Divorcing Dads

Four months after the divorce, Mark discusses rebuilding his identity, working through his emotions regarding his kids and his ex, and practical self care.

Topics include:

• The surprising benefit of traveling and of not having "being divorced" as one's primary identity
• How to share news of the divorce with friends and family, and the support it brings
• The joy of feeling seen and appreci...

Four and a half months into the divorce, Mark and his ex have a stable parenting schedule, which seems to be mostly working. But behind the scenes, Mark is upset about his ex repeatedly violating boundaries that seem obvious to him, including entering his home without his permission. Our conversation also touches on how to continue co-parenting effectively even when upset with the ex and what to tell the kids when they ask if you s...

Five months into the divorce, Mark is enjoying his time with his kids, but struggles with supporting his kids when they complain about not having enough quality time with their mom. We discuss the pros and cons of making changes to the parenting schedule that will give kids more frequent contact with both parents, and think about ways to communicate productively with the other parent about concerns that the kids are raising about t...

Five and a half months into the divorce, Mark is appreciating his "new normal" and reaping the benefits of having figured out a systematic way for telling friends that he got divorced. We talk about dating as a divorced dad: How to know when you're ready to date, how to date in a way that is mindful of the kids, and where to meet people.

Topics include:

• Updating friends and family about the divorc...

Six months into the divorce, Mark is feeling more emotionally even-keeled and less triggered by his ex. He is learning to enjoy his time away from the kids, and more clearly appreciating not having to take care of the needs of another adult. Mark reflects on the challenges of the early stages of divorce and the strategies that helped him get through it.

Topics include:

• Holiday schedule with the kids
• Doing ...

Seven and a half months into the divorce, Mark continues to reconnect with things that give him joy, and starting to navigate dating as a single dad. We discuss how to make sure the kids are okay as their dad starts to date, how to feel more relaxed and at ease before and during dates, and the recurring theme of setting effective boundaries with the ex.

Topics include:

• Going on the first couple of dates
• Ho...

Eight months into the divorce, Mark continues to be surprised by ways his ex makes him uncomfortable, but recognizes that co-parenting is becoming smooth overall, and could be much worse. In our recent conversations, Mark and I discussed alternatives to the parenting schedule Mark and his ex agreed to, which is a "week on, week off" schedule, that does not allow Mark to establish a weekly routine. In this conversation, Ma...

Nearly nine months into the divorce, Mark is hitting his stride with incorporating fun activities into his life, both with the kids and without them. The kids are saying they're getting used to the divorce and to missing the other parent, and they seem less upset about it - but Mark is concerned that one of his kids looks a little *too* well, and may be suppressing or hiding his upset. On the dating front, Mark realized that h...

Nine and a half months after the divorce, Mark accidentally ran into his ex's partner (who was also the ex's affair partner), and was surprised at the intensity of his reaction. We talk about the process of becoming less reactive to past trauma, and about how to manage intense emotional reactions to the ex and her partner. Mark is also wondering how to support his kids about concerns they express regarding their mom'...

Ten months after the divorce, Mark's interest in dating is waning, and he is wondering if reason is that he isn't interested in the specific women he met, or if he simply doesn't have the energy to be in a romantic relationship. Mark is also preparing for a change in the parenting schedule, from alternating weeks to a 2-2-5 schedule. We discuss the implications of the different schedules for Mark's time with his...

Ten and a half months after the divorce, Mark is planning his new weekly routine as his family starts the new 2-2-5 parenting schedule, and we discuss ways to make the parenting schedule smoother. Mark continues to enjoy being able to parent his way as a single parent, as reflected by a fun trip he took his kids on. On the dating front, Mark is exhausted by having to care about and communicate with people that he doesn't feel ...

Eleven months after the divorce, Mark and his ex switched to the new 2-2-5 parenting schedule, and Mark is still figuring out how well the new schedule is working for him and the kids. Mark also realized that the pet birds he was stuck with and is caring for are a vestige of taking care of his ex, which is not something he wants to keep doing. Mark is grateful that his kids are doing so well, and reflects on the incredible hidden b...

Eleven and a half months after the divorce, Mark finds himself repeatedly rattled by unexpected close encounters with his ex' affair partner, and he is processing the anger and hurt that he feels toward his ex and her partner. We discuss ways for Mark to set clear boundaries with his ex in order to make sure these encounters don't take him by surprise. We also talk about ways to handle those times when his ex ignores his ...

Nearly a year after the divorce, Mark is planning a 2-week trip with his kids, and enjoying his ability to share more of his culture of origin with his kids than when he was married.

Mark continues to explore dating, and finds that his anxiety around dating diminishes as his goal shifts from wanting to be liked to checking if the connection feels like a good match.

While much of Mark's life feels good, Mark i...

More than 13 months after the divorce, Mark is excited about a woman he started dating, who shocked and delighted him by bringing him flowers on Father's Day. We talk about how Mark introduced  his new relationship to his kids, and how he experienced their response to the news. 

Mark continues to process his reactions to his ex, and is moving toward considering her more as unaware and unempathetic than as intentionall...

Fourteen months after the divorce, Mark is enjoying time with his new girlfriend and learning what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. While Mark and his girlfriend are getting ready for their kids to meet, Mark is working through his relational insecurities. Mark reflects on how his experience as a child to parents who argued often shaped his sense of being responsible for other people's happiness, and contributes...