February 12, 2024 • 25 mins
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Here is the link to everything that you need. https://theorganisedmum.com/quick-links/ If you have a question that you would like answered on the show please email contact@theorganisedmum.com
Listen to the TOM Rocks Guided sessions via The Organised Mum app. We’ll start you off with a 7 day free trial 🎉
TOM Rocks guided sessions are available via an in app subscription on The Organised Mum cleaning app.
Or listen via Patreon 📱 If you don't need the cleaning app and just want the guided sessions then head to Patreon and search for The Organised Mum (please note that you are not able to save your faves or play your own music with this option)
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
Hello, and welcome back to anotherepisode of The Organized Mom Show. I'm
your host, Gemma, and I'mhere to hold your hand through all of
the life admin the housework, thework work, self care, to do
lists, relationships, and everything else, the one hundred and one things that
you might be trying to fit intoyour day to day. So, without
(00:26):
further ado, let's dive into today'stopic. Hello you, beautiful lot Happy.
Valanchine's Week if you like, watto talk about what's valent Shine's Week?
Every year around about this week inFebruary, around about Valentine's Day,
I like to put out a week'sworth of content to help you sort of
(00:47):
give your home a little bit ofTLC. Maybe fall back in love with
your home again. Maybe your househas been giving you the year. Can
you put it on the backburner fora little bit, so we kind of
have a little bit of a motivationalweek, just to have a little bit
of a reset because this time yearsa bit. I mean, it's my
birthday. It's my birthday at theend of this week, going to be
twenty two, going to be fortythree. Don't anybody, it's just between
(01:07):
you and me. So if youcan hear squeals or snorls. In the
background of squeals, he's not squealhe's snoring and sort of going like puppy
puppy dreaming noises. It is rocky. And so we have a week's worth
of content just to motivate you,because February can just feel a bit oh
(01:29):
my god, when is its spring? Christmas seems like a long distant memory,
and we're just sort of waiting forthose warmer days to start coming back.
But what I wanted to talk toyou today about is along the Valanchine's
theme, what is it that mostcouples argue about? In my anecdotal experience,
(01:49):
it's either money or the housework orcleaning. And I was scanning through
the Organized Mom Facebook group the otherday. I don't normally comment because sometimes
it feel like it feels like I'myou know, like when you're at school
and the head teacher walked in atbreak time and everyone no one felt like
they could relax. So I kindof want that Facebook group to be a
(02:12):
place where you can all go andlike talk to each other without me sort
of breathing down your neck kind ofthing. But I like to go in
from time to time just to seehow you all are. And I saw
a post that I wanted to talkabout in this episode because it really hits
the mark I think when it comesto how housework can be one of those
things that whilst we know there's moreto life than it, there's more to
(02:37):
life and housework it needs to getdone. And we're all different, We've
all got different levels of tolerance whenit comes to tidiness and cleanliness and that
sort of thing. And if youfind that you are living with someone,
it might not be even be yourromantic partner. Maybe it's just that you
know you're sharing a house and you'resharing a living space with someone who's tolerance
(02:59):
of tidiness orliness is different to yours, where maybe you're the messy one or
maybe they're the messy one. Itcan be really, really difficult. And
when I talk to people about this, it's a lot easier. And you're
like, you're telling me in hindsight, Jim, But I mean, I'm
not saying this is not a reason, this is a reason not to be
with anyone. I'm not saying thisat all, obviously, because there's multiple
(03:22):
life and house it, right,but life is so much easier when you
both have the same tolerance to tidy. I mean it really is. I
have got quite high standards that willbecome no surprise to you. Mike has
high standards, but not as highas mine. Like he would be able
to potentially walk through a kitchen thatneeded tidying up and sort of go,
(03:46):
I'll do that later, whereas I'dbe like, oh my god, that's
going to play in my mind.I need to do it right now.
So it's a lot easier to besharing a living with space when you both
sort of like concur on the cleanlinesstolerance kind of thing. But one member
of Team Tom really sort of hitthe Facebook group with some real talk and
I'm not going to mention her name, but but she was she wanted some
(04:06):
advice. Essentially, she was reallybusy juggling a full time job raising kids.
And that's another thing that comes intoplay. Like everyone's different. So
you might have one child that's minimalistand like really takes pride in their bedroom,
and then like you got another childthat just cannot see it. I
(04:29):
am in this situation myself, sofull time job, raising kids, trying
to keep your home like trying tokeep the home from looking like the before
photo in a cleaning advert. Andwe're not talking about aiming for Instagram perfection
here, but this member of TeamTom just wanted to feel like she was
(04:49):
in living in a house that wasorderly and organized. Lived in, yes,
but that didn't feel like it wasrunning away with her and she was
like always catching up, and shewas in the situation where she was thinking,
oh, my goodness, my standardsare tidiness seem to be higher than
(05:12):
these people that I'm living with.And when she was talking to her husband
about it, he said, maybeit was her high standards that were causing
the stress and not necessarily they're makingthe mess of Like, oh my goodness.
This is the nitty gritty of somany arguments, isn't it, Especially
(05:34):
if you're living with someone who justcan't see They can't see it. So
you're left with two choices, aren'tyou. You're at a crossroads. Really.
You can either do all of thecleaning yourself, because maybe you recognize
that personally you have higher standards thaneveryone else, which is fine as long
(05:56):
as they're not being truly lazy.I want to stick a pin in that
bit, so you can either doaccept the fact that your cleaning standards are
higher. You feel more relaxed ifa house is a certain way, and
that in order for you to feelrelaxed, you might have to put a
little bit of extra effort in.Is it their job? Is it their
job? Is it their responsibility togo that extra mile to clean? Some
(06:23):
might say yes, if you're ina loving, respectful relationship, you've already
spoken about this and your partner doesn'twant to do something that stresses you out
your partner. That I heard RizoriaBeckham say once right, quite unlikely source
of wisdom, but this is yearsago, in the nineties. I think
it was just before she married DavidBeckham, and she was like, I
think when you marry someone, orwhen you commit to a long term relationship
(06:46):
with someone, that they are thereas an addition to your life to make
it better, to improve it.And it really stuck with me for years.
It's never left me. So ifyou are in a loving, committed
relationship, you know, you mightrecognize that you're the messier one and like
(07:06):
you're just going to go that littlebit of an extra mile. I mean,
it's Valentine's Week, for goodness,sake, you might go a little
bit of an extra mile and doa little bit of tidying and a little
bit of clinging just to keep theother person's stress levels at bay. And
maybe you're going through this at themoment, so do you suck it up
and do it yourself? And thenmaybe that means you're bringing in resentment or
(07:28):
becoming a family nag. I mean, who wants to be that. It's
not like the title everyone's vying for, is it? Or do you lower
your standards? Oh my goodness,like this is impossible. I would never
be able to do this. Ifsomeone said to me, you know,
you're never going to bring the othersup to speed, jem, you just
lower your standards, I would bein the Oh. I'm just going to
(07:49):
go the extra mile because it meansso much to me and my mental health
is better and I can concentrate better, and I'm more creative, and I'm
a nicer person to be around ifmy house is clean and tidy, And
maybe that's on me, So I'llgo the extra mile. But obviously everybody
is different, so we need toget to the nitty gritty for this.
(08:13):
Everybody sort of just like pitched inwith their advice. Now, obviously everyone's
going to be different. This isn'trelationship advice. Okay, You've not just
accidentally stumbled into an off relay office. Okay, but this is just a
general chit chair and I'd love toknow what you think in the Facebook group
as well. Is there though asweet spot? Finding that balance where everybody
(08:39):
is happy? So the people thatare less clean than you don't feel like
they're living under this the glare andspotlight of always having to be clean they
live, don't feel like they're livingwith Monica. But also where the person
who is important to them that theyhave a clean and tidy home also feels
understood and scene. So I thinkit's definitely about striking that sweet spot.
(09:05):
And it was so lovely and thisis why we're like the organized one community
because the responses were like a big, warm hug, like someone has sat
you down, given a nice cupof sweet tea and a gentle nudge in
the right direction. So lots ofpeople said, it's about picking your battles,
like maybe let the teenager's rooms goa little bit as long as it's
not unsanitary. Rocky is making anoise now, I was waking up.
(09:26):
As long as it's not unsanitary,obviously we'll draw the line at that.
But and I've had to do thisa little bit as well. Shut the
door. It's not my room,it's not my space, especially if you
have got kids who are sort ofreaching that age like teenageyears, where they're
finding their own sense sensor style.And I know it's so difficult, it's
so easy said than done for meto be sat in my office behind a
(09:48):
microphone. But I'm going through ittoo. Okay, I'm going through to
let the rooms that belonged to theolder teens be. It's not your space,
it is. You own the house. You pay them more, you
pay the rent. But do youknow what I mean? Other people said
that maybe it isn't necessarily about everyonein the house meeting your standards if you're
(10:11):
the tidier one, but about findinga happy medium where the house doesn't look
like a disaster's own. But also, no one's walking around on eggshells.
We say all the time, don'twe it's housework masks. The more people
they are in your home, themore mess there is going to be.
And also there is a massive differencebetween dirty and tidy. So if your
(10:31):
home is just like a little bituntidy doesn't necessarily mean it's dirty. If
your home is your home could bereally tidy, like everything's put away,
but it's dirty. So I'm hoping, like all of us are sort of
hoping for that, you know,medium balance point where it's tidy and organized
and also clean, not I caneat my dinner off the kitchen floor clean,
(10:56):
because there's no such lingers are perfectlyclean home, but just some where
where people can live and relax,because I'm guessing you want your home to
have a homely atmosphere, right,So what started emerging from the discussion in
the Facebook group was a chorus ofvoices that we're saying it's about compromise and
(11:18):
communication, having a sit down anddeciding together as a family, talking about
it what clean means to you andyour family. Because clean in adverting commers
or tidy inadverted comments means very differentthings to very different people. We already
know that, right, We've alreadyspoken about it, and in this episode,
people have different levels of tolerances.So if you sit down and actually
(11:39):
talk about it, it might bea little bit of a revelation you know,
oh my revelation, Oh my god, good, I didn't know.
I didn't know that that was whatannoyed you about walking into a dirty kitchen,
Like, I didn't know that whenyou're coming home to prep dinner.
So so who if someone's prepping dinnerand they walk in and the kitchen is
a mess, so before they caneven start prepping dinner, they got clean
(12:00):
the kitchen. All of a sudden, you resent levels rise and you're in
a bad mood. But if yousay, look, the reason why I
get annoyed and short tempered is becauseI've essentially been added another job to my
list before I can do the jobthat I went in there to do.
And that might not have been onsomeone else's radar. I mean, obviously
(12:22):
it could be, and they couldjust be lazy, but I think very
few people are genuinely lazy. Butit's having a conversation involving everyone in what
it means to them, why it'simportant to you, why it's important to
them. How does that make itfeel? You know, and you have
to do this when everyone's in agood mood. You cannot do it in
(12:43):
the middle of a passive aggressive cleaningrant. You can't do it. You
have to wait until everyone is calmand then and then you can form a
plan, and not a perfect plan, doesn't have to be perfect, but
a plan is better than no plan. To involve everyone in the cleaning process.
And it's just going to help tolighten the load a bit, a
(13:05):
little bit. And now if you'vebeen here for any length of time,
you'll know what I'm going to say. Get the free print outs from the
organizedmum dot com. They are free, will send them straight to your email.
Put them on the fridge. Ittakes away this whole I hate it.
I hate it when I have tosay and I can, I can.
I hate it when the words comeout my mouth. I just want
(13:26):
to erase them immediately. Can youhelp me with the housework? It's not
my job? Well, it ismy job as in I talk about housework
all the time, but it's notmy sole job in my home. Other
people live in my house too,So it takes that whole conversation out and
it puts it on the fridge.It's there in black and white, that
is the stuff that we need todo. It's facts, and then you
(13:48):
can split it up and somewise teamThomas suggesting splitting chores based on what each
person hates the least and trading offtasks so everyone's doing a little bit.
So for example, Min likes ironing. I don't know. I don't understand
that either. Mike likes ironing,so like back in the day when he
was like working in London five daysa week, he would iron his own
(14:09):
shirts because I can't stand it.So if you know someone might like doing
the washing up, they might findit quite meditative. Someone else might like
vacuuming. My dad loves vacuuming.He does the vacuuming for my mum and
dad in their house. So evensomething as simple as that, working out
who likes doing what, who doesn'tlike doing what, and all of a
(14:30):
sudden you might have been like,oh my goodness, right, okay,
and for the love of things tidy, and there I go again. Easier
said than done. If you agreethat someone else is in charge of doing
that job or that chore, donot critique their technique. I know,
(14:50):
sometimes you just have to tap,take a deep breath, walk quist,
especially if it's the kids. Butat least they're doing it, at least
it's getting done right, So Thereis no perfect answer to this. The
only other thing that you could possiblysay is if we all do this as
(15:11):
a team, and if we areall tolerant of the varying levels of tidy
and cleanliness tolerance that we all haveas individual human beings. If we do
this as a team, we're goingto be happier people. The house is
going to be nicer, and ifit's falling to you most of the time
to get it clean, you're goingto have more time to do the fun
stuff with them, quality time.And that's a good thing, isn't it.
(15:39):
But we do not live in aperfect world. Living with family often
means navigating like a minefield of differenthabits and preferences. So it is in
an ideal world finding that balance andsetting realistic expectations and sort of keeping in
the back of your mind at theend of the day, happy, healthy
(16:00):
family can be worth a little bitof mess. But there will be some
of you listening to this right now. They've said this. You're saying it
now. I can hear you sayingit. I've done all this, Shema,
I have done all of this,and nobody is listening to me.
(16:22):
To you, I would say thisthere is a chapter in my book.
I think it's in the first one. No it isn't, it's in the
second one, and I'm going toread it. I'm going to read it
to you now, So let mejust grab it from my bookshelf on the
second book that I wrote, TheOrganized Time Technique, and there was a
bit there's a large chunk in thereabout how what to do essentially if you
(16:47):
feel like you're stuck in domestic drudgeryand you it's all falling on you and
you're feeling resentful. Because we werespeaking about this in the book in the
terms of context of people getting sofed up that they were like, right,
I'm not doing any I'm going onhouseworks strike. And let me tell
you never ends well. It neverends well because if people can't see the
(17:08):
amount that you're doing whilst you're doingit, that it takes you stopping it
completely, they're probably not going tosee it whilst she stopped. And we
had people chipping in saying it failedmiserably. I ended up having a mountin
of cleaning to do, which wasa total long goal. I went on
strike for four weeks and it killedme. Eventually, no one helps and
I just had to get on withit, but shouted about it the entire
(17:30):
time I went on strike years ago. This person said it made a point
at the time, and they weregood for a couple of weeks, but
it didn't last. And finally itdoesn't work. It just got on everyone
else's nerves. I think anything passiveaggressive like that should be avoided. It's
also really easy to get bogged downwith your own viewpoint and that story that
(17:51):
we play in our heads. Soit's all about communication. So for people
who were desperate, I left thisin the book, and they try leaving
this page lying open, not sosubtly for your other half to read,
or just give it them, justlike give it them. So this is
what I would say on your behalf, Okay, because I love you.
(18:12):
This is Fallensheine's week and I wantto help. Okay, So I think
your other half would like to workwith you on something. I can just
see, like can you imagine allthe eye rolls, like who is this
woman? I think your other halfwould like to work with you on something.
It's important to them that you readthis small section of the book.
(18:33):
Don't worry, I will keep itbrief. There is a very good chance
that your other half feels as thoughthey are doing more than their fair share
of the boring domestic stuff. Maybethey've spoken to you about it before,
or maybe the two of you haveargued about it on more than one occasion.
Your partner bought this book so thatthey could try to manage their time
(18:55):
better. They want to try toget off the hamster wheel of life where
they get up work, do thetrue go to sleep, get up work.
You know, you get the picture. So I've written a whole book
to help them to achieve this,But they can't do it without you working
with them as a team. Whenthey talked to you about it. Please
be open minded. This could bethe start of some really positive changes for
(19:15):
the pair of you, both individuallyand as a partnership. The aim of
this book is to give you bothback some much needed relaxation time that is
guilt free, So please give ita go. It could be the start
of something amazing. Now, obviouslyyou might not have this book, but
if you are in a situation whereyou're like Gemma, look, I have
(19:37):
spoken about this till I feel likeI just I'm so I'm done. I'm
done with it. If you haven'ttried this, then give this a go.
You know, like when people areyou head of competitive tiredness is this
is particularly like prevalent when you justhad a baby, maybe you've gone back
(20:00):
to work after parental leave, you'reboth working, or maybe one of you's
at home, and then at theend of the day you have that,
well I did this, and it'slike you're in this competition to prove who's
more tired than who, like whoshould do the dishes? Because I've had
a really bad day, Well sohave I? I did this or I
was in meetings all day. Oh, it's sorry for you. At least
you managed to go too. You'vebeen there. That's not going to help
(20:22):
anyone. So again, wait untilyou're calm, you're both calm and open
to conversation, and write down exactlywhat you're doing on the average day.
You got to be honest. Can'tbe adding stuff in because it could be
that you have no idea how muchthey're doing. They might have no idea
how much you're doing, and thatcan have like once there is facts there
(20:45):
again put out and everyone can justsee what's actually going on and the lay
of the land. It's going tohelp to open up that conversation rather than
keeping it all in your own brain, assuming you know things when you might
only have half of the information,and assuming that you have this lovely conversation,
hopefully have a conversation someone has alight bulb moment, or maybe both
(21:08):
of you have a light bulb moment, or maybe your whole family has a
light bulb moment, and then it'sjust better. It's all work better from
then on. But sometimes that mightnot always be the case. And sometimes
you can just talk about this stuffforever and ever and ever and there is
(21:29):
just absolutely no change whatsoever. Andthen it comes down to respect, doesn't
it. You've been open and honest, You've put a reasonable request forward to
try and make sure the housework isequal and everything's fair, and everyone's doing
(21:52):
an equal load of work of labor, whether that's working outside the house,
working inside the home, you know, all that sort of thing. And
if it's if you're still met witha brick wall, then maybe it's a
more of a problem of lack ofrespect, which is just horrible, really,
(22:12):
it's horrible, and it's hate.I hate to talk about this topic
because in a way, it's reallydepressing because sometimes no matter how hard you
try, or how reasonable you are, or how much you talk about it,
some things never change. So ifyou have spoken to your partner,
(22:33):
or your kids or the person thatyou share a house with, and you
know you've been reasonable, and youknow given facts and backed up reason why
you feel this way, and somethings still haven't changed and you are still
doing the bulk of the housework,then maybe it's a slightly different problem in
(22:56):
as much as there is a lackof respect there. And I'm not calling
a dodgy about that, but Idon't want to leave you on a depressing
note. You know, this isValenshein's week. If you want a little
bit of company to do the housework, or maybe you live alone and you're
like, oh, I just wish, I just wish I feel like someone
was doing the housework with me.That's what the Facebook group's there for.
(23:18):
That's why it exists. It's likeyour little breakout area in the Internet,
just to go and have a chat, have a little bit of a moan.
If you want to unload. Youcan post anonymously on there if you
want to as well. No oneknows it's you. It says a non
post. Right, just have alittle bit of event. You can share
hints and tips. You know what'sworked for you, what was the light
(23:41):
bulb moment for you and your family? And if you want me to keep
your company whilst you're doing the houseworkthere. I am always in your phone,
remember whether it's on Instagram, TikTok, here, in this podcast or
if you subscribe to the Tom RocksGuided Sessions. I am ready and waiting
at all hours of the day.Do a bit of cleaning with you if
(24:02):
you need it. Listen. Ihope wherever you are in the world,
you're happy, healthy and well.It's slightly longer episode than normal today.
All right, that's a wrap fortoday's episode of The Organized Mum Show.
I hope you enjoyed it. It'sbeen an absolute pleasure chatting with you.
Before you go, Please don't forgetto hit that subscribe button. Say you
never miss out on all the tipsand conversations. And if you want to
send me a quick email with yourthoughts or even topics that you'd like me
(24:23):
to cover in the future, thenyour wish is my command within reason and
if you would like yours truly totalk you through a guided cleaning, cooking,
or admin session. Then be sureto check out the guided sessions or
the info you need for that willbe in the podcast notes. So until
next time, keep rocking it andremember you're doing an amazing job and don't
(24:47):
forget to charge your headphones for thenext episode. Bye.
Hello, and welcome back to anotherepisode of The Organized Mom Show. I'm
your host, Gemma, and I'mhere to hold your hand through all of
the life admin the housework, thework work, self care, to do
lists, relationships, and everything else, the one hundred and one things that
you might be trying to fit intoyour day to day. So, without
(00:26):
further ado, let's dive into today'stopic. Hello you, beautiful lot Happy.
Valanchine's Week if you like, watto talk about what's valent Shine's Week?
Every year around about this week inFebruary, around about Valentine's Day,
I like to put out a week'sworth of content to help you sort of
(00:47):
give your home a little bit ofTLC. Maybe fall back in love with
your home again. Maybe your househas been giving you the year. Can
you put it on the backburner fora little bit, so we kind of
have a little bit of a motivationalweek, just to have a little bit
of a reset because this time yearsa bit. I mean, it's my
birthday. It's my birthday at theend of this week, going to be
twenty two, going to be fortythree. Don't anybody, it's just between
(01:07):
you and me. So if youcan hear squeals or snorls. In the
background of squeals, he's not squealhe's snoring and sort of going like puppy
puppy dreaming noises. It is rocky. And so we have a week's worth
of content just to motivate you,because February can just feel a bit oh
(01:29):
my god, when is its spring? Christmas seems like a long distant memory,
and we're just sort of waiting forthose warmer days to start coming back.
But what I wanted to talk toyou today about is along the Valanchine's
theme, what is it that mostcouples argue about? In my anecdotal experience,
(01:49):
it's either money or the housework orcleaning. And I was scanning through
the Organized Mom Facebook group the otherday. I don't normally comment because sometimes
it feel like it feels like I'myou know, like when you're at school
and the head teacher walked in atbreak time and everyone no one felt like
they could relax. So I kindof want that Facebook group to be a
(02:12):
place where you can all go andlike talk to each other without me sort
of breathing down your neck kind ofthing. But I like to go in
from time to time just to seehow you all are. And I saw
a post that I wanted to talkabout in this episode because it really hits
the mark I think when it comesto how housework can be one of those
things that whilst we know there's moreto life than it, there's more to
(02:37):
life and housework it needs to getdone. And we're all different, We've
all got different levels of tolerance whenit comes to tidiness and cleanliness and that
sort of thing. And if youfind that you are living with someone,
it might not be even be yourromantic partner. Maybe it's just that you
know you're sharing a house and you'resharing a living space with someone who's tolerance
(02:59):
of tidiness orliness is different to yours, where maybe you're the messy one or
maybe they're the messy one. Itcan be really, really difficult. And
when I talk to people about this, it's a lot easier. And you're
like, you're telling me in hindsight, Jim, But I mean, I'm
not saying this is not a reason, this is a reason not to be
with anyone. I'm not saying thisat all, obviously, because there's multiple
(03:22):
life and house it, right,but life is so much easier when you
both have the same tolerance to tidy. I mean it really is. I
have got quite high standards that willbecome no surprise to you. Mike has
high standards, but not as highas mine. Like he would be able
to potentially walk through a kitchen thatneeded tidying up and sort of go,
(03:46):
I'll do that later, whereas I'dbe like, oh my god, that's
going to play in my mind.I need to do it right now.
So it's a lot easier to besharing a living with space when you both
sort of like concur on the cleanlinesstolerance kind of thing. But one member
of Team Tom really sort of hitthe Facebook group with some real talk and
I'm not going to mention her name, but but she was she wanted some
(04:06):
advice. Essentially, she was reallybusy juggling a full time job raising kids.
And that's another thing that comes intoplay. Like everyone's different. So
you might have one child that's minimalistand like really takes pride in their bedroom,
and then like you got another childthat just cannot see it. I
(04:29):
am in this situation myself, sofull time job, raising kids, trying
to keep your home like trying tokeep the home from looking like the before
photo in a cleaning advert. Andwe're not talking about aiming for Instagram perfection
here, but this member of TeamTom just wanted to feel like she was
(04:49):
in living in a house that wasorderly and organized. Lived in, yes,
but that didn't feel like it wasrunning away with her and she was
like always catching up, and shewas in the situation where she was thinking,
oh, my goodness, my standardsare tidiness seem to be higher than
(05:12):
these people that I'm living with.And when she was talking to her husband
about it, he said, maybeit was her high standards that were causing
the stress and not necessarily they're makingthe mess of Like, oh my goodness.
This is the nitty gritty of somany arguments, isn't it, Especially
(05:34):
if you're living with someone who justcan't see They can't see it. So
you're left with two choices, aren'tyou. You're at a crossroads. Really.
You can either do all of thecleaning yourself, because maybe you recognize
that personally you have higher standards thaneveryone else, which is fine as long
(05:56):
as they're not being truly lazy.I want to stick a pin in that
bit, so you can either doaccept the fact that your cleaning standards are
higher. You feel more relaxed ifa house is a certain way, and
that in order for you to feelrelaxed, you might have to put a
little bit of extra effort in.Is it their job? Is it their
job? Is it their responsibility togo that extra mile to clean? Some
(06:23):
might say yes, if you're ina loving, respectful relationship, you've already
spoken about this and your partner doesn'twant to do something that stresses you out
your partner. That I heard RizoriaBeckham say once right, quite unlikely source
of wisdom, but this is yearsago, in the nineties. I think
it was just before she married DavidBeckham, and she was like, I
think when you marry someone, orwhen you commit to a long term relationship
(06:46):
with someone, that they are thereas an addition to your life to make
it better, to improve it.And it really stuck with me for years.
It's never left me. So ifyou are in a loving, committed
relationship, you know, you mightrecognize that you're the messier one and like
(07:06):
you're just going to go that littlebit of an extra mile. I mean,
it's Valentine's Week, for goodness,sake, you might go a little
bit of an extra mile and doa little bit of tidying and a little
bit of clinging just to keep theother person's stress levels at bay. And
maybe you're going through this at themoment, so do you suck it up
and do it yourself? And thenmaybe that means you're bringing in resentment or
(07:28):
becoming a family nag. I mean, who wants to be that. It's
not like the title everyone's vying for, is it? Or do you lower
your standards? Oh my goodness,like this is impossible. I would never
be able to do this. Ifsomeone said to me, you know,
you're never going to bring the othersup to speed, jem, you just
lower your standards, I would bein the Oh. I'm just going to
(07:49):
go the extra mile because it meansso much to me and my mental health
is better and I can concentrate better, and I'm more creative, and I'm
a nicer person to be around ifmy house is clean and tidy, And
maybe that's on me, So I'llgo the extra mile. But obviously everybody
is different, so we need toget to the nitty gritty for this.
(08:13):
Everybody sort of just like pitched inwith their advice. Now, obviously everyone's
going to be different. This isn'trelationship advice. Okay, You've not just
accidentally stumbled into an off relay office. Okay, but this is just a
general chit chair and I'd love toknow what you think in the Facebook group
as well. Is there though asweet spot? Finding that balance where everybody
(08:39):
is happy? So the people thatare less clean than you don't feel like
they're living under this the glare andspotlight of always having to be clean they
live, don't feel like they're livingwith Monica. But also where the person
who is important to them that theyhave a clean and tidy home also feels
understood and scene. So I thinkit's definitely about striking that sweet spot.
(09:05):
And it was so lovely and thisis why we're like the organized one community
because the responses were like a big, warm hug, like someone has sat
you down, given a nice cupof sweet tea and a gentle nudge in
the right direction. So lots ofpeople said, it's about picking your battles,
like maybe let the teenager's rooms goa little bit as long as it's
not unsanitary. Rocky is making anoise now, I was waking up.
(09:26):
As long as it's not unsanitary,obviously we'll draw the line at that.
But and I've had to do thisa little bit as well. Shut the
door. It's not my room,it's not my space, especially if you
have got kids who are sort ofreaching that age like teenageyears, where they're
finding their own sense sensor style.And I know it's so difficult, it's
so easy said than done for meto be sat in my office behind a
(09:48):
microphone. But I'm going through ittoo. Okay, I'm going through to
let the rooms that belonged to theolder teens be. It's not your space,
it is. You own the house. You pay them more, you
pay the rent. But do youknow what I mean? Other people said
that maybe it isn't necessarily about everyonein the house meeting your standards if you're
(10:11):
the tidier one, but about findinga happy medium where the house doesn't look
like a disaster's own. But also, no one's walking around on eggshells.
We say all the time, don'twe it's housework masks. The more people
they are in your home, themore mess there is going to be.
And also there is a massive differencebetween dirty and tidy. So if your
(10:31):
home is just like a little bituntidy doesn't necessarily mean it's dirty. If
your home is your home could bereally tidy, like everything's put away,
but it's dirty. So I'm hoping, like all of us are sort of
hoping for that, you know,medium balance point where it's tidy and organized
and also clean, not I caneat my dinner off the kitchen floor clean,
(10:56):
because there's no such lingers are perfectlyclean home, but just some where
where people can live and relax,because I'm guessing you want your home to
have a homely atmosphere, right,So what started emerging from the discussion in
the Facebook group was a chorus ofvoices that we're saying it's about compromise and
(11:18):
communication, having a sit down anddeciding together as a family, talking about
it what clean means to you andyour family. Because clean in adverting commers
or tidy inadverted comments means very differentthings to very different people. We already
know that, right, We've alreadyspoken about it, and in this episode,
people have different levels of tolerances.So if you sit down and actually
(11:39):
talk about it, it might bea little bit of a revelation you know,
oh my revelation, Oh my god, good, I didn't know.
I didn't know that that was whatannoyed you about walking into a dirty kitchen,
Like, I didn't know that whenyou're coming home to prep dinner.
So so who if someone's prepping dinnerand they walk in and the kitchen is
a mess, so before they caneven start prepping dinner, they got clean
(12:00):
the kitchen. All of a sudden, you resent levels rise and you're in
a bad mood. But if yousay, look, the reason why I
get annoyed and short tempered is becauseI've essentially been added another job to my
list before I can do the jobthat I went in there to do.
And that might not have been onsomeone else's radar. I mean, obviously
(12:22):
it could be, and they couldjust be lazy, but I think very
few people are genuinely lazy. Butit's having a conversation involving everyone in what
it means to them, why it'simportant to you, why it's important to
them. How does that make itfeel? You know, and you have
to do this when everyone's in agood mood. You cannot do it in
(12:43):
the middle of a passive aggressive cleaningrant. You can't do it. You
have to wait until everyone is calmand then and then you can form a
plan, and not a perfect plan, doesn't have to be perfect, but
a plan is better than no plan. To involve everyone in the cleaning process.
And it's just going to help tolighten the load a bit, a
(13:05):
little bit. And now if you'vebeen here for any length of time,
you'll know what I'm going to say. Get the free print outs from the
organizedmum dot com. They are free, will send them straight to your email.
Put them on the fridge. Ittakes away this whole I hate it.
I hate it when I have tosay and I can, I can.
I hate it when the words comeout my mouth. I just want
(13:26):
to erase them immediately. Can youhelp me with the housework? It's not
my job? Well, it ismy job as in I talk about housework
all the time, but it's notmy sole job in my home. Other
people live in my house too,So it takes that whole conversation out and
it puts it on the fridge.It's there in black and white, that
is the stuff that we need todo. It's facts, and then you
(13:48):
can split it up and somewise teamThomas suggesting splitting chores based on what each
person hates the least and trading offtasks so everyone's doing a little bit.
So for example, Min likes ironing. I don't know. I don't understand
that either. Mike likes ironing,so like back in the day when he
was like working in London five daysa week, he would iron his own
(14:09):
shirts because I can't stand it.So if you know someone might like doing
the washing up, they might findit quite meditative. Someone else might like
vacuuming. My dad loves vacuuming.He does the vacuuming for my mum and
dad in their house. So evensomething as simple as that, working out
who likes doing what, who doesn'tlike doing what, and all of a
(14:30):
sudden you might have been like,oh my goodness, right, okay,
and for the love of things tidy, and there I go again. Easier
said than done. If you agreethat someone else is in charge of doing
that job or that chore, donot critique their technique. I know,
(14:50):
sometimes you just have to tap,take a deep breath, walk quist,
especially if it's the kids. Butat least they're doing it, at least
it's getting done right, So Thereis no perfect answer to this. The
only other thing that you could possiblysay is if we all do this as
(15:11):
a team, and if we areall tolerant of the varying levels of tidy
and cleanliness tolerance that we all haveas individual human beings. If we do
this as a team, we're goingto be happier people. The house is
going to be nicer, and ifit's falling to you most of the time
to get it clean, you're goingto have more time to do the fun
stuff with them, quality time.And that's a good thing, isn't it.
(15:39):
But we do not live in aperfect world. Living with family often
means navigating like a minefield of differenthabits and preferences. So it is in
an ideal world finding that balance andsetting realistic expectations and sort of keeping in
the back of your mind at theend of the day, happy, healthy
(16:00):
family can be worth a little bitof mess. But there will be some
of you listening to this right now. They've said this. You're saying it
now. I can hear you sayingit. I've done all this, Shema,
I have done all of this,and nobody is listening to me.
(16:22):
To you, I would say thisthere is a chapter in my book.
I think it's in the first one. No it isn't, it's in the
second one, and I'm going toread it. I'm going to read it
to you now, So let mejust grab it from my bookshelf on the
second book that I wrote, TheOrganized Time Technique, and there was a
bit there's a large chunk in thereabout how what to do essentially if you
(16:47):
feel like you're stuck in domestic drudgeryand you it's all falling on you and
you're feeling resentful. Because we werespeaking about this in the book in the
terms of context of people getting sofed up that they were like, right,
I'm not doing any I'm going onhouseworks strike. And let me tell
you never ends well. It neverends well because if people can't see the
(17:08):
amount that you're doing whilst you're doingit, that it takes you stopping it
completely, they're probably not going tosee it whilst she stopped. And we
had people chipping in saying it failedmiserably. I ended up having a mountin
of cleaning to do, which wasa total long goal. I went on
strike for four weeks and it killedme. Eventually, no one helps and
I just had to get on withit, but shouted about it the entire
(17:30):
time I went on strike years ago. This person said it made a point
at the time, and they weregood for a couple of weeks, but
it didn't last. And finally itdoesn't work. It just got on everyone
else's nerves. I think anything passiveaggressive like that should be avoided. It's
also really easy to get bogged downwith your own viewpoint and that story that
(17:51):
we play in our heads. Soit's all about communication. So for people
who were desperate, I left thisin the book, and they try leaving
this page lying open, not sosubtly for your other half to read,
or just give it them, justlike give it them. So this is
what I would say on your behalf, Okay, because I love you.
(18:12):
This is Fallensheine's week and I wantto help. Okay, So I think
your other half would like to workwith you on something. I can just
see, like can you imagine allthe eye rolls, like who is this
woman? I think your other halfwould like to work with you on something.
It's important to them that you readthis small section of the book.
(18:33):
Don't worry, I will keep itbrief. There is a very good chance
that your other half feels as thoughthey are doing more than their fair share
of the boring domestic stuff. Maybethey've spoken to you about it before,
or maybe the two of you haveargued about it on more than one occasion.
Your partner bought this book so thatthey could try to manage their time
(18:55):
better. They want to try toget off the hamster wheel of life where
they get up work, do thetrue go to sleep, get up work.
You know, you get the picture. So I've written a whole book
to help them to achieve this,But they can't do it without you working
with them as a team. Whenthey talked to you about it. Please
be open minded. This could bethe start of some really positive changes for
(19:15):
the pair of you, both individuallyand as a partnership. The aim of
this book is to give you bothback some much needed relaxation time that is
guilt free, So please give ita go. It could be the start
of something amazing. Now, obviouslyyou might not have this book, but
if you are in a situation whereyou're like Gemma, look, I have
(19:37):
spoken about this till I feel likeI just I'm so I'm done. I'm
done with it. If you haven'ttried this, then give this a go.
You know, like when people areyou head of competitive tiredness is this
is particularly like prevalent when you justhad a baby, maybe you've gone back
(20:00):
to work after parental leave, you'reboth working, or maybe one of you's
at home, and then at theend of the day you have that,
well I did this, and it'slike you're in this competition to prove who's
more tired than who, like whoshould do the dishes? Because I've had
a really bad day, Well sohave I? I did this or I
was in meetings all day. Oh, it's sorry for you. At least
you managed to go too. You'vebeen there. That's not going to help
(20:22):
anyone. So again, wait untilyou're calm, you're both calm and open
to conversation, and write down exactlywhat you're doing on the average day.
You got to be honest. Can'tbe adding stuff in because it could be
that you have no idea how muchthey're doing. They might have no idea
how much you're doing, and thatcan have like once there is facts there
(20:45):
again put out and everyone can justsee what's actually going on and the lay
of the land. It's going tohelp to open up that conversation rather than
keeping it all in your own brain, assuming you know things when you might
only have half of the information,and assuming that you have this lovely conversation,
hopefully have a conversation someone has alight bulb moment, or maybe both
(21:08):
of you have a light bulb moment, or maybe your whole family has a
light bulb moment, and then it'sjust better. It's all work better from
then on. But sometimes that mightnot always be the case. And sometimes
you can just talk about this stuffforever and ever and ever and there is
(21:29):
just absolutely no change whatsoever. Andthen it comes down to respect, doesn't
it. You've been open and honest, You've put a reasonable request forward to
try and make sure the housework isequal and everything's fair, and everyone's doing
(21:52):
an equal load of work of labor, whether that's working outside the house,
working inside the home, you know, all that sort of thing. And
if it's if you're still met witha brick wall, then maybe it's a
more of a problem of lack ofrespect, which is just horrible, really,
(22:12):
it's horrible, and it's hate.I hate to talk about this topic
because in a way, it's reallydepressing because sometimes no matter how hard you
try, or how reasonable you are, or how much you talk about it,
some things never change. So ifyou have spoken to your partner,
(22:33):
or your kids or the person thatyou share a house with, and you
know you've been reasonable, and youknow given facts and backed up reason why
you feel this way, and somethings still haven't changed and you are still
doing the bulk of the housework,then maybe it's a slightly different problem in
(22:56):
as much as there is a lackof respect there. And I'm not calling
a dodgy about that, but Idon't want to leave you on a depressing
note. You know, this isValenshein's week. If you want a little
bit of company to do the housework, or maybe you live alone and you're
like, oh, I just wish, I just wish I feel like someone
was doing the housework with me.That's what the Facebook group's there for.
(23:18):
That's why it exists. It's likeyour little breakout area in the Internet,
just to go and have a chat, have a little bit of a moan.
If you want to unload. Youcan post anonymously on there if you
want to as well. No oneknows it's you. It says a non
post. Right, just have alittle bit of event. You can share
hints and tips. You know what'sworked for you, what was the light
(23:41):
bulb moment for you and your family? And if you want me to keep
your company whilst you're doing the houseworkthere. I am always in your phone,
remember whether it's on Instagram, TikTok, here, in this podcast or
if you subscribe to the Tom RocksGuided Sessions. I am ready and waiting
at all hours of the day.Do a bit of cleaning with you if
(24:02):
you need it. Listen. Ihope wherever you are in the world,
you're happy, healthy and well.It's slightly longer episode than normal today.
All right, that's a wrap fortoday's episode of The Organized Mum Show.
I hope you enjoyed it. It'sbeen an absolute pleasure chatting with you.
Before you go, Please don't forgetto hit that subscribe button. Say you
never miss out on all the tipsand conversations. And if you want to
send me a quick email with yourthoughts or even topics that you'd like me
(24:23):
to cover in the future, thenyour wish is my command within reason and
if you would like yours truly totalk you through a guided cleaning, cooking,
or admin session. Then be sureto check out the guided sessions or
the info you need for that willbe in the podcast notes. So until
next time, keep rocking it andremember you're doing an amazing job and don't
(24:47):
forget to charge your headphones for thenext episode. Bye.
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