0203. In My Legal Opinion

There's something oddly familiar, but strangely foreign about this. But what does it all mean, Leslie? Leslie?

Starring:
• Chris Green as David
• Josh Hallmark as Himself
• Lori Anyder as Dot
• Deana Marie as Karen
• Cory Saceaux as Rob
• Steven Pappas as Mark
• Donna Hume as Ellen
• Sara Stapleton as Herself
• Holly Hall as Patricia

Music by:
• Podington Bear
• Grandma Pat
• Ivy

Episode Transcript

(00:08):
When I finally talked myself completely outof breath, I was surprised to find
that Mark wasn't surprised at all.He told me that in the late nineties
the letters were making their way aroundthe Internet, that someone had contacted him
way back then about them. Soare they real? Misty was a girl.

(00:33):
Seventy seven degrees sounds great. It'seighty nine here just now. It's
not even eleven in the morning.Yesterday it got to one hundred and two.
No, Jackie was the redhead ofgal. She never worked. I
always knew not working would be badfor her. A woman ought to know
how to do things. Jackie didn'tknow how to do much. When her

(00:58):
Frank passed, she didn't even knowwhether the house they lived in was paid
for. Frank was her husband.Do you remember Frank? Like I always
say, a woman ought to knowthings. I do remember, Patty.
You always had to keep a yardstickbetween her and your purse and your husband

(01:19):
and all her spirituality. Mumbo Jumbowas obnoxious, although she was a very
talented artist. Does she still dothose pet portraits? If you have her
number, I might get in touchand see if she would do a portrait
of Misty. Do you think shewould give me a discount? December seventh,

(02:47):
nineteen eighty eight, Mark, thereis a letter for you from Rob
in this envelope. I am sorryyou are making me turn things over to
him, but it seems to methat this is the only way I'm going
to get back my security deposit fromyou, plus interest plus everything else you
owe me. I don't want tosue you in small claims court, so

(03:10):
why don't you just pay me whatyou owe me. We aren't working at
the Christmas Tree Farm anymore. Thatjob didn't work out so good. The
Christmas Tree Farm had to go outof business, So now Rob and I
have time to work on all thissecurity deposit stuff. Rob and me are
thinking about moving back to the BayArea. If you haven't already rent my

(03:31):
house to someone else, I mightbe interested in renting again. Maybe you
could give me a deal for beinga repeat customer or something yours. Karen,
ps, don't throw out the catpainting. If you throw it out,
you will have December seventh, nineteeneighty eight, Dear mister Mark,

(03:53):
Karen has shown me your letters toher. Karen has also shown me her
letters to you. It's seemed thatyou do not tend to return Karen's security
deposit to us. Karen has askedme to be her legal representative. Karen
wants a check from you in thenext ten days. Karen wants her security
deposit back. Karen also wants theinterest on her deposit for the fifteen months

(04:17):
Karen was your tenant. Karen wantsyou to pay the thirty four point four
percent a year interest you agreed topay. If Karen does not receive a
check from you in the next tendays, Karen will sue you in small
claims court. Karen hopes you'll payup. Karen would prefer not to go
to court. Karen would also likeher cat painting back. Karen would like

(04:42):
two hundred dollars for the cat paintingif you do not give it back,
Karen would like one or the otheror both also in the next ten days.
Ten days means December eighteenth, ormaybe nineteenth, depending on when you
get this letter from me legally orthere's mister Rob Esquire, Legal advisor to
Karen, December eleventh, nineteen eightyeight. Dear Karen, before you initiate

(05:09):
a suit in Portland small claims courtfor the refund of a security deposit on
a house in Oakland, California.I strongly advise you to first go speak
to your family lawyer, and Idon't mean Rob. I've tried repeatedly and
unsuccessfully to explain to you the conceptof jurisdiction. Portland, Oregon Small Claims

(05:31):
Court has no jurisdiction in California.Sincerely, Mark, December fifteenth, nineteen
eighty eight. Dear mister Mark,Karen showed me your letter to her.
Karen still wants her security deposit backplus interest. In my legal opinion,
the question of jurisdiction is a mutepoint, which means you still owe Karen

(05:58):
the money ce Roe versus Wade.On another matter, Karen and me are
no longer working at the Christmas TreeFarm. Do you think your uncle in
Boston could kt me into his lawschool legally? Yours, mister Rob Esquire,
Legal advisor to Karen, December fifteenth, nineteen eighty eight. Dear Mark,

(06:23):
Karen, Rob and I need jobs. We all got fired from the
Christmas Tree Farm. There was anaccident at the Christmas Tree Farm and they
blamed Rob. It wasn't really hisfault. If you ask me it could
have happened to anyone. I wasn'teven there, but they fired me too.
Can you imagine anyway? The ownerof the Christmas Tree Farm wasn't very
nice about it. He wouldn't giveus letters of recommendation. He didn't even

(06:46):
give us two weeks notice. Hejust fired us. And now we found
out that we can't collect unemployment insurancejust because Karen and Rob didn't work long
enough at the Christmas Tree Farm tocollect unemployment insurance. Anyway, could you
or any of your landlord rints hireus. You said you hire people all
the time to work on your house. Rob can do stuff with electricity.

(07:11):
Karen is very practical and good withnumbers. I'm not practical. I'm an
artist. I could decorate your houses, and I worked for a short while
in a pickle factory. Well,if you can think of any jobs that
we would be good for, letme know. Bye your tenant. Ellen,
December twenty second, nineteen eighty eight. Dear Mark, my father told

(07:33):
me you are right. He saysI can't sue you in Portland for my
deposit. He wasn't talking to mefor the last two weeks. He was
mad at me. For getting firedfrom that Christmas tree farm. But I
can't tell you about that except thatI don't think it was really our fault
anyway. Supposing you're right, thenI would have to sue you in Oakland.

(07:57):
But Oakland is almost three hundred milesfrom Portland, so I would appreciate
it if you would do me afavor. Would you go to wherever you
go and get me forms to fillout so I can sue you and send
them to me. If there aren'tany instructions for the forms, would you
tell me what to do? Thisis the first time I've ever sued someone,

(08:18):
and I really don't know what I'mdoing. Yours, Karen, December
eighteenth, nineteen eighty eight. DearKaren, I'm not going to respond to
letters from Rob. He was nota tenant of mine and he is not
qualified to act as your quote legalrepresentative. Notwithstanding the fact that Rob is

(08:41):
still seriously thinking about applying to lawschool, don't you know that there are
serious penalties for practicing law without alicense. I'm not sending you any money,
and you cannot sue me in thiscase. In Portland. Jurisdiction is
not a mute point or a mootpoint either in a matter like this.

(09:03):
By the way, the issue inthe case Roe versus Wide was abortion,
not yourisdiction. Mark, December twentysixth, nineteen eighty eight. Dear Karen,
before sending me any more letters,read and reread this letter, and

(09:26):
then don't send me any more letters. One I am not going to help
you sue me. Two I amnot going to pick up any forms or
advise you how to fill them outso you can sue me note well.
Three I am not going to sendyou any money. Four I am not

(09:50):
going to accept the cat painting oranything else as a trade or inducement to
send you money. Five I amnot going to re rent were former residents
to you. Six I'm not goingto rent anything to you ever. Seven
I am not going to respond toletters from your legal representative Rob. Eight

(10:15):
I am not going to ask myuncle to admit Rob to his or any
other law school. Very sincerely,Mark, January first, nineteen eighty nine.
Dear mister Mark, Karen read yourlast letter. Karen still wants her
security deposit back plus interest. Karenfeels that you are not being fair with

(10:37):
her and that you have used thejurisdiction loophole too many times already, Karen
left her house clean. Karen gaveyou thirty days written notice before she left.
None of us broke anything in Karen'shouse on purpose. It is almost
eight hundred miles from Karen's house inPortland to the Oakland Small Claims Court in

(10:58):
Oakland, but only five miles fromyour house in Berkeley. Karen feels that
you are being unfair by your refuseto go to the Oakland Courthouse and fill
out a complaint against yourself so Karencan sue you. It is only a
small favor Karen is asking you todo, and Karen is willing to allow
you to deduct the cost of thefiling the complaint from her security deposit refund.

(11:22):
At this point, I do notsee any way that my client Karen
can sue you for the refund ofher security deposit unless you cooperate legally.
Yours, mister Rob Esquire, Legaladvisor to Karen, January second, nineteen
eighty nine. Dear Karen, onDecember second, nineteen eighty eight, I

(11:43):
sent you a letter in which Istated that you have thirty days to pick
up your cat painting or I wouldhave it taken to the city dump.
This letter is to inform you thatI had your cat painting taken to the
dump this morning. As you havemade no effort to pick up this painting
during the last thirty days, Iwill not charge you for the hauling or
dump fies. Now, before youask, let me assure you that I'm

(12:05):
not going to pay you any compensationfor the lost value of this painting,
if indeed it has any As faras I'm concerned, your cat painting is
what I call visual epicac. Hippacacis a South American plant whose extract is
used to induce vomiting. Undoubtedly,you have no idea what I'm talking about.

(12:26):
Therefore, let me just explain thatthe cat painting has gone forever and
I'm not paying you anything for itsloss. That's Sally Mark, January third,
nineteen eighty nine. Dear Mark,I've been studying letters you sent Karen
a few days ago, and I'vebeen thinking and thinking about it. If
you won't send Karen's security deposit backto her, why don't you just send

(12:46):
it to me instead? Then Ican split the money with Karen when your
check arrives. That way, everybodyis happy, you know, Mark,
If you don't mind my saying so, your letters to Karen lately have been
sounding a little unfriendly. This cangive you bad karma. You should try
meditating before you write letters. It'svery soothing, and meditating is very chic

(13:07):
right now. And speaking of badkarma, Karen says that she heard that
they're building a doomed baseball stadium inyour hometown of Baltimore. Talk about bad
karma, your tenant, Ellen,January third, nineteen eighty nine. Dear
Mark, Well, you sure wereright about one thing in your last letter.

(13:28):
I have no idea what you weretalking about. I don't want some
stupid plant that makes people vomit.I'm not dumb, you know. I
just want back my security deposit.Rob says that he thought your letter was
insulting. Ellen isn't sure. Ithink you may have been joking, but
if you were, I didn't getit. But let's get down to business.

(13:52):
So now, in addition to everythingelse you owe me, you also
owe me one hundred and ninety sevendollars, which is almost two hundred dollars
that Ellen paid for the cat painting. And what about the mermaid clock we
left. Ellen thinks it's a realold valuable antique. Karen, God,

(14:13):
I don't have any more time forthis. Leslie, Leslie with them?
Where's Leslie? Well do I know? But wait, you said you found

(15:35):
Ellen? Are you value did?Well? Yeah, that's a different let's
let's we'll get to that forward.The more research that I do, the
more unsure about everything, the moreit makes sense, the less it makes
sense. So this Karen and Robas we know them, as we we

(15:56):
know, we think this is them, right, this is our best clue.
Her email to you, you know, blah blah. So if that
is her, this is Rob becauseshe was married to him, okay,
right, and they the wealthy family. Okay, I found his family.
He so she had it. Ohsorry, that daughter was her daughter from

(16:18):
a previous marriage, and then theyhad one son together. So she had
two kids from from a previous marriage, and then they had one son together.
And that's how I found out thatfor sure he was married to her
because at their son's wedding, there'sa picture of Karen. Okay, so
I'm just trying to like it makessense, but it doesn't because they're like,

(16:47):
it's the that's Karen who I've beenemailing with, who is like confirmed
she was the Karen and she's marriedto someone with the same last name who
comes from a lot of money.Mm hmm. I can't find anything on
her. Well. But then alsolike they're what like twelve years too old

(17:08):
and they had kids at the time, Yeah, one maybe two because they
were No, she would have hadtwo, she would she would have had
their the first son, because thatwas from her previous marriage. Okay,
I need a minute to marinate onthat. Let's talk about the l and
you found who was not a childof Karen. Okay. So so you

(17:37):
know, I look at the recordsof who lived in the house, and
you know, going through there's oneKaren on there. Okay, right,
But the first thought was like theKaren that's on there, the the age
was off. I think I can'tremember why I counted her out and that
was not email Karen. I guessthat's what we should right. Oh,
No, she had no connection toPortland. That's I counted her out or

(18:02):
something like that. I can't rememberwhere I was like, no, that's
not our Karen. Well, no, the I had her name, you
gave me her name, and thatwasn't her, right. So I'm looking
and there's no there's like no Ellen'slike on the list, but there's this
name that's like super Jewish, justlike Ellen's name was right. And I'm

(18:25):
like, would it really like wouldit really be that like that? And
I started looking at her and shelives has lived in the Portland area.
She has lived in Seattle. Shecurrently lives in the area now. Actually,
and she as I was going throughI'm going to send you a picture,

(18:48):
this picture and You're going to die. She's kind of artistic. She's
into the you know, natural healing, you know. And I'm like,
Okay, that's feeling very Ellen like. And then I find this art project
which is literally prints of fish justlaid out across the floor, shot up,

(19:11):
dead serious, you'll die when yousee it. It's just like I
was like, oh my god,she's really she's she's got PTSD from watching
the fish. This art project gotto be HER's got to be her.
She definitely lived in the apartment forthe cottage, definitely definitely lived there.

(19:34):
Portland roots. She was not bornthere, but she has lived there.
She lives in the She's the Northwestperson and she is an artist who's into
natural healing. You know, shepaints fish and she like said, come
on, there is no way that'snot Ellen. It's yeah, seriously,

(20:00):
is how old is she's? She'sshe's the right age. She's like my
age and I'm about like Karen andEllen's age. Does she have no connections
to Mike to email Karen. No, I can't find any connection to your
email Karen at all. And theyhave different last names. Yeah, So

(20:23):
like, if these are real people, either your email Karen and I'll call
him email. Rob had baby Ellenand he made her older or fish Ellen
or Fishelin had a roommate that wedon't know about because I can't tell who

(20:45):
lived in the house when she mighthave had a roommate. For all we
know she lived with them, butwe can't place them. But that would
be weird because they're they were marriedand they had you know, or maybe
there's another Karen out there that wedon't know about, or maybe you know,
these aren't real letters, which Idon't want to believe. Sorry,

(21:10):
looking at the fish picture now isamazing, right, And I found her
Facebook profile and like the So thefirst thing that comes to mind, which
is superficial. Is she's very beautiful? Yeah, which it goes against what

(21:30):
Mark had said about her. Right, but like this on paper, like
if you presented this as factually Ellen, no one yeah, no one would
argue that. Yeah. I justlook, it's this is a lot of
information, so okay, yeah,and none of it confirms anything. Well,

(21:53):
it's like they don't match up,Like it's like two different timelines,
right, And then I found apossible Pickle family. Can I tell you
this? No, I found apossible Pickle family, but I can't find
any connection to any of our players, Okay, and I have been like

(22:17):
aside from the fact that they werepossibly Jewish. Fine, Okay, So
let's let's put fish Ellen to theside for a minute and assume Email Karen
and Rob either were significantly older whenthey lived there or Mark changed the timeline

(22:42):
for whatever reason, and they actuallylived there in the seventies. Is that
possible that they lived there in theseventies. Yeah, that is definitely possible.
I mean so the first that soRoger Rabbit and George Bush then are
nullified. But those are both Ellenletters. So if Email Karen and Rob

(23:07):
are the real Karen and Rob eitherthey live there in the seventies and Ellen
was a child, which makes alot of her letters contextually make sense.
Oh wait, wait, let mecheck, but I think Karen was married
to someone else married Yeah, nineteenseventy three, she was married to somebody

(23:32):
else. Well that's seventy three,did three? Let me find it eighty
two, so late eighties. Itcould have been you know, eighties,
nineties. They got a marriage licensein eighty two. So if they live
there in eighty one eighty two,how old does that make them? Born

(23:56):
in fifty four, so twenty seven, twenty eight, But then she's a
lot older than yeah, and shehas kids. Yeah, yeah, her
daughter would have been like eight yeah, like I said, seven eight,
Okay, so late eighties. Thenthey live there in the early eighties,

(24:19):
and one of her kids from aprevious marriage is Ellen. So here's what's
throwing me off. Is like,email Karen has verified to me that she
is the Karen from the letters,but we can't connect her back to the
cottage, right right, right,can't connect her or rop but we can

(24:44):
connect fish Ellen back, yes,but we can't connect her to email Karen.
And also just logistically, the twoof them living together doesn't add up
right. Hello, seekers, Iam Patricia, I am a visionary,

(25:10):
and I have empathy towards the painin the world, but also the joy
in the world. Meaningful lasting changewill occur as human by human, as
animal by animal. We raise ourconsciousness above that which cares for the self

(25:30):
alone, toward what is best forall beings, all people, all animals,
and our great mother Earth. Seekers, I present two things for you
now. I present my own perspectiveon the runs as red psychically and as

(25:51):
a way of life. The roomspresent an ancient system of understanding ourselves as
human beings in relationship to the world. I also create pet portraits as an
act of beauty I can offer toothers through my own unique talents. Those

(26:11):
of us who love our animals enjoyquality. Pet portraits as art serves to
immortalize the joy we take in ouranimals. Let us navigate our soul maps
together and with our animal friends,to converge with our inner selves and with

(26:32):
our mother Earth will be gone.Whoa silad sound