December 13, 2024 • 19 mins
As I grow older, I have realized one thing for my business and professional life- Friends matter. For men, making and keeping friends at the later part of your career and life is more difficult for us than women.
My guest is esteemed professor and research psychologist, Dr. Kimberly Horn has worked with top-tier academic institutions, including West Virginia University, The George Washington University, and Virginia Tech. Devoting her career to helping others lead healthier, happier, and more connected lives, she has conducted nearly three decades of health behavior research with an extensive publication record.
Dr. Horn’s background sets the stage for her literary debut, "Friends Matter, for Life". A natural extension of her work, the book addresses how integral friendships are to our emotional and physical well-being.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-small-business-radio-show--3306444/support.
My guest is esteemed professor and research psychologist, Dr. Kimberly Horn has worked with top-tier academic institutions, including West Virginia University, The George Washington University, and Virginia Tech. Devoting her career to helping others lead healthier, happier, and more connected lives, she has conducted nearly three decades of health behavior research with an extensive publication record.
Dr. Horn’s background sets the stage for her literary debut, "Friends Matter, for Life". A natural extension of her work, the book addresses how integral friendships are to our emotional and physical well-being.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-small-business-radio-show--3306444/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Get ready for all the craziness of small business. It's
exactly that craziness that makes it exciting and totally unbelievable.
Small Business Radio is now on the air with your host,
Bary Maltz.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Well, thanks for joining this week's radio show. Remember this
is the final word in small business for those keeping track,
This is now show number eight hundred and eighteen. Well,
as I grow older, I've realized that one thing for
my business and my professional life that matter the most
are friends.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Friends do matter.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
In my humble opinion, for men, making keeping friends actually
in the latter part of your career in your life
is actually more difficult for us than women. My next guest,
she's an esteem professor and research psychologist. Doctor Kimberly Horn
has worked with top tier academic institutions including West Virginia University,
(01:00):
the George Washing University in Virginia Tech. Devoting your career
to helping others lead healthier, happier, and more connected lives,
She's conducted nearly three decades of health behavioral research with
an extensive publication record. Doctor Kimberly's background sets the stage
for her first book, called Friends Matter for Life, A
natural extent of her work. The book addresses how integral
(01:22):
friendships are our emotional and physical wellbeing. Doctor Kimberly, Welcome
to the show.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Thanks for having me, Barry. I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
This topic is so interesting to me, especially as I age.
I'm almost of medicare age. I just can't wait. We
know when we're younger, you know, in our single digits
and our teens and in college, that friends are so
important to us. Why do we forget this later on life?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well, I think that.
Speaker 4 (01:49):
It's not that we forget, it's I think so many
things start to pile up and take precedence, and we
get busy and occupied, and life changes and it becomes
a bit more complicated.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
So you're saying, other things get in the way as
we age and as our careers develop.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
Yes, I mean I think that we as we age,
in particular, we start thinking about things like retirement or
maybe we're taking care of aging parents or becoming empty nesters,
and some of the things that had built in built
(02:31):
in friendship circles start to change.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
You know. It's so interesting for me because the reason
I got on this topic was I remember when my
second son went to college that this was It's over
ten years ago now, and I remember coming home and
my wife says, well, you better find yourself some friends,
because you're not going to be spending all your time
with me. And so I made a concerted effort really
to go out and really find new friends. And you know,
(02:59):
most of the way that men find friends is through
sports or some kind of physical activity. And actually, I'm
really thankful for the friend group that I've created. In
your research, you find that men as they age do
have a harder time with friendships and women.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
Well, I mean, I do think there are some differences,
but loneliness doesn't discriminate. I mean, I think people, male, female,
we all experience loneliness.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
So there is an epidemic of loneliness coming out of
COVID nineteen. So I'm assume that you know this has
gotten a lot worse in recent years than better.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Well, I mean, we are at epidemic levels of loneliness,
and not just in this country, it's worldwide. But I
think certainly some issues occurred and some events occurred around
the pandemic that have exacerbated or really doubled down on loneliness.
If you think about the disruption in our day to day.
(04:03):
I think that people are still experiencing that. And we
had our routines were disrupted, traditions were disrupted, in person interactions,
people became more fearful of getting sick. And I think
that people are still struggling to build back some of
those relationships and skills that we lost during that time period.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
You know, as much as as it was early on
difficult for my wife and I to live twenty four
to seven in a third timey square foot apartment, it
must have been a lot worse for those people that
were living alone during the pandemic.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Well, I think that, I mean, there's no doubt about that,
and I think that people who are living alone were
struggled immensely.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
So what is the I guess, the science behind why
friendships are so important for our life as we age.
Why does that make a difference.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Well, because friendships, strong friendships improve our not only our
mental health, but our physical health. We know that there
are there there's about a thirty percent increase in rates
of heart disease and stroke and cognitive issues among people
(05:21):
who experience loneliness. You know, to the contrary, you know,
people who are have healthier relationships and stronger connections tend
to live longer and experience you know overall better health
and loneliness can be as harmful as as smoking cigarettes
and obesity.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
And doctor Kimberly, why is that? What effect does I
guess loneliness and vice versa friendship have in our bodies? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Well, physiologically, I mean it affects our feel good hormones
and our stress hormones. Those are all things that affect
our overall health, functioning and our immune systems. You think
about things like coursol our stressed hormones when those when
those increased, our body has to has to work harder
(06:08):
to cope and function.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
You have in the book of this framework of dynamic
excuse me, dynamic friendship? What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Well, dynamic is the process of our friendships evolving and
changing and growing with us at various stages in our lives.
I really I grouped the book into eight different tenants,
and they are our foundational tenants, such as things like
(06:38):
communicating and learning, how to accept and embrace imperfections and
ourselves and others. Those are really the building blocks of
our friendship. And then they are the social tenets of
our friendship, where we where we practice nurturing their relationships
in our lives. Maybe you were. We we're learning how
to blend and bring different groups and life circumstances together.
(07:00):
And our safeguarding where we're protecting our relationships from neglect
and conflict and even reciprocating, making sure that we're being
really mindful of how we're giving and taking in our relationships.
And then last we have growth, our growth tenets where
it's very important for us to evolve with our friends
(07:20):
and also to evolve individually, which I call self friending
and as a way of really showing up and being
compassionate for ourselves as we would a friend. And to me,
I feel like that's a strong pillar and how we
function in our friendships.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
That's interesting because I think so many times are much
harder on ourselves than our friends. Yes, yes, you know,
I've learned over a period of time that I do
believe that men and women socialize differently. I mean, I
think a lot of women, you know, they'll talk directly,
but when I socialize with men, it seems like we're
always doing activity while we're socializing. You know, It's one
(07:58):
thing to go out to dinner with a guy, and
have a couple of drinks, whatever it is. But I
find that if we can do something side by side,
if we're cycling, or if we're playing you know, corn
bole or something like that, that seems to be better
where we're not necessarily looking at each other.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
And I think that that that closeness is important and
certainly fills an important function in men's loves and some
women as well. But the important thing is that it
you're together, and that you know you can rely on
that person, and that you trust that person with your
with your emotions and with your your well being.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
It's interesting because for the last probably twenty years, I've
sponsored a guy's weekend, you know, at my second home,
and it's eight or nine guys. We get together, and
the weekend is always very active. We're always you know,
uh doing some kind of sport or hiking or something
like that. But the guys love it because it's a
chance just to be with guys, right and we're not
a big drinker group or any thing like that. But
(09:01):
it's just unable to build on those friendships been going
on for so long.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Now. What happens Barry when the conversation might turn to
like to communicating or dialoguing around certain topics. Does that happen?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Oh yeah, I mean certain guys will participate and certain
guys won't participate. Right, Certain guys are much more open
with their lives and others are much more close. And
you know, people participate as much as they want according
to their comfort level. So you also talk about in
the book something called social terrain. What is that?
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah? So I like to think about social terrain as
the ever changing landscape of our lives. And I think
about it as how we navigate our relationships and the
environment in which we interact, and you all those things
that shape how we connect with other people. I mean
kind of like a physical terrain can be smooth or
(09:58):
rocky or uphill. I think social terrain really varies depending
on where we are in our life and our life
stages and circumstances.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
So if I want to build strong friendships in my life,
and let's say have a place where you know, I
don't have those, and I'm a little bit older, where
do I start? Because I found that, you know, about
four years ago we moved to Arizona for the winter.
I found it is difficult when you're in your sixties
to meet people and build new friendships.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Yeah, so, I mean I would say that I think
it's really important. Right. We value people who seem to
respect us and listen to times. And one of the
things I talk about is starting familiar, especially when you
get into the what I call the the young old generation,
(10:52):
which it's like around the mid sixties, when circumstances are
starting to change in life. And then if you start
if you start familiar, it means going to a place
that you maybe already have some connections. Maybe it's a church,
maybe it's a community center something like that, where you
(11:15):
might come across some like minded people.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
So you have something in common.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
Yeah, you have something in common. I also think that
it's important to have those quick check ins with people,
even I mean, the research shows that even just brief
text calls, those sorts of small, brief, intermittent contacts are
very powerful for keeping people connected.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
Yeah. I mean, what we've tried to do is again
tried to go on to the Jewish community center, or
to the gym, or to the hiking group or something
like that. I believe that you know, your book is
even more important now. I mean, obviously with the last election,
there's a big societal divisions that are only getting deeper,
and people like myself the next three months are really
(12:03):
trying to avoid the news, right or to avoid really
what's going on in politics. So I've tried to shift
my attention to my friendships. If you find other people
doing that.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
So that's an interesting question, Barry, because it thirty percent
of Americans right now have chosen to limit time with
friends and family whose viewpoints are different than their own.
In other words, a lot of people are canceling people
(12:38):
that they love because they have discovered or knew that
their votes were dissimilar. And I think, especially as we're
approaching the holidays, it's on a lot of people's minds
about how they're going to navigate and what they're going
to do over the next few months, few days, few
(12:58):
years to deal with these circumstances.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
You know, It's interesting to me because we've had a
deal with this, you know, since twenty sixteen, because we
have some folks in our family that differ from the majority.
And you know, what we've tried to do is set
very very clear boundaries for our get togethers, right yea,
to say, okay, you know, in fact, we just reinforced
those boundaries last week for the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner to say, listen,
(13:26):
we're not going to talk about politics. We're not going
to joke about politics, We're not going to talk about
any of this kind of thing because we don't want
politics to split up our family. It's one thing not
to want to associate on a business level or personal level,
but this is our family, and no one's going to
break our family. So let's set the boundaries so we
don't get to this place. And in twenty sixteen, I
(13:47):
think we did a pretty good job. We're trying to
double our efforts now in twenty twenty four and hopefully
it goes well. But I don't believe the people that
I don't believe any of this should break up your family.
And I think deeply about it, but I don't think
as you break up your family.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Yes, the same, Barry, I agree one percent. And that's
exactly the kind of advice that I've been providing to
people around these sorts of gatherings to to set strong boundaries.
I mean, if you can you want to choose to
engage with people you love, you can create boundaries. You
can set rules, you can have you know, politics free
(14:26):
zones and no one is under any obligation to talk
politics with anyone else.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Yeah, I mean, I agreed.
Speaker 3 (14:34):
And I think the other thing that because I've been
dealing with this a lot lately, and two other things
that we can.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
I know, it's great for your business. You know, the
psychologists have never been busy U fortunately.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
But I think we can choose to the other thing
that we can choose to do when we're ready is
to engage in respectful dialogue with people we love and
care about, right and to do that with curiosity, not judgment,
in a way, to to try to understand where other
people are coming from and to maybe de view some
of that tension. But to do it in a calm environment.
(15:08):
And you know, if you're at a holiday gathering, for example,
maybe you want to and you both people agree to
do it. Maybe you take a walk, or maybe you
find some one on one time that feels safe and calm,
and even set some boundaries on topic or you know,
time limits, because those discussions can be very.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
My website is to my family members is We'll talk
about eventually, but I'm not ready right now. We might
talk about three months or six months or a year
or something like that, but I'm not really in that
place to really have a productive conversation. The last question
I want to ask you, doctor Kimberly, is that a
lot of people try to form friendships but they're not reciprocated,
or people reach out to you and you're not interested.
(15:50):
How do you navigate those kinds of situations?
Speaker 3 (15:54):
Do you mean if someone reaches out to you and
you don't want to.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Be Yeah, if you're interested, or or vice versa, You've
continually tried to form friendships with this person and they
don't reciprocate, how should what should you do with that?
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Well?
Speaker 3 (16:06):
Man, I think sometimes it's okay just to let that go.
You know, every friendship is not meant to last forever,
Every friendship is not meant to be deep. And I
think it's important to acknowledge when one, maybe a friendship
has fizzled out and it really no longer serves a
place in your life. Or two, if that relationship for
(16:28):
some really reason is not comfortable for you and it
feels draining or tosic in some way, it's okay to
let those go.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Yeah, I think it's I think it's really hard because
over my lifetime. I would say I've had a forty
year friendship and I would say about five years ago,
and it's kind of fizzled out because the other person
stopped reciprocating and I made my views known that I
felt they had stopped reciprocating, and nothing really happened. So
I've had to let it go. But it's hard.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
It is hard friendship. Friendship pain is a different kind
of of pain, and I talk about that in the
book too. That you know, we don our society doesn't
provide a lot of scripts and norms for how we
deal with friendship loss and friendship complication. Platonic You know,
platonic relationships are very important in our lives and can
(17:21):
be very painful when we when we lose them or
have to let them go.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Any special guidelines for men and women being I think
especially married men and women being friends on a platonic level,
because you know, sometimes I just even though I'm friendly
with this couple, I just can't see myself getting together
with the woman on my own when my wife gets
(17:47):
together with the woman owned. Any any other conventions around
that or advice around that.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
I mean, yeah, I think that it has to be
comfortable for all parties. I personally I have I have
both male and female friends, and I may see them
at different times with or without their spouses. But I
think there has to be obviously high levels of trust
(18:12):
and agreement, and I think there's a lot to be
gained from relationships and friendships with people different than us.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Yeah, I would agree, it just gets more complicated navigating
that well, yes it does. The title books called Friends
Matter for Life, Such an important topic I think during
this particular period of time, Doctor Kimberly, Where can people
catch up with you and get a copy of the book.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Yes, it's sold on Amazon or anywhere the books are sold,
and you can visit my website, doctor Kimberly horn dot
com or follow me on social media.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Doctor Kimley, thank you for joining us, and I want
to thank everyone for joining this week's radio show. I
got to thank our incredible staff, our booking producer Sarah
schafferan our video and Sounded or Ethan Moltz. If you
are serious about being more successful in twenty twenty five,
give me a call except a private line seven seven
three eight three seven eight two five zero, or email
me at Barry at Molts dot com. Remember, love everyone,
(19:08):
trust the few, and pal your own canoe. Have a
profitable and passionate week.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
If you can find Barrymoltz on the web at Barrymolts
dot com. For more episodes of Small Business Radio at
small Business radioshow dot com.
Get ready for all the craziness of small business. It's
exactly that craziness that makes it exciting and totally unbelievable.
Small Business Radio is now on the air with your host,
Bary Maltz.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Well, thanks for joining this week's radio show. Remember this
is the final word in small business for those keeping track,
This is now show number eight hundred and eighteen. Well,
as I grow older, I've realized that one thing for
my business and my professional life that matter the most
are friends.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Friends do matter.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
In my humble opinion, for men, making keeping friends actually
in the latter part of your career in your life
is actually more difficult for us than women. My next guest,
she's an esteem professor and research psychologist. Doctor Kimberly Horn
has worked with top tier academic institutions including West Virginia University,
(01:00):
the George Washing University in Virginia Tech. Devoting your career
to helping others lead healthier, happier, and more connected lives,
She's conducted nearly three decades of health behavioral research with
an extensive publication record. Doctor Kimberly's background sets the stage
for her first book, called Friends Matter for Life, A
natural extent of her work. The book addresses how integral
(01:22):
friendships are our emotional and physical wellbeing. Doctor Kimberly, Welcome
to the show.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Thanks for having me, Barry. I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
This topic is so interesting to me, especially as I age.
I'm almost of medicare age. I just can't wait. We
know when we're younger, you know, in our single digits
and our teens and in college, that friends are so
important to us. Why do we forget this later on life?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well, I think that.
Speaker 4 (01:49):
It's not that we forget, it's I think so many
things start to pile up and take precedence, and we
get busy and occupied, and life changes and it becomes
a bit more complicated.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
So you're saying, other things get in the way as
we age and as our careers develop.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
Yes, I mean I think that we as we age,
in particular, we start thinking about things like retirement or
maybe we're taking care of aging parents or becoming empty nesters,
and some of the things that had built in built
(02:31):
in friendship circles start to change.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
You know. It's so interesting for me because the reason
I got on this topic was I remember when my
second son went to college that this was It's over
ten years ago now, and I remember coming home and
my wife says, well, you better find yourself some friends,
because you're not going to be spending all your time
with me. And so I made a concerted effort really
to go out and really find new friends. And you know,
(02:59):
most of the way that men find friends is through
sports or some kind of physical activity. And actually, I'm
really thankful for the friend group that I've created. In
your research, you find that men as they age do
have a harder time with friendships and women.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
Well, I mean, I do think there are some differences,
but loneliness doesn't discriminate. I mean, I think people, male, female,
we all experience loneliness.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
So there is an epidemic of loneliness coming out of
COVID nineteen. So I'm assume that you know this has
gotten a lot worse in recent years than better.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Well, I mean, we are at epidemic levels of loneliness,
and not just in this country, it's worldwide. But I
think certainly some issues occurred and some events occurred around
the pandemic that have exacerbated or really doubled down on loneliness.
If you think about the disruption in our day to day.
(04:03):
I think that people are still experiencing that. And we
had our routines were disrupted, traditions were disrupted, in person interactions,
people became more fearful of getting sick. And I think
that people are still struggling to build back some of
those relationships and skills that we lost during that time period.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
You know, as much as as it was early on
difficult for my wife and I to live twenty four
to seven in a third timey square foot apartment, it
must have been a lot worse for those people that
were living alone during the pandemic.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Well, I think that, I mean, there's no doubt about that,
and I think that people who are living alone were
struggled immensely.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
So what is the I guess, the science behind why
friendships are so important for our life as we age.
Why does that make a difference.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Well, because friendships, strong friendships improve our not only our
mental health, but our physical health. We know that there
are there there's about a thirty percent increase in rates
of heart disease and stroke and cognitive issues among people
(05:21):
who experience loneliness. You know, to the contrary, you know,
people who are have healthier relationships and stronger connections tend
to live longer and experience you know overall better health
and loneliness can be as harmful as as smoking cigarettes
and obesity.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
And doctor Kimberly, why is that? What effect does I
guess loneliness and vice versa friendship have in our bodies? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Well, physiologically, I mean it affects our feel good hormones
and our stress hormones. Those are all things that affect
our overall health, functioning and our immune systems. You think
about things like coursol our stressed hormones when those when
those increased, our body has to has to work harder
(06:08):
to cope and function.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
You have in the book of this framework of dynamic
excuse me, dynamic friendship? What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Well, dynamic is the process of our friendships evolving and
changing and growing with us at various stages in our lives.
I really I grouped the book into eight different tenants,
and they are our foundational tenants, such as things like
(06:38):
communicating and learning, how to accept and embrace imperfections and
ourselves and others. Those are really the building blocks of
our friendship. And then they are the social tenets of
our friendship, where we where we practice nurturing their relationships
in our lives. Maybe you were. We we're learning how
to blend and bring different groups and life circumstances together.
(07:00):
And our safeguarding where we're protecting our relationships from neglect
and conflict and even reciprocating, making sure that we're being
really mindful of how we're giving and taking in our relationships.
And then last we have growth, our growth tenets where
it's very important for us to evolve with our friends
(07:20):
and also to evolve individually, which I call self friending
and as a way of really showing up and being
compassionate for ourselves as we would a friend. And to me,
I feel like that's a strong pillar and how we
function in our friendships.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
That's interesting because I think so many times are much
harder on ourselves than our friends. Yes, yes, you know,
I've learned over a period of time that I do
believe that men and women socialize differently. I mean, I
think a lot of women, you know, they'll talk directly,
but when I socialize with men, it seems like we're
always doing activity while we're socializing. You know, It's one
(07:58):
thing to go out to dinner with a guy, and
have a couple of drinks, whatever it is. But I
find that if we can do something side by side,
if we're cycling, or if we're playing you know, corn
bole or something like that, that seems to be better
where we're not necessarily looking at each other.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
And I think that that that closeness is important and
certainly fills an important function in men's loves and some
women as well. But the important thing is that it
you're together, and that you know you can rely on
that person, and that you trust that person with your
with your emotions and with your your well being.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
It's interesting because for the last probably twenty years, I've
sponsored a guy's weekend, you know, at my second home,
and it's eight or nine guys. We get together, and
the weekend is always very active. We're always you know,
uh doing some kind of sport or hiking or something
like that. But the guys love it because it's a
chance just to be with guys, right and we're not
a big drinker group or any thing like that. But
(09:01):
it's just unable to build on those friendships been going
on for so long.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Now. What happens Barry when the conversation might turn to
like to communicating or dialoguing around certain topics. Does that happen?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Oh yeah, I mean certain guys will participate and certain
guys won't participate. Right, Certain guys are much more open
with their lives and others are much more close. And
you know, people participate as much as they want according
to their comfort level. So you also talk about in
the book something called social terrain. What is that?
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah? So I like to think about social terrain as
the ever changing landscape of our lives. And I think
about it as how we navigate our relationships and the
environment in which we interact, and you all those things
that shape how we connect with other people. I mean
kind of like a physical terrain can be smooth or
(09:58):
rocky or uphill. I think social terrain really varies depending
on where we are in our life and our life
stages and circumstances.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
So if I want to build strong friendships in my life,
and let's say have a place where you know, I
don't have those, and I'm a little bit older, where
do I start? Because I found that, you know, about
four years ago we moved to Arizona for the winter.
I found it is difficult when you're in your sixties
to meet people and build new friendships.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Yeah, so, I mean I would say that I think
it's really important. Right. We value people who seem to
respect us and listen to times. And one of the
things I talk about is starting familiar, especially when you
get into the what I call the the young old generation,
(10:52):
which it's like around the mid sixties, when circumstances are
starting to change in life. And then if you start
if you start familiar, it means going to a place
that you maybe already have some connections. Maybe it's a church,
maybe it's a community center something like that, where you
(11:15):
might come across some like minded people.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
So you have something in common.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
Yeah, you have something in common. I also think that
it's important to have those quick check ins with people,
even I mean, the research shows that even just brief
text calls, those sorts of small, brief, intermittent contacts are
very powerful for keeping people connected.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
Yeah. I mean, what we've tried to do is again
tried to go on to the Jewish community center, or
to the gym, or to the hiking group or something
like that. I believe that you know, your book is
even more important now. I mean, obviously with the last election,
there's a big societal divisions that are only getting deeper,
and people like myself the next three months are really
(12:03):
trying to avoid the news, right or to avoid really
what's going on in politics. So I've tried to shift
my attention to my friendships. If you find other people
doing that.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
So that's an interesting question, Barry, because it thirty percent
of Americans right now have chosen to limit time with
friends and family whose viewpoints are different than their own.
In other words, a lot of people are canceling people
(12:38):
that they love because they have discovered or knew that
their votes were dissimilar. And I think, especially as we're
approaching the holidays, it's on a lot of people's minds
about how they're going to navigate and what they're going
to do over the next few months, few days, few
(12:58):
years to deal with these circumstances.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
You know, It's interesting to me because we've had a
deal with this, you know, since twenty sixteen, because we
have some folks in our family that differ from the majority.
And you know, what we've tried to do is set
very very clear boundaries for our get togethers, right yea,
to say, okay, you know, in fact, we just reinforced
those boundaries last week for the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner to say, listen,
(13:26):
we're not going to talk about politics. We're not going
to joke about politics, We're not going to talk about
any of this kind of thing because we don't want
politics to split up our family. It's one thing not
to want to associate on a business level or personal level,
but this is our family, and no one's going to
break our family. So let's set the boundaries so we
don't get to this place. And in twenty sixteen, I
(13:47):
think we did a pretty good job. We're trying to
double our efforts now in twenty twenty four and hopefully
it goes well. But I don't believe the people that
I don't believe any of this should break up your family.
And I think deeply about it, but I don't think
as you break up your family.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Yes, the same, Barry, I agree one percent. And that's
exactly the kind of advice that I've been providing to
people around these sorts of gatherings to to set strong boundaries.
I mean, if you can you want to choose to
engage with people you love, you can create boundaries. You
can set rules, you can have you know, politics free
(14:26):
zones and no one is under any obligation to talk
politics with anyone else.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Yeah, I mean, I agreed.
Speaker 3 (14:34):
And I think the other thing that because I've been
dealing with this a lot lately, and two other things
that we can.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
I know, it's great for your business. You know, the
psychologists have never been busy U fortunately.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
But I think we can choose to the other thing
that we can choose to do when we're ready is
to engage in respectful dialogue with people we love and
care about, right and to do that with curiosity, not judgment,
in a way, to to try to understand where other
people are coming from and to maybe de view some
of that tension. But to do it in a calm environment.
(15:08):
And you know, if you're at a holiday gathering, for example,
maybe you want to and you both people agree to
do it. Maybe you take a walk, or maybe you
find some one on one time that feels safe and calm,
and even set some boundaries on topic or you know,
time limits, because those discussions can be very.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
My website is to my family members is We'll talk
about eventually, but I'm not ready right now. We might
talk about three months or six months or a year
or something like that, but I'm not really in that
place to really have a productive conversation. The last question
I want to ask you, doctor Kimberly, is that a
lot of people try to form friendships but they're not reciprocated,
or people reach out to you and you're not interested.
(15:50):
How do you navigate those kinds of situations?
Speaker 3 (15:54):
Do you mean if someone reaches out to you and
you don't want to.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Be Yeah, if you're interested, or or vice versa, You've
continually tried to form friendships with this person and they
don't reciprocate, how should what should you do with that?
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Well?
Speaker 3 (16:06):
Man, I think sometimes it's okay just to let that go.
You know, every friendship is not meant to last forever,
Every friendship is not meant to be deep. And I
think it's important to acknowledge when one, maybe a friendship
has fizzled out and it really no longer serves a
place in your life. Or two, if that relationship for
(16:28):
some really reason is not comfortable for you and it
feels draining or tosic in some way, it's okay to
let those go.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Yeah, I think it's I think it's really hard because
over my lifetime. I would say I've had a forty
year friendship and I would say about five years ago,
and it's kind of fizzled out because the other person
stopped reciprocating and I made my views known that I
felt they had stopped reciprocating, and nothing really happened. So
I've had to let it go. But it's hard.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
It is hard friendship. Friendship pain is a different kind
of of pain, and I talk about that in the
book too. That you know, we don our society doesn't
provide a lot of scripts and norms for how we
deal with friendship loss and friendship complication. Platonic You know,
platonic relationships are very important in our lives and can
(17:21):
be very painful when we when we lose them or
have to let them go.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Any special guidelines for men and women being I think
especially married men and women being friends on a platonic level,
because you know, sometimes I just even though I'm friendly
with this couple, I just can't see myself getting together
with the woman on my own when my wife gets
(17:47):
together with the woman owned. Any any other conventions around
that or advice around that.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
I mean, yeah, I think that it has to be
comfortable for all parties. I personally I have I have
both male and female friends, and I may see them
at different times with or without their spouses. But I
think there has to be obviously high levels of trust
(18:12):
and agreement, and I think there's a lot to be
gained from relationships and friendships with people different than us.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Yeah, I would agree, it just gets more complicated navigating
that well, yes it does. The title books called Friends
Matter for Life, Such an important topic I think during
this particular period of time, Doctor Kimberly, Where can people
catch up with you and get a copy of the book.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Yes, it's sold on Amazon or anywhere the books are sold,
and you can visit my website, doctor Kimberly horn dot
com or follow me on social media.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Doctor Kimley, thank you for joining us, and I want
to thank everyone for joining this week's radio show. I
got to thank our incredible staff, our booking producer Sarah
schafferan our video and Sounded or Ethan Moltz. If you
are serious about being more successful in twenty twenty five,
give me a call except a private line seven seven
three eight three seven eight two five zero, or email
me at Barry at Molts dot com. Remember, love everyone,
(19:08):
trust the few, and pal your own canoe. Have a
profitable and passionate week.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
If you can find Barrymoltz on the web at Barrymolts
dot com. For more episodes of Small Business Radio at
small Business radioshow dot com.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!