this is
all I brought. I said,this is going to last you until the
(33:13):
next day. And I made achoke. I said, I said something
about I God, yeah, Ithink maybe you need to eat a little
bit more. And she got defensive. She did get defensive. She says,
well, you've said it a coupleof times, and I wonder if
there's a problem here, And thenshe got really emotional and she walked outside
my door and she sat there forabout ten minutes and I did a cold
(33:36):
punch and sounds like a hippie coupleor whatever. I came back out.
That was just my way of groundon myself. But I just wanted to
anyways, is really hot, andshe said, I just recognized something.
She said, my mother used tobe told by other mothers that I wasn't
eating enough, and she said,it's not my story. And to where
(33:58):
I took it to a negative lens, which is why in a book I
talk about you need to break downwhy you've come to believe these certain things,
because it might not be your belief. So back to my girlfriend,
she said that it's like I've heardthis my entire life, and she's you
know, and she was sharing thatlike and so she wanted me maybe to
(34:19):
stop, and I received that.However, I shared this also. I
said, you're aware that I grewup with a father who grew up with
a lot of Italians, right,and all they want to do is feed
you. I said, are youaware of the whole the Jewish grandmother when
you come over, they think you'retoo skinny and they want you to eat.
(34:42):
And she's like, yes. Isaid, well, my mother was
that way also, and if youwere to come to my house, she
would say, you don't eat enough. I said, what if I say
that, because I just say thatit's not negative, it's out of love.
Yes, it's out of love.I go, So you have your
belief of how what it means toyou. My belief is that it means
(35:06):
I love you and I'll buy youdinner. Oh, I love it.
To verify that it is a storywe tell ourselves about fing Yeah, and
then this is the other part,I said, But this is something you
can disagree with. By the way, I'm not. It's not like I
walk it to my girlfriend. Youbelieve this and not this. It's no,
it's an open dialogue. So forbrevity's sake, I'm just sharing it
(35:29):
this way for listeners to understand this. I said. This is another thing,
I said. Remember I have beenbodybuilding since I was eleven. I
literally have pictures where I was prettymuscular at this moment. I said,
I probably have a tinge of bodydysmorphia. I said, I haven't been
been able to work out, soeven I look at my body that I'm
(35:52):
losing muscle mass really quickly. Iam still a student to all of this.
I said. However, I comefrom that lens of always eating protein,
always eating protein, and I mightproject that onto you. And I
said, so you can tell meI'm full of shit that or you can
understand that my belief comes from thatperspective that's not yours, and therefore you
(36:15):
can disagree. It doesn't matter.But remember, if I'm sharing this information
like a loving Jewish grandmother or fromthat bodybuilder's perspective, do you understand it's
neutral. It's neutral, So that'san example of someone getting defensive at first
and then doing the inner work.Now, as far as for listeners here,
(36:38):
it would be this, What amI saying to myself about what I
just heard? What am I sayingto myself about what I just heard?
What am I making mean my Typically, it's going to be a negative thing.
You know, I'm too fat,I'm this, I'm not good enough.
Why would I be saying that aboutmyself? Why would I be saying
(36:59):
that about myself too? How haveI been feeling about myself today? Have
I been saying loving things or hatefulthings? Have I heard other people talk
in negative ways? Where I've takenthat on and it's in my body.
There's many ways to explore why wefeel a certain way, but taking personal
responsibility is turning inward to ask thosequestions. Why would I allow myself to
(37:23):
feel this way? How have Ibeen feeling to How do I really want
to feel anyway? What if thatperson actually is a fucking jerk? All
right? Our first f bomb inthere? What if so far I don't
think yes, by the way,yeah yeah, and so it's like so
what yes, so f? Andwhat that's okay? So? How do
(37:46):
I want how do I want toenjoy my day anyway? Or if you
were say I can't because this guywas a jerk, then you have to
also be honest and say, well, I guess I'm choosing to be,
you know, codependent on what hedoes or doesn't do, which doesn't feel
good. So yes, oh mygosh, And I have to say I
have been guilty of that one manytimes in my life and it's not a
(38:07):
healthy place to be because when yourealize that you're the one kind of being
the jerk now to yourself yes situation, then you can have a tendency to
get even more jerky and more angry, and it's a cycle. So learning
to stop that and recognizing it andthen when you do. For me,
I've learned now to just laugh atthe silliness of it, like, oh,
I'm being really silly right now.That will snap you out of it
(38:30):
and taking a breath. And likeyou said, I love that you talk
about personal responsibility. I love tosay personal responsibility is power. It will
change, it will change everything.It's a game changer. It will change
your life. When you start totake responsibility for your own feelings, for
your own stories. That is really, really a great place to start when
it comes to healthy transformation. Itis not our business to take responsibility for
(38:57):
what that person said. It's notour business should try to make sense about
what that person said. It's notour responsibility to think about how it could
have been different. It's not ourresponsibility to figure out about other ways of
how he or she should have setit differently. It's our responsibility to choose
(39:19):
how we want to feel after thefact. Yes, yes, that's where
all the power is. Yes,absolutely, that's so big. I think
we can kind of look toward wrappingup now. I think that's a mic
drop moment right there. That wasamazing. So my goal with today's episode
was to give everybody just a littlebit of some food for thought about where
(39:43):
to get started with transformation. Inaddition to of course grabbing a copy of
your book. All it takes isone drop your one big hidden belief and
master your life from doctor Ray.Doctor And by the way, I want
to just point out on a funnynote, your last name really is doctor
d ok t O R. Andyou are doctor so the Iron. That
(40:06):
is so much fun. I loveit. But of course, affectionately known
as doctor Ray by most right,Yes, yes, it's actually doctor.
But I don't ever correct people,and nor do I correct myself. It
just sounds cool and it's a loteasier. Yeah, I've always heard you
pronounce it that way. That's that'sreally interesting. Yeah. So but I
love that. So thank you somuch for being with me, my friend.
I appreciate you so much, andI love, love, love the
(40:29):
book. I hope everybody grabs acopy. By the way, I'm sorry,
so you have no idea the experienceI had taken that picture for the
book. For the cover, Ishared this. Oh it was so where
I live in Ashton, Oregon.There are interesting artistic people here where you
(40:50):
might think are either not judging alittle awkward and do strange things. So
I go to this person's apartment andhe has a lighting set up and you
not. I don't know if thisis a music to get him into his
flow to take pictures, but I'lltell you this. When I take a
(41:10):
picture, I want to look vibrant, attractive, and typically that's by the
photographer showing his energy as well.He was playing the Charlie Brown theme song
in the background while taking picture.Were you bombing up and down? Oh?
I was like, I was justgoing through this thought. I'm like,
(41:34):
you've got to be joking, Like, but I put aside like his
choicey music and I just you know, I turn it inward to turn it
into comedy. But yes, hewas. I forgot that. It was
just that it was a Charlie Browntheme song. You know that is a
cute story. And now that you'resaying that, I can actually see in
(41:55):
your face a little bit of humorthere behind your eyes, which maybe he
gets credit for bringing that out ofyou because it's a great picture. Yes,
thank you, well, thank youso much. That was great to
end the show with a laugh.And thanks to everybody who's tuned in.
I love and appreciate you all.And thank you doctor Ray and amazing,
(42:15):
amazing job with the book. Itis now a bestseller. And thanks for
being with us on the show.Thank you for helping. I'll talk to
you soon, my friend. Bye. All right, that was so much
fun. I hope you enjoyed.And if you did enjoy this episode,
I would be so grateful if you'dleave a review over on Apple Podcasts or
on your favorite platform. This ishow you can help the show and help
(42:37):
the show reach more people who mightalso enjoy it, and I read them
all and I'm so grateful. Thankyou to all of you who have left
reviews so far, and be sureto connect with me on Facebook and Instagram,
and I'm on threads now as well. I also invite you to my
website, Christylinkspencer dot com, whereyou can grab access to my free video
(42:58):
masterclass, a lean Habits of theHappiest People, and find some other supportive
tools and resources I've got for youthere as well. Sending you so much
love and until next time, rememberyou've got what it takes to create more
amazing days, and more amazing daysmake up a pretty amazing life. Have
a fantastic week, my beautiful friends, and I'll see you soon.
Welcome to the Joyschool podcast. Realtalk about what it takes to create your
happiest, healthiest and most dynamic life. And now here's your host, transformational
life coach, happiness strategist and bestselling author, Christy ling Spencer. Well,
hello, my friends, and welcometo another episode of the Joyschool Podcast.
(00:26):
I'm Christy ling Spencer so excited thatyou are here for this episode.
It was my pleasure to have awonderful conversation with my longtime friend doctor Ray
Doctor or Doctor or as his friendscall him, Doctor Ray. For the
(00:46):
last twenty seven years, doctor Rayhas successfully helped over six thousand clients break
through limited beliefs and challenges to havebetter relationships, improved family lives, improved
life overall, and more success.And he is also so much fun to
converse with. I'm so glad you'rehere for this conversation, and so rather
(01:10):
than a lengthy introduction, we're justgoing to dive right in and welcome Ray
to the show. But before that, just want to mention he's got a
new book out called All It TakesIs One and it is already a bestseller.
I highly recommend it, and Ithink you're going to want to run,
not walk, to grab your copyafter you hear this great interview,
So enjoy my friends. Welcome DoctorRay. Thank you so much for being
(01:37):
with us on the show today.It's going to be amazing, and I
appreciate this space that you put togetherfor us to play and have a conversation.
I am so happy and grateful thatyou're here and for everybody listening.
Doctor Ray and I have been friendsfor oh my gosh, over a decade
now, many years and longer thanthat. Longer than that, it might
(02:00):
be like fifteen years almost maybe morein that I don't know. Oh my
gosh, you're scaring me a littleright now. Yeah, I think you
could be right, and really justfollowed each other on our journeys in this
world and it's in this space,and it's just been so great to see
the work that you have been doing. And I really wanted to have you
on the show because you have comeout with your very first book, which
(02:23):
I mentioned in the introduction earlier.All it Takes is One, and I
am so impressed with it. Itreally is something very special because I feel
like there are so many resources inthe personal development world out there that are
not warm and they don't really speakto somebody who might be just trying to
(02:44):
figure things out or take those firststeps and creating big change in their life
and becoming happier and becoming a moredynamic, healthier, and you know,
energetic person. And when I wroteOperation Happiness, that was kind of one
of my goals. I had certainfor a book that would really resonate with
me, that would feel personal andhave stories, and I couldn't find it.
(03:05):
So I wrote it, and Ifeel like you've done a little bit
of the same here. Does thatresonate? Yes, while you're talking,
I was about to say that,and it was this. So the coaching
industry is saturated, and it's saturatedwith people who have just went to a
weekend course or maybe a year ofhaving some insight to where you know,
(03:30):
there's a lot of healing that's neededon this planet. And more and more,
I started, without judgment, seeingsubpar information going out there, to
people reporting that they were taken advantageof in the coaching industry to where you
know, this also where it startedto become more about money. So you'll
(03:51):
hear or see coaches coaching coaches andcoaches coaches like this whole like almost like
multi level marketing thing. And sothe book was written a way to where
I was the underd I could seethe challenge and I didn't want to complain
about it because I didn't want tonecessary be putting myself out there and like
(04:11):
I was cutting down my competition becauseI don't see them as my competition,
but more how can I be thesolution and how can this solution be part
of my work anyway? And sothe book came from that space where,
hey, I've been doing this forthirty years, and I've worked with some
really good people, and I havebeen burned by people, and I want
you to know what journey I wenton to, how I was defensive,
(04:35):
how I had to discern the teacher'smessage over his contankerous personality, to all
of those things. So if aperson's in the beginning of their healing,
it's all there. It's all spelledout with the steps of like how you
begin your journey and how you're goingto meet people. You're going to go,
(04:55):
oh my god, you're more messedup than I am. That is
so true because when you do startto really care for yourself and get into
a journey, to improve your lifeand create the life that you're dreaming of
and envisioning, you really do startto notice the things in your life that
are out of alignment, including manypeople you know. I remember when I
(05:15):
went through my big transformation. Gosh, it's probably twenty years ago now.
I really noticed that a lot ofthings were falling away in my life once
I became more about self love andself confidence and honoring what I know my
value is and making my priorities inmy life to take care of my health
and well being and go after mydreams and still be there for my friends
(05:36):
and family at the highest level.When I really started trying to live that,
and I'm still working on that.By the way, nobody is perfect
in all those categories, I didnotice that what was out of alignment became
it was almost like neon, likea neon signs glowing in my life of
wow, that doesn't fit anymore,And relationships fell away, and I noticed
(05:59):
areas where I was in my ownway that I needed to heal. Past
traumas and past experiences came up thatI didn't even realize were still with me,
and I knew that more healing neededto happen, and this is this
is all what happens when people stepinto this journey that you have created this
book for to guide people through thiswho are really interested. They know they
(06:19):
want to go to the next levelin their life, they know they want
to be happier. Maybe they havea dream they want to go after,
and they're just not quite sure howto pull it all together to get started.
This book really is such a greatguide. And you know, I
want to I want to read justthe sub head here because the book is
called All it Takes is One,but then it's drop your one big hidden
(06:42):
belief and master your life. AndI love that you talk about how everybody
has things that had caused them toget in their own way, and a
lot of times it's a hidden belief. And so I love that because when
I first got this, when Ifirst ordered it, I was like,
Oh, I need to know whatmy one big hidden belief is. I
must have one. And so Ijust love that that you dive right in
(07:05):
right away before anybody even opens thebook as to how they're going to benefit
from reading it, which I thinkis so great. And so I wanted
to chat about chapter one because Chapterone is the courage to begin a step
into the unknown. Just the titleof the chapter resonated with me, and
it brought me back to like twentysomething years ago when I really was stepping
(07:27):
into the unknown. I had noidea the journey that I was about to
go on. And I feel likeso many people can relate to that.
And by the way, it's notsomething that only happens to us once in
our life, right, yeah,yeah, yeah, it's a process.
Yes, I almost feel like I'mkind of stepping into another version of that,
you know here in my fifties.And it is so true. It
(07:50):
is a process. But once you'vebeen through it one big time and you
kind of learn the skills and youlearn how to handle it, then the
next time it comes around and happens, you're like, oh, yeah,
yeah, been here before. No, well, doctor Rai's book, so
you know already, Like, forexample, you know your parents are transitioning
and you're trying to get them intoa facility. Well, you've never been
(08:13):
here before. You have the skills, though, so if you're dealing with
staff that don't care and the rootto you, if you had not done
your work, you would be likesaying Oh my god, what jerks and
whatever? But now you have thetools you're recognizing. Wait a minute,
maybe it's the industry too. MaybeI need to ask more questions to what
is it about me that has takenus so personally? So once again,
(08:35):
it's like whoa bringing it back tothat? Any Way, I love that
you brought that up, because Ithink you're so right. A lot of
people in Generation X and even millennialsare dealing with aging parents right now,
and it is a very stressful thing, especially if you have aging parents that
weren't entirely prepared for retirement right,and you really have to do a lot
(08:56):
of homework. It's as I saidearlier when we were chatting prior to the
show, that it's almost a fulltime job. And so that is another
area where people might find themselves intheir life, stepping into the unknown and
going through another personal transition and transformation, because when you're helping a family member
that you love so much, italso makes you reflect a lot on your
own life. And I've been doinga lot of that. So you're so
(09:18):
right. I probably need to rereadsome of this in relief in the context
of what you just said. Well, I know you want to read that
chapter. That was the section thatis why in that one section of the
book where it goes through the maineleven influencers, and I talk about death
because a lot of us don't havea healthy relationship to death. Therefore,
(09:39):
when it does happen, say too. And it's about to happen with a
family member, if you haven't dealtwith your own beliefs about it, it
will be more of a struggle towatch your parent die. You won't know
what to do with that. ThenSecondly, if you have unhealed trauma with
them, like they're abusive, Oh, that's a whole other level. And
(10:01):
so I've seen people deal with deathin the most difficult way because number one,
it hasn't made sense to them.Number Two, they're waiting for apology
of a parent who just now died. Oh my gosh. Yes. And
you know that whole thing of waitingfor an apology that you're never going to
receive is so challenging to work around. You have to do so much self
(10:22):
live in your heart. You haveto accept the apology that you're never going
to Yeah, you have to findlove around it. I actually wrote about
this in my book as well,because it's so true. And it's not
just with parents, it's with pastorrelationships, it's people, it's with adults
that maybe didn't treat you right whenyou were a child, Like I had
teachers that I'm just like, ohmy gosh, what was that teacher thinking?
(10:43):
How they treated me? You know, And so yeah, that is
a big one. So anybody who'slistening that is realizing that they have been
hungry for an apology that they're likelynever going to receive. There is healing
you work you can do around that, and quite a bit of that is
in doctor Ray's book here. Ilove that you brought that up. Well,
the Western model will diagnose this aschronic grief, chronic grief. So
(11:07):
I'll tell you what in a nutshell, chronic grief is. It's basically,
it's when you've complicated the process.You're overthinking it, you're waiting for an
apology. You maybe got over theparent quicker than you thought you should,
you're not crying your second guessing yourself. All these things can happen if death
(11:28):
doesn't make sense to you, orthe relationship you had with that loved one
doesn't make sense to you. Therefore, the process itself by how you're integrating
it has become complicated. Otherwise complicatedgrief is not something onto itself. But
we have a tendency to try tobox people and then that's it, rather
(11:48):
than to ask that person, butwhat do you hanging on to? What's
the secondary gain from not letting goof your parent? What responsibility do you
not want to take if you werejust let that go? And in the
book there it feels that wide openfor us to ask those questions, so
it's not so complicated and we startdoing the healing now, Like you said,
(12:11):
right now, there's a lot ofpeople gen xers that are now seeing
our parents pass away, and theyneed to make decisions and they need to
heal these things within the cells first, so it's more effortless. Yes,
Oh, I love that you saythat, and it's so true. There's
so much inner working and inner healingthat can be done through this time in
(12:33):
our lives, and it does makethings a little bit easier and gives a
lot of extra perspective to help youfeel more grounded and even more clear headed
because it is so easy. Likewhat I've been going through the last few
months, there have been times whenI needed to just ground myself and do
some breath work and gain some clarityand do some work, and then revelations
(12:54):
would come. I would be like, Oh, here's how to handle that
thing, or here's a how tohandle that situation. And you get overwhelmed,
and you get caught up in thefeelings of your waiting for apologies or
something traumatized you years ago that youhaven't resolved, or you've got things in
the moment that are very stressful,that are overwhelming you. Learning to take
those pauses and going within is sovaluable, so valuable. Love that you
(13:18):
said that, and you know thatbeing said, it's so The very first
paragraph of your book had me laughing, like immediately, And when a book
can have me laughing and relating rightaway right out of the gate, I
know I'm going to love it.And so that's one more thing I want
to say about your book as Iwent through it, just how relatable it
(13:41):
is. You know, you area doctor, right, and an excellent
doctor and an amazing coach, butyet at the same time you people don't
know this about you, But ifI might say, you are a very
funny guy with a dry sense ofhumor and you tell it like it is,
and you know, I think moreand more people to and they so
appreciate that, especially with like youwere talking about earlier, all the noise
(14:05):
on social media, all the misinformation, all the toxic positivity. You actually
tell it like it is. You'restraight and real with people, and there's
something just so refreshing about that.And I try to align myself with that
all the time in everything I do. And I think it's so important because
you're right, there is a lotof misinformation out there and things that can
steer people the wrong way. ButI just want to read everybody this first
(14:28):
paragraph because this will open us upto the next part of our conversation here.
So this is in chapter one,the Courage to Begin a Step into
the Unknown. Mary sought my coachingdue to her anxiety in new social environments
and around large crowds. On theday of her initial appointment, she called
me from her car parked outside mybuilding, expressing her apprehension and proposing a
(14:50):
reschedule. I softly reminded her thatthis was the exact issue she wanted to
address. Conceding to my point,she agreed to a meeting in the park
across from my office. I lovethat, and I was just laughing because
everyone can relate to that. It'sso true how sometimes we tend to get
(15:13):
in our own way with the exactbehavior that we're trying to heal. Yes,
yes, I'll have you to expanda little more on that, because
I think so many people listening canreally dive deep into this and go,
oh, yeah, I totally didthat or oh I'm doing that right now
in this area. I think it'sso relatable. Yes, so I have
probably been on over twenty two thousand. By the way, I don't know
(15:35):
how I came up that number,but I remember calculating, like how I
used to work, how much Iused to work. But discovery calls and
that's where you figure out whether ornot this client is aligned with you or
not. And the clients who broughtup that they would procrastinate to the self
sabotage, they lack self care ortheir people pleasers. There have been many
(15:58):
situations where on their way to me, someone is reaching out to them at
four pm at lax, the worsttime to travel out there, and that
prospective client because I don't end upworking with them or on their way to
me. They send me a messageand say, hey, something came up
(16:21):
again. To Strangely, one mightsay, I have this unhealthy relationship with
my mother and I'm trying to createsome healthy boundaries. I get an email
a couple of days before the session. Oh, I have to cancel the
session due to finances. I respondback, let me know more about that.
(16:45):
Oh, my mother slipped and Ihave to pay for this. And
so you'll see this show up andwhere a person will just self sabotage and
it's unconscious and it is it willhappen on their journey towards being healed.
Oh. I love that you saythat the journey toward being healed. And
(17:07):
if we can know when we catchourselves doing this that, oh, this
is part of my journey toward beinghealed. And yes, I need to
recognize this. That's actually empowering.That's an empowering way to look at it,
which I love and I like tosay, often ask yourself this question
you find yourself, make it,you know, giving reasons for why you
can't do this or that a thingthat really should be a priority to you.
(17:29):
Right when you find yourself giving reasons, take a step back and ask
yourself, is this actually a reasonor is it an excuse? Yes,
because so many times excuses can soundwe convince ourselves that the excuse is a
valid reason, right, But no, No, there is a big difference
between a reason and an excuse.And when we can self examine our own
(17:52):
behavior and really decide, like areason might be I was in an accident
on the way to the airport andmy car is totaled, I'm okay,
but I don't have transportation right now. That's pretty good reason. But if
you're like, oh, there's trafficand I didn't leave early enough and darn,
I'm not going to make it ontime, that's kind of an excuse.
It's like not prioritizing what you wanted. And so when we learn to
(18:15):
recognize it in ourselves, isn't thatlike so empowering? And that really goes
along with what you're talking about herewith where to begin when you want to
start your transformation journey? Right.Yes, it's why I talk a lot
about taking personal responsibility because I well, I have this experience often with my
girlfriend and she's a coach, she'sbeen coaching for twenty years. But it's
(18:37):
a different way of looking at things, but she's shifted a lot. But
it would be where she would tellme a reason why it didn't happen.
It could be there's some story,and I will always respond with I hear
her, and I'm empathetic, butI will respond back with and then what
and what are you going to do? And then what? Because almost every
(19:00):
time you can go left or rightagain, like you can, there's another
choice, there's another decision. Andthat's how I've created my life, the
life that I live like. Idon't if the situation says no, if
I'm blocked, I know there's acreative way to move around that. However,
if it happens, say like threetimes, I step back, I
(19:22):
take pause, and it might bethat I'm not supposed to go that way,
and that is the feedback of thatis for me to that's helping me
better my life. And so therefore, sometimes what we perceive as resistance or
like darn, you know, this'sgotten away again, could be I know
this kind of contradicts what we justshared. It could be the universe saying
(19:45):
that there's a better way. Sothat's that can happen. Also, However,
the way that we discern that isthis Does it feel good? You
know? I mean, if it'sa logical choice, if your effort in
yourself to go in that direction,there's probably still resistance. However, it's
just like, wait a minute,that feels better. There's a good chance
(20:07):
that this new direction is aligned withyour healing and your soul. Oh my
gosh. I love that you saythat our bodies and our souls and our
hearts are our biggest guy that guidesThey tell us, you know, and
if we just take the time totune in and feel like, how do
I feel about this? How doesthis feel? That's how we know we're
(20:29):
in alignment or not in alignment.Sometimes we have a tendency to keep going
with something and pushing for something,even though if we really tune into ourselves,
we would realize how oft it is? Right? Yes, well,
I know that we're in a itmight be digressing a little bit, but
we're in a time in history wherethere's a lot of misinformation to different perspectives.
(20:52):
So people are bombarded with information anddon't know what to do with it.
But they're comes from the perspective ofI need to know it here versus
how does it feel? What ismy heart saying to this too, does
it aligned with my true values?We got to get back to who we
really are to make decisions. Yes, I love that, and I think
(21:15):
more than ever that is needed becausewe are in such an overwhelming state right
now, with information flying at usfrom every single angle, people expecting instant
responses from texts and emails. Itis such an overwhelming world for everybody,
and I think learning to go withinand self reflect and ask ourselves what our
souls truly want and what's in alignmentand taking that time for me. I
(21:40):
will tell you, breath work thislast few months has been a lifesaver because
I can lay down and do twominutes of just connecting with my breath,
connecting with my heart, and feellike a new person and feel reconnected again.
Because it is easy in this world, especially when you're an entrepreneur,
or when you're working at your career, or when you're handling aging parents or
whatever it is that's on your plate, to get overwhelmed with everything. So
(22:03):
I love the way you put that. I want to say something because I
don't know if any your other guestssay this on your podcasts, and it's
this. Christy is one of themost amazing human beings I know, and
she was so helpful and helped mewith my book launch. She really went
(22:23):
out of her way, and shedid this during a time when she had
challenges that she didn't know what todo with, meaning like elderly parents,
and so the way she should haveis everything. And Chrissy right now,
and when you said in real timethat I'm relatable and that I tell it
(22:44):
how it is, you do thesame thing. The way that you eloquently
share information, it's very clear,and it's this very simple to digest.
And I know some people want thingsfluffy. I know some people you know,
they don't want the truth, ButI know that you're a truth seeker
and you do share from your heartand so you're very consistent with that.
(23:08):
So when you communicate also, itinspires me. And so when you were
talking about me, I feel asthough you were talking to the mirror.
Well, thank you so much.Oh my gosh, I'm overwhelmed right now.
That was so sweet. Thank you. I so appreciate that that was
not expected, but thank you.And yeah, I just think the world
(23:30):
of you as well. I'm sograteful to be able to have this conversation
and many great conversations with you.Thank you so much. And yes,
I do really believe in this worldthat I want to be aligned with truth
and with real information and with thespiritual, both the spiritual and the practical
side of science. And you knowwhat truly works to help us feel grounded
(23:52):
and good in this world. AndI love that you brought up earlier.
Look at how you feel about something, because that's how you know it's aligned.
Take the time, and you knowanother tip I like to share is
when you wake up in the morning, ask yourself. Don't just dive right
into the day and look at emailsand what everybody's going to need from you,
but ask yourself, how do Iwant to feel today, and then
(24:12):
align your day with how you wantto feel. That is how you design
a life where you feel the wayyou want to feel more of the time.
Yes, o Bo. And bythe way you talked about the humor,
it's strange now as I've gotten olderand my voice has gotten maybe deeper,
and I'm closer to the age inwhich I remember my father, and
(24:36):
my father was hilarious, and soI know there are a lot of people
who like Bill Burr and there areprobably a lot of people who don't the
things I like about Bill Burrs.He's really sharp. He tells it how
it is, and it's like whenhe shares his comedy, he's not necessary.
He'll say something about the left ina right. He's kind of like
(24:59):
more and the middle ground, kindof saying that you're all full of shit,
you know, like own you know, own this truth, you know.
And so he's very relatable, andI think the people who like him,
that's why they like him. Thosewho don't like them, they might
not like his swearing or his bluntness, or even he does sound very angry,
(25:19):
but he is a relatable guy.And so you know, I would
pay tribute to my father for that, because he was always a straight shooter.
And I spent a lot of worktrying to curtell my swearing because not
(25:40):
on for example, when we getoff this call here, there's gonna be
some f bombs that come out ofme. Okay, let's just say that,
Like even how I show up onvideo, it's not always how I
am, meaning that I am,this is truly who I am. But
I just don't swear as much likeI do behind closed doors. But I
(26:03):
like to have a good time.I know that you say that, like
the F word, by the way, is one of my favorite words.
It's so funny because there is oneactually in Operation Happiness. It's a it's
in a very humorous way. ButI actually have been in a couple of
settings where I would be at acorporation and they're buying copies of the book
for all their major executives, andI'm like, just so you know,
there's one or two swear words inthere, so not to let him know,
(26:27):
but you know, it's part ofbeing real. And do you know
there's actually a scientific study I can'tremember which organization did it now, but
that said that people who swear somewhatoften tend to be more intelligent. So
I'll take it great belief of stresstoo. Yes, it's a it's And
(26:48):
here's the thing. My son,who's going to be ten in July,
he swears a little bit behind closeddoors, but I do. He never
does it at school, so he'sreally good. He's learned, he knows
about socialecurity on a whole other level. But the moment he meets another adult
who's maybe from New York or he'saware that that he hears that that adult
(27:10):
swears. Also, he will sometimesmatch it. I'm like, oh,
like I cringe, but I alsorecognize, like it's not a bad thing.
But he's a very my son isvery funny, also really funny,
and it's a trip when he communicatesand he sounds like my father, Oh
wow, it is a trip.It is a trip. I'm sure there's
(27:33):
a lot of people listening that havekids that can relate to that a little
bit. That's that's amazing. Ohit's a beautiful And it's like again,
it's like it could sound judgmental,but there's truth in this. I mean,
I'm just going to share it.So as an example, we're driving
down a road and like this kidruns across the street while there's a lot
of cars coming and it's not anintersection, it's not a crosswalk. It's
(27:57):
just him darting. And the kidwas probably early twenties. He drops his
paper. He stops in the middleroad without even looking to where, and
he goes and he steps down andpicks it up or to where the call
all the cars have slowed out rightnow comes out of my and it comes
out of my son's mouth. Hegoes, what a fucking idiot he could
(28:22):
have got killed? True, yeah, it's a matter of fact. Yes,
yeah. And then I said Max, I said, pretty observant.
I said, how would you havedone that differently? He said, First
off, he says, I probablywould have used a crosswalk, or if
I were to run across the road, I would make sure that I had
more time. I said, whatabout the dropping of papers? He said,
(28:44):
I would have got them later afterthe cars passed by. I don't
want to get killed. I'm like, wow, I mean I was so
proud of him, I might soI break things apart with him. So
he knows a lot about life littleI mean almost every moment as a coaching
or teaching moment with us. Sohe breaks things down. However, if
a parent believes a belief system thata kid shouldn't swear, or that it
(29:08):
sounds judgmental, then it's also it'sa question to ask parents out there is
then like when do children get feedback? Because here's the thing, I like
who I am, and now I'mnot a narcissist. I like who I
am, and I know a lotof healthy adults who have come from like
poverty or neglect, or other challenges. They are where they are through feedback,
(29:37):
through honest feedback, which is abig part in the beginning of the
book. Also, so if Iwere to see that kid like meaning I
was adult, who was on theother side of the road that he was
running to or running towards, Iwould say it to him. I said,
dude, do you want to gethit? Yeah? Someone might say,
oh my god, it sounds sounkind I would say, okay,
(30:00):
what would you work prefer me beinglike speaking very soft or accepting that or
having a dead child, right,right, because our lessons that have to
sometimes be learned a little bit ofa hard way. Absolutely, So I
don't know why I digress in thatdirection, but there you go. Well
that transitioned to justin to the lastquestion I wanted to ask you. But
(30:21):
you're so right, because sometimes inlife feedback is not always in a pretty
package, right. Sometimes it comesin the form of a smack in the
face or you know, like,oh my gosh, a few months ago,
I was so angry about something,and that's very rare for me.
I rarely get angry. But Ithink things had just been building up and
(30:42):
I went stomping into my office,and I tripped on the carpet with a
barefoot and broke my toe. Okay, and it was terribly painful. But
immediately I saw the lesson, Iwas like, this is what happens.
This was feedback, right, thiswas the universe going low down. Calm
your nervous system, be careful notto hurt yourself. You know. It
(31:03):
really was a good reminder for me, and thankfully it healed easily and pretty
quickly. But it wasn't a prettypackage, let me tell you. It
was. It was a painful lessonto learn, but I since then have
been much more mindful it has.As you said earlier, I have been
going through my own sort of lifechallenges the last few months, but I
welcome the opportunity to learn and toget the feedback. So I do love
(31:25):
that in chapter one you talk aboutresistance to feedback, because this kind of
ties in what I wanted to sharewith everybody listening today. That one of
the first things that is really greatto work on, and by the way,
I'm still working on it all theseyears later, like it's an ongoing
thing, is learning to recognize whenwe're kind of as I mentioned earlier,
like in our own way. Butwhen it comes to not recognizing feedback or
(31:48):
being resistant to feedback, because usuallynot always, but usually when feedback comes
our way, when someone tries totell us something or a sign like me
breaking my toes, oh because Iwas in too much of a haste,
tries to tell us something, sometimeswe tend to skate over it or ignore
it, or shove it off orbe offended by it. And that is
(32:09):
inner resistance coming up to what lifeis trying to teach us. So I
would love with you, I'd lovefor you to share a little bit of
insight about how everyone can kind oflearn to recognize resistance to feedback within themselves
and what's something maybe they can doto ship that like a quick shift so
that they can take it well.I'm going to give you something that happened
(32:31):
this week with my girlfriend who's acoach, and I'm going to share with
you how she processed it in waysthat people listening to this ken as well.
So Nichole is really skinny, likeon a skinner side. She's a
yoghini, so she also eats healthy, but she's one of those people that
(32:51):
would probably say never get fat.But also it's just my opinion that I
believe that she could probably eat moreprotein. Okay, So I joked with
her about something because she came inthrough the door and she was eating really
early, like it was like threeo'clock, and she said, this is
all I brought. I said,this is going to last you until the
(33:13):
next day. And I made achoke. I said, I said something
about I God, yeah, Ithink maybe you need to eat a little
bit more. And she got defensive. She did get defensive. She says,
well, you've said it a coupleof times, and I wonder if
there's a problem here, And thenshe got really emotional and she walked outside
my door and she sat there forabout ten minutes and I did a cold
(33:36):
punch and sounds like a hippie coupleor whatever. I came back out.
That was just my way of groundon myself. But I just wanted to
anyways, is really hot, andshe said, I just recognized something.
She said, my mother used tobe told by other mothers that I wasn't
eating enough, and she said,it's not my story. And to where
(33:58):
I took it to a negative lens, which is why in a book I
talk about you need to break downwhy you've come to believe these certain things,
because it might not be your belief. So back to my girlfriend,
she said that it's like I've heardthis my entire life, and she's you
know, and she was sharing thatlike and so she wanted me maybe to
(34:19):
stop, and I received that.However, I shared this also. I
said, you're aware that I grewup with a father who grew up with
a lot of Italians, right,and all they want to do is feed
you. I said, are youaware of the whole the Jewish grandmother when
you come over, they think you'retoo skinny and they want you to eat.
(34:42):
And she's like, yes. Isaid, well, my mother was
that way also, and if youwere to come to my house, she
would say, you don't eat enough. I said, what if I say
that, because I just say thatit's not negative, it's out of love.
Yes, it's out of love.I go, So you have your
belief of how what it means toyou. My belief is that it means
(35:06):
I love you and I'll buy youdinner. Oh, I love it.
To verify that it is a storywe tell ourselves about fing Yeah, and
then this is the other part,I said, But this is something you
can disagree with. By the way, I'm not. It's not like I
walk it to my girlfriend. Youbelieve this and not this. It's no,
it's an open dialogue. So forbrevity's sake, I'm just sharing it
(35:29):
this way for listeners to understand this. I said. This is another thing,
I said. Remember I have beenbodybuilding since I was eleven. I
literally have pictures where I was prettymuscular at this moment. I said,
I probably have a tinge of bodydysmorphia. I said, I haven't been
been able to work out, soeven I look at my body that I'm
(35:52):
losing muscle mass really quickly. Iam still a student to all of this.
I said. However, I comefrom that lens of always eating protein,
always eating protein, and I mightproject that onto you. And I
said, so you can tell meI'm full of shit that or you can
understand that my belief comes from thatperspective that's not yours, and therefore you
(36:15):
can disagree. It doesn't matter.But remember, if I'm sharing this information
like a loving Jewish grandmother or fromthat bodybuilder's perspective, do you understand it's
neutral. It's neutral, So that'san example of someone getting defensive at first
and then doing the inner work.Now, as far as for listeners here,
(36:38):
it would be this, What amI saying to myself about what I
just heard? What am I sayingto myself about what I just heard?
What am I making mean my Typically, it's going to be a negative thing.
You know, I'm too fat,I'm this, I'm not good enough.
Why would I be saying that aboutmyself? Why would I be saying
(36:59):
that about myself too? How haveI been feeling about myself today? Have
I been saying loving things or hatefulthings? Have I heard other people talk
in negative ways? Where I've takenthat on and it's in my body.
There's many ways to explore why wefeel a certain way, but taking personal
responsibility is turning inward to ask thosequestions. Why would I allow myself to
(37:23):
feel this way? How have Ibeen feeling to How do I really want
to feel anyway? What if thatperson actually is a fucking jerk? All
right? Our first f bomb inthere? What if so far I don't
think yes, by the way,yeah yeah, and so it's like so
what yes, so f? Andwhat that's okay? So? How do
(37:46):
I want how do I want toenjoy my day anyway? Or if you
were say I can't because this guywas a jerk, then you have to
also be honest and say, well, I guess I'm choosing to be,
you know, codependent on what hedoes or doesn't do, which doesn't feel
good. So yes, oh mygosh, And I have to say I
have been guilty of that one manytimes in my life and it's not a
(38:07):
healthy place to be because when yourealize that you're the one kind of being
the jerk now to yourself yes situation, then you can have a tendency to
get even more jerky and more angry, and it's a cycle. So learning
to stop that and recognizing it andthen when you do. For me,
I've learned now to just laugh atthe silliness of it, like, oh,
I'm being really silly right now.That will snap you out of it
(38:30):
and taking a breath. And likeyou said, I love that you talk
about personal responsibility. I love tosay personal responsibility is power. It will
change, it will change everything.It's a game changer. It will change
your life. When you start totake responsibility for your own feelings, for
your own stories. That is really, really a great place to start when
it comes to healthy transformation. Itis not our business to take responsibility for
(38:57):
what that person said. It's notour business should try to make sense about
what that person said. It's notour responsibility to think about how it could
have been different. It's not ourresponsibility to figure out about other ways of
how he or she should have setit differently. It's our responsibility to choose
(39:19):
how we want to feel after thefact. Yes, yes, that's where
all the power is. Yes,absolutely, that's so big. I think
we can kind of look toward wrappingup now. I think that's a mic
drop moment right there. That wasamazing. So my goal with today's episode
was to give everybody just a littlebit of some food for thought about where
(39:43):
to get started with transformation. Inaddition to of course grabbing a copy of
your book. All it takes isone drop your one big hidden belief and
master your life from doctor Ray.Doctor And by the way, I want
to just point out on a funnynote, your last name really is doctor
d ok t O R. Andyou are doctor so the Iron. That
(40:06):
is so much fun. I loveit. But of course, affectionately known
as doctor Ray by most right,Yes, yes, it's actually doctor.
But I don't ever correct people,and nor do I correct myself. It
just sounds cool and it's a loteasier. Yeah, I've always heard you
pronounce it that way. That's that'sreally interesting. Yeah. So but I
love that. So thank you somuch for being with me, my friend.
I appreciate you so much, andI love, love, love the
(40:29):
book. I hope everybody grabs acopy. By the way, I'm sorry,
so you have no idea the experienceI had taken that picture for the
book. For the cover, Ishared this. Oh it was so where
I live in Ashton, Oregon.There are interesting artistic people here where you
(40:50):
might think are either not judging alittle awkward and do strange things. So
I go to this person's apartment andhe has a lighting set up and you
not. I don't know if thisis a music to get him into his
flow to take pictures, but I'lltell you this. When I take a
(41:10):
picture, I want to look vibrant, attractive, and typically that's by the
photographer showing his energy as well.He was playing the Charlie Brown theme song
in the background while taking picture.Were you bombing up and down? Oh?
I was like, I was justgoing through this thought. I'm like,
(41:34):
you've got to be joking, Like, but I put aside like his
choicey music and I just you know, I turn it inward to turn it
into comedy. But yes, hewas. I forgot that. It was
just that it was a Charlie Browntheme song. You know that is a
cute story. And now that you'resaying that, I can actually see in
(41:55):
your face a little bit of humorthere behind your eyes, which maybe he
gets credit for bringing that out ofyou because it's a great picture. Yes,
thank you, well, thank youso much. That was great to
end the show with a laugh.And thanks to everybody who's tuned in.
I love and appreciate you all.And thank you doctor Ray and amazing,
(42:15):
amazing job with the book. Itis now a bestseller. And thanks for
being with us on the show.Thank you for helping. I'll talk to
you soon, my friend. Bye. All right, that was so much
fun. I hope you enjoyed.And if you did enjoy this episode,
I would be so grateful if you'dleave a review over on Apple Podcasts or
on your favorite platform. This ishow you can help the show and help
(42:37):
the show reach more people who mightalso enjoy it, and I read them
all and I'm so grateful. Thankyou to all of you who have left
reviews so far, and be sureto connect with me on Facebook and Instagram,
and I'm on threads now as well. I also invite you to my
website, Christylinkspencer dot com, whereyou can grab access to my free video
(42:58):
masterclass, a lean Habits of theHappiest People, and find some other supportive
tools and resources I've got for youthere as well. Sending you so much
love and until next time, rememberyou've got what it takes to create more
amazing days, and more amazing daysmake up a pretty amazing life. Have
a fantastic week, my beautiful friends, and I'll see you soon.
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