March 21, 2025 • 34 mins
John Dich shares his profound journey of healing and self-forgiveness after experiencing incarceration. He discusses his upbringing in an immigrant family, the search for validation that led him to a gang lifestyle, and the challenges he faced in prison. John reflects on his transformation, the importance of impulse awareness, and the steps he took towards self-care and emotional healing. He emphasizes the significance of forgiving oneself and understanding the inner child, ultimately highlighting the ongoing struggle of recovery and personal growth.
Chapters
(00:00) Journey of Healing and Self-Forgiveness
(05:26) Life in Prison: Coping Mechanisms and Daily Routine
(10:33) Transformation and Release: The Path to Freedom
(15:32) Navigating Life After Incarceration
(20:33) Impulse Awareness and Self-Care Strategies
(25:18) The Importance of Self-Forgiveness and Healing the Inner Child
John Dich IG:
https://www.instagram.com/igotdarunz/
Follow Me on Social Media:
https://www.instagram.com/thevoncastshow/
https://www.instagram.com/shibavon/
https://www.iamvon.net/
Chapters
(00:00) Journey of Healing and Self-Forgiveness
(05:26) Life in Prison: Coping Mechanisms and Daily Routine
(10:33) Transformation and Release: The Path to Freedom
(15:32) Navigating Life After Incarceration
(20:33) Impulse Awareness and Self-Care Strategies
(25:18) The Importance of Self-Forgiveness and Healing the Inner Child
John Dich IG:
https://www.instagram.com/igotdarunz/
Follow Me on Social Media:
https://www.instagram.com/thevoncastshow/
https://www.instagram.com/shibavon/
https://www.iamvon.net/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there! My name is Vaughn and this is the Vaughncast Show. This is a podcast that focuses on
(00:08):
mental health, breaking societal stigmas, harm reduction, addiction and recovery. If you like what
you hear, subscribe and leave a review on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Also, follow the podcast
Instagram @thevaughncast show where I post video content from the show. All right, let's get into
(00:33):
today's episode. Welcome to the Vaughncast show. Hope everybody's doing well. Today I got
a guest with me, John. How's it going today, man? It's going well, man. I can't complain.
Life's been good. Good. Good. So I met John online through the Facebook, social media groups,
back in the day. Like years ago, man, it's a trip. But here, we're going to talk about a story of
(01:01):
healing, self-forgiveness and incarceration and moving forward. Let's see, what do we start,
man? Can you give us a little bit of background about your upbringing?
So I grew from an immigrant background. Parents from my great-year are from Vietnam during the war.
Just pretty much escaped the war just to give us a better, better life growing up. So at the time,
(01:26):
I didn't understand it. It was a bit rough because I come to the States. Well, I was born here, but seeing
how other kids and stuff were being raised, it was a struggle because it wasn't similar to how
there's where, you know, the Americans. And for me, it made me realize like a lot of things
(01:48):
that I was lacking. I didn't know it at the time because, like seeing the Americans,
white kids, the Americans, they were in so much love and attention from their parents. So those were
some things that were lacking for me at the time. But so yeah, it was rough. I grew up being raised
(02:11):
in both parents' household and education was a forefront of everything. And so parents were never
home. They were always out working grinding. And you know, when I never saw them home and stuff,
I felt like they were never there for me. So for me, I sought that elsewhere growing up because I
(02:33):
needed that attention from them that I wasn't getting. So in a sense, I ended up joining a gang and
ultimately led a criminal lifestyle that ended in prison. Right. Right. Okay. Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, I feel like it's a lot different. If a family escapes from war, there's definitely,
(02:55):
I can imagine PTSD and trauma that comes from that. So when they come to this country, it's like
it's like a culture shock and it's also just adjusting. You know, as opposed to families that
didn't go through that. So I can see where you're coming from. You know, um, and so yeah, I guess that's
where maybe like the need for validation came in. Like I read your story and how it impacted your
(03:21):
life. Yeah, definitely. It was one of the contributing factors in my life because, you know, since I wasn't
getting the validation at home, I saw that else were enjoying the gang. And so that's where all the
validation came from all the wrong validation that I thought was what I needed at the time.
Because, you know, like, you know, you want to hear your parents say they love you, they want to
(03:46):
be there for you stuff like that and they were never home. So I took that as a sign that
I was being rejected or being abandoned. So the next is that's why I joined a gang to seek
that validation because every time I did bad, the homeboys would like validate you for that. Like,
at a boy. And so this shows you a lot of love that you weren't getting at home or I wasn't getting at home.
(04:08):
Right. And I think for me, the self-aludation, it didn't come from being so much, but just like,
the need to be accepted. Maybe like I started late with drinking and partying. And for me,
it was like, you know, they gave you like props to feel with down a shot. So it's, oh,
shit, I want to do another one. Or yo, hit this bomb. Oh, dude, that was cool. Like, you know,
(04:30):
to do that. Like hold it in longer next time. But yo, props. So I felt like there was this thing. Oh,
you know, chug chug chug. I'm alright. I'll do it. You know, like I wanted to like fit in and I
wanted to be accepted by my peers. So I think that's how it happened. You know, like with partying,
you know, like, but then over time, I just became me like, oh, I gotta get high. Like I needed
(04:52):
validation for myself, maybe because maybe I didn't get that same love growing up. And I felt like,
you know, nobody understood me. But when I take drugs, everything feels okay. You know, there was
that validation that came with that self validation. Maybe I didn't feel like I was enough. I was,
I was liking in different things in my life. But man, you know, when when I'm on drugs,
(05:15):
I feel like I'm complete. I don't need anybody's. I paint anybody. Well, anybody else else would say,
I don't need to approval. But the thing is with drugs, it's not, it's not permanent. It's temporary.
So once like once it wears off, I'm feeling shitty like damn there goes my self-worth, there goes my
self-esteem. I'm feeling shitty. I gotta, I gotta like, re up. I gotta feel good again. So it's just
(05:41):
never-ending cycle. So I understand that where the validation the need for acceptance comes from.
Definitely. I think that's that's a huge thing for a lot of people growing up.
For individuals, sometimes they don't know how to deal with this. So they end up taking the wrong
paths. Yeah. Yeah, man. I mean, yeah, looking back at it's like I could have done this at that. But,
(06:04):
you know, it is what it is and you learn from it. So when you got incarcerated, what was going
through your mind, man? At the time, well, going back to when I was sentenced, you know, when I heard
them say that I had life in prison, I just start smiling and laughing. And I thought it was a joke.
(06:26):
Maybe I was laughing because it was like a defense mechanism that I couldn't believe it that it was
happening. But once I made it into prison, no, I was a bit scared, but I was always told that I can
show any, in the fear while I'm prison. It's a doggy dog world. They're in there. And, yeah, I was,
(06:48):
I was quite scared when I went in, like the first prison I went to was Pelican Bay. And I was like,
damn, you know, I didn't do anything that serious to have me be placed at this location. But,
you know, what I'm here now. And so my mindset completely changed. And I was like, I gave
(07:10):
him to the fucking mentality. Yeah. Yeah. Side note, you ran into Michael, right? I had one podcast before.
Yeah. Yeah. That's where I met him. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So did you guys mean in Pelican Bay? Or is it a
different place? Yeah. We met up Pelican Bay. Yeah. That's a trip, man. I had no idea you were
(07:33):
incarcerated for so long either. I found out from him that he, when we met him, he was like, he
was in size still online and everything. So that's a trip, man. It's such a small world. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It is. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Man. So what kept you like, okay. So walk us through like a
(07:55):
day-to-day life for you in prison. Like I know it's, it's very like, there's a schedule. Right? You
got to like keep up with, right? Yeah. So it's like starting off the level four, it's mandatory.
You wake up around 4 a.m. You know, you clean the cell, one person out, one person down. And it's
always mandatory that one person is up. Can't be sleeping throughout the day. So we're costly lockdown.
(08:19):
So we were either in the cell working out, busing, like making spray, like cook in and stuff like
that and just reading, just staying busy, staying active. And those are always mandatory that we worked out.
Because at Plagum Bay, you never knew when the car would pop your door and they'd tend to do that a lot.
And so being on, I was on B yard where it was costly, rocking and rolling. And so you always had to be on your
(08:43):
toes. Right. Right. For those who don't know, like spread, what is that exactly? Spread is like, just me
and my selling, my bunkey, just, just, just, breaking bread, just cooking some food and just eating and just
chopping it up. Right. What was like your typical food? Well, we get the typical meal in prison,
(09:08):
three meals a day, but it was always asked. So typical meal would until like, instant rice or like top
ramen. Right. Yeah. I think, yeah, put ramen, like put like chips or whatever. Well, he gave it to
ramen, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of times, prison spread, they crush up the ramen, the chips
(09:29):
and the pork rinds and just pretty much don't hold a whole bunch of different stuff together in the bag
and don't water in there and just let it soak. Right. Right. Okay. So you were incarcerated for
quite a long time. How did you get through difficult days? I imagine there was a lot of those.
(09:52):
Well, like I said, you can't show any weakness in prison no matter how difficult things were, like,
you know, you have to push that aside. And so that became my coping mechanism. Every time I felt like
shit, like I just had to bottle everything up. Like, in the sense too, is like growing up, you're taught
not to show any emotions. And so that's how it was. So we just kept everything in and just bottled
(10:16):
up and pushed it down even further. I've been dealing with our issues. So ultimately, it was a good
thing too because when push comes to itself, when like some shit happened, all that frustration that
anger came out and unleashed it into like the prison population. Right. Right. Okay. So you said earlier
(10:37):
that you were sentenced to life. What changed? Like, how did you like end up getting out and hard to
feel when you got out? So initially, so throughout my time, I've always had private attorneys.
And the last time while I was incarcerated, I became really good friends with one of my
(11:01):
appellers, William Ulsterholt. He's still in my life today. And we always kept in touch. And so he
always told me, just study law, just study law. Like, if you want a job out here, like, oh, hire you.
I didn't end up going that route, but I did study paralegals studies in prison. And I did end up getting
(11:21):
certified. So I learned a bit about the law. And so I believe it was around 2015 when one of my
buddies, K-slob, got published, which affected me. So at the time, I looked into that case. And so I
contacted William Ulsterholt. And so we talked back in the fourth, and he was like, you know what?
(11:45):
This is up your alley. Run it. So I ended up writing a habeas corpus, submitted it for review. And he
told me to submit it. And so it took roughly about two years for it to go through. So on the second
year, I got the decision that my time was reduced down to 15 of life. So when that happened,
(12:07):
I just started grinding like I was thinking to funk at first because I didn't give into all this
self-care type of shit. I thought I was faking some bullshit like healing the inner child. Look
the fuck is that even. You know, it was like, you don't believe in that shit because you don't,
you don't really know, you don't understand it. So the first year I fake the flat, went through the
(12:29):
program, went through the process. But over time, I started to don on me like, thought, this is like,
this is real. And it's just like, I didn't want to deal with it. That's why. And I was scared to deal with
it because growing up again, we're taught not to deal with our emotions. It's just a bother
everything up. But a little over five years, I start to understand myself a little bit better. And
(12:53):
the circumstance surrounded my case, my family, everything. And once I started to understand
healing the inner child and forgiving myself, that's when I fully bought into it. And so
when I did that on my 15th year, I went to the board of prison terms and I went through a board
(13:19):
here. I ended up hiring a lawyer, which was a waste of money. I didn't need it because all he did
would just sit there. But ultimately, I just had a conversation with three commissioners. And
ultimately they saw my genuine change. And so they granted me suitability. So after 150 days,
(13:39):
I was released from custody. So initially, when I got out, I was definitely a closer shark, but
at the same time, I felt guilty because my sister picked me up. No one knew that I was going to be
besides my sister. I wasn't sure if I was ever getting out. So I didn't want to give my parents false
(14:00):
hope. So the only person I told was my little sister. She came pick me up. And as we were driving away
from the prison, I felt so guilty because I felt like a part of me was already forgetting about that
life already. Yeah, wow, man. So you kind of did some inner work while you were in there. And
(14:21):
thought to the commissioners and they saw a change in you. And the guilt you felt, you know, you
felt like you're not living even that life. And then you're out. So what was the transition to
phase like for you? Because you were in there for quite a while. What was it like adjusting back to
(14:42):
regular society? I think for me, like, it wasn't too hard because my family always kept me in a
loop of everything. So transition wasn't too hard. The only thing that was hard was making choices
because there are so many options out here. Like I went to the restaurant and like, there's so many
options on the menu that I didn't even know what to do. I didn't even know what to pick. And I kept
(15:06):
telling myself to just pick me whatever. Like, I don't care. Just pick me anything. But of course,
went with the steak and eggs. The typical meal everyone usually gets when they get out.
Yeah. I remember Michael, his first meal out was hand express and a heineken.
That was the best like taste ever. How was that first meal out for you, man?
(15:32):
First meal was amazing. Nothing can compare to the taste of freedom. I mean,
anything tastes better when you're not in prison. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So one of that inner work talk,
you know, okay, you were able to get out of a life sentence. It feels like, I don't know,
from what it seems like, it seemed like the journey just started here. You got a second chance. But
(15:56):
everything is so different. I read what you sent me. Talk to us about the 12 steps of self-care
and pulse awareness. I thought that was pretty interesting. Yeah. So that's something that the board wanted
to see that, you know, you genuinely made the changes in your life. So I created that 12 step
(16:18):
awareness plan that's different from everyone else. Everyone always did the same type of plan. So
I created something different to deal with my character defects. And so what I did was just put
together things that I felt impacted my life significantly and how I addressed it. It's like,
you know, in daily life, there's always going to be shit in your, it's shit that comes in your way.
(16:41):
A lot of times people are going to act on impulse. And so that's ultimately what led me to prison
acting on my impulses. And so I didn't give myself that little room, the little breather to
think about the whole situation before acting on my choices. So, yeah, that's where that step came
up, like that or the awareness plan. So I created that and implemented my life. And so I think for me,
(17:10):
what's most important thing is dealing with impulses. Taking that deep breath before you make any
decision, think about all the actions. So all it takes is like 10 seconds. Yeah, you know, I'm dealing
with that too on a different level. I don't, I've been clean for two years and a couple of months,
(17:31):
but similar program, I have character defects. I still act out. You know, I was using drugs because
I was angry, scared, anxious, even like happy. And now that I don't have it, I see come out
in different things. I'm impulse of spending. Maybe I'm eating a lot because I'm so stressed out,
(17:52):
I want to knock out. Maybe because, you know, I'm feeling so like down that I'm just going to take a
long ass nap and, you know, wake up and maybe that problem go away or just procrastination and
everything. Yeah, the impulse, man, it's tough. It's tough for me, man, because I'm so used to
some sort of instant gratification right away. You know, now that the drugs are gone, it's like,
(18:16):
there's different things. But it's like, fuck, man. So that's interesting that, you know, she'll deal
with that. No, like that impulse, man, it's tough. Honestly, I think that it's never going to go away.
It's always going to be there either it's going to be dormant or whatever it is, but one thing they
always said inside was there's no day off in recovery. You know, the moment you slip up, you could
(18:39):
end up making that that poor decision that could result yourself in prison doing life or taking that
hit or whatever it is. No, every day is a cost of struggle, but it's just how you deal with it.
Yeah, I totally agree. Same with my program. I wrote a 12 step program and, you know, that addiction,
(18:59):
it doesn't go away. I still think about getting high to this day. Not so much drinking was never my
thing, but when I'm really stressed out, I'm like, fuck, man, I'm gonna get high right now. But I know it's
going through meanings and through life experiences that, yeah, it'll feel good right now. Like the first hit,
but then like, I feel so guilty. And then I'll spiral, you know, I'll have to start over my recovery,
(19:23):
or probably feel out of shame and guilt. And I'm learning to play that through my head. So it's like,
you know what? I don't need to do that. But, you know, the other impulse is there. But yeah, man,
I mean, I think with your case, it's a little different because certain impulses you might act on,
it can land you back in there. You know, can you talk to us about just like, what do you mean? Like the
(19:46):
10 second, like the deep breath in 10 seconds, you see a situation. Like, how does that work for you?
So like, say you get an argument with someone, right? A lot of times people are going to act on
the emotions and they're just going to react. But like in that situation, you just take that deep breath.
All it takes like 10 seconds, right? That 10 seconds during that time, you can reflect on everything.
(20:09):
It could be quick. It's in your mind. Like, take that deep breath, like, fuck. But then you play out
the behavioral change situation, like what you discussed earlier, like ABC, like, there's how
feeling what's making me feel this way and what parts know good. Like that, partly, if you give it that
thought real quick, you could ultimately save yourself from a lot of trouble. Yeah. Also, I'm having
(20:35):
a difficult time just sitting with the emotion sometimes. It's so like physical, like that anger
or that stress or anxiety or fear. It's like, fuck, man, I don't want to feel like this. Yeah.
And I want to escape and do other things when I have to learn how to just say with this emotion. Like,
yeah, physically right now, nothing's happening. It's just in my head, but it just feels really real
(20:59):
that our body can't really tell like I could have like a thought from years ago. It was like pretty
horrible. And my body still like is when I think of that thought feels like my body thinks I'm back
there still. Yeah. But I'm not. But it's like, fuck, man, it's just it's overwhelming sometimes.
So I think I think there's still maybe a part in your life that you still haven't fully hills from
(21:24):
yet. You know, you say you have a lot of anger. And ultimately, that's a secondary emotion that's
brought on by something primary. So for me, I had to understand that to get until the underlying
issue is like the iceberg effect, you know, beneath the surface of the iceberg, there's a lot of
shit. Angers just a surface. So once you get to the bottom of the root cause and you know,
(21:49):
it's such a self-free. And that's ultimately what I did in prison. Oh, man. Yeah, dude, it's just,
yeah, man, there's definitely some things unresolved. I'm working on it, you know,
weekly avatariate, I go to 12 step meetings. But yeah, man, no, that's that's true. Like, it's
a secondary thing. It's deeper than that. You know, there's deeper. There's reason why I want to escape
(22:12):
these emotions. But yeah, overall, I just got to learn how to manage it. I mean, I don't think anger
in general is a bad thing. It's just how you act on it. Right. It's human nature. It's okay to feel
angry, but it just depends what you do with that. Yeah, definitely. There's good anger, man. You see
all these sports players out there. No, utilize that anger in a good way and positive way that drives
(22:35):
them. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, going back to what you said, impulse awareness, man, I can definitely
relate to that, man, just because sometimes I see something like situation happens is I should
definitely be mindful of, okay, I can do this. Feel good now. But feel shitty later or feel
or like sit that like ride this feeling out. Feel shitty now and feel better later. Because sometimes
(23:03):
a lot of times even like going back to using back when I was like, fuck, man, I want to get high
tonight. But I know I'll feel shitty. I'm going to regret it. And sometimes when I sleep it off,
I wake up. I'm like, damn, I'm really glad I did not get high. Because yeah, I felt like shit
that night before. I just got a good night's sleep, man. And I feel better. Same with today as anxious,
(23:25):
but got a nap. Oh, fuck, I feel a lot better. You know, but yeah, man, I'm glad you made that self-care
thing for yourself. It helped you ultimately get out of prison. Yeah, that's really powerful. Yeah.
And like healing the inner child. And ever knew about that until like a few years ago, I'm like,
what the hell is that? You know, I'm an adult. But there's definitely like a wounded inner child,
(23:50):
you know, going there before and everything. Yeah. Yeah, man, it's powerful. Like it's
personally. Yeah. Right? No, I'm just saying, regarding that inner child, there's a book called
a House of the Feeling. It's it's fucking amazing, bro. You got to definitely check it out. But it
talks about like how, you know, a lot of times we don't understand our inner child, how we
(24:14):
blamed ourselves for a lot of things. And so ultimately, once you forgive yourself that inner
child that you start to have to understand that was your fault. You start to let go of a lot of
things and you start to heal. Yeah, I like that. You know, there's a step in my program where you,
you ask higher power to help you let go of your character defects or just let go feels good,
(24:38):
man, but sometimes, man, I don't know. Sometimes resentment feels good. I don't know about you,
but fuck, man, I should feel good. And I think that's something I'm mindful of because sometimes,
like holding grudges feels good, but I know in the long run, it's not healthy. But sometimes,
I obsess over like, yeah, fuck you. Fuck that guy. What's that saying? Resembleness is like taking poison
(24:59):
and hoping the other person dies or something like that. Forget it's been years. That's right. No,
that's right. But damn, that'd be cool. They died too. You know, I see them in hell. I'm all the fuck
you know what I'm saying? Shit. But it's like that's a not a really good healthy way to deal with things.
Speaking of which, man, forgiving yourself, how have you taken, what steps have you taken
(25:21):
towards healing and forgiving yourself? For me, it's just like, I really beat myself up for
shit I did. You know, and a lot of times I can forgive other people. I can forgive myself. It's so
easy. Sometimes like when, when people, when my friends time and they fucked up or something,
I'm like, oh, that's all good, man. Yo, there's another day. It's all good, but for some reason, I can't
do that for myself always. And that's the easiest thing is to forgive others.
(25:45):
And, you know, and going back to how, you know, a lot of, I feel a lot of people don't understand
what self forgiveness is. So they, they tend to find it very hard to forgive themselves because
they always think that what is there to forgive myself for? Well, ultimately, it's, it's, it's,
an issue that's very hard to deal with because not a lot of people understand it. So of course,
(26:10):
forgiving others, it's, it's easy. Sure, I could forgive anyone, but forgive myself, hell,
what the fuck is that? You don't have a full understanding of it. Like, what's the need to
forgive myself? And ultimately, for me, what it was was, you know, I blame myself for a lot of things,
(26:33):
like, why my parents didn't love me, why my parents wasn't there for me, but I start to understand how
they raised me the best way they knew how. And the way they're raising me, just because they think
it's right doesn't mean it's always right. And it wasn't what I was needing. So I blame myself for a lot
of things growing up. So I ended up forgiving myself for blaming them that I ended up the way I did.
(26:59):
But ultimately, everything fell on myself because I made those decisions. And so one, once I start
to realize I made my own choices that I fucked up, not them, they raised me the best way they knew.
So I can't blame them, the only person I have to blame is myself. So once I start to understand that,
(27:21):
I was able to forgive myself for all the wrong doings I did, all the fuck ups, all my feelings that I felt,
I start to address them. And so after that, forgiveness, self forgiveness was easy.
I became second nature. Because ultimately we need to forgive ourselves for a lot of things growing up.
(27:42):
Yeah, now 100% man, I mean, my family raised, my parents raised me the best they could. I don't
hold resentment so much in the past I did. But it's like they were young. They were like late teenagers
early adults when they had me. I can't imagine how I'd be a parent at their age. When I got,
(28:06):
when I got their age, I'm like damn, and they were able to raise me. So there was that. And with what I
did in my past is usually imparting, yeah, definitely was on me. Nobody told me, hey, nobody
forced me to get high. I was my choice. And I accept that now. And it's okay. That's life.
(28:28):
One, I'm glad to be alive. I didn't overdose or anything. That's like a really big thing to walk out of it.
And two, I kind of learned some things out of it as well. I learned empathy, I learned compassion.
But yeah, I like what you said, what are we going to forget? What are we forgiving ourselves for?
You know, for me, a lot of times it's like, I feel like I shouldn't be making these mistakes. But I do.
(28:53):
I know it's probably a lot deeper than that. Yeah, it goes back to being your child.
You have to start understanding, you know, what led you to become the person you became.
Like for me, I did an introspection and I delve deep into my past of my first trauma. I wrote it down and
(29:13):
broke it down by age. I wrote down how it felt. What made me feel this way. And that's how I started
healing that in the trial is just having to understand him doing that introspection.
Right. Yeah. That's tough. Man, it's not easy. Yeah. No, 100% man. I can definitely do that again.
I remember I did that before, like a four step in my program where I wrote out things that like
(29:40):
what everybody did, how people wronged me. Even like from where I can remember. And I think for
me, it was a lot of it was like, you know, when that happened, I felt like less than I felt like
guilty, even of things I wasn't guilty of. Now I was a kid. I didn't know you better. But yeah,
(30:02):
not as that's deep, man. I can definitely do that again. And it's tough. Like you said, when I
when I wrote that list of people who wronged me what they did, it was difficult, man. I didn't want to
do that. You know, it's just like to look back. These are all the things that you repressed. These are
all the things for me personally that I, this is the reason why I got high. So I don't have to remember
(30:22):
these things. But in doing so, I remember feeling a little more free and a little like that weight
kind of lifted off my shoulders, you know, you know, definitely. What was that book again?
House is a healing. House is appealing. Yeah, because it's a trip, man. Like a lot of us in our
(30:44):
adulthood, we run around like, we feel like we're grown, but there's definitely like a wounded
child for many of us. Yeah, we have to address. Like I do feel like a lot of the trauma we experience as
a kid. We, we, we man it like we manifest it manifests into adulthood and different things from
use to option. Definitely. And it's tough. I feel like with Asian households, I don't think
(31:09):
it's normalized. A lot of them say, I love you where they show care like the Western parents do.
So when I see that, like he said, when you see that difference, it's like, oh, how come they're not
caring for me? Kind of. It's definitely a challenge. Yeah. And we didn't understand the best way they
they showed love was providing food and roof over her head and make sure we was always
standing closed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. 100%. Man. Um, shit, man, I think that's, that's about it.
(31:37):
Dude, thank you for sharing your story, man. Um, I really wanted to focus on like the self-care and
and then and then post of awareness. And I think that's big, dude. I think that's something everybody
can relate with and, you know, forgiving yourself of moving on. I think for me, I just try to make
a man and try to be a better person. You know, there's some, there's some things where it's like,
(31:59):
you know, like I can't, you know, things have happened already. It's like, what can I do? I feel like
sometimes saying sorry to other people. Like I fucked up with them so much. It's like, that's not
going to do anything. It's about the actions to behavior. Yeah. You go and you say sorry so many times
before it doesn't even mean shit anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Man, or just like living a man that's like,
(32:22):
yeah, you know, I fucked up or sometimes for me, like my, my sponsor says that some people
haven't seen in a long time years, you fucked over them over. Like sometimes you might hurt them
just to if you pop back into the lives. Yeah. I'm sorry for so and so. Sometimes it's not
recommend you do that. Sometimes you just gotta like, all right, I fucked up with this person
with this character defect. Let me try to minimize this character defect. I'm moving forward, you know.
(32:47):
Yeah. It's definitely, you know, your sponsor is right not to, you know, reach out because
ultimately for me, what I've learned is that, you know, making a man's, you could just simply write a
letter and you don't even have to give it to them. Just write it down on a letter expressing how you
feel saying you're sorry, everything, explain your actions and just burn it. Just throw it away, rip it
(33:11):
up and you did it though. Yeah. No, I could definitely write more of those letters, like
refreshing looking back like, damn, I can write a full length letter. But yo, man, thank you for
sharing your story, man. Again, I had no idea you went through what you did until like a few years
ago. And I've always wanted to get you on your on the podcast to talk about this. And I think it's
(33:32):
really powerful. I'm proud of you, man. Like you shit dude. Like, you know, I don't know the rates.
The people like going to prison and come going going going in and out. I don't forget that term. But
like, when people got a prison, there's usually a high chance they might come back. Yeah, rescindes them.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really difficult. I know like the system definitely has barriers. It's a lot
(33:52):
different, really difficult. But I'm really glad that you're able to make it out and make
something of yourself, man. Appreciate it, man. Appreciate it. Thank you for having me. No problem, man.
Well, thank you so much. Have a good one.
Hey there! My name is Vaughn and this is the Vaughncast Show. This is a podcast that focuses on
(00:08):
mental health, breaking societal stigmas, harm reduction, addiction and recovery. If you like what
you hear, subscribe and leave a review on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Also, follow the podcast
Instagram @thevaughncast show where I post video content from the show. All right, let's get into
(00:33):
today's episode. Welcome to the Vaughncast show. Hope everybody's doing well. Today I got
a guest with me, John. How's it going today, man? It's going well, man. I can't complain.
Life's been good. Good. Good. So I met John online through the Facebook, social media groups,
back in the day. Like years ago, man, it's a trip. But here, we're going to talk about a story of
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healing, self-forgiveness and incarceration and moving forward. Let's see, what do we start,
man? Can you give us a little bit of background about your upbringing?
So I grew from an immigrant background. Parents from my great-year are from Vietnam during the war.
Just pretty much escaped the war just to give us a better, better life growing up. So at the time,
(01:26):
I didn't understand it. It was a bit rough because I come to the States. Well, I was born here, but seeing
how other kids and stuff were being raised, it was a struggle because it wasn't similar to how
there's where, you know, the Americans. And for me, it made me realize like a lot of things
(01:48):
that I was lacking. I didn't know it at the time because, like seeing the Americans,
white kids, the Americans, they were in so much love and attention from their parents. So those were
some things that were lacking for me at the time. But so yeah, it was rough. I grew up being raised
(02:11):
in both parents' household and education was a forefront of everything. And so parents were never
home. They were always out working grinding. And you know, when I never saw them home and stuff,
I felt like they were never there for me. So for me, I sought that elsewhere growing up because I
(02:33):
needed that attention from them that I wasn't getting. So in a sense, I ended up joining a gang and
ultimately led a criminal lifestyle that ended in prison. Right. Right. Okay. Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, I feel like it's a lot different. If a family escapes from war, there's definitely,
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I can imagine PTSD and trauma that comes from that. So when they come to this country, it's like
it's like a culture shock and it's also just adjusting. You know, as opposed to families that
didn't go through that. So I can see where you're coming from. You know, um, and so yeah, I guess that's
where maybe like the need for validation came in. Like I read your story and how it impacted your
(03:21):
life. Yeah, definitely. It was one of the contributing factors in my life because, you know, since I wasn't
getting the validation at home, I saw that else were enjoying the gang. And so that's where all the
validation came from all the wrong validation that I thought was what I needed at the time.
Because, you know, like, you know, you want to hear your parents say they love you, they want to
(03:46):
be there for you stuff like that and they were never home. So I took that as a sign that
I was being rejected or being abandoned. So the next is that's why I joined a gang to seek
that validation because every time I did bad, the homeboys would like validate you for that. Like,
at a boy. And so this shows you a lot of love that you weren't getting at home or I wasn't getting at home.
(04:08):
Right. And I think for me, the self-aludation, it didn't come from being so much, but just like,
the need to be accepted. Maybe like I started late with drinking and partying. And for me,
it was like, you know, they gave you like props to feel with down a shot. So it's, oh,
shit, I want to do another one. Or yo, hit this bomb. Oh, dude, that was cool. Like, you know,
(04:30):
to do that. Like hold it in longer next time. But yo, props. So I felt like there was this thing. Oh,
you know, chug chug chug. I'm alright. I'll do it. You know, like I wanted to like fit in and I
wanted to be accepted by my peers. So I think that's how it happened. You know, like with partying,
you know, like, but then over time, I just became me like, oh, I gotta get high. Like I needed
(04:52):
validation for myself, maybe because maybe I didn't get that same love growing up. And I felt like,
you know, nobody understood me. But when I take drugs, everything feels okay. You know, there was
that validation that came with that self validation. Maybe I didn't feel like I was enough. I was,
I was liking in different things in my life. But man, you know, when when I'm on drugs,
(05:15):
I feel like I'm complete. I don't need anybody's. I paint anybody. Well, anybody else else would say,
I don't need to approval. But the thing is with drugs, it's not, it's not permanent. It's temporary.
So once like once it wears off, I'm feeling shitty like damn there goes my self-worth, there goes my
self-esteem. I'm feeling shitty. I gotta, I gotta like, re up. I gotta feel good again. So it's just
(05:41):
never-ending cycle. So I understand that where the validation the need for acceptance comes from.
Definitely. I think that's that's a huge thing for a lot of people growing up.
For individuals, sometimes they don't know how to deal with this. So they end up taking the wrong
paths. Yeah. Yeah, man. I mean, yeah, looking back at it's like I could have done this at that. But,
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you know, it is what it is and you learn from it. So when you got incarcerated, what was going
through your mind, man? At the time, well, going back to when I was sentenced, you know, when I heard
them say that I had life in prison, I just start smiling and laughing. And I thought it was a joke.
(06:26):
Maybe I was laughing because it was like a defense mechanism that I couldn't believe it that it was
happening. But once I made it into prison, no, I was a bit scared, but I was always told that I can
show any, in the fear while I'm prison. It's a doggy dog world. They're in there. And, yeah, I was,
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I was quite scared when I went in, like the first prison I went to was Pelican Bay. And I was like,
damn, you know, I didn't do anything that serious to have me be placed at this location. But,
you know, what I'm here now. And so my mindset completely changed. And I was like, I gave
(07:10):
him to the fucking mentality. Yeah. Yeah. Side note, you ran into Michael, right? I had one podcast before.
Yeah. Yeah. That's where I met him. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So did you guys mean in Pelican Bay? Or is it a
different place? Yeah. We met up Pelican Bay. Yeah. That's a trip, man. I had no idea you were
(07:33):
incarcerated for so long either. I found out from him that he, when we met him, he was like, he
was in size still online and everything. So that's a trip, man. It's such a small world. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It is. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Man. So what kept you like, okay. So walk us through like a
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day-to-day life for you in prison. Like I know it's, it's very like, there's a schedule. Right? You
got to like keep up with, right? Yeah. So it's like starting off the level four, it's mandatory.
You wake up around 4 a.m. You know, you clean the cell, one person out, one person down. And it's
always mandatory that one person is up. Can't be sleeping throughout the day. So we're costly lockdown.
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So we were either in the cell working out, busing, like making spray, like cook in and stuff like
that and just reading, just staying busy, staying active. And those are always mandatory that we worked out.
Because at Plagum Bay, you never knew when the car would pop your door and they'd tend to do that a lot.
And so being on, I was on B yard where it was costly, rocking and rolling. And so you always had to be on your
(08:43):
toes. Right. Right. For those who don't know, like spread, what is that exactly? Spread is like, just me
and my selling, my bunkey, just, just, just, breaking bread, just cooking some food and just eating and just
chopping it up. Right. What was like your typical food? Well, we get the typical meal in prison,
(09:08):
three meals a day, but it was always asked. So typical meal would until like, instant rice or like top
ramen. Right. Yeah. I think, yeah, put ramen, like put like chips or whatever. Well, he gave it to
ramen, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of times, prison spread, they crush up the ramen, the chips
(09:29):
and the pork rinds and just pretty much don't hold a whole bunch of different stuff together in the bag
and don't water in there and just let it soak. Right. Right. Okay. So you were incarcerated for
quite a long time. How did you get through difficult days? I imagine there was a lot of those.
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Well, like I said, you can't show any weakness in prison no matter how difficult things were, like,
you know, you have to push that aside. And so that became my coping mechanism. Every time I felt like
shit, like I just had to bottle everything up. Like, in the sense too, is like growing up, you're taught
not to show any emotions. And so that's how it was. So we just kept everything in and just bottled
(10:16):
up and pushed it down even further. I've been dealing with our issues. So ultimately, it was a good
thing too because when push comes to itself, when like some shit happened, all that frustration that
anger came out and unleashed it into like the prison population. Right. Right. Okay. So you said earlier
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that you were sentenced to life. What changed? Like, how did you like end up getting out and hard to
feel when you got out? So initially, so throughout my time, I've always had private attorneys.
And the last time while I was incarcerated, I became really good friends with one of my
(11:01):
appellers, William Ulsterholt. He's still in my life today. And we always kept in touch. And so he
always told me, just study law, just study law. Like, if you want a job out here, like, oh, hire you.
I didn't end up going that route, but I did study paralegals studies in prison. And I did end up getting
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certified. So I learned a bit about the law. And so I believe it was around 2015 when one of my
buddies, K-slob, got published, which affected me. So at the time, I looked into that case. And so I
contacted William Ulsterholt. And so we talked back in the fourth, and he was like, you know what?
(11:45):
This is up your alley. Run it. So I ended up writing a habeas corpus, submitted it for review. And he
told me to submit it. And so it took roughly about two years for it to go through. So on the second
year, I got the decision that my time was reduced down to 15 of life. So when that happened,
(12:07):
I just started grinding like I was thinking to funk at first because I didn't give into all this
self-care type of shit. I thought I was faking some bullshit like healing the inner child. Look
the fuck is that even. You know, it was like, you don't believe in that shit because you don't,
you don't really know, you don't understand it. So the first year I fake the flat, went through the
(12:29):
program, went through the process. But over time, I started to don on me like, thought, this is like,
this is real. And it's just like, I didn't want to deal with it. That's why. And I was scared to deal with
it because growing up again, we're taught not to deal with our emotions. It's just a bother
everything up. But a little over five years, I start to understand myself a little bit better. And
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the circumstance surrounded my case, my family, everything. And once I started to understand
healing the inner child and forgiving myself, that's when I fully bought into it. And so
when I did that on my 15th year, I went to the board of prison terms and I went through a board
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here. I ended up hiring a lawyer, which was a waste of money. I didn't need it because all he did
would just sit there. But ultimately, I just had a conversation with three commissioners. And
ultimately they saw my genuine change. And so they granted me suitability. So after 150 days,
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I was released from custody. So initially, when I got out, I was definitely a closer shark, but
at the same time, I felt guilty because my sister picked me up. No one knew that I was going to be
besides my sister. I wasn't sure if I was ever getting out. So I didn't want to give my parents false
(14:00):
hope. So the only person I told was my little sister. She came pick me up. And as we were driving away
from the prison, I felt so guilty because I felt like a part of me was already forgetting about that
life already. Yeah, wow, man. So you kind of did some inner work while you were in there. And
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thought to the commissioners and they saw a change in you. And the guilt you felt, you know, you
felt like you're not living even that life. And then you're out. So what was the transition to
phase like for you? Because you were in there for quite a while. What was it like adjusting back to
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regular society? I think for me, like, it wasn't too hard because my family always kept me in a
loop of everything. So transition wasn't too hard. The only thing that was hard was making choices
because there are so many options out here. Like I went to the restaurant and like, there's so many
options on the menu that I didn't even know what to do. I didn't even know what to pick. And I kept
(15:06):
telling myself to just pick me whatever. Like, I don't care. Just pick me anything. But of course,
went with the steak and eggs. The typical meal everyone usually gets when they get out.
Yeah. I remember Michael, his first meal out was hand express and a heineken.
That was the best like taste ever. How was that first meal out for you, man?
(15:32):
First meal was amazing. Nothing can compare to the taste of freedom. I mean,
anything tastes better when you're not in prison. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So one of that inner work talk,
you know, okay, you were able to get out of a life sentence. It feels like, I don't know,
from what it seems like, it seemed like the journey just started here. You got a second chance. But
(15:56):
everything is so different. I read what you sent me. Talk to us about the 12 steps of self-care
and pulse awareness. I thought that was pretty interesting. Yeah. So that's something that the board wanted
to see that, you know, you genuinely made the changes in your life. So I created that 12 step
(16:18):
awareness plan that's different from everyone else. Everyone always did the same type of plan. So
I created something different to deal with my character defects. And so what I did was just put
together things that I felt impacted my life significantly and how I addressed it. It's like,
you know, in daily life, there's always going to be shit in your, it's shit that comes in your way.
(16:41):
A lot of times people are going to act on impulse. And so that's ultimately what led me to prison
acting on my impulses. And so I didn't give myself that little room, the little breather to
think about the whole situation before acting on my choices. So, yeah, that's where that step came
up, like that or the awareness plan. So I created that and implemented my life. And so I think for me,
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what's most important thing is dealing with impulses. Taking that deep breath before you make any
decision, think about all the actions. So all it takes is like 10 seconds. Yeah, you know, I'm dealing
with that too on a different level. I don't, I've been clean for two years and a couple of months,
(17:31):
but similar program, I have character defects. I still act out. You know, I was using drugs because
I was angry, scared, anxious, even like happy. And now that I don't have it, I see come out
in different things. I'm impulse of spending. Maybe I'm eating a lot because I'm so stressed out,
(17:52):
I want to knock out. Maybe because, you know, I'm feeling so like down that I'm just going to take a
long ass nap and, you know, wake up and maybe that problem go away or just procrastination and
everything. Yeah, the impulse, man, it's tough. It's tough for me, man, because I'm so used to
some sort of instant gratification right away. You know, now that the drugs are gone, it's like,
(18:16):
there's different things. But it's like, fuck, man. So that's interesting that, you know, she'll deal
with that. No, like that impulse, man, it's tough. Honestly, I think that it's never going to go away.
It's always going to be there either it's going to be dormant or whatever it is, but one thing they
always said inside was there's no day off in recovery. You know, the moment you slip up, you could
(18:39):
end up making that that poor decision that could result yourself in prison doing life or taking that
hit or whatever it is. No, every day is a cost of struggle, but it's just how you deal with it.
Yeah, I totally agree. Same with my program. I wrote a 12 step program and, you know, that addiction,
(18:59):
it doesn't go away. I still think about getting high to this day. Not so much drinking was never my
thing, but when I'm really stressed out, I'm like, fuck, man, I'm gonna get high right now. But I know it's
going through meanings and through life experiences that, yeah, it'll feel good right now. Like the first hit,
but then like, I feel so guilty. And then I'll spiral, you know, I'll have to start over my recovery,
(19:23):
or probably feel out of shame and guilt. And I'm learning to play that through my head. So it's like,
you know what? I don't need to do that. But, you know, the other impulse is there. But yeah, man,
I mean, I think with your case, it's a little different because certain impulses you might act on,
it can land you back in there. You know, can you talk to us about just like, what do you mean? Like the
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10 second, like the deep breath in 10 seconds, you see a situation. Like, how does that work for you?
So like, say you get an argument with someone, right? A lot of times people are going to act on
the emotions and they're just going to react. But like in that situation, you just take that deep breath.
All it takes like 10 seconds, right? That 10 seconds during that time, you can reflect on everything.
(20:09):
It could be quick. It's in your mind. Like, take that deep breath, like, fuck. But then you play out
the behavioral change situation, like what you discussed earlier, like ABC, like, there's how
feeling what's making me feel this way and what parts know good. Like that, partly, if you give it that
thought real quick, you could ultimately save yourself from a lot of trouble. Yeah. Also, I'm having
(20:35):
a difficult time just sitting with the emotion sometimes. It's so like physical, like that anger
or that stress or anxiety or fear. It's like, fuck, man, I don't want to feel like this. Yeah.
And I want to escape and do other things when I have to learn how to just say with this emotion. Like,
yeah, physically right now, nothing's happening. It's just in my head, but it just feels really real
(20:59):
that our body can't really tell like I could have like a thought from years ago. It was like pretty
horrible. And my body still like is when I think of that thought feels like my body thinks I'm back
there still. Yeah. But I'm not. But it's like, fuck, man, it's just it's overwhelming sometimes.
So I think I think there's still maybe a part in your life that you still haven't fully hills from
(21:24):
yet. You know, you say you have a lot of anger. And ultimately, that's a secondary emotion that's
brought on by something primary. So for me, I had to understand that to get until the underlying
issue is like the iceberg effect, you know, beneath the surface of the iceberg, there's a lot of
shit. Angers just a surface. So once you get to the bottom of the root cause and you know,
(21:49):
it's such a self-free. And that's ultimately what I did in prison. Oh, man. Yeah, dude, it's just,
yeah, man, there's definitely some things unresolved. I'm working on it, you know,
weekly avatariate, I go to 12 step meetings. But yeah, man, no, that's that's true. Like, it's
a secondary thing. It's deeper than that. You know, there's deeper. There's reason why I want to escape
(22:12):
these emotions. But yeah, overall, I just got to learn how to manage it. I mean, I don't think anger
in general is a bad thing. It's just how you act on it. Right. It's human nature. It's okay to feel
angry, but it just depends what you do with that. Yeah, definitely. There's good anger, man. You see
all these sports players out there. No, utilize that anger in a good way and positive way that drives
(22:35):
them. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, going back to what you said, impulse awareness, man, I can definitely
relate to that, man, just because sometimes I see something like situation happens is I should
definitely be mindful of, okay, I can do this. Feel good now. But feel shitty later or feel
or like sit that like ride this feeling out. Feel shitty now and feel better later. Because sometimes
(23:03):
a lot of times even like going back to using back when I was like, fuck, man, I want to get high
tonight. But I know I'll feel shitty. I'm going to regret it. And sometimes when I sleep it off,
I wake up. I'm like, damn, I'm really glad I did not get high. Because yeah, I felt like shit
that night before. I just got a good night's sleep, man. And I feel better. Same with today as anxious,
(23:25):
but got a nap. Oh, fuck, I feel a lot better. You know, but yeah, man, I'm glad you made that self-care
thing for yourself. It helped you ultimately get out of prison. Yeah, that's really powerful. Yeah.
And like healing the inner child. And ever knew about that until like a few years ago, I'm like,
what the hell is that? You know, I'm an adult. But there's definitely like a wounded inner child,
(23:50):
you know, going there before and everything. Yeah. Yeah, man, it's powerful. Like it's
personally. Yeah. Right? No, I'm just saying, regarding that inner child, there's a book called
a House of the Feeling. It's it's fucking amazing, bro. You got to definitely check it out. But it
talks about like how, you know, a lot of times we don't understand our inner child, how we
(24:14):
blamed ourselves for a lot of things. And so ultimately, once you forgive yourself that inner
child that you start to have to understand that was your fault. You start to let go of a lot of
things and you start to heal. Yeah, I like that. You know, there's a step in my program where you,
you ask higher power to help you let go of your character defects or just let go feels good,
(24:38):
man, but sometimes, man, I don't know. Sometimes resentment feels good. I don't know about you,
but fuck, man, I should feel good. And I think that's something I'm mindful of because sometimes,
like holding grudges feels good, but I know in the long run, it's not healthy. But sometimes,
I obsess over like, yeah, fuck you. Fuck that guy. What's that saying? Resembleness is like taking poison
(24:59):
and hoping the other person dies or something like that. Forget it's been years. That's right. No,
that's right. But damn, that'd be cool. They died too. You know, I see them in hell. I'm all the fuck
you know what I'm saying? Shit. But it's like that's a not a really good healthy way to deal with things.
Speaking of which, man, forgiving yourself, how have you taken, what steps have you taken
(25:21):
towards healing and forgiving yourself? For me, it's just like, I really beat myself up for
shit I did. You know, and a lot of times I can forgive other people. I can forgive myself. It's so
easy. Sometimes like when, when people, when my friends time and they fucked up or something,
I'm like, oh, that's all good, man. Yo, there's another day. It's all good, but for some reason, I can't
do that for myself always. And that's the easiest thing is to forgive others.
(25:45):
And, you know, and going back to how, you know, a lot of, I feel a lot of people don't understand
what self forgiveness is. So they, they tend to find it very hard to forgive themselves because
they always think that what is there to forgive myself for? Well, ultimately, it's, it's, it's,
an issue that's very hard to deal with because not a lot of people understand it. So of course,
(26:10):
forgiving others, it's, it's easy. Sure, I could forgive anyone, but forgive myself, hell,
what the fuck is that? You don't have a full understanding of it. Like, what's the need to
forgive myself? And ultimately, for me, what it was was, you know, I blame myself for a lot of things,
(26:33):
like, why my parents didn't love me, why my parents wasn't there for me, but I start to understand how
they raised me the best way they knew how. And the way they're raising me, just because they think
it's right doesn't mean it's always right. And it wasn't what I was needing. So I blame myself for a lot
of things growing up. So I ended up forgiving myself for blaming them that I ended up the way I did.
(26:59):
But ultimately, everything fell on myself because I made those decisions. And so one, once I start
to realize I made my own choices that I fucked up, not them, they raised me the best way they knew.
So I can't blame them, the only person I have to blame is myself. So once I start to understand that,
(27:21):
I was able to forgive myself for all the wrong doings I did, all the fuck ups, all my feelings that I felt,
I start to address them. And so after that, forgiveness, self forgiveness was easy.
I became second nature. Because ultimately we need to forgive ourselves for a lot of things growing up.
(27:42):
Yeah, now 100% man, I mean, my family raised, my parents raised me the best they could. I don't
hold resentment so much in the past I did. But it's like they were young. They were like late teenagers
early adults when they had me. I can't imagine how I'd be a parent at their age. When I got,
(28:06):
when I got their age, I'm like damn, and they were able to raise me. So there was that. And with what I
did in my past is usually imparting, yeah, definitely was on me. Nobody told me, hey, nobody
forced me to get high. I was my choice. And I accept that now. And it's okay. That's life.
(28:28):
One, I'm glad to be alive. I didn't overdose or anything. That's like a really big thing to walk out of it.
And two, I kind of learned some things out of it as well. I learned empathy, I learned compassion.
But yeah, I like what you said, what are we going to forget? What are we forgiving ourselves for?
You know, for me, a lot of times it's like, I feel like I shouldn't be making these mistakes. But I do.
(28:53):
I know it's probably a lot deeper than that. Yeah, it goes back to being your child.
You have to start understanding, you know, what led you to become the person you became.
Like for me, I did an introspection and I delve deep into my past of my first trauma. I wrote it down and
(29:13):
broke it down by age. I wrote down how it felt. What made me feel this way. And that's how I started
healing that in the trial is just having to understand him doing that introspection.
Right. Yeah. That's tough. Man, it's not easy. Yeah. No, 100% man. I can definitely do that again.
I remember I did that before, like a four step in my program where I wrote out things that like
(29:40):
what everybody did, how people wronged me. Even like from where I can remember. And I think for
me, it was a lot of it was like, you know, when that happened, I felt like less than I felt like
guilty, even of things I wasn't guilty of. Now I was a kid. I didn't know you better. But yeah,
(30:02):
not as that's deep, man. I can definitely do that again. And it's tough. Like you said, when I
when I wrote that list of people who wronged me what they did, it was difficult, man. I didn't want to
do that. You know, it's just like to look back. These are all the things that you repressed. These are
all the things for me personally that I, this is the reason why I got high. So I don't have to remember
(30:22):
these things. But in doing so, I remember feeling a little more free and a little like that weight
kind of lifted off my shoulders, you know, you know, definitely. What was that book again?
House is a healing. House is appealing. Yeah, because it's a trip, man. Like a lot of us in our
(30:44):
adulthood, we run around like, we feel like we're grown, but there's definitely like a wounded
child for many of us. Yeah, we have to address. Like I do feel like a lot of the trauma we experience as
a kid. We, we, we man it like we manifest it manifests into adulthood and different things from
use to option. Definitely. And it's tough. I feel like with Asian households, I don't think
(31:09):
it's normalized. A lot of them say, I love you where they show care like the Western parents do.
So when I see that, like he said, when you see that difference, it's like, oh, how come they're not
caring for me? Kind of. It's definitely a challenge. Yeah. And we didn't understand the best way they
they showed love was providing food and roof over her head and make sure we was always
standing closed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. 100%. Man. Um, shit, man, I think that's, that's about it.
(31:37):
Dude, thank you for sharing your story, man. Um, I really wanted to focus on like the self-care and
and then and then post of awareness. And I think that's big, dude. I think that's something everybody
can relate with and, you know, forgiving yourself of moving on. I think for me, I just try to make
a man and try to be a better person. You know, there's some, there's some things where it's like,
(31:59):
you know, like I can't, you know, things have happened already. It's like, what can I do? I feel like
sometimes saying sorry to other people. Like I fucked up with them so much. It's like, that's not
going to do anything. It's about the actions to behavior. Yeah. You go and you say sorry so many times
before it doesn't even mean shit anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Man, or just like living a man that's like,
(32:22):
yeah, you know, I fucked up or sometimes for me, like my, my sponsor says that some people
haven't seen in a long time years, you fucked over them over. Like sometimes you might hurt them
just to if you pop back into the lives. Yeah. I'm sorry for so and so. Sometimes it's not
recommend you do that. Sometimes you just gotta like, all right, I fucked up with this person
with this character defect. Let me try to minimize this character defect. I'm moving forward, you know.
(32:47):
Yeah. It's definitely, you know, your sponsor is right not to, you know, reach out because
ultimately for me, what I've learned is that, you know, making a man's, you could just simply write a
letter and you don't even have to give it to them. Just write it down on a letter expressing how you
feel saying you're sorry, everything, explain your actions and just burn it. Just throw it away, rip it
(33:11):
up and you did it though. Yeah. No, I could definitely write more of those letters, like
refreshing looking back like, damn, I can write a full length letter. But yo, man, thank you for
sharing your story, man. Again, I had no idea you went through what you did until like a few years
ago. And I've always wanted to get you on your on the podcast to talk about this. And I think it's
(33:32):
really powerful. I'm proud of you, man. Like you shit dude. Like, you know, I don't know the rates.
The people like going to prison and come going going going in and out. I don't forget that term. But
like, when people got a prison, there's usually a high chance they might come back. Yeah, rescindes them.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really difficult. I know like the system definitely has barriers. It's a lot
(33:52):
different, really difficult. But I'm really glad that you're able to make it out and make
something of yourself, man. Appreciate it, man. Appreciate it. Thank you for having me. No problem, man.
Well, thank you so much. Have a good one.
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