Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hearing the poem was a little different back then. Back
then men and women used to hang out there, and
now it's not men or women. Oh wasn't that from already?
Oh I'm totally surprised. This really took me from behind.
It's time for you to be taken from behind. It's
(00:20):
mister Kenneth's celebrity birthday segment. Go ahead, and mister Kenneth, Well,
the exciting news is it's Klanni's birthday. She's thirty. You
know she sings a good life from the Fate of
the Furious soundtrack. Bro, you've got to pick celebrities we've
heard of. You can't lead with a thing if I
have to google it and then no, well then Kelly
(00:42):
Clarkson it is you demand it? I give it. Okay,
Well she's famous. I'm not a fan, but that's somebody.
She's forty three. Sasha Buris is forty four. It's Tracy
from the Hangover movies. It wasn't she married to the
guy that you know, like lost his teeth or something.
(01:03):
I guess. Yeah. Anyway, she's famous because she was in
a popular movie. Cool. No, you don't want about that one,
and you don't care about that. I don't care about
any of the other ones either. I know you don't. Okay,
I'm just gonna skip ahead. Usually it's the older people
that have been around a long time worth getting famous.
Cedric the Entertainer, Now that's an entertainer man, Rest in peace, dude,
(01:27):
he was hilarious. I still love that guy. He's still
with us, he's Oh that was Bernie Mack who died
sixty one. Oh okay, I thought it was Steve Harvey.
I like him too. Is he alive?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
No?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Yes, Steph Harvey's funny bro. Rest in Peace. Steve Harvey,
jumm Honshu, Jumanji, Jimon Hansu is sixty one? What's the uh? Well,
of course he was in Guardians of the Galaxy, Crouching
Tiger Head and Dragon. Uh No, I don't know. Gladiator,
didn't see it, Blood Diamond never heard of it. In
Furious seven Fast to the Furious Is everyone in a
(02:00):
fast in the Furious movie except Metty Much? Yeah? What
was that chick's name? Kilany was the good Life chick?
I found the song. I heart medium pot. Sorry it
has a little intro on it, don't Yeah, we don't
need that. Yeah, Kellerny. I regret playing that. It's a
total waste of our time. Where was I Barbara streisand
I guess must have been right around there. Yeah, she's
eighty three years old today, Okay, Shirley McLain ninety one.
(02:26):
Terms of endearment, that in the Houston area, I guess yeah,
I mean it in the heart of Houston. My mom
loves telling me that. She's like, that's where Jack Nicholson
lived over there. In terms of endearment. Is he in
the movie? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (02:38):
You know.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
My mom's like, you know, he was an astronaut in
that movie. He lives in your city. Have you ever
seen the movie? Like, no, I never saw it. Mom.
She's like, let's drive by his house. Yeah, And you
could drive by any house in the River Oaks area
and that was it right there. It looks different now
because you know they remodeled. Do you think astronauts could
afford to live in those houses? Those houses probably cost
minimum fifteen million dollars? Not then? No, well not not
(03:02):
back then. Not back then, that was the nineties. Yeah,
they were only a million dollars different today is as
we mentioned earlier, National Pigs in a Blanket Day, If
you don't have a blanket, then don't invite any over. Now,
pigs and the blankets are great, But problem is sometimes
people will confuse a kolachi for a pig and a blanket.
They will do that, And honestly, does it really matter
what you call it? If it's delicious, imagine it matters
(03:24):
to the people that sill colachis you know at their store,
wor yeah, you go over and get you one. You
don't think the irs cares when they're looking at you know,
how much money do you make? Anyway? And now it's
time for today. Oh it's also I'm sorry, National pike
at a blanket Day Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day. That's weird
that those are on the same day. Isn't that fun?
And take our sons and daughters to work day, But
we don't want to assume they them anymore. You know,
(03:46):
you take your kids to work the day after Secretary's Day. Oh,
that's weird. How that time? Now, waite? Is that a
thing like you got into trouble? It's not called Secretary's Date?
Administrative Assistants Day, professional assistant, administrator assistant, you know, assist
to the manager or the manager's assistant. Why is it
offensive to college secretary's day? Like somebody? Why? Who cares? What?
(04:08):
It's a day when we remember the people that help
out the executive. I don't understand why that's offensive. Whatever
day happens this day in history, though, it is brought
to you by law Tigers. So that's the important part
right there. Thank god Lawtiger's dot com twenty hundred. Law
Tiger's what year is your first one? Oh? Got to
eighteen hundred, that's what I got to Library of Congress. Yeah, oh,
a library was open to five thousand dollars appropriation. That's exciting. Today.
(04:32):
In eighteen eighty six, petroleum discovered in the Mid East.
That was really the beginning of our problems. Yep. Today,
in eighteen ninety eight, Spain won't withdraw from Cuba and
they declared war on America. Good news is though that
nothing really good came of it. Today. In eighteen forty eight,
Berlin Airlift begins. Survival supplies delivered to the surrounded city
there because you know, yeah, yeah that. Oh. And if
(04:53):
you like Winston Churchill, he was knighted by the Queen
today in nineteen fifty three. All he did was save
his country. And then it took you guys like nine
years to get around at nighting yeah, night him when
he does the first time, A bunch of jerks. Today,
in nineteen sixty one, Kennedy accepts responsibility for the Bay
of Pigs mass Is that why it's a national big
and a blanket? Do pigs in a blanket? That's pretty funny.
(05:14):
Actually it's pigs in a blanket day because because of
the JFKSE scandal. That's awesome. Today. In nineteen eighty eight,
US servicemen died in a failed rescue of Americans held
in Iran, and I think Ben Affleck made a movie
about it. Yeah, and it was called Pearl Harbor. It
was just a term. Was that the one where Jimmy
Carter sent a bunch of people over I am in
(05:36):
the sand. They didn't expect the rotors of the helicopter
to kick up sandstorm, suck it into the engine and
then knock them all out, right, Huh, It'd be a filter,
was something they could look into. That's a great point.
You know you're onto something there. Today. In nineteen eighty one,
the personal computer became a thing thanks to IBM. That's
(05:56):
why IBM is now the biggest company in the world.
They changed the face of computing. Sure today. In nineteen
eighty two, Jane Fonda's first workout video is real to
Jane Fonda, three foot work it Out. Here's a somewhere
(06:17):
in the South, there's an obscure morning radio show that
plays hits from white trash rapper Mickey avalone Jane Fonda.
That's about as obscure and bizarre as it gets today. Kids, Well,
I'm just picturing a lot of ankle warmers. Oh god,
they were big, dude, that's my thing. I love that
eighties aerobics a lot about that Catholic schoolgirl. Look, you
didn't like that. I don't like because it's the kid,
(06:39):
because you're Catholic. No, and I don't like it. No.
And the other thing I don't like is when strippers
dress up like nuns. That always gives me the creep.
Some girl have that on her dating profile, Like, look,
I was a slutty nun. Swipe left and it wasn't
even Halloween. Yeah, I don't want to see slutty nuns.
Get out of here, okay, ew gross, Well you go,
you have my address, right, send them all over. Sure
you can have a slutty nun. You're yeah, you could burden. Hell,
(07:01):
you're gonna go there anyway, take a look at it.
Might as well. I ain't got nothing to worry about,
all right, you got any more historical things? Because I
got something else I wanted to drum on. You go,
I'm tired of it all. No, you're tired of what?
But he's tired of it all? You're okay, relax. You
know it's not like we're going to make you kiss
a woman or anything. All right, So allergy season is here,
and more than sixty million Americans suffer from severe allergies.
(07:22):
Anybody got any Oh yeah, I guess the Midwest gets
it the worst. And if you think allergies suck, way,
don't you hear this parody song? I know spring is.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
From all the gross Just go right up. My nose
looks so nice to that breathe damn your ball and
grass and trees. Oh, I'm a Jean sneeze feels like
I want to die, so I stay inside every spring.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Couzon ibout any allergic sour Smiley Cyrus get it, No,
I don't get it. She's got a song called I
can buy myself flowers. It's supposed to be empowering to
women because they don't have to they don't need a
guy to buy them flowers, bill Y D. But if
you don't buy them flowers, they'll get mad, especially if
you suggest that you're the kind of guy that buys
(08:14):
a lot of flowers. And then you show up on
a date once without flowers, and she's like, where's the flowers?
And I was like, we're at a restaurant. I didn't
think it would be appropriate to bring flowers. You'd have
to sit here, You couldn't put them in a vase.
What would be the point of that. I bring flowers
to your house, you could put them in a vase.
Then we go out on the date. I meet you
at the brunch restaurant. It doesn't make any sense to
bring flowers here. Plus, I'm buying you brunch and mimosas
for all your friends. You want bottomless mimosas and flowers.
(08:36):
Do you you have one of the little holes in
the top of your head like dolphins where you can
breathe through it. Yeah, I don't know how you move
at mouth so much. Yeah, I do. I not suck
in some area for now, and Dan, I do I
have a hole right here in the back of my skull?
How'd you know about that? I think I'm the one
to put it there. The dodger told me, I'm one
of the only people that have had one for this
(08:58):
many years and still survived. It doesn't it's pretty amazing.
They're like, we've never seen anything like it before. Look,
I could poke my brain right here. Watch. I just
wanted to take take a take a breath for a moment.
We could calm down just a little bit and just
remind everyone that People Magazine has spoken, and the law
(09:19):
of the land says, when People Magazine claims it, it
is so okay gone. They have named sixty two. Did
you think I wouldn't go on if you didn't advise
me to go on? I kind of got the impression
he was going to keep setting this up. What did
you guys think? I wasn't even listen. No, Yeah, thanks
a lot, mister Kenneth Billy, I'd got bored. People Magazine
has claimed sixty two year old to me Moore as
(09:42):
the most beautiful person. I'll tell you what, if you
think she's hot, wait till you see Helen Mirren man
Helen Miren. You know what else is hot? A pregnant woman?
And could you imagine a pregnant Helen Mirren, how sexy
that would be. You're not helping, Yeah, trying to bring it,
bring it down a little bit off of the adderall
riddled mind of late. I'm not on adderall. I just
(10:06):
snorted whatever that powder was off the countertop. And isn't
that even sadder? What this is? You in your natural state?
It was just there on the counter. I figured, you know,
someone's got a vacuum it up. Why don't I do
it with my nostrils? What's the big deal? She says.
She used to punish herself to keep in shape, and
now she doesn't have that antagonistic relationship with her body anymore. Says,
(10:31):
I trust when my body tells me it needs something
to eat or it needs something to drink, I listen
to it, and I have a lot less fear. Wow,
these people take this kind of stuff so seriously, don't they?
How old is she's sixty seventy two, right, don't I'm
sure these photos on her are the People magazine World's
most Beautiful. I'm looking at the pictures of her now
(10:52):
that she had been probably, but still she was in
land Man. Did you find her especially beautiful in that show?
I mean for a sixty five year old? Yeah, what
the same thing? You know what? She looks good. Look
at her here at the Oscars. Did you see you're
in the Landman. She's not in it much. No, she's
in it a little bit. I'm not really sure what
(11:12):
her purpose was in the whole show if they took
her out of the whole show, other than to be
upset that her husband has another heart attack in the hostle,
I don't think it mattered at all. This is funny.
She got nominated for an oscar and she took a
photo of herself with the other nominees. So there's beautiful
Demi Moore here. And then what's her name, Zoe whatever
(11:35):
from Lioness. Do you ever watch that? She's a good show.
She got nominated for something. And then the alopecia septum
ring wearing lady from Wicked, each one more beautiful than
the last. I feel like two of these things are
not like the other. One is if I had to
be honest with her face, but it sounds like a
fun comedy. Gobbledy goook, Stay tuned for more. Waltman Johnson,
(12:01):
Honey Bunny, put a mouth on that girl. Back in
the day, you could just do that on the radio.
You could just take a sound bite it from a
foul Mouth movie, take it out, and then you could
sing about eating Scooby snacks. That was a song on
the radio. You know, music really peaked in the nineties. Yeah, yeah, gosh, yeah,
everybody thinks both. Some people think it's still peaking now.
(12:22):
I thought it peaked way back a long time ago.
What like in the fifties or something. Yeah, No, music
was terrible in the fifties. How you figure you aren't
even around? Well, I mean I've listened to I mean
I wouldn't round either. But do look some of these
musicians you idolized back in the mid twentieth century. I
kind of get the impression they were predators, Billy, What
do you mean predators like in the Alien Versus Predator movie. No, no,
(12:43):
like they were bad for kids. But he had money
on aliens or predators. Oh, definitely alien. Yeah, no, predators. Man,
that's they're smarter than the aliens. Yeah, but there's allians
are sneaky, like, you know, like rats, or spiders are sneaky,
but predators got a lot more thinking going on, plus
cool weapons. I don't know. I think the illegal aliens
have Tom Holman outnumbered. Are we talking about the same thing?
(13:04):
I think so okay. Anyway, back in the nineteen fifties,
you could just write a song about pedophilia and everybody
thought it was great. You know, yeah, it was really creepy. Actually,
we'll see what God thirteen, I was thirty one girl.
He wants to marry her. That girl thirteen a church.
(13:30):
I'm the school. She's talking thirteen and she's my cousin
two and ever that against math. One of these days,
we don't don't We don't want to, you know, shoot
people in the heads with twelve gages. That might be
the kind of music them. Them kids that's in jail
now for killing their parents, listen to you know what.
I don't think you should kill your parents. No, you
(13:51):
shouldn't do that, I think frankly, I'm gonna go ahead,
and I'm just gonna say it. It's a bad thing
to do. And if you're on drugs, get off of them.
Don't do drugs kids. Is this a sign of the
future your marriage psychologist reveals the number one sign of
a future separation with a ninety four percent accuracy. If
you want to know whether your marriage is heading to splitsville,
don't science, huh, don't check your partner's phone, check their face.
(14:14):
A one sided mouth raise, that subtle smirk of superiority
might just be the number one red flag for divorce,
according to renowned psychologist doctor John Gottman. You know he's
the founder of the Gotman Institute. Well, of course, he's
also the mastermind one of the most extensive marriage studies
ever conducted. His research found that four nasty little habits, criticism, contempt, defensiveness,
(14:36):
and stonewalling are deemed the four horsemen of the apocalypse
that creates a lack of personal regard and people can
only put up with that for so long when it
comes to doomed relationships. It's not the first time I've
heard of this.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
No.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I also heard about this when I was going through
my divorce, probably from your wife. No, No, it was
right before the divorce. I heard about it from our
marriage counselor. Ah, Now the smirk when he said it. No,
this guy, the guy, our marriage counselor, we saw him
for about a month before the divorce happened. He was
such a creepy weirdo. He used to We'd come in
every week and he would be like, did you think
(15:09):
that he was maybe hoping for a divorce because he was,
you know, hitting on the old lady there. You know
how was the eye ballin her? You know how we
all have a thing that we sort of unintentionally say
all the time, whether we realize it or not. Like
Trump always says, Everyone's talked so many people, like no
one he'd ever seen before, you know how, he always
talks like that. Our marriage counselor would often ask us
(15:31):
this question. He would ask us, He's like, how's the
sex in your marriage? Are you guys still having sex?
He would ask that question a lot, and when we
were nosy, when we weren't getting along, but we were
still having sex, so we'd answer the question. We would
answer the question honestly, and then he would say this
thing that would give me the chills. He would go, oh, good, well,
if there's still some meat on the bone, then I
(15:51):
can work with you, eh. I know he said that
to me about twenty times before I said I need
a quit giving this guy my money. This is not
helping the marriage at all. Like, are you guys still
having sex? Oh, then there's still some meat on the bone.
I think about I thought about him saying that before,
while I was laying in bed at night trying to
go to sleep. Should have reported that guy? I know.
It's like, should I put that on a Yelp review?
(16:12):
Like this guy's going to ask you about your sex
life and then he's going to compare it to meat
on a bone, and you're gonna vomit. It's rather unpleasant,
I know. Yeah. See, you never had to worry about this. No,
I'm not saying I'm smarter than the average bear, but
I've never gotten a divorce. No, I know. You know
(16:32):
why because you never got married. Yeah, well, you know
you're fine. You gays are better than us. Great, you're
exactly You're superior. How does it feel to be better
than the rest of us? I'm used to it. Here's
another story today in the post. God, I love the Post.
Some of the worst news a spouse could find out
is that their partner is cheating on them. One woman
(16:52):
knew and it was about cancer. That's pretty bad news too. Man,
You're right this whole news story just became irrelevant, just
just like that. I don't even care. There's a lot
of your kinds of bad news. No much. Rather he
get cheated on, they get cancer. Oh yeah, you get
cheated on. You can just find another person to date
or marry or have sex with. You have cancer. You
(17:14):
got a whole bit bigger set of problems there. But
vd's also pretty bad, especially if she cheated with somebody
and then brought it home and gave it to you, right,
so now you got both. There is this post on
shit social media yesterday was Gene Simmons, and he wrote
a poem about all the women he had sex with,
and I forgot how it went. It rhymed. It was
really creepy. He's like people asked if I loved all
(17:35):
the girls thirty eight hundred that rocked my world. And
as I'm reading the poem, I'm paraphrasing here. As I'm
reading it, I'm thinking, Man, if any of those women
are reading this post, go get checked for venereal disease
right now. If they're able to steal alive. It's not
an accomplishment to never get ved. But I never did
get VD. I'm really proud of that for some reason.
But my friend who did get But my friend who
(17:57):
did get Ved lies about it and tell those people
he never did. You know, you know what that is?
That is stolen hold in the palace, That is stolen valor.
I never got it. You're stealing that from those of
us I have very few accomplishments. That's the one thing
I've got can be proud of. You're walking around telling
people you never got Ved. What about those of us
that never got Ved? What about me? You know what
(18:18):
I have to It's one last thing I could brag about. Now, well,
I got that going for you. You know what else
I enjoy is when you're on a date with a
girl and she intentionally orders the cheapest thing on the
menu even though she doesn't have to. Why did she
do that to like to let me know, like, it's
not going to be expensive if we it's not a
gold digger we went I totally it's not on the
first date. I recently took a woman to an inexpensive
(18:40):
steakhouse because she said I was going to take her
to the place where women like to go on Instagram
and take their photos. Yea, And she says to me, Oh,
I don't care if we go to one of those places.
I was like, cool, I'm bringing you to the steakhouse
where I take the bros. There you go. It's not
Texas Steakhouse, but it's one of those kinds of places
I want. No, it's the one that's at the corner
of Posto. Can see. Are there any sizzlers left anymore? God?
(19:02):
I hope there are. Oh man, I missed some days.
So we go in there and they've got they've got
on the menu, the wagu, they've got the ribi, they've
got the you know, is it the file at And
she's like, I'll get the sirloin. The sirloin's twenty bucks.
I was like, you don't have to get that. You
can get a good steak. I don't care. She's like, no, no,
it's fine. I'll have the cheap one. I was like, what,
why didn't you just tell her? Yo, we'll split that
(19:25):
and that's back at her court. Now. Can she out
cheap you, because you know that's going to be the thing.
I was like, yeah, fill up on biscuits before the
mail there. No, it's fine, honey, it's great. If we
could keep this whole bill under fifty bucks. That'd be ideal. Well,
because I don't think I'm ever going to see you
again these days, that's a little tough, especially if there
was alcohol evolved. No, there wasn't. That's the thing. And
(19:46):
I don't want to make fun of her for this,
but she one of the it's the second girl I've
ever dated that told me she was in AA. Did
I talk about this on the air? Probably? She said,
she's in AA, and when they're in AA, they love
to tell you about it. And I was like, oh, okay,
you're in AA. That's great. And she's like, I did
get arrested a lot. She's like, don't make me tell
you about it. I was like, you don't have to
tell me about it. She's like, I was on volume
(20:07):
stealing things at a Walmart. I was like, stop, pay
more than enough? Yeah, em my baby. Anyway, modern love,
isn't it great? Uh? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Love?
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Sure? Yeah, let's call it that. Oh I forgot how
we got on this headline, The New York Post reports
my pastor husband cheated on me. Here's why it helped
him get ready for dates with his side chicks. Don't
you Wish You had cancer? After reading that, well, that's
a good woman. The second example was a sign which read,
and I quote I love Vagina, nom nom nom nam.
Her cat was named Vagina. Oh what now? Walton and
(20:43):
Johnson Radio Network
Hearing the poem was a little different back then. Back
then men and women used to hang out there, and
now it's not men or women. Oh wasn't that from already?
Oh I'm totally surprised. This really took me from behind.
It's time for you to be taken from behind. It's
(00:20):
mister Kenneth's celebrity birthday segment. Go ahead, and mister Kenneth, Well,
the exciting news is it's Klanni's birthday. She's thirty. You
know she sings a good life from the Fate of
the Furious soundtrack. Bro, you've got to pick celebrities we've
heard of. You can't lead with a thing if I
have to google it and then no, well then Kelly
(00:42):
Clarkson it is you demand it? I give it. Okay,
Well she's famous. I'm not a fan, but that's somebody.
She's forty three. Sasha Buris is forty four. It's Tracy
from the Hangover movies. It wasn't she married to the
guy that you know, like lost his teeth or something.
(01:03):
I guess. Yeah. Anyway, she's famous because she was in
a popular movie. Cool. No, you don't want about that one,
and you don't care about that. I don't care about
any of the other ones either. I know you don't. Okay,
I'm just gonna skip ahead. Usually it's the older people
that have been around a long time worth getting famous.
Cedric the Entertainer, Now that's an entertainer man, Rest in peace, dude,
(01:27):
he was hilarious. I still love that guy. He's still
with us, he's Oh that was Bernie Mack who died
sixty one. Oh okay, I thought it was Steve Harvey.
I like him too. Is he alive?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
No?
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Yes, Steph Harvey's funny bro. Rest in Peace. Steve Harvey,
jumm Honshu, Jumanji, Jimon Hansu is sixty one? What's the uh? Well,
of course he was in Guardians of the Galaxy, Crouching
Tiger Head and Dragon. Uh No, I don't know. Gladiator,
didn't see it, Blood Diamond never heard of it. In
Furious seven Fast to the Furious Is everyone in a
(02:00):
fast in the Furious movie except Metty Much? Yeah? What
was that chick's name? Kilany was the good Life chick?
I found the song. I heart medium pot. Sorry it
has a little intro on it, don't Yeah, we don't
need that. Yeah, Kellerny. I regret playing that. It's a
total waste of our time. Where was I Barbara streisand
I guess must have been right around there. Yeah, she's
eighty three years old today, Okay, Shirley McLain ninety one.
(02:26):
Terms of endearment, that in the Houston area, I guess yeah,
I mean it in the heart of Houston. My mom
loves telling me that. She's like, that's where Jack Nicholson
lived over there. In terms of endearment. Is he in
the movie? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (02:38):
You know.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
My mom's like, you know, he was an astronaut in
that movie. He lives in your city. Have you ever
seen the movie? Like, no, I never saw it. Mom.
She's like, let's drive by his house. Yeah, And you
could drive by any house in the River Oaks area
and that was it right there. It looks different now
because you know they remodeled. Do you think astronauts could
afford to live in those houses? Those houses probably cost
minimum fifteen million dollars? Not then? No, well not not
(03:02):
back then. Not back then, that was the nineties. Yeah,
they were only a million dollars different today is as
we mentioned earlier, National Pigs in a Blanket Day, If
you don't have a blanket, then don't invite any over. Now,
pigs and the blankets are great, But problem is sometimes
people will confuse a kolachi for a pig and a blanket.
They will do that, And honestly, does it really matter
what you call it? If it's delicious, imagine it matters
(03:24):
to the people that sill colachis you know at their store,
wor yeah, you go over and get you one. You
don't think the irs cares when they're looking at you know,
how much money do you make? Anyway? And now it's
time for today. Oh it's also I'm sorry, National pike
at a blanket Day Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day. That's weird
that those are on the same day. Isn't that fun?
And take our sons and daughters to work day, But
we don't want to assume they them anymore. You know,
(03:46):
you take your kids to work the day after Secretary's Day. Oh,
that's weird. How that time? Now, waite? Is that a
thing like you got into trouble? It's not called Secretary's Date?
Administrative Assistants Day, professional assistant, administrator assistant, you know, assist
to the manager or the manager's assistant. Why is it
offensive to college secretary's day? Like somebody? Why? Who cares? What?
(04:08):
It's a day when we remember the people that help
out the executive. I don't understand why that's offensive. Whatever
day happens this day in history, though, it is brought
to you by law Tigers. So that's the important part
right there. Thank god Lawtiger's dot com twenty hundred. Law
Tiger's what year is your first one? Oh? Got to
eighteen hundred, that's what I got to Library of Congress. Yeah, oh,
a library was open to five thousand dollars appropriation. That's exciting. Today.
(04:32):
In eighteen eighty six, petroleum discovered in the Mid East.
That was really the beginning of our problems. Yep. Today,
in eighteen ninety eight, Spain won't withdraw from Cuba and
they declared war on America. Good news is though that
nothing really good came of it. Today. In eighteen forty eight,
Berlin Airlift begins. Survival supplies delivered to the surrounded city
there because you know, yeah, yeah that. Oh. And if
(04:53):
you like Winston Churchill, he was knighted by the Queen
today in nineteen fifty three. All he did was save
his country. And then it took you guys like nine
years to get around at nighting yeah, night him when
he does the first time, A bunch of jerks. Today,
in nineteen sixty one, Kennedy accepts responsibility for the Bay
of Pigs mass Is that why it's a national big
and a blanket? Do pigs in a blanket? That's pretty funny.
(05:14):
Actually it's pigs in a blanket day because because of
the JFKSE scandal. That's awesome. Today. In nineteen eighty eight,
US servicemen died in a failed rescue of Americans held
in Iran, and I think Ben Affleck made a movie
about it. Yeah, and it was called Pearl Harbor. It
was just a term. Was that the one where Jimmy
Carter sent a bunch of people over I am in
(05:36):
the sand. They didn't expect the rotors of the helicopter
to kick up sandstorm, suck it into the engine and
then knock them all out, right, Huh, It'd be a filter,
was something they could look into. That's a great point.
You know you're onto something there. Today. In nineteen eighty one,
the personal computer became a thing thanks to IBM. That's
(05:56):
why IBM is now the biggest company in the world.
They changed the face of computing. Sure today. In nineteen
eighty two, Jane Fonda's first workout video is real to
Jane Fonda, three foot work it Out. Here's a somewhere
(06:17):
in the South, there's an obscure morning radio show that
plays hits from white trash rapper Mickey avalone Jane Fonda.
That's about as obscure and bizarre as it gets today. Kids, Well,
I'm just picturing a lot of ankle warmers. Oh god,
they were big, dude, that's my thing. I love that
eighties aerobics a lot about that Catholic schoolgirl. Look, you
didn't like that. I don't like because it's the kid,
(06:39):
because you're Catholic. No, and I don't like it. No.
And the other thing I don't like is when strippers
dress up like nuns. That always gives me the creep.
Some girl have that on her dating profile, Like, look,
I was a slutty nun. Swipe left and it wasn't
even Halloween. Yeah, I don't want to see slutty nuns.
Get out of here, okay, ew gross, Well you go,
you have my address, right, send them all over. Sure
you can have a slutty nun. You're yeah, you could burden. Hell,
(07:01):
you're gonna go there anyway, take a look at it.
Might as well. I ain't got nothing to worry about,
all right, you got any more historical things? Because I
got something else I wanted to drum on. You go,
I'm tired of it all. No, you're tired of what?
But he's tired of it all? You're okay, relax. You
know it's not like we're going to make you kiss
a woman or anything. All right, So allergy season is here,
and more than sixty million Americans suffer from severe allergies.
(07:22):
Anybody got any Oh yeah, I guess the Midwest gets
it the worst. And if you think allergies suck, way,
don't you hear this parody song? I know spring is.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
From all the gross Just go right up. My nose
looks so nice to that breathe damn your ball and
grass and trees. Oh, I'm a Jean sneeze feels like
I want to die, so I stay inside every spring.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Couzon ibout any allergic sour Smiley Cyrus get it, No,
I don't get it. She's got a song called I
can buy myself flowers. It's supposed to be empowering to
women because they don't have to they don't need a
guy to buy them flowers, bill Y D. But if
you don't buy them flowers, they'll get mad, especially if
you suggest that you're the kind of guy that buys
(08:14):
a lot of flowers. And then you show up on
a date once without flowers, and she's like, where's the flowers?
And I was like, we're at a restaurant. I didn't
think it would be appropriate to bring flowers. You'd have
to sit here, You couldn't put them in a vase.
What would be the point of that. I bring flowers
to your house, you could put them in a vase.
Then we go out on the date. I meet you
at the brunch restaurant. It doesn't make any sense to
bring flowers here. Plus, I'm buying you brunch and mimosas
for all your friends. You want bottomless mimosas and flowers.
(08:36):
Do you you have one of the little holes in
the top of your head like dolphins where you can
breathe through it. Yeah, I don't know how you move
at mouth so much. Yeah, I do. I not suck
in some area for now, and Dan, I do I
have a hole right here in the back of my skull?
How'd you know about that? I think I'm the one
to put it there. The dodger told me, I'm one
of the only people that have had one for this
(08:58):
many years and still survived. It doesn't it's pretty amazing.
They're like, we've never seen anything like it before. Look,
I could poke my brain right here. Watch. I just
wanted to take take a take a breath for a moment.
We could calm down just a little bit and just
remind everyone that People Magazine has spoken, and the law
(09:19):
of the land says, when People Magazine claims it, it
is so okay gone. They have named sixty two. Did
you think I wouldn't go on if you didn't advise
me to go on? I kind of got the impression
he was going to keep setting this up. What did
you guys think? I wasn't even listen. No, Yeah, thanks
a lot, mister Kenneth Billy, I'd got bored. People Magazine
has claimed sixty two year old to me Moore as
(09:42):
the most beautiful person. I'll tell you what, if you
think she's hot, wait till you see Helen Mirren man
Helen Miren. You know what else is hot? A pregnant woman?
And could you imagine a pregnant Helen Mirren, how sexy
that would be. You're not helping, Yeah, trying to bring it,
bring it down a little bit off of the adderall
riddled mind of late. I'm not on adderall. I just
(10:06):
snorted whatever that powder was off the countertop. And isn't
that even sadder? What this is? You in your natural state?
It was just there on the counter. I figured, you know,
someone's got a vacuum it up. Why don't I do
it with my nostrils? What's the big deal? She says.
She used to punish herself to keep in shape, and
now she doesn't have that antagonistic relationship with her body anymore. Says,
(10:31):
I trust when my body tells me it needs something
to eat or it needs something to drink, I listen
to it, and I have a lot less fear. Wow,
these people take this kind of stuff so seriously, don't they?
How old is she's sixty seventy two, right, don't I'm
sure these photos on her are the People magazine World's
most Beautiful. I'm looking at the pictures of her now
(10:52):
that she had been probably, but still she was in
land Man. Did you find her especially beautiful in that show?
I mean for a sixty five year old? Yeah, what
the same thing? You know what? She looks good. Look
at her here at the Oscars. Did you see you're
in the Landman. She's not in it much. No, she's
in it a little bit. I'm not really sure what
(11:12):
her purpose was in the whole show if they took
her out of the whole show, other than to be
upset that her husband has another heart attack in the hostle,
I don't think it mattered at all. This is funny.
She got nominated for an oscar and she took a
photo of herself with the other nominees. So there's beautiful
Demi Moore here. And then what's her name, Zoe whatever
(11:35):
from Lioness. Do you ever watch that? She's a good show.
She got nominated for something. And then the alopecia septum
ring wearing lady from Wicked, each one more beautiful than
the last. I feel like two of these things are
not like the other. One is if I had to
be honest with her face, but it sounds like a
fun comedy. Gobbledy goook, Stay tuned for more. Waltman Johnson,
(12:01):
Honey Bunny, put a mouth on that girl. Back in
the day, you could just do that on the radio.
You could just take a sound bite it from a
foul Mouth movie, take it out, and then you could
sing about eating Scooby snacks. That was a song on
the radio. You know, music really peaked in the nineties. Yeah, yeah, gosh, yeah,
everybody thinks both. Some people think it's still peaking now.
(12:22):
I thought it peaked way back a long time ago.
What like in the fifties or something. Yeah, No, music
was terrible in the fifties. How you figure you aren't
even around? Well, I mean I've listened to I mean
I wouldn't round either. But do look some of these
musicians you idolized back in the mid twentieth century. I
kind of get the impression they were predators, Billy, What
do you mean predators like in the Alien Versus Predator movie. No, no,
(12:43):
like they were bad for kids. But he had money
on aliens or predators. Oh, definitely alien. Yeah, no, predators. Man,
that's they're smarter than the aliens. Yeah, but there's allians
are sneaky, like, you know, like rats, or spiders are sneaky,
but predators got a lot more thinking going on, plus
cool weapons. I don't know. I think the illegal aliens
have Tom Holman outnumbered. Are we talking about the same thing?
(13:04):
I think so okay. Anyway, back in the nineteen fifties,
you could just write a song about pedophilia and everybody
thought it was great. You know, yeah, it was really creepy. Actually,
we'll see what God thirteen, I was thirty one girl.
He wants to marry her. That girl thirteen a church.
(13:30):
I'm the school. She's talking thirteen and she's my cousin
two and ever that against math. One of these days,
we don't don't We don't want to, you know, shoot
people in the heads with twelve gages. That might be
the kind of music them. Them kids that's in jail
now for killing their parents, listen to you know what.
I don't think you should kill your parents. No, you
(13:51):
shouldn't do that, I think frankly, I'm gonna go ahead,
and I'm just gonna say it. It's a bad thing
to do. And if you're on drugs, get off of them.
Don't do drugs kids. Is this a sign of the
future your marriage psychologist reveals the number one sign of
a future separation with a ninety four percent accuracy. If
you want to know whether your marriage is heading to splitsville,
don't science, huh, don't check your partner's phone, check their face.
(14:14):
A one sided mouth raise, that subtle smirk of superiority
might just be the number one red flag for divorce,
according to renowned psychologist doctor John Gottman. You know he's
the founder of the Gotman Institute. Well, of course, he's
also the mastermind one of the most extensive marriage studies
ever conducted. His research found that four nasty little habits, criticism, contempt, defensiveness,
(14:36):
and stonewalling are deemed the four horsemen of the apocalypse
that creates a lack of personal regard and people can
only put up with that for so long when it
comes to doomed relationships. It's not the first time I've
heard of this.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
No.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I also heard about this when I was going through
my divorce, probably from your wife. No, No, it was
right before the divorce. I heard about it from our
marriage counselor. Ah, Now the smirk when he said it. No,
this guy, the guy, our marriage counselor, we saw him
for about a month before the divorce happened. He was
such a creepy weirdo. He used to We'd come in
every week and he would be like, did you think
(15:09):
that he was maybe hoping for a divorce because he was,
you know, hitting on the old lady there. You know
how was the eye ballin her? You know how we
all have a thing that we sort of unintentionally say
all the time, whether we realize it or not. Like
Trump always says, Everyone's talked so many people, like no
one he'd ever seen before, you know how, he always
talks like that. Our marriage counselor would often ask us
(15:31):
this question. He would ask us, He's like, how's the
sex in your marriage? Are you guys still having sex?
He would ask that question a lot, and when we
were nosy, when we weren't getting along, but we were
still having sex, so we'd answer the question. We would
answer the question honestly, and then he would say this
thing that would give me the chills. He would go, oh, good, well,
if there's still some meat on the bone, then I
(15:51):
can work with you, eh. I know he said that
to me about twenty times before I said I need
a quit giving this guy my money. This is not
helping the marriage at all. Like, are you guys still
having sex? Oh, then there's still some meat on the bone.
I think about I thought about him saying that before,
while I was laying in bed at night trying to
go to sleep. Should have reported that guy? I know.
It's like, should I put that on a Yelp review?
(16:12):
Like this guy's going to ask you about your sex
life and then he's going to compare it to meat
on a bone, and you're gonna vomit. It's rather unpleasant,
I know. Yeah. See, you never had to worry about this. No,
I'm not saying I'm smarter than the average bear, but
I've never gotten a divorce. No, I know. You know
(16:32):
why because you never got married. Yeah, well, you know
you're fine. You gays are better than us. Great, you're
exactly You're superior. How does it feel to be better
than the rest of us? I'm used to it. Here's
another story today in the post. God, I love the Post.
Some of the worst news a spouse could find out
is that their partner is cheating on them. One woman
(16:52):
knew and it was about cancer. That's pretty bad news too. Man,
You're right this whole news story just became irrelevant, just
just like that. I don't even care. There's a lot
of your kinds of bad news. No much. Rather he
get cheated on, they get cancer. Oh yeah, you get
cheated on. You can just find another person to date
or marry or have sex with. You have cancer. You
(17:14):
got a whole bit bigger set of problems there. But
vd's also pretty bad, especially if she cheated with somebody
and then brought it home and gave it to you, right,
so now you got both. There is this post on
shit social media yesterday was Gene Simmons, and he wrote
a poem about all the women he had sex with,
and I forgot how it went. It rhymed. It was
really creepy. He's like people asked if I loved all
(17:35):
the girls thirty eight hundred that rocked my world. And
as I'm reading the poem, I'm paraphrasing here. As I'm
reading it, I'm thinking, Man, if any of those women
are reading this post, go get checked for venereal disease
right now. If they're able to steal alive. It's not
an accomplishment to never get ved. But I never did
get VD. I'm really proud of that for some reason.
But my friend who did get But my friend who
(17:57):
did get Ved lies about it and tell those people
he never did. You know, you know what that is?
That is stolen hold in the palace, That is stolen valor.
I never got it. You're stealing that from those of
us I have very few accomplishments. That's the one thing
I've got can be proud of. You're walking around telling
people you never got Ved. What about those of us
that never got Ved? What about me? You know what
(18:18):
I have to It's one last thing I could brag about. Now, well,
I got that going for you. You know what else
I enjoy is when you're on a date with a
girl and she intentionally orders the cheapest thing on the
menu even though she doesn't have to. Why did she
do that to like to let me know, like, it's
not going to be expensive if we it's not a
gold digger we went I totally it's not on the
first date. I recently took a woman to an inexpensive
(18:40):
steakhouse because she said I was going to take her
to the place where women like to go on Instagram
and take their photos. Yea, And she says to me, Oh,
I don't care if we go to one of those places.
I was like, cool, I'm bringing you to the steakhouse
where I take the bros. There you go. It's not
Texas Steakhouse, but it's one of those kinds of places
I want. No, it's the one that's at the corner
of Posto. Can see. Are there any sizzlers left anymore? God?
(19:02):
I hope there are. Oh man, I missed some days.
So we go in there and they've got they've got
on the menu, the wagu, they've got the ribi, they've
got the you know, is it the file at And
she's like, I'll get the sirloin. The sirloin's twenty bucks.
I was like, you don't have to get that. You
can get a good steak. I don't care. She's like, no, no,
it's fine. I'll have the cheap one. I was like, what,
why didn't you just tell her? Yo, we'll split that
(19:25):
and that's back at her court. Now. Can she out
cheap you, because you know that's going to be the thing.
I was like, yeah, fill up on biscuits before the
mail there. No, it's fine, honey, it's great. If we
could keep this whole bill under fifty bucks. That'd be ideal. Well,
because I don't think I'm ever going to see you
again these days, that's a little tough, especially if there
was alcohol evolved. No, there wasn't. That's the thing. And
(19:46):
I don't want to make fun of her for this,
but she one of the it's the second girl I've
ever dated that told me she was in AA. Did
I talk about this on the air? Probably? She said,
she's in AA, and when they're in AA, they love
to tell you about it. And I was like, oh, okay,
you're in AA. That's great. And she's like, I did
get arrested a lot. She's like, don't make me tell
you about it. I was like, you don't have to
tell me about it. She's like, I was on volume
(20:07):
stealing things at a Walmart. I was like, stop, pay
more than enough? Yeah, em my baby. Anyway, modern love,
isn't it great? Uh? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Love?
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Sure? Yeah, let's call it that. Oh I forgot how
we got on this headline, The New York Post reports
my pastor husband cheated on me. Here's why it helped
him get ready for dates with his side chicks. Don't
you Wish You had cancer? After reading that, well, that's
a good woman. The second example was a sign which read,
and I quote I love Vagina, nom nom nom nam.
Her cat was named Vagina. Oh what now? Walton and
(20:43):
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