July 5, 2025 • 30 mins
What happens when the person you trusted most destroys everything you believed about love—and yourself? 💔 On this episode of Vigilantes Radio Live 🎙️, we sit down with author, songwriter, and survivor Evelyn Reed, the voice behind Shattered Vows: A Journey Through Betrayal and Healing. 🌱 Evelyn’s raw and redemptive story dives deep into betrayal trauma, resilience, and reclaiming your identity. With her companion workbook 📖 and over 40 original songs 🎶, she’s guiding betrayed partners from devastation to wholeness. This isn’t just survival—it’s transformation. Tune in to be moved, inspired, and reminded: healing is possible. 💪✨
https://evelynreedbooks.com/
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https://evelynreedbooks.com/
https://open.spotify.com/artist/0AmbXqz3EZbKUJ7ifOuLUS?si=mNSKdZqcQ6WlX8r9gGCNPA
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61575234471274
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You are now listening to Vigilantes Radio, presented by the
only One Media Group. This is the people's choice, but
quality interviews celebrities and special guests, hosted by Demitrius Denny Reynolds.
Call in to join the mix at seven oh one,
eight oh one, nine eight one three. For the complete
archive of episodes, visit only onemediagroup dot com and be
(00:23):
sure to like us on Facebook At Vigilantes Radio. We
welcome all enjoy the show. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your host Demitrius who Demi Black Reynolds. Enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Good morning, Good morning, Good morning, and welcome to another
incredible episode of Vigilantes Radio live right here on iHeartRadio,
and I am your host, Danie. I do have to
say that this particular episode is pre recorded and I
I can't wait to deliver it to your inboxes and
for you guys to subscribe to the show, you'll be
(01:05):
the first to know. Before I introduce my guests, I
do want to say this is the frequency of the fearless.
There are moments in life when everything we've thought what solid,
suddenly crumbles, when trust shatters and our very sense of
self feels unrecognizable, But from the ashes of betrayal, a stronger, wiser,
(01:31):
and more courageous version of ourselves can rise. Healing isn't
about going back to who we were, It's about becoming
who we were meant to be. Today's guest embodies that journey,
showing us that even heartbreak can become holy ground. You're
not just here for a talk show, and this isn't
(01:54):
just radio. This is revival for your mind, body, and spirit.
Is Vigilantes Radio Live. My name is Coach Deini, and
change is possible. Are you ready?
Speaker 3 (02:14):
Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Well,
let's go, let's go.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
All right, all right again, Welcome to the show. You're
listening to vr L. That is Vigilantes Radio Live right
here on iHeartRadio, and I am your host, Deani. Our
interviews are designed to go beyond music, news, books, art, acting, films, technology, education, entrepreneurship, entertainment,
(02:55):
and sometimes even past that thing that we call the ego.
Our interview use are designed to go behind the scenes
and into the minds of these incredible human beings, you know,
the ones that are out there giving it. They're all
for me, for you, and for the world. Well, ladies
and gentlemen. She's an author, survivor, song writer, and a
(03:17):
voice for the betrayed. Evelyn Read's journey isn't just about
one of the heartbreaks. It's a testament to the power
of the power of faith, resilience, and creative expression. With
their best selling memoir, Shattered Vowels and a library full
of soul Bury music, Evelyn is helping others heal their
(03:41):
own wounds while reclaiming their voices. Our raw honesty and
tender strength are reshaping how we understand betrayal trauma. So
please join me in saying welcome friend to Evelyn Read.
Good morning, good.
Speaker 4 (03:59):
Morning, Hello, goodness, and how are you this morning?
Speaker 2 (04:03):
I'm doing good? Are you.
Speaker 4 (04:06):
Doing great?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Awesome? We are excited to speak with you this morning.
So before we just really dive into everything, Evelyn, what's
been on your heart and mind lately?
Speaker 4 (04:21):
How can I help other women who are betrayed not
hide from their shame that it wasn't their fault this happened.
And how can I get that message out to women
that you don't have to hide even though I am
still hiding and I have not told our children about
what has occurred.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yeah. Wow, so that is a heavy mission. I believe
there are a lot of oh, I don't want to
say broken people, but when you go to the portrayal,
you can feel a sense of brokenness. I know firsthand.
(05:06):
I've been betrayed before and even as a husband, so
the brokenness is one of those poles. Few yeah, yeah,
when you're going through that, Evelyn, your story is so
raw and brave. What was the first moment you realize
your heartbreak could become a message for others?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Well, I had two moments. So we call him D
Day or discovery day, and the first one was in
twenty sixteen when he told me that he had been
to a massage parlor and only had a certain act reformed,
no air course, and so I trust them that that's
what it was, not knowing anything else. But the second
(05:50):
D Day was eight years later, and he just decided
to tell me everything but not everything. And I don't
want to just live the rest of my life being
a victim, and I'm like, I have to get this out,
and so I started writing everything that I was going
(06:12):
through as it was happening. So I wrote the book
as it was happening. It decided to be a book
probably a year after the second D day, because I
had to search everywhere for how do I do this?
How do I do that? And therapist saying we'll do
this next, do this next. Instead of giving you an
(06:34):
entire path of here's what the end could potentially look like.
I wanted to make sure it was all in one
place for whoever is going to the betrayal the next time.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
So as this was happening to you, you begin to
write about it, which became a book. Did it help
in the healing process?
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Oh? Yeah, writing it out and it in your feelings out,
journaling every day because if you want to repair your marriage,
you don't want to yell and scream at the person
that you want to repair with because that doesn't run
to a good situation. So if you journal it, you
know I went in the car and yell and scream.
(07:19):
Lost some friends over this because they thought I should
have left him, gained some new friends. And then later
after the book was written, I started writing the songs
because I lived my life through music and I couldn't
find any songs that were talking about what I was
going through.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Yeah, you describe a trayal trauma as a full body crisis.
Can you take us back to when you first discover
your husband's double life, like how do your mind, your heart,
and even your body react.
Speaker 4 (07:58):
Physically? When he told me, we were actually on a
cruise ship doing a trans atlantic cruise, so I was
stuck with them on the ship for fourteen days and
he decided to tell me the first day of the
cruise so I couldn't go anywhere, and he told me,
and I literally just physically fell backwards, like in a chair,
and the sadness, the anger. I was nauseous, I was shaking,
(08:24):
my hands were trembling, my legs were trembling. I couldn't sleep,
Like the next fourteen days, there was so much panic
because I really just didn't know how much betrayal was
out there at the time because he was doing what
he could give me, and what we call trickle truths.
He could only give me what he could at the
time without either him wanting to commit suicide or me
(08:45):
saying I'm going to leave you forever because he thought
if you fully knew me, you wouldn't stay with me.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
And why do you call it trauma.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
Because it's it's exactly like PTSD. You have triggers and
flashbacks because he's telling you things that they've done with
sex workers and porn and all of that, and you
get these images in your head and it's just like
going to battle. It's just like, oh, there's that image again.
(09:22):
And it may be worse than what he's telling you,
but it's what the image is in your head. You
can't sleep, you're I had heart palpitations, You're suddenly depressed,
you have anxiety.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yes, oh yeah, I don't.
Speaker 4 (09:41):
Know if that's what you went through as well.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's when I really learned what
PTSD could could be. You always hear it comes from
you know, police officers develop it, or firefighters or soldiers,
but when it comes to relationships, I wasn't quite a
(10:05):
believer until it happened to me.
Speaker 4 (10:08):
Because it's the person you trust the most, and that
do you think that they will never do anything wrong
to you because you're not doing anything wrong to them?
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Yeah? Yeah, A sense of reality shatters too.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Yes, So the life I thought I lived the last
twenty years was all a lie. And it started a
lie the moment he asked me out on a date.
Because I did not know his sexual history prior to
of all of his acting out and what occurred to
him when he was eleven with the neighbor man. For
(10:43):
the next four years, he was groomed. And so that's
another reason that I had stayed because of all his
childhood trauma and I for twenty years, I based, you know,
this is what's going on our marriage because of my
childhood trauma, and it was actually his and some of mine.
But when that happens when you're an eleven year old boy,
(11:05):
that starts the grooves in your brain to this is
what's normal, this is what'sfe Not knowing that he was
groomed to be a sex addict and he didn't tell
anybody because there was so much shame.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
That is a very tough thing to do. You you've
offered forgiveness by choosing to stay. You did not choose
to become a victim or as I would call it,
the easy way out, which is saying, hey, you're just
giving me my golden ticket to leave. Officially, you know,
(11:43):
if you if you abide by the Bible, there's one
rule really that you know, grants a divorce. But it's
also not.
Speaker 4 (11:55):
For me to judge. Only God can judge. But I've
been holding I can't judge him. Only Joab can judge
his actions.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (12:05):
And I said, for better or for worse, and this
is the absolute worst, that's right.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
People asked, well, I think Jesus was asked that question,
and of course he gave the general law, but he
went a little further. You know about forgiveness, and I
think people just forget about the second part. You know,
forgiveness is a journey, and only strong people can forgive
(12:35):
when their whole reality and sense of trust and boundaries
and protection shatters. It takes a.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Yeah, thank you. I chose to forgive early on because
it was about me forgiving him, not him deserving my
forgiveness or forgetting what occurred. And I forgave him before
he continued to drop everything else he continued to do
the last twenty years. And so we had a full
disclosure with a certified sex addiction therapist, and that's where
(13:11):
you learn everything that he has done from the time
he was first sexual and before that occurs. Though, I
had a polygraph. He had to take a polygraph and
he failed it, and at that point I almost left,
but the examiner said, hey, here's a list of things
(13:32):
go through this, I'll retest you. And what happened. You know,
if he failed a second polygraph, I probably would have left,
But he went through that whole list and just started
freaking out. He's like, oh I did this, I forgot
about that. Oh I did this, I forgot about that.
And so when full disclosure came, then you had the
next impact on your body of learning things you had
no idea about it.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Wow. Wow, Okay, there's another go ahead.
Speaker 4 (14:00):
I'm sorry, And that's done with two therapists in the
room that are certified. They're called c SAT therapists that
are monitoring both of you and making sure everything's okay. Yeah,
emotionally and physically.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
So there is a second part to this music. And
you said music helped you process what words couldn't. How
did songwriting transform your recovery?
Speaker 4 (14:29):
It put into words and the emotions that I either
couldn't tell him or couldn't tell my friends. But people
are always singing songs about heartbreak or betrayal, and so
I wrote the song and then had someone else sing it.
So one of the songs is the un Chosen Marathon.
I didn't choose this marathon to run, but now I
(14:52):
have to run it for the rest of my life.
And it's a choice I'm making. But I also have
boundaries that up that I didn't have before that he
knows that if this boundary has crossed, this may happen.
If this boundary has crossed, this may happen. But the
first song I wrote was Shattered Still Standing, and that's
(15:15):
the first line is I just forgot it. I found
my truth something like that. And when I told you
what was going on basically, and I just forgot the words,
but it just put in the words that I really
didn't know how to say without hurting people or hurting him.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Yeah. Wow. Was there a particular song that feels like
the heartbeat of this.
Speaker 4 (15:45):
Journey, Yeah, it would be Shattered Still Standing and it's
I found your truth where a trust had been And
his truth was he was a sex addict. And that
cuts right straight through me every time the moment that
everything crumples and everything was clarified and you finally learn
the truth. You thought you were living the truth, but
(16:07):
you were really living an illusion and you just feel
the ground beneath you just disappear.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Wow. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
And there was another song that talked about losing the
friends because they thought I should have left, and it's like,
you didn't know what I went through. You didn't know
the good parts of them because he let live a
double life. He compartmentalized everything. So this is my sexatic
(16:39):
life and this is my married life. And when he
was in the married life, part of his double life,
he was He was there for the death of the parents,
he was there for, you know, very hard moments in
my life. So you can't discount everything. He had bad behavior.
He was not a bad person.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Okay, he talks about standing your marriage on your own terms.
We've dove a little bit into you know, why you
forgave him, because it was for you, But what gave
you the courage to stay and rebuild watch which which
I know is a hard thing to do, a hard
(17:23):
task to do, rather than walk.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
Away, because he stayed because of those twenty years of
the good, good memories. And again, he had horrific I'm
not gonna say bad, he had horrific behavior. But I
also still loved him. And then I look at there,
I'm like, do I want to start over at my
(17:46):
age I'm going to be sixty one? Do I really
want to start over? Not? Really, I've looked around. I'm like, no,
and I don't know what other baggage everyone else has.
I already know his complete baggage based on the polygraph,
And am I willing to live with that? And at
this point I am. And sometimes it's day to day. Yeah,
(18:09):
I get that, but I'm not crazy. I'm not broken.
And even though you know with gas lit manipulated lie
to and he had narcisstic tendencies, that's completely changed based
on him going to an intensive outpatient program for twelve weeks.
He does a therapist once a week, he does a
(18:32):
church group once a week, and then he does a
men's group once a week. So he's constantly trying to
better himself four times a week, plus all the homeworks
that they give him. And he is completely changed house then,
And I thought I married originally.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Love it, love it And.
Speaker 4 (18:50):
Why he chose to tell me on the cruise ship
is He's sitting there in our cabin and he said,
God told him. He said, this overwhelming sense said you
have to tell her, and you have to tell her now.
And he said, I could not avoid that voice, even
though he hadn't acted out for eight years. After he
told me, he's like, I gotta tell her, and he did.
(19:16):
And on the cruise ship we had therapists that were
on zoom with us, who we found out later had
called the ship's security, so we were watched to make
sure that none of us did anything stupid.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Wow. There's a work book that goes along with the
Shattered Vowels. The word book is called Reflections in the Mirror.
I love that title, and it guides others through recovery.
What's the first exercise or reflection that you recommend to
someone just discovering betrayal?
Speaker 4 (19:53):
Self care, do what you can to soothe yourself, take
time to yourself. It's okay to cry, screen rage in
the car. You don't want to rage at the person.
They already feel horrific. Not that you don't want them
to feel your pain, but eventually they will start feeling
(20:14):
your pain. Just get therapy right away. Get a certified
sex therapist, because there's a lot of couples counseling, the
marriage counseling that don't know the extent. Even though someone
just has one affair, they may have had a sexual
addiction that you never knew about. So just take care
of yourself. And it's about you. They've been their ego
(20:35):
has been involved in with only their wants, demands and
needs and sexually acting out. It's time for you to
take care of yours.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Absolutely. Let's talk nervous systems. How did betrayal impact yours
and what steps help you find calm and peace again.
Speaker 4 (21:03):
So my nervous system was a wreck, and I did
a thing called Safe and Sound Protocol where you listen
to music ten minutes at a time and it releases
the trauma from your body somehow and images come up
and that gets released. I'm not sure how, but it's
pretty cool. I also did EMDR for the triggers and
flashbacks and that helped quite a bit, so you're not
(21:25):
always thinking about what sexual position they did or didn't do.
And then I did hyperbaric oxygen treatment and you lay
in a hyperbaric chamber for an hour and just breathing oxygen,
and that oxygen helps blood flow to the brain and
helps You're laying there for an hour, so you either
got to scroll through the phone or meditate. I did
(21:47):
meditation a lot, breathing exercises, bilateral music. I did everything
I could think of to calm myself and regulate myself.
And then the other thing that we did is we
had our brain scanned and it's called a spec scan,
and that immediately told me. Another reason why I stayed
(22:10):
is it literally showed when his brain is offline where
the addiction takes over, and so he has to do
special brain exercises to keep his brain online as well.
But it's interestingly enough, I was also diagnosed with ADHD
during that brain scan. I'm like, whoo, who knew?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Wow? Faith is also woven into your story. How did
your relationship with God change during this season of pain
and restoration?
Speaker 4 (22:44):
I used to only reach out to God for nine
one ones, and this was a nine one one, and
now it's every day, every hour, I'm constantly talking to
God instead of Hey, can you do this for me?
Do that for me? It's more restorative. Can you help
me with the triggers? Can you? And thanking him for
(23:08):
all the help that he's done to not only get
my husband back online, but to get my nervous system
regulated and to look forward because I can't change the past.
I can't change what happened to him as a kid,
and I can't change what he did to me either.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Do you think this may have been a part of
God's planning to bring you closer to him.
Speaker 4 (23:29):
Absolutely, one hundred percent, one thousand percent. It's it's really
weird that I feel that, but it's it consumes my
body that this was what God intended for me to do,
is to help him heal from his childhood wounds and
become a man that he should be. So at one point,
(23:52):
the therapist said he was upbringing as a twelve year
old emotionally. Yeah, and then he also had abandoned wounds
as well because he was adopted from another country into
the US, so he had all of those issues.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Yep. Yeah, that that U discovering the same thing, the
same intention that God probably had for my life is
he had to get my attention some way so it
didn't kill me. And you think it's gonna yeah, you
(24:35):
really think it's gonna stop your world at some point
or something has to change, And really it didn't. Really,
it really didn't. And say, well, God, wow, you know
I would have never imagined me walking this journey just
to bring me to this point. But you know, only
you understand, and I know this has to be a
(24:59):
testimony for someone one in the future.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
Yeah. The other thing is I didn't realize I was
wearing a mask for twenty years, and that one of
the songs I wrote is the Mirror Lied. You know,
here I am smiling to the public and we're great,
We're great, But behind there, I'm just shattered. And it's
amazing how we lie to everybody in the public when
we're really hurting so bad.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Yeah, if you could speak to a woman in a
thicker betrayal right now, what would you tell her about
survival and hope.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
You will get through this? It doesn't feel like it's temporary,
but there is hope around the corner. Whether you choose
to stay or leave, there's hope. God make sure that
he's got your back every time.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Indeed, indeed, looking forward, what's next for Evan and read
a new book or music or something we don't expect.
Speaker 4 (26:01):
Well, I've got forty songs out already in three different
albums and one sale which was Shattered Still Sandy. I'm
working out the second book, which is my childhood and
all the trauma I went through my childhood, and it's
called Through the Fenciles, where I'm always looking on the
other side of what everyone else has because I don't
(26:23):
have it and all the abuse that I went through
as a child.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Wow, do you have a date for that book?
Speaker 4 (26:34):
I got to get this one launched and successful. Yes,
but it'll be soon, all right.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
So where can our listeners connect with you on Internet
and pick up a copy of your.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
Book Evelyn read books dot com or you can go
to Amazon and type in Evelyn Read and Shattered dows
and the songs are on iTunes and Spotify under Evelyn Read.
I wrote them, I did not sing them. The songs
are from everyone's point of view, from the sex worker,
(27:08):
from mine, from my husband, to even kids who are
left behind, where the parents go through the process that
the kids don't get.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Help, all right? All right, And listeners, just in case
you need that link, we have those and the description
of this episode and in the show notes, So all
you guys have to do is just click the link.
While what a profound journey we've walked with the Evelyn
Read today, from betrayal to breakthrough rules, from heartbreak to healing.
(27:42):
Her story is proof that even in life deepest pain,
there's a pathway to peace. And we impact the truth
about betrayal, trauma, faith, nervous system, recovery, and the courage
it takes to reclaim yourself. To our listeners, If Evelyn's
story spoke to you, share this episode with someone who
needs it. Subscribe to Vigilantes Radio Live, leave a rating,
(28:05):
and support the movement. Don't forget to visit Evelyn Read's
book dot com to explore her memoir, healing workbook and
music catalog. And remember you're not just surviving, you are becoming.
Thank you so much, Evelyn, and have a wonderful morning.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 5 (28:22):
All right, joy care right, peace to all. My name
is Deni and I am the host of Vigilantes Radio Live.
I think that we are beyond just asking cool questions
and getting cool responses. I think that we are here
(28:44):
as creatives to provide an example that you can do
things different outside of expectations, because some of us simply
were not born into the club. But there is perhaps
a door window or backgate that we can leave a
(29:05):
clue for you to get into. Life is short, but
there are plenty of moments to try and get it right.
Pursuing your dreams and learning from mistakes may be tough,
but regret it's tougher To.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Book your interview.
Speaker 5 (29:21):
Email us at v Radio at only One MediaGroup dot com.
That's a v as a victorious or visit only one
MediaGroup dot com. I'm counting on you, Heaven, We all
are counting on you to step into your purpose and
your passion. You are listening to Vigilantes Radio live on iHeartRadio,
(29:47):
providing you with an opportunity to dive deeper.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
You and now listening to vigil Lances Radio, the people's
choice for quality interviews, art, music and art topics, hosted
by Demetrius Houdini Black Reynolds. All episodes of this podcast
are available for free download at www dots only one
media group dot com
You are now listening to Vigilantes Radio, presented by the
only One Media Group. This is the people's choice, but
quality interviews celebrities and special guests, hosted by Demitrius Denny Reynolds.
Call in to join the mix at seven oh one,
eight oh one, nine eight one three. For the complete
archive of episodes, visit only onemediagroup dot com and be
(00:23):
sure to like us on Facebook At Vigilantes Radio. We
welcome all enjoy the show. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your host Demitrius who Demi Black Reynolds. Enjoy the show.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Good morning, Good morning, Good morning, and welcome to another
incredible episode of Vigilantes Radio live right here on iHeartRadio,
and I am your host, Danie. I do have to
say that this particular episode is pre recorded and I
I can't wait to deliver it to your inboxes and
for you guys to subscribe to the show, you'll be
(01:05):
the first to know. Before I introduce my guests, I
do want to say this is the frequency of the fearless.
There are moments in life when everything we've thought what solid,
suddenly crumbles, when trust shatters and our very sense of
self feels unrecognizable, But from the ashes of betrayal, a stronger, wiser,
(01:31):
and more courageous version of ourselves can rise. Healing isn't
about going back to who we were, It's about becoming
who we were meant to be. Today's guest embodies that journey,
showing us that even heartbreak can become holy ground. You're
not just here for a talk show, and this isn't
(01:54):
just radio. This is revival for your mind, body, and spirit.
Is Vigilantes Radio Live. My name is Coach Deini, and
change is possible. Are you ready?
Speaker 3 (02:14):
Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Well,
let's go, let's go.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
All right, all right again, Welcome to the show. You're
listening to vr L. That is Vigilantes Radio Live right
here on iHeartRadio, and I am your host, Deani. Our
interviews are designed to go beyond music, news, books, art, acting, films, technology, education, entrepreneurship, entertainment,
(02:55):
and sometimes even past that thing that we call the ego.
Our interview use are designed to go behind the scenes
and into the minds of these incredible human beings, you know,
the ones that are out there giving it. They're all
for me, for you, and for the world. Well, ladies
and gentlemen. She's an author, survivor, song writer, and a
(03:17):
voice for the betrayed. Evelyn Read's journey isn't just about
one of the heartbreaks. It's a testament to the power
of the power of faith, resilience, and creative expression. With
their best selling memoir, Shattered Vowels and a library full
of soul Bury music, Evelyn is helping others heal their
(03:41):
own wounds while reclaiming their voices. Our raw honesty and
tender strength are reshaping how we understand betrayal trauma. So
please join me in saying welcome friend to Evelyn Read.
Good morning, good.
Speaker 4 (03:59):
Morning, Hello, goodness, and how are you this morning?
Speaker 2 (04:03):
I'm doing good? Are you.
Speaker 4 (04:06):
Doing great?
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Awesome? We are excited to speak with you this morning.
So before we just really dive into everything, Evelyn, what's
been on your heart and mind lately?
Speaker 4 (04:21):
How can I help other women who are betrayed not
hide from their shame that it wasn't their fault this happened.
And how can I get that message out to women
that you don't have to hide even though I am
still hiding and I have not told our children about
what has occurred.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yeah. Wow, so that is a heavy mission. I believe
there are a lot of oh, I don't want to
say broken people, but when you go to the portrayal,
you can feel a sense of brokenness. I know firsthand.
(05:06):
I've been betrayed before and even as a husband, so
the brokenness is one of those poles. Few yeah, yeah,
when you're going through that, Evelyn, your story is so
raw and brave. What was the first moment you realize
your heartbreak could become a message for others?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Well, I had two moments. So we call him D
Day or discovery day, and the first one was in
twenty sixteen when he told me that he had been
to a massage parlor and only had a certain act reformed,
no air course, and so I trust them that that's
what it was, not knowing anything else. But the second
(05:50):
D Day was eight years later, and he just decided
to tell me everything but not everything. And I don't
want to just live the rest of my life being
a victim, and I'm like, I have to get this out,
and so I started writing everything that I was going
(06:12):
through as it was happening. So I wrote the book
as it was happening. It decided to be a book
probably a year after the second D day, because I
had to search everywhere for how do I do this?
How do I do that? And therapist saying we'll do
this next, do this next. Instead of giving you an
(06:34):
entire path of here's what the end could potentially look like.
I wanted to make sure it was all in one
place for whoever is going to the betrayal the next time.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
So as this was happening to you, you begin to
write about it, which became a book. Did it help
in the healing process?
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Oh? Yeah, writing it out and it in your feelings out,
journaling every day because if you want to repair your marriage,
you don't want to yell and scream at the person
that you want to repair with because that doesn't run
to a good situation. So if you journal it, you
know I went in the car and yell and scream.
(07:19):
Lost some friends over this because they thought I should
have left him, gained some new friends. And then later
after the book was written, I started writing the songs
because I lived my life through music and I couldn't
find any songs that were talking about what I was
going through.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
Yeah, you describe a trayal trauma as a full body crisis.
Can you take us back to when you first discover
your husband's double life, like how do your mind, your heart,
and even your body react.
Speaker 4 (07:58):
Physically? When he told me, we were actually on a
cruise ship doing a trans atlantic cruise, so I was
stuck with them on the ship for fourteen days and
he decided to tell me the first day of the
cruise so I couldn't go anywhere, and he told me,
and I literally just physically fell backwards, like in a chair,
and the sadness, the anger. I was nauseous, I was shaking,
(08:24):
my hands were trembling, my legs were trembling. I couldn't sleep,
Like the next fourteen days, there was so much panic
because I really just didn't know how much betrayal was
out there at the time because he was doing what
he could give me, and what we call trickle truths.
He could only give me what he could at the
time without either him wanting to commit suicide or me
(08:45):
saying I'm going to leave you forever because he thought
if you fully knew me, you wouldn't stay with me.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
And why do you call it trauma.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
Because it's it's exactly like PTSD. You have triggers and
flashbacks because he's telling you things that they've done with
sex workers and porn and all of that, and you
get these images in your head and it's just like
going to battle. It's just like, oh, there's that image again.
(09:22):
And it may be worse than what he's telling you,
but it's what the image is in your head. You
can't sleep, you're I had heart palpitations, You're suddenly depressed,
you have anxiety.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yes, oh yeah, I don't.
Speaker 4 (09:41):
Know if that's what you went through as well.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's when I really learned what
PTSD could could be. You always hear it comes from
you know, police officers develop it, or firefighters or soldiers,
but when it comes to relationships, I wasn't quite a
(10:05):
believer until it happened to me.
Speaker 4 (10:08):
Because it's the person you trust the most, and that
do you think that they will never do anything wrong
to you because you're not doing anything wrong to them?
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Yeah? Yeah, A sense of reality shatters too.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Yes, So the life I thought I lived the last
twenty years was all a lie. And it started a
lie the moment he asked me out on a date.
Because I did not know his sexual history prior to
of all of his acting out and what occurred to
him when he was eleven with the neighbor man. For
(10:43):
the next four years, he was groomed. And so that's
another reason that I had stayed because of all his
childhood trauma and I for twenty years, I based, you know,
this is what's going on our marriage because of my
childhood trauma, and it was actually his and some of mine.
But when that happens when you're an eleven year old boy,
(11:05):
that starts the grooves in your brain to this is
what's normal, this is what'sfe Not knowing that he was
groomed to be a sex addict and he didn't tell
anybody because there was so much shame.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
That is a very tough thing to do. You you've
offered forgiveness by choosing to stay. You did not choose
to become a victim or as I would call it,
the easy way out, which is saying, hey, you're just
giving me my golden ticket to leave. Officially, you know,
(11:43):
if you if you abide by the Bible, there's one
rule really that you know, grants a divorce. But it's
also not.
Speaker 4 (11:55):
For me to judge. Only God can judge. But I've
been holding I can't judge him. Only Joab can judge
his actions.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (12:05):
And I said, for better or for worse, and this
is the absolute worst, that's right.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
People asked, well, I think Jesus was asked that question,
and of course he gave the general law, but he
went a little further. You know about forgiveness, and I
think people just forget about the second part. You know,
forgiveness is a journey, and only strong people can forgive
(12:35):
when their whole reality and sense of trust and boundaries
and protection shatters. It takes a.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Yeah, thank you. I chose to forgive early on because
it was about me forgiving him, not him deserving my
forgiveness or forgetting what occurred. And I forgave him before
he continued to drop everything else he continued to do
the last twenty years. And so we had a full
disclosure with a certified sex addiction therapist, and that's where
(13:11):
you learn everything that he has done from the time
he was first sexual and before that occurs. Though, I
had a polygraph. He had to take a polygraph and
he failed it, and at that point I almost left,
but the examiner said, hey, here's a list of things
(13:32):
go through this, I'll retest you. And what happened. You know,
if he failed a second polygraph, I probably would have left,
But he went through that whole list and just started
freaking out. He's like, oh I did this, I forgot
about that. Oh I did this, I forgot about that.
And so when full disclosure came, then you had the
next impact on your body of learning things you had
no idea about it.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Wow. Wow, Okay, there's another go ahead.
Speaker 4 (14:00):
I'm sorry, And that's done with two therapists in the
room that are certified. They're called c SAT therapists that
are monitoring both of you and making sure everything's okay. Yeah,
emotionally and physically.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
So there is a second part to this music. And
you said music helped you process what words couldn't. How
did songwriting transform your recovery?
Speaker 4 (14:29):
It put into words and the emotions that I either
couldn't tell him or couldn't tell my friends. But people
are always singing songs about heartbreak or betrayal, and so
I wrote the song and then had someone else sing it.
So one of the songs is the un Chosen Marathon.
I didn't choose this marathon to run, but now I
(14:52):
have to run it for the rest of my life.
And it's a choice I'm making. But I also have
boundaries that up that I didn't have before that he
knows that if this boundary has crossed, this may happen.
If this boundary has crossed, this may happen. But the
first song I wrote was Shattered Still Standing, and that's
(15:15):
the first line is I just forgot it. I found
my truth something like that. And when I told you
what was going on basically, and I just forgot the words,
but it just put in the words that I really
didn't know how to say without hurting people or hurting him.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Yeah. Wow. Was there a particular song that feels like
the heartbeat of this.
Speaker 4 (15:45):
Journey, Yeah, it would be Shattered Still Standing and it's
I found your truth where a trust had been And
his truth was he was a sex addict. And that
cuts right straight through me every time the moment that
everything crumples and everything was clarified and you finally learn
the truth. You thought you were living the truth, but
(16:07):
you were really living an illusion and you just feel
the ground beneath you just disappear.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Wow. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
And there was another song that talked about losing the
friends because they thought I should have left, and it's like,
you didn't know what I went through. You didn't know
the good parts of them because he let live a
double life. He compartmentalized everything. So this is my sexatic
(16:39):
life and this is my married life. And when he
was in the married life, part of his double life,
he was He was there for the death of the parents,
he was there for, you know, very hard moments in
my life. So you can't discount everything. He had bad behavior.
He was not a bad person.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Okay, he talks about standing your marriage on your own terms.
We've dove a little bit into you know, why you
forgave him, because it was for you, But what gave
you the courage to stay and rebuild watch which which
I know is a hard thing to do, a hard
(17:23):
task to do, rather than walk.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
Away, because he stayed because of those twenty years of
the good, good memories. And again, he had horrific I'm
not gonna say bad, he had horrific behavior. But I
also still loved him. And then I look at there,
I'm like, do I want to start over at my
(17:46):
age I'm going to be sixty one? Do I really
want to start over? Not? Really, I've looked around. I'm like, no,
and I don't know what other baggage everyone else has.
I already know his complete baggage based on the polygraph,
And am I willing to live with that? And at
this point I am. And sometimes it's day to day. Yeah,
(18:09):
I get that, but I'm not crazy. I'm not broken.
And even though you know with gas lit manipulated lie
to and he had narcisstic tendencies, that's completely changed based
on him going to an intensive outpatient program for twelve weeks.
He does a therapist once a week, he does a
(18:32):
church group once a week, and then he does a
men's group once a week. So he's constantly trying to
better himself four times a week, plus all the homeworks
that they give him. And he is completely changed house then,
And I thought I married originally.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
Love it, love it And.
Speaker 4 (18:50):
Why he chose to tell me on the cruise ship
is He's sitting there in our cabin and he said,
God told him. He said, this overwhelming sense said you
have to tell her, and you have to tell her now.
And he said, I could not avoid that voice, even
though he hadn't acted out for eight years. After he
told me, he's like, I gotta tell her, and he did.
(19:16):
And on the cruise ship we had therapists that were
on zoom with us, who we found out later had
called the ship's security, so we were watched to make
sure that none of us did anything stupid.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Wow. There's a work book that goes along with the
Shattered Vowels. The word book is called Reflections in the Mirror.
I love that title, and it guides others through recovery.
What's the first exercise or reflection that you recommend to
someone just discovering betrayal?
Speaker 4 (19:53):
Self care, do what you can to soothe yourself, take
time to yourself. It's okay to cry, screen rage in
the car. You don't want to rage at the person.
They already feel horrific. Not that you don't want them
to feel your pain, but eventually they will start feeling
(20:14):
your pain. Just get therapy right away. Get a certified
sex therapist, because there's a lot of couples counseling, the
marriage counseling that don't know the extent. Even though someone
just has one affair, they may have had a sexual
addiction that you never knew about. So just take care
of yourself. And it's about you. They've been their ego
(20:35):
has been involved in with only their wants, demands and
needs and sexually acting out. It's time for you to
take care of yours.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Absolutely. Let's talk nervous systems. How did betrayal impact yours
and what steps help you find calm and peace again.
Speaker 4 (21:03):
So my nervous system was a wreck, and I did
a thing called Safe and Sound Protocol where you listen
to music ten minutes at a time and it releases
the trauma from your body somehow and images come up
and that gets released. I'm not sure how, but it's
pretty cool. I also did EMDR for the triggers and
flashbacks and that helped quite a bit, so you're not
(21:25):
always thinking about what sexual position they did or didn't do.
And then I did hyperbaric oxygen treatment and you lay
in a hyperbaric chamber for an hour and just breathing oxygen,
and that oxygen helps blood flow to the brain and
helps You're laying there for an hour, so you either
got to scroll through the phone or meditate. I did
(21:47):
meditation a lot, breathing exercises, bilateral music. I did everything
I could think of to calm myself and regulate myself.
And then the other thing that we did is we
had our brain scanned and it's called a spec scan,
and that immediately told me. Another reason why I stayed
(22:10):
is it literally showed when his brain is offline where
the addiction takes over, and so he has to do
special brain exercises to keep his brain online as well.
But it's interestingly enough, I was also diagnosed with ADHD
during that brain scan. I'm like, whoo, who knew?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Wow? Faith is also woven into your story. How did
your relationship with God change during this season of pain
and restoration?
Speaker 4 (22:44):
I used to only reach out to God for nine
one ones, and this was a nine one one, and
now it's every day, every hour, I'm constantly talking to
God instead of Hey, can you do this for me?
Do that for me? It's more restorative. Can you help
me with the triggers? Can you? And thanking him for
(23:08):
all the help that he's done to not only get
my husband back online, but to get my nervous system
regulated and to look forward because I can't change the past.
I can't change what happened to him as a kid,
and I can't change what he did to me either.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Do you think this may have been a part of
God's planning to bring you closer to him.
Speaker 4 (23:29):
Absolutely, one hundred percent, one thousand percent. It's it's really
weird that I feel that, but it's it consumes my
body that this was what God intended for me to do,
is to help him heal from his childhood wounds and
become a man that he should be. So at one point,
(23:52):
the therapist said he was upbringing as a twelve year
old emotionally. Yeah, and then he also had abandoned wounds
as well because he was adopted from another country into
the US, so he had all of those issues.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Yep. Yeah, that that U discovering the same thing, the
same intention that God probably had for my life is
he had to get my attention some way so it
didn't kill me. And you think it's gonna yeah, you
(24:35):
really think it's gonna stop your world at some point
or something has to change, And really it didn't. Really,
it really didn't. And say, well, God, wow, you know
I would have never imagined me walking this journey just
to bring me to this point. But you know, only
you understand, and I know this has to be a
(24:59):
testimony for someone one in the future.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
Yeah. The other thing is I didn't realize I was
wearing a mask for twenty years, and that one of
the songs I wrote is the Mirror Lied. You know,
here I am smiling to the public and we're great,
We're great, But behind there, I'm just shattered. And it's
amazing how we lie to everybody in the public when
we're really hurting so bad.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Yeah, if you could speak to a woman in a
thicker betrayal right now, what would you tell her about
survival and hope.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
You will get through this? It doesn't feel like it's temporary,
but there is hope around the corner. Whether you choose
to stay or leave, there's hope. God make sure that
he's got your back every time.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Indeed, indeed, looking forward, what's next for Evan and read
a new book or music or something we don't expect.
Speaker 4 (26:01):
Well, I've got forty songs out already in three different
albums and one sale which was Shattered Still Sandy. I'm
working out the second book, which is my childhood and
all the trauma I went through my childhood, and it's
called Through the Fenciles, where I'm always looking on the
other side of what everyone else has because I don't
(26:23):
have it and all the abuse that I went through
as a child.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Wow, do you have a date for that book?
Speaker 4 (26:34):
I got to get this one launched and successful. Yes,
but it'll be soon, all right.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
So where can our listeners connect with you on Internet
and pick up a copy of your.
Speaker 4 (26:46):
Book Evelyn read books dot com or you can go
to Amazon and type in Evelyn Read and Shattered dows
and the songs are on iTunes and Spotify under Evelyn Read.
I wrote them, I did not sing them. The songs
are from everyone's point of view, from the sex worker,
(27:08):
from mine, from my husband, to even kids who are
left behind, where the parents go through the process that
the kids don't get.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Help, all right? All right, And listeners, just in case
you need that link, we have those and the description
of this episode and in the show notes, So all
you guys have to do is just click the link.
While what a profound journey we've walked with the Evelyn
Read today, from betrayal to breakthrough rules, from heartbreak to healing.
(27:42):
Her story is proof that even in life deepest pain,
there's a pathway to peace. And we impact the truth
about betrayal, trauma, faith, nervous system, recovery, and the courage
it takes to reclaim yourself. To our listeners, If Evelyn's
story spoke to you, share this episode with someone who
needs it. Subscribe to Vigilantes Radio Live, leave a rating,
(28:05):
and support the movement. Don't forget to visit Evelyn Read's
book dot com to explore her memoir, healing workbook and
music catalog. And remember you're not just surviving, you are becoming.
Thank you so much, Evelyn, and have a wonderful morning.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 5 (28:22):
All right, joy care right, peace to all. My name
is Deni and I am the host of Vigilantes Radio Live.
I think that we are beyond just asking cool questions
and getting cool responses. I think that we are here
(28:44):
as creatives to provide an example that you can do
things different outside of expectations, because some of us simply
were not born into the club. But there is perhaps
a door window or backgate that we can leave a
(29:05):
clue for you to get into. Life is short, but
there are plenty of moments to try and get it right.
Pursuing your dreams and learning from mistakes may be tough,
but regret it's tougher To.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Book your interview.
Speaker 5 (29:21):
Email us at v Radio at only One MediaGroup dot com.
That's a v as a victorious or visit only one
MediaGroup dot com. I'm counting on you, Heaven, We all
are counting on you to step into your purpose and
your passion. You are listening to Vigilantes Radio live on iHeartRadio,
(29:47):
providing you with an opportunity to dive deeper.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
You and now listening to vigil Lances Radio, the people's
choice for quality interviews, art, music and art topics, hosted
by Demetrius Houdini Black Reynolds. All episodes of this podcast
are available for free download at www dots only one
media group dot com
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