Love and Abuse

Some people will deflect blame and make you feel like the problem. In this episode, I dive into this subject by examining a heart-wrenching story from a listener whose partner’s jealousy turned violent, leaving her questioning the future of their relationship and her path to healing.

The emotionally abusive relationship can sometimes be hard to define. How long must abusive behavior go on before actually admit that what's really happening is abuse? 

How do you know when it’s time to instigate a split? If your partner’s behavior leaves you feeling oppressed and defeated, and they refuse to change, and they also don't want to end the relationship, then what? 

Breadcrumbing can be a manipulative way to keep someone in your mind so that you can't fully move forward, keeping you as a pawn in another person's game. In this episode, a person wrote to me talking about their ex, a 13-year breadcrumber!

The way someone talks about their relationship reveals a lot. Abuse victims and perpetrators each have their own language patterns. Knowing these language patterns will help you understand on which side of the fence you're on.

In abusive relationships it might be difficult or even impossible to discern which parts of yourself are truly you and which are shaped by the abuse. Let's talk about what it takes to start building or rebuilding your identity.

You walk into an emotionally abusive relationship as one person, but where do you go after you're in one for a while? Is the person you're with trying to change you into someone you're not? 

Love can feel like a double-edged sword, cutting deep despite the tender moments. Or is that really love? Caring and kindness mixed with toxic, controlling behaviors create a dangerous emotional cocktail of bonding and trauma. 

They did the worst thing imaginable and now want you to stay in their life. Is it possible they can change? Should you give them a chance?

What does it take for an abusive person to change? A whole lot (if they even want to change), but this one component of healing is often one of the hardest for them to stop. Their consistent focus on you can make their healing and change much more difficult, let alone having no time and space to heal yourself. 

The one-off difficulties in relationships are perfectly normal for everyone. They're not welcome, necessarily, but normal. But what happens when the "one-offs" become systemic? What happens when they are non-stop? That's when changes are inevitable.  

When they threaten to leave or take something away from you, but they never follow through, expect them to repeat that behavior indefinitely. Empty threats are effective on those who fear them coming true. There is a way to stop the empty threats (but you probably won't like it).

You'd think it'd be easy to figure out: The hurtful one is the abusive one. But what happens when the victim gets convinced they are the abuser? Determining that while in the abuse cycle can sometimes be very difficult. However, I make it very clear in this episode. 

"Everything's great with me," they say, as you sit there staring, confused, wondering what the hell you're missing because you're having a completely different experience as them. When is a relationship not an actual relationship anymore? 

When you get into an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no idea what you're walking into. When you figure it out, you might have to make some tough choices. One of those choices might lead to getting deeper into something you know is bad for you. 

Some people just won't stop being hurtful. Why won't they stop? Are they just terrible people we have to accept and move on? Power and control is their M.O. and it's important you know why. For some there is hope. For others, well, it may take a lot more than hope to see change.  https://loveandabuse.com

Hurt people hurt people, so we should have compassion when they hurt us, right? You know the answer and I know the answer. How does the person who is hurting you start to change and heal, though? Lots to unpack here. 

The person you were before the difficult relationship almost always looks and feels different than the person you became while in the difficult relationship. And losing that part of yourself may make you think there's no way back. Sometimes, you can't even remember who you used to be. 

When someone keeps hurting you, you might blame yourself and think if you were only better, they'd stop. But as their hurtful behavior continues, resentment builds and you start questioning everything about yourself.