Resilience in Recovery: Parenthood & the Path Forward Ft. Yessica (2023)

In this conversation, Von and Yessica discuss their personal journeys through addiction and recovery. They share their experiences with substance use, the challenges they faced, and the turning points that led them to seek help. The discussion highlights the importance of community, self-awareness, and the ongoing process of recovery, especially in the context of new parenthood. They emphasize the need for support and the value of sharing their stories to help others who may be struggling with similar issues.

Released April 18, 2023

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Chapters 
(00:00) Journey to Sobriety: A Shared Experience
(03:27) The Impact of Addiction on Daily Life 
(06:12) First Encounters with Substances
(09:35) The College Experience and Substance Use
(12:22) Recognizing the Signs of Addiction
(15:36) The Creative High: Art and Substance Abuse
(18:30) The Vicious Cycle of Substance Use
(21:34) Confronting the Reality of Addiction
(24:22) The Role of Environment in Addiction
(27:15) The Struggle for Authenticity
(30:17) Living a Double Life
(33:12) Finding Hope in Recovery
(37:38) Reflections on Addiction and Relationships
(40:37) The Journey to Sobriety
(47:43) Navigating Parenthood in Recovery
(56:21) Coping with Cravings and Triggers
(01:03:49) Encouragement for Those Considering Sobriety

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey there! My name is Vaughn and this is the Vaughncast Show. This is a podcast that focuses on

(00:08):
meant to help breaking societal stigmas, harm reduction, addiction and recovery. If you like what
you hear, subscribe and leave a review on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Also, follow the podcast
Instagram @thevoncastshow where I post video content from the show. All right, let's get into

(00:33):
today's episode. Welcome to the Vaughncast Show. Today, I got somebody I've known you know,
and we ran through similar circles, you know, a few years ago. And yeah, I, in long story short,
I didn't realize that we had issues or she had issues with drug and alcohol and I have issues
drug and alcohol. And here we are now at 2023. We're both clean. How's it going today?

(00:59):
Honestly, today is going really well. Yeah, I, I think you heard that intro for sure. I, I have
seen you in the same circles during my active addiction and I didn't know it's been that I was
an addict, you know, and now I am in recovery and I feel great. I feel very renewed. You know,

(01:28):
life still happens. It still happens, but I'm sober and that's no matter. Right. I'm sorry. I
totally forgot to mention. Okay. Yesica, how's it going? That's your name? Yesica?
Yesica. I don't know why I forgot just, you know, yesica, aka retired stoner girl.

(01:48):
Yeah. Yeah. So again, congratulations on staying clean. You know what the time I, I don't,
at the time on our circle around that time, I think I was clean, but I was just white and
nuckling it. But for me, what stopped that, I, what happened? I went to a dentist appointment and I got,

(02:13):
I got the wisdom tooth removed and it was a, I got the laughing gas and I was, oh, shit, I'm going
all out now, you know? Yeah. So, okay, how long have you been clean or sober? Do you, which one do you
prefer clean or sober? I just, yeah, I'm sober. Okay. I haven't actually used the word clean,

(02:39):
because I think like I'm still cleansing at the moment from, you know, other things too. Like,
obviously you stuff one addiction and then they kind of trickle down to other things. So then,
I'm still, I'm still learning like now that I stopped, you know, getting high, drinking,
doing psychedelics. I now realize, you know, I have a little problem with the social media and I have

(03:06):
a little problem like, like, like shopping, you know? It doesn't, like, end up like trickling down
to other things, but I'm way more aware of it now because I'm sober and I don't have other things
to like numb it. But, yeah, I have, on May 1st, I will be two years sober. And, yeah,

(03:29):
I'll be sober from like, from everything, right? You know, we alcohol, psychedelics.
Okay. Congratulations. Two years is an amazing accomplishment and I agree with what you're saying too,

(03:49):
with, you know, how, yeah, I might be, I stopped with active addiction, but yeah, social media is
definitely an issue for me. I have to just might be mindful like when I wake up, I can't go on it
right away. It's if I see something that upsets me, it ruins my morning. And just other things like food,

(04:12):
like, okay, I'm, you know, I'm like, I get a bunch of cheese at night sometimes, eat a bunch of
cheese. And I realize I'm not even hungry like, or like a kind of ice cream in one sitting. I'm like,
I'm not even hungry, but I'm doing a, you know, like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I used to blame it on,

(04:34):
you know, I'll tell more about the story as I go along. I used to blame it on like, I was pregnant at
the time when I was like, first sitting sober. So I used to blame it like on cravings. I'm like,
yeah, cravings like, that's why I'm eating at like 1 a.m. You know, or like, that's why I'm eating all this

(04:55):
junk food. But again, they were just excuses. Right. Oh, yeah. So share with us like the first time,
what you can remember, were you either drink or smoke and how do they make you feel?
I remember two, two really big events. So one, I grew up next, well, I am Mexican. My heritage is

(05:25):
Mexican descent. And I, for my kids in Yada, I ended up going to Mexico and celebrating my
kids in Yada out there. And my father actually, my biological father was able to come and celebrate
it with me and he ended up giving me my drink. Like, you know, like, like a beer, you know, go to a

(05:49):
nap, that's like, that's the infamous drink with Mexicans, that's like the go-to. And I felt
expected. I felt mean, I felt like, oh, now you're part of this culture that I just cut, you know,
my skin is wider. So I've always been, and I'm first generation as well. So I've always been kind

(06:15):
of in that gray area between like, am I Mexican enough and am I not? So it was a way for me to like
sit in and I just felt mean. So that was like the first time I can really remember that I felt
good having the drink. It on to a piece of like shit. I don't like beer. I never like beer. I never
fully like drinking. It tastes the drinking. I've always went with like the sour or the sweet drink,

(06:39):
the prettier ones, but I love the effect. I love how it makes me feel. I love how bubbly it gets me,
like very careless. So I was one instance and then another one was actually literally like two
months, a month later actually from I came to get I came back home to the States and

(07:02):
I got invited to a party and everybody was drinking at the party. Everybody started smoking as well.
And that was actually my first time really trying weed and I remember like not liking it,
but I was already, I'm never getting cross-dated and I just got so drunk and I actually had to get

(07:28):
picked up and from that from that moment it was just I should have known at that moment that I didn't
the alcohol was informed me. That weed wasn't informed me, but again I wanted to be proud of the
crowd and you know just sit in and I ended up going up in my month car. I ended up, it was just a big

(07:52):
scandal that day and I actually did not stop. That was just the beginning and from there on I just
it didn't get worse right away. It just got worse progressively as the years went on.
Yeah that was so there are two very big moments that I remember.

(08:13):
Okay yeah you know I can relate with the drinking like with family the first time I drink
with his family. Actually my uncle offered me to drink. Yeah for me to drink. I was underage, my
mom was tripping. She's like he's like he made a good point I think in hindsight. He's like you know
like he's gonna end up drinking. Might go learn teach him how to drink. Yeah it was corona

(08:37):
and I didn't like it was weird at the time I was like this is kind of weird I feel like out of
control like I couldn't control myself but I didn't start drinking more until like college and I
think for me was social anxiety. I moved from the bay and I came out to to the valley and I'm

(09:01):
surrounded by a bunch of these you people I don't know and for me alcohol was a way to I guess at
least I'd fit in and just relax because I yeah you know I wanted to fit in and be cool and it
just seemed like the normal thing right I mean yeah it would culture like I mean you know how movies

(09:22):
and media portrayed colleges is big you know yeah you do school but the party side of drinking and
having fun that seemed like it was a rights of passage so it's unacceptable but for me like you
know I I blocked out a lot drinking throughout the years I didn't realize to those maybe like
27 that are an issue you know um drinking yeah maybe feel cool calm but yeah it it definitely uh

(09:49):
I definitely like I don't know I can't remember so much of those party nights and everything because
of drinking you know yeah and for me yeah I never I never really okay I kept smoking it but I never
got into I kept giggling and laughing and like in a paranoid and I realized that wasn't my thing yeah

(10:10):
yeah yeah yeah wow yeah thank you for talking about the college experience because you know like
I said later on you know years later that's when I was very realizing that's when I did she just
got progressive and it was during college as well um there's a huge like culture in college where

(10:32):
that's just what it is like drinking, trying whatever you want to try going out you know just the
voice really trash you have the finals or you know midterms like all that and then you're a bunch of
you're with a bunch of other people that say in age as well who is like your first time like being
out of your house you know so there's so much freedom that comes with it but there's no actual

(10:57):
derraction and I just I remember that I remember being like hell yeah I'm out of my house like you
know I'm in a new fainting come in a new city like it's just it was just free I felt so free you
know but I would didn't realize like how damaging a lot of actions were to my to my not just my

(11:21):
body but my soul yeah and um I remember when I was like you know 15 my when that incident happened
where I like the mental question she was very she was on top of things she actually ended up taking me
to a addiction counselor and the addiction counselor you know asking the question and I was just so

(11:48):
like blown away because I was like what are you asking the she her main questions were like do you
wake and bake and I was like what is that I'm just what is that and this is like you know like when
you wake up in the morning you first thing you do do you do you smoke you know do you like smoke
leaves you go or you know eat an edible and I'm like no oh how much do you buy I'm like nothing

(12:12):
like I don't I don't I don't buy it and it's like what do you own a pipe you own a bond do you own
all these two asking all these questions and I was overwhelmed at the moment and I was like no no no no
and she said okay so it's just like the first time I'm sitting in and I was like yeah my mom's tripping
you know they're just tripping you know and but my mom was more upset that I actually

(12:35):
smoked and I was drinking so but I'm glad she did that for me because then those were the the
signs that later on I started realizing like oh shit I am waking and baking you know like
I and I do have a bond I do have a pipe I have one in my car then I have one in my bathroom

(12:57):
you know like I am spending all my money you know on wheat or alcohol like I am smoking alone
or I'm smoking everybody out or I'm buying drinks for everybody or no I'm just buying a bottle for
myself so it was because of that moment when I was 15 talking to that counselor made me realize

(13:20):
I started at a conversation in my mind that I might have a problem you know I still wasn't sure
of it because again I was so I graduated college you know like I still had a car I still had like
my family like I didn't you know like the stereotypical like addict you know homeless you know

(13:41):
just hasn't can't work or doesn't work you know is that or do you why like that or we have that
was it my story so it wasn't part of my story but and I think that's what that maybe that's why
people don't feel like they have a problem with substances because they're not there yet you know

(14:04):
and that's what they yet because they might get this you know so yeah I mean I definitely relate
to that because I don't know I don't think everyone is an addict so when I saw my friends drinking
or parting I was like well they don't have a problem so neither do I we're like you the same things
I didn't realize it was a lot deeper than that you know like they can do it I can do it you know I

(14:28):
told that lie to myself for years well you know they can party and they can drink and whatever but
they're able to stop and I did a little bit here and there but like you said I myself I was
able to hold a job go to school get a degree this seemed like a reward for me it's like hey I'm
not one of those I'm a high functioning addict or how you know I can function parting like there's

(14:56):
isn't there's an everybody do this and then learning looking back it's like no no and not everybody does
this and it doesn't always like turn out how you want it to turn out yeah yeah yeah I think I I love
your um I think you know the question here is like you know did you feel like you were more creative

(15:18):
or better functioning and in the start well with drinking I was already a dancer I was already
dancing in like high school so I've been dancing so that was small but I really got into it in high
school and I was already a very like you know free spirited person so then drinking just kind of you

(15:43):
know elevated that for me and weed once I go into college really helped again like melamine down
I thought like okay I'm so dressed out from all these essays and projects I need to do so let me just
you know calm down and I got way more creative so I I just put myself in those spaces and that's

(16:06):
actually how I met you you know like I you know these spaces like I would just get high and just be
creative and I'm for the for the beginning I loved it but I just every single time I I wanted to
be creative but I had to get high like I had to be high whether I was dancing making our
writing like in a just I was just so consumed by it because I ended up like if I'm not smoking then

(16:33):
I'm not creative enough you know and then me being an artist there's this whole thing too in the
art world like you know drugs make really good art I can't help like everybody like love to look
at art when they're high or doing ticket dollars so that was my concept at the time and I just felt
like I was a better artist and person when I was high I didn't I wasn't secure enough in my silver

(17:00):
cell and that's why like in the beginning I was very high functioning for sure for sure until I
wasn't yeah until I truly was not now same here I like what you said about you're comfortable in
your own skin being sober that was for me too you know with like creating and stuff sometimes it was like

(17:21):
I needed to get high to create but then sometimes I feel like you know when I couldn't create
I had to get high and sometimes I get high because I couldn't create it was just this vicious cycle
and and also too yeah there's definitely in this stigma we're like yeah you have to like

(17:41):
get high to like you know make good art and stuff I personally I think you know what drugs
alcohol can do for a person it makes them less it makes it it quite set that voice in the back of
their head I think you can't do it it gives them confidence or just the ability it gives them
the permission to to do what they want to do without insecurity you know yeah and like you said

(18:10):
drugs not called tend to be a chemical thing so once you start using it it like your brain wants to
use it again because it feels good so this is again a vicious cycle where I one laid down the road
you you probably can't function creatively or in general without using yeah yeah definitely my mind

(18:34):
my mind and my body loved it you know loved feeling like I say it was that I don't give a fuck
moment you know that's what I say is like I don't give a fuck and when I'm high when I'm tried
you really don't give a fuck and I think you know being in the room that people are like the moment

(18:56):
you start telling yourself that you don't care you know that's that's scary moment that's scary moment
that's when you got to like you got to you know come back and do a okay note because you have to
care you have to care you have to care not only about yourself but about what you're doing to other
people what are you putting up in the world and yeah I think I think we don't want to care in this

(19:21):
sense like you're talking about we don't want that inner voice that inner critic to be like now
that's not good enough or no no let's you know and you're right getting high and drinking
would just quiet that just quiet it enough for me to just like just vomit like
basically and emotionally just like vomit you know whether like that's art or you know just

(19:44):
going out and like just being like again free and not caring um it's interesting to just
see that and then realize now like being sober like what is my trait like what makes me great
and allowing myself to just feel that and just roll with the what you go with the road coaster you know

(20:11):
so um I don't in the moment getting high it's just in the moment getting high it's just in the moment
and then everything comes back ten times worse all the feelings just like hit me harder right after
I agree you know I always thought drugs were my solution of problems but when I would come down

(20:33):
yeah my problems come back and due to the anxiety and all that stuff and not sleeping or whatever
the was the physical withdrawal that's there too so I made the problem a lot worse and I wanted to
always go back to that place right what I'm quote didn't care and I think I think for me to

(20:54):
didn't care didn't give a fuck was just like you know I don't want to let life phase me you know I
don't like to get angry so I would take drugs to mellow me out to feel happy you know I didn't like
anger yeah I always thought it's a negative thing and you know it's okay to feel angry but I think
it's when you take action towards it when a need of light that's when it's bad um you want to

(21:15):
forget stuff and whatnot you know I totally get it you know um like I said writing a rollercoaster
thing it's tough even you know it's six months in you know I still have issues like
dealing with stress and everything but I just know you know drink you know getting high isn't
the best solution it's not a solution it makes it worse yeah yeah wow

(21:44):
so many good things and in the sense of like so many good you know areas to talk about um I'm looking
on here yeah because we're pretty much seeing all these things but like so I'm like seven eight nine
okay so was when did you realize like you said in the beginning you're a cool you're functioning

(22:07):
like what were some signs when you realized that you know you were definitely just
you weren't getting high to get high anymore essentially you're getting high to function
when did you realize like what point in your life did you realize that that was becoming an issue
um

(22:33):
I want to say when I started to commute to college where I I ended up moving that
close where I was in the city of Santa Paula and I had to commute to see Sun and that was
out of giving me a four times yeah four four days a week and my commute was probably like an hour

(23:00):
and some change depending on traffic and
dispulsion and just to get up and have energy like I would just get high and um honestly I
were able to have a scholarship money and again being first generation and just having that

(23:22):
amount of money and I think the town was like an ego booster like my ego was so like all right I'm
good like I don't need nobody I'm good you know I could do this on my own so I was very hyper
independent as well which I think our generation is super hyper independent and it's not necessarily a

(23:44):
good thing because again it's an ego booster so I will kept going commuting to school and as I was
going to school I was literally getting high on the road and my commute wasn't like a freeway
commute all the time I had to go through mountains and like dirt roads like it was like a

(24:05):
it was pretty cool I won't lie because it just felt very like I'm out kind of like traveling
or something but I made it I had to make it a journey because I was so tired I was so exhausted
from commuting so tired of like just school honestly I was very close to dropping out because I

(24:28):
I just didn't want to do it anymore I was but it was also because I was getting high all the time
like there was never a moment that I wasn't getting high once I got to school I went to class I got out
I got high went to my next class or at school or at school I got the cravings when the bouquet
high again every time I had to eat before I ate because my mind was like oh my god keep taste that is

(24:54):
new so I ended up you know smoking before I ate and then I smoked out here so it was those moments
where I started realizing okay I'm not giving myself a break my face was breaking out constantly I

(25:14):
was part of me wasn't really eating to be honest because I was saving my money but I had money to eat
but I just didn't want to I had enough money to go out and get more more weed or go out and party more
so it was to again to be stressed that's when I started really realizing I was having a problem

(25:42):
because I wasn't dealing with my actual feelings and the issues that were coming up like I was
whether I was like getting an argument with somebody sort of think into I didn't like
feeling angry at it my concentration so instead I I kept it inside but then

(26:04):
I would just kept harming myself through drugs and alcohol so if I didn't let it out and that's
in the positive way in the right way then I was self-harming myself and that's the
self-harming like you keeping it inside and using stuff to deal with emotions with the type of self-harming.
I agree I mean I definitely relate so I maybe just think of something maybe I think something

(26:30):
in my childhood where I was in a lot of talk back you know that was you know disrespectful so maybe
that was like okay I'm not gonna you know I'm gonna keep it in I don't know I just I just made
the connection now that could possibly be a thing and also too I'm not very confrontational I just
know that sometimes like confrontations it tend to get out of hand so what I would do is okay

(26:51):
I'm gonna keep it cool yeah I don't think I I'd to rare that I said some things to people that I
regretted well I actually don't remember because I was drunk a lot but when I didn't drink as much
you just got high a lot I remember I was very mindful what I said and stuff and a lot of time
I didn't say anything you know and I kept it to myself I remember sometimes you know when I'd have

(27:15):
issue when I when my friend stopped being friends with me because her boyfriend made her I was super
depressed and I was just like I would just drink and get high like it you know in my room a lot
you know I'm just to mask that and I you know I don't know but um yeah it was tough and also

(27:35):
yeah I noticed sometimes when I would it was the interest it's interesting I looking back like
sometimes I would get high I smoked dope and then I would feel good but then I would get paranoid
from smoking dope so I'm okay I have to go to class in like 30 minutes I don't I don't live too far away
let me get high again you know so I can function in class and then I'm feeling parent I can't

(27:57):
wait to come home and get high again and it was just like repeated cycle for you know here's up
in downs sometimes more or less but it sometimes it became like okay I'm so paranoid I can't walk out
to my door I gotta like get high and that's I didn't even realize like that was an issue I was like
this is part of it but then looking back now that was definitely an issue but again like you said

(28:21):
before I didn't see myself as those types of addicts you know when I realized yeah we have the
fan feeling you know what they say it's like it's not how much you are smoking or how much you
are drinking it's like how you're feeling how are you feeling when you're when you're doing those

(28:44):
things so wow yeah yeah there's obviously going to be for an attempt of like a lot of a lot of
childhood things yeah a lot of childhood memories come up and I I did not know how to deal with it
so sure my I grew up in a in a home with you know my mom was a single mother and you know she

(29:13):
felt like she had to be the mother and the father so there was a lot of um
affection there was just a lot of stress and a lot of worry about money and worry about food worry
about um just a lot of worry it was very a lot of anxiety um and I used to blame my mom a lot

(29:40):
and my father a lot I used to point the finger at them to be like I am the way I am this is the
y'all like you know why I said I have a better life and those are really big reasons why I was
smoked because I was over there resentful and I didn't know how to talk about it or you or when I did

(30:01):
it didn't go well you did not go well what do I because I didn't have the tool but it I had the
tools to self-do that and have the tools to like you know say no and be like you know well we're
gonna stop the conversation here or like you know um my mom didn't really want to have conversations
with me because she knew I was high like she would ignore me sometimes because she was just like

(30:24):
your high I don't want I don't want to talk to you so she wouldn't she didn't kick me out but she
was like I don't want to be around you because I don't feel like you're you when you're high
and I'm just like and instead of taking it as a sign like okay maybe I should stop I was like
fuck you then you know like you should get high too you know like you're off just out you know maybe

(30:48):
you wouldn't be so just out you know you smoke some weed um but that that was me I was very much like
everybody should get high like everyone needs to chill the fuck down yeah but that's not true
and like people do need a chill but find good ways I don't know I mean I'm I'm off if people want

(31:09):
to drinking get high it's cool like I I some I don't envy it as much anymore but I used to envy
like how come how come people can drink and get high and be responsible but I can't I used to
envy that but now it's like I'm accepting of it I'm accepted that it is what it is like I can't
oh yeah you know like I can't I'm not one of those people that can you know party on the weekend

(31:30):
and maintain like physically and mentally you know I was keep going you know yeah yeah just
had stopped when I ran my money or like I really needed to stop but then you know three days on the
road okay you know something some small thing would would trigger me to to use whether it be like
I thought in my head or something at work and then I look forward to that day being over like

(31:56):
I admit it would make me feel the anticipation made me feel a lot better you know like oh I can't
wait you know like a few more hours left I'm gonna I'm gonna do really good at work as a waiter
over myself down the road it was a really really like dopamine or resistance it's kind of just
yeah yeah oh my god yeah yeah oh my god yes oh my god yes I'm just laughing because I can

(32:25):
just relate to like all of it yeah you know like it's getting high with a reward but it was also like
it's you know a soothing a soothing like I remember when I I was younger I used to
you know top artists that's my thumb like that was like and have a blanket that was like my coping

(32:47):
so you know now if that was my coping like at the time it was weed and smoking like for any
thing anything inside a negative thought that I didn't want to have I didn't know how to get rid of it
smoked I had a intense conversation with somebody I had to smoke class went really well or went

(33:10):
really bad I had to smoke like in any moment I was just like I just have to get high to like
high-end experience or to like help myself calm down from the experience and then just it was never
I mean it was never I'm being and um yeah I I just I didn't think I just didn't think I had a problem

(33:36):
at the time I didn't I didn't see it I didn't see it until I the moments the true moment I realized I
was I was already having I could I could stop for like maybe a week and then I go back at it like

(33:56):
you're saying I didn't have money in the moment I I was able to find some way to have money there I
was the first thing I was gonna do is gonna go buy some weed go get a a wine bottle um I ended up
moving to during the pandemic I think I think the pandemic really hit on like mental health because

(34:20):
everybody was freaking the fuck out at least in my eyes everybody was freaking out because it was
an experience like where like we were we came to our house we were better wear masks like wait what
our whole world went you know 180 so I did not know how to deal with that anxiety at all so my coping was

(34:40):
my coping was um I had a lease I had to get out I had to really get out and I ended up moving to Utah
and Utah wasn't as strict as California during the time people were still out so I was over there
um I have my my biological father out there and I thought it would be a new environment and

(35:04):
the experience something new for me where I see poplish wars and find a better job but it was the
same thing I know I took myself from one situation to another but I'm still the alcoholic I'm still
the addict and I would feel um inviting that type of energy so right away I I found people who were

(35:31):
dealing I found people who were in the sex industry like I was out I was out in a bow just like
running wild again um in a new city yeah and um my problems were still the same if anything they
were getting worse um my father did give me the ultimatum like they you know like I've been helping

(35:57):
you stay at my house but I need you to leave now because I don't like I don't like seeing what you're
doing so I took it to heart and I was like all right peace out I'm leaving I'm going back to California
again instead of thinking about it as an opportunity to get sober I said I'm not getting sober I'm

(36:20):
dipping so I came back to California and my mom for the situation was not the best either I had to
for a couple months I was sleeping on the floor and I think that's when it started really hitting me
the moment I started sleeping on the floor the moment I started to have trouble finding the job

(36:41):
because I knew that I wanted to find a job where I could still get high I'm like I want I need a job
that's on our job test meet because I still want to get high um so it was I had I was limited my mind
was so limited because I was still getting high and still drinking and I started working with kids

(37:06):
and I just felt like shit because I'm like how can I be working with kids when I'm
over here getting high how can I be a real model to be scared when I'm over here getting high you know
like in my break I'm getting high before I come in I'm getting high like I just didn't feel like
I was being off-line today I felt like I was living a double life and um best to tell it was it was

(37:30):
I think I was like living multiple lives because I needed one professional one one with my family
one with my friends like it's just divided and I know how to handle that and I kept going back to
Lee's and alcohol and um yeah I you know I had a partner and um we were both an active addiction

(38:00):
and the moment I moved in with them I I would see how much they were smoking and I started judging them
I said judging them I was like damn they smoke a lot oh damn they're doing you know but who I
realized your partner is a very huge reflection of who you are and where you are at in your life

(38:23):
so I started thinking like okay if he is drinking smoking and I'm having an issue with that then maybe
I'm the one that has an issue with that you know maybe I'm a point of finger back at myself and um
I didn't know how to deal with that that that realization so again I just kept doing the same thing

(38:49):
and I sadly ended up um cheating on that partner and that was actually my way of cause
because a moment that I cheated I was like I'm just like my father the person that I said I never
wanted to be like I am I'm literally him just in a female body and yeah may first I

(39:18):
didn't drink didn't smoke and that's the day I decided and the way I got sober and
stayed and had been things over till this day is through a three program of recovery um I reached out
to a friend who then directed me to a woman who isn't recovering and on May 15th she I went to my first

(39:47):
meeting right and you know she told me right away like hey don't look at the differences because
the similarity you know like these people they look different than you but addiction doesn't
discriminate right addiction
comes to those who are wealthy who are poor who are black who are white like it just it comes for us

(40:12):
then it comes for us you know it's the ones to kill us so the moment I walked in I was like oh yeah
I needed I need to keep telling that for sure this is this is what I've been
meeting in my life and I haven't stopped standing um what happened after that I was doing really well

(40:41):
three three weeks into it and then that's when I found out it was pregnant and um yeah I was a very big
big thing in my life I was not sure what to do um
I had I have had an abortion probably like two years prior and it was it it it

(41:07):
truly destroyed me and it made me go back to smoking and drinking even more and um I wasn't sure
if that's what I wanted this time and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to be a parent you know like
I knew I wasn't addict and I'm like deal I'm I'm broke I'm trying to repair the pieces of my life

(41:28):
right now and then to add on the child to that I'm not so sure you know I'm not so sure and
through a lot of praying through a lot of reaching out to people and to the father of the child
we are here today together as thank you yeah it's a lot of work yeah no it's not it's a lot of

(41:54):
work for sure a lot of work but you know my partner is also sober um you know he's diving into the
program and we know that if it wasn't for our sobriety he would not be will we always know
100% um congratulations again on you know me and staying clean you know you know you now you have

(42:19):
another reason to do for it is your kid um I can relate to the part where uh you know this program
was the first last thing I tried for a signal worked you know I tried therapy it was cool but
it cost money and I'd rather get high and yeah I tried a lot of self-help stuff but I realized

(42:40):
I didn't get into my head that this disease is an addiction I married a bunch of books on
willpower and stuff but I realized yo addiction is not a willpower thing you know I tried so hard
like so many times like okay I'm not gonna get high this week or today but throughout the day
that willpower would slowly erode because of what I would say in my head or things that would happen

(43:05):
out of work you know I was working my previous job was very stressful and um you know by the end
of the day I'm like fuck it you know like so I don't think it's overpower and I knew it was bad but
I couldn't stop you know um I think for me my when I realized I had a problem was um last time I

(43:25):
picked up was a October 9th or something and it was I had a weird feeling because there was
miscommunication my clothes come into my house I went to her house and when I got there I'm like yo
I'm outside oh you're there I'm half of your house so we met up in this area in Van Ayes and um it
was a very kind of sketchy area you know I was like this is kind of sketchy and even once you got

(43:49):
there she's like look out for the cop I didn't look out for the cops I didn't care and um you know
saw people on the street like shooting up and stuff which again not judging I was like well it's just
what it's coming to or like I don't care anymore like you said earlier I didn't care if you know I get
fired from work I didn't care if I would you know not be able to pay rent it's just this thing
consumed me and when I when I got clean when I came down I'm like okay this is a problem I need to

(44:16):
get ahead of it because I'm 35 man I've been doing this since I was like 18 you know I thought that
maybe you know like with you know okay I grew up a lot of people in the party but that that like
faded away over time they grew up they they're like all right I'm over that phase I never got over it
I was but I got really good at hiding it I got so good even when I told people I got clean on like wait

(44:42):
you have a problem like yeah I know idea I'm like that's good I'm glad I was able to kind of like
I'm a fly dude but yeah I have an issue you know I stopped drinking so much at 27 because I realized
it's not my thing but what such a tutor did it was like hard drugs I want to double down on it you
know like because you can't smell on your breath and everything but yeah I went to NA meetings and

(45:05):
like you said there's a lot of people there typically older that totally different views and every
aspect but I connect with them with the fact that we're addicts I don't enjoy just much you know
now they're like you know different views whether political or belidges I'm more empathetic I mean
not agree but I'm all right cool that's your view but we're here you know we're here because

(45:28):
radics and I feel for these people you know they're good they're good people you know yeah and yeah
I've been clean like six months and some change about in a week yeah I love that
congratulations because it's not easy it's not easy to you know like be very social wear and

(45:55):
back into the room and date it you know um whether you're not you know we both relapse like at least
we know we have someone to go you know and we have it's just part of our story it's just another
chapter in our storybook and I'm just I love hearing I just love hearing that I love hearing when you

(46:22):
when you express like the empathy part of it like that's a feeling and that's a true feeling that
we try to know I am besides so much for people when I was using then I didn't want to
because I didn't know how to not take that with me because I was a very I emphasize heavily and then

(46:45):
now I'm able to put those boundaries up and be like okay cool I can accept your story
but I don't have to take it with me you know I don't have to be like damn like you know because I
would try to fix things try to fix everybody in the problem and now I'm like okay I'm just going to
play for you hopefully I see you next time you come back like you know I'm here if you need anything

(47:10):
if you just want to talk so just just being that outlet for somebody in a good way a positive way
where it's not detrimental to my own sobriety is awesome and so thank you thank you thank you
yo so they've read answers um so all right so we're getting sober I obviously you know you gotta

(47:38):
stay clean when you have when you're pregnant so when you when you when you had your kid
what was it like difficult adjusting you know because for years you lived you you used drugs
in alcohol is the way that cope in no one real life talk to us about you know how it was to live

(48:00):
a new lifestyle what were the challenges for you well everything was challenging um I was you know
on studying the program when I was probably like we knew like three four months pregnant and I had

(48:24):
this idea that I would finish the program by the time I gave birth I'm still doing the set
I'm still in my set words for this day and I love it that way you know I really love it that
way because it's on pressure and I'm learning as life is handling these different situations

(48:47):
and it's you know it's just going but I was very scared of real acting when my baby came into
this world because I would hear things like you know like moms were moms and recovery were like I

(49:09):
would able to stay clean during pregnancy so once my baby got here the stress just was so much
that I relapsed right and then I would hear oh no I didn't care when I was pregnant I saw you
oh when my baby got here though I got I sobered up so I heard so many stories and I was like I don't

(49:30):
I don't know which one will be mine but I just have to have space in my own journey because not only
was I becoming a new parent but I was also in a relationship and one month into getting birth I
ended getting a job and so we had to move into our new place though good things were happening

(49:52):
there were just brand new and they were pretty heavy you know like having a whole child
you know not really squeezing all the way through and then you know it was also breastfeeding so
giving my body sharing my body with another like human being was also very different because
I had a problem with sex I had a problem with you know when I would get high I would want to have

(50:17):
sex with a buddy and so I would go on my tinder I'd go on Instagram I find people so to do not
necessarily divide myself but to learn how to love my body and accept it after having a baby
was it's still a challenge till this day because you know I have to remind myself like my

(50:40):
body is so powerful I created a human being and I carry human being I am still doing the work and
I will forever be doing the work with a child and just seeing that is just so beautiful to me but it's
still it's so it's just so hard because I remember when I was an active addiction I wouldn't eat

(51:03):
because I really wanted to be like thin you know I was like I wanted to look a certain way
because I was also dancing so you know if you you know if you showed more you got more likes you got more
views you got more money and now it's like I don't I don't care but I do care I don't care how my
body looks to other people but I care how it looks for me so learning and navigating through all

(51:30):
these insecurities is a challenge but very rewarding because now I know that I'm just authentically
being myself everything I wanted to do I'm doing it now the home that I'm building I wanted it when
I was an active addiction I didn't think it was for me I didn't think I wanted to be a mob but because

(51:51):
I was an active addiction I didn't think that could be a responsible person mother and now I am I
wanted a relationship a loyal honest growing relationship now what's happening for me and you know
if there's my family like I wanted my family like my mom and my brothers and my sisters like I

(52:13):
wanted a better relationship with them that's what's happening now so good things are coming
as I'm working on myself but during that time it was I lost a lot of I lost a little bit of hope
because I actually wasn't going to meeting and I wasn't doing work with the sponsor that I

(52:37):
had that I first had so my first year I remember getting my take for my first year and no one was there
to give me my take it was just me like I just showed up to an old meeting and everyone was like oh my
god you're not pregnant anymore you know because I would go to meetings when I was pregnant and then

(53:00):
there would be a time where I just stopped going and once I got back into it I was like okay I need a
new sponsor I know what I'm looking for in a sponsor now I know what I I want from my program so
found a new sponsor for working a set and so there's things that I said I'm so working on my set because

(53:22):
I'm a mother and I'm a full-time worker and I'm a partner so you know I'm gonna balance it all out and
yeah yeah so um yeah thank you for sharing that you know that it's a very powerful story

(53:47):
you know I can't imagine you know being a woman and you know dealing with childbirth and then you
know um having a baby I know there's a lot of chemical changes from all changes and that you're
able to stay clean through all of it so congratulations on that I know it's not easy I know some
some women get post-partum depression I called my friends got it you know so it's a lot um

(54:12):
okay so last week I thought of relapsing it was Easter I was it was very stressful at work and last
Easter I went to a particular burger place five guys you know to celebrate you don't have to work
my family don't live out here so I you know my own and after that I felt so good I got high and I

(54:34):
thought to myself well this year let me go to five guys I did last year's quote unquote tradition
but then now having a few months clean I'm like wait a minute am I going at five guys because I want
the burger or am I going to relive this this life I had in the past and potentially use
I'm fortunate unfortunate that I was okay on my way home or I ride my bike home let me I'm not

(55:00):
gonna even I'm gonna go a different route so I don't even see it because I got scared I'm like well
if I go to if I go to in it five guys and fries I might end up using you know one thing my lead to
another is so a knock it was it's so subtle it's just a burger place it's not fucking the plug
sounds you know and I kept and I kept you know on the way home I thought about it oh I can hide

(55:21):
I can hide it I really can I almost got six months I'm doing so good you know my my connect doesn't
know anybody you know how the notion I know I'm not gonna post on Instagram but then I told myself
I can't lie to myself anymore I can't and if if I got high I would tell my I would tell my sponsor you know
and that night I just didn't hurt home I promised to meet you I I went to sleep you know I talked to

(55:48):
a friend you talked me out of it encouraged me and what really encouraged me too was I left on my
calendar I'm like yo I get six months tomorrow am I gonna fuck it on this just for one day so I'm
really I'm not gonna do it I woke up and I didn't get high but certain stuff like that is triggering
now for you yeah how do you deal with certain situations in the past you know you have two years

(56:15):
in I'm sure I'm sure still happens how do you deal with oh yeah well when it comes to creating
I I have to call my sponsor no matter what first share when it when it comes to craving um craving

(56:37):
come when I am stressed out like my baby's walking now so he loves to grab anything and everything
and uh he you know people are maybe such as who they are you know they're like you're here and we do
so again that's new for me so not being able to have my own space is very triggering for me sometimes

(57:04):
and I I realize that all I really need to do when I drink water because I learned from a therapist that
he says claims are last about 20 minutes so you have to do something within those 20 minutes
and in the 20 minutes will pass and so she's like either get up literally like do some jumping jacks like

(57:28):
draw um if you want to watch TV to watch TV but at the beginning TV would kind of like
um trade also trigger me because you know I see certain things like
or that there was abuse or it's I was still kind of very sensitive in the beginning and now it's like

(57:49):
I binge watch like shows and um I'm learning to just be in the moment to be honest like just sitting
in it and just feeling it they're not asking on it if I don't ask on it in a sense like if I don't go
out there and go to the plug or go to the reach up or go to the liquor store like I honestly when

(58:12):
I go to the store I don't go down the liquor store aisle I never really would because I would always
know what I wanted so it would be very close to like that entrance or whatever but I don't go don't
down the aisle I don't I I drive past like weed shops and I'm just I honestly I'm a weed now and I'm

(58:35):
a little disbusted by it I'm just like oh wow like it smells like that like I really I was living in
that thing you know I was like my car smell like that like my body smell like that and
whatever remember is that the life I have now is not worth losing right over a toe over a wine over

(59:03):
a beer like it's just not it's not like I have what I have because I've worked
to this point and I've been so honest and you're right like it's the honest thing like whether I
relapse I have to be honest if I'm not honest about again how long is it going I will probably
do that like you know my partnerships it's not perfect I have to be honest with my partner and be like

(59:29):
you know what I need space from you and the baby you know or hey I need affection today if I don't
fray those things like I will possibly do that and um well that's that's it I I try to be very
present with my child that's what I'm trying to do at the time yeah it's being present and playing with

(59:51):
him um being present with my partner uh reaching out to other women so we're so with mom um you know
just kind of connecting and growing and uh I'm trying to I think that's what we're both doing is really
like community even through social media as well reaching out to people and you know social media

(01:00:14):
can make you feel alone um but I think we're both in the same trying to do the same in reaching out
to people making them not feel alone um and yeah just giving people some some information some good stuff
definitely I mean for me too it's you know I call my sponsor let them know but also just for today

(01:00:38):
like let me just sometimes I catch myself like thinking too far into the future like that on Easter
I thought of like I thought I had these I glamorized going to a certain place in Van Nijs and meaning
you know I had to tell myself yo focus on your bike ride focus on your dinner just like do just for
today like distract yourself in a positive way just watch a bunch of YouTube videos or watch

(01:01:03):
listen to something comforting yeah and um like you said earlier with the 20 minutes I've heard
that before we're creating last 20 minutes and during active addiction I'm like what the fuck
like I'll just think of it again in 20 minutes like that what you know I didn't get it and you're
right they do it away but instead of giving myself occupied in a positive way I would just

(01:01:26):
think about it more for 20 minutes and you know it would I don't know it's tough it's tough yeah
I think you you said something right now and it's you know like future treatment and it's um
what what came up for me was not about like the word you say the word future treatment is

(01:01:50):
reminding me like something about how you know they tell you when you when you want to drink
or smoke or you know do drugs like just play the tape forward like don't think about the more
the release you're gonna feel think about how you're gonna feel after yes after you do that you know
like the I think about like guilt the guilt and the shame that I have sometimes that I know that I

(01:02:17):
will obtain if I were to relax the guilt and the shame is what really kills me same I think it's
messed up that I you know I have a lot of pride and they want to clean time I have and I know we
shouldn't value pride but I think for me if I relapse the guilt the pride the shame would be so devastating

(01:02:41):
that I can go out you know possibly overdose because like I think you know the mask that you know
um yeah so that's why I don't it's kind of selfish but it's like I know I worked hard for a lot of
things but like to me just any of the days that I guilt and the shame I don't have anymore it's nice to
know it's nice to not have that type of guilt and shame you know and I'm doing so well like my life

(01:03:06):
has changed in the past six months um so yeah I don't do for that but yeah there's definitely
challenging times and I have to like call a sponsor or just like stay very present you know
um also okay so for those not people listening you know most people I would imagine are not anx they

(01:03:30):
can just you know I drink whatever cool I'll see you go to work the next day for those kind of like
you know like maybe have a problem or something you know I don't I don't advocate telling them what
to do but what would be some suggestions like okay so let's say like they want to get sober get
clean what would be recommend or just some suggestions on how they should handle it because I know a lot

(01:03:55):
of times as addicts when we're being told something when we're being told what to do it typically backfires
yeah we don't like it we don't like it you do not like it when someone tells us a truth about
ourselves we don't like it um I would honestly just say if you if someone's out there and they think

(01:04:23):
they're thinking about quitting or always just having the guitar break um just like check in with
yourself throughout that process um for sure reach out to you know I I could just advocate for the
program um I'm want to say like you know kid of the meeting I'm meeting a real choice um my

(01:04:49):
meetings are mainly like women meetings um if I go to co-ed it's just because I'm like in the area
and I'm like I want to have a meeting so I don't care but um I would say hit a meeting and um just
get some numbers because the what will help is you connecting with someone over the ceiling like why

(01:05:15):
do you feel the need because you know you um that's honestly all I can really say um and then I
could just open my club up like you can always talk to me no more talk to you you know about it it
this is since um they may have a problem um I have I have already witnessed through my social media

(01:05:39):
people reaching out to me and telling me um like hey I think I have a problem and you know they've
never hit a meeting you know um but it's everyone's personal journeys um I'm no one to tell you like
that you're an alcoholic you're not an alcoholic only you know that yes um and it's it just

(01:06:01):
no it's a journey and it's not a definition that it's a journey that is very rewarding and it's
possible it's possible if you're willing yeah definitely and it's weird because I used to be that
guy who asked you where the drugs at and now it's like I want to I want to stop or I might have an
issue it's really 180 were like I'm able to help people out or just listen yeah I'm just

(01:06:27):
people out but just listening to people's issues and everything it's really rewarding and
it's going you know um you're saying that is actually reminding me like I'm sure about a meeting
and I said um I you know because people have to go like um how did you say silver and I'm like I

(01:06:49):
chased I literally I chased my recovery the same way I chased for weed and alcohol like so put
this thing type of enemy that you're putting into getting high and to your recovery yeah and it's
weird how like we can become so resourceful we can become like freaking I don't know we can become
like we have resources like FBI I see I lead like it's so weird when we got that mindset dude we can

(01:07:14):
like okay we will do the nerliest things we'll walk through like we will walk we will take a train by
yeah you would seem like you know I know when it would use and it's interesting now it's like well
if I apply that in like life in general I'd be more fulfilling just to like you know to do that stuff

(01:07:36):
so how yeah how yeah bus fuck admissions to like go to the plug like an hour away or something I'm
like look at like me commuting and stuff like I'm like if I'm willing to do all that why don't I
do the same thing for my recovery that's gonna my house is gonna get better my relationships are

(01:07:57):
gonna get better my income my money's growing so I mean like so I definitely agree with you you
know like I did the most when I was in and I said with this and like I was doing things I never thought
I would be doing and it's okay but I realized okay I'm going to do that I can definitely do this

(01:08:19):
with the help of other people and asking for help and not being priceless and again not being
priceless and dependent and thinking that I can just do this all by myself that was to try that but like
be independent you know but I need to ask you help okay one last question okay what

(01:08:42):
deterred me from getting high a lot of time or from sorry from getting clean a lot of times was uh
I was I didn't know who I'd be I thought it'd be a boring lame square person you know
yeah I was like what because I was I kind of like I was like oh you know life is boring without getting
hired drinking yeah once it happened you know did you have silver thoughts and did you think you

(01:09:07):
could like live without using and how does it feel now oh yeah no I I thought I was gonna be
I'm sorry I'm sorry god but I thought it would be like a nun yeah you know I'm like what like I'm

(01:09:27):
gonna you know I'm not gonna get invited to the party anymore like I'm not gonna be the cool girl
anymore like it's just it was insane you know insane delusional thinking that my life was so over
in the beginning and then I was pregnant too so I was like oh I'm definitely not getting
invited out about pregnant you know I know I want to invite the pregnant girl so I was yeah I was I

(01:09:54):
was really sad a lot of the time because my mind was telling me that you know I was better off being
the party girl and the stoner girl to everybody and anyone um but I just wasn't true you know
it did take time it takes time to first of all it takes time for like all the drugs to get out of

(01:10:18):
your system you know um I think fairly now I'm getting a better a clear mind like I feel like I can
remember things now and I can it took a while because I can not remember anything um even after I
thought smoking but I it took a while for my brain to kind of like rewire itself um but no I it was

(01:10:42):
such a lie it was such a lie me thinking that I was better off as the old me because now I'm like
I said I wouldn't change I wouldn't change anything right now like that's part of my story

(01:11:03):
now my like my best friends are this baby and my partner and my sponsor and you know
my recovery pictures and it's that's a great life that's a valuable life and that's something
that like you know money can't buy and um these substances can't can't buy yeah I don't

(01:11:29):
I agree you know it's weird how like I always wanted this life when I was high you know I was dreaming
I always fantasized about having pretty good relationships with people around me doing it at work
creating and it's so weird like it's happening once I stop getting it but I had to stop getting
high and drunk and it's yeah it's weird how it works to it I under off with uh I was ringing up

(01:11:53):
out someone at work and we're talking about moderation he's oh I'm an addict I'm on me too we can't
do moderation with certain things and he goes you know with with alcohol drugs you gotta stop thinking
about what you're gonna lose but what you gain and welcome us we gained a life we could only wish for
you know exactly so when that said do you thank you so much for your time I appreciate it thank you

(01:12:20):
yeah thank you so much for asking you like I said it's it's an honor I I love meeting other people
um who are open recovery I just I love it and it was a bit of an area so yeah we got to hit
these meetings together okay can we find you on Instagram people want to reach out if they have

(01:12:40):
issues kind of thing yeah people can reach out to me um through my Instagram um as the retired
donor girl um we could be on me they can email me um my Instagram it's definitely where we're on
act you got it well thank you again for your time I hope you have a good rest if you're Monday and I'll

(01:13:03):
see you around I'm confused thank you so much no problem have a good one bye