May 5, 2023 • 32 mins
In this episode, Aalia is joined by Michael Kaye, the Director of Brand & Communications at OkCupid. Michael brings his insights into the online dating world and all things romance! He discusses the importance of emotional intelligence in dating and creating meaningful relationships. Michael and Aalia both share their personal experiences with online dating and relationships. Michael also shares about OkCupid’s efforts to connect online daters based on what actually matters and to create a safe dating space for all users. They also discuss the hot topic of AI and the role it can play in online dating!
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Stay connected to our guest: @michaelkayepr
UNSUGARCOATED™ Media is a 501c3 media enterprise, using podcasts, print publications, short documentaries, and more to tell stories of empowerment in the face of adversity and trauma. For more information on our goals, content, and sponsorship opportunities, please visit our website.
Like, comment, and subscribe!
Stay connected with your host on IG: @aalia_unsugarcoated
Stay connected to our guest: @michaelkayepr
UNSUGARCOATED™ Media is a 501c3 media enterprise, using podcasts, print publications, short documentaries, and more to tell stories of empowerment in the face of adversity and trauma. For more information on our goals, content, and sponsorship opportunities, please visit our website.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
From Ubian Studios. You're listening toUnsugarcoated with Aliya bringing you interviews with public
figures and inspirational people speaking on selfimprovement with empowering themes. And I'm your
host, ali Elaneus. Hello andwelcome back to another episode of your favorite
social good talk show. I'm sohappy to be here with you today and
(00:20):
I have a couple things that I'mgoing to talk about before we get into
our episode and our guest. ButI hope for you, wherever you are,
that you are just having an amazingday for yourself. Here in La
it's raining, but that doesn't stopus from doing what we need to do.
Right I don't melt, so I'mhappy to be here in the studio
and you know, just another incredibleepisode for you. I want to share
(00:46):
that we have so for those ofyou who know the different ways to support
us, we do have a campaignthat we've launched recently and it's a little
hard to show right here, butit is our hoodie and we have live
Empowered on the sweatshirt. For thoseof you know my personal story, I
was homeless at fourteen years old.I know what it's like to be on
the street. I slept in akaiser. I see you waiting room.
(01:06):
I've had circumstances that we're not pleasant. And when I see the homeless community
which is growing and growing and growing, especially here in LA Unfortunately for a
variety of factors, I know Ican't fix everything, but I focus on
what I can do. So forany hoodie that is sold, which first
of all, that is a taxdeductible donation towards Unsugarcoated Media, a five
(01:29):
O one C three organization, wewill donate one hoodie to the LA Mission
in Los Angeles for a homeless individual. We are already starting off by donating
about forty of our own that eventhough we do want to sell those and
we could use the revenue for ourorganization, guess what I see a need
right now and for us that's abit more important. So hopefully you can
(01:49):
join in and supporting us do whatwe like to do, which is create
social good impact in the world.So now to our conversation to day dating.
Do you know anyone who's dating?Have you been dating? And I've
got to say that there's something I'mvery particular about and it is what I
call ethical dating, and there areat least two types of daters in the
(02:10):
world, as I see, atleast that I've been able to identify.
You have the one person who's datingto eventually get into a marriage or a
long term relationship. Right. They'redating to find that match. There's a
purpose, there's a goal. Andthen you have somebody who's just dating because
in that moment, they want tospend time with another person. It's an
exchange of energy, right, andthat is what it is for them.
(02:34):
Maybe one day they'll become monogamous,maybe one day they won't. But at
the end of the day, thereare different types of people dating in the
world for different reasons and emotional intelligence. As many of you remember, as
our season theme is about helping educateyou on how you can do something better.
Maybe you're the person who's looking fora more meaningful relationship. Maybe you're
(02:54):
the person who's looking to have strongersocial skills because it allows you to only
be attuned to the emotions of yourself, but attuned to the emotions of your
partner. So I'm excited that Ihave invited a guest to have this very
conversation. We're going to talk aboutthe dating world, and I'm wondering if
(03:15):
he'll agree with me that dating asan emotionally intelligent person is going to give
you something other than just the sameold dating game. So let's ask ourselves,
how can we develop our emotional intelligencein the world of dating. What
are the benefits of having a deepor more meaningful connections with our partners?
And how can we create a datingculture that values emotional depth and understanding above
(03:38):
all else. So get ready todiscover a whole new world of possibility in
your dating life, and let's getto it. Michael Kay is a leading
voice in the sector of online datingand the new age of over the internet
sparked relationships. As Director of brandCommunications at Okaycupid, he manages public relations,
influencer marketing, and social media andprobably so much more. Were static
(04:00):
to hear his insight on all thingsInternet, romance, and emotional intelligence.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give hima warm welcome to mister Michael Kay.
Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor to be here.
And don't let me forget I needto buy that hoodie after we finished chatting
today. Thank you so so much. I appreciate that and it is an
absolute joy. You're tapping in todayfrom New York City, right, Yes,
(04:24):
yes, here in New York City, so a little bit colder,
although y'all have rain, so weboth kept complain. Yeah, we keep
getting those atmospheric rivers over here,you know, but I would agree,
I've been in New York during thewintertime. I've got no reason to complain,
So, you know, so soglad to have you, have you
with us today and on this conversation. Tell me, Michael off the top,
(04:45):
what are you thinking already when Istart talking about emotional intelligence and dating?
Yeah, it's something that we're actuallyseeing here. I'd okay, cup
it a lot. So we matchpeople on what matters to them through and
app questions, and these questions powerour algorithm and help us connect people who
(05:06):
are most compatible. And these questionshave been answered five hundred million times last
year and almost ten billion times whenwe launched or since we launched in two
thousand and four. And when welook at the most answered questions from last
year, they were questions like areyou sensitive? Are you sentimental? And
(05:28):
they were you know, these deeper, more meaningful questions, and that's how
we really figure out what's top ofmind for our daters, what they care
about, what's most important to them, and we've seen a huge shift over
the years. Before I ask youif you've ever had experience with internet dating
yourself, just just because you knowyou're part of the company, I'm curious,
you know, myself for the audience, people are surprised still to this
(05:51):
day. They meet my husband allthe time and one of the questions,
how did you guys meet? Howdid you guys meet? Well, we
met on match. I met himon Match. But you know, and
people sometimes are shocked and surprised.But I feel like, look, I'm
a gen xer, so I've beenusing the Internet for a long time.
Internet dating or internet friendships, evenmeeting people virtually for me, has been
(06:11):
a thing since nineteen ninety nine,you know, so I am a little
surprised that people are still shocked aboutit. I mean, what, just
personally, have you ever experienced withinternet net dating and how does that kind
of help shape your idea of whatyou're doing now? For others, I
am a millennial, so I'm veryused to social media apps. I sort
of grew up in high school withFacebook emerging and Twitter and Instagram, but
(06:36):
it wasn't till the end of collegefor me that I started to hear about
dating apps, and I wound uptrying out a few, one of which
was Tinder, and I am actuallydating the first guy ever went on a
date with from Tinder and we arecelebrating nine years together this year, so
(06:57):
I am another online success story.Congratulations. Meeting people as meeting people,
the recipe is still the same,but I love what you're talking about,
what Okaycupid does and what it's focusedon and how it's connecting people, because
to that point, it was veryconvenient for me to be able to go
into an app and say I likethis, or I'm looking for this,
(07:17):
or I'm just curious, because youknow, ultimately dating is a partnership,
right, It's again that exchange ofenergy, and you want to be emotionally
intelligent and saying I know what Iwant and I know what I don't want,
and then also I hope to befor someone else, right, because
dating is not just about what weget out of it, but it's also
about what we give back. Canyou tell us a bit about Okaycupid and
(07:41):
it's mission When it comes to dating, we buy design bring in a higher
intent data. It's honestly not supereasy to create a profile on Okaycupid and
started dating other people. We makeit a little bit more difficult that you
don't just upload a photo and yourlocation and calling it. You'll have to
fill in a lot of preferences aboutyourself. You have to fill in multiple
(08:05):
profile prompts, and we make youanswer at least fifteen matching questions, although
you get to choose. The morequestions you answer, the more compatible your
matches are. And when you seeanother user at okay Cupid, you'll see
what's called a match percentage. It'sa little percentage that's on the top of
a user's profile. It'll say somethinglike eighty six percent or ninety two percent
(08:30):
or seventy seven percent. And ifyou click that match percentage, you get
see all the questions that you andthe other match answered and where you agree
and where you disagree. Because thereare definitely things that aren't really that important,
so we like to show people thatthere are things that are deal breakers
and other things that are just notthat important. I love that you say
(08:52):
that, and I love that partof the process is forcing somebody to question
themselves maybe they haven't asked themselves thesethings and they need to write as even
their own self awareness. How wouldyou define I'm just curious, how would
you define emotional intelligence in the contextof dating. Yeah, to me,
(09:13):
it's really about understanding your own emotions, managing and respecting your emotions, and
being able to take a step backand ask yourself what am I feeling and
why am I feeling that way?And this is actually an exercise I do
in my own head. I takea step back and I say, Okay,
(09:33):
first, let me figure out whatemotion am I actually feeling right in
this moment, and then I startto kind of backtrack into the core of
that or the why behind it.So that's sort of how I think about
emotional intelligence, and it's super importantwhen it comes to dating, because dating
is the most intimate type of relationshipthat you can really have with another person.
(09:58):
Just like you said, when something'shappening and I'm feeling something as a
result, I have to look atwhy I'm feeling that way. Is it
really the person that's making me feelthat way? Or is there a past
trauma that's making me react? It'sa trigger and you know, even more
importantly what you say, like datingfor those people who do end up in
a monogamous relationship, secret to asuccessful marriage, not even though this is
(10:22):
mostly about dating, forever, dateyour spouse, right, Like I still
date my spouse. We go outand I literally will look at him on
the drive home, Michael, andI'm like, well, that was a
great third date. I love tosee you again. Thanks for hanging out
with me, you know, Ijust we still text each other. Hey,
you know, what are you doingtonight? I'd love to take you
out? Are you available to goto a movie? And it keeps this
(10:43):
feeling of renewed spirit between us becausedating, to me, it's an ongoing
journey. Ongoing journey, and Iwould like to know if you agree of
getting to know one another. Butguess what, we continue to change and
evolve. So that's what I mean. You always should be dating your partner
because when you do so, youwill allow this space for you to be
open and honest and authentic with yourfeelings. How does that sit with you,
(11:05):
especially the bringing traumas in and thetriggers and things like that. I
completely agree with you. We're alwaysevolving as people, and if we're evolving
as people you're going to be evolvingas part of a relationship. My partner
and I met when we were twentyone and twenty two years old. We
are now thirty one and almost thirtyyears old. We're very different people than
(11:28):
we were almost a decade ago,so it's constantly getting to, you know,
date the other person, learn aboutthe other person. And I love
what you said about texting your husband. When I go into the office,
I'm texting my boyfriendnesson as I getthere, good morning, and it almost
brings us back to those early daysalmost nine years ago. So I love
(11:52):
that. I completely completely agree withyou and this idea about bringing in past
traumas into our relationship. I wouldargue that so many of us are doing
that. I have so many insecuritiesthat have really nothing to do with any
of the people who are in mylife today. But guess why, those
(12:13):
insecurities still filter into a lot ofthe relationships I have with people. So
it is something that many of ushave to deal with and acknowledge and you
know, recognize and figure out apath forward in. I love that you
share a little bit about your ownself, because that's that's part of it
we're here. You know, wechampion and we lead, but we also
show those vulnerabilities and remind people we'rehuman too. You know, you speak
(12:35):
from experience, So I love thattransitioning a bit back to you know,
the dating landscape from your position andwhat you see, and that's that's a
lot of users. I mean,your end user community is incredibly huge,
right So what does the dating landscapelook like from your perspective right now for
(12:56):
people hoping to find marriage. Iread one study that says, over the
last fifty years, the marriage ratein the US has dropped by nearly sixty
percent. Do these line up withthe statistics that you have access to in
your world, in your line ofwork. If we look at the dating
app landscape as a whole, thereare so many players in the game right
now. And I read a reporta couple of weeks ago that said there's
(13:18):
about fifteen hundred dating apps out there, and each platform, I would say,
caters to a very different audience.You know, there are a lot
of platforms that have niche audiences.They're bringing in a certain type of data,
They're bringing in someone who is lookingfor a specific type of relationship.
I Okay Cupid. We tend tobe for people who are a little bit
(13:43):
more progressive. Millennials are definitely ourbiggest generation on the dating app, but
we also bring in a lot ofdaters who are interested in committed relationships,
and committed can mean open, SoI don't want to discredit open relationships or
people who are polyamorists, but peoplewho are looking for more meaningful connections.
(14:05):
There's definitely daters a Okaycupid who areout there hooking up with other users,
but it's just not the majority ofour users. Most of our daters tend
to be looking for a longer termrelationship, something with a little bit more
of commitment. And again it's becausewe really make you work on the app.
(14:26):
How can we create a dating culturethat values emotional depth and understanding above
else, or like I like tosay, ethical dating. We actually use
our questions to help shift culture,and it's something we've been doing for eighteen
years. So we actually use ourquestions as a way to obviously give people
(14:52):
conversation starters and deal breakers, butalso as a tool for them to be
little bit more introspective and think aboutwhat's important to them. We use our
questions also in a way to adaptto current culture. So as we look
(15:13):
at the past few years, wewere addressing the global pandemic in our questions,
we were also addressing what was happeningall across the country. So a
quick example of that is we addeda whole series of questions addressing racial equality,
racial injustices, and that allowed peopleto recognize their own biases, but
also it allowed them to more easilyhave these really important conversations on our app.
(15:37):
We're a dating app, but we'realso a place that foster's connection and
conversation, and we want people tohave these really difficult, sometimes awkward,
or uncomfortable conversations. So we useour product as a way to make that
a little bit easier on every singleperson on our platform. And what a
way to really make your users feellike you're serving them. You're serving you
(16:00):
know, I think people forget thateven with the business like this, it's
an app. They think you're justputting it up there so people will use
it and they'll pay a subscription fee. But you know, by the sound
of it, it seems you reallyput a lot of effort into getting the
feedback and genuinely serving the people thatare using your products, So that's incredible.
Just as our conversation has been goingon, I think I want to
shift it more to the idea ofI'm going in to set up my profile,
(16:25):
I'm going into attempt this online dating. What are some of the mistakes
that you've seen people do as partof that process, and maybe then it's
not as effective and then they're like, Okay, never mind, I'm out.
When I look at someone's profile,I think the couple of the biggest
mistakes that I tend to notice isthat people aren't really filling out everything that
they should be, and our datashows you can. As I said,
(16:48):
we're a very data driven company.People who fill out their entire profile and
Okay Cupid get two hundred percent morematches than people who don't. You definitely
want to be doing this, andthis goes for any dating app you're on,
whether it's Hinge or Tinder or okaycubid. So definitely fill out your profile
prompts or your summary sections any placethat a dating app is giving you to
(17:12):
allowt We're giving it to you fora reason, so definitely do that.
And we put so much pressure onourselves, well we don't have to do
it alone. Ask your friends forhelp. We are always asking our friends
for support, whether it's captions forInstagram, or photos to upload or your
resume. You're always asking your friendsand co workers for help. So open
(17:34):
a bottle of wine, all,sit it home on the couch, and
fill out your profile. These peopleprobably know you best. Also, it's
definitely important to have that mental noteof your deal breakers, but you don't
want to actually list your deal breakers. You want to list your deal makers,
so you wouldn't put on a datingapp in your summary, for example,
(17:57):
not looking for someone who doesn't wantchildren. No, let's reframe that
and say I'm looking for someone whodoes want children. You know, we
want to keep it more positive.Those are the two biggest turn offs for
me when I'm helping my friends fillout their profiles, but also swipe on
(18:17):
other people. When it comes tolike your photos that you're uploading, you
need a diverse mix of photos.You know, we all love a selfie
moment, but maybe save that forInstagram stories. That's a little bit more
temporary. Your photos need to tella story about who you are. So
for me, if I was ona dating app today, I would upload
a photo of myself at Taylor Swiftaristort, which I'm going to a few
(18:40):
months and I cannot wait for.Or I would upload a photo of you
know, me on the bike atSoul Cycle or reading a book or hang
out in the park. Those areall things that are really important to me.
It also tells someone what I likedoing, what I enjoy, what
my hobbies are, and it givesthem something to open up with. They
(19:02):
can ask me, what's your favoriteTaylor Swift song, or what's your favorite
album? Or you know, whatbook are you reading next? You Everything
that you're putting into your profile needsto be a conversation starter. I love
that you say that's it is.It's telling your story, showing your story
and giving people an idea of someof the stuff you like to do.
If you like to hike, thena picture of you hiking is great because
(19:23):
then maybe the person who doesn't wantto hike is not going to hit you
up, or maybe they would becausethey see a person who does things and
they'd be willing to take a chance. And you never know what you could
be opening someone up too. ButI agree so much, and even if
I think back to my husband's matchprofile, knowing that I just wanted to
have a good conversation with somebody ina good date, like what I was
(19:44):
looking for. I remember that hementioned he loved music and he used to
be a DJ, and well,that for me was the connecting factor.
Wait music and I did. Isent a message about the music part that
was that was my opening line.So you're so right. I also had
a friend recently that met up withthis and he said he'd just come from
a date, and I wonder whatyou think about this, Michael, because
(20:07):
he said, well, aside fromsaying he couldn't afford the woman that he
went on the date with because herexpectations were too high, it's La La
dating can be a little vicious.I'm not sure about New York, but
I know in La there's this highexpectation. He said, I just can't
keep up with that. I'm notyou know, And then he said dates
feel like interviews. Talk to mewhen I say that, what does your
(20:29):
mind go to? There are alot of heavy things that are important to
people. They want to know ifyou support the Black Lives Matter movement.
They want to know if you're votingin local elections, they want to make
sure you have similar political views.There are a lot of these heavier topics
that we ask about on okay Cupidso that your first date can be a
(20:52):
little bit lighter because you already knowyou align on your core values, which
is why we always talk about ourquestions and we encourage people to answer as
many of them as they can,because that will make sure that the people
that were showing you you're really compatibleon those most important issues. I encourage
(21:14):
people to be really open and vulnerableand honest about what they're looking for on
a dating profile, again, nomatter what dating app you're on, because
that helps weed out the people thatdon't really have compatible views as you,
and then you don't have to getinto those heavier topics on a first date
and then leave saying well, Ifeel like I just got drilled on that
(21:37):
dinner and it felt like an interview. Yeah, all right, I'm going
to shift. So we're talking aboutbeing honest, being open, and authentic.
I love that you were recently featuredin an article speaking about chat GPT.
I'm all things, you know,technology driven for sure. You justalize
chat GPT at unsugarcoded media of course, So taking it to dating. Aipowered
(22:00):
dating may not be for everyone,right, but what does that mean and
why do you think it's of valueto those looking for deep and meaningful relationships.
Well, a lot of dating appsare already using AI when it comes
to moderation on these platforms, SoI want to distinguish how Okay, Cupid
(22:22):
or really any dating apps are leveragingthese new tools. So AI in moderation
is definitely important. It's how wekeep people safe on the app. It's
you know, it plays a rolein when you're reporting a profile or a
message, or you know, anyof that bad behavior that might happen on
a dating app. We actually leveragechat GBT to draft our matching questions for
(22:45):
us, and that became really popular. They were about everything from what you
value most in a partner to howyou can balance your own needs with the
needs of a partner in a relationship. And we added them about a month
ago and they've already been answered morethan half a million times. And again,
this was just like a fun experimentfor us away for okaqubid to connect
(23:11):
to a really big conversation in popculture and in the tech space. But
there's no like AI tools on ourplatform that are connecting matches, so people
are still being connected through our matchingquestions. For those who say I don't
want to waste my time dating peopleI'm not compatible with, then this is
(23:33):
what brings you to it, right, So I love that you shared that.
What are some key takeaways and suggestionsthat you have for those dating in
today's culture scape. I have afew quick tips. One, don't list
out the reasons for people to passon you, because they will. We
(23:55):
found that profiles with terms like passon me if or don't like me if
actually get fewer messages, conversations,and contact exchanges than those who don't.
So listen to the data. People, we don't want to be negative.
This goes back to what I sharedearlier about keeping everything positive and reframing what's
(24:17):
important to you. Asking a questionis the best ice breakers, So the
majority of Okaycupid users agree that it'sbetter than a simple introduction, a joke,
or even mentioning something on their profile. Although many people like those things,
leading with a question happens to bethe best opening message, Hey hi,
hello actually has the highest rate ofbeing ignored. And then, lastly,
(24:41):
and this is one that's one thatI personally, really really love.
Discussions around mental health are a turnon. So being vulnerable is one of
the more attractive traits to singles thesedays. More than nine in ten daters
on Okay Cupids say they are sensitive. It honestly really pays off when it
(25:02):
comes to dating. These people aregetting more messages, more matches, more
messages, more likes, They're havingmore conversations. So this is a big
change from what we've seen in thelast ten fifteen years. And I really
attribute that to the pandemic. Imean, even if we look at content
that people have started to post onInstagram and LinkedIn, it's gotten a lot
(25:25):
deeper and a lot more meaningful.And it's really nice to see people becoming
vulnerable, showing their sensitive side andnot seeing that as a weakness, because
it's absolutely not a weakness. We'reall human and we all have feelings.
So the fact that daters are startingto show that is really incredible, and
the fact that it's really paying offfor them just kind of warms my heart.
(25:48):
Yes, yes, yes, Iagree with everything that you say.
I love those tips too, bythe way, And it is interesting that
what makes us so unique is ourhumanity right, but we're able to utilize
technology in a way that helps useven have a better experience in our humanity.
It's not and I think so manypeople are afraid of it, and
(26:10):
I say, no, don't beafraid of it. If you know,
you can go out in a youcan meet people a variety of different ways
in my personal opinion, but youknow, if you're intended to meet the
one you're supposed to meet, itdoesn't really matter how you meet them.
It just matters that you meet them. And one last question, Okay,
(26:30):
does okay Cupid have a question aboutI'm just curious. I'm kind of being
funny, but I'm kind of not. Do they have a question on there
that asks if somebody likes it ordislikes it? If somebody leaves the toothpastecap
off. Oh that's a good one. I'm I can say no, but
(26:53):
it's one now we can easily add. We do have a lot of like
weird, quirky questions, Like theone that stands out to me is like
do you clap when the plane lands? So we obviously have questions related to
dating, relationships, and sex,but we really get kind of nitty gritty
in these questions, and we dohave a lot of fun with them.
(27:15):
So I love that because, tobe quite honest, don't tell anyone I
do leave toothpaste on the sink andit drives my boyfriend nuts. I would
say that's one pain point in thebathroom. I need to be better with
the toothpaste. So maybe I haveto add that to Okay Cuban. I've
(27:36):
heard it many times. I've I'veliterally it's funny, how it's sweet,
you know, I mean more speakingon the general thing of little things that
get to people and in your spaceyou're sharing space with someone, right,
But I just laugh because I've heardthis constantly amongst couples. He leaves the
bathroom cap off. And I waswondering why what. I'm sure you would
have asked that when you were dating, right, if you would have gone
(27:56):
to answer, no, I'm doingyou know, you've you've been lovely.
I'm going to shift because I'm gonnaask you some fun, rapid fire questions
before we get out of here,because you know, I hope everyone takes
a second if you are dating,or you know somebody dating and they're not
on Okaycupid. They need to gocheck it out because I love everything that
you guys are about. Um,so, are you ready for some A
(28:18):
couple of rapid fire questions? Theywon't be too quick. They're actually my
team comes up with these, soyou know I blame them. Okay.
What's the most romantic thing you've everdone for somebody and did it work?
Oh? Um. When my boyfriendand I started dating, we were long
distance, so we only saw eachother on the weekends and every Sunday.
(28:41):
I used to write handwritten notes andlead them for him around his bedroom so
that he can find it during theweek when we were not together. Ah,
that is so sweet. I lovethat. Remind me a little bit
of my husband, like that heartof just other people and stuff like that.
I love it. Okay, ifyou had to choose what's more important
(29:04):
in a relationship humor or intelligence?Humor? I agree. Um. I
definitely want someone that I can besilly with. And when we're alone,
we're so goofy and we always say, oh, we are so embarrassing.
I love that. I love that. What's the best piece of dating advice
(29:26):
you've ever received? Communicate what's onyour mind in the moment. I am
someone who definitely likes to think aboutit for a minute and kind of do
that mental exercise that I talked aboutearlier. But the longer you leave things
on your mind, it's just goingto explode later and it's going to feel
(29:48):
so much heavier, so much moresignificant than it actually is. So talk
about it right away in the momentand move forward. Agreed. Last question,
what's the most unus usual or expectedthing you've learned about dating or relationships
through your work at Okaycupid. Thatwhat people say they're looking for is not
really what they're looking for. SoI think we heard from Dat's a lot
(30:12):
in years past that I want someonetall, dark, and handsome. They
have to be six foot one,they have to have, you know,
two degrees, And then when theymeet those people, it's not actually what
they're looking for. They're like,Okay, that's that's all great, but
I want to know xyz. SoI think what's been most interesting and surprising
(30:33):
is that that initial checklist is rarelythe actual checklist. That was a strong
way to end it, Michael,I love it, Okay listen. Where
can people support you? Support okayCupid? What are the social media channels
you want them to go to.We're at okay Cupid on TikTok, on
Instagram, on Twitter, and I'mat Michael k PR, Kaye PRS and
(30:57):
public Relations Instagram and Twitter. Feelfree to follow, feel free to dy
with any of your dating questions.I'm more than happy to answer them for
you. You've been a pleasure,Michael. I just you know, I
want to say thank you for yourtime, your effort, your energy,
and all that you're doing for thedating community. I look forward to seeing
(31:17):
you either here in LA or NewYork. Yes, I'll be in LA
at the end of summer, soI will definitely let you know there we
go. Thank you so so much. We'll talk to you soon, Michael,
and to those at home. Aswe've come to the end of another
episode of Unsugarcoated with Alia, Iwant to thank our guest and you who
have stayed with us to explore thetransformative power of emotional intelligence when it comes
(31:38):
to dating. Social skills in thedating world can help you create more meaningful
relationships, more meaningful connections, andidentify better potential partners, communicate your needs
and desires more effectively, and builda stronger, more fulfilling relationship. It
can also help with avoiding misunderstandings andconflicts, leading to a more positive and
(32:00):
successful dating experience. By prioritizing emotionaldepth and understanding, we can create a
dating culture that values compassion, empathy, and authentic connection between us all.
So, whether you're single and lookingfor love or already in a committed relationship,
I encourage you to reflect on howyou can apply the principles of emotional
(32:21):
intelligence to your dating life, andremember that emotional intelligence is a journey.
It takes time and practice to develop, so give yourself a break and just
remember that the rewards are worth it. It will lead to more fulfilling relationships
and a richer, more fulfilling life. Thank you for joining us today and
thank you so much for letting usbe unsugarcoated. See you next time.
From Ubian Studios. You're listening toUnsugarcoated with Aliya bringing you interviews with public
figures and inspirational people speaking on selfimprovement with empowering themes. And I'm your
host, ali Elaneus. Hello andwelcome back to another episode of your favorite
social good talk show. I'm sohappy to be here with you today and
(00:20):
I have a couple things that I'mgoing to talk about before we get into
our episode and our guest. ButI hope for you, wherever you are,
that you are just having an amazingday for yourself. Here in La
it's raining, but that doesn't stopus from doing what we need to do.
Right I don't melt, so I'mhappy to be here in the studio
and you know, just another incredibleepisode for you. I want to share
(00:46):
that we have so for those ofyou who know the different ways to support
us, we do have a campaignthat we've launched recently and it's a little
hard to show right here, butit is our hoodie and we have live
Empowered on the sweatshirt. For thoseof you know my personal story, I
was homeless at fourteen years old.I know what it's like to be on
the street. I slept in akaiser. I see you waiting room.
(01:06):
I've had circumstances that we're not pleasant. And when I see the homeless community
which is growing and growing and growing, especially here in LA Unfortunately for a
variety of factors, I know Ican't fix everything, but I focus on
what I can do. So forany hoodie that is sold, which first
of all, that is a taxdeductible donation towards Unsugarcoated Media, a five
(01:29):
O one C three organization, wewill donate one hoodie to the LA Mission
in Los Angeles for a homeless individual. We are already starting off by donating
about forty of our own that eventhough we do want to sell those and
we could use the revenue for ourorganization, guess what I see a need
right now and for us that's abit more important. So hopefully you can
(01:49):
join in and supporting us do whatwe like to do, which is create
social good impact in the world.So now to our conversation to day dating.
Do you know anyone who's dating?Have you been dating? And I've
got to say that there's something I'mvery particular about and it is what I
call ethical dating, and there areat least two types of daters in the
(02:10):
world, as I see, atleast that I've been able to identify.
You have the one person who's datingto eventually get into a marriage or a
long term relationship. Right. They'redating to find that match. There's a
purpose, there's a goal. Andthen you have somebody who's just dating because
in that moment, they want tospend time with another person. It's an
exchange of energy, right, andthat is what it is for them.
(02:34):
Maybe one day they'll become monogamous,maybe one day they won't. But at
the end of the day, thereare different types of people dating in the
world for different reasons and emotional intelligence. As many of you remember, as
our season theme is about helping educateyou on how you can do something better.
Maybe you're the person who's looking fora more meaningful relationship. Maybe you're
(02:54):
the person who's looking to have strongersocial skills because it allows you to only
be attuned to the emotions of yourself, but attuned to the emotions of your
partner. So I'm excited that Ihave invited a guest to have this very
conversation. We're going to talk aboutthe dating world, and I'm wondering if
(03:15):
he'll agree with me that dating asan emotionally intelligent person is going to give
you something other than just the sameold dating game. So let's ask ourselves,
how can we develop our emotional intelligencein the world of dating. What
are the benefits of having a deepor more meaningful connections with our partners?
And how can we create a datingculture that values emotional depth and understanding above
(03:38):
all else. So get ready todiscover a whole new world of possibility in
your dating life, and let's getto it. Michael Kay is a leading
voice in the sector of online datingand the new age of over the internet
sparked relationships. As Director of brandCommunications at Okaycupid, he manages public relations,
influencer marketing, and social media andprobably so much more. Were static
(04:00):
to hear his insight on all thingsInternet, romance, and emotional intelligence.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give hima warm welcome to mister Michael Kay.
Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor to be here.
And don't let me forget I needto buy that hoodie after we finished chatting
today. Thank you so so much. I appreciate that and it is an
absolute joy. You're tapping in todayfrom New York City, right, Yes,
(04:24):
yes, here in New York City, so a little bit colder,
although y'all have rain, so weboth kept complain. Yeah, we keep
getting those atmospheric rivers over here,you know, but I would agree,
I've been in New York during thewintertime. I've got no reason to complain,
So, you know, so soglad to have you, have you
with us today and on this conversation. Tell me, Michael off the top,
(04:45):
what are you thinking already when Istart talking about emotional intelligence and dating?
Yeah, it's something that we're actuallyseeing here. I'd okay, cup
it a lot. So we matchpeople on what matters to them through and
app questions, and these questions powerour algorithm and help us connect people who
(05:06):
are most compatible. And these questionshave been answered five hundred million times last
year and almost ten billion times whenwe launched or since we launched in two
thousand and four. And when welook at the most answered questions from last
year, they were questions like areyou sensitive? Are you sentimental? And
(05:28):
they were you know, these deeper, more meaningful questions, and that's how
we really figure out what's top ofmind for our daters, what they care
about, what's most important to them, and we've seen a huge shift over
the years. Before I ask youif you've ever had experience with internet dating
yourself, just just because you knowyou're part of the company, I'm curious,
you know, myself for the audience, people are surprised still to this
(05:51):
day. They meet my husband allthe time and one of the questions,
how did you guys meet? Howdid you guys meet? Well, we
met on match. I met himon Match. But you know, and
people sometimes are shocked and surprised.But I feel like, look, I'm
a gen xer, so I've beenusing the Internet for a long time.
Internet dating or internet friendships, evenmeeting people virtually for me, has been
(06:11):
a thing since nineteen ninety nine,you know, so I am a little
surprised that people are still shocked aboutit. I mean, what, just
personally, have you ever experienced withinternet net dating and how does that kind
of help shape your idea of whatyou're doing now? For others, I
am a millennial, so I'm veryused to social media apps. I sort
of grew up in high school withFacebook emerging and Twitter and Instagram, but
(06:36):
it wasn't till the end of collegefor me that I started to hear about
dating apps, and I wound uptrying out a few, one of which
was Tinder, and I am actuallydating the first guy ever went on a
date with from Tinder and we arecelebrating nine years together this year, so
(06:57):
I am another online success story.Congratulations. Meeting people as meeting people,
the recipe is still the same,but I love what you're talking about,
what Okaycupid does and what it's focusedon and how it's connecting people, because
to that point, it was veryconvenient for me to be able to go
into an app and say I likethis, or I'm looking for this,
(07:17):
or I'm just curious, because youknow, ultimately dating is a partnership,
right, It's again that exchange ofenergy, and you want to be emotionally
intelligent and saying I know what Iwant and I know what I don't want,
and then also I hope to befor someone else, right, because
dating is not just about what weget out of it, but it's also
about what we give back. Canyou tell us a bit about Okaycupid and
(07:41):
it's mission When it comes to dating, we buy design bring in a higher
intent data. It's honestly not supereasy to create a profile on Okaycupid and
started dating other people. We makeit a little bit more difficult that you
don't just upload a photo and yourlocation and calling it. You'll have to
fill in a lot of preferences aboutyourself. You have to fill in multiple
(08:05):
profile prompts, and we make youanswer at least fifteen matching questions, although
you get to choose. The morequestions you answer, the more compatible your
matches are. And when you seeanother user at okay Cupid, you'll see
what's called a match percentage. It'sa little percentage that's on the top of
a user's profile. It'll say somethinglike eighty six percent or ninety two percent
(08:30):
or seventy seven percent. And ifyou click that match percentage, you get
see all the questions that you andthe other match answered and where you agree
and where you disagree. Because thereare definitely things that aren't really that important,
so we like to show people thatthere are things that are deal breakers
and other things that are just notthat important. I love that you say
(08:52):
that, and I love that partof the process is forcing somebody to question
themselves maybe they haven't asked themselves thesethings and they need to write as even
their own self awareness. How wouldyou define I'm just curious, how would
you define emotional intelligence in the contextof dating. Yeah, to me,
(09:13):
it's really about understanding your own emotions, managing and respecting your emotions, and
being able to take a step backand ask yourself what am I feeling and
why am I feeling that way?And this is actually an exercise I do
in my own head. I takea step back and I say, Okay,
(09:33):
first, let me figure out whatemotion am I actually feeling right in
this moment, and then I startto kind of backtrack into the core of
that or the why behind it.So that's sort of how I think about
emotional intelligence, and it's super importantwhen it comes to dating, because dating
is the most intimate type of relationshipthat you can really have with another person.
(09:58):
Just like you said, when something'shappening and I'm feeling something as a
result, I have to look atwhy I'm feeling that way. Is it
really the person that's making me feelthat way? Or is there a past
trauma that's making me react? It'sa trigger and you know, even more
importantly what you say, like datingfor those people who do end up in
a monogamous relationship, secret to asuccessful marriage, not even though this is
(10:22):
mostly about dating, forever, dateyour spouse, right, Like I still
date my spouse. We go outand I literally will look at him on
the drive home, Michael, andI'm like, well, that was a
great third date. I love tosee you again. Thanks for hanging out
with me, you know, Ijust we still text each other. Hey,
you know, what are you doingtonight? I'd love to take you
out? Are you available to goto a movie? And it keeps this
(10:43):
feeling of renewed spirit between us becausedating, to me, it's an ongoing
journey. Ongoing journey, and Iwould like to know if you agree of
getting to know one another. Butguess what, we continue to change and
evolve. So that's what I mean. You always should be dating your partner
because when you do so, youwill allow this space for you to be
open and honest and authentic with yourfeelings. How does that sit with you,
(11:05):
especially the bringing traumas in and thetriggers and things like that. I
completely agree with you. We're alwaysevolving as people, and if we're evolving
as people you're going to be evolvingas part of a relationship. My partner
and I met when we were twentyone and twenty two years old. We
are now thirty one and almost thirtyyears old. We're very different people than
(11:28):
we were almost a decade ago,so it's constantly getting to, you know,
date the other person, learn aboutthe other person. And I love
what you said about texting your husband. When I go into the office,
I'm texting my boyfriendnesson as I getthere, good morning, and it almost
brings us back to those early daysalmost nine years ago. So I love
(11:52):
that. I completely completely agree withyou and this idea about bringing in past
traumas into our relationship. I wouldargue that so many of us are doing
that. I have so many insecuritiesthat have really nothing to do with any
of the people who are in mylife today. But guess why, those
(12:13):
insecurities still filter into a lot ofthe relationships I have with people. So
it is something that many of ushave to deal with and acknowledge and you
know, recognize and figure out apath forward in. I love that you
share a little bit about your ownself, because that's that's part of it
we're here. You know, wechampion and we lead, but we also
show those vulnerabilities and remind people we'rehuman too. You know, you speak
(12:35):
from experience, So I love thattransitioning a bit back to you know,
the dating landscape from your position andwhat you see, and that's that's a
lot of users. I mean,your end user community is incredibly huge,
right So what does the dating landscapelook like from your perspective right now for
(12:56):
people hoping to find marriage. Iread one study that says, over the
last fifty years, the marriage ratein the US has dropped by nearly sixty
percent. Do these line up withthe statistics that you have access to in
your world, in your line ofwork. If we look at the dating
app landscape as a whole, thereare so many players in the game right
now. And I read a reporta couple of weeks ago that said there's
(13:18):
about fifteen hundred dating apps out there, and each platform, I would say,
caters to a very different audience.You know, there are a lot
of platforms that have niche audiences.They're bringing in a certain type of data,
They're bringing in someone who is lookingfor a specific type of relationship.
I Okay Cupid. We tend tobe for people who are a little bit
(13:43):
more progressive. Millennials are definitely ourbiggest generation on the dating app, but
we also bring in a lot ofdaters who are interested in committed relationships,
and committed can mean open, SoI don't want to discredit open relationships or
people who are polyamorists, but peoplewho are looking for more meaningful connections.
(14:05):
There's definitely daters a Okaycupid who areout there hooking up with other users,
but it's just not the majority ofour users. Most of our daters tend
to be looking for a longer termrelationship, something with a little bit more
of commitment. And again it's becausewe really make you work on the app.
(14:26):
How can we create a dating culturethat values emotional depth and understanding above
else, or like I like tosay, ethical dating. We actually use
our questions to help shift culture,and it's something we've been doing for eighteen
years. So we actually use ourquestions as a way to obviously give people
(14:52):
conversation starters and deal breakers, butalso as a tool for them to be
little bit more introspective and think aboutwhat's important to them. We use our
questions also in a way to adaptto current culture. So as we look
(15:13):
at the past few years, wewere addressing the global pandemic in our questions,
we were also addressing what was happeningall across the country. So a
quick example of that is we addeda whole series of questions addressing racial equality,
racial injustices, and that allowed peopleto recognize their own biases, but
also it allowed them to more easilyhave these really important conversations on our app.
(15:37):
We're a dating app, but we'realso a place that foster's connection and
conversation, and we want people tohave these really difficult, sometimes awkward,
or uncomfortable conversations. So we useour product as a way to make that
a little bit easier on every singleperson on our platform. And what a
way to really make your users feellike you're serving them. You're serving you
(16:00):
know, I think people forget thateven with the business like this, it's
an app. They think you're justputting it up there so people will use
it and they'll pay a subscription fee. But you know, by the sound
of it, it seems you reallyput a lot of effort into getting the
feedback and genuinely serving the people thatare using your products, So that's incredible.
Just as our conversation has been goingon, I think I want to
shift it more to the idea ofI'm going in to set up my profile,
(16:25):
I'm going into attempt this online dating. What are some of the mistakes
that you've seen people do as partof that process, and maybe then it's
not as effective and then they're like, Okay, never mind, I'm out.
When I look at someone's profile,I think the couple of the biggest
mistakes that I tend to notice isthat people aren't really filling out everything that
they should be, and our datashows you can. As I said,
(16:48):
we're a very data driven company.People who fill out their entire profile and
Okay Cupid get two hundred percent morematches than people who don't. You definitely
want to be doing this, andthis goes for any dating app you're on,
whether it's Hinge or Tinder or okaycubid. So definitely fill out your profile
prompts or your summary sections any placethat a dating app is giving you to
(17:12):
allowt We're giving it to you fora reason, so definitely do that.
And we put so much pressure onourselves, well we don't have to do
it alone. Ask your friends forhelp. We are always asking our friends
for support, whether it's captions forInstagram, or photos to upload or your
resume. You're always asking your friendsand co workers for help. So open
(17:34):
a bottle of wine, all,sit it home on the couch, and
fill out your profile. These peopleprobably know you best. Also, it's
definitely important to have that mental noteof your deal breakers, but you don't
want to actually list your deal breakers. You want to list your deal makers,
so you wouldn't put on a datingapp in your summary, for example,
(17:57):
not looking for someone who doesn't wantchildren. No, let's reframe that
and say I'm looking for someone whodoes want children. You know, we
want to keep it more positive.Those are the two biggest turn offs for
me when I'm helping my friends fillout their profiles, but also swipe on
(18:17):
other people. When it comes tolike your photos that you're uploading, you
need a diverse mix of photos.You know, we all love a selfie
moment, but maybe save that forInstagram stories. That's a little bit more
temporary. Your photos need to tella story about who you are. So
for me, if I was ona dating app today, I would upload
a photo of myself at Taylor Swiftaristort, which I'm going to a few
(18:40):
months and I cannot wait for.Or I would upload a photo of you
know, me on the bike atSoul Cycle or reading a book or hang
out in the park. Those areall things that are really important to me.
It also tells someone what I likedoing, what I enjoy, what
my hobbies are, and it givesthem something to open up with. They
(19:02):
can ask me, what's your favoriteTaylor Swift song, or what's your favorite
album? Or you know, whatbook are you reading next? You Everything
that you're putting into your profile needsto be a conversation starter. I love
that you say that's it is.It's telling your story, showing your story
and giving people an idea of someof the stuff you like to do.
If you like to hike, thena picture of you hiking is great because
(19:23):
then maybe the person who doesn't wantto hike is not going to hit you
up, or maybe they would becausethey see a person who does things and
they'd be willing to take a chance. And you never know what you could
be opening someone up too. ButI agree so much, and even if
I think back to my husband's matchprofile, knowing that I just wanted to
have a good conversation with somebody ina good date, like what I was
(19:44):
looking for. I remember that hementioned he loved music and he used to
be a DJ, and well,that for me was the connecting factor.
Wait music and I did. Isent a message about the music part that
was that was my opening line.So you're so right. I also had
a friend recently that met up withthis and he said he'd just come from
a date, and I wonder whatyou think about this, Michael, because
(20:07):
he said, well, aside fromsaying he couldn't afford the woman that he
went on the date with because herexpectations were too high, it's La La
dating can be a little vicious.I'm not sure about New York, but
I know in La there's this highexpectation. He said, I just can't
keep up with that. I'm notyou know, And then he said dates
feel like interviews. Talk to mewhen I say that, what does your
(20:29):
mind go to? There are alot of heavy things that are important to
people. They want to know ifyou support the Black Lives Matter movement.
They want to know if you're votingin local elections, they want to make
sure you have similar political views.There are a lot of these heavier topics
that we ask about on okay Cupidso that your first date can be a
(20:52):
little bit lighter because you already knowyou align on your core values, which
is why we always talk about ourquestions and we encourage people to answer as
many of them as they can,because that will make sure that the people
that were showing you you're really compatibleon those most important issues. I encourage
(21:14):
people to be really open and vulnerableand honest about what they're looking for on
a dating profile, again, nomatter what dating app you're on, because
that helps weed out the people thatdon't really have compatible views as you,
and then you don't have to getinto those heavier topics on a first date
and then leave saying well, Ifeel like I just got drilled on that
(21:37):
dinner and it felt like an interview. Yeah, all right, I'm going
to shift. So we're talking aboutbeing honest, being open, and authentic.
I love that you were recently featuredin an article speaking about chat GPT.
I'm all things, you know,technology driven for sure. You justalize
chat GPT at unsugarcoded media of course, So taking it to dating. Aipowered
(22:00):
dating may not be for everyone,right, but what does that mean and
why do you think it's of valueto those looking for deep and meaningful relationships.
Well, a lot of dating appsare already using AI when it comes
to moderation on these platforms, SoI want to distinguish how Okay, Cupid
(22:22):
or really any dating apps are leveragingthese new tools. So AI in moderation
is definitely important. It's how wekeep people safe on the app. It's
you know, it plays a rolein when you're reporting a profile or a
message, or you know, anyof that bad behavior that might happen on
a dating app. We actually leveragechat GBT to draft our matching questions for
(22:45):
us, and that became really popular. They were about everything from what you
value most in a partner to howyou can balance your own needs with the
needs of a partner in a relationship. And we added them about a month
ago and they've already been answered morethan half a million times. And again,
this was just like a fun experimentfor us away for okaqubid to connect
(23:11):
to a really big conversation in popculture and in the tech space. But
there's no like AI tools on ourplatform that are connecting matches, so people
are still being connected through our matchingquestions. For those who say I don't
want to waste my time dating peopleI'm not compatible with, then this is
(23:33):
what brings you to it, right, So I love that you shared that.
What are some key takeaways and suggestionsthat you have for those dating in
today's culture scape. I have afew quick tips. One, don't list
out the reasons for people to passon you, because they will. We
(23:55):
found that profiles with terms like passon me if or don't like me if
actually get fewer messages, conversations,and contact exchanges than those who don't.
So listen to the data. People, we don't want to be negative.
This goes back to what I sharedearlier about keeping everything positive and reframing what's
(24:17):
important to you. Asking a questionis the best ice breakers, So the
majority of Okaycupid users agree that it'sbetter than a simple introduction, a joke,
or even mentioning something on their profile. Although many people like those things,
leading with a question happens to bethe best opening message, Hey hi,
hello actually has the highest rate ofbeing ignored. And then, lastly,
(24:41):
and this is one that's one thatI personally, really really love.
Discussions around mental health are a turnon. So being vulnerable is one of
the more attractive traits to singles thesedays. More than nine in ten daters
on Okay Cupids say they are sensitive. It honestly really pays off when it
(25:02):
comes to dating. These people aregetting more messages, more matches, more
messages, more likes, They're havingmore conversations. So this is a big
change from what we've seen in thelast ten fifteen years. And I really
attribute that to the pandemic. Imean, even if we look at content
that people have started to post onInstagram and LinkedIn, it's gotten a lot
(25:25):
deeper and a lot more meaningful.And it's really nice to see people becoming
vulnerable, showing their sensitive side andnot seeing that as a weakness, because
it's absolutely not a weakness. We'reall human and we all have feelings.
So the fact that daters are startingto show that is really incredible, and
the fact that it's really paying offfor them just kind of warms my heart.
(25:48):
Yes, yes, yes, Iagree with everything that you say.
I love those tips too, bythe way, And it is interesting that
what makes us so unique is ourhumanity right, but we're able to utilize
technology in a way that helps useven have a better experience in our humanity.
It's not and I think so manypeople are afraid of it, and
(26:10):
I say, no, don't beafraid of it. If you know,
you can go out in a youcan meet people a variety of different ways
in my personal opinion, but youknow, if you're intended to meet the
one you're supposed to meet, itdoesn't really matter how you meet them.
It just matters that you meet them. And one last question, Okay,
(26:30):
does okay Cupid have a question aboutI'm just curious. I'm kind of being
funny, but I'm kind of not. Do they have a question on there
that asks if somebody likes it ordislikes it? If somebody leaves the toothpastecap
off. Oh that's a good one. I'm I can say no, but
(26:53):
it's one now we can easily add. We do have a lot of like
weird, quirky questions, Like theone that stands out to me is like
do you clap when the plane lands? So we obviously have questions related to
dating, relationships, and sex,but we really get kind of nitty gritty
in these questions, and we dohave a lot of fun with them.
(27:15):
So I love that because, tobe quite honest, don't tell anyone I
do leave toothpaste on the sink andit drives my boyfriend nuts. I would
say that's one pain point in thebathroom. I need to be better with
the toothpaste. So maybe I haveto add that to Okay Cuban. I've
(27:36):
heard it many times. I've I'veliterally it's funny, how it's sweet,
you know, I mean more speakingon the general thing of little things that
get to people and in your spaceyou're sharing space with someone, right,
But I just laugh because I've heardthis constantly amongst couples. He leaves the
bathroom cap off. And I waswondering why what. I'm sure you would
have asked that when you were dating, right, if you would have gone
(27:56):
to answer, no, I'm doingyou know, you've you've been lovely.
I'm going to shift because I'm gonnaask you some fun, rapid fire questions
before we get out of here,because you know, I hope everyone takes
a second if you are dating,or you know somebody dating and they're not
on Okaycupid. They need to gocheck it out because I love everything that
you guys are about. Um,so, are you ready for some A
(28:18):
couple of rapid fire questions? Theywon't be too quick. They're actually my
team comes up with these, soyou know I blame them. Okay.
What's the most romantic thing you've everdone for somebody and did it work?
Oh? Um. When my boyfriendand I started dating, we were long
distance, so we only saw eachother on the weekends and every Sunday.
(28:41):
I used to write handwritten notes andlead them for him around his bedroom so
that he can find it during theweek when we were not together. Ah,
that is so sweet. I lovethat. Remind me a little bit
of my husband, like that heartof just other people and stuff like that.
I love it. Okay, ifyou had to choose what's more important
(29:04):
in a relationship humor or intelligence?Humor? I agree. Um. I
definitely want someone that I can besilly with. And when we're alone,
we're so goofy and we always say, oh, we are so embarrassing.
I love that. I love that. What's the best piece of dating advice
(29:26):
you've ever received? Communicate what's onyour mind in the moment. I am
someone who definitely likes to think aboutit for a minute and kind of do
that mental exercise that I talked aboutearlier. But the longer you leave things
on your mind, it's just goingto explode later and it's going to feel
(29:48):
so much heavier, so much moresignificant than it actually is. So talk
about it right away in the momentand move forward. Agreed. Last question,
what's the most unus usual or expectedthing you've learned about dating or relationships
through your work at Okaycupid. Thatwhat people say they're looking for is not
really what they're looking for. SoI think we heard from Dat's a lot
(30:12):
in years past that I want someonetall, dark, and handsome. They
have to be six foot one,they have to have, you know,
two degrees, And then when theymeet those people, it's not actually what
they're looking for. They're like,Okay, that's that's all great, but
I want to know xyz. SoI think what's been most interesting and surprising
(30:33):
is that that initial checklist is rarelythe actual checklist. That was a strong
way to end it, Michael,I love it, Okay listen. Where
can people support you? Support okayCupid? What are the social media channels
you want them to go to.We're at okay Cupid on TikTok, on
Instagram, on Twitter, and I'mat Michael k PR, Kaye PRS and
(30:57):
public Relations Instagram and Twitter. Feelfree to follow, feel free to dy
with any of your dating questions.I'm more than happy to answer them for
you. You've been a pleasure,Michael. I just you know, I
want to say thank you for yourtime, your effort, your energy,
and all that you're doing for thedating community. I look forward to seeing
(31:17):
you either here in LA or NewYork. Yes, I'll be in LA
at the end of summer, soI will definitely let you know there we
go. Thank you so so much. We'll talk to you soon, Michael,
and to those at home. Aswe've come to the end of another
episode of Unsugarcoated with Alia, Iwant to thank our guest and you who
have stayed with us to explore thetransformative power of emotional intelligence when it comes
(31:38):
to dating. Social skills in thedating world can help you create more meaningful
relationships, more meaningful connections, andidentify better potential partners, communicate your needs
and desires more effectively, and builda stronger, more fulfilling relationship. It
can also help with avoiding misunderstandings andconflicts, leading to a more positive and
(32:00):
successful dating experience. By prioritizing emotionaldepth and understanding, we can create a
dating culture that values compassion, empathy, and authentic connection between us all.
So, whether you're single and lookingfor love or already in a committed relationship,
I encourage you to reflect on howyou can apply the principles of emotional
(32:21):
intelligence to your dating life, andremember that emotional intelligence is a journey.
It takes time and practice to develop, so give yourself a break and just
remember that the rewards are worth it. It will lead to more fulfilling relationships
and a richer, more fulfilling life. Thank you for joining us today and
thank you so much for letting usbe unsugarcoated. See you next time.
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