All Episodes

February 21, 2024 • 20 mins
Helena gets upset with the news. Ellen has her eye on a cat painting. Josh can't believe his eyes. Darren spills the beans. Thanksgiving is celebrated on opposite ends of the country.

Starring:
  • Adrienne Hardison as Helena
  • Josh Hallmark as Himself
  • Sara Beth Poole as Ellen
  • Sara Stapleton as Herself/Karen
  • Matt Valletta as Darren
  • Holly Hall as Patricia
Music by:
  • Podington Bear
  • Titus 12
  • Gary & John
  • Chris Zabriskie
  • Samuel Corwin
  • Lia Ices
Mark as Played
Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:16):
It was the worst one hundred andeighteen days of my life. Chris was
in for a while longer she couldn'tafford a good lawyer. The court called
it vandalism and destruction of private property. We called it protest. People liked
to forget. But the eighties werejust as corrupt as nowadays. Cops really

(00:38):
are pigs, you know, Paulreally showed his true colors. Then piece
of trash running off like that,abandoning us. Did you ever get that
pet? Portrait of Misty? Peoplesay I should get a pet. I
spend so much time alone. Idon't want to care for an animal reals.

(01:00):
ABC seven News please get rid ofthat bald guy. I don't care
for him. He talks like hehas a mouthful of pistachios. I think
he thinks he's better than everyone else. Not great for the news if you
ask me. And his ties arealways wrinkled. What kind of a man

(01:23):
in his fifties maybe sixties with wrinkledties? He needs to steam them in
the shower. You shouldn't iron atie. Everybody knows that. Can Someone
please help me take that post offmy Facebook and put it on ABC seven

(01:44):
News Facebook. I don't understand whythey make this thing so complicated. Hi,

(02:24):
it's me. It's like four pointthirty in the morning. Spent the
last three and a half hours sincewe got off the phone going deep into
fish Ellen's Facebook page. And hereis I guess, the highlights of the
last year that are very eerily theEllen that we know and love. And

(02:52):
even when she is not eerily theEllen we know in love, it is
eerily opposite of the Ellen we knowand love. I also found some thing
quite shocking, but I feel likeI will save that for another phone call.

(03:12):
So here here are the greatest hitsof fish Ellen, and I'm gonna
try to get some sleep. HappyThanksgiving sharing one of my Thanksgiving rituals,
which involves listening to Arlo guthriees Alice'srestaurant while cooking and hanging out with people
I love. Come hang out withme physically, and if you can't hang

(03:36):
out with me physically, hang outwith me metaphysically. Also, I don't
think you should eat turkey on Thanksgivingor ever. Really, there are alternatives
to meat and poultry on the holidays. If you need help finding a meat
or poultry alternative, please call me. Or come over. I can be
your guide on the first meatless orpoultry less Thanksgiving, and I will be

(03:57):
thankful for that, and so willthe turkey. On December first, there
is a public rally to save thesalmon. Just show up, just be
there, be there for the salmon. Salmon have hearts and brands and lives
just like us, even the oneswe eat. Remember to save the salmon
on December first. Like a goodJewish person, I've been baking cookies most

(04:18):
of the afternoon and the evening too, using my grandmother's sugar cookie recipe.
I feel like I'm channeling her energyand have found myself talking with her and
my grandfather, her husband throughout theday. I think they would be very
sad to know that none of theirfour grandchildren did any procreation, I mean,
having children of our own. Thanksto grandfather's foresight, he and grandmother

(04:42):
escape the Nazis. He frequently toldmy sister and I to graduate from college,
get married, and have children.This kind of guilt is not a
good reason to have children, butat one point in time, it made
me think about having children because allmy grandfather's advice turned out to be true.
This might sound like it was anintrospective, sad afternoon, but quite

(05:02):
the opposite is true. It wasfull of great smells, good music,
and great moments of love with mydead grandparents. Just sharing a moment of
introspection here with you all and withmy grandparents. Hashtag Jewish Christmas cookies and
conversations with the dead. Benedict Cumberbatchis a beautiful freak. I realized I

(05:26):
could do with a little less introspection. But then I ask myself, why
is that I introspect my introspection.If you think Comcast is akin to too
cute kittens, stop reading. Butif you think they are often our deserving
of the four letter words I oftenfind coming to mind when my mind is

(05:46):
on Comcast, then you should readon Comcast is very bad. There is
a helpful little link to see whoin Congress supports Comcast. Fight for the
Future. I just posted that theComcast Time Warner merger is but that doesn't
mean you still can't think they stink. Hashtag fight the Future Comcast Cable Company
stinks. This is a six footpainting of over thirty seven cats. It

(06:13):
is on display temporarily, and thenyou bet I am going to get it
I'm not sure where in my littlecottage I would put it, but you
better believe it will be mine.I like the white cats the best.
I am taking the advice from thecurrent best selling feline author. Unexpectedly,
I emotionally and energetically and even cognitivelycrashed when I came home yesterday. I

(06:38):
think I've been holding a safe containerat work for the majority of my feelings,
the good ones and the bad ones. I have patients who have been
emoting about our current political fiasco.I store their bad feelings in my safe
too. It's not a real safe, but a metaphorical safe. I didn't
realize I'd been holding so much ofmy own emotional breath. Maybe if it

(06:59):
was a real safe, i'd haveseen how much emotional breath was filling it
up. Then I would have known. Last night, I exhaled into an
exhausting cry, but then next hailedsome more into a recovery bath, feeling
grateful for a safe, warm homeand empathetic friends and community. Hashtag safes
are spaces for emotions, which areour true valuables. Stop the Nigerian super

(07:25):
Highway. There is nothing super abouta highway, especially one that harms wild
gorillas. Ride to your congressman,donate to the Nature Conservancy. Hashtag nothing
super about a highway that harms gorillas. It is the fourth of July this
weekend. Fourth of July is isa great holiday unless you are an animal
or a Native American. Unfortunately,I can't do much this weekend to help

(07:49):
the Native Americans. But I can'thelp your animal friends. This weekend,
I am hosting the first annual AnimalAcupuncture Festival. Bring your pa, it's
over, and I will offer freeanimal acupuncture services for your pets. I
recommend you come early because I thinkthis is going to be very popular.

(08:11):
If I had a kitten for everykitten I wish I had, I would
have so many kittens hashtag I can'thave cats because of my mouse program.
What hello, Oh my god?But I have two mutual friends with her.

(08:35):
Seriously, Like one of them islike an acquaintance who I met once,
with the other one like I've knownsince I was like nineteen. Okay,
like, my god, I can'tI can't even see her list of
friends. Really really, I can'teven see it. Well, I can't

(08:58):
see her friend. But it saystwo mutual friends and it's my friend Darren,
and then this woman I briefly met. Okay, I'm messaging him right
now. That's crazy. Okay,So I don't want to get excited because
I've gotten excited before. But youcan only be excited once in your life,

(09:22):
Josh, Well no, but Imean I thought we had Karen years
ago, and now that seems dubious. So I don't want to like end
up like spending all our resources assumingthis is Ellen, just to be bamboozled
again. But let's just say,because it's adding up. If this is

(09:43):
her and she has been literally undermy nose this whole time, that's insane.
I'll work on fish, Ellen,if you'll work on crochet pants and
then okay, that's a great image. Oh my god, this is insane.

(10:07):
I know. Usually I'm all lovelight and miss happy happy in sunshine,
but this is seriously a hard day. I came back from a yoga
therapy appointment to find my car windowbroken and my laptop stolen from my vehicle,
right here on Capitol Hill, nextto the chapel. It's called the
Pine Box now, but it willalways be the chapel to me, even

(10:28):
if it's not the Chapel anymore.I don't have Renter's insurance to cover the
theft because Renter's insurance is a scam. The missing computer is a bummer and
cost over one thousand dollars. Idon't believe in karma. I don't believe
that God only gives you as muchas you can handle. I believe that
sometimes people are truly amazing, moreoften they are somewhat less than amazing,

(10:52):
and sometimes they're just plain old mean. This situation falls into that last category
that sometimes people are just plain oldme. Oh my god. So okay,
I'm looking at her profile. HuhSo I did you know where I
lived in Seattle? Now? Okay, do you remember I assumed Capital?

(11:13):
Yes? Because yes, you rememberthat bar that used to be a mortuary
called Chapel. Yeah, okay,I lived literally next door to that.
And I'm looking at a Facebook postfrom fish Ellen. I'm not kidding you.
You have to It's like twenty twelve. My car broke down in front

(11:37):
of the Chapel. I've been sittinghere for six hours waiting for a tow
truck. But she, she wastalking, She was right in front of
my house for six hours. CrazyAnd you didn't know it. She was
literally under your nose. And what'scrazy is Darren knows the Karen and Ellen

(12:03):
letters like he has been to wineparties. We've been reading these. Oh
crazy. Okay, let's call ita night, it's late, and we
we'll do research and reconvene in likea week. Yeah, okay, that's
good. Okay, good work.This is insane. Wow. Hey,

(12:26):
So I have a weird question foryou, and if you could keep it
between just the two of us,that would be awesome. So you're friends
with this woman named and I don'tknow if you remember the Karen and Ellen
letters, but I think she mightbe connected to them. And connected is

(12:50):
a mild understatement. How are youguys friends? And what do you know
about her? I met her onthis weird camping trip like a long time
ago, and she was taking picturesof me. I was pretty drugged out,
and I'm pretty sure that she wasalso. And since then I somehow

(13:11):
got on her mailing list and Ialways get these weird emails from her,
like about tree therapy and acupuncture andlegalizing marijuana. She even recommended some weird
electro therapy thing for my when Ibroke my foot last Christmas. I don't

(13:35):
actually talk to her talk to her, but she seems to always be around.
Should I get in touch with her? I am headed to my first
tree therapy session and I'm feeling overlyemotionally overwhelmed. I am surprised that I

(13:58):
am myself so weepy and juggling aroundso many emotions that are hard to name
and hard to find. What ifthis doesn't work? What if it doesn't
help me? These cognitive issues,which look like not being able to find
words, not being able to followa train to thought, not being able
to remember things, are the lastsignificant vestiges of last year's car accident.

(14:22):
I spent so much time in thehospital trying to find my words, but
also trying to find forgiveness. Ireally just want someone or a cat or
a friend to hug me awareness andthe form of life. I am Patricia,

(14:56):
and today I woke to the mantraif God is aware awareness and I
am aware, then through my awareness, I am partaking of the awareness of
my source, who is God,our Mother Earth. This supports the idea
of all creation mythology, even thatof Genesis, that the Creator gave beings

(15:18):
life through divine breath. That breathwas bestowed upon us from our mother Earth
through the mists of the ocean andthe howling of the sacred trees and exhalation
of the ground beneath our feet.The people who insist on monotheism are missing
some vital points on the nature ofGod. There is a oneness of God

(15:43):
if you realize that. It isthe awareness beyond the form of life which
grants collective conscious participation within life.Every living being is a part of that.
Myself, my husband, my dog, the trees in my backyard,
you, your family, your pets, that pesty squirrel that broke into your

(16:07):
attic ad Infinitive consciousness is the unitywithin the diversity of all life. God
has as many faces as there areliving gangs to conceive of God. My
Facebook friend and wind teacher Juna windRaven has discovered the creator gods in the

(16:32):
wind of our mother Earth throughout themany creation myths of the world. When
I woke up this morning with theabove mentioned phrase echoing throughout my mind,
I understood that we are all equallypartakers in the awareness that lives beyond the
form of the world. What weformed from that, or whether we ever

(16:56):
totally access that which lives beyond theform of the world depends on the questions
we ask or the experiences we seekfrom our lives. Happy Thanksgiving seekers.
For those of you interested in apet portrait to commemorate the end of this
year or the heavenly rebirth of ournative ancestry, you can use promo code

(17:21):
earth Mother when you email me yourpet portrait info. Just type earth Mother
at the end of your email.I have been getting many requests to do
portraits of your inner animals. Ican do these too. Unfortunately, these
require an in person conversation, asyou cannot convey your inner animal over email

(17:47):
or even the telephone. I'm lookingfor someone who wants to drive a car
from Scottsdale, Arizona, up toSeattle or Portland this week or next week.
If you know someone who wants someWest Coast travel, are you going
to see your mother? I wouldlove to fly out for a fun,
little girl's bonding trip. Hi everyone, I'm still looking for a road companion

(18:12):
down to Scottsdale. Oh, Ellen, I would love to join you.
Do you not see my earlier message, Ellen? Did you not see my
comments? Did I post them?Correctly. I can see them, can
you? Hi? Everyone? Nevermind, I'll be going with my friend

(18:33):
Nita Ellen. I'm so glad youfound someone to go with you. It
probably would not have worked out forme because I am going to do a
crystal harvest. Have a special timereconnecting to the desert Earth and your mother.
I really love being near the beach. I just wish there wasn't so

(18:57):
much. Sand gets in your yourhair and your feet, and then in
your mouth, and you try torinse it off, but you step back
into the dry sand that you weretrying to rinse off in the first place,
and you have to start all overagain. Who has time to rinse
all day? But I do likedolphins, boats in my TIESI food,

(19:41):
I fine out of side MOSSI I'vecompany in this fine so they knsday dream

(20:06):
me her to me up
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