January 31, 2022 • 24 mins
It's 2022...isn't it time we "un-normalize" coming from, being in and creating dysfunctional relationships? Time to destroy this theme of our lives now. Tune in as OEV shares why January 31st is an interesting day to start the End of Dysfunctional 'Ships in 2022.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Welcome to the Ships and Sex Podcastswith your host Octav Evans aka O E
V, the Big Sister of yourships and the Harriet Tubman of your sex
life. This is the podcast thatgets you from frustration to liberation and your
ships and your sex by exposing theills our relationships and the refrustration and repression
of our sex lives. Are theygone guns? Dry? Fanis to do
(00:23):
it this for life? Didn't yousay make guns don will get it.
I'll feel jazz the ship sun sex? They gone guns dry famish to do
it this for life? Didn't yousay make guns don will get it?
I'll feel jazz the ships in sex? Mom? Yeah, what's up everyone?
Thank you for joining me on theShips and six podcast. What's Your
(00:44):
Girl? I TV Evans aka oEV and I help high achievment women of
faith embrace their sexuality in order tocreate the ships and sex life of their
dreams without compromising their faith. Iam so happy to be with you all.
Today is a very interesting and specialday for me, and I'm going
to share that with you this podcast. When I started this way back in
(01:07):
twenty eighteen, and I did arevamp and all of that, this podcast
has always been one that I wantedto talk about our relationships and our sex
lives. I think that's an areathat many of us struggle in. So
I want to be the one tobe a repair of the breach in that
and help in leading and guiding usand having conversations about the ills of our
(01:30):
relationships and the repression of our sexlives this time around in January twenty twenty
two. This is the end ofJanuary. This is January thirty. First,
I'm going to tell you about theday in just a second. But
what my goal is for this yearin podcasting not just talk about the issues
of relationships and of sex for thoseof faith, for the women of faith,
(01:53):
but also to offer open discussions andstart discussions, of course, but
to offer practical solutions. And sometimesthere won't be a straightforward solution, but
it will be something we can discussand talk about and come up with for
individually ourselves, right, for ourselvesindividually. Right. Everything won't always be
(02:15):
collectively, but we can collectively havethe conversation or start the conversation. So
with that, let me just sayhappy first heavenly birthday to my dad.
My dad passed October third, twentytwenty one, and I did get a
chance to see him before he wenton and I actually drove home to see
(02:36):
him. I drove, man,it was like a three hour drive to
drive home, but I literally gotthere in two hours and didn't even realize
it. I was there in twohours. Didn't know how much time I
had, and unfortunately that was thecase with both my parents. I didn't
know how much time I had.My mom, I did fly and I
did get, you know, morethan just a few hours with her than
(02:57):
I did with my dad. Andwith my dad, I think that was
a Sunday night, really like superearly Monday morning, and he was gone
by that Wednesday. I got thecall Wednesday. My dad and I did
not have the best relationship. Iwas really I was super cordial with my
dad, but I grew up inan abusive home where he was my first
(03:20):
abuser and he also abused my mom. Now my dad never admitted I did
confront my dad, threw letter fromI wrote a letter. It was part
of my therapy at session at thetime for angle management because it took on
because it was physical abuse that Isuffered, which I didn't realize was even
called child abuse. It was reallychild abuse until November of twenty twenty one,
(03:43):
because I always looked at it asdiscipline. Discipline, right, and
that's what he said it was whenI confronted him. He never took ownership
of responsibility. When I confronted himabout what he did to my mom,
he just said they were young andstupid. What all the being said.
The point of this episode today isto talk about something. I think it's
(04:03):
big when it comes to our relationships, because one of the things that got
me dealing with my father was thefact that I loved my abuser. That's
such a conflict and it is timeout. It is time for us to
stop normalizing these types of relationships wherewe love our abusers. And this doesn't
(04:24):
just happen in parent chour relationships.This actually can happen in sibling relationships where
there's sibling robberies and whatnot. Butmarriages. We put so much emphasis on
respecting our elders and respecting our parentsand honoring them, and we put so
much emphasis on marriage being honorable aboveall that. I think what's been happening
(04:47):
is we've been accepting subpar treatment frompeople that we share these particular unions with
I didn't have a choice but toaccept what my dad did to me because
that was my father. I wasliving in a home with him and my
mom and he was abusing us,So what could I do? And I
(05:08):
was just at a loss. Andit's just the way I had to live.
And those that are in marriages,those a little bit different because we're
grown right and women can actually leave, you know. I've helped women leave
strategically, leave not the marriage,but the home they were being abused in.
It's time that we got to stopnormalizing that. Struggle love and struggle
(05:30):
life. We got to stop normalizingthat. And where it starts is in
calling out, recognizing and calling outdysfunctional dysfunction and dysfunctional family, dysfunctional everything.
For some reason, in our communitiesthis seems to be accepted. But
I'm glad people are waking up today. I'm glad people are waking up today
(05:51):
because you're here. People you know, really criticize marriage. Marriages for example,
today they don't stay together like theyused to, like in our grand
parents' age and whatnot. Well,yeah, because divorce wasn't as prevalent back
then as it is today. Mostoftentimes because women didn't really have anywhere to
go if they were to divorce.They didn't know where their options were,
(06:13):
like financially, and on top ofthat, it was a huge stigma attached
to it, which is still apart of that today, but not as
bad as it was back then.It was a big thing to be a
divorced woman back in those days,especially in particular communities. So it was
kind of like, yo, wegot to stay here, We got to
stick this out. Whether I takeabuse or whether I take you know,
(06:36):
blowing the finances, whatever I gottadeal with or put up with, I'm
gonna stay married, you know,whether he was philandering and monogamy or whatever
it was. And so we lookback at our grandparents marriages and we're like,
they stayed together all this time.But if you didn't see happiness along
with that longevity, then it wasjust longevity and convenience of being together.
(06:59):
And you don't really know what bigMama or grandmother or Medea whatever the grandmother's
name or you know, grandmother's greatgrandmothers were names were. You didn't know
what they were dealing with and whythey felt like they had to stay.
I remember someone bringing up the omlishcommunity how they had zero percent divorce And
(07:20):
then I started researching and I foundout that, of course they too do
not get I don't know. Ithink recently heard in the last few years
they started getting the divorce. Ithink it's not like a three percent divorce
rate, but they had one hundredpercent matter rate for example. But we
don't know what was going on inthose marriages. And as I began to
do research, there were ladies whowent undercover and were like talking about how
(07:42):
horrible their marriages were. And somy point, it's not just about marriages,
it's about how we relate in general, how we are relating. And
this podcast is called Ships and Sex. Ships is of course play on words.
It's short, you know, forrelationships. Our ships and sex are
important and should be important to us. But we got to get out of
this phase dealing with all of thisdysfunction. Life should not always be a
(08:05):
struggle in our relationships. We shouldnot always have to be raised in this
mess and then grow up and haveto deal with the repercussions of it and
the residue of it, and thenwe're messing up relationships and how to relate
to the opposite sex because of whatwe dealt with growing up, and then
we go through all this mess,and then we're older, and then we
realize we spent all of these yearsin dysfunction and ending relationships because of dysfunction
(08:33):
and rejection and all the things.I want to just talk a little bit
about that. Dysfunctional families oftentimes arecreating dysfunctional adults. You know, children
who grow up to be adults whoactually you know, they relate with others,
end up bringing children in this world, and they end up bringing them
into a dysfunctional world, dysfunctional space, and dysfunctional place. And what is
(08:58):
a dysfunctional family? Because when Ilook at my own life growing up with
my mom and dad in the home, it was not a very good upbringing.
It was not a very good home. I never knew when my dad
was gonna beat on my mom.And it could be several days in a
row, it could be maybe onetime and weeks past, and you just
(09:20):
hoping it it. Oh, you'relike, wow on a roll here it
doesn't happen again, And then itdoes happen again, and it just you
know, walking on eggshells, sleeping, not knowing if you're you know,
when I was sleep, I wouldn'tI wasn't really getting good sleep because I
would oftentimes walk up the middle ofnight by my mother's screams, and I
would try to go and save her, and I felt like I was responsible
(09:41):
for her and all of those thingsthat a child should never ever have to
do. And so when I thinkabout dysfunctional families, when if you ever
look it up, dysfunctional family ischaracterized by conflict, misbehavior, or abuse.
And there's the word abuse. Relationshipsbetween family members are tense, can
be filled with neglect, yelling,screaming, and all types of abuse.
(10:05):
You might feel forced to happily acceptnegative treatment. That's pretty much what I
had to do. I had toaccept negative treatment. My mother did not
have to accept it, but shechose to do so by staying. And
hey, it's a lot of thingsI can talk about when it comes to
people's staying. And I'm not throwingwomen under the bus for staying or anything
like that. Definitely not throwing mymom under the bus makes you rest,
(10:26):
continue to rest in power. Butchildren, if the woman doesn't strategically figure
out a way to get hurt andher children out of there, children are
actually forced to accept negative treatment.We have to fix our face. Remember
they tell you to fix your faceand all of that. We have to
do it with a smile on ourface. So we have to do it
with a better attitude. Y'all feelme like there's no open space to express
(10:50):
your thoughts and feelings freely because youcan be punished toward, beaten forward,
slap, you know, yelled atforward, put down for it. It's
just a huge, huge burden toburn. I don't wish up on anyone,
and I'm grateful that I was ableto connect with a man relationally after
time and therapy, and then continuetime in therapy, I was able to
(11:11):
connect with a man who was notfrom abusive home, was from a very
healthy, two parent home, believinghome, and so we were able to
marry and create, procreate and raisefive and continue to raise five beautiful children
in a home full of love andprotection and function if you will. They're
actually pretty privileged, and that's theway I feel like it should be.
(11:33):
So I really just wanted to getnone of this has written now. Normally
I have notes and things, butI didn't have that today for this podcast,
simply because I just want to sharereally from my heart on the impact
that dysfunctional families have on society,on the environment, on how we relate
relationally with each other as well assexually. We're bringing children into being dysfunctional
(11:58):
beings, and then we're bringing childreninto that We're causing them to be dysfunctional,
and children who grow up to bedysfunctional adults, and then they don't
function properly in society, and thenthey're having to constantly figure out what's wrong
with them or why, or they'reacting out, or they might end up
in jail, they might end upwith several children by several people, they
might end up harming themselves. It'sjust a lot, and it's just we
(12:22):
got to get past that. Wecan't keep normalizing this. It shouldn't always
have to be. We got toovercome trauma to eventually get to a better
life. Can we start producing childrenhaving some healthy relationships that produce as healthy
children who go out and create healthyspaces in society. That's relationship goes right.
(12:43):
There's how we relate parentally, youknow, in siblings, siblingships,
kinships, friendships, romantic ships.Can we get to a point where we
are relating healthily where there's conflict thatcomes up and we can deal with it.
We're not hitting and spitting and beatingand all of this. Can we
(13:07):
get to that point and I believethat we can. I would like I
was like, this is something Iwould like to see done more collectively.
I'm not against it happening on afamily by family, person by person basis.
We have to start somewhere, andI believe that I'm part of this.
You know, I've been and myhusband have been part of the solution,
and I pray and believe, hopethat there's more and I'm not I
(13:30):
don't ever push divorce for those whoare married. I don't ever push it
because I believe that it's something thatyou have to come to a point of
doing based upon the best interest wasfor you. I am definitely for separation,
but at the end of the day, I would I if a woman
feels like that's what she needs todo to get out of that situation because
(13:52):
it's dysfunctional, she's being abused,misused, and all of those things,
then I encourage her to separate.Get out of any type of abuse of
homes where there's narcissism going on,abuse gaslighting. I want us to start
leaving, walking away from dysfunction,run from it. Whatever you got to
skip from, I don't care.It's time for us to run from dysfunction
(14:16):
and get to function. Now.I'm not always one who believes in what
the masses believe. Okay, justbecause the majority of people believe something doesn't
make it right, true, orwhat's best. In this case, however,
dysfunction the way it is described,I am for the mass definition on
this of the you know, themass agreement in this in what dysfunction is,
(14:41):
and that we need to It's timeto annihilate it. It's time to
uproot it. Do y'all know I'mgonna end with this. Do y'all know
how hard, and many of youmay know this, how hard it is
out here in these streets to overcomebeing raised in dysfunction, where there was
abuse, misuse, misbehavior, constantconflict, not being able to sleep at
(15:07):
night comfortably, not wanting to gohome, always wanting to stay at other
people's home, or like your grandmother'shome, or what places where you were
protected, And when you're growing up, you don't really understand, Hey,
I'm not being protected A hi I'mnot. You may not even understand that
because you're really young, but youjust know what it feels like. You
(15:30):
know what I mean. You knowwhat it feels like because like when you're
at school, you feel better thanwhen you're at home, or when you're
at your grandparents' house, you feelbetter than when you're at home. When
you a constant like I don't wantto go home, I don't want to
be around him or her or whoeverit is. It's just like when someone's
being sexual abusing and that person comesaround their home, and let's say that
(15:50):
they're related to the family. Whenthat person comes over you, you tense
up, your heart beats you faster, you get anxiety, all these things,
and you just but you know whatprotection feels like, because when you
go off with your friends, orwhen you go at Grandmamy's house or Grandaddy's
or whatever, nana's house, andyou feel so much protection and you never
(16:11):
want to leave that. That's whatI want us to go towards. That's
what I want us to be magnetitudesprotection. No one would like to be
safe to be in relationships where theycare for you, you care for them
well, they consider your feelings considertheirs where they're actually interested in you and
(16:36):
not just controlling you, interested inyou and what you want to do,
and the person that you are.People loving you for who you are in
spite of all your flaws and issues, loving you, and you loving them.
I would like to see us gotowards more function, go towards more
function. That's the opposite of dysfunction. In function, there's peace, not
(17:00):
just you know, like in dysfunctionthere's conflict of conflict and constant conflict.
In function there's conflict resolution peacefully,and dysfunction has misbehavior. But in function
there's those behaving kindly towards one another. In this function, there's abuse and
misuse and mistreatment. In function,there's respect because when there's abuse, that
(17:29):
means there's no respect. There's norespect for that woman, that child,
even that man, there's no respect. But in function there's respect even for
children. You respect them as thelittle people that they are, because there's
still people, there's still human beings. There's respect, there's love, there's
confidence, you know, instead ofbeing low self stem, that's high selfstein.
(17:52):
There's confidence, there's safety, there'sprotection. I mean, we may
not can control everything in this world. But we can control who we relate
with, who we relate with,and who we procreate with. And if
we've made decisions in the past thatdidn't show as function, then we have
twenty twenty two to do it.We can do it right now. It's
(18:15):
January thirty first, and I wishupon you all you know, peace,
prosperity, safety, protection, love, confidence, the atmosphere and the space
to be vulnerable without being attacked,but around people who will hold space for
you and protect you and love youfor who you are and where you are
(18:37):
in life, and that you willcontinue to get better. We got to
get to the point to move awayfrom dysfunction. It's time for us to
run away from it and get tofunction. Find families, find people who
operate in function, get around thosepeople, get therapy, get coaches,
(18:59):
get whatever you need. This isa year to do that. So even
though I didn't have the best relationshipwith my dad, he was still my
dad. And yes, it's aconflict to love someone who abused you.
And I'm still working towards forgiveness andI feel like I'm getting closer and closer
to that every day because I needto do that. I really do need
to forgive me. It's gone now. But today we can get to function.
(19:21):
Okay, we can get there thatwe could strive to do that.
We strive to make money, right, we want to strive to you know,
have assets. Let's strive to haverelational assets. We'll get the sexual
assets one day too, but let'sstrive to have relational assets. Relationships that
last. That means something that thecurrency that we spend with one another should
(19:44):
always be good. Functional. Okay, that's really all I wanted to share
with y'all today. Happy birthday tomy father. First heavenly birthday. I'm
just gonna believe that's what it is, heaveny birthday, and that's all I
got. I love y'all. Thankyou for tuning in. Make sure you're
sharing your podcast with others, andalso don't forget to pre order my latest
(20:07):
book, Nine Things women should aska man for giving him sex. Go
to Things Women Should ask Aman dotcom or find you on any of my
social medias and click the link inmy bio and it will take you to
the page where you can click onto order the book Nine Things women should
ask a man before giving him sex. Remember embracing your sexuality helps you to
(20:30):
create the ships and sex life ofyour dreams without compromising your faith. Much love,
Welcome to the Ships and Sex Podcastswith your host Octav Evans aka O E
V, the Big Sister of yourships and the Harriet Tubman of your sex
life. This is the podcast thatgets you from frustration to liberation and your
ships and your sex by exposing theills our relationships and the refrustration and repression
of our sex lives. Are theygone guns? Dry? Fanis to do
(00:23):
it this for life? Didn't yousay make guns don will get it.
I'll feel jazz the ship sun sex? They gone guns dry famish to do
it this for life? Didn't yousay make guns don will get it?
I'll feel jazz the ships in sex? Mom? Yeah, what's up everyone?
Thank you for joining me on theShips and six podcast. What's Your
(00:44):
Girl? I TV Evans aka oEV and I help high achievment women of
faith embrace their sexuality in order tocreate the ships and sex life of their
dreams without compromising their faith. Iam so happy to be with you all.
Today is a very interesting and specialday for me, and I'm going
to share that with you this podcast. When I started this way back in
(01:07):
twenty eighteen, and I did arevamp and all of that, this podcast
has always been one that I wantedto talk about our relationships and our sex
lives. I think that's an areathat many of us struggle in. So
I want to be the one tobe a repair of the breach in that
and help in leading and guiding usand having conversations about the ills of our
(01:30):
relationships and the repression of our sexlives this time around in January twenty twenty
two. This is the end ofJanuary. This is January thirty. First,
I'm going to tell you about theday in just a second. But
what my goal is for this yearin podcasting not just talk about the issues
of relationships and of sex for thoseof faith, for the women of faith,
(01:53):
but also to offer open discussions andstart discussions, of course, but
to offer practical solutions. And sometimesthere won't be a straightforward solution, but
it will be something we can discussand talk about and come up with for
individually ourselves, right, for ourselvesindividually. Right. Everything won't always be
(02:15):
collectively, but we can collectively havethe conversation or start the conversation. So
with that, let me just sayhappy first heavenly birthday to my dad.
My dad passed October third, twentytwenty one, and I did get a
chance to see him before he wenton and I actually drove home to see
(02:36):
him. I drove, man,it was like a three hour drive to
drive home, but I literally gotthere in two hours and didn't even realize
it. I was there in twohours. Didn't know how much time I
had, and unfortunately that was thecase with both my parents. I didn't
know how much time I had.My mom, I did fly and I
did get, you know, morethan just a few hours with her than
(02:57):
I did with my dad. Andwith my dad, I think that was
a Sunday night, really like superearly Monday morning, and he was gone
by that Wednesday. I got thecall Wednesday. My dad and I did
not have the best relationship. Iwas really I was super cordial with my
dad, but I grew up inan abusive home where he was my first
(03:20):
abuser and he also abused my mom. Now my dad never admitted I did
confront my dad, threw letter fromI wrote a letter. It was part
of my therapy at session at thetime for angle management because it took on
because it was physical abuse that Isuffered, which I didn't realize was even
called child abuse. It was reallychild abuse until November of twenty twenty one,
(03:43):
because I always looked at it asdiscipline. Discipline, right, and
that's what he said it was whenI confronted him. He never took ownership
of responsibility. When I confronted himabout what he did to my mom,
he just said they were young andstupid. What all the being said.
The point of this episode today isto talk about something. I think it's
(04:03):
big when it comes to our relationships, because one of the things that got
me dealing with my father was thefact that I loved my abuser. That's
such a conflict and it is timeout. It is time for us to
stop normalizing these types of relationships wherewe love our abusers. And this doesn't
(04:24):
just happen in parent chour relationships.This actually can happen in sibling relationships where
there's sibling robberies and whatnot. Butmarriages. We put so much emphasis on
respecting our elders and respecting our parentsand honoring them, and we put so
much emphasis on marriage being honorable aboveall that. I think what's been happening
(04:47):
is we've been accepting subpar treatment frompeople that we share these particular unions with
I didn't have a choice but toaccept what my dad did to me because
that was my father. I wasliving in a home with him and my
mom and he was abusing us,So what could I do? And I
(05:08):
was just at a loss. Andit's just the way I had to live.
And those that are in marriages,those a little bit different because we're
grown right and women can actually leave, you know. I've helped women leave
strategically, leave not the marriage,but the home they were being abused in.
It's time that we got to stopnormalizing that. Struggle love and struggle
(05:30):
life. We got to stop normalizingthat. And where it starts is in
calling out, recognizing and calling outdysfunctional dysfunction and dysfunctional family, dysfunctional everything.
For some reason, in our communitiesthis seems to be accepted. But
I'm glad people are waking up today. I'm glad people are waking up today
(05:51):
because you're here. People you know, really criticize marriage. Marriages for example,
today they don't stay together like theyused to, like in our grand
parents' age and whatnot. Well,yeah, because divorce wasn't as prevalent back
then as it is today. Mostoftentimes because women didn't really have anywhere to
go if they were to divorce.They didn't know where their options were,
(06:13):
like financially, and on top ofthat, it was a huge stigma attached
to it, which is still apart of that today, but not as
bad as it was back then.It was a big thing to be a
divorced woman back in those days,especially in particular communities. So it was
kind of like, yo, wegot to stay here, We got to
stick this out. Whether I takeabuse or whether I take you know,
(06:36):
blowing the finances, whatever I gottadeal with or put up with, I'm
gonna stay married, you know,whether he was philandering and monogamy or whatever
it was. And so we lookback at our grandparents marriages and we're like,
they stayed together all this time.But if you didn't see happiness along
with that longevity, then it wasjust longevity and convenience of being together.
(06:59):
And you don't really know what bigMama or grandmother or Medea whatever the grandmother's
name or you know, grandmother's greatgrandmothers were names were. You didn't know
what they were dealing with and whythey felt like they had to stay.
I remember someone bringing up the omlishcommunity how they had zero percent divorce And
(07:20):
then I started researching and I foundout that, of course they too do
not get I don't know. Ithink recently heard in the last few years
they started getting the divorce. Ithink it's not like a three percent divorce
rate, but they had one hundredpercent matter rate for example. But we
don't know what was going on inthose marriages. And as I began to
do research, there were ladies whowent undercover and were like talking about how
(07:42):
horrible their marriages were. And somy point, it's not just about marriages,
it's about how we relate in general, how we are relating. And
this podcast is called Ships and Sex. Ships is of course play on words.
It's short, you know, forrelationships. Our ships and sex are
important and should be important to us. But we got to get out of
this phase dealing with all of thisdysfunction. Life should not always be a
(08:05):
struggle in our relationships. We shouldnot always have to be raised in this
mess and then grow up and haveto deal with the repercussions of it and
the residue of it, and thenwe're messing up relationships and how to relate
to the opposite sex because of whatwe dealt with growing up, and then
we go through all this mess,and then we're older, and then we
realize we spent all of these yearsin dysfunction and ending relationships because of dysfunction
(08:33):
and rejection and all the things.I want to just talk a little bit
about that. Dysfunctional families oftentimes arecreating dysfunctional adults. You know, children
who grow up to be adults whoactually you know, they relate with others,
end up bringing children in this world, and they end up bringing them
into a dysfunctional world, dysfunctional space, and dysfunctional place. And what is
(08:58):
a dysfunctional family? Because when Ilook at my own life growing up with
my mom and dad in the home, it was not a very good upbringing.
It was not a very good home. I never knew when my dad
was gonna beat on my mom.And it could be several days in a
row, it could be maybe onetime and weeks past, and you just
(09:20):
hoping it it. Oh, you'relike, wow on a roll here it
doesn't happen again, And then itdoes happen again, and it just you
know, walking on eggshells, sleeping, not knowing if you're you know,
when I was sleep, I wouldn'tI wasn't really getting good sleep because I
would oftentimes walk up the middle ofnight by my mother's screams, and I
would try to go and save her, and I felt like I was responsible
(09:41):
for her and all of those thingsthat a child should never ever have to
do. And so when I thinkabout dysfunctional families, when if you ever
look it up, dysfunctional family ischaracterized by conflict, misbehavior, or abuse.
And there's the word abuse. Relationshipsbetween family members are tense, can
be filled with neglect, yelling,screaming, and all types of abuse.
(10:05):
You might feel forced to happily acceptnegative treatment. That's pretty much what I
had to do. I had toaccept negative treatment. My mother did not
have to accept it, but shechose to do so by staying. And
hey, it's a lot of thingsI can talk about when it comes to
people's staying. And I'm not throwingwomen under the bus for staying or anything
like that. Definitely not throwing mymom under the bus makes you rest,
(10:26):
continue to rest in power. Butchildren, if the woman doesn't strategically figure
out a way to get hurt andher children out of there, children are
actually forced to accept negative treatment.We have to fix our face. Remember
they tell you to fix your faceand all of that. We have to
do it with a smile on ourface. So we have to do it
with a better attitude. Y'all feelme like there's no open space to express
(10:50):
your thoughts and feelings freely because youcan be punished toward, beaten forward,
slap, you know, yelled atforward, put down for it. It's
just a huge, huge burden toburn. I don't wish up on anyone,
and I'm grateful that I was ableto connect with a man relationally after
time and therapy, and then continuetime in therapy, I was able to
(11:11):
connect with a man who was notfrom abusive home, was from a very
healthy, two parent home, believinghome, and so we were able to
marry and create, procreate and raisefive and continue to raise five beautiful children
in a home full of love andprotection and function if you will. They're
actually pretty privileged, and that's theway I feel like it should be.
(11:33):
So I really just wanted to getnone of this has written now. Normally
I have notes and things, butI didn't have that today for this podcast,
simply because I just want to sharereally from my heart on the impact
that dysfunctional families have on society,on the environment, on how we relate
relationally with each other as well assexually. We're bringing children into being dysfunctional
(11:58):
beings, and then we're bringing childreninto that We're causing them to be dysfunctional,
and children who grow up to bedysfunctional adults, and then they don't
function properly in society, and thenthey're having to constantly figure out what's wrong
with them or why, or they'reacting out, or they might end up
in jail, they might end upwith several children by several people, they
might end up harming themselves. It'sjust a lot, and it's just we
(12:22):
got to get past that. Wecan't keep normalizing this. It shouldn't always
have to be. We got toovercome trauma to eventually get to a better
life. Can we start producing childrenhaving some healthy relationships that produce as healthy
children who go out and create healthyspaces in society. That's relationship goes right.
(12:43):
There's how we relate parentally, youknow, in siblings, siblingships,
kinships, friendships, romantic ships.Can we get to a point where we
are relating healthily where there's conflict thatcomes up and we can deal with it.
We're not hitting and spitting and beatingand all of this. Can we
(13:07):
get to that point and I believethat we can. I would like I
was like, this is something Iwould like to see done more collectively.
I'm not against it happening on afamily by family, person by person basis.
We have to start somewhere, andI believe that I'm part of this.
You know, I've been and myhusband have been part of the solution,
and I pray and believe, hopethat there's more and I'm not I
(13:30):
don't ever push divorce for those whoare married. I don't ever push it
because I believe that it's something thatyou have to come to a point of
doing based upon the best interest wasfor you. I am definitely for separation,
but at the end of the day, I would I if a woman
feels like that's what she needs todo to get out of that situation because
(13:52):
it's dysfunctional, she's being abused,misused, and all of those things,
then I encourage her to separate.Get out of any type of abuse of
homes where there's narcissism going on,abuse gaslighting. I want us to start
leaving, walking away from dysfunction,run from it. Whatever you got to
skip from, I don't care.It's time for us to run from dysfunction
(14:16):
and get to function. Now.I'm not always one who believes in what
the masses believe. Okay, justbecause the majority of people believe something doesn't
make it right, true, orwhat's best. In this case, however,
dysfunction the way it is described,I am for the mass definition on
this of the you know, themass agreement in this in what dysfunction is,
(14:41):
and that we need to It's timeto annihilate it. It's time to
uproot it. Do y'all know I'mgonna end with this. Do y'all know
how hard, and many of youmay know this, how hard it is
out here in these streets to overcomebeing raised in dysfunction, where there was
abuse, misuse, misbehavior, constantconflict, not being able to sleep at
(15:07):
night comfortably, not wanting to gohome, always wanting to stay at other
people's home, or like your grandmother'shome, or what places where you were
protected, And when you're growing up, you don't really understand, Hey,
I'm not being protected A hi I'mnot. You may not even understand that
because you're really young, but youjust know what it feels like. You
(15:30):
know what I mean. You knowwhat it feels like because like when you're
at school, you feel better thanwhen you're at home, or when you're
at your grandparents' house, you feelbetter than when you're at home. When
you a constant like I don't wantto go home, I don't want to
be around him or her or whoeverit is. It's just like when someone's
being sexual abusing and that person comesaround their home, and let's say that
(15:50):
they're related to the family. Whenthat person comes over you, you tense
up, your heart beats you faster, you get anxiety, all these things,
and you just but you know whatprotection feels like, because when you
go off with your friends, orwhen you go at Grandmamy's house or Grandaddy's
or whatever, nana's house, andyou feel so much protection and you never
(16:11):
want to leave that. That's whatI want us to go towards. That's
what I want us to be magnetitudesprotection. No one would like to be
safe to be in relationships where theycare for you, you care for them
well, they consider your feelings considertheirs where they're actually interested in you and
(16:36):
not just controlling you, interested inyou and what you want to do,
and the person that you are.People loving you for who you are in
spite of all your flaws and issues, loving you, and you loving them.
I would like to see us gotowards more function, go towards more
function. That's the opposite of dysfunction. In function, there's peace, not
(17:00):
just you know, like in dysfunctionthere's conflict of conflict and constant conflict.
In function there's conflict resolution peacefully,and dysfunction has misbehavior. But in function
there's those behaving kindly towards one another. In this function, there's abuse and
misuse and mistreatment. In function,there's respect because when there's abuse, that
(17:29):
means there's no respect. There's norespect for that woman, that child,
even that man, there's no respect. But in function there's respect even for
children. You respect them as thelittle people that they are, because there's
still people, there's still human beings. There's respect, there's love, there's
confidence, you know, instead ofbeing low self stem, that's high selfstein.
(17:52):
There's confidence, there's safety, there'sprotection. I mean, we may
not can control everything in this world. But we can control who we relate
with, who we relate with,and who we procreate with. And if
we've made decisions in the past thatdidn't show as function, then we have
twenty twenty two to do it.We can do it right now. It's
(18:15):
January thirty first, and I wishupon you all you know, peace,
prosperity, safety, protection, love, confidence, the atmosphere and the space
to be vulnerable without being attacked,but around people who will hold space for
you and protect you and love youfor who you are and where you are
(18:37):
in life, and that you willcontinue to get better. We got to
get to the point to move awayfrom dysfunction. It's time for us to
run away from it and get tofunction. Find families, find people who
operate in function, get around thosepeople, get therapy, get coaches,
(18:59):
get whatever you need. This isa year to do that. So even
though I didn't have the best relationshipwith my dad, he was still my
dad. And yes, it's aconflict to love someone who abused you.
And I'm still working towards forgiveness andI feel like I'm getting closer and closer
to that every day because I needto do that. I really do need
to forgive me. It's gone now. But today we can get to function.
(19:21):
Okay, we can get there thatwe could strive to do that.
We strive to make money, right, we want to strive to you know,
have assets. Let's strive to haverelational assets. We'll get the sexual
assets one day too, but let'sstrive to have relational assets. Relationships that
last. That means something that thecurrency that we spend with one another should
(19:44):
always be good. Functional. Okay, that's really all I wanted to share
with y'all today. Happy birthday tomy father. First heavenly birthday. I'm
just gonna believe that's what it is, heaveny birthday, and that's all I
got. I love y'all. Thankyou for tuning in. Make sure you're
sharing your podcast with others, andalso don't forget to pre order my latest
(20:07):
book, Nine Things women should aska man for giving him sex. Go
to Things Women Should ask Aman dotcom or find you on any of my
social medias and click the link inmy bio and it will take you to
the page where you can click onto order the book Nine Things women should
ask a man before giving him sex. Remember embracing your sexuality helps you to
(20:30):
create the ships and sex life ofyour dreams without compromising your faith. Much love,
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