Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, let's be honest. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself?
What is it like to date me? What is it like?
What do other people experience when they're dating me? Not
in like a self critical, overthinking, spiraling kind of way
that's going to make you come down on yourself, no,
but just like in a curious, reflective way. Have you
ever actually thought, what's it like to date me? Let's
(00:24):
talk about it. Let's do this shout out. You're listening
to the Thoughts of a Blog Queen podcast with your
host love Renee, a woman. Hey, y'all, welcome back to
(00:52):
the Thoughts of a Black Queen podcast. I'm your host,
the Revenee, also known as blog Queen in the Streets.
Welcome back. If you're tuning in with me again. If
this is your first time, hey, welcome. Thank you guys
for tuning in. I'm so glad that you've decided to
take a moment to come and just chell with me.
I hope that you so this. Let me tell you
what This is what you should do to get the
(01:14):
most out of this this entry and this podcast going forward.
This is what you should do. You should have like
a cute little journal because I'm gonna always come with
the gym, So I'm gonna always come with the gym,
so you can take little notes. You should be somewhere
in a cozy little corner, have me in your ear.
You should have some tea or whatever you want to drink,
(01:37):
and you should just chill with me. I'm not gonna
take up too much of your time. Hopefully you're tuning
into this on self care Sunday. That's really good. But yeah,
I'm always gonna try to give you guys a little
something to take with you. So I really hope that you, like, yeah,
find a little cute little notebook, a little journal or something,
because I'm gonna and we do journal prompts over you here.
(02:01):
We do a lot of stuff. We do call to action,
We have a lot, it's a lot of things that
you can take away from this other than just listening
to me talk. But with that being said, as you
can see by the title of this entry, we're talking
about what it's like to date you, and I wanted
to go let's let's go ahead and just go into it. So,
like I was saying, have you ever thought about that?
(02:22):
Have you ever thought about what it's like for other people,
how they experience you, how you show up. Because here's
the thing, we're always trying to pick apart the other person, right,
We're always thinking about how the other person, how they
are representing themselves, how they're gonna be in the future,
whether they're a good partner for us. We're gonna pick
apart the things that they do on the first date.
(02:43):
We're gonna pick apart the things that they do when
we stay together for the first time, when we go
on a trip. We're gonna pick apart the way that
they communicate. We're gonna pick apart, the way that they argue.
They're gonna pick apart the way that we're gonna pick
up out all the things that they do. Right, But
when do we actually take the time out to pick
apart things that we do, Because there's two people in this.
It's not just you, it's another person in this. So
(03:05):
the same way that you are wanting to make sure
that you are experiencing them in certain ways, or you're
making mental notes of how you're experiencing them, they're doing
the same thing they're experiencing you. And so in order
for you to want to be able to attract better
into your life. You need to be better, and you
need to be consistently working on being better. The best
(03:27):
version of you is going to show up that way
in a potential relationship or in a relationship. So there's
no like whether you're in a relationship right now, whether
you're single, whether you want to be single, whether you
don't want to be single, whether you're waiting for something
like you know, whatever the case may be, you're going
to be able to get something from this because you
(03:48):
need to know how you show up and you need
to know the areas that you need to work on.
And I'm going to be honest about I'm going to
be a little bit transparent about when I realized that
I needed to reflect on how I show up up
because it's something that just kind of clicked on for me.
And as much as I don't want to give credit
where it's due in this circumstance, it was in my
(04:08):
last relationship when I realized this more and this person
he said to me, he said, you know what, a
lot of times I realize that you're right about a
lot of shit. You say A lot of shit that
makes sense, I understand it, but the way that you
deliver it is I shut down because sometimes your delivery
is kind of fucked up. And when he said that
(04:31):
to me, I was like, wow, I never thought about that.
I'm so focused on trying to get my point across,
and I'm so focused on the idea in my mind
that I know I'm right about this, and I'm trying
to just drive this point home, and I'm just trying
to get my point across and make sure I get
all of my thoughts out. Then I'm not even thinking
about the delivery of it. We're not in delivery includes
(04:54):
tone too, But even if you're talking just as calm
as I'm talking right now, it's still a way that
you can deliver it, and it's still not even be effective,
or it's still not be great. There's a lot of
different things that you have to consider. You have to
consider who you're communicating this with. You have to consider
(05:15):
what the circumstances with the situation is like, just from
a big perspect from the whole perspective, not just yours,
not just theirs, from like the whole perspective. So what
we're gonna always do here is this is all about
self self care, self love, self awareness. And I think
(05:35):
that self awareness is the most important because how you
can't embrace your self love. You can't amplify your self
care and prioritize your self care needs if you're not
even self aware that you need to do that. So
self awareness is extremely important over here, and I'm gonna
(05:55):
always touch on that. I'm gonna always make sure that
we focus on that, and so let's you know, let's
let's keep talking about it. So I think that when
we when we're considering how we are showing up in relationships,
(06:21):
how we're coming to the table, I should say I
think that there are a few questions that we can
ask ourselves in terms of like, Okay, this is something
that is very relevant, this is something that I need
to think about. So the first thing that I want
you to ask job is down. The first thing that
(06:42):
I want you to ask is what are your emotional patterns?
What are your emotional patterns in your when you're in relationships?
By that, I mean like and because what is a pattern?
A pattern is something that you consistently do, right, So
in terms of your patterns and emotions, how what does
(07:03):
that look like for you when you're having when certain
things come up, are you super dramatic about it. Are
you very emotional? Just what type of patterns do you
have when it comes down to you being in a relationship.
(07:26):
And I know that can be very broad when we're
just talking about it, but when you begin to think
about it, just think about certain certain things that might
come up with with within a relationship, because your emotions
(07:46):
are depending on what it is they're gonna they're gonna
they're gonna be either amplified, they're not gonna be amplified enough,
or they're gonna come off in a way that you
might not necessarily want them to come off. So we
just have to be mindful of that. How we're handling
that when we don't get our way, How are we
(08:10):
how are we acting to that person? What's the attitude like?
Because sometimes it is you. Sometimes it is you, not
all the time, but sometimes it is you. So so
I'm just gonna whisper that because I know that that's hard.
(08:32):
I know that that's hard to accept. So I'm just
gonna lay that down gently. It is us. Sometimes it
is not always them. It is us. Sometimes we gotta
put on our big girl panties and we gotta understand
that it is sometimes and so I just want us
to be mindful of that. And I want you to
be able to be in a situation or if you
(08:55):
have to ultimately walk away from a situation, I want
you to feel good about the idea that you gave
it your best and that you try to show up
as your best self. So, again, like your emotional patterns,
how are you handling your emotions when you're in a relationship,
The next thing that I want you to ask yourself
(09:15):
is how do you handle like conflict and discomfort? And
remember that conflict doesn't always have to be an argument.
I think it's safe to say that if we're arguing,
if we're actually arguing, that's because there was a conflict
that went to the next level. But I don't think
that all conflicts have to end in an argument, Like
(09:37):
do y'all understand that, like a conflict can come up
from a misunderstanding, A conflict can come up from lack
of consideration in a certain situation. Conflicts can come up,
Conflicts can come up because of third parties like a
work schedule, family members, friends, like, conflict can come up.
(10:01):
But again, it doesn't always have to end up in
an argument. So if when those things come up, how
do you handle the conflict? How do you handle discomfort?
When something does not feel good, when something does not
feel like it's you know it, it feels a little
(10:21):
bit iggy, Like how are you communicating that to your person?
Or how are first and foremost, how are you handling
it with yourself? Are you just shutting down? Are you
just Which leads me to the third thing, what's your
communication style? It's kind of all brings together, right, but
like when when something is uncomfortable, how are you making
(10:42):
that known? Do you have to take time for yourself?
Are you communicating that you're taking time for yourself? So
that's the third thing? What is your communication style? Are
you someone that tends to shut down full transparency? I
know that for me in my mind, I have been
the type of person that will shut down if I
(11:04):
feel like this the conversation isn't gonna go anywhere, especially
if I've gotten to a certain point with a certain individual,
and I'm just like you know, and like I already
know based off of the track record, I already know
this isn't gonna go good, So I'm just gonna shut
this down. I will shut shit completely down, that's not
always well, I'm not gonna say it's never good to
(11:25):
just shut down. Even when you need to take a moment.
You need to acknowledge that you need to take a
moment before you can have this conversation. Don't just shut down.
And that's something that I'm like actively trying to work on.
I know that, like for me my communication style, like
if there's something that I know that we need to
(11:47):
talk about, or if I'm asked a question, I tend
to be the type of person that wants to reflect
on it for a moment. I want to think about
it for a second before I just come out and
I give you an answer, because I want to make
sure that I'm giving you the answer that I mean,
how many times have you had a conversation, argument, conflict, whatever,
dialogue with someone and then you reflected on it after
the fact and you thought about all of the things
(12:08):
that you should have said. I hate when I do that,
and I do that often. And that's across the board
that There's been times where I've had meetings like with
boss lady or in past relationships or having those transparent
conversations with friends and you think about it after that
I'm like, I should have said this when they said that,
(12:28):
You know what I should have said when they said that.
So it's like for me, I like to try to
take time, and there have been people that I attempted
to date that didn't really understand that. And that was
something that I consistently heard across the board. When we're
talking about and we're thinking about what do people say
about you? What kind of feedback are you getting from
people that you've actually dated. One thing that I've noticed
(12:49):
that more than one person has said about me is
that when they ask me a question, I tend to
get quiet for a minute. And they don't have patience
with that. They're like, you don't have an answer. You
ignoring me. They think that I don't want to talk
about it. They think that I don't have an answer.
They think that I'm just shutting down, and that's not
the case. It's just that I want to think about
(13:11):
what it is that I'm going to say to you first.
And so when I started communicating that, then it became
something that was known and then like I would hear, okay,
and I know you need to Like they'll ask me
a question and then they're like Okay, I know you
need a minute, so I'm I'm gonna let you have
a minute before you answered it. I think about it.
I don't have to answer it right now. And that's
(13:31):
because I had the conversation and I communicated that, Okay,
sometimes I need to think about what I want to say.
I want to process through this answer. I remember in
the last the last guy that I attempted to date,
(13:53):
I remember that I found myself saying, you know what,
I don't have an answer for that right now, or
I've said something like you know what, I don't think
I can give you the best answer to my best
response to that right now, let me think about that
for a second. And the response to that is so
much more healthier than just not saying anything and not
(14:15):
communicating that, and then you got somebody wondering, You got
somebody thinking you don't care. You got somebody thinking that
there's a problem and that you know, it's just not
going to go anywhere. But no, it's just I've communicated
that I just need sometimes I want to take a minute,
and so then it becomes more acceptable. And then I've
heard where people like are acknowledging that they're understanding it
(14:38):
and they accept it. Okay, So let's again these are
the questions that I want you to ask yourself in
terms of how you're showing up in relationships. Number one,
what are your emotional patterns? Number two, how do you
handle conflict and discomfort? And number three what's your communication style?
(15:01):
The last thing that I want you to that I
want you to ask yourself because all of this really
kind of falls under the communication umbrella, but I want
you to ask yourself, do you truly listen or are
you just always preparing to respond? Because I think that
I think that I've done that before too. Some people
they listen and they just they want to be on
(15:22):
defense mode all the time. So there it's like they're
not even really truly listening. They're hearing, they're hearing what
the other person is saying, but they're not really listening
and they just want to be there. They're super focused
on the point that they were trying to make, and
they're just ready to go ahead and prepare the next
point that they're about to make, but they're not actually
(15:43):
listening to the other person. So do you think that
you really truly listen? Do you really listen? So that
kind of like, I think that all of those those questions,
those four questions, those are kind of like reflecting on
(16:05):
your communication and what areas you can improve in your
conversation and what areas you can do better in Again,
this is a this is a safe space. This is
a safe space for you to really, like I want
you to really be honest with yourself. And so in
(16:25):
terms of like this being a safe space, just remember
that just like like you are your own safe space,
you have to create a safe space for your person.
So when someone is trying to be vulnerable with you,
are you creating that space for them to be able
to do so or or do you have them shook?
(16:48):
Do you have them feeling like if they say something,
you're gonna get pissed off? As a man, I think
because men have to men have been taught that they
have to be so strong all the time and that
they like emotions are should be foreign to them, and
like expressing their emotions, like a lot of them were
(17:09):
taught that, and so that's just how they operate. But
then sometimes you have you have situations where when they
finally do feel like they are able to be a
little bit vulnerable, some people take away from that. Some
women will say they're being weak. Some women will say
they're complaining, some women will say they're you know, they
(17:31):
will downplay the person's well, that man, we're talking about
a woman and a man, but they will they will
downplay that man's moment where he thought that he was
being vulnerable and he thought that he could be vulnerable,
and they'll take away from that. So ask yourself, are
you truly providing a safe space as you would want
(17:52):
to save space? Because here's the thing we're talking about
reciprocity here. We're talking about making sure that all of
the things that we need and that we desire and
that we require in our relationships, these are things that
we have to be able to come forth with as well.
It's not just about you. It's not just about us,
(18:12):
it's about the other person as well. So I hope
y'all are, like, I hope y'all taking some notes. Take
some notes. Okay, So we talked about like making sure
that we have the like, we're thinking about how we're communicating,
(18:34):
We're thinking about whether or not we're providing a safe
space for this person. And now I want you to
really be honest and think about what your strengths and
your flaws are in a relationship. What are your strengths?
(18:57):
So when you talk about and think about what your
strengths are, here's what I want you to do. I
want you to jot down at least three things that
make you a really good partner. What three things about
you make you a really good partner? I think one
thing for me, Like, just for me, I think I'm
(19:23):
pretty well grounded. And I think that because I am
an impath, I have an understanding of different circumstances and situations.
So I think that I am really good at making
a person feel comfortable with me, not making a person
feel like they have to go through hoops and hurdles
(19:44):
in order to be in order to be with me.
I think I'm really good at making the other person
feel comfortable. So I want you to continue to think
about that, what three things do that about you make
you a great partner? And then on the other side
of that, what three things might make you a difficult
(20:07):
person to deal with? Be come on down, come on, sis,
I need you to be real honest. It's not it's
not always them, it's you. Sometimes I'm keep saying, keep
saying that what things about? What three things three? And
you gotta come up with three. Don't act like it's
(20:27):
only one thing. You gotta come up with three? What
three things might make you a difficult partner to be with.
For me, it's if I if I don't say what
I mean, if I don't express myself, and I continue
to think that just shutting down is the best option
(20:50):
that is going that is one hundred percent gonna make
me a difficult person to be with, because then the
other person doesn't they can't read my mind. He can't
read my mind, so he doesn't know what I'm thinking.
He doesn't know like what to do. So I know
(21:11):
that that's one of the things that can make me
a difficult person by me shutting down. So when you're
doing these things, when you're listing these things out, because
this is this is your takeaways, listing three things that
make you a great partner, three things that might make
you a difficult partner. But when you're doing this, I
(21:31):
want you to do this with still, Do this with
compassion in your heart for yourself. Don't do this from
a judgmental, self critical type a way. Do this with
compassion for yourself. I think that like for me, I
(22:05):
know that I'm I'm I'm I'm extremely passionate about things
that I want to say. I know that i'm I'm
deeply loyal in my relationships and I love really hard.
I know that about myself. But I know that when
(22:29):
I am not being understood, when I'm feeling misunderstood. And
I know when I'm feeling misunderstood because when I'm listening
to the person as they are responding to what I'm saying,
I'm hearing I'm hearing that you misunderstood me. So when
I hear that, it's like, I will emotionally shut myself
(22:50):
down if I feel like I'm being misunderstood because it's like,
in my mind, I'm telling myself, you don't get it.
You just don't get it. And that's not what we
really want to do. So the more that we can
wrap our minds around our self awareness, it's gonna make
(23:13):
you a better partner. It's gonna make you a better
version of yourself having emotional maturity. Having emotional maturity isn't
about you or being able to be perfect in that sense,
(23:37):
but it's just it's it's more so the accountability of it,
and that to me when I see when I'm on
the when I'm on the other side of it, and
I see where someone lacks in that, that gets frustrating
for me. So then in turn, when I get frustrated
because I'm seeing a lack in how you're showing up
(23:57):
emotionally or how how available you are not being emotionally,
when I see that, then I get frustrated. And then
that's what's causing the shutdown. And I'm not saying not
to put that on another person or to flip the
blame off of me, but I'm just saying I've realized that,
(24:17):
so I've had to try to figure out how to
work on that. And I'm doing this because and I
wanted to do this episode because I want us to
make sure that we are attracting the things that we need.
We're attracting into our life, the people and the energy
(24:41):
that we need in order for things to be a
bit more successful than they have. And I think that
when we can acknowledge things that we can work on
and in the meantime, in the meantime, in between time,
we can be working on those things and just see
what happens, see what we do get to attract see
what situations were put in and we'll go from there.
(25:09):
But I just think that attracting healthier relationships into your
life has to start with you. So you have to
be able to be a healthy version of yourself in
a relationship in order for you to kind of attract that, right,
(25:31):
because you're gonna you're gonna like attracts. Like, So there's
that I just want you got I like, I just
wanted to make sure that I put an emphasis on
the fact that being self aware does it doesn't mean
(25:52):
being self critical. It means being self honest. It means
it just means being honest with your self. So when
you do that, there's there's that's when you're going to
see the difference between dating just for a distraction or
(26:13):
for actually dating for a connection. I think this whole,
this whole, like all of this is going to help
you realize exactly just how you're showing up. I guess
(26:35):
I want to say, but I want you to just
I just want you to do it in a healthy way. Okay,
So I want you to make sure you guys, first
of all, don't forget about the blog. But I just
wanted to like go back a little bit and make
(26:58):
sure that you have everything that we talked about. There
were some questions and there were some things that I
want you to just reflect on and ask yourself. Take
these things with you, ladies. They're really good things that
and resources and tools that we can use. And when
(27:18):
you set the tone and you set the example, when
you start using some of the resources and the tools
that you've learned from not just me, from wherever you're
getting like the self help from when you start implementing
those things and started acknowledging that I'm okay, I'm gonna
try to do this a better way because I want
to make sure that you feel like you have a space,
(27:39):
a safe space to be vulnerable. So I wanna I'm
gonna do this or I'm gonna say this. When you
start doing that, you're setting the tone for the relationship.
You're setting a great tone for the relationship. Again, the
(28:02):
goal is not to be perfect in these situations. The
goal is not to tear yourself down or lift yourself up.
The goal is to just be aware of how you're
moving and aware of the things that you're doing or
the things that you could be doing better. Okay, so
(28:27):
we're gonna hear from our partners really quick, and then
we're gonna come back. And when we come back, we're
gonna talk about some red flags and some growth points
that may or may not apply to you. But we're
gonna go through the little list that I have and
we're gonna kind of pick those apart and see, you know,
(28:49):
see what we can come up with. What's the new
movie d secret you have? I'll go first. Recently, while
everyone is going crazy over Korean skincare price, I've added
something else to my routine that I don't think we're
talking about enough. For centuries back, some of the skin's
best vitamins and antioxidants were found in things like goljieberries, dates,
(29:11):
red roses, and what is known as the jujubt has
been a best kept secret. Mixed with things like ginger
and brown sugar, you have a subtle and sweet mixture
of what nourishes your skin from the inside out, because
remember that's where it starts to bring beauty to the
surface and helps to give you that healthy detox and
(29:31):
glow your skin deserves. Okay, now, what's your secret? All right?
(29:54):
So let's be okay, let's stand I'm laughing because I'm
just thinking about some of the things that I have
on this list, and I could just all I could
just clearly remember a time where all of this shit
applies to it all applies. So I want you to
(30:14):
really be honest. I want you to listen to these things,
and I want you to listen to the red flag,
and I want you to actually listen to the growth point.
So the growth point is like so it's like the
right and wrong way to do shit or for lack
of a better word. All right, so let's get into
these I have. I have a little list of these.
(30:35):
We're gonna go through as many of these as we
can and then we will get into the wrap up.
But all right, so in terms of how you're showing
up in your relationships, what it's like to date you,
let's think about a few things. Okay, I'm gonna give you,
guys a list of our red flags and our growth points.
(30:58):
All right, Number one a red flag. Think about this.
Now you're gonna think I'm gonna give these to you
in terms of like it's gonna sound like I'm talking
about the other person. But I want you to think
about if this is some of the things that you
do be honest with yourself, and I want you to
put a point down, like do like a red flag
(31:21):
and a green flag or a red flag and a
growth point. I want you to give yourself a point
every time one of the red flags applies to you,
because then we're going to see how many we have
that we need to work on. Right. So the red flag,
you always blame your exes for everything that went wrong
(31:43):
in past relationships. It's always it was always then. Now.
I know it's very easy for you to probably think
about somebody that you were with who did that, But
I want you to think about yourself. Are you someone
who always says it was always the other person that
(32:06):
caused everything to go wrong. That's the red flag. The
growth point here is that you can acknowledge past mistakes
and you're actively working through those patterns. That's literally emotional maturity.
(32:28):
You acknowledge your past mistakes. Especially when the relationship is over,
we're gonna you know, you're gonna still think about that
other person, but you need to be thinking about yourself,
right because when you go on into the next relationship,
you need to come into that relationship prepared in a sense,
prepared to be able to be in a relationship, and
(32:50):
it's things that you have to be able to do
in a relationship and be emotionally mature. It's one of
those things, all right, So are you always blaming others
or are you acknowledging your past mistakes? All right? The
next one, you're shutting down or stone walling during every conflict.
(33:16):
You're shutting down, stone walling during every conflict. And before
we go any any further, I want to go back
to the first one because let's let's okay, let's do this.
Let's talk about why it's a red flag, and let's
(33:38):
talk about why it's the growth point. Let's let's do
it that way because I want to give a little
bit more context and make sure you guys are like
understanding where I'm coming from. So the red flag is
that you're always blaming your ex for everything that went
wrong in the relationship. That's a red flag because there's
lack of accountability, and that is a big red flag,
(34:00):
a warning sign. Someone who has a lack of accountability
is a warning sign. So then in terms of the
growth point, when when you're able to acknowledge your past
mistakes and you're actively working through those patterns that you
have picked up on and the other people have picked
up on those. That's a growth point because that shows
(34:21):
emotional maturity. That's literally emotional emotional maturity in action. All Right,
here's the next red flag. You're shutting down or you're
stone walling during every conflict. This is a red flag
because it's it's gonna block communication, right, It's gonna block communication,
(34:43):
and you can make make the other person feel as
though you don't really care. You're gonna make the other
person feel like you're not emotionally available. Okay. The growth
point here is acknowledging. And I talked about this before.
(35:11):
It's just something that I'm actively trying to make sure
that I'm doing. Is just needing a moment to process
before responding in a tough conversation. Remember I was talking
a little while ago and I said, sometimes I'll say,
you know what, I don't think that I can I
don't have the best answer that I can give you
to that just this moment. That's something that I've actively done,
(35:34):
and I've done in multiple situations, and it has been
received very well, to the point where then the person
kind of expected that and always gave me that grace.
So when you're telling them that you need that moment,
you need to process this before you have this conversation,
(35:55):
it's showing that you have emotional regulation and self awareness.
It's letting them know that, like, Okay, you know what,
I want to make sure I give you the best answer.
I don't have all of the words, I don't have
all of the thoughts right now, so I probably don't
need to talk about this right now. It's gonna show
them that you are very self aware, and that's it's
gonna be very enlightening to them. All right. The next
(36:17):
red flag, let's keep this moving because I don't want
to keep you guys here too much longer. The next one,
the next red of the next fact is that your
jealousy will lead to control. If you have jealousy, it
can lead to control. Where you're trying to like check phones,
your isolate like you want you want to isolate them
(36:38):
from their friends. You're just under constant suspicion. Do you
remember how you used to do all of those things? Well,
all right, so check yourself, check yourself, and when it
comes to that, do you let jealousy control any part
of you? And you'll know that you have because you're
(37:02):
doing some of those things, not wanting them to have
a life outside of you wanting to check their phone.
Like all of these things are gonna be things that
you're just like nervously anticipating, and you know what I mean,
and you're just gonna it's gonna be on your mind, Like,
you gotta let some of that stuff go for your
(37:23):
own peace of mind. Otherwise it's coming off as toxic behavior, right,
toxic behavior that is rooted in insecurity. So where is
(37:45):
the growth point here? Instead of just feeling jealous and
feeling like you gotta do all of these other little things,
maybe you can just try to admit that you feel
you're feeling insecure in this and you're feeling insecure and
(38:09):
you're feeling that you've been put in a situation that
is hard for you to handle and it's causing you
some feelings of insecurity, and you can do that without
trying to control the situation, like just give me your phone. No,
(38:35):
don't do it that way, that's not the approach to take.
Maybe say, you know, I'm feeling a little bit insecure
about some things and I need to talk these things
out with you. That's gonna be You're gonna it's gonna
be received better, okay. And when you do it that way,
(38:57):
you're showing that you're giving the benefit of the doubt.
There's vulnerability there, and that there's an opportunity for us
to have a deeper conversation and a connection from this.
If I'm telling you how I'm feeling about it, what's
bothering me, what's making me feel uncomfortable, ill write another
(39:21):
red flag. If you never apologize, nothing is ever your fault.
You're someone who says it's not that deep. Often you
never want to say you're sorry. If you do not
like to tell your partner, your person, the person that
(39:43):
you claim to love. If you don't ever want to
apologize for anything, there's a there's a deeper problem there,
because even if something comes up and you don't feel
like you did anything wrong, you never know how you
made that how your actions may have made that person
feel right. So when you say things like it's really
(40:05):
not that deep, it's never your fault, as always the
other person's fault. This I'm telling you right now, you're
being dismissive and low key. You're kind of like gaslighting
a little bit so by telling them that they're like
everything is always their fault, like nothing, you're never wrong
(40:27):
about anything, and you're always just trying to show that
you can prove a point. It's low key gaslighting, and
I don't listen. We know, we all know how we
feel about the gas lighters. So okay, another red flag.
(40:47):
Which it's very easy for me to think about this
in terms of someone else doing this, but I really
had to dig deep to put myself in this circumstance.
But constantly love bombing a person and then withdrawing emotionally,
(41:09):
that was hard for me to wrap my mind around it.
I'm like, I literally don't do that. But as I
really reflected more into it, I realized that I was
doing that because it wasn't that the feelings weren't there.
It was that the feelings scared me. So it's like
I'm free flowing, I'm letting things flow. I'm just living
(41:29):
in the moment. I'm saying all of these things that
I'm feeling. And then I have a moment because y'all
know I talk about the anxiety often. I deal with anxiety,
and so then the anxiety of it all makes me
feel like, oh, shit, I did too, Like that was
too much. So when you're doing that, just know that,
(41:52):
like when you're saying all of these things, all of
these about these feelings or how you're feeling about person,
and it's just so deep and then you just the
next week you just pull back from that. Yeah, that's
that's toxic. And that's like a manipulation tactic. Quite honestly,
(42:14):
I know that if someone was doing that to me,
it's like, why were you so heavy in it last
week and this week you're barely You're barely here and
I just mean, like you're barely mentally here, all right?
(42:37):
What about if like just not wanting to talk at all,
like not wanting to talk your feelings out at all,
like you just you just refuse to do it. It's
very easy for us, and I know we've all experienced
this where the other person they just they want to
run from it. They want to run from it, and
they don't want to talk about it. All. This is
(42:57):
about being an argument. I don't have time for argument.
I just want piece. I hate when men say that.
But let's be honest about whether or not that's something
that we do do We run from hard conversations do
we run from talking about emotions. Here's the one thing
(43:22):
that I think that no one should ever say and
be okay with it. You shouldn't say it, and you
should not be okay with someone saying it to you.
If someone is that that's just how I am type of person,
you need to just get that person out of your life.
If that, if you hear someone say that's just how
I am as an excuse for poor, pissed, poor behavior
(43:42):
in a relationship, I'm sorry if I was all in
the mic on that. If you are with someone who
says that's just how they am at their big age,
and I'm an assuming I'm assuming because I'm assuming that
I got grown folks listening to this podcast, So I'm
just you're grown. So if you have a person who
(44:05):
tends to say that's just how I am, that is
so that like there's no growth there. That's literally the
definition of a person not growing. And if you are
going to be in a relationship with someone and you're
trying to work on yourself and you're trying to grow,
why would you want to be with someone that's not
trying to grow. So I'm speaking to anybody that's listening
that says that about themselves. When you say that's just
(44:28):
how I am, understand that that's a shitty attitude. That's
a shitty perspective to have. That's not fair in the
least bit. That is definitely showing that you're emotionally unavailable.
(44:52):
And when you have emotional unavailability, you know what that's
then going to create. That's going to create an intimacy barrier.
How deep can you really get in your intimacy if
you can't even talk about your emotions that all of
that flows together, It all flows together. Here's another red
(45:18):
flag that you may have. If you're someone who is
consistently making jokes at the other person's expense, That is
a red flag. If you're always making jokes, if you're
always trying to come down on the other person, you're
(45:41):
always sarcastic in everything that you say, that is a
big red flag. And it's it's it's manipulation. But you
think that because you try to like add the lol
on it, or you try to like make it out
(46:02):
to be a joke, that it should be any accepted
more and it shouldn't. And the last red flag that
I want to point out is that if you expect
(46:29):
the other person to heal your wounds or for them
to be your emotional therapist. Listen, there's a difference between
being vulnerable with your person, communicating and wanting to talk
to that person, versus like having these expectations that this
(46:51):
person is just supposed to just fix everything just like that,
and it's not you know what I mean, They're supposed
to just fix everything and change everything and everything is
going to be all good. That's like not even that's
just not fair. That expectation is not realistic. When you
(47:17):
do that, you are just emotionally dumping. If all you
have to ever talk about is all the bad stuff
and the negative stuff, and this can be in a
romantic relationship, this could be in a friendship. If all
you're coming to the table with is negativity, you're always
talking about your problems, You're never asking them how they're doing,
(47:39):
what's going on in their life. If it's always just
about you and what you're going through and all the
problems that you have every time you connect with this
particular person or whatever person you're thinking about, if that's
always the case, just understand that that is a huge
red flag and to have that expectation on them. That's
(48:04):
kind of like a codependency. It's like where you you
don't have nothing else to talk about except for all
the bad shit. So I just need to dump all
this shit and you just gotta listen to it because
you are my person and that's just what we have. No, No,
that's not really, that's not how we're gonna operate. So
(48:26):
I just really want you guys to start like thinking
about those things because remember, like we can't We can't
fully now, we cannot fully control how others perceive us, right,
we can control that, but we can be aware of
how we come across things like our communication style, our tone,
(48:48):
and how we're receptive to the other person's perspective. All
of these things matter in terms of dating you. All
of these are things to think about. Your energy, introduce
U you before your words ever do so, the way
that you communicate in a relationship, your boundaries that you set,
(49:10):
silence that you might fall into, affection that you do
or do not give. All of this stuff matters, and
it all sends a message to the other person. They're
collecting data just like you are. How are you showing up?
Are you distant? Do you think that you might be
(49:31):
too intense? Are you too independent? Like too independent? Like
you're so independent that you won't even ask for help
even if you might need it. Like just how are
you actually showing up in your relationships? These are these
are important things, y'all. I really want you to think
(49:54):
about it, because when you have self awareness, that's sexy.
Self awarenes is sexy, and emotional intelligence is attractive. When
you know who you are and how you show up
(50:14):
in love. The moment that you have that figured out,
you stop dating people just to fill avoid, just to
say that you stop doing that, and you're gonna start
connecting with people from a place of fullness, not just
avoid that you're trying to feel because you're at a
certain age and you're like, you want to start dating
(50:37):
or you you know what I mean. Once you have
become intentional about the way you show up for and
love yourself, this is when you're gonna begin to attract
more of that same type of energy into your life.
The better you know yourself, the better you love, and
(50:59):
the better you love, the more likely you are to
attract someone who sees, who values, and who honors the
real you and the capacity that you have to pour
into that relationship. They're gonna see all of that, they're
gonna feel all of that. Working to get to know
(51:22):
yourself more is beneficial for any relationship, any potential relationship.
Trust me on this. It's so freeing when you start
acknowledging the things that you can do better, and when
(51:43):
you start putting those things into play, it's like, damn,
you feel like a grown up. You feel real grown
about it. Because again, we're always focusing on the other person.
We're always focusing on the other person, and they what
they ain't doing, never feel us on ourselves. So I
really hope that you, guys, well after you hear this,
(52:05):
you'll start thinking about that a little bit more. We
don't want to be selfish and relationships, and we don't
want to attract a selfish partner. So we want to
make sure that not only are we looking out for
ourselves and that we're like we're doing the work. We're
doing the work so that we can be a better
(52:26):
version for the other person. All right, listen, this has
gone on way too long. I'm going to We're gonna
I got a journal prompt that I'm gonna give you, guys,
and then but before we end this, y'all know what
we gotta do. You have to give me a moment
to pour into you. Let's do it. Okay, So you're
(53:09):
being poured into today by Humble the poet from his
book Unlearned one hundred and one Simple Truth for a
Better Life. I don't know if I did we already
go over this. I don't think we did this already.
I hope that we didn't do this, And I apologize
if I, like I got so wrapped up in the entry.
I don't even remember if I did this. But here
we go. A simple shift in what your mind is
(53:31):
paying attention to can do wonders for the way you feel.
It's not a trick, it's not a gimmick. It's respecting
the fact that happiness is a mindset. So set your
mind to happiness by thinking of happy. Shit, it doesn't last,
but is it supposed to? Does it make sense to
(53:52):
be happy all the time? If you were happy all
the time, would you even know what happiness anymore? Then?
Improve your relationship with all your emotions, because there's a
lot to discover from them. I'm grateful that I have
a variety of emotions. They teach me something new about myself.
(54:15):
On a regular basis, we hide the darkness with our smiles,
feel lonely in crowded rooms, and become so accustomed to
these feelings that we begin to believe they're part of
who we are. They're not. You won't be the same person.
If you let them go, you'll be better again. This
(54:40):
is from the book Unlearned, which is an international bestseller.
It's one hundred and one simple truth for a Better
Life by Humble the Poet. I will try to have
that in the show notes. Let me know what you
(55:03):
guys thought if you're tuned into this. If you have not, like,
let me well, okay, before we go there, I'm gonna
like wrap this topic up. But again, the purpose of
this entry, you guys, is just to throw some self
awareness out there. Self awareness gems rather so that we
(55:24):
can be mindful of how we're moving to. We want
to make sure that we're being fair. We want to
make sure that we're given the best that we have
of ourselves, and so in order to do that, we
gotta do the internal work. Okay, So I hope that
(55:45):
you got something from this. I was really excited to
do this particular entry because I've you know, if you've
been following along, we're in the midst of the solo season,
and so I just wrapped up my May solo date.
(56:05):
If you don't know, I've been doing one every month
since last July. And so I just thought that all
of this, while we're in the solo season, we are
wrapping this up. We have like three more entries to go,
and then we're wrapping this solo season era up and
we're gonna move into something different. But I just thought
it was really fitting to while we're in this solo
(56:27):
season series for us to talk about the self awareness
of what it's like to be in a relationship with us.
So again, I just I hope that you're able to
take something away from this. So the call to action,
(56:51):
let's let's get into that, because I have a little
something that I want you guys to do. All right,
(57:11):
So here's your call to action. I want you to journal.
Y'all knew it was coming. Y'all know how I feel
about journaling. I want you to journal, and the one
and what I want you to journal about is what
is it like to date me? Or what do I
think it's like to date me, and I want you
to be very honest about that. What type of person
(57:32):
am I? What is it like to date me? I
want you to journal about that because you might be
surprised by what you discovered. And once you really think
about that and write that all out, listen, it's going
to be on your mind. And so when you go
into your next relationship or when something comes up, if
(57:55):
you're already in a relationship, when it comes up, it's
going to be something that you're going to be more
mindful of and that you're going to acknowledge. So that
is your call to action. I want you, guys to journal.
I hope that you were taking down, you know, some
of these little some of these little nuggets. I hope
(58:16):
that you were jotting them down. Just a quick update
on things that I have going on before I wrap
this up. We're pulling up on an hour and so
I want to get you guys out of here. I
want you to just keep in mind I'm gonna link
put my link tree in the show notes, so don't
forget that. I am working on building the community over
(58:40):
in the Patreon, so you can add yourself to that
community as a free member. There are a couple of
other layers. We have the Lobby and we have the Pentiles.
These are paid tiers. If you want to support me
and support my platform, then you can become a member
of the Lobby or you can become a member of
the pins. The lobby is is ex Everything on Patreon
(59:04):
is exclusive content of mine. You will not find it
anywhere else. And again there's three different levels to that.
You can be a free member, you can be a
member of the Lobby, you can be a member of
the Penthouse. And I'm just going to let you know
ahead of time, becoming a member of the Penthouse is
gonna get it. It gets a little. It's gonna get
It's spicier up there. Okay, it's a penthouse and the
(59:25):
lobby is cool, it's chill. Got a lot of shit
that you don't you know that you're not going to
see on anywhere else my socials, you're not going to
see it there. But it's just not as spicy as
up on the Penthouse. So again, if you want to
support me on my platform, police head over to Patreon.
It is an app that you can download. You can
also access it from just like your browser, but it
(59:46):
just supports me. It's a community that I'm building. I'm
getting ready to I'm about to see about starting a
book club over in the Patreon community. And just a
few other things. We have some goodies like for the
in the free tier, we have like self care for
the zodiacs. I'm going to put So when I did
(01:00:08):
my really quick I did my last solo date. I
did a cozy at home solo date for May. Because listen,
my May went by extremely fast. And so I when
I the last week of May, I was like, you
know what, I haven't done a home date in a minute.
I haven't done one since February, so I'll just go
ahead and do one for May. And so what I
got was one of those do y'all know those little
(01:00:28):
like cold case files you have to figure out kind
of like who did. It's kind of like an upgraded,
like upgraded version of Clue. Do y'all remember that game Clue.
I used to love that game so bad when I
was young. So that's why I think this particular like
this game. I guess we'll call it a game, but
(01:00:49):
just like figuring out the pieces of this this cold
case is so fun to me. So I'm gonna put
that in the free content. I'm gonna put a lot
of different things in the free content, but my Patreon
you'll get you'll get up. Like I said, everything over
there is gonna be exclusive. But anyways, I'm getting to ramble,
and so I'm gonna go ahead and wrap this up.
(01:01:10):
Don't forget to follow me on my socials. You guys
know you can follow. I'm everywhere. I'm everywhere Instagram, Facebook, YouTube.
Oh and speaking of YouTube, I do have something coming
one week and I'll as we get closer to our
fiftieth episode, i'll talk more about it. But just keep
this in mind. I'm just gonna say this these two
(01:01:31):
words and then and that's it. Afterthoughts, afterthoughts. All right,
So I want to tell y'all, but I'm not gonna
tell y'all it's gonna be I'm gonna wait. I'm wait
till we get a little closer there, and i'm gonna
I'm gonna post about it. But anyways, I appreciate you guys.
I appreciate you guys for tuning in. I hope that
you're having an amazing day if you're listening to this
(01:01:52):
on self Care Sunday, I hope that you're winding down,
putting yourself first, pouring into yourself. Remember that you cannot
pour from an empty cup. I appreciate it everyone who
is consistently tuning in, who is downloading the podcast, who
is supporting the podcast, who's sharing the podcast. If you
haven't yet left your girl a review, please leave a review.
It is so beneficial to me. It's beneficial to potential
(01:02:15):
my potential audience. It lets them know that there are
people that are listening to it, that are enjoying it,
and that gets something from it. So I would be
grateful to you that. If you're listening to this on
Apple Podcasts or Spotify, if you have an opportunity to
lead a review, let me know what you liked about
this entry, what you let me know what you like
about the podcast in general. And yeah, I'm gonna wrap
(01:02:38):
this up you guys, So until next time, peace and blessings.
Let's do this shout out. You're listening to the thoughts
of a blog queen podcast with a woman