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Speaker 1 (00:01):
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Speaker 1 (00:30):
It's time now for the Patti Conklin Show, exclusively on
healthylife dot net Radio.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
Okay, so here we go everyone. This is round two.
Vanessa Hall here subbing for Patty, who is away doing
fun things on our show, Patty and Vanessa making sense,
which we try to most of the time. Last month
(01:00):
I had the legendary Harvard women's basketball coach Kathy Delaney
Smith on as a guest, and we had technical difficulties
something with the phone line at the studio and so
we were cut short. So she agreed to come back
for second round and fill in all those things that
(01:23):
we didn't get to cover. So thank you Kathy for
coming back. I appreciate it.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
Filled. I love yourself, So thank you for cover things
so let me just.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Do a recap of what we did cover so we
can move on, because I want people to hear, you know,
about the life lessons and things that you taught your
players during your time coaching, not just at Harvard, but
at the high school level at Westwood. And correct me
if I got any of this wrong, but you were
(01:55):
not a basketball player so much. You were a swimmer.
You play six person basketball, and your mom was your coach,
which I think is so wonderful. And obviously she was
a trailblazer because you know how many women were coaching
anything back then. You got a job at Westwood High
(02:16):
School and that was the start of a dynasty. I
went back and looked in highlights. Six undefeated seasons, two
hundred and four wins to thirty one losses, a state championship,
and a ninety six game winning streak. I mean, that's
pretty pretty amazing. And then you moved on to Harvard
(02:39):
where we met and I was a senior year, first year,
and you said that you took a class with John
Cabotsen on mindfulness and meditation because you felt that you
(03:00):
need to work on the minds of your players. You know,
you mean you can't recruit like other schools or no
athletics scholarships and things like that, and this class, it
sounds like, and the things that you've learned from that
and the other things you did to educate yourself sports
(03:22):
psychology and all that, because really was the foundation to
your coaching philosophy. If I get that right, You got
that perfectly right. Yes, yeah, I'm a beginner.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
And the power of the mind. And so that's why
I love your show because there's so many ways to
approach it and so much valuable information we can talk
about and learn from to make our lives better. And
so I usually making my applet better what I.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Was trying to do. So let's talk about because your
players are loyal, dedicated, fanatical even and they they learned
so much. I mean, I read the book Written with
(04:15):
Empowering Lives and Leaders. You can get it on Amazon
and you know bookstores out there. Definitely a worthy read.
These lessons are just so impactful. And I said from
our first show that you know, I wish I had
(04:36):
had time to spend with you to learn these things,
because you were developing this and I was gone already,
and you know I could have I mean, I feel
like I would have had a jump start. So from
the quotes in the book and what your players say
about you, clearly the lessons you taught them had deep
(04:59):
in life acting impact. And so one of the things
that we didn't cover last time, I think we started
with act as If and just touch base on that
just for a second.
Speaker 4 (05:16):
Yeah, act as If. It's something I found myself doing
my entire life as a very quiet no one can believe.
It's about quiet, not confident and even introverts, you know,
lack of confidence.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
In every aspect of my life.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
And that's painful when you're you know, and I was
on the trying to be perfect, trying to get straight,
a's trying to be a people pleaser, like so many road,
the same road many women go down. And that's it
was good. It was exhausting, it was tiring, and I
found myself acting as if. I believe I learned it
(05:57):
from both my parents. You know, you can do it, Kathy,
you know, put your big girl pants on and just
get top and do it. And so I came from
the tough camp, the Delaney family tough camp, and so
I found myself acting as if in many aspects of
my life, including going off to college and being very
(06:19):
fish out of water and very uncomfortable, and so act
as if, you know, I acted as if I was
good enough to be there. I acted as if I
had the skills that I needed to perform or to
teach or to coach. And it was until I dove
into sports psychology and John Kevinson and the power of
(06:42):
the mind that I learned.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
So I gave it a name. I gave it act
as if.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
And I can't remember who I stole it from, but
it was clearly stolen from someone, and I cannot remember
who that was. And it's not fake it till you
make it, although it's quite similar and it's very it's semantics,
it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
But act as if. It's proactive.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
It's an intention to act as if you have the
qualities of the skills that you want to have, and
in doing so, you get there faster. It's not act.
It's not take it till you make it, which is
reactive taking it because I'm reacting.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
To a situation.
Speaker 4 (07:24):
So it's a it's a little more positive, and I
just you can call it whatever you want.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
I love act as if, yes, yes, And I believe,
if I remember reading correctly, that it's a creative thing
and and it involves your entire being, so that when
you're in whatever situation, you don't have the body language
of a negative body language or negative face spatial expression,
(07:52):
the negative self talk. That's right, so that all of
you is buying in yes, I I can do this,
and I'm going to act like I already have it,
you know. And it really reminds me of a little
(08:13):
bit Esther Hicks's hicks Ish asking it is given, and
so you put that thought out there and then you
step into the leaf, and then you get the feeling
of already having or already accomplishing what it is that
you're asking for. And I think this is part of that,
(08:35):
because you're using your whole body in this situation and
acting as if you already, as you said, have the
skills or whatever. I love that you can create.
Speaker 4 (08:50):
So the reason I did it as a coach because
it is very important to me that environment is highly charged,
highly positive, highly energetic. I mean, and I think that's troll.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
It's true for you in your office.
Speaker 4 (09:05):
Space, in your family space, and so you create a
culture that allows you to want, enjoy, it more and
to perform better. And so I mean I have done talks,
leadership talks, and I have done you know classes, zoom
classes where you know it's it's I guess it's a
(09:27):
new concept, but I didn't think it was new, And
it's you can use it in every aspect of your
life to create your inner circle and your environment to
be what you want it to be. On a team
and in a family and in an office. It only
takes one to be poisoned. It only takes one to
destroy that environment.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
And so if you present and use act as if
it's quite powerful, yes, I totally agree, and it's you know,
and it really is my mindset. And I mean just
as simple as you know. I was working with an
(10:08):
underwriter and she's like, I'm so bad at doing this.
You know, I can't do that. I'm good at math,
but this is I'm like, stop saying that. Yeah, you
can do it, you know, just have that confidence like
you have with math, break it down into little steps
and do it. You know. So I love that. I
think that's one of the key lessons in life. But
(10:31):
the other thing that was also in that chapter, I believe,
or the next chapter was perfect is boring now.
Speaker 4 (10:42):
Because it is, Vanessa.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
Trust me, I thought you were perfect, Cathy, You're not boring.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
Well, no, honestly, it was almost a chapter in the
book that said reasons I should be fired. So you know,
don't don't misunderstan At. My alumni and my players, who
say wonderful things about me in the very next breath,
will remind me what I did wrong, you.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
Know, So tell us stuff perfect is boring? I mean,
how does that work into molding a team?
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Yeah? So I my belief, so I was that. I
honestly lived probably twenty five close to thirty years of
my life trying to be perfect, try to win everything,
trying to be perfect, And ironically I end up at
a school at Harvard where and I don't know about Youphaness,
because you were an old wild senior when I you know,
(11:40):
the only year I coached you. But I every young
woman and everybody at Harvard, I would say a lot
of them have that, And I'm going to call it
a disease, have that yearning to be perfect. They were
the stars of their high school, the stars of their town.
They got straight a's, they got the highest test voice,
you know, and it's hard to Now they come to
(12:03):
Harvard and they are not the best of the brightest,
they you know, And I felt I had to unwind
a lot of these young women because I believe when
you learn how to embrace your mistakes, you take risks,
and you can reach a much higher level of peak
performance than you would otherwise reach if you're if you're
(12:25):
trying to be for I mean, I would send players
out and I never yell at them that. I go, well,
you don't take risks, you're not growing, you're just flatlining,
you know, like, make mistakes. Learn from that mistake, and
you'll be surprised how much much you grow, how much
better you'll be.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Oh yes, yes, perfect is boring. I was definitely an
anominated and trying for perfect, but in school just wanted
to be good. I wanted to do well. I want
to do my best, but I didn't have, yeah, that
idea of you know, doing everything right. And I would
say most of the people that know me know that
I'm a bit of a risk taker.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Yeah, yeah, I I never thought of on that road, Pronessa, No.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Yeah, so anyway, but but yeah, I think I think
you're right. I mean, there were definitely people that I
played with that were wound so tight and and had to,
you know, take time off from school and kind of
decompress from a lot of that. And a lot of
(13:31):
it was self inflicted.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
You know.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
There might have been family expectation for people to do well,
but they took it to this higher level, and I
believe missed out on a lot of fun in school.
Speaker 5 (13:46):
Miss out like because you can't stay present if you're
trying to be perfect. You're always either worried about a
mistake you made or a mistake.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
You're going to make, and so you're not right and
you're not present. Then you know the ship can I
swear that sh it is the them?
Speaker 3 (14:07):
Really? So well, you can't. Well, we know that the
only moment you have to do anything with is this moment.
And if you're stuck in the past or thinking about
the future, this moment has gone by and you've squandered it.
And perfect is boring. I mean, uh, some of the
(14:28):
best things have happened out of mistakes. And you make
out on that possibility because you you have blinders on
and you can't even see this this other possibility, you know,
but you fall down and you get back up and
you're like, oh, well, that wasn't so bad. I mean,
it really does change things. And I think this is
(14:53):
a lesson that I learned because you talk about in
the book that you you impact everyone around you even
though you don't know it. And years after I graduated,
one of my teammates said something to me like, I mean,
I don't remember there's act words, but essentially it was, oh,
(15:18):
you know, you were such a role model for me.
And I'm thinking, what in the world. I was some kid,
you know, running around, you know, just living my life,
you know, clearly self absorbed to some degree, and I
looked at her like she was out of her mind.
But you know, once we talked about it more, and
(15:40):
then it's like wow, I was. I was blown away.
And I think it really opened my eyes to just
how your presence can impact people and to be mindful
of how you show up, you know, and also to
(16:01):
show up you know, and you know, and I'm just
so I'm so happy that I was nicer, you know,
such that everybody. But it's just like like wow, you know,
but you know, to have some some empathy and and
I mean I think we need more of that. But
(16:23):
it really struck me, and and and so these are
this is just very true. And and I think that
you know, on a team, you know, you're spending so
much time with people, and and I think you really
(16:44):
have to be mindful of that. And you know, and
even when you go to work then you're around people,
you know, being mindful of how how it is that
you show up because people are watching and do not
necessarily saying anything, but they're watching. So and also with
this was be selfless. I think on a team, I
(17:07):
think those are the teams that do the best because
you don't have the you know, they say something like,
you can get anything done as long as you don't
need to get credit for it credit. That's right, right,
Those are my favorite oaders right there, Like you don't
need the credit.
Speaker 4 (17:23):
The people that need the credit are less effective leaders,
you know.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Right right.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
They say that again that they suck.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
The air out of the room, you know, because it's
all about them. That's right. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
I'm the person who loves action plan. So like if
we're talking about, you know, get off the trying to
be perfect road, well how do I do that? I
Mean I've got a class and everyone's like, well that's me.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
But how do I do it?
Speaker 4 (17:58):
How do I stop wanting to be perfect? And so
one of the things I love is humor. It's one
of the things I loved about you. For Vanessa, you
have a contagious laugh. Lots of people do, but that's
why you know, in a short time I coached you,
you have a love of life and a love of
people and a contagious laugh.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
So that's how you impact.
Speaker 4 (18:18):
Those around you.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Maybe unique.
Speaker 4 (18:20):
I don't think I've ever told you that, but but
that's how.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
You can impact people.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
So you can, you know, laugh at someone's bad joke,
or you can see pople ask them a question about
themselves that you know that maybe dishonors them a little bit.
You know that maybe it's none of their business, but
quite honestly, one hundred percent of people love to talk
about themselves. So you know, try these little daily you know,
(18:49):
action plans to learn to laugh at your mistakes. Celebrate.
We celebrated in practice as someone who made him through
the ball away. We would blow the whistle stop and
we would all like clap for them.
Speaker 5 (19:03):
I mean that's.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Exaggerated and silly, but like it. It makes you accept
human stakes a little more and makes you aware that
you don't have to be perfect, and life goes on
when you make a mistake.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Yeah, well, I think we judge ourselves most harshly, and
yet I think we you know, we throw that ball
away and then we're beating ourselves up for doing it.
So I think it would be powerful for the team
to clap, you know, and just laugh about it and
laugh it off, because of course we all do it right,
(19:39):
But definitely humor. Humor laughing is definitely the best medicine.
And talk about boring. I mean, if you're not laughing,
something's wrong, something's really wrong. I agree, So you know,
I just I mean, it'd be like life without music laughter,
and music to me is so wonderful. And and you
(20:03):
always played music at practice, you know, it was fun
and the way to you know, get yourself up off
that playlist that I play Sometimes when I'm just feeling
all down, I'll pop in this particular playlist and you know,
next thing, I know, I'm just bopping along to whatever
the tune is, and and I've forgotten why i was
(20:24):
down or yeah, and I just feel better. And so
you yes, yes, And how were you able to do that? Yes?
And if you can bring a little humor to a
situation all the better. You know, everyone feels better.
Speaker 4 (20:46):
So you know, then says to me, well, I'm not funny,
and we all know people they are not funny. Please
don't try to tell a joke. Please don't try to
be funny, because you're not. However, my my favorite people
are the ones that laugh. That those are the people.
So and everyone can laugh. Everyone can laugh. And so
(21:10):
if you find, you know, do a little self analysis.
Are you one of those people? Are you misibly? Is
your faith and your body language and your laugh are
you sharing that with people around you? And if you are,
you're making that environment better. If you're not, then your
cranky pants and you better re evaluate.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Cranky pants. I love it.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
You know.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Another thing I ran across in your book was a
chapter called coach mother. Yeah, oh, dear, well, I mean
I mean I can, I mean, I just look on
my team, but with you, it's like, yeah, but I mean,
you know, we all need some mothering from time to
(21:57):
time and go through hard times and sometimes you'll isolated
or don't have someone that you can talk to these
for whatever reason. So definitely I can see that. And
then you are a mother. I mean, you've got a
kid and so and I think, you know, going to
(22:20):
Harvard it's a bit intimidating for some of us, certainly
when I first got there. You know, I came from
public school. You know the only reason why I haven't
applied was because the assistant coach the year before I
got there recruited me, and no one else knew anything
about me, you know, And so I shove up and
he's gone, and you know, and I'm on this campus
(22:42):
with you know this, with these preconceived ideas of what
Harvard was, you know, all the huh and stuff, and so,
you know, I can certainly see how that situation a
person would need some mothering. But let's let's come back
to that after the break and go on to some
(23:03):
more of these life lessons and pearls of wisdom that
you've captured in your book, Grit and Wit. We'll be
right back.
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Speaker 7 (24:16):
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Speaker 3 (24:33):
Okay, folks, fransa Hall here with my extra special guest,
Kathy Delaney Smith. And just before the break, we were
talking about a section in your book called Coach Mother,
and I was just reflecting on, you know, showing up
to campus, uh, knowing only one person and having come
(24:56):
from public schools, you know, working class parents and you know,
not the whole ivy league stereotype, but you know, or
have that in my mind, and feeling really very out
of place. Plus I think you know, as you were
describing earlier with the people who have historically been the
(25:20):
best you know, in their class and best at this
and that, and then going to a place like Harvard
and you know your best is you know, average at best.
I imagine that there was you know, a lot of
adjustment for some of the players that you had.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
Yeah. Now, it's a funny thing that I just have
a BS in physical education and health. Yet as a coach,
I think I wore a million different hats, and seeing everyone's.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
Mom was really.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
Had, I wore kind of a lot, and a lot
of my student athletes said to me, oh, you were,
but you're so much better after you had Jared your son,
you know, like the son did something to me like
softened me or you know, you know, and now, but
talk to my son and he'll he'll just say, my
stop coaching me. So, you know, it's a fine line
(26:18):
that a coach has to wear. But I do feel
that the longer I coached, the more. I mean, I
always wanted to hug everybody. I always wanted to fix
their problems. I always wanted to play them, even though
they don't know it. I wanted to give them all
the playing time they wanted. Yet couldn't. And so the
(26:40):
mother in me, you know, always had more empathy than
maybe some other coaches.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
I guess, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. I mean you do
you hear about the authoritarian sort of nut job coaches
out there. I wouldn't. I wouldn't put you in that category. No,
thank you, Panessa.
Speaker 4 (26:59):
Although some you know, when I get to that lineup
and then I make you run till it's probably not healthy.
You know that was you know, that was just a glenn.
That was I don't know, I don't know. My mother
used to spank us, So there you go.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Man, Well you know running wind sprintsis or getting spanked, well,
you know me, I might just spanking wind sprints. Yes,
I don't know. I do know that about it anyway,
So let's move on.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
To yes, please.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
Cultivate confidence. You know, I kind of uh put that
one with act as if because I feel like act
as if is the method to develop confidence. And when
you have a little win acting as if, then you've
(28:01):
got more confidence to keep stepping deeper and deeper into
that acting as if. And I also think, you know
perfect is boring plays into that too, because I think
you gained confidence when you fail and then you get
up and then you're able to do it, and then
(28:25):
it's like, wow, I've come a long way. You know,
I couldn't do that. I mean, I'll give you a
great example here. I played a bass in a band.
I got a gig tonight actually, and I got so
frustrated trying to do this song Stevie Wonderton Master Blaster,
(28:45):
and it was just like I was banging my head
against the wall. And then finally I just I slowed
it down and I just did it slowly and just
said I can do this. Literally said to myself, I
can do this. I can do this. And so while
I'm not at a point where I can play it
(29:06):
as fast as the song is. A song is like
one hundred and thirty one beats a minute, and I'm
up to one hundred and twelve, sometimes one hundred and
fifteen beats a minute, but I can do it, and
I can do it well enough that I can actually
play with someone else and do it. And you know that,
just that achievement, it's like, oh okay, now, like now
(29:29):
I'm going to get up to one hundred and twenty.
That's my new goal. One hundred and twenty beats a minute.
And I think that, you know, failing and not giving
up is one of the best ways to develop confidence
because once you break through and you can do it, yeah,
that's just a fantastic feeling.
Speaker 4 (29:51):
You know. Well, we we wrote this book that all
these chapters was hard to separate the content, well would
touch We're going to put this in because they're all connected,
and you're a percent right. Act as if is so
connected with having confidence and building your own I find
(30:12):
or found young women more often than maybe men don't
understand they like you and Patty, you touch ownership to
your life like you bring it back to your responsible
and that I think that about confidence. I thought young
girls waited for me to compliment them, waited for me
(30:36):
to put them in the game, waited for me to
give them confidence, and that's backwards, you know. And so
I worked really hard to make sure they understood they
were in charge of their own level of confidence. And
it starts with your body language, your self talk. Like
I'm not sure everyone understands the very strong damage negative
(30:58):
constant negative self taught is it goes into your self
conscious and then that's how you operate, that's your operating system.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
And if you have filled it with you.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
Know, hours and hours and hours and years and years
and years of self negative self talk and self thought,
then what comes out is not going to be confident,
it's not.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
Going to be positive.
Speaker 4 (31:21):
You you really have to have a system where and
this woman, Kathy Croslin, who runs in Star Performance, her
her strong road to attaining confidence with affirmations. I mean
there's millions the vision board, there's a million different techniques
and strategies can use to build confidence. Hers's affirmation. I
(31:45):
believe in affirmations as well. But you know, but so
as long as you own your own confidence and you
have to research, you have to look. You have to
find what strategies will work for you. Not all my
players love the affirmations, you know, or rightization.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
So it's not a.
Speaker 4 (32:04):
One size fits all. You gotta you gotta if you're
struggling with confidence, you have to research it and find
the road that will work for you.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Right. I mean again, personal responsibility. I think that that
you're right. I think that that this is a particular
issue that women have. I mean, I think it's you know,
cultural cultivated. You know, you read about how men will
(32:35):
apply for a job even though they have no qualifications.
Got lots of examples of that lately, whereas I'm like, oh,
I need to get another degree, I need to go
to school for that. I needed to get a degree
for that, and and you know a lot of things
you don't and quite frankly, if you don't apply for
(32:57):
the job, you're definitely not and to get it. So
you know, the worst that happens is they say no.
But sometimes you know, if you go for it, you
get the job. And then if you've got confidence, you're like, well,
I can learn this, I can figure this out. I
can I can I can learn this and I can
do a good job at it. I just need a
(33:20):
chance to learn fends and practice. You know. At that mindset,
I think, like you said, you to push yourself further
along because now you're stepping out into the that edge
of that comfort zone. You've got to get past that
comfort zone, and it's just amazing what what you find
(33:41):
and what you find from within like oh, I have
the whatever whatever to do whatever this is, which then right,
of course, the more you do it and the more
you step out into those that that uncomfortable place and
realize you're not going to die. You know you're like, huh,
(34:01):
I can do this, So yes, got to see you
how to break these These sessions go by so fast,
so we'll be back folks in another few minutes and
carry on.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
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Speaker 4 (35:40):
Now.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
That's remote Healing at Pattyconklin dot.
Speaker 7 (35:43):
Com Expanding your Mind, Healthy Life dot net.
Speaker 3 (35:55):
Okay, folks, we are back and for NASA all with
Kathy de Lady Smith, and we were talking about one
of your chapters called Cultivate Confidence, and we're talking about
the affirmations and vision boards and different things that people
use to help themselves. And we touched on self talk
(36:17):
a little bit, but I'd need to go back to
that because I think self talk is one of those
things that people don't Sometimes people aren't even aware. I
sent you a box of these little booklets Seven Day Mentes.
A friend of mine sent that to me and I
(36:39):
remember reading it and then trying it and what I
came up because I never I've never made it to
seven days, but I was yeah. But what I realized,
I was like, who is this psychopath talking to me
all day long? I mean it was just like this
(37:01):
barrage of negative talk. And you've known me for a
long time. I mean it's you know, happy, laughing, you know,
have fun kind of person. And so I was horrified,
you know, to hear this voice, you know, because I
was paying attention to it. And I think what happens
is we are so used to that voice in our
(37:23):
head and thinking that that voice was our own voice,
and it's not. It's a nut job, and that person
that that narrator is not you. And and if you
(37:45):
if you soak in all of that all the time
and don't counteract it, you are actually changing the chemistry
of your body. You're changing your physiology. And if your
thoughts are negative enough, you can create disease, you can
(38:08):
create symptoms, and you can ye. And so from a physician,
you know, learning this really changes how you think about
caring for people because and I've had patients say I'm
going to die and I'm like, hey, we got you.
(38:30):
You're in the hospital, we're doing all the things, you know,
your tests are coming back better. No, I'm going to
die well, dammit, they died. It was just this is
like they had that belief and I guess they said
it to themselves enough and they they did, and and
you know, fifty years later or whatever, you know, it's like, wow,
(38:54):
this is way more powerful than we really give it credit.
And so that self talk. So folks, the booklet is
The Seven Day Mental Diet by Emmett Fox. It's like
three dollars or fifty cents on Amazon. Get it. Try it.
I think you'll be surprised powerful, and you get to
(39:15):
we get to choose whether we listen to that voice
or not. You know, that's again, you know, like I said,
personal responsibility recognizing you can drop. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
Kathy Croslin the reason I got so connected to her.
She does corporate leadership, but she was at the conference
I was at and she explained it this way, which
I thought was so powerful to me. Your subconscious is
your computer, and so everything you say, everything that's sent
(39:51):
to you, every experience you have, goes into your subconscious
flash your computer. Your subconscious does not know what is
true and what is not true. It doesn't filter true
or not true. That's why you can feed it positive
self thought, positive talk you can feed your computer and
(40:13):
counter any all of the negative experiences that are also
going into your subconscious. I found that to be very powerful,
so that every time I say, I think, or I'm
going to miss a shot, or I you know, I'm
not healthy, I'm gonna die. Whatever you're feeding and you're
unaware that it's going into your subconscious and staying there,
(40:36):
and that's why it turns into illness and death and disease.
Speaker 3 (40:43):
And you have the.
Speaker 4 (40:44):
Power to correct some of the input going in there
by saying positive things.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
About yourself.
Speaker 4 (40:52):
Or visualizing positive things about yourself, or you know, doing
the seven day Mental diet, which is yes phenomena. Like
we would have some of our kids who are really
negative and really self deprecating, we would have them wear
an elastic band around there with because a lot of
people don't realize how negative they are. And so every
(41:16):
time you say something negative or think something negative, you
snap the band and then you have, like you had
for Nansha, this awareness, Oh my gosh, am I that Monstra,
that's that negative. You just don't until you force yourself
to the awareness, you can't correct it.
Speaker 3 (41:35):
I suppose, yeah, you know that you have to be
aware first. I mean then I came back to John Cap.
It's in and mindfulness. If you don't stop and get
quiet and pay attention and listen, then that voice is
so close to you you think it's you. Yeah, And
when you get quiet and just sitting by yourself, you
(41:59):
can notice that, you can notice it, and you know
and seeing it, knowing it, and you know, going on huh,
that's the first step to correcting and and recognizing that,
you know what that thought, Let's pass that one along.
Let's replace it with something that actually enhances my life,
makes me feel good and right. And also all of
(42:24):
this is these emotions, these thoughts, they're trapped in your
body there. I mean, if you if Patty were here,
she could tell you that because she sees the energy,
the negative emotion trapped in your body and helps people
move that. But the body knows, the body remembers, The
(42:45):
body remembers yeah always, and so yeah, you put these
things in your mind, but they're going to be stored
somewhere in your body. And you talk to a massage therapists,
they'll all tell you they'll massage someone and they'll hit
a spot and the person will just burst into tears
not from pain, but from whatever that emotion was that
(43:09):
was trapped in that part of their body. And uh,
and trapped emotions that don't get cleared out absolutely cause disease.
I mean, if you study any of Louise Ky, you
know she goes into that to detail and it is
(43:31):
just so true, which gets back to we are responsible
for what we think we are responsible. I mean, the
thoughts might pop into your head, but you dwelling on
them is your choice, and so we can say, uh,
(43:53):
that thought doesn't serve me. I'm replacing that with I, Yes,
I can do this. You know that that negative nelly
that's telling me I suck. You know what, I don't suck.
I'm good, I can do this. I got this. And
that's a whole different feeling. If you're home right now
and you say I suck, see what your body feels like,
(44:16):
you know, and then say I'm great, I got this.
You you feel it, you can feel it. Just something
as simple as that. So and including that language to.
Speaker 4 (44:30):
The whole power pose course psychology, all those experiments and
research done on power poses and facial expressions, they run.
Speaker 3 (44:42):
Yeah, body, Yeah, the body knows, and so the body
has to be involved in it.
Speaker 8 (44:51):
So we are.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
We we're supposed to go to break Yeah, we are, so
we'll be back shortly, Okay.
Speaker 1 (45:19):
Patty Conklin is busy, but she's never too busy for you,
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(45:40):
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(46:27):
work and homework materials are included. Find out more or
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Speaker 7 (46:38):
Radio your Way, Help youlike dot net.
Speaker 3 (46:56):
Okay, folks were in our final eight minute segment, I
can't believe how fast they go. Is so much more
to cover in this book, so you know Grit and Wit,
Empowering Lives and Leaders by Captain Delaney Smith. Pick it up.
There's all sorts of great nuggets that you can that
you can do to improve your life, all in one place.
(47:20):
So let's talk about two bigs topics in very little time.
Communication and UH and demanding equity. Let's start with communicating.
I mean, I think that you know, for me, that's
a that's one of those things that's that's tough when
it comes down to really expressing feelings and being serious
(47:42):
and all. But so important in whatever relationship that you have,
and particularly on a team. I mean obviously communicating on
the court, sure, but you know it's beyond that. Talk
talk about this a little and how how you work
with your players around this.
Speaker 4 (48:01):
Yeah, I think I'm fearful as everyone is about the
future generation, the cell phone generation, the social media generation,
and I'm fearful that a lot of the very important
communication is being done by text and not in person.
(48:21):
And I saw the results of that when I asked
these brilliant women at Harvard, the best of the best
of the best, and you know, they were struggling with
eye contact, they were struggling with initiating a conversation, when
they were networking, when they were talking to you know, alumni,
particularly proceiduous alumni. I noticed that their communication skills were
(48:47):
sort of going backwards and not growing. And so I
incorporated all kinds of and I think family should and
parents should, and I'm not telling you anything you don't
already know, but we have to figure out what is
the proper way to move forward and have some control
over the phones. And so if you're a parent or
(49:10):
you're a boss, and you have to I told my
team when they walk into my building, they had to
turn their phone in. They could not use the cell
phone in brigs. They had to put it on a
charging station outside of my office, so they would have to.
Speaker 3 (49:25):
Say hi to me.
Speaker 4 (49:26):
And then when they were in the locker room, they
were present with their teammates, they were out, they were
establishing relationships, they were actually listening and hearing. I do
think everybody, including myself, needed to get a slap in
the face or a kick in the butt to listen better. Yes,
(49:49):
and it means stay pressed. I mean, these these chapters
are all tied in, so you can't listen better if
you're not present because you're worried about the past or
worried about the future.
Speaker 3 (49:58):
So so I made.
Speaker 4 (50:01):
My players put their phone down, and you would think
I had stabbed them that they cried they aren't gonna live.
You can't do. I mean, it was amazing the traumas
they were experiencing. And it took about two weeks and
almost the entire teams that thank you, Kathy. The best
(50:24):
thing is And my kin said that to me when
I went out to New York to have dinner with him,
and you know, he had his cell phone and he
so I'm the table and he kept looking at it.
I'm like, no, I came to New York to see you.
Speaker 3 (50:36):
You put that phone away. You're not gonnat.
Speaker 4 (50:39):
I mean, give me two hours and if it's so important,
go to the restroom and look at it there and
then come back. But you know, look at people walking
down the street, people doing selfies. People they're they're not present,
they're not good communicators. You know, we're headed down a scary,
(51:02):
scary road. And I felt as a coach, last teacher,
it was my job to teach communications because it's going backwards.
Speaker 3 (51:12):
Yeah, and it's important for everything, for everything. And you know,
if you're distracted on a phone, like you said, you're
not president. You're in that phone and you're not even
present with yourself too, you know. And if you're in
a team environment and you're on your phone, well get
then you're not connecting. You know. Connection is everything. Connection
(51:34):
is is everything I mean, And that's you know. I
I have a whole talk I did actually on my website.
I have a podcast today. They loaded all the things
that I've done so far onto this page's MD wellnesssoul
Lutions dot com s O U L slash podcast, and
you can see it's the first one. It talks about
(51:55):
community connection and how important it is for health and illness.
And you cannot connect with people if you're on your phone.
And I'm guilty. You know, I actually have a my
calendar on my phone every day at eight o'clock at night,
it says, put the phone down, put on the charter,
remind me to do it. Put your show.
Speaker 4 (52:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (52:19):
So I think that's great, and that is a great lesson.
And let's let's wrap up. We've got three or four
minutes left. Let's talk about demanding equity. You had to
fight Harvard for what was right for you. To tells
little about.
Speaker 4 (52:38):
That, Well, my fight started as a high school teacher
when I graduated, uh from college and went and fight
first teaching and coaching job at Westwood and I arrived
at it and I my parents are always taught me
and my brothers we could all do anything we wanted.
It was we were not traditionally shoved into roles. You know,
(53:02):
you do you want to play sports plam of course.
And so I get to Wesbarn High School as a
coach and there's no practice times, there's no uniforms. I
have no assistant coaches. There was nothing for the girls.
They I had to have my basketball team where handed
down woolen kilts from the field hockey team in the seventies.
(53:24):
I'm like, they can't wear woolen kilts to play basketball.
And I went proper channels and asked the principal and
asbad and asked this, no, no, no no. So I
filed for lawsuits and tell everybody said, you never get
another job, counting you never, You're risking your entire career.
And I think I was clueless, well brave, I'm not sure.
(53:48):
I didn't care. How could you be in an environment
where girls were such second class citizens? And then I
took the job at Harvard because beloved a d there.
I loved him to be really wanted to do the
right thing in a world that wasn't doing the right thing.
(54:09):
You know, he he and he was wonderful. We were
not perfect. And I do feel like forty years that
Harvard was a fight for equity, you know, and the
queen will Will gets the gets the oil and and
and that's what I think we we women. I'm I
wanted to pass the batade to all the young women
I coached, you know, and you have to be the
(54:32):
squeak you will. You have to speak up. You have
to have some courage. You have to We're not there yet.
Speaker 3 (54:39):
We have to keep no, we're going right. If anything,
well we know why, yes we do, but you know it,
really you have to take a stand. I mean, at
some point, you know, just you take a look at
yourself and look at your own value and sometimes you
(55:04):
just have to walk away. You have to say, you
know what, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this
for for this anymore. I'm not you know, I'm not
getting coffee for you. I'm an executive. You know, I'm
not getting coffee for you. I'm not. I mean, you
just have to draw the line. And I think we
need some of our male allies to step up. You
(55:27):
see this crap happening. You need to step up too
and call these people out, you know. And and you
know what the irony is that you know most of these
people have you said, well, what if it was your daughter? Like,
well there's a different story, and it's like, what's wrong
with you?
Speaker 4 (55:45):
It? Really, I will say, I will say, Vanessa, it's
better like I think way back When we started, it
was the men are you're the enemy, and women with
power and we're gonna, you know, ride the soapbox. It's
so much different now. There are not enough, not all,
but there are so many more allies. And I think
(56:08):
all of the people, all of the women especially, but
all the people who are fighting for equity. You have
to do it without treating men as if they're the enemy,
I think, right, And we do some damage when we
don't use them as our allies because I think, yeah,
they need to be educated, they need to have conversations.
Speaker 3 (56:30):
Yeah, well, I mean I think that, you know, it's
not about a group being the enemy. It's generally just
some individuals. And unfortunately there are some women who are
not allies. Yeah, like they got theirs, they got theirs,
and they're going to like stab you in the back
(56:50):
to keep you down because there's not enough space for
more than one of us here as opposed to you know,
giving people a hand up. I mean that's why, I mean,
I admire you so much because you really do support
women cultivating their confidence and and and helping people progress
(57:11):
and become better, more full, more authentic people. And so
thank you, thank you, thank you, so much. I've enjoyed this.
I wish we had more time. But folks, Captain Delanny
Smith and her new book Brita and Wit Empowering Lives
and Leaders. Also Captain del Any Smith dot com if
you want to know more about her, if you want
(57:33):
to book her for an engagement, to speaking engagement or
I don't know, maybe you do, you know, coaching seminars
or camps or whatever. But they can go to your
website to reach out. Thank you, thank you, thank you
so much. I really appreciate you for this.
Speaker 4 (57:52):
So you and Patty doing valuable work.
Speaker 3 (57:55):
Keep it up. Okay, thanks so much, and so see
you next week. Don't miss it. Tina Lifford inter Fitness Kathy,
You'll love this. It's going to be a great show.
It's just Inner Fitness Project. You can check it out.
But I'll be interviewing Tina Lifford, the creator, next week
(58:16):
and that's going to be another great show. Okay, bye everyone,
take care.
Speaker 1 (58:21):
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Speaker 1 (00:30):
It's time now for the Patti Conklin Show, exclusively on
healthylife dot net Radio.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
Okay, so here we go everyone. This is round two.
Vanessa Hall here subbing for Patty, who is away doing
fun things on our show, Patty and Vanessa making sense,
which we try to most of the time. Last month
(01:00):
I had the legendary Harvard women's basketball coach Kathy Delaney
Smith on as a guest, and we had technical difficulties
something with the phone line at the studio and so
we were cut short. So she agreed to come back
for second round and fill in all those things that
(01:23):
we didn't get to cover. So thank you Kathy for
coming back. I appreciate it.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
Filled. I love yourself, So thank you for cover things
so let me just.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Do a recap of what we did cover so we
can move on, because I want people to hear, you know,
about the life lessons and things that you taught your
players during your time coaching, not just at Harvard, but
at the high school level at Westwood. And correct me
if I got any of this wrong, but you were
(01:55):
not a basketball player so much. You were a swimmer.
You play six person basketball, and your mom was your coach,
which I think is so wonderful. And obviously she was
a trailblazer because you know how many women were coaching
anything back then. You got a job at Westwood High
(02:16):
School and that was the start of a dynasty. I
went back and looked in highlights. Six undefeated seasons, two
hundred and four wins to thirty one losses, a state championship,
and a ninety six game winning streak. I mean, that's
pretty pretty amazing. And then you moved on to Harvard
(02:39):
where we met and I was a senior year, first year,
and you said that you took a class with John
Cabotsen on mindfulness and meditation because you felt that you
(03:00):
need to work on the minds of your players. You know,
you mean you can't recruit like other schools or no
athletics scholarships and things like that, and this class, it
sounds like, and the things that you've learned from that
and the other things you did to educate yourself sports
(03:22):
psychology and all that, because really was the foundation to
your coaching philosophy. If I get that right, You got
that perfectly right. Yes, yeah, I'm a beginner.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
And the power of the mind. And so that's why
I love your show because there's so many ways to
approach it and so much valuable information we can talk
about and learn from to make our lives better. And
so I usually making my applet better what I.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Was trying to do. So let's talk about because your
players are loyal, dedicated, fanatical even and they they learned
so much. I mean, I read the book Written with
(04:15):
Empowering Lives and Leaders. You can get it on Amazon
and you know bookstores out there. Definitely a worthy read.
These lessons are just so impactful. And I said from
our first show that you know, I wish I had
(04:36):
had time to spend with you to learn these things,
because you were developing this and I was gone already,
and you know I could have I mean, I feel
like I would have had a jump start. So from
the quotes in the book and what your players say
about you, clearly the lessons you taught them had deep
(04:59):
in life acting impact. And so one of the things
that we didn't cover last time, I think we started
with act as If and just touch base on that
just for a second.
Speaker 4 (05:16):
Yeah, act as If. It's something I found myself doing
my entire life as a very quiet no one can believe.
It's about quiet, not confident and even introverts, you know,
lack of confidence.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
In every aspect of my life.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
And that's painful when you're you know, and I was
on the trying to be perfect, trying to get straight,
a's trying to be a people pleaser, like so many road,
the same road many women go down. And that's it
was good. It was exhausting, it was tiring, and I
found myself acting as if. I believe I learned it
(05:57):
from both my parents. You know, you can do it, Kathy,
you know, put your big girl pants on and just
get top and do it. And so I came from
the tough camp, the Delaney family tough camp, and so
I found myself acting as if in many aspects of
my life, including going off to college and being very
(06:19):
fish out of water and very uncomfortable, and so act
as if, you know, I acted as if I was
good enough to be there. I acted as if I
had the skills that I needed to perform or to
teach or to coach. And it was until I dove
into sports psychology and John Kevinson and the power of
(06:42):
the mind that I learned.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
So I gave it a name. I gave it act
as if.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
And I can't remember who I stole it from, but
it was clearly stolen from someone, and I cannot remember
who that was. And it's not fake it till you
make it, although it's quite similar and it's very it's semantics,
it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
But act as if. It's proactive.
Speaker 4 (07:05):
It's an intention to act as if you have the
qualities of the skills that you want to have, and
in doing so, you get there faster. It's not act.
It's not take it till you make it, which is
reactive taking it because I'm reacting.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
To a situation.
Speaker 4 (07:24):
So it's a it's a little more positive, and I
just you can call it whatever you want.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
I love act as if, yes, yes, And I believe,
if I remember reading correctly, that it's a creative thing
and and it involves your entire being, so that when
you're in whatever situation, you don't have the body language
of a negative body language or negative face spatial expression,
(07:52):
the negative self talk. That's right, so that all of
you is buying in yes, I I can do this,
and I'm going to act like I already have it,
you know. And it really reminds me of a little
(08:13):
bit Esther Hicks's hicks Ish asking it is given, and
so you put that thought out there and then you
step into the leaf, and then you get the feeling
of already having or already accomplishing what it is that
you're asking for. And I think this is part of that,
(08:35):
because you're using your whole body in this situation and
acting as if you already, as you said, have the
skills or whatever. I love that you can create.
Speaker 4 (08:50):
So the reason I did it as a coach because
it is very important to me that environment is highly charged,
highly positive, highly energetic. I mean, and I think that's troll.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
It's true for you in your office.
Speaker 4 (09:05):
Space, in your family space, and so you create a
culture that allows you to want, enjoy, it more and
to perform better. And so I mean I have done talks,
leadership talks, and I have done you know classes, zoom
classes where you know it's it's I guess it's a
(09:27):
new concept, but I didn't think it was new, And
it's you can use it in every aspect of your
life to create your inner circle and your environment to
be what you want it to be. On a team
and in a family and in an office. It only
takes one to be poisoned. It only takes one to
destroy that environment.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
And so if you present and use act as if
it's quite powerful, yes, I totally agree, and it's you know,
and it really is my mindset. And I mean just
as simple as you know. I was working with an
(10:08):
underwriter and she's like, I'm so bad at doing this.
You know, I can't do that. I'm good at math,
but this is I'm like, stop saying that. Yeah, you
can do it, you know, just have that confidence like
you have with math, break it down into little steps
and do it. You know. So I love that. I
think that's one of the key lessons in life. But
(10:31):
the other thing that was also in that chapter, I believe,
or the next chapter was perfect is boring now.
Speaker 4 (10:42):
Because it is, Vanessa.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
Trust me, I thought you were perfect, Cathy, You're not boring.
Speaker 4 (10:51):
Well, no, honestly, it was almost a chapter in the
book that said reasons I should be fired. So you know,
don't don't misunderstan At. My alumni and my players, who
say wonderful things about me in the very next breath,
will remind me what I did wrong, you.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
Know, So tell us stuff perfect is boring? I mean,
how does that work into molding a team?
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Yeah? So I my belief, so I was that. I
honestly lived probably twenty five close to thirty years of
my life trying to be perfect, try to win everything,
trying to be perfect, And ironically I end up at
a school at Harvard where and I don't know about Youphaness,
because you were an old wild senior when I you know,
(11:40):
the only year I coached you. But I every young
woman and everybody at Harvard, I would say a lot
of them have that, And I'm going to call it
a disease, have that yearning to be perfect. They were
the stars of their high school, the stars of their town.
They got straight a's, they got the highest test voice,
you know, and it's hard to Now they come to
(12:03):
Harvard and they are not the best of the brightest,
they you know, And I felt I had to unwind
a lot of these young women because I believe when
you learn how to embrace your mistakes, you take risks,
and you can reach a much higher level of peak
performance than you would otherwise reach if you're if you're
(12:25):
trying to be for I mean, I would send players
out and I never yell at them that. I go, well,
you don't take risks, you're not growing, you're just flatlining,
you know, like, make mistakes. Learn from that mistake, and
you'll be surprised how much much you grow, how much
better you'll be.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Oh yes, yes, perfect is boring. I was definitely an
anominated and trying for perfect, but in school just wanted
to be good. I wanted to do well. I want
to do my best, but I didn't have, yeah, that
idea of you know, doing everything right. And I would
say most of the people that know me know that
I'm a bit of a risk taker.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
Yeah, yeah, I I never thought of on that road, Pronessa, No.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Yeah, so anyway, but but yeah, I think I think
you're right. I mean, there were definitely people that I
played with that were wound so tight and and had to,
you know, take time off from school and kind of
decompress from a lot of that. And a lot of
(13:31):
it was self inflicted.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
You know.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
There might have been family expectation for people to do well,
but they took it to this higher level, and I
believe missed out on a lot of fun in school.
Speaker 5 (13:46):
Miss out like because you can't stay present if you're
trying to be perfect. You're always either worried about a
mistake you made or a mistake.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
You're going to make, and so you're not right and
you're not present. Then you know the ship can I
swear that sh it is the them?
Speaker 3 (14:07):
Really? So well, you can't. Well, we know that the
only moment you have to do anything with is this moment.
And if you're stuck in the past or thinking about
the future, this moment has gone by and you've squandered it.
And perfect is boring. I mean, uh, some of the
(14:28):
best things have happened out of mistakes. And you make
out on that possibility because you you have blinders on
and you can't even see this this other possibility, you know,
but you fall down and you get back up and
you're like, oh, well, that wasn't so bad. I mean,
it really does change things. And I think this is
(14:53):
a lesson that I learned because you talk about in
the book that you you impact everyone around you even
though you don't know it. And years after I graduated,
one of my teammates said something to me like, I mean,
I don't remember there's act words, but essentially it was, oh,
(15:18):
you know, you were such a role model for me.
And I'm thinking, what in the world. I was some kid,
you know, running around, you know, just living my life,
you know, clearly self absorbed to some degree, and I
looked at her like she was out of her mind.
But you know, once we talked about it more, and
(15:40):
then it's like wow, I was. I was blown away.
And I think it really opened my eyes to just
how your presence can impact people and to be mindful
of how you show up, you know, and also to
(16:01):
show up you know, and you know, and I'm just
so I'm so happy that I was nicer, you know,
such that everybody. But it's just like like wow, you know,
but you know, to have some some empathy and and
I mean I think we need more of that. But
(16:23):
it really struck me, and and and so these are
this is just very true. And and I think that
you know, on a team, you know, you're spending so
much time with people, and and I think you really
(16:44):
have to be mindful of that. And you know, and
even when you go to work then you're around people,
you know, being mindful of how how it is that
you show up because people are watching and do not
necessarily saying anything, but they're watching. So and also with
this was be selfless. I think on a team, I
(17:07):
think those are the teams that do the best because
you don't have the you know, they say something like,
you can get anything done as long as you don't
need to get credit for it credit. That's right, right,
Those are my favorite oaders right there, Like you don't
need the credit.
Speaker 4 (17:23):
The people that need the credit are less effective leaders,
you know.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Right right.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
They say that again that they suck.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
The air out of the room, you know, because it's
all about them. That's right. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
I'm the person who loves action plan. So like if
we're talking about, you know, get off the trying to
be perfect road, well how do I do that? I
Mean I've got a class and everyone's like, well that's me.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
But how do I do it?
Speaker 4 (17:58):
How do I stop wanting to be perfect? And so
one of the things I love is humor. It's one
of the things I loved about you. For Vanessa, you
have a contagious laugh. Lots of people do, but that's
why you know, in a short time I coached you,
you have a love of life and a love of
people and a contagious laugh.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
So that's how you impact.
Speaker 4 (18:18):
Those around you.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Maybe unique.
Speaker 4 (18:20):
I don't think I've ever told you that, but but
that's how.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
You can impact people.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
So you can, you know, laugh at someone's bad joke,
or you can see pople ask them a question about
themselves that you know that maybe dishonors them a little bit.
You know that maybe it's none of their business, but
quite honestly, one hundred percent of people love to talk
about themselves. So you know, try these little daily you know,
(18:49):
action plans to learn to laugh at your mistakes. Celebrate.
We celebrated in practice as someone who made him through
the ball away. We would blow the whistle stop and
we would all like clap for them.
Speaker 5 (19:03):
I mean that's.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Exaggerated and silly, but like it. It makes you accept
human stakes a little more and makes you aware that
you don't have to be perfect, and life goes on
when you make a mistake.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Yeah, well, I think we judge ourselves most harshly, and
yet I think we you know, we throw that ball
away and then we're beating ourselves up for doing it.
So I think it would be powerful for the team
to clap, you know, and just laugh about it and
laugh it off, because of course we all do it right,
(19:39):
But definitely humor. Humor laughing is definitely the best medicine.
And talk about boring. I mean, if you're not laughing,
something's wrong, something's really wrong. I agree, So you know,
I just I mean, it'd be like life without music laughter,
and music to me is so wonderful. And and you
(20:03):
always played music at practice, you know, it was fun
and the way to you know, get yourself up off
that playlist that I play Sometimes when I'm just feeling
all down, I'll pop in this particular playlist and you know,
next thing, I know, I'm just bopping along to whatever
the tune is, and and I've forgotten why i was
(20:24):
down or yeah, and I just feel better. And so
you yes, yes, And how were you able to do that? Yes?
And if you can bring a little humor to a
situation all the better. You know, everyone feels better.
Speaker 4 (20:46):
So you know, then says to me, well, I'm not funny,
and we all know people they are not funny. Please
don't try to tell a joke. Please don't try to
be funny, because you're not. However, my my favorite people
are the ones that laugh. That those are the people.
So and everyone can laugh. Everyone can laugh. And so
(21:10):
if you find, you know, do a little self analysis.
Are you one of those people? Are you misibly? Is
your faith and your body language and your laugh are
you sharing that with people around you? And if you are,
you're making that environment better. If you're not, then your
cranky pants and you better re evaluate.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Cranky pants. I love it.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
You know.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Another thing I ran across in your book was a
chapter called coach mother. Yeah, oh, dear, well, I mean
I mean I can, I mean, I just look on
my team, but with you, it's like, yeah, but I mean,
you know, we all need some mothering from time to
(21:57):
time and go through hard times and sometimes you'll isolated
or don't have someone that you can talk to these
for whatever reason. So definitely I can see that. And
then you are a mother. I mean, you've got a
kid and so and I think, you know, going to
(22:20):
Harvard it's a bit intimidating for some of us, certainly
when I first got there. You know, I came from
public school. You know the only reason why I haven't
applied was because the assistant coach the year before I
got there recruited me, and no one else knew anything
about me, you know, And so I shove up and
he's gone, and you know, and I'm on this campus
(22:42):
with you know this, with these preconceived ideas of what
Harvard was, you know, all the huh and stuff, and so,
you know, I can certainly see how that situation a
person would need some mothering. But let's let's come back
to that after the break and go on to some
(23:03):
more of these life lessons and pearls of wisdom that
you've captured in your book, Grit and Wit. We'll be
right back.
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Speaker 3 (24:33):
Okay, folks, fransa Hall here with my extra special guest,
Kathy Delaney Smith. And just before the break, we were
talking about a section in your book called Coach Mother,
and I was just reflecting on, you know, showing up
to campus, uh, knowing only one person and having come
(24:56):
from public schools, you know, working class parents and you know,
not the whole ivy league stereotype, but you know, or
have that in my mind, and feeling really very out
of place. Plus I think you know, as you were
describing earlier with the people who have historically been the
(25:20):
best you know, in their class and best at this
and that, and then going to a place like Harvard
and you know your best is you know, average at best.
I imagine that there was you know, a lot of
adjustment for some of the players that you had.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
Yeah. Now, it's a funny thing that I just have
a BS in physical education and health. Yet as a coach,
I think I wore a million different hats, and seeing everyone's.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
Mom was really.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
Had, I wore kind of a lot, and a lot
of my student athletes said to me, oh, you were,
but you're so much better after you had Jared your son,
you know, like the son did something to me like
softened me or you know, you know, and now, but
talk to my son and he'll he'll just say, my
stop coaching me. So, you know, it's a fine line
(26:18):
that a coach has to wear. But I do feel
that the longer I coached, the more. I mean, I
always wanted to hug everybody. I always wanted to fix
their problems. I always wanted to play them, even though
they don't know it. I wanted to give them all
the playing time they wanted. Yet couldn't. And so the
(26:40):
mother in me, you know, always had more empathy than
maybe some other coaches.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
I guess, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. I mean you do
you hear about the authoritarian sort of nut job coaches
out there. I wouldn't. I wouldn't put you in that category. No,
thank you, Panessa.
Speaker 4 (26:59):
Although some you know, when I get to that lineup
and then I make you run till it's probably not healthy.
You know that was you know, that was just a glenn.
That was I don't know, I don't know. My mother
used to spank us, So there you go.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Man, Well you know running wind sprintsis or getting spanked, well,
you know me, I might just spanking wind sprints. Yes,
I don't know. I do know that about it anyway,
So let's move on.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
To yes, please.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
Cultivate confidence. You know, I kind of uh put that
one with act as if because I feel like act
as if is the method to develop confidence. And when
you have a little win acting as if, then you've
(28:01):
got more confidence to keep stepping deeper and deeper into
that acting as if. And I also think, you know
perfect is boring plays into that too, because I think
you gained confidence when you fail and then you get
up and then you're able to do it, and then
(28:25):
it's like, wow, I've come a long way. You know,
I couldn't do that. I mean, I'll give you a
great example here. I played a bass in a band.
I got a gig tonight actually, and I got so
frustrated trying to do this song Stevie Wonderton Master Blaster,
(28:45):
and it was just like I was banging my head
against the wall. And then finally I just I slowed
it down and I just did it slowly and just
said I can do this. Literally said to myself, I
can do this. I can do this. And so while
I'm not at a point where I can play it
(29:06):
as fast as the song is. A song is like
one hundred and thirty one beats a minute, and I'm
up to one hundred and twelve, sometimes one hundred and
fifteen beats a minute, but I can do it, and
I can do it well enough that I can actually
play with someone else and do it. And you know that,
just that achievement, it's like, oh okay, now, like now
(29:29):
I'm going to get up to one hundred and twenty.
That's my new goal. One hundred and twenty beats a minute.
And I think that, you know, failing and not giving
up is one of the best ways to develop confidence
because once you break through and you can do it, yeah,
that's just a fantastic feeling.
Speaker 4 (29:51):
You know. Well, we we wrote this book that all
these chapters was hard to separate the content, well would
touch We're going to put this in because they're all connected,
and you're a percent right. Act as if is so
connected with having confidence and building your own I find
(30:12):
or found young women more often than maybe men don't
understand they like you and Patty, you touch ownership to
your life like you bring it back to your responsible
and that I think that about confidence. I thought young
girls waited for me to compliment them, waited for me
(30:36):
to put them in the game, waited for me to
give them confidence, and that's backwards, you know. And so
I worked really hard to make sure they understood they
were in charge of their own level of confidence. And
it starts with your body language, your self talk. Like
I'm not sure everyone understands the very strong damage negative
(30:58):
constant negative self taught is it goes into your self
conscious and then that's how you operate, that's your operating system.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
And if you have filled it with you.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
Know, hours and hours and hours and years and years
and years of self negative self talk and self thought,
then what comes out is not going to be confident,
it's not.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
Going to be positive.
Speaker 4 (31:21):
You you really have to have a system where and
this woman, Kathy Croslin, who runs in Star Performance, her
her strong road to attaining confidence with affirmations. I mean
there's millions the vision board, there's a million different techniques
and strategies can use to build confidence. Hers's affirmation. I
(31:45):
believe in affirmations as well. But you know, but so
as long as you own your own confidence and you
have to research, you have to look. You have to
find what strategies will work for you. Not all my
players love the affirmations, you know, or rightization.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
So it's not a.
Speaker 4 (32:04):
One size fits all. You gotta you gotta if you're
struggling with confidence, you have to research it and find
the road that will work for you.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
Right. I mean again, personal responsibility. I think that that
you're right. I think that that this is a particular
issue that women have. I mean, I think it's you know,
cultural cultivated. You know, you read about how men will
(32:35):
apply for a job even though they have no qualifications.
Got lots of examples of that lately, whereas I'm like, oh,
I need to get another degree, I need to go
to school for that. I needed to get a degree
for that, and and you know a lot of things
you don't and quite frankly, if you don't apply for
(32:57):
the job, you're definitely not and to get it. So
you know, the worst that happens is they say no.
But sometimes you know, if you go for it, you
get the job. And then if you've got confidence, you're like, well,
I can learn this, I can figure this out. I
can I can I can learn this and I can
do a good job at it. I just need a
(33:20):
chance to learn fends and practice. You know. At that mindset,
I think, like you said, you to push yourself further
along because now you're stepping out into the that edge
of that comfort zone. You've got to get past that
comfort zone, and it's just amazing what what you find
(33:41):
and what you find from within like oh, I have
the whatever whatever to do whatever this is, which then right,
of course, the more you do it and the more
you step out into those that that uncomfortable place and
realize you're not going to die. You know you're like, huh,
(34:01):
I can do this, So yes, got to see you
how to break these These sessions go by so fast,
so we'll be back folks in another few minutes and
carry on.
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Speaker 7 (35:43):
Com Expanding your Mind, Healthy Life dot net.
Speaker 3 (35:55):
Okay, folks, we are back and for NASA all with
Kathy de Lady Smith, and we were talking about one
of your chapters called Cultivate Confidence, and we're talking about
the affirmations and vision boards and different things that people
use to help themselves. And we touched on self talk
(36:17):
a little bit, but I'd need to go back to
that because I think self talk is one of those
things that people don't Sometimes people aren't even aware. I
sent you a box of these little booklets Seven Day Mentes.
A friend of mine sent that to me and I
(36:39):
remember reading it and then trying it and what I
came up because I never I've never made it to
seven days, but I was yeah. But what I realized,
I was like, who is this psychopath talking to me
all day long? I mean it was just like this
(37:01):
barrage of negative talk. And you've known me for a
long time. I mean it's you know, happy, laughing, you know,
have fun kind of person. And so I was horrified,
you know, to hear this voice, you know, because I
was paying attention to it. And I think what happens
is we are so used to that voice in our
(37:23):
head and thinking that that voice was our own voice,
and it's not. It's a nut job, and that person
that that narrator is not you. And and if you
(37:45):
if you soak in all of that all the time
and don't counteract it, you are actually changing the chemistry
of your body. You're changing your physiology. And if your
thoughts are negative enough, you can create disease, you can
(38:08):
create symptoms, and you can ye. And so from a physician,
you know, learning this really changes how you think about
caring for people because and I've had patients say I'm
going to die and I'm like, hey, we got you.
(38:30):
You're in the hospital, we're doing all the things, you know,
your tests are coming back better. No, I'm going to
die well, dammit, they died. It was just this is
like they had that belief and I guess they said
it to themselves enough and they they did, and and
you know, fifty years later or whatever, you know, it's like, wow,
(38:54):
this is way more powerful than we really give it credit.
And so that self talk. So folks, the booklet is
The Seven Day Mental Diet by Emmett Fox. It's like
three dollars or fifty cents on Amazon. Get it. Try it.
I think you'll be surprised powerful, and you get to
(39:15):
we get to choose whether we listen to that voice
or not. You know, that's again, you know, like I said,
personal responsibility recognizing you can drop. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
Kathy Croslin the reason I got so connected to her.
She does corporate leadership, but she was at the conference
I was at and she explained it this way, which
I thought was so powerful to me. Your subconscious is
your computer, and so everything you say, everything that's sent
(39:51):
to you, every experience you have, goes into your subconscious
flash your computer. Your subconscious does not know what is
true and what is not true. It doesn't filter true
or not true. That's why you can feed it positive
self thought, positive talk you can feed your computer and
(40:13):
counter any all of the negative experiences that are also
going into your subconscious. I found that to be very powerful,
so that every time I say, I think, or I'm
going to miss a shot, or I you know, I'm
not healthy, I'm gonna die. Whatever you're feeding and you're
unaware that it's going into your subconscious and staying there,
(40:36):
and that's why it turns into illness and death and disease.
Speaker 3 (40:43):
And you have the.
Speaker 4 (40:44):
Power to correct some of the input going in there
by saying positive things.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
About yourself.
Speaker 4 (40:52):
Or visualizing positive things about yourself, or you know, doing
the seven day Mental diet, which is yes phenomena. Like
we would have some of our kids who are really
negative and really self deprecating, we would have them wear
an elastic band around there with because a lot of
people don't realize how negative they are. And so every
(41:16):
time you say something negative or think something negative, you
snap the band and then you have, like you had
for Nansha, this awareness, Oh my gosh, am I that Monstra,
that's that negative. You just don't until you force yourself
to the awareness, you can't correct it.
Speaker 3 (41:35):
I suppose, yeah, you know that you have to be
aware first. I mean then I came back to John Cap.
It's in and mindfulness. If you don't stop and get
quiet and pay attention and listen, then that voice is
so close to you you think it's you. Yeah, And
when you get quiet and just sitting by yourself, you
(41:59):
can notice that, you can notice it, and you know
and seeing it, knowing it, and you know, going on huh,
that's the first step to correcting and and recognizing that,
you know what that thought, Let's pass that one along.
Let's replace it with something that actually enhances my life,
makes me feel good and right. And also all of
(42:24):
this is these emotions, these thoughts, they're trapped in your
body there. I mean, if you if Patty were here,
she could tell you that because she sees the energy,
the negative emotion trapped in your body and helps people
move that. But the body knows, the body remembers, The
(42:45):
body remembers yeah always, and so yeah, you put these
things in your mind, but they're going to be stored
somewhere in your body. And you talk to a massage therapists,
they'll all tell you they'll massage someone and they'll hit
a spot and the person will just burst into tears
not from pain, but from whatever that emotion was that
(43:09):
was trapped in that part of their body. And uh,
and trapped emotions that don't get cleared out absolutely cause disease.
I mean, if you study any of Louise Ky, you
know she goes into that to detail and it is
(43:31):
just so true, which gets back to we are responsible
for what we think we are responsible. I mean, the
thoughts might pop into your head, but you dwelling on
them is your choice, and so we can say, uh,
(43:53):
that thought doesn't serve me. I'm replacing that with I, Yes,
I can do this. You know that that negative nelly
that's telling me I suck. You know what, I don't suck.
I'm good, I can do this. I got this. And
that's a whole different feeling. If you're home right now
and you say I suck, see what your body feels like,
(44:16):
you know, and then say I'm great, I got this.
You you feel it, you can feel it. Just something
as simple as that. So and including that language to.
Speaker 4 (44:30):
The whole power pose course psychology, all those experiments and
research done on power poses and facial expressions, they run.
Speaker 3 (44:42):
Yeah, body, Yeah, the body knows, and so the body
has to be involved in it.
Speaker 8 (44:51):
So we are.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
We we're supposed to go to break Yeah, we are, so
we'll be back shortly, Okay.
Speaker 1 (45:19):
Patty Conklin is busy, but she's never too busy for you,
and there are lots of ways to get a healing
session with her. You can even get one via zoom
or by phone. With twenty nine years in the business
of energy healing, Patty has a unique and remarkable ability
to connect with your energy to help you heal on
a mind, body, spirit level, from angst to pain. You
can get help from Patty look a half hour healing
(45:40):
session and embark on your own personal healing journey. Visit
Pattyconklin dot com and click on services That's Pattyconklin dot com.
Speaker 9 (45:49):
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Speaker 1 (46:04):
Want to get that man or woman out of your mind?
How about being in the right state of mind for
getting that job, promotion or staying positive to help boost
your immune system. Want to break those old habits, then
it's time for an emotional cellular cleansing with Patty Coonklin.
You'll get a private three hour session in person, by
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(46:27):
work and homework materials are included. Find out more or
to book your appointment, visit Pattyconklin dot com. That's Pattyconklin
dot com.
Speaker 7 (46:38):
Radio your Way, Help youlike dot net.
Speaker 3 (46:56):
Okay, folks were in our final eight minute segment, I
can't believe how fast they go. Is so much more
to cover in this book, so you know Grit and Wit,
Empowering Lives and Leaders by Captain Delaney Smith. Pick it up.
There's all sorts of great nuggets that you can that
you can do to improve your life, all in one place.
(47:20):
So let's talk about two bigs topics in very little time.
Communication and UH and demanding equity. Let's start with communicating.
I mean, I think that you know, for me, that's
a that's one of those things that's that's tough when
it comes down to really expressing feelings and being serious
(47:42):
and all. But so important in whatever relationship that you have,
and particularly on a team. I mean obviously communicating on
the court, sure, but you know it's beyond that. Talk
talk about this a little and how how you work
with your players around this.
Speaker 4 (48:01):
Yeah, I think I'm fearful as everyone is about the
future generation, the cell phone generation, the social media generation,
and I'm fearful that a lot of the very important
communication is being done by text and not in person.
(48:21):
And I saw the results of that when I asked
these brilliant women at Harvard, the best of the best
of the best, and you know, they were struggling with
eye contact, they were struggling with initiating a conversation, when
they were networking, when they were talking to you know, alumni,
particularly proceiduous alumni. I noticed that their communication skills were
(48:47):
sort of going backwards and not growing. And so I
incorporated all kinds of and I think family should and
parents should, and I'm not telling you anything you don't
already know, but we have to figure out what is
the proper way to move forward and have some control
over the phones. And so if you're a parent or
(49:10):
you're a boss, and you have to I told my
team when they walk into my building, they had to
turn their phone in. They could not use the cell
phone in brigs. They had to put it on a
charging station outside of my office, so they would have to.
Speaker 3 (49:25):
Say hi to me.
Speaker 4 (49:26):
And then when they were in the locker room, they
were present with their teammates, they were out, they were
establishing relationships, they were actually listening and hearing. I do
think everybody, including myself, needed to get a slap in
the face or a kick in the butt to listen better. Yes,
(49:49):
and it means stay pressed. I mean, these these chapters
are all tied in, so you can't listen better if
you're not present because you're worried about the past or
worried about the future.
Speaker 3 (49:58):
So so I made.
Speaker 4 (50:01):
My players put their phone down, and you would think
I had stabbed them that they cried they aren't gonna live.
You can't do. I mean, it was amazing the traumas
they were experiencing. And it took about two weeks and
almost the entire teams that thank you, Kathy. The best
(50:24):
thing is And my kin said that to me when
I went out to New York to have dinner with him,
and you know, he had his cell phone and he
so I'm the table and he kept looking at it.
I'm like, no, I came to New York to see you.
Speaker 3 (50:36):
You put that phone away. You're not gonnat.
Speaker 4 (50:39):
I mean, give me two hours and if it's so important,
go to the restroom and look at it there and
then come back. But you know, look at people walking
down the street, people doing selfies. People they're they're not present,
they're not good communicators. You know, we're headed down a scary,
(51:02):
scary road. And I felt as a coach, last teacher,
it was my job to teach communications because it's going backwards.
Speaker 3 (51:12):
Yeah, and it's important for everything, for everything. And you know,
if you're distracted on a phone, like you said, you're
not president. You're in that phone and you're not even
present with yourself too, you know. And if you're in
a team environment and you're on your phone, well get
then you're not connecting. You know. Connection is everything. Connection
(51:34):
is is everything I mean, And that's you know. I
I have a whole talk I did actually on my website.
I have a podcast today. They loaded all the things
that I've done so far onto this page's MD wellnesssoul
Lutions dot com s O U L slash podcast, and
you can see it's the first one. It talks about
(51:55):
community connection and how important it is for health and illness.
And you cannot connect with people if you're on your phone.
And I'm guilty. You know, I actually have a my
calendar on my phone every day at eight o'clock at night,
it says, put the phone down, put on the charter,
remind me to do it. Put your show.
Speaker 4 (52:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (52:19):
So I think that's great, and that is a great lesson.
And let's let's wrap up. We've got three or four
minutes left. Let's talk about demanding equity. You had to
fight Harvard for what was right for you. To tells
little about.
Speaker 4 (52:38):
That, Well, my fight started as a high school teacher
when I graduated, uh from college and went and fight
first teaching and coaching job at Westwood and I arrived
at it and I my parents are always taught me
and my brothers we could all do anything we wanted.
It was we were not traditionally shoved into roles. You know,
(53:02):
you do you want to play sports plam of course.
And so I get to Wesbarn High School as a
coach and there's no practice times, there's no uniforms. I
have no assistant coaches. There was nothing for the girls.
They I had to have my basketball team where handed
down woolen kilts from the field hockey team in the seventies.
(53:24):
I'm like, they can't wear woolen kilts to play basketball.
And I went proper channels and asked the principal and
asbad and asked this, no, no, no no. So I
filed for lawsuits and tell everybody said, you never get
another job, counting you never, You're risking your entire career.
And I think I was clueless, well brave, I'm not sure.
(53:48):
I didn't care. How could you be in an environment
where girls were such second class citizens? And then I
took the job at Harvard because beloved a d there.
I loved him to be really wanted to do the
right thing in a world that wasn't doing the right thing.
(54:09):
You know, he he and he was wonderful. We were
not perfect. And I do feel like forty years that
Harvard was a fight for equity, you know, and the
queen will Will gets the gets the oil and and
and that's what I think we we women. I'm I
wanted to pass the batade to all the young women
I coached, you know, and you have to be the
(54:32):
squeak you will. You have to speak up. You have
to have some courage. You have to We're not there yet.
Speaker 3 (54:39):
We have to keep no, we're going right. If anything,
well we know why, yes we do, but you know it,
really you have to take a stand. I mean, at
some point, you know, just you take a look at
yourself and look at your own value and sometimes you
(55:04):
just have to walk away. You have to say, you
know what, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this
for for this anymore. I'm not you know, I'm not
getting coffee for you. I'm an executive. You know, I'm
not getting coffee for you. I'm not. I mean, you
just have to draw the line. And I think we
need some of our male allies to step up. You
(55:27):
see this crap happening. You need to step up too
and call these people out, you know. And and you
know what the irony is that you know most of these
people have you said, well, what if it was your daughter? Like,
well there's a different story, and it's like, what's wrong
with you?
Speaker 4 (55:45):
It? Really, I will say, I will say, Vanessa, it's
better like I think way back When we started, it
was the men are you're the enemy, and women with
power and we're gonna, you know, ride the soapbox. It's
so much different now. There are not enough, not all,
but there are so many more allies. And I think
(56:08):
all of the people, all of the women especially, but
all the people who are fighting for equity. You have
to do it without treating men as if they're the enemy,
I think, right, And we do some damage when we
don't use them as our allies because I think, yeah,
they need to be educated, they need to have conversations.
Speaker 3 (56:30):
Yeah, well, I mean I think that, you know, it's
not about a group being the enemy. It's generally just
some individuals. And unfortunately there are some women who are
not allies. Yeah, like they got theirs, they got theirs,
and they're going to like stab you in the back
(56:50):
to keep you down because there's not enough space for
more than one of us here as opposed to you know,
giving people a hand up. I mean that's why, I mean,
I admire you so much because you really do support
women cultivating their confidence and and and helping people progress
(57:11):
and become better, more full, more authentic people. And so
thank you, thank you, thank you, so much. I've enjoyed this.
I wish we had more time. But folks, Captain Delanny
Smith and her new book Brita and Wit Empowering Lives
and Leaders. Also Captain del Any Smith dot com if
you want to know more about her, if you want
(57:33):
to book her for an engagement, to speaking engagement or
I don't know, maybe you do, you know, coaching seminars
or camps or whatever. But they can go to your
website to reach out. Thank you, thank you, thank you
so much. I really appreciate you for this.
Speaker 4 (57:52):
So you and Patty doing valuable work.
Speaker 3 (57:55):
Keep it up. Okay, thanks so much, and so see
you next week. Don't miss it. Tina Lifford inter Fitness Kathy,
You'll love this. It's going to be a great show.
It's just Inner Fitness Project. You can check it out.
But I'll be interviewing Tina Lifford, the creator, next week
(58:16):
and that's going to be another great show. Okay, bye everyone,
take care.
Speaker 1 (58:21):
You've been listening to the Patti Conklin Show on healthylife
dot net radio. To listen to it again or share
it with a friend, visit healthylife dot ned podcast on
demand link on our homepage and click on Patti Conklin
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