August 21, 2025 • 35 mins
Research shows that we are hard wired to generate our own happiness. We show that the prize is peace of mind rather than pleasure and what is stopping us getting there. Enjoy the journey with us.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome a legcy. It's been sometimes since we've record our
last podcast together. It's a real real pleasure to see you.
Thank you, likewise thank you now. It's interesting because we've
talked about this before, but as our experience of life
gets more and more, we can redefine some what we've
already discussed. And the commonest topic that is on everyone's
(00:25):
agenda is how happy do you feel? And what are
the causes of happiness? And what is the secret? Because
the indisputile fact is that twenty years ago depression was
the fifth commonest cause of illness and death and now
it's the commonest. So what's happened? Have we all got
suddenly more clinically depressed or are we simply getting more unhappy?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
And what can we do to fix it? Oh, that's
a big introduction.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
I think we discussed things offline before, and I think
one of the things that comes to my mind is
a few things.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Lack of self awareness.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
A lot of people have been leading their lives on autopilot,
and only recently I think COVID was the start of
it where people had to start to think inwardly, start
to think, Hang on a minute, what am.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
I doing here, Is this the right career?
Speaker 3 (01:20):
I'm not living at home with my family on zoom
or whatever, and they started to assess and evaluate their
lives for the first time.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
I think.
Speaker 3 (01:30):
Also, one thing I'll add to the mix that we
could discuss is abundance.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
We have everything we need. Most people have everything we need.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
In fact, we have too much of everything, so it
takes much longer to make any decision based on something. Again,
between the difference between want and need. Most of societies
based on want. We no longer have the basic primitive
setup of needing something to survive. Need water, eat food,
(02:00):
you need shelter. Now I want another car, I want
another holiday.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Well about I need another car, I need no hold it?
But you really just want correct. So that's incredibly important
because of course, what our lives are full of is
illusionary needs. Now that the fact is that as humans,
in fact, every living organism and self awareness has a
degree of background anxiety because that keeps you alive, because
(02:27):
it keeps you alert to escape predators, and it keeps
you motivated to achieve your basic need to survival, which
are air, food, water, shelter, and the existential need for connection.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Everything else is a want. But if you treat everything
is a need, what happens is it's an illusionary need
associated with fear of failure and stress. Now, the other
thing to bear in mind is that if you're a
caveman and you're wandering through the jungle and you suddenly
see a sab toothed tiger, what's the first thing you're
going to do?
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Run?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Exactly, You're not going to think about it, You're going
to run. So nature worked out million millions of years
ago that you you survive if you act quickly, and
that means reflex So we are hardwired to reflexly reduce
our anxiety. So if we see an illusionary need, we
don't question it and say, well, do we really need it?
Most of the time we simply reflexly go for it.
(03:27):
And therefore, if you if you if you count control
or stress as the degree of control you have, because
the amygdala center bypasses your cortex, which is volitional thought,
then you're going through life without any volitional thought and
therefore without any sense of control, because you're reflexly chasing
(03:48):
illusionary needs and therefore your stressed.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
To add to that, I think the.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
I think a lot of people, I'm gonna get slightly
deep in meaningful. A lot of people don't really know
themselves or have never taken the time to get to
know themselves. So they are led by social media, by
what's fashionable, what their friends are doing. And it's a
vicious circle because they're probably all thinking the same thing
as well, or don't know each other, don't know themselves
(04:18):
very well, so everybody's just following each other, you know,
with closed eyes, sort of on autopilot, as I was
saying before, And I need the bigger house, I need
the electric car, I need the whatever it may be,
when actually you probably didn't take any time to ask
(04:39):
yourself or to get to know yourself first, what am
I really like? Who am I actually what makes me happy?
What am I just happy with? As a bare minimum,
realizing that obviously it's your closest, it's your nearest and dearest.
They need to be healthy, they need to be content,
so doing what they enjoy doing.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
I think that's part of happiness.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
You know, you spend most of your time at work
or working, must enjoy what you're doing. You've mentioned quite
a few times in previous podcasts, how what's the percentage
of people that are actually doing something they don't like doing,
and that has a huge bearing on your happiness because
then all the anxiety comes out, the bullying, the hierarchy,
(05:21):
or the people pleasing, et cetera. When actually, okay, it's
a bad example, but you know, if you want to
be a gardener, but you're in the corporate world, but
you know that gardening pays half of what you would
be getting in the corporate world, then just be a
garden might just be happy because that's what you love
doing and there's nothing stopping you and having an ever
expanding gardening business.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
You know, you can think big, but doing.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
What you love doing, where a lot of people are
afraid to take that leap, afraid.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
To take that that jump.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
Because they are caught in the and paying the bills
that would be getting outside my comfort zone. I would
need to work hard at it. I would need to
commit to it. I would need to own it. Which
if you say all these words nowadays you need to
commit and own to something, people look at you and go, oh.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
That sounds like a lot of work.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
So I mean I have to stop watching my my
Netflix series and not go to my favorite restaurant once
a week. Yes, maybe maybe you should put that to
one side and really focus on what really would you
are passionate about, what you're interested in otherwise makes you happy,
it drives you.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Well, that's a really interesting point of view, and I
would argue that for most people is the demetric opposite.
In other words, ninety percent of all occupations are jobs.
In other words, they're not careers, they're jobs, and that
the definition of that is that you wouldn't do it
(06:45):
unless you're paid to do it, versus your career, which
gives you this intense, deep, unique satisfaction. Okay, And of
course one of the big lies in modern society is
that everyone is told, well, you have to have your career.
You have special names given and to every stage of
what you're doing, just to just to glorify it.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
But it's still a job. Now.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
The Harvard Happiness Study, which is a study that's run
for almost seventy years, that's had four program directors. It's
looked at what makes people happy, and it's concluded that
as long as you're not poor, because it's stressful to
be poor, the main source of.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Happiness is your partner, kids, close family. If you're lonely.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
It's bad for you mentally and physically. But worse than
that is the wrong partner. The wrong partner is a disaster. Now,
so people say, well, it's your partner who makes you happy.
The answer is no, it's not. That is misleading because
if you go into other deeper research as to the
science of happiness, what they have shown time and again
(07:54):
is you are hardwired to manufacture your own happiness. So
you can take to groups of people, one who's won
the lottery, one who's had some serious physical injury, and
over time the outcomes of happiness will be the same.
You can also be given a situation, so, for instance,
you can judge paintings from give them scores of one
(08:17):
to ten, and if you choose painting four to take
home with you, your rating of that painting will go
up after a couple of weeks because it's simply been
with you. But then the next question is, well, if
that's the case, is it going up because of your
ego having made that decision so you take it home,
and therefore it has to be better because you chose it.
(08:37):
So they've also gone to people who have memory problems,
so they went to a clinic of treating corsicovs, which
is a type of brain damage where you don't have
any long term memory.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
And in other words.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
You can introduce yourself to that person and two minutes
later they won't remember meeting you. And again, those people
who chose the paintings, their estimation went up. It wasn't
the ego issue. It was simply the fact that you're
hardwired to like the situation you find yourself in with
the provisos, as long as you don't have further choice.
If you have the illusion of further choice, you get
(09:14):
more unhappy again. And so what they've also found is
that giving people too much choice confuses them. Why, because
anxiety seeks structure. If you take structure away, anxiety goes up.
So now you know what the Harvard Happiness Study means.
It means, bearing in mind that the wrong partner is
incredibly toxic, it means all you need is a partner
(09:37):
who doesn't mess with your peace of mind, which will
allow you to generate your own happiness. And in fact,
people from their experience will tell you that it is
their kids who make them happy, until, of course, they
become teenagers.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
As you were talking I wanted to add another point
about the modern society we're in consumerism. You know, we
are un fortunately now guilty of all these malls or
shopping centers where people aimlessly walk around for three, four, five,
six hours all day, make a day of it. This
is actually a way of consuming your time walking around shops,
(10:16):
not necessarily buying anything, or walking for literally kilometers over
hours and having lunch and having a coffee, and that
is enjoyment.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Whereas there are some of us I believe this is the.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Right way, but I'm not going to inflict in my
opinion on anybody else who realize that actually we live
in a world where nature came before us. We are
encroaching into their world, not the other way around, and
actually going for a walk, going and experiencing nature, which
is good for you. Exercise it mentally releases chemicals in
(10:53):
your brain, in your body that are good for you,
that actually make you happy, that.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Actually do that does sorry reduce your stress.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Yet we are completely addicted to the dopamine hit by
social media, by the usual Facebook, Insta whatever apps. It
gives us that immediate hit, that immediate hit of ordering
something online.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
We get a little feel good factor.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
We get a bigger feel good factor out of ordering
it and going through the busive ordering it than actually
receiving it, which is bond because the moment you've opened
outside of the box, the moment's over.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
You may not even use the item that you've bought.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Because it's illusionary's need. So therefore you look, you're seeking
the next hit. You're absolutely correct, and that for me
is a hiding to nothing.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
I think you if you do not, And a lot
of people are now starting to stop and think and say,
hang on a minute, what am I doing here. I've
got a shelter, I've got a house, I can pay
the electricity in the gas, I know where the next
meal is coming from. We're okay, We're doing in inverticomus
quite well.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Well. I don't need more things in the fridge.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
I don't need another car, I don't need a better holiday,
whatever that is, and the last one, it's what I've
got is fine. So enjoying the moment with someone and
really getting to understand them. I did that a few
days ago with my son because I'm working from home
because of my fractured foot, and I just stopped for
a few minutes and just looked at my son, just
(12:25):
looked at his mannerisms, looked at his face, looked at
his beautiful eyelashes, and looked at how he was focusing
on something.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
And I thought, what, not.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Only is it beautiful in me, what a beautiful young
man and that is my son. But you learn something
from just observing someone and just being there. Of course,
rather than I need to get to the next thing,
I need to do the next tasks, I need to
complete the next thing.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
How do you feel? How did you feel in that moment? Serene,
just peaceful, just sacly. The prize is not pleasure, an extasy,
it's no peace, appreciative, appreciative.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I was grateful, serenity. It's peace of mind, isn't it.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
It's grateful that he was healthy, grateful that he was saved,
with me and my company happy, generally, happy, go lucky,
enjoying what he's got.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Do we go all our go off the rails? Sometimes,
of course we do.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
So bear in mind that again, every single almost every
animal lives in a group where it's a tribe or
heard a flock, because nature worked out many of years
ago that you're more likely to survive and pass your
genes to the next generation. If you live in a group. Now,
because of that, the nature has designed us to like
(13:40):
living in a group, and therefore we are hardwired to
seek our place in society in the hierarchy. Were a
hardwaveed to require structure, hierarchy leadership. And also we're hardware
to collaborate. We like helping others. And it's not enough
to simply go on a go fund Me page. That
(14:01):
doesn't increase your dopamine. What does is physically helping. And
so that's why people say you'd be surprised if you
ask for help, how many people will help you, and
they will enjoy helping you. And if you look into
someone's eyes, your dopamine will go up, your oxytocin will
go up, so your.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Heart rate reduces. You feel good.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
And the more marginalized you are, the more injur realistic
you are, the more miserable you're going to get. And
yet the more miserable you get, you then seek more pleasure.
And the chemistry is that the more dopamine you seek,
the lower your serotonin, and serotonin is your peace of mind.
You're transmitter, So the more pleasure you seek, the less
(14:41):
happy you are, and yet in the last one hundred
and fifty years we forget, We've forgotten to concentrate. Our
pleasure has come in smaller and smaller chunks. So one
hundred and fifty years ago, you could go to an
art gallery and spend hours looking the painting and appreciating
it and appreciating the story behind it, the technique behind it.
(15:04):
Now you need quick fixes. And the same goes from music.
You need you need the instant gratification, and that started
really with industrial revolution, and social media is the absolute
pinnacle where you're constantly seeking hit after hit after hit,
and if you reduce structure, what you then get is
(15:26):
increased self absorption, increased entitlement, and with entitlement comes reduced responsibility.
So one of the definitions of personality disorder is tribe incompatibility.
They are harmful to the tribe. Imagine that, and therefore
(15:48):
we are all hard to are to be tribe compatible,
and it feels good when we do it. But with lockdown,
with living at home, well with working from home with more,
with increased self absorption, we are being phenotypically, we are
effectively becoming less tribe compatible, and the kids are losing
(16:10):
their social skills. So Alexi, you told me you saw people,
four people in a restaurant, they are all looking at
their phones. I was at a dinner party and I
checked on the kids and there were six kids, all
on iPad, all on the phone. It is tantamount to criminalism.
It is criminal a destruction of society.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
So I'm going to go back to a thing I
mentioned in the past again. I call it the lift moment.
I have to use a lift when I'm at work
to get to the office. And it's just one example
where you will invariably most likely have the potential to
interact with someone else that you don't know, and you've
(16:55):
got a choice. When you get in that lift, you
can go very quiet, wait till you go up the
two three floors.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
It is get doors open.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
You say goodbye, and you go to your to your
to your floor, or as I do, at least half
the time.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I'm not saying I do it every time.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
I will look at that person I've never met before,
go how are you good morning? Isn't it funny that
whatever it may be, something trivial that gets them to
interact with me, It does. It does a few things.
It makes them I've acknowledged them. I see them. They're
(17:32):
no longer that invisible person that is not having a
great day that has to go to work. As we
just described, I then may make them smile by saying
something that's got the right sense of timing, that is,
I don't know, a funny little comment observation. And I've
looked at them straight in the eyes as well and
acknowledged them and said, hope you have a great day, Hello,
(17:54):
how are you whatever? That can make a difference to
someone's day, that if that person did that to you you,
how would you feel? Suddenly you look at society or
at that day in a different way. You are pepped
up your a little bit more optimistic, bit more positive.
And that for me, you can do that wherever when
(18:15):
you're shopping, when you are going to your local coffee bar,
there's nothing stopping you in turning around and looking left
and going how are you doing?
Speaker 1 (18:23):
We need to unemphasize that. So powerful is social connection
in terms of the health giving attributes that it's been
shown in studies, so the Sardinia longevity study, because Sardinia
has the place where it has the largest concentration of octogenurians,
people above the age of eighty, and they look at
(18:46):
the top ten criteria with determines longevity, which includes exercise,
blood sugar control, blood pressure control, flu jab. The top two, however,
were the number of close friends you can rely on
in an emergency number one the number of human contacts
you have during the day with people you know or
(19:08):
you don't know. And another study in a little village
called Rosetta in Ottawa in America after the Second World War,
one of there was a conference in cardiology and one
of the doctors told another and he said, there's no
heart attacks in this in this area, in this town,
whereas the rest of America's is dissolving onto the way
(19:29):
to heart attacks.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
And an to you to your point about close friends.
I didn't make it to a very good friend's birthday
party because on my foot. It was just when I
injured it and I couldn't travel. I really wanted to
be there, but any it doesn't matter. I couldn't make it.
So this friend took a video and in that video
to then share with other people that couldn't make it
(19:50):
as well. Because they have friends from all over the world.
They are South Africa's but have friends from Israel, UK whatever.
She and I won't mention her name, but she mention
something which I found very touching about close friends, and
she goes, I define a close friend as somebody that
you can call at three o'clock in the morning when
(20:11):
you need help and they would not hesitate to help you.
That's a close friend. Now I'm not judging anyone, but
how many of those have you got?
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Correct? And that for me says a lot. It's a
great sense of security, isn't it.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
And it's a great barometer as to really what friendship
is about about. We're talking about connection, happiness, being genuine,
someone knowing you really for who you are, not for
who you project or what avatar you've created. You know,
you fake it till you make it. You really are
a genuine person, and then you attract another genuine person
(20:46):
who becomes your friend who likes you for who you are.
And it works both ways as you and I would
I would help you out at if I'm in a country,
I would drop everything for you. That goes without without evening.
We don't even need to say it, But how many
people do you know like that?
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Who will do that?
Speaker 1 (21:01):
And how many people can you are like that? If
your social media friends or connections, because they don't even
know the real you do they.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
That won't happen because that is, as you said, it's
an illusian it's a we. Again, the word perspective, I
think is so so important but yet also very dangerous
because you have you I hear this often recently. You
know it's it's when you have sorry, the government creating
a narrative you look at sorry to say that that.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
I won't mention the president of the United States. I
can't even say his.
Speaker 3 (21:35):
Name, but he will create a narrative and say it
often enough so that it becomes it's perceived as being
real as reality, whereas it's probably completely against the law,
it's completely wrong. But because that individual has mentioned it
five six, seven, eight times, he's created you begin to
believe agin to believe it. And that is where the
(21:57):
world we're living in now.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Absolutely and true friends, though you see, you have to
live amongst them. That's the key, not see pictures of them.
And the second study they started in Ottawa, they found
that the group of people in Ottawa that determined the
lack of heart attacks was actually a group of Italian
(22:21):
immigrants and they thought, wow, is their diet different? Are
they exercise? Definitely, no, they had a worse diet. There
were more couch potatoes. But what they did do is
three or four generations lived together in the same house
and there was a high degree of respect for everyone's roles.
So again it was very close human connection and knowing
(22:43):
your place in society and hierarchy, which gives you a
sense of calm.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
And also it's a sense of self worth, identity, identity,
a self worth, dignity, confidence. And also going back to
the tribal thing, you know, own your value in that tribe.
You know you're value in the tribe, and that's so
important because you are told, you feel you continually interact
(23:09):
with those people, the tribe family, You're gonna have a
tribal work family as well. And if you are in
the right culture work, which is very rare, I am,
but it's very rare, then the person who creates that
culture makes you believe that you are a contributor and
you are important to that team within that team and
(23:29):
society and such and that and that is that is
that is hugely powerful. It is your subconscious your consciousness
your your self esteem, your pride.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
It hits all the it hits all the right.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
Buttons, and that is what motivates people. And that's what
makes people get out of bed and say, I want
to do this today.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
It gives me pleasure to do it. I would do
it even if I wasn't paid to do it. You
see that, And that's the secret. The power of that
is that it's a sorrow good family. That's the power.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
So you see, anything that ends up being effective is
usually a surrogate family or a surrogate religion, which is
more or less the same thing, because that's it's it's
a religion that's a transcontinental tribe and those and you
have surrendering peace of mind as long as you have faith.
So humans have evolved to have faith. It's important to
(24:22):
understand that. And the in fact it's it's interesting because
if you if you look at a story from ancient Greece,
and in fact it's it's called it's called Socrates Symposium
on Love. So so before the birth of Christ in
(24:44):
ancient Athens, there's a group of people who had a
banquet and they overdid it. They drunk too much. So
the next evening they said, well, let's go easy on
the drink, and let's instead of intellectual conversation, because that's
what they valued. And someone said, why do we talk
about love? So they side to talk about love, and
one person said that love is you love that which
you do not have. So, for instance, a fat person
(25:06):
loves thin people, and that kind of thing. You can
understand that. Someone else said, well, many many years ago,
humans used to exist as being fused along the back,
so you had two heads, four arms, four legs, and
they used to perambulate by doing cartwheels. And they were
very strong, very powerful, very fast, until they thought they
(25:28):
could challenge the authority of the gods and zoos to
teach them a lesson, cleave them with this thunder down
the middle of the back. So he turned them into
having one head and two arms and two legs. And
that's the origin that we seek our other half. That
is the mythological origin. Socrates came and he was late,
(25:49):
and he said, sorry late, I've just come from the
oracle of Delphi, and the high priestess there said to
me that love is the pursuit of immortality. Now some
people will seek it by changing the pages of history
effectively married to their jobs, doing the best possible job
(26:11):
they can. Most people settle for immortality, so immediately goes
back to the idea that it's your family. But then
it immediately has to go back to stop seeking the ultimate.
You need someone good enough who doesn't mess with your
peace of mind so you can enjoy and have a
(26:32):
chance to follow your hard wired nature of developing your
own happiness with your kids being the source of happiness
rather than your partner. Your partner is exactly that she
partners up with you in seeking immortality.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
I think with your partner, I think you need to
be careful with the kids for sure, but you need
to have also harmony a base of love and happiness
with your partner as well.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
But not so not the most beautiful the sex, so
it's not interesting.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
But then again, then again, you shouldn't settle for second best.
And I see a lot of people go take what
you've just said to literally to the letter and will
compromise to the point where they are comfortable with that person.
They enjoy living with them, they like them very much.
(27:32):
They may actually on a deep level love them, but
there's no infatuation. They're not in love and they treated
like they approach it like as a business case, nearly
just as.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
A I want, you know, the.
Speaker 3 (27:48):
Eight out of ten, the seven out of ten compromise,
so that I've got a great chance of having a
long term relationship, and you also mitigate any risks of
divorce or risk of that person, you know, fleecing you
for what you've got. On a materialistic level, I think
that's a shame as well. I think you have to
(28:08):
be very careful not to settle for second best because
you believe.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
That that's the way to survive and get through life.
I think, yeah, I think you've got to be very
careful as well. Well.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
The I mean, yes, But the answer is, it's not
just the principle of second best. It has to be
with no deal breakers. Because if there isn't a deal breaker,
if your peace of mind, if you have peace of
mind with that person, clearly they have to be a
person of a certain level, and then you'll generate your
(28:40):
own happiness.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Somebody in my family scheduled me a year or two
years ago. He said, there is a man now, he's
about seventy nine years of age, and he told me
that he only got to know himself when he was
sixty two.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Now, that for me is the.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
Base of happiness because if you do not know yourself
and you do not love yourself, and sorry to use
all the all the crass lines that you hear everyone
on social media, but it's true in my mind. If
you do not love yourself and know yourself and accept
yourself for who you are, then how is anybody else
going to accept you, accept you who you are? But
(29:17):
how are you going to attract the right person that
accepts you for who you are? It gives you that
freedom to be who you are, to go often, have
your hobbies and do your thing as well, to allow
you to still be yourself, not to own you or
to ask you to change and be more what they
want you to be. You can still be yourself because
(29:39):
they love you for who you are, but they like
but simultaneously they like them, they love themselves for who
they are as well. Yes, so then you are living.
You're living what I call in reality without a lie,
without this materialistic, made up reality, this illusion that obviously
(30:00):
is not reality. And then you can get through I
believe more of life. You can survive a lot easier
because you are true to yourself and for example, I
can be with my wife at home on the weekend
and we do not need to go to the restaurant.
We do not need to go on the trip to
(30:22):
the place where the people are with the car. We
can't care less. We're is happy to be in each
other's company. And I think that says everything for me.
Rather than keeping up appearances driving in the latest suv
and then barking it outside the restaurant in the right
place to show off look at what I've got it,
(30:42):
this defines who I am because I'm obviously comfortable and
well off.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
It is all I don't want to use the words,
but all a load of what is so.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Knowing yourself and having your entac self esteem is of
course one of the mechanisms by which you find someone
who allows you to have peace mind. Absolutely correct, and
in fact that that level of self awareness is absolutely crucial,
because if you don't, then you become guess what, You
(31:11):
become enamored with social media, you become obsessed with just
giving some kind of illusionary presence in society.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
And you're not eternally searching for something correct. That's important
and in.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Fact, our definition of freedom, which we defined a couple
of years ago. Is not doing what you want when
you want, however much you want, as long as you
don't do harm. It's having the ability to function according
to values and beliefs in a functional environment. And in
order to do that, you have to know yourself, know
your identity, value yourself, and then you don't compromise.
Speaker 3 (31:48):
But the issue that we've got at the moment in
the society that we've got worldwide now is everything is
about consumeric.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
I can't say consumerism.
Speaker 3 (31:57):
It's about money. It still is about status, even though
that's changing, thank god, it's changing for the better. And
that then is not compatible with the people that maybe
do let's say get it, that are happy in themselves
and want to lead let's say a simpler life, and
you still have pressures, whether peer pressure or psychological pressure
(32:19):
or social media pressure to Like I mentioned this a
while ago, there was this influencer in China. She said
she had how many millions of hits, you know, really
won our top influencer, and then she was posting in
them what we call the what do you call it?
The green the green room that she created of all
these amazing exotic holidays and saying I'm here, I'm there,
(32:42):
Look at me?
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Aren't I doing well?
Speaker 3 (32:45):
And then unfortunately she didn't pay a rent for two months,
so the landlord decided to go online and actually post
the flat picture of the flat with rubbish everywhere, and
made it very clear that this influencer that you're all following,
by the way, this is actually her life. She's not
paying the rent and this is her reality. And the
millions of followers which saw that where we're like, oh,
(33:07):
I was believing what I was seeing. I was believing
in the illusion, and I don't think she's the only
one out there doing that.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Well.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
It reminds us, of course, that Instagram doesn't pay its creators.
Speaker 4 (33:15):
That is one of the sad issues of it, maybe,
but I think I think the point is that a
lot of people out there so gullible, in not gullible,
but they have a.
Speaker 3 (33:28):
Need to click, touch and believe in what they see.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Because people follow There are very few freethinkers, as exemplified
with COVID. It was very very few people who were
highly skeptical and quite frankly didn't believe it. But as
time has gone on, it's those free thinkers who turned
out to be right, I like any last words.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Well, all I'm going to carry on saying is that
if you do not.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
Allow yourself to stop and think and just be, and
you're eternally searching for the next challenge, the next thing,
the next object, then you are you're not really being
honest with yourself and reflecting on really what's important to you.
I think the message for me is just to be
(34:22):
honest to yourself, take a step back and think about
what you're doing. And I think the self awareness are
that that those two words, although or that word is huge.
Having self awareness, I think is a massive thing is
to do with emotional intelligence, and until you really develop that,
which then goes into gratefulness, which is I think one
(34:46):
of the key attributes of anybody who is either a
happy or being a verticome as successful. I've never met
a what I call a really successful person who isn't
grateful in more ways than one. Grateful for what they've got,
grateful for how they got there, grateful for who's around them,
gratefulness for me, which is part of self awareness, which
(35:07):
is part of motion intelligence, is key, and I think
until you get that, you're always going to be either anxious, aggressive,
constantly and constantly.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Just not balanced. I said, good.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Life gratitude is not instant gratification, is it. No, it's
the opposite, completely opposite. So you're absolutely correct. So it's
self awareness, living at the moment, enjoying the journey, ensuring
that you have your tribe that you're living in and
collaborating in, and accepting the good enough without deal breakers
(35:43):
that lets you generate your own happiness, focusing on your
family and kids. Agreed, fantastic, Thank you very much, Take
care everyone, God bless
Welcome a legcy. It's been sometimes since we've record our
last podcast together. It's a real real pleasure to see you.
Thank you, likewise thank you now. It's interesting because we've
talked about this before, but as our experience of life
gets more and more, we can redefine some what we've
already discussed. And the commonest topic that is on everyone's
(00:25):
agenda is how happy do you feel? And what are
the causes of happiness? And what is the secret? Because
the indisputile fact is that twenty years ago depression was
the fifth commonest cause of illness and death and now
it's the commonest. So what's happened? Have we all got
suddenly more clinically depressed or are we simply getting more unhappy?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
And what can we do to fix it? Oh, that's
a big introduction.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
I think we discussed things offline before, and I think
one of the things that comes to my mind is
a few things.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Lack of self awareness.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
A lot of people have been leading their lives on autopilot,
and only recently I think COVID was the start of
it where people had to start to think inwardly, start
to think, Hang on a minute, what am.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
I doing here, Is this the right career?
Speaker 3 (01:20):
I'm not living at home with my family on zoom
or whatever, and they started to assess and evaluate their
lives for the first time.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
I think.
Speaker 3 (01:30):
Also, one thing I'll add to the mix that we
could discuss is abundance.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
We have everything we need. Most people have everything we need.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
In fact, we have too much of everything, so it
takes much longer to make any decision based on something. Again,
between the difference between want and need. Most of societies
based on want. We no longer have the basic primitive
setup of needing something to survive. Need water, eat food,
(02:00):
you need shelter. Now I want another car, I want
another holiday.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Well about I need another car, I need no hold it?
But you really just want correct. So that's incredibly important
because of course, what our lives are full of is
illusionary needs. Now that the fact is that as humans,
in fact, every living organism and self awareness has a
degree of background anxiety because that keeps you alive, because
(02:27):
it keeps you alert to escape predators, and it keeps
you motivated to achieve your basic need to survival, which
are air, food, water, shelter, and the existential need for connection.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Everything else is a want. But if you treat everything
is a need, what happens is it's an illusionary need
associated with fear of failure and stress. Now, the other
thing to bear in mind is that if you're a
caveman and you're wandering through the jungle and you suddenly
see a sab toothed tiger, what's the first thing you're
going to do?
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Run?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Exactly, You're not going to think about it, You're going
to run. So nature worked out million millions of years
ago that you you survive if you act quickly, and
that means reflex So we are hardwired to reflexly reduce
our anxiety. So if we see an illusionary need, we
don't question it and say, well, do we really need it?
Most of the time we simply reflexly go for it.
(03:27):
And therefore, if you if you if you count control
or stress as the degree of control you have, because
the amygdala center bypasses your cortex, which is volitional thought,
then you're going through life without any volitional thought and
therefore without any sense of control, because you're reflexly chasing
(03:48):
illusionary needs and therefore your stressed.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
To add to that, I think the.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
I think a lot of people, I'm gonna get slightly
deep in meaningful. A lot of people don't really know
themselves or have never taken the time to get to
know themselves. So they are led by social media, by
what's fashionable, what their friends are doing. And it's a
vicious circle because they're probably all thinking the same thing
as well, or don't know each other, don't know themselves
(04:18):
very well, so everybody's just following each other, you know,
with closed eyes, sort of on autopilot, as I was
saying before, And I need the bigger house, I need
the electric car, I need the whatever it may be,
when actually you probably didn't take any time to ask
(04:39):
yourself or to get to know yourself first, what am
I really like? Who am I actually what makes me happy?
What am I just happy with? As a bare minimum,
realizing that obviously it's your closest, it's your nearest and dearest.
They need to be healthy, they need to be content,
so doing what they enjoy doing.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
I think that's part of happiness.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
You know, you spend most of your time at work
or working, must enjoy what you're doing. You've mentioned quite
a few times in previous podcasts, how what's the percentage
of people that are actually doing something they don't like doing,
and that has a huge bearing on your happiness because
then all the anxiety comes out, the bullying, the hierarchy,
(05:21):
or the people pleasing, et cetera. When actually, okay, it's
a bad example, but you know, if you want to
be a gardener, but you're in the corporate world, but
you know that gardening pays half of what you would
be getting in the corporate world, then just be a
garden might just be happy because that's what you love
doing and there's nothing stopping you and having an ever
expanding gardening business.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
You know, you can think big, but doing.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
What you love doing, where a lot of people are
afraid to take that leap, afraid.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
To take that that jump.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
Because they are caught in the and paying the bills
that would be getting outside my comfort zone. I would
need to work hard at it. I would need to
commit to it. I would need to own it. Which
if you say all these words nowadays you need to
commit and own to something, people look at you and go, oh.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
That sounds like a lot of work.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
So I mean I have to stop watching my my
Netflix series and not go to my favorite restaurant once
a week. Yes, maybe maybe you should put that to
one side and really focus on what really would you
are passionate about, what you're interested in otherwise makes you happy,
it drives you.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Well, that's a really interesting point of view, and I
would argue that for most people is the demetric opposite.
In other words, ninety percent of all occupations are jobs.
In other words, they're not careers, they're jobs, and that
the definition of that is that you wouldn't do it
(06:45):
unless you're paid to do it, versus your career, which
gives you this intense, deep, unique satisfaction. Okay, And of
course one of the big lies in modern society is
that everyone is told, well, you have to have your career.
You have special names given and to every stage of
what you're doing, just to just to glorify it.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
But it's still a job. Now.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
The Harvard Happiness Study, which is a study that's run
for almost seventy years, that's had four program directors. It's
looked at what makes people happy, and it's concluded that
as long as you're not poor, because it's stressful to
be poor, the main source of.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Happiness is your partner, kids, close family. If you're lonely.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
It's bad for you mentally and physically. But worse than
that is the wrong partner. The wrong partner is a disaster. Now,
so people say, well, it's your partner who makes you happy.
The answer is no, it's not. That is misleading because
if you go into other deeper research as to the
science of happiness, what they have shown time and again
(07:54):
is you are hardwired to manufacture your own happiness. So
you can take to groups of people, one who's won
the lottery, one who's had some serious physical injury, and
over time the outcomes of happiness will be the same.
You can also be given a situation, so, for instance,
you can judge paintings from give them scores of one
(08:17):
to ten, and if you choose painting four to take
home with you, your rating of that painting will go
up after a couple of weeks because it's simply been
with you. But then the next question is, well, if
that's the case, is it going up because of your
ego having made that decision so you take it home,
and therefore it has to be better because you chose it.
(08:37):
So they've also gone to people who have memory problems,
so they went to a clinic of treating corsicovs, which
is a type of brain damage where you don't have
any long term memory.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
And in other words.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
You can introduce yourself to that person and two minutes
later they won't remember meeting you. And again, those people
who chose the paintings, their estimation went up. It wasn't
the ego issue. It was simply the fact that you're
hardwired to like the situation you find yourself in with
the provisos, as long as you don't have further choice.
If you have the illusion of further choice, you get
(09:14):
more unhappy again. And so what they've also found is
that giving people too much choice confuses them. Why, because
anxiety seeks structure. If you take structure away, anxiety goes up.
So now you know what the Harvard Happiness Study means.
It means, bearing in mind that the wrong partner is
incredibly toxic, it means all you need is a partner
(09:37):
who doesn't mess with your peace of mind, which will
allow you to generate your own happiness. And in fact,
people from their experience will tell you that it is
their kids who make them happy, until, of course, they
become teenagers.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
As you were talking I wanted to add another point
about the modern society we're in consumerism. You know, we
are un fortunately now guilty of all these malls or
shopping centers where people aimlessly walk around for three, four, five,
six hours all day, make a day of it. This
is actually a way of consuming your time walking around shops,
(10:16):
not necessarily buying anything, or walking for literally kilometers over
hours and having lunch and having a coffee, and that
is enjoyment.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Whereas there are some of us I believe this is the.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Right way, but I'm not going to inflict in my
opinion on anybody else who realize that actually we live
in a world where nature came before us. We are
encroaching into their world, not the other way around, and
actually going for a walk, going and experiencing nature, which
is good for you. Exercise it mentally releases chemicals in
(10:53):
your brain, in your body that are good for you,
that actually make you happy, that.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Actually do that does sorry reduce your stress.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Yet we are completely addicted to the dopamine hit by
social media, by the usual Facebook, Insta whatever apps. It
gives us that immediate hit, that immediate hit of ordering
something online.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
We get a little feel good factor.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
We get a bigger feel good factor out of ordering
it and going through the busive ordering it than actually
receiving it, which is bond because the moment you've opened
outside of the box, the moment's over.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
You may not even use the item that you've bought.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Because it's illusionary's need. So therefore you look, you're seeking
the next hit. You're absolutely correct, and that for me
is a hiding to nothing.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
I think you if you do not, And a lot
of people are now starting to stop and think and say,
hang on a minute, what am I doing here. I've
got a shelter, I've got a house, I can pay
the electricity in the gas, I know where the next
meal is coming from. We're okay, We're doing in inverticomus
quite well.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Well. I don't need more things in the fridge.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
I don't need another car, I don't need a better holiday,
whatever that is, and the last one, it's what I've
got is fine. So enjoying the moment with someone and
really getting to understand them. I did that a few
days ago with my son because I'm working from home
because of my fractured foot, and I just stopped for
a few minutes and just looked at my son, just
(12:25):
looked at his mannerisms, looked at his face, looked at
his beautiful eyelashes, and looked at how he was focusing
on something.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
And I thought, what, not.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Only is it beautiful in me, what a beautiful young
man and that is my son. But you learn something
from just observing someone and just being there. Of course,
rather than I need to get to the next thing,
I need to do the next tasks, I need to
complete the next thing.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
How do you feel? How did you feel in that moment? Serene,
just peaceful, just sacly. The prize is not pleasure, an extasy,
it's no peace, appreciative, appreciative.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I was grateful, serenity. It's peace of mind, isn't it.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
It's grateful that he was healthy, grateful that he was saved,
with me and my company happy, generally, happy, go lucky,
enjoying what he's got.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Do we go all our go off the rails? Sometimes,
of course we do.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
So bear in mind that again, every single almost every
animal lives in a group where it's a tribe or
heard a flock, because nature worked out many of years
ago that you're more likely to survive and pass your
genes to the next generation. If you live in a group. Now,
because of that, the nature has designed us to like
(13:40):
living in a group, and therefore we are hardwired to
seek our place in society in the hierarchy. Were a
hardwaveed to require structure, hierarchy leadership. And also we're hardware
to collaborate. We like helping others. And it's not enough
to simply go on a go fund Me page. That
(14:01):
doesn't increase your dopamine. What does is physically helping. And
so that's why people say you'd be surprised if you
ask for help, how many people will help you, and
they will enjoy helping you. And if you look into
someone's eyes, your dopamine will go up, your oxytocin will
go up, so your.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Heart rate reduces. You feel good.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
And the more marginalized you are, the more injur realistic
you are, the more miserable you're going to get. And
yet the more miserable you get, you then seek more pleasure.
And the chemistry is that the more dopamine you seek,
the lower your serotonin, and serotonin is your peace of mind.
You're transmitter, So the more pleasure you seek, the less
(14:41):
happy you are, and yet in the last one hundred
and fifty years we forget, We've forgotten to concentrate. Our
pleasure has come in smaller and smaller chunks. So one
hundred and fifty years ago, you could go to an
art gallery and spend hours looking the painting and appreciating
it and appreciating the story behind it, the technique behind it.
(15:04):
Now you need quick fixes. And the same goes from music.
You need you need the instant gratification, and that started
really with industrial revolution, and social media is the absolute
pinnacle where you're constantly seeking hit after hit after hit,
and if you reduce structure, what you then get is
(15:26):
increased self absorption, increased entitlement, and with entitlement comes reduced responsibility.
So one of the definitions of personality disorder is tribe incompatibility.
They are harmful to the tribe. Imagine that, and therefore
(15:48):
we are all hard to are to be tribe compatible,
and it feels good when we do it. But with lockdown,
with living at home, well with working from home with more,
with increased self absorption, we are being phenotypically, we are
effectively becoming less tribe compatible, and the kids are losing
(16:10):
their social skills. So Alexi, you told me you saw people,
four people in a restaurant, they are all looking at
their phones. I was at a dinner party and I
checked on the kids and there were six kids, all
on iPad, all on the phone. It is tantamount to criminalism.
It is criminal a destruction of society.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
So I'm going to go back to a thing I
mentioned in the past again. I call it the lift moment.
I have to use a lift when I'm at work
to get to the office. And it's just one example
where you will invariably most likely have the potential to
interact with someone else that you don't know, and you've
(16:55):
got a choice. When you get in that lift, you
can go very quiet, wait till you go up the
two three floors.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
It is get doors open.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
You say goodbye, and you go to your to your
to your floor, or as I do, at least half
the time.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I'm not saying I do it every time.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
I will look at that person I've never met before,
go how are you good morning? Isn't it funny that
whatever it may be, something trivial that gets them to
interact with me, It does. It does a few things.
It makes them I've acknowledged them. I see them. They're
(17:32):
no longer that invisible person that is not having a
great day that has to go to work. As we
just described, I then may make them smile by saying
something that's got the right sense of timing, that is,
I don't know, a funny little comment observation. And I've
looked at them straight in the eyes as well and
acknowledged them and said, hope you have a great day, Hello,
(17:54):
how are you whatever? That can make a difference to
someone's day, that if that person did that to you you,
how would you feel? Suddenly you look at society or
at that day in a different way. You are pepped
up your a little bit more optimistic, bit more positive.
And that for me, you can do that wherever when
(18:15):
you're shopping, when you are going to your local coffee bar,
there's nothing stopping you in turning around and looking left
and going how are you doing?
Speaker 1 (18:23):
We need to unemphasize that. So powerful is social connection
in terms of the health giving attributes that it's been
shown in studies, so the Sardinia longevity study, because Sardinia
has the place where it has the largest concentration of octogenurians,
people above the age of eighty, and they look at
(18:46):
the top ten criteria with determines longevity, which includes exercise,
blood sugar control, blood pressure control, flu jab. The top two, however,
were the number of close friends you can rely on
in an emergency number one the number of human contacts
you have during the day with people you know or
(19:08):
you don't know. And another study in a little village
called Rosetta in Ottawa in America after the Second World War,
one of there was a conference in cardiology and one
of the doctors told another and he said, there's no
heart attacks in this in this area, in this town,
whereas the rest of America's is dissolving onto the way
(19:29):
to heart attacks.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
And an to you to your point about close friends.
I didn't make it to a very good friend's birthday
party because on my foot. It was just when I
injured it and I couldn't travel. I really wanted to
be there, but any it doesn't matter. I couldn't make it.
So this friend took a video and in that video
to then share with other people that couldn't make it
(19:50):
as well. Because they have friends from all over the world.
They are South Africa's but have friends from Israel, UK whatever.
She and I won't mention her name, but she mention
something which I found very touching about close friends, and
she goes, I define a close friend as somebody that
you can call at three o'clock in the morning when
(20:11):
you need help and they would not hesitate to help you.
That's a close friend. Now I'm not judging anyone, but
how many of those have you got?
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Correct? And that for me says a lot. It's a
great sense of security, isn't it.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
And it's a great barometer as to really what friendship
is about about. We're talking about connection, happiness, being genuine,
someone knowing you really for who you are, not for
who you project or what avatar you've created. You know,
you fake it till you make it. You really are
a genuine person, and then you attract another genuine person
(20:46):
who becomes your friend who likes you for who you are.
And it works both ways as you and I would
I would help you out at if I'm in a country,
I would drop everything for you. That goes without without evening.
We don't even need to say it, But how many
people do you know like that?
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Who will do that?
Speaker 1 (21:01):
And how many people can you are like that? If
your social media friends or connections, because they don't even
know the real you do they.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
That won't happen because that is, as you said, it's
an illusian it's a we. Again, the word perspective, I
think is so so important but yet also very dangerous
because you have you I hear this often recently. You
know it's it's when you have sorry, the government creating
a narrative you look at sorry to say that that.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
I won't mention the president of the United States. I
can't even say his.
Speaker 3 (21:35):
Name, but he will create a narrative and say it
often enough so that it becomes it's perceived as being
real as reality, whereas it's probably completely against the law,
it's completely wrong. But because that individual has mentioned it
five six, seven, eight times, he's created you begin to
believe agin to believe it. And that is where the
(21:57):
world we're living in now.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Absolutely and true friends, though you see, you have to
live amongst them. That's the key, not see pictures of them.
And the second study they started in Ottawa, they found
that the group of people in Ottawa that determined the
lack of heart attacks was actually a group of Italian
(22:21):
immigrants and they thought, wow, is their diet different? Are
they exercise? Definitely, no, they had a worse diet. There
were more couch potatoes. But what they did do is
three or four generations lived together in the same house
and there was a high degree of respect for everyone's roles.
So again it was very close human connection and knowing
(22:43):
your place in society and hierarchy, which gives you a
sense of calm.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
And also it's a sense of self worth, identity, identity,
a self worth, dignity, confidence. And also going back to
the tribal thing, you know, own your value in that tribe.
You know you're value in the tribe, and that's so
important because you are told, you feel you continually interact
(23:09):
with those people, the tribe family, You're gonna have a
tribal work family as well. And if you are in
the right culture work, which is very rare, I am,
but it's very rare, then the person who creates that
culture makes you believe that you are a contributor and
you are important to that team within that team and
(23:29):
society and such and that and that is that is
that is hugely powerful. It is your subconscious your consciousness
your your self esteem, your pride.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
It hits all the it hits all the right.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
Buttons, and that is what motivates people. And that's what
makes people get out of bed and say, I want
to do this today.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
It gives me pleasure to do it. I would do
it even if I wasn't paid to do it. You
see that, And that's the secret. The power of that
is that it's a sorrow good family. That's the power.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
So you see, anything that ends up being effective is
usually a surrogate family or a surrogate religion, which is
more or less the same thing, because that's it's it's
a religion that's a transcontinental tribe and those and you
have surrendering peace of mind as long as you have faith.
So humans have evolved to have faith. It's important to
(24:22):
understand that. And the in fact it's it's interesting because
if you if you look at a story from ancient Greece,
and in fact it's it's called it's called Socrates Symposium
on Love. So so before the birth of Christ in
(24:44):
ancient Athens, there's a group of people who had a
banquet and they overdid it. They drunk too much. So
the next evening they said, well, let's go easy on
the drink, and let's instead of intellectual conversation, because that's
what they valued. And someone said, why do we talk
about love? So they side to talk about love, and
one person said that love is you love that which
you do not have. So, for instance, a fat person
(25:06):
loves thin people, and that kind of thing. You can
understand that. Someone else said, well, many many years ago,
humans used to exist as being fused along the back,
so you had two heads, four arms, four legs, and
they used to perambulate by doing cartwheels. And they were
very strong, very powerful, very fast, until they thought they
(25:28):
could challenge the authority of the gods and zoos to
teach them a lesson, cleave them with this thunder down
the middle of the back. So he turned them into
having one head and two arms and two legs. And
that's the origin that we seek our other half. That
is the mythological origin. Socrates came and he was late,
(25:49):
and he said, sorry late, I've just come from the
oracle of Delphi, and the high priestess there said to
me that love is the pursuit of immortality. Now some
people will seek it by changing the pages of history
effectively married to their jobs, doing the best possible job
(26:11):
they can. Most people settle for immortality, so immediately goes
back to the idea that it's your family. But then
it immediately has to go back to stop seeking the ultimate.
You need someone good enough who doesn't mess with your
peace of mind so you can enjoy and have a
(26:32):
chance to follow your hard wired nature of developing your
own happiness with your kids being the source of happiness
rather than your partner. Your partner is exactly that she
partners up with you in seeking immortality.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
I think with your partner, I think you need to
be careful with the kids for sure, but you need
to have also harmony a base of love and happiness
with your partner as well.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
But not so not the most beautiful the sex, so
it's not interesting.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
But then again, then again, you shouldn't settle for second best.
And I see a lot of people go take what
you've just said to literally to the letter and will
compromise to the point where they are comfortable with that person.
They enjoy living with them, they like them very much.
(27:32):
They may actually on a deep level love them, but
there's no infatuation. They're not in love and they treated
like they approach it like as a business case, nearly
just as.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
A I want, you know, the.
Speaker 3 (27:48):
Eight out of ten, the seven out of ten compromise,
so that I've got a great chance of having a
long term relationship, and you also mitigate any risks of
divorce or risk of that person, you know, fleecing you
for what you've got. On a materialistic level, I think
that's a shame as well. I think you have to
(28:08):
be very careful not to settle for second best because
you believe.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
That that's the way to survive and get through life.
I think, yeah, I think you've got to be very
careful as well. Well.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
The I mean, yes, But the answer is, it's not
just the principle of second best. It has to be
with no deal breakers. Because if there isn't a deal breaker,
if your peace of mind, if you have peace of
mind with that person, clearly they have to be a
person of a certain level, and then you'll generate your
(28:40):
own happiness.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Somebody in my family scheduled me a year or two
years ago. He said, there is a man now, he's
about seventy nine years of age, and he told me
that he only got to know himself when he was
sixty two.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Now, that for me is the.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
Base of happiness because if you do not know yourself
and you do not love yourself, and sorry to use
all the all the crass lines that you hear everyone
on social media, but it's true in my mind. If
you do not love yourself and know yourself and accept
yourself for who you are, then how is anybody else
going to accept you, accept you who you are? But
(29:17):
how are you going to attract the right person that
accepts you for who you are? It gives you that
freedom to be who you are, to go often, have
your hobbies and do your thing as well, to allow
you to still be yourself, not to own you or
to ask you to change and be more what they
want you to be. You can still be yourself because
(29:39):
they love you for who you are, but they like
but simultaneously they like them, they love themselves for who
they are as well. Yes, so then you are living.
You're living what I call in reality without a lie,
without this materialistic, made up reality, this illusion that obviously
(30:00):
is not reality. And then you can get through I
believe more of life. You can survive a lot easier
because you are true to yourself and for example, I
can be with my wife at home on the weekend
and we do not need to go to the restaurant.
We do not need to go on the trip to
(30:22):
the place where the people are with the car. We
can't care less. We're is happy to be in each
other's company. And I think that says everything for me.
Rather than keeping up appearances driving in the latest suv
and then barking it outside the restaurant in the right
place to show off look at what I've got it,
(30:42):
this defines who I am because I'm obviously comfortable and
well off.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
It is all I don't want to use the words,
but all a load of what is so.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Knowing yourself and having your entac self esteem is of
course one of the mechanisms by which you find someone
who allows you to have peace mind. Absolutely correct, and
in fact that that level of self awareness is absolutely crucial,
because if you don't, then you become guess what, You
(31:11):
become enamored with social media, you become obsessed with just
giving some kind of illusionary presence in society.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
And you're not eternally searching for something correct. That's important
and in.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Fact, our definition of freedom, which we defined a couple
of years ago. Is not doing what you want when
you want, however much you want, as long as you
don't do harm. It's having the ability to function according
to values and beliefs in a functional environment. And in
order to do that, you have to know yourself, know
your identity, value yourself, and then you don't compromise.
Speaker 3 (31:48):
But the issue that we've got at the moment in
the society that we've got worldwide now is everything is
about consumeric.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
I can't say consumerism.
Speaker 3 (31:57):
It's about money. It still is about status, even though
that's changing, thank god, it's changing for the better. And
that then is not compatible with the people that maybe
do let's say get it, that are happy in themselves
and want to lead let's say a simpler life, and
you still have pressures, whether peer pressure or psychological pressure
(32:19):
or social media pressure to Like I mentioned this a
while ago, there was this influencer in China. She said
she had how many millions of hits, you know, really
won our top influencer, and then she was posting in
them what we call the what do you call it?
The green the green room that she created of all
these amazing exotic holidays and saying I'm here, I'm there,
(32:42):
Look at me?
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Aren't I doing well?
Speaker 3 (32:45):
And then unfortunately she didn't pay a rent for two months,
so the landlord decided to go online and actually post
the flat picture of the flat with rubbish everywhere, and
made it very clear that this influencer that you're all following,
by the way, this is actually her life. She's not
paying the rent and this is her reality. And the
millions of followers which saw that where we're like, oh,
(33:07):
I was believing what I was seeing. I was believing
in the illusion, and I don't think she's the only
one out there doing that.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Well.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
It reminds us, of course, that Instagram doesn't pay its creators.
Speaker 4 (33:15):
That is one of the sad issues of it, maybe,
but I think I think the point is that a
lot of people out there so gullible, in not gullible,
but they have a.
Speaker 3 (33:28):
Need to click, touch and believe in what they see.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Because people follow There are very few freethinkers, as exemplified
with COVID. It was very very few people who were
highly skeptical and quite frankly didn't believe it. But as
time has gone on, it's those free thinkers who turned
out to be right, I like any last words.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Well, all I'm going to carry on saying is that
if you do not.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
Allow yourself to stop and think and just be, and
you're eternally searching for the next challenge, the next thing,
the next object, then you are you're not really being
honest with yourself and reflecting on really what's important to you.
I think the message for me is just to be
(34:22):
honest to yourself, take a step back and think about
what you're doing. And I think the self awareness are
that that those two words, although or that word is huge.
Having self awareness, I think is a massive thing is
to do with emotional intelligence, and until you really develop that,
which then goes into gratefulness, which is I think one
(34:46):
of the key attributes of anybody who is either a
happy or being a verticome as successful. I've never met
a what I call a really successful person who isn't
grateful in more ways than one. Grateful for what they've got,
grateful for how they got there, grateful for who's around them,
gratefulness for me, which is part of self awareness, which
(35:07):
is part of motion intelligence, is key, and I think
until you get that, you're always going to be either anxious, aggressive,
constantly and constantly.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Just not balanced. I said, good.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Life gratitude is not instant gratification, is it. No, it's
the opposite, completely opposite. So you're absolutely correct. So it's
self awareness, living at the moment, enjoying the journey, ensuring
that you have your tribe that you're living in and
collaborating in, and accepting the good enough without deal breakers
(35:43):
that lets you generate your own happiness, focusing on your
family and kids. Agreed, fantastic, Thank you very much, Take
care everyone, God bless
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!