March 14, 2025 • 24 mins
Von shares his personal experiences with self-sabotage, online dating, and the challenges of approaching 40. He reflects on his past, including moments of nostalgia and the impact of his choices on his current mindset. Through candid storytelling, he explores the complexities of self-doubt, the fear of success, and the importance of mindfulness in overcoming negative thought patterns. Von emphasizes the significance of taking life one day at a time and recognizing personal accomplishments, no matter how small.
Chapters
(00:00) Introduction and Online Dating Story
(04:46) Nostalgia and Self-Reflection
(09:29) Understanding Self-Sabotage
(15:47) Facing the Fear of Turning 40
(21:41) Conclusion and Mindfulness in Thought Patterns
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there! My name is Vaughn and this is the Vaughncast Show. This is a podcast that focuses on
(00:08):
mental health, breaking societal stigmas, harm reduction, addiction and recovery. If you like what
you hear, subscribe and leave a review on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Also, follow the podcast
Instagram @thevoncastshow where I post video content from the show. All right, let's get into today's
(00:34):
episode. Hey there! Welcome to the Vaughncast show. Hope you're doing well. Happy Friday. I
apologize there was no episode yesterday or not yesterday. Last week, I... While there was some
scheduling issues and I decided you know what? I'm gonna wait till next week. So here we are.
(00:59):
Next week is here. Today is a solo episode and I wanted to talk a little bit about
self-sabotage from my perspective and some other things like it ain't closer to 40.
But before I say all that, a funny, not so funny story happened when it comes to online dating for me.
(01:27):
I think it was a couple months ago. I was on Facebook dating. I'm never really on the
Facebook dating thing but I just have a profile just to have one.
Casually, I check it once in a while. No hopes, no expectations. And then one day, I noticed I had a match
(01:56):
and I said, "Oh wow, I haven't had a match in ages. I don't really go on dating apps anymore."
And so I got talking with this woman just getting to me. I did the introduction.
"Hey, how's it going?" I was on. I like this, this, and this. I like this about your profile. All that good stuff.
(02:20):
And then I told her that I don't speak Vietnamese too much. I just know a couple words. I say that
because she's Vietnamese and she said, "Oh, you're not Vietnamese?" I said, "No, I'm Filipino."
She said, "Sorry, hard pass is you gotta be Vietnamese." And I get that. I wasn't really offended by it.
(02:48):
I figured she's raised in a Vietnamese household she wants to have like a Vietnamese culture in her
dating, which I totally get. And I said, "Well, maybe you still be friends." And in that period, I was thinking,
(03:11):
"Oh, what if we do meet?" I started having all these scenarios in my head of,
"What if we meet?" What do I say next? Like fantasizing kind of thing. And yeah, so it didn't work out.
It was cool for a couple days. So she found out that I was Filipino and I have Vietnamese.
(03:32):
And then I realized I noticed I did something where I re-downloaded,
hinge and TikTok and Bumble. I haven't been on those apps in years. And I think I was looking for that
relic in, of swiping, matching. And I used to deep down that I don't even really want to date.
(04:04):
So I just stopped what I was doing. I just deleted the apps again because I realized I'm kind of
probably wasting my time and other people's time. But I think with that story just goes to show
how that addiction, how my addiction, and sometimes transfer to other things. There's that hyperfixation.
(04:29):
It could also be the ADHD when you're hyperfixated on something that gives you a lot of dopamine.
So yeah, that's my little online dating story.
Onto self-sabotage. So, oh, no, no. So about a month ago, I downloaded Final Fantasy 7 Remake.
(04:56):
I really enjoyed that game. I grew up playing Final Fantasy.
As a childhood memory of mine, I remember playing on PS1. I had it modded. So unfortunately,
on the third disc, back then the game was on three discs. The original one, I wasn't able to
(05:20):
complete it because it was modded. I kind of fucked the game up. Remember, those are really fun
experience when I was a kid in this time around. It was just very nostalgic. I really liked the game a lot.
It's just a bummer that to play Final Fantasy Rebirth, which is the sequel, you have to play or you have
to get a PlayStation 5. And the stats don't carry over. And I tried playing hard mode, but it was too hard.
(05:49):
I can't use items. And MP doesn't recharge whenever you turn a bench. So, I was like, oh, fuck.
So yeah, I played that for about like a month straight. The first day I got it up,
I played it for 12 hours. Luckily, I had two days off. But I was still consumed. And now I was like,
(06:12):
okay, I'm trying a new game, Bloodborne. It's a difficult game. A really difficult game. So we'll see
where that goes. But the other day, I was listening to a song. Sometimes listen to a couple songs. And
they're roughly 20 years old, 15 to 20 years old. And I get so nostalgic. You know, I think about
(06:42):
where I was, what I was doing, who I was at the time, like in terms of like my growth. The music I was
listening to my space, side kicks, iTunes, iPod Shuffles, iPod Nannos. And my damn, I can't believe
(07:05):
20 years have passed. And it's even like, and yeah, that happens, you know, getting nostalgic. But
a few weeks ago, I saw somebody on social media. I haven't seen in a long time. I don't really talk to
them anymore. We were like, no, we had a fling. I'll say that. And I just, you know, randomly noticed
(07:37):
that she checked out my stories and one of my Instagram accounts and my Instagram podcast and Instagram
account. And I saw her doing great. She's a family. Now, that's cool. Congratulations. That's really
awesome. And then something hit me. I was like, fuck, what have I been doing with my life? I got a little
(08:04):
like, little bummed out almost. I started kind of comparing like what I was, my accomplishments
to hers, kind of bummed me out for a couple days. Yeah, it really like, it got to me. I'm like, what
(08:26):
am I doing with my life? I felt like sometimes I really haven't done much. You know, and I think
part of it is, I'm a self-sabotage. I did it with Dr. Nalgo for a long time. I think that I've been used
(08:49):
to feeling for so long that it just became, that it just became normal. Like, I don't know. Some people
fear failure. I don't so much. I kind of fear success almost sometimes because then like expectation
get higher and I all myself. And I don't know. It's really weird. Like, I feel like there'll be more
(09:19):
responsibility and I won't be able to handle it. That kind of stuff. But yeah, I just noticed that.
Like, for years, I've been doing this subconsciously. Right. I mean, getting high is fun. I think a lot of
it was, I was almost like scared of my own potential. Almost. Like, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
(09:43):
It's really weird. I talk to my therapist about this. And you know, that behavior still kind of
continues on today, where I might procrastinate or just like, I don't know. When I'm like super
stressed out, I'll just take a long ass nap or I'll just eat a bunch. So I get like a food coma,
(10:09):
feel good. And I'll go to sleep. You know. And yeah, I kind of noticed that it's still kind of going
on in my life. And yeah, sometimes it's kind of like, what am I doing? You know, like, why does it matter?
You know, I'm not saying that like, I want to end it kind of way. It was kind of like, what's the point?
(10:33):
You know, I feel like sometimes I'm so like set back, set behind like behind everybody else
that cycle was the point of like trying to catch up was the point of trying. You know, I'm just going to
keep fucking up. And that's just my mindset a lot of times. And kind of to therapy and 12 step, I'm
(10:59):
learning that it's just my mindset that I'm not really behind necessarily. Now, I look back and
say, yeah, what the heck happened? No, I really had fun. I really had a great past 20 years,
ups and downs of it all. And like, I knew what I was starting up for. So I'm not like really,
(11:28):
kind of like, oh, what was me like, no, I knew what I was doing. Like, I knew that
this is what I kind of wanted to do. You know, I knew that the choices I make would have,
this is what would happen. You know, I wanted to party. Yeah, that's cool. And I learned some things
(11:51):
along the way, made some good friends. And I'm actually glad that, hey, I was able to quit drugs and
alcohol. And that a lot of times I just feel like, yeah, not regret it, but it's like, damn,
what I've been doing. But, you know, I've been living life. This is like my own path. You know, at the end
(12:17):
of the day, like I accept it. And through that, it's kind of like, you know, I learned a lot. I learned
empathy. I learned like self-compassion. And I'm glad I'm lucky to survive it all.
(12:40):
Do that. You build in my life. And I'm really enjoying it. But time to time, I have those moments,
like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, now I'm bro, like, you're like music, you're podcasting,
you're doing your thing, you're able to overcome, like a lot of hurdles. And I forget that a lot.
(13:03):
You know, it took so much to get clean and just learn how to get through a lot of the past stuff
that I wasn't able to get through. I'm still learning how to work through it. But, you know,
to process, I look back like, damn, yeah, I did that. It's funny because I was in the car with
(13:26):
co-worker last week, gave me right home. And you want to check out my music. I said, hey, you know,
he knows that I make music. He asked me about, oh, you making use fondly lately. And I said, yeah,
I did. And then told him, hey, do you want to listen to my music? And he said, yeah, put on Spotify.
(13:48):
He really liked the music. And we listened to this stuff. I'm like, damn, I really did that. I really
put that song out. I already said that those bars, those lines, he was digging it. And I just,
and again, I saw that my response is like, oh, maybe doing sold out shows. And I said, yeah,
maybe someday. He goes, no, you will. And I noticed that like stuff that that imposter syndrome coming
(14:15):
up that I won't be able to do this. You know, like I almost almost like I sabotaged a chance of
me trying to try and do it. You know? And I think it's just, that's just me. That's my response from
(14:37):
like, fucking up so much. It just become a normal thing. Even though I'm not on drugs anymore,
like I just noticed that's the pattern. And, um, and I know that I have to have a different mindset.
(14:58):
I know I have to replace that, that negativity with positivity, you're asked, why do I think that?
A lot of it, I think, is just, it stems from like fear and anxiety in the past.
Speaking of which, I'm getting closer to 40. It's a trip saying that. And again, like,
(15:22):
I sell sabotage that I can't sit with these feelings, those emotions. You know, I like I said
earlier, I resort to different things to escape from that. Like, that thought makes me just want
to run for the hills, you know, that I kind of want to, I mean, it's weird. I thought about this
(15:48):
the other day that, you know, one of these days, I want to just move to Thailand out of nowhere
and like, start over and not tell anybody, but obviously I'm telling somebody now. I'm telling you
then I thought to myself, but, but what I be doing, what I be going to go because I really want to,
(16:13):
or to run away from my current life. I think it would be because I want to run for my current life.
There's nothing inherently like wrong with my current life. Things are actually good. Like,
what I really think about it, I have a good job, I have a roof over my head. I'm doing pretty well.
(16:36):
But it's just these, you know, like, I think of the past, I think of how I'm feeling, the anxiousness,
the fear, the self-doubt. And I just kind of like get frozen. You know, I can't even like think,
(16:57):
I'm like, fuck, because like my body just freezes and it's a very uncomfortable feeling.
I have to learn that it's just a feeling, like it's not happening in real life.
That it's just in my head, but it's so powerful that it's like it's actually happening, you know.
(17:23):
And when I tell myself that I kind of snap out of it a little bit,
like I just sometimes worry for the future so much. It's with everything going on, not just in my life,
but I just have to take it a day to time and just being the present, you know. I think sometimes
(17:46):
where I want to get to in life is like, damn, how do I even get there? You know, I feel like,
again, in my head, sometimes I think I'm so behind and like, at such a far distance to that goal,
what's the point of trying? Right, because in the past, I fucked up over and over just in different
(18:08):
parts of life. And with relapsing, you know, before I started working a program that it just became
a normal thing. And I think that type of behavior, that failure just kind of, it transferred to other
parts of my life where I said, you know what, what's the point of trying? You know, I'm going to fail
(18:30):
anyways. Again, I know that it's just a mindset that I have to be mindful of and change
through making differently. And yeah, um, some days it's just like, I feel like I barely accomplished
(18:59):
much. It's like, some days I just think, damn, as long as I go to work today and do good at work,
go home, get some food, play some video games, take a shower and go to sleep. That's good enough for me.
(19:19):
As long as I don't get high today, I still get enough for me. It's been a lot of those days lately.
And yeah, um, yeah, I think again, it's kind of downplay, a lot of my accomplishments,
(19:40):
I'm like, I have to learn that. And these feelings of anxiety, it's going to pass.
And yeah, that has been like a breakthrough with my therapy the past like a couple weeks.
You know, I kind of reflected on life. And it's just like, damn, you know, I partied
(20:08):
like past 14 years. I got to switch it up the next 14 years and move forward.
And I think it's so dawning because it's like, damn, I'm so behind quote unquote, but I know people
that have been incarcerated for so much longer. And when they got out, they're able to turn the life
(20:34):
around and be successful. And I got to have that mindset too. It's like, yeah, you know, the past happened.
But you still got a lot more days ahead of you. And you can turn it around. Again, I just feel like
(20:58):
this is all in my head. You know, I know I have my, I know I have accomplishments in terms of like,
you know, podcasting and music. I have plenty of songs out. I got 240 something podcast episodes out.
That's like each, each one is like a testament to my effort and what I've been doing.
(21:25):
But in my head, I just always think of all the negative and all the things I fucked up on.
And yeah, I just got to work on that.
So again, yeah, I just kind of like a day to time thing. But I think I just wanted to get that out there
(21:48):
because I don't know, maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way,
especially not the only one that's like about to hit 40. And
and yeah, the self-sabotarcy is like takes over sometimes. I like what's the point. You're going to feel
anyways. But I tell myself that no, never notes to you. Try to give it a shot, man. But it's just like
(22:18):
sometimes it was the point because I have so much, I was such a far reach to my goal. I got to remind myself
that it's take a day to time. You know, when I think about how much I got, I feel like I have to catch
up on or I got to do. It does get overwhelming. I do tell myself like what's the point, fuck it. Let's give up.
But I think it's just like with staying clean. It's a day to time. I remember the first
(22:47):
couple months, first 30 days, first two weeks seemed impossible. But looking back at it now,
if I feel like no, if I was able to get off drugs and alcohol and stay clean all this time,
(23:10):
I have like two years and a few months in, I never thought I'd even be able to do that. Like
staying clean for 30 days was like a miracle back then. Now it's just a breeze. So I think if I apply
that to other parts of my life, I could have very similar results. So that's today's episode.
(23:41):
It's a little, I don't know, I felt like it just like a therapy session right now.
I never really said that. I don't think I really said that too much in a podcast before.
Went that deep. You know? But it helps me out and it might help other people out listening. If anything,
(24:02):
my resonate. I guess we're not alone. So yeah, with that said, I hope everybody has a good week
and that we are able to be mindful of our thought patterns and realize that, hey, maybe some of these
(24:24):
thought patterns are the way we're thinking. It's not server-ness. It's not helping us.
And we can think about things a different way.
Hey there! My name is Vaughn and this is the Vaughncast Show. This is a podcast that focuses on
(00:08):
mental health, breaking societal stigmas, harm reduction, addiction and recovery. If you like what
you hear, subscribe and leave a review on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Also, follow the podcast
Instagram @thevoncastshow where I post video content from the show. All right, let's get into today's
(00:34):
episode. Hey there! Welcome to the Vaughncast show. Hope you're doing well. Happy Friday. I
apologize there was no episode yesterday or not yesterday. Last week, I... While there was some
scheduling issues and I decided you know what? I'm gonna wait till next week. So here we are.
(00:59):
Next week is here. Today is a solo episode and I wanted to talk a little bit about
self-sabotage from my perspective and some other things like it ain't closer to 40.
But before I say all that, a funny, not so funny story happened when it comes to online dating for me.
(01:27):
I think it was a couple months ago. I was on Facebook dating. I'm never really on the
Facebook dating thing but I just have a profile just to have one.
Casually, I check it once in a while. No hopes, no expectations. And then one day, I noticed I had a match
(01:56):
and I said, "Oh wow, I haven't had a match in ages. I don't really go on dating apps anymore."
And so I got talking with this woman just getting to me. I did the introduction.
"Hey, how's it going?" I was on. I like this, this, and this. I like this about your profile. All that good stuff.
(02:20):
And then I told her that I don't speak Vietnamese too much. I just know a couple words. I say that
because she's Vietnamese and she said, "Oh, you're not Vietnamese?" I said, "No, I'm Filipino."
She said, "Sorry, hard pass is you gotta be Vietnamese." And I get that. I wasn't really offended by it.
(02:48):
I figured she's raised in a Vietnamese household she wants to have like a Vietnamese culture in her
dating, which I totally get. And I said, "Well, maybe you still be friends." And in that period, I was thinking,
(03:11):
"Oh, what if we do meet?" I started having all these scenarios in my head of,
"What if we meet?" What do I say next? Like fantasizing kind of thing. And yeah, so it didn't work out.
It was cool for a couple days. So she found out that I was Filipino and I have Vietnamese.
(03:32):
And then I realized I noticed I did something where I re-downloaded,
hinge and TikTok and Bumble. I haven't been on those apps in years. And I think I was looking for that
relic in, of swiping, matching. And I used to deep down that I don't even really want to date.
(04:04):
So I just stopped what I was doing. I just deleted the apps again because I realized I'm kind of
probably wasting my time and other people's time. But I think with that story just goes to show
how that addiction, how my addiction, and sometimes transfer to other things. There's that hyperfixation.
(04:29):
It could also be the ADHD when you're hyperfixated on something that gives you a lot of dopamine.
So yeah, that's my little online dating story.
Onto self-sabotage. So, oh, no, no. So about a month ago, I downloaded Final Fantasy 7 Remake.
(04:56):
I really enjoyed that game. I grew up playing Final Fantasy.
As a childhood memory of mine, I remember playing on PS1. I had it modded. So unfortunately,
on the third disc, back then the game was on three discs. The original one, I wasn't able to
(05:20):
complete it because it was modded. I kind of fucked the game up. Remember, those are really fun
experience when I was a kid in this time around. It was just very nostalgic. I really liked the game a lot.
It's just a bummer that to play Final Fantasy Rebirth, which is the sequel, you have to play or you have
to get a PlayStation 5. And the stats don't carry over. And I tried playing hard mode, but it was too hard.
(05:49):
I can't use items. And MP doesn't recharge whenever you turn a bench. So, I was like, oh, fuck.
So yeah, I played that for about like a month straight. The first day I got it up,
I played it for 12 hours. Luckily, I had two days off. But I was still consumed. And now I was like,
(06:12):
okay, I'm trying a new game, Bloodborne. It's a difficult game. A really difficult game. So we'll see
where that goes. But the other day, I was listening to a song. Sometimes listen to a couple songs. And
they're roughly 20 years old, 15 to 20 years old. And I get so nostalgic. You know, I think about
(06:42):
where I was, what I was doing, who I was at the time, like in terms of like my growth. The music I was
listening to my space, side kicks, iTunes, iPod Shuffles, iPod Nannos. And my damn, I can't believe
(07:05):
20 years have passed. And it's even like, and yeah, that happens, you know, getting nostalgic. But
a few weeks ago, I saw somebody on social media. I haven't seen in a long time. I don't really talk to
them anymore. We were like, no, we had a fling. I'll say that. And I just, you know, randomly noticed
(07:37):
that she checked out my stories and one of my Instagram accounts and my Instagram podcast and Instagram
account. And I saw her doing great. She's a family. Now, that's cool. Congratulations. That's really
awesome. And then something hit me. I was like, fuck, what have I been doing with my life? I got a little
(08:04):
like, little bummed out almost. I started kind of comparing like what I was, my accomplishments
to hers, kind of bummed me out for a couple days. Yeah, it really like, it got to me. I'm like, what
(08:26):
am I doing with my life? I felt like sometimes I really haven't done much. You know, and I think
part of it is, I'm a self-sabotage. I did it with Dr. Nalgo for a long time. I think that I've been used
(08:49):
to feeling for so long that it just became, that it just became normal. Like, I don't know. Some people
fear failure. I don't so much. I kind of fear success almost sometimes because then like expectation
get higher and I all myself. And I don't know. It's really weird. Like, I feel like there'll be more
(09:19):
responsibility and I won't be able to handle it. That kind of stuff. But yeah, I just noticed that.
Like, for years, I've been doing this subconsciously. Right. I mean, getting high is fun. I think a lot of
it was, I was almost like scared of my own potential. Almost. Like, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
(09:43):
It's really weird. I talk to my therapist about this. And you know, that behavior still kind of
continues on today, where I might procrastinate or just like, I don't know. When I'm like super
stressed out, I'll just take a long ass nap or I'll just eat a bunch. So I get like a food coma,
(10:09):
feel good. And I'll go to sleep. You know. And yeah, I kind of noticed that it's still kind of going
on in my life. And yeah, sometimes it's kind of like, what am I doing? You know, like, why does it matter?
You know, I'm not saying that like, I want to end it kind of way. It was kind of like, what's the point?
(10:33):
You know, I feel like sometimes I'm so like set back, set behind like behind everybody else
that cycle was the point of like trying to catch up was the point of trying. You know, I'm just going to
keep fucking up. And that's just my mindset a lot of times. And kind of to therapy and 12 step, I'm
(10:59):
learning that it's just my mindset that I'm not really behind necessarily. Now, I look back and
say, yeah, what the heck happened? No, I really had fun. I really had a great past 20 years,
ups and downs of it all. And like, I knew what I was starting up for. So I'm not like really,
(11:28):
kind of like, oh, what was me like, no, I knew what I was doing. Like, I knew that
this is what I kind of wanted to do. You know, I knew that the choices I make would have,
this is what would happen. You know, I wanted to party. Yeah, that's cool. And I learned some things
(11:51):
along the way, made some good friends. And I'm actually glad that, hey, I was able to quit drugs and
alcohol. And that a lot of times I just feel like, yeah, not regret it, but it's like, damn,
what I've been doing. But, you know, I've been living life. This is like my own path. You know, at the end
(12:17):
of the day, like I accept it. And through that, it's kind of like, you know, I learned a lot. I learned
empathy. I learned like self-compassion. And I'm glad I'm lucky to survive it all.
(12:40):
Do that. You build in my life. And I'm really enjoying it. But time to time, I have those moments,
like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, now I'm bro, like, you're like music, you're podcasting,
you're doing your thing, you're able to overcome, like a lot of hurdles. And I forget that a lot.
(13:03):
You know, it took so much to get clean and just learn how to get through a lot of the past stuff
that I wasn't able to get through. I'm still learning how to work through it. But, you know,
to process, I look back like, damn, yeah, I did that. It's funny because I was in the car with
(13:26):
co-worker last week, gave me right home. And you want to check out my music. I said, hey, you know,
he knows that I make music. He asked me about, oh, you making use fondly lately. And I said, yeah,
I did. And then told him, hey, do you want to listen to my music? And he said, yeah, put on Spotify.
(13:48):
He really liked the music. And we listened to this stuff. I'm like, damn, I really did that. I really
put that song out. I already said that those bars, those lines, he was digging it. And I just,
and again, I saw that my response is like, oh, maybe doing sold out shows. And I said, yeah,
maybe someday. He goes, no, you will. And I noticed that like stuff that that imposter syndrome coming
(14:15):
up that I won't be able to do this. You know, like I almost almost like I sabotaged a chance of
me trying to try and do it. You know? And I think it's just, that's just me. That's my response from
(14:37):
like, fucking up so much. It just become a normal thing. Even though I'm not on drugs anymore,
like I just noticed that's the pattern. And, um, and I know that I have to have a different mindset.
(14:58):
I know I have to replace that, that negativity with positivity, you're asked, why do I think that?
A lot of it, I think, is just, it stems from like fear and anxiety in the past.
Speaking of which, I'm getting closer to 40. It's a trip saying that. And again, like,
(15:22):
I sell sabotage that I can't sit with these feelings, those emotions. You know, I like I said
earlier, I resort to different things to escape from that. Like, that thought makes me just want
to run for the hills, you know, that I kind of want to, I mean, it's weird. I thought about this
(15:48):
the other day that, you know, one of these days, I want to just move to Thailand out of nowhere
and like, start over and not tell anybody, but obviously I'm telling somebody now. I'm telling you
then I thought to myself, but, but what I be doing, what I be going to go because I really want to,
(16:13):
or to run away from my current life. I think it would be because I want to run for my current life.
There's nothing inherently like wrong with my current life. Things are actually good. Like,
what I really think about it, I have a good job, I have a roof over my head. I'm doing pretty well.
(16:36):
But it's just these, you know, like, I think of the past, I think of how I'm feeling, the anxiousness,
the fear, the self-doubt. And I just kind of like get frozen. You know, I can't even like think,
(16:57):
I'm like, fuck, because like my body just freezes and it's a very uncomfortable feeling.
I have to learn that it's just a feeling, like it's not happening in real life.
That it's just in my head, but it's so powerful that it's like it's actually happening, you know.
(17:23):
And when I tell myself that I kind of snap out of it a little bit,
like I just sometimes worry for the future so much. It's with everything going on, not just in my life,
but I just have to take it a day to time and just being the present, you know. I think sometimes
(17:46):
where I want to get to in life is like, damn, how do I even get there? You know, I feel like,
again, in my head, sometimes I think I'm so behind and like, at such a far distance to that goal,
what's the point of trying? Right, because in the past, I fucked up over and over just in different
(18:08):
parts of life. And with relapsing, you know, before I started working a program that it just became
a normal thing. And I think that type of behavior, that failure just kind of, it transferred to other
parts of my life where I said, you know what, what's the point of trying? You know, I'm going to fail
(18:30):
anyways. Again, I know that it's just a mindset that I have to be mindful of and change
through making differently. And yeah, um, some days it's just like, I feel like I barely accomplished
(18:59):
much. It's like, some days I just think, damn, as long as I go to work today and do good at work,
go home, get some food, play some video games, take a shower and go to sleep. That's good enough for me.
(19:19):
As long as I don't get high today, I still get enough for me. It's been a lot of those days lately.
And yeah, um, yeah, I think again, it's kind of downplay, a lot of my accomplishments,
(19:40):
I'm like, I have to learn that. And these feelings of anxiety, it's going to pass.
And yeah, that has been like a breakthrough with my therapy the past like a couple weeks.
You know, I kind of reflected on life. And it's just like, damn, you know, I partied
(20:08):
like past 14 years. I got to switch it up the next 14 years and move forward.
And I think it's so dawning because it's like, damn, I'm so behind quote unquote, but I know people
that have been incarcerated for so much longer. And when they got out, they're able to turn the life
(20:34):
around and be successful. And I got to have that mindset too. It's like, yeah, you know, the past happened.
But you still got a lot more days ahead of you. And you can turn it around. Again, I just feel like
(20:58):
this is all in my head. You know, I know I have my, I know I have accomplishments in terms of like,
you know, podcasting and music. I have plenty of songs out. I got 240 something podcast episodes out.
That's like each, each one is like a testament to my effort and what I've been doing.
(21:25):
But in my head, I just always think of all the negative and all the things I fucked up on.
And yeah, I just got to work on that.
So again, yeah, I just kind of like a day to time thing. But I think I just wanted to get that out there
(21:48):
because I don't know, maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way,
especially not the only one that's like about to hit 40. And
and yeah, the self-sabotarcy is like takes over sometimes. I like what's the point. You're going to feel
anyways. But I tell myself that no, never notes to you. Try to give it a shot, man. But it's just like
(22:18):
sometimes it was the point because I have so much, I was such a far reach to my goal. I got to remind myself
that it's take a day to time. You know, when I think about how much I got, I feel like I have to catch
up on or I got to do. It does get overwhelming. I do tell myself like what's the point, fuck it. Let's give up.
But I think it's just like with staying clean. It's a day to time. I remember the first
(22:47):
couple months, first 30 days, first two weeks seemed impossible. But looking back at it now,
if I feel like no, if I was able to get off drugs and alcohol and stay clean all this time,
(23:10):
I have like two years and a few months in, I never thought I'd even be able to do that. Like
staying clean for 30 days was like a miracle back then. Now it's just a breeze. So I think if I apply
that to other parts of my life, I could have very similar results. So that's today's episode.
(23:41):
It's a little, I don't know, I felt like it just like a therapy session right now.
I never really said that. I don't think I really said that too much in a podcast before.
Went that deep. You know? But it helps me out and it might help other people out listening. If anything,
(24:02):
my resonate. I guess we're not alone. So yeah, with that said, I hope everybody has a good week
and that we are able to be mindful of our thought patterns and realize that, hey, maybe some of these
(24:24):
thought patterns are the way we're thinking. It's not server-ness. It's not helping us.
And we can think about things a different way.
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