Fart Camouflage - THU 8.2

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
An American skier who competed for the Chinese Communists in
the Olympics, has been injured in a very terrible training accident.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Oh what a shame.

Speaker 1 (00:10):
The thing that's so odd about this is when I
say an America, it's a girl.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yeah, I mean, I shouldn't feel so happy about it.
Then have you ever looked at her? She's like a
I don't know. At first I heard of who is it?

Speaker 1 (00:21):
I think they said she her name is Eileen Ju
or Gu or whatever. She's like, she's she's got an
Asian name.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
But I'm gonna go with Goo.

Speaker 1 (00:28):
Whenever I see a whenever I see a picture of her,
she always looks like a blonde, white lady to me.
But they say she's Chinese, So I don't, Well, who
are we to tell him she's not Chinese? You could
be whatever you want.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
It's the nineties. Yeah, crime is so bad in Indiana
they had to cancel Oh yeah, okay, crime is pretty bad.
How bad is it? Thank you? They had to cancel
school on Tuesday, really for the whole district.

Speaker 3 (00:55):
Really in what part of Indiana was.

Speaker 2 (00:57):
I don't know. I don't know parts of Indiana. It's
the state where they got Gary schools and stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
There's basically northwest Indiana. There's Indianapolis, but Northwest indiana'd be
like the poor part of Chicago. Indianapolis is just another
crappy it's a little mini Chicago.

Speaker 2 (01:12):
And then there's the folks that wrote this new story.
Would would have told me so I could satisfy your curiosity.
But it just says a school district in Indiana. I
believe it, and I got nothing else that it makes
up up?

Speaker 1 (01:25):
If it make you happy, I mean honestly, Yeah, give
it a funny name or something.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
Name your favorite place in Indiana.

Speaker 1 (01:30):
Oh God, that's a tough one, is it? Where Bob
and Tom's studio at They seem like nice enough guys.
You you you could put that on in the background
when your mom's in the car and she won't get offended,
like she would buy this radio show.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
Don't you always have to ask yourself? What the hell
are they laughing at? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:46):
I don't gid it either, Like no one told a joke.
Why are you guys all laughing?

Speaker 2 (01:49):
And the school district was forced to cancel school Tuesday.
It was the fifth day of the year. It's only
five days old. And they already had to cancel school
because thieves or a thief probably I'm guessing a crew
stole the catalytic converters off of twenty school buses overnight

(02:12):
and they couldn't go pick up the kiddos. That's pretty bad.
I don't know how much you get for a catalytic
converter off of a school bus, but I'm guessing it
was worth their time. Big business, not just in Indiana.
The district didn't say if the police have any leads yet,
no word on any arrest yet. Elseo didn't say anything

(02:35):
about their security at the bus barn or maybe it'd
be a good idea to maybe have some security from
now on. They did try virtual classes for a couple
of days, but school has reopened this morning. Doesn't that
make you feel good?

Speaker 3 (02:51):
You know?

Speaker 1 (02:52):
As a kid in that town, I had imagine they've
missed a lot of school because it's snow days. But
now we've given them a reason to go out and
get involved in crime sprees.

Speaker 2 (02:59):
Because I went to school with kids that I think
would have done that themselves. If they don't, it would
have canceled school. Guys, after school, I know we were
all thinking about trying out for a debate club.

Speaker 1 (03:10):
But if we just steal enough cars, we'll get the
rest of the week offs. We yeah, start with the
principals car. It's like a Ford festiva. They don't pay
these people anything.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
They just took the catalytic converters and to steal the buses. Kidy, well,
make a lot of sense.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
I guess Indianapolis is the catalytic converter resale capital of
the state of Indiana.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
Well, that's that's probably where it happened. Yeah, we make
a lot of That's where it would.

Speaker 1 (03:34):
Yeah. Anyway, radioactive shrimp, that's the thing today and we
don't know what to do about it.

Speaker 2 (03:37):
Also, hazy IPAs, it's a hazy ipa day.

Speaker 1 (03:42):
I I like the way the hazy ones. I don't
like the piney IPAs. But the problem with any ip
as it just makes me fart all day long, Like,
oh no, it's just a Dutch of it. If I
go to bed at night with Milton, the two of
us in there, and I had a beer for dinner,
forget it, dude, there's no way.

Speaker 2 (03:57):
Any woman's going to want to spend the night in
that bedroom. But doesn't everything make him fart soll uh.
I think that's only fair.

Speaker 1 (04:04):
The problem is, if I fart a little and I
have Milton there, I could blame it on my French bulldog.

Speaker 2 (04:08):
If I fart a lot, And if you're by yourself,
why are you blaming anybody? You just literal rip. I
got that dog for fart camouflage. Milton Friedman, gentlemen, single
man of the world. Let me teach you a secret.
All right, get a French bulldog. Women think they're adorable.
He's like a babe magnet. Let's start off with that.
Second of all, when you start farting, just point at
the dog. Damn dog, she'll believe it.

Speaker 1 (04:30):
The problem is, if you're fighting a lot and he's
fighting a lot, then she's not gonna believe you.

Speaker 2 (04:34):
Well, no, she'll be passed out.

Speaker 1 (04:35):
Probably the only way to get around that is if
you eat dog food, then you fart and it smells
like dog food, she'll know it wasn't you, because why
would a human eat dog food?

Speaker 2 (04:42):
Yeah, and I don't know what this is gonna do
to their gastrointestinal system, but dog ozimpic, you know, is
coming our way. I don't believe it.

Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yes, of all the times you've ever told me a
crazy news story, I believe this one the least.

Speaker 2 (04:56):
I'm afraid it's there's too many people out there that
are not You know, you're supposed to take your dog
for walks, You're supposed to give them active You're supposed
to give them, you know, healthy food. Four dogs. You're
not supposed to give them human food since you people
won't do it right. You found it, didn't you? In

(05:19):
the photio obesity crisis extends beyond humans, and about sixty
percent of dogs in this country are overweight.

Speaker 1 (05:28):
In the photo that they have in the New York Post,
there's a chubby pug and then he's overweight and he
clearly can't breathe. Do you understand the dog can't buy food?
The dog is not on door deck exactly. Your dog
is only fat because you made it fat.

Speaker 2 (05:45):
Yeah, But when they look at you and you're eating
amburger or something, they walt some. I mean, who can resist?

Speaker 1 (05:52):
Earlier this year, I was briefly remember the girl that
would use me to get revenge on her ex boyfriend
to make him jealous, and then she dumped me as
soon as that was over with Which one of them?

Speaker 2 (06:00):
The one describes several. The one with the pig ends
the one from earlier. Remember Billy D here, Billy D
knows the story. I don't know it. It's okay.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
Earlier this year, Shine, she had an overweight Boston Terrier,
I mean it was really fat. And she's like, how
do you keep your dog so thin and trim? I
was like, well, I feed him once a day and
then I just give him dog trees. She's like, how
many dog treats you give him at a time? I
said one? How many do you give your dog a box?

Speaker 2 (06:23):
That was it.

Speaker 1 (06:23):
She's like, I just feed him till he stops. You
can't stop feeding them. Boston Terriers, fresh bulldogs, boxers, pugs,
any of those smushy faced dogs will just eat until
they puke. They'll wait twenty seconds, they'll eat the puke.
Then they'll eat the puke. That's right, that's right. And honestly,
I don't really mind if he eats the puke. I
don't want it on the on the floor, right, Clean
that up? Yeah you made the mess, you clean it up. Yeah,

(06:43):
there's a lot of good protein in there, you know.
But anyway, but don't let your dog eat until he pukes.
That's that's what I'm gonna do.

Speaker 2 (06:49):
So a couple of these medical companies are partnering up
to develop something called OKV one nineteen, a long acting
implant designed to support weight loss in dogs and cats.
It's like a tracking chip, which they've already got an
implant for. Hopefully you've chipped your your pets.

Speaker 3 (07:05):
Wait, hang on, I have to play the chubby dog
music while you explain this. Okay, go ahead, that's funny. Thanks,
you're saying God.

Speaker 2 (07:16):
Similar to Simba, glue, tide and some others, the active
ingredients in the human drugs like the wigobi anyway, this
dog treatment initiates a hormone which helps decrease appetite and
increases the feelings of fullness. Wow. So now you can

(07:37):
give them all the treats you want and give them
cheeseburgers for dinner and then just put them on a
pill or in this case, a chip, and you know
they'll still be unhealthy, but they'll look slimmer.

Speaker 1 (07:50):
Or instead of paying an absurd amount of money for
weight wash drugs, you could just feed your dog lass often.
And since he has no access to food outside of
what you give him, that problem will solve itself in
like a month, wouldn't it?

Speaker 2 (08:01):
Or think about this, What if you took your dog
on regular walks, you'd both lose weight?

Speaker 1 (08:07):
Billy, What was it they used to always say? Do
something last, do something else more? How did that go
something about?

Speaker 2 (08:14):
Uh? Was it? Move around less? No? Eating more? No? No? No? No?
What is heat less? Move around more? That's it? Yeah,
let's try that with dogs. You could do that with dogs.
Who know what. I don't like gay people, I don't
like Muslims, I don't like abortions, I don't like anything liberals.

(08:35):
But I really like to get along with people called
the Juba, Jabb Walton and Johnson.

Speaker 3 (08:40):
If you like gingered haired rock bands.

Speaker 1 (08:42):
Frontman Dave Mustain of Megadeath says they're a farewell tour
and final album there happening. There's so many musicians that
have come to the end of their career, whether accidental
or intentional, says Dave. Most of them don't get to
go out of their own on their own, on their
own terms on top, he says. And That's where I'm
at in my life right now, and I hate to
be the one to pop the bubble for him. Here

(09:04):
but if Megadeth thinks they're on top right now, well
then on top of it with their fans, you know. Yeah, Okay,
look I love Megadath. I love that band.

Speaker 2 (09:17):
How old?

Speaker 1 (09:17):
How old a fella is hem I could find out
real quick.

Speaker 2 (09:21):
I mean he's retiring, so I'm assuming he's sixty five
or over sixty three. I mean, for what's he retired for?
And then to retirement age is like sixty seven or
eighty two or something. Now they moved it.

Speaker 1 (09:33):
The conventional wisdom would tell you that, like heavy metal
guys don't have a long career, but I think Ozzy
Osbourne put that one to bed.

Speaker 2 (09:40):
Meet the real me and my Misfits way life.

Speaker 1 (09:45):
I'm gonna talk Meavus or both. Heead No, they were
talking like Dave Misdaine. I'm gonna do dad you rest
of this show. I'm gonna talk to Dave Misting.

Speaker 2 (09:54):
Oh yeah, i'd recommend you not.

Speaker 3 (09:57):
Billiard Hadfield leaves it.

Speaker 2 (09:58):
I don't recommend it one more time before I have
to just go off on you.

Speaker 3 (10:05):
It is a Jim Dick.

Speaker 2 (10:06):
You're you're bouncing.

Speaker 3 (10:08):
I grew up listening to Megadeth.

Speaker 1 (10:11):
Okay, I mean Honestly, some of the greatest moments of
my youth, my pubescent years were spent watching Beavis and
butt Head watched this music video.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Dave Mustaine didn't start out with Mega Death, as you know.
He started out at the same time the Walton Johnson
Show started out in nineteen eighty three, and he was
in a band called Metallica. And he's already quitting. We're
just getting going good here.

Speaker 1 (10:36):
Dave mus Dane is a great example of how if
you're told you can't do something. They kicked him out
of Metallica, they told him he socked, he was a mess,
he'd never amount to anything, and then he created a
rock heavy metal band that was almost as good as theirs.

Speaker 2 (10:50):
I say as good as not that I'd listened to
any of it, but I've heard not as good as
a Metallica. All right, if we're telling the story on
it from the perspective of heavy metal fans, Megadeth and
Metallica are as good.

Speaker 1 (11:04):
The difference is Megadeth did not sell out. Metallica had
two albums that hardcore Metallica album fans loathe. They're called
Load and Reload. Load and Reload are what happened when
they cut their hair and tried to sound like Nickelback.

Speaker 2 (11:17):
The problem is, shouldn't do that.

Speaker 1 (11:19):
Those two albums were massively successful. Every song on them
was a hit on the radio. Is like, you couldn't
turn on the radio for a decade, and on rock
radio at least, and not hear something off load or reload.
And do I need to tell the story of how
they made the album covers for those two albums.

Speaker 2 (11:35):
Yeah, you're probably gonna have to, cause I don't know.

Speaker 1 (11:38):
A guy took two glass slides, transparent glass slides, and
he bled all over it, and then he took another
kind of bodily fluid and he mixed that in as well,
and he I'm.

Speaker 2 (11:48):
Gonna suggest maybe we don't tell the story. With all
the bodily fluids in it, it could have been saliva.
I didn't explain what it was.

Speaker 1 (11:55):
And he jammed the two glass things together, put a
camera up to it and took a photo and it
looked like fire, but it.

Speaker 2 (12:01):
Was a far fire.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
Yeah, back to Beavis and butthead there you go. Actually, yeah,
you're right. I don't know why I keep doing that unintentionally.

Speaker 2 (12:07):
We are officially two weeks away from the opening game
of the opening week of the NFL. Yeah, which means
we're only one week away from college football. Nice. That's
gonna be fun right there, That's gonna be great. Yeah.
I'm just still a little sore over that whole NFL

(12:28):
thing from what six seven, eight years ago?

Speaker 1 (12:30):
Now, every year i've known you, right around this time,
you start talking about tickets to things. You're gonna go
see LSU play Oklahoma. You're gonna the thing you're looking
forward to three months from now.

Speaker 2 (12:39):
And Aggie's and Longhorns back at each other again like
in the olden days. Man, that's cool too. That hasn't
happened in what decades? Been a while, Been a while? Yeah,
I can't remember. You're gonna go might Yeah, pretty good chance.
Somebody invites me, I'll be going. Let me let me
ask you a question.

Speaker 1 (12:55):
Oh so you're waiting if the Aggies play the long
Horns and during the halftime Sho George Strait comes out
and does a concert.

Speaker 3 (13:03):
Is that when Texas will finally seceed the Union.

Speaker 2 (13:07):
Or actually just becomes more bigger than America itself?

Speaker 1 (13:12):
Right, what kind of like Texas exceptionalism would we experience
in that moment when George Strait takes the stage, which
I have no idea if this is actually happening. Yeah,
during the halftime show, they bring out the marching band
and you know, just for old time's sake, like just
to keep with tradition of the Longhorns, maybe they have
a minstrel show or something.

Speaker 3 (13:30):
What when that a thing they did back in the day.

Speaker 2 (13:32):
During then he let's leave the ladies out of this. Okay,
that's not important. It's not me. I'm not the one
that did it. Is that what that means? Mince stroll
not mint? Never mind, most of all of this conversation
should probably be stricken from the record. Look, I'm not
the one that did it. Luckily I wasn't even here today.

Speaker 3 (13:51):
I didn't have a menstruation show during a halftime.

Speaker 2 (13:53):
And I don't think you ought to. And I never
like telling them about them album covers and stuff. But
he needs to hear there.

Speaker 3 (13:59):
I'm against it, you know, that's I think that's I.

Speaker 2 (14:01):
Never remember the time the bands that because Aggies and
Longhorns has been a tradition going back over one hundred
years and on the one hundredth playing of the game,
and it was in Austin. I remember it well because
they're in the stands. The Aggies and the Longhorns at
halftime had the bands out on the field, you know,

(14:22):
the the you know, the fighting Aggie band, Boom boo boom,
get out there and do all this stuff. And the
Longhorn band came out and they said, this is a
once in a lifetime event, the one hundredth anniversary of
the Longhorns and the Aggies rivalry in football, and so
this one and one time only, both bands took the

(14:43):
field at the same time, a show of unity and
you know, sticking together. Now there may be rivals, but
we're still working together, you know, for the greatness. And
the bands started fighting each other. It was just so perfect.
I loved it.

Speaker 3 (15:01):
That is kind of like a great moment in Texas
history right there.

Speaker 2 (15:04):
Yeah, one of the guys, you know, the guy that
walks out with the big stick and leads the band what.

Speaker 3 (15:09):
They call it, a marching band guy and leader.

Speaker 2 (15:11):
Sure, Yeah, he had his big stick out like this,
and one of the Aggi guys had a flag. I
think he had the G. One of the g's. Well
this age, you know, everybody's got a letter like for
the Mercedes g wagon, got it, don't all? Uh? And
so he has a flag pole and the marching band
guy's got his marching band thinking the aggie's got him
with flag balls like three times as long, and he's

(15:33):
like coming at you like he's a bullfighter. Man. Here's fun.
That's a good time right there. You know. The best
part of that is you don't normally see nerds fight.
You know. Well, the players were taking the field at
that time too, because it was time for them to
get back out after the halftime. And I think what
started it. Uh. I'm not saying that it was an
aggie that did it, but one of the guys and

(15:53):
one of the team's bands tried to trip one of
the other team's football players when he ran back out
onto the field. And eh, after that, I don't really
remember because it was just they were all over each other. Boy. Wow,
that's crazy. That's one of the greatest rivalries of all time,
like Israel and Palestiner very much, or Shreveport in Boser,

(16:14):
you know, because we don't know who started it exactly,
but the other side we'll always say it was them.
But it was a very great moment in Texas exceptionalism. Oh,
maybe they'll kick it in again for that This year.
I'd like to see the bands fight again. That'd be
of course, they won't let them on the field at
the same time. No more the Aggies versus the Longhorns.
That'd be almost as great as like Houston versus Dallas
in the super Bowl. You know what I mean? An

(16:35):
All Texas super Bowl. Huh, I forget what comes next.
Although I guess if we root for the Texans, it
doesn't mean we'd have to stop rooting for the Cowboys. Well,
they are in different conferences, so it'd only be a
problem if they played in the super Bowl. In All

(16:56):
Texas Super Bowl, his will be done Walden and Johnson,