February 3, 2024 • 47 mins
After a lecture by my son's headmaster wherein children are regarded by the Catholic Church as divine we say that wonderfully influences expectations of our kids which moulds behaviour and self esteem which is one of the main determinants of success in life. Andy my co presenter related this to his own experiences with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. We then segway onto social media which destroys self esteem, social skills , causes depression and dissolves concentration in its frenzy of instant gratification and dopamine hits making us all ADHD. We look at how trauma and behavioural shifts can be passed across generations by epigenetics. We discuss one of the fundamental differences in the thought processes between adults and children. Whereas children combine reality with their imagination and inner self so that anything may seem possible , adults close their minds to reality and stay with their limited set of beliefs and dreams. We summarise that true clarity of mind only exists at two points in life: once when you are born and after you have had good therapy. Enjoy .
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Hello everybody, and welcome to podcastwith THEO and Envy, and today we're
going to talk about childhood trauma andhow it actually impacts our lives and also
how can it compact to children's livesand your children's children's lives. So morning,
THEO, do you want to getstarted on this one? Good morning
and welcome everyone. After a breakin the Reason for Now podcasts, I
(00:26):
thought i'd talk about this today becauseI went to a lecture by the headmaster
of my son's school, and theschool is a Catholic school, and he
said one of the things that Catholicschools do is they view all children as
divine, and that is exactly howthe teachers view your child. And he
(00:48):
said that must be a very goodfeeling for parents, because obviously parents love
their kids more than anything else,and they're giving them to an institution that
regards their kids as divine. Andhe then started talking about the expectations you
have of children, and he saidhe talked about one of the mistakes that
(01:10):
he made because there was a littleboy who tends to misbehave quite a lord
and get ends up in his office. And one day he was giving a
lecture on some aspect of the Bible, and he was many focusing on the
slightly more senior group at the backbecause they seemed to have the most experienced
and understanding of it. And hesaid, at one point, the little
(01:34):
boy put his hand up and hesaid, you know, I must be
I must admit. I was slightlyimpatient. I said, yes, what
do you want? Because I thoughthe was asking to go to the toilet,
But instead he came up with anincredibly deep, interesting interpretation followed by
a question and he said, hesaid, you can bet your life that
(01:56):
if one of the girls at theback in the senior year had asked me
that question, I'd have answered totallydifferently. My expectation was different. So
I had a chat with the headmastermyself and I said, well, people,
behave according to your expectation. Infact, you behave according to your
expectation of yourself. And what thatis is self esteem. Self esteem is
(02:21):
the degree of positivity that you holdabout yourself and the degree of positivity of
success in whatever endeavor you take partin. So, for instance, if
you have a low expectation of yourself, no matter how clever you are,
no matter how good your idea isyou're less likely to actually act, and
(02:43):
if you do act, you're you'renot going to be very positive about it.
Whereas high self esteem people, theytend to act on a lot more
of their ideas and when they act, they are more positive. They expect
to do well. Okay, becausethe Asian community are very much expectance of
their children be very successful in school. Yeah but that's sorry to break it,
but that's different that that's pressure.Okay, There's a big difference because
(03:07):
of course what happens is they thenthey're on top of them and they're then
praise is contingent on success, sothe kids get a lot of criticism as
well. Yeah, but all thissort of does impact Charles behavior, does
it not? I mean, thething is because there's a level of conditioning
to behave in a certain way,because I think, let's say, actually,
let's go to the point of birth. Really, if you wanted,
(03:30):
let's go that far, Yes,we will. But one one finding thing
I said to the the headmaster,which which he said he found really really
interesting, And I said, look, talking about expectation, because this is
a Catholic school, I said,what about prayer? And I said to
him. One of my one ofmy patients was a very devout Muslim resources
(03:51):
scientist, and the he confided inme. He said, look, I
have great difficulty sometimes reconciling my religionwith my science. And I said to
him, well, maybe you're askingthe wrong questions. Give me an example,
sea, well, prayer. Howdoes prayer work, for instance,
because Muslims pray five times a day. So I said to him, well,
(04:12):
do you pray for good things orbad things? And he said good
things. I said, well,there you are, So you are.
You are generating a positive expectation andrepeating good things. So you're doing self
affirmations and developing an expectation that thingswill go your way. That perhaps that's
our pro work. And the headmasterfound that really really interesting. So tell
(04:36):
me about what you were saying aboutgoing back to birth. The thing is,
from the moment a child is born, there will be some sort of
unconscious thoughts that they're actually developed,or unconscious behaviors that they're actually developed,
but not even aware of the amountof love you get from a parent even
from the point of birth. Ordo you feel or do you feel that
(05:00):
you know when the baby's born andthey're not given as much attention. How
does their behavior then translate further onin life? And the thing is,
we're not even actually aware of thesebehavior until much, much, much later
on, because we're not always selfaware of what. We can look at
the symptoms, but we don't actuallyknow the real problem that has actually caused
it. So you've got someone,let's say they they're born, they've got
(05:26):
an alcoholic father, they've got apromiscuous mother for or whatever, you know,
and then that's all they know untilthe age of five. And then
at five, the school puts theminto the system. The government puts them
into the school system. Yeah,by law, Yeah, they've got to
go to they go to nursery,they go to school, and then from
(05:46):
the school they developed their relationships.Now, kids who arrive at the school,
who have probably multiple brothers and sisterswill probably have a very different behavior
to one who's actually been an onlychild who spent the first five years of
their life with their mother. Allright, So the social skill is going
to be very different. And bythe time you've actually got into that school
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classroom, and probably more importantly theplayground, you actually start you actually start
to having you know, it becomesa Serengeti in some ways, and you
actually start to actually feel out whereyou actually fit in. And the thing
is, some people are more abusivementally, some people are physical. So
the thing is you learn to maneuveryour way around those sort of things.
And by the time you actually,let's say you by the time you get
(06:31):
to adulthood, the impact that schoolexperience has had on you will actually have
a huge impact on your self esteemlater on in life. So if you
get slightly broken in the beginning,basically you become lame mentally lame, if
you want to put it in thatway, by the time you actually get
older and that you talked about epigeneticsat one point with me, and you
(06:58):
know, people get more depressed thingslike this, and then what happens is
that is then transferred in the DNAor the epigenetic sort of how do you
put a the change is then transferredto your children, because it's deal with
gray matter as well, isn't itin the brain apparently in terms of depression,
(07:20):
and I mean yes, so soyou're bringing out quite a few different
things there. So what you whatyou mentioned is fractures to self esteem and
then you talked about the mechanism orthe biological mechanism by which that may occur,
and you're you're, you're absolutely correct. So self esteem, First of
(07:42):
all, what is the origin ofself esteem? What the what where does
it come from? The first thingis it can be genetic. In other
words, you get some people withan artificially raised self esteem. Examples of
those are psychopaths and narcissists. Andit's interesting because of course they actually act
(08:05):
on their ideas, which means thata lot of psychopaths analysis are very successful,
and that's why our population of CEOs. Psychopaths are fifty times more representative
amongst the population of CEOs than theyare in the general population. Now,
the thing is, however, thatpsychopaths act on all of their ideas,
(08:28):
not just the good ones, becausethey don't care about law and rules.
So it also means that fifty percentof prisoners are psychopaths. So what differentiates
the average person psychopath in terms ofin terms of self esteem, So an
average person with good self esteem versusa psychopath is that the average personal good
(08:48):
self esteem has their moral and culturaland religious boundaries to their behavior. So,
in other words, they don't dothe stuff that them to trouble,
or at least they do it lessthan the psychopath does. Actually, that's
an interesting thing. So because thething is, there's a couple of other
(09:09):
factors, particular I want to goaway. When you go back to school,
all right, you go to schooland you're not taught in a very
much an auditory fashion, all right, So you'll have children with let's say
ADHD. Hypothetically they can't sit stillin a classroom. And the thing is,
people with ADHD, if they dosomething they enjoy, they are hyper
(09:31):
focused. But if they're not goodat a certain particular subject, they lose
interest in learning because they're not learningit in the way that they can experience
it. There Because they could potentiallybe very kinesthetical learners, which means they
have to get their hands on,they have to get their hands dirty.
That's how they understand, that's howthey learn. But you're putting someone who's
(09:52):
a kinesthetic learner against an audiary learner. An audinary learner is always going to
do better because in some way,auditory learners and people who actually follow systems
and rules, they tend to conformto the system a lot better, which
which means they go into the average, you know, the average of the
population. So the people with ADHDand other sort of I wouldn't say mental
(10:15):
because they're not mental disorders. They'remeant they are their brains work, whether
it's faster, they're more creative.Neurodivergence they call it. There you go,
there you go. Thank you forthe technical word on that. Now.
I mean, that's interesting what you'resaying there, because kinesthetic actually they
they part of the reason for thatis they require stimulation, that's right.
(10:37):
So I remember taking my son toan not social therapist be they ditually and
and the therapist said, we don'thave equipment big enough here, and I
thought, what are you talking about? And what they meant is equipment big
enough to allow him to really getin and get himself stimulated. So,
for instance, they'll say, don'tgive you some plass the scene, give
(11:00):
your son a hard putty because thatgives them more stimulation. And its wife.
For instance, they use weighted blanketsor even weighted animals, and they
put them on there. But thethat you're right, because if they are
at a disadvantage in the current setting, then their self esteem goes down and
and and they also do, particularlyif you test them. And the thing
(11:22):
is they they are. They aretaking the mark that they get in that
in that classroom, compare and theyand and as you do, because because
when they actually calculate who gets what, people start measuring each other against other
people. So you start comparing yourselfto others, and you don't compare yourself
to be and if you conform andyou're or you're forced to conform, either
(11:43):
become if you lose your self esteem. And the thing is all their talents
and their abilities and and and andsome people call them superpowers. I suppose
within themselves they get they get subdued, they get hidden, they get they
get pushed down. You know thatwe don't want disruptive kids in a classroom.
We want we want conformists because conformistsgo and become the workers. So
(12:05):
so those type of people are theoutliers of this world. Well, that's
right, and and that's that's allpotential outliers. They are the potentiole with
dyslexia as well or as another.So it's not to say there is a
dyslexia, even probably dyspraxia to thegreat. So focusing on one thing at
a time. So the the ADHDpeople, You're right, the the the
(12:26):
in the current system, unless reasonableadjustments, as the law calls it,
are made, they are at asignificant disadvantage. And the irony is that
ADHD people are usually very clever,and furthermore, because they're thinking all the
time, they they are very goodlateral thinkers and very creative. And one
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of the requirements for success in lifehas been shown to be creativity. But
the difficulty is success requires activity andconsistency, and of course ADHD people have
great difficulty being consistent. That's correct. And indeed, the other group of
people who are very creative are thebipolar people, the people who go manic.
(13:13):
They they also shoot off and canbe very creative, but the same
the same difficulty with them is aboutbeing consistent. However, because their mood
cycles, then they they have astab at being consistent when their mood goes
back to what they call you thymiannormal mood. But then, of course
a lot of them become depressed.But such is the power of their creativity
that a lot of bipolar people arewilling to weather the storm of going into
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depression because they are so creative.When they're high so so, and that's
like the dopamine fix because if they'recreative, when they're enjoying it, they're
going to it's going to create adopamine because it is your pleasure and you're
transmitted, right, which is why, which is why, which, which
is why an adish deep person isis usually black and white. At school,
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they're either terrible at something if they'renot interested, or brilliant of it.
And of course it's why a lotof ADHC people do well at sports
because sports are stimulating and a lotof ADHD people, if you, if
they come and see me, alot of them will be marathon run as
swimmers, basketball players simply or evendancers simply because the physicality raised their opening.
(14:26):
And and also they they tend tojust have more energy as a whole,
which is why they can't sit still. So but the thing is when
that when energy gets subdued by asystem that is it's it's actually very confusing
for them. Well that's that's thethe very confusing weld to live in.
Sometimes it is. I mean,I mean I've got ADHD and my my
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my wife is super super organized,and we have our challenges because the thing
is, there's part of me thatwants to be able to run really,
you know, have a lot morespace to run in. And then them's
you know, m and my wifeis constrained by you know, I'm thinking
about the creativit creativity. And thething is she's thinking about the system.
(15:11):
And the thing is, I'm noteven at the system stage. So when
she explains something to me, allI want to steps one and two and
then I'll think about step three andfour later on. You're just not interested,
Yeah, not interesting three. Andthe thing is she has to almost
feel as though for her to tellme the whole process, she has to
go from A to A to Z, all right. And the thing is
she goes in order, whereas peoplewith ADHD probably c A and then they
(15:35):
see D and then they see Gand then they see Z and they come
back to A again and connect theirdots in very different ways. So what
does what effect does ritlin have onyou? It's it does keep you focused,
It does focus you, but itdoes good. It does demure creativity
because it makes you more focused.Wrong, because yeah, because it does
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make you more focused, do youfeel Calma. No. The thing is
it's a really hard. It's arittling in this day and age is actually
a really hard one because you alsogot to look at the diet around you.
If you're actually eating out or whatever, and whatever chemicals or whatever stuff
they use in food, you don'tknow the count how that's going to count
(16:19):
to rittling. To give you anexample, you know, I think when
I first put on it, Iwasn't told well, actually, you know,
actually there's a guy called Andrew Hubermanwho's a neuroscientist who someone I listened
to, and he talked about forexample, if you drink coffee, it
raises your dopamine two and a halftimes, sex two and a half times,
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it raises it. If you havea nicotine, it raised it to
you know, if you have cocaine, it raises it. If you have
rittlin like an amphetamine like that,it's ten times. So the thing is
so, if it's so, ifyou actually get the balance to get you
to the baseline of what society is, but you have an extra two cups
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of coffee, maybe a nicotine vapewhich is quite high in nicotine and things
like this, all of a suddenyou've actually you're overloading the dopamine that you
should really have and sometimes you cancrash a lot harder. Well, that's
right, and that's that's exactly whyit needs to be very careful explained to
people. And actually doctors and psicatrasare not very good at that. It
(17:27):
is I'm sorry. It's not thatI don't think they're good at it.
The thing is, if you reallyhad to, if you actually really had
to follow the whole set of instructions, a doctor would be a GP would
be with you for and you know, an hour a visit rather than twenty
minutes. Well, that's right.Anyway, you need the specialists to tell
you. But even then specialists don'ttell you. So that I mean that
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most specialists simply don't. If theydo, they don't tell the patient.
They don't really understand the concept ofthe range. In other words, I'll
give you an example. One motherwas telling me my son, I think
he needs a bigger dose, butthe specially said he wants to keep the
bigger dose in reserve for next year. And I said to her, that's
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nonsense. Your son needs to beon the correct dose, neither too little
nor too much. Because you're thedopamine for everyone needs to be in the
normal range. If it's too low, you've got ADHD. If it's too
high, you're overstimulated. It needsto be in the normal range. And
most doctors don't get it. Andthen especially if they don't get that,
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they're not going to tell you,by the way, don't take any other
stimulants because if you do, you'regoing to push your dope, meaning above
the normal range. Again, sowhat I tell people is, look,
if you're going to take it,be aware of what you want the structure
of your day to be. Ifyou want to take your coffee, then
by all means, when you're adjustingthe dose what they call tight trating,
stepping the dose up, make sureyou're having your coffee as well, so
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that nothing changes to your normal routine. And interestingly, did you know being
in LOFE is a hyper dopamine step. And again I think that's why when
a relationship breaks down, the crashis that much harder, that much harder.
But it's it's interesting how people whoare in love either don't need their
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writtling or they need less writtling becauseof their high dopamine. Now, the
other problem is, of course,if you're seeking stimulation all the time.
The more dopamine you seek, thelower your serotonins, so the more depressed
you get. And that brings usonto social media, because social media is
all about instant stimulation and instant hits. And what's even worse about it is
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that people get more of a stimulationby talking about themselves. And so if
you're on scrolling and getting little hitsall the time, because the algorithms are
designed specifically to keep you online allthe time because they have to sell their
advertising, that's how they make theirmoney, what happens is you're getting dopamine
little hits constantly, which means you'retiring out your dopamine receptors. They're being
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overloaded, so they become desensitized.So as soon as you come off that
social media, you're effectively dopamine deficient. You effectively become ADHD also go on
further. People think it's going onsocial media. It's not just going on
social media. It's actually from themoment you wake up. I mean you
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actually ask yourself how many people outthere the first thing they do when they
wake up is to go for theirphone or open up their laptop, and
those are a little dopamine spikes,you know, subtle ones that we don't
actually realize. And actually, soit's not just substances, but in fact,
I probably wondn't even call it evenalcohol addiction or anything, and actually
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call them dopamine addictions. They're alldopamine addictions. And the thing is it's
bad people find in the balance.But I mean going back to the whole
school thing, because we've digressed alittle bit and gone into into that.
If you are, if you arein school and you're not socializing particularly well
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with certain people, it could evenbe one kid in that classroom who will,
actually who's a bit more oupha thanyou, will have an impact on
how other people treat you. That'sgoing to cause self worth issues. And
the thing is you may even moveon in life and get a job and
things like that, but that subconscious, subconscious mind holds onto that. So
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what we're talking about, you seewhat you see because that's trauma, well
it is, But so it's interestingbecase of course trauma is right, you
know, it's a nebulous term.We understand the post traumatic stress disorder,
which is an extreme stress or resultingin terror and loss of control, but
then there is there is should wecall it lesser traumas, and indeed you
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might even just call it miss understanding. In otherwise, if someone says something
to you and you misunderstand it,and you take it to be in a
slightly negative way, then you incorporatethat. And of course the earlier that
happens, so below the age ofseven, then almost anything someone tells you
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can have a complete sea change inthe way you perceive yourself. I wasn't
any thing about the gestes pray justgiving me a child until the age of
seven, I'll give you the man. Well, that is because kids' brains
are in the feet away, whichis the same as dream sleep. It
means you can access their opinions withlogic. Now that you can change a
kid's opinion by telling them something logically, as an adult, you can't do
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it. You cannot influence emotion withlogic or it's exceptionally hard. What you
can do is, of course,is influence emotion with different emotion, But
you can't do it with logic.And of course, the reason why,
for instance, severe traumas can affectyour self esteem is because it is it
(23:03):
causes an intense emotion which then canrupture your self esteem. Let me ask
you, actually, let me askyou something else. I don't even know
if there's a medical term for it, but it's just it's just it's just
a thought that's just coming. Wouldthere be something involved which is called like
trauma stacking? Let me explain.Let me explain how so you've had a
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trauma. You don't realize the traumabecause you don't know you don't know where
the sympt You know what the symptomis, but you don't know what the
real problem is. All right.That symptom leads you to make certain decisions
and behave in a certain way.If you make a bad decision based on
the trauma you've had before, Let'slet's go down there. Let's let's say
you come out and army. Youcome out of the army. You've been
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to Afghanistan. You've got some postraumaticstress disorder, all right, and you
join the army because you wanted tobe part of a group because as a
child you didn't make many friends,and you're in any child whatever whatever the
reaon, and it's all stacking,all this traum. Stand, So you
make a decision, you go toAfghanistan, which is which is just a
further trigger or reinforcement of the traumayou actually had. First of all,
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then you make a decision like I'mgoing to start taking alcohol because it makes
me feel better. So now you'rethinking, oh my god, I'm an
alcoholic, and which is a resultfrom the trauma, but also a result
from maybe the childhood. So you'restacking the traumas all alone, so it's
not I mean, and then yourbehaviors are going, you know, so
you make decisions that you're making baddecisions because you're making the bad decisions on
(24:36):
how you felt or your identity asa child. You're giving a you're giving
a corporate name to to common sense. Once you understand the real fundamental something
works, you're right because because clearly, if your behavior is influenced by something,
you're going to behave differently and thenyou're going to have different results from
(24:56):
that different behavior. So you're absolutelycorrect. It can then get worse and
worse and worse, which is whichis why I say one of the purposes
of therapy is to achieve clarity ofmind, and therefore I always say you
only have clarity of mind twice inyour life, once when you're born,
and once after very good therapy thatyou're motivated to do. But the thing
(25:22):
is, it's interesting because how doyou know you've actually got a good therapy?
You're actually getting good therapy? Imean now if you don't, so
the thing because the thing is,let's face it, we are totally conditioned
to rely on a on a governmentalsystem or an ideological system based on someone
else's thoughts. You don't. Butbut there is something on your side,
(25:45):
and that is that when I saygood therapy, it doesn't always have to
depend on therapist. It depends onthe patient you. So what they found
out is success of therapy also dependson how much you like and respect your
(26:07):
therapist. And to summarize it,what a lot of research are shown is
that how do you process your traumas? What is processing? It means come
to understand so that you can filethem away in your brain. And often
it's talking about it, it's thinkingabout it, it's writing about it.
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Because one of the one of theproblems, of course with misunderstandings with things
that upset you or cause trauma,is the brain does anything to avoid or
reduce anxiety. So if there's anunpleasant feeling about something, you will automatically
subconsciously suppress it and you'll never processit. But what happens there is you
(26:53):
get left with this uncomfortable sensation.And what discomfort is is stress, and
that raises cortisol. Well, actually, let me give you an example.
That's something happened to me recently withAmma, your wife. Yes, my
wife. So she's got a problemwith being on time, all right,
like a lot of people, THEO, we've got a problem being on time,
(27:17):
all right. So she's genuinely latefor certain things. Now, I'm
someone who's very, very punctual,alright, And in fact, I actually
I actually get there early, andI get there early because I realized that
when I'm late, the later Iam, the more stressed I become.
That stress go a spiking quartersole.That quartersole then makes me unhappy, It
(27:38):
makes me stress, it makes meanxious, and then my behavior is I
snap. And the person who's mademe late in this case probably my wife.
Whereas she's probably planned her whole journeyto a tea by well whatever man,
and she's probably paid an hour beforehand, whereas I'm probably quite a spontaneous
(28:00):
person. But I know that thereaboutI've got a big half an hour early,
not to you know, to allowfor any variables, but that I
think that's you because most people theyare late, but you've you've responded by
being overly early because it's that andit could be well, it could be
because that's also level of conditioning.It's conditioning in the in the school,
(28:21):
it's conditioning in the army, it'sconditioning when you sit down at the dinner
table, and you know there's alevel. There's a level of conditioning and
all that sort of stuff as well. Though well, the sense of the
sense of lack of control that youfeel is is is sublimated slightly by by
compensating by being early and on time. That's right, because you're not in
(28:42):
control, because if someone's late,you're not in control of time anymore.
That's it. But you you tryand increase your sense of control by turning
up on time, which then makesyou doubly furious if someone else is not
on time because you it's you've hadto go to that much much more effort
to beyond that feeling control, becauseI don't want to reach the point where
(29:03):
I'm actually stressed of being rushing toget late somewhere, because then I'm not
thinking straight. So so the thingis, your emotions go higher when you're
late, because you're more emotional,and therefore you can't think rationally. And
then because you're more emotional, thenyou're more susceptible to more aggressive emotions,
(29:26):
I suppose, because your impulse controlis lower, and you're that's right,
your frustration inexcit. But just thatone act of being late is created and
has created a domino effect to leadto my behavior later on if you actually
break it down into Okay, I'mnow stressed, I'm now annoyed. This
(29:48):
is my behavior, this is myresponse, and then you think, actually,
I'm a really bad person. Thething is when I explain that to
to my wife as it's actually it'sactually coming and rationally, and you don't
do it at the time because it'snot it's not it's not it's not,
it's not beneficial and you so,well, actually you did this all right
(30:10):
when you're late, and this iswhat this is the effect that it causes
me. And when she actually understandsthat, she now is making more of
a conscious effort to be on time. That's good, but it's with other
there's other things as well. That'snot the only thing. But you can't
address these issues until you actually understandthem. And people don't always understand the
reason, because have you ever askedyourself, actually, why do I get
(30:30):
upset for her being late? BecauseI just don't like late? Well,
no, that's the that's the that'sthe that's the cause of it. The
final result isn't it. But oncewe figure out that you're putting extra effort
in to being early, not evenon time, but early, which then
gives you back a sense of control. In the topsy turvy ADHD world you
(30:53):
live in, it's doubly frustrating,true, quadruplely frustrating if someone else is
like because that your your fragile holdof sense of control then gets dispersed and
goes up in smoking. If youdon't have control, we get you know,
stressed. It's you know, it'sit's it's a difficult one and I
(31:14):
actually I feel sorry for kids inschool. I don't even know that's the
best. I mean, actually it'sall changed as well, though they're teaching
them in smaller segments. Ten minutesegments are one kid stage because the attention
span that we actually had probably onehundred, one hundred and fifty years ago.
Is it is not anywhere near thatnow. Well, it's the instant
gratification society, isn't it. Andthe thing is that's causing it's causing huge
(31:40):
impact on everybody's behavior. But worse, as I said, hugely since computers,
tablets, mobile phones, social media, YouTube with all its shorts ticked,
with all the the YouTube clips shorts, TikTok shorts, they they actually
should be banned, they should beoutlawed. It should be. It is
(32:02):
a form of psychological abuse. AuthorTikTok was actually created by Chinese neuroscientists apparently,
and actually TikTok has actually banned inIndia. It is bad, and
quite rightly so. The in fact, depression used to be the fifth commonest
cause of illness and death twenty totwenty five years ago. It has now
become the commonest. And in additionto a society that doesn't suit us humans
(32:30):
is the rise of social media andthese constant dopamine hits which then, as
we explained, drops you soturn itmakes you depressed, and not just that,
but of course it's the it's thecomparison to others, and it's the
sense of inadequacy where you you thinkeveryone else is living in a ideal,
perfect world, where it's actually no, they're just as miserable as you are.
(32:53):
They're just pretending. But it's interestingthough, we've become more miserable.
And then the thing is that's youknow, I meant going into a political
direction for a second. We're haavingtowards globalization, all right, And if
you actually look back, we alllived in tribes. Yeah, we were
strong as a tribe. We werestrong as a community, whether you know,
(33:15):
at one point and over over,over time we've been divided. We've
been divided from our family. We'vegone from the tribe to the extended family,
from the extended family to the nuclearfamily. Now you're even looking at
single parenthood as so let's let's holdthat sort of thought for a second,
(33:37):
because that is a completely different subject. However, it is awesome, now
it's not. I'll tell you why, let me finish. So, so
what's happened is that if we arepack animals, we are now being separated
from our pack and learn to belike individuals. And we're operating as individuals
(33:58):
all the time, we're not thinkingin terms of what's best for my tribe,
or what's best for my family,or what's best for this it's what's
best for me because we're all beingseparated. We're moving abroad, we're moving
to London to get a job fromfrom well, whatever it is we are.
We are gradually being in the separatedand that actually impacts your behavior,
particularly when you've actually been brought upin a a in a more secure manner.
(34:24):
So now you're not secure anymore becausenow you're more stressed as a whole
because you're having to do it aloneas opposed to do it as part of
the focusing, but focusing on thesubject matter. So you're in terms of
you're right. In terms of socialmedia, there are two things going on.
There is the obsession with yourself,which of course then stop makes you
(34:47):
less liable to be tribal and ofcourse if kids getting early on, they
don't learn to socialize properly. Andthen there is also the mass narrative.
In other words, the because ofcourse with social media is global, so
therefore there's always the mass narrative goingon, which which demands compliance. So
(35:09):
most people will comply with a massnarrative, because that's how we are hardwired.
We are hardwired to be influenced andand and comply with with with with
the rules from senior superiors, withthe with the with the mass opinion and
narrative. Multiple experience have shown that. And again, for instance, in
(35:30):
the in the summer, I wasin this beautiful Greek island and we were
at a dinner party and I wentinto check on the kids halfway through dinner,
and you know what they were doing. All six kids were sitting on
tablets and mobile phones instead of playingwith each other. I mean, shocking,
(35:53):
absolutely shocking. That's what I mean. That we've we've been told to
afraid, we've been conditioned. Ifeel we've been conditioned to operate alone because
as a group, people are partof the group are harder the control.
But we're going on to I know, disciplined. I know because ADHD tails
(36:14):
you to drive you away. Butbecause that is a different thing altogether,
and of course we will talk aboutthat another time. But the key thing
therefore is therefore our self esteem isbeing attacked all the time by comparison to
the ideal on social media and thepressure, and then we're being made to
(36:36):
feel low and mooved and depressed andhelpless without realizing, of course, that
it's social media that's doing it tous again. And remember, the more
pleasure you seek, the less happyyou are. So you keep on doing
it, seeking more and more andmore. And that's how addicts act,
you know, cocaine that alcohol,alcoholics, they you need a much bigger
(36:57):
hit to get the same effect.Thing is, I'm can I ask you
actually, let me ask you aquestion, because society looks at alcoholics and
drug addicts and things like that,they see them like losers. In some
ways, we dismiss them, youknow, as a problem. They have
a problem. So do you notfeel that sometimes that they're actually self medicating?
What could be? But you seeagain that's that's I'm not saying it's
(37:20):
the right medication, because the thingis it's not. They're they're you know,
there are some people are over doingit. That's why they call self
medication because self medication is usually notcorrect. But that's that's part of the
problem of of of living in ameritocracy. So the thing with a meritocracy
is that people take people are seento be they don't actually take responsibility.
(37:44):
But they're seen to be responsible fortheir level of success. So for instance,
if someone is incredibly successful, wewe admire them and laud them and
and have them as a role modeland have them influence us in any way
that they wish. No matter whatmodaddy's success it is, whether it's Bono
or whether it's Djokovitz, or orwhether it's a politician, or whether it's
(38:09):
a film actor, or if theydon't do well, then there also seem
to be responsible and we call thema loser. So the society is full
of winners and losers and the massit's interesting not realizing that most of it
is luck. Yeah, but yes, but it's interesting because we don't actually
sort of say, actually, howdo we really define success? Because the
(38:31):
thing is we're defining success by whatthe system is saying, or what society
is saying that we need to goand work sixty eight hours a week.
So that's that's another huge topic ofGame's back to the So the kids with
ADHD so and what's interesting, ofcourse is that if you're a person,
(38:52):
if you're a person with ADHD andyou're on social media, that's going to
make your ADHD infinitely worse. Andin fact, one of my patients recently
he said, I stopped adia.I stopped social media for seven days now,
six seven days, and I feelmuch better. I feel calmer,
And in fact the same with myson. I just stopped him using YouTube,
(39:16):
and that we had we had himon YouTube, and then we put
him on YouTube kids, and thenI stopped it all together because the algorithm
on YouTube is merciless. It isdesigned to shock you, which because shock
is a greater stimulation than simply somethinggood and nice and interesting. And that's
(39:37):
why fake news travels more six timesquicker in social media than the real news.
So social media is evil and shouldbe banned in almost every single respect.
And one of the things I tellpatients going back to self esteem is
no parent wants their kid to beon medication today. Why should they?
(40:00):
You want your kid to be healthyand thriving and happy. But I tell
parents, look, self esteem isone of the most important factors in success
in life. Do you want yourchild to grow up being given an expectation
that they're going to do badly,that they're going to fail, that they
(40:21):
are different in a bad way,or do you want them to develop normally
and build up their self esteem andhave success experiences. Yeah, you've got
to consider that. There's a lotof other factors, particularly when we feed
our kids from a young age,I mean, particularly when we used to
give them cereal and things like this. You've got to consider the hormone that
(40:42):
all the diet and all the stuffthat they eat, and all the particularly
all the process stuff, and eventhe water has probably got estrogen and chemicals
in it to keep it clean soyou can drink it from the town that's
been well researched. Yeah. Yeah, these will all of course hormonal imbalances,
not just that, but chemical sowhich affects which affects a child's production
(41:04):
or activity. It affects all thesethings, and we don't we ignore that.
You know, it's easy to actuallygive them a sugar spike. Well,
well that's the thing. So artificialcolorings and e numbers are very bad
for ADHD. And you're right,sugar also makes them go over the top
hyper So if an average child goesover the top piper with sugar, an
(41:27):
ADHD child will will just go gointo orbit. So you're absolutely correct.
So the first thing to do is, depending on the degree of ADHD,
you don't immediately go from medication.You look at what else is going on.
You look at can I improve thediet. Can I help them learn
(41:51):
to concentrate, because concentration is ahabit. If you never develop it,
then it's going to be hard toconcentrate. Give them more exercise, because
if you're talking about all these kidsbeing on tablets, mobile phones and everything,
they're sitting down, there's no theonly reward is what's on their screen.
That's right. They don't get toappreciate the And the thing is,
again, because they're not getting intothe habit of exercising and moving around and
(42:12):
things like this, they're not againexercise that should be enough to give you
a dopamine spikes that you're not getting. But then the thing is you can't
carry on doing it. That's theproblem. So depending on the degree of
your ADHD, Yes, you're right, you know, so at school they
ADHD kids are given play breaks,but you know, there's only a certain
(42:32):
amount of playbreaks you can take whilstremaining a functional member of the class.
Now, we did mention and itis unbelievably important that self awareness and understanding
that that gives you is the mainroute to clarity of mind. So what
(42:58):
is clarity of mind. It meansthat you're able to see things as they
are without being influenced by misunderstandings andtraumas from the past, so that you
can make the best decisions for yourselfand others. And very few people have
that because almost everything we do isemotional ninety eight percent. Therefore, by
definition, almost nothing we do isactually good for us, because an emotional
(43:22):
decision is very unlikely to be goodfor us. So therefore, research has
shown that even writing about difficulties,not traumas, but just difficulties that you've
gone through in your life will leadto you being healthier mentally and physically your
ECG, your blood pressure will bebetter, and comgnitatively you'll do better at
(43:43):
school or university. So self journalingis very good for you. Talking it
through with a therapist again, it'ssomeone who lets you talk and that you
enjoy talking with is essential. Andif you have so severe trauma that you
can't do it it's too painful,then you need to formal trauma therapy.
(44:06):
And what's really interesting is I waswondering, is there a mechanism by which
our DNA can be damaged, andof course stress raises cortisol. And one
of the ways that our DNA isaffected is methylation, So methylations where you
stick methyl groups onto your DNA,and that affects your gene expression, and
(44:27):
that's epigenetics. In other words,your genes aren't changed, but your expression
is, and that can be transferredfrom one generation to the next. They
did to study with pregnant women,so women who go through trauma, they
will pass epigenetic changes via methylation ontheir chromosomes to their offspring. In fact,
(44:47):
actually probably I think the best exampleas a metaphor I actually heard,
I actually saw ones and I readit was imagine you've got a paragraph of
written words. And what the epigeneticsdoes is actually doesn't change the DNA,
which is the all the words.But what it does change is you're now
(45:07):
changing the full stops and the commasin different places, so it reads differently.
Yes, even though the DNA isthe same, what it does is
read it reads. It changed thetone of your behavior, if that makes
sense. And make no mistake,I'm going to be absolutely clear. Methylation
is major because your gene expression iseverything. It doesn't matter if you've got
(45:30):
great genes if you're not expressing them. And another example, for instance,
what they found is rats who weregiven a cocaine addiction had that addictive behavior
abolished by demethylation of their DNA demethylation. So therefore methylation has vast effects
(45:52):
global effects on our behavior and ourhealth and behavior. For instance, warlike
nations. Yep, there are warlike nations because epigenetically they have behaved in
that way. Spartans. Yeah,let me so, let me ask so,
let me met wrap up now,yeah, so let me ask you
this. Oh sorry, I lostmy trail of thoughts. Actually, oh
(46:14):
no, it's actually so if youif you want so. For example,
let's say as a family, youwant to have a child, all right,
it's almost worth taking them away fora year, going away for a
year and living a very clean life, no alcohol, no cigarette, get
your body in shape and everything beforeyou even think about having a kid,
which will have an impact on onon on how your child's going to come
(46:37):
out, because I mean, let'sface it's someone who's overweight who has a
child, that child's going to actuallyinherit a lot of fatty cells and things
like that, which makes it hardof them to lose weight, yes,
later on, because you're that's thephysical, the physical hormones and chemicals and
whatever you've got in your system you'repassing on to your child, which is
why, which is why you shouldn'tyou know, take drugs or drink alcohol
(47:02):
whilst you're pregnant. And ideally youknow, as you say yourself three time
before as well, just have ayear beforehand to actually sort of clean up
your your your body actually if youwant to be really serious about having a
healthy kid in some ways, justa just a thought. Anyway, Look,
we could go into so many differenttopics now, guys, but thank
you very much for listening, andhopefully we'll expand on this and maybe go
(47:27):
in a direction later on. Thankyou, thanks for listening. Everyone bybe
Hello everybody, and welcome to podcastwith THEO and Envy, and today we're
going to talk about childhood trauma andhow it actually impacts our lives and also
how can it compact to children's livesand your children's children's lives. So morning,
THEO, do you want to getstarted on this one? Good morning
and welcome everyone. After a breakin the Reason for Now podcasts, I
(00:26):
thought i'd talk about this today becauseI went to a lecture by the headmaster
of my son's school, and theschool is a Catholic school, and he
said one of the things that Catholicschools do is they view all children as
divine, and that is exactly howthe teachers view your child. And he
(00:48):
said that must be a very goodfeeling for parents, because obviously parents love
their kids more than anything else,and they're giving them to an institution that
regards their kids as divine. Andhe then started talking about the expectations you
have of children, and he saidhe talked about one of the mistakes that
(01:10):
he made because there was a littleboy who tends to misbehave quite a lord
and get ends up in his office. And one day he was giving a
lecture on some aspect of the Bible, and he was many focusing on the
slightly more senior group at the backbecause they seemed to have the most experienced
and understanding of it. And hesaid, at one point, the little
(01:34):
boy put his hand up and hesaid, you know, I must be
I must admit. I was slightlyimpatient. I said, yes, what
do you want? Because I thoughthe was asking to go to the toilet,
But instead he came up with anincredibly deep, interesting interpretation followed by
a question and he said, hesaid, you can bet your life that
(01:56):
if one of the girls at theback in the senior year had asked me
that question, I'd have answered totallydifferently. My expectation was different. So
I had a chat with the headmastermyself and I said, well, people,
behave according to your expectation. Infact, you behave according to your
expectation of yourself. And what thatis is self esteem. Self esteem is
(02:21):
the degree of positivity that you holdabout yourself and the degree of positivity of
success in whatever endeavor you take partin. So, for instance, if
you have a low expectation of yourself, no matter how clever you are,
no matter how good your idea isyou're less likely to actually act, and
(02:43):
if you do act, you're you'renot going to be very positive about it.
Whereas high self esteem people, theytend to act on a lot more
of their ideas and when they act, they are more positive. They expect
to do well. Okay, becausethe Asian community are very much expectance of
their children be very successful in school. Yeah but that's sorry to break it,
but that's different that that's pressure.Okay, There's a big difference because
(03:07):
of course what happens is they thenthey're on top of them and they're then
praise is contingent on success, sothe kids get a lot of criticism as
well. Yeah, but all thissort of does impact Charles behavior, does
it not? I mean, thething is because there's a level of conditioning
to behave in a certain way,because I think, let's say, actually,
let's go to the point of birth. Really, if you wanted,
(03:30):
let's go that far, Yes,we will. But one one finding thing
I said to the the headmaster,which which he said he found really really
interesting, And I said, look, talking about expectation, because this is
a Catholic school, I said,what about prayer? And I said to
him. One of my one ofmy patients was a very devout Muslim resources
(03:51):
scientist, and the he confided inme. He said, look, I
have great difficulty sometimes reconciling my religionwith my science. And I said to
him, well, maybe you're askingthe wrong questions. Give me an example,
sea, well, prayer. Howdoes prayer work, for instance,
because Muslims pray five times a day. So I said to him, well,
(04:12):
do you pray for good things orbad things? And he said good
things. I said, well,there you are, So you are.
You are generating a positive expectation andrepeating good things. So you're doing self
affirmations and developing an expectation that thingswill go your way. That perhaps that's
our pro work. And the headmasterfound that really really interesting. So tell
(04:36):
me about what you were saying aboutgoing back to birth. The thing is,
from the moment a child is born, there will be some sort of
unconscious thoughts that they're actually developed,or unconscious behaviors that they're actually developed,
but not even aware of the amountof love you get from a parent even
from the point of birth. Ordo you feel or do you feel that
(05:00):
you know when the baby's born andthey're not given as much attention. How
does their behavior then translate further onin life? And the thing is,
we're not even actually aware of thesebehavior until much, much, much later
on, because we're not always selfaware of what. We can look at
the symptoms, but we don't actuallyknow the real problem that has actually caused
it. So you've got someone,let's say they they're born, they've got
(05:26):
an alcoholic father, they've got apromiscuous mother for or whatever, you know,
and then that's all they know untilthe age of five. And then
at five, the school puts theminto the system. The government puts them
into the school system. Yeah,by law, Yeah, they've got to
go to they go to nursery,they go to school, and then from
(05:46):
the school they developed their relationships.Now, kids who arrive at the school,
who have probably multiple brothers and sisterswill probably have a very different behavior
to one who's actually been an onlychild who spent the first five years of
their life with their mother. Allright, So the social skill is going
to be very different. And bythe time you've actually got into that school
(06:10):
classroom, and probably more importantly theplayground, you actually start you actually start
to having you know, it becomesa Serengeti in some ways, and you
actually start to actually feel out whereyou actually fit in. And the thing
is, some people are more abusivementally, some people are physical. So
the thing is you learn to maneuveryour way around those sort of things.
And by the time you actually,let's say you by the time you get
(06:31):
to adulthood, the impact that schoolexperience has had on you will actually have
a huge impact on your self esteemlater on in life. So if you
get slightly broken in the beginning,basically you become lame mentally lame, if
you want to put it in thatway, by the time you actually get
older and that you talked about epigeneticsat one point with me, and you
(06:58):
know, people get more depressed thingslike this, and then what happens is
that is then transferred in the DNAor the epigenetic sort of how do you
put a the change is then transferredto your children, because it's deal with
gray matter as well, isn't itin the brain apparently in terms of depression,
(07:20):
and I mean yes, so soyou're bringing out quite a few different
things there. So what you whatyou mentioned is fractures to self esteem and
then you talked about the mechanism orthe biological mechanism by which that may occur,
and you're you're, you're absolutely correct. So self esteem, First of
(07:42):
all, what is the origin ofself esteem? What the what where does
it come from? The first thingis it can be genetic. In other
words, you get some people withan artificially raised self esteem. Examples of
those are psychopaths and narcissists. Andit's interesting because of course they actually act
(08:05):
on their ideas, which means thata lot of psychopaths analysis are very successful,
and that's why our population of CEOs. Psychopaths are fifty times more representative
amongst the population of CEOs than theyare in the general population. Now,
the thing is, however, thatpsychopaths act on all of their ideas,
(08:28):
not just the good ones, becausethey don't care about law and rules.
So it also means that fifty percentof prisoners are psychopaths. So what differentiates
the average person psychopath in terms ofin terms of self esteem, So an
average person with good self esteem versusa psychopath is that the average personal good
(08:48):
self esteem has their moral and culturaland religious boundaries to their behavior. So,
in other words, they don't dothe stuff that them to trouble,
or at least they do it lessthan the psychopath does. Actually, that's
an interesting thing. So because thething is, there's a couple of other
(09:09):
factors, particular I want to goaway. When you go back to school,
all right, you go to schooland you're not taught in a very
much an auditory fashion, all right, So you'll have children with let's say
ADHD. Hypothetically they can't sit stillin a classroom. And the thing is,
people with ADHD, if they dosomething they enjoy, they are hyper
(09:31):
focused. But if they're not goodat a certain particular subject, they lose
interest in learning because they're not learningit in the way that they can experience
it. There Because they could potentiallybe very kinesthetical learners, which means they
have to get their hands on,they have to get their hands dirty.
That's how they understand, that's howthey learn. But you're putting someone who's
(09:52):
a kinesthetic learner against an audiary learner. An audinary learner is always going to
do better because in some way,auditory learners and people who actually follow systems
and rules, they tend to conformto the system a lot better, which
which means they go into the average, you know, the average of the
population. So the people with ADHDand other sort of I wouldn't say mental
(10:15):
because they're not mental disorders. They'remeant they are their brains work, whether
it's faster, they're more creative.Neurodivergence they call it. There you go,
there you go. Thank you forthe technical word on that. Now.
I mean, that's interesting what you'resaying there, because kinesthetic actually they
they part of the reason for thatis they require stimulation, that's right.
(10:37):
So I remember taking my son toan not social therapist be they ditually and
and the therapist said, we don'thave equipment big enough here, and I
thought, what are you talking about? And what they meant is equipment big
enough to allow him to really getin and get himself stimulated. So,
for instance, they'll say, don'tgive you some plass the scene, give
(11:00):
your son a hard putty because thatgives them more stimulation. And its wife.
For instance, they use weighted blanketsor even weighted animals, and they
put them on there. But thethat you're right, because if they are
at a disadvantage in the current setting, then their self esteem goes down and
and and they also do, particularlyif you test them. And the thing
(11:22):
is they they are. They aretaking the mark that they get in that
in that classroom, compare and theyand and as you do, because because
when they actually calculate who gets what, people start measuring each other against other
people. So you start comparing yourselfto others, and you don't compare yourself
to be and if you conform andyou're or you're forced to conform, either
(11:43):
become if you lose your self esteem. And the thing is all their talents
and their abilities and and and andsome people call them superpowers. I suppose
within themselves they get they get subdued, they get hidden, they get they
get pushed down. You know thatwe don't want disruptive kids in a classroom.
We want we want conformists because conformistsgo and become the workers. So
(12:05):
so those type of people are theoutliers of this world. Well, that's
right, and and that's that's allpotential outliers. They are the potentiole with
dyslexia as well or as another.So it's not to say there is a
dyslexia, even probably dyspraxia to thegreat. So focusing on one thing at
a time. So the the ADHDpeople, You're right, the the the
(12:26):
in the current system, unless reasonableadjustments, as the law calls it,
are made, they are at asignificant disadvantage. And the irony is that
ADHD people are usually very clever,and furthermore, because they're thinking all the
time, they they are very goodlateral thinkers and very creative. And one
(12:50):
of the requirements for success in lifehas been shown to be creativity. But
the difficulty is success requires activity andconsistency, and of course ADHD people have
great difficulty being consistent. That's correct. And indeed, the other group of
people who are very creative are thebipolar people, the people who go manic.
(13:13):
They they also shoot off and canbe very creative, but the same
the same difficulty with them is aboutbeing consistent. However, because their mood
cycles, then they they have astab at being consistent when their mood goes
back to what they call you thymiannormal mood. But then, of course
a lot of them become depressed.But such is the power of their creativity
that a lot of bipolar people arewilling to weather the storm of going into
(13:39):
depression because they are so creative.When they're high so so, and that's
like the dopamine fix because if they'recreative, when they're enjoying it, they're
going to it's going to create adopamine because it is your pleasure and you're
transmitted, right, which is why, which is why, which, which
is why an adish deep person isis usually black and white. At school,
(14:01):
they're either terrible at something if they'renot interested, or brilliant of it.
And of course it's why a lotof ADHC people do well at sports
because sports are stimulating and a lotof ADHD people, if you, if
they come and see me, alot of them will be marathon run as
swimmers, basketball players simply or evendancers simply because the physicality raised their opening.
(14:26):
And and also they they tend tojust have more energy as a whole,
which is why they can't sit still. So but the thing is when
that when energy gets subdued by asystem that is it's it's actually very confusing
for them. Well that's that's thethe very confusing weld to live in.
Sometimes it is. I mean,I mean I've got ADHD and my my
(14:48):
my wife is super super organized,and we have our challenges because the thing
is, there's part of me thatwants to be able to run really,
you know, have a lot morespace to run in. And then them's
you know, m and my wifeis constrained by you know, I'm thinking
about the creativit creativity. And thething is she's thinking about the system.
(15:11):
And the thing is, I'm noteven at the system stage. So when
she explains something to me, allI want to steps one and two and
then I'll think about step three andfour later on. You're just not interested,
Yeah, not interesting three. Andthe thing is she has to almost
feel as though for her to tellme the whole process, she has to
go from A to A to Z, all right. And the thing is
she goes in order, whereas peoplewith ADHD probably c A and then they
(15:35):
see D and then they see Gand then they see Z and they come
back to A again and connect theirdots in very different ways. So what
does what effect does ritlin have onyou? It's it does keep you focused,
It does focus you, but itdoes good. It does demure creativity
because it makes you more focused.Wrong, because yeah, because it does
(15:58):
make you more focused, do youfeel Calma. No. The thing is
it's a really hard. It's arittling in this day and age is actually
a really hard one because you alsogot to look at the diet around you.
If you're actually eating out or whatever, and whatever chemicals or whatever stuff
they use in food, you don'tknow the count how that's going to count
(16:19):
to rittling. To give you anexample, you know, I think when
I first put on it, Iwasn't told well, actually, you know,
actually there's a guy called Andrew Hubermanwho's a neuroscientist who someone I listened
to, and he talked about forexample, if you drink coffee, it
raises your dopamine two and a halftimes, sex two and a half times,
(16:42):
it raises it. If you havea nicotine, it raised it to
you know, if you have cocaine, it raises it. If you have
rittlin like an amphetamine like that,it's ten times. So the thing is
so, if it's so, ifyou actually get the balance to get you
to the baseline of what society is, but you have an extra two cups
(17:02):
of coffee, maybe a nicotine vapewhich is quite high in nicotine and things
like this, all of a suddenyou've actually you're overloading the dopamine that you
should really have and sometimes you cancrash a lot harder. Well, that's
right, and that's that's exactly whyit needs to be very careful explained to
people. And actually doctors and psicatrasare not very good at that. It
(17:27):
is I'm sorry. It's not thatI don't think they're good at it.
The thing is, if you reallyhad to, if you actually really had
to follow the whole set of instructions, a doctor would be a GP would
be with you for and you know, an hour a visit rather than twenty
minutes. Well, that's right.Anyway, you need the specialists to tell
you. But even then specialists don'ttell you. So that I mean that
(17:48):
most specialists simply don't. If theydo, they don't tell the patient.
They don't really understand the concept ofthe range. In other words, I'll
give you an example. One motherwas telling me my son, I think
he needs a bigger dose, butthe specially said he wants to keep the
bigger dose in reserve for next year. And I said to her, that's
(18:10):
nonsense. Your son needs to beon the correct dose, neither too little
nor too much. Because you're thedopamine for everyone needs to be in the
normal range. If it's too low, you've got ADHD. If it's too
high, you're overstimulated. It needsto be in the normal range. And
most doctors don't get it. Andthen especially if they don't get that,
(18:32):
they're not going to tell you,by the way, don't take any other
stimulants because if you do, you'regoing to push your dope, meaning above
the normal range. Again, sowhat I tell people is, look,
if you're going to take it,be aware of what you want the structure
of your day to be. Ifyou want to take your coffee, then
by all means, when you're adjustingthe dose what they call tight trating,
stepping the dose up, make sureyou're having your coffee as well, so
(18:55):
that nothing changes to your normal routine. And interestingly, did you know being
in LOFE is a hyper dopamine step. And again I think that's why when
a relationship breaks down, the crashis that much harder, that much harder.
But it's it's interesting how people whoare in love either don't need their
(19:15):
writtling or they need less writtling becauseof their high dopamine. Now, the
other problem is, of course,if you're seeking stimulation all the time.
The more dopamine you seek, thelower your serotonins, so the more depressed
you get. And that brings usonto social media, because social media is
all about instant stimulation and instant hits. And what's even worse about it is
(19:38):
that people get more of a stimulationby talking about themselves. And so if
you're on scrolling and getting little hitsall the time, because the algorithms are
designed specifically to keep you online allthe time because they have to sell their
advertising, that's how they make theirmoney, what happens is you're getting dopamine
little hits constantly, which means you'retiring out your dopamine receptors. They're being
(20:03):
overloaded, so they become desensitized.So as soon as you come off that
social media, you're effectively dopamine deficient. You effectively become ADHD also go on
further. People think it's going onsocial media. It's not just going on
social media. It's actually from themoment you wake up. I mean you
(20:26):
actually ask yourself how many people outthere the first thing they do when they
wake up is to go for theirphone or open up their laptop, and
those are a little dopamine spikes,you know, subtle ones that we don't
actually realize. And actually, soit's not just substances, but in fact,
I probably wondn't even call it evenalcohol addiction or anything, and actually
(20:48):
call them dopamine addictions. They're alldopamine addictions. And the thing is it's
bad people find in the balance.But I mean going back to the whole
school thing, because we've digressed alittle bit and gone into into that.
If you are, if you arein school and you're not socializing particularly well
(21:11):
with certain people, it could evenbe one kid in that classroom who will,
actually who's a bit more oupha thanyou, will have an impact on
how other people treat you. That'sgoing to cause self worth issues. And
the thing is you may even moveon in life and get a job and
things like that, but that subconscious, subconscious mind holds onto that. So
(21:36):
what we're talking about, you seewhat you see because that's trauma, well
it is, But so it's interestingbecase of course trauma is right, you
know, it's a nebulous term.We understand the post traumatic stress disorder,
which is an extreme stress or resultingin terror and loss of control, but
then there is there is should wecall it lesser traumas, and indeed you
(21:57):
might even just call it miss understanding. In otherwise, if someone says something
to you and you misunderstand it,and you take it to be in a
slightly negative way, then you incorporatethat. And of course the earlier that
happens, so below the age ofseven, then almost anything someone tells you
(22:18):
can have a complete sea change inthe way you perceive yourself. I wasn't
any thing about the gestes pray justgiving me a child until the age of
seven, I'll give you the man. Well, that is because kids' brains
are in the feet away, whichis the same as dream sleep. It
means you can access their opinions withlogic. Now that you can change a
kid's opinion by telling them something logically, as an adult, you can't do
(22:42):
it. You cannot influence emotion withlogic or it's exceptionally hard. What you
can do is, of course,is influence emotion with different emotion, But
you can't do it with logic.And of course, the reason why,
for instance, severe traumas can affectyour self esteem is because it is it
(23:03):
causes an intense emotion which then canrupture your self esteem. Let me ask
you, actually, let me askyou something else. I don't even know
if there's a medical term for it, but it's just it's just it's just
a thought that's just coming. Wouldthere be something involved which is called like
trauma stacking? Let me explain.Let me explain how so you've had a
(23:26):
trauma. You don't realize the traumabecause you don't know you don't know where
the sympt You know what the symptomis, but you don't know what the
real problem is. All right.That symptom leads you to make certain decisions
and behave in a certain way.If you make a bad decision based on
the trauma you've had before, Let'slet's go down there. Let's let's say
you come out and army. Youcome out of the army. You've been
(23:48):
to Afghanistan. You've got some postraumaticstress disorder, all right, and you
join the army because you wanted tobe part of a group because as a
child you didn't make many friends,and you're in any child whatever whatever the
reaon, and it's all stacking,all this traum. Stand, So you
make a decision, you go toAfghanistan, which is which is just a
further trigger or reinforcement of the traumayou actually had. First of all,
(24:11):
then you make a decision like I'mgoing to start taking alcohol because it makes
me feel better. So now you'rethinking, oh my god, I'm an
alcoholic, and which is a resultfrom the trauma, but also a result
from maybe the childhood. So you'restacking the traumas all alone, so it's
not I mean, and then yourbehaviors are going, you know, so
you make decisions that you're making baddecisions because you're making the bad decisions on
(24:36):
how you felt or your identity asa child. You're giving a you're giving
a corporate name to to common sense. Once you understand the real fundamental something
works, you're right because because clearly, if your behavior is influenced by something,
you're going to behave differently and thenyou're going to have different results from
(24:56):
that different behavior. So you're absolutelycorrect. It can then get worse and
worse and worse, which is whichis why I say one of the purposes
of therapy is to achieve clarity ofmind, and therefore I always say you
only have clarity of mind twice inyour life, once when you're born,
and once after very good therapy thatyou're motivated to do. But the thing
(25:22):
is, it's interesting because how doyou know you've actually got a good therapy?
You're actually getting good therapy? Imean now if you don't, so
the thing because the thing is,let's face it, we are totally conditioned
to rely on a on a governmentalsystem or an ideological system based on someone
else's thoughts. You don't. Butbut there is something on your side,
(25:45):
and that is that when I saygood therapy, it doesn't always have to
depend on therapist. It depends onthe patient you. So what they found
out is success of therapy also dependson how much you like and respect your
(26:07):
therapist. And to summarize it,what a lot of research are shown is
that how do you process your traumas? What is processing? It means come
to understand so that you can filethem away in your brain. And often
it's talking about it, it's thinkingabout it, it's writing about it.
(26:30):
Because one of the one of theproblems, of course with misunderstandings with things
that upset you or cause trauma,is the brain does anything to avoid or
reduce anxiety. So if there's anunpleasant feeling about something, you will automatically
subconsciously suppress it and you'll never processit. But what happens there is you
(26:53):
get left with this uncomfortable sensation.And what discomfort is is stress, and
that raises cortisol. Well, actually, let me give you an example.
That's something happened to me recently withAmma, your wife. Yes, my
wife. So she's got a problemwith being on time, all right,
like a lot of people, THEO, we've got a problem being on time,
(27:17):
all right. So she's genuinely latefor certain things. Now, I'm
someone who's very, very punctual,alright, And in fact, I actually
I actually get there early, andI get there early because I realized that
when I'm late, the later Iam, the more stressed I become.
That stress go a spiking quartersole.That quartersole then makes me unhappy, It
(27:38):
makes me stress, it makes meanxious, and then my behavior is I
snap. And the person who's mademe late in this case probably my wife.
Whereas she's probably planned her whole journeyto a tea by well whatever man,
and she's probably paid an hour beforehand, whereas I'm probably quite a spontaneous
(28:00):
person. But I know that thereaboutI've got a big half an hour early,
not to you know, to allowfor any variables, but that I
think that's you because most people theyare late, but you've you've responded by
being overly early because it's that andit could be well, it could be
because that's also level of conditioning.It's conditioning in the in the school,
(28:21):
it's conditioning in the army, it'sconditioning when you sit down at the dinner
table, and you know there's alevel. There's a level of conditioning and
all that sort of stuff as well. Though well, the sense of the
sense of lack of control that youfeel is is is sublimated slightly by by
compensating by being early and on time. That's right, because you're not in
(28:42):
control, because if someone's late,you're not in control of time anymore.
That's it. But you you tryand increase your sense of control by turning
up on time, which then makesyou doubly furious if someone else is not
on time because you it's you've hadto go to that much much more effort
to beyond that feeling control, becauseI don't want to reach the point where
(29:03):
I'm actually stressed of being rushing toget late somewhere, because then I'm not
thinking straight. So so the thingis, your emotions go higher when you're
late, because you're more emotional,and therefore you can't think rationally. And
then because you're more emotional, thenyou're more susceptible to more aggressive emotions,
(29:26):
I suppose, because your impulse controlis lower, and you're that's right,
your frustration inexcit. But just thatone act of being late is created and
has created a domino effect to leadto my behavior later on if you actually
break it down into Okay, I'mnow stressed, I'm now annoyed. This
(29:48):
is my behavior, this is myresponse, and then you think, actually,
I'm a really bad person. Thething is when I explain that to
to my wife as it's actually it'sactually coming and rationally, and you don't
do it at the time because it'snot it's not it's not it's not,
it's not beneficial and you so,well, actually you did this all right
(30:10):
when you're late, and this iswhat this is the effect that it causes
me. And when she actually understandsthat, she now is making more of
a conscious effort to be on time. That's good, but it's with other
there's other things as well. That'snot the only thing. But you can't
address these issues until you actually understandthem. And people don't always understand the
reason, because have you ever askedyourself, actually, why do I get
(30:30):
upset for her being late? BecauseI just don't like late? Well,
no, that's the that's the that'sthe that's the cause of it. The
final result isn't it. But oncewe figure out that you're putting extra effort
in to being early, not evenon time, but early, which then
gives you back a sense of control. In the topsy turvy ADHD world you
(30:53):
live in, it's doubly frustrating,true, quadruplely frustrating if someone else is
like because that your your fragile holdof sense of control then gets dispersed and
goes up in smoking. If youdon't have control, we get you know,
stressed. It's you know, it'sit's it's a difficult one and I
(31:14):
actually I feel sorry for kids inschool. I don't even know that's the
best. I mean, actually it'sall changed as well, though they're teaching
them in smaller segments. Ten minutesegments are one kid stage because the attention
span that we actually had probably onehundred, one hundred and fifty years ago.
Is it is not anywhere near thatnow. Well, it's the instant
gratification society, isn't it. Andthe thing is that's causing it's causing huge
(31:40):
impact on everybody's behavior. But worse, as I said, hugely since computers,
tablets, mobile phones, social media, YouTube with all its shorts ticked,
with all the the YouTube clips shorts, TikTok shorts, they they actually
should be banned, they should beoutlawed. It should be. It is
(32:02):
a form of psychological abuse. AuthorTikTok was actually created by Chinese neuroscientists apparently,
and actually TikTok has actually banned inIndia. It is bad, and
quite rightly so. The in fact, depression used to be the fifth commonest
cause of illness and death twenty totwenty five years ago. It has now
become the commonest. And in additionto a society that doesn't suit us humans
(32:30):
is the rise of social media andthese constant dopamine hits which then, as
we explained, drops you soturn itmakes you depressed, and not just that,
but of course it's the it's thecomparison to others, and it's the
sense of inadequacy where you you thinkeveryone else is living in a ideal,
perfect world, where it's actually no, they're just as miserable as you are.
(32:53):
They're just pretending. But it's interestingthough, we've become more miserable.
And then the thing is that's youknow, I meant going into a political
direction for a second. We're haavingtowards globalization, all right, And if
you actually look back, we alllived in tribes. Yeah, we were
strong as a tribe. We werestrong as a community, whether you know,
(33:15):
at one point and over over,over time we've been divided. We've
been divided from our family. We'vegone from the tribe to the extended family,
from the extended family to the nuclearfamily. Now you're even looking at
single parenthood as so let's let's holdthat sort of thought for a second,
(33:37):
because that is a completely different subject. However, it is awesome, now
it's not. I'll tell you why, let me finish. So, so
what's happened is that if we arepack animals, we are now being separated
from our pack and learn to belike individuals. And we're operating as individuals
(33:58):
all the time, we're not thinkingin terms of what's best for my tribe,
or what's best for my family,or what's best for this it's what's
best for me because we're all beingseparated. We're moving abroad, we're moving
to London to get a job fromfrom well, whatever it is we are.
We are gradually being in the separatedand that actually impacts your behavior,
particularly when you've actually been brought upin a a in a more secure manner.
(34:24):
So now you're not secure anymore becausenow you're more stressed as a whole
because you're having to do it aloneas opposed to do it as part of
the focusing, but focusing on thesubject matter. So you're in terms of
you're right. In terms of socialmedia, there are two things going on.
There is the obsession with yourself,which of course then stop makes you
(34:47):
less liable to be tribal and ofcourse if kids getting early on, they
don't learn to socialize properly. Andthen there is also the mass narrative.
In other words, the because ofcourse with social media is global, so
therefore there's always the mass narrative goingon, which which demands compliance. So
(35:09):
most people will comply with a massnarrative, because that's how we are hardwired.
We are hardwired to be influenced andand and comply with with with with
the rules from senior superiors, withthe with the with the mass opinion and
narrative. Multiple experience have shown that. And again, for instance, in
(35:30):
the in the summer, I wasin this beautiful Greek island and we were
at a dinner party and I wentinto check on the kids halfway through dinner,
and you know what they were doing. All six kids were sitting on
tablets and mobile phones instead of playingwith each other. I mean, shocking,
(35:53):
absolutely shocking. That's what I mean. That we've we've been told to
afraid, we've been conditioned. Ifeel we've been conditioned to operate alone because
as a group, people are partof the group are harder the control.
But we're going on to I know, disciplined. I know because ADHD tails
(36:14):
you to drive you away. Butbecause that is a different thing altogether,
and of course we will talk aboutthat another time. But the key thing
therefore is therefore our self esteem isbeing attacked all the time by comparison to
the ideal on social media and thepressure, and then we're being made to
(36:36):
feel low and mooved and depressed andhelpless without realizing, of course, that
it's social media that's doing it tous again. And remember, the more
pleasure you seek, the less happyyou are. So you keep on doing
it, seeking more and more andmore. And that's how addicts act,
you know, cocaine that alcohol,alcoholics, they you need a much bigger
(36:57):
hit to get the same effect.Thing is, I'm can I ask you
actually, let me ask you aquestion, because society looks at alcoholics and
drug addicts and things like that,they see them like losers. In some
ways, we dismiss them, youknow, as a problem. They have
a problem. So do you notfeel that sometimes that they're actually self medicating?
What could be? But you seeagain that's that's I'm not saying it's
(37:20):
the right medication, because the thingis it's not. They're they're you know,
there are some people are over doingit. That's why they call self
medication because self medication is usually notcorrect. But that's that's part of the
problem of of of living in ameritocracy. So the thing with a meritocracy
is that people take people are seento be they don't actually take responsibility.
(37:44):
But they're seen to be responsible fortheir level of success. So for instance,
if someone is incredibly successful, wewe admire them and laud them and
and have them as a role modeland have them influence us in any way
that they wish. No matter whatmodaddy's success it is, whether it's Bono
or whether it's Djokovitz, or orwhether it's a politician, or whether it's
(38:09):
a film actor, or if theydon't do well, then there also seem
to be responsible and we call thema loser. So the society is full
of winners and losers and the massit's interesting not realizing that most of it
is luck. Yeah, but yes, but it's interesting because we don't actually
sort of say, actually, howdo we really define success? Because the
(38:31):
thing is we're defining success by whatthe system is saying, or what society
is saying that we need to goand work sixty eight hours a week.
So that's that's another huge topic ofGame's back to the So the kids with
ADHD so and what's interesting, ofcourse is that if you're a person,
(38:52):
if you're a person with ADHD andyou're on social media, that's going to
make your ADHD infinitely worse. Andin fact, one of my patients recently
he said, I stopped adia.I stopped social media for seven days now,
six seven days, and I feelmuch better. I feel calmer,
And in fact the same with myson. I just stopped him using YouTube,
(39:16):
and that we had we had himon YouTube, and then we put
him on YouTube kids, and thenI stopped it all together because the algorithm
on YouTube is merciless. It isdesigned to shock you, which because shock
is a greater stimulation than simply somethinggood and nice and interesting. And that's
(39:37):
why fake news travels more six timesquicker in social media than the real news.
So social media is evil and shouldbe banned in almost every single respect.
And one of the things I tellpatients going back to self esteem is
no parent wants their kid to beon medication today. Why should they?
(40:00):
You want your kid to be healthyand thriving and happy. But I tell
parents, look, self esteem isone of the most important factors in success
in life. Do you want yourchild to grow up being given an expectation
that they're going to do badly,that they're going to fail, that they
(40:21):
are different in a bad way,or do you want them to develop normally
and build up their self esteem andhave success experiences. Yeah, you've got
to consider that. There's a lotof other factors, particularly when we feed
our kids from a young age,I mean, particularly when we used to
give them cereal and things like this. You've got to consider the hormone that
(40:42):
all the diet and all the stuffthat they eat, and all the particularly
all the process stuff, and eventhe water has probably got estrogen and chemicals
in it to keep it clean soyou can drink it from the town that's
been well researched. Yeah. Yeah, these will all of course hormonal imbalances,
not just that, but chemical sowhich affects which affects a child's production
(41:04):
or activity. It affects all thesethings, and we don't we ignore that.
You know, it's easy to actuallygive them a sugar spike. Well,
well that's the thing. So artificialcolorings and e numbers are very bad
for ADHD. And you're right,sugar also makes them go over the top
hyper So if an average child goesover the top piper with sugar, an
(41:27):
ADHD child will will just go gointo orbit. So you're absolutely correct.
So the first thing to do is, depending on the degree of ADHD,
you don't immediately go from medication.You look at what else is going on.
You look at can I improve thediet. Can I help them learn
(41:51):
to concentrate, because concentration is ahabit. If you never develop it,
then it's going to be hard toconcentrate. Give them more exercise, because
if you're talking about all these kidsbeing on tablets, mobile phones and everything,
they're sitting down, there's no theonly reward is what's on their screen.
That's right. They don't get toappreciate the And the thing is,
again, because they're not getting intothe habit of exercising and moving around and
(42:12):
things like this, they're not againexercise that should be enough to give you
a dopamine spikes that you're not getting. But then the thing is you can't
carry on doing it. That's theproblem. So depending on the degree of
your ADHD, Yes, you're right, you know, so at school they
ADHD kids are given play breaks,but you know, there's only a certain
(42:32):
amount of playbreaks you can take whilstremaining a functional member of the class.
Now, we did mention and itis unbelievably important that self awareness and understanding
that that gives you is the mainroute to clarity of mind. So what
(42:58):
is clarity of mind. It meansthat you're able to see things as they
are without being influenced by misunderstandings andtraumas from the past, so that you
can make the best decisions for yourselfand others. And very few people have
that because almost everything we do isemotional ninety eight percent. Therefore, by
definition, almost nothing we do isactually good for us, because an emotional
(43:22):
decision is very unlikely to be goodfor us. So therefore, research has
shown that even writing about difficulties,not traumas, but just difficulties that you've
gone through in your life will leadto you being healthier mentally and physically your
ECG, your blood pressure will bebetter, and comgnitatively you'll do better at
(43:43):
school or university. So self journalingis very good for you. Talking it
through with a therapist again, it'ssomeone who lets you talk and that you
enjoy talking with is essential. Andif you have so severe trauma that you
can't do it it's too painful,then you need to formal trauma therapy.
(44:06):
And what's really interesting is I waswondering, is there a mechanism by which
our DNA can be damaged, andof course stress raises cortisol. And one
of the ways that our DNA isaffected is methylation, So methylations where you
stick methyl groups onto your DNA,and that affects your gene expression, and
(44:27):
that's epigenetics. In other words,your genes aren't changed, but your expression
is, and that can be transferredfrom one generation to the next. They
did to study with pregnant women,so women who go through trauma, they
will pass epigenetic changes via methylation ontheir chromosomes to their offspring. In fact,
(44:47):
actually probably I think the best exampleas a metaphor I actually heard,
I actually saw ones and I readit was imagine you've got a paragraph of
written words. And what the epigeneticsdoes is actually doesn't change the DNA,
which is the all the words.But what it does change is you're now
(45:07):
changing the full stops and the commasin different places, so it reads differently.
Yes, even though the DNA isthe same, what it does is
read it reads. It changed thetone of your behavior, if that makes
sense. And make no mistake,I'm going to be absolutely clear. Methylation
is major because your gene expression iseverything. It doesn't matter if you've got
(45:30):
great genes if you're not expressing them. And another example, for instance,
what they found is rats who weregiven a cocaine addiction had that addictive behavior
abolished by demethylation of their DNA demethylation. So therefore methylation has vast effects
(45:52):
global effects on our behavior and ourhealth and behavior. For instance, warlike
nations. Yep, there are warlike nations because epigenetically they have behaved in
that way. Spartans. Yeah,let me so, let me ask so,
let me met wrap up now,yeah, so let me ask you
this. Oh sorry, I lostmy trail of thoughts. Actually, oh
(46:14):
no, it's actually so if youif you want so. For example,
let's say as a family, youwant to have a child, all right,
it's almost worth taking them away fora year, going away for a
year and living a very clean life, no alcohol, no cigarette, get
your body in shape and everything beforeyou even think about having a kid,
which will have an impact on onon on how your child's going to come
(46:37):
out, because I mean, let'sface it's someone who's overweight who has a
child, that child's going to actuallyinherit a lot of fatty cells and things
like that, which makes it hardof them to lose weight, yes,
later on, because you're that's thephysical, the physical hormones and chemicals and
whatever you've got in your system you'repassing on to your child, which is
why, which is why you shouldn'tyou know, take drugs or drink alcohol
(47:02):
whilst you're pregnant. And ideally youknow, as you say yourself three time
before as well, just have ayear beforehand to actually sort of clean up
your your your body actually if youwant to be really serious about having a
healthy kid in some ways, justa just a thought. Anyway, Look,
we could go into so many differenttopics now, guys, but thank
you very much for listening, andhopefully we'll expand on this and maybe go
(47:27):
in a direction later on. Thankyou, thanks for listening. Everyone bybe
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Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!