April 28, 2025 • 31 mins
Von shares his personal journey with ADHD, discussing the importance of therapy, the challenges of impulsivity, and the impact of his diagnosis on his self-esteem. He reflects on coping mechanisms, including video games, and emphasizes the need for accessible mental health resources. Von also addresses the complexities of managing ADHD without medication and encourages listeners to seek help when needed.
Chapters
(00:00) Introduction and Personal Update
(03:49) The Importance of Therapy
(06:30) Understanding ADHD
(09:37) Impulsivity and Addiction
(12:49) Self-Discovery and Relief
(15:38) Navigating Impulse Control
(18:33) Coping Mechanisms and Video Games
(21:25) Managing ADHD Without Medication
(29:29) Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Follow Me on Social Media:
https://www.instagram.com/thevoncastshow/
https://www.instagram.com/shibavon/
https://www.iamvon.net/
Chapters
(00:00) Introduction and Personal Update
(03:49) The Importance of Therapy
(06:30) Understanding ADHD
(09:37) Impulsivity and Addiction
(12:49) Self-Discovery and Relief
(15:38) Navigating Impulse Control
(18:33) Coping Mechanisms and Video Games
(21:25) Managing ADHD Without Medication
(29:29) Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Follow Me on Social Media:
https://www.instagram.com/thevoncastshow/
https://www.instagram.com/shibavon/
https://www.iamvon.net/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there! My name is Vaughn and this is the Vaughncast Show. This is a podcast that focuses on
(00:08):
mental health, breaking societal stigmas, harm reduction, addiction and recovery. If you like what
you hear, subscribe and leave a review on Spotify and Apple Podcast. Also, follow the podcast
Instagram @thevaughncastshow where I post video content from the show. All right, let's get into
(00:33):
today's episode. Hey there, welcome to the Vaughncast Show. Happy Monday. Hope everybody is doing well
today and hope you had a good weekend. Today is a solo episode. I took a break last week from doing
a new episode. I was out of town. I had Easter with some family in the Bay Area, which is pretty
(01:01):
cool. I haven't been back up there in a while. So that was pretty nice. And it was cool. It's
cool to see family. And so today it is a solo episode. Kind of like talk about what's been going on.
This past week meant to health wise. So this is going to be like a topic about ADHD and how managing it
(01:29):
and dealing with it. So I've been doing therapy. It's been going well. And I'm starting to see
the positive outcome of going to therapy on a regular basis.
And I just really wish that therapy was more accessible and more affordable. I only have it because
(01:55):
I have insurance and my insurance covers the sessions. I get a bill like every month.
And I see how much it costs. And I'm like, "Dude, this is insane." And
(02:16):
I'm just really glad that I have insurance because I would not be able to afford therapy
on a regular weekly basis if I didn't. And it's done a lot of wonders for me. It's done great.
And I just wish it was more accessible and affordable for everybody. You know, I wonder what our
(02:40):
society would be like if therapy was more accessible and affordable for everybody. I feel like a lot of us,
us, I'm talking to as adults, you're probably an adult if you're listening to this podcast,
if you're not cool. Hi. But yeah, I just feel like, you know, a lot of us adults carry trauma from
(03:09):
childhood and that manifests into different things. And we tend to act out on it.
Some of us, maybe not so much, but some of us, you know, we do, it does really affect our lives,
our personal life, our work life, our relationships. And some of us even get in trouble by the law,
(03:37):
not saying that, you know, that excuses it. But a lot of stuff does stem from our past or younger.
And what's great about therapy is that it can help us kind of figure it out, see where it all started.
Not saying that therapy is essential. I think you can, there's different ways to go about it. You can
(04:03):
read about it, other things. But I feel like therapy is a way place to start because you're speaking
as somebody who you don't necessarily know. I mean, it's great talking to friends about things.
But it's also nice to get a professional who's unbiased, to get their feedback on what you're going
(04:26):
through in your history. And yeah, I do feel like if we were, if most of us, if more people would go to
therapy, a lot younger or a lot sooner than later, man, a lot of things could be avoided. A lot of
(04:50):
bad decisions, a lot of regrets, and just a lot of a lot of pain that we cause ourselves or that we
cause others. Going back to, you know, myself therapy. It's been helping. So I go to therapy not so much
(05:17):
for drugs and alcohol. I'm pretty good on that front. I go to 12 step meetings, but it does overlap.
Sometimes I, for those who don't know, I have ADHD. I was diagnosed and later in my life about maybe
(05:38):
two and a half, three years ago, it was shortly around the time when I decided to get clean.
So I have previous episodes on ADHD with a couple of therapists. One therapist who I actually
is my current therapist. I've mentioned this in the past, but I met my current therapist on
(06:03):
Instagram threads reached out to her to do a podcast episode. And the podcast episode went so well,
our dialogue about ADHD was pretty cool. I like how she framed it. I liked our chemistry.
(06:26):
And after the podcast session, I asked her, "Hey, you're pretty cool. What insurance do you take?"
Cause I'd be interested in having you as a therapist. So yeah, there are episodes on ADHD.
(06:48):
But for those who are new, pretty much I was diagnosed with ADHD. I'd say about two and a half years ago.
And when I found out, I felt a relief, a sense of relief. Because throughout my life,
there were things that I did or I thought my thought process in doing things was different for my peers.
(07:14):
And I kind of felt like I was stupid. I didn't get it. That I really tried to pay attention
in class, but sometimes it was just harder for me to pay attention, for me to pay attention
compared to other people. I really tried. I constantly misplaced things. And I really tried to keep
(07:43):
them in the same place, remember, but if you learn ADHD has an impact in that. And aside from the
being unable to pay attention, lack of attention, I think that's what CIDC's ADHD has.
Right, or you're super hyper. Another thing that affects is emotional regulation. And also
(08:13):
in pulse IV. I think impulsivity is a definition of it as action without forethought or pretty much
action without thinking of consequences. And some people's impulse issues are different from
others. I'd say there's a spectrum of it. And prior to like getting diagnosed with ADHD,
(08:45):
I found substances early on in my late teens, early adulthood. First, they helped me
feel okay. The alcohol slowed my thoughts down, so did the opiates. And when I was down, when I was
(09:06):
unable to emotionally regulate breakups or you know, frustrating situations in life,
I would take substances mainly uppers and feel good about myself. Because I think our my ADHD
(09:27):
brains are a lot different from neuro-typical brains. Now, over time, that feeling of I got a self-medicate,
it became a habit. And also to ADHD brains, people with ADHD are more susceptible to addiction,
(09:50):
like myself. So at first it was to self-medicate, right? Or it was to do it. Because you know what I
I've mentioned before, it feels good. Not gonna lie. Popping the, you're not lying. Doggids.
It's not just medicine, it just feels fucking good. Straight up, right? I can be honest about that.
(10:13):
But repeating it over time, using it over time, it becomes for me an addiction. Now, I have friends
who partied the same amount as I did, or even more maybe, but they were able to put it down.
They were able to say, "No, I'm good. There'll be times when I'd hit them up or I'd be at a party.
(10:39):
I'm like, "Yo, dude, yo, you want a fucking lying dog? You know, or you want another drink?" And they can say,
"No, I've had enough. I'm good. You can do it." And I'm like, "Yes, more for me, right?" So,
yeah. So that's what it was for me, and it became an addiction. Years down the road,
(11:06):
one-two-and-a-half years ago, I went to a therapist for, because I realized that, "Hey, maybe I have an
issue with my use of substances." And talking to her, interacting with her, she asked me if I've been
diagnosed with ADHD. I said, "No." And she diagnosed me, ran through, like, it took a while,
(11:36):
asking me questions, and turns out I have ADHD. And a lot of things started to make sense.
How I, the way I was, my behavior, my actions, and my thought process. I know earlier I mentioned
(12:03):
about impulse, right? The thing with ADHD brains is that when something feels good, you're going to
want to keep seeking that thing that makes you feel good. And it's because people with ADHD
experience impulsivity because their brainwiring makes delayed gratification,
(12:29):
planning, an emotional regulation, neurologically harder, not because they're choosing to be
impulsive. It's a real brain difference. Now, that, I feel, it doesn't excuse everything, but it's a
reason, right? And it's just harder. It's more difficult. Like, I always wondered why, how come
(12:51):
my friends can put down that drink or turn down this drug easier than I could? Like, we're the same age,
grew up pretty similar. What's the difference? Is it willpower? Am I lacking willpower?
I'm telling you, I like struggled with that. I thought like something was wrong with me.
(13:15):
It's just my brain's, why are different? I had a lot of guilt and shame over that. I felt like
I wasn't strong, minded, and it's not the case.
So, I found out at ADHD, I just felt a relief. Like, okay, this explains a lot.
(13:40):
But also too, I feel like, man, I wish I would have known this a lot sooner because I feel like,
for me, it developed self-esteem issues, right? I don't have good willpower, which means I'm weak,
(14:01):
minded, or I have issues focusing. I can't, I'm not like, as smart as my other peers, in that sense,
at issues with math, I must be stupid. And that doesn't feel very good. So, having ADHD early on,
(14:26):
and not knowing what it was, it definitely caused personal self-esteem issues in my life, right?
I went on for a long time, making how it's done. It's just, my brain just works different. I might not
be good at this, but I'm good at something else. And I'm just like, damn, it's out of no.
(14:52):
But it is what it is. I know now, I found out two and a half years ago, and I'm making progress with it.
Speaking of impulse, man, I'm going to tell you a scenario that happened last week. I really don't
(15:18):
want to go into the details because it's a personal matter, and I don't really want to
really talk about it because it involves other people. But pretty much, last week, I'm, there's a
situation came up. A situation where I could have acted out on this because I thought justified to do so.
(15:45):
It's not drugs, so I could do it. And this opportunity came up. And I thought about the situation.
I'm like, you know, I could really go for this. I could really act, I can play a part in the situation
(16:08):
if I wanted to. And, you know, again, I felt like I was okay to do so. But at the same time, I didn't.
I was able to really think about the situation. I told myself, okay, you want to do this action?
(16:33):
But are you okay with that? I felt like through working a 12 step program and just going to therapy,
not on drugs anymore. So my judgment is a lot better. I was like, you know, I wouldn't feel too
(16:53):
could doing this. Like, how would we go about it? I could do it, but it wouldn't have the integrity
behind it. It's kind of thing. And it's like, it's a, it's, I'll say that it's like a, it's not
black and white thing. It's like it in between say, gray matter type thing. It's, it really depends on how
(17:18):
you view things. But I realized that it was ego driven. That if I did this, I would feel good.
And I like feeling good. Who doesn't like feeling good? But it was also, it involves another person.
(17:39):
And so I have to really think about it. And it was a dopamine rush, essentially. Right? Life is going
pretty well. And there's one situation. You can get kind of messy, but I'm kind of like messy.
I think again, it's like me looking for that chaos in life, like that little thing that would give
(18:09):
me dopamine rush, but in the long term, it would not be the best idea. I mean, it could work like this
thing I was going to do it might have benefit. It could work out in my favor, or it couldn't, and it could
potentially harm people involved. And what I, and again, like before I think I'd just go for it,
(18:38):
I'd say fuck it. But I talked to some friends about it. And they said the same thing. And I said, yeah,
you know, I really wouldn't pursue this action because they agreed. And I also told my therapist
(19:01):
about it. And she agreed as well. And it was difficult to make the decision I did. But I'm glad
that I made the right, I feel like I made the right one. Again, I know it sounds so vague and
(19:24):
kind of like what the fuck, but I just, you know, I like podcasting and it's fun, but I feel like
some things, some details should be left out. But the gist of the story, the long short of it is,
I could have pretty much, I had the opportunity to do something, but I chose not to,
(19:49):
because I would feel a type of way about it. I'd feel uncomfortable about my decision if I went
through with it. And this decision was based off of feeling good, the dopamine rush and impulse,
like yeah, fuck it, go for it. You know, a lot of times I do hold back. In the past, I've been told
(20:13):
that I hold back too much sometimes when it comes to these matters. Like, oh, you should have made a move
or so on so you should have done this and done that. Like, I'm not assertive enough. And I'm trying
to find that, that meal ground, right? I don't want to be too assertive where it comes off as aggressive,
(20:37):
but I also don't want to be too passive thinking like, damn, I really could have, I should have made
a move or I should have done this and now this opportunity has passed. So navigating that can be
difficult. I've definitely been tempted to send certain texts, certain messages, but I'm like,
(21:02):
you know, I don't know if that's the right move type of thing, you know. And yeah, that's, that was my
little issue this past week. It's just dealing with impulse. I've been a lot better with it.
(21:25):
Recognizing, okay, why do you want to do this? Oh, because I feel stressed out, where I feel bored.
Okay, do we have to? We can just sit on it or do something. I think distractions kind of like,
it's like a word that has negative connotation. We're not necessarily for me at least.
(21:53):
Sometimes, I'm like, I get home and I'm tired. I want to do shit because I'm so drained. I feel like
I deserve to do something. I go out, spend more money and stuff of that nature. What I did was,
I started playing video games and they kind of helped me channel that impulse, right? That feel
(22:18):
good. I feel good right away playing Street Fighter 6. My main is, "Cami and Jerry." I really like
those characters. I have a "Cami" tattoo. But back to it, I feel like video games kind of does help me
out. And I don't really play much. I play like an hour, you know, and I'm like, okay, I'm good. This
(22:43):
urge to do something that impulse to spend money or act out other ways. I don't feel it anymore.
And I think that's a really cool thing about video games. For me at least, I do know that,
you know, you can get addicted to anything. You can play video games for a way too long. But for me,
(23:05):
it's been like this thing that helps me with impulse control. Also, I have to be mindful,
like don't buy a bunch of games. Dude, I don't realize how expensive video games are now.
I'm going to do the thing right now. Back in my day, back in my day,
(23:30):
video games were not this expensive. And they didn't come with like DLC content that you got to
pay for the Lux edition. I miss the days of playing games. And being able to unlock hidden characters
(23:52):
or boss characters or some hidden thing based off of being the game in certain conditions.
And not just having to buy them. Right? So I bought Street Fighter 6. I know I'm late. I bought it.
(24:13):
Was it last, I think last week, I'm playing the demo for like months. Had like, you can pick Luke or
Ryu one stage and you can change the difficulty level. So I'm like, you know what? I'm going to buy
Street Fighter 6. But I'm like, dude, okay, there's a standard edition, deluxe edition, and there's
(24:39):
another tier above that. And there's year one pass, year two pass. It was so confusing. I've never
had to do this before. Usually just pick up a game and just play. I'm not even playing online. I'm just
playing offline. I know to play online, you got to pay another X amount of money. I think I'm going
(25:03):
to get an online account soon. I'm just going to get the basic $10 one. And yeah. So I got to be mindful
too of like, okay, do I really need to buy this game right now? Like, low key I want to buy the
Yaw Blow 4. That's also expensive as hell too. So I'm like, you know, I'm going to focus on this. I have
(25:29):
Bloodborne. I got Street Fighter 6. I got Final Fantasy 7. I got Devil May Cry 5. Currently I'm
playing between Bloodborne and Street Fighter 6. Bloodborne is hard as hell. So like Street Fighter 6
gives me that instant gratification. So it's been like a outlet playing video games. I don't have to
(25:57):
play for a long time. It's just playing for like an hour. And then I get kind of tired of it. I'm
all right. Cool set. Also to just mentioning out there 80s. Do you tend to forget things? Do it on my
calendar? On my computer? I said, okay, I have a psychiatrist appointment. I had one last Friday.
(26:24):
Totally missed it. Last Friday, I said, you know, it's a day off. Take a day. Got nothing to do.
I'm going to get Filipino food. After that, I took a nap. After that, I got, notice I got a voice
mill. And it was my psychiatrist. I'm like, oh shit, I totally forgot. I never forget, but it's like
(26:51):
the first time I did. And usually I'd feel about it. And I still do feel about it. But what I'm learning
through therapy and just giving yourself grace, especially with ADHD is sometimes you'll forget things.
And that's okay. I'm beating myself up less over mistakes I made. I still do.
(27:16):
And I'm also learning that, you know, this dopamine thing, right? Sometimes everything is good.
And my brain just decides to lock in focus on something in my past that was traumatic or just
embarrassing or maybe feels a type of way, something like that. And then I get going. Like, I get angry,
(27:44):
frustrated, just while I'm at work, just putting stuff away. It happens a lot. And I told my therapist
this and she said, okay, well, it seems like, you know, it does happen frequently. Sometimes with ADHD,
your brain does this and you do get some sort of dopamine release out of it.
(28:11):
And like, yeah, I guess you're kind of right. I do feel like I feel an emotion and sometimes
anger, some dopamine comes out and it sucks. It sucks. I mean, I just hate it where I'm just like,
my own business, just everything is good and bam, a thought comes up or I see something on social
(28:35):
media or I think of something. I think of a time when I saw something on social media, how it makes
you feel and I get upset. And I'm just learning to just try to stay focused as I count the task.
But I will say it's me up sometimes, man, but I'm just part of it. And that's what it's like
(28:58):
my experience with ADHD. I'm not medicated for it. I don't think I can get at it all. I don't really
want to know. I don't know. I might relapse because probably feels good to stimulant. I know there
are other ADHD medication, but I feel like right now I've been able to manage it without it.
(29:27):
I'm not discouraging ADHD meds. I think if you feel like you really need it or your ADHD is becoming
really unmanageable and you try therapy and it's not working, you just need that little extra
support from ADHD medication. Go for it. Why make it harder? Why make it harder?
(29:54):
If you're doing therapy, if you're doing the work and you just need that little extra support from
meds, go for it. There's no badge of honor like I can raw dog get. I think it can be cool, but
if you're really struggling, really struggling, it's okay to get a medication. For me, I'm able to
(30:20):
manage it. It's not as bad I guess, but other people's experience with ADHD can be different.
I mean, I take well butren for depression. They say it helps with ADHD, but I'm like, I don't know,
(30:41):
man. I don't know. Maybe in higher doses, but I'm cool with my dose. So I think that is it for today.
I hope you all have a good rest of your Monday. I hope your shift goes well. I hope your
class goes well. Whatever you're doing goes well. Even just chilling at home. Every day goes well.
(31:05):
Take care and I will see you next Monday with a new episode. Take care.
Hey there! My name is Vaughn and this is the Vaughncast Show. This is a podcast that focuses on
(00:08):
mental health, breaking societal stigmas, harm reduction, addiction and recovery. If you like what
you hear, subscribe and leave a review on Spotify and Apple Podcast. Also, follow the podcast
Instagram @thevaughncastshow where I post video content from the show. All right, let's get into
(00:33):
today's episode. Hey there, welcome to the Vaughncast Show. Happy Monday. Hope everybody is doing well
today and hope you had a good weekend. Today is a solo episode. I took a break last week from doing
a new episode. I was out of town. I had Easter with some family in the Bay Area, which is pretty
(01:01):
cool. I haven't been back up there in a while. So that was pretty nice. And it was cool. It's
cool to see family. And so today it is a solo episode. Kind of like talk about what's been going on.
This past week meant to health wise. So this is going to be like a topic about ADHD and how managing it
(01:29):
and dealing with it. So I've been doing therapy. It's been going well. And I'm starting to see
the positive outcome of going to therapy on a regular basis.
And I just really wish that therapy was more accessible and more affordable. I only have it because
(01:55):
I have insurance and my insurance covers the sessions. I get a bill like every month.
And I see how much it costs. And I'm like, "Dude, this is insane." And
(02:16):
I'm just really glad that I have insurance because I would not be able to afford therapy
on a regular weekly basis if I didn't. And it's done a lot of wonders for me. It's done great.
And I just wish it was more accessible and affordable for everybody. You know, I wonder what our
(02:40):
society would be like if therapy was more accessible and affordable for everybody. I feel like a lot of us,
us, I'm talking to as adults, you're probably an adult if you're listening to this podcast,
if you're not cool. Hi. But yeah, I just feel like, you know, a lot of us adults carry trauma from
(03:09):
childhood and that manifests into different things. And we tend to act out on it.
Some of us, maybe not so much, but some of us, you know, we do, it does really affect our lives,
our personal life, our work life, our relationships. And some of us even get in trouble by the law,
(03:37):
not saying that, you know, that excuses it. But a lot of stuff does stem from our past or younger.
And what's great about therapy is that it can help us kind of figure it out, see where it all started.
Not saying that therapy is essential. I think you can, there's different ways to go about it. You can
(04:03):
read about it, other things. But I feel like therapy is a way place to start because you're speaking
as somebody who you don't necessarily know. I mean, it's great talking to friends about things.
But it's also nice to get a professional who's unbiased, to get their feedback on what you're going
(04:26):
through in your history. And yeah, I do feel like if we were, if most of us, if more people would go to
therapy, a lot younger or a lot sooner than later, man, a lot of things could be avoided. A lot of
(04:50):
bad decisions, a lot of regrets, and just a lot of a lot of pain that we cause ourselves or that we
cause others. Going back to, you know, myself therapy. It's been helping. So I go to therapy not so much
(05:17):
for drugs and alcohol. I'm pretty good on that front. I go to 12 step meetings, but it does overlap.
Sometimes I, for those who don't know, I have ADHD. I was diagnosed and later in my life about maybe
(05:38):
two and a half, three years ago, it was shortly around the time when I decided to get clean.
So I have previous episodes on ADHD with a couple of therapists. One therapist who I actually
is my current therapist. I've mentioned this in the past, but I met my current therapist on
(06:03):
Instagram threads reached out to her to do a podcast episode. And the podcast episode went so well,
our dialogue about ADHD was pretty cool. I like how she framed it. I liked our chemistry.
(06:26):
And after the podcast session, I asked her, "Hey, you're pretty cool. What insurance do you take?"
Cause I'd be interested in having you as a therapist. So yeah, there are episodes on ADHD.
(06:48):
But for those who are new, pretty much I was diagnosed with ADHD. I'd say about two and a half years ago.
And when I found out, I felt a relief, a sense of relief. Because throughout my life,
there were things that I did or I thought my thought process in doing things was different for my peers.
(07:14):
And I kind of felt like I was stupid. I didn't get it. That I really tried to pay attention
in class, but sometimes it was just harder for me to pay attention, for me to pay attention
compared to other people. I really tried. I constantly misplaced things. And I really tried to keep
(07:43):
them in the same place, remember, but if you learn ADHD has an impact in that. And aside from the
being unable to pay attention, lack of attention, I think that's what CIDC's ADHD has.
Right, or you're super hyper. Another thing that affects is emotional regulation. And also
(08:13):
in pulse IV. I think impulsivity is a definition of it as action without forethought or pretty much
action without thinking of consequences. And some people's impulse issues are different from
others. I'd say there's a spectrum of it. And prior to like getting diagnosed with ADHD,
(08:45):
I found substances early on in my late teens, early adulthood. First, they helped me
feel okay. The alcohol slowed my thoughts down, so did the opiates. And when I was down, when I was
(09:06):
unable to emotionally regulate breakups or you know, frustrating situations in life,
I would take substances mainly uppers and feel good about myself. Because I think our my ADHD
(09:27):
brains are a lot different from neuro-typical brains. Now, over time, that feeling of I got a self-medicate,
it became a habit. And also to ADHD brains, people with ADHD are more susceptible to addiction,
(09:50):
like myself. So at first it was to self-medicate, right? Or it was to do it. Because you know what I
I've mentioned before, it feels good. Not gonna lie. Popping the, you're not lying. Doggids.
It's not just medicine, it just feels fucking good. Straight up, right? I can be honest about that.
(10:13):
But repeating it over time, using it over time, it becomes for me an addiction. Now, I have friends
who partied the same amount as I did, or even more maybe, but they were able to put it down.
They were able to say, "No, I'm good. There'll be times when I'd hit them up or I'd be at a party.
(10:39):
I'm like, "Yo, dude, yo, you want a fucking lying dog? You know, or you want another drink?" And they can say,
"No, I've had enough. I'm good. You can do it." And I'm like, "Yes, more for me, right?" So,
yeah. So that's what it was for me, and it became an addiction. Years down the road,
(11:06):
one-two-and-a-half years ago, I went to a therapist for, because I realized that, "Hey, maybe I have an
issue with my use of substances." And talking to her, interacting with her, she asked me if I've been
diagnosed with ADHD. I said, "No." And she diagnosed me, ran through, like, it took a while,
(11:36):
asking me questions, and turns out I have ADHD. And a lot of things started to make sense.
How I, the way I was, my behavior, my actions, and my thought process. I know earlier I mentioned
(12:03):
about impulse, right? The thing with ADHD brains is that when something feels good, you're going to
want to keep seeking that thing that makes you feel good. And it's because people with ADHD
experience impulsivity because their brainwiring makes delayed gratification,
(12:29):
planning, an emotional regulation, neurologically harder, not because they're choosing to be
impulsive. It's a real brain difference. Now, that, I feel, it doesn't excuse everything, but it's a
reason, right? And it's just harder. It's more difficult. Like, I always wondered why, how come
(12:51):
my friends can put down that drink or turn down this drug easier than I could? Like, we're the same age,
grew up pretty similar. What's the difference? Is it willpower? Am I lacking willpower?
I'm telling you, I like struggled with that. I thought like something was wrong with me.
(13:15):
It's just my brain's, why are different? I had a lot of guilt and shame over that. I felt like
I wasn't strong, minded, and it's not the case.
So, I found out at ADHD, I just felt a relief. Like, okay, this explains a lot.
(13:40):
But also too, I feel like, man, I wish I would have known this a lot sooner because I feel like,
for me, it developed self-esteem issues, right? I don't have good willpower, which means I'm weak,
(14:01):
minded, or I have issues focusing. I can't, I'm not like, as smart as my other peers, in that sense,
at issues with math, I must be stupid. And that doesn't feel very good. So, having ADHD early on,
(14:26):
and not knowing what it was, it definitely caused personal self-esteem issues in my life, right?
I went on for a long time, making how it's done. It's just, my brain just works different. I might not
be good at this, but I'm good at something else. And I'm just like, damn, it's out of no.
(14:52):
But it is what it is. I know now, I found out two and a half years ago, and I'm making progress with it.
Speaking of impulse, man, I'm going to tell you a scenario that happened last week. I really don't
(15:18):
want to go into the details because it's a personal matter, and I don't really want to
really talk about it because it involves other people. But pretty much, last week, I'm, there's a
situation came up. A situation where I could have acted out on this because I thought justified to do so.
(15:45):
It's not drugs, so I could do it. And this opportunity came up. And I thought about the situation.
I'm like, you know, I could really go for this. I could really act, I can play a part in the situation
(16:08):
if I wanted to. And, you know, again, I felt like I was okay to do so. But at the same time, I didn't.
I was able to really think about the situation. I told myself, okay, you want to do this action?
(16:33):
But are you okay with that? I felt like through working a 12 step program and just going to therapy,
not on drugs anymore. So my judgment is a lot better. I was like, you know, I wouldn't feel too
(16:53):
could doing this. Like, how would we go about it? I could do it, but it wouldn't have the integrity
behind it. It's kind of thing. And it's like, it's a, it's, I'll say that it's like a, it's not
black and white thing. It's like it in between say, gray matter type thing. It's, it really depends on how
(17:18):
you view things. But I realized that it was ego driven. That if I did this, I would feel good.
And I like feeling good. Who doesn't like feeling good? But it was also, it involves another person.
(17:39):
And so I have to really think about it. And it was a dopamine rush, essentially. Right? Life is going
pretty well. And there's one situation. You can get kind of messy, but I'm kind of like messy.
I think again, it's like me looking for that chaos in life, like that little thing that would give
(18:09):
me dopamine rush, but in the long term, it would not be the best idea. I mean, it could work like this
thing I was going to do it might have benefit. It could work out in my favor, or it couldn't, and it could
potentially harm people involved. And what I, and again, like before I think I'd just go for it,
(18:38):
I'd say fuck it. But I talked to some friends about it. And they said the same thing. And I said, yeah,
you know, I really wouldn't pursue this action because they agreed. And I also told my therapist
(19:01):
about it. And she agreed as well. And it was difficult to make the decision I did. But I'm glad
that I made the right, I feel like I made the right one. Again, I know it sounds so vague and
(19:24):
kind of like what the fuck, but I just, you know, I like podcasting and it's fun, but I feel like
some things, some details should be left out. But the gist of the story, the long short of it is,
I could have pretty much, I had the opportunity to do something, but I chose not to,
(19:49):
because I would feel a type of way about it. I'd feel uncomfortable about my decision if I went
through with it. And this decision was based off of feeling good, the dopamine rush and impulse,
like yeah, fuck it, go for it. You know, a lot of times I do hold back. In the past, I've been told
(20:13):
that I hold back too much sometimes when it comes to these matters. Like, oh, you should have made a move
or so on so you should have done this and done that. Like, I'm not assertive enough. And I'm trying
to find that, that meal ground, right? I don't want to be too assertive where it comes off as aggressive,
(20:37):
but I also don't want to be too passive thinking like, damn, I really could have, I should have made
a move or I should have done this and now this opportunity has passed. So navigating that can be
difficult. I've definitely been tempted to send certain texts, certain messages, but I'm like,
(21:02):
you know, I don't know if that's the right move type of thing, you know. And yeah, that's, that was my
little issue this past week. It's just dealing with impulse. I've been a lot better with it.
(21:25):
Recognizing, okay, why do you want to do this? Oh, because I feel stressed out, where I feel bored.
Okay, do we have to? We can just sit on it or do something. I think distractions kind of like,
it's like a word that has negative connotation. We're not necessarily for me at least.
(21:53):
Sometimes, I'm like, I get home and I'm tired. I want to do shit because I'm so drained. I feel like
I deserve to do something. I go out, spend more money and stuff of that nature. What I did was,
I started playing video games and they kind of helped me channel that impulse, right? That feel
(22:18):
good. I feel good right away playing Street Fighter 6. My main is, "Cami and Jerry." I really like
those characters. I have a "Cami" tattoo. But back to it, I feel like video games kind of does help me
out. And I don't really play much. I play like an hour, you know, and I'm like, okay, I'm good. This
(22:43):
urge to do something that impulse to spend money or act out other ways. I don't feel it anymore.
And I think that's a really cool thing about video games. For me at least, I do know that,
you know, you can get addicted to anything. You can play video games for a way too long. But for me,
(23:05):
it's been like this thing that helps me with impulse control. Also, I have to be mindful,
like don't buy a bunch of games. Dude, I don't realize how expensive video games are now.
I'm going to do the thing right now. Back in my day, back in my day,
(23:30):
video games were not this expensive. And they didn't come with like DLC content that you got to
pay for the Lux edition. I miss the days of playing games. And being able to unlock hidden characters
(23:52):
or boss characters or some hidden thing based off of being the game in certain conditions.
And not just having to buy them. Right? So I bought Street Fighter 6. I know I'm late. I bought it.
(24:13):
Was it last, I think last week, I'm playing the demo for like months. Had like, you can pick Luke or
Ryu one stage and you can change the difficulty level. So I'm like, you know what? I'm going to buy
Street Fighter 6. But I'm like, dude, okay, there's a standard edition, deluxe edition, and there's
(24:39):
another tier above that. And there's year one pass, year two pass. It was so confusing. I've never
had to do this before. Usually just pick up a game and just play. I'm not even playing online. I'm just
playing offline. I know to play online, you got to pay another X amount of money. I think I'm going
(25:03):
to get an online account soon. I'm just going to get the basic $10 one. And yeah. So I got to be mindful
too of like, okay, do I really need to buy this game right now? Like, low key I want to buy the
Yaw Blow 4. That's also expensive as hell too. So I'm like, you know, I'm going to focus on this. I have
(25:29):
Bloodborne. I got Street Fighter 6. I got Final Fantasy 7. I got Devil May Cry 5. Currently I'm
playing between Bloodborne and Street Fighter 6. Bloodborne is hard as hell. So like Street Fighter 6
gives me that instant gratification. So it's been like a outlet playing video games. I don't have to
(25:57):
play for a long time. It's just playing for like an hour. And then I get kind of tired of it. I'm
all right. Cool set. Also to just mentioning out there 80s. Do you tend to forget things? Do it on my
calendar? On my computer? I said, okay, I have a psychiatrist appointment. I had one last Friday.
(26:24):
Totally missed it. Last Friday, I said, you know, it's a day off. Take a day. Got nothing to do.
I'm going to get Filipino food. After that, I took a nap. After that, I got, notice I got a voice
mill. And it was my psychiatrist. I'm like, oh shit, I totally forgot. I never forget, but it's like
(26:51):
the first time I did. And usually I'd feel about it. And I still do feel about it. But what I'm learning
through therapy and just giving yourself grace, especially with ADHD is sometimes you'll forget things.
And that's okay. I'm beating myself up less over mistakes I made. I still do.
(27:16):
And I'm also learning that, you know, this dopamine thing, right? Sometimes everything is good.
And my brain just decides to lock in focus on something in my past that was traumatic or just
embarrassing or maybe feels a type of way, something like that. And then I get going. Like, I get angry,
(27:44):
frustrated, just while I'm at work, just putting stuff away. It happens a lot. And I told my therapist
this and she said, okay, well, it seems like, you know, it does happen frequently. Sometimes with ADHD,
your brain does this and you do get some sort of dopamine release out of it.
(28:11):
And like, yeah, I guess you're kind of right. I do feel like I feel an emotion and sometimes
anger, some dopamine comes out and it sucks. It sucks. I mean, I just hate it where I'm just like,
my own business, just everything is good and bam, a thought comes up or I see something on social
(28:35):
media or I think of something. I think of a time when I saw something on social media, how it makes
you feel and I get upset. And I'm just learning to just try to stay focused as I count the task.
But I will say it's me up sometimes, man, but I'm just part of it. And that's what it's like
(28:58):
my experience with ADHD. I'm not medicated for it. I don't think I can get at it all. I don't really
want to know. I don't know. I might relapse because probably feels good to stimulant. I know there
are other ADHD medication, but I feel like right now I've been able to manage it without it.
(29:27):
I'm not discouraging ADHD meds. I think if you feel like you really need it or your ADHD is becoming
really unmanageable and you try therapy and it's not working, you just need that little extra
support from ADHD medication. Go for it. Why make it harder? Why make it harder?
(29:54):
If you're doing therapy, if you're doing the work and you just need that little extra support from
meds, go for it. There's no badge of honor like I can raw dog get. I think it can be cool, but
if you're really struggling, really struggling, it's okay to get a medication. For me, I'm able to
(30:20):
manage it. It's not as bad I guess, but other people's experience with ADHD can be different.
I mean, I take well butren for depression. They say it helps with ADHD, but I'm like, I don't know,
(30:41):
man. I don't know. Maybe in higher doses, but I'm cool with my dose. So I think that is it for today.
I hope you all have a good rest of your Monday. I hope your shift goes well. I hope your
class goes well. Whatever you're doing goes well. Even just chilling at home. Every day goes well.
(31:05):
Take care and I will see you next Monday with a new episode. Take care.
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