October 22, 2025 • 30 mins
Episode Highlights With Brittany
- Why this work is so important, especially for moms
- How babies co-regulate with moms for several years and how our children borrow our nervous systems for several years until theirs' develop
- How dysregulated nervous systems affect parenting and the parent child bond
- Children are wired to come to their caregivers for regulation, so when the caregiver is a source of fear or dysregulation this can create attachment issues and other issues
- Perfection is not required- in fact an in-depth study found that mothers being attuned even just 30% of the time led to secure attachment in the child. So we don’t even have to get it right the majority of the time!
- Navigating rupture and repair well can actually lead to more resilience and secure attachment
- Somatic practices that moms can do on the go when we feel overwhelmed
- Practical tools that moms can use to benefit our nervous systems and our families
- How movement is so helpful for the nervous system
- What resourcing is and how doing this for just a couple minutes a day can be really helpful
- How attunement is so important and can be helpful even if we're personally not regulated
- Ways to help our kids develop healthy nervous system regulation and attachment.
- Her advice for those struggling with mom guilt.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welk On for My Body's podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
This episode is brought to you by Native Path, and
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E c r e A t I n E or
(01:30):
the link is in the show notes. Hello and welcome
to the Wellness Mama podcast. I'm Katie from Waldnessmama dot
com and this episode is all about somatic healing for moms,
how to regulate your nervous system in real time. And
I am back with Britt Piper, who is an amazing
voice in this realm. She's a renowned speaker and author
(01:52):
bean as somatic experiencing practitioner and in this episode we
get to go deep on this topic, especially two moms.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Why this is.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
So important for moms, especially because of the nervous system
connection with our kids, especially when they are little, and
she gives a lot of hands on and practical tips,
as well as some statistics that I found personally very
relieving and helpful, including that we really actually only need
to show up and be attuned, not even perfect, but
just attuned with our children about thirty percent of the
(02:21):
time for them to develop secure attachment. That they don't
need perfection and they don't need one hundred percent, and
that actually when there are moments where we don't get
it right and don't get it perfect and or there's
rupture and repair that could actually strengthen the bond, it
can help them develop more resilience and better nervous system
regulation over time. She gives advice on how to support
our children in nervous system regulation at various ages, and
(02:43):
how to support ourselves in the busyness and overwhelm of motherhood.
Definitely a lot of practical takeaways in this one, so
let's jump in and learn now. Brit welcome back. Thank
you so much for being here again for this episode.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yes, I'm looking forward to this one.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Well, you guys, we got to record an incredible first
episode all about the science of safety, and there were
so many actionable things that you mentioned in that episode
great starting points as well as a ton of resources
that I have linked in the show notes. And in
this episode, I would love to really dial in on
something that I think is especially relevant to our listing audience,
which is somatic healing for moms. And I think obviously
(03:21):
sematic healing is important for everyone, but it feels especially
impactful and important for moms who often set the kind
of the nervous system tone for the entire household. But
I would love to hear your perspective on this. Why
is nervous system regulation and safety in this work so
important for moms especially?
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Yeah, so I think you just touched on it there
that moms or caregivers they really do set the tone
for the home their nervous system. Does you know children?
When children are born, they don't have develop nervous systems,
and so they do something called coregulate, or there's a
lot of other ways that you can think of it.
It's also referred to as affects, syncren mirror emotions, mirror neurons,
(04:02):
hard coherence. It all means the same thing, and essentially
it is that our children borrow our nervous systems up
until a certain age. Because theirs are not developed, and
there's develop and adapt based on the health of our
nervous system. So if we are disregulated, our children will
be disregulated. And as a mom myself to two littles,
(04:24):
I have an almost two year old and almost five
year old next month, that felt like a lot of pressure,
especially as someone who came from a history of attachment wounds,
growing up in a dynamic where there wasn't a lot
of healthy regulation modeled to me. Either there was explosive
emotions in our home and walking on age shells, or
(04:47):
we would push things under the rug and act like
it wasn't there, so there was avoidance and overwhelm and chaos.
And so as a new mom myself, what I found
is that the most important, for most importance step for
me and becoming an attuned parent a supportive parent, was
focusing on my own nervous system. We all have often
(05:07):
focused on like what do I need to do for
my kids? How do I help them regulate? How do
I help them move through a big emotion? And what
the most important thing to do is actually make sure
that in those moments your system feels regulated and safe,
because that's going to set the tone, as you said,
and set the standard for how they're able to move
through big moments of activation and stress and dysregulation.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
That makes so much sense, and I didn't I don't
know if I had the words to explain that before,
but I think my family growing up, my parents were
amazing and very loving, but we definitely had more of
that kind of avoidance dynamic in our house. And my
brother and I were having this conversation recently of how
interesting it is, even as adults, even within ourselves to
learn or like attempt to learn how to be able
to do that even within ourselves, much less in relationship
(05:52):
with other people because that was ingrained so early. So
it makes sense to me that you say, like we're
kind of very co regulated with our parents. We adopt
these things early, and then even when we're logically aware
of them as adults, that doesn't mean we just get
to result them because we understand them. There's actually like
work that goes into that as well. Can you talk
a little bit more about how a dysregulated nervous system
can affect parenting and the parent child bond, Like you
(06:14):
mentioned the avoidance aspect, I would guess this can show
up in a lot of different ways, depending on what
we went through in childhood.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Yeah. Yeah, so it can create either direct dysregulation for
a child or it can cause indirect dysregulation. So I'll
give some examples of direct. So let's say that we're
really disregulated, and that we have a system that is
really either shut down so we associate a lot, we're
(06:41):
not super emotionally present, or maybe we're stuck in that
sympathetic overdrive anger response frustration, and so when our little
ones have big emotions, that might trigger our system to
either get frustrated and to lash out at the kids,
which then creates direct disregular in them. Where you know,
(07:01):
children are biologically and instinctually wired to come to their
caregiver their attachment figure for regulation. So when the person
that they are instinctually drawn to to come to for
safety is now the thing that they fear, it creates
a lot of this disorganized dysregulation within the system, which
(07:22):
can then create you know, we could talk all about
attachment styles and patterns and things like that. Another one
would be, you know, if again a child gets upset,
has big emotions and in our system that feels really dysregulating,
so we completely shut down. Then that again can leave
the child to feel now neglected, not safe alone, like
they don't have this safe haven, this attachment to help
(07:45):
them regulate through it. Now, indirectly, how this can show
up is, let's say that we have our own trauma
and our own stress that is creating conditions in our
life that is also impacting our little ones. Let's say
that we have chronic anxiety, and this anxiety shows up
(08:05):
even in moments that have nothing to do with our kiddos. Right,
they're fine, they're regulated, they're over in the corner there,
they don't have big emotions, but we are carrying this
anxiousness around. Over time, the child's nervous system will start
to pick up on my caregiver is not consistently, and
consistent is the big word here. They should probably pause
(08:26):
and say this. There are moments and we can talk
all about the you know, the imperfect parent and all
all the research behind that, but we are not perfect
as parents. We are not perfect humans. We get disregulated
all the time. Rupture and repair is really important. What
I'm referring to here is that if we are chronically
shutting down or lashing out at our kiddo's or if
(08:49):
we are consistently and constantly and chronically anxious around them
or shut down around them, that will start to send
a signal to them that the caregiver, the person that
I rely on for safety, security and regulation, is themselves
never regulated. Therefore, I do not feel safe. My system
doesn't feel safe. And so what we do is we
(09:09):
create an environment that doesn't really foster resilience, presence, connection,
and safety. We are creating an environment where this nervous
system is now wired for survival, for disconnection, for disregulation,
and for danger. Yeah, those are some examples, but again,
(09:29):
the consistent thing is important.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
I feel like that is a really important distinction because
I would guess likely no mom listening has had an
experience of never feeling disregulated or never having a moment
of overwhelm or losing our temper. Like of course, that
would be an unreasonable expectation that I think that's a
really important perspective to remember. Is it's like the consistency
over time, not perfection, but like that connection and presence
(09:52):
most of the time. And like I agree with you,
like I think those that actually like sometimes those moments
when we are overwhelmed depending on how we have gate,
those might actually strengthen the bond long term if we
use this as an opportunity to like reinforce the connection afterwards.
But I think that perspective is super important before we
go forward in the conversation. And I also know like
motherhood feels like a very hands on place to get
(10:15):
to learn this because it is so like demanding of
time and resources and energy. And I know for moms
that like it often feels like there's like time, energy
and attention are stretch thin often and so it's not
like we have all the extra hours in the day
to just you know, focus on our own nervous system regulation.
So what are some kind of hands on, quick somatic
tools that are especially relevant to moms that we can
(10:36):
use when we're feeling overwhelmed or we feel that nervous
system dysregulation starting to happen, maybe to kind of help
before it escalates.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Yeah, yeah, so I'm going to answer that, but I
want to add one more thing to what you just said.
And in my book Body First Healing, I talk about
you know, it's a sematic it's a book for sematic healing.
There is a lengthy, lengthy lengthy chapter on attachment, and
you're probably wondering why is it attachment so important when
it comes to somatic helia nervous system. And that's because
kind of what we're talking about here is that the
(11:05):
relationship that you have with your caregiver is going to
set the tone for how your nervous system develops in childhood,
especially those first three years of life and then the
first six years of life, but really those first three
years of life. But there's a study called the Good
Enough Mother Think. It was Donald Winnicott, infant child psychotherapist,
and what he found is that as long as mothers
(11:26):
and caregivers are attuned to their child thirty percent of
the time, and attuned means I am with you in
your discomfort even if we're not getting this right. As
long as they were attuned thirty percent of the time,
they would have a secure attachment and a secure and
regulated nervous system. And what he found is that having
moments where there is healthy rupture and repair, which is
(11:50):
kind of what you just said, is that these moments
where we feel disregulated or overwhelmed can actually be a
really great teaching moment to our kids. As long as
we're not over the top right out, not being you know,
not creating harm for our children. But it models to
our children how to move through these inevitable moments of imperfection,
of disconnection, of dysregulation, and it makes kids actually more
(12:13):
emotionally resilient. So when we try to carry this perspective
of I need to be perfect, I can't show emotions
in front of my kids, I can't be upset, I
can't be dysregulated, that actually does them a disservice because
that is not how we are wired. We feel activation
all throughout the day, moment to moment, and it's more
about having the tools and the capacity to move through it.
(12:34):
So I just wanted to say that just to add
some science and even more validity to that. But yeah,
somatic practices or you know, I would even say, like
a sematic approach to everyday life. The pressure that moms
are under which is insurmountable at this point, in this
modern day that we live in. We are juggling so
many things and there is kind of this pressure of
(12:55):
I have to be the regulating force in my home.
Like that is a lot of press sure, And so
I think what we were just speaking to here is
giving yourself some grace and recognizing you don't have to
be perfect and that moments of dysregulation are not just normal,
they're almost to be expected, and a moment for opportunity
(13:16):
and growth for our kids, I think allows us to
like let up some of that pressure a little bit,
which is really nice. But some tools that you can do. Okay,
so you know, structure and routine can be really really
helpful for a nervous system. And of course we know
that structure and routine is really helpful for children, right,
So having a routine can be helpful. And then I
(13:38):
would say that having some type of movement. This doesn't
mean that you need to go to the gym, This
doesn't mean that you need to work out. This means
even just taking like five minutes to stretch, or going
on a short walk around the block, or you know,
walking to lunch instead of driving your car if it's
right down the block. These are small things that you
can do to help regulate the system. The nerve system
(14:00):
gets disregulated when it has chronic stress, chronic adrenaline and cortisol.
So when you think about playing and mobilizing the body,
we are exerting adrenaline cortisol. So one of the things
you mentioned, Katie, was that you found that you wanted
to go on these walks as you started doing this work,
So the body will naturally start to crave movement. And
you can even do that through play, Like play with
(14:23):
children provides a lot of sympathetic discharge as well. So
whether it's like playing at the playground, throwing a baseball,
something that you're doing to allow the body to move,
even for just a few minutes a day can be
really helpful to kind of keep the system at baseline.
And then another thing that I would say is taking
(14:43):
time throughout the day. What I've had clients do in
the past is I'll have them set a reminder like
two times a day, and when the reminder goes off,
what they do is they take just sixty seconds to
do what we call resourcing. It's a somatic practice where
you allow the sensory motor system, your senses to just
start to orient. So you just start to orient to
(15:06):
the space that you're in. You can notice thing and
I just took a breath as I did that, I
see you can notice things like texture on the wall, colors, shapes, patterns,
and if you can allow the full head, neck and
eyes to orient, allowing the neck to stretch, what that
(15:26):
does is it stretches your sterno clatoid muscles in the
neck and it also activates the bagus nerve, which stimulates
our parasympathetic rest and digest So we call this exploratory orienting,
and it's kind of like a what we call a
postural attitude where you're doing something with your posture to
(15:46):
switch your nervous system into a more present, curious, and
rested and digested state, rather than defensive orienting, which is
being hypervigilant. Right, how often are we tense around our kids?
What are the millions of things that I need to
be doing? Oh, that kid's climbing on the window. So
exploratory orienting, just do it for a minute, and then
(16:07):
tracking your body, how is my body experiencing this? So
I noticed I took a deep breath. I also noticed
that my shoulders kind of dropped a little bit. I'm
also recognizing that I'm breathing into kind of my deeper
diaphragms into the belly, so more access to breath. So
noticing now how is my body experiencing that? And that
(16:28):
really kind of sets an imprint, a somatic imprint of okay,
we can have a moment of safety in a moment
of reprieve. And then the last thing that I would
say is that when you do feel disregulated, which is inevitable,
I encourage you to follow the three E formula which
I talk about in my book, and the three E
stands for experience, express, and expel. So the first thing
(16:51):
you want to notice is I'm feeling disregulated, How is
my body experiencing this, and if it feels okay to do?
Can you just track how the body is showing you
I'm really anxious right now or I'm really frustrated, So
that could be a sensation. It could be noticing a
behavior of the body like I'm clenching my fists or
I'm clenching my jaw. A sensation would be there's constriction
(17:13):
in my shoulders or there's heat coming up my neck
as I feel really heated, I'm sweating, I'm perspiring. You
want to allow yourself to notice the experience for just
a little bit, maybe like I don't know, twenty thirty seconds,
and then the second he is express so as I'm
noticing this experience, is there anything my body naturally wants
to do to express how I'm feeling. And you might
(17:35):
notice that it's like I just want to like shake
my arms, or I just want to or maybe I
just want to like move, or I want to stretch,
or I want to get up and leave this room.
Maybe you notice that tears start to emerge. So the
body is now expressing or moving through some of that activation,
which leads to the thirty which is expelling. This is
(17:56):
your body's way of expelling the adrenalinine cortisol that enters
into our system when we feel stress and activated. So
you're releasing the lid of that pressure cooker of stress,
allowing it to move through. And this is something you
can do with your kids. So when I feel disregulated
in front of my kids, we have fun little exercises
that we do. I will usually name I'm feeling really
(18:17):
frustrated right now, so I'm gonna just be with myself
for a moment, and I'm gonna be with that frustration, okay.
And usually like I like to coregulate, so I'll like
hold their hands or something, and then I'll notice it
and then maybe after thirty seconds, I'll be like you
want to do some dinosaur stomps with me? Or do
you want to do some growls? So we'll do fun,
playful things to help express and expel that energy. And
(18:38):
at the same time, it's again showing our kids that
we have emotions, we are emotional creatures and that's okay.
So yeah, there's a bunch of different things you could do.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
I love that it feels extremely reassuring that statistically you
mentioned that really we really need to be actually attuned
and present thirty percent of the time, and not even
perfectly in those moments, but just present. That feels probably
like very relieving to a lot of mom's listening. This
episode is brought to you by Native Path and I'd
love to talk about something that might surprise you. When
(19:09):
you think creatine, you might think muscle jimbros. But here's
what the research actually shows. Creating is most incredible for
your brain because your brain uses about twenty percent of
your body's energy, and creating helps fuel those newer pathways.
Studies show that women who supplement with creatine experience better
working memory, faster processing speeds, and reduce mental fatigue. So
if you're juggling work, family and everything in between creating
(19:32):
might be what you're looking for. It also supports the
body in a whole lot of different ways, but I
wanted to focus on the brain aspect for now. When
it comes to creating, though, quality matters. Creating monohydrate is
the most researched form, and I use native path creatine.
Most research says to start with three to five grams
a day that you don't need a loading paste to
spite what some sources say, I personally have experimented with
(19:54):
up to like ten grams per day for the mental benefits,
but as always, talk to your own doctor or healthcare
before starting anything, especially if you have any health concerns.
But for many women, creating can be one of the
safest most research supplements available, and for too long we've
thought of it as for just men. So if you
want to try it, you can save up to fifty
six percent off as a listener of this podcast, plus
(20:15):
get free shipping at Wellnessmama dot com. Forward slash go
forward slash native creatine. So that's Wellnessmama dot com. Forward
slash go forward slash n A t I v E
c r e A t I n e or the
link is in the show notes, and you touched on
this a little bit, but I would love to go
(20:35):
deeper on this, like, how can we best navigate when
there are those inevitable moments of kind of like rupture
and repair, Like how do we best both prepare for
that and navigate those moments in the moments to strengthen
our bond with our kids over time to help give
them good nervous system regulation tools through the experiencing and
the modeling of that and or at various ages, are
(20:56):
there things that we can do kind of in a practical,
enhands on way to support our cads and developing healthy
nervous system responses even if we didn't get that experience
as a child.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Yeah, yeah, So I think the rupture and repair kind
of the healing bomb that we have found, which is
actually the most impactful thing in rupture in repair is
what you actually just mentioned again, which is attunement. And
again it sends that message of I am with you
in this discomfort, I am with you in this disconnect,
I am with you in this moment of dysregulation or
(21:28):
whatever is happening. And the example that I often give
is if you think of a baby, how often do
we not get it right right, They can't explain to
us in verbal measures, so they're sending us all of
these cues, these protests we call social cues for help.
They're crying, they're screaming, they're flailing their arms, and we
(21:48):
can't figure out what's wrong. And so there's this disconnect, right,
and so it's okay, I'm going to change their diaper
and they're still crying and they're still protesting. And I'm
going to change their clothes. Maybe they're hot, and they're
still crying and they're still protesting. We're not getting it right.
I'm going to rock you for a bit. Still don't
get it right. I'm gonna try and put you down
for a nap. No, that's not doing it. Okay, I'm
going to just take you outside for a moment. And
(22:10):
the baby starts to regulate. And so it was not
about getting it right. It was never about I need
to fix this, I need to make you better. It
was this sense of we're disconnected, but I am with
you in figuring this out. And sometimes that attunement and
that sense of a child feeling like even though we're disconnected,
(22:32):
I know I still belong here and I belong with you,
I think can make the biggest difference. And so yeah,
I would say that's probably the one thing I would
mention with rupture and repair is that that attunement, consistent attunement,
the willingness to work through it is probably what matters
the most. And then your second question, can you repeat
(22:52):
your second question again?
Speaker 2 (22:54):
Yeah, just speaking too, like at various ages, maybe there's
like developmental stages with this, but how do we best
help our kids to develop healthy nervous system regulation and
attachment even if we weren't necessarily good at that at
their ages, like if it wasn't something we got in childhood,
how can we help our kids develop that foundation in
a healthier way for sure?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Yeah, So I would say age wise, you know, when
it comes to nervous system but also brain development. What
we know is that infancy, of course is zero to
three years, and so during those years, that's when children
are really going to be learn how to regulate through coregulation.
So it's less about you know, teaching them how to
(23:36):
move through emotions, and it's more so that coregulation of
I can be a safe anchor for you. You're safe haven
of regulation when you're upset or dysregulated. So zero to three,
it's focusing on your own regulation and knowing that that
is most important for your child in moments when they
are upset or disregulated. After the age of three is
(23:58):
when they start to have that language. And even still
though they they're still operating very much so from their
emotional brain, not so much from their conscious, cognitive, learning,
irrational brain. And so even now and you know, they
have the big leap at the age of four, what
they call the limbic leap, which is the emotional brain.
(24:19):
Even at the age of four, and they also have
for young boys, the testosterone surge that happens. They still
have very big emotions, but they don't have this cortical brain,
this conscious cognitive brain that is really developed yet to
make sense of their emotions. So usually from the ages
I say of four to six is when we're just
helping them to hold space for the emotions, to express them,
(24:42):
to be with them, to move through them, also doing
some coregulation, doing some expressing and expelling at the same time,
and modeling. And then after that then that's where it
really starts to come in of understanding and making sense
of our emotions. So, yeah, you're feeling that way, you're
really frustrated. I hear that. I'd be frustrated too. Let's
(25:03):
talk about it, right, So then you start to talk
through it. And so those are kind of the stages
for early early development. I'd say around the age of twelve,
when we start to hit puberty and a whole new
level of hormones, right, that's where I think all of
those things can come into play. There's coregulation, there's making
space for emotion and expression, and there's also talking through it.
(25:25):
So all three of those things can be at play.
And as you do that, what you find is that
your kids will naturally learn how to self regulate as well.
So in those first kind of you know, that first
big chunk of adolescence, a lot of it is coregulation
because you are helping them to navigate their emotional landscape,
either through your nervous system, through helping them and guiding
(25:47):
them on how to express how they're feeling and get
it out, or number three, making sense of it. And
as you do that, you are now setting the foundation
for how they now self regulate learn how to self
regulate on their own later on in adolescence, amazing. That
is super helpful, and I feel like there's so much
more we could go into on this. We'll have to
maybe do more rounds in the future. But the last
(26:08):
thing I want to make sure we talk about today
would be what would be your advice to moms who
feel guilty about struggling with their own nervous system regulation
or their own emotions. I know mom guilt is its
own big topic, but any quick advice for moms who
like that's another source of maybe stress for them, is
their own guilt about their own emotions. Yeah, you know.
(26:28):
So what I say is that, especially when we talk
about attachment styles and nervous system regulation, you know, people
often will will put labels on our styles for instance. Right,
So I have a lot of clients that come to
me and they're like, well, I'm just anxiously attached and
that's how I will always be. And yes, we can
(26:50):
look at Okay, you're anxiously attached because your first however
many years of life, that was the attachment development or
the attachment relationship that you had with your caregiver. But
when it comes to nervous system development and attachment development,
what we find is that our earliest experiences in childhood
do set They set the tone and the patterns this
(27:11):
predictable path for how we will either be regulated or
disregulated as adults, or securely attached or insecurely attached as adults.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
But these are.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Patterns that are not set in stone. They are set
in place. And so when we have if we feel
like we've come from a place of hey, you know,
I hear this a lot. There's a lot of women
who have older children in my program, and they'll say
I messed my kids up, or there's no turning back,
or what did I do right? And there's all this guilt,
(27:41):
and I have to remind them that our brains and
our nervous systems and our bodies are incredibly plastic and malleable.
If we have intention to change. Nothing is set in stone.
It's just set in this predictable path. And I also
remind them too, you know, how would it have felt
for you as a child to see your parents doing
(28:02):
the kind of healing work or regulation work that you're
doing now. Right, And so for anyone listening to this
podcast right now, my assumption would be is that you
are in the throes of self development, of self healing
of regulating a nervous system that's maybe been wired for survival,
and that is incredible, profound, heavy, heavy work. And so
(28:24):
that also gets passed down to your kids. So just
as trauma, just as dysregulation can be passed down, so
too can healing, no matter what age in life.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
I love that. Yeah, this feels like a very important
and poignant reminder. And I know you have a tremendous
amount of resources available for anybody listening who's really resonating
with this and wants to go deeper on this with you.
Where can they find you and what's the best place
to start?
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Yeah, so you can find me on social media at
Heal with Britt with two te's, and then you can
find more information about working with me, purchasing my new
book Body First Healing, joining my program at bodyfirst Healing
dot com.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
Amazing. Well, I feel like this has been so deeply
touching and impactful, and I'm a big fan of your work.
I will link to all of your programs and your
social interviewer. People can find you in the show notes.
I hope that we do get to do more episodes
in the future. I think this is so important and
the work that you do is so impactful, especially for moms.
Butt thank you so much for your time and for
all that you've shared today.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Of course, thank you would love to stay connected.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
And thank you as always for listening and for sharing
your most valuable resources, your time, your energy, and your
attention with us today. We're both so grateful that you did,
and I hope that you will join me again on
the next episode of the Wellness Mama podcast. If you're
enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to
leave a rating or review on iTunes for me. Doing
(29:50):
this helps more people to find the podcast, which means
even more moms and families can benefit from the information.
I really appreciate your time and thanks as always for listening.
Welk On for My Body's podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
This episode is brought to you by Native Path, and
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E c r e A t I n E or
(01:30):
the link is in the show notes. Hello and welcome
to the Wellness Mama podcast. I'm Katie from Waldnessmama dot
com and this episode is all about somatic healing for moms,
how to regulate your nervous system in real time. And
I am back with Britt Piper, who is an amazing
voice in this realm. She's a renowned speaker and author
(01:52):
bean as somatic experiencing practitioner and in this episode we
get to go deep on this topic, especially two moms.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Why this is.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
So important for moms, especially because of the nervous system
connection with our kids, especially when they are little, and
she gives a lot of hands on and practical tips,
as well as some statistics that I found personally very
relieving and helpful, including that we really actually only need
to show up and be attuned, not even perfect, but
just attuned with our children about thirty percent of the
(02:21):
time for them to develop secure attachment. That they don't
need perfection and they don't need one hundred percent, and
that actually when there are moments where we don't get
it right and don't get it perfect and or there's
rupture and repair that could actually strengthen the bond, it
can help them develop more resilience and better nervous system
regulation over time. She gives advice on how to support
our children in nervous system regulation at various ages, and
(02:43):
how to support ourselves in the busyness and overwhelm of motherhood.
Definitely a lot of practical takeaways in this one, so
let's jump in and learn now. Brit welcome back. Thank
you so much for being here again for this episode.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Yes, I'm looking forward to this one.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Well, you guys, we got to record an incredible first
episode all about the science of safety, and there were
so many actionable things that you mentioned in that episode
great starting points as well as a ton of resources
that I have linked in the show notes. And in
this episode, I would love to really dial in on
something that I think is especially relevant to our listing audience,
which is somatic healing for moms. And I think obviously
(03:21):
sematic healing is important for everyone, but it feels especially
impactful and important for moms who often set the kind
of the nervous system tone for the entire household. But
I would love to hear your perspective on this. Why
is nervous system regulation and safety in this work so
important for moms especially?
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Yeah, so I think you just touched on it there
that moms or caregivers they really do set the tone
for the home their nervous system. Does you know children?
When children are born, they don't have develop nervous systems,
and so they do something called coregulate, or there's a
lot of other ways that you can think of it.
It's also referred to as affects, syncren mirror emotions, mirror neurons,
(04:02):
hard coherence. It all means the same thing, and essentially
it is that our children borrow our nervous systems up
until a certain age. Because theirs are not developed, and
there's develop and adapt based on the health of our
nervous system. So if we are disregulated, our children will
be disregulated. And as a mom myself to two littles,
(04:24):
I have an almost two year old and almost five
year old next month, that felt like a lot of pressure,
especially as someone who came from a history of attachment wounds,
growing up in a dynamic where there wasn't a lot
of healthy regulation modeled to me. Either there was explosive
emotions in our home and walking on age shells, or
(04:47):
we would push things under the rug and act like
it wasn't there, so there was avoidance and overwhelm and chaos.
And so as a new mom myself, what I found
is that the most important, for most importance step for
me and becoming an attuned parent a supportive parent, was
focusing on my own nervous system. We all have often
(05:07):
focused on like what do I need to do for
my kids? How do I help them regulate? How do
I help them move through a big emotion? And what
the most important thing to do is actually make sure
that in those moments your system feels regulated and safe,
because that's going to set the tone, as you said,
and set the standard for how they're able to move
through big moments of activation and stress and dysregulation.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
That makes so much sense, and I didn't I don't
know if I had the words to explain that before,
but I think my family growing up, my parents were
amazing and very loving, but we definitely had more of
that kind of avoidance dynamic in our house. And my
brother and I were having this conversation recently of how
interesting it is, even as adults, even within ourselves to
learn or like attempt to learn how to be able
to do that even within ourselves, much less in relationship
(05:52):
with other people because that was ingrained so early. So
it makes sense to me that you say, like we're
kind of very co regulated with our parents. We adopt
these things early, and then even when we're logically aware
of them as adults, that doesn't mean we just get
to result them because we understand them. There's actually like
work that goes into that as well. Can you talk
a little bit more about how a dysregulated nervous system
can affect parenting and the parent child bond, Like you
(06:14):
mentioned the avoidance aspect, I would guess this can show
up in a lot of different ways, depending on what
we went through in childhood.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Yeah. Yeah, so it can create either direct dysregulation for
a child or it can cause indirect dysregulation. So I'll
give some examples of direct. So let's say that we're
really disregulated, and that we have a system that is
really either shut down so we associate a lot, we're
(06:41):
not super emotionally present, or maybe we're stuck in that
sympathetic overdrive anger response frustration, and so when our little
ones have big emotions, that might trigger our system to
either get frustrated and to lash out at the kids,
which then creates direct disregular in them. Where you know,
(07:01):
children are biologically and instinctually wired to come to their
caregiver their attachment figure for regulation. So when the person
that they are instinctually drawn to to come to for
safety is now the thing that they fear, it creates
a lot of this disorganized dysregulation within the system, which
(07:22):
can then create you know, we could talk all about
attachment styles and patterns and things like that. Another one
would be, you know, if again a child gets upset,
has big emotions and in our system that feels really dysregulating,
so we completely shut down. Then that again can leave
the child to feel now neglected, not safe alone, like
they don't have this safe haven, this attachment to help
(07:45):
them regulate through it. Now, indirectly, how this can show
up is, let's say that we have our own trauma
and our own stress that is creating conditions in our
life that is also impacting our little ones. Let's say
that we have chronic anxiety, and this anxiety shows up
(08:05):
even in moments that have nothing to do with our kiddos. Right,
they're fine, they're regulated, they're over in the corner there,
they don't have big emotions, but we are carrying this
anxiousness around. Over time, the child's nervous system will start
to pick up on my caregiver is not consistently, and
consistent is the big word here. They should probably pause
(08:26):
and say this. There are moments and we can talk
all about the you know, the imperfect parent and all
all the research behind that, but we are not perfect
as parents. We are not perfect humans. We get disregulated
all the time. Rupture and repair is really important. What
I'm referring to here is that if we are chronically
shutting down or lashing out at our kiddo's or if
(08:49):
we are consistently and constantly and chronically anxious around them
or shut down around them, that will start to send
a signal to them that the caregiver, the person that
I rely on for safety, security and regulation, is themselves
never regulated. Therefore, I do not feel safe. My system
doesn't feel safe. And so what we do is we
(09:09):
create an environment that doesn't really foster resilience, presence, connection,
and safety. We are creating an environment where this nervous
system is now wired for survival, for disconnection, for disregulation,
and for danger. Yeah, those are some examples, but again,
(09:29):
the consistent thing is important.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
I feel like that is a really important distinction because
I would guess likely no mom listening has had an
experience of never feeling disregulated or never having a moment
of overwhelm or losing our temper. Like of course, that
would be an unreasonable expectation that I think that's a
really important perspective to remember. Is it's like the consistency
over time, not perfection, but like that connection and presence
(09:52):
most of the time. And like I agree with you,
like I think those that actually like sometimes those moments
when we are overwhelmed depending on how we have gate,
those might actually strengthen the bond long term if we
use this as an opportunity to like reinforce the connection afterwards.
But I think that perspective is super important before we
go forward in the conversation. And I also know like
motherhood feels like a very hands on place to get
(10:15):
to learn this because it is so like demanding of
time and resources and energy. And I know for moms
that like it often feels like there's like time, energy
and attention are stretch thin often and so it's not
like we have all the extra hours in the day
to just you know, focus on our own nervous system regulation.
So what are some kind of hands on, quick somatic
tools that are especially relevant to moms that we can
(10:36):
use when we're feeling overwhelmed or we feel that nervous
system dysregulation starting to happen, maybe to kind of help
before it escalates.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Yeah, yeah, so I'm going to answer that, but I
want to add one more thing to what you just said.
And in my book Body First Healing, I talk about
you know, it's a sematic it's a book for sematic healing.
There is a lengthy, lengthy lengthy chapter on attachment, and
you're probably wondering why is it attachment so important when
it comes to somatic helia nervous system. And that's because
kind of what we're talking about here is that the
(11:05):
relationship that you have with your caregiver is going to
set the tone for how your nervous system develops in childhood,
especially those first three years of life and then the
first six years of life, but really those first three
years of life. But there's a study called the Good
Enough Mother Think. It was Donald Winnicott, infant child psychotherapist,
and what he found is that as long as mothers
(11:26):
and caregivers are attuned to their child thirty percent of
the time, and attuned means I am with you in
your discomfort even if we're not getting this right. As
long as they were attuned thirty percent of the time,
they would have a secure attachment and a secure and
regulated nervous system. And what he found is that having
moments where there is healthy rupture and repair, which is
(11:50):
kind of what you just said, is that these moments
where we feel disregulated or overwhelmed can actually be a
really great teaching moment to our kids. As long as
we're not over the top right out, not being you know,
not creating harm for our children. But it models to
our children how to move through these inevitable moments of imperfection,
of disconnection, of dysregulation, and it makes kids actually more
(12:13):
emotionally resilient. So when we try to carry this perspective
of I need to be perfect, I can't show emotions
in front of my kids, I can't be upset, I
can't be dysregulated, that actually does them a disservice because
that is not how we are wired. We feel activation
all throughout the day, moment to moment, and it's more
about having the tools and the capacity to move through it.
(12:34):
So I just wanted to say that just to add
some science and even more validity to that. But yeah,
somatic practices or you know, I would even say, like
a sematic approach to everyday life. The pressure that moms
are under which is insurmountable at this point, in this
modern day that we live in. We are juggling so
many things and there is kind of this pressure of
(12:55):
I have to be the regulating force in my home.
Like that is a lot of press sure, And so
I think what we were just speaking to here is
giving yourself some grace and recognizing you don't have to
be perfect and that moments of dysregulation are not just normal,
they're almost to be expected, and a moment for opportunity
(13:16):
and growth for our kids, I think allows us to
like let up some of that pressure a little bit,
which is really nice. But some tools that you can do. Okay,
so you know, structure and routine can be really really
helpful for a nervous system. And of course we know
that structure and routine is really helpful for children, right,
So having a routine can be helpful. And then I
(13:38):
would say that having some type of movement. This doesn't
mean that you need to go to the gym, This
doesn't mean that you need to work out. This means
even just taking like five minutes to stretch, or going
on a short walk around the block, or you know,
walking to lunch instead of driving your car if it's
right down the block. These are small things that you
can do to help regulate the system. The nerve system
(14:00):
gets disregulated when it has chronic stress, chronic adrenaline and cortisol.
So when you think about playing and mobilizing the body,
we are exerting adrenaline cortisol. So one of the things
you mentioned, Katie, was that you found that you wanted
to go on these walks as you started doing this work,
So the body will naturally start to crave movement. And
you can even do that through play, Like play with
(14:23):
children provides a lot of sympathetic discharge as well. So
whether it's like playing at the playground, throwing a baseball,
something that you're doing to allow the body to move,
even for just a few minutes a day can be
really helpful to kind of keep the system at baseline.
And then another thing that I would say is taking
(14:43):
time throughout the day. What I've had clients do in
the past is I'll have them set a reminder like
two times a day, and when the reminder goes off,
what they do is they take just sixty seconds to
do what we call resourcing. It's a somatic practice where
you allow the sensory motor system, your senses to just
start to orient. So you just start to orient to
(15:06):
the space that you're in. You can notice thing and
I just took a breath as I did that, I
see you can notice things like texture on the wall, colors, shapes, patterns,
and if you can allow the full head, neck and
eyes to orient, allowing the neck to stretch, what that
(15:26):
does is it stretches your sterno clatoid muscles in the
neck and it also activates the bagus nerve, which stimulates
our parasympathetic rest and digest So we call this exploratory orienting,
and it's kind of like a what we call a
postural attitude where you're doing something with your posture to
(15:46):
switch your nervous system into a more present, curious, and
rested and digested state, rather than defensive orienting, which is
being hypervigilant. Right, how often are we tense around our kids?
What are the millions of things that I need to
be doing? Oh, that kid's climbing on the window. So
exploratory orienting, just do it for a minute, and then
(16:07):
tracking your body, how is my body experiencing this? So
I noticed I took a deep breath. I also noticed
that my shoulders kind of dropped a little bit. I'm
also recognizing that I'm breathing into kind of my deeper
diaphragms into the belly, so more access to breath. So
noticing now how is my body experiencing that? And that
(16:28):
really kind of sets an imprint, a somatic imprint of okay,
we can have a moment of safety in a moment
of reprieve. And then the last thing that I would
say is that when you do feel disregulated, which is inevitable,
I encourage you to follow the three E formula which
I talk about in my book, and the three E
stands for experience, express, and expel. So the first thing
(16:51):
you want to notice is I'm feeling disregulated, How is
my body experiencing this, and if it feels okay to do?
Can you just track how the body is showing you
I'm really anxious right now or I'm really frustrated, So
that could be a sensation. It could be noticing a
behavior of the body like I'm clenching my fists or
I'm clenching my jaw. A sensation would be there's constriction
(17:13):
in my shoulders or there's heat coming up my neck
as I feel really heated, I'm sweating, I'm perspiring. You
want to allow yourself to notice the experience for just
a little bit, maybe like I don't know, twenty thirty seconds,
and then the second he is express so as I'm
noticing this experience, is there anything my body naturally wants
to do to express how I'm feeling. And you might
(17:35):
notice that it's like I just want to like shake
my arms, or I just want to or maybe I
just want to like move, or I want to stretch,
or I want to get up and leave this room.
Maybe you notice that tears start to emerge. So the
body is now expressing or moving through some of that activation,
which leads to the thirty which is expelling. This is
(17:56):
your body's way of expelling the adrenalinine cortisol that enters
into our system when we feel stress and activated. So
you're releasing the lid of that pressure cooker of stress,
allowing it to move through. And this is something you
can do with your kids. So when I feel disregulated
in front of my kids, we have fun little exercises
that we do. I will usually name I'm feeling really
(18:17):
frustrated right now, so I'm gonna just be with myself
for a moment, and I'm gonna be with that frustration, okay.
And usually like I like to coregulate, so I'll like
hold their hands or something, and then I'll notice it
and then maybe after thirty seconds, I'll be like you
want to do some dinosaur stomps with me? Or do
you want to do some growls? So we'll do fun,
playful things to help express and expel that energy. And
(18:38):
at the same time, it's again showing our kids that
we have emotions, we are emotional creatures and that's okay.
So yeah, there's a bunch of different things you could do.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
I love that it feels extremely reassuring that statistically you
mentioned that really we really need to be actually attuned
and present thirty percent of the time, and not even
perfectly in those moments, but just present. That feels probably
like very relieving to a lot of mom's listening. This
episode is brought to you by Native Path and I'd
love to talk about something that might surprise you. When
(19:09):
you think creatine, you might think muscle jimbros. But here's
what the research actually shows. Creating is most incredible for
your brain because your brain uses about twenty percent of
your body's energy, and creating helps fuel those newer pathways.
Studies show that women who supplement with creatine experience better
working memory, faster processing speeds, and reduce mental fatigue. So
if you're juggling work, family and everything in between creating
(19:32):
might be what you're looking for. It also supports the
body in a whole lot of different ways, but I
wanted to focus on the brain aspect for now. When
it comes to creating, though, quality matters. Creating monohydrate is
the most researched form, and I use native path creatine.
Most research says to start with three to five grams
a day that you don't need a loading paste to
spite what some sources say, I personally have experimented with
(19:54):
up to like ten grams per day for the mental benefits,
but as always, talk to your own doctor or healthcare
before starting anything, especially if you have any health concerns.
But for many women, creating can be one of the
safest most research supplements available, and for too long we've
thought of it as for just men. So if you
want to try it, you can save up to fifty
six percent off as a listener of this podcast, plus
(20:15):
get free shipping at Wellnessmama dot com. Forward slash go
forward slash native creatine. So that's Wellnessmama dot com. Forward
slash go forward slash n A t I v E
c r e A t I n e or the
link is in the show notes, and you touched on
this a little bit, but I would love to go
(20:35):
deeper on this, like, how can we best navigate when
there are those inevitable moments of kind of like rupture
and repair, Like how do we best both prepare for
that and navigate those moments in the moments to strengthen
our bond with our kids over time to help give
them good nervous system regulation tools through the experiencing and
the modeling of that and or at various ages, are
(20:56):
there things that we can do kind of in a practical,
enhands on way to support our cads and developing healthy
nervous system responses even if we didn't get that experience
as a child.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Yeah, yeah, So I think the rupture and repair kind
of the healing bomb that we have found, which is
actually the most impactful thing in rupture in repair is
what you actually just mentioned again, which is attunement. And
again it sends that message of I am with you
in this discomfort, I am with you in this disconnect,
I am with you in this moment of dysregulation or
(21:28):
whatever is happening. And the example that I often give
is if you think of a baby, how often do
we not get it right right, They can't explain to
us in verbal measures, so they're sending us all of
these cues, these protests we call social cues for help.
They're crying, they're screaming, they're flailing their arms, and we
(21:48):
can't figure out what's wrong. And so there's this disconnect, right,
and so it's okay, I'm going to change their diaper
and they're still crying and they're still protesting. And I'm
going to change their clothes. Maybe they're hot, and they're
still crying and they're still protesting. We're not getting it right.
I'm going to rock you for a bit. Still don't
get it right. I'm gonna try and put you down
for a nap. No, that's not doing it. Okay, I'm
going to just take you outside for a moment. And
(22:10):
the baby starts to regulate. And so it was not
about getting it right. It was never about I need
to fix this, I need to make you better. It
was this sense of we're disconnected, but I am with
you in figuring this out. And sometimes that attunement and
that sense of a child feeling like even though we're disconnected,
(22:32):
I know I still belong here and I belong with you,
I think can make the biggest difference. And so yeah,
I would say that's probably the one thing I would
mention with rupture and repair is that that attunement, consistent attunement,
the willingness to work through it is probably what matters
the most. And then your second question, can you repeat
(22:52):
your second question again?
Speaker 2 (22:54):
Yeah, just speaking too, like at various ages, maybe there's
like developmental stages with this, but how do we best
help our kids to develop healthy nervous system regulation and
attachment even if we weren't necessarily good at that at
their ages, like if it wasn't something we got in childhood,
how can we help our kids develop that foundation in
a healthier way for sure?
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Yeah, So I would say age wise, you know, when
it comes to nervous system but also brain development. What
we know is that infancy, of course is zero to
three years, and so during those years, that's when children
are really going to be learn how to regulate through coregulation.
So it's less about you know, teaching them how to
(23:36):
move through emotions, and it's more so that coregulation of
I can be a safe anchor for you. You're safe haven
of regulation when you're upset or dysregulated. So zero to three,
it's focusing on your own regulation and knowing that that
is most important for your child in moments when they
are upset or disregulated. After the age of three is
(23:58):
when they start to have that language. And even still
though they they're still operating very much so from their
emotional brain, not so much from their conscious, cognitive, learning,
irrational brain. And so even now and you know, they
have the big leap at the age of four, what
they call the limbic leap, which is the emotional brain.
(24:19):
Even at the age of four, and they also have
for young boys, the testosterone surge that happens. They still
have very big emotions, but they don't have this cortical brain,
this conscious cognitive brain that is really developed yet to
make sense of their emotions. So usually from the ages
I say of four to six is when we're just
helping them to hold space for the emotions, to express them,
(24:42):
to be with them, to move through them, also doing
some coregulation, doing some expressing and expelling at the same time,
and modeling. And then after that then that's where it
really starts to come in of understanding and making sense
of our emotions. So, yeah, you're feeling that way, you're
really frustrated. I hear that. I'd be frustrated too. Let's
(25:03):
talk about it, right, So then you start to talk
through it. And so those are kind of the stages
for early early development. I'd say around the age of twelve,
when we start to hit puberty and a whole new
level of hormones, right, that's where I think all of
those things can come into play. There's coregulation, there's making
space for emotion and expression, and there's also talking through it.
(25:25):
So all three of those things can be at play.
And as you do that, what you find is that
your kids will naturally learn how to self regulate as well.
So in those first kind of you know, that first
big chunk of adolescence, a lot of it is coregulation
because you are helping them to navigate their emotional landscape,
either through your nervous system, through helping them and guiding
(25:47):
them on how to express how they're feeling and get
it out, or number three, making sense of it. And
as you do that, you are now setting the foundation
for how they now self regulate learn how to self
regulate on their own later on in adolescence, amazing. That
is super helpful, and I feel like there's so much
more we could go into on this. We'll have to
maybe do more rounds in the future. But the last
(26:08):
thing I want to make sure we talk about today
would be what would be your advice to moms who
feel guilty about struggling with their own nervous system regulation
or their own emotions. I know mom guilt is its
own big topic, but any quick advice for moms who
like that's another source of maybe stress for them, is
their own guilt about their own emotions. Yeah, you know.
(26:28):
So what I say is that, especially when we talk
about attachment styles and nervous system regulation, you know, people
often will will put labels on our styles for instance. Right,
So I have a lot of clients that come to
me and they're like, well, I'm just anxiously attached and
that's how I will always be. And yes, we can
(26:50):
look at Okay, you're anxiously attached because your first however
many years of life, that was the attachment development or
the attachment relationship that you had with your caregiver. But
when it comes to nervous system development and attachment development,
what we find is that our earliest experiences in childhood
do set They set the tone and the patterns this
(27:11):
predictable path for how we will either be regulated or
disregulated as adults, or securely attached or insecurely attached as adults.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
But these are.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Patterns that are not set in stone. They are set
in place. And so when we have if we feel
like we've come from a place of hey, you know,
I hear this a lot. There's a lot of women
who have older children in my program, and they'll say
I messed my kids up, or there's no turning back,
or what did I do right? And there's all this guilt,
(27:41):
and I have to remind them that our brains and
our nervous systems and our bodies are incredibly plastic and malleable.
If we have intention to change. Nothing is set in stone.
It's just set in this predictable path. And I also
remind them too, you know, how would it have felt
for you as a child to see your parents doing
(28:02):
the kind of healing work or regulation work that you're
doing now. Right, And so for anyone listening to this
podcast right now, my assumption would be is that you
are in the throes of self development, of self healing
of regulating a nervous system that's maybe been wired for survival,
and that is incredible, profound, heavy, heavy work. And so
(28:24):
that also gets passed down to your kids. So just
as trauma, just as dysregulation can be passed down, so
too can healing, no matter what age in life.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
I love that. Yeah, this feels like a very important
and poignant reminder. And I know you have a tremendous
amount of resources available for anybody listening who's really resonating
with this and wants to go deeper on this with you.
Where can they find you and what's the best place
to start?
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Yeah, so you can find me on social media at
Heal with Britt with two te's, and then you can
find more information about working with me, purchasing my new
book Body First Healing, joining my program at bodyfirst Healing
dot com.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
Amazing. Well, I feel like this has been so deeply
touching and impactful, and I'm a big fan of your work.
I will link to all of your programs and your
social interviewer. People can find you in the show notes.
I hope that we do get to do more episodes
in the future. I think this is so important and
the work that you do is so impactful, especially for moms.
Butt thank you so much for your time and for
all that you've shared today.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Of course, thank you would love to stay connected.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
And thank you as always for listening and for sharing
your most valuable resources, your time, your energy, and your
attention with us today. We're both so grateful that you did,
and I hope that you will join me again on
the next episode of the Wellness Mama podcast. If you're
enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to
leave a rating or review on iTunes for me. Doing
(29:50):
this helps more people to find the podcast, which means
even more moms and families can benefit from the information.
I really appreciate your time and thanks as always for listening.
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