Roasting Every Southeastern US State - WED 8.1

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you don't mind for just a second, can I brag.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
On some of our friends. Okay, you're gonna tell us
how much they lift.

Speaker 1 (00:07):
No, this was actually about Crystal Wheelchairs for Warriors.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Oh she's my friend too, Chris.

Speaker 1 (00:12):
I love Crystal. She is one of my best friends.
She is a beautiful, strong woman. And all the women
that run Wheelchairs for Warriors are just incredible. A bunch
of heroes doing amazing work, doing God's work. This story
makes me so happy today, especially during Christmas time.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
Wheeled Meet Dez.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
Wheelchairs for Warriors just presented Dez with a custom adaptive
sports wheelchairs so he can play tennis.

Speaker 2 (00:35):
Now.

Speaker 1 (00:36):
Des used to be able to play tennis, and then
he contracted a flesh eating bacteria while serving in the military.
Caused him to lose his right leg and half of
his butt cheek and almost lose his left leg. If
you look closely, he has only muscle tendons there. The
disease ate its way up his torso to his chest
and he almost lost his life. Your Lord, Then through

(00:57):
the darkness.

Speaker 2 (00:57):
Sewn hungry flesh eating bacteria.

Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yeah, unbelievable, right, And then through the darkness of feeling
abandoned by the government and his country, the overwhelming lifelong
adjustments in his future, des tried to kill himself, even
though it was tough, and even though he broke down
a few times. He told his story. He reached out
to Wheelchairs for Warriors. He told him what was going on.

(01:20):
He had a few Vietnam veterans in tears, as he's
a young man, but he was explaining this to some
older guys at a meeting they had, and because of
the generous support of our radio listeners, we were able
to get him an adaptive sports wheelchair so that he
can play tennis again. And by the way, playing tennis
saved his life. He found a team of people he

(01:41):
could work with, and it really is an amazing story.

Speaker 2 (01:44):
And I'm very sweet and I'd like to think that
we all here had a little something to do with it.
And I mean we all like our listeners.

Speaker 1 (01:51):
Right Yeah, to anybody that's ever donated at Wheelchairs for
Warriors or attended one of the Operation Comedy therapy shows
that we've done, you are the reason that does is
alive right now. I mean, you're certainly a big part
of it. So thank you so much. This is really
important stuff. It's important all year long, but I know
sometimes we push this really hard during Christmas because I

(02:12):
notice people are just a little more empathetic, They're just
a little more responsive when we ask people to go
to Wheelchairs for Warriors dot.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
Org and make a donation.

Speaker 1 (02:20):
Now to those of you that have ever missed one
of our comedy shows, if you didn't get to go,
we've got one coming up December twentieth at Doc Doe.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
If you know where that is. It's just north of
the Houston area. It's going to be a show there,
even if I don't know where it is right exactly, Yeah,
Docy Doe is. It's called the Big Barn.

Speaker 1 (02:38):
It's a live music and entertainment venue just north of
Houston off I forty five.

Speaker 2 (02:42):
Just drive north out of Houston, look for a Big Barn.
Thank you, Billy Mark.

Speaker 1 (02:47):
Saturday, December twentieth, I will be there with a bunch
of other comedians, including Jesse Payton. We're doing Couples Therapy.
It's a different comedy show, but a portion of the
proceeds for merchandise. That night we'll go to Wheelchairs for
Warriors and make great Christmas gifts.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
All the cool stuff you can get.

Speaker 1 (03:02):
So come on out and hang out with us, Saturday,
December twentieth a dosy dough and meet like minded individuals. Laugh,
yuck it up. It's a It's couples. It's a Christmas
edition of Couples Therapy. So this is a great Christmas couples.

Speaker 2 (03:17):
Get some ideas for you want to get the special
significant other in your life for Christmas? Yeah? Well all
the jokes aside you you might pick up some little
tendril of truth amongst the mini comments.

Speaker 1 (03:30):
Yeah, Christmas Couples date night, Come on Saturday, Saturday, December twentieth.

Speaker 2 (03:35):
It is gay but gay? What's that Billiod getting robbed
and then turning the robbery on to the robber?

Speaker 1 (03:42):
Wait?

Speaker 2 (03:43):
Is this what I think it is? Is just a story?
It was in the news. Is this good guys or
the guns? Well? Yeah, guns don't kill people.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
Pay attention, folks, time right now for good guys with guns.

Speaker 2 (03:57):
Yeah, bought to you by billiads Ammo barn I figured
i'd get in on this. You know you can't ads.
You can't do that. Wait, you and Jesse Peyton get
free ads all the time. Come, I can't get ads
for my new Ammo barn because it's not a real thing,
but it still be about tonight. There's gonna be an
It's right outside my house in the in the car port.

Speaker 1 (04:17):
Can he legally sell Ammo?

Speaker 3 (04:18):
No?

Speaker 2 (04:19):
And mister Kenneth says, no, I would have let you, Billy.
We'll find it's you boy, Dragos. You're happy now Saturday. Wait,
I'm sorry, Uh what is the website? Dragos Restaurants dot com.
Get that delicious garlic butter sauce. They got Drago's restaurants
all over the region.

Speaker 1 (04:33):
They got one in Bosure, they got one in Jackson, Mississippi.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
Every time we mentioned the one in the Streetport Bosure area,
we always get an email or a phone call from
a few people in northwest Louisiana or sometimes south west
of whatever that state is above it there.

Speaker 1 (04:49):
Right, yeah, Arkansas, thank you was testing it, and they
always go, there's there's no Dragos in Shreveport, Bosure.

Speaker 2 (04:56):
Do you think we don't know where Drogo's is. We've
been there multiple times. We do know there is Billy.

Speaker 1 (05:04):
Billy that is like a truffle peg for Drago's restaurants.
He will find that drive street. All right, guys, good
guys with guns.

Speaker 2 (05:11):
Well, yeah, the story goes like this guy emailed me
a story, well a picture of a headline story, and
said a guy was robbing a convenience store in Texas
and he got shot by every customer in the store.
How many customers are we talking about. I don't know,
because I didn't find that story. It wasn't a link,
It's just a he just liked the headline. There was
just a thought people ever read, is the headlines in

(05:32):
front of him or something. I looked up and sure enough,
there was a story here from July of earlier this year.
And I didn't get to hear about it back then,
but it's on video and everything because they got you know,
security cameras. There was an armed confrontation surveillance video called
this outside of a liquor store on a guessner at Harwin.

(05:54):
You probably know where that is. I know exactly where
that is. And in the video you can see the
store owner who goes outside to drop off some trash
there in the dumpster, and a car pulls up and
the man gets out and he's wearing a vest that
says Marshall, and he's telling this guy he's a cop.
Get on the floor, get on the floor, get on
the floor.

Speaker 1 (06:14):
Well, okay, the gay.

Speaker 2 (06:16):
I don't know what it's all about, but he got
on the floor, and you know, you can see this
on the security camera. There was another person in the car.
This guy gets out of the car. It pretends to
be a cop, puts him to the ground and he
got me on the floor and he goes it's a robbery.
I'm not The police admitted to it, you know, during
the rod because he thought it was pretty funny. So
he's a liar. Well, the guy that owns the convenience store,

(06:39):
his wife, who probably also owns it too. Wife was
watching everything from inside the store. She grabs her gun
nice walks outside, points it at the suspect, and of course,
big tough suspect jumps up starts trying to run away.
He lost his shoes and dropped his gun in the
process of trying to get away from this lady.

Speaker 1 (07:00):
I'm not very smart. It makes you wonder if the
gun was even real.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
And then the man that was on the ground, he
you know, the guy's off of him now, so he
pops up, draws his own weapons and fires multiple rounds,
one of which at least in the suspect who crawled
to his getaway car. That's what it sounded like when
he got shot. Yeah, like that, And I think they
took a couple more shots at the cars that pulled
away the man. Mister Rayes and his wife say neither

(07:26):
one were harmed, but knows this thing could have turned
out a whole lot different if there wasn't a good
guy or in this case, a good gal with a
gun watching over him.

Speaker 1 (07:38):
Good gals with guns. Do you need a different about that?
Do we need a different intro for that? Or desires
already kind of.

Speaker 2 (07:43):
Do a justice the account, especially in this new world
we live in today where we don't know the difference.

Speaker 1 (07:47):
Oh yeah, gender is just a social construct. We've been told. Oh, okay,
that sounds stupid, But then who am I to disagree
with you? Hey, did you know there's a shortage of
giant lawn santas this year? Shortage?

Speaker 2 (08:00):
You say, is somebody like you know got them all
and they're holding them out, trying to bump up the price. Well,
that's what I wondered.

Speaker 1 (08:08):
Fortunately, now the good guys are in charge of the
government again for at least a short period of time.

Speaker 2 (08:12):
And they have put out this very helpful PSA.

Speaker 3 (08:16):
Attention, there's a nationwide shortage of giant blonde Santa, so
you may be forced to celebrate Christmas without a twelve
foot inflatable symbol of dominance over your neighbors.

Speaker 2 (08:27):
No way.

Speaker 3 (08:28):
Expert warn that you may have to resort to talking
to your family or enjoying the season. Serious and remember,
true holiday spirit isn't measured in inflatable nylon and led
wantag Yes, yes, this message brought to you by Santa
the Society against Needless trophy sized Adornments.

Speaker 2 (08:47):
Oh, this was brought to you by Clark Griswald. He
agrees with this message. I like Clark Kriswald. It's a
good old boy, but I don't like any of his
other characters. Is that's cousin?

Speaker 1 (08:59):
Oh he's way better Eddie. Eddie's the best man. Well,
Randy's his real name. He follows us on social media.
We follow him, We're friends with him.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
We're living in the pretend world of Clark Griswold at
his Christmas decorations. Remember how come all of wake Billy
in up from his dream? It might calls him to
have a heart attack.

Speaker 1 (09:14):
And amazing Chevy Chase created Clark Griswold, and yet all
these other characters kind of sucked.

Speaker 2 (09:19):
You didn't like Flitch. I don't really remember. I think
so Flitch was pretty cool. He's all right. I liked
all the vacation stuff, or at least most of it.
I liked the Three Amigos. I think he was in that.

Speaker 1 (09:30):
But I just think Steve Martin and Martin Short didn't
like him because they don't work with him anymore, even
though they still work together all the time.

Speaker 2 (09:37):
Well, nobody that's ever worked with Chevy seems to want
to do that again, And a lot of people don't
work with him because they heard that they wouldn't like it. So,
you know, that's okay.

Speaker 1 (09:46):
Just a quick reminder, folks. If you spend most of
your time in life alone all the time, and there's
nobody that loves you, and you don't have friends, and
you know, people that you're kind of famous for being
associated with won't pick up the phone when you call him,
there's a reason why I can at mirror see what's
going on there. Maybe Christmas is the time for you
to reevaluate your life and try to be a better person.

Speaker 2 (10:07):
You know, or Santa Claus won't come see you.

Speaker 1 (10:09):
Amen.

Speaker 3 (10:09):
You know what you call an able bodied guy on
the doorstep, whatever his name is.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
Stay tuned for more Waltman Johnson.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
Stop stop, shut it down, shut it shut it down,
shut it down. Someone complained about something.

Speaker 2 (10:21):
Yeah, this doesn't happen. This is this is very rare.
Do we have to pull the emergency brake?

Speaker 1 (10:27):
All right?

Speaker 2 (10:27):
Hang out?

Speaker 1 (10:28):
Stop to email from Oh not good, it's angry email?

Speaker 2 (10:35):
Yeah, yeah, you just regular email? Is it's angry?

Speaker 1 (10:38):
The Waldner Johnson email then proudly brought to you behy
him me from by mister Kenneth in his online store.

Speaker 2 (10:44):
Well, I'm the one that read it first, and I
brought it to your attention. I love WJ dot com.

Speaker 1 (10:48):
Go there today and buy some great Christmas cafts.

Speaker 2 (10:50):
What's the email? Say, Well, it's from a guy named Rick,
and he wrote it about an hour after we got
off the air yesterday, so I don't know if he's
listening to a delay or if he had the app
or if it just you can boiled up inside of
him for an hour afterwards. He titled his email sudafed
and I don't know why. And this is what the
email says that was a lousy thing to say about

(11:12):
Mississippi and your listeners here. I don't imagine you have
the courage to repeat it to your host the next
time you're at the Bay Saint Louis and at the
Silver Slipper. I've lived in Dallas, I've lived all over Texas,
back when Texas was a great place to live. No
longer it is. I regret maybe I should brag about

(11:33):
I used to brag about Texas fifty years ago, but
only people bragging about it today are an endangered minority
in their own state. Apparently we said something really hurtful
to Mississippians in the Great Magnolia State. I don't know
what it was.

Speaker 1 (11:50):
I don't remember either, mister ROUDI you remember.

Speaker 2 (11:52):
He said nothing to nothing to disparage nobody.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
You know what insults me about this email? This guy
thinks the only place we go in Mississippi is Bayed
Saint Louis.

Speaker 2 (12:01):
I go there all the time.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
I got a lot of friends in Jackson, I got
a lot of friends in Gulfport, Biloxi, you know, Hattiesburg.
I don't remember what we said, but we do talk
a lot of smacks. So it's possibly he's right. Can
I present an idea to counter this email?

Speaker 2 (12:15):
Well, yeah, you apologize, Maybe smooch is behind a little bit.
Go Ricky, Ricky, we feel awful that you got your
feeling hurt. The last one, you know, as you heard it,
as you know.

Speaker 1 (12:27):
The Walton Johnson Show can be heard in I think
at least nine states.

Speaker 2 (12:31):
We're a bunch of pretty much your Gulf South regional
area there.

Speaker 1 (12:35):
Florida, Tennessee, Oklahoma, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Texas. If we
add Mississippi to that list, and then we do. Okay,
So let's say for the we're on the radio in
about ten states. Okay, I think for the interest of
just being objective here, we should insult each state individually,
starting with.

Speaker 2 (12:53):
Our own, you see, to make it clear how we feel.
So that way, it doesn't take back whatever insult he perceived,
but it adds a parity everybody where everybody's equal. Equity.

Speaker 1 (13:06):
Yeah yeah, yeah, and we love equity, So that's what's important, Maestro,
Could I get the insult everyone music? There we go.
All right, let's start off with Texas, Texas. Everything's bigger
in Texas except the number of people who can point
to it on a map. Huh uh. See Arkansas, the
state where literacy is pronounced with four syllables and still
nobody knows what it means. Louisiana, where the state bird

(13:30):
is a mosquito, the state festival vegetable is a hangover,
and the state sport is political corruption.

Speaker 2 (13:35):
Amen.

Speaker 1 (13:36):
Alabama first in football, last and everything else, and not
even first in football. Georgia, home of Atlanta, the city
that proves even a peach.

Speaker 2 (13:46):
Can't sweeten the rest of the state.

Speaker 1 (13:47):
Oh my, Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the
plane carrying way anyone's reason for living there.

Speaker 2 (13:55):
Well, yeah, we got good softball.

Speaker 1 (13:57):
Up Tennessee, proof that you could put whiskey in a
state and it still ends up with more banjos than
brain cells. Yeah wait, that's mean Florida, the only state
that doubles is America's waiting room for the apocalypse, complete
with armed alligators, bath salt, zombies, and retirees who vote
like they're already dead. Thank you very much, And can
I just point out get everybody? All? Ten of those

(14:19):
states are still vastly better than the other.

Speaker 2 (14:22):
Forty states have forty seven, which.

Speaker 1 (14:24):
Are all better than Guam and Puerto Rico, which is
just a giant pile of garbage floating in the ocean.

Speaker 2 (14:30):
You don't want to live on one of those islands.
It's gonna flip over it and everybody will drown soon. There.

Speaker 1 (14:35):
Now, does everyone feel better?

Speaker 2 (14:37):
I hope Rick was listening. I'd hate to have to
repeat all this for him later, but I missed it.
And last, but not least, I'll insult this radio show.

Speaker 1 (14:45):
Yeah, the Walton and Johnson Show, a show that's really
popular since nineteen eighty three, but not so popular that
any of us have enough money to retire and not
do this anymore. How about that? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (14:55):
That'll show. Yeah, take that us, us them or anyway
we're taking it.

Speaker 1 (15:00):
We all suck equally, now, don't it? Doesn't everyone feel better?

Speaker 2 (15:04):
America? Merry Christmas, everybody?

Speaker 1 (15:07):
Boy?

Speaker 2 (15:07):
I feel great. I feel holly jolly. That's the best
I've felt in a long time. That really was cleansing,
wasn't it. It really was.

Speaker 1 (15:14):
I feel like it cleansed the soul. Just to insult
to everyone, it's a good time kids, anyway. Uh, to
those of you that are just waking up, what the
hell is your problem. You missed a lot of great stuff.
I guess it's probably a great time for this. What
happens if you're at a San Francisco intersection, meaning you know,
a street that crosses another street, and three waymos the

(15:35):
autonomous taxis approach the intersection at the same time.

Speaker 2 (15:38):
That it's that every time you say that, I think
you're talking about fat cheeks. I don't know why, but waimo,
it just sounds like, you know, like what the the
the kids are calling fat girls these days?

Speaker 1 (15:50):
You know, Yeah, this is the bubble bud Bugie aka
praleens themes.

Speaker 2 (15:58):
Yeah, and then you get that it was impic.

Speaker 1 (16:00):
Oh yeah, well she got semi glue tide the timeless
clinic dot comics. Huh. Anyway, three driverless waimos the autonomous
taxis not fact girls were locked in a standoff on
a San Francisco residential street over the weekend.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
I assumed that they all ran the stop sign or
whatever it was that was controlling traffic at this particular
intersection and all smashed into each other. But no, none
of them moved because they were all waiting for the
other one to move.

Speaker 1 (16:27):
It's a very new problem, ladies, and gentlemen, the software
hadn't told the weaimos what to do.

Speaker 2 (16:32):
Do you know the rule when you get multiple calls
pulled up to a full way stop, who go first?
The black guy? Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 (16:39):
Yeah everyone, Well, the frustrated the Nissan Ultima goes first.
That's it. The frustrated human drivers were subsequently blocked in
on a dead end road. Two of the autonomous vehicles
appeared to have made contact, while a third, approaching from
the opposite direction, froze upon sensing them, unable to navigate
around each other and trapping other drivers for uh and

(16:59):
a knock long amount of time.

Speaker 2 (17:01):
How many idiots behind the autonomous driven cars were honking? Well,
don't you know? There were people honking at the driverless car.

Speaker 1 (17:11):
Which does nothing, but of course the crack up. These
are smug white liberals in San Francisco, So instead of honking,
they probably just rolled down the vehicle and they were like, oh,
excuse me, hello, you know you got people back here.
Excuse me. I need to get to my gender neutral, secular,
non Christmas holiday party.

Speaker 2 (17:31):
You know, I don't hope to die anytime soon, but
I also don't look really that much forward to this
future that it looks like we're heading towards.

Speaker 1 (17:39):
Yeah, the dystopian future kind of sucks. Can we just
go back to the nineties when culture peaked? You mean
the seventies night, No, I meant the nineties.

Speaker 2 (17:47):
Hey, who remembers the name Brian Cole Junior. You talked
about him yesterday, didn't he?

Speaker 1 (17:52):
They claim he's the DC pipe bomb suspect. I'm gonna
claim he's white too, So what does that tell you? Now?
I don't know if this makes me believe the Charlie
Kirk assassin assassination story less, but weirdly, Brian Cole Junior,
the anarchist currently in custody for the pipe bombs, kind
of like the Charlie Kirk assassin, appears to be into

(18:14):
furry stuff.

Speaker 2 (18:16):
Really well, that's kind of a trend lately. Okay.

Speaker 1 (18:20):
Actually it's a subculture of furries known as Bronie's.

Speaker 2 (18:23):
Okay, that's even worse.

Speaker 1 (18:25):
What's a bronie, Mister Kenneth, Well, you know they like
their bros. It's an adult man who's into my little ponies, yes,
I know, but not grown up orses.

Speaker 2 (18:36):
Pedophile. It's equine pedophilia.

Speaker 1 (18:40):
It's really creepy anyway, Apparently he had a secret online
life as a Bronian, a man obsessed with My Little Pony.
Apparently this dude shared My Little Pony fan artwork, wrote
songs about My Little Pony, even wrote some disturbing fan
fiction about the show that he published online.

Speaker 2 (18:56):
About what show? My Little Pony?

Speaker 1 (18:59):
Oh yeah, journalists, maybe like the Charlie Kirk Show or something.
Journalists tracked down some online but no, this is the
pipe bomb suspect. But journalists tracked down some online profiles
associated with Cole's email and phone number under the username
I Delta Velocity. Cole reportedly posted an insane amount of
My Little Pony artwork.

Speaker 2 (19:17):
Insane amount. See, they slipped little clues in there like that,
And I think these insane people are the easiest ones
for our government agents to manipulate, to put them into
a situation where it looked like they did the crime
that somebody else actually did.

Speaker 1 (19:35):
He also wrote some horror fan fiction about My Little Pony.
Would you like me to read you a paragraph?

Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yes, I was hoping that we might get some My
Little Pony horror porn or something.

Speaker 1 (19:47):
All right, listen, I'm just going to read a couple
of sentences. I promise we won't dive to I just
won't even an idea of what it is. This is real.
Apple Bloom's eyes snapped open as she sat up in
her bed, panting heavily, sweat dripping down her red mane.
The skeletons, the zombified ponies rising up from the ground,
their decaying bodies, rotting, flesh sliding off from their bones.

(20:10):
She buried her face in her hoofs, crying silently at
the horrible images that inhabited her mind.

Speaker 2 (20:15):
I'll stop there. Oh, this guy sounds like he's killed
his family members. Adult men who are I'd start looking
into where his supposed parents are. Yeah, I bet they're
in a shallow grave somewhere near the closest woods to
his house.

Speaker 1 (20:28):
Adult men who are obsessed with My Little Ponies are
often known as Broni's, and we once produced a documentary
about this, called A Common Person's Guide to Bronie's. Years ago,
we attended a convention my friend Josh and I who
he's a flat earther in one of those chemtrail guys,
and weirdly enough, he was the most normal guy at
the whole convention.

Speaker 2 (20:48):
More so than you.

Speaker 1 (20:49):
Well, it's probably like a tie between him and me.
Oh boy, yeah, I know. Well, you know that's what
you're dealing with.

Speaker 2 (21:01):
This is the Walton and Johnson Show.