18. You Can Have it All

It's your life but you don't have everything you want/desire. Why not? Do YOU really believe you can have what you really want/desire? It's all about the options YOU create. Listen in as OEV breaks down how you can have it all in your 'Ships n Sex.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Welcome to the Ships and Sex Podcastswith your favorite sexologists Octavi Evans Akao Ev,
where I help high achieving women embrace, own and protect their sexuality in
order to create the ships and sexlife of their dreams without compromising their faith.
Uh they gone guns dry famous todo this for life. Thank you

(00:25):
saying my guns day will get itoff future the ship since seximon. Yeah,
what's u? What's up? What'sup? Everyone? Glad to be
back and thank you for tuning in. And in today's episode, we're going
to be talking about Yes, youcan have it all. You can have
it all now. I know manyof you have heard this terminology over the

(00:47):
years. You've heard this phrase,You've heard people say it, and they
even put a definition to what havingit all means. Right. Some people
have said you can have it all, just not at the same time.
You can have it all just rightnow. And some people actually say you
cannot have it all. And somepeople say you can have it all at
the same time. And then youhave those that say you cannot have it

(01:10):
all you need to pick and choose. And so what's been happening is we
get so hyped up as women believingwe can have it all. And then
as time goes on and life goeson, we start to switch up on
that and we no longer think wecan have it all. We think it's
now time to pick a struggle orchoose from what's available, and so that
takes us out of a creative ora creator mindset. So that's what I'm

(01:36):
going to talk to you about today, is how you can have it all.
I'm letting you know right now youcan have it all. You're tuning
in because you want to hear howyou can have it all wherever you are
in life. Do you remember whenI just said that, some people say,
well, you really can't have itall. Basically, that's tending to
settle. Now, if we're goingto settle out here, I'm gonna be
the first to tell you I believein settling, but I will never settle

(01:57):
for less than what I want.So I'm not one of those people who
is against settling. I am onlyagainst settling for less than what you want,
less than what you desire. Andthat right there, it already starts
to touch you inside when you hearme say things like you can have it
all, or you can have whateverit is you want or you can have

(02:19):
what you desire. Many women offaith don't mind hearing that the Most High
will give you the desires of yourheart. But somewhere down the line,
what trips so many women of faithup is believing that you can only have
what God says is for you tohave, which is why when it comes
to things like relationships, sex andthings that way, you still operate in
limitations. So those are really notthe desires of your heart because many of

(02:44):
you desire marriage, or desire abetter marriage, or desire amazing sex.
And you're like, well, maybethis is my cross to bear. Really,
so is that giving you the desiresof your heart? Is this the
same Most High that people say willwithhold no good thing from his children?
So, like, I don't understandit when I think of my own children
when they ask for things, theycome oftentimes asking believing that they already gonna

(03:09):
get it. I'll overhear them,I'm gonna go ask mommy. Yeah she's
gonna do it. Yeah, Ijust have to ask her. My sons
are like that, They come inso confident that I'm gonna get them.
I'm gonna I'm gonna say yes,And that they're gonna have what it is
they desire. One of the reasonswhy I like sharing stories about my life,

(03:29):
especially like when it comes to mychildren, it's because I look at
them, especially my youngest, andthey hardly fear anything. The younger they
are, they're fearless, right,they ask for what they want, they
speak their mind, they say it. But somewhere along the lines we lose
that, We get tamed, sowe do not ask anymore. The older
we get, right, even ifit's late teens, right, we come

(03:51):
asking our parents like, do youthink it'd be okay? If see all
that hesitation up in there, allthat reluctancy, not assured. They don't
know anymore, even if I havesaid no in the past, because I
don't always say no. The olderthey get, I noticed they kind of
like, do you think this wouldbe a good idea? If do you

(04:11):
think you could take me to oryou know? And I'm just like,
Hey, the same confidence you hadat eight, I want you to have
at eighteen. The same confidence youhad at five, I want you to
have at fifteen. Well guess what. And I talk about this a little
bit in my book Nine Things WomenShould Ask a Man Before giving him sex
that as toddlers, we're so fearless. We do what we want when we
want. Y'all heard of the TerribleTubes. It's the reason it's called that,

(04:32):
because at two years old, wehave autonomy. We want to put
our shoes on the way we wantto put them on. We don't care
if the left goes on the rightand right goes on the left. We
don't care if the shoes are untied. We don't care if our pants are
at the knees when it's supposed tobe at the ankles. We're gonna put
them on and wear it the waywe're gonna wear. And we don't want
you coming in changing us all thetime and telling us what to do,
Like, we want to do whatwe want to do, and we want

(04:55):
what we want. You tell usnot to have the cookies. We're gonna
get them. A lot of peoplesee that as rebellion and defiant. Really
is defining your own autonomy. Andas time go on, we applaud toddlers
for that, don't we applaud themfor when they at least put their shoes
on even though they're not on theright foot. Oh, good job,
you did. Put your shoes on. But let me show you. We
applaud them for that, but asthey get older, now they're in trouble

(05:15):
for it. Now you should knowby now you are too old to be
putting your shoes on the wrong foot. That it could be very confusing to
be a child, because on oneend you're celebrating and telling them you can
have what you want, you canbe what you want to be, and
all of that. But the momentthey start acting like that and being that,
we take it from them. Andthis is what happens to so many
women in life. We start outwanting and desiring things when we're super young,

(05:39):
but the older we get in lifehas been happening and we haven't gotten
all those things. We switch itup. We allow religion, We allow
our parents, we allow family,we allow friends, We allow teachers,
professors, supervisors, whatever to tellus what we cannot have. We allow
their stories of what they don't haveand their stories of lack in certain areas

(05:59):
to be the inspiration for us todecrease what we want, to decrease our
desire. Because today we are goingto talk about you can have it all
you can. First of all,before we can go into talking about you
can have it all. You haveto define what all is. What that
mean is what is all for you? It's not going to be the same
for everyone. First thing, Iwant you to understand, You're all may

(06:20):
not be the same thing as myall. Having it all for you could
be totally different in having it allfor me. So define what all is.
The word all simply means all.It means everything, so everything.
Think about whether it's in your mind, your universe, you're surrounded, whatever.
What is it that you want?What is it that you want to
have all? And I want youto think about this right now, even

(06:42):
if you have to pause the podcastand just think for like thirty to sixty
seconds, to close your eyes andask what is my all? What is
it that I really really want?This is where you get to do what
we were told to do a lotof when we were younger, like as
kids, but they stopped us fromdoing. This is your time to dream.
This is your time to have alittle day dream or a big one
however you want. I want youto sit there and think about what it

(07:04):
is that you want. Define yourall? Define what all is for you?
Is it marriage to what kind ofman? Is it a better marriage?
What is it that you would liketo change in your marriage? And
by the way, to ladies whoare married, you can have it all
too. You may say, well, nah, already you can have it
all as well. Now please understand, ladies, for you that are married

(07:27):
and in long term relationships, youare all does not include changing your man.
Okay, let's get that straight.Your all does not include changing your
man. Remember we're talking about you. We're not talking about you having control
or wanting to change nobody else.Just you define what all is. What
is it that you want? Thinkabout stop and think about it. What
is it that you want career wise, financial wise, sex wise? Oh

(07:48):
yes, go there with sex.What is it that you want sexually?
Don't be ashamed about it. Ifyou are feeling ashamed, get unashamed.
Let's do this right now. Whattype of relationship do you really want?
What type of sex do you reallywant to have? Do y'all know something?
I'm gonna share someone with y'all.I have worked with so many women
who are in marriages where the sexis really lacking, right, the quality
of sex is just not good.So I remember some time back in some

(08:11):
sessions with married women. I waslike, so, what kind of sex
do you really want? They wasall kind of shy in the beginning.
I was like, okay, okay, I'm gonna help y'all, and I
shared some things, and finally,this one particular woman she started to share
things, even had me clutching mypearls. I was like, is this
what you want? And she's like, yeah, but it's my cross the
bear for the kind of sex wehave. You know, I'm not leaving

(08:33):
him. I'm not gonna step outon him. I'm not doing any of
that. But that's the kind ofsex I really want, but I know
I can't have it. I waslike why, and she was like,
because he's such a prude, he'snot gonna do any of that. I
was like, so you think thisis just it? She said, yeah,
I know my husband I've been knowingthem all these years, and that's
just the kind of sex we've alwayshad. And guess what the kind of
sex it was, y'all, thekind of sex he wants. She didn't
mind it, but she wanted somethingdifferent. But if you notice what I

(08:56):
said, the kind of sex shewas having for all these years in her
marriage, it was the kind ofsex he wanted. Men oftentimes have no
problem defining their all or going fortheir desires or getting what they want.
It's us that feel bad about itor don't feel like we can have it.
Her husband was getting exactly what hewanted from her insects. He was

(09:18):
having it all, honey. Hewas having what he really wanted from his
wife. He was getting out ofit what he wanted. It was a
kind of sex life he wanted.He has a kind of marriage that he
wants. He loves the fact thatshe's home when he gets there, all
that good stuff. It's all aboutwhat he wanted. He wanted what his
all was, and that's what he'sbeen getting. But why hasn't she so

(09:39):
think about it to find what allis? What is your all? So,
during this exercise, increase your mindfor options. Why am I saying
increase your mind for options, Becauseyou're going to have to expand your mind
when it comes to having your allif you've been so used to not getting
what you truly desire. So whenI say increase your mind for options,

(10:00):
understand that options are things that arethey exist, or they may be chosen.
That means boo, you get tochoose. Yeah, so increase your
mind for those options. Let metell ya something I have seen this way
to. Oh my god, I'veseen this far too often with us.
I've seen it everywhere online on socialmedia outside of it, so check this
out. Recently, I was ina group, and this group is about

(10:22):
women who are into the finer thingsin life, so you know this right
up my alley. But there wasthis post and it said something like,
and I'm paraphrase, and it wassaying something like, ladies, basically,
get your own money, make yourown bag, so that all a man
has to do is give you loyalty, something like all you will expect from

(10:43):
him is loyalty and nothing else,meaning you don't have to depend on this
man for nothing else but loyalty.All you want is that because you can
make your own bag, you canhave your own money, you don't have
to be dependent upon him. Youdon't have to be dependent upon him for
anything else but loyalty because you haveeverything else yourself. Now. Post was
definitely probably matter for me, eventhough many people in the comments came through
to say, well, what itreally means is is not to say that

(11:05):
he shouldn't give anything else is tosay that if you really have your own
and all of that, all youreally need from him is law teacher.
He can have money too, butmake sure you have your own, always
have your own, and all ofthose things. And I was like,
okay. So, as I wasreading through the comments, there was some
women that was like, I don'tget somebody else to do it, y'all.

(11:26):
That sent me out. And thenof course there were women who were
like, uh uh, he gonnaneed to bring the bag. They were
saying different things, and of coursepeople were saying, hey, y'all missing
the point of this post and whatnot. But the comments that stood out the
most to me were when women saidthings like this, so, y'all,
would really rather have a man who'srich, cheating and being on you than

(11:48):
have a man who's loyal and faithful. I was like, interesting comments like
that, always find them interesting.And there were several more just like this
comment. They just got more details. Would you rather have a rich man
that is not involved with their childrenand just leave you? And this and
that? And you know, therewas some witty, you know women,
Some said crime poverty or crime prosperity. I prefer the latter, you know

(12:11):
things like that. But even intheir being funny, even in their comments,
I was looking at the options,and I noticed this a lot with
women. I'd rather have the moment. A woman says that oftentimes the options
she creates in her scenario are alwayslow vibrational, They're always low value,

(12:33):
They're always how do we say,when it comes to politics, the lesser
of two evils. It's always thelesser of the least. It's you never
hear you rarely. I won't saynever. You don't hear enough of women
saying I would rather have a manwith money, loyty, and all of
that versus not having that at all. It's always I'd rather have a broke

(12:56):
man who's law to me than arich man who cheats on me. Like,
why are these your options? Girl? Think about the things you yourself
have said. Think about it.I would rather live in the hood with
all my friends and family than livein a big ass mansion and be alone.
Wait, why we can't live inthe mansion with all our friends and
family, or at least all myfriends and family nearby? Why are my
options always one of desolate and theother just it's desolate? This is why

(13:22):
I had you to stop and thinkabout what you really want, and I
wanted you to increase your mind options. Remember it's a choice. These are
choices you have. I wanted youto think and dream like you were a
kid when you would dream about goingto damn Disneyland or being an astronaut on
the moon, or I want youto think about those days because guess what,
when you dream of going up inspace today, there's a great chance

(13:45):
you can go. With money.Y'all saw these guys just went to the
mo y'all saw that just happened recently. All you need is some money.
Boo. We live in a timewhere dreams are reality for many people.
But why aren't they reality for you? What if you are very, very
sexual, but people tell you,especially in the church, they'll tell you
get you a good man who providesand make sure you know this is that,
and that's all. That's fine,that'st you want. It's fine.

(14:07):
They're finding out. Those provided menthat the church was talking about are men
who approves in the bedroom. Remember, I told y'all men be out here
getting what they want. So whenI say increase your mind options, stop
doing the either or or putting downwhat you really want, simply because you
don't have. You get mad atthese ladies, and even I don't like
their options when they say I'd ratherbe with the rich man that beat my

(14:28):
ass and a broke man that beatmy ass, because the difference is I'm
gonna leave one situation with money eventhough I got an ass beat, but
the other one I'm gonna leave brokeand get my ass beat. I mean,
it's funny, we laugh at it, right, We've been sitting there
putting the little hahaha mooji, laughingthe moji or whatever. But at the
end of the day, why arethese are options? Ladies? Really?
Wire these are options me? IfI'm the one commenting, this is what

(14:50):
I'm saying, I'd rather be witha man who provides for me or a
man who provides for me. I'drather be with a man making some good
ass money and making sure I'm awife of leisure or a man who's taking
good care of me and making sureI'm a wife of leisure. Do you
see my options? My options arenot necessarily one over the other. My
options are all pros because that's whatI'm choosing. I have increased my mind

(15:11):
for options. Over the years,I've increased them when I saw that I'm
the creator. When I say I'mthe creator, I'm not saying I'm the
most high. But I'm the creativeof my life. He's already given me
life. Right I'm born, Iwas put here. I get to create.
That canvas had nothing on it whenI came into this world. Nothing.
My parents did a little, youknow, did their thing up until
what eighteen nineteen, twenty twenty one, and then after that I took over.

(15:33):
Right. I'm not saying I shouldhave took over that late. I'm
saying one of the reasons I wasso rebellious growing up is because I was
fighting for my autonomy. Listen,this episode is not to get y'all all
up the bunch and go and causeproblems in your marriages and your relationships.
Not that it's not to have singlewomen out here autonomy meaning anything negative.
The thing is, when you arethinking about having it all, it should

(15:56):
never be a threat to anybody becauseit's you, han't it all. I
want you to really understand what I'msaying, think about it. What I'm
saying is even the post itself saying, hey, get your bag. So
you don't have to. This isnet so all the man got to come
to you and bring to you hisloyalty if those are your options, if
that's what you believe, Okay,but I noticed I want y'all to be

(16:18):
more aware and be more mindful ofthis that when someone comes along and says
things like I want a man thathas a lot of money because that's the
only way I'm getting married, y'allthink that's shallow. But you didn't stop
to take time to find out,Hey, okay, these are your desires.
Okay, I'm with you, GROBLI. You can have whatever it is
you want. How you came tothat? When did you come to that?
You'll find out a lot of womenain't just out here like I just

(16:38):
want to rich man. They're notout here trying to use him, or
they're not out here trying to doall the negative things you think. So
instead of you coming along talking sayingthings like just negative because it might be
what you really want and you justdon't want to say it out loud for
fear of how it may sound toothers. But someone's saying that, and
you find out why you're like,oh, they want to build with a

(17:00):
man that's stable financially and they wantto bring children in the world with this
man, and they want to dothis, And you'll find out a lot
of times these are their desires,This is their definition of all. They're
defining what they're all is. AndI'm one of those who believe in I've
hurting me, So I'm fine witha woman getting with a man who can
change her life financially in an instant, in a night, inner day,

(17:22):
or whatever. I noticed a lotof times with us as women, it's
when we when we finally do dreamand share what are all is, we
get pushback, we get put down. Girl, you ain't gonna resistance,
you ain't gonna get the child.You might as well this, this and
that, and then there we go. It happens all the time. I
remember, as a single woman,when I said the type of man that

(17:45):
I wanted, everybody seems to beokay with that until I said I wanted
a man with no children. Now, I'm from Shreveport, Louisiana. At
the time, when I was comingup, being from Shreveport, Louisiana,
it was hard to find men orwomen without children. Many of my schoolmates
had children, young I had familymembers who had children young and I'm talking
about teens, and so one ofthe questions most men would ask me when

(18:07):
they was meeting me, how manykids you got? Literally, I promise
you, y'all. It was sucha shock every time when I said I
don't have any, they were like, you don't have none? You that
fine? They don't have no kids? I know you lying, I kid
you not. So when I wouldtell people I'm holding out for the man
or I want a man with nochildren, people would tell a girl,
you are not gonna find that here. You're not gonna find that in report.

(18:29):
Honey. You know Streetport is knownas port City or ratchet City.
You're not gonna find that child.Everybody got kids. I was like,
I don't. It was like,honey, you want of the few.
But as far as men shy,they having baby mamas created all over the
place, they have multiple children withmultiple women. I was just like,
okay, and it for some reasonwhat my all was. When I share
part of my all, people hadto bother with it, and I was
just I used to be like,what the hell is wrong? Why do

(18:52):
y'all? Why are y'all tripping about? This is what I want. I
said what I wanted. I saidwhat I'm going to have. I didn't
say anything about you or anyone else. I'm talking about me. You asked
me when I was defining what myall was, and guess what my all
has increased since then. I gotwhat I wanted in marriage. Oh and
we've had our issues, I upsand downs or whatever, but I was
so focused on that finish line ofobtaining what I wanted. And also I

(19:14):
wasn't getting married until I had wouldhave wanted, and I was willing to
hold out. I don't care whocame to me and said they wanted to
be this and one to be that. I remember it came down to two
men, my husband and the otherguy. And this other guy was all
that, y'all. I looked himup maybe a few years ago, and
so he was. He had adope life, He had a beautiful wife,
he had another baby at that time. All of that. It was.
I saw their pictures online by mistake, and so I went to look

(19:37):
up look him up, and Iwas like, oh my god, blank,
Blake is doing so good, soawesome. So I would have had
a good life with him. Thedifference was came down to this one thing
for me. Now my husband,I did have more chemistry back of America,
this guy, because we had somechemistry, and I was cool with
that. He had a child.He had a daughter, and I did
not want to be a stepmother.Just didn't. And I remember some ladies

(19:57):
told me I was crazy for notmarry because he already had a house at
the time. All he had doesput me in it. He was already
making money. I wouldn't have hadto work outside the home with him either.
I had some nice options, butat the end of the day,
I was like, I don't wantthat. My all said this is the
type of man I want to marry, and I was gonna hold out until
I did get that man. I'monly sharing that because my all may not

(20:21):
have sounded like everyone else's all.My options that I created for myself may
not have been like everyone else's options, but they were mine that I created
in my mind. This is thewhole point of creating the ships and sex
life of your dreams. My ALLhas continued to increase, But guess what,
my ALL doesn't hurt nobody else.It doesn't hurt anybody. It may

(20:41):
hurt your feelings because I have itand you may want it on don't feel
like I should have it or whatever, But my all it benefits more than
just me. This is what Iwant you to be thinking about when you
can have it all. Think aboutwhat you really want, what are your
desires to have it? Who isit gonna hurt? People feelings out of
jealousy because they don't have But whois it really gonna hurt? My whole

(21:03):
one in asking you to increase yourmind, think about, daydream even about
what you really want, even writeit down, and then me asking you
coming back asking you, who isit gonna hurt for you to have it
all? Aside from people's feelings andthe egos? Who is it gonna hurt
if you have it all? Whenyou have it all, do you not
realize as amazing as we are aswomen when we do have it all?

(21:25):
It blesses everyone around us. Itbenefits everyone around us. Everybody benefits.
When you define what you're all is, everybody benefits. Who does it hurt?
Aside from hurting feelings and egos?Who does it hurt? You can
have it all? Just define whatyou're all is. And the last thing
I want to say on that is, surround yourself around people who have what

(21:47):
they truly desire. Surround yourself aroundpeople who are living a life you too
want to have. Your all.These people are not afraid of using the
word desire and want. Get awayfrom people who only talk, in my
opinion, get away from people whoonly talk about what you need unless they
like me, and gonna make whatyou need, want and desire all one
and the same. But you getmy point. People will tell you all

(22:11):
you need is you're basicing me.I don't want to survive, boo.
I want to thrive. In fact, I don't survive by thrive. I
notice like to wake up in avery small, tight house, not having
every single thing, but still livingthe life that I want with what I
have. And I also know whatit's like to have it and even want
more of it, want more.All. People will say, well,
you're greedy, you have too much, or be content. Listen, boo,

(22:33):
we only get one life to find. Where you're all is. I
love waking up where I wake upevery day, getting to do what I
love and loving what I do.Let me say that again, getting to
do what I love and loving whatI do because guess what. The more
and more that I do that everyonebenefits to find where you're all is surround
yourself around those who have what theytruly desire, so it will inspire you

(22:55):
to create what you truly desire.You can have it all, and just
remember as you increase your mind withoptions that when you have it all,
everyone benefits. It doesn't hurt anybody. We're not talking about feelings and egos.
It don't hurt nobody. It benefitseverybody, everybody that's in your circle
to see you living your life tothe full. If that's traveling where you

(23:15):
want to go and do the thingsyou want to do, and traveling with
the people you want to travel with. If you want a certain type of
man, you want a certain typeof relationship, and you want to have
a certain type of sex that youhave to see. I'm a sexologist.
I'm your favorite sexologist booth and Ihave heard so many stories from women who
are married and have the worst sexlife on the planet, according to them,

(23:37):
but on social media you would neverknow it. I'm not saying they
should just share all their business.Everybody should not being privy to your life
or your issues or whatever. I'msaying is they're out here doing all the
amazing things and the sex is heavilylacking. Even the husband don't know that
the wives feel this way. Thehusbands don't even know their wives feel that
way. And I help them,like, Okay, we need to ma'am.

(23:57):
We can't keep doing this. Andthey tell me the kind of sex
they won't want to ask them todefine their all? What is it that
you really want? Desire sexually?Initially, just about ninety eight percent of
all women that I ask this questionto, ninety eight percent of them are
afraid to tell me. That's afraidto say it, that it's a desire
that they want this and that done. And I'm like, okay, what's
wrong with that book? Oh becausethe church, Oh because people. I'm

(24:18):
like, oh my god, we'restill doing this this long in the game.
What do you know, Bo?Do you want it all or not?
Yeah, but my husband ain't gonnalisten. We're not talking about your
husband. We talking about you.You can have it all, Bo,
you really can. So let's doa quick recap. Define where your all
is. Increase your mind for options. They dream about what you really want,
what you're all is? Write itdown, even have a long ass

(24:40):
day dream about it during a timewhen no one can interrupt you, and
just go. Like when you werea kid and you were thinking about going
to place like Disneyland or whatever,Go there in your dream, Go there
in your mind. It's gonna watchhow your body feels. You're gonna feel
so good thinking about it. Themdopamine hits. But what happens is we
get tired of dope and we wantthe real thing, right so we can

(25:02):
have that type of dopamine because wecan get dope mein just from our thoughts
and feelings. That's a good thing, don't get me wrong. You want
it to become a reality, right, So to find where your all is,
Increase your mind for options, daydreamwrite it down. No longer do
either or or putting down what youreally want simply because you don't have it.
Increase your options so you won't doall of that negative either this or

(25:22):
either. No. We have optionsboom because we can create them and then
surround yourself around those who truly havewhat they desire and let it inspire you
to create that for yourself. Allright, thank you for hanging out with
me today, and hey, pleaseshare this podcast, Share the Ships and
Sex podcasts with those who can usethis message. There you have it.

(25:44):
Make sure you're following me everywhere onsocial media, at Octavia events, your
favorite sexologists. It's also you caneasily go to shipsin sex dot com and
sign up to be on the mailinglist to know not just when new episodes
drive, but also when we getto do other things. So sign up
for the podcast. Because this iswhat I do. I teach ladies how
to create the ships and sex lifeof their dreams. Just remember you can

(26:04):
have it all, and when youdo have it all, it benefits all
everyone you're connected to. It doesn'thurt anybody. Boom all right, See
you next time. Much love,