0202. I Can't Wait to Get Over the Wall

Helena reconnects with an old friend. Someone is having a really bad day. Ellen wants free firewood. Ants! Ellen leaves something behind. Josh finds something alarming. Where's Leslie?

Starring:
• Adrienne Hardison as Helena
• Cindy Hall as ???????
• Jeff Powell as Mark
• Sara Stapleton as Karen/Herself
• Sara Beth Poole as Ellen
• Alyse Braaten as Leslie
• Chris Green as David
• Josh Hallmark as Himself

Music by:
• Podington Bear
• Grandma Pat
• Julie Maxwell's Piano Music

Episode Transcript

(00:23):
I'm sorry to hear about Misty.He looks like he was a cute little
guy. Was Jackie the gal fromthe cul de sac Bridge Club? You
know, it's been so long,I just don't remember who's who anymore.
This old brain can barely remember toget the mail each day. Do you
remember Patty, Patty with the crystals? Paul's married to her now. I

(00:46):
always know she was a floozy.Everyone's always telling me to go out on
dates. What for at our age? What's the point? Really, I
don't like cruises. I much preferto stay. I do get out to
Scottsdale sometimes. It gets so hot. It's about seventy seven degrees here today,

(01:07):
and I like that just fine.I went to Mexico once when I
was younger. There was poverty allover. The antiques were very cheap.
Antiques these days are so expensive.Why should I pay forty dollars for something
I paid ten dollars for thirty yearsago. I just don't understand it.

(01:29):
Bye. It's funny to look backat the beginning of this podcast, to

(02:08):
look back at what it was,meant to be, what it was,
and now sitting here to see whatit is. What it's become that journey
is so strangely similar to the journeyof the letters themselves, from experience to
incident to accident to something so muchbigger than just two girls renting an apartment

(02:30):
in Oakland. When I started theKaren and Ellen Letters podcast, it was
meant to be just about those letters, the telling of that story, the
story as I knew it. Butthrough the podcast, that story changed.
It became something bigger, and thefurther it grew outward, the more I

(02:53):
found myself looking inward, both atmy own experiences and at the original letters
themselves. I began to reread them, but with a new perspective. It
was less about the comedy and moreabout the mystery how these letters came to
be and what they meant beyond thescope of my own experiences. About three

(03:17):
weeks before we wrapped production on thefirst season, Jeff, who plays Mark,
sent me a text message, atext message that changed my whole outlook
on the Karen and Ellen Letters.It merely said, hey, have you
seen this? Followed by a link, And as soon as I clicked that

(03:40):
link, I knew that the Karenand Ellen journey wasn't coming to a close.
That instead, it had only justbegun. I pulled out my old
file folder of letters and started scribblingnotes, creating timelines, carefully comparing and
contrasting and seeing things that had preobviously escaped me. I called Sarah,

(04:02):
and that's where what she refers toas her murder board was born. That's
where our looming vacation transformed into anew obsession, one of late night phone
calls, file transfers, head scratchingand jaw dropping revelations. That's when season

(04:23):
two truly began, on a oneam phone call, and with just a
handful of correspondents we'd begin referring toas the Lost Letters. Now, these
lost letters weren't literally lost letters.They actually came from a few different places,
and some of them let us downlong, entangled paths to new truths.

(04:46):
Others were mostly dead ends that servedmerely as contradictions to everything we thought
we knew. They reminded us thatnot everything was black and white, right
versus wrong, or fiction versus nonfiction. What was real took on a whole
new meaning. Truth became strangely fluid. One of those dead ends came from

(05:12):
my file folder itself. It wasanother letter I had always overlooked because it
seemed like it had been there bymistake. It was a different handwriting,
one that was almost childlike, andit was only part of a letter.
There was no real end to it, there was no definitive signer. Contextually,
it made no sense, and whilethere was no way to be sure,

(05:33):
after reading it a few times,Sarah and I were both pretty certain
about who we thought the letter wasfrom. George. Hello, how are
you doing? I hope everything isgoing well for you. I hope everything

(05:53):
is going good with your kids andall the changes. As for myself,
I'm bored as hell. I wentout briefly today and watch TV with a
friend. Of course, I lockedmyself out and now I have to wait
until after dinner for my landlord tocome let me back in. So I'm

(06:18):
just kicking back, waiting for mailcall until then so I can get more
depressed. I've got a colder theflu, and I feel like shit.
Damn it. My back hurts likehell. I need someone to rub it,

(06:38):
but there's no one here. Myfriend Jennifer left today. Remember I
told you she's got the shit.She had to go to Childchilla. I
can't wait to get over the wall. Well, the mail just came.

(07:00):
No new letters from you. Iknow you told me to write, and
if you're not going to write,I would appreciate it very much if you
would just let me know what's upwith one fucking letter, and I won't
bother you anymore. After over fiveyears. You can do that much,

(07:20):
can't you. I am so upset. I can't believe I'm still writing.
You would think I would get thehint by now. Well, I am
not going to keep wasting envelopes.I don't even have on someone that doesn't
write back. So I won't botheryou anymore, or at least until I

(07:46):
get a letter from you. Andit's not just you. No one has
written me back. I give up. But when I do get out,
I know things are going to bedifferent. I know things are going to
be different for me. Days withthe g who springs with nav Doctor got

(09:16):
over from the Karen and Ellen lettershave surprised me so much that they no
longer surprise me anymore. But whenJeff sent over copies of the Firewood letters,
I was alarmed. If you'll rememberfrom season one, there's a string

(09:41):
of letters between Ellen and Mark regardingfree firewood. February fifth, nineteen eighty
eight. Dear Mark, Marcia,a former tenant of yours, is a
good friend of me. She tellsme that when she used to rent her
apartment from you on McKinley Street,you used to take her free firewood for
free. She says, you takefree firewood to lots of your tenants.

(10:05):
How come I never get any?Yours, Ellen, February eighth, nineteen
eighty eight, Dear Ellen, itis true that I used to give firewood
to Marsha. It is also truethat I still give free firewood to some
of my tenants, those with fireplaces. Your cottage has no wood stove or

(10:26):
fireplace. Sincerely, Mark. DearMark, I know I haven't gotten a
fireplace. If I did have one, I would have seen it by now.
But it's irrelevant. If you givefree firewood to your other tenants,
I should get a free share too, Yours Ellen. The thing that alarmed

(10:46):
me about the firewood letters that Jeffsent me was that there were more than
what I originally had, and theywere slightly different. February fifth, nineteen
eighty eight. Dear Mark, Marciais a good friend of mine. She
says that when she used to rentan apartment from you, you used to

(11:07):
give her free firewood for free.She says that you give free firewood to
your tenants all the time. Howcome I never get any? Yours,
Ellen, February eighth, nineteen eightyeight. Dear Ellen, it is true
that I used to give free firewoodto Marsha, and I still give free
firewood to my tenants. The reasonI haven't offered you any free firewood is

(11:31):
because your cottage does not have afireplace. Sincerely, Mark, February tenth,
nineteen eighty eight. Dear Mark,I know I haven't got a fireplace.
If I did have one, Iwould have seen it by now,
but that's irrelevant. If you givefree firewood to your other tenants, I
should get some too, Yours,Ellen, February fourteenth, nineteen eighty eight.

(11:56):
Dear Ellen, I don't understand.Since you have no fireplace, why
would you want firewood? And whatwould you do with it if I gave
it to you? Sincerely, Mark, February eighteenth, nineteen eighty eight.
Dear Mark, I knew you weregoing to ask that question. I don't
know what I would do with thefirewood, but I want it. Anyway.

(12:16):
It annoys me that you give freefirewood to your other tenants and that
I don't get any. I'd paymy rent on time. Yours Ellen,
February twenty fourth, nineteen eighty eight. Dear Ellen, I am sorry you
feel this way, but I amnot going to change my position. I
only give free firewood to my tenantswho have fireplaces or wood burning stoves.

(12:41):
Sincerely, Mark, March second,nineteen eighty eight. Dear Mark, Okay,
then can I get a fireplace.I'd like to have a fireplace,
and there's a good place to putone on the north wall in my living
room. I believe it's true north, but I can't be for sure until
we can get Gurulahara here. Thereare no windows on that wall, and

(13:03):
I think it would look really nicethere. A fireplace would increase the value
of my cottage, so it wouldbe a good investment for you. I
like marble, Karen likes pottery.Yours, Ellen in March eighth, nineteen
eighty eight. Dear Ellen, Iam not going to build a fireplace in

(13:26):
your cottage just so that I cangive you free firewood. Frankly, I
think this is ridiculous. Sincerely,Mark, At first, I just assumed
some of these letters hadn't been includedin my file folder. But then I
realized there were slight differences between theones that had and the ones that Jeff

(13:48):
had sent me. I couldn't reallymake heads or tails of why they'd be
different, and thought perhaps they'd justbeen transcribed incorrectly. I didn't think long
about it, though, because therewere more letters, new letters i'd never
seen. Dear Mark. The answerback, I have tried everything, but
nothing works. I have even triedyelling at them. Ellen, Dear Ellen.

(14:13):
I have been meaning to talk toyou about this for some time.
I know that you have been yellingat the ants in your kitchen. I
can hear you from my office.However, yelling get out, get out
at ants doesn't work. I don'tknow if ants have ears, but I
am sure that they don't understand English. I will come over and spray something

(14:37):
in your kitchen to get rid ofthem. Mark, dear Mark, Will
this spray kill the ants, Ellen, Dear Ellen. Yes. I use
a product that is made from theoil of orange peels. It is not
harmful to people, but it destroysthe respiratory system of ants and other insects.

(14:58):
They die quickly because they can't breathe. Mark, Dear Mark, I
don't want you to do that.That sounds awful. How would you feel
if you couldn't breathe? Let methink about this for a while. I
was hoping you had a spray thatwould just keep the ants away, like
mosquito repellent keeps mosquitoes away. Ellen, Dear Ellen, I don't have aunt

(15:22):
repellent. I don't even know ifsuch a product exists. I use orange
peel oil because it is non toxicto people and safe to use in restaurants
and home kitchens. However, thisproduct does kill ants, it doesn't just
repel them. Mark Dear Mark.I need time to think this over.

(15:43):
Please don't do anything until I sayso. Ellen, dear Ellen, Okay,
think it over. I will sprayor not spray your kitchen as you
wish. There are many products onthe market that will kill or repel ant
ants, but I don't know ofany, aside from orange peel oil,

(16:03):
that are safe to use in akitchen or around food. I have investigated
this matter, Mark, dear Mark, I found six more dead ants in
my kitchen this morning. I foundfour dead ants in my kitchen yesterday.
Did you spray that stuff in mykitchen? I don't think there is anything

(16:25):
in my kitchen that would kill ants. I found most of the ants on
top of the sink near the soap. Do you think the ants might have
eaten the soap and died? Issoap poisonous to ants? If it is,
do you know of a brand ofsoap that won't kill any ants if
they eat it? Ellen, DearEllen, I did not spray in your
kitchen. You told me not to. Frankly, I think it is silly

(16:49):
for you to worry about the healthof ants in your kitchen. You have
probably killed hundreds of ants by justwalking on the grass in your yard.
Mark, Dear Mark, Wow,I've been thinking about what you said about
walking on ants in the yard.You are probably right. It makes you
wonder if it is okay to walkin the yard. I have been taking

(17:11):
the ants in my kitchen outside andputting them in the yard, but I
don't know if that's the right thingto do. It is depressing, but
I know you are right. Iam now taking the ants to the back
porch and dropping them off into theyard. Some of them maybe get hurt
in the fall, but that's betterthan walking on other ants in order to

(17:32):
save the kitchen ants. Don't youthink? What do you think I should
do? Ellen, Dear Ellen,do whatever you think is best. Mark,
Dear Mark. I asked my motherfor her advice about the ants.
She thinks that trying to save antsis stupid. She says that she kills

(17:55):
ants all the time. My motherthinks that I have too much time on
my hands. She says that insteadof trying to save the ants in my
kitchen, that I should come overto the church today and help her make
brownies for gift baskets for our veryold members. What do you think,
Ellen, Dear Ellen, I agreewith your mother. If you change your

(18:18):
mind and want me to spray yourkitchen, let me know. Mark,
dear Mark, would you like somebrownies? My mother and I made a
lot of them today at the churchfor gift baskets. We made too many
of them. They are very good. If you want to spray my kitchen,
go ahead. I have lost interestin the ants, Ellen Bonnie.

(18:40):
Here is the homework Ellen left intheir cottage that I mentioned previously. I'm
not sure it will have any value, but you asked for everything. Mark
August twenty third, nineteen eighty eight. Geography, one oh one Ellen.
Austria. Austria is the biggest islandin the world. Austria is famous for

(19:03):
its kangaroos. The government of Austriais run by Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi.
Austria is mostly desert. There aremany strange animals in Austria and people
who ski across the Alps. Thecapital of Austria is Vienna, where they
make sausages. The people of Austriaspeak German. Crocodile Dundee speaks English,

(19:29):
but that's because he doesn't live inVienna, but in the desert. The
people who live in the desert inAustria are called Aboriginals and they speak English.
Vienna is famous for its beautiful whiteleprechaun stallions. They were almost killed
during World War Two the End.August twenty ninth, nineteen eighty eight.
Geography, one oh one Ellen.The Philippines. The Philippines is a country

(19:56):
that is a group of islands inthe Pacific Ocean near China. The Philippines
is a very old country in theBible. The Philippines sent Delilah to cut
Samson's hair, and then Samson broughtdown their temple. The capital of the
Philippines is Manila, which is famousfor its envelopes. I use them all

(20:18):
the time. The Philippines used tobelong to Spain. Then it belonged to
the US. That's US. Nowit belongs to President Marcos. The Philippines
were invaded by Japan during World WarII, until we kick them out.
Japan is also a country that isa group of islands in the Pacific Ocean
near China. In Japan, theyspeak Japanese. In the Philippines they do

(20:44):
not. The end September two,nineteen eighty eight. Geography one oh one
ellen India India is a large countryin Asia. There are more people in
India than any other country in theworld except China. Even though India is
big, it is poor. Manyuseful things come from India, such as

(21:07):
India ink, cotton, and tea. But most important of all, India
gave the world karma. What couldbe more important than that. Indians speak
a lot of different languages and havea lot of different religions. The Indians
who live in India are the realIndians. The Indians who live in the

(21:27):
us, like the Schnook Indians inOregon are not Indians at all. I
don't know why they call themselves Indians, but it sounds like bad karma to
me. The end September fourth,nineteen eighty eight. Geography, one oh
one Ellen, France. France isa big country in Europe and is bordered

(21:51):
by Germany, Italy and Spain.French is a Romantic language, which means
that they picked it up from theRomans who roamed to France a long time
ago. France is famous for itsart. The most famous museum in France
is the Louver in Paris. TheLouver is very, very beautiful, except

(22:11):
you can't get inside if you arecarrying food or wine with you, which
doesn't sound very French to me.France is famous for its food, wine
and toast. France is really atourist trap. I know I was there.
You can tell it's a tourist trapbecause there are so many tourists there.

(22:32):
Sometimes it reigns in France and sometimesit doesn't. The end September sixth,
nineteen eighty eight, Geography, oneoh one, Ellen, number one.
The capital of Spain is Madrid.Spanish is a Romantic language. Which
means it came from the Romans.They really roamed all over the place.

(22:55):
Number two. The capital of Chileis San Diego. They also speak Spanish.
Number three. The capital of Indiais New Delhi. They speak a
lot of different languages there. Numberfour. The capital of Brazil is Rio.
They speak portun Geese. Number five. The capital of Libya is Cairo,

(23:18):
they speak Arabic. Number six.The capital of Greece is Athens,
they speak Greek. Number seven.The capital of French Guineas. They speak
French. Number eight. The capitalof Dutch Guineas, they speak Dutch.

(23:41):
September seventh, nineteen eighty eight.Western Siev. One hundred and ten.
Ellen match the names in column Awith the names in column B, and
briefly state the connection. Column A. Jesus Christ, Martin Luther, til
the hun Franklin Roosevelt, Napoleon Bonaparte, Augustus Caesar, columb Caligula, John

(24:10):
the Baptist, Erasmus, Pope,Leo the First, Harry Truman, the
Duke of Wellington. One Jesus Christand Napoleon Bonaparte. They both had bad
luck and died poor. Two Johnthe Baptist and Attila the hunt. They
both had the same middle name.Three Roosevelt and Truman. They wanted to

(24:37):
take away everybody's money and give itto welfare chiselers. Four Martin Luther and
the Duke of Wellington. They werefamous black Americans. Martin Luther was shot
and the Duke of Wellington wrote takethe a train. Five Pope Leo the
First and Augustus Caesar. They wereboth anti communists. Six Erasmus and Caligula.

(25:06):
They had no last names. Seven. Who was the publisher of the
abolitionist newspaper The Liberator? William LloydGarrison? Eight briefly explain how the invention
of the cotton gen affected the institutionof slavery. People in the South drink
a lot of cotton gen especially blackslaves. Nine. Who was principally responsible

(25:33):
for the development of the nullification doctrine? John E. Calhoun? Ten?
In what case did the Supreme Courtrule that the Missouri Compromise was unconstitutional?
Dread Scott? Eleven What were themajor tenets of the abolitionist movement? John

(25:53):
Brown was an abolitionist. White peoplein the South kept black slaves to make
cotton gent in. The abolitionists wantedto free the slaves, so there wouldn't
be any more Cottingen. But bootlickuors like al Capone made it anyway.
Then they repeeled abolition. Leslie,where's Leslie here? I'm here. What's

(26:17):
the status of our special project?The entire team is onboard and route our
first meetings on Tuesday. It's onyour calendar. Why am I just now
hearing about this? Why do Ihave to ask about these things? Actually?
I left you two messages, andI left a note in your office
about fine coffee. Please? Helloeveryone. People seem to really like my

(26:47):
last mouse release video, so Irecorded another one. It's the same type
of trap, although this one isa little different. It's a different brand.
I think it's the same idea,though. So again, you pull
down this little lever here and youshould go. You should be going.

(27:07):
Maybe he's scared. Maybe oh ohsh I'm gonna whisper because he's starting to
move and I don't want to scarehim. Come on, little mouse,
go be free. Come on,little mouse. He's moving. There he
goes, there he goes,